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strixhaven · 28 days

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Okay you've been mentioning Iziador a bunch recently and you've officially piqued my interest lol. What's his deal? You've mentioned a Curse, some vampire-adjacent qualities, and his one morbillion problems but I'd love to hear more about him/ his backstory 🩵

Iziador’s my Ghostslayer Blood Hunter, now also a Phantom Rogue given our current game is a 5e Gestalt one! He’s a character I’ve had for a few years now and played for a while in a now-defunct campaign, but his backstory was way messier and not as thematically coherent as it is now. I’d been rewriting him and swapping some stuff about his backstory, personality, and aforementioned curse in my free time when my good friend and former fellow player @ aterabyte offered to DM a game with me and another friend after I told her about some of the stuff I’d changed.

His exact deal for 2.0 isn’t 100% set in stone yet, but so far I’ve got a lot of the outlining done and have just been chatting w Tera and the other players/moth about it (also spoilers warning right here for Red and Jade if you happen to be reading this!)

Bit of lore groundwork to cover before digging into his whole deal though—souls and the magic tied to them, how to manipulate souls, are a big part of both of his campaigns and a large part of Izzy’s story has to do with his soul. Setting-wise, the current campaign is taking place several hundred years after an apocalypse killed off a huge chunk of the planet, but everyone left living is on landmasses that vary from the size of a farm to the size of large countries that were rocketed into the sky to avoid the apocalypse. Lots of cool floating islands and airship shenanigans. It whips! Ghostslayer Blood Hunters specifically also have a lot of lore relevant to their base of operations, the dead city of Bourreé, that’s closely tied to Izzy, but I’ll get to that in a bit.

Tera also pulled from my homebrew world when it comes to some of the lore, mechanics, and nature of tieflings and aasimar for the setting. Tieflings and aasimar are actually the same species that simply exist on a very wide spectrum when it comes to their appearances and the distinction is a largely arbitrary one made based off cultural values about appearances and how that relates to their views on a person’s morality, worth, and social role. And because they were created by Scávaun, the goddess of symmetry, they’re always either born as twins or two people sharing/having an identical soul. Tera added some lore to that for her world where there’s a set number for how many pairs exist at a time, and they both have to die before another pair enters the world—they now make up a larger portion of the setting per capita as a result of the apocalypse, given that they used to be spread throughout the world and now populations are much smaller and more concentrated in the far tinier landmasses.

Aaaand with that explained, Iziador’s deal should hopefully be a bit easier to understand in the context of the game.

Iziador being cursed is (understandably) integral to pretty much every aspect of his character and life. The exact mechanics and reasoning for it aren’t 100% set in stone as of yet, but the way he’s cursed has a lot to do with the nature of his soul and the aforementioned city of Bourreé. While the exact cause of the city’s death and destruction is unknown (for now at least), the city is to a degree undead and a kind of cultic mass of souls, and Iziador is functionally an extension of Bourreé given physical form. When I talk about vampiric-adjacent qualities of his curse, a lot of that has to do with how the curse manifests through his soul—he’s directly tied to the city even pre-becoming a hunter, and Bourreé uses him as a conduit to feed and accrue more power/satiate its hunger through the souls of the creatures and people he kills, is present for the death of, and/or more passively feeds through the bits of despair and misery surrounding him. Iziador acts as a life for death & tragedy as a result, and finds himself drawn to and draws a lot of this to him.

That he’s so fundamentally tied to Bourreé and the why of his being is something he doesn’t know, and is most likely a mystery to all but the city itself. He wasn’t born in Bourreé, he has no hunters in his family history that he knows of (doesn’t even have any tieflings/aasimar, it’s all just humans and half-elves), neither of his parents had any connection to the city as far as he’s aware.

The other Ghostslayers could definitely tell that there was something both deeply off and deeply familiar about him, but no one was sure of the why or how either—all they know is that his mentor in the order found him one day, went “shit, if we don’t take this kid in, someone else is going to find him, and it is not going to turn out well,” and it’s been a mess ever since. Iziador was a controversial recruit to say the least, and more than a few of them thought he was far too big of a risk to have properly join and undergo the Hunter’s Bane, but ultimately “we’ll train him and see if his curse can be better understood over time and under our care” tentatively ended up winning out. It was definitely a huge improvement over his previous life—he’d been kicked out of his home and living on his own in the Carisian capital for a few years when his mentor found him, and for as much of a dysfunctional mess the Ghostslayers were and for how wary many of them were towards him, Izzy found Bourreé to be place he was ultimately quite comfortable in. For reasons that cannot possibly be explained, the city felt familiar and like he belonged there.

But the Ghostslayers have always been and will likely always be a tense, messy group of people, and Izzy fucking up and accidentally getting a fellow recruit killed not long after he’d undergone the Hunter’s Bane made that a lot worse. Made much worse by the fact that the recruit he got killed was the twin to a guy he was close friends with and also the apprentice of one of the leaders that pretty openly hated his guts and was very vocal against his joining. One thing lead to another and by one thing I mean his friend’s mentor trying to kill him, and by another I mean Izzy just murking his ass instead and bolting from Bourreé because ohh boy oh man this is. a mess. to say the least.

So he’s currently level 1 Ghostslayer Blood Hunter/ Phantom Rogue and on the run. Good times!

There’s a lot more to him all and I’m sure I’ll be chatting Even More about him in the near future, especially as the game gets going, but this is already a lot LMAOO. But yeah. Rotating him in my mind.

#rambling about my blorbo time. so much more i could mention and i’m sure i will add on to this later #asks #iziador #long post

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phoenixfangs · 15 days

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me: surely if i just use the same command as whats written in the documentation, itll be fine. its just copying files, thats simple and easy and im not going to destroy the server by doing this. whats the worst that could happen?

(it starts copying Every public file on the server, from the last however many years, over to my personal directory, meaning its definitely gonna take eight morbillion years to complete. not the Worst that could happen but my god i wish i knew how many public files there were before i tried this)

#mine #i wish the guy who was supposed to teach me all this stuff and best practices hadnt quit for medical reasonsssssss #i am drowning in sparse and vague documentation with Zero notes or comments about what anything DOES #or what some of these commands ARE #or what is a command and what ISNT

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ctrophyduo · 2 years

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I talk a lot about my qualms with c!Phil. His behavior to c!fundy is cruel and unusual at points. But that’s the problem; it’s unusual. Because, seemingly, there is no real line of reasoning for why he treats c!fundy like that.

People often flock to surface level arguments when I say this, something something butcher army something something the time he almost scammed him something something. To which my only response is: c!Ranboo is his neighbor.

(And to the second thing- by that logic my mom should disown me because I signed up her email a few years ago for colleges and now she gets a comedic amount of emails everyday and it’s funny. But I guess I should be disowned and tormented for this. Or something. I’m not sure…)

Anyway. My point is that any excuse he makes for his hatred holds no actual weight once you realize he has little to no anger for c!Tubbo or c!Ranboo- the former of the two being far more proactive in the butcher army plot than c!Fundy was.

And here’s the thing; I couldn’t accept there was no answer. There had to be some estranged reason I didn’t get and I needed to figure out what it was.

And I reasonably think I have. Now obviously, the Morbillion words I’m about to write were probably not intentionally written (as most things on the Dream Smp tend to be) But my relationship with authors intent is a bit strained for this server. Whether Phil wrote this intentionally or not, I’ll praise it nonetheless for being an interesting piece of dots to connect that add a fascinating layer to c!Phil.

To start; c!Phil doesn’t like responsibility. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say this. Everytime he discusses c!Wilburs death with someone- he always takes partial blame, but never full blame.

The sentence will start with “I killed him… but-“ he will *always* tact on something else to blame on the end, usually the government. There is also the time he said “Because the government made me kill my son.” I don’t think it gets any more explicate than that.

The thing is too is that c!Phil killing c!Wilbur didn’t have tangible consequence. Obviously there is emotional consequence: grief, sorrow, etc. But nothing tangible; L’Manberg is gone, the new president has been selected to lead the New L’Manberg, c!Tommy and c!Tubbo- whilst found family figures are not blood related and therefore they are not c!Phils responsibility, etc.

Oh except for one thing:

c!Fundy.

You know the kid who’s an orphan because of c!phil, the kid who no longer has a dad because of c!phil, the kid who is directly impacted by the loss of his blood family… because of c!phil.

(Idk if I just have the “I need to over explain everything because Twitter will Misinterpret my words and kick my ass if I don’t” disease but just to elaborate: Me saying this isn’t exactly putting more importance on c!fundy than the others mentioned. It is just that he is the only *Tangible* consequences. Anyway)

c!Phil, is morally (and If we were abiding by our world rules for just a moment; legally) obligated to take on c!fundy. He is c!Phils sole responsibility.

And that’s where the problem is. He can’t push c!fundy onto something else. He can’t give c!fundy away or find an excuse to get rid of him. c!Fundy becomes synonymous with Responsibility and Blame.

And if c!phil takes c!fundy under his wing. He is *admitting* that c!Wilburs death is 100% his fault. It is nobody else’s. And he must take full responsibility; and full responsibility, means all the grief that comes with that.

Think about it. You’re an immortal, you’ve seen nations rise and fall. People die beautifully, tragically, unfairly, etc. You havn’t felt true grief in a very long time, if you felt grief for every person you’ve met that’s passed you don’t think you’d be standing where you are today.

However, your son dying- no less to *your* sword must be a hell of a lot to take on for someone who’s grown comfort in apathy.

So he doesn’t want that. He can’t handle genuine grief.

So when the opportunity arises to get rid of it. He immediately pushes c!fundy onto the one thing he’s *always* blamed c!wilburs death on; the government.

See c!Phils excuses for doomsday and similar events is that he doesn’t want another event like c!Wilbur to happen. But ironically, when c!fundy gets wrapped up into (what c!phil perceives as) government corruption, c!Phil immediately- without hesitation- disowns him right then and there.

And for someone who so badly wants to ensure nothing will happen like what happened with c!Wilbur. He’s a bit shit at that huh. But that’s the thing;

he gets to push c!fundy, the personification of responsibility and by proxy grief- onto what he *really blames for c!wilburs death* the government.

The worse part is- c!fundy would’ve listened! Had c!Phil talked with him and discussed his opinions I guarantee you c!fundy would’ve folded like an omelette (remember when c!fundy lied and said he thought Doomsday was justified just to get c!Phil to love and hang around him more? Yeah.) Hell, the last thing he says to c!phil is “I love you!” Clearly showing he cares and values c!phil and his opinions. And c!phils only response, to having a window to protect another family member from government corruption is; “you’re dead to me.”

Ah. I love irony sometimes. Isn’t it funny that government corruption supposedly led to his sons death and he wishes it upon his grandson who is currently being corrupted by the government? I think that’s funny.

TL;DR;Please shut the fuck up; c!Fundy is the personification of grief and responsibility, c!Phil pushes him away at all opportunities (especially pushing responsibility for him onto the government) to avoid having to deal with the true grief at taking responsibility for c!Wilburs death.

Yeah. That’s about it. This is lengthy. And I’m sorry for any errors. I have shit eyes but I like analysis, so. If you disagree too that’s ok. I think discussion is fun. Thanks for reading!

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hurrakka · 10 months

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oh man. theoretically in a l4d au luis would've helped develop the green flu yeah? sure it's a naturally occurring virus in l4d canon (maybe. we're not really sure where it comes from cus ceda doesnt say shit but ellis mentions the government using bio-bombs in one of his keith stories so it could be a bioweapon?) but this is an au we can do what we want.

anygays im just imagining leon getting infected. we know better-safe-than-sorry-guy (i call him scout cus his va is the same as scout from tf2) is human when we first find him but experiencing extreme paranoia and some compulsions then a few minutes later he fully turns, going from able to speak and function to choking and growling and fully mutated (either into a hunter, boomer, or smoker) so there's always the possibility of a rapid transformation too. im thinking leon falling behind a bit while theyre walking because he's coughing and chokin and shit n he falls to his knees and luis is all like "bro whats wrong!!" and he gets to watch as leon Turns Before His Eyes. even better if he turns into a hunter cus if you look closely at their models they don't have eyes. we can't be exactly sure what Happens to their eyes when they turn but the two most popular headcanons are both equally brutal-- either Luis has to watch Leon's eyes quite literally melt out of his skull or he gets to watch him claw his own eyes out. Fun!

BUT there's graffiti in one of the safe rooms arguing over how long it actually takes to turn-- whether it's 20 minutes, 2 hours, overnight, or some other wacky chunk of time. so there's also the thought of Leon turning slowly. progressively becoming irritable and irrational and confused and him slipping in and out of conciousness for days until Luis goes to check his temp one day and he fucking Lunges.

and if leon turns and luis makes it out alive imagine the Guilt. he feels awful enough in re4 canon when there's a cure,,, but the green flu mutates too often to develop a proper cure for it. if leon gets infected and he isnt immune then he's just. done. theres nothing that can help him at that point. and luis already feels so goddamn guilty about the millions of people he's killed and now leon's gone too and he cant help but visualize every single person who had somebody ripped from them by his hands.

oh man and if luis has to put leon down? its joever. that man would Never recover. i dont even know if he'd keep trying to survive at that point. maybe just for that shred of hope of developing a cure (even though he knows it'd be damn-near impossible but it's the only thing hes got, dammit) and stopping this whole disaster.

coughs. sorry for the rambling i simply have been obsessed with l4d for going on 12 years now so <3

I had to lay down for a moment bc of the feels and potential outcomes in the event luis lives on while leon well...yeah (thinkin abt how buddy from re damnation would jus turn as well since leon is no longer there and that made me big sad dgkrnekhbfgnjklh) Since the re verse has like morbillion viruses, the green flu existing would be plausible so its just another stonks moment for umbrella lol. But yeah luis would absolutely be devastated. He probably doesnt have the guts to pull the trigger, least he can do is to restrain leon for a while and tries to find whatever humanity he has left in his nonexistent eyes. Tho in my witch!leon hc I think luis may have a chance to keep leon around??? Since witches seem to have the most humanity among the infected (and thats not saying much) he could probs observe him a lil bit without getting eaten right away. It would just be a warm bodies scenario ngl (i just watched that movie recently so this is huge copium dksfghbshgndfh) Honestly Im glad l4d fandom still alive after all these years. That game will always be goated and it was one of my high-school obsessions. I used to do crossover stuff back then and Im back to doing it now. Time rly do be a flat circle

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imagine-papyrus · 1 year

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Got a few questions about Papyrus!

First, how would Papyrus react to Undertale (well, his part, anyway)?

Also, what kind of music would be listen to once he and Sans reach the surface (The True Pacifist Ending)?

#papyrus4life

sorry it takes three morbillion years for me to answer these oops

For some reason, I really wanna say Papyrus listens to breakcore or something. Besides that, I think he'd like most dance and pop music!!

As for his reaction to Snowdin:

"SANS!! SANS LOOK IT'S YOU!!"

"WAIT LOOK IT'S ME!! I'M IN THIS GAME!!!!!! LOOK LOOK IT'S MY PUZZLES!!"

Basically he'd be thrilled to bits the whole time!! Look Sans!! He's in a video game!! He's famous! He's popular, popular, popular!!!

#ut sans #ut papyrus #undertale papyrus #imaginepapyrus #undertale #undertale sans #undertale sans and papyrus #ut

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talisnotgone · 2 years

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welcome to kirby headcanon super hell

sorry that I don't know how to do read mores ell em ay oh!!!

ok so yes headcanon time headcanon time

i was thinking about soul bosses right. and how weird they are. and I mean I don't think they are canon but also, there is another thing that is strange that i was thinking about. marx, That Dead Motherfucker Who Got Catapulted Through Space And Into A Exploding Fucking Clock Thing, Then Stayed In Space For One Morbillion Years, is a star friend and definitely alive or whatever in star allies. how are you doing that? who do you serve? what? how?

and I also thought about magolor. and how by all means that egg looking fuck should also be dead as a doornail but is not. just like marx

and I also thought about things that nobody should ever be concerned about making make sense in canon, like the fact that kirby can respawn, and that enemies can respawn, and that the same exact minibosses come to fight kirby every now and again even though they Die. this is just game logic but somehow I made it real.

and I also thought about morpho knight and read its whole wiki page. and I also thought about kirby mass attack because I really like mass attack. and hours later here we are.

so we know necrodeus right? skully guy? evil as shit and is a hands boss? guy whose name means god of death very obviously? yeah, whaddya know, that guy is the god of death/the underworld. makes sure that all the spirits are definitely still where morpho (#grimreaperslashbutterflyofjudgementhours) put em, and all that jazz. most importantly for this headcanon, keeps people in the afterlife and not. like. letting necromancy happen. he's god of death.

or should I say WAS!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE KIRBY FUCKING KILLED HIM AND SENT HIM TO THE FUCKING SHADOW REALM IN KIRBY MASS ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok so even though he totally deserved it for trying to kill kirby. this makes a lot of things bad. let's think of the cons here

1. the god of death is dead

2. there is no heir to the god of death

3. now there is nobody to preside over the afterlife other than morpho knight

4. morpho knight is a collective of butterflies

5. the entire mechanism of death is so fucked

and what does this all mean? the one big thing that this headcanon revolves around:

ever since kirby killed necrodeus, (which I headcanon to be pretty early in the timeline), the afterlife has been running on what is pretty much an honor system. people die and then end up in the afterlife and because theres nobody manning the gates they can just leave. morpho does his best to keep people in but fuck man there are billions of sentient creatures dying in every galaxy every second and that's hard to keep up with. some people don't know about this, and so they stay in the afterlife like a little dead person is supposed to, but the people who know? outta here.

and my apologies but some of the most heinous people ever are aware of this life hack. including marx and magolor. yeah that's right they both fuckig died. and then said "fuck you death" and decided to un-die. but because they're fucked up and evil I guess they can.. can soul boss?!?!?!?! can soul boss form. only if you go to hell though. yeah baby soul bosses the forms you take in hell. that's probably the darkest part of this headcanon and I just pulled it out of my ass. because Um. why would magolor's soul take the form of what happened to him in the worst moment in his entire ass life. marx looks like that because hes fucked up. drawcia soul is fucked up because shes a drawing also my headcanon is you fight drawcia soul IN HER HELL because yeah! sectonia soul uh . um. some redesigns may need to happen ILL DRAW THAT LATER

but yeah. also kirby doesnt crawl his way outta the afterlife every time he dies like everyone else. morpho knight is just so sick of him (scared of him) that it doesn't even bother to come for his soul every time he dies it just lets him. wake up on his own terms. which is stupidly funny to me.

anyways I THINK that's pretty much it but if I develop any more I may reblog or make another post. like comment and subscribe for morpho knight crying screaming sobbing on the ground because marx just died for the fourteenth time and he knows what's gonna happen

#kirby #tal rambles #headcanon #hell world forever 2022 #i cant get the image of morpho knight crying and screaming and drinking a pepsi out of my head its so distraught about this

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basslinegrave · 2 days

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make your own post this and that so i am. so i dont spam ppls tags and what not

thinking about how snm would realize they got feelings for one another and i feel like for sam the realization would come much later like. into their 20s at least but for max i think hed crush on him on and off since they would be like teens or something? im a sucker for stories about my ships realizing their feelings and getting together so its hard for me to just pick One to go with. if i was a writer i would make like 80 different situations a week 😭 but with these two since theres no canon, there doesnt have to be a set timeline anyway and there can be a morbillion of them. like if i look at the cartoon that is a married couple with a house and all. so it narrows it down to getting together much sooner... then in ttg you just have them perhaps not fully in it, maybe they talked about it, maybe not yet at all, maybe s3 could be where sam realizes his feelings, etc etc (i dont see them as a couple yet there though) and so on

anyway my fav idea is that max just has feelings for sam but hides it (maybe even forgets about it from time to time and then falls in love with him all over again) and this goes on for years and years but he thinks sam wouldnt be interested at all so he lets it be (maybe except one time drunkenly fooling around back in like college, or at least during the one week before they got kicked out lmao)

sam realizes it much later, in their 20s or early 30s (not even early middle age man yaoi.... weak...) and i think he would be a bit "afraid" of it all, i do think hes bi but not having experience with men especially and it would be a scary and unknown area for him plus he wouldnt want to somehow hurt max and ruin their friendship and all that. reassuring himself that would never happen and no matter what they will be best friends even if he told max but he would still try to bury those feelings at first. big on "try", they would still slip out in other ways like caring for max and just the usual (how they talk, touches, stuff like headpats and throwing max etc), thats also the thing that would be like "oh yeah. whats there to be scared of", the fact that once they would get together, nothing would really change at all? they already have their own love language of sorts and are always together anyway etc so it would just go from "partners" (work) to "partners" (work and life and everything else) i think. i also like how in ttg you can look at some things as "oh hes deep in the closet" even if its not written like that..

its also hard for me to separate canon and fanon at times and hard to like. work with some stuff, its always a mess in my head but a good chunk of the fans ship them and take them as a couple. me personally i would see it only in the cartoon but even there its more of a joke (but if you show some things as facts it can be easily viewed that way) but for the rest of the media it stays vague (which i do like, except ttiv, you know what you did ttiv *shakes fist*) but there i keep thinking about how max is sort of shown as gay but not really. like its more of a 'if youre gay or a shipper etc you see him as gay, otherwise not' situation to me. if you say hes gay online, there will be people telling you that hes not, its never been explicitly said (true) etc he just doesnt like girls.. and i noticed the irony of how this is a time where people that normally are against aro/ace characters they will paint him as such just so that he isnt gay, lol. like "no he cant have anyone if he can only have men 🤬" anyway. that said yeah they can be aroace best friends, just for me personally id prefer to be more romantic - in their own way. ofc they dont go to romantic dinners but they can go blow up a shooting range or go to a burger joint and see which one of them can eat more burgers before throwing up, but they can also smooch when the player/reader/watcher isnt watching, you know. max hates kissing though, which can either end in they dont kiss much Or they do, its just on the same page as with them hating when others touch them but theyre glued to each other 24/7 (or like the case with max hating seeing naked ppl but he himself being naked normally) so like he hates seeing it, but is fine with sam and sam only?

derailed strongly there, i wanted to talk about how they would also tell each other, thats also something i cant decide on but me like a little bit of angst of course so it would have to come with either a little misunderstanding or going "too far" -> realizing it wasnt too far but what the other very much wants etc etc. actually i have nothing here, moving on

uhh and i also think about them proposing? i think they both would want to. theres also so many ideas but my fav is that sam gets to propose first, but max just goes fuck! beat me to it. and he pulls out a ring as well and they get to propose at the same time (with sam perhaps getting emotional, max would call him a sap but then get a bit emotional too for once) but then theres also something silly for the comics/htr where i can imagine it more like max mentioning marriage, as a joke or not, and sam pulling out a comically oversized ring pop for him (then they have the """"shotgun"""" wedding lol) then for ttiv which is my dearly hated storyline. they maybe proposed in the past, but idk if they actually got married, they ended it because it got rocky. perhaps sam got cold feet but max would be the one to end it (then make harsh remarks about sams dating life and all that, but deep down being glad its not working out for sam cause max has always been the jealous type) and maybe they finally get therapy (or max contacts sybil after ages and she gives him some advice and such) and perhaps after splitting up for a bit like in the cartoon (insert snm divorce gif) they get back together now that theyre like in their 50s and realize its no use, theyre not really holding each other back as they would be worried maybe but that they truly want to be with each other and they get actually married after trying again. i think its silly for them to get married like youd expect maybe sam to think about that but not max but i think hed be very excited about it mainly cause of the food at the reception

#thoughts are being thunk #they call him the yapper

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skyllion-uwu · 3 months

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It's gonna take one morbillion years for me to get Wanda. I need more spoolssssss

#sky screams into the void

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bubsub69 · 6 months

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Entry 32

21/11/2023 00:01 Well, I guess its official now… alone again… or im gonna be her ocasional booty call, which i guess isnt bad, i just have to manage my expectations with her, have a purely sexual non romantic relationship…

I honestly took it better than i thought it would, i dont know if i remembered to mention it but on the day i made the booty call realization and i was running late to school i got angry at traffic as per usual, and after straight up screaming at a dumbass driver in the middle of the road i started crying really hard in my car, and i guess i got all of my sadness out at that point, which i guess is better than suffering for a long time. Still it makes me question if i actually loved her if i got over her so easily… i guess love is a strong word for someone ive talked with only on a couple days on pretty much exlusively sexual topics, maybe i grieved on thoughts of what could be maybe i was really sad for losing her and im overthinking it

its not like all hope is lost though i guess, theres still that slight chance that she suddenly got 1 morbillion surgeries back to back and when shes done with those shell have time for me again, or maybe i should stop making fanfics in my head and accept ive been ghosted/only being used for sex with increasing rarity.

I really wish i wasnt the one that has to start conversations with people, i talked to a couple people for non sexual purpose, and it kinda sucks that i have to be the one that starts conversations, or else theyll just die off, i wish i could have someone text me… asking about me… caring for me… I hate grabbing my phone and seeing no notifications, except for reddit comments and shit I changed the notifications for J and the 1 (one) time i got to hear it made me so happy. Maybe i really should talk with my cousin again, even if i was not her first option someone to talk to/only when everyone else was busy and was just used to just go talk about her problems..ugh nvm im not really remembering those memories very fondly..but still maybe i should send her a text.. or wait for her to try to call me again, though it has been a couple months since we talked, and even if going out just to talk isnt exactly my cup of tea i guess its still healthy of me to talk to her instead of just stewing on my sadness alone

I wish i could go back to being happy while alone. I dont know what happened to me for me to get fucked up like this… Ive been talking a bit with some guys in college, but its very little social stimulation, and is really boosting my impostor syndrome, maybe i should just get a job and get off this fucking place… what am i saying, how could me relocating and leaving the confort i have here help in any possible way… I gotta learn to be more independent as well, I cooked by myself the other day, which was easier than i thought, so thats good news at least i guess… though it was just boiled pasta and scrambled eggs, but its a step in the right direction.

i wonder how long itll take for me to find someone again… another half year? maybe a full year this time? would i even be able to manage that? im starting to get really sensitive to any cute couple stuff online.. seeing this https://www.reddit.com/r/RoleReversal/comments/17xfnhx/daydreams_of_being_able_to_pick_my_partner_up/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3 really ruined my day when i saw it…

Maybe i should just bite the bullet and try to meet people irl.. as scary as it is and as clueless on what to do as i am. thing is i suck at talking face to face with people, im so fucking akward, and its hard for me to make conversation on normal topics. but i dont think an online relationship would be as good as a physical one, especially with how touch starved i am. Ideally wed meet online first and then go irl, but its rely hard to meet someone from nearby on the internet… besides D i guess

I should just jump off a fucking bridge shouldnt I? what the fuck am i even doing here? im just in college because i dont want to work, i probably wont be able to function as an adult when i graduate, I got no friends to enjoy life with and im sick of living under my parents roof but i wouldnt last a day outside of it…what the hell do i even do? all i want from life is happiness and for some reason i cant even have that, i dont even know if its socializing thatll help me. sometimes after leaving classes and having conversations with people im anxious to run off and be left alone, so if its not that what is? have deeper conversations? have more casual conversations? have conversations that arent school related? well i guess that could help, the one time i talked of a non school topic it was enjoyable. But its hard for me to do that as well, i cant initiate it because im scared of being annoying, sometimes when i crack a joke with my db group it falls really flat, which obviously doesnt mean i should stop making jokes overall, i should maybe just save them to a diferent audience, but my self esteem is already in the shit and this doesnt help, plus theres a really funny guy that for some reason i really want to try to be as funny as, maybe i just want to be as confident as him, it definetly wouldnt hurt to be a sad sack of shit that constantly pities himself.

Wow just realized i mentioned all the women that hurt me this year lol…well majorly hurt because i trusted them, ignoring the fucking findommers and the people that ignored me and the infamous we dont vibe based on the opening sentence you sent me. why did i go look at my fucking pathetic chat history, what is wrong with me, i know itd just make me more upset and i went to check anyway

I might repost my ad again when im 100% sure J has ghosted me since its been the most successful experiences ive had, even if they ended in hearbreak, maybe third times the charm. I should probably try to change it this time, its a miracle a shitty ad like mine caught any attention at all especially from 2 wonderfull girls like them. Ill just keep trying more femdom personals and stuff, though ive really lost a lot of motivation for trying to talk with people

Fuck me i spent an hour and a half writing this shit when i was suposed to be writing the db report, god i hate my useless ass

#diary #digital diary #online diary

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