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bloodthirstybatty · 1 year

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Downpour

💛 ~~~~~~~~~💛

Leona x reader

Hurt/comfort

Disclaimer: I have dyslexia, given that my writing can suck. Please be mindful of this, thank you!🙏❤️

TW: depression and mention of suicide.

A/N

I was originally going to make this a multi-character fanfic but I realized with my dyslexia it's easier for me to only write for one character. I picked Leona because I find comfort in him so it's a bit of a self-insert/vent fanfic of how I would feel if I was yuu.

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Downpour

It was raining cats and dogs, you ran fast trying not to trip and fall from the slick ground. You decided your best chance is to run to the botanical garden since it was close by, you turn left and blotted towards the door of the garden.

Catching your breath, you look around to see the rain hit the dome of the gardens, it was beautiful and peaceful. Walking you think about what earlier, you and Crowley got into a disagreement, the showers were getting less hot from the boiler being ancient and your flip phone was cutting off all the Time, so you went to Crowley to ask for an upgrade. He then called you ungrateful and that you should be more understanding on how hard he is working to get you home, that you should realize that your stuff cost school money, and that you could have been on the streets if it wasn't for his kindness... You were tried, very tried. Not just from the argument you had with Crowley but everything, school, tasks from Crowley, ramshackle falling apart, over lots, being belittled for not having magic, etc... You were depressed, you felt alone and felt that nobody truly had your back, even grim sometimes.

You continued to walk around the garden when you spotted a certain someone's tail, it was Leona's. There he lay asleep, peacefully snoring, you stared for a minute before you decide to sit next to him so you could have some company while doing your homework. As you were doing your work you couldn't stop crying a little, tears fell and hit your paper and you sniffle causing the lion next to you to stir in his sleep. you got startled by it, you thought you awakened the lion, you started to hypervalent, you didn't want to cause your hyperventilation to fasten, you started to cry from it, you were freaking out, you were having a panic attack. Just then the lion next to you arose, however, you didn't notice he did.

"Are you crying?", "huh?" you froze, you thought you just made another person mad at you. "are you crying?" he repeated, "i- a no, no I'm not," you said in a panic. "yes you are I can see it, you have tear stains on your homework" "I'm fine, it's just allergy" "no it's not your having a panic attack, your heart is racing and your shaking like a leaf" "i-" you couldn't get any words out, your panicking started to worsen. Leona shifted his body he was now close to you, he looked into your eyes "tell me" you stared into his eyes stunned, you could believe it, leona king scholar was considered for you, generally considered! He was the first person that saw your true discomfort. Taking a deep breath you began to speak.

"i-i, sorry" you took another deep breath to get rid of the frog in your throat, talking about feelings was hard for you, you never really talked to anyone about them in your life, and you mostly found ways to overcome your feelings. "so?" "did you and grim get in a fight?" looking back up to leona you said "no, no I and grim are fine, we didn't get into an argument, actually me and that damn bird did" you huffed. "what did that bird do to you to be all worked up?" your tears started again, just thinking about it was tough. "he called me ungrateful! I just went to him because my water was not getting hot and my phone is a busted piece of crap, then he called me ungrateful, and that he had to spend school money to get me those things. He also said he cant solve every lotion of mine since he's already trying to solve how to get me home!" your voice was now horses from your ranting, but you didn't feel better from it. "your not ungrateful herb- uh y/n" you bit your lip and looked away "maybe I am, tho.. Like I could have been in the streets, if it wasn't for Crowley" "no your not! Stop saying dumb things" "im sorry" you mumbled. Still crying you turned back to leona he look serious, a different kind of serious unlike usual. "I can tell you have more to say, this isn't all that's troubling you, go on spill" "that's true there is more.." "well?"

You fiddled around trying to calm down, you knew if you didn't you would sob. You tried to take several deep breaths but you were still shaking so you decided to spill, "im tried!" "im tried of everything!" "im tried of this school, of living in ramshackle, of overblots" you shaking sobbed taking a deep breath you begin to speak again "im tried of always being called hero from saving people from overblots!" "i-i- IM TRIED OF LIVING!" you shouted, "im tried of life, I want to disappear for good, I don't want to be here" you wiped your tears away but they were like a river, sniffling you squeezed you risk to stop you from panicking. You then looked up at leona, you thought you said to much but his eyes were soft, he then spoke "your feelings are valid, you shouldn't have to be going though this, you didn't choose to" he then stood putting his hand out for you, you reached it and he pulled you up into a hug, leona kingscholar was hugging you! You felt relief flow through you, all your worriedness left your body, you felt peace. Leona the pulled way "if anything is troubling you come to me first okay, I'll help you resolve it" "thank you leona" you smiled. He then pulled your hand to make you follow him "the run stopped lets get something to eat, I'll pay."

Later that week you had a better phone and your plumbing was fixed, all thanks to Leona, you felt grateful. You have to now had protect you, you don't have to worry now. Leona and you also stared to hang out more, eating lunch and sitting in the garden.

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A/n

I hope you liked it! I tried to write it on how I thought leona would actually acted in a situation like this, I want to have him pull you down to nap with him but I don't this he's the type to do that unless you were dating. I also know Leona is canonly protecful and keeps his eye out on others, he doesn't say it but he shown sides of it.

If you want me to wrote more stuff then please put in a submission, also comment down below what you thought of the story!! ❤️❤️❤️

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland leona x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #leona kingscholar #leona kingscholar x reader #Spotify

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homeworkreminder · 2 years

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Sad posting again I guess

My sister has become a nun. And I hate that. She can't communicate with us (no phone). She has a shared email and we sent her an email the week we dropped her off and she hasn't replied. Its been two weeks. She said we can email anytime. The mother superior says the sisters are avaliable to talk/video call every second Sunday, so hopefully this Sunday. But my mind keeps telling me that I got the wrong email and my sister thinks we didn't send any messages to her and now she wont talk with us again. She is multiple states away and its the worse. I hate this. I hate how my life is going right now. I need to get a job to help my mom out. She says its fine, that my dad's life insurance and their savings can keep us livig without any changes for the most part for the next couple of years... But I feel bad she works a stressful para job with kids and she is always tired or angry. She says she will get a second job. And she keeps suggesting for me to work on campus, but I can't because ecerything involves experience which i don't have or communication skills which I don't have and I just can't. I cant talke to people. Sometimes interactions with strangers leave me depressed/stressed to the point of ending it all. I want to able to work from the comfort of my dorm. I want to work remotely. I have fucked hours because of classes and then work would take away any time to do assignments. I thought I found a great job but after searching up the company it seems it was trying to pretend to be another one and was fake. Im so pissed i cant find anything that diesnt involve still talking with people or something that has flexible enough hours. I dont have a car and i cant reach places to work. And i feel like that stipid lityle dumb bitch ass bum of a child that has to rely on mommy's money because she has never worked a day in her life. I cant even suck it up and work with people. I dont have any experience nohing is avaliable my laptop is fucking dying and I cant do anything. I'm uttterly useless. And my sjster said she qould help me with all this and she left before she dis. Bwfore she left she spent the most of the time saying goodbye to all ber friends and stuff and I feel shitty saying this but don't i matter to. And the worst part is that she only has 2 weeks in the year to visit and she will spend more than half of that cathcing up with her other friends instead of me. I dont know if i am in love with my friend or secretly hate hem because sometimes they are annoying. I dont know how genuine my feeelings of friendahip with my other friend is. I the worst fucking person

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typicalhippiegirl · 4 years

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Let's talk about something.

First off, I'm not putting this messed up, peely, gross looking tattoo up for anyone to judge (I'm not happy with it either). I'm putting this out there to help others learn from my mistakes & hopefully prevent them from going thru what I've been dealing with.

There's a tattoo expo coming to town with featured artists from out of town. I find one thru IG whose work looks clean & I like her style so I DM her about setting an appt. Shes got time this weekend yay! no waiting for the expo. -Do you see the mistakes I made already? It's so obvious to me now😓

Saturday's here, I head to the shop (for the first time) for the appointment & the moment I walk in it's like Uh, wtf? Half the shop is taped off & in the middle of a remodel (no dust or active working, just shit all moved around). I brush it off, theyre getting things ready for an expo right? They need people tattooing there, not playing pool so ya, no wonder it's a bit messy.

Next she shows me the stencil and its fuckin huge. Like I specifically said between 6-8 inches max bc it's going on my forearm & i'm not Stretch Armstrong. Shes like Oh I kept it between 8 & 10. Well ya didn't fuckin listen bc what woman has arms that long? So it's resized & idk what we were casually talking about but she def rolled her eyes at me. Look man, I'm a pretty easy going person and depending on the situation I may take a slight without saying shit. Also like low self confidence helps with that right? So anyway, at the point I should have been like Alright dude, we're not really clickin & I'm not feelin this anymore & walked TF out. I didnt. Like an idiot. I'm not gonna lie, part of it was losing put on the deposit the other part was just me telling myself it would be fine despite in my heart of hearts I knew it wasn't.

So we start. Yo, she's a Fuckin. Bitch. I wanted a theme right, this chick is supposed to be a Texas pinup, I wanted certain colors in her clothes. I asked "What colors are we thinking for her?" She actually scoffed and says "These ones" while motioning at her cups. Wow. Ok, well, fuck I don't want to ask her anything anymore so I shutup & go with it.

This shit HURTS. I'm not a pussy when it comes to pain. I have several tattoos, including fingers, toes and a whale that was particularly painful because it goes directly over my very bony shin. I've been cut, I've had a baby without drugs. Mags remind me of getting a razor cut and I find pleasure in the feeling. I can tolerate some pain and this shit sucked. Yo, at the end she switched down to a single needle and that was KILLER. I felt like I was being carved into (which, if you'd ever seen my back you'd know, I know the feeling).

Alright so finally we're finished & I roll into the next day. I'm a bit worried about the appearance and not just bc she looks like she broke her leg. It looks wet. I continue my aftercare as normal: antibac soap & aquaphor. Day 2 I'm researching infections bc it's super painful, red but mostly it's wet. I'm afraid of infection also bc this chick had the trash can right next to the station. I mean Right. Fuckin. Next to it. To the point that the trashcan lid fell onto the pad where my arm is. I want to ask her to move it but she's in such a bad mood I think it'll just make things worse & she'll be even rougher. By day 3 I've tried antibac goo & it seems to make my skin bubble where its been applied so I quickly quit using that. My arm hurts so badly at this point I cant put it down without getting shooting pains up my arm. I let it dry out so things are crusty but at least I don't find them medically disturbing. Regardless, I spend a lot of this day crying. Day 4 I'm still researching infection and come across overworked tattoos, scars & "hamburgering" My heart pretty much drops bc this is it, this is what's going on. What's even more fucked up is that I find this on forums for people learning to tattoo. Like apprentice's first few tattoos having this problem. Rookie shit, ya hear?😑

The pictures are from day 5. You can see splitting along the black lines, there's holes in the sun & near her belt. Oh and that's a thing. The hole is the sun is bc somehow a drop of green got in there so she went over it and over it and over it again with more red. Can you imagine my frustration at that point?

So look, I got this done Saturday, here it is Friday. My skin is very shiny and puckery where the peeling has come off. The scabs are thick af, I've only been moisturizing the places safe to so as of today almost everything but the cactus. Did I mention my arm still really hurts? I can't straighten it, there's pains that shoot out from the center, and why why why is my bicep sore?! I'm really worried about how the cactus is going to turn out. My skin looks bumpy between the cracks of scab. I think she used a crappy cheap green. I'm really left wondering about her experience as a tattoo artist. I'm just saying: My first tattoo was done by a scratcher in a dirty apartment bedroom. He did such a shitty job that I took the machine from him & finished it myself. Might I mention I was 16 and completely coked out of my mind? Also, I didn't hamburger myself and there was no scarring over that disaster of a tattoo (which thankfully no longer exists thanks to the aforementioned painful whale)

This whole thing has fuckin sucked. I don't want anybody else dealing with this. Let me outline some things I should have done differently so if you find yourself in the same situation you can make better decisions than I did.

1. If you're looking on IG for an artist make sure they also post healed pics not just fresh ones.

2. If you're not vibing with your artist it's ok so call it off. Look, a 60$ deposit aint shit to lose in the grand scheme of things, can you get a cover up for 60$? How about bad work or a bad experience lasered off? You can't get those deals, oh who knew? Sometimes losing money is saving it.

3. Don't get shit from travelling artists. Maybe they woke up a 3am & drove 8 hours & now they don't give a shit about anything but going home.

4. If the shop doesn't look great, walk out. Again, whats 60$ compared to your health and happiness?

This is a long post & it's not something I usually post about (lol who am I kidding? Personal tragedies are kinda my thing). It's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed how she came out, I'm embarrassed I didn't speak up, I'm embarrassed I didn't just go to the person I knew could give me a good tattoo. It wasn't even about money, I didn't get a deal on this pinup mess. All I can do is move on. Thank goodness this wasn't my first piece or I may have been totally turned off from getting anymore ink. Now all I can do is continue my aftercare, hope for the best and when the time comes I'll go visit Vinny at American Tradition and get something else on the backside of my arm to distract from this mess.

Much love my inked up friends❤

Hey and if this speaks to you like you've been in this situation or are currently in it, feel free to DM me.

#tattoo #tattoo help #tattoo problems #lets talk about that #hamburgering tattoo #tattoo scar #fucked up tattoo #bad tattoo

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wotinspntarnation · 6 years

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A Night By The Fireplace

Pairing: Sam x Reader

Word Count: 1738 cue the Fetty Wap music

Warnings: language, oral sex

Summary: You tried to deny your love for Sam Winchester, but found out he felt the same for you

A/N: Another entry for @ravenangel33 writing challenge!! This is my first Sam x Reader fic and all I imagine from Sam is his want to make you cum without penetration (hes a sweet boy ya know). Once again thank you to my lovely beta @mrs-meghan-winchester because this was a shit show at first y’all but she turned it into a masterpiece.

MAYBE TUMBLR MOBILE WILL ACTUALLY LET ME FUCKING POST THIS.

S/N: let me know if you want to be added to my forever list or the list for my Dean x Reader series (which I'll be continuing soon)

You had always been drawn to Sam but never ever would you react on it. You saw the way hunting had torn apart the Winchester’s, Ellen's, and Bobby's families. No way in hell would you put yourself through that because of a crush. A crush that you might have had for about 5 years, but nonetheless. And there was no way he was interested in you since you were 10 years younger than him. Women his age were more mature, had more money, and were all around sexier. While their daily outfits included pencil skirts with stiletto heels, you wore fitted jeans and cowboy boots.

Your evenings had generally consisted of hanging out at the roadhouse, bartending when Ellen was socializing. As you began stacking cups you heard the shifting of two stools followed by your name. You recognized that voice, it was Sam's. You sucked in a quick breath to calm yourself. You turned around, leaning over to place your elbows on the bar and to expose your chest. “Hey Sam, Dean. What can I get ya boys?”

Dean smiled, “Hey sweetheart, I'll take some whiskey.” As you turned around, you felt his eyes burning into your bottom. With a loud groan and an “Ow", you were sure that Sam had kicked Dean for eyeing you like a piece of meat. Turning back around and pouring Dean some whiskey on the rocks, you turned to Sam. Pushing strands of your Y/C/H hair behind your ear to let your eyes wander over Sam's shoulders and face.

“How about you Sammy, what can I get ya?” you purred, letting your lip set between your teeth.

What the hell were you doing?! Not even this morning did you have to pull yourself from your thoughts because you didn't want to have a nomad lifestyle. But you couldn't fucking help yourself. The way the looked, the way he smelled, and the way he spoke. You couldn't help but think about how amazing he would taste...

Sam looked over at Dean, your eyes following. He had already downed his whiskey and was now chatting it up with some girl who looked to be barely 21.

You began to giggle watching the interaction, and Sam couldn't help but admire you. Admire the way you looked when you smiled and your adorable laugh. Fuck, and the way you smelled made him so hard. A perfect mix between flowers and whiskey.

Feeling Sam's hand against your arm snapped you back to reality. He chuckled to himself, “I'd love some of you. Something I should've got the first time I met you.”

Your heart began to flutter. No way this was actually happening. Sam Winchester has wanted you for as long as you've wanted him?!

You had no idea what had gotten into you, but you leaned in. Letting your lips ghost over his, you whispered just loud enough for him to hear, “Then take me Sammy.. I'm all yours.”

You heard his breath catch and his gentle touch on your arm became a firm grip. “You have no idea how long I've wanted to hear you say that.” he groaned just before pressing his lips against yours.

He stood up and began towards the door, turning around and making eye contact just before leaving the doorway. Throwing the towel onto the counter you popped your head into the back room, “Hey Elle, I'm gonna take a break for the night!” she turned around and met you with a smile, “Sounds good sweetheart.”

Immediately after emerging from the door, you were pulled to the side and instantly had a warm set of lips against yours, Sam’s tongue begging to have entrance to your mouth. Sam pulled away, your face between his hands “Fuck Y/N you're perfect.” and his lips crashed into yours again, tongue sliding against yours as soon as you granted his request.

“Gonna make you feel so good tonight baby. Make you all mine.”

Your breathing was labored at the thought of Samuel Winchester touching you in all the right places.

“Let's go, I cant wait any longer.”

On the way there you couldn't help but wonder what had gotten into him. He and Dean had to have just gotten into town so he wouldn't have had any alcohol. Unless, was he just using you as a stress reliever? It was like he could read your mind because his hand found yours, squeezing it. “You know, I've had a crush on you for so long but I never thought you'd go for me." your eyes widened as they met his, “What do you mean?! You are easily the most attractive man I've ever seen.” he chuckled “I'm old baby.” your eyes met your feet “Yeah...I like it" you whispered under your breath, assuming he didn't hear you as he had no response.

Locking your front door behind you, you led Sam through the house to the living room. Lighting up the fireplace you brought out blankets and pillows to make a pallet. Within seconds Sam had his hands all over you, making figure eight shapes. He sat on the arm of the couch, pulling you between his legs and latching his lips to your throat. In between each breath he praised you, telling you how beautiful you were and how long he's waited for this. You pulled off his shirt, and he pulled off yours. Both of you doing an equal exchange of removing clothes until there was nothing on your bodies.

He moved to your makeshift bed and laid back, stroking his hard on and beckoning you with a finger, “Come take a seat on my face pretty girl. Let me show you what you've been missing.”

That stupid knot in your stomach grew along with the company of butterflies. The things that this man did to you were so confusing but without a second thought, you were crawling up his body. You had barely gotten your thighs at either side of his head before his hands were pulling your wet core down to his mouth. “Been wanting to taste you for so long baby. Wanna show you how bad I've needed you the past 5 years.”

“S-Sam...fuck yes" you choked out.

Sure you've had other guys go down on you and make you orgasm, but that was with your help. No one had ever given you such a euphoric feeling as Sam was right now. He sucked on your clit, gentle enough to not hurt you but hard enough to make it more sensitive every time. He darted his tongue in and out of your entrance with the occasional lick up and down your throbbing lips. You leaned back, just enough to get a firm hold on his cock and began pumping. For fucks sake, this man was huge. You wished you could turn to look at it but as soon as your hand made contact with his shaft, the grip on your thighs tightened and he let out and delicious groan. “Fuck baby, your hand feels so good, can’t wait to feel your pussy.”

By then you were a moaning mess. Sam keeping his rhythm of sucking, darting his tongue in and out, and licking were bringing you to the absolute edge but he kept stopping for a few moments every single time. “Want my baby to come when I do.” he breathed as he swatted your hand away from his cock, guiding it to his hair. You pulled your hands away, turning so you could lean down his body and take him into your mouth. “Mmmm. What a good girl. Sucking my dick while I eat her pussy.” he smirked as he smacked your ass. “Sam.. your mouth feels so fucking good on my pussy.” you moaned. Taking his shaft into your hands once more you circled his head with your tongue, then pushed it past your lips and began bobbing your head.

“Fuuuuuck baby girl," Sam groaned as he grabbed a fistful of your Y/C/H hair into his hand and pushed your head farther down, forcing his swollen tip to hit the back of your throat with every bob.

With his free hand he wet two fingers with his mouth and began flicking back and forth against your sensitive bundle of nerves. Thrusting his tongue in and out of your cunt.

He let out a guttural moan and you began to feel him twitch, unsure of whether or not you could take any more of him in your mouth, and again it was like Sam read your mind. He thrusted farther down your throat and just as you began to gag, he spilled into you. He tasted just as amazing as you had imagined; a perfect mix between sweet and salty. Feeling him moan your name against your pussy while hearing it sent you jumping off a cliff to chase your orgasm. As the waves began to take over, Sam firmly grabbed your hips and transitioned to focusing on your clit. Kissing and flicking his tongue over it as he helped you ride out your climax.

You tumbled off of him, finally taking note of how dim the fire had gotten and sighing while simultaneously trying to catch your breath. Sam propped himself on his left elbow, dragging his calloused fingers against your back and with a gravelly tone to his voice he said to you, “Don't worry babygirl, we’ll have plenty of nights we can spend right here.”

You sat up, grabbing a blanket to cover yourself. You turned your head and focused your attention on the small embers still glowing, “Hey Sam...?”

“Yeah Y/N?”

“I love you...”

There was silence. Both of you stopped breathing and all you could hear was the crackle of the dying fire. With tears swelling in your eyes from what you feared most, Sam pulled you from the thoughts.

As a large hand touched your cheek, he pulled your head to look at him.

Confusion struck when you saw tears streaming down his face as he began to speak, “I have waited so long for this moment. Waited so long to hear you tell me you loved me and to be able to say it back. Baby, I love you too..”

Your big, burly lumberjack was such a softy and you wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of your life with him.

Forever tags:

@ravenangel33 @mrs-meghan-winchester @shellydemon

#autumn1500 #sam winchester #sam winchester smut #samuel winchester #sammy winchester #sam x reader #sam x you #sam x y/n #smut #fanfic #fanfic smut #fanfiction #supernatural #spn #wotinspntarnation

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fr3aklike-me · 2 years

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aww of course ! you’re so sweet and i feel like i could say anything and you’d listen and care and that means so much to me. it seriously warms my heart💗”what i deserve to expect” shhdhdhdj AWWW

stop it youre so so cute omg. yes it was insane ! no way to ask questions or understand if it’s just a video and it wasn’t worth thousands at all !! yeah i don’t trust myself enough to handle the stress of it right now, i had so so many things going on during the lockdown that weren’t even Covid related and it changed how i wanted to live my life, and i don’t wanna spend the money if i know i won’t finish it. i know i want to one day though, but had i done it when i graduated it would feel like i was doing it to be “normal” to other people. like i really enjoy my job, and it’s easy enough to get promoted (though i’m waiting a while before applying for said promotions) and i don’t need a degree to do so, so it’s good it can be in the future. and also i am absolutely terrified of people my age, i never want to feel as judged as i did in high school (people weren’t even explicitly mean to me, i just tried to be like everyone else so much and it’s exhausting to be stared down 24/7 lmaooo) but thank you, that means so much, you’re so sweet omg. and i’m sorry for the long rant !! ahhhh

yes i love creative writing !! i used to write “books” as a child and i like writing stories now, and basically any assigned creative writing/ one with a prompt makes me happy. or writing about myself/my life is fun, i like the little details of stories and try to focus on those and the bigger picture. i really want to write a book about my life or based on it. so pretty much anything is what i mean hahaha what do you like writing? i can totally see it too, you’re an amazing writer. ooooh short stories are so fun !! what kind of media class is it ? oh really wow, yeah that sounds like a really emotional job too. i want to foster in the future, i want to help in some way yknow? but it’s hard to imagine doing either of those for work, and i don’t mind stress sometimes but i’d get too invested in it all and try to fix things that i can’t. but definitely agree, it’s the beauty of life to get through struggles and see what’s on the other side, i’m so grateful for everything i’ve gone through and will go through even though it sucks when you’re in it!

it feels brand new!!! my favorite is changing the sheets, it’s a total reset. i do too !! what’s that show about ? i haven’t watched anything new in a while but i really like true crime shows and if i’m doing something around the house i put on friends or any show like that that I’ve seen before !!

yessss i didn’t get it till recently, it’s not going away because i need someone else to do it for me !! no that doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all don’t worry hehe it just gave me butterflies 😳 that’s fair though, i used to only come once or twice but recently it’s so many times, not in a row though i cant do that! it’s just so random, and i cant ignore it if i’m alone or it gets worseee !! yess, i’m so touch starved i’m convinced i would come just from someone kissing my neck, ugh. if you don’t mind my asking, have you ever been in a relationship ?

-💟

omg djkjdkjd literally so, so fucking happy you feel that cared for. it means so much to me. I'm so happy you feel like you're being listened to and cared for <3

exactly, thousands of money really wasn't worth it. like, I had one professor who didn't even do lectures, just posted slideshows and textbook chapters to do. and, like, what was I paying for? I'm so proud of you that you reflected on what you want out of life and have decided to do what makes you feel happy and not go through any unnecessary stress, it's so amazing you're prioritizing yourself like that. absolutely, do it when ready and when you genuinely want to! and omg, if you apply for the promotions, I hope it goes well! it sounds like a great opportunity. like, definitely do postsecondary if and when it feels right and you truly, absolutely want it. and I totally understand, some people in high school won't explicitly be mean, but have this vague kind of judging going on. I am sorry you went through that, though. I hope you feel a bit more comfortable with yourself now too 💕 if it's any consolation, people in university, at least in mine, are way less judgemental. everyone is focused on their own studies and goals and career paths, so can't afford to waste time making others feel bad. also, people are just so much more mature and welcoming - like, everyone here are all doing their own thing, dealing with their programs and discovering what they want, and having that common ground with each other makes everyone so much more understanding. and please don't apologize! I like hearing you speak, and on this account, we love the rants, so it is one hundred percent good with me.

omg prompts are so, so much fun! it's so cool how a single-worded prompt can create this flood of ideas and inspiration for a full-blown story. oooh, and for sure, writing about oneself can be so much fun. it can also help so much with self-reflection - like, writing it out helps so much to sometimes put things in perspective. omg you totally should work on a book on your life! that would be so, so cool and interesting, and I feel like the writing process would be such a journey. do you journal? and I really love writing contemporary as of late, and I like focusing on the concepts of humanity, family, queerness, friendship, coming of age, that kind of stuff. and omg thank you so much, you're so sweet! hehe, I'm glad my less than wholesome thoughts on here are well written, hehe. and the media class is on communication and how media and technology directs messages to society. and it's so admirable you want to help people, it's an amazing kind of work, so long as you're also at peace with it. and omg, I like the way your mind works, it's so true. it doesn't feel good in the moment, but once we push through it, the relief and peace will be the most beautiful thing.

changing the sheets and making your bed hits so different, it's the best. I'm not totally sure what it's about - ik it's set in high school, and it has Kim Taeri, this actress I love. do you have any true crime recs? and omg... I literally have "Friends" playing on my television as I type this LMAO. I also keep it on in the background for so much!

I feel you, I'd do anything to have someone else help me when I'm in the mood. omg, butterflies? hehe, you're so cute. I honestly find it really attractive and hot when someone can come several times in a day, gives me all kinds of ideas. same, I can barely do it in a row, I'll be too tired down there, haha. omg, I completely understand. that is such a cute idea you've put in my head, though. 💞

and no, I've never been in a relationship! I haven't had many legit crushes through the years, but even then, it just never really worked out. what about you? if you're comfortable telling me, ofc! <3

#answered asks #💟 anon

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searchingformylostpan · 2 years

Text

It makes me feel ill to think about someone else being with you. I know why im not there right now and that shouldnt stop you from having someone else in your life, i just have this pit in my stomach thats gnawing at me, threatening to swallow me up. I know only time sober will allow you back in my life, but even then that pit will still be there, I'll still not be able to love you amd have it reciprocated...the pit is only growing stronger the longer im away from the drugs (used the last bit of dark Christmas eve, i need to toss the white but its my saftey net? If everything gets to be too much to handle and i get to the suicidal point again, i have no one to go to, i dont know of any healthy coping skills because all the ones i do know require wanting to live.) Everything hurts. I cant get my mind off of it no matter what im doing, its consuming me. I have never felt this hopeless about the future, before things could have always been worse. You said before everyone has their own bottom line of how far down theyll go. I passed mine a long time ago. I never wanted to let myself get this far down. A stupid impulsive decision to buy some dark one night was the turning point. Before that, i had it a few times, i definitely was already minorly hooked, but without the easy access i stayed in control of it. Well sorta. I wasnt spending all my money on it, i wasnt constantly using, i didnt have to worry about how bad it will hurt a couple days off of it. But it made the things that were hurting me that i thought i couldnt control (shocker i could have.) quiet down and i could feel ok for a little while. That quickly backfired on me. It made everything worse, it helped me to loose you, looking like forever at this rate, its made me not want to try to make my life better. It makes me complacent in the awful state my life is in, it takes away all the pain that would otherwise be motivating to change the situation. I thought my only option was stay or go. I didnt think there was a way to actually have you and only you. So when it was finally presented to me it seemed too good to be true. So my self sabotaging brain went and made it not a thing by reminding me of how the drugs will make all the doubts, fears, worries quiet down and let my mind relax. You were about as mentally drained as i was the few days before i ran away...i know you were so scared. We both were. Our communication had improved so much since last year i thought we had it down and wouldn't repeat the same patterns, yet instead of talking to eachother about what the real problems were i got in my own head and i could only think of one way out. The easy way out is temporary gratification. It makes you feel better quickly, but breifly. Then destroys everything good in its path. The harder way wouldnt have been easy in the moment, it would have been uncomfortable, made it hurt more for a moment maybe, but it would have ended with a lifetime of happiness and love. I always take the easy route, because its just that, easier. If i ever want some kind of real happiness and love back in my life, even a friendship with you...i have to take the hard way for once. I cant keep going on this path. It leads straight to under the bridge and thats about 1000 layers deeper than my personal low. Crawling out of this is gonna suck. Its going to be the worst ive ever felt, and i have to be alone for it now. Thats the main reason that im doubting myself...i have no one to go to for support when i need it, i have no one that will just be with me 24/7, i have no one checking in on what im doing. Right now its not that bad. By tonight, itll be not so good. I'm scared. Im scared that the reason i would fail will be 100% my own lack of self control and lack of ability to put in the work to actually improve my life. That involves some self love which right now is no where to be found. I just want to go into a coma for a month or 2 wake up and be out of this mess.

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ircmeltdown · 4 years

Conversation

two efnet nerds lose their shit over a dead channel

so are you gonna tell me what killed the channel and show? i havent been around to see

or are you still a banhappy pissbaby

basically we don't want you around because you are a pernicious negative influence and that won't ever change

"we"

find some new people to hang out with, mark

that's ll

speak for yourself and only yourself

you are not a spokesperson

this is the reason your channel and show has died

now i know the answer

When I say we I mean

the vast majority of chatters there

I spend the most time there

I talk to everyone

I have a pretty good finger on where people are at

you mean the 200 idlers and bots and the 6 people who are too scared to say the show is shit now

Just find your own shit

you can waste as much time as you want here

but you're talking to a wall

a wall that begs

fucking mendicant

like are you enjoying yourself right now

if not

why not do something you do enjoy

i enjoy telling faggots what a fucking disaster they are

ok, well you keep doing that

but the odds of me ever giving a shit again are very slim

it would be a lot better if you just moved on

but understood if you can't

who needs you to give a shit, who the fuck even are you?

a conman who begs from people poorer than him

there is no respect for you to lose

if you think that

i do

then find somewhere else to frequent

i have, and i pointed my head into the old haunt

you're only wasting your time here

and it was empty

and dead

and the show was the worst it has ever been

good job

great job

you did all that on your own

never mention the GNAA again you fucking fraud

and i know why your worried about defcon, and it isnt some dislike of vegas

lol

mark

its because you have no idea what you are talking about

remember how I told you you were pre-schizophrenic

and slowly losing your grip

yes, and you were wrong then, just as you are with your dead channel

the process is accelerating

incorrect,, your shit is dying, qpzdox is movin over here to start a fam with me

well good

up yours begging scum

I hope that works out for you

focus on that, not on me

my advice is to see a therapist soon

there is no focus on you, you are completely fucking irreverent

untreated schizophrenia is really terrible

and can hurt a lot of the people who depend on you

and a failed author begging is terrible too

only i didnt have to project that

its true

but there's medication that can help

and self evident

I'm gonna leave you with that advice, good luck

nobody takes advice from panhandlers

I don't talk with panhandlers, personally

try that

"dont mention that dog shit smells when you walk by it"

fuck you

I'm sorry you feel angry

but it's a lot more your own situation than anything with me

not angry, sad the show has died so bad

this used to be a thriving community

then make your own show

now its a dried up husk of wallet

and YOU did that

not me

uh huh

why don't you make something better then

instead of haranguing me

i do the shit that makes the news, i dont report the news

I don't owe you anything mark

that was your job

that's not my job

it was

This is an online show I do

before you started begging

there's no boss

there's no salary

it isn't a job

it's a show

the boss is the fucking audience you mong

and yours has been banned down to onlu yesmen

well

you should leave that audience

i did

and i come back, and most have also lefy

ok, then your problem is solved

that was easy

my prblem is with the dead community, one you killed

is that solved?

there appear to be

is it back?

many people chatting right now

so it just peaked after your show? hmm, for a channel about the show, surely it should peak at the show

Maybe your problem is that you can't objectively make sense of the situation

because you are so emotional about it

you're a numbers guy right

just analyze how many lines are chatted

during the show

and during the periods after it

make sure you add the chats on restream

nigger please, i just led a landslide on my island with ALL the working class breaking 100years of hardcoded hate and tradition, to vote tory

and you sit there with a dead show

oh, did you

you have no link the the gestalt anymore

shilling for bloomberg

lol bloomboig

seriously, I get that you're lonely

but your situation is not going to improve

without intervention

from a therapist

my situation is on the up, yours is on the down

you'll just keep suffering

you are begging, i am not

your show is dead, i have a future

I don't think you're even fooling yourself

every line of chat you type is just

you cant roleplay as a success and also beg l0de

*it hurts*

they do not mesh

that's why you see everyone retract from you

because i tell the cold hard truth?

if you're noticing that you can't get a rise out of people and they're talking right past you

im not trying to irk you

a lot of it is because your reality has gotten so distorted

that people just go

"oh he's nuts"

and they disregard what you think

people can inherently recognize that kind of thinking

and they recoil from it

like look up this query

do I seem upset with you

said the guy with the now dead channel and show and left

or like I'm responding emotionally to your points or even engaging with them

where did those people go l0de

did they recoil from you begging

I'm not because I know you're losing your mind

where did your audience go l0de

I'm typing to you now just to be part

of the huge number of people who will have to tell you to get help

before you will finally do so

or become homeless

ive been homeless, it sucks less than watching a grown man beg online

If you would like to avoid being homeless again

your issues of mental health have to be addressed

oh, is the tax evader and beggar going to give me life advice

yeah, your projecton doesnt work

I've seen this play out many times

I know that it takes many, many people telling someone to get help

before they finally figure it out

Don't wind up on the train tracks mark

you dont get to beg for money and give out advice

if you followed your own advice

you've gotten significantly worse

you wouldnt need to beg

can you follow that?

you are not an authority, you are a beggar

the number of distortions I see in the chat

are higher than they were last year

do you beg for other people to p[ay your taxes, yes or no

everybody can and pays theirs, but you're special

other people should pay it for you

none of this is distorted at all

its the reason your show died

and you know it

Do you have anyone you trust

ive never trusted anybody

at all

well then you have no one you can take this log to

and ask

"hey, which one of us is the crazy one"

find someone you do trust

good luck

do you think they will side with the guy running a dying begshow or the guy pointing out you are running a dying begshow

You can do your own analysis here

if you don't trust anyone else

i know people dont like parasites

run through this log

and see how many times you try to say something negative

and then run through my responses

you want me to be happy the show is dead?

you can see it's pretty one sided

beause im not

there is nothing nice to say about this situation you have created

and that I kind of don't really give a shit what you think about the show

its awful

but I'm pretty sure that you're losing your mind

whatever makes you feel better

it's time to seek some help

it's time for you to seek a job

nobody can respect a beggar

I think you can tell also

In any case, I would prefer you didn't contact me again

you can do whatever you want

but I do not want to talk to you

and will probably not respond

do you think my family, which i spend more time with than anybody, would have noticed some mental illness, or how about my doctors, does l0de know better than all these people

or is he just pandering to himself

so he doesnt feel bad

the last thing I'll leave you with

print out this query

take it to a therapist

talk about how you feel here

what led you to this point

and see what they think

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