#istg i thought it was about decapitation. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yakumtsaki · 3 years

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-Oh Liz, queen of my heart, I never thought a humble bloodthirsty bandit such as myself would ever be so deliriously, disgustingly happy! I can barely believe it! -Believe it, darling! -Nothing will ever come between us, right? -Of course not! I’d rather die than live a single second without you!

-Agnes, about fucking time you showed up. I need a divorce. -And I need to not be a head of the Jacoban Church™️ so I can have carnal relations with Royal Advisor Rae. Life’s a bitch. -Right sure, gross, but my issue is solvable, just grant me a divorce, no biggie. -YES BIGGIE, are you insane?? Marriage is a sacrament!!! The Jacoban Church™️ does not grant divorces- -Well I’m sure you can make an exception- -Let me finish! Does not grant divorces.. for free.

-Ah darling, there you are, practicing your bandit sword moves again huh? Here, have a new dagger in a rose sheath. -Aw Liz, so sweet! -I know, I’m the best. So I have some news, nothing interesting really, we just got a temporary divorce so I can marry that elf freak and annex Effenmont. I knew you’d be cool about it.

-YOU FUCKING WHAT? WE TOOK A HOLY OATH IN FRONT OF THE GLOWING MARRIAGE OFFICIANT NPC -Well that’s a lot of religion for someone who was robbing unarmed peasants left and right! -OH DON’T EVEN. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

-It’s only temporary! You can be my royal mistress in the meantime!

-OH YA SURE I’LL BE YOUR MISTRESS, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND??? TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT THIS GLORIOUS BOSOM -Ok I am. -LAST TIME YOU’LL BE SEEING IT, BITCH

-FINE KAYLEY, FINE, LEAVE!!! I’LL MARRY THE LAME EFFENMONTIAN AND WE’LL HAVE KIDS SO PASTY THEY’LL LITERALLY BE INVISIBLE. AND THEN YOU’LL BE SORRY

Ok Liz I know you’re in major crisis but why would she be sorry over your pasty kids? -I DON’T KNOW. SHUT UP

-Well well, looks like someone fucked up her own undeserved happiness! Could not have happened to a worse person! :) -I can’t even exchange insults with your wrinkly ass today, Rae, fuck off. -Ok! :) Just letting you know the elves are here! :) -I’m gonna chop that smirk right off your head istg.

-Salutations, Lady Elizabeth. I’d like to inform you right from the start that I have no interest in marrying you, because this quest is designed with me playing annoyingly hard to get.

-Salutations to you too, Aryan wet-dream. Let me in turn inform you that I couldn’t give less of a shit about this and I just want to get it over with so I can go cry on my throne.

-That’s not how it works! You’re supposed to be besotted with my elusive elvish beauty!

-Yea I hate to break it to you but you people are about as elusive as your ‘hidden homeland’ with the maps to its location available at every thrift store, now just marry me already and let’s get this alliance going, I’m losing valuable crying time here!

-We’re gathered here today.. didn’t I just marry you last week? -I’m going to execute everyone in this church if you don’t get this done in under 1 minute. -Ok then, well let me just say I’ve never seen two people more in love..

-..such sincere smiles! -Yea definitely, I mean I can’t speak for point ears here, but I absolutely do not crave death. -I now pronounce you married, and I pronounce Elizabeth an Empress! -Awesome, best wedding ever, let me just find Agnes for a sec-

-Alright, divorce me. -WHAT??

-Old age affecting your hearing? D I V O R C E M E -This is ridiculous! -So is your creepy non-physical affair with my advisor, don’t want that getting to your flock now do we? -FINE, you’re divorced. AGAIN. -Good, let me get the fuck outta here..

-Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?

STOP OMG it’s Consort Linotta aka literal younger version of piratefu, this is the most stereotypical shit ever I can’t.

-Well, Linotta, you already have ‘Consort’ in your name, and you bear an uncanny resemblance to someone very dear and not currently near to my shattered heart.. So I guess I have only one question for you..

-Feel like digging for some gold?

Boy does she ever! This was honestly suspiciously easy, we’re clearly in the Post-Bella-Dina-Caliente phase here. Also I can’t believe we’re doing this in the Jacoban cathedral of all places but you know what, might as well automatize this so we don’t have to keep changing locations-

-aka woohoo in Agnes’ bed! Absolutely over for the moral authority of the Jacoban Church™️.

-We are gathered here today, because we never left, because Empress Elizabeth’s last wedding was half an hour ago- -Put a good spin on this or I’ll decapitate you? -BUT the Watcher works in mysterious ways, and sometimes half an hour is more than enough to build the foundations of a strong marriage!

-I made it, hoes! The era of Royal Consort Linotta begins! And consort to an empress, not some cucky queen!

*Netflix-The Crown theme playing*

#tsm

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abysslll · 2 years

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okok hi im here with public school stories :D

one time in grade 1 (?) I was doing jumprope and fell and I thought I was okay and when I walked into my classroom my teacher was like freaking out and turns out I was dripping blood all over the floor

one time a kid put a frozen pizza in a microwave for 17 minutes and got in barely any trouble

in grade 3 the class next to ours was practicing for a play and a kid tripped and fell and broke his ankle and we all heard the screams

in grade 6 my teacher was on paternity leave and the sub was horrible. a guy spilled water and when he went to clean it up the sub pointed to a group of girls and said "hey, clean the water. girls are made for cleaning"

same sub: we had a lockdown drill and he told us that there were no police in the school and no one had been informed of this drill so it was real and we were all gonna die. like just repeatedly telling us "this is how you die. be ready. theres no one coming to help". everyone was crying.

another sub (miss barbie doll) hit a kid with one of those rlly rlly long rulers multiple times. we got her fired :D

on the first day of grade 6 the pipes were broken and if you tried to flush the bathroom or use the sink, everything would come spilling back out.

in the third grade some kid hit the fire alarm and we were sent to stand outside in like –20 canadian degrees in the snow for like an hour before we were sent to the school next to ours so we wouldnt freeze to death and i was one of the few people not offered warm clothes

we went to a overnight camp one time and it was very weird. the guys who ran the camp had animal names. in the middle of the night the owners were running to the parking lot yelling "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE". we were taught a campfire song about bananas on the moon.

theres this little area at the basketball court thats two walls together and we would go there to play "death soccer". you would kick the ball into the wall as hard as possible and it would fly around nearly decapitating everyone. this was also a rlly good way to get soccer balls onto the roof.

there was an underground kazoo selling ring. i was part of it. people would buy a shit ton of plastic kazoos and sell them to the other students. i was one of the delivery people :D

one time these guys had to present a speech in front of the whole school and as soon as they got on stage one of them yelled "revoke the fifth amendment!" and people started cheering

this one kid stole another guy's phone and computer and smashed them to bits. he also kept a hammer in his locker. he was frequently violent and didnt get in trouble because he was smarter than most of us.

my friend likes telling the story of when he was in grade 2: he gave half the class a haircut and got suspended for it. the story had something to do with another kid scratching his eye so my bsf cut his hair in retaliation

i cant tell you how many times someone's tooth got knocked out or nose was broken. one girl broke her nose SIX TIMES at school

thats all i can think of for now, ill send u more stories if i think of them

"this is how you die. be ready. theres no one coming to help" SIR????? HELLO????????

the overnight camp tho that's some shit straight out of gemini home entertainment. i. would like to visit.

revoke the fifth amendment is the funniest thing to ever be yelled at a school assembly istg

also. what the fuck happened to that girl how did she break her nose six times

#bat <3 #endless asks #i'm so concerned

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curly-bangtan · 4 years

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30🆘33🆘34 AAAAAAAAAAAAA 🥳🥳🥳🥳

#30: “you’re secretly so soft, don’t even deny it.”

#33: “let me kiss your pouty lips.”

#34: “okay that’s it, you’re definitely my soulmate.”

A/N: @taexxxiiaa means with Heatwave!Taehyung loll she got too excited…! Any fic member drabbles are non-canon so this could have happened in the Heatwave world but only hypothetically/possibly!!

“Fuck.” Taehyung looks at his phone screen as it lights up so blindingly bright after plugging it into the charger. “Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. FUCK!”

[23 unread message]

-23:01-

Roommate hoe: yo wya

-23:05-

Roommate hoe: y u always late

Roommate hoe: u better be on ur way

-23:14-

Roommate hoe: bitch where r u

-23:16-

Roommate hoe: kim taehyung

Roommate hoe: taehyung kim

Roommate hoe: hyung kim tae

-23:17-

Roommate hoe: can u at least reply

-23:19-

Roommate hoe: im getting so pissy

-23:20-

Roommate hoe: n cold

-23:29-

Roommate hoe: where the fuck r u

-23:31-

Roommate hoe: u better not be dead in a ditch somewhere or i killu

-23:33-

Roommate hoe: answer ur phone

-23:45-

Roommate hoe: 45 mins late

Roommate hoe: no sex for u tonight

Roommate hoe: i’m rly mad @ u

Roommate hoe: i’m sleeping with someone else tn

-23:49-

Roommate hoe: istg if u forgot our anniversary

-23:50-

Roommate hoe: is ur phone dead again

-00:00-

Roommate hoe: 1 hour

Roommate hoe: i’m rly fucking mad right now.

Roommate hoe: TAEHYUGN

Roommate hoe: u r dead to me.

[8 miss calls from Roommate hoe]

Taehyung is scared for his life. And then he hears the keys rattle at the front door and his heart drops ten storeys more from the purgatory it had already fallen to. He has never experienced fear like the fear of your wrath, fiery as dragon’s breath and as potent as the venom of a scorpion. He chucks his phone onto his bed, anchored by the charger wire to the wall. And he quietly, cautiously, creeps out from his room.

Okay, you look really fuck hot. In your skin tight leather pants and black mesh top that allows some skin to peak through.

If it wasn’t for the pure rage carved onto your face like you’re some Halloween mask, he would pounce over like a wolf and fuck you on the couch. Except you’re practically breathing out fire through your nose, absolutely seething, arms crossed at the sight of him.

“M-My died phon- My phone died.” He stutters out like a poor kindergarten boy explaining to his teacher that he’d left his homework at home but he promises he did it.

“How. Many. Times. Did. I. Tell. You. To. Pack. Your. Charger. In. Your. Fucking. Bag.” You grit each syllable out so hard that your jaw almost hurts. Gulping, Taehyung watches you shake your heels off and kick them away harder than you need to.

“I’m so so so sorry I forgot, Y/N. I got so carried away at the library, it just completely slipped my mind.” It’s extremely brave of him, you have to say, for him to take those long strides towards you.

“You forgot? We literally were texting about it this afternoon! How the fuck can you forget? It’s our friendship anniversary! We do this ever fucking year!” Taehyung flinches as your volume raises. You almost regret it. But then you remember how fucking cold and embarrassed you were, waiting outside for a whole hour for his dumb ass to show up.

Every year, the two of you like to celebrate the night you had first met at the club. It’s a tradition for you to go to this club together and have a blast of a night, just the two of you, no inviting other friends, no sleeping with anyone else, and then end it with chicken and beer at the local 24hr Korean fried chicken place. It’s tradition!

And because Taehyung just so happen to have coursework due at midnight tonight, he had spent the whole day at the library rushing his project and promised to meet you there. It wasn’t like the thought hadn’t crossed your mind that he would be late; you had had an inkling that he would somehow goof it up and maybe show up 20 minutes past 11 or something. But you didn’t know that he would forget about it entirely.

Fucking ouch.

“Hey, I’m really honestly so tremendously awfully,” he inhales, “extremely terribly immensely appallingly very very sorry. I’m sorry. I fucked up and I have no excuse.”

You stare at him, hand gripping the plastic bag containing something that he doesn’t deserve but you got for him anyway. Fuck the frown lines you’re going to get, you’re gonna frown as much as you fucking can at him. He’s got those wide apologetic puppy eyes, trying to convey his genuine contrite and guilt.

Fuck his stupid puppy eyes.

“Okay. Good night.” You heedlessly toss the bag at him, watching him fumble to catch it in surprise as you walk past him to you room, purposely not making any more eye contact.

To your relief but also annoyance, he’s too busy revealing the contents of the bag to chase after your heel. You don’t slam your door, but you do shut it loud enough to convey how much you’re fuming.

God, you feel like an idiot.

You were just standing there in front of the club, waiting for an hour. So many people you know walked by as well, asking you how come you’re not going in yet. You should have just went in with them.

Taehyung is infuriating sometimes. On good days, he’s cute and ditsy, on bad days, he’s clumsy, incapable, forgetful, careless, unreliable and absent-minded. It really is as if you’re his mother sometimes.

Disgruntled, you flop onto your bed face first, mentally swearing your stupid roommate in six different languages. Then comes the timid knock on the door you were expecting. You ignore it. You hear his muffled throat-clearing, “Y/N… Can I come in?”

You want to ignore him. You want to ignore him so badly. But there’s just something about his boyish innocence that has his claws embedded into you. You sigh, cursing your soft spot for him, and go to open the door.

“Wh-“

You’re silenced when he enshrouds you in his embrace, his honey scent permeating into your mind and making you unable to resist sinking into him. You give yourself credit for being able to not reciprocate the hug. But as he walks you back into your room into your bed, your head buried in his shoulder, his hands clutching your back the way he holds his teddy bear Kimchi when he sleeps, your own arms are itching to circle his neck. The plastic bag dangles from his elbow, swinging at your every step back

With his weight on top of you, you fall onto the mattress. Or more like he forces you to fall onto the mattress, his body propped up over you by his two arms on either side of your face.

“I’m so sorry.”

You refuse to look at him.

“You got me chicken and beer on your way home?” The noisy crinkle of the plastic bag as he takes out the takeaway you had bought for him despite being absolutely livid is vexing.

You should’ve just consumed it all yourself. Why did you even get it for him?

“Yeah, figured you’d forget to eat since you were at the library all day. Plus, unlike some people, I don’t forget our annual friendship traditions.” Grumbling, you fix your eyes on him, determined to coax more guilt from him. Yet instead, it backfires because you feel a warmth in your chest, urging you to forgive him.

“Fuck. Okay, that’s it, you’re definitely my soulmate.” He is cursing at himself in his head, you can tell. As he pushes his hair out of his face in frustration, you want to kiss him stupid. The fuck is wrong with you?

“Ha. Don’t call me your soulmate if you can’t even remember our anniversary.” Puckering your bottom lip out at him, you say. “I’ll kick you in the balls if you don’t get off me.”

Taehyung laughs. It’s a sound that threatens to dissolve your anger, a smile queuing impatiently at your lips. Don’t break. “You wouldn’t. You just went all the way to to get me fried chicken and beer even after I stood you up on our anniversary. You’re secretly so soft, don’t even deny it.”

“Shut it, dickface.” You attempt to roll away from under him but he cages you between his arms. “Look how you take advantage of my kindness towards you. You don’t deserve me.”

“I knowwww I don’t deserve you. I will do all the grovelling for as long as you want me. I’ll do laundry for the rest of the month. I’ll wash the dishes every time. I’ll buy you bubble tea any time you want me to. Pleaseeeee.” Whining, he squeezes your cheeks between his two unholy massive palms and nuzzles into your neck.

Ugh, you’re so sick of him. He’s impossible.

“Firstly, the last time you did laundry, you stained all our white clothes pink.” You yank him by his hair off your neck. “Secondly, I don’t trust you with the dishes because you’ve already broken my favourite mug. And third, no take backs on the bubble tea.”

He smiles at you sheepishly. He knows how incompetent he is, how he is honestly a twenty-something year old toddler. A man child.

When he doesn’t say anything, plainly staring at you with his cheeks risen so high from his smile, you finally give in and giggle.

God, why is your roommate so annoying?

“Haha! Got you! You can’t stay mad at me.” Taehyung shakes you by the head triumphantly like a baby playing, borderline trying to decapitate, his doll.

“Let go! I’m getting whiplash!” The laughter sputters out of you traitorously.

“Let me kiss your pouty lips then.”

You hate that you let him, and you hate how just like that, you’re not mad at your best friend anymore. As he kisses you so softly and apologetically, you melt into him, forgetting how rudely you were cursing him an hour ago.

Later, you two eat the Korean fried chicken and drink the cans of beer on your bed, reminiscing about your early days after initially moving in together, laughing at all those weird awkward encounters.

It’s your friendship anniversary, so you don’t have sex tonight. But ironically you can’t stop kissing as he cuddles you to sleep.

05/11/2019

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