#interestingly i think i internalized this before i really realized it

[abirddogmoment]

realized today that I'm so done being embarrassed by my puppy's normal harmless age-appropriate behaviours

#sorry i cant hear your unsolicited advice over the sound of her awroo-ing #because its the best day of her entire life #this is specifically about like wriggling and sticking her leggies out #(NOT like lunging or barking at dogs etc) #this is specifically harmless behaviour im managing thats lightly annoying #i spent so much time being embarrassed by mavs jubilant personality #i cant go that route with rory too #oh in puppy class she wants to make heart eyes at the teacher instead of practicing sit? #no problem shes four months old #oh she wants to worm around on a snuffle mat instead of use it properly? #yeah its fine shes four months old? #shes very sweet and very dumb its fine shes literally four months old #she will get there eventually #i wont be embarrassed about her age appropriate behaviours in appropriate settings #interestingly i think i internalized this before i really realized it #i havent been embarrassed about a single thing shes done so far #and i was constantly embarrassed about mav at this age so #hashtag character development

[piracytheorist]

I am once again thinking about how much of a new territory Twilight is walking through with his relationship with Yor.

Like, he's been in multiple fake relationships. There have certainly been times where his partners would be soft and gentle and intimate with him. They would hold his hand and kiss him and brush their fingers through his hair and snuggle with him... And he'd have to pretend to enjoy it and reciprocate. There would always be a barrier between his partners' physical touch and what he allowed himself to feel.

But then, with Yor... The scene where he woke up in her lap and freaked out showed us that he became truly vulnerable with her, completely out of his control. And she was soft with him. He didn't have to put any effort into provoking that behaviour from her; on her own accord she took care of him, laid him down on a bench, his head on her lap, both their coats keeping him warm, and she sang a sweet lullaby to him.

He was so unprepared for such softness and care that he reacted to it like he was under attack. Yet Yor kept it on. Her care was not reciprocated (at least not physically) - but she didn't take it back. He didn't feel the need to put on a mask and pretend to accept Yor's care, yet Yor did not regret the way she took care of him.

That is mostly because of Yor's insecurity, where she felt it was her fault for knocking him out instead of realizing he deserved that kick after the boundary he crossed and feeling that Loid was justified in not wanting her as his pretend wife anymore.

And that was when Twilight realized his mistake. The honey trap didn't take because this isn't like the other fake relationships he's had. She reacted negatively to it and the lack of physical reciprocation of her care did not deter her; instead, she feels she is the one lacking. Twilight realizes he can't win Yor over for the mission with flowers and chocolates and promises he doesn't intend to keep. Instead he needs honesty; something he's never used before, because none of his previous relationships had the level of openness that his "partnership" with Yor does.

Yor practically lays her soul bare to him about how she feels she's not fit for his family, and that's the moment he reciprocates. He shares a vulnerable piece of information from his past in order to make Yor understand how much he actually values what she considers a flaw of hers. It's not manipulation, it's not a trick; it's him genuinely connecting with Yor - interestingly enough, there's no internal monologue of him saying he has to comfort her For The MissionTM, and as others have said, there's a new timbre to his voice here; it's not Twilight, it's not Loid, it's the real man behind all of it.

This controlled vulnerability came after a moment of shock from uncontrolled vulnerability; him passed out and Yor looking after him. And he needs to freak out. He needs to realize he's giving up control on his spy discipline not because he's really choosing to, but because he genuinely feels so secure in Yor's presence that him lowering his defenses comes naturally. It probably won't come soon (I don't think he's already in love with her in the anime), and it will certainly not come easy (he's still a spy after all), but it's a necessary step he needs to do to accept his true feelings about her.

To have her touch him and him leaning into the touch without actively thinking he has to; reciprocating just by feeling; his core getting warm at the mere feeling of her fingers in his hair; his smile becoming more and more genuine as time passes until there's zero effort to it; all of that coming without (or sometimes, against) his control.

But until then, he oughta freak out a bit. What's the fun otherwise?

(Anime only fan here, don't spoil me about the manga)

#man I don't ship often but when I ship. I SHIP. #Loid Forger #Yor Forger #twiyor #Spy x Family #sxf meta

[marvelandponder]

Was Sunset supposed to be depressed/suicidal in the last arc of empathy for the devil?

Naturally with a question like that, content warning! I'm going to be using the word so skip this analysis if you don't want to read that.

That's a good question. I think it’s open for interpretation exactly what "exile" translates to metaphorically. You could definitely read it that way

I'll seperate depression and suicidality. From my perspective, she was depressed as of chapter 9 she just doesn't have the words for that. She's not too in tune with her feelings or the language for them. We see her disassociate a bit in class, nothing feels quite real to her. Her friends definitely pick up on it. They'd eventually get to the point where they threw her and Timber an intervention.

Twilight seems to think Sunset "hasn't been herself since before [her] roadtrip." She noticed things like Sunset sounding "stressed and fatalistic" and that all her "cute little jokes are just digs at [herself] now.” And she definitely wasn't the only one. We see the others trying to cheer her up and checkin with her in chapter 8, knowing she told them she doesn't want to talk about her feelings all the way back in chapter 2. Even in chapter 10, Twilight picks up on how many times Sunset’s apologizing without even thinking.

In chapter 8, Sunset even remembers the last time she felt this bad, which was right after the Fall Formal. She makes a checklist of a lot of the external things as signs she wasn't doing well internally then, and she seems to judge herself for them, but interesting that she's talking about not sleeping, not taking care of herself physically, and even mismatched clothes before she even thinks to talk about her emotions.

Depressed, yeah. Suicidal, depends how you read it. But it's a very valid interpretation and would certainly make all her friends' fears for her that much more dire.

Depression is super common - and definitely in high school. Sometimes in middle school, too. It's because around that age your brain is quite literally developing the capacity for emotions in your amygdala before it develops your prefrontal cortex. Your ability to regulate your emotions develops after the emotions do (I would wager a guess that's because you have to have develop it by regulating your emotions - which takes time to learn). I had friends who had depression in high school and one with suicidal ideation.

While it wasn't like an intended goal I had when outlining the story, it also doesn't surprise me. It really just came about as a natural consequence of where the character would be emotionally if she felt she didn't have a real purpose on top of the massive amounts of guilt and shame she doesn't know what to do with. Our girl was going through it.

By the end, though, we do see her find her drive and purpose again. And interestingly, Sunset seemed pretty convinced her exile would be best for everyone but as soon as she sees how devastated her friends were that she was leaving, she realizes how loved and important she is to them. She chooses to stick around for them, for the life she wants to build, and a purpose of her own choosing. And the whole damn school calls out to her when they think she's a demon! Things get better for her despite the fact that it felt to her like it never could.

And you haven't seen it yet, but it's not like she doesn't have emotions to deal with after this is all over. You'll see how Sunset is doing after all that in the next stories! But she's got a good support system, and has learned it's okay not to be okay.

I'm sure that won't come in handy at all 😉

#empathy for the devil #sunset shimmer #tw: sui ideation #tw: sui thoughts #tw: suicide #tw: suidice

[plangentlyre]

Experimentation is without its bouts of failure. Rather than to indicate poor execution, lapses in technical adequacy may serve as a means to refinement and a redirection of the experiment's goals.

That is, if such redirection must lead Rui Kamishiro a couple years back into the past without any means for return.

It was unintentional, really. Rui was merely revisiting one of his previous inventions to use for their next show. Usually he'd opt to start from the scratch when it comes to creating special effects and devices for a creative approach. However, he'd decided that a revision of his inventions may yield an interesting outcome.

And interestingly so, tinkering with a time machine did.

Rui surveys the area that he was transported at and finds himself standing on a familiar street in the city with lines of houses surrounding him. It is a relief that he wasn't sent into another country due to the time reversal, that only lessens the amount of effort he needs to exert to go back.

Although...

Rui turns, expecting to see the same dome-shaped machine to greet him but instead he meets an open gate to a large mansion. Before his muddled, sleep-deprived mind can register the familiar structure of the front garden and entrance, the door opens, revealing a boy in his middle school uniform.

As one would expect to react to a stranger on their doorstep, the boy yelps, staggering a few steps back into the room in shock. "Y-You—!"

Sunset hair, vibrantly colored eyes and a loud, booming voice of a million decibels—it is without a doubt that Tsukasa Tenma is the boy standing there in front of him.

"Hello," he greets, still a bit dumbfounded from the fast pace of occurrences flashing by him in seconds. "I'm sorry for intruding you."

"Oh! W-Well, there's no need for apologies. I just wasn't mindful is all!" Unexpectedly, a rush of red flushes the star's cheeks. "May I help you?"

There's a couple of things to note. One is that Tsukasa clearly doesn't recognize him and two is that he's definitely, without a doubt in his brilliant mind much younger than his actual age.

Much shorter too, he thinks then giggles internally, but Tsukasa-kun has always been rather short.

At the back of his mind, Rui realizes that interacting with a Tsukasa-kun in the past may alter the timeline of their first meeting and possibly cause a time paradox and that he must find a way to evacuate quickly. It is a reasonable thought, one that should be heeded and listened to in caution but something within Rui's desires drives him to step closer to the flustered student and ruffle the strands of his hair.

He smiles, wearing that one particular smile that he knows Tsukasa maddens over. "There's a favor actually~ Promise you won't tell anyone? It's a bit of a personal matter."

"I-I—!" As expected, Tsukasa's blush intensifies and his eyes restlessly look back and forth at his face. He fidgets with the buttons of his shirt, mumbling, "Well, as long as I can help someone in need..."

Ahhh~ Tsukasa-kun is always so cute~ It's way too easy to tease him.

He chuckles lowly, "Then if I may ask—hm?"

Before he can question Tsukasa where the nearest hardware store was in their area (although he already knows, he was merely savoring the time to talk to the young star), the sounds of running footsteps resounds across the street accompanied by the screech of someone's yell slowly increasing in volume.

Then suddenly, something slams into him.

The impact was immediate and the effects instantaneous. One second, Rui Kamishiro is standing tall on his 180cm glory near Tsukasa and the next he is lying face down on the concrete ground, a schoolbag over his bruised head and a stream of blood gushing out from his grinning mouth. Tsukasa screams in worry, yelling out whether he's okay.

And then, a voice as loud and shrilling as Tsukasa's thunders the area. "Stay away from my brother, you creep!!!!"

#rui meets middle school!tsukasa #project sekai #tsukasa tenma #tenma tsukasa #rui kamishiro #kamishiro rui #ruikasa #deserved #RIP rui 🙏 you will be missed #altered the events a bit that's why saki is also attending middle school #time travel #ficlet #aster's writing

[blackjackkent]

Gale, 1, 2, 3, 4 and 19

(Character Ask Meme)

Ooh. I feel like I don't talk about Gale much. :O

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

I think Gale has an interestingly complex series of outcomes in the game (there's a fairly wide range of discrepancy between "college professor" and "god" although I've known some college professors that didn't think so XD ). His characterization is interesting, too, because it's a really tangled mix of hubris and insecurity, arrogance and self-deprecation. And his relationship with Mystra makes me want to put him somewhere safe out of her reach forever.

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

Gale's diction is super fun to listen to and to write. (I've described writing Gale's character as - write what you want him to say, and then go back and add extra words everywhere unnecessarily. XD ) He clearly really enjoys language and his own use of it on a level completely separate from its usage in verbal spellcasting. (This could be also described as enjoying the sound of his own voice, which is also probably true. XD But he likes an elegant turn of phrase and I love that for him.)

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

Mystra. Mystraaaaaa. [shakes fist] Gale has been treated very badly and it really is kind of heart-wrenching to realize how thoroughly he's internalized his relationship with his goddess as a normal thing even when it clearly is not.

(I'm taking "least favorite" here to mean - thing I think was least good for him in-universe. I think his growth around how Mystra treated him and how he can learn (or fail to learn, or overcompensate in trying to learn) how to exist separate from her is a very good story in a Doylist sense.)

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

Hm. Other wizard-related fiction. Let's put him in Ursula LeGuin's Earthsea trilogy. :D I would be interested to see Gale's take on the magic in that realm, its intrinsic ties with the true names of things. Kind of hooks in with his enjoyment of language as mentioned above.

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

Again, taking "don't like" here to mean - in-universe not good for him. I don't think Elminster is actually a good influence on him. (I'm not sure if this is a hot take or not; my mutuals who are more in the Gale sphere than me can weigh in.) Elminster and Gale clearly consider each other friends, but given Elminster's stature there's still a distinct power imbalance there. I think I read (not sure if this is fanon or canon) that Elminster was the one responsible for headhunting Gale into Mystra's service originally; it definitely is canon, too, that Elminster had his own relationship with Mystra and thinks Gale getting back in her good graces is the best thing for him, which I think we can all agree it is not.

(I don't think Elminster's a bad character though; I've mentioned before that I think it's interesting that he's being framed as a more fallible and less omniscient individual than he was in the previous games.)

#ask meme #i follow a lot of people who are way more gale-expert than me so hopefully none of this feels too off the mark XD #also god i'm always so bad at coming up with 'things i don't like' XD #i have this problem in my work 1-1s too #my boss'll be like “so what are some issues we as a team could work on and do better” #and my completely honest response is “idk i think everyone's great and i'm quite happy just pushing along” #i think i'm just very hard to annoy XD

[zyzix]

it’s been this long since the release of NEO and what happens to Neku is still like. the Hardest thing to swallow in the story. it’s so bad from both a character writing and thematic point of view

the first thing people think about when they meet Neku again is that he is seriously OOC, but it’s not that simple. it goes deeper than that. It seems like he’s behaving this way for a reason but the reason That seems to be is ALSO an alarming turn for his character with no apparent explanation. What i mean:

Stage One is thinking Neku is OOC because he gets along with everyone pretty easily and isn’t grumpy and doesn’t seem to have a lot of thoughts about being stuck in the ruins of a dead city for three years straight

Stage Two is realizing that we don’t see Neku’s internal monologue in this game except a SINGLE exception in Another Day. Suddenly, he seems like Neku again. So on top of the character development we can know and assume he has had, he’d probably sound really normal to us in his head. Things like his characteristic snark, his internal logic for doing things, and his feelings about being isolated from everything he cares about for three years must simply be hidden away from us and the other characters.

Stage Three is remembering how much disdain Neku originally had for insincerity or fake-ness.

That brings us back to just... how much our current Neku exists and bends to suit the story of NEO, as opposed to being an extension of his previous self. Before, Neku hated how people would pretend, and pretend to be friendly (though he’d conflate the two.) Now I have to assume that Neku is pretending himself. There was supposed to be middle ground here related to opening up, I thought.

Now is it possible for someone to do a 180 like that? Certainly! But it’s another form of development we can’t actually look at the source for, in NEO. We don’t have the evidence to know Neku is this way through any natural, watsonian means. We only have the doylist side, the things we can see. We can only feel the author’s hand, and it pushes us towards trying to write Neku’s actual character ourselves. Do the work to make it make sense ourselves. If you’re still around, that’s what you’re doing.

Because no one understands NEO. This extends beyond Neku, but it’s really severe with him because sometimes when you see a characterization mishap like this you can at least interrogate the story for what good it did. If you do that for Neku in NEO there’s not much to come back with. What’s one of the themes of NEO? Oh, like being proactive, and self determination, and thinking for yourself and that stuff right? Then surely it makes sense for our beloved previous protagonist who we dragged back into this story to return to a life he actually had no active part in building for years. He’s been written for NEO’s convenience, not NEO’s good.

Maybe the worst part is that even when acknowledging that we can only put bandaids onto this situation, none of them can really be satisfying. Sure, I can try to make this cohere with Neku’s existing character arc, but the answers that make the most sense are always going to be the ones that suck. You take what we have for Neku and all you get for working with it is like. Fret’s arc about bein real? Minus the narrative resolution, minus the foundations in the narrative for resolution, plus more narrative baggage. Or a story where Neku feels more at home in the UG than the RG. Or a story about coping with the nitty gritty unreality of reality rewriting, or imposter syndrome, or trying to make up for a time in your youth you can never really get back.

I’m rambling at this point but it makes it really painful to look back at where og TWEWY left off, doesn’t it? Enough that i lost count of how many times i thought about writing a post like this. It’s the kind of thing that’ll bum you out no matter how interestingly you spin it.

#twewy #ntwewy #ntwewy spoilers #neo the world ends with you #the world ends with you #neku sakuraba #Subarashiki Kono Sekai #subaseka #scabby.txt

[polyamzeal]

Soul Eater NOT - Anime Review via Polyamorous Lens

Anytime I see the question asked about what anime has polyamory themes the first anime that always comes up is Soul Eater NOT. Now I had seen the series before I became polyamorous so I didn’t think of it much in that contexts. So I have been wanting to rewatch it to now evaluate it as polyamorous representation. A quick aside on my history with Soul Eater. I actually started the manga of Soul Eater before the anime was ever announced. I was hyped for the anime until I watched the first episode of the anime and realized I didn’t really need to watch it since I already read the manga and knew what would happen. This was my first exposure to reading the manga first before an anime. I stopped reading the Soul Eater manga I think like 3 quarters of the way through because I got bored of it, I always said I should go back to finish it. Even cosplayed Chrona once! For some reason when I saw Soul Eater NOT my interest was piqued and I watched the whole thing. I might have read a tiny bit of the manga too but I don’t remember. Normally I wouldn’t give this much personal background but since the series is a spinoff connected to another story I wanted to be upfront that I actually never really watched the original, just read most of it, so that my biases going into this rewatch are clear.

How is Soul Eater NOT in polyamory representation? Pretty good actually! We have a main character, Tsugumi,that is forced to choose a partner for her “career” but of course there are romantic implications to that partner as well. She is torn between 2 people. Interestingly enough there are a few characters in the main series that do have 2 partners minus the romantic subtext. But the career roles are reversed and there is no precedent for someone in her position to have 2 partners. So she faces a lot of external and internal pressure to choose only 1 to be her partner and reject the other.

By the end of the series she decides to disregard the rules and accept both of them as her partners. All 3 of them are even able to achieve “Soul Resonance” together which basically magically proves that all 3 of them can do together what was previously thought to only be capable by monogamous pairs (with those few dual-weapon miesters being an exception). One particularly nice touch I liked is how she adds that maybe this triad won’t last forever and one day they will need to split. Too many love stories assume a happy-ever-after foreverness to their finale and I actually find that to be toxic. I like that it is acknowledged that someday they might need to split but that doesn’t invalidate that today they are committed to each other.

So should every polyamorous person go watch Soul Eater NOT right now? Sadly not. While the final episode is a triumphant victory for polyamory, it is surprisingly mostly a background detail the rest of the series. When the show wants to amp the drama they bring up the pressure of only having to choose one partner. Most of the series is a chill slice-of-life plot where nothing really related to their relationships come up. Most of the episodes are actually focused on the relationships of other characters. There is subtle character building and development that happens which is a stretch of a way to develop the relationship between the 3 main characters but it is overall fairly thin for half the series. And of course if someone hasn’t seen original Soul Eater they might not be too confused but it definitely helps to have some background on the setting and those characters.

If cutesy slice-of-life stories with a supernatural fantasy twist are your think then yes I highly recommend Soul Eater NOT. But if you just want the dopamine hit of good polyamory representation then this might be too much of a slowburn for you without enough other substance to make the pay-off worth it. Despite all that, I do think it is very fair that this is one of the most polyamory-associated anime there is.

Please let me know your thoughts on Soul Eater NOT and suggest other anime to review via a polyamory lens. As you see below I have now branched out and created a Youtube channel for the PolyamZeal brand so that means more exciting projects in the future!

#Soul Eater NOT #Anime Review Via Polyamorous Lens #Polyamory #Anime Review #PolyamZeal

[homunculusalphonse]

You know, I've compared Connie to Sadie (and Sapphire) before, but I just now realized how similar she also is to Lars.

[IDs: From left to right, Connie and Lars crying, talking about their loneliness. /End IDs]

Connie and Lars start out as lonely characters. Neither of them have friends besides Steven and Sadie respectively. Connie, however, is a lot more introverted, while Lars does his best to socialize with the Cool Kids, yet pretending to be someone he isn't. Even then, both of them really care about outside opinions, hence why Connie, for instance, doesn't like dancing in front of other people, and Lars for most of the show hides his baking - which is not because of skill, but because of what it represents to him.

And then you have their roles in Steven's life. Connie thinks Steven's "magical destiny" is amazing, while Lars doesn't think much of it. But regardless of their feelings, they become more and more involved with it, to the point of their lives being at risk multiple times. Connie is more prepared to fight back while Lars spends most of the time running away from conflict. Though what I think solidifies their similarities is their big moments alongside Steven on Homeworld.

Besides being stuck in a prison to starve (even if she's very familiar with being grounded, obviously that is still messed up), Connie has to fight the mindless bodies of the Crystal Gems, and she's forced to watch White Diamond remove Steven's gem out of his body without being able to do anything. Connie is the only one who can help Steven reach out to his gem self. And as far as we're concerned, Connie is also the only one who knows about all this, since the gems don't have any memories of it, and Bismuth, Peridot and Lapis only arrive when everything is already solved. It's likely that Steven never told them, and I don't think Connie has, either. Unfortunately, on screen, we never see how much her experiences affected her. Connie is even younger than Steven and she also went through a lot. Not to mention she's basically the only one who stands up for Steven in Future, being the voice of reason while the gems could only pity themselves.

Similarly, Lars is also helpless during The Trial, unable to even hear anything given his head was inside a bubble. Lars had even less context of Homeworld here, while Connie had more experience. Still, like her, he also had to throw himself in danger to protect Steven and the Off Colors, who were all going to be killed for merely existing. While yes, that's a big character development for Lars, and I'm proud of him for sticking up for people he barely knew, it's also tragic that a human teenager with no powers and fighting skills ended up saving everyone, at the cost of his own life. He also becomes the mature voice of reason for standing up for Steven and letting him go back home without him for Steven's safety. Hell, Lars was willing to end up alone in the Kindergarten so everyone else could go to Earth.

Lars says, "You brought me back to life! Just let me be somebody who deserved it". I can't help but remember Connie internalizing she should prioritize Steven's life over hers in Sworn to the Sword. At the very least, she's eventually taught to fight alongside him instead of sacrificing herself for him. Interestingly, like Lars becomes the captain of the Off Colors, Connie briefly becomes the leader in The New Crystal Gems. She's not patient like Steven is, but she shows herself to be organized and calculating, and she's not afraid to put the gems in their place, as we see later in Future.

If anything, I feel like Lars would get along well with Connie. Although they're insecure, they're not afraid to call something or someone out when they have to (Connie snaps at Steven for minimizing the danger they were in way back in Bubble Buddies, for that matter!). They also realize how unfair the gems (and Homeworld in general) are towards Steven - Lars gets to see Steven's most vulnerable side when they were kidnapped, realizing how afraid he really is underneath, so he insists that Steven needs to be safe first and foremost. Connie rightfully calls the gems out in The New Crystal Gems, and later on in I Am My Monster, because no one has ever actually sticked up for Steven all these years. No one has dedicated themselves for him the same way he does for everyone.

Basically, Lars would be a great ally to Connie, especially when it comes to Steven. Again, I always felt it was unfair that a young girl was the only one who snapped the gems out of their pity party. I know she already had Greg as a human ally in the middle of the gem stuff, but she could definitely get some use of Lars' no-nonsense attitude, too. She could confide in him with her fears and trauma, knowing she's not entirely alone.

In short: Connie and Lars are Steven's best friends. You can't convince me otherwise. /half-joking

#captain's log #steven universe #meta #su meta #connie maheswaran #lars barriga #i rarely see ppl talking about their potential friendship #and that makes me sad

[tacanderson]

The Japanese Book, American Movie Connection

It's hard to find many Japanese books translated into English that aren't manga. Nothing against manga, I just wish more novels made their way over here. If you're interested, here's two books worth your time and one that's not Japanese, but you'll see why I included it here.

Bullet Train

Have you seen the movie Bullet Train yet? Great movie. Brad Pitt does an excellent job playing the unlucky (but really lucky), bumbling criminal. (Fun fact: the director, David Leitch (John Wick, Deadpool 2, Atomic Blond) was Brad Pitt's stunt double before he became a director.) When I saw the trailer I looked up the movie and saw that it was an adaptation of a Japanese book. So before I talk more about Bullet Train, I need to talk about a book I first read in 2014 and then re-read this year (yeah, I know, for someone who said he never rereads books, I sure reread a lot this year).

All You Need Is Kill

In 2014 the movie Edge of Tomorrow came out. Interestingly, the DVD release would change the title to Live Die Repeat: Edge of Tomorrow. As in most cases, the book usually gets it right and they should have stuck with the original book title, All You Need Is Kill. What a great name. But I can see why they wouldn't think it would work well as a major motion picture movie title.

So, in 2014 Edge of Tomorrow was released and some neighbors came back from seeing the movie (opening weekend, I think) with the above pictured book. Knowing I was interested in seeing the movie and that I was a sci-fi fan, they gave me the book. At first I thought it was one of those movie novelizations, but quickly realized it was the actually the book the movie was based on. First off, how awesome is that?

If I had one Christmas wish it would be that every time a movie was made from a book, the studio would give out free copies of the book with every opening weekend ticket. I can tell you I'd see a lot more movies in the theater if they did that.

So, I read the book and instantly fell in love with it. I went and saw the move and loved it as well. While the movie was different, I felt like they did a good job sticking to the spirit of the book. I wish the movie would have ended about 10 minutes earlier, without the Hollywood ending, so it would have been closer to the book ending, but that's okay. I get it.

So, back to Bullet Train. I had plans with some friends to go see the movie and I quickly read the book before we went. The book was great, but there was one character, The Prince, that really bothered me. He's this psychotic tween who manipulates everyone in the book. That's not actually what bothers me. What I didn't like was he'd have these long internal and external monologues about morality and how he was so much superior to everyone, and blah, blah, blah. Way too much ink was spent on these thoughts of his.

The movie didn't have this and The Prince, gender swapped and played by Joey King, wasn't nearly as annoying. And this is one of these rare instances where I'm going to say that the movie was better than the book. I still enjoyed the book, but the move was way more fun.

But this leads me to my third book.

Shibumi

When we first meet The Prince, she is reading a book called Shibumi. I hadn't heard of this book, but the cover reminded me of the cover to Shogun, which I remember my dad reading when I was a kid. I quickly jotted down the name of the book and looked it up later.

Shibumi may be my favorite new book I read this year. It was definitely the most unexpected. The author of Shibumi simply goes by the name Trevanian. As it says on the cover of my book, Trevanian was the only writer of airport paperbacks to be compared to Zola, Ian Fleming, Poe, and Chaucer.

Upon researching the book and the author, I was very surprised to learn that Shibumi was a best selling book when it was released in 1979 and between 1972 and 1983 Trevanian had five books all sell over a million copies each. Having been born in 1972, its no surprise I hadn't heard of him, but given how good the book is, and how much praise the author gets I'm surprised I hadn't heard of him until now. But I think that's all going to change. I think we're about to have a small Trevanian resurgence.

The book is being adapted into a movie. The screenplay is being adapted by Matthew Orton, who wrote episode one of Moon Knight, and it's being directed by Chad Stahelski, who has directed all three John Wick movies, as well as the upcoming fourth one. But this isn't his first movie adaptation, he also write The Eiger Sanction in 1972, which was adapted into film in 1975 starring and directed by Clint Eastwood.

Through all the success Trevanian had no one ever knew his actual name. It was a lot easier to keep your identity hidden before the internet came along. Trevanian's real name is Rodney William Whitaker. What's even more fascinating to me is that Whitaker didn't stick to one genre, even with his pen name, Travanian, he published under several different genres.

But here's the thing that impressed me. Shibumi is satire. It's such a subtle satire that it frustrated the author because most people didn't get it. I have to admit when I first started reading it I thought, "wow, this is over the top 1970's macho spy stuff." Then after a few more pages, I thought, "that can't be right, this is too well written." The text isn't subtle, but the satire is. If you want a good laugh, read the hundreds of one-star reviews on Goodreads and you'll see just how much people miss the mark on this book.

#tacs 2022 books #tacs 2022 #goodreads challenge #edge of tomorrow #all you need is kill #bullet train #the book was better #the movie was better #shibumi #trevanian #book review

[ailinu]

Spoilers for The Lost Metal follow.

I think this is the first time that I’ve been genuinely just bored by Sanderson’s storytelling.

Like, look, I don’t come here for the prose, you know? Sanderson’s prose is pretty much functional at best, but there’s usually interesting enough plot/setting/character moments to make up for it. This seems to lean more heavily on appearances by characters from Mistborn era 1 or from elsewhere in the Cosmere, and while sure, yeah, it’s cool to see them, they’re set dressing on a base plot that is just kind of done.

You know what? Society has progressed beyond the need for bomb plots. No one does anything interesting with the story beats, which are so heavily ingrained that I genuinely spent the whole book waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sanderson usually is reliable for a late-game moment where perspective shifts and the curtain pulls back to reveal something bigger or unexpected, and that moment simply never materialized here. 

There’s also the matter of Wayne’s death, which was telegraphed so far in advance and so clearly throughout the book that I was locked in internal debate over whether it was a red herring. This didn’t even really have the feeling of having picked up on foreshadowing. It was just there. I could tell that I was expected to feel something about it. I did not.

I’ll admit, I wanted the inter-character relationships to be more than they were. Telsin as a villain would mean more if we had seen more of her, seen her proceed down this path---instead, Wax’s realization that he sees nothing familial in her feels as though it’s meant to mean more to us but doesn’t have the buildup. (To be fair, this isn’t entirely new---to jump over to Stormlight Archive for a second, we’re told that Kaladin and Moash have shared all these close moments and conversations prior to the events of Words of Radiance, but because we’re never really shown them, it doesn’t stick the way it’s probably meant to.)

To be fair and upfront, I didn’t particularly care for most of Era 2. Wax has been done before, and the character isn’t saying anything new or saying the old stuff interestingly. Wayne is all the worst parts of Sanderson’s Mat Cauthon and none of the charm of Robert Jordan’s. Marasi... is. (I have further thoughts particularly involving the Bands of Mourning but let’s not get into them here.) Steris, to be fair, has never done anything wrong in her entire life, but she can’t carry this series alone.

And at last, I suppose---Autonomy. It felt like there should have been more theme here, more philosophy, but there wasn’t. Maybe it’s because I read Terra Ignota over the summer, but as soon as Telsin mentioned the idea that strife---violence, even---is necessary for innovation and for growth, I’ll admit I perked up. My hopes rose. Ah, I thought. Now here’s an interesting idea. I’ve encountered it recently, where it was turned over and examined in interesting ways that I had to sit down and think about, and also things briefly dipped into retelling the Illiad but with giant robots, which I am still thinking about. Hell, it dips into the idea of unforgivable sin, which could be relevant for Wayne. Given that the central plot device here is a nuke, I assume Sanderson might be taking a different perspective on things, but it could be interesting to see what he has to say.

Reader, what he might have to say never materialized.

To be fair, maybe that one’s on me. Maybe a look at the underlying tenets of the main villain of the era was too much to ask. After all, we have his comedy stylings to get to. (That might be needlessly mean; it’s just become increasingly grating to me over time.) However, while we get some amount of character arc wrapup, I think that an overarching theme for the era or as represented by the conflict with Autonomy simply didn’t appear.

And here is where we leave Era 2. Despite not being enchanted with the earlier installments, I read The Lost Metal in the hopes that it would at least be interesting storytelling, and instead have found it a lackluster conclusion to a lackluster era. May Stormlight 5 do better.

#the lost metal spoilers #tlm spoilers #don't mind me i'm just bitching #to be perfectly transparent with you #my recent reading has included the aforementioned terra ignota #which. oh boy. whatever else it's doing you're sure going to think about themes. #and the starless sea by erin morgenstern #a book with prose that i wanted to pick up and eat #so standard are high at the moment #however i think even in direct comparison to mistborn era 1 things fall a bit flat here #there's no equivalent of the earring reveal #there's no moment that hits with the same kind of gut-shock of elend getting beheaded #or the transcendence of sazed as he becomes the hero of ages #also you guys i miss vin #anyway. this blog doesn't usually devolve into book thoughts of this length so most of it's under a cut

[heavenforblog1111]

Breaking the Habit is a song by Linkin Park released on 14th June 2008 as part of the 'Meteora' album. It is among the most popular songs by the band and also regarded by many as among the best songs by Linkin Park. So, here's Breaking the Habit Song Review. Breaking the Habit Song Review, Facts and Meaning https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2H4l9RpkwM Mike Shinoda wrote the lyrics to this song. He had been trying to write something like this for about 6 years. The main theme of this song is about getting rid of bad habits. A lot of people think that Chester wrote this song since he was dealing with issues like these but Mike actually was working on it before he met Chester. This was going to be an instrumental track that was 10 minutes long. The guys convinced me to turn it into a full song. I'm proud of this song in a lot of ways. I put a lot of work into it. I just think it's really powerful. Chester's performance is one of his best. Lyrically, it's kind of just about getting away from the parts of you that you do not like. It goes into great deal about that type of situation. The things about our lyrics in general is that we spend so much time on them that there is no way I can tell you in conversation any better than the actual lyrics. If I sit here and think up something, that's an off-the-top-of-my-head summary of what those lyrics are about whereas those lyrics took five years to do. So those lyrics are the most accurate depiction of what that's about, not what I can tell you. Mike Shinoda Interestingly, Chester was hit hard by these lyrics and found it difficult to perform the song live for about a year. It is said that Mike wrote these lyrics to serve as an alert for Chester's addiction. Also, Mike was inspired by their fans response to Linkin Park in general as several fans claimed that Linkin Park had helped them overcome internal issues. The song that really got me straight to the core was 'Breaking The Habit' off of Meteora. Mike had written the song and he hands me a sheet with the lyrics on it, and I'm reading them and listening to them and it was like waterworks. I felt like he was writing about my life. That song was very hard for me to record. I get all teared-up thinking about it right now. I'd have to stop, gather myself. I'd get through two lines, start crying, leave the room, come back in. I was like, 'I can't do this. Chester Bennington The song is about dealing with any kind of habits be it dr*gs, depression etc. It is also about mental well being, overcoming anger issues and maintaining self control. Its about how a person may have gone through tough times in the past and perhaps is now dealing with post traumatic stress disorder. It is about how a person who has had bad things happen to them remain consumed by the past which causes them to feel anger and hatred towards those who have wronged them in the past. The video depicts people going through self esteem issues where they cause physical harm to themselves. Like in the lyrics its mentioned 'You all assume, I'm safe here in my room unless I try to start again'; its about how people might think that someone being alone can't cause damage but it is when they might cause damage to themselves. A lot of times people may look at themselves and wonder why these things happen to them only - referred to by the lyrics 'I don't want to be the one the battles always choose' cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused. It also refers to how the person finds it difficult to fit in the society. One may look at other people and feel that they have their stuff sorted while one might find himself confused at the same time. The music video for 'Breaking The Habit' was animated by Studio Gonzo, directed by Joe Hahn and coproduced by Eric Calderon. The anime sytlization was supervised by Kazuto Nakazawa who had directed the animated segment of Kill Bill: Volume 1. Mike spoke about the difference between

'Hybrid Theory' and 'Meteora' saying that they changed their style of music by experimenting with different instruments and sounds. This change was also carried on to their albums that they produced afterwards. One of the big differences people will notice between Hybrid Theory and Meteora is just simply the use of different instruments, different textures and moods. For example, in 'Breaking The Habit' we have live strings and piano, in 'Faint' we have live strings. You'll notice Japanese flute here and there, we'll use different samples that will basically create a new mood, create a vibe in the song. The songs still have the Linkin Park sound - they have the dynamics, the heaviness, the things that make it sound like us. But we did try to experiment with different sounds and time signatures and tempos, all these different things just to make it feel a little bit different. Mike Shinoda

[andnowanowl]

Since "Palestine Speaks: Narratives of Life Under Occupation" is suspiciously not available in the US in the form of an e-book, I purchased a physical copy and wanted to share it here for anyone else also unable to get access.

(Note: This is an interview from an ex-Zionist Israeli settler who began to realize while serving in the IDF that she was being lied to by the occupation and now attends pro-Palestinian protests.)

TALI SHAPIRO

English-Hebrew translator, 31

Born in Mevaseret Zion, Israel

Interviewed in Ramallah, West Bank

The West Bank village of Bil'in is located two miles east of the Green Line demarcation boundary and twelve miles west of Ramallah. It's well known for weekly protests against the occupation of the West Bank and the construction of the West Bank barrier wall.

Construction of the West Bank barrier began before the Second Intifada, and the proposed route of the wall crossed through the western edge of Bil'in, effectively annexing a broad swath of land that included private property and much of the village's grazing land. In 2005, people from the village began protesting every Friday afternoon against the incursion into village lands. These regular protests quickly became a focal point of the Palestinian protest movement, with hundreds showing up each week from throughout the West Bank, Israel, and the international community. Celebrities and international leaders have joined in the protests, from Richard Branson to Jimmy Carter. Human rights lawyers have taken up the cause as well, and in 2007, Israeli courts ordered that the wall be dismantled and moved closer to the Green Line, stating that there was no pressing security concern to justify the route of the wall through Bil'in. That same year, however, Israeli courts declared legal the construction of thousands of additional buildings in the Israeli settlement of Modi'in Illit that would occupy land privately held by residents of Bil'in. The territory between Bil'in and the Green Line remains strongly contested.

Tali Shapiro has been attending these protests since 2009. We meet Tali at a weekly protest amid a barrage of teargas and percussion grenades. She wears jeans and a T-shirt with a bandanna around her neck, and she passes out alcohol wipes to soothe the eyes and sinuses of people unfortunate enough to get a face full of noxious gas.

Tali agrees to meet with us later at a café in Ramallah. Ramallah is in Area A, and Tali is legally forbidden to visit as a citizen of Israel.¹ However, like many other Israelis, she seems to be able to enter the city without too much trouble from Israeli or Palestinian Authority police. In fact, when we speak to her again in 2014, Tali explains that she has relocated to Ramallah, a move she'd been planning for years.

AS A KID I WAS VERY SHELTERED

My parents were born in Israel. Their grandparents came from Poland, Russia, Ukraine, and Lithuania. I was born in 1983 in Mevaseret Zion, a suburb of Jerusalem.² I have one brother, Benjamin, who is a few years older than me. My parents worked in medicine—my father was an anesthesiologist, and my mother was a psychiatric nurse. We were in Israel for the first five years of my life, and then we moved to the States, to Seattle, for two years while my father had a residency there.

Living outside of Israel gave me perspective. Before living in the U.S., I'd never had questions about who I was or where I was from. One of the things I specifically remember in the States was the Pledge of Allegiance. Having to stand up every morning and pledge allegiance to a flag that was not my own was very suspicious to me. I'd think, Oh wait, I can't really do this, can I? But then, interestingly—and I was around seven years old at the time I began to think, If I feel strange pledging allegiance to this flag, what should I be feeling when I sing the Hatikva?³

And then after Seattle, we came back to live in a small town called Omer, outside Be'er Sheva. Omer is a really affluent town, maybe one of the three wealthiest in Israel. It was really lovely and really boring-pleasant, a lot of greenery, all the houses pretty much the same. There wasn't much to do, but it was a nice place to grow up.

As a kid, I was very sheltered. There were so many terrible things going on all around, but my parents shielded me from confronting anything difficult or complicated. For example, my mother wouldn't take me to funerals when relatives died, because she didn't even want me to see that. And my family had this history of being part of the Zionist movement. My grandparents helped start towns-they had streets named after them. So I grew up in this sheltered, patriotic world. So much in our culture was about Israel, Israeli security. During holidays, I remember teachers sending us home with little chocolates with Israeli flags sticking out of them.

And everyone loved soldiers. Everyone had been a soldier and therefore a hero—my mom, my dad, uncles, aunts, everyone. We were fed the idea in school and in the media that by the time my generation was old enough, there wouldn't be a need for everyone to do military service, that it was just a temporary problem that would be solved. That isn't something you hear anymore, but when I was growing up in the nineties, after the Oslo Accords, there was this idea that Israel wouldn't need this big military any longer.⁶

IT'S SORT OF LIKE SUMMER CAMP WITH GUNS

As a teenager, I didn't really think about military service that much. I was just a typical bored teen in a small town. And I didn't understand the politics of the situation at all. I'd hear terms like "settlers" in the media from time to time, but I think girls, especially, were shielded from knowing about those sorts of issues. I didn't really know what a "settler" was, even in high school.

At age sixteen I got my draft registration in the mail. I was confronted with the possibility for the first time that I'd probably have to be a soldier.The way the registration order works is that you start going through the process of figuring out what sort of unit you'll be in, in what capacity you'll be serving. I got a pretty sad-ass order that basically let me know I was going to be a secretary or something, while some of my friends were going to be scouts out in the wilderness or doing other assignments I viewed as interesting at the time. When I was sixteen, my school took us to Gadna camp for a week.⁷ It was part of a standardized school program, and something that most Israeli teens do—it's sort of like summer campwith guns. We stayed in tents in the desert and female IDF officers taught us how to take apart a rifle, took us to the firing range, things like that. So at sixteen I was handed this rifle on a school field trip. It was my first expe rience with a weapon. It was big, greasy, and heavy—a killing machine. But I still got into the challenge of the shooting range.

Then, right after I turned eighteen, around 2000, I enlisted. Up until then I wasn't sure if I'd have to serve or not. Only about 40 percent of the Israeli population ends up serving, even if everyone is supposed to enlist. So what happens is you're in a situation where you don't want to do it. But you feel an obligation to do it, there's social pressure to do it. It's considered very selfish within Israeli society if you refuse to serve in the army. People just look at you like, oh, you're just a big baby. You're a traitor if you don't serve.

My one month of basic training was done in the north, near Haifa. Basic training was a strange experience. It didn't seem like we were learning anything. Other than practicing at the firing range, we were just dealing with the discipline of day-to-day life, like making our beds the right way, dressing the right way, handling kitchen duty. We all slept in tents in the cold weather and ran a bit during the days. We'd get yelled at if we messed up and would have to run extra laps. I think basic was a little easier for me, because I wasn't going to be assigned to combat duty. Like I said, I was selected to be a secretary. After my month of basic training, I was transferred in September to the biggest military base in Gaza at the time, which was right on the edge of Khan Younis.⁸ I served during the Second Intifada.⁹ I remember the sounds of shots fired and explosions all through the night. We would be up all night trying to figure out if the explosions came from "us" or "them." If it was "us" then it would calm us down. In the base, rumors were a way of life. The rumors kept us scared. The most prevalent rumor that was allowed to spread in the base was that "Arabs were about to take over the base"—and this was the biggest military base in Gaza!

I remember the rumble of buildings collapsing. When a building collapses it's a huge explosion. The first time I heard the sound, there we were eight girls in a room at night, and we all woke up thinking, Are we going to die? But little did we know these were explosions that our army caused. It could be so loud, it was hard to feel like I wasn't in danger, even though I wasn't involved in combat. In fact, most enlisted female soldiers weren't allowed to carry weapons—only female officers and female field medics. I remember a commanding officer saying that female soldiers with guns were more likely to cause damage than do anything useful. That seemed like a pretty common attitude in the military.

I still didn't understand the political situation then. For instance, my understanding at the time was that some crazy people decided to jump the border out of Israel, and then the military had to send people out to protect them. It took me a few weeks to realize these were the settlers I was hearing about on the radio all the time. My thought was, Why don't we just pull back, and then the settlers will pull back too? It just all seemed weird to me, mostly.

REALITY CAME TO ME IN SMALL OBSERVATIONS

I was stationed in Gaza for one year and eight months. Most of my days were fairly routine, actually. I'd file personnel reports every morning on who was on the base, who was off the base, what they were doing. And then after doing that, I'd still have time to go eat, work out in the gym, take a nap, read. I'd see friends who were out of the base for fourteen hours and simply exhausted. Meanwhile, I was just trying to fill up my days, feeling stuck in a mundane routine.

But a few moments are embedded in my mind—I guess they were in the back of my head until I could deal with them. We were stationed on a hill that was overlooking the beach, and there was a dirt road where the kids would go school. So I'd see them, you know, walking hand in hand or running to catch a ride to school and I remember thinking, That's the enemy? Hmmmm, okay.

And then another moment was when I was at the border crossing, waiting for my ride home, and there was this Palestinian guy on his knees without his shirt on. He was cuffed with his hands behind his head. And there were other soldiers who were pushing him into the jeep rather roughly. I immediately assumed that he did something really bad, and this was normal procedure during an arrest. Today when I look back at this incident, I have other questions. Was he beaten, was he stripped to humiliate him? So reality came to me in small observations.

And I remember one surreal moment later in my service. An officer who I wrote reports for had a map of Khan Younis spread out on his desk. One day, he called over his deputy and asked how many houses we demolished that year. The deputy told him that we were up to 297 houses. So the officer took a black marker and made three Xs on the map. He showed his deputy the marks and said something like, "It's almost the end of the year. Let's do a few more and round it up to a nice, even 300."

Nobody ever said anything about the morality of what we were doing. I think most soldiers were really just preoccupied with how shitty life was. Because the army was like prison, with occasional leave to go home. But it's high-discipline bullshit that you're preoccupied with, wearing the uniform correctly, doing dishes, having to work from morning to night.

I JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING TO STOP THE WAR

After my military service was up at the end of 2002, I moved back home with my parents for most of 2003. I was just trying to figure out what to do with my life, how to get out of Omer. I applied to a fine arts program in Tel Aviv and was accepted, so I moved there to start school in the fall of 2003.

For the three years I was in school, I didn't think about politics much—I was just focused on my art. But in my last year, I switched from fine arts to animation, and I started a relationship with another student in my program. He was much more political than I was. He challenged everything that I had grown up believing. At home, at school, in the media, in the army, in college. Everything. We probably had a political conversation every day for the three years we were together, just naturally while watching the news on television or reading the paper. I didn't know it at the time, but I slowly started to move away from the sort of blind patriotism I'd grown up with.

During this time I was also trying to make a life in Tel Aviv. I was able to make some money selling prints of my art, and I also supported myself by doing online marketing work. I remember a documentary I saw that was made by the BBC. The larger narrative in the documentary was about activists and journalists that had been killed by the Israeli military—Rachel Corrie, Tom Hurndall, James Miller.¹⁰ At one point in the documentary, there was a story about a twelve-year-old girl who was shot in the head by an Israeli soldier while she was sitting in class during the Second Intifada. The girl went into a coma, but miraculously survived the shooting, and the documentarians were there in the hospital at the moment when she regained consciousness. They captured the moment when she opened her eyes and she realized that she'd been blinded by the shooting. I remembered what I was like at twelve, and I just couldn't separate myself from her. Then a little later in the documentary, the filmmakers interviewed the commanding officer of the unit responsible for shooting the girl, and I recognized the officer as one of my former commanders. I realized that I had served in that unit around the time the girl was shot. I didn't understand my feelings at the time, but it was the first time I had felt this emotional sense of responsibility in some way for what the state of Israel was doing.

I broke up with my partner in 2008. Then late in 2008, Cast Lead came.¹¹ When the media started reporting that it was likely that Israel would invade Gaza, I started having a panic attack. I felt like a caged animal. I just knew a lot of people were about to die. And then when the invasion happened, and I watched it all unfold on the news, I felt I was going crazy. I just wanted to do something to stop the killing. I suddenly found I couldn't do my art any more. It just didn't seem important. I joined a protest march against Cast Lead in Tel Aviv, but it didn't feel like I was doing enough.

A few weeks after Cast Lead began, my ex called me up and he said, "Hey, you want to go to Bil'in?"¹² By that time I had already seen the protests from the village on YouTube, and I said, "I'm scared shitless, but hell yeah." The one thing that was on my mind was that I wanted to meet the people in those protests.

So I started coming to the West Bank in 2009. We used to meet at Levinsky Park in Tel Aviv to ride to the protests. Just going to the park and starting to talk to the other activists there, I knew I was where I belonged. We went to Bil'in every Friday—that's when the protests against the wall took place. There was a lot of tension in the West Bank at the time because of the operation in Gaza. Soldiers were tighter on the trigger. But what I remember first about the protests in Bil'in is just what a festive atmosphere it was. There was dancing, joking. It felt like a celebration of resistance, of continued existence. The protest I'd gone to in Tel Aviv was solemn, serious, like a funeral. It was respectful, but I much preferred the celebration of life in Bil'in as a form of resistance.

In Bil'in, the protests at the wall were intense. Teargas, rubber bullets. Of course I knew something about what was going to happen. I'd seen videos of the weekly protests, and I'd been carefully briefed about the dangers by other protesters. But being there in person, I felt SO vulnerable. Probably the most important thing for me about those first few trips to Bil'in were just meeting Palestinians, talking to them. Their situation went straight to my heart.

I'VE BEEN ARRESTED PROBABLY TWENTY TIMES

I've been to the weekly protests throughout the West Bank over 250 times now. I go just about every week, unless there's a family wedding of it, or other big event I have to be part of. Before activism, I felt I just had a complete estrangement from the world. And now I feel deeply part of it, as complex as it is. So now at least I have some kind of context to who I am and where I belong.

Getting to Bil'in was never much of a problem. We'd often go by car, and since we're not Arabs we'd just pass through the checkpoints back to '48, like any settler coming from the West Bank could.¹⁴ Only three or four times over the last five years have any soldiers at checkpoints going into '48 boarded the bus and checked everyone's IDs. Lucky for me, I have two passports—my Israeli passport, and also a European one. I have Polish citizenship, passed down from my grandfather, and if I need to I show the European passport to checkpoint guards to help me get into areas restricted to Israelis.

When we get to Bil'in, we start by congregating in the center of the village. Then we start marching toward the wall. Usually, we don't have the chance to start demonstrating at the wall, because the army will start dispersing us even before chanting begins. And the dispersal is brutal. Most commonly, it's through teargas. It's a terrible experience, the choking, the sore eyes, the whole thing. It's an extreme physical experience. I think after four, five, six times, you kind of become emotionally desensitized—you're prepared to get gassed. But physically, you never get used to it.

I've been arrested probably twenty times. The soldiers treat me differently, because I'm female, because I'm small, because I seem feminine. I use these things to my own ends—I'm kind of reaping the rewards of machismo. As a woman, I feel I should shield the men, because many times they get treated very brutally, and if I'm there, then it de-escalates the situation. Sometimes I can keep men from being arrested—not just Palestinians, but also Israeli and international men as well. My presence helps ease tensions sometimes.

I've seen some terrible things, though. Beatings happen often. And sometimes people are hit by teargas canisters. That's one of the ways people are killed during protests. A friend named Iyad was hit in the face by a canister once. He wasn't even that close to where it was fired, but it crushed his face. I didn't see it happen, but I saw him getting dragged to an ambulance. His face was bloody—I couldn't even recognize him, other than his clothes. He survived, but he has a big Y-shaped dent in his forehead now, and he has issues with memory loss.

I remember another friend, a young Israeli guy, who was struck in the knee with a canister, and his kneecap was broken. It hurt him a lot—he was writhing in pain when he was struck, but we decided not to take him to an ambulance, because he didn't want to get arrested. After the protest, he basically grew a second knee while we were driving home—it was that swollen. We ended up calling his mother and meeting in the parking lot of an IKEA. She had no idea he was at the protest and would have been very much against it. She was calm about it, but I think quite worried, and after he was treated at the hospital, she gave him a lot of shit about being part of that kind of protest.

A lot of Israeli protesters have trouble with their parents. In my twenties I told them I was bisexual, and that was easier than telling them that I was a leftist, or later that I was dating an Arab man. My parents are definitely not supportive of my politics, but they support me, so I can say both sides are making courageous strides at achieving peace. We all make an effort. And I've never been injured or spent any real time in jail, so they haven't had to face that sort of thing yet.

Even though I go to weekly protests, I don't necessarily think protests are the most effective action. I think boycotts are a lot more useful in terms of of leverage on the Israeli government.¹⁵ But it's important for me to meet people face to face and understand what's going on in the West Bank and make friends. And I think it's good for forming relationships of trust, based on an agreement that Palestinian rights are being infringed upon.

I FEEL MORE LIKE I CAN BE MYSELF IN RAMALLAH THAN IN TEL AVIV

For years I planned to move to Ramallah. Then I finally did it at the start of 2014. I had a lot of reasons for making the move. For one, my partner is here. And I'm closer now to the protests. I'm learning Arabic, and living in Ramallah really helps me pick it up quickly.

I still go back to Israel every couple weeks, to visit friends in Tel Aviv or to see my family in Omer, because there's no way they're coming to visit me here. My brother has a new baby, and everything else pales in comparison to how important it is for me to be in her life as she grows up. I'll always get a little nervous at checkpoints, because I have a "security record," but I never have any real problems. And I haven't had any issues in Ramallah because of my Israeli citizenship. I don't go around telling everyone I'm Israeli, but I don't try to hide it either. For the most part, I feel like my life here is completely normal. I go shopping in the market, I'm comfortable in the streets. There are moments here when I'll meet someone new, maybe with a group of friends, and I'll talk to them for a while and they'll think I'm nice. Then I tell them I'm Israeli, and they sort of have to recalibrate a little. But I still feel comfortable here. It's a little ironic because I'm hiding my identity a bit in Ramallah, but I feel more like I can be myself here than I can in Tel Aviv.

---

Footnotes

¹ Area A territories are administered and policed by the Palestinian Authority.

² Mevaseret Zion is a city of 25,000 located six miles west of Jerusalem.

³ The Hatikva is the Israeli national anthem.

⁴ Omer is a suburb of over 7,000 northeast of Be'er Sheva. Be'er Sheva is a city of over 200,000 south of Jerusalem.

⁵ Military service starting at age eighteen is compulsory for most Israeli citizens.

⁶ The Oslo Accords marked the end of the First Intifada and established a tentative plan for Palestinian governance of the West Bank and Gaza.

⁷ Gadna is short for Gdudei No'ar, or "youth battalions." The Gadna tradition dates back to before the formation of Israel as a state. (Blogger's Note: The first thing that popped into my head was Hitler Youth and the Junior ROTC in America when I learned the occupation trains child soldiers.)

⁸ Khan Younis is a city of over 250,000 residents in southern Gaza. It's the second largest city in the Gaza Strip behind Gaza City.

⁹ The Second Intifada was also known as the Al-Aqsa Intifada. It was the first major conflict between Israel and Palestine following the Oslo accords, and it lasted from 2000 to 2005.

¹⁰ Rachel Corrie was an American pro-Palestinian activist who was killed by the Israeli military in Rafah in 2003 during the Second Intifada. She was crushed to death by a bulldozer while trying to defend a Palestinian man's home from demolition. Tom Hurndall was a British photography student who was shot by an Israeli sniper in Rafah in 2003 (after a nine month coma he died in 2004). James Miller was a British filmmaker who was shot and killed by Israeli military in Rafah in 2003. The story of the three deaths is investigated in the BBC documentary When Killing is Easy (2003).

¹¹ Operation Cast Lead was a military invasion of Gaza from December 2008 to January 2009 in what Israel claims was a response to rocket fire into Israel and the militarization of Hamas. Approximately 1,400 Palestinians were killed during the invasion.

¹² Bil'in is a village of around 1,800 people located thirty miles east of Tel Aviv.

¹³ Levinsky Park is located in south Tel Aviv. The surrounding neighborhood is home to many North African immigrant communities.

¹⁴ Palestinian activists often refer to the state of Israel as "48" as a way to protest the borders claimed by Israel after its declared statehood and subsequent military occupations.

¹⁵ The Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions movement (BDS) is an international campaign to apply political and economic pressure on Israel to end the military occupation of the West Bank and Gaza.

---

When I looked up Tali Shapiro, the first result was a different Tali Shapiro from the 60s who was targeted as a child by Rodney Alcala, the Dating Game Killer. 😅

#palestine speaks #book exerpt #zionism #ngl her upbringing is eerily similar to mine #only my family humps the leg of the us military #if you're white you get the privilege of growing up sheltered #part 14 of 16

[eckerdmontpellier]

Hospitality en France

After arriving back in the states at the end of our program, I immediately noticed the shift in personalities and welcoming attitudes around American English speakers versus the last 3 and half weeks around French speaking individuals. To be completely honest, it was relieving to be able to communicate and smile at people that understood what I was saying. I didn’t realize how used to the French manners I was until I was around Americans again.

When I arrived in France, specifically in the Paris airport, there was a noticeable change in the way people conducted themselves walking around somewhere busy or crowded. In the states, at least in Florida and Maryland (and the majority of all other states I’ve visited), peoples’ manners are polite: excuse me, sorry, thank you, please, etc. It was clear upon arrival in France that these customs were not the same.

I’m not sure why I equated south of France vibes with southern American states vibes mentally, but I honestly figured it would be a lot like living in coastal Florida in some ways! This whole trip was a fantastic culture shock for me… There are so many similarities and American influences in the parts of France we visited, but also so many vast differences culturally, politically, economically, and physically (as we’ve all noticed). I was not prepared for the lack of greetings on the street! A lot of my interactions with strangers out and about would be negative and with gross men (once again, a shared experience with female identifying and presenting people on the trip). I agree with the preliminary warning before this trip: nothing would prepare for the amount of street harassment; but also, nothing would prepare me for the fear that I would have just walking around the streets as a woman because most of the people around me didn’t seem friendly or as if they wanted to help if I was caught in a dangerous situation. Not saying that it’s a fact no one would help me- because that was absolutely not the case- but these attitudes made me a lot more cautious of my surroundings and the amount of people around. The professors talked a little about the attitudes of the north of France versus the south, and supposedly, French southerners have a sort of “come and go” attitude with most people. This made sense in an international city like Montpellier: Professor Bastin described the people as reserved because they knew any “friend” they made probably wouldn’t stay long.

Interestingly enough, my interactions with English speakers in France were mostly very pleasant. One of the most pleasant interactions I had was with a couple named Lily and Edgar that we met at a tram station late at night. There was a large group of men loitering around the tram station when Hannah and I were trying to get home one night. Two people who looked to be our age were sitting on seats at the station and we decided to stand next to them to appear like we were in a group. Still navigating the tram systems, and always terrified of the men at night, I told Hannah that I wanted to try to see if they spoke English so we could stay close to them if they were taking the same tram, and Lily absolutely did speak fantastic English! She was so kind to us and helped us get home safely since we were taking the same tram and getting off at the same spot. I think if I spoke a lot better French, people would definitely help me out if I needed it, but it was really comforting meeting a few English speakers who really didn’t mind the fact that I was American and was lost.

Hannah and I had helpful but a little weird experiences interacting with retail workers, specifically in the mall. Right off the bat walking around the city, we noticed how often we got body slammed or shoulder checked by others even when there was plenty of space to go around us. This was the same in retail stores. Standing in line, people would basically be breathing down your neck or step on your feet and wouldn’t say a word! When we would check out and the workers would ask us questions we did our best to figure it out in French, but sometimes we’d have to let them know we didn’t understand and spoke English. At first it seemed they were annoyed to have to speak English, but after a few of these interactions we realized many of them were embarrassed or nervous to speak it because they kept saying “my English is really bad.” Interestingly, our tram friend Lily said the same thing to us even though she was basically fluent. She told us how her English teachers have always told her that she's really bad at speaking and we were shocked. Perhaps this was a common experience with people learning English in the area and they were just insecure about their abilities!

Overall, my interactions with people in Montpellier were very mixed: a lot of good, but also a lot of scariness or rudeness. I’m thankful to have this new perspective on hospitality and I now understand why foreigners see Americans as extremely helpful and also at times “superficial” (Lily told us that smiling towards people you don’t know seems very fake and passive.) I’m happy to be back interacting with people here in the states, but now I’m excited to learn even more French and hopefully be able to interact with people a lot better the next time I go to France. I would really like to go to the north to see the cultural differences surrounding hospitality in the near future.

PS - the kindest hospitality I received was from all the French animals. I hope you enjoy the pics.

Geri :)

[ilballodellavitaa]

Måneskin for QX Magasin - translation

The Swedish magazine QX did an interview with Måneskin when they were in Sweden, which they’ve now posted and here it is translated into English! Also a huge shoutout to @bidet-and-legolas for checking spelling and grammar for me!

The Italian Eurovision winners Måneskin have achieved great success during the ummer. No other Eurovision winner, ever, has managed to get new hits immediately after the win of the over 60 years old music competition. ABBA didn’t become an international success until one and a half years after the win of Eurovision 1974. But the unusual thing is that it has gone “worst” for the winning song Zitti e Buoni of all their songs on the top lists. Instead the single Beggin’ from 2017 (!) and I Wanna Be Your Slave, which was released this spring, have been topping the lists all over the world and have been talked about far outside of the classic competition’s borders. Måneskin, who most of us know about at this point, got their name after the Danish word moonshine which came from the bassist Victoria De Angelis with a Danish background. The band had their breakthrough in the Italian X-Factor 2017 and have had success in Italy until they won the San Remo festival earlier this year and thus got the opportunity to represent Italy in Eurovision. They entered as favorites, and took the victory with a lot of support from Europe’s tv-voters.

- We never thought we would win. But when we saw how many points the people gave us we had hope, says Victoria De Angelis.

They are late to their interview in the Upper House suite in Gothia Towers in Gotherburg when Victoria, singer Damiano David, guitarist Thomas Raggi and drummer Ethan Torchio come out from a nearby room styled in black and white. It is Victoria who with her hoarse voice starts talking with the help of Damiano; the other two are listening interestingly, but mostly nod in agreement.

At this moment Beggin', a cover from X-Factor which came out in 2017, is number one on Spotify's global top list. Isn't it weird to have a hit with such an old song?

- Yes, very weird. It is not really typical for how we sound today either. Our sound has developed, Damiano David explains and Victoria continues:

- As soon as the European tour is over we will go back to the studio again and continue writing. We have a few songs but we feel that it's important to find new material. We like to do a lot of songs, so we can pick the favorites later.

At the beginning of the summer the band was on the cover of the Italian Vanity Fair's pride edition, a statement that was very important for the band.

- It was important for us, especially in Italy which is a very closed-minded country when it comes to LGBTQ+ people. They have a conservative way of thinking and many people are against being gay. It is crazy, and it shouldn't be like that. We have a huge audience so we try to spread a positive message. Hopefully people who look up to us can find the courage when we say that everyone should be able to be whoever they want. It has been a taboo subject in the past, but we think it is important to spread that everyone should be able to be who they want and love who they want.

When I ask what it means when Damiano David is mentioned as a "LGBTQ-advocate" on his Wikipedia he blushes and explains:

- We try to not call ourselves that. Because those are such huge words. We do our best, and only because we talk about it we can't call ourselves that. But if we have knowledge on a subject we try to talk about it.

Victoria continues:

- I read an article yesterdy about an 12-year-old boy who likes us and wears makeup to school. He was beaten because of that, it was so sad to hear. When something like that happens we want to spread a message about feelig free to be whoever you want and not let idiots push you down. You are the one who is right and they are wrong.

In an earlier interview it was reported that Thomas is straight, Ethan "sexually free", Victoria bisexual and Damiano David is straight but "curious". Is that true?

- That was reported incorrectly. I am completely straight, but I'm not against anything. I think it was a missunderstading of the answer, says Damiano.

Do you think putting people in boxes acording to their sexuality is an old view of reality?

- Yes, but people are comfortable to put people in boxes. But often that isn't possible. I think there are many different boxes today. People should be more open-minded and stop putting people in boxes. You should only be curious of life and other people, tastes and passions, says Damiano and the others agree.

Victoria talks about when she realized she was attracted to girls and that she then didn't want to put a lable on herself.

- It is so stupid that people create a picture of who you are based on your sexuality. That's when stereotypes are made which some people don't recognize themselves in at all. That you are gay for example says nothing about your personality. The norms say that people are straight, but it limits so many people if they get to hear that at a young age. It takes a lot to break free from it when you figure out your own sexuality.

Måneskin are different from other rockbands with their style, when they mix looks that traditionally are viewed as masculine and feminine. Victoria often wears pants, the boys wear makeup and Damiano David can sometimes be seen in skirts.

The stylist Nicoló "Nick" Cerioni is the man behind many of the looks of the band.

- We like him because he is smart and good. He understands what we want and stand for with our clothes. When he wants to experiment we often say yes, says Damiano David and continues:

- Tonight I will maybe wear a skirt, but I don't feel like that's feminine. It is my skirt. Everyone should wear what they want. If I wear a crop-top, skirt, I should feel free to do so. We don't think masculine and feminine clothes exist...

- But you have to think about enough space for the cock, Victoria butts in.

Everyone laughs before Damiano continues:

- I would say so, but in a little more reserved way (laughs) "Obviosly our bodies have different forms..." but, yes for boobs and cock.

Have you always been experimental with your style?

- Yes as a 6-7-year-old I was very "boyish" in the way I dressed, and I had short hair. I thought girl clothes stopped me and prevented me from having fun. Luckily I had the strength to not care about what others said about me, says Victoria.

Thomas, who has been mostly quiet and listening adds:

- Be yourself and experiment with whatever it is, music, style...

Do you notice that the fans are looking up to you?

- They are writing that they are thankful. That thanks to us they dare to take the step to dye their hair, wear jewelry or wear makeup. We are so greatful, because that means they have understood us. To give the strength to others is one of the most beautiful things in this job, says Damiano David and the others agree.

What does the rock stage look like in Italy?

We ARE the rock stage (laughs). There are many older bands, and there are almost no young ones. We hope our fans can form their own band and strengthen the stage.

Do you have a dream collab?

- Rihanna. Miley Cyrus. Harry Styles. But maybe they are a bit too big?

Not really though? If you as an Eurovision winner reaches number one on the global Spotify chart nothing is impossible.

#damiano david #victoria de angelis #thomas raggi #ethan torchio #måneskin #maneskin

[zhuhongs]

Ever since I watched Your Name Engraved Herein two weeks ago, I have wanted to talk about Jiahan as whole but in particular this scene right here that starts around the 40 minute mark. 

CW’s: discussion of religion, internalized homophobia, violent homophobia, choking, and lack of consent. Generally, the same cws as in the movie. 

Read more bc it’s uh.. 2.7k

all images are described in alt text

As soon as I watched this scene I just knew it had to be really significant and now rewatching YNEH, I realize that this is a major ideological turning point for Jiahan as a character. From this point on he slowly begins to accept that he’s gay and starts to consciously act on his feelings for Birdy. However, I must first add some context and insights on Jiahan’s prior behavior before I dive into this scene as a whole. At the beginning of the movie, we see that while Jiahan feels different from the rest of his roomates, he still sneaks out with them when they go hook up with girls, despite not showing any interest in the girl he’s with. He feels very different from the rest of his friends, but still goes along with them due to peer pressure. Later, he tries to dissuade them from violently hazing the gay student, Xie Zhenhong, (his name is never said in the film but it says so on his uniform shirt, and that what I’ll refer to him as for the rest of the post) but is reluctantly influenced to gang up on the student as well. He closes his eyes while he’s about to strike the bat down on the student, until Birdy rescues the student-- and Jiahan in a way-- from what is about to play out. After this, his friends accuse him of being in the same stall as Birdy (which he was) but he denies it, not wanting to explain why he was there and the ensuing taunting from his friends.

 While its obvious that Jiahan has feelings for Birdy, he isn’t confident enough to pursue them outright. Birdy is the more confident one in both their friendship and in his sexuality, not caring about how anyone perceives him and does what he wants regardless of the consequences. Jiahan is the one worried about societal stigma and goes along with things he doesn’t want to do. However after this encounter with the gay underclassman pictured above, Jiahan become more brave and honest about his feelings towards Birdy. Interestingly enough in the scene directly after this, Birdy begins to conceal his true feelings for Jiahan and pursue a straight relationship with Banban. He doesn’t do this hurt Jiahan, as he does reciprocate Jiahan’s feelings, but to discourage him from coming out and becoming a social pariah for being gay. Birdy himself doesn’t mind being an outcast, but he does not want to see the same thing happen to the one he loves. So instead of letting Jiahan do that, he tries to discourage Jiahan from ever pursuing him by getting a girlfriend and suggest Jiahan does the same. In the same day, both Jiahan and Birdy come to opposite realizations about their feelings for the other, thereby changing their dynamic for the course of the movie. Someone else has picked apart Birdy’s scene in their own post. If you haven’t read that analysis, please go read it, because its really good at explaining Birdy’s character since most of his story isn’t directly revealed to us. We must read inbetween the lines and piece it together, which can be confusing on a first watch.

Anyways, now we can focus on Jiahan. At this point in the movie, Jiahan is trying to understand why he’s upset that Birdy is showing interest in a girl in their band while dealing with his own internalized homophobia and denial over his sexuality. He then turns to the only out gay person he knows -- Xie Zhenhong, who he sees in the cafeteria with new bruises on his face. He looks at Jiahan with a smile. This makes me feel like Zhenhong probably picked up on Jiahan and Birdy’s feelings for each other since last year, when he saw them exit the same stall in the bathroom. Having been the Distinguished Out Person in a group before, I can definitely relate to the way Zhenhong reacts to Jiahan. It the typical “oh honey, you don’t realize it yet, but I know you’re gay” reaction. 

 Jiahan waits outside the cafeteria and calls out to out him from behind. At first Zhenhong ignores him as we can see that he smirks a bit when he first speaks. He definitely heard Jiahan but doesn’t answer him until he repeats himself a few times. Zhenhong purposely stops when the two are in front of the stained glass window, away from others. Jiahan’s word choice towards Zhenhong is also interesting as he addresses him as “學弟” which is a term for an underclassman. To my understanding, it’s not overly formal nor is it overly familiar, however it is the nicest way that anyone has addressed him all movie. Jiahan than asks him who gave him those bruises, showing concern for his well being. He then reveals why he stopped Zhenhong saying “Actually I want to ask you, when did you start liking boys?” This really seals the deal to Zhenhong that Jiahan is talking to him to try and sort out his own feelings towards Birdy. While his suggestion that Zhenhong perhaps “see a doctor” or “consider getting a girlfriend” read as a microaggression to most viewers, Zhenhong himself can tell that Jiahan is asking him this in good faith. And perhaps, this might be the most understanding anyone has been towards him since Birdy helped him out prior. Before he responds, he looks up at Jiahan and fixes his bangs. This all stumps Jiahan whose eyes dart around, speechless. Zhenhong then circles his arms around Jiahan’s neck, a very intimate gesture, and studies him for a moment. We cannot see Jiahan’s face at this moment but he does shuffle slightly, his body language nervous and confused, but not upset. After looking at him, Zhenhong then goes in closer, assumedly to kiss him. At this point, Jiahan physically stops him and grabs him by the throat. However, Jiahan’s face doesn’t seem to be angry, if anything, his face looks more scared and confused-- akin to a ‘what are you doing?’ moment.

Initially Zhenhong’s choice to kiss Jiahan read very...strangely to me. Why would the screenwriter, as a gay man that grew up in the 80’s, choose to include this? What was there to gain? To me it seemed like it was reinforcing the stereotype of gay men being overly flirtacious and viewed as predators. Why show a nonconsentual attempted kiss at all? I thought about it a lot, both for this scene and the following one with the old man and later between Jiahan and Birdy because it seemed?? Odd to me?? Isn’t that a disservice in representing gay men? I don’t fully have the right answer but I feel like by writing the scene like this, it goes to demonstrate how Jiahan still isn’t fully comfortable with being gay. And also that lgbt people, especially teens, aren’t always going to be good rep. Liu Kuang-hui wasn’t writing the movie to be an perfect, morally uplifting, santized gay narritive. He was writing something that spoke to his real life experience as a gay man in 1980’s Taiwan. In real life, people do questionable things and good narratives are supposed to make you question characters and their actions and judge for yourself whether what they did was right or wrong. The narrative isn’t looking to condemn Xie Zhenhong for doing this. Xie Zhenhong is ultimately a victim of violent homophobia, that will not hide himself or his sexuality despite the violence he faces. He isn’t perfect, nor is Jiahan, nor is Birdy, nor is anyone in the film. 

Although now having rewatched this scene upwards of eight times in writing this, it feels like Zhenhong didn’t assume this action to be without consent. Of course, no words were explicitly exchanged about kissing, and I’m not trying to make the case that it’s okay to kiss someone without their consent, that’s harassment. However, Zhenhong did gave Jiahan time to express his discomfort before proceeding. Zhenhong first got close to Jiahan by brushing his bangs, Jiahan did not say anything or look visibly uncomfortable. He then put his arms around Jiahan’s neck, and stared at him for a good ten seconds. At this point, Jiahan had time to say he was uncomfortable. As we know it, consent does indeed entail a verbal, understood yes from both parties. However given the context, I can understand why Zhenhong thought that Jiahan was consenting at that moment. However the moment Jiahan revoked his consent Zhenhong stopped trying to kiss him. Zhenhong shouldn’t have gone in without getting verbal consent, and Jiahan could’ve done something other than grabbing him by the throat. They were both in the wrong. Violence shouldn’t have been the reaction, nor should’ve kissing someone without their verbal consent. The lines were very blurred, and proper communication could’ve resulted in a better interaction but like I mentioned above, I don’t think the writers wanted to portray the scene in that way. The intent was not to say that Zhenhong’s actions were romantic or something to emulate. It was very purposeful in showing to interplay of homophobia, gay desire, and religion.

The scene is set up like a religious confession. Zhenhong purposefully leads Jiahan to the stained glass, a metaphor for his religious guilt. He doesn’t look Zhenhong in the eyes, his voice is hushed, and body language nervous, and troubled-- it communicates to Zhenhong that he thinks he may be gay and wants either reassurance that he isn’t or acceptance that is. Regardless, it’s a very vulnerable and intimate moment. Jiahan is facing him like ‘hey, I know my friends were bullying you and I wanted to save you but was too much of a coward and almost took part in harming you. I’m sorry. I know you saw that me and Birdy were in the same stall together, and that you saw me just telling him not to talk to the girls, and neither of those are heterosexual things to do. Please, help me.’ He’s asking Zhenhong to pass judgement on him, is he gay or not? By virtue of even asking that question, they both know the answer -- Jiahan is in love with Birdy, but whether Jiahan can accept that or not is up to him. In a way, Zhenhong is testing Jiahan to see how honest he can be with himself. By approaching him like that, he’s testing to see whether Jiahan can accept being intimate with a man or not. It’s not a good or ethical test, but it sure is effective. Because in his head, Jiahan is coming to realize that he doesn’t mind a man being close to him in a romantic way. Although, he isn’t fully there yet. He still grabs Zhenhong. But as Zhenhong stares at him despite the hand around his throat, Jiahan really has to think about his actions. Is that what he really wants to do, or is that what he’s been taught to do? It illustrates his internalized homophobia perfectly. Jiahan is literally staring gay desire in the face, rejecting it, while in front of his religion. Zhenhong finally answers Jiahan that “he has always loved boys since he was little, it’s never changed.” Upon hearing that his grip loosens and he pulls away. And the fact that we can hear him well means that Jiahan was never choking him, his hand was there, but not gripping. Zhenhong pulls him in closer and tilts his head, and says “and it never will.”  Zhenhong’s words are very deliberate. It’s as if he anticipated this might happen and knew exactly what to say. He wants to carve it in Jiahan’s brain that no one chooses to be gay. They always are and no amount of denial, like the kind Jiahan is showing, will change that. He then finally lets go of Jiahan, who is speechless, he thanks him, and leaves. Jiahan, however, stays there for a second, processing everything that has happened, and breathes heavily before the scene cuts to later that day.

Finally, I would like to examine exactly what Zhenhong’s “thanks” even means. Why would Zhenhong be thanking Jiahan? On the surface, it lookslike Jiahan waited for this guy to finish eating, then asked him invasive questions about his sexuality and suggest he should get help and then almost choked him. This should count as a microagression at best and an attempted hate crime at worst. But, as I just dived into, this wasn’t a bad faith jeer by Jiahan in order to bully Zhenhong, this was a genuine cry for help made by a deeply confused teenager. I feel like the “thanks.” at the end of the scene was perhaps just as puzzling to me as when I thought about why the staff would have that scene play out like that in the first place? I think his thanks is conveying many things. Firstly, thanking him for not actually hurting him and allowing him to have a semi normal interaction with a student of the same gender. As far as we know, many,  MANY different students have tried to hurt him in the new semester alone. Hell, we literally do not even know his name as everyone refers to him by the q slur or some other derogatory term, which speaks a lot to how he is treated. He also may be saying thanks for actually asking him about his sexuality. While Jiahan still followed it up with a suggestion he see a doctor, he still genuinely wanted to know why rather fully assume he has something wrong with him. Also, I feel like he might be thanking Jiahan for being brave enough to actually confront his sexualtiy and ask Zhenhong for help in the first place. Zhenhong really seems to be alone as the only gay student at the school but now knowing that Jiahan is realizing thathe’s gay as well, might make him be hopeful that things may slowly begin to change. Sadly, this interaction is the last time we see Xie Zhenhong all film which sucks because I really liked him. And I feel like it would’ve been really nice to see him after the time skip or at least have Jiahan mention him because this moment was one of the things that really made Jiahan start to accept his sexuality. A cut scene with Father Oliver also contributed, but I really wish Xie Zhenhong got more narrative than being the only out student that was then violently bullied. But, I acknowledge that MANY scenes were cut from the film for length so I can’t complain to much.

Oh god, that was a lot to say about a scene that was literally a minute and thirty seconds long. In conclusion!! I just had a lot of things to say about this scene and the scenes surrounding it. I think Jiahan is just a very painfully relatable character for many LGBT viewers and he was incredibly relatable for me which is why I felt the need to spend my day off writing this as opposed to doing homework. This scene is incredibly rich on many levels and I really appreciate YNEH as a whole for not spoonfeeding the viewer information and letting us interpret and question the scenes on our own and come to our own conclusions about the characters and yea. There’s so much going on and a lot of nuance and idk how to properly convey a lot of my thoughts but I tried really hard bc i really do love this movie. I really was puzzled by this scene at first, but now having examined it, it is my favorite scene in the movie. If this scene was changed in any way to make it more palatable, it would’ve been nearly as impactful which was a hard decision to come to, but I stand by it. I don’t know if I feel the same about other scenes but I will be reviewing YNEH as a whole in a different post. I have much more to say but my thoughts on this scene were far too long to not make it a separate post of its own. In essence, YNEH is about growing up and accepting yourself in all ways. Not all of those things are pleasant but if you cannot accept those things about yourself, you’re doomed to be miserable until you can live life unburdened by your own and societies limitations. Goodnight, my fingers hurt.

#i think im like . the only one thats ever refered to that student by name on tumblr dot com.. that ive seen #your name engraved herein #刻在你心底的名字 #chang jiahan #long post #🐌.pdf #also i rewrote and reworded this sooo many times to get it to sound the way i want fjvjdjdjs bc this movie has so much to talk abt and word #it right bc like yea.. yk... bc like... yea #its 1am... gn

[therealvinelle]

What are vampires?

(Yes, I changed the title from “What is venom?” a week after publishing and after a whole set of sorry souls reblogged the post. I’m very sorry, but as I sat down to write the follow-up piece I realized that this meta is about vampires, not venom, and the title is no longer appropriate. My perfectionism got the better of me and I’m sorry.)

There’s been a lot of speculation on that in this fandom, here comes my take. It’ll split into four parts, this being part one where I look at what venom does to the human body. In part two I look at hybrids, part three I speculate on what venom is, part four I treat possible origins and raisons d’être of venom.

So, this first part is mostly me regurgitating facts. We won’t get anywhere if we’re not all agreed on what vampires are.

Also, I get very pseudo-scientific in this meta, but I have no education in biology or medicine so I could be wrong about everything. I tried to use good sources, though, so I can’t be entirely off-base.

With that out of the way, LET’S DO THIS.

To create a vampire, you infect a human with venom. This venom spreads throughout the body, altering every cell. The process is complete when the heart stops beating. If the human was injured at the time of infection, they will be healed, as long as the heart keeps beating.

Let’s go through that.

How does the venom spread?

When Bella was bitten by James, Edward was able to suck the venom out. Several minutes passed from she was bitten until Edward sucked the venom out, yet the burn was only reported to be in her hand. By contrast, anyone who’s ever had pharmaceutical administered intravenously knows that blood travels quickly. If venom travelled like any normal fluid, Bella would have said «My hand is on fire. No wait, my arm! No, wait, my torso! No, wait-» and Edward wouldn’t have been able to suck it out.

Additionally, Bella has that scar left by James. The venom had already altered the cells at the entry point.

To me, this sounds like the venom is like Pac-Man, spreading through the body by altering one cell at a time. It’s the only explanation for why it’s so slow. More on that later, though.

How does it alter the cells, and in turn the human body?

Physically, their skin is made impervious and perfectly even, their teeth are straight, razor sharp and white, their bodies impossibly strong, fast, and precise, their senses heightened to an insane degree yet they feel no pain from most physical injuries. Their digestive system is altered so they can only consume blood, preferably human blood, anything non-blood is regurgitated. They’re much more attractive than they were in life. They’re not reliant on oxygen, and their blood doesn’t circulate. They produce their own venom.

Mentally, their minds function at the capacity necessary to even utilize a body like this. They are able to process their heightened sensory input (for example, it’s the brain that interprets visual input from the eyes. For vampires to be able to see better than humans, both eye and brain have to improve), process though much faster than humans, they forget nothing, and they feel emotion and physical sensation more strongly than humans do.

Let’s go through these alterations one by one.

Skin

Frequently likened to marble, vampire skin is as hard as stone. When Bella becomes a vampire, she’s stunned Edward’s flesh now yields to her touch. Before, if she pressed her finger on him, his skin would not yield. The shapeshifters can kill vampires because their fangs are sharp enough to pierce their skin, without that advantage they couldn’t do it. No ordinary weapon could injure a vampire.

The stone skin is an armor, protecting them.

Teeth

As us humans get older, the enamel in our teeth is worn away, revealing the tooth’s underlying yellow color (the dentin). Vampires can live for thousands of years, yet their teeth remain that perfect blinding white. What changed? I see two possible explanations, one being that vampires still have enamel, and it’s too strong to ever be worn away, or they don’t have it because their teeth have been altered to the point where they don’t need a protective layer anymore, and their composition is something completely different from that of human teeth.

I think it’s the latter, as there are two other major changes reported. Their teeth have changed shape, they are now sharp enough to pierce through human or vampire skin. They’re also venomous (more on that later), able to inject anybody they bite, fellow vampires included, with venom.

There’s also the fact that vampires are changed on a molecular level, but more on that later.

Strength, speed, and precision

Meta I wrote on vampire strength disparity.

Vampires are ridiculously powerful, no upper limit (as in, «Newborn Emmett can carry 500 tonnes») is given, but whatever it is it’s high. Alice might just be the physically weakest vampire in the saga (Jane is physically smaller, but she eats properly. Alice lives on a subpar diet), but to Bella it makes no difference, Alice blows her out of the park anyway. Edward, a malnourished and not too strong vampire, is easily able to pick up entire trees by the roots, and then throw them at a small target.

As for speed, vampires move faster than the human eye can register, which according to this article means they can reach a speed of 38 146 mph! (61 390 km/h for us metric people) (Also, the traveling object used for this calculation was a ball, and the article specifies that it would be different for bigger objects. Alas I’m not going to bother my physicist friend with this, so we’re using the ball number.)

When it comes to precision, vampires exercise perfect muscle control. They’re so graceful their steps can’t be heard by humans,  Edward can famously stroke a soap bubble without popping it, and they’re able to perfectly mimic the handwriting of others (a task anyone who’s ever googled forensic calligraphy will know is next to impossible). Much of this appears to be instinctual, like a downloaded .vampire package. Knowing how to attack prey, where to bite, that all happens on autopilot. So too does running, jumping, walking (funny how their default mode, even Carlisle’s, is to walk too quietly for their designated prey to detect). Snarling, hissing, and growling are also distinctly non-human manners vampire adopt.

Senses

Heightened sight, hearing, and smell is extremely useful. It makes them much more effective hunters. The smell especially is useful here, but really, all their senses are invaluable in this. It’s great for dealing with fellow vampires as well, they can see, hear, and smell their kind coming from a far distance.

There’s an added advantage, though. As I got into here, and here, if a vampire’s memories of their human life is dull and washed out compared to their brilliant new existence, dismissing humans as equally deserving of life becomes that much easier to justify. Heightened emotions serves this same purpose, though considering their longevity I think this is another form of survival, that they’re wired not to grow bored with life (but this is really for a separate meta).

There’s also the fact that their senses have to be tuned up to 11 to fit their other enhanced abilities. There’s no use in super-speed if you can’t see where you’re going.

Vampires’ heightened senses make them more efficient predators, and help them become the bloodthirsty sociopaths we know and love.

Pain receptors, or lack thereof

Vampires feel pain when they are thirsty, when their limbs are torn off, when they are bitten by other vampires (it appears to be the venom that stings), or when subjected to a gift that induces pain (Jane, Kate). They don’t feel pain like humans do, nor do they feel discomfort (they can sit indefinitely in any position, never feeling the need to shift around.

Interestingly, it looks to me like pain serves the same function for them as it does for humans. The brain registers pain to tell us something, a biological error message. Don’t walk on that leg, it’s injured. Get your hand off the hot stove and don’t put it there again. Pain is useful.

Vampires, by contrast, are not going to get injured from someone hitting them. There are no blood vessels that can burst, no soft tissue that can burst nor bones that can break. So, no need for their brains to register that as pain. Humans need to change positions every now and then for the sake of our circulation and so we don’t develop pressure ulcers (and I’m sure there are more reasons), vampires have no circulation and, as mentioned above, their skin is armor. No pressure ulcers.

What they do need pain for, is to let them know to feed. That’s the big one, and in turn the strongest one. The pain of the thirst is unbearable, as it has to be to turn a human who was infected with venom into a killer. It’s survival. Same goes for feeling pain when their limbs are torn off, or their bodies damaged by a bite. Their pain receptors let them know to avoid this next time.

As for Jane and Kate’s gifts, this may not serve a purpose for other vampires, but it serves a purpose for Jane and Kate. It protects them. So, sucks for everyone else, but that’s what gifts do, they give the gift-haver a leg up on others.

Digestive system

Carlisle had spent many years attempting to understand our immortal anatomy; it was a difficult task, based mostly on assumption and observation. Vampire cadavers were not available for study.

His best interpretation of our life systems was that our internal workings must be microscopically porous. Though we could swallow anything, only blood was accepted by our bodies. That blood was absorbed into our muscles and provided fuel. When the fuel was depleted, our thirst intensified to encourage us to replenish our supply. Nothing besides blood seemed to move through us at all. (Midnight Sun, chapter Home)

Ignoring the horrifying fact that the context for this quote is Edward wondering if Bella’s tear could stay in his system forever, this here is extremely interesting and I agree. Partly because I can’t think of anything better, partly because Carlisle is an in-universe medical genius who’s had access to far more data than I have. He can run experiments, I can’t. Even if I came up with a theory I thought was better, if blood absorption through porous tissue is Carlisle’s best theory then there must be evidence in favor of this which I don’t have access to. So, porous tissue it most likely is.

(Also, my «Carlisle totally volunteered for vivisection fun times with Aro in Volterra» theory survives that first paragraph. Vampire cadavers might not be available for study, but live ones absolutely are, you just pick them apart and put them back together after, and bring in Corin and/or Alec so the guinea pig has a good time too. There’s no way that never occurred to Aro. Even if it didn’t, it’s bound to have occurred to someone over the years, and Aro touches a lot of people. And we know he and Carlisle discussed what vampires even were, that they were best friends and all about that science.

We also know that sometimes, your weird science experiments involving dismemberment and tripping on Corin in Volterra, stay in Volterra. The tissue is porous, Edward, DON’T ASK ME HOW I KNOW.)

This has huge implications. What happened to the digestive system they used to have?

It’s still there, but non-operational.

Middle solution: it’s recognizably there, but welded shut. At some point, whatever the vampire ingests hits an untraversable boundary, and from there the blood is absorbed while any other matter remains, undigested (though possibly dissolved by venom) until regurgitated.

The vampire’s inner anatomy is unrecognizable from that of a human. Vampires have no need for livers, bowels, gall bladders, and so on, and so these organs no longer exist, or have even been replaced by other organs (assuming vampires need any, more on that later).

My vote lies with the third option, though both second and third are possible. The first one, not so much, as it means that in theory, they could force something through their system. They can’t.

More, vampires are nothing if not extremely efficient and economical organisms. They don’t need to feel pain from a physical blow, so they don’t. Why carry around these organs they’re not using?

Then there’s what they even need their digestive system to do. Humans need the nutrients in our meals not just as fuel, but as- well, everything. We need the building blocks for our cells. Our bodies are constantly renewing themselves. Vampires, by contrast, don’t appear to do this. There’s no waste of any kind, and their skin doesn’t get flaky. Edward specifically says blood is fuel, and I think that’s a literal interpretation.

Now we’re veering into speculation territory, and this isn’t the place for it just yet as we’re veering into what venom is and does, but I think whatever digestive process vampires have, serves to turn their blood to venom. I don’t think there’s any particular organ for this, I think that’s just because that’s what happens when venom comes into contact with blood. We see it happen when humans are bitten, and I think it’s fair to assume that the same thing happens when venom comes into contact with ingested blood.

This also helps explain why animal blood isn’t equal to human blood. Animals can’t be turned to vampires, it’s blood but venom and animal blood aren’t on the same FM, so to say. So, with no better option, yes venom can make do with animal blood, but it won’t perform as well as it would with human blood. The vampire is now weaker, with the frankly terrifying side effect that their eyes change color. We’re so used to this that we just go «oh, yeah, animal blood means their eyes turn yellow. It’s like a LED light letting you know which diet the vampire is on!» when in any other organism, a chance of color like that is usually the sign of something being wrong. Blue lips, yellow sclera, red urine, all color changes that point to something not being not as it should be.

Now, to go further here would mean getting more into what venom even is, which is best saved for part three. I’ll say this, venom appears to be the only fluid in the vampire body. It’s moistens their eyes (and melts their contacts), pools in their mouth, is injected through their fangs, and the application of venom to a wound makes them heal faster. Venom is the substance they rely on, more so even than blood, their elixir of life. (My speculation on how Edward was able to impregnate Bella is reserved for the hybrid/what is venom metas).

Also, on what vampires carry over from their human bodies, I do think they’re economical enough to not fix what ain’t broken. I think this because the human nervous system is absolutely brilliant, and indeed Bella regains sensation during her transformation where her spine had once been broken and unable to communicate with her brain. Question is, of course, was this because her new vampire body still uses the human nervous system, or did Bella regain sensation because her transformation had gotten to a point where this was no longer the case?

Beauty

The beauty part has gotten some very valid criticism, as beauty is very subjective and venom makes it out to be an objective, empirically measurable unit.

To caveat first, we see in canon that not all vampires are gorgeous. James was an ugly human, and so as a vampire he’s no beauty. Maggie was emaciated and not particularly attractive, so she’s bony and not hot by vampire standards. The Cullens, by contrast, were attractive humans. Human Bella is a hottie, she pulls all the guys without issue. If she were as plain as she thinks she is, she wouldn’t get male attention. Being new is only gonna get her so far. Jasper was turned because Maria thought he was a cutie, and same goes for Emmett with Rosalie.

(There’s also a certain inherent bias - I imagine attractive people have a much higher chance of getting turned than uglies.)

More, understand that vampires don’t look human. They’re flawless, desirable, perfect, yes - but they are very distinctly not human, and humans know as much instinctively:

Like any normal human, suddenly standing just a foot away from a vampire would send adrenaline racing through his veins. Fear would twist in his stomach for just a fraction of a second, and then his rational mind would take over. His brain would force him to ignore all the little discrepancies that marked me as other. His eyes would refocus and he would see nothing more than a teenage boy. I watched him come to that conclusion, that I was just a normal boy. I knew he would be wondering what his body’s strange reaction had been about. (Midnight Sun, chapter 21, page 547)

Vampires are beautiful in the way the Nefertiti bust is beautiful. It’s perfect, otherworldly, timelessly beautiful, but looking at it you know this is a bust and not a living human woman.

With that in mind, I think some of the vampire’s unnatural beauty is… not circumstantial, but happy bonuses to their other qualities. Their perfect skin, for instance, goes a long way towards making them beautiful. Perfectly smooth, a glowing white, no disruptions like blackheads, scarring, or sweat. At one point Bella describes Rosalie as looking airbrushed. Their perfect teeth, impeccable grace, these features also help.

Now, I think when venom makes a human more beautiful, I think the big thing it does is make the features perfectly symmetrical. This by itself is immediately inhuman and unnatural, more computer generated than human, just perfect enough to tick off the uncanny valley box. This would explain the flawlessness Bella keeps describing in vampires. It also explains the disparity in beauty, the features Rosalie had to work with and get symmetrical were lovelier than the ones James had, and why they can look completely different from each other yet share that same kind of uncanny impeccability. It also explains how people of wildly different face types and ethnicities can all be beautiful, the venom won’t erase the features you had but rather refine them into the best they can be.

I do think that refinement, in addition to symmetry, happens. If it didn’t, the change wouldn’t be so radical from human to vampire. More, all vampires are described as having sharp features, Esme stands out for the fact that she retained some of her human softness. So, the venom appears to make features more angular and, well, sharp.

Aro’s description is in favor of my interpretation of vampiric beauty: 

I couldn't decide if his face was beautiful or not. I suppose the features were perfect. But he was as different from the vampires beside him as they were from me. His skin was translucently white, like onionskin, and it looked just as delicate (New Moon, page 234)

His features are flawless, meaning symmetrical. He should be beautiful, so it’s the skin that gives her pause.

There’s also the matter that beauty is observed in the body, not just the form. They all look strong and limber, even the tiniest of vampires. I imagine some of this is simply texture, that vampires are made hard, smooth, and perfect, but we have this from Bella looking in the mirror after waking up a vampire:

She was fluid even in stillness, and her flawless face was pale as the moon against the frame of her dark, heavy hair. Her limbs were smooth and strong, skin glistening subtly, luminous as a pearl. (Breaking Dawn, page 261)

Fluid even in stillness, her limbs smooth and strong. This woman was starving to death when she died. Combined with the fact that Edward, who was a sick 17-year-old, has muscle definition, it seems venom does body sculpting as well. Though it’s worth noting that hydration goes a long way towards muscle definition for humans, so the change in fluid composition in vampires could have something to do with it their limber appearance.

Then there’s the other vampire beauty markers.

Their voices are described quite unusually, with words like wind chimes, bells, or feathers. They’re beautiful, but, like everything else about vampires, inhuman. When Carlisle calls Billy on the phone, Billy immediately recognized the voice as somehow wrong, it’s too clear and sharp.

I mean, I think in part this is because their vocal cords aren’t made of soft human tissue anymore, but most likely stone. No matter what they’re made of, though, it’s no surprise that we’re not getting human voices out of them.

Their scent is appetizing to humans and other vampires alike, and serves a duel purpose. Humans are attracted to them (well, vampires are too), while vampires are able to use it for tracking purposes. It’s tremendously useful for keeping track of your territory, as randos can’t walk in and eat your food and sneak off again without leaving a trail. It’s also good for meeting up with friends, we see Carlisle and Siobhan use it for this purpose in Midnight Sun.

Circulation

The purpose of blood is to carry oxygen and nutrients to the cells. Apparently, this isn’t a need vampires have. All they need is venom. The theory that their tissue is porous adds to this, as it would mean blood travels through their body in a different manner. The porous tissue replaces circulation.

So, no circulation for vampires because they don’t need it.

This meta is now getting ridiculously long, so I’m putting the venom production section in the venom meta.

The transformation

The transformation is complete when the heart stops beating. The former human is now a vampire, and no longer reliant on a heartbeat, nor oxygen. In this they are different from hybrids.

As for the process itself, I think that as the venom spreads, it starts multiplying on its own. This is why it took longer for Carlisle than it did Bella, she was bitten and injected multiple times and on every part of her body while Carlisle was grazed on the arm. Bella had more venom that could work on her, Carlisle did not. These facts support my theory of the slow spread of venom.

I’ve played with the thought of the transformation happening in stages, where the first act is the spread of the venom, which then spreads throughout the body and heals the body to put it at default, the second act is the bodysculpting, and the third act the finishing touches. It doesn’t quite fit with venom transforming as it goes, though, so I’m very hm on that.

A few observations:

Activity level doesn’t appear to help spread the venom. Carlisle exerted himself, and his transformation took far more time than normal (though lying still instead of contorting in agony probably doesn’t help in that regard). Bella laid still as a corpse, and her transformation took far less time than normal. The venom spreads in its own time, regardless of what the blood circulation is up to.

Going by the accounts of the Cullens, while the pain is constant, the transformation hurts increasingly as the venom spreads.

Bella was severely injured, and needed to be healed before she could even feel all the pain. Her broken spine, for instance, meant she couldn’t feel below the waist.

Carlisle said it’s «easier if the blood is weak» (cryptic much?! Not making it easy for me, dude. Though as this was said in the context of Edward explaining that Carlisle would only turn someone already dying, I do think he’s referring to what it’s like for vampires, though, that humans are not so tempting if they’re half dead.)

Healing

Now we’re veering into the venom meta, but: the transformation fixes anything that could impede the vampire’s function. Bella would get nothing done with her post-birth broken body, and so she’s fixed up for her. Alice’s emaciation means she’s thin and less strong than others, it doesn’t physically prevent her from doing anything.

The venom, it appears, heals the human not because it’s being altruistic, nor to make the vampire more appealing to others, but to make the human into an ideal host. BUT MORE ON THAT IN THE VENOM META.

With that, my god we’re done. And this meta is  words in total, an ugly number.

Lastly, I know that putting a read more at the end of a 4k long meta is the worst joke in the world (RIP to you poor souls scrolling past this. My reason for not being a read more kind of gal to be found here)

Nothing yet, I’m afraid.

#long post #had to delete immediately after posting because i hadn't actually written anything in the skin section #so i deleted rather than having people reblog before it was ready #ops #twilight #twilight meta #twilight renaissance #twilight vampires #twilight venom #twilight biology #vampire biology #also i am very proud of the way my ship snuck into the post #sorry not sorry but it's a bedbug ship #it won't stay out of my stuff #edit: can't count. wrote five parts