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cosmicangel888 · 1 year

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The Many Versions of You that require Healing - Moving from 3D Social Norm to 5D Liberation - every story matters

I am not here to prove myself to anyone

I know who I am and how I know, sense, see the world and beyond and of what Spirit, Source shows me, just as every other master before me - spirit will place masters in all forms, races, colours, ages, sexes to allow for all judgments and notions, of the imbalanced unfair ways to be fully changed and re-written;

How certain voices and being-ness literally being ignored and fall to the deceitful and corruption in which such separation of spirit within has caused; the inner wounding not being healed, and more of the manipulation and abuse of energy and power being used in such deplorable situations, and toxic degrading cycles of greed and dehumanizing continue - how far in darkness and devil work will we fall to see that children being taken from the love of a mother, a good mother, and trying mother, that offers such pure love and devotion but the corruption of the systems, lack of care, and abuse of power for the tittles DM of corruption hold; and why I will not stand down.

How much money is worth, the selling of your soul to consider one was a part of a child being sold, bought, and trafficked by the corrupt mental games, smoke and mirrors of the darkest minds and greediest souls that use light, energy, innocence to build upon the empty cult-sacrificing that always needs more, greeds more, and uses, abuses, and corrupts all facets of our social knowing? How much will be enough to know you have a part in the abuse of a child, the selling of a child or human and to know there were groups of horrific hateful chanting and planting of hell to the innocent minds to do terrible things, self harm, and poisoning in any way they seek; and this has been the underground, threaded in many facets of our reality and that go unnoticed, for we have become so very normalized to such deceitful activity and believe in those that are such great liars and deceivers -

They know how to abuse the mental realm, the astral realm, and go and work with those false spiritualists that recruit vulnerably dark souls in need of healing to do their dirty work; recruit the vulnerable and take, steal, work schemes of signing over wills, and monies, and inheritance and target those with light and money; target those and do birth charts on them to see when and how they will hit it big, and then use them as numbers to place hits on them in the underground;

You don't think there is such going on - my story is a window of what sacrificing was done knowing the light and timelines I have moved in and out of in the divine knowing we are far worthy of a greater life and potential - at what point will we see our human knowing our human collective as divine, and sacred, life being sacred and how dare we ever consider to buy, sell, or trafficking any aspect of sacred life? What disconnection and wounding would one have to think any of this is ok?

What are you willing to let go of and feel knowing in your heart you healing and helping humanity heal and uplift from - what will you be known in as your own loving truth - your story of over-coming is worth seeking within and living of higher guidance - you are worthy of a new reality -

Let no other be abused, or taken advantage of, speak up for the elderly being taken advantage of, set up new systems in which support and kind healing, education, learning of self love, self respect, self honour will be offered to those in such situations - all have a part to play -

Take your story and make healing and offering to humanity your way to clear anything you feel guilty and of shame about - heal it by acting in loving support of your own spirit that was harmed and that was taken advantage of - you are here to help!

Help support the chilren use their voices and empower, inspired, and encourage all children to know their own inner truth and never take on another's - they are creative joyful beings and how to empower all to use their voice, and keep speaking until someone hears - and someone acts in loving support -

we are all here to be brave and break what was being so sneakily unseen, unheard because we didn't want to get involved - we are all involved - this is our collective and our nature, our water, our air and our children, and make no mistake about this - you will be back, and so your future earth timeline will be what you clear or what you continue in sleepiness of a lack of self worth - all is purposeful - but all have a choice to stand and be counted

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To be brought into such and gangs of such to think that such depraviety is a natural part of our human life - at what point will we see human life as sacred?

Taking from anyone is a taking of yourself,

The selling of anyone is a selling of yourself, and in such sects, cults, it is a mind-washing to believe that any entity will provide you power - and all is false - the black magic and manipulation will not hold up in 5D consciousness and the veils becoming more and more thin, seeable to all seers and whistleblowers that have been stalked to quietness and solace to a simple lonely life to stay out of the way of such hatred and underground depraving of humanity their own right to be left alone and to explore their own light without it being stolen, warped, and manipulated by daily rituals of hate and projections, schemes and selfish agendas -

Those not aligning with their higher self and the benevolent programs of evolution and light, are not aligned with the highest beings; those that practice and do such, do so with permission and tell those you are practicing such grotesque acts on so they can be a willing participant - not practice and target the innocent and warp and destroy their divine life to a point of suicide and self harm - why are there so many homeless? Why is the transgender and sexual preference challenges occurred in the way and in our world the way it is?

There are plays, social imprints, programs, entities that prey off os such negative beliefs that we have within ourselves and within the collective; there is no devil - there are collective entities that are manifested from our own vibration - and then those that know such, and king pin energy pimps that use and abuse such to manifest their own circle of curruption -

However it may look; corrupt churches, or businesses, using others that are aligned work, and information for spirit will not provide nor pour such wisdoms to those not aligned - and you can tell much by how someone practices and opens in unity with spirit or not - no unity then you are tapping into any entity of greed and whatever the person is intending- becoming -

We are healing enslavement; in any way, vibrationally enslavement, intellectual enslavement, physical and sexual enslavement, and on and on, censorship and how any one that moves in a new trajectory of truth, higher truth, that is censored, or gang-stalked and bullied to move on and silence - all is our healing - we are creative beings and all have spiritual birthright to be expressive and divine in our expression and safely in being so -

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When you intend anything - you are sending energy of 'be-ing' it - in-tend of it - period - none can fool the Divine - energy is energy and the truth, what was false will simply be - it is not rocket science - it is energy and being shown to all facets of our reality for us to with loving compassion and integrity - re-write -

deceit, anything manipulative will be sensed immediately in our current collective vibration - our fields, our collective awareness, our collective intentions for peace, unity, safety will be far out-weighing any one groups intonations for a devil controlled earth in which corruption is the way - it simply is not - it is our wounding, it is our fears and at some point every soul will awaken to the love that which is within and how your own story is the healing another may need to pull their home out of destruction, pull their family out of despair of moving into harms way due to greed and selfishness of those stating they know spirit and then working black voodoo to harm, confuse, and bring falseness to stories and those truly working in light-

Earth Angels, Light-workers, all are here to play a part to bring peace and safety to all - It is our birthright to be of love and be of light and speak of it, and be of it - all have their light to be expression of love and light ~ Creative Joy to new systems and new ways of uplifting and creative the highest potentials ever seen on earth - we are this!

5D IS

transparent

truthful

unity with all life; wildlife, nature, water, soil, above, below

loving oneself and all others - oneness

integris

higher leaders of socio-altruism

humanitarianism

connection with nature and wildlife more prevalent

truth in all systems and re-writing of such

It is not a matter of what is truth; it is a matter of simply feeling the energy before you - is it loving and compassionate, it is pure within tension of love and tenderness to all life; or is it greed and taking, scheming, manipulating, thwarting, wining of competitive - any of the 7 sins; beliefs and energies of our separation of spirit are a clue and of the wounding in which can be healed and a new reality the very next day - all have known, been given such for years - to choose anew;

Ways to discern the ground faults, breaking of corrupt energies and entities / entity attachment through non-healing

jealousy, envy, greed, betrayal, gossip, any talk of sacrifice is not necessary when you understand true universal energy and universal laws

any defamation of those truly in truth, gluttony, control and the manipulation to work narrative, the hiding of truth or paperwork of evidence to schemes, mishaps of another, group work that harms and demoralizes, dehumanized any aspect of our sacred earth, nature, wildlife, sacrifice to anything is not necessary and is immediate karma -

Discern what and how, who, you are being told, shown is a way to achieve, or receive - all is purposeful - for some truly need to learn the hard way, the painful way- it is not necessary - the outcome anyone is not to be controlled - simply allowing of ones own inner story, truth, and creative joy is all that is needed;

We are meant to share, to be of honour of our elders, our sharing of our movement through challenging times, and how to unite and bring love, healing, and unity to the next generations - the honour of our lands, nature that is and can be used to heal, offer intelligence, and so on - much that we are meant to learn and grow from ©

5D Promise of our higher selves, spirit, realms of intelligence to anchor to new earth

Unity, Peace, Safety for all unique & creative expressions

discern anyone, group not wanting you to shine, share, glow, and be of great joy in your creationist and negative of your creative joy - discern - and move away - your light, your consciousness is everything - to health, your abundance, and your creative genius on all realms - light is your evolution on ALL REALMS

; lack of trust, lack of self and unknowing of self and universal laws;

why the old ways, old systems, some of which are all misguided teaching of old sects and beliefs of what God was and what we were not = the lack of self, taught and forced in conformed dogma, social systems have turned off our innate sensing of what is ok and what is simply deplorable -

At what point will we awaken and be the voice of your own story and how we are each able to bring the highest level of peace and unity, balance and healing for all - ALL IS HEALABLE

Crime, violence, underground life is not necessary - they are simply all unhealed and empty beings that have forgotten what is truly love, compassion, forgiveness, the conscience that is our portal to knowing of higher ways and better versions of who we are -

Break conformity and break the ways in which you simply agreed to anything that is not morally ok, the abuse, mistreatment of anyone, animals, life, and stand in a new way of being - you will be supported - you will be supported -

The universe, the legions of beings supporting humanity waking up will support you and what you are facing, be it groups of those that want your failure, and demise so that they can profit, or take more, or sign a signature to have monies in your name transferred or mail and offers go to them, while all the while the truth and codes, and light, and truth of a healer never being received to those in need - or be it a family case of loosing your children to a system in need to over-haul -

Stand share - your story is your healing - your choices, your story and may not have voice or choice over you - you are the authority over you - you are the voice of all that is God, source, spirit -

Why would any group force a light one, speaking of love, truth, compassion, self empowerment, self love, self healing, be run out of a town, and yet their behind closed doors black magic, spell work, recruiting others of light, abundance and younger ones to take from be 'ok' and how those of title snub the noses at what is truly going on - or authorities knowing of it and missing the papers or filing what is rightfully meant to be filed for the benevolence of the all - the greater good means something and I will not stand down

Spirit, your highest self, your teams of guides, the infinite timelines you are on, nothing is missed in Creation and every act, every thought, every word of good or harm, is noted - all will be facing each to forgive and bring balance to and what is right, truthfully and with integirty to make right - all must face to truly alchemize the choices, beliefs, and harm done to others - for one act affects the all - it is time to face what is before us and re-write it -

5D leaders - we are here to bring hope, light, truth, loving safe space to all - this is our planets wish for us; hunting, killing, the violence, the targeting of what is kind, good, true, and of light is not a war - it is a wound that I am showing to all - look within - who are you - and what is your truth- all is healable - and where do you stand?

What truths and what stories do you know of that can help balance another in pain, suffering- it is time we heal and wake up - for our light, our planet, the all of creation is supporting such; my story is 1 and how many were forgotten, misplaced, placed in homes of violence and sexual abuse, and how many souls eternally altered our loving ascension path to harmonize with galaxies of oneness -

What falseness and mistruth will you hide behind and what will you be brave enough to come forth and make right- it is your karma and your dharma - who are you?

Will you continue to allow the false beliefs and those harming of the innocent continue their acts, their ways or call upon spirit to step in and offer assistance to clear the way;

When you control, manipulate, anything from anyone, do any work in any way, energetic or physical, you will keep it from yourself - thus loving and experiencing exactly what you call to another - this is the way of the universe to grow from such lack of self beliefs and lessons of control, greed, and envy,

You don't have to move through darkness on your own - there is the alliance with light, ©

Energies stem from wounding; get to the core; this is how we heal out planetary issues - and it will take time, devotion and new ways; new leaders of a higher light and higher truth - we are destining to have our entire planet to awaken - this was our highest wish and all play a part - WE ARE ONE - and why must we awaken to use our stories as healing and as sharing -

Anyone can heal - all is healable - all is healable

There is always a win/win

Joanna

Donations are greatly appreciated -

DONATIONS - see our PayPal link here; paypal.me/JoannaLRoss

#blessingsofgod

#blessingsofearth

#unity

#peace

#oneness

#healinghumanity

#ascensionbooks

#enlightenment

#awakening

#conduits

#Christconsciousness

#selflove

#selfhonour

#selfvalue

There Is always healing and support when you do the right thing

Truth is,

This is self honour - when you love yourself enough - To make right on what has been - for yourself, for anyone - all affects the all -

Blessings be our new earth

#5Dleadership

#ascension

#healinghumanity

#healinghistory

#healingourcommunities

#healingourchildren

#healingtraumas

#Youtube

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undertalethingems · 3 years

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I think people forget Papyrus isn't childish for loving the stories he does or having his actions figures. In fact it makes him more mature for being able to own a race car bed and enjoy chilren books he loves. I often find the most mature people are the ones who aren't afraid to be passionate about things they love, even if its 'childish'. Papyrus does have his moments, but I do think it's important to remember Frisk IS young, and at times he might be ramping things up for their amusement.

oh yeah, that’s another thing--one of my headcanons is that papyrus plays up his goofier aspects to make himself more endearing--to Frisk, and depending on what you headcanon him knowing, perhaps even the player. You see this a little bit with the phone calls--he says different things in different tones depending on who’s present. And maybe he does it a bit for Sans’ benefit too--Papyrus almost certainly does a lot to cheer Sans up, and if that means playing up his reactions to a bad pun and generally being a caricature of himself, so be it.

humunanunga said: I think I might've just figured out what the deal is, based on what you said. A lot of people have still had... an inclination to attribute optimistic spirits like his to innocence and childish ignorance, and don't know how to portray a separation of the two while also portraying his enthusiastic, boastful energy, which also gets associated with immaturity, when really... he's like Kronk? He's like Kronk.

And yeah, that’s the other thing. Some people look at any character--or even another person--who has “childish” interests or a bright outlook on life and then act like that means they’re not important or don’t have anything valuable to contribute, just because they don’t subscribe to some grimdark cynicism. because you have to be stupid if you don’t see how awful the world is, right? //sarcasm.

several other folks have written much more, and much more eloquently than i can, about the sort of ableism directed at Papyrus and by extension the people who relate to him. I’m not equipped to go into it now, here, but it’s troubling to say the very least. Even if Papyrus was as dumb as these people act like, making fun of him and dismissing him is a pretty gross thing to do. again, to say the very least. >>

I can’t think of much else to say at this point, except that Papyrus is really great, and too many people still don’t realize it even after 5 years :”D

#undertalethingem chats #papyrus (undertale)#editing because i forgot to finish a thought :"D #it is very late here =u=;;

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youryanderedaddy · 3 years

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Love goes through the stomach

I wrote this 2 years ago, but thought that it was fitting so yeah. It kinda sucks but it is what it is lol.

Tw: kidnapping, toxic relationship, death, a slight description of cannibalism, obsessive behaviour, yandere pov/unrelaible narrator

You were my first true love - my first friend, first partner, first time. You were the girl I took to prom and whose father I invited to go fishing every month. The girl I dreamed of marrying and becoming the mother of our chilren. We were, to put it briefly, the perfect couple.

Our life was wonderful - I had finally settled into my new job as a weekly newspaper editor, and you were doing your own thing, meeting with friends, being the shiny little star you are. Everything had turned out the way I wanted. It was hard to believable that the little girl who refused to meet my gaze in high school was now greeting me with a warm smile every night.

But one day your dark red lips froze in a cold lifeless grimace, and your hands dropped gently to your thighs.

~~~

I returned home at eight, as I do every day, and rang the bell, clutching the handle of the white bag of groceries with my free hand. No one answered (where were you), which lead to some extremely paranoid thoughts in my head, but I took a deep breath and rationalised that you were probably taking a nap because you were tired after a long day - nothing unusual. I couldn’t help but wonder why you didn’t wait for me. I dug deep into my pockets and found a bunch of old, rusty keys. A moment later I had crossed the threshold of our cozy home, and the sudden smell of fish reminded me that it was your turn to cook today. I smiled and tossed the bag on the counter.

"My love, I'm home." There was no answer, and I walked nervously to the bedroom. The door, painted in your favourite colour, was slightly opened, and the space radiated with warmth and soft darkness. A crack of light crept into the room as I entered. I sat down carefully on the bed and messaged your tense shoulders. Your delicate skin had turned blue — you were probably very tired today. Fortunately, I knew exactly how to make you feel better - a hot tub with lots of bubbles would be enough to wake you up.

I carefully lifted the pink blanket and pushed it in the corner. Then I wrapped my arms around your waist and placed your arms around my neck, pulling your fragile body up. Your hair covered my shoulder and filled my senses with a strange scent of lavender an iron.

As soon as I took off the filthy, sweaty clothes from your frame, I carefully lowered you into the tub and adjusted the water. Warm. Warmer. Hot.

The bubble of illusion.

The moment I touched your icy lips, mine filled with blood. Your eyes never opened.

~~~

Our relationship was a nightmare - we quarreled over the most insignificant little thigs. It didn't matter whether I had forgotten to throw out the trash or if you were trying to escape for the hundredth time. We were forever shouting, crying, breaking things, and our relationship was slowly eating away at my sanity. I loved you to the very core of your bones. But what about you? You never showed me real affection, even for a moment. Constantly trying to leave me and fight off the passionate love that had burned in my heart from the moment I saw you for the first time.

It was your fault. YOURSYOURSYOURSYOU--

If I never caught you outside our bedroom, I wouldn't have had to hurt your tender wrists with the old, rusty blades, and I wouldn't have been so tempted by the taste of--

hahahahhh

Sweet little you with your filthy hands tangled in his hair. My little darling with those big doe eyes, innocently staring out the window and full of fear. All mine.

And yet I was completely in love and obsessed with the brilliance you possessed, even though the days in captivity turned everything good about you, into just another black memory, a distant dream, I still wanted you. Sometimes I wanted you so bad it hurt.

But we had other problems as well - I was failing at work and very soon I was kicked out like nothing more than a stray. Then I spent days after days simply walking around, picking up pointless street fights, trying to write about love, while my most precious person was forced to starve and suffer all by herself, locked away at home due to the fact that I was completely useless, but selfish enough to keep you, despite the poverty and lack of resources.

The hunger, pain, agony and sleep depravation ruined my already crumbling consciousness even further.

Before I knew it, I was lying in a pool of scarlet blood, tearing the remains of your once beutiful, strong body with bare teeth.

"My dear, it seems that you finally belong to me." I whispered softly and touched your frozen lips with mine again, ready to enjoy our sweet, pure love.

It was delicious.

#male yandere #yandere #yancore #male yandere x reader #yandere male x reader #yandere oneshot #tw death #tw cannibalism

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womenonthewallbook · 5 years

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# bullets #crayons #chilren #weapons #firearms #schools #handguns #violence @lenzcap1 #murder #violence #innocence #senseless https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs_fvmqABfj/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1uv2z8hkvyt7c

#crayons #chilren #weapons #firearms #schools #handguns #violence #murder #innocence #senseless

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tofufei · 3 years

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hello i am also very tired of people over here being shocked and all "omg can you believe it the US is such a hell country" which yes i guess, shit sucks and i really feel for people over there. but also. it isn't much better in europe really. i promise. you just need to, you know, open your eyes and LOOK. fascism is here as well on the rise, covid is pushing a fuckton of people towards radicalisation and QAnon, the eu is still committing human rights violations by the day and actively "letting" people die at the borders or in migrant camps, there's the B117 covid strain making its way around europe as a whole, switzerland is trying to pass the one of the most radical """security""" laws in europe that violate a shitton of ""rights"" that people are supposedly to have while everyone is looking away (human rights, privacy rights, the EMRK & the UN-chilren's right convention. i am not kidding, it is trying to get rid of the presumtion of innocence and grant the police the power of domicilary arrest up to 9 months only upon """suspicion"""without needing ANY proof, ANY warrants from a court. it applies to people and children from the age of 12 and up. yeah lmao no it is not funny).

anyways my point is i am spewing negativity and need to sleep

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guildedchains-images · 4 years

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Hondo is a horrible influence.

Please know that this contains ocs.

Hondo picks ezra up from a band of pirates and they have a talk about love and sexuality. (Ezra wonders if hes evil for wanting more intamacy with Thrawn, Hondo is wierdly wise saying things like "Sex is only one kind of intimacy, and for some its the greatest show of trust and love, but sometimes just holding hands is a even bigger commitment." Goes on about how maybe Ezra is missing the closeness more, but it may also be simple desire that needs to be vented somehow, but nither, or any option is wrong so long as Ezra is acting in his own best intrests.

Originally hondo tries to take him to Hera, but Ezra wants to be w his kids. They may still call the ghost for a chat tho.

Hondo then calls thrawn and asks, at first for a kings ransome, t gets pissed and hisses at him, then Ezra pops his head in laughing, and suggests a finder's fee. Hondo says "Yes, a finders fee... and one other thing"

"And that is?"

"A few hours with my future crew," Hondo laughed "They must know who their captain is!"

"No, My chilren will not be Pirates."

"The rugrats of a genious stratagist and a clever street rat? Pirating is the best possible path for them!"

Thrawn looks for a loop hole but Mel pops in and starts asking about the pirate in Chiss, H pretends to understand and anounces that his first mate (unclear if he means Ezra or Mel) just invited him on board and begins docking in the chimera, probably cutting off a shuttle.

Thrawn rushes to make sure no one fires on the ship, and meets them at the airlock with Mel (the babies are with a sitter, possibly Henri, Tigris, and/or Destiny, but Tiger is doing all the work) and Mel runs up to them asking a million questions in a mismosh of Basic and Chiss.

Hondo nods along and answers her as if he understands her, when asked he says that hes dealt with enough drunkards too [drunk] to know what languages they are speaking that a clever and well spoken young lady like her is easy to understand.

Hours later Nyra comes to pick up her kids and gets involved in the drama. She and Hondo tagteam teaching mel things of questionable legality, and the best ways to get out of trouble.

"If you dont stop corrupting my children, I will throw you off this ship."

"Im not corrupting them. Let me show you what they learned today!"

"Please, dear gods"

"Ok Mel, what do you say when you get arrested?"

"I Wanna lawyer!!" (Shes 3.) Alternatively- "Im Innocent of all charges" or "I didn do it"

#Hondo #Ezra Bridger #Mith'Raw'Nurudo #thrawn #val #ocs #too many bastards #Thrawn attracts bastards #teaching kids moraly ambiguous life lessons

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foryouthegays · 5 years

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Hey yall

So, fair warning, this is 100% ranting and will talk about shootings, especially school shootings, so please just block that tag if you dont want to read this. I am on mobile so i do not know how to do a read more (if someone could tell me that would be great). If you want me to add a tag for this, as always, just ask and ill do it asap.

Do not reblog, please

Ok, so yall probably dont know this, but i am a high schooler in california. Now, i havent figured out the states probability yet (planning on it this weekend), but i do know that ca is NOT a super safe space for schools. I do go to a private school so that is safer but it isnt perfect. Just last year there was a person with a gun on campus. Didnt go on to shoot, but on camus undetected nonetheless.

The begining of our school years start with an active shooter drill. Its taken about as seriously as the earthquake and fire drills.

That is to say, not at all. We as an american society have gotten to used to seeing children die, in schools, that the children in schools are desensitized. That is outrageous. Students, children, dying in mass numbers, that should be some 1 time thing, happens at most every 20, 30 years. But no! 44. Fourty four innocent chilren died last year from school shootings. Fourty four. That is almost one for every state. That is more than how many days are in a month. That is fourty four children, dead, because american politicians can’t get their heads out of their asses and realize that these are chilren, real children, who had lives and friends and interests and were waiting for a test to come back or to go on a date or had a new idea or just wanted to go home and sleep.

They were as real as you are.

And now? Now they are almost all forgotten, cast away because thoughts and prayers are better than revoking the right for american people to have guns, removing the weapons from a learning enviornment, and letting children worry about test papers and not if that kid is going to go through with their plan and literally kill people.

Did you know, in 2018, there were 36 school shootings?

That, if we are saying a school year is 9 months, is 4 shootings a month. One a week.

In 2018, there was one school shooting a week, and 44 people died.

How is anyone ok with this? Why are the schsho rates going up? How have we not put an end to this?

.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Each one of those dots is one life taken from a school shooting since 2000. This school year has only just started, please do not make me add onto that graph.

Again, do not reblog.

#remi rants #remi talks for once #shootings #shootings tw #guns tw #death tw #shool shooting tw #gun control tw #gun tw

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johndalesalonblog-blog · 4 years

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DESCRIPTIVE PAPER

I CAN DESCRIBE EACH OF THE CHARACTERS IN STAGE PLAY ANAK.FIRST OF THAT THE MOTHER,SHE IS A DOMESTIC HELPER THERE IN ABROAD AND SHE SACRIFICES EVERYTHING AND DOING HARDWORK FOR THE SAKE OF NEEDS OF HER THREE CHILDREN.SECOND THE CHILDREN(ONE SON AND TWO DAUGHTERS).THE ELDEST SHE IS SO VERY ANGRY FOR WHAT HER MOTHER DID,THAT S WHY THE RESPONSILIBILTY OF BEING A MOTHER SHE DO.AND HER SON ,HE IS GOOD SON AND HE LIE ABOUT HIS PERFORMANCES IN SCHOOL,HE LIES THAT HES DOING GREAT TO HIS ACADEMIC EVEN THOUGH IS NOT.AND THE YOUNGEST SHE IS A INNOCENT DAUGTHER AT ALL,SHE ONLY WANTED THAT HER MOTHER WILL STAY.THE SETTING OF THE STAGE PLAY ANAK I CAN DESCRIBE VERY NICE IN PART OF THE HOUSE THE HAPPENINGS THERE.AND THE AGRUMENTS BETWEEN MOTHER AND DAUGHTHER VERY INTERESTING VERY REALISTIC TO ME.

PLOT DEVELOPMENT

EXPOSISTION:IN THE STAGE PLAY ANAK THERE WAS A FAMILY ENCOUNTER SITUATIONAL PROBLEM.THE MOTHER WHO GO THERE IN ABROAD TO WORK.THE CHILDREN(ONE SON AND TWO DAUGTHERS)WAITING TO BACK THIER MOTHER.

CONFLICT:AND NOW BECAUSE OF THE SCARCITY OF MONEY.THE MOTHER WAS GO ABROAD TO SUSTAIN THE NEEDS OF HER CHILRENS.

RISING ACTION:WHEN MOTHER COME BACH FROM ABROAD EVERY WAS CHANGE.SHE SHOCK FOR WHAT HAPPEN TO THEIR CHILDREN,SPECIALLY TO HER ELDEST WHO TOTALLY CHANGE BECAUSE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF BEING A MOTHER SHE DID TO THE YEARS WITHOUT HER MOTHER.THATS WHY SHE SO ANGRY TO HER MOTHER.WHEN HER MOTHER STAY SHE ALWAYS NEGLECT TO HER MOTHER AND DISRESPECT.AND SHE DOING EVIL LIKE GANG.

CLIMAX:AND TIME COME WHEN HER MOTHER NEW IT WHERE SHE IS IN THE BAR WITH HER FRIENDS,THEY FIGHT AND ARGUING EACH OTHER.HER MOTHER CRY FOR WHAT HER ELDEST DO TO HER ,HER DAUGTHER EMBARRASSED HER IN FRONT OF HER FRIENDS.

FALLING ACTION:AND BECAUSE OF THAT HAPPENING HER ELDEST DAUGHTER REALIZE THAT SHE DO WRONG TO HER MOTHER.AND THEY TALK .AND FORGIVING TO EACH OTHER.

RESOLUTION:BECAUSE OF THE FORGIVENESS THEY BACK IN HAPPY FAMILY.

AND THE VALUE OF THIS PLAY IS WE SHOULD ALWAYS LOVE OUR PARENTS.BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS DO RIGHT THING TO US.LOVE OUR PARENTS WITH UNCONDITIONAL.LOVE THEM AS YOUR LOVE YOURSELF.AND MOST IMPORTANT VALUE OF THIS IS FORGIVENESS.WE SHOULD ALWAYS FORGIVE THE SIN THAT WE MAKE OR OTHERS WHO HAVE MAKE SIN TO YOU.BECAUSE GOD FORGIVE TO YOU EVERYDAY

COLOSSIANS 3:13 THE LORD HAS FORGIVEN TO YOU,SO YOU ALSO MUST FORGIVE.

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bpdmisadventuresandme-blog · 5 years

Text

Prison Pt 2

continued from previous blog.....<3

Soooo now you've all got over the whole prison ‘thing’ lets discuss what 5 weeks inside a prison did for me.

I Slept that first night . I have no doubt that was pure exhaustion. I heard an alarm going off at around 5am and was aware something was ‘kicking off’ further down the corridor. That morning having not really been told what to do the night before and only having tv shows for guidance , up to this point, I was aware that I should prob be up and dressed by time breakfast was called .....whatever time that may be ?! I literally had no idea. Needless to say I didn't need to worry at 7am a prison guard walked around the wing , unlocking the doors and saying good morning to each prisoner. it was all rather dignified and polite to be fair. I asked him what I had to do and he said don't worry we would get called for breakfast and then we would be on lock down till 11am. I learnt from another prisoner that lockdown was locked in our cells.

It was a good wing to start off on to be honest as that morning a couple of other first timers arrived and some regulars too. It was scary but also a type of community began to form. We all talked and formed bonds that, well, for me defiantly, took. me through my time in jail. All ages, all offences and each wing had one long timer on who helped us all learn the basics, the what to do’s and what not to do’s. There was an element of “who not to talk too going on “ which I took with a pinch of salt.... I wasn't niece enough to know politics/grudges were not rife in prison.

That first day I cried in my cell. I made lifelong friends, I ate the worst food imaginable and I laughed. Yep I actually laughed .... a group of 6 of us were sat around the eating area and something was said and we all laughed then looked at each other as though no-one was quite sure if that was allowed or right (new timers ) ....even the officer on duty shouted across the room. “This is prison you shouldn't be laughing” it was only when he started laughing that we realised he was laughing with us.

In the 5 weeks I remained in jail for breaking my bail, so until I had my next court hearing, I moved wings 3 times. Due to being on a mental health ACCT I was in single cells each time. I personally preferred that as I needed to hide at times from the noise and “life in jail” atmosphere. Others much preferred to have cellmates and each to their own.

When people ask me how was jail I normally answer with “Well it was ok , it wasn't shocking bad”. and this is generally correct. I wasn't attacked or bullied, I wasn't treated like shit by staff. We ate well if we choose too eat full on stooge everyday lol. The other parts that I don't talk so much about..... well that I think until this point ive shared with a handful of people , is the overwhelming loneliness, the lack of suitable medication available (due to concerns regarding trading meds, so some meds were completely banned) just so happened these were two of my main meds so I suffered.My daughters birthday happened whilst I was in jail and this was incredibly hard to deal with as her father refused to let them visit, me being in jail was the ultimate control he could have ever wanted. The first 10 days I had to wait for my calling numbers to be approved and this meant I couldn't call people although my mental health team did arrange that I got my best friends number approved and £2 credit put on my Canteen - (the jail credit system) as my money hadn't arrived from the outside. Ninety nine percent of staff were friendly, approachable and non judgemental but like anywhere the other one percent let staffing down. I was on lockdown for 72 hrs twice. first time was because I had a sickness bug so rightly so your put on cell lockdown so its not passed around prison.2nd time I was wrongly put on lockdown and despite telling the guard who did it I shouldn't be as I hadn't been unwell in 2 weeks it was only till my mental health team paid me a unannounced visit that staff realised they had put the wrong person on lockdown. This may not seem like much but when your in jail and the highlight of any day is the unlocked door ....30 plus hrs on wrongly assigned lockdown turned me slightly unstable and it was during this point they also moved me from the “welcome wing” and into a new wing. This wing I can only describe as a submarine in disrepair. I was in a tiny single cell with no shower or closed off toilet. Inmates who were assigned this cell had to use a communal shower which was inhabitable, and yes I went days without a shower. My toilet was behind a small two foot wall and I was clearly in line sight of anyone walking past the door, closed or not, as my eye hole (as I called in) wouldn't close. THIS was most defiantly an old, un updated part of the prison. It was exactly how a innocent me believed prison would be like! My mental health went dramatically downhill and it was in this cell that I first tried to take my life. I made and used a ligature and despite being on 8 min watch, I managed to ligature myself against the desk chair. A member of staff was called by another prisoner who had walked past and seen me through the eye hole. I heard alarms and felt the ligature being cut off . That evening I was on 3 min watch and as such they might as well have just not moved all night. My mental health care coordinator visited and declared me at risk of myself. No change then. I discussed how depressed I had been feeling since the change of cell and that things like my lack of a shower or a working phone meant I could self soothe by calling my best friend or children. This was seemingly took into consideration and the next day I was moved to my final cell. This was more like the welcome wing although twice the size (the wing not my cell).

Sadly the last couple of weeks got harder for me in many ways, I seemed to have rubbed up a repeat visitor who took offence to my ‘posh voice’ and this became a very touchy issue. I can only describe it in the manner that she took an instant dislike to me and let me know about it. I was lucky that I had made ‘close’ friends from the start and a few of those followed me onto my final wing and during unlocked points I stayed close to them and didn't feel scared, more trepidatious as to why me. Lock up she went through a few days of screaming about killing the posh bitch which not gunner lie made me kinda glad the guards locked the bloody doors!! During this time I also couldn't contact my children as unbeknown to me their dad had told the prison system to ban my children phone numbers from my calling list. This broke me. I can't come close to being able to explain how this made me feel. What was the point ? what did I have to live for now ? I had made sure my chilren had been aware that I was in jail because id done something wrong but they were also of an age where they knew why I had done what I had done. They had been brought up to believe people in jail were there because they were nasty or dangerous and I then had to explain how its not always that simple.... it was hard to maintain those values and morals that id brought my children up with too explaining why I was in the situation I was in.

That night I waited till I had been checked on and I ligatured myself and placed a carrier bag over my head which I tied tight with the 2nd ligature. I blacked out. I came round to a room full of prison officers and medics and vomited on a medics shoes. I was told by a guard they had called code blue, which means prisoner suspected not to be breathing.

I was put on constant watch from that point for the next 48 hrs. I could feel myself giving up on everything. I needed to call my best friend at least twice a day and he became my lifeline. I realised that out of everyone in my life he actually cared. He even arranged a visit. he was the only person who did. He was down as my next of kin and presumed he had been informed regarding the incident but it was only upon leaving jail that I realised he hadn't been informed at all. Jail life was just that ... jail life. it wasn't nice. it was scary, it was lonely and it was demoralising. I was in jail for breaking my bail NOT for my actual sentence so I had to worry about what I was going to get in court for my actual sentence. I had to prepare myself that it could have been up to 7 years for the offence I was charged. I had to hear from other offenders who had been sent down for similar and In jail everyone is a professional when it comes to ‘what you might get’ sentence wise !! I started to prepare myself that if I got up to 2 yrs , possibly 3 id cope somehow. If I got more id end my life in jail.

Cut to court. I received a community sentence of a tag and curfew and probation and victim surcharge for my crime. I remember driving to court on my sentencing date in the prison van doing all these weird obsessive things which meant good luck to me. so for example , if I looked at the sun rising once I had to do it 4 times then not again, if I caught sight of it again...the pattern repeated itself. If I itched my nose once I had to do it 4 times, when I arrived at court and was in the holding cell I had to have an even amount of cups of coffee and visits to the toilet otherwise it was bad luck. It was emotionally and physically draining. My solicitor came to see me in the holding cell and with my barrister told me I was facing a higher charge than before, of intent , instead of reckless behaviour. My barrister at this point told me I was looking at 7 years. As it turned out the judge wanted to know more about the offence that had preceded mine and the background reasons for my offence and postponed sentencing. my solicitor asked for bail not believing for one min I would get it but the judge awarded it with a curfew and tagging system. I was allowed to leave the court. This was absolutely not what anyone was expecting and I don't think it hit me until my friend was driving me back to his after court. The thing is you don't just leave jail and that's it.... your head stays in jail for a long time even once home. I thought id sleep like an angel but alas this was not the case. I still have occasional nightmares of doors slamming and being locked up even 6 months down the line from leaving jail.

Court date passed and as I stated I received probation.

Then the almost harder part started. Coming to terms with what id gone through. rebuilding bridges, admitting where I had been as I just disappeared and only wrote to a handful of people when inside, I refused to hide it, I shared it along with the mental health issues id always been open and honest about. This blog is only the 2nd time ive voiced everything that happened in jail. once to my best friend , now partner, and on this blog.

I will take this experience like I did the mental health struggles , and share and use in a productive manner. I will take this knowledge and I will share with others to help and support individuals who may need it.

Im not proud of my conviction.

But there were reasons that led up to my breakdown and subsequent offence.

The hardest part....undoubtably the earthquake that shattered a perfect relationship with my children which I'm still rebuilding and repairing and will be for a while.

Am I glad I didn't die in jail. Yes now. Ill use it to educate and support others.

#no judgement #mental heath support #mentalhealthmatters #jail #prison #womeninprison #bpd #bpdmisadventures #futurefocused #education #criminology career #teenagers #sex crimes #rape #friends #supportive #lifeafterjail

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