#in other news do I ever shut up?

[potato-cerealkiller]

10 characters | 10 fandoms | 10 a negotiable number of tags

tagged by @zukoisblorbo :)

Damian Wayne. dc. i am an absolute sucker for human weapons who learn to be more than their past. the fact that his character development is imperfect and riddled with human mistakes makes me so insane. i just love that his palatability is seperate from his relative moral soundness, he isn’t a perfect abuse victim and i just love it. 10/10 he spins on my blorbo lazy susan a lot.

Bronya Zaychik. honkai impact. this was an og og fandom for me, but i do still love her. the supposed ‘lack of emotions’ she exhibits is very relatable to me as someone who probably has some form of alexithymia, the fact that she is nonetheless accepted by her friends and is portrayed as a complete human being just gets me so bad. also fits into the human weapon archetype <333.

Ranpo Edogawa. bungou stray dogs. i just adore him! similar situation to bronya where he isn’t told he has to fundamentally change himself to have a loving support system. his flippancy towards extraneous things like adult responsibilities, and his inability to understand the reasoning behind social conventions does remind me of myself at times. but as aforementioned, my favourite part of his character is probably that individuality doesn’t have to be sacrificed for success or respect! maybe i will catch up on the recent chapters some time…

Chongyun. genshin. social masking allegory and legacy character… i have a similar approach to fielding my emotions, and while I don’t have a decades long legacy to live up to, I find the way he has to navigate succession in his own way very interesting. he was also my first main, so!

Wanda Maximoff. marvel. similar thing to damian in the fact that she is an imperfect person who does not have an idyllic path to redemption and heroism. she’s messy and desperate, but that doesn’t make her undeserving. kind of love the position she’s in right now where she just has this quiet wisdom from all she’s been through. scarlet witch (2016) also has a special place in my heart for the second comic i ever read (shout out to the runaways for being the first).

Andromache. the old guard. immortals!!! love examining the impact of time on personhood, as in a ridiculously prolonged span of time, and boy is she fascinating. she’s completely jaded at this point, and only really existing rather than living. she almost becomes a product of time rather than an entity born from its passing. it’s just so interesting to see a character so entirely devoted to a cause through obligation, because what else can she do?, the only thing she remembers is how to fight.

Fushiguro Megumi. jujutsu kaisen. i love how much of a deranged mess he is. watching him have to unlearn his suicidal tendencies was so fucking interesting. he has this cool arrogance to him that makes him eminently unlikeable, but he is still a fundamentally good person at his core. for some reason my memory really failed me here? so not much to say, but I remember liking him.

Xie Lian. tgcf. innately good person despite his trauma! i love characters like this and i thought him fighting a literal manifestation of his past, more selfish self, was a fun way to signify his growth.

Homura Akemi. madoka magica. one of my childhood favourites. i watched this series at age seven and it probably severely impacted my psyche. her loneliness turned obsessive attachment and love is utterly heartbreaking to me. her unquestionable and desperate devotion to madoka is just. agghhh. the way that she needs her so intensely that she’s willing to sacrifice her personhood, the universe itself. ultimate blueprint for toxic yuri 10/10.

Boris Pavlikovsky. the goldfinch. he’s a lot of things but a mentally stable person is not one of them. i find the line he walks between total self annihilation and self preservation very interesting. he represents this kind of pseudo-eternal youth, he always commits to extremes. he doesn’t ever ‘overdo’ it but more because it would hinder his ability to live tomorrow rather than because of any adverse health effects. the fact that he is such an optimist at his core despite everything is just a fascinating contradiction.

tags if anyone wants to do this >>>> @sejaprune @calithilan @sizzlemourner @gladiikal

#in other news do I ever shut up? #no. #I don’t think anyone follows me because I’m stoic though

[ghostlyheart]

Coffee and you

Maggie and Nina in Good Omens Season 2

#good omens 2 #good omens spoilers #maggie/nina #vinylatte #wlwsource #there comes a special time in every young girl's life where she slams her laptop shut and gives up on trying to achieve consistent coloring #such a magical day #this is the hardest thing I've ever tried it took me like. 5 days #my problem is that when I start a new hobby I want to be good right away rather than going through the process of actually learning #but doing this taught me a lot!! it's not perfect but I'm glad I did it anyway #also if anyone can tell me the source of that quote I would be eternally grateful I cannot find it ANYWHERE other than tumblr #it's a very Tumblr quote but maggie and nina's relationship is deliciously tropey in such a fun way I felt like it fit #ghostlygifs

[thetarttfuldickhead]

From the 2020 Ted Lasso Emmy FYC campaign, or, the only thing that can make season 1 Roy stop insulting Trent:

"'It's because of pricks like you,' he explained to me after Richmond's last-gasp win against Watford on Saturday, reprising his prior description of yours truly -- to my face -- as a colossal prick."

"When I asked him hypothetically, what he would think of not featuring in the first team, Kent replied, 'Hypothetically, if I punched both of your eyes out and stuffed them up your arse, and then told you to walk on your hands, hypothetically, what would you think of that?'"

and actually answer a question is the chance to talk shit about Jamie:

”He doesn’t understand the word ’team’,” said Kent after the match. “For him it’s a dirty word. Whearas dirty words for me are ‘Jamie Tartt’.”

"[...] star striker Jamie Tartt -- who Kent also characterized as 'a f*&$ing prick, even worse than you'."

"[...] if you want to work your way into my 'eart you take, you take Jamie Tartt off the pitch before 'alf time."

"People say fans are there for Tartt, which I find a very depressing thing to hear."

#old news yes but i wanted it on my blog #and don't expect i'll ever find the old posts with it that must exist #and i figure that maybe other newcomeers like me might have missed it? #for lack of new tl stuff i'll go digging up the old #there's some really great stuff down the mines #i am extremely here for roy kent being unable to shut up about jamie tartt #but also being mean to poor (or not so poor) trent trying to do his job #i mean trent was a smug asshole #they were all such messes in season one it was fun! #but there's a bunch of other fun and cute stuff in there #i am exceedingly weak for this sort of tie-in advertising i cannot lie #and generally adore how tl has worked with social media and whatnot #ted lasso social media #trent crimm #roy & jamie #season 1 #old stuff #jamle tartt #roy kent

[pandoratheprocrasticreator]

im sure when luz has her inevitable mental breakdown in the next two episodes it will be her mom or eda and king who comforts her and helps her complete her character arc where she realizes Not Everything Is Her Fault, Actually. either that or the entire main cast is going to somehow show luz that she’s been a positive influence in their lives. and luz will be inspired to defeat belos with the power of friendship or whatnot. or amity or hunter will have something to do with it, though if they’re a part of it, the rest of the main cast probably will too bc i don’t see why they would be the only ppl there at the climax of luz’s character arc and not eda, king, and camila.

but what i would have really liked would be if when luz is at her lowest point the person to encourage and inspire her was willow. they haven’t touched on these two’s relationship since season 2 so they probably won’t go this direction but i think narratively it would come circle. willow was the first friend luz ever made. she introduced her to other kids their age and basically kickstarted luz’s relationships with her other peers. without willow, luz never would have gone to hexside and learned about witch society and magic. or at least, she wouldn’t have gotten as much experience with it if she just stayed with eda all the time. without willow, luz definitely wouldn’t have met amity, gus, or even hunter probably. from their adventures with their friends, luz and willow have both matured. and while willow is doing a lot better than how she was at the start of the show (though there are still parts of her character i think they should have explored more in s2), luz is suddenly doing a lot worse.

at the start of the show, luz helped willow gain confidence in herself and discover who she wanted to be. i think at the end of the show, it would be nice if willow helped luz do the same

#toh #the owl house #shut up pandora #luz noceda #willow park #listen to me #listen #i care about their friendship so much #dana robbed us of more willow episodes in season 2 #no im not talking about the shortening im talking about s2a #i know they had to introduce like 8 new plot threads but let my girl hang out in the background please! #i didnt mention him but gus too! #willow was luz's first ever friend and gus was luz's second #theyre so important to each other and im so sad the show and the fandom dont focus on it as much as i want them to #we love a good emerald trio but what about the og hexside trio #anyway i do think that willow park

[eddis-not-eeddis]

Dealing with newcomer's embarrassment gets easier if you are surrounded by people you have no respect for.

#oh this other professional saw me do something stupid that messed up my paperwork? #but she does shady things worse than the mistake i just made on purpose to make a buck #oh i just said something dumb to my boss #give him a few hours and he'll say something even dumber to me #oh no the guy who has been working at this job for twenty years just saw me make a rookie mistake #agony abounds but he just did six other things a lot worse than I did all in one day so i'll live with it #oh no the manager is a little disappointed with my performance? #so what he's a pushover and he won't say or do anything about it anyway i'll do better next time #oh no my one coworker hates my guts #she hate's everyone else's guts too and literally never shuts up about it #i'm not special #it sounds kind of depressing--and it can be #but i have a lot of affection for these people regardless of their issues #i just don't really let my failures around them bother me too much anymore because i honestly don't care what these people think of me #i'm not going to make the same mistakes ever again #but i don't have to let this stuff keep me up at night because i did something wrong #if i'm not going to go to them for advice why do i care what they think about me? #it was something that i realized a few months ago and ever since it's made things a LOT easier to deal with #plus #these people aren't dwelling on my failures either #they all have their own stuff going on #yeah they might harp on it for a while bit new things will come up and eventually they forget #they aren't thinking about me that much anyway #XD

[uwulouis]

.

#can someone who wears glasses everyday #like confirm for me that changing the frames is the most stressful thing ever #ndjfdsk like i wanted to change them so bad and i got new ones and now im like #i don't want to leave my house NFSDMLK #it's not that i don't like them i think they're very cute i just #idk i wore the other ones for so long #i feel like people are gonna look at me and be like omg what is that girl doing... #hey those aren't her glasses at all!!! she's trying to change aesthetics hey! hey you who do you think you are!!! #also fell over on the bus the other day #so my self esteem has hit rock bottom ffknsdf #shut up laura

[supercantaloupe]

earlier tonight my roommates were talking about the halloween party they're planning in a couple weeks (i will be out of town) and since the convo went towards "party supplies needing to be purchased" one of my roommates mentioned that she had the present she's planning on getting me for my birthday in her digital shopping cart already and then made a little mischievous face at me. and like it's sweet i suppose but my idea of "celebrating" my birthday is basically acting like it doesn't exist cause i'm kind of...uncomfortable with receiving Direct Praise And Attention especially for things i don't think are worth it (for example, Existing Another Year). at any rate my idea of the perfect gift this year would be Not being stuck in rehearsal until 10pm that night but that will certainly not be the case so whatever

#other roommate also kept asking me for the date and i almost weaseled my way out of giving it to her but alas. persistent she was #the most 'celebrating' i ever do (if i do Anything actually For the occasion) is just. a nice dinner out somewhere with my mom #and if there's a good show playing nearby we'll go to see it #but that's no more special than any other occasion really. we'll just do that if the schedule permits anyway once or twice a year #(also my parents usually insist on like. getting me a new skirt or something but much as i love them my wardrobe is full enough as it is #at this point haha. i'm more comfortable anyway receiving gifts for holidays like hanukkah or Just Because than for my bday specifically #cause then it doesn't feel like it's just About Me. y'know. anyway) #'so does this mean your birthday is coming up soon 👀?' no and shut up i've never aged a day in my life. i was never born. etc #i wanna talk about me

[fatal-blow]

every time i talk about this stuff I'm reeling with the sheer amount of knowledge and how to convey it to the average layperson

but really if i could sum up everything I've learned about muscles, myofascial pain, and hypermobile, it's this:

start practicing how to do things with the least amount of muscles as possible.

#efficiency is key #the other thing i would say to sum it up is that yours pain is from a million causes that are all the same cause. #like listen. i used to not be able to stand without being in agony. now i just stand around sometimes. #no offense to the professionals (lie) but i know more than they do #i might just be the best physiotherapist you'll ever meet and i am not saying that because i am overconfident #im saying that because even the rheumatoid physiotherapy specialists couldn't keep up #shout out to chelsea tho she's been by far the closest #and also has gotten me hundreds of dollars of mobility aids for free uwuuwu #fatals physio corner #new tag because i guess im not shutting up about this #ill go back and tag the other shit

[widevibratobitch]

.

#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa #something is Wrong lol #i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡 #and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches #all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now #but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit #and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on #to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back #like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend #i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect #i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back #but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms #or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations #or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings #or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af #because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff #im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility #i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn #but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself #and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc #i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself #and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it #i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do #i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it #and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person #<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation #of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡 #like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT

[neverendingford]

.

#tag talk #watching/listening to criminal minds while patching a pair of jeans. #and idk. I really hate sounding like a quirky special not like other girls snowflake lock tumbler #but like. idk when you've learned to hide all the weird things about you that unsettle other people it's weird to see them called out #learning what parts of yourself to hide to appear normal. learning how to create your mask to blend in with society. #idk. having a not-unintelligent someone tell me recently I sound like a sociopath and that they're a little worried about being around me? #that kind of fucks me up. having my roommate tell me he locks his door at night because he's afraid of me at night. #idk. I'm on new mood stabilizers and I do feel the chemical restraint part of it. the suppression of a part of myself. #it's just that the part it's suppressing is a part I've tried to kill for a very long time. #the harm isn't about pain it's about suppressing energy. it's about shutting down the uncontrollable part #idk we'll see how the meds pan out long term. Hopefully I feel more normal on it. #I don't feel like the suppression is shutting down something that is myself. I feel like it's shutting down an intrusive parasite. #this isn't a part of me I've ever wanted to be. I hate being the clown. I hate being the goof. the quirky idiot #I feel better when I'm more calm. I'm more controlled. I can control the part of me that feels compelled to do weird shit. #idk. I don't like being a freak. I don't like being a nutjob. I can handle having a part of me being cold as long as it's controlled. #we'll see.

[shirtlessradfahrer]

hi sorry I disappeared for like two weeks but I was overwhelmed with the news that there's a significant chance I may be on the autism spectrum (and possibly have a nice side helping of adhd) which if true has a fuckton of implications for how poorly many, many things throughout my life have played out, so needless to say I am not doing very well

(and by that I mean I was mostly crying on and off for days, and then cried some more when I realized it will cost thousands if I want to get a proper assessment done and I'm not confident my insurance would cover all of it, and also depending on how much my hours continue to be cut this month I may not even have said insurance for much longer at all hahahaha)

#i'm so angry #thinking of how many adults complained about me and my behaviour growing up but couldn't help me at all #how long have i suffered for no reason #because i wasn't a completely nonverbal boy who liked trains or some shit #...actually i did really like trains but it didn't matter apparently #but learning about all the signs and symptoms in girls/women has felt like getting punched in the gut over and over #and all the absolute worst of my childhood and teenage years has rushed back to me with new context #and i'm so fucking angry and sad and upset #and now my mom is angry af too because she took me to a psychologist in complete desperation when i was like five #because i couldn't control my emotions for shit once i was home from school #i would just flip tf out and throw stuff around my room and be incapable of saying anything until i had completely calmed down #and this was happening on a regular basis and she didn't know what tf to do #and while at school i couldn't make eye contact or advocate for myself and again i just shut down completely if i was too stressed or upset #and several other things #and the psychologist was basically like lol idk what's wrong with her but you probably just need to be a better mother :) #just slightly more professionally #NO ONE ever mentioned the possibility of autism to her #and i feel like some of these things have...worsened when i'm at work but i couldn't figure out why i was having so much difficulty #and why i felt so drained after even a short shift #but then reading about masking hit me like a fucking freight train #and apparently my brother’s girlfriend-who was officially diagnosed a few years ago-suspected it when she first met me?? #but idk what to do now bc i have an doctor's appointment next week #and i feel like i should bring it up because i hate just self-diagnosing #but even if i somehow managed to pay for an assessment (lmao) i don't feel like my doctor's going to take it seriously #considering he's been our family doctor since my birth #and apparently couldn't be bothered to take my mom's concerns that seriously back then either #jfc I’m rambling again don’t look at me

[medicinemane]

I get very tired of dealing with people who are so busy being "practical" that they're just totally prescriptive

I tend to be, I think, a fairly pragmatic person. Like most years I spend about... maybe $50 on myself for the whole year (this year is going to be a bit higher, but there's also specific utility to what I'm spending it on). I tend to not bother buying myself snacks, cause I know I'm mostly hungry, and if I'm hungry real food is a better deal (I sadly tend to fail to get ahold of the real food either)

My point is that I tend to be very goal oriented (not in a ladder climbing way, in a I set goals and then work towards them kinda way), I tend to be very focused on what will push my situations into being sustainable, I tend to look for high efficiency, low cost, long term solutions

I was... I was talking to that friend I'll say is Dr Jekyll and Mr Dumbass (I was more trying to talk to my dad, but they were both there). It was definitely Mr Dumbass today

For one thing, he was already saying a bunch of really fucking dumb shit where... it's so stupid I'm not even going to repeat it, where it's like the answer for why we don't do that is because it's obviously a moronically stupid idea on top of being immoral, and also totally ineffective you dipshit

So I already wasn't in the mood for him

Then, while talking about visiting my grandma, I mention how in order to start cooking I need sharp knives, none of my knives are sharp (cause my mom's a fool and dulls them all), and how it would really help if I could just take a knife from my grandma since she doesn't cook anymore and just... keep it as my personal knife that I keep sharp

(I can't do this, cause my grandma is... bug fuck crazy, and legit believes that if you gift someone a knife they'll kill people with it which like... where do you even get that idea, like she has literally said before that she'd give money to buy a knife but wouldn't give one as a gift... what?)

Anyway, Mr Dumbass starts going on about how I can just buy a new knife, and it's like no... in your quest for objective practicality you've lost all pragmatism

I don't need to buy a new knife, I need to learn to sharpen knives which... which I just have a bit of a block on cause I've had trouble figuring out how to sharpen stuff so far (I've come to suspect that which of the hard and soft stones you use first and second isn't intuitive and I've been trying to hone with the sharpening stone and sharpen with the honing stone)

Like... to get mean for just a slight moment, shut your fool mouth, you've got more money than I've ever even touched, and while you were poor at one point when you were younger you've clearly forgot, and not everyone can just buy stuff

Also you're saying a bunch of dumb shit tonight with such confidence and it's pissed me off

He's capable of being a very very smart and compassionate person, and then other times he's a damn fool, and far too often he... he talks about practicality without actually understanding how to be practical

Being practical requires working in the confines of reality

...I don't know, I don't think I have all the words I need to explain what I'm saying, but the point is he's annoyed me and people who act like him annoy me where it's like... nothing matters in the end other than if you actually solve something

You can talk all day about what someone "should do", but what matters is what they will do

So it gets frustrating talking with my family with him cause he has all this ideas where it's like... that functionally won't work, and like some of his great ideas are how I can just wait for my grandma to die and get the knife then and it's like... yeah... but I need a knife now dummy, and I have knives, and which is more useful?

Dropping a pretty penny on a new knife, or finishing learning a skill I really fucking need badly and that makes it so I can sharpen things for next to free forever?

...I'm just tired of having to do everything myself and getting no help, that's all. How about you shut your fucking mouth, stop trying to offer advice that's worse than my plans I'm already slowly turning the gears on making happen, and just let me bitch about my idiot relatives?

Laughing at this fool antics when he chooses to do that, legitimately is more helpful than any attempts to help

#last two paragraphs are things that sadly a lot of people could learn #sometimes you need to shut your mouth and just listen #and this is why I have my no advice without action policy #if the rolls were reversed; I'm not willing to suggest someone buy a knife unless I'm willing to pay for it #most I'll ever do is something like say 'Just wondering if this is something you've already tried' #like know someone who go hacked here; and I just asked if they're running two factor authentication now cause if not it might help #like that's the outside amount of advice I'm willing to offer without action #because it acknowledges that they may have already thought of it; and it more just tries to float an option than it does suggest shit #honestly... I think I'd be less annoyed if it was like 'what about buying a new knife?; rather than 'you should buy a new knife' #advice in the form of a question makes for a dialogue rather than dictation #lets the other person just explain why something won't work if they've already considered it #like in this case... money; way rather just sharpen shit and get to spend money on food instead of a knife #like... this is the crux of what I complain about with my grandma; that groceries are my number one desire with money #are you my grandma? suggesting that I just flippantly spend money once it becomes something you'd want to spend it on? #...and the answer honestly is that yeah that's usually how people are #they can laugh off wasting money on shitty over priced clothes; but when it's what they like spending on that's what everyone should do #...maybe I fail at it; but I try not to do that #try to just be a back up to people and support them in whatever matters to them #and once again; only offer advice when I'm actually willing to do something like drop the money on getting them the thing I think they need #eh... I don't want to share the other dumb shit he was saying cause... dear god #edgy stoned dipshit talk; you know? #framed as actionable policy #good guy; helped me move shit up (I mostly needed a driver) but... utter fucking ass too much of the time #there's reasons we're not closer

[shima-draws]

JVKE’s this is what ___ feels like album has me feeling some sort of way

#I'm usually not one to get into more modern artists. BUT. #Holy shit.........his music makes me feel shit. Like FEEL it really feel it #It's genius actually. A story told on 4 parts. Connected through other songs. The stages of falling in and out of love #It's heartbreaking. It's fucking heartbreaking actually #The fact that this is what heartbreak feels like comes RIGHT after golden hour?? Shut up. Shut UP THAT HURTS ME #golden hour is deadass the most gorgeous song I've ever heard in my fucking life I can't even express the emotions I feel listening to it #It's beautiful. It's whimsical. It's magical. It captures such a specific feeling and time of day. Time of YEAR even #It's a song about love and how in awe he is of the person he loves and it's perfect and soft and. golden hour. Yeah. That's it. #And then. THEN WE FUCKING GET TO THE NEXT SONG AND IT'S LIKE #All that buildup of what falling in love is like.....what it's like to be in love to love someone to treasure them to feel FEEL for them #And then we get hit with betrayal. It's bitter. It hurts. And you can feel that in the song too #Ugh ugh UGH how does he do it. The whole album is a story from start to finish and it makes me want to cry #Falling in love...heartbreak...sadness...and then. #Acceptance. Moving on. Falling in love with someone new. AHGHH #It really reminds me of The Last Five Years bc that has the same sort of concept #A story of love told through song. Falling in love to falling out of love... #LOVE HURTS!! THIS ALBUM HURTS ME IN ALL THE BEST WAYS. #Shima speaks #Anyway go listen to this is what ___ feels like right now. Do it

[tellmegoodbye]

me at 15k: I promise I am almost done

me at 17k: I am definitely nearly done

me at 20k: just a little more, then I'll be done

me at 23k: so close...certainly the end is in sight

me now: WHEN WILL IT END 😭

#in case you're wondering how my night is going #my original prediction for this fic was 13k #THIRTEEN #I have to laugh otherwise I will cry #to be completely honest there genuinely isn't a lot left there's just one section that's giving me hell #I'm trying to not do what I've done with every other fic I have ever written and not rush to the finish #and slow down on the parts I'm struggling with #the good news is I'm really proud of this and once I stop losing my mind over finishing it I will not shut up about it so sorry in advance #I am going to be so annoying when this thing is done #har rambles #the elusive push coda

[twilightarcade]

liar. go sleepy

Im Quite Busy though

#askstag #I do have a headache now though. You're also supposed to go sleepy now. #but there's so many things to do and think about but there's never enough time to do any of it #do you ever think about that #I think a tag is missing here. Smthn about books. #like there might as well be an infinite because new ones are constantly getting written and I'll never read them all. #and that's just books. What about the other art forms? Shows drawings songs movies games etc #I'll never get through them all. Do you think about that at all. Much less will I ever get a chance to /think/ about them all #which is especially terrible #there are so many things to think about did you know #infinite experience and nuance to pick apart with a microscope yet we can't #not in our lifetimes #and there's literally birds outside. So many birds outside. Never going to see absolutely every species them though. Much less the individu #individuality of every bird. do you ever think about that. There are so many things and I just get to have an insignificant little peak at #who cares if that logic makes me insignificant #it doesn't #it places value on all the little individual things #there's what. 8 billion people on this space rock. With interesting lives #yeah no one will say their life is interesting like oh no I'm not interesting I just work as a waiter NO YOU ARE INTERESTING SHUT UP #then there's all the people not on the space rock who also led lives. #stuff is so inherently interesting I should get more time to look at stories and birds and people for free #unfortunately I need to like. Do that life thing. What the hell.

[britneyshakespeare]

So I was back to subbing at the elementary school today, which as I've mentioned is my favorite place to work. In some ways it's just the most comfortable to me; this is now my fourth year in a row I've had some kind of job associated with kids of that age group who attend that school, so I know a lot of the students and faculty. Actually, a lot of the faculty who work there today have been working there since I was a student.

Most of them recognized me immediately when I started showing my face there, like I didn't graduate from there over a decade ago, age 11. There was one para, who now works as a library assistant, but who used to monitor lunch and recess. I didn't remember her name but I knew her face. The first time she saw me subbing she was just like "oh, hi Diana."

I was talking to her this morning before school started because a first grade teacher unexpectedly called out, so I filled in for her for the first hour of the day before I started the job I clocked in for and a replacement could be found. But this library assistant usually leads the morning meetings with this first grade class and would help me with attendance and all those other beginning-of-the-day responsibilities.

She was saying to me "You know, why don't you work here full time? You're good with kids. You'd be good at it." In other small talk we'd had last year she had asked me similar things, like if I'd ever consider taking up a steady job at the elementary school, how my school was going, etc. I'm in between college right now but currently not taking classes. And I mentioned how I'm trying to take more sub jobs at the middle and high school so I get more well-rounded—that actually is the age group my education major is in. I've been working with the preschool-to-fifth-grade age range but my plan has always been middle-to-high school English.

And I was telling her about that, and I was like "You know what? When I tell people I want to teach older kids, some say to me stuff like 'oh you never know, you might change your mind'—and only recently I've been wondering if I really would. But I hate it when they're right!"

And that made her laugh. But it's true! I do really love working with the littles, as it turns out. Been doing it several years now. But in terms of anyone who's ever mentioned that to me unprompted, I wanna be like... hey, what do you know?!?!

#i have complicated feelings about it #my elementary school is a good place to work though. maybe i would be a para or smth full-time. id consider it #tales from diana #it's just. actually no one would ever say that to a man lol. that's probably why that bothers me #altho. i did actually get my one friend to start subbing in the district too. #male friend. my age. does other stuff for work so he doesn't sub as much as i do. #has the same level of education as me but has considered becoming a teacher someday and i was like 'why not try subbing?' #so i sent him the application and then that was that #and he. like a lot of men. doesnt primarily WANT to teach elementary or early childhood. #great news btw. a 5th grade teacher retired at the end of last year and one of the new hires is the first #male classroom teacher this school has had in YEARS. the only other male teacher is the gym teacher. thats SAD #but yeah so i was telling him 'i know u might be intimidated by working w kids but you should really try it' #'you might like it more than you think' #what's funny is tutoring and working in childcare didn't make me feel like i wanted to start teaching younger. at ALL #but subbing around has made me rethink it. but then again it also might just be #i get the most boring ass shit to do when i sub at the middle or high school. #subbing at an elementary school is so much more involved no matter what youre doing #with olders it's like. ok here's your assignment your teacher left you. sit at your desk and shut up #i realize the bias that is at play here making me reconsider my future path lol.