#im starting to have a loooottttt of problems lately :

[loxxxlay]

okay basically i wrote this post last night in a fit of anxiety because im really confused and nervous and u guys always have good advice and a lot of ppl on here ARE neurodivergent and very knowledgeable about their respective mental disorders. i did study psychology for a few years, but the problem is that i have a really hard time diagnosing myself because things are so confusinggg in my brain and im too biased. so i wrote out all my symptoms that are troubling me most right now, and im wondering if anyone could give me ideas on where i should start? (like in getting tested for things):

if i set a goal, i achieve tons of shit adjacent to that goal but not the goal itself. like if i wanna write a story, ill do my homework, write all other stories, etc. if i wanna cook dinner, ill vacuum and clean my cat's literbox and do laundry. making something a goal is a surefire way to make sure it never gets done. so i can never make a real to do list :/

sitting in class, i cant pay attention. if i concentrate fully on what is going on, i zone out. buuuut if i play a mindless game on my phone or sketch my classmates, i suddenly start being able to pay attention

while im talking to someone, my brain goes faster than i can speak. i think of like 50 million topics in a split second and like.. to say One Story, i end up saying 50 stories that are only somewhat related. i interrupt myself to go on tangents and forget what i was saying in the first place :/

i cant do my homework until the morning before its due and i keep (responsibly, at least) skipping classes to extend due dates when i cant squeeze all the workload in

i have a lot of trouble doing things (like eat dinner) because i wanna, for example, eat, sleep, and shower all at the same time and i get stuck on which is more important and/or what order i should do them. i end up staying put and scrolling tumblr for 5 hours instead

if i do manage to get myself to do something, which is rare (homework, writing, etc.), i get so obsessed with it that i cant do anything else, including food or bathroom, until the task is Done. there is no such thing as reading a book in daily increments, for example. it either happens all in one day or it doesnt happen at all

i literally forget what im doing WHILE im doing it. i keep forgetting to check my balance AS I'M LITERALLY TYPING IN MY BANK PASSWORD. like how hard is that??? why am i so distracted??? this goes for responding to messages too. i keep getting messages asking if im mad because i just keep forgetting to respond to ppl :/

i also keep forgetting common words that i should know. like "spoon." they just vanish and reappear at will.

i will never in my life remember someone's name. im maxed out on the amount of names i can memorize.

my hearing is exceptionally good to the point where i freak ppl out by what i can hear. but most times when ppl speak, especially strangers, i dont understand a word they say. sometimes they sound like theyre speaking french tbh. and i miss 50% of what goes on in movies without subtitles. this happens less when im not anxious.

last week when i forgot my anxiety meds, i realized i was swinging back and forth in my chair, flapping my hands, and tapping my feet and Literally No One Else Was Moving O.O i noticed because of social anxiety (like what are ppl thinking of mee) but now that im back on meds, im noticing its still a thing? and who knows for how long :/

i put off a lot of tasks too.. like scheduling therapy or checking my email. like... its hard enough to keep my work/school schedule together. and it feels like everything else is slipping through a sieve

so yeah, basically diagnose me please lmao. xD like should i worry i have a brain tumor with the memory problems or should i assume mental illness. and if so, which should i get tested for first? theres so much overlap and my mom has made me doubt myself on everything. :/ so i need some advice. like is all this normal? i have straight A's despite these problems, and though it sucks to not be able to write most days... im not like... always unable to write. but honestly for the past year (since i started university again), its getting worse and worse :/ i wanna make sure i dont hit my limit and trigger a huge major depressive episode again

note: my mom does have bipolar disorder but every psychologist ive ever had has confirmed that i do not... even though im still unsure >.> because im an anxious tangle

#im starting to have a loooottttt of problems lately :/ #like #im losing control of everything #ever since i started going for my major #its freakin me outt #and the overlap makes thinfs so difficult to know which disorder i have #and my mom got into my head and makes me doubt myself on whether im making this shit up #but ughhhh #im shbwjzjziwowkdieiejej #lox talks personal #tw mental illness #lox whines #long post

[violenceeisgolden]

Tmi/tw/an update

Had such strong cravings for alcohol/such strong urges to say "fuck my health, I'm already fucked, lets fucking lose all this weight you gained in recovery, buy some adderall and vodka and allllll the opiates in the world and at least enjoy however many shitty yrs you have left" except like ???? Okay, so my private insta kept !! Getting !! Fucking deleted !! Idk why, like yeahh i bitch about my drug problems and my mental illness but i have never shared a triggering picture? Meanwhile all these accts with people fkn shooting up are still up? Huh what a concept So anyway, i was thinking of making a side blog. Or i could just vent on here i guess but posting on my side blogs sounds safer. Damn. Been out of the Tumblr world for a while now. Anyway, since it's quite clear that I don't care about a fkn thing anymore... lemme give you all a lil update on the joke that is my life. This one's gonna be EPIC. So. Uh. First things first... I made it five days without any form of any opiate in my system. I did not eat anything in those 5 days. (Wanna lose weight?! Just get addicted to painkillers and develop crohns, then quit your painkillers cold turkey!!! You'll drop 10 lbs in a week!) I did not keep many fluids down, aside from the days when i was in the hospital. I was shitting and puking blood by the fourth day, because my body had nothing left in it to get out. I still smell like the stench of withdrawal - aka, overpowering body odor, desperation, sadness, guilt... etc. On the fourth day, my "stool" was nothing but black and blood.. I knew my potassium was low, not including sodium, etc. Was starting to get chest pains. Blah blah blah. IST was acting up. Whatever. I knew I had no choice but to go to my shitty hometown clinic (and... yeah i hate NOTHING more than that fucking place). Luckily, I got this cool 1st shift dr who appreciated my extensive knowledge of my esophageal and colonic conditions. She also gave me morphine. But I mean, 4mg through an IV is like... nothing. But.. that fucking rush. Whenever I get IV narcotics in hospitals, it's a nice reminder for me to forever stay tf away from needles. Anywhoooo Moving along. So i got some fluids/potassium, two of my veins are dead now (not even bc of drug use, as i stated above.. legitimately because I've had one too many IVs placed or wtf ever) so they had to stick me a million and one times and i was like :))))) yeahhhh keep causing more pain guys because ya know. I can just fucking take it obviously!!! And then.. this bitch drops the bomb that i realllyyyyy have been hoping was NOT true for like... ya know... a fucking year... that... okay fuck it, you guys all know i am a shit person anyway, lets add onto it.. anyway yeah. I have herpes. And my HPV is progressing. Still dunno about those cancerous cells bc no one tells ME ANYTHING but she said i have a severe pelvic infection that is travelling towards my liver. So they're like "lets do a REALLY intense course of antibiotics" and im like ??? Fucking a man im getting mad just writing this all out. Anyway i was like uhm. How tf am i supposed to keep down antibiotics when i CAN'T EVEN KEEP DOWN WATER THAT IS WHY I'M FUCKING HERE JFCCCC. And they were like "yeah we're aware but you legit do not have a choice" bc yeah, don't want my liver to go downhill (I've been such a lil fuck to my drs lately.... could not care less tho bc they deserve my bluntness) so i called my new case worker (she is super chill, super gay, lets me swear and call my drs fuckers as much as i want, which is dope) and basically explained, she said she's gonna try and get me back on subs legally so i can at least nourish myself and keep my health up (ill still be in pain but I'm learning that id rather have my body not slowly dying and be in pain... what a cool sacrifice. I also was like... "Hey yeah no hospital is gonna admit me rn... and my health is worse now than it was in '14 when i weighed 60 lbs less so like... I'm going to use street subs. Or opiates in general. For a few days. So i can get my electrolytes back somehow... also did i mention i have herpes? *bawling ensues* anywhooo... Just thought I'd let you know." And she was like "Fair enough. You need to eat." And i was like okay cool tell my dr and his bitchy nurse that usually replies to my messages bc i do not need anymore fucking stigma rn .. okay? Tyvm" so that was.. that i guess. So yeah. I used. On day 5. And... i didn't even truly fucking want to. That's the worst fucking part of this whole fucked up bullshit... I WANT TO PROVE EVERYONE WRONG AND SHOW THEM THAT I CAN DO THIS. And i could have. If it wasn't for my poor health... i fucking could have. And I'm gonna tell that to my pdoc when I see him. But you know what? I fucking ate. I kept down a loooottttt of liquids. Opiate wds technically cannot kill you. And the thing is... I've been through the "near fatal" ones (booze and benzos)... but I always caught my alcohol dts super fast, got treated and then away i went. But no. Opiate withdrawals will not be dangerous~~~..... to a person who is in decent health. I say decent bc lbs if you're using them either legally or illegally, something is already prob wrong lol. I remember a story that my ex sponsor who is now a good but distant friend (who relapsed, and when she relapsed, we became close lol shes sober now tho dw) told me once about opiate dts... she said one of her friends was so dehydrated, malnourished, etc... that he almost did die. And it took him almost dying for anyone to take him seriously. And, as I was laying in that miserable hospital bed... I remembered that. Opiate wds cannot kill you, but you're gonna wanna a) kill yourself, because it's honestly fucking easier that way (or so your mind will tell you) and b) if you're in poor health... try and find a detox center/hospital that will take you. ASAP. On tuesday... fuck i lost my train of thought... (in other news, i now have a promethazine script and... boy oh boy lol probably the best non naroticc/not scjeduled drug I've ever gotten my grubby lil hands on)... yeah idk that's all I publicly got rn. If you actually read all this... 👀 @ you, Ashley, bc ik you're the only one who reads my shit on here anymore (love you for that, btw 💜)... but yeah if you read this all, you guys are the real MVPs... I'm gonna start using one of my private blogs on here. Mainly because..welll...its fucking private and also really enjoy the fact that i saved the URL "clonqz3pain" so... yeah that's all I got. Hope you all are doing better than me.

#me #tl;dr #tw drugs #tw numbers #opiate withdrawal