#im losing control of everything

[imaginethathaikyuu]

it actually makes me sick to see people share the BDS boycott list but continue to support companies on the list lmao

one of my mutuals just made 3 tweets in a row about getting mcdonalds when a month ago they were making a thread of helpful information, posting the bds list, and tweeting the watermelon emoji

like do you actually give a fuck about whats happening or are you only virtue signaling for retweets? this shit is so fucking mind numbing like im so pissed off and i know im directing my anger at something small retrospectively but how are you going to be a hypocrite in this situation how are you going to pretend to care how are you going to ignore the simple things we’ve been asked to do i want to just scream

when the bare minimum is not supporting corrupt brands, and self proclaimed leftists can’t even do that, how is anything going to change. am i going to be angry for the rest of my life

#it just makes me mad and i need to rant. everything makes me mad #fuck brittany broski too she can choke and lose everything btw #im begging u if u are reading this to seek out important information and share it on twitter tumblr ig facebook. post it on ur stories #i dont care if only 5 people see it thats better than zero. #no one has any excuse to stay silent. I should have spoken up sooner. EVERYONE should have been speaking sooner #i have friends that currently are posting about abortion rights and gun control and lgbtq rights but have shared nothing about palestine. #and it makes me so angry because the only thing we can do is share information and protest. #follow palestinians share their posts. please for the love of god #follow bisan and motaz and hind and other journalists. follow bds. seek out the information

[tibli]

people really act like johndirk murdered their entire family or smth

#homestuck #john egbert #dirk strider #johndirk #dirkjohn #obvs its fine if you dont like it personally #but the amount of VITRIOL i've seen for a ship that is basically harmless is soooooo fucking funny #like oh you're mad? you're mad that the windy boy and the weeaboo boy are holding hands?? that they're kissing??? #that they're having the most homoerotically-charged prank wars known to man??? skill issue tbh #also meat!john needs to come back from the dead and make out sloppy style w ult!dirk. and then kick his ass for being a shithead #tbh tho i prefer like. mostly ignoring hs2 as a whole and choosing to think abt post canon just being like #everyone on earth c finally dealing with all their various emotional issues #and i think dirk and john could actually work rlly well together once their got past their own bullshit #john has a hard time like. understanding people's feelings on anything deeper than surface-level and tends to avoid uncomfortable situation #whereas dirk feels things so strongly and deeply but has problems expressing it in healthy/acceptable ways #john is 'free' to the point that he has unintentionally cut ties w his friends #while trying to deal with the trauma of losing his dad #whereas dirk is grounded but obsessed with keeping everything under control. because control makes things safe #and he had very little safety growing up under the condesce #ok im rambling on what was meant to be a funny post so i'll cut it off there

[gxlden-angels]

I don't know if it's the religious trauma or the dead mom trauma but the conservative christian insistence on not teaching children about their bodies in school and insistence that this knowledge should be private in all circumstances with no exceptions should be seen as suspicious at best and criminally malicious at worst

#but wait there's more #I know this isn't a new hot take or anything #but I have 'periods' without blood cause of medical reasons and every time I get them #I think about my great aunt scoffing at me for admitting Im on birth control before she told me #how until she was maybe 16-18 y/o she thought holding hands with boys she liked would get her pregnant #and I think about being 9 y/o and just losing my mom only to be told a few months later that Im a woman now #I was barely sentient let alone a woman #and with the recent period talk ban in florida #where you can't even discuss periods without getting in trouble before 6th grade #how scared and alone I already was being raised in this cult where everything was hush hush #My dad couldn't teach me about them and my extended family didn't tell me about all of the reproductive conditions we have running thru us #so I barely talked to anyone until I was like 13-14 and so anemic I was blacking out and sleeping 14 hours a day #and no one told me it wasnt normal until then #it's dangerous at best and deadly at worst

[yummycrummy]

How exactly does SR change his batteries? Like is there a grace period before UCR takes over? Or does he just stand in front of a mirror and when he takes them out SR is just in the mirror void coaxing UCR to do the right thing for their family and put in the new ones, also sometimes promising him a dead squirrel or 2 next time he's out. (I love the mental image that in their nightstand is just a stack of fresh batteries in one drawer and roadkill in another that Lesley has the key to in order to stop UCR from gorging himself on "treats") sorry this got a little headcanony at the end I just really love your au.

This is basically how he does it 👇 step by step

He does it every so often 🔋🔋When hes running extremely low on energy he has to switch them out for newer ones

#and he keeps alot of spares in his dresser drawer #also YES for what u said about ucr #idk about the roadkill bit tho- hmmm #because they dont rly switch since sr worries that ucr will like..kill people #he trusts lesley ofc but he does everything he can to not lose control #dont apologize btw!!!! im happy ur so interested dude ❤🥺 #sorry this is slightly crappy too i made this while i was half asleep oogh #my art #dhmisau #smart roy #asks

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sorry im thinking abt death again #because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died #that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from #time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed #i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she #died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way #my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today #for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days #and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt #future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her #last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that #and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving. #sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless #others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club #i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her #stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i #dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my #family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters #probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno. #i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity. #again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a #full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length #unrelated

[theclosetedskeleton]

i genuinely feel sick im fucking crying kosa has a good chance to pass

#EVERYONE I HAVE EVERYTHING I HAVE IS HERE ITS ALL ON THE INTERNET #THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO GENUINELY CARE ABOUT ME ARE HERE MY ENTIRE SAFE SPACE IS HERE #ON THE INTERNET #I WILL HAVE NOBODY IF IM CUT OFF FROM EVERYONE #KOSA CAN ACCESS ALMOST EVERYTHING I HAVE AND TAKE IT FROM ME. I COULD LOSE EVERYTHING #i dont want the government controlling what i interact with i dont want everything to be locked for me i dont want to be fully alone like- #-before i dont want my parents to know everything i do on the internet i dont want censorship on the internet #i dont want the government to take everything from me bc 'this protects you!!!!" it doesn't it makes me want to die #closet rambles again on tumblr

[clockworkbibliophile]

accepted a job in october under the assumption it was remote bc it said it was. flash forward to now and it’s no longer remote and my manager is on my ass about not owning a car too. it’s crazy bc I really did think my financial situation was finally improving, I finally have health insurance, and I was this close to moving to my dream state of california. and now im days away from being fired. if I don’t quit first. the situation with my manager has become so dire that the only thing I can focus on is my job anxiety. I swear i’ve nearly had a heart attack every day since last week. the anxiety over when she’ll fire me or when she’ll find out I don’t live in the location the job is and how this job could’ve been ok if it weren’t for the fact they lied about the remoteness and how desperately afraid I am of her firing me is all consuming. I haven’t eaten in 2 days. I have isolated myself from everyone I love bc I can’t think, can’t focus on anything but how soul crushing and visceral the anxiety is, how it’s eating away at my stomach and my brain and my soul and I don’t know what to do

#if I continue at this job I think I will lose my sanity #only to eventually be fired #if I quit at least I can have some control over the all consuming anxiety #but then no job means no money and no insurance #and I was so close #so close to being able to move out and live in cali #everything hurts and I can’t breathe properly and haven’t been able to breathe or have a stomach that isn’t in knots for over a week #being unemployed wasn’t nearly this anxiety inducing #i’ll have to tuck tail and give up on my dreams of moving out if I quit #but I don’t see another option #I just I just truly hope that this coming job search will be more successful than last time #maybe I can find a retail job that has insurance #im so afraid #this is all my fault #I wish that I knew how to make the right decision

[nordicbananas]

my sinuses hurt. SO MUCH

#my ears are dyingggg #my nose feels weird #MY THROAT IS SO DRY. UGCCGCJGCJGCUG #but it's okay because. catabolic seed by the scary jokes #IF YOU WON'T BE MY VALENTINE. WILL YOU AT LEAST GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT OF SYMPATHY? #oh. I made a silly mistakeee #I've bitten off more than i can takee. #and left hollows in my wake #I'M SAFE. I'M WHOLE. I'VE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL. #MY STRUCTURE'S COMPROMISED #I'M SAFE. IM WHOLE. I'VE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL. #BUT YOUR STILL BATTER AT ALL MY FAULT LINES #AND I WILL PROTECT YOU EVEN IF TO WON'T PROTECT ME TOO #I CAN'T RUN. I CAN'T HIDE. BUT YOU CANT SAY I DIDN'T TRY. #TO RETREAT BACK INTO ME. LIKE A CATABOLIC SEED #I WANT TO DESTROY. EVERYTHING THAT'S MINE! #IF YOU WON'T BE MY VALENTINE. COULD YOU AT LEAST GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT OF SYMPATHY? #I don't care if I'm losing myselfff in the garden of earthly delights #iiiii could drop dead right where i stand iiiii wouldn't minded #iiiiiiiii wouldn'ttttt mindddddd #ough i love that song.. #but is bad luck. really such a crime? #THAT'S THE LINE??? I THOUGHT IT WAS “are these padlocks really worth my time” JGXXJGHXFXHF

[inkmaze]

shaking lawrence gordon round like a bug in a jar

#txt #rewatching saw. again #oghh hes so. hes so. #tightly wound n controlled n losing that control is. mwah #n esp w the details we get from the script like oh man. #i dont like to armchair diagnose esp as a neurotypical but theres smth going on w that man. #isnt there a bit in the script abt his routine (PRINTED) saying shit like. 6am gym. 7am smoothie. etc #n apprentice lawrence adds another layer like oughhhh u lost everything (incl assuming ur marriage bc lack of wedding ring etc) so like #he got out of the bathroom for them but lost them anyway. so turned to apprenticehood (partially bc well. pried over to that thinking) #(during his. recovery) #n like. oughhh lawrence. #hes so. hes soooo. #the movie + the script u rlly do get a sense of how much he values his sense of control. even if its not. what he wants? #eg the cheating stuff ohhh my god #anyway. lawrence im tapping the screen i wanna study u like a bug #n the bit james wan said in the commentary about him n adam switching roles (calming vs stressed etc) throughout the movie oughh #<- extremely simplified but waghh

[gazelessmenagerie]

( is it too much to lightly throw the idea that each time I have to throw earth #whatever once broly goes ballistic, that's essentially a timeline where that DOES happen instead of the 'soft reboot' that occurs bc I can't necessarily have earth be destroyed cause RP land etiquette for the other folks I write with. sdfjg )

#|| Tag: OOC #(... it just hit me bc I don't necessarily WANT to pretend him being an uncontrolled force of anger is meaningless ) #( when he's pushed to the brink of losing that control but I dont want to step on peoples toes or seem like im godmodding it ) #( like i do what I can to make sure he doesn't reach that point but ah.. ;w; it cant be helped in some cases ) #( so I'm just kinda pushing it to my own narrative that each time a timeline gets fucked up that bad. it just kinda “ends” there ) #( and the focus shifts towards either another Timeline where Broly DIDN"T do that thing and kill everyone/everything. ) #( so in short.. its like having a trial and error where there's at least one timeline of things going better ) #( but its not pretty and broly has a 90-99% rate of destroying shit bc he's an awful person. ) #( its why it kinda helps if he has people who can effectively calm him down but even they can't help him when hes lost his marbles complete

[ozlices]

my mom has repeatedly dismissed the idea that she has favorites between us, and yet earlier this year she literally admitted to my face that she's prioritized my abuser over me bc she's 'going through worse stuff'.

and constantly. fucking CONSTANTLY i have to hear abt my abuser, how much she's 'changed' and 'loves me' and 'wants a relationship with me' etc etc etc

and the most draining part of all of this is that i busted my ass for multiple fucking years to finally break the shackles off and get the fuck out of here, only for a selfish, heartless, absolutely piece of utter and complete shit to damn me back here.

and now, im stuck in this cycle again. where spending EIGHT HOURS on the phone trying to get my phone shit settled, and being at my absolute fucking limit bc on top of dealing w that crap, i had to listen to my abuser and her kids screaming at the top of their goddamn lungs for the past two days, and snapping to shut the fuck up,, gets me dealing w my mother holding a grudge w me.

bc 'oh let me have kids and then maybe ill understand' IT'S LIKE THIS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME SHE'S OVER HERE. AND SHE WAS LIKE THIS BEFORE SHE FUCKING HAD KIDS. THE BRUNT OF MY ABUSER WAS LITERALLY BEING SCREAMED AT AND BERATED BY HER OVER STUPID SHIT.

/IM/ THE ASSHOLE FOR BEING INSISTENT THAT SHE HASNT CHANGED ?!?!? WHEN SHE LITERALLY HASNT FUCKING CHANGED!!!?!?!?!? SHE'S /WORSE/ NOW /BECAUSE/ SHE STILL HAD KIDS ANYWAY WHEN LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN HER LIFE WARNED HER NOT TO BC WE ALL KNEW SHE'D BE A SHITTY PARENT. AND WOW, HUGE SHOCKER, SHE IS!!!

i made the decision when i was VERY young, but also old enough to realize just how deep rooted my trauma runs & how much it affects my responses to stress & other shit, to not have human children bc i fucking KNEW. no matter how much i try to be a nice person, no matter how good my intentions try to be, i can be very nasty. i can be harsh. i can be snappy. i can be violent. i can be completely apathetic to how my actions affect other people when i'm angry enough.

i ACKNOWLEDGE that shit. i will be the first to admit when i probably went overboard, but i am so fucking sick of being put in a position where if i dont apologize for being fucking straight up verbally, emotionally, mentally, or even physically abused, & responding to that abuse like any fucking body would, ESPECIALLY a person who has existing trauma, im an asshole.

im so. fucking sick. of being alive. this year has broken me. it really, truly fucking has. i lost EVERYTHING. i dont even have a fucking doctor. i am back in the house all my trauma happened in, damned by someone i thought was my best friend who looked me dead in my eyes a month after my daughter died in my arms & told me damning me back to the house every traumatic thing ive ever gone to 'wasnt her problem'. & having to be put right back in the cycles i brutalized myself to get out of.

and the worst fucking part is that this year has left me in such shambles from stress, i physically cannot pick myself up anymore. my alters can't pick themselves up anymore. we are all so fucking burnt out, and it is so fucking draining to lie to ourselves that hope is worth it when we had it all stripped away from us repeatedly in such brutal ways. nonstop. i swear to the moon herself, i mean it when i say not one single day this entire year has been peaceful. has been free from some degree of pain, or straight up agony.

i am tired of beating myself up for being angry. i am tired of being berated by other people for being angry. FUCK all of that shit. this year, and the shitty people who refuse to fucking offer me the same empathy they DEMAND from me, have fucking destroyed me. and i DESERVE TO BE FUCKING PISSED OVER THAT SO I FUCKING WILL BE IM FUCKING PISSED FUCK THIS YEAR FUCK MY ABUSER FUCK HER GODDAMN DEFENDERS FUCK THE BITCH WHO DAMNED ME HERE FUCK MY ENTIRE LIFE IT'S NEVERENDING BULLSHIT AND IM TIRED OF ACTING LIKE ANYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME WAS OKAY OR THAT I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH IT!! NONE OF IT WAS OKAY!! IM NOT FUCKING OKAY WITH IT!! NOBODY FUCKING WOULD BE!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

#mine #vent #abuse mention// #i had to get all this out im literally so fucking pissed #i went to get food after starving all day bc my abuser was here #and my mom stood in the kitchen doorway and glared at me for almost a full minute #and when i snapped 'what' she cursed me out. bc. u know. #i fucking snapped hearing my abuser SCREAMING for two days straight. #oh but if /i/ have a meltdown where /i/ scream and throw a ~tantrum~? #then it's 'grow the fuck up. ur so immature'. #my sister is fucking 30 years old. and has NEVER fucking honed in her anger. EVER. #but IM the immature one here. not the 30 y/o with TWO CHILDREN WHO NEVER LEARNED TO CONTROL HER ANGER #im so done. #i literally bend over backwards being everyone's goddamn therapist #& then get told im a piece of shit when i too have human emotions & reactions to TRAUMA. #im done! im done. im done. #yall want a fucking apathetic snippy selfish piece of shit i always get framed as for being fucking burnt out after being brutalized #every goddamn day & losing everything in a year? fine. im done being a therapist for fucking free & suffering in silence alone #fuck this shit

[soullessjack]

it’s rlly interesting to me that so many villains try to manipulate jack by saying that they’re just trying to control him or that they taught him to fear his powers and that he’s only kept in the bunker as a prison to protect the world basically , and pretty much every time he either ignores it & doesn’t respond . but he also doesn’t outwardly disagree (Duma asked if they’d taught him to fear his powers and he fucking shrugs ) and on one hand

> it’s crazy how often the writers will try and hint at their dynamic being kind of fucked up or question if it’s still on a “you only care about what he can do for you” basis — like when jacks own psychotic hallucination insisted that he was only ever their pet monster weapon muscle whose only value came from being useful — only to never go anywhere with it, never have jack actually take that question into consideration

but on the other if we’re assuming that jack is like wordlessly agreeing that he is in fact being contained and controlled and isolated from the world as a safety precaution by the people he explicitly views as both his fathers and his friends? and that he’s supposedly just okay with all of that ?? because he knows that he’s legitimately dangerous? what am I supposed to do with this? what were the writers trying to do with it??? why didn’t they actually do something with it?

#questions I ask every single day because I am autistic and neurologically bonded to jack in ways that cannot be understood #spn #jack kline #sam and dean #castiel #tfw2.0 #team free will 2.0 #Jack’s self awareness of just how destructive he can be is something we do not talk about ever #remember the last holiday draft of him and dean in the dungeon #/ jack: ‘this is my fault.’ dean: ‘what?’ [dean turns. seeing jack is having a moment] #/ jack: ‘THIS. maybe she’s right. what if I lose my soul again. or…lose control…or—’ #/ dean: ‘hey. stop okay. just stop. you’re not going to lose control.’ #/ jack: ‘I’ve done it before. since then nothings been the same. you…sam…’ #LIKE ???? #I am so fucking crazy right now it’s all making me crazy #why did they get rid of that. why did they get rid of jack actually expressing that he is in fact afraid of causing more damage again #WHY DO THEY GET RID OF EVERYTHING THAT WOULD MAKE HIM MORE INTERESTING IM GONNA PUKE BLOOD #anyways :3c #I need to bite something

[beautifel]

i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am

#ask 2 tag idk what to tag this but its negative. idk if i’m hormonal or whatever. it’s just that i’m so extremely emotional lately #like i always havebeen but it’s insane lately and i know some of the reasons but i have no idea what to do abt it. which is bad #i wish i knew how to confront …it all. im so avoidant it is genuinely pathetic #and even if i wanted to confront anything iwouldnt know how… n how to tell ppl around me #the pains ive taken to ignore my issues over the yrs n by that i mean suppress the knowledge that they even exist Lmao it is so pathetic #let alone the pains ive taken to hide from other ppl that which im suppressing. and to hide how badly i cope with anything #like any problem at all not just things that have anything to do with The Thing #i finally told my girlfriend about something i never thought id ever say out loud to anyone n it was so hard #the whole convo was so hard bc shes dealing with so much too and shes been getting help for 3 yrs n i know #with her baggage of trauma a relationship is one of the hardest things #n ive never ever regretted our relationship but with the things we are both dealing wtih. or rather not dealing with in my case #it is so . hard.. and i feel like ive been so unfair bc i havent been getting help even tho i need it. and she has. #the sheer irony of me refusing to get help or even admit 2 myself i need it even tho im literally about to be the person who helps others #this cannot go on lmao. the only thing im sure about is that i wanna spend my life with her but with everything tht we have on our plate #its so.. unsure i feel so powerless . i cannot change the past i cant change either of our previous experiences #its so unfair how we risk losing the best thing that ever happened bc of things out of our control #ive genuinely never been more scared of anything than i am of the idea of losing this relationship #we had such a deep conversation today and it was necessary and good but god we’re fucked up people #so i .contacted the uni psych today finally but im so fucking scared and idk what to even say when i get there #ive never until today said it out loud ive never even written it down anywhere

[hecksupremechips]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually #very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds #like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd #but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga #and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit #and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’ #which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road #its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16! #he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control #which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’ #so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way #like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health #i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to #be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident! #so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game #is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me #cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused #but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone #like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways #and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed #but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child #shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING #HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY #like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work #apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs #his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be #better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy #and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad #how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel #makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired

[agayconcept]

.

#im in so much fuckin pain i cant move ugh #like. typing this is excruciating #but i cant just stare at the wall or im gonna lose it eventually ugh #my pain is getring progressively worse these days and the last 2 months have been hell #doctors r worried this might be my new normal for the time being #which. uh #SUCKS #bc i cannot stand or walk for more than 5 mins #and i need a walker w me bc my cane isnt enough #and most days i am trapped in bed (or on the couch if i can make it there) unable to take care of myself #bc everything hurts and i feel like i'm being tortured #oh and my lordosis & the related pain is now at a level that might need serious medical intervention #my migraines r out of control #my joint problems r also way worse #and u kno what ? i would like to die now #thanks #truly and genuinely #im so done #i cant keep going this way #my doctor has no idea what to do #and the pain clinic im a patient of refuses to help further unless i sign up for their ridiculous pain education program #which is 8 weeks long with mandatory in-person weekly attendance (i do not live near it & cant afford transportation) #where they tell u all the ways ur pain is ur own fault and give u unrealistic and ridiculous advice abt exercise and lifestyle changes #that u Cannot do bc of said disabilites and pain #jfc #our healthcare system is broken and nobody cares if i live or die or suffer #AND im stuck dealing w my mother complaining abt my existence nonstop bc she resents me for the things i cannot do independently #so u kno what ya i am done. im so done. i give up #catch me rotting in this bed forever until i die. thats the only option being given to me

[bixiaoshi]

.

#if i don't get this out of my system i may explode lmao #but man the fact that im not a uni student anymore is getting more and more real with each passing day n the fact that i have to start #searching for a job is getting more and more real each day and it's giving such huge amount of anxiety bcs im scared abt what's to come #i'm terrified of getting a job i hate. i'm terrified of losing my life in something that drains me. i'm terrified of getting stuch where #i am. of seeing my life pass and not accomplishing what i want. of everything i've dreamed of stays as that. a dream. #i'm terrified of being stuck in this country. in this city. bcs all i wanna do is leave but i dont have the means to do it!!!!!! #i dont have the money. my mom doesn't have the money and im scared. terrified of dedicating my life to working for it to be all pointless #i wanna travel n i wanna leave n i wanna land a job that i like!!!!!!!!!!!! #i don't think i'm fit for capitalism bcs routine bores me. bcs i don't want to lose my life in a job i hate #but then again i don't rlly have a dream job. i have smth i want to do but it doesn't rlly allign with my degree #and i'm scared!!!! of not being able to accomplish it!!!!!!!!! i'm so terrified of never doing what i want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #i'm terrified of staying here bcs it's easier and less scary. i don't want to live a life of it is what it is!!!!!!!! #but everything at this point overwhelms me and idk where to start!!!!!!! idk what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i feel so silly by #asking other ppl bcs they don't have the answer n i hate it. bcs i need an answer i need to know im gonna be okay #life is unexpected n that alone makes me dread it. bcs i don't have full control of what's to come #sure i can do things to get me where i want to be but it's not 100% guaranteed it will happen the way i want it to #like. i dropped out of a major i thought i wanted n loved. i got a degree in smth that isn #isn't rlly a passion of mine #i dread the unexpected. i dread not having full control. i dread not knowing stuff #i dread things going out of plan n sure i do have a life plan #but i'm terrified of it just being a life plan #peace n love on planet earth #jo.txt