#im so insane i wish i could articulate more of my ideas but i feel like i cannot get them out of my head in a coherent way | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

neverdying-d-e-a-d · 5 months

Text

ohgod wjat was that.

hey why do i actively try to burn away and forget my past?

why dont i make an appointment with a therapist already?

i mean

i cant now

what if someone hears me?

...

i n s t i

tu t i o n

a l i z e d

what's that mean?

oh rock music, we're really in it now

okay, its not cool to make portraits of sadness and to self victimize

i dont feel like a victim

i feel like i deserve it all

what

do i mean anything that i write?

i really hope that i don't

or do

eugh

so confusing i'm about to cry

at what point does depression start to become going insane?

is it the same?

eugh..

i mean isnt it insane to want to kill someone? suicidal thoughts?

....

whaaatever.

i have enough love for myself and more

i just wanna talk about the war

._.

it's fucked up

feels redundant to say

but i think im allowed to say obvious things

im allowed to say whatever i want, as long as i think im a good person. right?

sometimes i wish i had parents that taught me to really use my brain

get the thoughts straight

okay

your name is [____ __________]

you feel

uhhh awe shit.

you feel

you feel confused

how are you feeling?

im feeling great.

okay.

your name is [_ _]

you feel

something is wrong

in your head

in the world

no, in your head

no, nothings wrong, there is no good or bad or

no, yes there is, you know good from bad.

or, no thats not true wisdom

or, no, thats common knowledge

true wisdom is foolish

i always end up knowing nothing

no, yeah.

your name is ()

you know nothing

you feel light and slightly confused and you feel like if you articulate it well enough you can understand it, you feel convinced

you feel shame remembering that guy feel up your thighs

you feel turned on

noooo you dont. dont kid yourself.

you feel turned on at the idea of you feeling turned on.

you feel basically only real attraction towards yourself

and some men

and

dont tell me youre afraid of women now, too? just because it was a girl what made you so weird as a kid?

point is.

that guy. you liked using him. you wanna hurt him. i honestly dont feel bad about that but i feel like i should

okay, i do

hes a person

so cute too.

but what a rotten little boy

god, its always the lonely emo boys

three times now

ive gotta get scarier, scare them off

no, that. eugh. only attracts them

other boys like boobed people who are non threatening

but those boys...

when was the last time you gave one of those boys a real chance? haha.

am i the problem?

sure, why not

....

i dont wanna talk to boys. women. i like women. boys

men and women are basically the same to me i just fear violence and well

....

im not crazy for feeling unsafe around men, am i?

....

i really wish i could ask someone who knows about this

like say, a therapist

eughhh.

im dying

writing is making me feel worse i should go to bed

i dont wanna have a bad dream

but

its okay to do things that scare you

but

it feels different to be in the middle of it all but

but

but i live in america

because

because my grandfather's editing team are dead

guns bought that ticket

and now im a privileged white british scumbag

living with black mold

maybe thats whats making me feel like this honestly

god i just wanna move somewhere clean

somewhere clean

will this poetry will make me sound insane because it's not beautiful

not worth it to care honestly

i still dont feel better

nono, lets try

im feeling better slowly

yes slowly

quicker now im finally feeling good

no.

im gonna take allergy medication and drop out of college and die on the street

im not really afraid

i dont deserve anything more or less

... right?

#tw suicide ideation #tw suicide #um #idk what else to tag just dont hurt me for this and tell me what you want sorry #another poem

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demilypyro · 2 years

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I hope i can articulate myself in a way thats not condescending or overly familiar, so if it comes across that way i apologize in advance but i tried!! I saw you earlier posting about someone engaging with years old posts of yours in insanely bad faith, and it causing a panic attack? Honestly, I think a lot of people can relate to that, and its a huge issue online, and we should all be working to end that behavior being acceptable. It is so horrible to not be able to exist online without someone being up your ass, you didnt think of every scenario possible and im offended and thats YOUR fault??? Huh???? Its unhinged, toxic, and honestly damages the communities these people try to advocate for. Because normal people will confuse the bad faith actors with the majority!

Im really sorry it is affecting you trying to make a livelihood, i wont offer any advice because i feel that is overstepping, but i think i speak for all your fans when i say we wouldnt want you to feel such stress. Its unfortunate being online means dealing with this crap, but we shouldnt take that and shrug, its not right and shouldnt be accepted. Anyway i hope this ask wasnt annoying to receive, please feel free to tell me to fuck off! Hahhaa

I dunno how I should feel. I'm not angry, I don't feel particularly wronged, I just wish these things didn't happen. Sometimes it feels like people just decide to mess with my reputation and there's nothing I can do about it, it's like they just don't care that I'm a real person whom their words and misinformation can hurt, and the idea that they'd threaten my reputation on a whim just causes stress my body can't handle. I start shaking, I get nauseous, I throw up. As an autistic person, I'm always afraid people will misunderstand or misconstrue my words. I'm feeling it now, even as I write this, because I don't know how people will respond when they read this message, I don't know what loopholes exist where they could draw the wrong meaning, and it's such a scary thing.

When that ask came in today, I tried to be as open and honest as I could about what happened and how I saw it, I even apologized for how I'd responded at the time, but for some reason it only made the person in question spread more lies and rumors about me, and I don't understand why. And there's nothing I can do because people who don't know me will just believe random posts about me without giving me any benefit of the doubt. It makes me worry for my future if people can just make things up about me and spread them with no checks or consequences. I've heard the same sentiment from other trans women recently. I dunno if I specifically get targeted because I'm trans, but whatever the reason is, I really wish it wouldn't happen.

I'm gonna go lie in bed now, turn off all my devices, and try not to throw up.

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antchurch · 3 years

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Hey can you please rec me your fave avatar fanfics?

i would be Honoured to

this is going to be a heavily zukka themed list as they recently became my top tagged ship on ao3 (im there @ jiminie if u want to see any more of my bookmarks) but i will endeavour to be more inclusive don't u worry !! these are all mostly pg - if there is sex it isn't the focus, mainly cause id feel weird rec’ing smut to a potential minor and also cause i don't need the judgement of my taste in porn but if u do want an 18+ rec lmk the art of burning - zukka (eventually), canon divergence, ongoing - this might be one of my favourite fics ever, its a hadoka+ the watertribe come across zuko fic and i cannot recommend it enough have done some quality crying 2 this one xo what is living is burning - zukka, canon divergence, complete - BRO the canon divergence on this bad boy? so good - it had such a Mood, the tone is exquisite - - i cant say much without spoilers but trust me it goes Hard blue - zukka, canon divergence, complete - i may as well be recommending the bible here but i mean it when i say this has some of the best zuko character exploration that i’ve ever experienced it deserves all the love it gets!! the spirit stone - zukka, canon divergence, ongoing - zuko imprisoned by the fire nation? very cool ideas going on here, can’t wait to see where it goes!!! what you’re meant for - zukka, post-canon, complete - ambassador sokka saved the world! jk but like this is a really interestingly written fic, i love the epistolary style and its really satisfying to see a political system become unfucked. i wish i could be more articulate cause this fic rlly deserves that but im clow n

more below the cut cause it got long ;)

boy problems - zukka, post-canon, complete - this boy can fit so much angst in him!! this also has some excellent mailee content s/o to my lesbians xoxo swords of fate, pride of heart - zukka, alternate universe complete - zukka zoom uni au! did this fic hit entirely too hard for me as a uni student on zoom? why yes. do i also want to fall in love with a boy over zoom because of swords? also yes say you like your shirt soggy - zukka, alternate universe, complete - this is just good vibes aman falling in love n doing dishes its all we want - excellent hakoda content here !! very good if u desire better parental figures!! Flow Like Fire - canon divergence, ongoing - zuko is an airbender au that slaPs - also our first none zukka one look at me having range! but very very good its so clever in how zuko figures shit out i really enjoy the world building on this one blue's clues - zukka, alternate universe, complete - modern au where the blue spirit is a vigilante - its so fun to read and has sexy spiderman vibes big love 2 this one tell me a story - zukka, post-canon, complete - this will rip ur heart out!! izumi likes being read stories! tw major character death xox goodbye to fathers - canon compliant, complete - hakoda and zuko have a talk and ozai just sucks - good hakoda dad vibes and adults being responsible love it lighthouse beam - zukka, alternate universe, complete - uni au again!! very cute and disabled zuko rep!! love 2 see it - so much pining my dude when the sun sets, and the moon follows - zukka, post canon, complete - this is an elderly gaang fic, so if ur constantly thinking abt grief like i am this is Right up ur street - tw major character death but so worth it. Baby Hotline, please hold (me close to you) - zukka, alternate universe, complete - this shit is hilarious boys, fbi agent zuko and engineer sokka its a great time Mass Times Acceleration - zukka, alternate universe, complete - this is a masterpiece, zukka roast trip au just very good painful feelings big fucking fan here man i would die 4 this fic survival will not be the hardest part - azula-centric, canon compliant, complete - beautiful azula character piece really rich and painful also lowkey sapphic Look How Far We've Come - zukka, alternate universe, complete - this whole series is insane!! daemons au!!! such good worldbuilding amazing character work fucking phenomenal man rain dance - aang-centric, canon compliant, complete - beautiful, beautiful aang piece about airbender culture and loss if u read any of these pls make it this one Intimate Counselors - zukka, post canon, complete - fucking hilarious zuko buys shit for sokka plot very good very fun honestly a joy 2 read might read it right now when im done with this list studying the blade - zukka, alternate universe, complete - social media au!! great gang dynamics n super fun!!!! kintsugi - toph+zuko bros 4 eva, canon divergence, complete? but only sorta cause the whole series isn't complete but its So good such a good reworking of the plot aaa it just goes hard man its the toph n zuko content u deserve spring comes to caldera - zukka, post canon, complete - ambassador sokka is back baybe and its so fucking good - great azula stuff here, really well developed pining, the full works figures 1-5: killing gods - zukka, canon divergence but only a lil, complete - a really lyrical and althetic exploration of zuko. feels like catharsis (do you take this jerk to be) your one and only - zukka, canon divergence, complete - hehehe proposal related hijinks love 2 see it yue is here n its great the art of charting the stars - zukka, post canon, complete - beautiful star gazing theme and gorgeous pining this is iconic i love it speak ill - zukka, alternate universe, complete - sometimes u just need to call ozai a bastard. immaculate wow long list - sorry abt that!! but it really could have been easily twice as long aha

i hope i’ve managed to rec u something new and that u enjoy any of these and thank u so much for the ask~~~

#atla fic rec #zukka #zukka fic rec #zuko #sokka #atla #avatar #hakoda #toph #azula #Anonymous

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volgotha · 4 years

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Holy shit I just read your text post I'm so sorry! How are people so easily sold on bullshit??? What happened that lead up to all that?

Okay, strap yourself in. I’m only typing this mess up once more and then I’m never mentioning it again as long as I live. I’m not going to tag it with anything relevant either so once its posted, i’m letting it get lost in the sea of reblogs. Here we go, warning; this is gon be long.

In 2006 I went to college. From 2006 to 2009 I hung out with 5 friends and my bf at the time, Andre. It was in 2007 that we started to poke our heads into the 2C11 room (the clubspace room). Matt and his best friend Jogn Carlo started coming with us to Rocky Horror, a thing only myself and two of my 5 friends would do together, along with ppl they knew from their old highschool. By 2009, we had formed a big gang of friends from the clubspace, and we all started going to movies and sushi together. One of my friends organize panels for Otakuthon, where we’d all meet up.

But in 2009, two of the 5 ppl I hung out with had a falling out. They stopped being friends. One went to university, the other was around for one more year then she went to university in 2010. That’s when the old group began to change from a family to a clique: In 2010 new members joined the club, and became new staples in the old group–most importantly, a guy named Tin.

It used to feel like a big family, but when the new semester started in September 2010 and new members flooded the club, everything changed. Tin instantly gave me a strange feeling in my gut, like there was something off abt him I couldn’t articulate. Shannon was dating Alex, the then club president, who stepped down in disgrace after I and one of those 5 friends went to the student union to complain abt him being the Harvey Weinstein of the club,. He wanted to permanently ban her from the club bc that summer when he was making a shitty youtube movie, he asked her out and she said no. The only reason he stepped down is bc I helped her take it to the student union and took him down. So when 2010 came along, Tin swooped in and became Alex 2.0, and when I warned ppl abt him they didn’t listen.

Fast forward a year to 2011, and the shitstorm happens; My mom had bvee battling with cancer since 2009. She had a hysterectomy but it didn’t work, and the cancer came back with a vengance.

January 15th 2011: My mom comes into my room and tells me her doctor doesn’t give her 1 year left to live. A few minutes after she leaves my room, Tin talks to me on Steam. He starts trolling me, I exploded on him. I felt bad about it so I tried to apologise to him, and I wrote on my facebook wall a message: “Just found out my mom has a year left to live, not in my right head, plz stay away from me for a while” so i wouldn’t explode on anyone else. I said I tried to apologise to Tin on steam, because him being an abujsive sociopath, instead of just accepting the apology or not like a normal person, instead he starts demanding that i admit to being a shitdisturber. I ignore him at that point, tell him im sorry, wish him good night and then sign off steam, and go to bed.

The following day, Shannon heads me off as I’m in the 2C11 hallway heading to the clubspace room; she warns me that Kelly is having a shit fit and screaming about how much of a horrible person I am, that apparently Kelly thinks my facebook post is me using my mom as an excuse to get away with being a bitch. I run to confront her, because excuse me, no it fucking wasn’t yknow? and whatever trauma she hasn;’t resolved yet doesn’t give her the right to twist my meanings and paint me as a monster. Thats when she goes into the Oliver’s caf so I follow her, and she screams at me calls me pathetic and heads back into the clubspace, and everyone followed her and left me in the caf crying with Shannon and Alex. :/

The situation was made ten times worse later that night by a certain person named Mathew, remember him? He was supposed to be my friend. Instead, he took the opportunity to write a huge post on fb tearing me down, on which everyone else joined in taking a public jab at me. Matt was seen as the community leader at the time. He could have used his power to calm the situation down, instead he made things worse. To this day, I suspect that troll Tin is the one who twisted my words to trigger Kelly and cause all of this, and that he also had Matt in the palm of his hand, but i digress; Matt’s post convinced most of them to ditch me. That devastated me in an already overwhelmed state, and I attempted suicide a few nights later.

That summer, I saw that my former friends were all having a big party, “What Killed the Dinosaurs? The Bad Movie Night.”, and I wasn’t invited. Shannon saw how much it hurt me, so she invited to her bf’s party instead, and that’s where I met Paul.

The following school year of 2011-2012 went by without much incident. The people who had ghosted me slowly added me back, Matt even apologized for his shit, and things seemed to be on the up and up. It looked like all this drama was behind us. I was wrong.

After I graduated, I decided to go visit the club in Fall 2012. Big mistake.

I saw someone I knew, Sarah, crying on someone’s lap, and asked her what was up. She told me she was in an abusive relationship with Tin. For giving her the advice to leave him, Tin came at me on steam again, and I told him that he was an abuser, that he would not intimidate me and to go fuck himself, and I blocked him. Suddenly, Matt was trying to extort 100$ from me for 2 locks I had broken the year before, which should’ve only cost 42$. Where did that come from? Well, Tin was the club’s Treasurer that year. He was trying to get back at me for standing up to him and helping his victim escape, and he was doing it through Matt, who was going apeshit on me on MSN for refusing to pay 100$. I insisted I should only have to pay what I owe, which was 42$. He kept freaking out on me, so finally I threatened to get a lawyer involved, and that’s when he backed down. I still paid the money I owed for the locks I had broken but I blocked Matt, having had enough of his bullshit, and that’s when suddenly a bunch of ppl from the group ghosted me for good.

Why was I ghosted when Matt was clearly the one in the wrong? Because Tin. They ghosted me bc Tin told them to. Tin and Matt told them all sorts of shitty things about me and they believed them. They don’t hold Tin or Matt to any of their shitty actions though bc they don’t want the same abuse that happened to me to happen to them. They turn a blind eye to every shitty thing Tin and Matt do. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand there’s an extremely toxic abuse dynamic at play in that group.

But the story doesn’t end there. Remember that party I went to with Shannon, and that guy I met named Paul? From november 2011 to march 2015 we were together. I was isolated from whoever was left, only hung out with him and his friends. In 2014, I became close friends with a girl name d Ariel, a member of that old groiup who ghosted me. But that was probably a manufactured relationship manipulated into existance by Paul, so he could jump to her when he was done with me.

Paul was extremely abusive when no one was around. The night he left, we had a huge fight. I tried to escape the situation by running upstairs. He chased me and when I ran into my TV room and closed the door behind me, he started pounding on it and trying to push his way in. When he did manage to get through the door, I panicked, picked up a glass bottle and threw it at him, and then slammed the door again when he backed out. The bottle broke, and cut his finger very deep. He used that cut to get everyone present during the situation on his side. Nevermind all the crazy abusive stuff he had just pulled in front of them, no, I was the bad guy, and once he had them convinced, he left to my then bff’s house, who later became his new gf.

He posted a picture of the wound on facebook, and because of that and previous drama from years ago that never really went away, most of the friends I had left from Dawson believed him, and ghosted me. I couldn’t tell them that a week earlier he had raped me, and that’s why I was scared enough to throw that glass bottle at him.I filed a police report, I warned everyone who would listen to me about him, and I warned her. I did all I could.

I was too scared to tell this story for such a long time, because if asking for understanding while my mom was dying was twisted into me using my mom as an excuse to get away with being a bitch, then asking for understanding for the outbursts I had after being raped would just be twisted into me using my rape as an excuse to get away with being a bitch. I couldn’t handle the idea of my rape being trivialized as just some excuse–and Mathew is in part responsible for it all, because of that fucking post he made publicly tearing me down. Had he not posted that, I would’ve never lost my support system, I would’ve never gone to that party with Shannon, and I would’ve never been raped.

So I spent the better parts of 2016-2018 telling those involved off for their part in my current situation and blocked them, and the rest rebuilding what I had back in 2009, with resounding success.

So, there you have it. That’s what happened. Fuuuuuuuucking insane isn’t it. Its over now, none of them can hurt me anymore and Ive once again surrounded myself with friends I can actually trust, so everything’s good now. I still have my low days bc this was yknow, a lot, but I’m doing much, muuuuch better now.

#T-Abyss

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