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#im just trying to make it through each day without killing myself and others can do such amazing things so easily?

moonrisecoeur · 5 months

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IM BACK CUZ IM MENTALLY UNWELL OK. and yes you’re the best sub Leon writer 😏🥱 and yes I liked it, SITTING ON HIS FACE? 😍🥱

I’m so sorry for blasting ur req box but YOURE AN ACTUALLY GOOD SUB LEON WRITER SO can you blame me? concept: idk why but re4 Leon is so free use coded and so imagine he is on a mission with a new assigned partner but she’s an asshole to him (“fuck off man, I can do it myself, “I don’t need your help”, “you’re too nice and gonna be taken advantage of 😐”, etc. You get the gist) and his goofy ass just tryna be nice and helpful, cuz this is leon we are talking about. But the fun part ⁉️ they have cameras installed in the hideout they are saying at for security purposes. But ofc, Leon always tries to check on reader to make sure she’s ok - even if she’s an asshole to him. AND YK WHAT READER DOES 😭 she’s way too horny and just goes at it, girl got a masturbation problem on god. Every night. One night - wrong time and place - Leon opens his laptop to see the cameras making sure she’s ok AND HELP HE SEES HER … yk. And he feels guilty like he shouldn’t watch but he does anyways. And this goes on for weeks. Until one night he’s sick and tired of her always being so mean and he accidentally lets it slip that he’s been watching her LOL AND SHES LIKE UHM BOY WHAT 🙄⁉️ and he tries to play it off like “I didnt mean to” but like, my brother in Christ… you’ve been watching every night for weeks 🤨 wdym you didn’t mean to? ANYWAYS LONG STORY SHORT SHE PUNISHES HIM AND HEAVYYYY ON THE FREE USE THING. Love you bae 😘

i made a couple minor changes just for convenience :) fem reader she/her pronouns!

also i didn’t write the smex scene IM SORRY but i have been working on this all day and i need to get to other asks but i promise i’ll write some more free use in the future because it’s so smexy

"look, i know you don't like me-"

"oh? really? tell me what you think you know, kennedy," you scowl at him, and though it spooks him just a little, he tries to seem unphased.

he frowns, not hurt by your words but definitely concerned that you'll make a bad partner, "you don't need to be this hostile. we're allies. we're supposed to have each other's backs."

"right..." your voice echos, and leon knows that if it came down to it, you wouldn't protect him, wouldn't save him, would barely help him. he's practically on his own for this mission, just has an extra body with him to shoot at the bad guys.

it hurts, to some degree, because even without knowing you well, and even with you being cold and rude to him, he knows he'd come to your rescue in a heartbeat. something about him feels fond of you, even though in your entire time knowing leon kennedy, you haven't said one nice thing to him.

he thinks that maybe he likes that you've never been nice to him. he doesn't really know what to do with that thought.

leon is proved wrong.

despite the harshness of your words, you come to his rescue, fighting off the villager who almost decapitated him with an axe like both of your lives depend on it (because they do).

he watches you fight nervously, but when you come out on top, aside from the gash wound you take to the hip, he feels his heart skip a beat.

"this is what happens when you hurt my partner," you groan, holding your side, trying to speak through the pain even though leon can see the blood seeping between your fingers.

you whisper something in your victim's ear, something leon can't quite make out, before you kill him. leon wonders what it was briefly. he decides it doesn’t matter.

you both breathe a sigh of relief, but it's short lived as you collapse to the ground. you saved him. you got hurt saving him.

"here, let me help you," he mutters, coming over to you, not even stopping to ask if you want his help because he knows you'll say no, "stop fighting me. you're hurt and i need to patch you up."

the pain is agonizing, but even through gritted teeth and tense breaths, you push through it. he has to commend you a little bit, you're tougher than you look.

but when you try to push his hand away, claiming "i'm fine, kennedy," he sees the struggle in your face, hears the hurt in your voice. his heart seems to stop. he's worried, "i can do it myself, you don't have to- fuck, dude, i don't need your help-."

"-just relax, okay? i got you..”

you don't have the strength to push him away, but you know you shouldn't anyway, so you just slouch back against the wall and try to breathe, "fine, just fuckin... hurry up."

"i'm just trying to take care of you. we're partners, right? i gotta look out for you," he smiles, trying to lighten the mood even slightly. he wishes that this would be the time the barriers come down, that those skyscraper walls that prevented him from coming any closer to you emotionally could come crashing down, if only for a moment.

"you don't have to do anything. you're choosing to put yourself in danger to help me," you groan as you lean back, looking up at the ceiling, "suprised that no one's tried to take advantage of your willingness to help before."

"someone did," he mutters annoyedly, focusing more on the wound then it being your wound, on your body. his eyebrows, almost naturally furrowed from years of stress, somehow make his face even more sad to gaze upon. it's not that he's unattractive, far from it, but he's... worn. tired. a piece of your heart, no matter how far you keep away from him, aches in sympathy.

leon carries you back to the safe room, a hideout you both are using to rest and recover in while you plot your next move. he lays his jacket on the ground to at least give you something comfortable to lie on. you don't look comfortable, but he can't do anything else to help you.

he looks through his things, trying to concoct something that will at least make you feel a little bit better. he finds a first aid spray, and his heart jumps out of his chest in excitement. he uses it to take care of your wound, and waits for you to wake up from your unconscious state.

he decides to go back out, hoping to maybe find some other things to help you both on your mission. he knows you'll berate him for leaving on his own, risking his own life needlessly. but god if he didn't imagine what it would be like if he found something you could really use, and watch your eyes light up. even if you didn't like him, you'd be happy. he wants to see you smile, to praise him for a job well done.

he cringes at how pathetic it sounds, but he sets off either way, leaving you wrapped in his jacket with a note from him saying what he's doing.

he doesn't do it intentionally. at least... not the first time. genuinely, he just wanted to check up on you, make sure you were alive and breathing and safe. and you definitely were.

he doesn't know why its so hypnotizing, why he can't put his goddamn phone away with the stupid security app on it. of course it's you, though. you're hypnotizing.

he watches every pixel, every distorted view of you touching yourself in the safe room, obviously unaware that he could... see this. he's glad there's no audio, or else he'd be unable to control himself, even in an abandoned building surrounded by zombies. maybe its the years that haven hardened him, burned the fear out of his soul and numbed him to the presence of those things, but he doesn't feel anything but uncontrollable desire right now.

have you been doing it the whole time? you both had spilt off from each other multiple times, and he would almost be upset at the idea that every time he was fighting for his life and barely, barely winning that fight each time, you were getting off a couple hundred feet from him in another room... if it wasn't so fucking hot to watch you masturbate.

he keeps watching until he notices that you're having an orgasm, body twitching and your chest heaving up and down as you take deep breathes. it's so fucking sexy, leon probably could have cum on the spot if he watched anymore.

you keep doing it. he keeps watching it. over the course of the mission (of course he had to be stuck on a long, secluded recon mission with you of all people) he's watched you too many times. he doesn't think he has enough fingers to count how many times, which either means he's been on this mission longer than he thought or you have a fucking addiction. he's almost kind of impressed at how efficient you are. takes you 10 minutes tops, and then you just get back up and keep on trucking? his sentimental, post-nut ass could never.

and, though you recovered from your wound, you haven't displayed any sense of gratitude for leon taking care of you when you passed out after getting hurt. not that he expects it, truthfully. you saved his life, he saved yours. you were even.

he just doesn't feel like he's broken any new ground. he feels like, if anything, you feel even further away, emotionally. he's about had it.

"hey, we need to talk," he says, ominously; he doesn't intend it to be so, "i understand you don't like me. it's fine. i don't even care anymore. but i am tired of you talking to me like i'm a pushover."

you look over at him, reloading your gun with a displeased look on your face. leon hates the inner urge he has to cave and apologize to you, as if his body would rather give up any sense of dignity he still has in favor of being slightly more tolerable to you.

"well? are you going to say something?"

you scoff, looking away, "didn't know you were so fucking sensitive, kennedy," and you turn around, ready to walk out, before he snaps, "this isn't a pleasure trip. sorry you're not having a good time."

"clearly you're having a good time with all the pleasure you're giving yourself while i'm trying not to die."

he stops. panicking. trying to think of how to spin the words he just said and make it not sound like he knew every tell you had when you were about to cum or exactly how you touch yourself in order to get yourself off quickly.

you stop as well. and you look back at him with this expression on your face that is completely unreadable.

maybe it wasn't the best move to reveal the only card he had left to play if it mean he would get this reaction out of you considering that, again, you so clearly do not like him.

... right?

"what... did you say, kennedy?" you ask, pure venom in your voice. it's not a question, you so clearly heard him correctly.

"i- i'm sorry, i didn't mean to say that-"

"have you been watching me?" you take a step closer, eyes boring into his soul so intensely he can't make eye contact. he has no way out of this situation. he feels out of breath, nervous, god why are you getting so close to him? "answer me, leon," not kennedy, leon, "have you been watching me masturbate?"

he looks up, trying to keep himself from making eye contact. he knows the second he looks into your eyes, he will be putty in your hands, free for you to mold into whatever you'd like. he knows you're not looking at him with distain like usual, it's something else.

something hungry.

"yeah," he breathes, barely getting the world out at all. you take a deep breath, as if you're debating what you're going to do.

"what you did was wrong, you see that, right?"

"yes, i know, but-"

you scoff, annoyed. god why in this moment, just inches away from you, you notice the moles on his neck, the angle of his jaw, the entrancing aura of his eyes. it's so damn distracting, and you have to pull yourself together, "but nothing. you watched me without my consent, you got off on it, didn't you?"

"god, you're making it sound so bad, i... i'm sorry, okay? how can i make it up to you?" he asks, trying so damn hard as always to please.

this is where you come to realize that maybe you didn't hate leon kennedy all this time. maybe you found yourself too comfortable, too at ease in his presence. maybe he was safe and sweet and gentle and it didn't sit right because nothing in a world with zombies and bioweapons and cults and parasites was gentle. but leon is.

you look down, considering your options, "i have an idea. you're free to refuse and we go back to before, and you get nothing from me. do you want to hear it?"

"sure?"

you take a breath, going for it, "i’ll be… blunt. if you couldn’t tell, i’m a bit.. insatiable. i need something to get myself off now that i’m getting bored of my own hands out here. you help me, and i’ll forgive you for watching me.”

his thoughts stop. he genuinely can’t put together a coherent thought, what did you mean? "are you.. are you fucking serious? you barely speak to me, every time you do speak to me you act like i'm the scum of the earth, you act like i'm not here when i saved your ass and carried you and patched you up, i-”

you cut him off with a kiss. it’s not gentle, it’s rough and messy and your fingers dig into the skin of his cheeks, leaving him red and breathless. he finally gets it. you don’t want him to help you, you want to use him.

he lets you push him down, pin his body to the wall as you kiss him breathless. he lets you dig your nails into his neck even if it hurts. he lets you touch and kiss him as rough or as gentle as you like. and you don’t like being gentle, clearly.

“use me,” he whispers between kisses, and when you pull away, eyeing him intently, as if urging him to explain himself, he does, “do whatever you want. just keep going until you’re satisfied. don’t… don’t hold back. whatever pleases you… i want that. i want to please you.”

“awh, you just want me to be happy with you, don’t you?” you coo at him, endeared by his selflessness. truly a good man in a bad world, “that’s all you’ve ever wanted, hm? for me to like you?”

his resolve cracks just a little bit more, “uhm, yeah…” he his voice is shaky, unsteady, and he just needs to give in.

“then you’re going to let me do this every single time in horny and need something to get myself off. i’m going to do whatever i want to you, and i’m not going to ask. you’re just going to let me. if you don’t, then we go right back to being enemies, and you really don’t want that, right?”

he stutters aimlessly, his knees going weak. he’d truly be done for if you weren’t hold him up with a strength he did not know you had.

and you just keep going, “i’m not going to ask or care if it’s a bad time. i want it to be inconvenient, uncomfortable, ill-timed. i want it to be permanently in your head that i can have you whenever i want you. that i can do whatever i want to you.”

“only i get to have you, got it?”

“g-got it,” he mutters weakly, feeling your hands on him, touching him in places he hasn’t been touched in a while. he didn’t realize how desperate he was.

“only i get to touch you, only i… get to fuck you.”

he nods helplessly.

“it’s too bad i didn’t bring a dildo in my bag when we set off for this mission, because i would so fuck you with it until you’re seeing stars and apologizing for going behind my back… but i suppose i’ll just have to satisfy myself with your cock…”

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iavenjqasdf · 4 months

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🖨clones🔨

my fucking cloning machine is defective; it keeps making "me"s, and i fucking hate that guy.

i'll just be minding my own business, going about my day, when i hear a ZAP! from the other room, and i sigh, cause i know that means i have to drop everything im doing and go subdue another fully-grown newborn me. For some reason they're always born terrified and trying to kill themselves as quickly as possible, and i cant just let them go out into the world and make a mess and ruin my good name, so i developed a system; i knock it out with my favorite heavy shovel, and then i drag its sleepy body out of the closet it was born in and down to the basement while it's unconscious, listening to the thonk thonk thonk as it hits its head on each step on the way down, and i leave it down there in the dark, next to all its clone buddies.

(protip if you find yourself in a similar situation: invest in a good shovel as soon as you can. you don't want something flimsy that'll break in the middle of a pacification. i had to strangle one with my bare hands before i learned that lesson. not fun!)

i usually do a pretty good job keeping them contained where i don't have to think about them, but sometimes they start screaming or crying or whatever, loud enough that i can hear them even through the doors and hallways between us, so i have to turn on the gas down there, until eventually they quiet down and go to sleep. sometimes they die, but i just leave the corpses down there nowadays, cause sometimes they come back to life, and hauling a carcass up the basement steps and through the house and into the backyard is a whole thing and if it's gonna claw its way out of the ground again anyway i might as well save myself the trouble. the living ones cry about the smell sometimes but i don't let the haters get to me.

i don't know what they get up to down there; i only ever open the door when i have to toss another guy in there, and obviously i have to gas them first to make sure they don't try to mob up on me and escape, so i only ever see them unconscious. there's shit smeared on the walls and weird symbols that i guess they carve into each other using their grotesquely overgrown fingernails, but being a full time caretaker is enough of a hassle without also having to put in the effort to understand what the fuck they're trying to communicate.

i tried turning the machine off and on again, then just leaving it off permanently, then straight up unplugging it, but nothing really seems to work. i can leave it in the most pristine perfect unpowered condition and think im finally safe and then one day ZAP! it's made another guy, and i have to go through the whole fuckin routine all over. really takes a toll on a guy, having to bludgeon something with your own face and voice unconscious before you even finish your morning coffee.

i also tried breaking it, but that just made the clones start coming out broken, too. if you thought they were annoying in vanilla form, just wait till you get one with half its skull concave, or with limbs growing out of the wrong places. i don't get cognitohazard pay for having to see and subdue those abominations. so i don't fuck with the machine anymore, because with my luck, i'll just end up making things even worse if i try to fix them again.

mostly i just wish i had some help, but i haven't been able to find any so far. it's kinda hard to make friends or get second dates when you're constantly exhausted from pacifying a basement full of retarded suicidal clones of yourself. recruiting from within doesn't work, either; i can't bribe them, because the only thing they want is to die, and i can't threaten them, because they'll start just begging for whatever punishment i think of and that weirds me out.

it's reached a sort of shitty equilibrium, where the machine spits em out at pretty much the perfect rate to maintain a stable population. whenever one of them dies, the others will eat the corpse, which is cool cause then i don't have to worry about that one coming back, but it also means the rest all get fed and continue living.

i know what you're thinking; yes, i've already tried forcing a conscious one to eat all the unconscious ones at gunpoint once. it just grabbed the gun out of my hand and shot itself through the skull, and then came back a week later anyway. ungrateful bastard.

it's starting to smell pretty bad all the time down there, too. all their waste products piling up, i bet. i wish i could just leave the gas on all the time so i wouldn't have to worry about it, but eventually it starts leaking through the cracks in the basement and filling my parts of the house, too. i guess i could just pack up, turn the gas on, and leave, but the bill will eventually come due, and if they shut it off then even bigger complications will emerge.

besides, a house this big, for this cheap, in this neighborhood? i can't afford to NOT be doing this. i just wish i had someone to share it with, besides myselves.

ao3

#📝#guro #original fiction #standalone

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bugflies00 · 3 months

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au crimeboys make me so so insane

it's not dadbur per say, even though wilbur does get custody of tommy and raise him, but tommy doesn't see him as his dad.

if anything, for a long time tommy didn't understand what a dad (or any parent) was supposed to do, because for him that was what wilbur did. so people would be like "dont you have a mum and dad?" he'd be like "no i have a wilbur" not because he sees wilbur as a dad but because wilbur is . wilbur. yknow? like his own category that's impossible to define by """normal""" family standards. wilbur is all of tommy's family at once, because he's all he's got, and he's his brother and his dad and his best friend.

because wilbur raised him, put him to sleep, put bandaids on his knees when he fell, taught him how to read and write and tie his shoelaces and not to chew with his mouth open and how to ride a bike and picked him up from school and went to parent teacher meetings.

but wilbur's also his brother, they're constantly roughhousing and punching each other and tommy's always trying to steal his stuff and get on his nerves and wilbur's always trying to get tommy a babysitter so he can go party and get drunk without his lame little brother.

but also wilbur is like. the most certain constant of tommy's life. i mean he was just two when they were put into foster care, he doesn't remember his parents, definitely not the social workers or foster parents who cycled every couple months, and he didn't make any true long-term friends until tubbo when he was about 9 or 10. so wilbur is like. the only person he's always known and will always know and that he's never doubted will be here forever. he's the first person he remembers!!!!

and so obviously tommy is absolutely ride or die for wilbur, even though he'd never admit it because he remains tommyinnit. they're also very codependent as you can guess.

tommy's really clingy but so is wilbur, and they kinda have a shift in their dynamic where like. when wilbur was a teen and tommy was 10-11, wilbur was trying to push him away for a while because yknow he was going through it (it being depression addiction the whole deal) and lashing out while tommy was trying to cling on. but then when they're a bit older, wilbur is the one who clings onto tommy because he's terrified he'll leave him too, especially when the prospect of tommy going away to college starts profiling itself.

that's something that wilbur takes a loooooong time to accept, because for a while he was flat out forbidding tommy from going off to college anyway further than a half hour ride. which is obviously. not very healthy. eventually he accepts but he completely motherhens the whole time to the point where tommy has to be like "im literally 18 ill be fine im not leaving forever" but wilbur still has a hard time the whole period tommy's away.

and anyway tommy doesn't cope well with it either, he had this whole idea of going off to college to try something new and make new friends, but once he's there he hates it. he realises it that he hasn't actually made friends since tubbo when he was 9 (he met ranboo through tubbo), because having his two best friends and his brother was always enough for him. and so he's completely alone with all these people he doesn't know how to talk to, and he starts spiralling and his grades start dropping, and he has the whole thing with dream. so eventually tommy does come back home because really he's just as clingy and he couldn't stand being away like that.

eventually when they're older they grow into something that's less... desperate i want to say? obviously they still love each other so much but they're able to hang out and spend time together in a way that doesn't feel like. "if im separated from you for more than two days i will literally die because i've been relying on you and defining myself around you my entire life" yknow?

it's a very complicated situation because they care so so so much about each other and would both kill and die for the other, but they've also hurt each other a lot. wilbur especially lashed out a lot when he was a teenager, and tommy often felt like it was his fault they couldn't stay in a good house for long, because he was too loud and rambuctious etc. there's also a whole bit with their last foster home that i want to explore but that is its own post

there's also an element of like. tommy feels guilty that wilbur had to put his whole life on pause to take care of him but wilbur doesn't see it that way. one day when they're having a really messy and bad argument he shouts something along the lines of not wanting the responsibility of tommy in the first place, which is something tommy takes a looooooooong time to heal from, and it's not even true. not just because he loves tommy, but because if it wasn't for that responsibility he doesn't think he would be alive. not in a metaphorical sense, as in very concretely, 12 to 20 yr old wilbur was in a daily mantra of "you can't kill yourself tommy is relying on you." and then it became "you can't kill yourself tommy and fundy are relying on you." and wilbur doesn't want to share that with tommy because in general he tries his best to never tell him anything dark like that (which on one hand yeah your 15 yr old brother isn't your therapist but on the other hand Do You Understand How Emotional Communication Works no he doesn't lmao) . but in the end he does end up telling him when he understands that tommy feels so guilty about him taking care of him and it's a very . important conversation in their lives . They cry a lot 👍

#alex.rambles.txt #c!crimeboys #mcyt #the fostering au

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witchersmistress · 11 months

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The Basement part 2

Hello my lovies!! Part 2 of the basement scene, this is part three for rainstorms and hate sex, im know there will be a few unanswered questions.

as per my usual. i do not give permission to copy my work or use my work in anyway without permission. so help me if you do, i will haunt you for the rest of your days.

Trigger Warnings: Clausterphobia, small spaces, foul language, 18+ highly reccomended.

Word count: 6.4K

Fuck. My phone’s battery is about one percent. Still, it’s better than the alternative. I tense as I step past Baron, sure he’s going to grab me. He lets me pass, but Duke reaches out and pinches my tit. Okay, talking shit is one thing, and his rape jokes are bad enough, but now he laid a hand on me. “Oh, you want to get physical?” I ask, my hands balling into fists. “Yeah,” he says with a sloppy grin. “That’s right, baby. Let me taste that sweet cherry pie.” I swing, and he doesn’t even duck. It’s a beautiful right hook that meets his temple with the aim of a fucking archer. He crumples to the floor in a heap, and I jump back, fists raised and adrenaline pumping through me, ready for Baron to come at me.

“You gonna come get yours?” I ask. He just shakes his head. “I’ve felt your fists. Besides, I’m more into the challenge than taking what I can by brute force.” I didn't trust him for a second, so I went back into the next room. It’s dark in there, since this is the only flashlight. I swallow hard, wiping my hands on my jeans, and feel my way to the dirt tunnel. It’s chilly in the basement, and my clothes are still damp from the rain. At least, I tell myself that’s why I start shivering the second my shins are on the cold dirt floor of the tunnel. I force myself onwards, my heart thudding in my ears. To avoid thinking about the ceiling collapsing, I focus on the tunnel behind me, trying to hear if Baron’s coming in with me. Each scrape of my own knees on the floor makes me tremble. God, it’s so tight. My shoulders are pressed against the walls, and I wonder if maybe this tunnel doesn’t lead out at all. Maybe it leads to… Nothing.

I’ll be stuck in a dead end in the dark, waiting for Duke to come rape me and probably kill me. Because fuck if I’m just going to lie there and take it without fighting back. I’ve seen way too many movies where people go into a cave or a tunnel looking for escape and instead come upon a pile of skeletons left by all the other idiots who tried to escape before them. The ceiling of the tunnel brushes my back—or was it a bat?—and I think I’m going to be sick. I close my eyes and try to breathe, though it feels like there’s no oxygen in the tunnel. What the fuck am I doing? I’ve just basically buried myself alive. I press my palms to the cold dirt under them and think about the nights I spent locked in the closet at home. The hours I’d be in there, sometimes so long I wet myself before Mom dragged her hungover ass up and remembered where I was.

Then she’d rage at me and smack me around a little and tell me to clean myself up, that I was a disgusting pig. Or if she had a boyfriend over, she’d howl with laughter at my wet pants because she didn’t want men to see her pissed. A sense of humor is sexy, after all. No one likes an angry woman. I take another ragged breath, forcing it into the constricted airways to my panicked lungs. This is not that bad. And if I could clean up myself and the closet without crying back then, I sure as fuck won’t cry now. I didn’t freak out then, and I won’t freak out now. Once, she locked me in a cabinet because she said I’d lose my claustrophobia if I just faced it. I was curled up in a ball, with my knees to my chest, for hours. I have all the room in the world here. I could lie down flat and crawl on my stomach. I can roll over. I can move. I start forward again. After a time, I hear echoing scuffles high above. I reach up a tentative hand and can’t feel the ceiling. I climb to my knees, then my feet. Relief floods through me in a rush that brings tears to my eyes and a whoop of relief to my throat. Blinking back the wetness, I hold a hand in front of me and one on the wall, and I walk until the wall falls away. I turned on my phone for the last time. No skeletons. No cage with Mabel Darling being held captive like Gretel waiting for the witch to eat her. There are two tunnels off the side of a cavernous room. I continue straight ahead, and at the far side of the room, I find a door, just like Baron said. Heart galloping in my chest, I find the knob and twist. It doesn’t budge.

Fuck. I sink down on the floor, shaking with spent energy, the adrenaline leaving my limbs. My fingers are trembling and stiff with cold, but I try to pick the lock for a while, anyway. When I can’t, I consider sleeping here. At least I’m away from the guys. But it’s so fucking cold, and I’m shivering so hard I can’t possibly relax. My phone dies, and suddenly, the darkness seems close and oppressive and terrifying. Even though I wasn’t using the light, there was comfort in knowing it was an option if I needed it. Now, a drunk obnoxious Duke seems preferable to staying here alone, not knowing if someone will come through the door and who it might be. But going back to the twins means facing the tunnel again. I did it before, though. I can do it again. I know there are no forks until the tunnel opens up, which means I just have to find the tunnel in the dark and hope it’s the right one. It’s not too hard. I just have to go straight ahead. I gather all my courage and creep across the room in the dark. When I find the tunnel, I take a deep breath and barrel in. I don’t think, just charge through as fast as I can. Somehow, it doesn’t seem so bad on the way back. When I finally see a scant light ahead, my heart starts racing with relief. I burst out of the tunnel into the dirt room in the basement of the CIA office. The familiarity itself is a relief, and I can finally breathe easy. Duke is sitting up in a chair, a beer in one hand, his eyes unfocused and his jaw slack. A lump has already formed where I decked him. Baron sits on the stone slab, his phone sitting beside him with the light on.

“How was it?” he asks, holding up his beer. “Fuck you,” I say. “You knew it was locked.” “Faced your fears, though, didn’t you? One more Midnight Swan challenge down.” “Is that what this is?” I ask. “My initiation?” “Depends,” he says. “It could be.” “Bullshit. August said I could never join.” “August’s not the only Swan,” Baron counters. “He’s your leader.” “He’ll be done with you after tonight, and then he won’t care what happens to you. That’s how it works with him. When he’s done, you don’t exist to him anymore.” “Fine,” I say, planting my hands on my hips. “What do I need to do next?” “You tell me, Stalker Girl.” “Betray a friend for a Swan. See, that one might be hard, since I don’t have friends.” “Gloria’s a friend,” he says. “I’m a friend.”

“Are you, though?” He holds out a beer, the cap still on. “Have a beer. Relax. We’ll be here a while.” “I like to stay sharp.” “Me too,” he says, taking a drink from his beer. “But one beer won’t hurt.” I relent and take it. At least it might warm me up a little, and to be honest, I need to calm down and think this through. Like when they threw me in the dumpster with Colt, I’m attacking a big problem with a tiny knife. If I chill and wait it out, someone will come open the door. If this is some kind of hazing for the Midnight Swans, then I need to see what they want me to do. So, I sat down on the stone slab next to Baron. “What’s the last challenge?” I ask. “The gauntlet.” “For a girl?” he asks. “That means we sex you in.” I force myself to swallow my beer without reaction. “Who does?” “All of us.” I squeeze the cold bottle to keep my hands from shaking. “All the Swans?” “A gangbang, baby,” Duke slurs, holding up his beer. “And this has happened before?” I ask.

“No,” Baron says. “Because no chicks at this office would do it. But I bet you would.” “You bet wrong.” “Well, technically, the gauntlet only requires the participation of three Swans,” he says. “And you’ve already fucked August. So you're a third of the way there.” “This is your chance,” Duke says. “Three for three.” He leans forward in his chair, then tilts slowly until he topples out, as if in slow motion. It would be comical, but I’m a little worried he’s going to choke on his puke and die in his sleep. “He’s not wrong,” Baron says. Duke rolls onto his back on the floor. “Gonna rest my eyes,” he mumbles. “Then we’ll tag team her.” “My phone died,” I say after a minute, nodding at Baron’s light. “Want to call someone to let us out?” “No can do,” he says, taking a drink. “No service down here.” “Right.” We sip our beers in silence for a few minutes. Then Baron climbs off the rock and sits on the floor beside Duke. “My phone’s going to die if I don’t turn off the light,” he says. “We should all just get some sleep.”

“Why don’t I trust you in the dark?” “Because you’re paranoid and think everyone wants to fuck you.” “Says the guy who was just trying to get in my pants.” “That was me,” Duke says, not opening his eyes. “Come sit by us,” Baron says. “It’ll be warmer. I won’t mess with you.” “Fine,” I say, sliding off the stone and going to sit by them. Despite Duke’s usual drunken asshole behavior, they haven’t done anything. Baron’s right. They are my friends. We’ve been hanging out for a few months now. I sit with them every day at lunch, go to their games, and am part of their circle. It’s not like it was at the beginning of the year, before I was a Walker's girl. I’m under August’s protection now. They might want him to be done with me, might try to convince me it’s true. But I know different things, and they know it, too. He didn’t lock us down here. Baron did. Baron has the key. He wants August to dump me, but he won’t risk his brother’s rage by touching his plaything before August gives the okay. Baron turns off his light, and we both lie down. He turns toward me, and I tense, but he only lays an arm across me. “So, not into being a Swan if it means you have to work for it?” “Would you let three dudes fuck you to get in?” “Touché.”

For a while, none of us spoke. After a while, Baron sighs. “You know, this is where they kept August when he was kidnapped,” he says drowsily. A chill explodes over my skin, and I lose my breath for a second. “What?” “Not in the main room,” Baron says, petting my hair absently. “Back here, in the dirt like an animal.” “And he still comes down here?” I ask, remembering that weird encounter in the dark, when he brought me down here and started kissing me and said all those creepy things… It’s safe here, in the dark. It doesn’t hurt anymore. Suddenly, I’m dizzy with the realization of how sick this all is—him forcing girls down here to blow him, those things he said that probably some sicko said to him… “Are you kidding?” Duke asks. “Our brother’s not afraid of anything.”

I can hear the pride in his voice, and it’s sweet how much he thinks of his big brother. But it doesn’t change how fucked up this is. Maybe it was him that locked me in here with his brothers, knowing what they might do to me. “He’s the one who wanted to keep the Swans going after the office and the police shut them down,” Baron says. “He wanted to come down here when we all thought it was a bad idea. But he wanted to keep the meetings here.” “Why?” I ask, too terrified to even think about it.

“Probably to show how little it affects him,” Baron says. “To show the Darlings they didn’t win.” I’m not convinced. If anything, it shows me how much it still affects him. He can’t let it go, just like he can’t stop going to the bridge, where I’m pretty sure his sister died. Instead of avoiding everything, he revels in the pain of it like a masochist, never letting himself forget. He’s punishing himself, though I can’t begin to imagine what he thinks he did wrong in either instance. “He’s not going to let that shit own him,” Duke says. “He rules his past.” “Can I ask you something?” I say after a minute. “When he was kidnapped… Was he assaulted?” “Yeah,” Baron says. “They beat the fuck out of him. Like, half his teeth are implants. He had a concussion, but he wanted to go right back out on the field.” He sounds so proud, like that makes his brother a hero. My ribs ache at the thought of August needing to prove himself that badly. “Dad had to find a doctor who would sign off for him to play,” Duke says, laughing and then hiccupping. “He was so pissed the first one wouldn’t. I think he got him fired. Then he found a good one.” “Now they golf together,” Baron says with a chuckle. “You never know when you’ll need a medical professional. Helps to have all kinds in your pocket.”

A shiver rolls through me. I wonder how much of that fight was August’s, and how much was Mr. Dolce’s. This is how they took power. Paying off people to do what they want, bulldozing those who wouldn’t. Nothing stands in their way—like a father, like sons. Despite August’s resentment, they’re all on the same side, all in it together. August is eighteen. He doesn’t have to obey his father or even live there. He could stop going to Hockington if he wanted, but something keeps him going back. Is it the same thing that keeps him coming back here, some kind of penance? I clear my throat. “I meant, like, sexually assaulted.” “Dude, that’s fucked up,” Duke slurs. “August’s a man.” “Men get raped, too.” “August would never take it up the ass,” Baron says. “You really are sick, Jailbird” “Yeah,” Duke chimes in. “How could you ask that about a guy who’s fucking you? Does he seem gay to you?” “The ignorance of that statement is honestly astounding.” “Nothing like that happened,” Baron says flatly. “Old Man Darling brought him here, and he was beaten to within an inch of his life, had half his teeth knocked out, his skull fractured, ribs broken, shoulder dislocated… He

was starved and dehydrated and all kinds of shit. But don’t even think about anything perverted like that.” “Because none of that’s perverted,” I mutter. “Where’s my beer?” Duke asks. “Did they catch the guy?” I ask. “Sort of,” Baron says. “That whole investigation was botched from the start, though. The redneck cops around here don’t know how to deal with real problems.” Or maybe the problems weren’t as real as Baron thinks. Dixie told me that their own sister sent some letter saying it was all faked. But August couldn’t have faked that, could he? I mean, I guess he could have let someone beat him up and then say it was the Darlings, but damn. Those are some extreme lengths to go to just to frame someone. But then, August’s nothing if not extreme. And Dixie could be wrong. Maybe there was no letter, and if there was, maybe it wasn’t from Crystal at all but from a Darling trying to get the charges dropped. And here I am, helping them. “You found him here?” I ask, rubbing my arms, trying to get the goosebumps to go away.

“Has anyone seen my beer?” Duke asks, groping at me until I slap his hand away. His voice is slurred and sleepy, though, and I know we’re about to lose him for the night. “No one found him here,” Baron says. “Devlin’s dad put him in their attic to hide him until he died. But they found him before he did.” “Who found him?” “Crystal and Devlin.” I shudder harder. All I’ve ever heard from Colt and Dixie and even August is how great Crystal was—that everyone loved her, wanted her. She taught them so much. She was such a good, selfless person. But I haven’t heard this part. “After his dad tried to kill August, she still chose Devlin over him?” I ask. “Yeah,” Baron says. “August called her on it, too. He’s blunt as fuck. He thinks he did something wrong because of it, but she needed to hear it. And August’s never been afraid to hit those hard truths, y’know? He’ll say what everyone’s thinking, do the hard shit that no one else wants to do. He doesn’t let anything stand in his way. He gets shit done.” I can practically hear Baron and Duke both swelling with pride every time they talk about August. It’s clear they worship him. But that doesn’t mean they always agree with August. This is the first time I’ve heard anyone paint Crystal as anything less than a saint. I want to hear more, but I’m too fucking cold to ignore it. “Any chance someone left a jacket down here?” I ask. “Or a dry change of clothes?” Baron’s hand finds mine in the dark. “Damn, you are cold,” he says, sitting up. He moves around, and a second later, his warm hoodie envelopes me in its cozy fabric and the scent of him, like boys and faint cologne or deodorant. I pull it down over me and huddle into it with such gratitude I might be tempted to fuck him again if he asked. “Come here and put your head on me, and I’ll tell you both a bedtime story,” Baron says. “I’ve got an extra sucker you can eat while you listen. This is a little tale I like to call, The Fall of the Darlings. Don’t worry. It has a happy ending.”

I adjust my position so I’m lying perpendicular to Baron so I can rest my head on his stomach. It’s better than the cold floor. “Are you going to tell me about how August called your sister on choosing the Darlings over him, and she went ahead with it, anyway?” “Fucked up, right?” I can’t help but agree with him. Who would choose anyone over August? But then, that’s not fair. I’m just learning how crazy love makes a person. Who’s to say I wouldn’t sell out my own family for August? “Did his dad go to jail?” I ask, thinking of Mr. D, who wanted to live vicariously through my sex stories. No conjugal visits, apparently. “For a few months,” Baron says, pressing a sucker into my hand. “They charged him with conspiracy or intent or something along those lines. But his lawyer got him off. The legal system here is even more fucked up than New York. But we got justice.” I unwrap the sucker slowly in the dark. “You killed him?” “Nah,” Baron says. “August doesn’t believe in murder. He says death is easy. Life is suffering.” “So, he’s like an angry Buddha?” Baron chuckles. “Sure. If you die, your suffering ends. If you live, you can suffer for a long time.” “And you made him suffer?” “The whole family,” Baron says proudly.

“While Devlin’s dad was in jail, we made his mom play with us. That lasted a couple months, until she checked herself into Cedar Crest.” Even though people like me could never afford Cedar Crest, of course I’ve heard about the treatment facility. It’s one of the few local claims to fame, since celebrities hole up there for treatment on occasion. It’s basically a resort, or a psych hospital for the rich and famous. “Is she still there?” I ask, suddenly wondering if Mr. D is a man at all. “Nah, when Devlin’s dad got out of jail, he took her out and they moved away. Never even came back to see if they could salvage anything from the fire.” “That’s the house next door?” I ask. “Devlin’s house?” “Yep,” he says. “Such a tragedy it was lost in a fire.” I roll my eyes in the dark. “I’m sure you had nothing to do with that.” “Would we do something like that?” he asks, his tone filled with mock innocence. “You don’t know where he went?” “We know,” he says. “But they were gone from Faulkner, so we moved on. You know what was really fun, Harper?

Seeing their empire crumble as we dismantled it brick by brick.” “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a sociopath?” “Aw, now, you like watching people, too, don’t you, Harper? Always nosing around our business, digging into August’s life. Trying to get him wrapped around your little finger. We’re not so different, you and me.” I shrug my shoulders against his side. “Maybe you’re right.” I’m not so sure, though. I don’t glory in people’s downfall. Or maybe I do. Before August meant something to me, I vowed to take them down. Not to take their throne, but just for the joy of watching them fall. Maybe I’m exactly like Baron, I just don’t hate the Walkers anymore. When they were my enemies, I wanted to watch them burn.

After a minute of sucking on our candy in silence, Baron shifts around to get comfortable and then goes on. “The grandfather Darling, John, had seven sons. All started with J. So we went through them all. After Devlin’s dad, Justin, there’s Joseph—Preston’s dad—and Jacob. That’s Colt and Mabel’s dad. Joseph went to prison for murder. That guy was definitely involved in August’s kidnapping. Get this. He’s such a dick that even Preston refused to be a character witness at his trial.” That’s the Darling I suspect is Mr. D. The one I’ve been feeding information to. I’ve thought of him as a friend before, but I know that’s an illusion created by my own lack. He’s not a friend. He’s a guy so evil his own son wouldn’t stand up for him. And I’ve been giving him information about a boy I love. It makes me feel sick and dirty in a way even his creepy sexual interest never has. Baron goes on when I don’t answer. “We fucked with Lindsey a little, but she was too easy, and then Preston threatened Gloria, so we moved on to Colt’s family. We had some fun with them.” I think of the missing finger on Colt’s hand, the burn scars. His dad’s missing finger, and his cane. Mabel is not just blowing out of town but changing her name so they can’t track her down. I swallow hard, wanting to hear the details I’ve been in the dark about for so long, but fuck. The blasé tone in Baron’s voice makes my skin crawl.

“And then there’s Jeremiah and Jedediah. Twins, actually. Jed had some kind of accident and died of blood loss. He had kids, but they’d already grown and moved away. Jeremiah has two kids. His son would have been a sophomore this year, but he disappeared mysteriously right before he would have started at Willow Heights. But he didn’t change his name, and see, I’m pretty good at finding people. We’ll be watching, and if he ever comes back, we’ll be ready. And then their daughter Magnolia will be a freshman next year. That’ll be fun.” “You don’t even know these people, and you’re literally torturing them until they die?” “They tortured August,” he says, as if that explains everything. “Some little twelve-year-old girl tortured August? Or, wait, she’d have been ten at the time?” “She’s a Darling,” he says. “They would have done the same to us. They tried. The difference is, wherever they tried, we succeeded.” “All because one of them dared to love your sister?” “They killed our sister,” he says, his voice hard. “There are two more Darling men, too. They were disowned by the grandfather and changed their names, but we found them. One of them had moved away, but one of them actually lived in the same trailer park where I believe you hail from. John Jr. I hear he was close with your mom a while back, maybe when you were really little?”

I don’t say anything to that. Lots of men have been close with my mom, and it’s not like I want to explain to Baron Dolce that my mom is a trailer park slut. “Never heard of him,” I say after a minute, because it feels like Baron’s expecting something. “Oh, well, I guess he OD’d, so he’s out of the picture, anyway.” “You literally studied Darling family history and found anyone with that name and just destroyed their lives?” “Not just their name,” he says. “Their blood. Blood makes family, not a name. A name is something you can hide behind or run from, but you can’t hide your DNA. Their blood is poison to this town. And poison has to be eliminated.” “That’s… Harsh.” “They started it.” I lie there not even sure what to say. I want to laugh at the ridiculous pettiness of his response. That’s all he has to say? They started it? That’s the excuse of a five-year-old on the playground. I’m pissed off for the Darlings and I barely know one of them. But shit. No wonder people say the Walkers are evil. They’re brutal as fuck, and Baron just sounds like he’s recounting a boring story about our grandparents when he talks. This isn’t something that happened to someone else, though. He and Duke and yes, August, did all this. Drove people to suicide. Had them imprisoned and committed to mental institutions. I shiver at the thought of what they would do if they found out I was reporting to someone about them. They’d fucking kill me is what. So I better get Mr. D what he wants and cut all ties, the sooner the better. “The Darlings started it by kidnapping August?” I ask, pulling the sucker from my mouth. “That, and stealing Crystal, and even before that, they fucked with our dad when he was in office here. Walkers never forget.” “Can I ask you something?” I say after thinking that over. “Why do you do anything your dad says? August’s 32, and you’re what? 26? You don’t have to do that.” “You wouldn’t understand,” he says. “You come from a fucked up family.” “And yours is so functional.” “Family is everything to the Walkers,” he says. “That’s what Crystal forgot.” “Damn,” I say. “That’s cold.” “It’s a fact,” he says. “People always say that—cold hard truth, cold hard facts. But facts aren’t cold anymore than they’re hot. They’re just facts.”

And that’s the cold part, I think to myself. This guy isn’t just cold, his heart is made of ice. August can make himself that way, but there’s some switch he flips inside to get there. But August feels. He feels a whole fucking lot, probably more than he wants to. Enough that he goes into that dead-eye mode to protect himself. Baron, though… Baron’s ice cold to the core. I remember thinking that about Mr. D, and I wonder yet again if I got it wrong, if it’s not a gross old guy but a hot young guy. “So, she forgot, and she died for it,” I say. “Is that what your dad says to get you to obey him? He threatens to kill you?” “Dad would never threaten us,” Baron says. “He used to use Crystal to get August to do what he wanted, though. But he’s not blunt like August. With Dad, it’s always a subtle suggestion, a gentle reminder of where we stand.” “You admire him,” I say. It’s laced through every word he speaks, in his tone of voice, as clear as his admiration for his brother. That makes him that much scarier. He’s so detached it’s unnatural and a little terrifying. How can that same boy be lying here stroking my hair and pillowing my head, giving me his sweatshirt when I’m cold and telling me I’m his friend? “He’s a self-made millionaire,” Baron says. “What’s not to admire?” The fact that he pimps out his own kids, first off.

I don’t say anything, though. I don’t know if their father does that or if it’s August’s doing. I don’t know if the twins know, or if they do it, too. And I’m not about to spill that kind of information to anyone, not even August’s brother, without knowing. “Duke’s passed out cold,” Baron says after a few minutes. “Guess we’re alone.” “Yeah,” I say, moving to sit up. Baron’s hand tightens in my hair, though, and he sits up, so my head is in his lap. “Stay,” he says. “Maybe now that we have a minute alone together…” “What?” I ask, turning toward him even though I can’t see him in the dark. “You’re going to hit on me?” “No one would know,” he says, his fingers gently stroking my hair. “I’d know,” I say. “You’d know.” “Just a little suck?” he asks, and a second later, he pushes himself against my face. I don’t know when he whipped his dick out, but it’s hard and hot and so shocking that for a second, I don’t move. Then reality kicks in and I scramble away. “What the fuck, Baron.” “You make me so hard,” he says. “I’ve been thinking about it ever since I saw you going down on August. And listening to you lick that sucker… I know you feel it, too. You’re attracted to me.”

“Look, Baron,” I say. “Sure, I’ll admit you’re hot. Maybe if I wasn’t into your brother, I’d be into you. But I am, and I’m not.” “Just for a minute,” he says, his voice almost pleading. He takes my hand and gives it a little squeeze. “I just want to feel your mouth. I won’t even make you swallow.” He pulls my hand down, wrapping my fingers around his hard length. It throbs in my hand, and I gulp at the sensation. “No way.” I yank my hand back, my heart hammering. “You shouldn’t even be asking. The only way that’s happening is if you rape my face like your brother did.” “I’m not going to force you to do anything,” he says. “If I did, you’d tell August, and he’d kick my ass. But if you want to do it, no one will tell him. It’ll be just between us. Our little secret. Like what I told you here tonight. I trusted you. Don’t you trust me?” “It’s a little hard when you’re literally telling me to keep a secret from the guy I—the guy I’m seeing.” He’s quiet for a second, and I think he’s going to ask what I was about to say, if I was going to let slip the L-word. “Just this once?” he asks instead.

“Fuck you, Baron,” I say, getting up and feeling my way through the dark. I don’t know where I’m going, but I want to be further from him and his dick. My pulse is still stuttering, and I don’t like the uncertain feeling in my belly one bit. “I could make it worth your while,” he says. “I could make you a Swan.” “What?” “Just because you didn’t let us take turns with you, that doesn’t mean it couldn’t still count. If you fucked multiple Swans… You’d be sexed in.” “You said three of you.” “I bet I could convince Duke,” he says. “Maybe if you just gave him head, too… It’s not even sex. But we could tell them it was.” “And I’d be a Swan.” “Betray a friend for a Swan…” he says, quoting the challenges I read. “And I faced my fear in the passage?” “Didn’t you?” “So that would be all the challenges. And the gauntlet—blowing you and Duke—would get me in.” “Just like you wanted.” I think about that for a second. I could be on the inside. I’d give Mr. D everything he wanted.

. But I’d lose August, and somewhere along the way, he became more important. “I’ll pass,” I say. “I try not to go around trading sexual favors to get what I want.” “Not even when it’s what you want, too?” he asks, his voice closer than I expected. “Touch me, and you’ll see exactly how much I want it,” I say, dropping the sucker stem on the floor so my fists are ready. “And you’ll be pissing out a hole in the side of your dick for the rest of your life.” “Jesus,” he says. “You’re fucked up, you know that?” “You know what’s more fucked up? You continued to harass me when I said I wasn’t interested. I’m interested in August. That’s it. Not you, not Duke, not any of your other Swans.” “You’ll change your mind when you’re the meat in a twin sandwich,” he says. “But I’ll let you have it your way. For now.” “Gee, thanks for not raping me. Don’t let me forget to give you a gold star on our way out.” “I’d appreciate that.” I stalk over to the side of the room and find a chair. I curl up in it to wait for morning. Even with the hoodie, it’s so fucking cold I’m shivering, though.

“Come on, don’t sleep over there,” Baron says. “I put my dick away. Come over here by us. It’s too cold to sleep alone.” “I’d rather not get raped in my sleep.” “That’s not our style,” he says. “Though, if you have a kink about that, I have a friend who could help you out.” “No, thanks.” “For fuck’s sake, just relax,” he says. “I was just seeing if you wanted it bad enough. Obviously, you don’t. You’re not committed enough to be a Swan.” “And you’re not going to try to molest me in my sleep?” “What fun is that?” he asks. “If you don’t fight back, it’s not worth taking.” “You’re really selling this.” “Come on,” he says. “It’s cold down here, and you stole my hoodie, and I don’t want to snuggle my brother’s blacked-out ass. You’re going to freeze over there by yourself. I promise I won’t fuck with you anymore. I get it. You’re August’s, and until he’s done with you, you’re off limits.” “I’m sleeping with my pocketknife in my hand,” I say. “I’ll cut you if you grope me.” “Deal,” he says. “Now get over here and let us keep you warm.”

I make my way back over and slide down next to Duke. Baron scoots over and wraps an arm around me. I have to admit, it’s nice to feel them on either side of me, keeping me warm like he promised, instead of holding onto my pride and freezing my ass off in a chair. Still, I don’t sleep until I feel him relax, his breathing going deeper as he falls into sleep first. I blink awake when the electricity comes back on, the light on the ceiling flickering a few times before remaining on. It takes a second for my eyes to adjust and see August standing over us. I scramble up, my heart stampeding in my chest. My hands fly up as if to defend myself from the accusation in his eyes. “It’s not—we were just sleeping.” “Did you fuck them?” he asks quietly. “No,” I say, my hands falling to my sides. I remember Duke’s threat from last night. No matter what happened, there’s not a damn thing I can do to convince him if they say otherwise. “Not for lack of trying,” Duke says, stretching his arms over his head. Baron sits and picks up his glasses and my knife from the floor before standing. “Didn’t touch her,” he says. “We tried everything you said to.” I snatch my knife back and turn on August. “What the fuck? Is this some kind of game to you?”

He gives me a cool look. “You wanted to be a Swan. I just wanted to know how bad you wanted it.” “You were testing me? You really think I’d fuck your brothers? That’s not even part of the initiation, is it? You just wanted a reason to dump me.” “Hey, don’t be upset about it,” he says with a lazy smile. “You passed.” “You were never going to let me into the Swans, were you? This is all just a hilarious game to you, seeing what you can make me do.

Even if I passed every challenge, you’d never let me in your little, preppy boys club.” “And you should thank me for that,” he says quietly, his dark eyes going serious. “Fuck you, August,” I say, stomping past him and up the stairs. “Oh, I will,” he says behind me. “The only question is, should I let you cool down first or rage fuck you right now?” “Try it and see what happens,” I snap. It feels good to step into the library and slam the door in his face. I’m tired and sore from sleeping on the floor, not to mention I’m wearing the same clothes as yesterday but with the addition of a good amount of dirt. On top of that, I don’t even have my bag. But there’s only fifteen minutes until the morning meeting starts, which means I can’t go home without missing it. No matter what I said to Baron last night, I still fucking hate August half the time.

#henry cavill #henry cavill imagine #henry cavill x you #henrycavill smut #august walker fanfic #henry cavill thirst #august walker #august walker imagines #august walker fanfiction #henry cavill characters

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mcybree · 6 months

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🌓 + ❄️ + 🌌

🌓 - opinions on watcher lore?

(warning for any onlookers I am a hater in this one. avert your eyes)

I think it’s fun in passing, like I have fun with it when I make an AU and have to incorporate it in a silly way but I feel as though watcher “KILL EACH OTHER WE MUST FEED” brand of interpretations undermine the entire narrative by tossing aside every character’s own agency and reducing their internal struggles to set-ups by immoral gods. There is only so much “I dont want to do this but I have to :( the watchers told me so” a story can take before it becomes the narrative happening *to* all of the characters, rather than the characters making their own bad decisions which takes away all the fun for me. similarly, watcher grian has always bothered me but I only ever put into words why a few days ago— If I was writing the life series, I would look take one look at Grian’s character and separate grian (watcher lore) and grian (the guy) into two different characters. I’ve never seen watcher grian incorporated in a way that compliments his character or says anything about who he is as a person. The Watchers are a punchline to me <\3

❄️ - be honest, which character do you care about the least?

I have thought extensively about every character at some point in my year long hyperfixation hellscape *except* for Etho and Impulse; through nature of being a scott megabuild mutual I care about Etho now like I get it but Impulse… im sorry man. I have still yet to get it I’ll keep trying though. I cant make myself write something without feeling that I have a grasp on how everyone involved thinks and acts I could not live with myself if I made every impulse fan point at me and go HE WOULD NOT FUCKING SAY THAT!!!! before rightfully banishing me to the beyond

🌌 - what happens when the players die?

Okay so. To me. The games are set in a dubious state of reality, like a simulation but theyre still made of flesh and blood and the trees are still breathing and the dirt is still dirt. I’m going to cite the infinity train car coding for how I sort of imagine this works… where its all living breathing thinking feeling but the organics of it are still attached to adjustable values behind the scenes. This is all to say that none of the players ever really sleep— the games existing in this dubious state of reality allows for adjustments to be made and this was one of them. So when they *die* die, the memories they gathered throughout the game are sort of flipped through and finalized in this window of time before the next game, creating a warped nonsensical dream sequence loosely based on the events of the game that they experience until the next one. I visualize this as a sort of psychedelic drug trip combination of all sorts of familiar places and people merging together but eerie nightmare purgatory dreams like being at an empty convenience store at night while echoes surround you is just as likely tbh.

TLDR what happens when the players die is whatever makes the coolest visuals for an animatic SORRY. Like if I’m being completely honest it’s whatever I need it to be to tell the story I made this up retroactively,

#THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE ASK I had a blast answering these #mine #< just in case I need to find it again #asks #bree barks so fucking loud

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daydreaming-scheming-demon · 5 months

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how can people make friends so easily? how the fuck is it even possible to make a friend? or even do anything with anyone? i've heard stories of ppl who can just have casual sex with strangers and im just thinking, how the fuck is that possible? i can't even get someone to want to talk to me, the online world has been the only place where i even have a chance to hold a conversation.

i've listened to people's fucking advice on how to make friends and none of it works. they say "oh, well if u keep showing up to the same group of people or whatever eventually u're sure to make some friends" and NO, THAT DOES NOT FUCKING WORK. they just turn you into a background character. they're not interested in anything you have to say or do, they tune you out, i've seen it.

when we went bowling i was put in a lane all by myself because the lane everyone was playing on was full. i've been kept out of playing mario party because there weren't enough controllers. ive sat through an entire dnd session without doing anything besides looking at a letter because the dm forgot about me.

i shouldn't even be mad about any of that. because if im gonna be honest with myself, even if i were put in the same lane as everyone, even if i were able to join in on mario party, even if i were included more in the dnd session, i highly doubt i would've been able to make any friends anyway. because that's just the kind of person i am. it's not like i don't try to force myself to be included, ppl just seem to naturally push me away.

and just to clarify, they don't push me away in the "i don't like you" kind of way, they push me in away in the "i don't care for you" kind of way. and honestly, i think id rather they hated me. because at least then they would care about me.

i thrive much better in the online world, but even then i still feel like i'm missing a manual on how friends are supposed to be made. i see people on steam with thirty something friends, and although im aware most are likely not very close to the person, im still very much all "how the fuck did u meet all those people".

i can't even remember the last time i had physical contact. i would hug my therapist but due to reasons beyond my control ive only been able to have online sessions with her.

quite a while ago i had an online friend who i'd talk with quite a lot. she was so nice to me, always brightened me up. we'd talk for hours about each other's troubles and such. we knew each other ever since i was 15 and she was 14. she was the only thing keeping me sane through all those years. but almost a year ago now, she ghosted me. i still don't know why she did it, she never said anything. i can still see her online, she just avoids me. this ruined me. i was only left to assume the worst, that there was something wrong with me, and i didnt know what.

now i freak out over being ignored, i convince myself everyone secretly hates me. i know im probably wrong, it's not all about me. but i can't stop myself from thinking the worst. i fixate over if anyone will ghost me like she did. im trying to get over this, slowly but hopefully surely.

i have massive amounts of self hatred that feel impossible to get over. i cant think of a day where i havent told myself i hate myself, and recently ive been telling myself to kill myself more frequently. i want anyone who says "how can you expect others to love you when you can't even love yourself" to go die in a volcano. by the time i'm able to solve this self hatred problem i'd probably have already died from loneliness.

for fuck's sake, im venting on tumblr to whoever happens to see this. because i have nobody to fucking go to to express these feelings. i have nobody, so im venting to fucking tumblr. fuck.

i just wish i had someone.

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marscia · 2 years

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how do you make time to read and write instead of go on your phone/computer? it's hard for anybody but im really impressed that you've nailed it down into your routine, i'm assuming it's just doing it often enough that it becomes a habit? do you have any tips? what does your routine look like? 💌

hello, thank you! I get what you mean.. although reading is part of my regular routine, some days I also find myself in a slump and end up killing time on my phone/computer instead. and you’re right! like any other habit, you just have to read as often as you can until it becomes one. anyway, there’s nothing particularly special about my routine heh but here are a few things I do that might help you out

take a book with you wherever you go. you’ll be surprised at how much reading you can actually squeeze in on your morning/afternoon commute (commit to reading instead of going on your phone, unless you got motion sickness of course), waiting in line at the grocery store, or killing time between classes/meetings. there’s always an opportunity to read so take a book or two with you at all times!

read for 30 minutes to an hour per day. 2-3 hours does it for me but it depends on how long you can retain your attention span. this one in particular requires discipline so it might take a while if reading isn’t already in your daily routine. it’s worth it though! as for me I get more reading done at night

prioritize reading. and I mean only if you seriously want to nail it down into your routine. instead of going on your phone to watch netflix or scroll through social media during lunch time, you can read your book. small breaks like that are a good opportunity to get some reading done. personally I spend more of my time reading than watching films/shows

cleanse your palate in between books!! after you’ve finished reading, for example, a literary fiction novel, pick a fast-paced mystery/thriller next if you’re into that. I know some friends who read purely romance novels and nothing else (I have nothing against that genre it’s just not my thing) and then complain about being in a slump, when all they do is read the same recycled plot over and over again

plan and manage your time well. of course I also have uni and work to worry about but I make it a point to accomplish my tasks and shut down my laptop at 5 pm, 7 pm at the latest. but that also means I always have to be at my desk at 8 or 9 am *sharp* so that I’m not pressed for time by the end of the day. that way I’m able to allot the rest of my evening to reading without feeling guilty

I hope these help! happy reading <3

edit: I didn't notice you were also asking about how I make time for writing ahh sorry! but yeah I basically just try to write every night before bed, usually takes me an hour. some days when I'm in a writing slump I don't really force it, but often I'm able to write a poem or two each night

#bookblr #reading

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estro-boi · 8 months

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cw suicide (not mine, I'm just venting), cw abuse

in 2017 i moved in with a girl because nobody would rent to her on her own. we were good friends and i knew full well that we wouldn't be by the time i moved out. given that she would be homeless otherwise, i did it. she made multiple suicide attempts during this period, each of which is seared into my memory. the first time she went into my room and stole all my benzos trying to overdose (thankfully benzos alone are pretty hard to die from unless you fall down the stairs or something). it was like 4am. she then demanded that i give her more (there were no more, she didn't believe me) or she'd leave and kill herself and it would be my fault. the second time she texted me the note while i was at work and i had to spend 45 minutes on public transport terrified that there was a corpse waiting for me at the end. when i got there someone had called an ambulance so my home was full of paramedics and cops. the bathtub was full of blood and she needed to get a ton of stitches at the hospital. i couldn't bring myself to put my arm in the tub and drain it so until she came home i couldn't go for a piss without seeing it and thinking about what i very nearly came back to. the third time she spent maybe a fortnight telling me she was going to kill herself on her birthday and if i told anyone or tried to stop her then she'd do it earlier. she'd sit in her room blasting the same incredibly depressing song over and over for two straight weeks while i just sat in bed hearing it through the wall and crying and not knowing what to do. one time she left a note and took some rope and disappeared in the middle of the night and i was searching through the woods in pitch darkness for over an hour trying to find her, again terrified that i'd get there too late. there were a bunch more incidents like this.

this was 18 months of my life, 18 months of constant hypervigilance for any kind of slight change in tone or behaviour that might indicate something was about to happen again. being the only other person around, her anger and frustration would get projected onto me, manifesting as constant emotional manipulation and abuse. any problems i had were a personal insult because i hadn't gone through what she'd been through. anything i did, literally as far as buying food for her dog because he'd run out, would turn into hours-long struggle sessions where every aspect of my character was torn to shreds. accusations that i was some kind of predator who'd only moved in because i was trying to fuck her came up a lot.

i got deeper into pills, i was getting shitfaced every night, i wasn't socialising, i was barely sleeping. by the end i was literally just staring at the walls silently because i was scared to do anything else. i couldn't leave because she had no means of supporting herself and the added stress might have been the final straw that killed her. even after she told me to leave, i kept paying rent for months because she couldn't afford it. she spent those months texting me more abuse, telling me on one occasion that I should kill myself.

there's no real point to this, i just need to vent it somewhere. it's been 5 years since i moved out and im still paralysed with anxiety whenever i do anything. i can't go to shows anymore, i can't meet people, im silent all the time because im scared to make noise. i freak out if im doing anything and i can hear someone talking because im afraid that i'll seem like im ignoring them, which was a massive flashpoint in that house. i barely leave the house to do anything. i feel like i haven't relaxed in years, im constantly on edge now because i had to be back then as a matter of life and death.

i never got any closure in any of this. i think about this girl every single day when some horrible memory or other bubbles up in my brain. i can close my eyes right now and see the bathtub where she slashed her wrists. i can see her at my bedroom door yelling at me to give her drugs that i didn't have. i don't know if she's alive. i can't talk to anybody about it. i tried to help my friend and it ruined my life.

#personal

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kimbap-r0ll · 2 years

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HELLOOO CAN I GET A TWST MATCH UP??( btw I actually want to make this as a trade instead ,I really want to draw your pfp !)

Appearance:

-I’m a female! Really short I wouldn’t say I’m proud of it but it’s about 146cm and i have a medium build. Super short black hair,people say I’d look like a boy if it wasn’t for my voice and my height . I like to wear oversized stuff and shorts.

Personality:

-I’m overall a really quiet, polite and awkward person in public.I have a hard time making friends or talk.I only speak when someone talk to me first.I keep on shuttering,shaking n blushing whenever i talk in front of the crowd,but it get better when im just talking to 1-2 person(please social anxiety is killing me).People pleaser, even if I know that they dislike me I’d still want to please them.I guess I’m really good at reading people .I hardly ever shown any emotion at all in public,bitch resting face <33

-When I’m with my close ones I tend to be chaotic and active I also joke around a lot. Screaming every 5 seconds and constantly annoy them. I acted like I don’t care about them but when something serious happen I will be my softer self ,giving them gift or stay by their side and comfort them.

-I tend to talk to myself whenever I’m alone, like splitting into different version of myself and talk about my day and problems (self venting 😍💅). I daydream a lot like every 10 minutes I thought of a new scenario.I act proud and giving myself compliments on everything I do.And I cuss a lot more when I’m by myself.

-I get overly excited and hype when I’m in my messaging/texting mode. I absolutely detest talking in person or facetime.I literally have another persona online.Im a pretty hard working type of person,i constantly overwhelmed and stressed myself out on being better than I already am.My motivation is money 🥰

- I have a really bad memory, lost track of time easily.Bad mood swing, happy and playful,then having a mental breakdown a moment later.I often skip meals depending on my mood.

-I love going outside but just with myself, I love exploring and observing things.I spend most of my time in the dark locking myself in room, draw ,sometime play games and then sleep. My daily routine is just helping my family and then go inside my room.

-Willing to try new things, do whatever I want without caring what other people think.I don’t get influenced by people negative thoughts of me.Will fuck them up if they directly mess with me or hurt my loved ones.

-I will literally fall for someone who show me the slightest act of kindness. After crushing on them for like a week I’ll just move on.

-I never really hate someone,but if I do I won’t try to hide it.I will always look through other people perspective and try to understand ,what they are going through before judging them.

I’m Asexual,INFP and an Aries

I really can’t think of anything I disliked other than insects 💋

Hello, sorry this is so late! I don't think you are a follower of mine, and that is a requirement for the event, but since you are offering to make this a trade or so, I'm going to let it slide only this time. I look forward to seeing your art btw! Without further ado, the character that I think would be the best match for you would be...

Idia

Look, it's Ignihyde!

The two of you probably got scared to talk to each other at first :/, but after the two of you started to get closer, you guys started to open up. He would start talking about the kinds of games he likes and his other interests, while you started to warm up to him as well (you dropped your resting bitch face after a few times meeting him, which made him less scared of you haha). But seriously, he doesn't mind if you have social anxiety since he prefers staying with a few close people already. The two of you are similar in that sense, and it gives him comfort knowing that you guys prefer less crowded areas.

Don't worry about seeming chaotic with him when you get close, he's just as chaotic probably. He'll always seem tired outside but when the two of you are hanging out together, he has unlimited energy. This can be seen with how long you guys stay up playing games online or binge watching anime. He understands how you have an online persona, since he's similar in that way. He would never have the courage to facetime anyone, but he's totally fine texting or gaming with total strangers. If anything, it's comforting to know that he's not the only one like this, since it seems like everyone around him prefers to facetime on random occasions. He probably likes to daydream as much as you do too. If you ever draw, he would love to see what you come up with. You can show him a draft or a sketch and he'll be impressed, he might melt if you ever draw him haha.

He admires how hardworking and caring you are! Your motivation is strong, and he wants to be your #1 supporter. But if you ever overwork yourself and he sees you, he might try to stop you and get you to rest a bit. Taking a break is healthy after all! Meanwhile, he also admires how you never judge anyone by their first impressions or appearances. He's always been seen as the strange geek dorm leader of Ignihyde by a lot of students, and the fact that you saw him more than just that made him so happy. Please comfort him whenever you can, he really needs hugs ;-;.

#twst #twisted wonderland #twst headcanons #twst imagines #twst x reader #twst scenarios #twisted wonderland x reader #twst ignihyde #twst idia #twst idia shroud #twst idia x reader #idia headcanons #idia x y/n #twst matchup #matchups #ask box #ignihyde headcanons

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shushthisaintmytumbla · 11 months

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I guess its the Summer Solstice so here we are again! 6/21/23

Wow I knew I neglected my last pot but here we are back even later than the last one! Like i say everytime it is wild to see how much has changed in my life the past couple of years. Ups down and everything in between I come back to this spot everytime and see the growth I’ve made. All by myself. All for myself. I cant always see it but moments where I read back on the past I am brought right back to those moments and never lose sight of how I felt in the past.

I keep seeing on TikTok that today is a Summer Solstice meaning it is a great opportunity for manifestations so lets try this out why not! I guess I’ll start by giving a quick synopsyis of my life from the past 10 months or however long (wow sorry I abandoned this for that long!!!!)

Lets start with Work. I am still at the same OI job and feel like I have grown sooo much. I cant say im perfect at my job, but I know I have made a shit load of progress that i’m very proud of. I shifted off of working with my mngr which has made the biggest impact on my happiness at the job. I was going from having weekly panic attacks to not even having to review a single email anymore. I am really proud of myself for treading through the mud and getting to the point where I am at now. Now for the manifestation segment. I am going to get a promotion soon. This SUMMER! I FEEL IT. I am such a hard worker and really have gained the experience to move up in the company. I am confident it will happen in the next couple months. I cant wait to come back here and tell you all about it. It will be my first real promotion at a job which is something that I’ve really wanted to achieve since I havent gotten to this point at any of my previous jobs. You got this Case.

Now for relationships. Tricky subject and yep you guessed it D is still around. I have tested a coupe other relationships with E and A and C... but somehow D makes it through the motions of every single season. I do want to touch on E for a sec. I have grown to build an amazing relationship with him, but I havent seen him for a few weeks and I feel like the relationship is starting to fade. Im sick of getting 100% and then a week later not even 1%. I am fully aware it has nothing to do with me and more so his own struggles, but I do need to realize at the end of the day that its ok to want more from someone and he cant give me what I need as much as hes shown me how I can be treated in a healthy way. He’s the boy Ive always dreamt of how someone can treat/care for you, but this story just isnt ours at this point in time. Who knows what the future holds. Now D. Oh boy. As we all know its been a fucking roller coaster. I have felt the highest of highs w him and the lowest of lows. I do hold love for him (but not so sure ive ever been in love... idk what that even is lmao). We’ve gotten to a point where I feel like I have been holding my power for quite some time now. I don’t have the same anxieties as I had for him in the past and i don’t prioritize him over others. We’ve tried not speaking (jan 2023) for a couple weeks and ultimately he just came back and I allowed it. I cant cut him out of it killed me. It’s so fucking hard. I am working on figuring out his place in my life and how we can carry on without hurt, but I feel like I am slowy falling back in the trap/cycle. We had a really nice day together the other weekend and I felt those anxious attachment feelings creeping in... I need to remember the things that have happened and try to prepare for the worst, but is it crazy to say that what if we are meant for each other? The other day I was able to imagine being in a relationship with him and it shocked me how I felt so good the whole day. Idk prob the worst thought ever but.. idk.. why are we magents to each other? Lastly I wanna touch on friendships and new york life. My friends here are still the same (but Karina now lives in Miami) and I love them so much, but I’ve been feeling myself longing for my relationships in LA. There are many weekends where my friends here are out of town and I feel left alone many times. In LA I would have the comfort of my family when friends arent around, but theyre 100s of miles away from me. I really miss them so fucking much it hurts. I think the longer I am away the more and more I realize how special my family is. I especially feel bad being away from my mom. She asks me nearly everytime we talk when I’ll come back and little does she know I’ve been toying with the idea of returning once my lease is up. If not that I think I have 1 year left in me. It still shocks me to say it and feel confident in that, but I really miss my family. Thats truly the only thing pulling me back bc I love this city and who I have become here so damn much. Im not putting too much pressure on the decision as I still have 10 months on my lease, but it is in the back of my mind. I feel like I’ll lead myself to the right choice soon though. So much would change though. I told D the other day about the idea and he said he would be so sad which kinda surprised me. It would be the end for us if I did move back which im not sure is a good or bad thing. Sometimes I tell myself the love of my life is not here and I wont meet them till I move back lol. Im not sure where the future is gonna bring me, but im confident in myself to do what is right for me. Leaving my friends here would also be horrible, but at the end of the day if they are the friendships I believe them to be, we will still be as close as ever and planes exist!! I guess thats kinda it for now. But this is still the start to an amazing summer with so much fun in store I can feel it!!! I have a trip to the shore coming up next weekend and then im going back home for my bday end of july - aug. Later in the summer I am going to portugal with my family!!! and something BIIGGGG is gonna happen in the fam :o Cant write it in words here till it happens. Until then, I love you. Im proud of you. and life is always working out in my favor. <3 Love,

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wooahaes · 2 years

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.... ok, layton anon here again (I might just use that as a tag if that's okay? 👉🏻👈🏻)

I literally just typed out a long ass reply and then tumblr decided to crash - but maybe it's a sign to try and keep it shorter (update: i failed)

for the maze runner thing, it was honestly just about the "people appearing one after another without memories" I think aside from that it's very different, especially in terms of general atmosphere. I've read Day 1 too now btw and I loved it sm! I'm really intrigued to see how it continues<3

I hope your meds are safe for you to take and that they help quickly!!

yess him being like shigure would work really well (i also love shigure sm as a unit but that's a different story)

Also imma be honest as well - i'm the same. Birthright is the only one I finished and other than that I'm like almost through with awakening, halfway with echoes and revelations and idek how far with three houses. I think I get too much into strategizing and spend too much time planning out the classes and skills instead of just playing and then I tend to abandon the games for a while...

So since I'm not super deep into the story myself my 3h au isn't that deep. Y/n would take Byleths place, simply because it makes a lot of sense. And then I sorta assigned the units to the houses based on Vibes TM aka Blue Lions - HHU, Black Eagles - Vocal, Golden Deer Tiger - Performance.

I also felt that some characters shared traits or reminded me of members (Linhardt - Han, Ferdinand - Seungkwan, Sylvain - Mingyu, Claude - Hoshi, Ignatz - Hao). But they'd mostly be themselves and not take over the exact role of anyone. I've also have thoughts on classes for some but not for all. I think Woozi would be something along the lines of a General, Han would be a Dark Mage, Hoshi a Hero, Scoups a Swordmaster or Cavalier (or anything else just give the man a sword) and- yeah I think I'll end it here

thanks for letting me share my fire emblem brain rot!! have a good day/night/evening!<3

omg hiii thats absolutely fine!! i didnt want to just assign it to u but thats 100% fine w me!!

its ok i also fail at writing short responses 90% of the time dskfhdsf tumblr crashing during those is awful tho

ooo yeah fair :0 i can def see it!! ive learned a lot abt tmr through posting this fic lmao but im glad you liked day 1!! the fics gonna honestly slow down for a bit purely bc the next 13 parts are each individual members parts and those are honestly just gonna take a hot sec for me to like... be happy w all of them :(

aaa i still havent taken them just bc. anxiety bad! they shouldnt have any bad interactions since they're not a sulfa drug, but anxiety louder, y'know? im waiting until i know family is awake (yes ik its 4 pm shh) in case i need shit

i also love shigure but thats at least slightly bc of my love for m*tt m*rcer as a voice actor sdfhsdkjfh i adore him tho!! thats my beloved!!

i get DEEP in trying to figure out my units tbh i usually end up drafting out my pairings when i play. if awakening + conquest both had the ability to scout out things as easily as u can in birthright + revelations, i would have def beat them by now tbh.

but also i tend to abandon games after a while by accident sdkfhsdfh

i know little abt 3h but i am nodding along and golden tiger makes me happy. its what my man deserves <3

me lookin up these characters and sees ferdinand is confident and hates losing like YEP thats kwannie. i can see a lot of the comparisons u drew!! :0

i can def see general woozi + hero hoshi + swordsmaster cheol + dark mage han!! cheol is getting a sword and thats all i care about actually /j (nah but if i could give him some sort of rally skill, i think he + woozi + hosh would all have one in some shape!! and most likely seok too since booseoksoon leader ykno)

i honestly feel like shua would potentially be a war cleric. can heal you, but can also can Kill.

alternatively for hannie tho he could be thief -> trickster imo?

i honestly feel like vernon miiight either be a cavalier or an archer. its a gut thing tbh i cannot explain otherwise.

u are always welcome to share ur fe brainrot sdkfhsdf this blog is where i share my svt + trsr (+ skz tbh) brainrot now lmao y'all can Always share stuff ur interested in w me!! i hope u also have a good day/night/evening! <3

#wooahaes.ask #layton anon

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dakotafoxandtheobstacles · 4 months

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12/30/23

As we approach new years eve i can't help but reflect. Allison i don't think you know the damage that you did that day. Like you cannot just chalk it up to you being a coward. What you did was so incredibly selfish and hurtful i don't think ill ever understand it. You lied straight to my face while we were together. And then you gave yourself an hour to draft a text talking about "its not you its me" when everything you said over the phone, and discord, and through text and when we were together was saying the exact opposite. I will never fucking understand why you did what you did and more so I don't understand how someone can fucking do that. I didn't even have the chance to process it because i was just so fucking hurt by it.

At 26.5 years old, I have been hurt in countless ways; for my academic hoes, my ACEs score is 5. I have been fucking abandoned and discarded like trash in more ways than i can count to the point where it no longer feels like a coincidence it just feels like this is what is meant to happen to me. Based on the patterns I am the variable that is not meant to be loved. I am simply a tool for others to use to figure out what they really want. And what they want is never me. I don't think it is ever going to be me. I think I am just going to keep getting left behind and dropped. Again and again and again.

Sam, Ally, Allison, Keith, Fred, Moms, Dad:

You have all hurt me in each unique way. I am so fucking angry at all of you. I am so angry because each of you have contributed to all the reasons and ways that I hate myself. Having what has happened to me over and over and over again leads me to believe that these situations and feelings will never stop happening to me. I feel like there must be something so wrong with me for things like this to keep happening. I really don't understand what I did wrong or what is inherently wrong with me. I don't get it.

I am trying so hard to get better but this time of year the guilt i feel for simply existing is fucking overwhelming. I feel so guilty for everything I have done or been involved in. I feel like all I do is poison everything I touch and that people should keep their distance from me because of that. I can't help but feel that in addition to being born wrong I guess I have had herpes for over a year now and every day i feel more disgusted with myself. Every person im attracted to im terrified to get too close to because I will tell them about the herpes and they will never want to touch me or have me touch them. And the ones that would like colin was looking for an exit strategy the whole time.

I think it might be impossible for people to love me. Allison made it clear she was incapable of it. Ally tried to twist me into something more appealing to her. Sam ruined me, without even warning me of the possibility and then ghosted me like the 6 months we were fucking weekly meant nothing at all. Colin, Peyton, Abby, Anna, and more who ive wiped from my memory all were just with me until they could be with someone they actually wanted to be with. Peyton didn't even bother to hide it from me.

And I am so angry at my parents for introducing all of these thoughts and behavioral patterns to me in the first place. What the fuck is wrong with yall. none of you should have been parents until you treated your own shit because now i have to pick up the pieces and foot tooth and nail to make sure i don't fucking kill myself. its not fucking fair i did not fucking ask for this and now i have to deal with it. i am so fucking mad. Why did u guys do that i don't get it. Jen always took better care of casey than she did me. she was never emotionally there for me especially when i needed her to be. bonny fucking groomed me and probably abused me. and my dad never wanted me in the first place.

really im just so fucking tired of feeling like i am going to be abandoned at any time because i dont deserve anything but myself.

and i'm supposed to try to heal while there is a fucking genocide being paid for with my tax dollars???? War criminals get free health care but I fucking dont????? fuck u fuck everyone its all a bunch of bullshit i fucking hate this world and my self so like what the fuck is left honestly.

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rvxscreams · 5 months

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im genuinely grappling with the decision of whether to live or die

ive told myself the last few years, in order to get through each day, "you can either choose to end your life now, or accept that youll be alive for another long time, so why not try and make that time left more bearable?". this usually works. i think whats scaring me about where my mind is going is that the solution is slowly becoming "well then maybe i'll end my life instead"

maybe because im a coward. a coward who isnt strong enough to confront or challenge myself with the things i need to do in order to get better. ive always tried so damn hard to take accountability, be compassionate, supportive, and strong. but i havent been able to be strong for months now.

im stuck between a rock and a hard place. it always results in me punishing myself no matter what choice i make. i want to reach out to loved ones and ask for support? get fucked, youre selfish and manipulative for forcing others to give that emotional tax to you without you giving anything to them in months. but oh, you want to just quietly disappear and not make a theatrical out of fear of being attention seeking, so you dont ask for help or talk to anyone for weeks on end? youre a stubborn baby who cant accept help so theres no point in helping you because all you ever do is refuse it

i am a bad person. and i wish i stopped deluding myself into thinking im not, because all that does is skirt accountability.

i hate expressing how much pain and agony im in because itll just upset people. but then offing myself would upset them more. but i need to feel community and connection. and i feel like it's too late to come back from my isolation. how can i just come back in pretending like nothing happened? how can i pretend that i dont wanna kill myself every god damn fucking day and that ive spent months of having my biggest achievement be "i didnt hurt myself"

i cant get through a therapy session without sobbing. i cant think about my old life without having a breakdown. i try so. so. so. fucking hard. to amp myself up to reach out to people, but it's so easy to convince ymself that my presence will receive a strong negative response. like. why bother? i have no positive impact on others. i dont know why im still holding on and deluding myself into thinking it's worth doing so.

im stupid. no matter what i think or feel, my brain manages to find the negative in it and turn it into makign it my fault somehow.

ive always thought i am too weak for this world, and that has become apparent again.

i wish i could be strong.

i wish i could go to bed excited for what the next day will bring, instead of hoping that it'll be my last conscious thought.

im sorry.

this isnt a goodbye note. i am safe but i am not okay at all. im sorry for the heaviness of this. i dont want to be an emotioonal burden any more. i dont want to be thsi way. i just watn this pain to end. i just want it to all go away.

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mindovermatterismagicc · 9 months

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oh i love you so much. i just feel so loving towards you tonight i just want to write my heart out. i never thought id be so in love ever, honestly before you i thought i was the most unlovable person, thank you for showing me what love is, all my life ive never felt love reciprocated to me but this time knowing that even if i dont love myself or believe in myself one day therell be atleast one person who would disagree. i cannot tell you enough how much of an impact youve had on my life, ive never been happier, i dont feel depressed anymore knowing youll always be there for me and how youve told me how i mean to you and that youre so proud of me. it goes such a long way i promise. the efforts you take for me and how much you adjust things for me whether it be ruining your sleep schedule or calling me in a train, it brings such a smile to my face knowing that wow man someone is so in love with me that theyre willing to go out of their way to do all this for me. i feel loved, i feel so fullfilled and i feel so not lonely anymore. thank you for healing a part of me i didnt know i needed to be touched, 13 year old vivaan no longer wants to kill himself and thinks life is entirely depressing anymore, because you made it shine, you brought light to my life and now you are my life, youre all i look after all i want, every thought, every action everything just comes down to you good or bad and thats beautiful that it settles to you because theres nothing i would want mean ore to me than you. 217/365 days. and ive only seen you for 2 of them but im not going to go on that sad path of how i miss it and everything because whats the point of being sad about it anymore? it was such a happy time and just so surreal and blissful it felt like nothing mattered in this world, it felt like it was just us and just hapiness. baby i can only fill my journal pages with you and asking you to come here i can only go to temples and ask god for you to come here too, i can only manifest for you to come here. theres not much i can do but im doing everything in my power for it, and i hope youre trying your best too, and im sure if its meant to happen and if im deserving enough to see you again according to god that time will come. please if you come here please surprise me okay?. we can only be optimistic and thats how we should be. i miss you so much everyday baby but talking to you makes me feel better about myself and life in general life doesnt feel so bad for the x minutes we talk and i really love that. 217 days and i only want this counter to never stop, i love how enthusisastic we are about each other everyday and just the way we sort things out, love each other be there for each other is goals and im so glad my first relationship turned out like this. theres nobody id want my first kiss to be on an empty metro station at 10:42am. on a personal level, im so proud of you baby i dont remind you enough as you remind me but i will from now, youre the most beautiful, wonderful, intelligent and just lovable person ive met and i literally mean it. you go through so much and even though you sleep through it most its tough to be you somedays and its tough to manage being so smart and just all that life brings you down for. im always going to be your biggest fan baby except when you colour your hair or get a piercing but ( jk i would love you as much still ) yeah im always going to be there for you, youre a good student, girlfriend, friend, sister and most importantly youre a beautiful human, and i mean that fromhow gorgeous you look to your morals and your so swwet heart. theres nobody like you and im glad there is nobody like you because youre all id ever want and i never want to let go off your hand.

i love you so so much baby i promise you that you mean the world to me and i never want to lose you.

there would be no vivaan without you my love, there would be no happy vivaan without sanskriti.

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buffalowingsfortwo · 1 year

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march 16th, 2023

from faith

ashlyn,

i’ve written and rewritten this letter 7 times. this will be the 8th.

it use to be much easier to express myself to you through letters than in person, but it seems that’s changed. no boundary or words seem to capture all my emotions enough.

i’ve been listening to collide with the sky a lot, and i think of you. how it feels like you, how the chords and melodies sound like us. i think you’ll understand what i mean. when im with you, it feels differently than it use to. but not in a bad way- it feels new, like rebirth. like we aren’t the same plant from a seed planted 10 years ago, but perhaps a seed from that plant. the offspring. there’s a latin phrase by rudolf virchow to describe cell division, “omnis cellula e cellua” and it means that every cell comes from another. i feel like the phrase itself exceeds that- that there is not one if not from another and that all things are connected, the old and the new. like the seed we have now.

im going to water it, give it sun and re-pot it into the ground when its strong enough. this will be the plant i won’t kill.

there’s so much we don’t know about each other now and sometimes it feels a bit intimidating, but it soothes me to know that even with all the space that’s grown between us, you still know who i am. details, characters, milestones have come and gone but it above it all, you know me. you think words before i say them, know my stance before i take one, know my breath before my chest rises. and you aren’t trying to, maybe don’t even realize it. but you’ve known me for many lives, i suppose the atoms in your body have always recognized mine. it’s nice to know that when i find myself wondering if who i am to people is truly authentic, if anyone truly sees through whatever facade im playing, there will always be one person who always has.

you said i dont remind you of people, people remind you of me. i feel the same way- in fact i find myself chasing after those people the most so that there will always be pieces of you with me. none quite as smart, none quite as witty, definitely none as dear, but all wonderful. i hope that when you find people that remind you of me, they only harness the good parts that love and treat you kindly.

i didnt tell you, but i had played the strangers game the day before. a different version than the one we played, but still. i wanted to play with you because i felt it was a way for me to tell you about me and hear about you without the pressure of asking the questions myself. shoutout to whoever made that game- that shit was really well made. there’s still a long way to go for us but im grateful for that journey. as i’ve gotten older and in a way, more adult, i’ve realized how different friendships are now. this sounds bad, but they require more effort. when you’re not surrounded by them constantly, when you’re in different cities with different objectives, its easy to let them fade. not because you want them to, or because the input isn’t worth it, but because nothing can be maintained the same way forever, if at all. i’ve realized this even with family- when they move away your relationship with them changes even though the love doesn’t. its a sad part of growing up, a part we can adjust to but never change. that’s partially why i wanted to come see you. i realized how fate has already done its part by bringing us back to each other but its my job to make sure it stays that way.

one thing i wanted you to know when we were together, and also just in general is that you don’t have to be so cautious around me. you don’t have to be scared to ask me anything, you don’t have to hold back or wonder about how im feeling. dont have to wonder about my actions and dont have to hold onto any guilt or past things. honestly, i cant seem to rid of the guilt that lingers within me for my own actions and maybe i’ll be able to when we’re finally ready to discuss everything that’s happened, but in the meantime im trying to not let it affect the way i am with you in ways that are not productive. i want you to be yourself, fully, with me. i want you to ask me uncomfortable questions and i want you to feel free to ask about my actions. ill try my best to be transparent even when you dont, though.

for example: why it takes me so long to write. why i go through phases where i dont check this account but cant get it off my mind the entire time. i’ve always been this way with this account and i think its because im scared. i do this with lots of things; dont do homework assignments when i know the topic isn’t one i grasp, avoid my parents when i know they’ll confront me about something, hide my mess under the bed when i know i need to clean it. it doesn’t make it disappear, and most definitely is NOT out of mind regardless of how far i put it out of sight. but i think its because i’ve been scared of saying the wrong thing, or of being reminded of everything that’s happened- everything i’ve done. so if i pretend neither of us are acknowledging it, i can pretend im not failing to communicate everything i feel. even when we first made the account and i’d have these phases, it was because i was scared of the new distance college brought us and thought if i avoided telling you about all the new ways my life had changed, maybe time could freeze where i left it. even when i knew things were getting worse the longer i neglected it, thought constantly about how unfair that was to you, i told myself that maybe the more i denied it the less true it would be. but not all confrontations are bad, and most are necessary. that’s something i need to work on, something i will work on.

i wasn’t sure what day this would be ready for you, but isn’t it ironic that its a thursday?

“i was scared to say love, what was i so afraid of?

future looking so bright, head be feeling so light”

- angel by lexa gates

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