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fmdtaeyong · 3 years

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restructuring update prompts

a prologue to officially re-introducing ash kwon // aka i decided to re-do this because i changed some parts of ash’s backstory and established career claims after i did this the first time and half of this wasn’t really true anymore rip

also there’s nowhere for me to put this in the answers anymore so i’ll put it here: circles is ash’s best song

content warning: mentions of alcohol abuse and drug use / abuse, but none of it is in-depth

assuming your muse has changed in some way, be it internally or as a result of a change of the external factors around them, how is your muse different?

for the most part, ash’s general personality and character has stayed the same. he’s the same angsty, creative, romantic dude at heart, but he’s a little more jaded in some ways.

ash moved around before he became a trainee now. he lived in san francisco, sydney, and seattle. when he lived in sydney, it was just him and his mom and he grew really close to her during that time. he doesn’t really feel like he has a home at all since seoul is the longest he’s ever lived somewhere, but he’s less happy so that’s not home either.

ash is a better technical singer now ig, being a main vocal. he focused more on singing as a trainee now instead of dancing. his ankle injury in 2018 was a little more serious now, which is why he doesn’t dance much in his solo music anymore. it’s also why he’s less interested in dance, but, at the same time, i think it leaves more potential for him to re-develop some love for it again.

he’s also now the maknae, although it’s a common joke in the fandom that he doesn’t act like it. he debuted a year and three months younger than before and he feels a lot more beholden to the industry now. has even less of an idea of what he’d be outside of it at this point, even though he got closer to actually leaving it than previous ash ever did.

he’s still had a couple of minor attitude controversies in titan’s early days caused by cultural differences. he was in public relationships in 2016 and 2019. neither were received well for their own reasons. his clubbing habit has gotten him into some controversy, though bc has never issued a statement on it beyond that one time they had to confirm the woman in a picture of him clubbing was his girlfriend because people were trying to accuse him of cheating. he has a passionate anti gallery and obsessive sasaengs that make his life a living hell.

since renewing his contract, ash has also had a few hiatuses of varying lengths due to his physical or mental health. this was true before with how he naturally developed, but it’s more tied together now as a result of generally poor physical and mental health he’s been experiencing for a few years now after his dating scandals and his ankle injury in 2018.

his image is more streamlined now too! he never really had the era of being pushed as a cleancut boyfriend that old ash had around 2018. he’s been marketed as a musical genius / sexy bad boy rockstar / artist with a tortured soul for as long as he’s been majorly pushed individually. this means he’s still very sexualized, but he hates his image a little less because he can be a little more himself as far as personal style and self-expression through tattoos and piercings goes.

what does your muse think of their company and their group?

this hasn’t really changed. ash has no real love for bc entertainment and wouldn’t really care if titan disbanded tomorrow. some of their music is good and some isn’t (though he considers less of it terrible without wolf and gorilla in the mix lmao), but he feels he’s mostly outgrown it as an artist. not that it’s below him, but it’s not what he connects with creatively, which is far more important to him now than it had been when he’d first debuted. he doesn’t hold ill will toward his groupmates unless he feels they’ve given him an individual reason to, and actually feels more guilty toward them for getting involved in scandals and taking hiatuses more than anything, but they’re also not his best friends. he views titan as a purely work endeavor and he doesn’t feel bad about the fact he got about as close as possible to leaving them without actually doing so that he could back during contract renewals. after all, they’d be fine without him. he’s a main vocal, but they’ve got two others. he’s a dancer, but they’ve got two others. he can write music, but titan has never been his main priority there and others are more than capable of doing it. he wants out of both the group and the company but is starkly aware of the fact that he did this to himself when he re-signed out of what he now perceives to have been impulse and greed.

since titan is the seniormost active group under bc, ash tries to be a good senior to his company juniors in general, but there are certainly more welcoming alternatives than him. he worries about them from a distance more than anything else.

is your muse on their first contract or their second? if they’ve renewed, what were their feelings around that at the time and what were their hopes for their second contract?

he’s on his second contract and he definitely regrets renewing. he hadn’t planned to renew for the longest time the lack of privacy and the public criticism and the hate he’d received were just too much, and he had plans that would require him to stop being an active idol, namely marrying his girlfriend of two and a half years at the time. their relationship wasn’t stable enough at the time for that to be a good idea and that was proven when they broke up shortly before final negotiations for contract renewals, but ash wanted an excuse to escape and the idea of a happy, normal life more than he wanted to be rational.

spite after the (very brief lmao) break up was part of his decision to renew, but bc entertainment also offered to support him as a songwriter and producer in addition to allowing him to regularly release solo music. he still really loved music and his first taste of promoting as a solo artist had been right before renewals as a proposal to sway him into re-signing, so he was swayed to sign on for seven more years. they followed through on their promises, but he struggles to weigh the recognition he’s earned as a solo artist and songwriter-producer against signing his life away again and doing a number on his physicla and mental health. most of his health issues and his hiatuses have happened during his second contract, as well as several behind-the-scenes situations that could have become scandals if they’d had any less luck, mostly stemming from ash drinking too much and his occasional recreational drug use, so he’s not sure bc even really feels the contract renewal was entirely worth it.

what are your muse’s goals and motivations?

if you asked ash this, he wouldn’t know what to answer. he doesn’t feel very motivated these days and pretty much feels like he only does anything because he’s contractually obligated to. making music as a form of expression has long been his main drive, and beyond that, the desire to make a mark on the world he can be remembered by through his music, but he often oscillates now between feeling like there’s not much more he can realistically achieve and the sense of hopelessness that he can try as hard as he wants, but his music’s never going to be what he’s defined by when he’s a public figure with an image.

he also feels a duty to make his parents proud. though i could argue that might be less now than it was in the previous iteration of ash, it’s still very much there. they let him come to seoul when he’d just turned thirteen to follow a dream that many never get to follow all the way through to the end and they believed in him fully. they express how proud they are of him when they do talk, but he doesn’t know that he believes them. he doesn’t feel that anything he’s done has been deserving of paying them back for everything they’ve given to him.

right now, he wants to be able to feel excited about his life and what he’s making again. he’s trying to better himself internally in regards to the way he views himself and his mental health, although he’s more prone to still taking steps backwards there than he was at this point previously. a lot of the ways ash has found to feel that excitement and creativity he wants (such as recreational drugs and excessive alcohol consumption and fleeting, sometimes toxic, relationships) do damage to his mental wellbeing, so it’s a balancing act at the moment.

what is one conflict, internal or external, that your muse is currently dealing with, has recently dealt with, or will need to deal with in the future?

i covered this partially with the last one, but one major conflict remains his internal conflict about his passion for music. this was very much where ash was before as well, but now that i’m really pushing songwriting and producing as his main career path, it presents a more equal professional and personal challenge for him.

more than having truly lost joy in making music, he’s burnt out. his latest album lovesick was emotionally exhausting because it was a partially rushed, deeply personal and vulnerable album exclusively based on an unhealthy relationship that had stretched its hold on him out over for almost six years, and then he went into making music that he couldn’t relate to at all and didn’t really fit his image all because bc thought it would sell well.

the burn out in his personal life has affected the burn out in his professional life he would be feeling anyway and made it ten times worse. it feels more hopeless because he doesn’t have much else going for him. in the past few months, his relationship with alcohol and drugs also reverted back to unhealthy after he was doing better with it for a while, not helped by a really bad stint with his mental health. all of this was at its worse in june before he went on hiatus, and in this universe, his behavior was more of a factor in his hiatus than him practically begging to leave the group because ash is more resigned to the fact that he chose to sign back on with bc and that that’s on him. instead, there was more of a push by his manager, who knew that ash was on the road to a major scandal if action wasn’t taken.

almost all of his conflicts are internal right now. he’s become successful enough that external factors other than the large umbrella of having to remain in titan can be negotiated, but he’s too tired to do so because of everything going on inside of him. there’s a lot of negative feelings going on inside of him, and he’s trying to deal with them one by one, but it’s hard to see the weight of them easing that way.

if your muse has established career claims, what are their thoughts on their career so far? if they do not, how do they feel about not having individual activities yet? what would they like to do in the future, if anything? if they don’t have ambitions for individual activities, explain why.

ash has been able to establish himself a little more as a songwriter and producer outside of his solo music. he wrote “universe” for titan in 2017, and after that, as promised, bc hooking him up with the right opportunities and connections to establish himself more. since then, in addition to his heavy involvement in his solo music (his 2020 album lovesick was entirely written/composed/produced by him alone), he’s worked on calypso’s “rollin’” in 2018, polaris’s “fake love” (a korean music awards song of the year!) and “the truth untold” in 2019, and lily’s “i’m so sick” this year. i’m planning on more being added there with these extra ecp and maybe some refunded since i think i’m going to drop some of his points claims to streamline his career better.

his canon discography creative claims reflect his progression as a songwriter, from very earnest and romantic to more sensual to very uhhh angsty and personal to developing a more polished and professional sound as he grew in experience as a songwriter and producer.

ash is praised for having several representative works as a songwriter that all speak to his individual style, and ash is happy with what he’s gotten to do since he does genuinely enjoy working as a songwriter and producer.

he’s planning to continue branching out in this direction, so look for quite a lot of ash dabbling in canon discographies in the future. before, i’d say ash’s primary push was solo music, but my plan for him is for songwriting and producing to be his main career path from now on with solo music as a close secondary.

#famedrstask1 #+10 ecp

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chronicallyblogged · 3 years

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4 and 17?

4. Describe a time you vividly remember watching yourself do/say things, with no idea why, and no ability to stop it. This is something that happens fairly frequently with me. I’ll just be around the house and the body will begin to move to do something. Or I’ll be out somewhere near somebody and I’ll start talking with no idea what will come out of my mouth. It used to be pretty scary but now I’ve got pretty good trust in parts. I trust that whatever they are doing will be fine and on the rare occasion it isn’t they’ll be open to communication about it. It happens so much I don’t really vividly remember any of it bc it doesn’t stand out much as a novel thing y’know. I guess I could relay the time when I was a teen and before diagnosis when I truly didn’t understand what was happening. My little sister had some stuffed animals and wanted me to play. Without any ability to control myself I very excitably went over and began some form of adventure game with her. This was a younger part that over the course of my life took executive control and created some interesting situations before I gained better cooperation between parts. 17. How easily can others see you switch? (Are you mostly overt or covert?) This really fluctuates depending on how my mood and psychosis is. If everything is stable. Then I tend to be more covert. However during periods of instability I’m more overt. Since my stability fluctuates throughout the year this has lead some people to notice. Pretty much if people are around me on a daily basis for months on end they may pick up on it. So like relatives, classmates, coworkers. Usually people just ascribe it to me having different moods or just being “really chill” so I don’t have strict preferences. I always helpfully offer up that I have amnesia issues and bipolar or adhd to encourage that. However there have been instances where people have figured out that its different alters. My father started to suspect it before it was diagnosed. My school friend also figured it out and even approached me with the possibility trying to be helpful. I’ve had a couple of bosses and a coworker realize it (separate work places). Some other classmates got very curious bc I had noticeable alter switches between classes but came to the conclusion that I was autistic and reacting to a special interest. All these people who guessed correctly though, I don’t want to sound rude, but they all had very high intelligence, were observant, and mentally ill themselves. So they were probably more attuned to it. Or were psych professionals who tend to deem these switches obvious. However, the average person even on my most overt days will just assume it’s something else. On my covert days not even my therapist can figure out if I’ve switched mid session without thorough questioning.

#sorry this took a sec to answer #actuallydid #log #felispatronus

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cripplecharacters · 5 years

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Thank you for answering, I have a second question. I plan for her to have a delusion that ends with her in a hospital, how do I do this respectfully? I intend to make sure she isn't written in a way where the reader could think she's a threat to others, she's only a threat to herself (which is why she's hospitalised) but what else should I avoid? Like any delusions that I should avoid or how it would realistically progress

tw hospitalization, gaslighting, ableism, abuse

i would be careful about writing forced hospitalization, as that’s it’s own can of worms. people are really unsympathetic to the patients and it’s terrifying to feel trapped bc you are etc... if you’re writing in a modern setting you might want to read about how those hospitals actually work with experiences given by people who have been there. modern day short term care is, in my experience, a place where they sit you to make you ride out any self harm or violent urges or until you’re stable and they mess with your medicine and act like they can diagnose you with bipolar disorder after knowing you for all of 20 minutes because they really DON’T know you. if your character is going into residential, she’d probably be transferred to a long term facility or location from a short term facility- some places combine short term with long term patients but it depends. i digress. if you can’t tell, mental health wards are not a great place to be and they are drenched with ableism, so unless you’re writing in a universe with hospitals don’t hate mentally ill people, you’re probably going to want to think about that. the way psychotic people especially get treated in modern hospitals is repulsive, especially minors.

they are also used by abusers to trap their victims, sometimes in a situation where they are forced to pay for their forced treatment, like if they get baker act’ed. abusive parents will lie about their children being a danger and have them taken to a hospital to punish and terrify them, so if your character has an abusive parent, you should probably keep that in mind. i also suggest reading into gaslighting, since abusers love to manipulate psychotic victims into doubting their reality by claiming it’s ‘just’ psychosis.

i saw your first ask. so basically you’d need to decide what her delusions are about, for one, there’s many different types and they usually function in similar clusters. as in they’re similar to each other. they aren’t entirely random, though it does depend on the condition, there’s usually recurring hallucinations and delusions rather than something like a new one each time. from your last ask i assume the caregiver could have, maybe, given her a reason to think she’s unsafe or she’s not real or there’s something wrong with her. you’ll probably want her delusions to revolve around the kind of things her caretaker instilled in her- the fears and the concerns and the beliefs, especially if you plan on having this caretaker trigger these delusions often. separate ones, that aren’t related to trauma, would still happen, but i doubt she’d tell this abuser that she’s scared she’s living in a simulation, for example, unless she’s schizophrenic and has speech related symptoms and says it unintentionally. but that depends on the mental illness related to the hallucinations. if you have an idea of what kind of delusions she may suffer from, that might be better to ask since there’s more to go off of.

-mod a

#Anonymous

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findsomeoneelse · 5 years

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This might be a very angsty thing to say but I kind of legit hate my dad. He complains all the time that my brother (who i think probably has depression or something rn) and I don’t help him around the house but 1) when we do he’s a huge asshole, literally calls me retarded all the time bc he’ll verbally tell me like 10 things in a row to do and my ADD ass can’t remember it like that and he often threatens me as well (and there have been incidents with physical violence between him and me). 2) gives us the most useless and asinine tasks i.e. vacuuming a BRICK PATIO or WASHING ROCKS. 3) will ask us when it’s convenient for HIM, my brother and I are 20 and 21 and have either a job or school and for a while I was doing both. 4) he is NEVER satisfied no matter how much we do.

And concerning the physical violence shit I have so much pent up feelings about it. As far as I know he’s never come after my brother like that. He may have hit my mom before but I’m not sure. I just know that once they got into a bad argument or something bc he was being really loud bc of a football game and then suddenly my mom was crying (she doesn’t cry a lot) grabbed us kids and went to our grandma’s. He’s also kicked every dog we’ve ever had, literally drop kicked one through a small tree bc it chewed the blinds and then left him outside to run away while he took off to who knows where to sulk. But my point is he has NEVER treated my brother the way he has treated me and it shows. My brother gets away with avoiding so much work and a fuck-ton of lying. My dad almost never invades his space or commandeers his stuff. I’ve almost failed several big school projects in the past bc he’d randomly decide to punish me or that his stupid yard work was more important and that it was my fault for not accounting for his random chores.

I literally keep a bug-out bag in my car and a knife by my bed bc of him. I spent my entire junior and senior years of high school with a stomach ache every single day and horrible insomnia from anxiety bc if he wasn’t threatening me with violence he was talking about kicking me out of the house for no real reason. His response to my worsening mental health was to make jokes or just ignore me when I managed to finally muster up the determination to say something. If my mom hadn’t taken action and helped me get help I’d most likely be dead now. I’m still trying to rebuild my self esteem that he destroyed. Then years after I was on medication (that he was opposed to and mocked, my mom was the only one on top of that) and doing better he had the fucking audacity to ask me about how I was doing. Me being like 16 yrs old I lacked the vocab to say that I feel that he forfeited the right to ask me those things so I just shrugged it off.

He insults and mocks every friend I have in some way shape or form. He also once told me that some older friends I was extremely close to at the time would eventually get tired of hanging out with an annoying little kid so I should get used to them not being around bc they would leave me. I mean he was right about that, and they were pretty toxic for me but that was really fucked up and I’ll never forget it.

I finally have a good romantic relationship now, with a boy surprisingly, and he’s so sweet to me. Every time he tells me anything remotely kind I almost fucking cry bc I immediately assume he’s lying or somehow delusional. We had our first sort of disagreement, it wasn’t even that big a deal he had just made a few jokes that had upset me, but I was so terrified to bring it up and was so ready for a fight that when he simply apologized for his behavior and promised to correct it I immediately broke down in tears of relief. I’m so terrified for him to meet my dad bc I don’t want him to belittle and invalidate us, or try and take away all our privacy in a weird attempt at policing my sexuality (he has tried something like this in the past with my brother). I’m also so scared my boyfriend will just assume my dad is a normal nice guy and that I’m crazy, bc my dad is good at appearances. We’re well-off but honestly the only reason my brother and I ever see any of that money is bc of our mom, she handles the finances (and p much everything else around here).

That’s another thing I hate is that bc I turned out okay everyone assumes he must be a good parent. I had to work so fucking hard to become who I am now DESPITE him NOT because of him. I had to work so hard to become a kinder person, and learn to motivate, comfort, advocate, take care of myself. I’m an intelligent person (at least i’ve been told I am) bc I work to teach myself, both in school and life. I had to learn all my emotional intelligence and social skills myself. I’m working to make my life good and full of the love I never felt from him and to a slightly lesser extent my mom. I’m still working at it. Which is why I’m just as afraid that he’ll be accepting of my relationship and be “proud” or whatever. Thinking he raised a confident and smart daughter. That he has any right to be a voyeur to my happiness or take any credit for it.

I work hard so work through so many issues he caused in me on my own. I work so hard to keep myself from sabotaging my current relationship bc I feel unworthy or like it will just vanish. I still can’t fully grasp that this boy could genuinely like me and feel like I’m worthy of his time and effort bc of how stupid and ugly my dad has made me feel my entire life. I have so many things I want to tell my SO but in the moment feel like I physically cannot get the words out for fear of looking stupid when he finally leaves me. I still have so many walls up with him and I really don’t want to but I can’t get them down bc I’m so fucking scared despite all the evidence he’s given me that he cares about me and just wants to know me. It’s honestly incredible how just having someone like him has changed me for the better. He makes me feel smart and capable, like I can have the life I want. He doesn’t see any of the shit my dad seems to see in me and hate. Like fuck the fact that I only seemed to need one stable and loving relationship in my life to succeed really says something I think.

I hate feeling like I can’t talk to my own parents, well mostly my mom, but they really make it impossible. My dad bc you never know what will piss him off or if he even gives a shit and my mom bc she will probably tell him whatever you tell her. I have other adults, my aunt (my mom’s older sister) and uncle (tho he’s a newer addition to the family, they married last year.) but I’m so scared to talk to them in case they slip up and let stuff slip to my parents. My aunt also just doesn’t Get a lot of things like mental illness so she can invalidate ppl and be mean. She does encourage me a lot tho, more than my parents EVER have.

My SO doesn’t have much of an idea of my relationship w my family other than it seems strained and we barely talk despite all living together. He sometimes half-jokingly tells me I should spend more time with them or make an effort too, and I don’t tell him that I’m not the one who fucked that up for us. I try not to talk about any of this with him yet, and I honestly don’t know when a good time is or how to go about it. He’s gotten little hints here and there before I change the subject. He has a relatively big family that he regularly spends time with, so I don��t know if he’d understand all this. His dad is a little similar to mine in the sense that he always seems to have weird projects around the house that he drags them into but it doesn’t seem like he’s violent. I honestly don’t know what to say about the physical abuse. I’m so scared of how he’ll react. I’m scared he’ll brush it off, I’m scared he’ll get super concerned or angry for me. I just don’t want it to change how he sees me. People seem to get the impression that I’m confident and that I don’t take shit, and it makes me feel so embarrassed that I let myself be pushed around by my dad.

If anyone actually reads this post and has suggestions for talking to an SO about this stuff (especially in the case of an abuser being good at manipulation/gas lighting) let me know any suggestions you have. I thought by this point in this rant I’d have some sort of clarity but I don’t really. My dad has been slightly better the last year or so, since we moved to a new house that’s bigger and we’re on opposite sides of it. After one of his worst outbursts (at the beginning of my senior year) I gave him a book about male abuse in an attempt at confrontation but I doubt he read it. He’s been better but I can’t let go of all these feelings. Older people tell me that eventually I’ll forgive him and move on but I honestly don’t want to. I don’t want him to just get away with treating us like garbage. Maybe that makes me petty and childish but I am barely 20 so. It be like that. Might make a separate post about my brother might not. I love him but dudes got issues rn.

#personal rant #family drama #don't read if you dont want to #long post

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blackrupee · 7 years

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Oh that's a shame. I didn't realize he was one of those guys that goes awol. I assumed he was somewhat constant. Damn I wouldn't be able to resist the urge to somehow get revenge though. I hate when people fuck me over. I just don't understand why he thinks it's acceptable to lie? Like why bother lying? I do admire your sluttiness ( as you call it) bc people act like sex is such a big devotion to make! But it's not. It should be accepted as do who you want when you want. Tbc!!!

I despise working in fast food. other crew members expect me to be social with them but I also am easily irritated so that just can't happen. They don't know how to leave me alone it makes me furious. With Kristen, I can't believe she apologized?! Isn't she the one who got mad? Doing all that petty stuff made it seem like she had decided to be a bitch forever. Do you plan to forgive her? It sounds like she knos she was wrong snd you said she was insecure? Your life sounds like a movie wild man

Not gonna lie I'm so curious as to what she has to say!! You gotta share I have no life I live for other people's stories ( if you couldn't tell by now)

yeah we had a semiconstant fling for a few months but its now a periodic thing shrugs. but yeah i dont forgive people and im definitely harboring a lot of malice towards him and if i ever get a chance to fuck him over i will but for now if i convince myself that im “winning” by using him then so be it. and like i dont even know the original reason why he would lie??? like if he just didnt want to chill i wouldnt have minded if he would TELL me but not knowing wtf was up was....fuckin hell.

and see like part of me is like “hell yeah ive slept with like 25 guys” (which is an honest approximation) and another part of me is like “damn bitch what if you get something serious like hiv/aids like you cant afford medication (i understand its completely controllable but still thatd be a financial burden and i already have intense amounts of anxiety with money)” and part of me is like “lol i hope i do and die” and another part is “holy shit youre so fucking edgy shut the fuck up” and another part is “yeah bitch but i cant fucking help it im mentally ill” and another part is “thats not an excuse” and another part is “...and are you really mentally ill or are you faking it” etc etc etc. all i know is that male attention makes me feel alive and a lot of these males dont stay long so i dont get attached

and i feel that. there are a lot of people i just cannot fucking stand to work with for a multitude of reasons like their personality or their work ethic. sometimes i just want to be alone and interact with no one besides the mandatory action of handing me my orders, for example. but then there are people with whom i LOVE to work (one of whom was actually kristin lmaooo) that make it bearable.

also idk dude i was high last night and was like “?????? why am i even pissed at the first place” and today im like “????? i have a vague idea of why im pissed” but idk. ive spoken with her before about my interpersonal relationships and how i really have a 0 tolerance policy for mistakes? which sounds really bad lmao. but like. i dont forgive and forget. i remember shitty things people have done to me and even if time passes and someone stops caring about the problem i never do. and if i still get utility out of someone ill still associate with them. for example, i got into a fight with a mutual friend of ours. we’re cool now and i guess we’re friends but ill always remember the shit i had to put up with. furthermore i try not to let myself get emotionally attached to people bc i never really had strong or stable relationships growing up (turbulent family life as a child). so like if anyone came up to me and was like “i hate you and never want to talk to you again” id be like aight cool bye idc. thats just how i am?? furthermore i dont really trust anyone due to longstanding self hatred combined with paranoia. theres no reason for anyone to want to be my friend/boyfriend/fuckbuddy/whatever so im always questioning like “why are these people talking to me/what do they want from me/how soon are they willing to leave me for better people/things/etc” idk if that makes sense

so nah i wont ever forgive and forget. i might be willing to drop the dispute and continue like we had been tho. im just soooooo over it

also my lifes so boring dude. its just work and anxiety and school with some sluttiness on the side

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