#if a woman ever showed Ted genuine love and care without him hiding behind some character i bet he’d just melt on the spot | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

messrmoonyy · 3 years

Note

really, really random but do you think you could write a shot of half blood prince tonks on christmas alone and she puts on the record player and dances to christmas music? (i know this is very specific ahaha)

I lovveeed this request so much! Thank you for sending it. I did write the whole thing and then re read the prompt and see if kinda strayed away from the prompt slightly, you asked for record player, so she does actually use a cassette player but I still hope you enjoy it!

As always request are open! Drop me an ask!

Check my Masterlist too!

Pairing: Remus lupin x Nymphadora Tonks ( only mentions of Remus. He does not appear )

Warnings: none. Just a very mopey Nymphadora

Tonks had never been one to take love all that seriously. In fact she’d thrown the word around almost carelessly, never really taking to its true weight and meaning. Falling in love with more people that she could count now. A ravenclaw girl in third year, a slytherin one in fourth, two different hufflepuff boys in Fifth and countless other short lived romances since. But when she looked back now she realised they weren’t really love at all. Because they hadn’t felt like she did now. When she thought of him. Remus.

It caused an ache in her chest, so deep it physically pained her. She knew that nothing else could hurt her as badly as this, only love. She hadn’t even meant to fall for him, she hadn’t planned to. He was wildly interesting and not to bad on the eye either, but she hadn’t being trying. It had just… happened. Friendly conversation became friendly touches. Friendly touches became late nights snuggled in the library by the fire. Which had become hand holding. Which had become kisses. And now… it had become heartbreak.

The argument they had had before he’d announced his departure had been a brutal one. She guessed it didn’t help that emotions were already running far too high with everything happening around them. She’d shouted. He’d shouted right back. He’d told her nothing she would say would ever change his mind and he was leaving. It was duty. His role in the war effort. To put his life as at risk as ever and plant himself in a werewolf camp for months on end. It’d ruin him, she knew it would. He’d told her about it from the first war, how much he hated it. How much it made him feel like an animal. Feral. Inhuman.

But she’d told him to go. Shouted at him and told him to get out of her sight, to go if that’s what he truly wanted. To never come back to her again.

She regretted that now. Of course she did. She wanted nothing more than to leave her parents house and turn up at Grimmauld place, drink tea and hot chocolate with him in the library, dance around to Sirius’ old records and talk about everything and nothing until the sun came up. But of course she couldn’t. Because he was gone.

To make everything truly worse, as another blinding hot blade to her chest, she couldn’t even turn to Sirius about it. Because he was gone too. And he really was never coming back. The loss of Sirius and her still healing injury from Bellatrix had knocked her down already, Remus leaving had just been the final kick. And it had all taken its toll.

She couldnt morph. Not a single fingernail would change the way she wanted. Thankfully for her she’d never really been one for tweaking her face dramatically , like she knew some with her powers did. But she felt lost without her bright hair, the tiny little tweaks to her nose and cheeks. She didn’t recognise herself anymore. She didn’t understand the face of the woman that looked back at her in the mirror, all limp dark hair and hollow cheeks. She wanted to blame him. Wanted to use it as some way to make her hate him. Forget him. So at least she couldn’t be relieved of at least one burden of pain, leave her with one less knife in her heart. But she couldn’t. No matter how hard she tried to.

“ You gonna come down love? Your mums made you some dinner. Even got some apple crumble for pud. Yeah? Try eat a bit for us? “ her dad appeared at her old bedrooms door, knocking slightly as he spoke. It had felt odd being back at her parents house again for Christmas, she’d hadn’t visited in longer than she wanted to admit. Work ask the order had been running her to exhaustion everyday. She’d hoped being back home would bring her some comfort. Being around her childhood things. But it hadn’t really been working so far.

Her mum kept silently crying to herself over Sirius, every now and then she’d look over at her and see tears streaming over her cheeks as she cleaned or cooked. Misery just seemed to follow her whether she went now.

“ Dora love? “ she turned around when he’d dad spoke again and forced a small smile onto her face.

“ yeah. Be down in a minute… save me a piece of crumble “ Ted gave her a sympathetic smile and quietly left her. One thing she loved about her dad was he knew when she didn’t want to talk, and left her alone when she needed it. Andromeda was one to fuss.

She took a deep breath and made her way out of the room and downstairs, knowing Andromeda would only send Ted back up if she didn’t surface within a few minutes. They were both sat at the table when she walked into the dining room, her father looking up with a cheerful smile.

“ here she is! C’mon petal before it gets cold “ Andromeda’s eyes were bloodshot as was the norm nowadays, she’d tried she her best to hide the fact she’d been crying. But there were still tracks in the makeup on her cheeks.

The entire house had been decorated for Christmas and she thought the fairy lights and the tinsel should be cheering her up. But she found it wasn’t. Even her dads cheesy Christmas jumpers weren’t making her crack her smile.

Dinner was painfully silent for the most part. Ted occasionally tried to get both women to talk about something but conversation constantly fell flat. She looked at her parents as he silently tried to coax Andromeda to talk, holding her hand under the table and looking at her with the same amount of pure love he always had done.

Tonks had always wanted a relationship like theres. And she thought she’d been getting there. Remus had looked at her like that. Gazing at her when he thought she wasnt paying attention to him. Sharing his mug of tea with her at order meetings, waiting up for her if she had a late shift at the ministry, making sure she had something to eat before she slept. Little things. Small ways he told her he felt the same as she did.

Until he’d thrown it all back in her face.

When Andromeda cleared their plates and went to fetch dessert, Ted too disappeared of a moment only to return with his hand behind his back and a grin.

“ look what I found today love. Remember this aye? “ he held his hand out with a proud look on his face. It was a cassette. One he’d made up for her himself when she was little. She’d always been fascinated with muggle things and she still had the cassette player buried up in her room somewhere “ your Christmas one! Fitting “ she took with the first genuine smile she’d mustered in a while.

“ thanks dad. It’s Brilliant honestly “ he sat back down again when crumble was served but his proud smile didn’t drop.

After dinner she made her way back up to her room with a muttered excuse of being tired and locked herself in. The cassette tucked into the pocket of her jeans. She rummaged around the various boxes of junk in her room until she found the player and pulled out the tape. She smiled slightly when she found the tape wonkily labeled ‘ Doras muggle Xmas songs ‘ , putting it into the player and waiting for it to play.

The first beats of ‘last Christmas’ started playing and she practically felt her hurt slipping away from her shoulders. She turned the volume up, the headphones now blasting the voice of George Michael into her ears and she forgot about her troubles for a while.

She danced around with the first full genuine smile she had in weeks on her face, every song that played transporting her back to some memory from her childhood. Even the slower ones had her smiling, waltzing with herself around her room. until the tape came to an end with silent night. She stopped dancing and the smile dropped as the almost hauntingly beautiful song played. She’d danced with Remus to the very song on that first Christmas of her being in the order.

She’d turned up at Grimmauld place on Boxing Day, on Sirius’ invitation that the three of them could have their own Christmas celebration but Sirius had still been black out drunk from the clearly heavy night before. So she’d spent the majority of the day with Remus, hiding away from the kids. Drinking, dancing and even singing when Sirius had joined them later to get drunk again.

Her moment of happiness had faded to pure nothingness and she pulled off the headphones, tossing the cassette player onto her bed. If she focussed hard enough she could hear Sirius laughing still, picture Remus’ face as he tried to look unimpressed by one of Sirius’ filthy jokes- and failing miserably. Or feel Remus’ arm around her shoulders, his lips on her temple. The purely joyful atmosphere where just the three of them could be happy, Remus not worrying about people thoughts on him showing affection to her because Sirius didn’t care.

She found her feet moving then at their own accord, out of her room and creeping past her parents bedroom, down the stairs and out the door. She jogged down the garden path and past the wards protecting the house, apparating the second she was out.

She turned up on the top step of number 12. She really shouldn’t be there. She knew she should just go back to her parents. It wasn’t safe. But her hands reacted on their own and she opened the door. It was quiet inside. The quietest she’d ever heard it. Now Sirius laughing- or snoring. No kids charging around and pestering Kreacher. No mad-eye stomping along the hall.

Her feet led her into the library and she felt tears brewing in her eyes. She wanted to see Sirius blacked out on the sofa, Remus sat writing up a report at the desk, a fire crackling away. But neither were there. And the fireplace only held charred wood. The ache in her chest made her breathless, the deep burning pain of missing a dead man and one that might as well be.

She’d never felt so alone. Never had such a overwhelming feeling of loneliness that it made she’d weak in the knees. She could picture Remus at the desk, the way his brow furrowed when he concentrated, or how his cheeks flushed when she’d sneak up behind him and wrap her arms around his neck. The countless nights they’d fallen asleep on the sofa, danced, kissed, laughed.

But now it was just an empty room. In an empty house. No laughter. No dancing. No Remus.

She wanted to be back in that library when it was full of life. When Sirius was alive. And Remus was by her side. But it was never to be again.

Sirius was dead. And Remus was gone. And she wasn’t sure he’d ever come back.

#messrmoonyy writes #remus lupin #nymphadora tonks #remadora #harry potter #remus x tonks #ronks #the marauders #lupin #tonks x lupin #tonks #remadora one shot #remus x nymphadora

34 notes · View notes

thesearchforspirk · 6 years

Text

1 x 9: ‘What Are Little Girls Made Of?’ {Subtext Study}

Please read my manifesto here if you haven’t already- it better explains my beliefs as per the Kirk/Spock dynamic and what I aim to accomplish with this blog.

An episode that barely features any direct K/S reactions yet seems to say a whole lot about them in 50 minutes time, through strategic use of androids. And Lurch.

So, Chapel’s on the bridge this time around which is a bit of a switch-up. Turns out she’s anxiously awaiting news of her fiance’s whereabouts and whether or not he’s still alive. Kirk is cautiously hopeful; reminding her that said fiance, Dr. Roger Korby, has been missing for 5 years despite several search expeditions to find him. I guess that doesn’t make her love confession to Spock in The Naked Time too terribly awkward then... yikes. Dr. Korby asks that Kirk personally come down to the surface which has ignited Spock’s suspicions, but Kirk is hesitant to refuse given Dr. Korby’s reputation for being a brilliant scientist or something.

When Spock asks for confirmation that Chapel knows Dr. Korby’s voice beyond any shadow of a doubt (likely because of his increased concern now that Kirk’s wellbeing is on the line) she teasingly asks if he’s ever been engaged. Kirk gets a personal amusement out of his reaction. Yeah what a hilarious thought, there’s NO WAY Spock has ever been engaged hahaha.

(just wait for Amok Time you little shits)

Kirk and Chapel beam down to the tundra-like planet (apparently impervious to the cold as neither of them seem the slightest bit affected) and, having not seen Dr. Korby anywhere nearby, decide to head down into the cavern to see if he’s somewhere in there. Kirk contacts the Enterprise and asks Spock to beam down two expendable red shirts just in case (Spock of course not neglecting to ask if there’s been any trouble). All for the better, as one ends up falling off a ledge somehow just as Dr. Korby’s assistant, Brown, shows up and Lurch (LURCH NO!!) slinks away.

Brown’s acting a little weird around Chapel, as it takes him a moment to recognize her. Kirk’s suspicions are being increasingly aroused but Chapel continues to seem hopeful (he’s also super beat up about his red shirt guy dying which isn’t significant to the point of this post but I just like James T Kirk so much and how much he cares about each member of his crew ok). Unfortunately the other red shirt guy gets suffocated or something by Lurch before he can give Kirk’s orders to the Enterprise.

Brown explains that Dr. Korby’s discovered how the inhabitants of the planet moved underground as the sun dimmed and created a mechanistic type culture, which he hopes to harness and implement everywhere for some reason. When they get into the main living area a sexy lady barely wearing anything shows up and I freaking love the look Kirk gives Chapel- he’s not checking sexy lady out, he’s looking over at Chapel to see how she feels about this super hot, scantily clad woman and the fact that she’s apparently living here. “Girl, can you believe this?” Sure enough, Chapel’s like what the fuck.

Sexy lady introduces herself, very mechanically, as Andrea. Then Dr. Korby shows up and he and Chapel have some kissy-kissy reunion times and Kirk looks so happy for them because he is perfect. Korby apologizes for Kirk’s lost crewman, Kirk assures him it wasn’t his fault, and then attempts to call his redshirt posted outside. When he doesn’t answer he makes to try the ship, but things escalate quickly when Brown points a phaser at him and says “NO COMMUNICATIONS”

Geez, y’all aren’t really going for warm and hospitable, are you?

Dr. Korby insists, instructing Andrea to take it from him. Kirk flips her around as a sort of hostage and then does his infamous barrel roll to hide behind the desk. He then presumably attempts to stun Brown, but instead blows open and sizzles his circuits because GASP he’s a robot! Kirk also gets fucking picked up like a toddler by Lurch and thrown against a wall. So far as I can tell these are the same actors, not stunt doubles, so that means Ted Cassidy literally hoisted Shatner up and held him. HELD HIM THERE. LIKE A BABY.

I just find that hilarious and precious. Anyway.

Kirk does indeed contact the Enterprise- or rather, his voice does. It turns out Lurch can do excellent, spot on voice impressions so he calls the bridge and gives a pretty level-headed, standard message about the progress of the mission. 99.99999% of people would not have heard anything worth suspicion. I would guess that would even include McCoy. Of course, 99.99999% of people don’t know Kirk as well as Spock (nor are they secretly in love with him) so of course Spock notices something is off and asks as much and says he sounds tired. Very logical and unemotional of you, Spock, A++++ Vulcaning.

Korby apologizes for being so shady but, y’know, it’s necessary. Because of reasons. Lurch does some more impressions, proving he can do ANYONE’S voice (as a voice actor I’d kill to be as good as him) and Kirk is clever enough to convince Korby to order Lurch not to disobey Chapel’s orders. Because Kirk is such a smarty pants and I love him forever and always. Anyway, Korby attempts to convince Kirk to have an open mind about things so he can help him facilitate this new android technology he’s been working on. Kirk’s not having it. He attempts to escape and is ONCE AGAIN picked up like a baby by Lurch. Whoever had the idea for this to happen not once, but twice, is a hero, honestly.

(I’d like to thank god and also jesus)

Meanwhile Andrea is asking Chapel some weird questions like, “How can you love Roger if you don’t trust him” and “Why does it bother you when I call him Roger?”. She seems genuinely confused, but of course Chapel is having a hard time believing that...all things considered. Korby shows up and tells Andrea to call him Dr. Korby since the alternative bothers Chapel and that’s sufficient enough. He then also explains that Andrea is an android, a computer, a machine, and Chapel shouldn’t be jealous because she’s incapable of love. Supposedly. He even has Andrea kiss and then slap Kirk, reiterating that she’s a totally logical computer incapable of feeling, that only responds to orders.

Huh. Who else has been described in such a way time and time again? What’s more, Kirk doesn’t seem in the least bit convinced. In fact, he seems somewhat angered by this assertion. Certainly that could be because it seems wrong to talk about living things as objects, but given all the familiar descriptors that have just been used I’m going to guess that it’s more than that for him. Much more.

As if to confirm this, Kirk challenges the assertion, that if these things only act as Korby programs them and have no feeling, then why did Brown turn a phaser on him with an order? Korby doesn’t give a direct answer, he basically just says ‘lmao let’s go give you an android twin, will that help?’ This they do (and Kirk’s laid out like a fucking snack, but I won’t waste time on a visual tour of that this time, I promise) and when it comes time to copy over his mental patterns so that android Kirk is just like real Kirk, Kirk makes a quick decision to instill his thoughts with an openly hostile opinion of Spock to be transferred over to the android. “Mind your own business, Mr. Spock,” Kirk chants. “I’m sick of your halfbreed interference, you hear?”

While there is something to be said for that fact that no Kirk is a real Kirk if he isn’t enamored with (or at least respectful of) Spock, I think it’s also telling that Kirk knew Spock would inevitably ask concerned questions and so supplied a telling uncharacteristic answer. Perhaps there’s something else in the fact that Kirk had to be so openly hostile to convincingly mask and block any of the strong familiar feelings of affection for his First Officer. Something to think about anyway.

Chapel sits down to lunch with Kirk, insisting that despite the moral dubiousness of Dr. Korby’s current work she knows him well enough to ensure that he hasn’t lost his mind and that they should trust him. But whoops, this Kirk is the android, so perhaps when he asked her if she’d obey his command to betray Korby he was testing the waters. He has Kirk’s intellect after all. Man, someone writing this show really liked the idea of dual Kirks didn’t they? Can’t say I blame them.

(a decidedly tastier sandwich than The Enemy Within version, sign me the fuck up)

The two Kirks verbally spar for a bit and Korby flatters himself that he’s made a perfect duplicate. Kirk says somewhat knowingly, with a slight grin, that there are still certain differences between them. Korby insists that if they exist they are entirely unimportant. Something tells me Korby has never come between a Vulcan and and the object of his (logical) affections before.

Korby finally pushes his game plan on Kirk, saying he needs his starship to transport them to an Earth colony where he can begin integrating androids into society, to make the perfect immortal society without jealousy or hate or any unpleasant emotions (but also without love, Kirk argues). Not willing to be Korby’s pawn, Kirk takes him as another captive and keeps Lurch at bay as he manages to escape through the cavern. Korby orders Lurch to ‘protect’ though (how he’s protecting by chasing a guy long gone through a cavern I don’t know).

Thankfully, Chapel orders that Lurch not hurt Kirk so when he has the chance to send him falling off a ledge, he instead has to help him up. And, yes, Kirk gets hold of a dick-shaped rock and poses for the picture that makes it into every tongue-and-cheek write up about Kirk/Spock or anything gay/Trek related so let’s just get that out of the way right now:

(har har penis joke)

Meanwhile android Kirk goes back aboard the Enterprise to get some info for Korby. Spock looks just about beside himself to see him again and bounds after him as Spock is wont to do when Jim makes a surprise appearance. Spock is understandably confused, however, as Kirk wasn’t due back for awhile, so when he pushes for clarification android Kirk busts out the whole halfbreed interference thing. Almost immediately after this he asks Spock why he looks upset, which is...rather hilarious. Spock doesn’t seem upset after that though, rather he appears justifiably suspicious, if not convinced that this is not his Kirk.

Android Kirk then passes on possible planet settling info to Korby while real Kirk gets Andrea to kiss him again- but not the cold, mechanical kiss, this time he kisses her passionately and invokes in her feelings that confuse her (specifically with that intent). In keeping with this attempt, when Lurch comes in to attack him Kirk starts asking him difficult questions, like what happened to the ‘old ones’ and is it possible to go against his creators if they’re illogical. Kirk essentially pits Lurch’s violent need for logic against the programming given to him and discovers that Lurch can indeed kill his programmers if their orders override his need to survive. As such, he turns on Korby but Korby just kills him with the evaporation phaser or whatever it is.

Neither Kirk nor Chapel can seem to figure out why it is that Korby has such a flagrant disregard for life now, but when Kirk attempts to fight him again they learn why; HE’S AN ANDROID TOO!! He disturbingly assures Chapel he’s the same Roger inside, that he had to make this change to survive, and Chapel wonders how true that it is.

Meanwhile android Kirk shows up again and Andrea is tasked with intercepting him. She wants to kiss him like she kissed real Kirk before but he says it is “illogical” and so she angrily zaps him away. When she comes back into the main room, however, she realizes it was android Kirk she zapped and not the real one. Kirk challenges Korby, asking him if this is the ‘perfect world’ he envisioned, of androids killing each other off without a second thought. Korby blabbers some more about being the perfect computer or whatever, showing Chapel that this absolutely isn’t him anymore,

Andrea, however, doesn’t kill without a second thought. She kills to protect, because as she’s discovered through Kirk’s accessing, she has the capacity to love Korby and does. She insists she does but he tells her it’s impossible. She’s not human after all. When she kisses him he presses the phaser she holds between them and kills them both. Obviously, his work has been for naught.

Spock shows up then (a little too late) with the landing party he’d planned for earlier. He, of course, asks Kirk if he’s alright first even as Chapel is sobbing right beside him. When Spock asks about the Doctor Kirk tells him, solemnly, that he was never there.

Back on the bridge Chapel says she’ll be staying with the ship, even if her original intent for boarding one died long ago. After she leaves Kirk notices something is off about Spock and asks about it, to which Spock replies that he didn’t really appreciate the use of the term ‘halfbreed’, even if it was implemented in an android’s head for a good reason. He says Kirk has to admit it’s an unsophisticated expression. Kirk assures him he’ll keep that in mind for the next time he’s in a similar situation. Spock all but rolls his eyes but can’t seem to fight a little bit of a smile. Neither can Kirk.

It is not insignificant that this episode deals with beings of ‘pure logic’ and the feelings each of them has repressed or justified as a means of maintaining said logic. It’s also interesting that the only being among them that could not display morality, feelings of mercy, etc, was the one who had engineered the whole thing and fancied himself more of a human than the rest of them. Lurch could feel anger, Andrea could feel love despite Korby’s insistence otherwise, Brown protected without a direct order. There’s argument to be made that android Kirk could not have felt them either, as when Andrea tried to kiss him he insisted it was ‘illogical’, but perhaps it was only real!Kirk’s effort to drive out his affections for Spock that made this so. Without those affections any Kirk copy has no heart, it would seem. Interesting.

It’s also not incidental that Kirk is the one who correctly guesses that these supposedly emotionless, logic-driven machines were indeed capable of feeling and knew how to drive that feeling out of each of them. Who better to guess that a robotic entity who insists logic is the only thing that fuels him might be mistaken in that respect? What’s more, Kirk knew the weakness of each android and exactly how to press the right buttons to bring it out. He does this on a daily basis, after all.

This episode also explored the depths to which Kirk and Spock know each other; Spock can correctly tell there’s something off with Kirk’s voice even when he’s down on a planet, giving a routine order, not sounding off to anyone who wouldn’t have that intrinsic knowledge and concern. Kirk used his knowledge of Spock’s emotional weaknesses to exploit the pitfalls in the android’s engineering. Even if they barely get any screentime in this episode, it’s not hard to see why all of it functions as a thinly veiled metaphor for their dynamic.

EDIT: I often go back to my predecessor, TOS Commentary, after I’ve finished evaluating an episode just to make sure I’m not missing anything and have put everything in my own words. Something was pointed out there for this episode that I thought might be of interest to anyone reading this evaluation, and it’s something that can easily fly under the radar. In her words, “ Chapel intimates that engaged couples can always tell their lovers' voice. Later, when Android Kirk appears on the Enterprise, Spock is immediately suspicious, and Android Kirk's insult confirms his suspicion.” What’s more, Spock recognized that Lurch’s imitation was NOT Kirk’s actual voice. I found this a VERY interesting coincidence, one of those that makes you really wonder just how intentional all of this was. Bits like this make me think someone has always had it in the back of their mind.

Hopefully I did this episode justice as that’s about all I have! Join me next time for ‘Dagger of the Mind’!

#spirk #space husbands #slash #season one #episode nine #what are little girls made of?#subtext study

88 notes · View notes

foreverseveredthoughts · 5 years

Text

Why We Lie and How to Stop

By Lisa Firestone Ph.D

There’s a scene in the movie “Something’s Gotta Give” that simply and succinctly captures one reality about the truth. After catching the man she loves on a date with another woman, Diane Keaton is chased out of the restaurant by a guilty and distraught Jack Nicholson. When he finally stops her, he pleads, “I have never lied to you, I have always told you some version of the truth.” She replies, “The truth doesn't have versions, okay?” And that’s the truth. The truth may have many sides to it. It may be complicated or hard to understand, but it exists… in one version. Yet, most of us have trouble with the truth. We may not be outright liars, but we certainly shade the truth to make it fit more comfortably into our lives—to keep it from disrupting anything from our careers to our relationships to our afternoons.

In her research, Bella DePaulo, Ph.D. found that people lie in one in five of their daily interactions. Pamela Meyer, author of Liespotting, claims in her TED Talk that we’re lied to from 10-200 times a day. It’s important to consider: how honest is the world we’ve created around ourselves? How often do we ourselves tell lies? And, on the flip side, do we intimidate others in ways that might encourage them to shade the truth?

It’s common for people to only say the parts of the truth that they feel are acceptable or that they think people want to hear, leaving the full truth hidden away. They may lie by omission or tell “little white lies” that paint a very different picture of reality. It’s no surprise that these lies don’t just hurt relationships, they can outright destroy them. Even lies told in the name of protecting others can leave you feeling pretty bad about yourself, because you don’t feel like an authentic, strong individual when you aren’t being honest. Here are some examples of the many ways people lie and how these lies hurt them in all areas of their lives: Controlling a Response—When you talk to a close friend about an interaction with a co-worker or lover, do you only tell your side of the story? Do you leave out a small but significant detail about something you brought to the table? Do you rephrase the less desirable words you said in the moment? Think about how these subtle changes may influence your friend’s attitude and response. Are you just getting your friend to say what you want to hear? In the end, how authentic is their response if you strategically manipulated the outcome?

When you control a response by shading the truth, you create an alternate, agreed upon reality between you and another person. You then get advice that may be based on faulty information. Plus, you deny yourself the value and integrity that another person's true opinions might have awarded you. Lying by Omission—Ever complained to someone that you aren’t losing weight without mentioning the Grande Frappuccino you downed as an afternoon snack? Everyone has times when they leave out less desirable details. Sometimes you do this to be sensitive or to spare a person’s feelings, but sometimes those details matter, and you know it. For example, if your partner asks what you did that day, you may not mention that you wound up running into an ex and having lunch. Maybe you try to conceal an ongoing flirtation with a co-worker. These may not feel like acts of deceptionto you, but imagine how your partner would see them. Whether there’s nothing to hide or something real you’d rather they not know about, leaving out significant facts will make you feel shady and create a hotbed for further deceptions. On the other hand, creating an environment where you can be open about these things will promote a feeling of mutual trust and honest communication. Exaggerations—People's insecurities about themselves may lead them to try to preserve a certain image of themselves, and they may experience a need for approval from others. However, when you exaggerate or don’t represent yourself honestly, you are left feeling like a fraud, which further hurts your self-esteem. There’s a fine line between highlighting your attributes and completely inflating your abilities. At work, you may promise to finish a task you know you won’t be able to complete on time. You may exaggerate to a boss when it comes to your progress or skill level. Doing this will lead to trouble when, most likely, your actions will fail to match your words.

At times, you may lie to compensate for guilt. Parents often do this with their children, missing a soccer game, for instance, then promising they’ll show up at every game for the rest of the season—only to disappoint again soon-after. It’s hard to hide a broken promise, a missed meeting or a poor performance. Exaggerating deems you untrustworthy. Your words start to mean a lot less when the reality doesn’t match up. Plus, you may never believe that you’re being chosen or cared about for who you really are.

Self-Protection—Too often, people are coached by an inner critic to not express directly what they want or feel toward other people. You may have a guard up that tells you not to be too vulnerable. You may downplay your emotions or act like you don’t care, because you don’t want to feel or look like a fool. But defending yourself with deceptions or false portrayals of who you are will drive you further from your goals and will likely prevent you from getting what you want in life.

Gossip or Covert Communication—Gossip is an epidemic. It’s in every household, office space and coffee house. It’s a booming industry taking over our media. The biggest problem with talking about someone behind their back is that you may flat out deny these observations when face-to-face with that person. You can see how this can be harmful to your relationships. A true friend or loved one should be someone you can talk openly with, someone to whom you can offer feedback and welcome the same in return.

Another problem is that gossip breeds cynicism and destroys compassion. It’s a nasty way of indirectly dealing with real observations or competitive feelings. When you favor direct communication over gossip, you become a more genuine, compassionate, not to mention appealing, person to be around.

Some people believe you need lies to survive in a relationship. I would argue that this is untrue. Misleading a person distorts their reality and makes them feel crazy, which is one of the most unethical things you can do to another person. So what can you do to be more honest? You can begin by being honest with yourself.

First off, you can stop listening to your “critical inner voice.” Shading the truth often comes from listening to an inner coach that’s not on your side, that instructs you to self-protect by telling you things like you can only be accepted if you say the right thing or don’t really reveal yourself. In relation to your boss, it may tell you, “You’ve been messing up lately so make your boss think you solved this problem without the help of your co-workers.” With your spouse, it may say, “Don’t tell her you forgot her birthday; it will only lead to a fight.” In relation to a competitor, it may advise you, “Don’t let him know you think he’s talented. Don’t let your guard down; he’ll just use the truth to hurt you.” By getting to know this inner critic, you can separate it from your real point of view and act against it.

Next, you can take chances on the people you care about by being a lot more honest and direct with them. You can find healthy and considerate ways to express yourself and to be sensitive to the other person’s sense of reality. The truth may not always be easy to hear, but in the long term, you will earn a lot more trust and respect from the people whose opinion you value the most.

When it comes to the truth, it’s important to think about whether you want people to trust you. Do you value integrity and want your words to be reflected in your actions? If you commit to these attributes on a behavioral level, you’ll be better able to gain trust and live your life with honest, open communication. This world may not be perfect, nor the truth always easy to take, but you can find peace and freedom in the security of knowing that the world you’ve created around you is as real as it gets.

Original Source:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201309/why-we-lie-and-how-stop

#personal #thoughts #lying #how to stop

0 notes

travisandersondatingblog · 6 years

Text

Is He Cheating on You? Top Signs He Is + What You Can do About it!

You can’t put your finger on it…but something’s just not right in your relationship. Maybe he’s out late without explanation. Texting you less. Acting suspicious. Is he cheating on you?

While I don’t want to be an alarmist, I’ve found that if your gut tells you something, it’s often true. Still, you want to be sure that what your instinct is accurate and that you’re not just being jealous, which is why I created this video.

youtube

I always say that there are three rules for any relationship to be successful:

1. Open your heart and love that person. 2. Trust them when he loves you back. 3. Stop following rules 1 and 2 if he cheats on you.

There’s no gray area in my mind when it comes to cheating. If he’s dating — or even sleeping with — other women when he’s indicated that he’s committed to you, you can never trust him again. He may beg, plead, and apologize, but please believe me: you can’t change spots on a leopard. Taking back a man after finding all the signs a guy is cheating and having clear-cut evidence of it only tells him that it’s okay for him to continue his behavior.

After all…if you took him back once, you’ll do it again, right? That’s his thinking.

So let me save you a lot of heartache. If you’re asking yourself is he cheating, then there’s a pretty good chance he is.

Your Coach,

P.S. Finding out a guy cheated on you can really beat up your self confidence. But don’t let him win! Sign up for my 21 Days of Confidence to get back to your courageous self!

Introduction

Is he cheating? Sometimes the evidence is less obvious.

If you’re a woman who has never been cheated on, congratulations. If you have been cheated on, then you have my sympathies. There’s something so painful about caring about someone — maybe even loving them — and finding out that they haven’t returned that affection and respect.

I know it’s easy to say all men cheat, Adam! but I don’t want you to believe it. Because it’s not true. There are plenty of good guys out there who won’t hurt you…but you have to ditch the cheater before you can find them.

If you’re looking for signs that he is cheating on you, the best thing you can do for yourself is get to the bottom of the situation quickly. If in fact he is cheating, then you need to leave. Like, now.

I’m here to help you preserve your sanity and to minimize the heartache you experience in life and love.

Yes, you will be hurt. But the sooner you can acknowledge that you’re with a cheater, the sooner you can get him out of your life, heal, and move on.

So without further ado, let’s address that question: is he cheating, once and for all.

Sign 1: He Admits it But…It’s Not a Bad Thing

You find a pair of panties that are definitely not yours in the car.

You: Fred, these are not my panties! Are you cheating on me?

Fred: I don’t know that I’d call it cheating…

If it looks like a duck and smells like a duck…

It’s a duck.

If you have seen signs that he is cheating on you, what else could he be doing??

I’ve met guys who legitimately don’t think cheating is a bad thing…as in it’s only bad if you get caught.

One time in a locker room I heard a guy bragging about all of the women he sleeps with…in addition to his girlfriend.

Some men don’t think they’re cheating if sex isn’t involved…but emotions are.

My mother, a divorce attorney, once had a case where the husband had two entirely separate families at the same time. Neither knew about the other. Can you imagine?

What do these dudes have in common? They all genuinely don’t see the issue.

Is He Cheating and Downplaying It?

If your boyfriend makes light of cheating in general or if, when you accuse him, blows it off, this is a red flag. Research on infidelity shows that men with indifferent attitudes about cheating may be more likely to actually cheat. Think about it: which of the following guys would you be more worried about cheating on you?

Fred: What’s the big deal? If you’re not married, you can’t cheat.

Ted: I can’t imagine lying to someone and having a second relationship!

If you know he’s been hanging out with other women in a way that is not friends-only (and he’s been trying to hide it), there’s something wrong. But confronting him won’t get you far because he doesn’t think he’s doing anything bad. Rather than trying to fix him, move on.

Sign 2: He Actually Tells You About the Other Woman

Is his work wife something more?

Sounds shocking, but your man might actually tell you about The Other Woman if you listen closely.

Maybe he talks more and more about his “Work Wife.”

Or maybe a neighbor he just keeps happening to bump into.

Things might start out innocent enough. Maybe he doesn’t even intend to cheat at first. But if she’s coming up more and more in the conversation, you need to pay attention.

Why? Because cheating often happens with someone the guy knows, not a total stranger he hooks up with (though that’s possible too). Affairs often start out as emotional. This woman that he’s spending time with, either at work or socially, might make him feel attractive and confident. If you’ve been with him for a while, he might not be getting that same energy in your relationship. Yes, he totally should talk to you if he’s not getting what he needs in the relationship, but he might take the (seemingly) easy route by spending more time with that woman that gives him a boost of confidence.

Is He Cheating and Giving You Clues About It?

So while I’m not saying that you should be concerned about every woman your man ever mentions, if there is a name that’s coming up over and over again, look into it.

If it’s someone you don’t know, say something like: you talk about Beth at work a lot. She sounds great. I’d love to meet her! See what his reaction is. If he’s suddenly squirrelly about getting these two ladies together, there’s something there.

Sign 3: He Suddenly Cares About How He Looks

The longer you’re in a relationship, the less you care about how you look. I mean: at the start, both of you put extra energy into dressing up. You wore more makeup. He showered more. Over time, you’ve grown so comfortable around each other that you’re okay with rocking the torn stained sweatpants most days.

But all of a sudden, he’s going shopping and wearing pastels and plaids.

WTF??

You can’t figure out why he might suddenly give a crap about fashion. Is it a midlife crisis come early?

Or maybe this guy with the teddy bear belly is hitting the gym hard. If he’s simply trying to feel better, great. But if he’s trying to look better for someone…who isn’t you…that’s not good.

Is He Cheating on You and His Sweatpants?

Look, I personally think couples should always dress up occasionally…both for each other and for themselves. But if he’s doing things that are really out of the ordinary looks-wise, dig into it. It could be that his other woman mentioned how sexy she found suspenders. That would explain his new fashion choice.

Your response? Start dressing up and caring how you look too. But not to make him jealous. To make yourself feel good and realize that you’re wasting time on someone who would only care how he looked for someone else.

Sign 4: He Hides His Phone Screen

Pay attention to his sneaky phone behavior. It could be a sign he’s cheating.

You’re laying on the couch together and his phone buzzes. You reach to grab it to hand it to him and he pushes you off of his lap and gets it himself. How rude!

Or you sneak up behind him when he’s on his phone to grab his waist from behind. He jumps like a cat on a hot tin roof and immediately turns it off.

If he’s sneaky about what he’s doing on his phone, this is one of the signs that he is cheating on you, unfortunately. He’s not a CIA agent. What else could he be doing that he wanted to hide? Playing Simon’s Cat??

And if you find that you’re deliberately creeping up on him to see what he’s up to, the relationship is already over. You know what’s going on.

Is He Cheating Through His Phone?

If he’s texting another woman — even if they haven’t met, kissed, or had sex — I still consider that cheating. A man doesn’t have to have sex with a woman for there to be infidelity. Block him from your life…and your phone.

Sign 5: You’re Not Connected…and He’s Not Trying

Research shows that 29% of people who are considering cheating on their partner (and 24% of those who already have) pull back in the contact they have with their significant other.

Is he cheating? Consider how often you get a text or a call from him these days as compared to months ago. Has it dipped significantly? Maybe you used to get a morning check-in text from him daily and now you can’t remember the last time he sent one.

Or maybe you’re the one who always does the calling.

Maybe in person he just doesn’t try to connect. After a long day of work you would love it if he asked how your day was (the way he always used to) but when you get home, he’s playing video games with his brother and has made it clear that they don’t want to be disturbed.

Is He Cheating Because He is Too Chicken to Talk to You?

Emotional distance is far from unusual in long-term relationships. But if addressed, it doesn’t have to mean the demise of one. However, it does take guts for a man (or woman) to tell his partner that things have been different for him. He doesn’t want to hurt you (oh, the irony) so he takes the “easy” way out by having an affair with a woman he can connect with.

Assuming you catch him cheating, the relationship will be over. He might even subconsciously want to get caught for that very reason.

I dunno. I don’t get it. It seems a heck of a lot easier to just sit down and be honest, with the hopes that things will still work out than hurting someone by cheating and getting caught.

Sign 6: He’s Super Defensive and Argumentative

If he gets defensive whenever you ask him questions, that’s a red flag!

You: Hey babe, it looks like you didn’t fill up the car like I asked. Can you do that tomorrow please?

Him:��Jeez. Why are you always on my back?? I was busy, okay??

It seems like every little thing sets him off, particularly when you ask him questions about his life, his activities, and his feelings. It’s hard because women seek to get closer to their mates when things seem off…and at the same time, this makes men pull away. So you continue to prod and he continues to retreat.

There’s no winning here.

He may be arguing more because he knows he’s a dog and feels guilty about it, so he’s trying to tell himself that he’s justified because you keep asking questions!! How dare you?

Or he may be trying to push you away so it doesn’t come to you finding out that he’s cheating. Either way, you can’t make a cornered dog less defensive.

Is He Cheating You Out of Your Relationship?

He’s controlling the dialogue in this example, my dear. He’s trying to blame you for what is a very natural thing for a girlfriend to want to do: get information about her partner. You’re not interrogating him (despite what he says). You simply want answers. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Realize you might not get those answers, but you do have an answer to the big is he cheating question. What you do from here is up to you.

Conclusion:

Is he cheating? Is he lying? Your heart wants to say he’s not…but your gut says otherwise.

I know it would be easier to ignore the situation. Hope that if he’s doing anything he shouldn’t that he stops soon.

I know it might seem easier to be with a guy who may or may not be with other women while he’s telling you that you’re his one and only than to get back into the dating pool.

But look at it like this: if you bought a car and as soon as you drove off the lot, it started giving you trouble, you wouldn’t ignore that. After all, you invested a lot of money into this car. It’s unaccepable that it should deliver a subpar performance.

Likewise, you’ve invested a lot of time and energy into this man. While that might seem like a good reason to stay, it’s actually a reason to leave. You shouldn’t accept a subpar relationship. He will never give you what you want if he can’t be satisfied just being with you.

I know it hurts. But believe me: millions of women have left relationships where they were cheated on, and they’re all so much better for it. Staying with this guy only keeps you from finding true happiness.

So believe in yourself enough to know that it’s time to move on.

Talk to me, ladies. What signs that he is cheating have you come across? How did you handle it? Leave a comment below.

Once you leave him, love yourself. Work on that confidence building. It takes a little time…three weeks to be exact! My 21 Days of Confidence program will fast track you to feeling like your old self and getting back out there.

The post Is He Cheating on You? Top Signs He Is + What You Can do About it! appeared first on Sexy Confidence.

from Meet Positives SM Feed 3 https://ift.tt/2K3C4I8 via IFTTT

#IFTTT #Meet Positives SM Feed 3

0 notes

fayecallasdatingblog · 6 years

Text

Is He Cheating on You? Top Signs He Is + What You Can do About it!

You can’t put your finger on it…but something’s just not right in your relationship. Maybe he’s out late without explanation. Texting you less. Acting suspicious. Is he cheating on you?

youtube

I always say that there are three rules for any relationship to be successful:

1. Open your heart and love that person. 2. Trust them when he loves you back. 3. Stop following rules 1 and 2 if he cheats on you.

After all…if you took him back once, you’ll do it again, right? That’s his thinking.

So let me save you a lot of heartache. If you’re asking yourself is he cheating, then there’s a pretty good chance he is.

Your Coach,

P.S. Finding out a guy cheated on you can really beat up your self confidence. But don’t let him win! Sign up for my 21 Days of Confidence to get back to your courageous self!

Introduction

Is he cheating? Sometimes the evidence is less obvious.

I’m here to help you preserve your sanity and to minimize the heartache you experience in life and love.

Yes, you will be hurt. But the sooner you can acknowledge that you’re with a cheater, the sooner you can get him out of your life, heal, and move on.

So without further ado, let’s address that question: is he cheating, once and for all.

Sign 1: He Admits it But…It’s Not a Bad Thing

You find a pair of panties that are definitely not yours in the car.

You: Fred, these are not my panties! Are you cheating on me?

Fred: I don’t know that I’d call it cheating…

If it looks like a duck and smells like a duck…

It’s a duck.

If you have seen signs that he is cheating on you, what else could he be doing??

I’ve met guys who legitimately don’t think cheating is a bad thing…as in it’s only bad if you get caught.

One time in a locker room I heard a guy bragging about all of the women he sleeps with…in addition to his girlfriend.

Some men don’t think they’re cheating if sex isn’t involved…but emotions are.

My mother, a divorce attorney, once had a case where the husband had two entirely separate families at the same time. Neither knew about the other. Can you imagine?

What do these dudes have in common? They all genuinely don’t see the issue.

Is He Cheating and Downplaying It?

Fred: What’s the big deal? If you’re not married, you can’t cheat.

Ted: I can’t imagine lying to someone and having a second relationship!

Sign 2: He Actually Tells You About the Other Woman

Is his work wife something more?

Sounds shocking, but your man might actually tell you about The Other Woman if you listen closely.

Maybe he talks more and more about his “Work Wife.”

Or maybe a neighbor he just keeps happening to bump into.

Things might start out innocent enough. Maybe he doesn’t even intend to cheat at first. But if she’s coming up more and more in the conversation, you need to pay attention.

Is He Cheating and Giving You Clues About It?

So while I’m not saying that you should be concerned about every woman your man ever mentions, if there is a name that’s coming up over and over again, look into it.

Sign 3: He Suddenly Cares About How He Looks

But all of a sudden, he’s going shopping and wearing pastels and plaids.

WTF??

You can’t figure out why he might suddenly give a crap about fashion. Is it a midlife crisis come early?

Is He Cheating on You and His Sweatpants?

Sign 4: He Hides His Phone Screen

Pay attention to his sneaky phone behavior. It could be a sign he’s cheating.

You’re laying on the couch together and his phone buzzes. You reach to grab it to hand it to him and he pushes you off of his lap and gets it himself. How rude!

Or you sneak up behind him when he’s on his phone to grab his waist from behind. He jumps like a cat on a hot tin roof and immediately turns it off.

And if you find that you’re deliberately creeping up on him to see what he’s up to, the relationship is already over. You know what’s going on.

Is He Cheating Through His Phone?

Sign 5: You’re Not Connected…and He’s Not Trying

Research shows that 29% of people who are considering cheating on their partner (and 24% of those who already have) pull back in the contact they have with their significant other.

Or maybe you’re the one who always does the calling.

Is He Cheating Because He is Too Chicken to Talk to You?

Assuming you catch him cheating, the relationship will be over. He might even subconsciously want to get caught for that very reason.

I dunno. I don’t get it. It seems a heck of a lot easier to just sit down and be honest, with the hopes that things will still work out than hurting someone by cheating and getting caught.

Sign 6: He’s Super Defensive and Argumentative

If he gets defensive whenever you ask him questions, that’s a red flag!

You: Hey babe, it looks like you didn’t fill up the car like I asked. Can you do that tomorrow please?

Him: Jeez. Why are you always on my back?? I was busy, okay??

There’s no winning here.

He may be arguing more because he knows he’s a dog and feels guilty about it, so he’s trying to tell himself that he’s justified because you keep asking questions!! How dare you?

Or he may be trying to push you away so it doesn’t come to you finding out that he’s cheating. Either way, you can’t make a cornered dog less defensive.

Is He Cheating You Out of Your Relationship?

Realize you might not get those answers, but you do have an answer to the big is he cheating question. What you do from here is up to you.

Conclusion:

Is he cheating? Is he lying? Your heart wants to say he’s not…but your gut says otherwise.

I know it would be easier to ignore the situation. Hope that if he’s doing anything he shouldn’t that he stops soon.

I know it might seem easier to be with a guy who may or may not be with other women while he’s telling you that you’re his one and only than to get back into the dating pool.

So believe in yourself enough to know that it’s time to move on.

Talk to me, ladies. What signs that he is cheating have you come across? How did you handle it? Leave a comment below.

The post Is He Cheating on You? Top Signs He Is + What You Can do About it! appeared first on Sexy Confidence.

from Meet Positives SM Feed https://ift.tt/2K3C4I8 via IFTTT

#IFTTT #Meet Positives SM Feed

0 notes