#idk just musing

[kienansidhe]

heres an anecdote ive been thinking about.

i grew up in an evangelical christian cult under very extreme surveillance and censorship of incoming information. i didnt know the actual history of christianity, the real history, not the fake stuff i was taught, for many, many years. as far as i knew, the bible i read cover to cover every year was the only bible there had ever been, was the literal word of god, and the only issue was how to translate it from the original hebrew and greek. i had no reason to question this until high school, when my brother and i were sent walking around the neighborhood wearing brightly colored "ask me about jesus" tags.

an older neighbor working on his front lawn called us over. "okay," he said. "ill bite. tell me about jesus." so of course, we gave him the story we had been taught. original sin, hell, jesus dying on the cross, etc. etc. he listened patiently, then talked a bit abt his own personal spirituality. i dont remember the specifics, i think he actually was a sort of christian in a way, but only as a personal, private thing, no church, smth we had never encountered before. more importantly, he told us to look up the council of nicea.

our parents were very vague about their answer, so i ended up looking it up on wikipedia. i read that the bible as i knew it was only one canon, defined fairly recently, by one faction of the church. i learned about the existence of the apocrypha, that a bunch of old men had sat down and decided which books of the bible they considered the real word of god, which were fake.

of course, our upbringing had already provided their own magical answers for this kind of problem, but the seed was planted, alongside many other little seeds that were beginning to sink in and take root. what i knew came into direct conflict with the outside world, which gave me a point of entry for questions. how do we know which men were inspired by god? what did the other rejected books say? through this train of thought i came to find countless questions about the bible that were not as conclusively answered as i had been led to believe. prior to this, my conflicts with christianity had been on the basis of my own gut feelings. this feels wrong, arent i hurting people? but that one clue, the council of nicea, gave me a point of reference to start dismantling the whole theological basis for what i was taught.

eventually i found out that even the very concept of hell was a fabrication. i had read the bible faithfully for my whole life, once thru, cover to cover, every year. things like a lake of fire, eternity separated from god, a lot of the pieces that make up the popular concept of hell were there, scattered throughout, but when i realized that these fragments i had read had been manipulated and conflated to me from toddlerhood, that the bible never actually describes hell as i knew it, well. the whole tower crumbled.

for years i had struggled with the basic conflict of seeing with my own eyes that the things i said and did hurt people, that many horrible things had been done in the name of god. this was and always had been the original, basic instinct for my difficulty with christianity. but hell, hell had been the ultimate lynchpin. if hell was real, if not being christian doomed you to an eternity of literal torture, then any hurt i and other christians inflicted was justified. i truly evangelized and told people they were bad and going to hell out of a brainwashed desire to save them. i was terrified for them, for myself, for everyone. i dont think i will ever fully be able to convey how afraid i was, from my very first inklings of consciousness. hell tied it all together. i would do anything, anything to keep myself and those i cared about from suffering for eternity. even if my friends hated me, i had to plant the seed and pray for god to grow it in them. i had to.

once hell came into question, that fear finally began to lighten. cracks in my prison. a critical piece of information that had been carefully hidden my entire life. information that changed everything.

when youre sufficiently brainwashed, its hard to know where to even begin to question the world as you know it. your gut might tell you something is wrong, but when your world has self contained answers for everything, when it all seems to be one smooth globe around you, it can be hard to find the cracks. it seems impenetrable.

sometimes you need a little help to find the cracks.

i dont rlly have a point to this post, i just think about that weird old guy a lot. he sold heirloom tomato seedlings out of his backyard for $5 each, had torn up the entire yard without his landlords permission, and god those tomatoes were the best ive ever had. i wonder if hes still around, selling tomatoes, teaching people to question what theyve been told. id like to tell him how much he changed my life.

#headspace #idk just musing #this was gonna be another post but this anecdote took over so i cut the other stuff for later lol #i hope youre having a great time tomato guy

[lady-harrowhark]

also while i'm thinking about it like, this feeling has definitely lessened since i posted my bre fic (end of july) but aside from just the post-project crash and the post-dopamine-rush drop, one thing that was honestly kind of hard to deal with was that outside of online, i just... couldn't talk about it.

it genuinely really sucked to finish the most ambitious creative project of my life and be so proud of it and put so much of my heart into it and have it have consumed so much of my life for so long and just.

go about life as normal. talk to my friends and people at school like nothing had happened.

and sure, i could mention it. a lot of folks in my program have various nerdy interests, are somewhat involved in fandom, have mentioned reading fanfiction, etc. and some are so far removed that they'd have no idea what that even is. my two best friends know, and one of them has read it, but they both live very far away.

but i think the overall consensus would be "aw, fun! i love that you have these quirky little hobbies!" and that there are a handful of people who, even if i explicitly said i didn't want them to read it and didn't tell them any details, would try to track it down as if it's like, an embarrassing old picture on facebook rather than something very vulnerable and important (not to mention linked to my tumblr which i do NOT want them finding in general). and tbh, it would be really hard to just say, "hey, i basically wrote a novel this summer and i'm so incredibly proud of it" and not say anything about the characters, or the plot, or what fandom, or get into why it makes me so emotional, etc. and if that's the case, then what's the point of even talking about it?

so anyway i guess my meandering point here is that it just really blows to not be able to share important things in your life with the people around you, whether that's fic or something else. our online community is amazing, but i wish i could share it with people in person.

#idk just musing #i'm fine now but imma be real that first few weeks was rough #i was like that 'they don't know i'm [whatever]' meme #anyway! #many thanks to all the awesome people who live in my screens 💛 #fic

[queerb]

Taking care of myself can be hard but what's harder is what happens when I don't take care of myself so I think that's growth

#for context I'm working ten hour shifts for at least the next week. possibly longer #and I be using my lunch break to drive home and take care of the pets #so rn I'm preparing fruit and substantial meals to take to work with me #because junk food is easy but i know I'll feel like shit if i subsist on mostly that for the week #idk just musing

[manturneddemon]

Sassy femboy noises in the distance.

#idk just musing #open #femboy!roy

[flowergirlmiwa]

i know pretty much every single detail about the first two pokemon gens but i have no idea what cities are within ten minutes driving distance from the city i live in

#my post #idk just musing

[girlbob-boypants]

While I love the additional flirt options and boost to character relationships, I feel like Hot needs a slight revamp? Mostly just in the beginning descriptor text and possible some uses. Yes, yes you're pretty, but the way the trait is used in game feels much more akin to DND charisma character than being a walking cardboard cutout of a model

Especially given the way the trait saves the day, it could definitely do with a name and description that alludes to the "you know how to work people and can always put your best foot forward" aspect that comes up in the actual game

#girlbob.txt #scarlet hollow #idk just musing #i find the way both the descriptors and the fandom basically treat it as 'big naturals' the trait is just #not as interesting or fun as the trait would be if it were 'charming' #anyone can smile and introduce themself but only a person who knows *how* to do it is gonna come off right #ya know? #im definitely making this one unrebloggable I'm not dealing with discussions on it

[gothprentiss]

i was thinking a bit about how reading fic and reading, idk, traditionally published literary fiction are just two largely distinct if relatively interpermeable acts. like when i see posts abt how they read so much fic but no books (“oh ha ha i love to read DONTASKMEWHAT”), it’s like— yeah, because on most levels those are two fundamentally different things. in the same way that people who read primarily self-help-type books (the secret etc) seem fundamentally distinct from people who read primarily fiction. i’m not going to taxonomize that further bc i think that’s silly. but like, the idea of ao3 as an alternative to a library is just on its face silly. and it’s telling that it’s ao3 and not libgen.

anyway the other thing i was thinking about was the extent to which i am less and less interested in reading fic. like i do for various reasons, but it’s really minimal. and it’s not anything re: the quality or worthiness of the genre, it’s that i have a different form of reading which i not only prefer, but am literally formally trained to do, yk. like the more time you spend engaging in one of these acts the more you become habituated to it, and the more another kind of these acts can thus become less aesthetically/intellectually/affectively fulfilling. imo

#it’s weird how much overtaxonomizing in most like younger online discourse has somehow led to like #a total and quite aggressive reification of overarching imprecise categories #i mean i guess it isnt right like #‘i have subdivided myself into all of these categories which function for me as identities’ actually very obviously doesn’t entail #‘and i recognize that said categories will vary across individuals’ #in fact they can’t because that makes them too arbitrary #so you end up with these very long arguments about for example Being Smart (eg gifted kid discourse) #or reading (see above) #more concerned with one’s personal politics and goodness than what the thing actually is #idk just musing

[coastaltowned]

the manuscript ending the album on the utter jawdrop moment that neither of the muses of the actual album were the first men to fuck her up with promises of marriage and babies, and that first heartbreak so long ago laid the scene for the woman she would become and the ways she would approach love and how we all watched her life like scenes in a show but she kept coming back to the manuscript of the first torrid affair that ruined her, to bookend an album about two love affairs that destroyed her utterly in almost the exact same way, because all her muses are acquired like bruises........ it's bone-chilling

#maybe it was just a jawdrop to me idk #taylor swift #ttpd #the manuscript #text #i keep saying it in the gc but the way the album is just a russian nesting doll of muses #you think its matty but beneath him its joe and beneath him its jake #and in the middle of it all is taylor screaming #this album is a fucking masterpiece

[buggachat]

Sometimes I think about how Adrien, throughout the series, constantly grapples with his fear of abandonment. Gabriel conditioned him to believe that any love he receives is purely transactional, and that to earn affection he has to prove his utility. Adrien is constantly trying to prove his worth to his father for scraps of affection, and Chat Noir infamously crumbles on-screen any time he feels as though he is replaceable to Ladybug. It's a constant insecurity of his, like everyone will just dump him like a sack of potatoes the moment they find out how useless he is.

Meanwhile, all Marinette wants to is ensure that Adrien is happy. Because she loves him. She doesn't give two shits about how """useful""" he is. She holds him and tells him that she will never abandon him (both as Ladynoir and as Adrienette), and her fantasies are about saving him, not about him being "useful" to her. Throughout their relationship, Adrien is forced to disappoint Marinette constantly for reasons outside of his control (amok commands), and yet Marinette is still there for him.

At Adrien's lowest point, when he is forcibly torn away from everyone who had ever showed him genuine care, locked away in an all-white room and at his most "useless", right after disappointing Marinette and unable to even join the final battle or contribute in any way, she still saves him. She still loves him. Because he doesn't have to prove anything to her. Because he is loved and cherished for who he is, not for what he does, and that love is not conditional. Adrien's "happy ending" at the end of the first arc wasn't about him finally proving how useful he can be, because he never actually cared about being useful — he just saw it as the only means to feel loved and needed. Instead, in the end, he found out that he was loved and needed no matter what.

#ml s5 spoilers #ml s5 finale spoilers #idk im musing dont mind me #(as always this post isnt an invitation to tell me why You dont like the show. if that's the case then you can make your own post) #i think the ''what does this say about adrien's agency'' reading of the show is fair and an interesting perspective #but personally i find the ''what does this say about adrien's inherent worth as a person / how does this play into his fear of abandonment' #to also be a super valid way to read the series that is just as relevant to his character arc and i don't see people talking about enough

[tofixtheshadows]

So I've been thinking lately about how Mithrun is Kabru's dark mirror (more on that another time- it needs its own post), and I thought it interesting that one of their parallels is that they were both cared for by Milsiril, but in opposite directions. She took Kabru in as her foster after he was orphaned and tried to convince him not to become an adventurer. On the flip side, she helped rehabilitate Mithrun specifically so that he could rejoin the Canaries.

And I kept wondering: why?

For Kabru, obviously she loves him a whole lot- despite any other shortcomings in their relationship, I do believe that.

So I get why she tries to convince him not to go dungeoning, and, failing that, at least prepares him as thoroughly as she can.

But why help Mithrun? She used to hate Mithrun, but after realizing what a secretly twisted person he was, she actually thought of him more positively (oh, Milsiril). So it wasn't as if she held the kind of grudge that might motivate her to make his already-depleted life even more miserable by sending him back to the dungeons. And it wasn't that she felt bad for him either, since she didn't visit Mithrun for the first ~20 years of his recovery.

The Adventurer's Bible says that Utaya was the impetus for Mithrun returning to the Canaries, but Milsiril is the one who made the trip to see him and tell him about it.

Why would Milsiril work so hard to get her old coworker back into fighting fit? Why encourage him to return to such a dangerous lifestyle, when she was the one who chose not to mercy-kill him?

That last panel is such a crazy thing to hint at and then never elaborate on. Without it we could have just thought that Milsiril wanted the Canaries' work to continue without her, even if it seemed out of character. I think some people even assume she's just a natural caretaker as a foster mom and handwave it to include nursing Mithrun too. What could Milsiril's suspicious motives be? What does she gain from Mithrun joining the Canaries that isn't an altruistic desire to see dungeons safely sealed? Feeling a sense of responsibility for the work she left behind isn't an ulterior motive.

My theory is: Milsiril, knowing that Mithrun was empty save for the burning desire to face the demon again, wound him up like a clockwork doll and pointed him back at the dungeons.

Hoping that he'd eliminate the biggest threat to Kabru's life, before it was too late for him.

Milsiril the puppetmaster.

#Dungeon Meshi #Dungeon Meshi meta #Mithrun #Milsiril #Kabru #btw I'm working with the only translations I could find sorry #so keep that in mind #like it just seemed WEIRD to me #that gloomy introverted Milsiril #who left the life of a Canary behind #decided to do this Canary-adjacent work of helping this guy #maybe the queen made her do it because so many people died and they needed more Canaries idk! #but why would anyone pick Milsiril as a life coach? I really think it was her own choice #it's so interesting how we get these hints of a downright sinster Milsiril #I really like the complicated relationship she and Kabru have #struggling to fully humanize him from her elven perspective #but still taking him seriously wrt: his fears over being a monster or his desire to go to a party! #crazy stuff there #everything about Kabru and adjacent to Kabru is insane what a character #musings with Dea

[bearberrythief]

part of starting a master’s degree in the pandemic means I was working and going to school from home when my partner went back to an in person job so it made sense for me to like start dinner while they were still at work and head to the grocery store thats across the street but now its been close to three years of him not cooking dinner regularly and hes kind of... forgotten how to cook? like he was good at cooking and cooked regularly before the pandemic and now he just like.. cant come up with dinner ideas outside of basic pasta or eggs and hashbrowns very easily anymore. and it frustrates him! he likes cooking! he misses feeling comfortable in the kitchen and its something hes getting back into even though its not easy for him anymore.

it just makes me wonder how many well meaning men who think of themselves as feminists experience that frustration after a while of not cooking and just kind of fall into that patriarchal impulse of oh well shes so much better at cooking (and related chores) than me it makes sense that she should take care of it rather than going through an uncomfortable experience like practicing cooking again.

#idk just musing #a lot of power structures allow for certain people to avoid discomfort #as part of maintaining that power structure #hmm #me

[woofularunit]

I think neurotypical and neurodivergent are useful terms for discussing certain things but also like. I've come to realise that "neurotypical" really just means "able to keep it together for a 9 to 5 job in this capitalist hell world without despairing"

#perhaps 'neurotypical' is a more damning diagnosis than 'neurodivergent' #i think if ur not some flavor of weird in the face of THIS kinda world that we live in something more serious is wrong with u than me #idk just musing #meow.txt

[ashfdhfgdsfk]

#snif #my art #scritches #hannibal #hannibal lecter #nbc hannibal #hannibal fanart #mads mikkelsen #hes supposed to be huffing wine or whatever but i got lazy #also the texture is a lie this is a digital drawing #i just downloaded some new brushes and HOO boy...they are So much fun #definitely found my new favorites #a+++ #i wanted to draw Something just to test em out and well #what better muse than a cannibal amiright #anyways #idk how much it looks like him but practice makes etc #q

[comatosebunny09]

Un-ascended Astarion prefers traditional, safe, vanilla lovemaking. Sure, he did all kinds of things under Cazador’s control. But now that he’s learning to love himself and tackle his trauma, when he finally does have sex with you (without trying to manipulate you), he wants to take his time. Like, slow, meticulous, feeling out every part of you—and himself—kind of lovemaking.

#just musing #astarion x tav #astarion x reader #idk where this came from

[bionicboxes]

THE SMOOTH TASTE OF [NEO]

#spamton #spamton neo #deltarune chapter 2 #deltarune #box art #he's very fun to play with both perspective and color with :) #idk what it is he's just fun for me to draw. makes him a good muse for experimenting #colors ended up pretty similar to the prior piece even though i was trying to do something else lol rip #edit just put both the spam man drawings here. #i wont delete the first post bc it has nice tags but idk. feel like throwing them together

[cahootings]

Actually this post DID get me thinking, about all the times Ed gives up and resigns in the show. It's a defense mechanism. We know he's a deeply feeling person. We know his emotions are strong and he will express them. These dismissive reactions are him pushing those feelings aside, not thinking about them, not acknowledging them, trying to ignore them. Trying to control them. Trying to stay on top of them.

This, of course, always catches up.

And it's making me think about how interesting the choices were in this sequence.

In particular, how the final product contrasts with the version of the script that Jes Tom posted later.

(also reading this again wrecks me wow)

In the version in the show, he is not giddy. He is not happily humming. He is calm, and he doesn't even crack a smile. And I think it's more than just acting/directing choices, it's a completely different tone. His "bye bye" in the show does not read as victorious or celebratory to me, it reads as his quick dismissal and resignation that we see several times before. This is Ed giving up a part of himself without letting himself feel what that really means.

This change feels bigger and more deliberate. Ed still doesn't know what it means to give up Blackbeard. And like all the other times he tries to quickly dismiss a feeling, I think that's still going to catch up with him.

It's such an interesting character arc and I love it and I think it's one of the strong cases for needing another season. He hasn't reconciled what it means to hold on to Blackbeard. We see him bring the leathers - this persona - back, to a degree, at the end of the season. But I don't think we've seen him actually process what that means to him. What does it mean to be Ed? Blackbeard isn't Ed, but Blackbeard is undeniably a part of Ed. And this doesn't have to be a bad thing. This can be a part of Ed that he gets to define anew. I'd love to get to see Ed reconcile this part of him, and how it fits with the person he wants to be. He doesn't have to shun this past part of himself.

I want to see him get to his "Hello, Ed."

#ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd s2 #ofmd meta #edward teach #that shot is always so heavy to me! #he's just like. idk. it is such a mixed emotional moment #i do think maybe we lost some of this with the shortened season #it almost feels like this could/would have been handled in the finale if there was more time #because I still think the choice to retrieve the leathers and what that meant to him deserved more (or any) attention #anyway. here's hoping for s3. #ofmd musing