#idk i always get embarrassed to talk about the things i like

[kettleghost]

Do u have any posts on your oc lore? They’re so funky and cool!! I wanna know more about them lol :]

OHH im so happy you asked!! it’s genuinely so so cool to know people are actually interested in my ocs and their lore and whatnot! they are so so special to me it’s super awesome to know other people think they’re neat too :^)

as for posts on their lore, i don’t reaally have any sorry :( my ocs have A LOT of lore and ive put a bunch of effort into their personalities and storylines and how they all interlink with each other and whatnot! but i have a lot of trouble actually talking about it concisely LOL im super happy to answer questions about them! but for now all i can really offer are like. vague art dumps alluding to their lore i guess LOL <\3

#THE SUUUUPER ABRIDGED VERSION is that 2 brothers who haven’t seen eachother in 9 years try to reconnect but it kinda. doesn’t work out #but there’s a lot more to the lore than just that! i have 7 whole characters with their own stuff going on #but the brother thing is what i draw the most i thiiink?? so idk #there u go #little tiiiny lore tidbit #all of my ocs have like. their own backstories which then connect with my other characters once they meet and whatnot #so it’s hard to explain like. the lore in a linear way #if that makes sense #because there isn’t really a start or finish #its sorta just #all 7 of these characters have backstories all happening at the same time #then the story becomes one once they meet #but they also have their own things going on that don’t always involve my other ocs #so it’s just. soooo so hard to explain #also i get scared talking in depth about my oc lore super publicly #idk why i tjink im just embarrassed it might be cringe or something idk #but !!! #fuck it we ball #maybe one day #kettleghost ocs

[cinna-bunnie]

i had a fun day 2 day ૮˶• ﻌ •˶ა everyone has been so nicey 2 me all day from the minute i left my house earlier ૮ ᴖﻌᴖა ♡⁠

i went to a Retreat for the first time for work earlier 0: and I did SO good for being up since 2am it didn't even feel like it 💀

it was so chill i drove like an hour away but Away from the city so there wasn't rly traffic and the mountains r so pretty 2 drive thru (❁´◡`❁) got some rain n v low clouds and since it's autumn there's all these pretty colors. i took an edible on the way n was just jammin out n enjoying the scenery among the many safe opportunities 2 look

and then at the thing we got 2 do different ice breakers n go on decently long breaks; i got 2 hang in different groups n actually Talk w a bunch of ppl which i never have time for omg. it's nice working at a legal nonprofit, i would NOT want to do this with corporate mfs !! 😹

went around n said hii to the enbies and i ran up a hill that looked a lot smaller than it was, i made it like 80% of the way before my legs were immediately like no girl we're done !! but my brain was like but it's Right There, and i struggled 2 finish the climb but I Did !! ૮ ᴖﻌᴖა and i was so so tired i do not remember ever being that winded before 💀 getting down was so much slower n worse bc my legs were Done and when i finally made it to the bottom i laid flat on my back for like 15m, and when when i made it back to sit n chill i still need like 10 more minutes akskska. i do not b exercising !! i just wanted 2 play it looked fun and i got excited (⁠｡⁠���⁠ω⁠＼⁠｡⁠)

in between things i was working on my sister's choker n kept winding up w a group of ppl around me 2 talk to about it and just talk 2 in general n the company was rly nice (❁´◡`❁) ♡ had a lot of different kinda talks 2day!! everyone is a sweetie!! some ppl r so funny n chill and i rly hope 2 get 2 talk more casually w people perhaps As Friends when i go in 👉👈

there's one girl in particular who is rly cute n sweet and i want 2 see her again ૮˶• ﻌ •˶ა when I got home finally i had 2 hop on my work laptop real quick 2 look up her name again 2 make sure i didn't forget ☝️😌 we do not work at the same office but hii i am visiting next week 🐇

yippee!!!! ૮ ᴖﻌᴖა !!!

#i think i have become an introverted extrovert at some point 0: #which is rly nice bc my social anxiety was SO bad at the beginning of the year like i didn't even know where to start skskdksk #but i kinda figured it out? but it's also just being me? idk.. much 2 think. but i made good progress #i am getting a good grade in being funny and nice and talking to people !! #i want 2 kiss someone on the forehead #omg but if there's ANYONE who deserves a kiss it's this old lady who lives a few buildings down on the way to my car #where EVERY time i see her she always has something so so sweet to tell me about how i look #today she said I'm always looking fancy (⁠｡⁠ﾉ⁠ω⁠＼⁠｡⁠) ♡⁠ and more but that's the main thing i remember besides the small talk #and the first time we met she asked me if i was a model fr and she's told me I'm cute and I'm just like PLEASE SKDKDKS #i can't fully tell if you're just really sweet or kinda 👀 at me but girl u r so sweet like hello do u Want a hug or a kiss ?? i love u !! #old ladies have a warmth they fill u with that just take the weight of Everything off ur shoulders n leave u feeling full n happy!! #bless old ladies fr!! literally my favorite people to interact with always i love u abuelas everywhere u r everything to me and i would do #anything for u !!!! i miss getting to help friends grandmas w stuff as a kid 🥺 it was just always great 2 talk 2 them and be close n on #good terms n stuff :3 i was the same way with their moms hehe. hi hello i want 2 help !! (⁠✿ ‚‚⌒‿⌒‚‚) #my friend is being lame and acting embarrassed but i love you please talk to me i am so so interested and think you're really #cool and funny and sweet and wise actually ૮ ᴖﻌᴖა ♡⁠ i wanna be around u if u wanna hang out #even if it's as simple as getting 2 help in the kitchen n always helping w dishes n stuff ૮˶• ﻌ •˶ა aaa ♡⁠ #omg i was late 2 the thing too and missed the breakfast and there's this sweet energetic old lady who's always like #omg u didn't get to eat? do u want this? can i get you some coffee or tea? and I'm always just like no no it's okay I'm gonna get it but #appreciate the offer and just ૮ – ﻌ–ა she is always looking out 4 me !! but she's just a sweetie like that !! #i think sharing food is a universally good way 2 make friends and it always warms my heart 2 meet ppl who r the same (❁´◡`❁) #they r always so so sweet 😭🥰 for my astrology girlies i correctly guessed that she's a taurus hehe 😼 #there's another old lady who's an office manager for one of the offices n she is so soft spoken n sweet and i wish i got 2 hug her n talk #to her more 🥺 she's so far though omg i don't get to see her in person much #n e ways i work w some really warm bubbly ppl ૮˶• ﻌ •˶ა i am a happy girlie 2day!! then im going Serious Mode again tmrw 🫡 #oo i get to setup like an Actual server for a rack w linux and it's being delivered 2 my place tomorrow 0: I'm excited abt it as a project #AND my new jewelry came in today along w some cute underwear we r starting this wk off strong !!! #there was so so much more frm 2day i am just rly stoned n thinking abt it all (⁠〒⁠﹏⁠〒⁠) #if u actually read all of my ramble ily ty for letting me Talk ૮˶• ﻌ •˶ა ♡⁠

[ban-joey]

sending laser beams to my professor with my mind. kenneth you said midterm grades would b up by this afternoon. it is officially TONIGHT and guess what? kenneth i would love to not be clenching my teeth in my sleep tonight. kenneth i will be sending you a bill in the mail. yes i know its probably a TAs responsibility but i blame you personally. i hate school

#i dont im having a lot of fun (genuinely) but it is often pretty stressful #did find out there are a few folks adjacent to my program doing zoonoses & climate change research so im very excited to chat w them next w #possibly directing my thesis towards one health. social epi gradually becoming less interesting #plus i think my strengths do lie in applying epi to biological concepts so. one health works there #my brain continually trying to get back to lyme disease :( sometimes i really do miss the east coast tbh! #not lying actually i think the number one thing i miss is the amt of vector borne disease research LMFAO #i do unfortunately kind of have a crush on a classmate so that's fine but whatever. grad school. men are nice to me and i lose my mind ig #need to go make out w a hot trans person i think that would solve my problems rn #but also it's nice to be so excited about someone deciding to sit next to me in every class :) #like wow how isolated have i been the last 3 years to be so delighted by like. active signs i have Officially Made Friends. #even if he does live like a block away from my dad and jokes every goddamn day like 'so i saw your dad yesterday' no you DIDNT shut UP #idk yesterday he sat right next to me in a class he usually sits w other people in and it sort of sent my brain off the edge and now im jus #yeah. sitting with this one. it's fine like it's normal. but wowie i do think it's my first time having a Big Ol Crush since (redacted) #a little scary for my animal brain i think but it's okay! #im 25 in like 3 ish weeks and i still get embarrassed about this stuff somehow? stupid. #he's just really nice and always really fun to talk to! i think i had to officially Sit With Myself today bc epi is doing a holiday party #and there's a baking contest and we were talking abt it in class and i was indecisive abt whether i want to participate #and he like fully cut me off and was like oh you should bake something so i can have some :) #and. well fuck now i have to lmao. IM SO EASY IT'S SO EMBARRASSING #good evening everyone. guess this is my journal now. anyway ken rice you owe me twenty dollars and i aim to COLLECT

[strwbrymlkshake]

Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(

#mine #oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times #but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry #like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie #im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc #i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me #thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related #anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that #ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired #// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always #because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life #like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing #me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little #so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die #every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt. #well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he #is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him #every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again #but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh #i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT #I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time #like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me #he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do #he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away

[elftwink]

the one fun thing about writing something longer than 10k or so words is once you get really frustrated with the specific part you’re working on and start being like ‘im a fraud im a sham ive never written anything’ you can just take a breather and scroll around 1000 words forward and be like. actually i’m so talented and cool and hot and this is going to be the best thing ever. this libreoffice document contains multitudes

#good idea generator #fic writing tag tba #yes this is about that fake married au i post about once every 3 months or so but never actually finish #sir thats my emotional support fic i started in 2019 that i'm most of the way finished with #but cannot for the life of me polish off the last few thousand words #but that document is always open. every day it's me and caleb widogast against the world #actually its me against caleb widowgast. writing from that man's perspective feels like wringing water from a rock sometimes #i do feel bad posting about this wip because its been. multiple years. and i don't want to continually give the impression #that i might post it Tomorrow. Soon. idfk that yknow especially given how everything has been in the last few years #but like also at this point it is hard to understate the emotional attachment i have to working on this fic and talking about it 2 myself #this thing is a monster. it has like six documents. varying stages of draft saved. alternate scenes documents. alternate perspective bits #multiple outlines. a playlist. a poem that fits it #most of the random npcs who exist to move the plot along got full backstories to the point where i could play them as dnd pcs #it's the longest work of fiction ive ever written. bc ive been working on it on and off for so long a lot of milestones #were completed while writing this fic. idk its been so long its almost embarrassing to be like 'still working on it' #but i couldn't give it up if i tried. you know. this fic is like a lover to me. it is my everything #it's my mortal enemy it's my best friend it's my shoulder to cry on it's my fine china to throw against the wall #i escape to it. i need to escape from it. i'm tortured by it. its tortured by me. i bemoan it day in and day out #i wish id never started writing it. i wish i could experience writing it all again. i want to be done yesterday. i never want to finish #etc. you get the picture

[cerealmonster15]

ougugugughghhh i get,,, so embarrassed when i try to be Earnest lol especially w/in the context of like fanart/fic like i LOVE when other people do it i LOVE reading earnest and vulnerable deep fics and seeing intense fanart etc etc etc. but then i do it i feel like i am Going To Be Killed LJFDKSLF SDJFLS

#yknow like??? if i do ANYTHING other than my funny ha ha sillies <-which i love btw. my fave thing to do ever #but if i try something Different i feel like im CRINGE for trying bc im not. good at it?? #or like im Trying Too Hard?? I GET SO EMBARRASSED #anyway i got jumpscared by a jami/azu i found from last year #and i mean /i/ like it but. i feel like i would die if i posted it #im p sure ididnt post that one i just sent it to my friend on discord #and then even that still made me Feel Embarrassed lol #SORRY GOD idk why im airing out so much internal feelings today lol #can i really blame it on the caffine. can i. god i really need to find a new therapist lol i cancelled the old one but #havent found a replacement yet jklfjsdl oopsie. but like how do u talk to a therapist about this shit anyway lol #i dont. WANT to tell them about tumblr thats EMBARRASSING #sorry this all boils down to im very insecure and always have been l o l #like it's FINE ill be FINE im just oughhghghghgh yknow? #i guess im better than i used to be bc. i post way more than i used to re:drawing and writing lol but #i do have fits of panic where im like #🧍‍♂️am i delusional. perhaps my mutuals/followers r just politely humoring me #and i am simply making A FOOL of myself #maybe!!!!!!!!!!! i dont know #not that i think anyones out to get me or anything i just hfhhhshhdhsghf #i lost track of what i was talking about #anyway shoutout to people who r nice sorry i have a hard time absorbing it lol thats a ME problem not anyone else

[holytrickster]

honestly i get embarrassed i don't have like. a single other interest I'm as into because i just know everyone around me is probably sick of it

#idk i probably shouldn't have to feel bad about my interests but i annoy myself like oh my god please read something else talk about.. #..something else. its not like i dont like other media; i think pathologic is really freaking cool even if i havent had the time or patience #to play either game yet; i love derry girls it's a really good show; i have this attachment to firefly despite its issues #it's not like i can't get into other things #but nothing has had the chokehold on me that the legendarium has had/still has years later and it's almost frustrating sometimes #like i used to be really into gravity falls for instance. also cuphead; also bartimaeus and lockwood and co. oh and seraphina #but while i still really like all those things and theyre nostalgic for me; i can't...so easily fall back into those worlds in the same way #maybe it is also kin related but it's almosg like i get embarrassed to be so fixated even though it's been such an enjoyable part of my life #as cheesy as that no doubt sounds. i wouldnt be the same person if somebody (i dont even remember who anymore) hadn't been like “hey.. #“..middle schooler aimenel you should read the hobbit” (actually i think i mightve read lotr first i dont remember anymore) #idk why it bugs me; why im like “oh no people will be annoyed by the constant posts” as if anyone couldnt just unfollow or block #im probably always going to be like this to some extent and i dont know why i cant stop feeling embarrassed by my attachment to certain.. #media. its not even an “oHhH nOoOo its problematic in some ways” thing because i really dont give a shit for the most part #i think its literally i feel like people are going to at a certain point go “arent you too old to like this” #which isnt even going to happen probably so i dont know why i care. i dont know why i care when im honestly cringy as shit all the time #its funny ive becomr someone a much younger me would call cringe and just trying to be special or whatever

[todayisafridaynight]

Your dad sounds like a beautiful person internally and externally.

my dad's the best guy in the world and im not exaggerating at all he is in fact a very cool dude and im lucky to call him my peepaw :)

#snap chats #i turn into a five year old whenever i talk about my dad LMAO i just love him lots #hes not perfect obvi he does things that get under my skin but all the good things about him outweigh the 'bad' #like all the 'bad' things about him come from circumstances i understand and cant blame him for #idk i wont get all sappy and sentimental bout it i just really love my dad and it shows LMAO #i mention him in like every other post #just. yeah. very cool :) #im supposed to see him next weekend and we're supposed to go to the aquarium. Hopefully #so that should be fun :) my days always get better when i get to see my dad #oh no im getting all sappy :( gonna make myself cry like a fucking BABY ugh how embarrassing

[lovely-hikari-cosplay]

Had my first cry of the semester

And it’s only week two

#not because I was like actively overwhelmed or upset or anything #I’m in a REQUIRED directing class and had a 1:1 with the prof #She’s super sweet and was just asking about our goals with this class #and like I currently at a point in my life where I don’t feel like leading or in this case directing #so I couldn’t really answer her questions since I really am just taking this clsss bc it’s required #and I like explained to her how I overthink everything and the fact that I don’t want to be a leader/director/designer right now #and Idk I guess vocalizing that flipped a switch and I just started crying #like not even sad or angry crying but just like I felt the tears come and they fell #then I was embarrassed and mad bc I couldn’t quite pinpoint att what I was crying for #in hindsight now it’s bc I still have trouble really talking about my wants and desires and I always feel like I’m selling myself short #and/or saying the wrong thing or not trying hard enough #idk it’s complicated #having anxiety + depression +recovering maladaptive perfectionism isn’t easy #especially when you still WANT to do your best in school I don’t just want to get the degree I want to put my best out there #anyway I’m gonna write her an email apologizing for the sudden tears and explain that I’m just a little hair trigger with certain things #personal

[noxtivagus]

reconnected w some irls after v long time not rlly talking 🥹🫶🏼

#🌙.rambles #i've always been an introvert n more on the quiet side but typically w friends i end up being more. IDK THE WORD but YEAH #i genuinely hope these irls i'm talking about do not see this.... #that said though it genuinely. i genuinely got so surprised i wasn't expecting a notif from a new gc #w my old friend group from gr 6 no less oh god 😭😭 #THEY REMEMBER THE. NOOOO MY CRINGE GR 6 SELF.... #i nearly forgot i wrote THOSE kind of things n on fucking paper too . #dark dark days fr oh dear #these friends r. genuinely rlly special to me though even tho i haven't talked to them in so so long #i'd consider them childhood friends honestly . gr 6 was the peak of my cringe but free days in school #thinking abt dynamics n i typically am more on the observant quiet side at times but dear god i am chaotic #i'm still rather shy bcs it's been a while since we talked after all but #it's certainly comforting ig being in an environment i think where. i'm familiar with it. these people were once my closest friends #n esp since they've known me for a while they know how Weird i am n they're on a similar level of weird too so. 🥺🤍 #i'm embarrassed tho oh that brings back memories i used to write so much #💀 never again will i write that kind of stuff though. maybe when i'm of age but god no never again until then #honestly they weren't the best influences in that regard bcs i probably know too much about that aspect for my age BUT #yh i still consider them my friends honestly they mean a lot to me c: #i wna get closer again or at least. yk really keep this contact this time around #omg back then i used to be like. i was v chaotic yes in our friend grp but like. 'mom friend' i Think yh >.> #hehe remembering i've always loved teasing my friends. thinking as well abt all the times i've made others happy or helped them or #thinking abt what i mean to others rlly make me happy. the times where i can really i assess myself the same way i do others #really remind me that i'm human too. real. yeah. #that was like. the biggest friend grp i had bcs now most of my close friends r like. most of them don't really know each other #n i don't keep contact w a lot of ppl in general hfjldskdl save for ppl solely on social media i'd say i rlly only keep contact w. #typically. 3 irls. #WAIT WAIT 🥺 i got a notif from messenger my best friend from gr 4 saw the gc aaaaaa #she was always like a big sis to me n. it's crazy actually that we're like 3rd cousins or smth. dad's side #she's so smart i always looked up to her! she kept up w sm of my weird antics as a kid n uwahh my writer friend back then c: #i miss those days so much 🥹🫶🏼

[unrealwasteland]

i’ve been feeling like absolute shit for the past week or two but now i’m finally feeling a little better and like i’m being myself again 🙏 and it’s just in time because i’m going away for the weekend to enjoy midsummer! i’m leaving tomorrow morning and getting back sunday evening, and i’ll try to set up at least a little queue for the meantime. 

(i’ll have my phone with me so i’ll have access to tumblr but i’m not sure how much i’ll be online. and normally i use tumblr on desktop anyway and i don’t really like reblogging things on mobile lol)

#i'm very much in the 'am i just lazy or is this depression or something else' stage right now #since march i've just wanted to sleep all the time #and now lately i've also started getting a really frustrating brainfog (i'm not even sure if that's a real thing but idk what to call it) #i sometimes feel like my brain just shuts down and i can't think and i forget stuff and it makes me feel so stupid i hate it #i just feel so worthless in general and i've always kind of tied my sense of self worth to the fact that i'm at least somewhat intelligent #like if i'm not beautiful or talented or funny i can at least be smart or something #and now my brain is just not cooperating at all and i feel like i'm a totally different person than i was like 6 months ago #and also #i'm supposed to be seeing my family in about 3 weeks and i'm just like. i don't want them to see me like this #i'm so embarrassed of myself #anyway these tags are getting a little long so maybe that's enough venting for today #i'm having a mental health appointment in a week and i'll try to talk about some of this stuff there

[depresseddepot]

It's struggle through autism symptoms hours

#being dx as an adult really is just a coin toss of ''will i be okay today or will i be existentially and emotionally ruined'' #was thinking about touch and how much i dislike it and it finally sort of settled home that like #i will not be living the life i imagined #i imagined one day i will be okay being single and unnattractive and i will care for myself #how am i supposed to be hopeless romantic and touch repulsed #how can i ever EVER even slightly hope to find someone who will be into me. like. lmfao it is a cruel joke #i am fat and unattractive. i am asexual and touch repulsed. i have autism and adhd and am completely unmedicated. #my own mother is too embarrassed by me to accept these things let alone not be ashamed of them #i can look past the visual and personality shit. like yeah whatever lets pretend someone is into me. #i do not want to have sex. i do not want to be touched. i do not want to kiss or be lovey dovey. #and i realize what's left is just literally ''a friend'' but what about all this fucking romantic yearning i seem to be full of #idk. i know the answer to this im just trying to ignore it i guess #all this escapism and yearning and dreaming is just to pretend that one day i will be a different person living a different life #but i want to live with someone. i want someone to sleep in my bed. i want someone to wake up and make breakfast with #i want someone who cares about me to be in the house when i get excited about something and need to tell someone #i don't want to be alone #i want to be near someone who makes me feel like i'm not a freak. someone who doesn't ever give me That Look #if ur autistic you know the look im talking about. the confusion the irritation the ridiculousness of it #i want to feel like i will always be someone's first choice. i want to know what it's like to trust someone with every part of me #and it will never happen because i cannot stand to be fucking touched #if i was just asexual i could manage. but i cannot touch #does this get better? will this improve if i meet someone i trust? i want to die #the only (ONLY) thing i think i can even remotely provide is creativity #and im good at it. i can write well and i have good ideas amd i know generally what im doing #but with school and work i just do not have the time to work on my wips #and i don't know how long i can fucking take it #i am doing nothing. i am giving nothing and taking so so fucking much #i know i don't have to work to deserve to live but jesus christ. what am i fucking doing #i don't have time but its the only thing i have to live for and i don't know how much longer i can live like this #vent

[pizzapizzadickz]

...

#infatuated #ah you look so good #diary #personal #...i really wanna see them and talk to them now. #theyre so cute. so so so cute. #i love them a lot. #they're like this cute precious thing to me. in a healthy way this time i think. #so cute so precious. im so happy just thinking about them being happy. i love their laugh their voice all their quirks they have. #so cute so precious. haha i cant even come up with anything better to say bc theyre just the definition of that. #idk. i know theyre not perfect. and maybe im or something. just obsessed. nothing more nothing less. #maybe i am. i worry about that a lot. i dont want them hurt by me. i feel like that'd kill me inside. #lmao god i feel so sad just thinking about that. if i hurt them or betrayed their trust itd hurt so much. #id feel like itd hurt a lot more than in the past. but maybe thats just because im in the present. #lmao im getting all sad bc of that. #but id like to hear their voice again. or hear them sing. i wanna see them. i love when theyre happy. #i love how they react when embarrassed or to compliments. they really are too cute for their own good. #its absolutely adorable i love them so much haha. i dont know how someone could be so cute. #i hope i do get to meet them. haha. i know id be so awkward though. i always am when im in person. #i can talk over text or call. but as soon as im in person i always freeze up. the things i think about get much worse #i worry theyll hate me or not like what i say. i always overthink that. always. #but i tend to warm up after a bit. after i relax and anxiety passes i go back to normal. #i feel like im so weird though sometimes. i worry i wont react well. or the way ppl want. #its hard chosing how to react. how to read expressions. #but theyre so cute. i wanna see their face. i wanna see all their expressions. so cute. really so cute. #they look so good too!!! so cute indeed. #ahhhh. i wanna insult myself in the same breath. i always do that. i say and will think 'unlike me' #i do that so much sometimes. whenever i get compliments or when they say they care i always feel empty. #its not that i dont believe their words. i believe in them. i just dont believe in me. #...in the end trash is always trash. and i always feel like that. used. discarded. broken.

[kavehater]

AURGHH I KEEP FLASHBACKING TO THE AWKWARD SITUATION TODAY

#it feels unreal #gonna cry #I wish guys didn’t exist !!! that way I wouldn’t be so awkward around them !!!! #like it’s so mean to expect me to suddenly be okay with interacting with them when I’ve been shut out from them for most of my development #years #its like so unhealthy 🧍‍♀️ #anyways I already have a tough time talking when I’m in a mildly stressful situation but … #like my words always get stuck in my throat / I just mumble random nonesense / I don’t know how to articulate my thoughts / stammering #I’m a rlly anxious person and it’s rlly debilitating 🧎‍♀️ #who ever thinks stammering is cute can respectfully … idk IM JUST LIKE 😭😭😭 how’s stammering cute I am stressed beyond belief !!! #I hate socialisation #anyways ughhh that was so embarrassing pls like now I think I made him feel bad about himself … #I didn’t mean to I swear I would never 😭 he just misunderstood me is all 😭 #Muslim Girls CANT TOUCH ANY GUY INCLUDING HANDSHAKES FISTBUMPS ETC #pls … why are guys trying to fist bump me I am not a bro 😔 #I Ran out of the lab basically #my mum when I told her the story she was sympathising w him more than me and said I should get over it !!!! #girl … I cannot stand men … even the normal ones creep me out to some extent #I’ve been shut out from them for centuries everyone wants a token goody two shoes good girl #who doesn’t talk to boys until she’s thrust into said mixed environment and is expected to deal with it how about no … #dora daily #yeah I dislike every male idk they make me feel weird ? it’s hard to explain 😭 #it wouldn’t be that deep if everyone didn’t slaughter malala for the handshake UGHHH ID RATHER JUST SHAKE HIS HAND WHY IS THIS AN ISSUE #like on one hand I could’ve said hey I’m not allowed in my religion but doesn’t that just sound like rlly bad ? #the only thing I managed to tell him was after I stared at him like a deer in headlights was “uh …. I … can’t” #and he was like wdym you can’t LIKE LOOKING UPSET 😭 #I DONT DO WELL WITH MAKING PPL UPSET IM SOBBING #I hope he didn’t take it personally it’s just 😭😭😭 #anyways time to shut up !!!

[viosjaan]

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#i need to talk to you so fucking badly but i don't know how #i hate you a little for convincing me that we could do this we could be this weird thing between more than friends but less than lovers #and that i could be okay with it #i told you i couldn't #i told you i was so scared of losing you fucking everything up hurting you again #you said it would be fine #it's not fucking fine #you said not to test your self control but do you want to see pictures of me in a tank top #sometimes i hate you so much for perfectly knowing which buttons of mine to push to get me to agree to you #i hate that i can't even hate you properly because im too busy feeling fucking fond ki aw kitni cute hai kitna mast flirt karti hai there's #no going back you're it for me #when you're not. im tired of waiting and hoping #it's literally a vicious fucking cycle we fight we make up things stay good for a while but then ek din we talk at 2 am #and my fucking feelings become too real and i start having expectations hopes for our future together and then one tiny thing #happens something that is normal but perfecy for shattering my illusion like you saying 'uske liye pehle date bhi toh karna padega na' and #flirting with others #i hate that i can't express my feelings well i hate that i was too fucking embarrassed to say that #i know it doesn't mean anything to you but it means something to me. it means that you don't respect our relationship enough it means that #other people believe you're single and available and they're shooting their shot trying to impress you and it's so fucking maddening ki idk #i want to kill them all i hate them so much #i hate that you bring out the worst and best parts in me i hate that i feel so possessive and angry but also how i always try to be gentler #more soft hearted to people in my life because of you because of your lovable tender heart i hate the way i try to talk to my mom politely #because you love your mom. i hate that i don't hate anything at all about all of this except for the fact that you're not physically here #i miss you and love is understanding and i won't ever find anyone like you again and i don't want to remove enchanted from my ts playlist #but i also don't know how to not cry everytime i listen to it i don't know how to listen to renegade and think #that whoa i used to be the renegade in my first relationship and now it's you you're the renegade and you need me and all that joking about #i could fix you but i couldn't. i can't. not because you're too broken but because it hurts too much to stay im not strong enough to be #there for you

[no-one-hears-me]

man a few years ago this blog was bumping and idk if it's more embarrassing to post now or back then

#nowadays my posts don't really get interaction bc all my followers are inactive #or most. idk #so I kinda just post whatever I want and forget about it #back in the day I would post things and get replies/asks about it #or I would see likes and rbs in my notifications #so if it was a cringe post I wouldn't always wanna be reminded of it. but I always was #and now I can just say things and move on #I did like the interactions I used to have tho #like talking to my mutuals or people just replying to my posts all the time #that was fun ngl #just embarrassing if I made a vent post during a mental breakdown one night #then wake up the next morning to people in my replies telling me not to kms lmao #that's appreciated obviously it's just embarrassing to be reminded of certain things I put on the internet #I kinda abandoned this blog for a little while tho #I'm back bc I have more free time and also I had a situation #if I wanna kms I gotta post about it on tumblr obviously 🙄 #Sera