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fuckthisplacewithacactus · 9 years

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Being Different

I am unable to cry. Have you ever met anyone like that? Someone who, despite suffering intensely, is unable to let it out and cry? It is not pleasant at all, let me tell you.

I often get envious when people complain about crying easily - crying over a movie or a book. Imagine when you find something so incredibly funny that you try to laugh, but all that happens is you squint your eyes together, slam your hand on your leg and sound like you are wheezing for air - but no laughter comes out. It's a joyful feeling so intense, so great that it is almost impossible to contain, yet you are unable to laugh and let it out.

That is how sadness and suffering is to me.

However...

What I actually wanted to blog about was being different A friend of mine read my first real blog post. We had a long talk about everything, and she asked me to make a list of pros and cons about being different like I am.

Now, I should probably clarify just how I'm different, shouldn't I? Yes, that seems like a good idea.

- I am intelligent. I don't say this to brag or to raise myself, because trust me, often it feels like a god damned curse. But as a matter of fact, I have an IQ that is well above the average IQ. This means that I experience things differently, and it severely hinders my communication because connections that are obvious to my mind are not exactly obvious to... well, anyone else. And I am fascinated by things that others might find boring.

- I am awkward. I don't know how to talk to people, and in real life, you can't quite walk up to someone and press X. Then again, I guess I haven't tried, so maybe you can? Feel free to let me know if I'm wrong here.

- I don't have a lot of the same interests as others. I'm afraid it's rare that you find someone my age who will sit down and enjoy reading poetry to each other or talk about poetry. Watch musicals or theater with you. To many, I seem like a high-culture snob when in fact, I am not. I simply enjoy and worship beauty anywhere I might find it. And to me, lyrical beauty is one of the most pure forms of beauty there is. It can make my heart race, my mind sing, my consciousness soar and my body flood with all sorts of sensations. It is truly epic. And I rarely find people who share this.

- I am socially anxious. Talking to strangers scare me shitless, and I harbor a massive, baseless fear of masculine cis-gendered men - that is, men who are born men and identify as men. Cis-gendered men put me in absolute and instant alert mode. I start to envision how they are going to attack me and how I should counter to avoid being killed. And then, they poke my shoulder, smile at me and tell me I dropped something. And then I feel like a horrible person for thinking that way.

- I am an introvert. Don't get me wrong, I love people. I want to have company up until that point where my body tells me it's enough and I just want to go home and curl up with my PC or my sewing machine.

- Did I mention I'm a guy who sews? I know this isn't abnormal in the broad spectrum of things, in the more free places like, say, Trumblr, but out in broad society that often gets you pegged as feminine, a sissy, gay or weird. Oh, and add my bisexuality to that and you and trouble starts brewing.

- I am almost pathologically honest. If I find your wallet, you can be sure it returns to you with all of the contents it had when I found it. I might even clean off the dirt before returning it. And while honesty and a sense of justice is all good, I can't seem to shut up about injustice. If someone does someone wrong, for instance snaps at them in public for no good reason, there's a good chance I'll speak out against the person who did wrong. Now, while this hasn't gotten me beaten up yet, I'm sure that's just a matter of time.

- I am incredibly bad at smalltalk. And what people don't get about me is that a silence in my eyes isn't nescessarily awkward or uncomfortable. It's simply a while where neither of us has anything important to say, and if you try to force me to speak when I have nothing to say, I'll probably end up commenting on your likeness to a potato. I can tell you from experience that telling a girl with a retainer that she reminded me of a bad-ass cyborg ninja was NOT a hit.

- I believe that I experience things more intensely. I have a suspicion that I might be hypersensitive. But of course, I never consulted a medical professional, and as a result hereof, I can't say for sure.

You get the picture, right. This is enough for now. I was actually supposed to make a list, wasn't I?

Pros of being different: - Incredibly intense emotional experiences. I am able to bond with fictional characters and be emotionally moved by lyrical talent - I am able to grasp some things rather easily because of my intelligence - I learn quickly - I am comfortable in my own company, if a bit lonely - I find self-discovery incredibly interesting Cons: - No one seems to understand truly - Incredibly lonely - Keeping focus is difficult - even though I learn quickly, mastering something is rare to me because it can't keep me interested - It is very rare that I meet people I can relate properly to - It is rare that I meet people who truly seem to like me - I don't have many friends as a result of being different - I feel very lonely - I have been let down enough that my social anxiety is out of control - People can't relate to me and often make fun of me because of it - I rarely get to have proper fun as close no one I know seems to share many of my interests - People tire me - I can't relate to normal people - I have been hurt enough that I am afraid to form emotional attachments - I crave many things of life that I'm not supposed to until much later, and they are currently unattainable to me - I can't seem to interact properly with others - Being different has caused me enough emotional trauma that I am unable to cry

And in conclusion... As you can see, so far, my perception on being different is vastly weighed towards the negative. I am sure there are many great aspects to being as I am - I just can't see them. I would like to, but I cannot.

I am struggling very much with this - so much so that it seems unbearable. And it bothers me.

I feel guilty for being miserable.

I am entitled. I am one of the most entitled individuals in the world. I am a white, cis-gendered male in my mid-20s living in a European country with free education where they pay us to attend, and we have free health care as well. I am healthy and in decent shape despite being overweight.

I am not a sickly, starving child in Africa with no future. I am in tune with my birth gender - a gender the world wrongfully seems to favor - and I have no true struggle ahead of me to justify my very existence. My life is supposed to be easy and straight forward. I am supposed to get a job, achieve my dreams and be disgustingly happy.

But it feels like it's an uphill struggle towards a goal that's forever out of my reach.

#struggling #pain #misery #IAmNotWell #Suicidal #different #BeingDifferent #MyJourney #INeedHelp

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