#i've tried everything but therapy

[fidjiefidjie]

Bon Soir 🆕️ 💔🎙💙

Teddy Swims 🎶 Some Things I'll Never Know

(I’ve Tried Everything But Therapy)

#new music #teddy swims #live music #some things l'll never know #music video #i've tried everything but therapy #live music video #youtube #soul music #bon soir #fidjie fidjie

[immanueldid]

#music #Teddy Swims #Lose Control #I've Tried Everything But Therapy #Spotify

[feluka]

time for my scheduled pre class panic attack

#i've just got to accept that there's no cure for agoraphobia and that i'll always feel this way outside </3 #literally tried everything all kinds of medicine all kinds of therapy. what i need is to be allowed to stay indoors indefinitely #unless i'm with someone i feel safe with. that's it. i don't see any other future

[werewolf-transgenderism]

thank you tangle jr. metallic for my life

#I have three of them (blue purple and gold) and they are everything to me #sensory overload cured by staring at the mesmerizing shininess and feeling the satisfying click clacking of metallic blue tangle jr #I am a hand stimming type of guy and these things are great in every permutation I've tried but the metallic ones are extra nice #they move smoothly they're less crunchy and they're both a visual and tactile stim #do also love the tangle therapy line for a more relaxed stim #but the metallic ones give you a three senses at once stim that is very useful in tandem with headphones and low lights

[monster-noises]

I love this phase in 'writing' something (thinking about writing it) where I psych myself out about it and become convinced i will never be able to write it because the things i'm trying to write are Impossible to find a solution for

But like.. the things i'm trying to write are 'make a character who struggles to appropriately express himself communicate a vunerability without point blank communicating a vunerability' and 'make it clear the character being communicated to picked up on that without point blank acknowledging the vunerability verbally to the person or reader'

Which is like

Normal Writing Shit

And i am simply stressing myself out for No Reason and yet i Cannot Stop

#monster noises #thinkin about FaHI things #though this applies to everything i've ever tried to write #including Haggarty #most basic and straight forward of fantasy tales #i think the fact i haven't Solidy Written something in... probably nearly a decade #is showing its hands here #if i had more experience digging my hands into the nitty gritty it would probably be less intimidating #but once again when it comes down to whether i want to spend my limited time writing or drawing? #drawing always wins #and i just never get to the writing #i mean FaHI also has the added layers of defining how i'm characterizing Karl and working within the confines of what's shown in the game #but also within the parameters of what i want the story to Be #and that can be a tight needle to thread #i don't want to Hard And Obvious 'he wouldn't Fucking say that/act like that' the audience #but also my karl isn't going to be everyone else's individual #(or collectively understood) #karl and that's just how it's gunna be #and to be more specific i mean i both don't want to do the 'therapy speak' thing #where a character who doesn't or shouldn't have the means to emotionally grapple with something in that aware or mature of a way Does #but i also have no interesting in making the relationship between lazarus and karl at any point directly abusive or highly toxic #largely because this is my little flight of fancy i'm writing for me and in this version of the story i don't want to explore that #if i want to write a genuinely toxic relationship with a similar dynamic i'll write about virgil and thomas #laz and karl aren't Good and Perfectly Healthy And Functional Obviously but they aren't Awful to eachother #but the line is hard to ride #at least in my head #i've got a few instance laid out where i've nailed what i'm going for #but there's a lot of in-between and lead up that needs to be addressed that i'm like #'ahh??! hmmmn???? wha??? !!' #best solution though would be to just start writing but gjdkks good luck with that.....

[tyrantwombat]

The S Class who unsettles me the most is definitely Song Taewon.

#chapter 133 #reading sctir #I've thought this since his first appearance #I love him to death #but he's deeply unnerving in the same way a pipe bomb sitting on your kitchen counter is unnerving #he's gonna snap someday #he's not okay in a way that has nothing to do with his class and everything to do with shitty self care habits #like please my man get a HOBBY #do yoga #deep breathing exercises #go to therapy #literally anything #92% of STW's problems could be solved if he would just take normal days off I swear to gosh #but if you ever tried to pull him out of his deeply unhealthy rut he'd bite your hand off #put himself right back in there #he's HAPPY in his pit of despair thank you very much #so everyone is just stuck watching him in baffled and increasinf horror #and I think the part that makes it so difficult to explain why it's SONG TAEWON who is the most stressful out of all the s classes we've #been introduced to #is #hyh or shj snap and what the fallout will look like is pretty easy to predict #will it be pretty? no #but it's relatively knowable #stw? #...you don't really wanna think about it #which makes watching him struggle. REALLY stressful. #like please buddy take better care of yourself PLEASE. for my heart.

[regular-lord-reckoner]

.....................i just found out that none of the payments i've been making for my therapy appointments have been going to my deductible

awesome

love that

#i know i should have checked on this sooner but it's just been hard to get around to #and now i'm just confused like...where have all those payments been going then? #how are claims supposedly being filed and yet...my insurance doesn't have any? #whose insurance is it going to then? #sucks because i've been paying in cash too and don't have any bills of service #so there's literally nothing i have to show on my end that i've been doing my part #i just...am i being scammed? #i hope to god not because i really like my therapist but like...this sucks #i know her accountant had some family issues and was out for a while #which is also why i wanted to give her a minute to get caught up #but like...at this point what the hell #like i should probably be halfway through or at least have put a dent in my deductible #and once i meet that everything's covered 100% which would help me out a lot but like #i have a bad feeling we'll get this sorted out and the solution will be i just have to start over again #i hope to god not #or i may just have to stop going to therapy because this....sucks #also as an aside i've been super depressed lately and thought i'd cheer myself up by dyeing my hair and it.... #looks like absolute shit #i tried to just lighten it with powder and developer and all that instead of bleach because i thought it would be easier #and now it just looks awful and feels awful and i'm still probably going to have to bleach it anyway #awesome! #love that #love this situation #love being alive #love it all so much

[fallingbyjuleecruise]

#i’m really going through it right now but i can’t even afford therapy anymore bc even tho i’ve been applying for jobs since May #only one got back to me but they said they weren’t interested in hiring only seasonal even tho they said it was a good job for students #or temporary workers to pad their resumes after long gaps which i have bc after i had to leave my job to go to chicago for school i’ve been #unemployed and constantly applying for work w absolutely no responses for the last 2 years #which was easier when i was getting unemployment but i used all of that up a long time ago and i keep getting hit w weird charges whenever #i manage to save up any money and i keep being put in the negative in my account #and i tried to open a threadless store just to get SOME money ANY money but no one really bought anything so i've lost all motivation to #add designs bc it's a lot of effort for no reward and i can't think of what to add that would interest ppl in buying my stuff so i can get #pocket change essentially and i'm about to enter my final semester and i have to put together my bfa show at the end of it and i don't have #any money to create anything that's worth anything or that would be a good representation of my ability as an artist bc everything costs #money and i think i made a mistake deciding to go to art school instead of doing literally anything else but i don't have any other skills #and i now i'm wondering if all that time i spent cultivating art skills i should've been learning a vocation so i could actually have a #future and i hate all of my classmates bc they're getting gallery jobs or work in the field and i'm just trying to get trying to see if i #can get a host position at a shitty restaurant again bc i just need any sort of paycheck so that i can scrape by #my posts #.jpg

[myce]

.

#so fucking tired of having to exist so fucking tired of constantly being depressed #i have everything going for me i should be content #i have a house with my partner and cats and a dog and a garden and a steady job with good pay and no commute and a set schedule #i should be happy!!! i should finally be happy and content!!! #but no i still spend my entire day suffering through trying to get myself to work #and then my entire evening too tired to do anything i want to do #and it's not like 'just go to therapy ' cause i've gone to years and years of therapy and tried so many antidepressants #and i'm just so TIRED of it #i'm so tired of being miserable unless i'm actively laughing #i hate being bad at my job i hate being lazy i hate not doing what i want to do #nothing will fix me and i'm so tired of it

[arcadequeerz]

I hate Therapists.

#||Dnt Reb/og plz|| #Cade.vnt #not a single one has called me back. not a single one. #i've called. so many. none of them even fucking answer half the time. #i leave a voicemail- and none of call me back. #some of the numbers that 'supposedly' take my insurance aren't even active/in use anymore. #some of these plaes wont even return my call because they no longer take my insurance- and won't answer to tell me so who knows if i am #wasting my time trying to call any of them back #half the resources i am given: no longer work. no longer take my insurance or aren't even answering when i call #i am trying so fucking hard to get help but no one is answering and i am at m limit i rly Am. #the one place i was getting therapy at dropped me and wont even talk to me because i ~missed too many appointments~ #when every time i had to i called them- and it was because of family emergencies- n i talked my my therapist directly about it #and then for months they woyldn't even return my calls or answer when i tried to schedual a appointment. the only time they answered they #did a 'intake' and said to call back in five mins. we did. they didn't answer. we left a voicemail. they never called back #and when i tried to schedual a appointment they tell me that they will no longer take me. #i am right at that edge. i'm falling apart and i am trying to get help and no one fucking cares and my family is telling me to do more when #im jut trying to do this #i'm just tired. #of everything.

[disengaged]

i kinda wanna go back to therapy for the 8000th time but honestly it just makes everything worse lol

#my last therapist worsened my relapse so bad by telling me it 'makes sense to starve myself' and 'no one can stop me' #and then repeatedly discussing the scarring fucking experiences of psychiatric incarceration as a minor with zero cooldown #so i just dipped outta there and proceeded into a downward slide for four months i guess. and i just honestly cannot go thru that again tbh #which like. Gee thanks a lot murray . but it's not just him it's like ... every psych ever. i'm immune to talk therapy . it freaks me out #every single day i wake up & wonder why i've chosen psychology as a career path <3 #pegasus speaks #delete later #ed ment tw #ask 2 tag idk whateever #also i'm keenly aware that it gets worse before it gets better. & timing for accessing care related to trauma is smth we talk abt a lot #so like i'm just going with the flow for now. waiting until i'm in a stable enough space to process old shit and everything i guess. #but it fucking sucks either way #i just feel like i've tried every treatment option available to me and nothing has been Right except medication #which put me into a waking coma for two years of my adolescence #but what kind of shitty fucking psychologist am i if i can't work through my own issues first lmao

[everhoods]

something's no something poor dog training something something thinking I need to harm someone/self for people to listen to me

#jesse.txt #I would not survive a day in prison especially with my food pickiness and deep rage #Then again psych ward are literally prison. Like they are I'm not being edgy. #Like we didn't have labor or anything but there's a lot of comparisons I've seen other people make #But right in my mind I like to make up self care and mental health tip posts #And literally everything is going my way because I tried to poison someone when I was younger #Ofc my way is therapy and meds. Which is very bad for some people so I'm just gigabrained basically #self harm mention

[cocklessboy]

The biggest male privilege I have so far encountered is going to the doctor.

I lived as a woman for 35 years. I have a lifetime of chronic health issues including chronic pain, chronic fatigue, respiratory issues, and neurodivergence (autistic + ADHD). There's so much wrong with my body and brain that I have never dared to make a single list of it to show a doctor because I was so sure I would be sent directly to a psychologist specializing in hypochondria (sorry, "anxiety") without getting a single test done.

And I was right. Anytime I ever tried to bring up even one of my health issues, every doctor's initial reaction was, at best, to look at me with doubt. A raised eyebrow. A seemingly casual, offhand question about whether I'd ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Even female doctors!

We're not talking about super rare symptoms here either. Joint pain. Chronic joint pain since I was about 19 years old. Back pain. Trouble breathing. Allergy-like reactions to things that aren't typically allergens. Headaches. Brain fog. Severe insomnia. Sensitivity to cold and heat.

There's a lot more going on than that, but those were the things I thought I might be able to at least get some acknowledgement of. Some tests, at least. But 90% of the time I was told to go home, rest, take a few days off work, take some benzos (which they'd throw at me without hesitation), just chill out a bit, you'll be fine. Anxiety can cause all kinds of odd symptoms.

Anyone female-presenting reading this is surely nodding along. Yup, that's just how doctors are.

Except...

I started transitioning about 2.5 years ago. At this point I have a beard, male pattern baldness, a deep voice, and a flat chest. All of my doctors know that I'm trans because I still haven't managed to get all the paperwork legally changed, but when they look at me, even if they knew me as female at first, they see a man.

I knew men didn't face the same hurdles when it came to health care, but I had no idea it was this different.

The last time I saw my GP (a man, fairly young, 30s or so), I mentioned chronic pain, and he was concerned to see that it wasn't represented in my file. Previous doctors hadn't even bothered to write it down. He pushed his next appointment back to spend nearly an hour with me going through my entire body while I described every type of chronic pain I had, how long I'd had it, what causes I was aware of. He asked me if I had any theories as to why I had so much pain and looked at me with concerned expectation, hoping I might have a starting point for him. He immediately drew up referrals for pain specialists (a profession I didn't even know existed till that moment) and physical therapy. He said depending on how it goes, he may need to help me get on some degree of disability assistance from the government, since I obviously shouldn't be trying to work full-time under these circumstances.

Never a glimmer of doubt in his eye. Never did he so much as mention the word "anxiety".

There's also my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADHD last year (meeting me as a man from the start, though he knew I was trans). He never doubted my symptoms or medical history. He also took my pain and sleep issues seriously from the start and has been trying to help me find medications to help both those things while I go through the long process of seeing other specialists. I've had bad reactions to almost everything I've tried, because that's what always happens. Sometimes it seems like I'm allergic to the whole world.

And then, just a few days ago, the most shocking thing happened. I'd been wondering for a while if I might have a mast cell condition like MCAS, having read a lot of informative posts by @thebibliosphere which sounded a little too relatable. Another friend suggested it might explain some of my problems, so I decided to mention it to the psychiatrist, fully prepared to laugh it off. Yeah, a friend thinks I might have it, I'm not convinced though.

His response? That's an interesting theory. It would be difficult to test for especially in this country, but that's no reason not to try treatments and see if they are helpful. He adjusted his medication recommendations immediately based on this suggestion. He's researching an elimination diet to diagnose my food sensitivities.

I casually mentioned MCAS, something routinely dismissed by doctors with female patients, and he instantly took the possibility seriously.

That's it. I've reached peak male privilege. There is nothing else that could happen that could be more insane than that.

I literally keep having to hold myself back from apologizing or hedging or trying to frame my theories as someone else's idea lest I be dismissed as a hypochondriac. I told the doctor I'd like to make a big list of every health issue I have, diagnosed and undiagnosed, every theory I've been given or come up with myself, and every medication I've tried and my reactions to it - something I've never done because I knew for a fact no doctor would take me seriously if they saw such a list all at once. He said it was a good idea and could be very helpful.

Female-presenting people are of course not going to be surprised by any of this, but in my experience, male-presenting people often are. When you've never had a doctor scoff at you, laugh at you, literally say "I won't consider that possibility until you've been cleared by a psychologist" for the most mundane of health problems, it might be hard to imagine just how demoralizing it is. How scary it becomes going to the doctor. How you can internalize the idea that you're just imagining things, making a big deal out of nothing.

Now that I'm visibly a man, all of my doctors are suddenly very concerned about the fact that I've been simply living like this for nearly four decades with no help. And I know how many women will have to go their whole lives never getting that help simply because of sexism in the medical field.

If you know a doctor, show them this story. Even if they are female. Even if they consider themselves leftists and feminists and allies. Ask them to really, truly, deep down, consider whether they really treat their male and female patients the same. Suggest that the next time they hear a valid complaint from a male patient, imagine they were a woman and consider whether you'd take it seriously. The next time they hear a frivolous-sounding complaint from a female patient, imagine they were a man and consider whether it would sound more credible.

It's hard to unlearn these biases. But it simply has to be done. I've lived both sides of this issue. And every doctor insists they treat their male and female patients the same. But some of the doctors astonished that I didn't get better care in the past are the same doctors who dismissed me before.

I'm glad I'm getting the care I need, even if it is several decades late. And I'm angry that it took so long. And I'm furious that most female-presenting people will never have this chance.

#transgender #queer #transmasc #lgbtqia+ #trans man #sexism #medical sexism #feminism #male privilege

[lysspossum]

ooooough i waited too long to eat and now i'm in the "i am very hungry but absolutely cannot get it together for long enough to even decide what i want"

#i hate having a brain that works so strongly against me #my only goal for this year is to find someone who believes me #and can help me work on some of the worst things I deal with #just one person to believe that what i say is true would make such a HUGE difference #and by 'one person' i mean a 'medical professional who can help with medication' #i feel like that's my only option now #i've done therapy for so long and i've tried everything for so long #and just cannot find a way to get over the issues that keep me so isolated and all the other bad stuff

[dokyeomini]

i had a very successful shopping trip after therapy

#therapy was good too #after i went to a trift store and found a nice i think mostly cotton sweater #that also fit me almost perfectly #it needs some care tho #it didn't have a label that said what material it was but it felt like cotton #it said mixed fibers algkzlj #of and everything was 1 eur! #i also found a really nice mens bleiser but it didn't fit well at the shoulders so i left it there #it was really nice 100% wool except the lining #it would have gone perfectly with the sweater... #then i went ribbon and yarn shopping #i think i found some nice ribbon. 2 cotton and one decorative polyester yarn #and i found some really nice yarn! #im gonna make a shawl from the black/purple yarn and i got some cotton/silk yarn that i think im gonna use to make a thin scarf #i might need more or that tho... #i wanted to get some for another headband but ... i had to control myself #anyways I've got stuff for finishing the presents now #and i got some skincare i really hope it works for me bc I haven't tried this cleanser before #but it's a bit similar to ones i've used and i've tried this brand before it was fine #also got the leave in conditioner i think it'll help me detangle my hair a lot #and i need help with that .. #this was a lot but bc there's the january sales it was ok

[inkskinned]

i'm used to it, and how bad it is, and how often it's so bad that it rings like a bell inside of me, drowning out everything around me. and the truth is that i get frustrated with myself about it - again? we're like this still? again? it's not that i feel weak, precisely. it's just this sense almost like - i've already been pushing against this thing for years now, shouldn't i have gained more ground?

i get frustrated because i'm sick of picking up the loose ends every six months. i get frustrated because it's always this same shit, same problem - i lose myself in a matter of months; spiral out of control, lose touch with friends and loved ones. i stop taking care of myself and therapy gets hard and i let everything around me wilt and shrivel and fall off; start somehow both sleeping too much and not-enough. i panic-attack and cry in my car in a target parking lot, pulling my hair out and hurting my ribs from sobbing so hard - and later, when i'm better, i'm embarrassed because how could i let it get that far?

it feels like - i already have done this so many times. isn't there a way out of it? isn't there a point where i've just... won? that it never happens again, that i just get to be done? maybe this is weakness, i guess - that i still (so often!) succumb.

i am used to it, so i forget exactly how hard it gets. do you even know how many times i've laid in bed, exhausted, blank and numb and listless and said - i can't anymore. i just can't. i'm not even really upset. it's okay. i've been here long enough. so much of my life was beautiful.... i'm just... done.

do you know how many times i woke up and i said - i can't and put my feet on the floor and said i can't, i don't want to and took a shower and walked the dog and bought myself fresh bread and put a nice playlist on and said i really can't, there's no end to this and i went to work and i called a friend and i made myself cookies even if food tasted like ashes and decided that i really should wait for the new album from that artist i love and i thought i can't, it's not worth it and then i washed my hands and cut my hair and drank more water and wrote a poem and signed up for an art class at the local community college and said i can't, i can't, i won't do this again, and i paid my rent and let the dishes rot in the sink but still made myself eat anything fresh even if it meant overdrawing my account on a stupid bag of plums just because they looked delicious and do you know how often i closed my eyes and thought this is it i really fucking can't, something has to give and i have nothing left that it can take and then i went to bed and i got up and i fucking survived anyway

yesterday the local ice cream place opened up for the first time this season and they were giving out tiny samples of their new dairy-free options and i tried a mango sorbet. three months ago i was positive that februrary was going to be my last month on the planet. i am teaching my dog a new trick and i just discovered a new band i love. i got a plant from the clearance aisle and repotted her and she's been perking up. i made salmon for alison and we ate it in her new house with her new beautiful baby girl. my manager told me he keeps recommending my work to others just because i always include a stupid number of puns. tomorrow i'm trying a new dance class. tomorrow i'm maybe going to buy more plums.

i forget, you know? it's not some bone-deep strength or some magical power. it's that some part of me knows - i need to stay. in all of this; out of all of this - i just want to choose love.

#writeblr #this is too honest and writing it made me cry #sorry #poetry