#Cade.vnt

[arcadequeerz]

#Cade.vnt #I complain a lot about shit on here so im sorry but haha things fucking suck n i hate everything. #i wanna curl into a ball and just rot here. #evrrything costs so much money i cant do anything. getting shut off notices for everything. #being alive is so fucking expensive and i am so damn tired of trying anymore. #im just exhausted. im tired. everything keeps gettibg worse. i wanna sleeop #i cant even get myself into therapy or get myself to a fucking doctor. #i have no energy for anything anymore. #i wish things could just be ok for a little while n things could be easier. #why is living so expensive

[arcadequeerz]

why is trying to live hard.

#Cade.vnt #Why is it hard to just try and be alive and live. why is the food i can afford have shit like lead n things #that'll kill me in it #wqhy is everything hard and exhausting. im gonna just go to sleep i think. #im too tired to be worried about thinhgs anymore. #probably over reacting but idk anymore at this point. #dont know if i should worry or if i should just not care cus theres already other shit to deal with n worr about #anyways.

[arcadequeerz]

#Cade.vnt #I hate tht i need money. i hate that everything is so expensive and i hate tht it costs so much to just #feed myself and my family. #everytime i feel hungry anymore i feel guilty and i dont wanna eat becsuse someone else might want whatever it is #i hate being hungry i hate needing food because it costs so fucking much #i wish i id not need to eat #feels like im wasting my families mney everytime on food for me

[arcadequeerz]

Wish I didn't care about what people I do not know think about me.

#Cade.vnt #constantly feel like i need to make myself smaller or try and not take up space or be too loud or too much #or be too me. #idk how to explain wht i mean.

[arcadequeerz]

HhrHG

#Cade.vnt #money is. really tight. mom is panicking all the time because we barely have money to buy food n she #doesn't know how we're going to afford to use the heat this winter #the only reason i still have wifi is because my brother pays for it #our washer is broken and our garbage disposal broke. #everything costs so much fucking money i am simply tired. existing and living costs so much fucking money im tired #i need to go to the doctors n try n get someone to lisren to me but who knows ehen i'll be able to #i need to try n get disability but they've denied me twice. #been trying to get a appointment w a therapist but no one ever returns our calls or takes my insurance #i am going insane. every resource i've tried using doesn't fucking work #i have been trying to get help for the past 3 years and it seems like no one gives a shit #i'm going to curl into a ball and let myself rot i think at this point.

[arcadequeerz]

figured out why i've been feeling so off. todays my dads birthday,

#cade.vnt #head hurts and i feel sick and im so fucing spacy right now #trying to not tihink about how old he'd be now #hate this an i dont want to think about this

[arcadequeerz]

I'm not sure if i'll ever be ready for a relationship. I don't know if i'm ever going to be mentally ready for that ever. I imagine having someone I can be close like that with but I don't think I have the energy for it. I don't think I could handle anything serious.

Don't know how to explain what I mean. Imagining anyone looking at me and seeing anything worth while is already hard to imagine. Feel like I wold just drag someone down with me and make someone miserable with how sad I am, All the time.

I do not talk, I do not go places, I lay in bed and sleep- don't know why anyone would put up with that. Sometimes I feel like I have: so much love and I wanna share it w someone(s) but I'm just too much- I'm too loud and too tired and too sad.

just. hm. feel like i am impossible to love and impossible to deal with.

#and i know i'll post this n the readmore will not work so i have to edit to add it again cus tumblr #fucking sucks and works like ass. #Cade.vnt

[arcadequeerz]

Damn sure wish I could feel okay for a little while.

#Cade.vnt #It is Kind of Funny that only Now I've just realized i'll never hear my dads voice again. #like yeah. you aren't cool that ur just thinking about this. #am i going to forget how he sounded. im going to foget his voice and wont be able to remember it #part of me doesn't get why im so sad because its not like i hadn't had dreams of him dying and being so happy. #it s not like most of my memories with him are of him yelling at me. #and yet i'm laying here in bed crying over the fact i wont ever hear his voice again. #i wish i didnt feel any of this i wanna stop feeling this alreadfy

[arcadequeerz]

Ever since my dad died, it constantly feels like I'm waiting for the next horrible thing to happen.

Nothing ever seems like it's getting easier its jurt worse and I'm waiting for the next horrible thing to crash down on me.

Too tired to try and brace for impact i'm jus layinghere on the floor waiting for it to happen .

#Cade.vnt #it is eating me alive and i am exhausted and tired and wa nna go to sleep forever and pretend i never existed

[arcadequeerz]

-

#Cade.vnt #am i allowed to feel like everythings just kind of falling to shit #everything is scary and i'm tired. #mom spent most of this morning yelling at me about how i dont contribute anything to this house #i just sit here while she n my siblings make jokes about how it would be easier/cheaper if i was dead #i hope this house burns down with me inside of it. #dont know why i try anything anymore. try and be happy but it just gets worse and i'm tired. #i give up on hoping things will get better i just dont care anymore. #feel like i need to apologize fo being sad all the time. so sorry fo just venting here and thats it.

[arcadequeerz]

I miss my dad.

#Cade.vnt #Closer it gets to Christmas the more it gets real and the more i hate it. #keep feeling like he's back on the road in his truck but i know he's Not and he's not coming home ever #N idk if its pathetic because me and him didn't get along and yada yada but i always expected him to outlive me #he was supposed to outlive me and he didn't and its Fucked Up and wasn't supposed to be like this. #old fuck was supposed to outlive all of us and he ended up dying in a hospital bed hooked up to machines and i didn't even get to say #goodbye #he didn't even eake back up #and i think thats what fucks me up the most that he didn't get to die here ay home- comfortable in his bed #or didn't get to make some stupid fucking joke that he Reall y shouldn't of said but still would make us laugh- #he left too quietly. he should of gone laughing #it isnt fair. it isn't fucking fair and i hate it and everyone keeps telling me its okay he's 'with god' now #and i dont want him to be i just want him back here. was suppoed to be a xonstant in my life and now #there's this fucking absence and i hate it so fucking much #we still dont even know what happened. #they kept throwing shit around and never said anything for certain. #anyways. my mom cut up a bunch of his shirts this evening- she sais she's gonna make a qult with them #she let me keep his pink floyd shirt though. crying and getting snot all over it rn #i just kind of need 2023 to be kinder to me. and my family. please i cant take anymore loss or pain #it feels like the universe hates me and wnts me dead.

[arcadequeerz]

Can't cut my nails short enough so I cannot claw out chunks of my scalp and hair.

Sitting here with blood under my nails and blood in my hair.

Hyper aware of how much my head hurts but fidgeting w my fidget cube to try and not let myself pick more.

Tells myself this is Normal and I am Fine. This means nothing even though I want To rip all my skin off and my hair out.

#self harm ment tw #It's okay I'm talking about bfrbs so im tagging tht jic- just to be safe. #Cade.Vnt #me all the time: surely if i flick the switch side on my fidget cube enough it'll fix this problem. | me w clump of my hair in my hand: fuc

[arcadequeerz]

Another day of.

#cade.vnt #not looking forward to the hours long road trip with my brother and mom. #I Am. so tired of dealing with these people. #im tired of being screamed st all the time. im tired of livinv hsre. #gotvbad tonight. held myseld back from -self harm ment- hurting myself. #its weird how mg first reaction whn people start screaming is to want to hurt myself. like damn #thats not goinff to help anything now is it. #sorry for talking sbout thid so upfront rn. let me know if i need to twg this better #im not doiing okay right now and i cant handle yvis shit. #feel like im just kind of falling away from everything and i kinda iust wnna not exist anymore. #i wosh i knew where my fidget cube went.

[arcadequeerz]

Today sucked.

#cade.vnt #animal death ment in the tags. #let our cat DC go today. he was 16 years old. raised hin sunce he was a few days old. #had diabetes and it was progressively gettjnf worse even w hin veinf on insulin. #wasnt eating anymore wasnt moving anymore. #couldnt make him go through any more shit then he has. #vet said he was likely in kidney failure. #i wasnt there but my mkm held him the entire time. im going go miss him. #hurts already to see his spot in the cat tree empty. #cost 500 dolllars just fo that. and we cant afford to get his ashes. #god i hate not hsving money i hate this. #trying to mot yhink ablut kt right now but it feels like #weve abandoned him. i know we didng but it feels like it and i just want him here. #god im tired of everything fallig apart around me. im tired of losing people. he was a cat but still. #trying to be happy becajss in a few days #im going to visit my nephew to celebrate his first birthday #i sont want to be like this aeohnd hin. #if someone reqds thks please give your cats a kiss on their heads for ne. #life keeps feeling like ifs gettinf worse n jt keeps getting harder to exist. and i don't #want to be like ghis im so tired of being sad i wanna be happy and i dint want to be #a drain on people. #constantly feel like i need to apologize for bsing lie this all tje time. #anyways sorry for fhe spam of aes posrs. im looking through mh likes.

[arcadequeerz]

Trying so hRd to not isolate myself from everyone.

#cade.vnt #sorry im sorry shitsc bad rn. #family are constantly screamkng at me and #brother keeps looming over me like hes going to beat my akull in #and everything keeps getting blaimed on me. #stuck sitting in the living room because tbis is where my bedroom #and im in the way and i have no privacy and i feel like im going insane. #and i wanna hide and top bothering everyone.

[arcadequeerz]

Don't know how to do readmore on mobile.

#cade.vnt #so im just goinf to leave this in my tags. #shit is getting hard. money is a lot more tight then i knew. #grocery store is so expensive now. #dont understand why its so hsrd for me n my family to just exist. #everything's just getting worse. and i am trying so hard #to keep going and to push past shit but god im tired anx i kind of just wish #i didnt have to deal with any of it. #i feel stuck and i cant do anything and i feel like iam drowning. #ive been trying so hard to get a therapist n a doctor and its just hard. #feels like none of these people actually give a shjt about me. #im told tobreach out for help and half the resources im given either: dont take my insurance or dont rven #exist anymore. #i think the universe hates me. nothing is getting better #and im tired. #anyways sorry for venting so mu h.