#i've got some issues to figure out

[happilyhadesbound]

enjoltaire is the most relatable ship to me because i am also attracted to communists and alcoholics

#i wish that was a joke #i've got some issues to figure out #shitpost #les mis #enjoltaire #les miserables

[zebratimw]

Spirit animal SQH

#svsss #shang qinghua #but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but #but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee #also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but #I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg #oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left #I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something #or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird #LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm #I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either #I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself #eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it... #I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up #I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa #man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong #cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk #its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment #with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig #and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down #but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀 #irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living... #just the ol regulars yknow? #and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want? #I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what? #whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate? #so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it? #that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications #and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly #man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk

[tj-crochets]

So I've discovered quilt jackets are a thing (thank you @anotherdayforchaosfay) and I am making a list of the ones I want to make so I can remember them later: - absolutely ridiculous scrap jacket - staggered rainbow and black jacket, like that baby quilt top I made recently, with the rainbow on the back of the jacket - shades of one color basic patchwork jacket, probably purple but possibly green - rainbow gradient jacket - plaid flannels! just all the plaid flannels. all of them - stained glass jacket? Idk about that one but maybe

#tj quilts some jackets #will be my tag for this (if I remember) #the absolutely ridiculous scrap jacket may or may not be scrap triangles #I don't necessarily want to KEEP all of these jackets #there's only so many coats one person needs #thankfully with my immediate family + their spouses we run an almost overlapping range of clothing sizes #where pretty much anything I try to make myself #if I don't quite get the sizing right it will fit at least one of them #oh this will be a good thing for the fabric my sister got me!! #she got me some fabric from the other side of the world while she was there #and I think I'll put it in my jacket I make myself #...once I've ironed out any issues in the pattern and gotten the sizing exactly how I want it and figured out my ideal coat pattern

[bookshelf-in-progress]

It's so nice to have this tiny little selection of WIPs to prioritize. Really helps me to keep my focus where it should be.

Wait, what's this?

IT'S A LONG-ABANDONED WIP WITH A STEEL CHAIR!!

#so two days ago i was looking back at some of my stories i like and thinking that they were all garbage #well then yesterday (actually at 3 am shh don't tell) i was looking at some things i liked less and found that they were surprisingly good #(my imagination kicked in during the interim and supplied some really nice mental movies that made the stories come alive) #and guys that arateph princess and the pea retelling has me going feral #both povs have fantastic conflicts #the fairy tale gets to tie in perfectly with the politics and philosophy issues in this world #and now i really really want to get to the core of this story and try to figure out how to finish it #because there's a ton of thematic and internal things happening #but how to realistically tie it in with the need for action is logistically difficult #i've got at least three threads here and the 'assassination attempt' thing is the most concrete possibility but also the hardest to fit in #i may just have to open a new doc and rubber-duck it to see if something comes together #incidentally the fact that this kind of thing regularly happens with my backlog of seasonally-specific ideas is why i rarely finish anythin #ah well what do you do? #adventures in writing

[osoreruna]

i am once again on your dash begging for your patience —

#𝗦𝗠𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗧 + [ OOC ] #i've been lurking as some of you may have noticed by your notifications getting flooded — #but i realized i never made that update post i said i was going to #so here goes: #work has been killer. as usual. expect me to be more active on the weekends ( sun - mon. ) #and we're still fighting for three day weekends. if that happens i'll be A LOT more active. #as my sun and mon tend to be pretty well occupied with chores and gaming with the boys. another day will give me a lot more time to be here #but anyway that's not the main point of this post — #for the past few years or so i've been dealing with a few health issues #and it's just been getting worse since i didn't have affordable health insurance last year. #( i'll never understand how i was paying $300 a month for health insurance and still had $100 co-pays...smh ) #i do have good insurance this year though !! #and i've been able to pick back up on the endeavor to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me #and in doing so we have deduced that i have a heart condition. an av blockage that worsens when i exercise / lay down / and with stress. #which is probably the cause of my extreme fatigue and general fogginess. and of course the cause of my chest pain and heart palpitations. #i've got another appt with the cardiologist to figure out the course of action from here #but there have been talks of everything from medication to a pacemaker — so we'll see what happens... #and of course if anything as serious as that happens i'll let y'all know in case i just disintegrate into the ether for a while. #but that's not until next month — so until then we here #we vibin' and survivin' — #replies and things just may be mushy for a bit. or...well...even more so than usual. because i won't lie things have been getting worse #and i think it's the stress from work — BUT ANYWAY #i have not forgotten about that inbox call i promise #this shit just sorta popped off and i lost track of time. #i will say this: i will EVENTUALLY get to them. #i may answer drafts & asks in the meantime so it's not completely dead around here ( and i also don't wanna keep y'all waiting on those ) #but i won't be posting anymore memes or inbox / starter calls until that one's taken care of. #inbox is still open — if you'd like to send something to me from the memes i already have on my blog though ! that's never gonna change. #or just random things. #okay — anyway for real:

[dan-crimes]

I love writers I love when they ramble on abt characters and their motivations, their core values and the reasons why they react to things in certain ways and having character interactions work off of each other due to their differing ways of viewing the world and in general I just love character analysis

#as someone who loves humans and human behaviours and figuring out why people react to things the ways that they do #uhhh I'm actually surprisingly really bad @ writing characters with those same traits 😅 #unless it is smth I can connect to on some sort of level like a few of my characters have issues that I specifically relate to #thereforee I can understand the ways they act in certain circumstances #BUT when it comes to characters that are like almost entirely outside of my wavelength it's pretty hard for me to understand how they work #and it's pretty basic habits and behaviours I just fuckin lack them in general #like the concept of clinginess or abandoment issues or wanting to stay around people who treat you badly or jealousy or missing people #also love like I understand my type of love but my type of love isn't typical from what I've seen from others #even some of my own past issues like dealing with trauma have kinda been lost on me especially bcuz I'm the type to ignore stuff #like I just ignored it til it came back to bite me in the ass and had to just kinda struggle with it and go completely numb #until I got tired of feeling that way and pulled myself outta it step by step and my various negative ways of thinking elude me #since I just gradually built myself up and rearranged my brain so that all negative thinking eventually turns into dust #whether be positive or purely neutral until I'm able to handle it better #REGARDLESS I try to get a sense of what these other traits are like and how exactly they work for people but it is VERY difficult for me #bcuz the stuff is just such an alien emotion to me like people get REALLY emotional about things that simply aren't a problem for me #and I wish I could understand why and what goes on in the brain that causes that but my brain just doesn't work that way #SOOO me trying to make characters of typical issues I see people having DOESN'T really work when I have no idea what's going on #like IN GENERAL my characters need to have more emotion behind them but the emotions I need them to have are #like I said before. something I totally lack ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ so I have no idea how to do it #I mean I think I need like a check list I need to make a list of traits my characters have in general cuz I never write anything down #it'd be easier to figure it out if I had words to go along with it and then I could figure out the behaviours behind those words #plus I need to draw my characters cuz I'm very much a visual person I can't get as good of a feel without some visuals along with it

[journey-to-the-attic]

quick q you totally don't have to answer but do you plan on designing sonno? lowkey the way you write him, he's kinda 😳

i do, actually! along with the more prominent rad teachers (kaz, magdalene and elderflower) - but sonno the way i visualise him mentally has a Vibe and specific Look to him that i haven't quite mastered drawing yet, so it'll be a while until i can finalise it!

also i'd be worried about your interest in him but looking back on how i write him it's absolutely my fault so. you have my blessing!!

#answering asks #anon asks #with kaz the main issue is i have no idea how to draw big muscles and he's meant to be a real beefy dude so #guess i'll be studying some jojo pt 1-3 characters until i figure it out #meanwhile i've got very distinct images in my head for magdalene and elderflower i just haven't gotten around to drawing them yet

[thelastspeecher]

eregyrn-falls replied to your post: "if you're wondering how I did this basically, I..."

i hope you’re doing better now!

oh, I am! I apologize, I came off a bit more ~injured~ in the post I made than I actually am lmao. it's not really a Problem, more of an Annoying Inconvenience. like, I'm frustrated it hurts to type and I have to take out my contacts in a difficult way, but I'm not even really bleeding anymore.

(btw I promise I'm not a big baby about being hurt. I think I'm just a bit on edge bc I'm nervous about getting some tests done tomorrow to try to figure out wtf is wrong with my gastrointestinal tract.)

#I actually took the entire day off work #bc the tests will basically take the whole day #and even if they didn't I don't really want to go to work after getting those tests done! #I won't be put under at all and it's v non-invasive #it's just...sensitive and loooooong #like seriously the tests are gonna be multiple hours #and I won't be able to just like. read or something during them. #not like the OTHER tests the GI ordered to try to figure out what's wrong with me #which won't be for a bit #but hey the good news is I finally got referred to a GI who wants to help me with the issues I've had my entire life #(anyways if anyone is willing to send me some good vibes tomorrow...I would appreciate it) #response #speechie sucks at health #eregyrn-falls

[solradguy]

Learned about photogrammetry apps today. That means I could make 3D models of anything in my room which could then be 3D printed.

#textpost #Staring at my GGX gachapon Sol figure #It's missing his ponytail but I was thinking of figuring out how to sculpt a replacement one for him #It won't be exact since finding photos of these things is hard #So I was maybe gonna try to repurpose the one off the 3D model of Strive Sol that I have then adding a peg to it to fit the figure #Getting the scale right will be the hardest part probably. The hole for the ponytail's peg is super tiny #The original ponytail piece for this figure probably broke or wouldn't stay on so it got lost #I've seen people complain about the GGX Dizzy figure having similar issues with her tail piece #AU where I finish scanlating all the Guilty Gear books and go insane and start archiving 3D scans of all the figures too #(that would be expensive as shit I'm not doing that unless someone throws $2500 at me) #(making a to-scale Outrage fully painted and assembled is still cheaper than just ONE of some of the official GG figures lol) #(XRD SOL STATUE...........grrrrrrrrrrrr)

[wernerherzogs]

hi kasia, do u have any advice on how to get yourself out of a slump? i want to do so many things, but i actually am just feeling so tired and i just spend all my time not doing much and feeling sad. what usually helps you?

oh honey 😔

#wish i could help you but i still fight the Big Depresh every day so. ya know #i do feel better whenever i've forced myself to spend some time with people i like #or after i've got to see my dogs and/or been able to spend some time in nature #or had a short walk to clear my head #but in general i do not have any solid advice. waiting for a psych appointment myself maybe pills will help #but yeah i've been battling serious health issues since end of february/beginning of march which has been worsening my mental health #significantly #and i'm afraid i don't know how to help you 😔 #i'm not sure if there's any universal fixing that can work for everyone #if being kind to yourself doesn't work or friends/loved ones don't work #it might be time for therapy or pills #sending you love and strength and i hope you figure out what can work for you #good luck friend 💖💖💖💖💖 #anonymous #a response #i might delete this in a moment sorry. hope you see it before then

[gentlethorns]

30K WORDS. slay slay slay. i think i will always forever and ever remember this time in my life as the first time that i really truly forged a coherent and "adult" story, as i sat in my little apartment and lived an adult life for the first time (no longer in school, paying rent). it may not be marketable or even objectively good, even after i do edits and further drafts and so on so forth, but i think it will always be an important era of my life just on the simple fact that i did the hard work involved in laying a good foundation and pulled together the discipline to follow through on it for the first time since high school (and high school doesn't even really count bc it was nowhere near as intensive or solid and also bc i had no real responsibilities so it was easy). so inchresting to discern that a certain period in your life will be significant even as you're living it

#she bork #like !!!!! 30k in like two weeks!!!! very insane and very gratifying. i'm already picking up on some issues i'll have to confront in the #next draft but i'm refusing to consider them rn and forcing myself to soldier on until the end. i'm just super proud of myself for the #consistency and discipline i've been displaying like i went to san antonio last weekend to spend the weekend w friends and i STILL got my #2k+ words in every day. friday i had work at the ass crack of the morning and then after work got my registration renewed and then after #that had a tat appointment and then after THAT drove straight to sa and when i got there i opened my laptop and got those words down. i'm #refusing to compromise on my word count every day and that is so huge for me. i've known for quite a while i needed to develop artistic #discipline bc i'd never make it without it and now that i've figured out how to plot i feel like i found the key to it. overall just a #really nice development and it's very exciting bc it like exponentially increases my chances of actually writing and selling a novel someday #(like maybe even soonish like within the next couple of years if this one works out the way i'm hoping) #novel 2024

[unholyeverything]

I just realised tomorrow marks the 7ths week of me being sick and feeling like garbage lol It's some ups and downs but generally it's been a while since I've been healthy and none knows whats up which is nice.

#been to the doctor so many times #and at least my general doc is trying but she cant figure out what's wrong #and the throat specialist I've been to twice in one month got a very helpful “sounds like stress and you imagine all” for me #like thanks i keep having my ear throat and nose inflamed constantly and nothing i tried so far helped but surely its stress #my doc suspected a virus but we also didnt find any active anti bodies #so i was just told to rest and was off work for two weeks that also did nothing #so i worked again even tho my doc was like maybe not but i got psychological issues being home with nothing to do #gotta go to my dentist tomorrow to see if the source is there #but im sure its my ears but I'll never go back to that doc #i was there twice a month cuz it kept getting worse and got a stress stamp #stress i didnt even have lately cuz i got a healthy fuck you all work motivation now #and now I'll lose all chance for promotion cuz i cant do my usual 200% and my bosses translate that with: she broken now bye #going great #also don't really have motivation to draw anymore #I started to build model sets but idk if anyone would wanna see those #I also got a cyst on my ovaries and got an appointment in july #that gives me serious pms like i never had it before but ok #someone knows a doc that'll remove the whole uterus i don't need that shit anymore #anyways in case anyone's been wondering where i am lately or if anyone even read this my asks are open if anyone wants to ask smth #or ask my OCs they live rent free in my head and are very precious to me #even my new car is named Michael #he's cute and my record so far been 190km/h #one day I'll do the 225 he can do #just get off the road that day pls #that car was the onyl thing i worked for so idk what to do with my life now #save for car repairs maybe #anyone wants a pic of my child #he's orange #I'm very proud of myself i managed to save up for him quiet fast #these tags are wild but I'm feeling a bit more energetic thanks to some plant supplements my uncle gave me

[loregoddess]

why does art have to be so art

#I really wanna draw Octopath fanart but something about the official art's style short-circuits my brain #like I sit down and start sketching and cannot figure out how to translate the style to my style #it's simultaneously more sketchy and more polished than my art style #so using it as a ref is Very Hard for me for whatever reason #this goes back to the first game where I wanted to draw all sorts of cool art and managed one (1) Ophilia #I keep telling myself if I get all the characters sketched in my style then I can just ref my own sketches instead of the official art #but hmm even something about how all the designs are is just. Tricky to get right #I dunno if it's just that I've spent years drawing FE fanart (and at one point did a fair amount of AA/DGS art) #that my brain wants to default to having that style be my base of reference but 'tis an interesting conundrum #I've drawn some TriStrat fanart too and had the same issue--the designs are just complex in a different way than FE complex to be difficult #actually I just went and checked and yeah I've drawn almost nothing but FE fanart for the past couple of years #I mean I've drawn plenty of original stuff too but that's significantly easier for me bc it's 100% me from start to finish; no translating #maybe I should make an effort to make fanart for other games....expand my range of base references #expand the art styles I am spending a fair amount of time looking at Very Closely #I was able to sketch some busts of some of the Octo2 characters and got Partitio to look how I wanted him to look #so that's a start at least #hopefully I can keep at it #oracle of lore

[sir-snow]

I don't believe in therapy.

Let's just read Neitzsche and do kinky stuff together.

That'll be healthy, right?

#my thoughts on therapy are much more complex than that #I just know that 90% of people in every occupation just plain shouldn't be there #And I really don't feel like window shopping through a bunch of peusdo intellectuals #When all I'm trying to do is better comprehend my reality and my role in it #And the major-majority of therapists #That I've had personal or professional interactions with #Either just plain don't care #Are giving you that look like #“Oh god is this going to be the person that beats me to death with my own clip-board” #Or are just waiting for you to say something incriminating so they can involve the police #There was one older lady in particular I talked too #Not even realizing she was a therapist until she started asking me a bunch of personal questions #And the subject of careers got brought up #And this gal was genuinely shell-shocked when I gave minor details about one of my verbally abusive father figures #It was as if she'd only heard about cases like that in books or on TV #And my reaction to her newfound curiosity was sort of blasé #Like yeah #Have you literally never interacted with a lower to middle class drunk or any of their kids before? #Granted I only said 90% earlier #Because there's one dude in particular I wouldn't mind buying a beer for #Now that I think about it #There's also a nurse I wish I could apologize too #Even if she was being holier than thou with her Bible pushing #But some people don't seem to realise that bastards are naturally predispositioned to being atheists #I just can't seem to fathom why a boy who grew up without his biological father #Doesn't like to hear about a guy who's father created him just so he can die for the sins of others #And that it would make much more sense for her to put her efforts into preventing some other kid's life from being more fucked up #Than it already is #Rather than trying to unravel the issues of a young man whom they just met with a pre-printed out sheet of paper #Wow I really didn't intend to write this much

[applejarjar]

realizing I missed my window to have a very important and soul bearing conversation with my boss

#now that she's moved to a shared office and I'm stationed in a shared office my opportunities to have serious conversations are limited #I knew I should've had this talk sooner when she still had her own office and we could have a face to face discussion #I've just been avoiding it because I really hoped these issues could be resolved if I addressed them in a softer manner #but my attempts are just not getting results so I'm at my last ditch effort to express my concerns and get some help #I didn't go through all that goddamn management training just to forego the concepts and never apply the teachings #I'm tired of tiptoeing around the subject because I'm worried my boss won't hear me out or understand #it's just not my style to do this workplace politeness bs #she's said multiple times that we can be honest with her and it won't hurt her feelings #and I'm going to do just that #because god I'm getting burnt out and frustrated #I feel like there's some sort of fundamental misunderstanding I'm having which is not being resolved as things are now #I can't keep asking the same questions different ways and hoping for a different result each time #I just need to directly address what I think the problem is and hope I can get some actual help or feedback #I think my boss will be willing to listen I just don't know what I'll do if this still gets me nowhere #gonna have to figure out when I'd even be able to hold this kind of conversation #I'd like to do it today if possible while I'm really pondering everything and feel like I've got my thoughts in order #but this damn shared office makes that so difficult cause I ain't sayin all this to the world #at least not the whole work world #I'm sure they see I'm struggling but it's still something that is like to keep sort of to myself #especially because I'm acutely aware that my ramblings are very close to that of a madman #but it's just how I think and feel about these matters #sigh #work is hard

[addelaidesupreme]

I'm watching a video essay about a game ive been interested in playing. The creator of the video, who has crossdressed multiple times, makes a "women arent funny" joke, and i suddenly realize ive never witnessed him acknowledge a woman in an uplifting way before.

I'm on a dating app for lgbt+ people. I've stated multiple times on my profile that i would rather lose an arm than recieve nudes without consent. I will be sent five dick pics for every 2 people i talk to that night.

I'm talking with my dad, who informs me he's been trying his best to learn about trans issues. He says the same things steven crowder brings up when trying to ridicule trans people. I gently but firmly correct my father and get told that ive been fed propaganda.

I'm on instagram, under the comments of a post ridiculing someone for being a misogynyst. Someone's left a comment saying "it must be hard being a woman on the internet" and i respond "it is." I will have every aspect of my appearance scrutinized as a reminder that no matter how well i pass, it will never be enough for someone with bad intentions.

I'm back on that dating app for lgbt+ people. I'm messaged by an attractive looking person, but i can see their partner prominently displayed in all but their main photo, oftentimes striking what im sure they thought was a very intimidating pose. Their bio says "looking for a third for our anniversary." I know that even if I did feel up to it, the gruff partner wouldnt approve of me because i don't pass.

I'm at a job interview for a clothing store. I tell the gracefully-dressed woman interviewing me that ever since i began my transition, i've discovered an interest in fashion, and that this job would allow me to dip my toes into the industry in a safe way. I'm told that i've reduced womanhood to a stereotype, and i can tell by her tone that i lost any chance at the job the minute she realized i was trans.

I'm at the same hospital i got facial feminization surgery in, trying to figure out what's wrong with my bowels. When the person behind the desk gives me a wristband with my patient info on it, i notice a single, lonely, letter M. I ask a nurse in private why it would say that despite me having changed it nearly a year prior. They say they have no clue, and bring in paperwork for me to fill out and have it re-changed again.

I'm living with my mom at the time. I'm new to transitioning, and decide to try my hand at voice training. It feels a bit off, but otherwise im feeling neutral toward the whole thing. I try speaking in this new voice to my mom and she laughs. Now, when people ask if i intend to voice train, i find speaking at all difficult for minutes after.

I didnt have some sort of grand message to convey by this. I just had a thought and then that thought spiralled into whatever the hell this became. Some, okay most, might call it complaining; they are right to do so.

#trans woman #trans pride #trans #lgbt #lgbtq #addies high thoughts #transgender #pre op mtf #post op mtf #mtf trans #mtf girl #mtf hrt #trans hrt #hrt #trans rights #transmysogyny