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auspicioustidings · 3 days

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Ae Fond Kiss - Part 4

A Prayer in the Prospect of Death

Summary: The years pass and you find out how Simon feels about you before a familiar face arrives. Words: 2.8k

Parts: 1 2 3 4

“Tell me luv.”

Simon had his fingers tucked under your chin to tilt your head up so you could no longer easily hide. Urgh he was so bloody perceptive.

“It’s silly.”

“You’re always silly, now tell me.”

You fought the urge to blow a raspberry at him. He was truly the most stubbornly protective human you had ever met and he never just let things go if you said it was fine. He always knew when something was bothering you despite your attempts to hide it.

“What am I supposed to do when Joey starts nursery?”

You sighed and dropped any attempt to hide how miserable the thought made you. When you and Johnny had gotten married you had decided that you’d be a stay at home mum. You didn’t have a career you were attached to and Johnny made enough to support the household. Honestly you had come to enjoy it in the last year. You decorated your home for every holiday, experimented in the kitchen until you were actually a very good home cook and baker, always felt safe and content with how well you knew your own space and how cosy and clean you kept it.

It was never how you imagined yourself if you were honest, a homemaker. The idea of you actually sort of enjoying cleaning would have made you feel somewhat ill 5 years ago. But now you were in your own home with a toddler you loved to death and, though you often were reluctant to admit it out loud, a man you loved to death. You had been front and centre for all of Joey’s firsts and you wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Simon missed his first steps. Johnny had been fine doing video calls while he was on base during off hours, but you didn’t even have the number of Simon’s work phone. It used to frustrate you that it felt like he didn’t even exist the moment he left for work, but he had spoken about his family on your first Christmas together and it made you understand. He would never carry anything on him as the Ghost that could link back to you, even in the relative safety of the base during downtime.

Now Joey would be out of the house for most of the day. You could have waited, not sent him to nursery and just kept him home until school, but you knew it would be for your sake rather than his. He loved being around other kids and some of the friends he had made from you taking him to every toddler group in the area in an attempt to be a good mother would be starting nursery as well.

Could you just do nothing all day? Between Johnny’s insurance and death in service benefits and Simon insisting on funnelling money in, you could certainly afford it now, but it felt so wrong when Johnny was dead and Simon was doing the exact job that had killed him.

“What do you mean? You do the same as you do right now if you’re still happy doing it but without him.”

“Lounge around and do nothing while you are out risking your life you mean.”

Simon considered, always careful to think the situation through rather than reply impulsively. He was annoyed with himself for not seeing sooner that you were undervaluing yourself, only considering taking care of Joey which was a full time job in itself as contributing. While it had been a source of bitter guilt in the beginning, he had started to forget how much younger you were than him. He really should have seen it, no woman in her early 20s saw her full worth.

“Princess, you decorated this whole house while I was deployed and you’re the one that fixes things or organises for them to be fixed when they break. You cook almost all our meals from scratch and then make extra to donate to the community kitchen. The garden is immaculate because you follow the planting plan you made yourself and are out there doing maintenance every day. You do not now nor have you ever lounged about doing nothing, even if I would like it if you did.”

He already felt bad enough about it. When he was home he threw himself in, tried to take as much off of you as possible even when he was nowhere near as fast or good at things. If anything he was contributing nowhere near enough money to cover all the full time jobs you were gracefully juggling (only because it had already been a fight to accept any money at all, he gave you what you accepted and then put almost the rest of his pay into an account for Joey).

“Shut up!” you whined, battering fists against his chest as your face flamed.

You had lived together now for just around 3 years. You had been intimately involved for 2. It still absolutely floored you when he was nice to you and made butterflies erupt in your stomach. It was so ridiculous to feel like some wide eyed teen with a crush when it came to this idiot. Unfortunately his favourite hobby was fucking with you when you were taken off guard like this.

“Aww baby girl, you know how much I appreciate everything you do for me and Joe don’t you? We’d fall apart without you beautiful” he said in a smooth rumble, peppering kisses across your cheeks and down your neck.

It wasn’t fair that he could just tease you with a version of him that adored you. A version that you enjoyed even if you didn’t really think it was real. Sure there had been a maybe ‘I love you’ years ago after all that sexual tension broke and he seemed to be happy enough, but you could only imagine that if he ever knew how you felt about him he would run. The last 3 years you had fought at every turn to protect your heart, but you had stopped denying at least to yourself that it was pathetically his now.

“Don’t do that.”

“You don’t want praise and kisses?”

He raised an eyebrow and tried to hide a small smile. You loved praised and kisses, he knew that because in the bedroom he could use that to turn you into a pile of obedient princess who did whatever he said if it would earn you his adulation. But it was just sex wasn’t it?

“I don’t want you to pretend.”

He was confused by that and you wanted to sink into the floor to avoid this conversation. You had been avoiding it for a while now.

“I… fuck. Simon, I don’t- it’s not just sex to me” you choked out, not sure how to put it into words without straight out admitting that you were hopelessly in love with him and wanted him in you and J’s lives permanently.

“Christ, you pretty little idiot” he growled, grabbing your face roughly in his hands. “I love you. I am in love with you. I’m not Johnny, I don’t do big romantic gestures. I’m not the kind of man to tell you all the time how I feel. I’m the kind of man who is a selfish bastard because I don’t give a fuck if you deserve someone who does. You are mine. You have been for years. Do you understand me?”

You could only blink wide-eyed as your brain tried to catch up with the whole world restarting itself after the shock.

“Do you understand me?” he snapped.

“Yes sir.”

“Good girl… wanna get married?”

You stuttered out an outraged shout, feeling the tears that had been building drying up at the audacity of this man.

“Johnny took me to the cabin. He made me a replica of the first dinner we had together and set the table outside during the sunset. He organised for fireworks!”

“Told you I don’t do romantic gestures.”

“Fine!”

“Fine?”

“Fine, let’s get married Casper. You’re the fucking worst.”

“Don’t I know it princess. I’m not wearing a tie.”

“Then I’m not wearing a dress.”

“Yes you bloody well are!”

“Wanna bet?!”

He did not wear a tie, but Joey did. Your dress was beautiful. Gaz officiated your wedding for the second time. Price said there was an emergency so he couldn’t make it - you weren’t really sure you believed him.

As you cleared up after the whirlwind that was breakfast in a house with a 9 year old late for school, you sighed and stuck on a heat patch. You were starting to wonder if being off birth control was maybe a little pointless because in the past 18 months it had only reminded you how much you hated periods after years of them being gone as a useful side effect.

It had been something you were speaking about since you got married. You had always wanted more kids. Simon had never even expected he’d have one. You were terrified of a repeat of your first pregnancy, he was terrified that his genes were poisonous. You had enough money with his hefty pay and your small business (you had started it up soon after Joey had started nursery and you got a lot of orders for events, birthdays and weddings for sets of biscuits. You imagined wherever Johnny was he was howling with laughter that you had turned into a home baker after all the kitchen disasters he had seen).

In the end it had been Joseph who made the decision. One shrugged mention of how he thought it’d be nice to have a little sibling and that was that. There was not one thing in the whole wide world you and Simon would not give him if it was in your power. Although you were starting to think it wasn’t in your power at all.

It wasn’t like you didn’t have an active sex life and in honesty it had only gotten more active from the breeding kink Simon had uncovered as soon as it was a possibility. But it just hadn’t happened.

You wondered if it was better that it hadn’t, at least until Joey was 10. That was when you had agreed you would tell him everything. On advice of a psychologist you had told him that Simon wasn’t his biological father very early on, as early as he could understand the concept, although stressed he was still his dad. The only thing you mentioned about his biological father was that he had died even though that was very much against the psychologists advice, she had said to tell him everything about Johnny.

But in 4 months he would turn 10 and he knew that you would answer his questions then. It was shitty of the two of you really, to hide Johnny until now. Joey’s grandmother still saw him, but she never talked about her son or who he was. It was cowardice. Simon had been speaking with a therapist for years about how to let go of the idea that Johnny died because he couldn’t save him. You felt ill at the idea of your son knowing you had married his dead father’s best friend. Both of you were so scared of Johnny’s ghost that you kept him from his son for nearly a decade.

Well sort of. Joey knew who Johnny was, just not that he was his father. There were photos of him in the house. Whenever Gaz, Price and their partner (that had been a whole drama, but you were happy the three of them finally worked it out) were around, sometimes they would reminisce about him. Well Gaz and Simon did, Price would just look pained and excuse himself to get a drink.

You could only hope that Joey wouldn’t hate you, but then he was such a great kid. A little wild, but incredibly kind and empathetic beyond his years. He had Johnny’s eyes. You thought that he’d understand when you explained it all. Maybe he’d yell at you for thinking he would blame you for falling in love with his dad, but he’d understand.

You focused on cleaning up and getting the kitchen back clean and cosy how you liked it, deciding not to borrow worries from the future.

–

Price had told him to settle his arse down in the base and let him travel down and talk to him before he went anywhere. Johnny ignored him. He had just saved the fucking world, there was not one thing that was going to keep him from his wife and child one second longer.

He had debriefed already, been medically cleared to leave. He knew the paperwork was going to be horrendous given that he was legally dead, but frankly he’d leave it for the intelligence agencies to deal with given how much of a big bloody favour he had just done them. He got your address off of them given that Price hadn’t given it to him, just telling him to wait until he got there. Fuck that.

It didn’t take too long to get himself there. It was oddly comforting hearing all the English accents after a decade of hearing almost entirely Russian even if he’d be moving your pretty arse back North of the border as soon as he could. Not a chance was his family living in Carlisle. He wondered why you would move that far from the Highlands where his family was. You had always been no contact with your own family, maybe you had reconciled with them and moved to be closer?

He would find out. Whatever it was he’d support you. God he loved you, he had missed you so fucking much. He had imagined the reunion for years, thought of your smile and your laugh when he needed to remind himself what he was fighting for, thought of your soft skin and tight pussy when he needed to relieve some tension with his right hand. Whenever he sent up a prayer in the prospect of death, it was for you that he prayed he would survive.

He thought of how he’d hold you for days when he got back. He knew you would have raised a wonderful son and he could not wait to meet the person he had become. He’d hold him as well, spend days cuddled up and watching movies with his family.

And then he’d take you to the cabin and lose himself in your body. Fuck it was strange to think he’d have to consider it wasn’t just you two anymore. He didn’t want to lose any time with his son, but he needed alone time with you as well. He’d work it out.

The house was nice, sort of quaint with the pretty flowers both real and painted on the door. It hurt knowing if he hadn’t been away you’d have something bigger. You would have had to for a growing family.

He wished he had stopped and gotten a change of clothes and a haircut. He was in military issued sweats and a hoodie and his hair had grown out to curl around his ears. He really should have shaved as well, a task he hadn’t had time for in the chaos of the last few months. But fuck it, he was here and he couldn’t wait.

It was almost like an out of body experience knocking on the door, knowing he was seconds away from you. He should have realised that there was another person around who could answer the door, but he hadn’t been thinking. The Joseph he knew was a tiny baby, not a bright eyed kid with a toothy grin in a football strip (a bloody Man U strip at that, Johnny just knew his uncle Simon would have had a hand in that and it made him grin knowing his best friend was still in his son’s life).

“Ye got big!” he belted, excited beyond proper introductions at seeing his son.

The kid furrowed his brows for a moment before he brightened with recognition. Johnny assumed now was about the time for crying and yelling and hugging. He was unprepared for the alternative.

“I know you! You’re dad’s Sergeant! I thought you died.”

His heart lurched, putting the dots together well before his brain could.

“Joe hurry it up! We’ll miss kick-off!”

Johnny knew that voice. It was not yours.

“I’m ready!”

“You better be! Right, who’s at the door then?”

The voice got closer and even though he wanted to run Johnny was rooted to the spot. It felt like the next 10 seconds as the footsteps and voice came closer was hours. The door swung wider open as a hand pulled on it from behind and then he was looking into the eyes of Simon Riley. The silence was deafening until Johnny broke it.

“What the fuck did you do Si!”

#mhairiwrites #cod #soap x reader #ghost x reader

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yardsards · 3 months

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living alone is all fun and games til you have a medical emergency and there's no one there to help you to the hospital

#eliot posts #im fine now it's just last week's Incident fucked me up a lil #a couple online friends offered to call me an uber #and i maybe could have woken my neighbors up (though i would have felt awful abt that)#but while i was figuring out how to get to the hospital and if i'd be able to like #verbally communicate to whoever was driving where to take me #and explain to the doctors what was wrong with me #and fill out the entrance paperwork #and find my wallet/insurance card and my housekeys before i left #...i had gone unconscious before i could make the decision to find someone to take me #luckily i was mostly fine after i woke up #i knew it wasn't an ''i'm gonna die if i don't go to the hospital'' type medical emergency so i didn't call an ambulance #bc i was not abt to bankrupt myself unless i was Literally Dying #but yeah. eugh. 0/10 do not recommend.#at the VERY LEAST i'm gonna need to have good friends that live very close in the future #i don't want this kind of thing happening to me again #i am gonna be roommates with a very good friend in a few months after i move to the city #and then i'm probably gonna be roommates with a different very good friend in a couple years when i leave the state #both mostly out of financial necessity for us all #but also i thiiink i want to go back to living alone eventually?#unless living with friends goes so great that it changes my mind #it's just like. for the most part i've loved living alone #not just in a ''yay i'm no longer living with my abusers!'' way but like. in general.#i can do whatever the fuck i want in my apartment without having to talk to anyone #chores get done when i want. food gets cooked and eaten when i want. i can take a 2 hour bath no problem. i don't have to close doors.#i can walk around late at night without having to worry about waking anyone up.#when my social battery is drained i know that no one will try to talk to me. when im overstimulated i don't have to tell anyone to be quiet #it's like. the thing with me is every social interaction has a timer where i start thinking #''GOD i cannot fucking wait to go be alone in my nice empty apartment again''#that timer is much longer for some people and situations than others but it is always There even when i'm having a great time

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osoreruna · 3 months

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i am once again on your dash begging for your patience —

#𝗦𝗠𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗧 + [ OOC ]#i've been lurking as some of you may have noticed by your notifications getting flooded —#but i realized i never made that update post i said i was going to #so here goes:#work has been killer. as usual. expect me to be more active on the weekends ( sun - mon. )#and we're still fighting for three day weekends. if that happens i'll be A LOT more active.#as my sun and mon tend to be pretty well occupied with chores and gaming with the boys. another day will give me a lot more time to be here #but anyway that's not the main point of this post —#for the past few years or so i've been dealing with a few health issues #and it's just been getting worse since i didn't have affordable health insurance last year.#( i'll never understand how i was paying $300 a month for health insurance and still had $100 co-pays...smh )#i do have good insurance this year though !!#and i've been able to pick back up on the endeavor to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me #and in doing so we have deduced that i have a heart condition. an av blockage that worsens when i exercise / lay down / and with stress.#which is probably the cause of my extreme fatigue and general fogginess. and of course the cause of my chest pain and heart palpitations.#i've got another appt with the cardiologist to figure out the course of action from here #but there have been talks of everything from medication to a pacemaker — so we'll see what happens...#and of course if anything as serious as that happens i'll let y'all know in case i just disintegrate into the ether for a while.#but that's not until next month — so until then we here #we vibin' and survivin' —#replies and things just may be mushy for a bit. or...well...even more so than usual. because i won't lie things have been getting worse #and i think it's the stress from work — BUT ANYWAY #i have not forgotten about that inbox call i promise #this shit just sorta popped off and i lost track of time.#i will say this: i will EVENTUALLY get to them.#i may answer drafts & asks in the meantime so it's not completely dead around here ( and i also don't wanna keep y'all waiting on those )#but i won't be posting anymore memes or inbox / starter calls until that one's taken care of.#inbox is still open — if you'd like to send something to me from the memes i already have on my blog though ! that's never gonna change.#or just random things.#okay — anyway for real:

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kohakhearts · 5 months

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cons of going to a “good schoolTM”: insane workload, unbearable classmates, next to no support when you have any kind of extenuating circumstances Including literal hospitalization, etc

pros of going to a “good schoolTM”: the 9-5 lifestyle is genuinely a major improvement

#taylor.txt #the extenuating circumstances point was not me btw. i know someone who had his degree delayed an entire year because of two weeks in psych #we’re in a co-op program or else maybe it wouldve just been one semester but. lol #i hate it here…i hate it #but hey…at least i have the world’s shittiest health insurance!#some of my classmates say they dont feel like working full-time is easier than going to school full-time but it so is #for me. anyway. even when i fumbled my time management bad on the field and make no mistake i was incredibly busy plus i chose a field #notorious for Unpaid Overtime and Taking Your Work Home. even then. it was still easier than this #i would never do undergrad again. i loved everything i learned. i took interesting and awesome classes #but i would never ever do it again. miserable overworked spent most of it friendless until i got on the field #i have a friend who keeps being like idk how you did 4 physics classes this sem and im like girl we are education students…thats an average #semester for a physics major. how must THEY feel #also i have to say just you know. generally. ive worked full-time while living with my parents #AND while living alone. and 50 hours a week was incredibly manageable in the former arrangement. i even wrote and edited an entire novel #in the beginning stages of a pandemic while working 50 hours a week of retail and fast food hell. 40 hours full-time with weekends off #while living alone though? thats hard. i still managed to go to the gym almost every day #currently? i cant get out of bed in the morning. i am putting in 12 hour days and then goinng to bed unable to sleep because im so stressed #i have dreams about school. tangentially theres a really good marxist poem i read last year about this phenomenon in workers #ANYWAY. i have just 8 more days 4 exams 1 research paper and video project #i think i can pass and then thats it. my next semester is hell but just because scheduling the actual classes will be easy #and then i get to go back on the field and actually want to wake up every day. lol #and 8 days from now i will have my christmas shopping done and my apartment will be clean and i will be a fanfic writing machine #also my friends and i booked a demolition room so im sure that will be beneficial kfldjfldndks

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altruistic-meme · 1 year

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yay we love adding an additional 15 stressors to an already stressed tf out person like yayyy whoopee that sure is fun :)

#im having a time ok #i already havd been super stressed about fucking everything #and now my parents are having me get my own insurance and phone plan and switiching the title of my car to my name #but theyre putting a lean on it which means if my car becomes unrepairable i will not be able to sell it or trade it in #to help cover the cost of buying a new car #especially bc my parents will be literally across the country 🙃#and that on top of trying to decide if I'll be resigning my lease or moving #and i COULD move in with my sister and her gf but like #i mean that's also like a generally Good plan bc it'll cut my rent down by more than half what i pay now #but also from what my sister told me of the contract her gf is writing for it (in case i DO move in with them)#its like. heres a bunch of conditional stuff about your cats (including potentially not allowing them at all)#and conditional stuff about your health (????) as though I'm not fucking trying to work on that #as though I've not BEEN trying to work on it since i was fucking 12 years old #like is that. is that actually fucking NECESSARY? to include in this? like us in AWARE I've got health issues #I'm AWARE i have severe depression and anxiety #I'm TRYING to work on it but i ALSO just lost my healthcare and am trying to figure out the one my work provides #which also wont cover a whole lot and is not exactly like I'm dwimming in cash over here #anyway #ugh #shh ac #seriously shut up

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materialisnt · 1 year

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disability support programs run by hearing + nondisabled people. cringe. i hope every hearing person who tries to explain deafness to a deaf person a very go fuck yourself. i hope every person without a disability who gatekeeps services for that disability a very choke + die.

anyway if someone says they need something we should be assuming good faith until proven otherwise and providing that resource.

#im at a point where i dont even want an updated audiogram bc even though i know personally we have lost pure tone hearing i dont want #to give them that satisfaction #we have provided copious documentation of our level of disability but bc the specialists who can evaluate further dont take our insurance #we r stuck. and even if we had that documentation from a Real Specialty Audiologist it may not be an audiogram so it may not be enough #im not sure anything would b good enough for them outside of an audiogram showing severe/profound hearing loss #i cant think abt this more without getting incredibly angry so im gonna stop #literally getting As in every single class and doing better than we ever have in school and ofc the dsps office wants to take it away #the other colleges weve attended this past year have been fine! all provided everything we needed n are working w us #its just this specific school #death m #choking m

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fooltofancy · 1 year

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i'm going to talk to myself morosely in the tags for a bit to see if i can unknot the brain parts, disregard.

#i am. so tired of money dude.#i have insane student debt but i don't have insane OTHER debt and it's still so overwhelming #when i say not insane i mean like <5k #it's still way more than i should because that two fucking months without health insurance really fucked me up #but i can get on top of it with how much im paying for rent and meds and utilities and car payments and car insurance #and having to eat #like im in a much much better place mental health wise than i was but i think maybe ive made a mistake #the ability to cancel my student loans is huge. it's huge and i'm essentially guaranteed that from multiple directions in about three years #but the interim? i knew it was gonna be tight and it's gonna be less tight at some point but the last three months have just been barely #hitting each paycheck not in the hole and having to make car payments late and having to rely on credit for unavoidable overdrafts and #idk what to do lmao #and if the smoke thing w the apartment stays this bad it's gonna continue to negatively impact my health and i literally cant afford to mov #even to somewhere cheaper #i cant afford the initial payments to do that even though it'll be better in the long run #im so stressed and it's negatively impacting my relationships and i cant put my brain into working through my stupid fucking issues because #all in doing is surviving #and it makes me so sad because there's already enough in the world without my adding to it #im just tired dude and it's gonna be another week and a half of just. clenching my jaw and not sleeping #idk what to do dude moving back here WASN'T a mistake but im sure hovering on the line of really really feeling like it was #.... good motivation to do my fucking taxes i guess. like. TOMORROW.#not sure that helped but at least it's not just a weird mass in my chest anymore #and my hand is still fucked up and im never gonna be able to pay to fix it at this rate lmao #at least one of them sort of works.

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raeofgayshine · 2 years

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Headaches are objectively awful for a lot of reasons, but the worst one is that the best way to cure them (or at least the bad ones I get) is to lay in a dark room for hours on end with literally nothing (maybe quiet white noise, as a treat) but of course my brain would rather die than do nothing and be quiet so I wind up just having to suffer and do things that make my headache actively worse until I either feel like crying from the pain or like throwing up in which case I then I have to stop and take a break and maybe sleep until it gets a little better, rinse and repeat until the headache goes away or I finally fall asleep for the whole night.

#ravenpuff rambles #by headaches I mean I’m pretty sure it’s a migraine and I have chronic migraines but #you know my brain hates claiming words without confirmation because what if people get angry #anyways having a headache is probably the worst thing for my adhd ass and there is a reason I just push through them so often #a lot of times they’re just headaches that if I don’t move my head or have too much light around I can minorly do things so I learn to deal #the shitty part is the fatigue without the ability to sleep that just kills my thought process #because I could write without looking at the screen but no forming words that require thought like that is hard #can’t even daydream when my head hurts enough because the pain is distracting #anyways guess who has a headache today I’ve just kind of been pushing through #i wish I could just take the time to relax but my brain says no #but you know I’m fine and there’s nothing going on with that Nope #anyways wish I could see a doctor to talk about my headaches among other things but #good fucking luck finding one that has a spot not four months from now that take insurance and also won’t be gone in a years time #i do not live in the best place for medical care that’s for certain #I’m lucky I got a dermatologist and it took me about four months to get an appointment with him #and that was with a recommendation from my doctor who has since left #at least I got those problems under control though one thing about me is semi stable and that’s my skin #i mean it’s a nightmare but at least I have treatments and names for what’s wrong

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yarnings · 2 years

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Wish me luck. I’m going to drive a car for the second time in about 8(?) years. A friend needs a ride home from the pain clinic. (She’s driving us there - the entrance to the highway at this end is a PITA, and she’s good to drive, so it makes more sense to do it that way.)

The first time was a practice yesterday, to make sure I remembered how to operate a car.

#I didn't do that badly at driving #Needed to remember the existance of mirrors #and to not stick my arm out the window before I turned left #My sense of what speed I'm going at is all off of course #but I picked it back up quickly #highway traffic #will be a different challenge though #should be a good time of day #but we'll see #can't wait to see if I remember that the car has a hand brake #or if I fumble for a parking brake pedal when I get in again #I'm not entirely sure how long it's been since I drove #I know I drove a bit over 8 years ago #And I know that a bit less than 6 years ago #we needed both me and my husband to go pick up the rental #because he was the driver #but we were using my credit card #the savings for not having me drive #since he has insurance #are lower than they used to be #as a percentage #but $20/day is $20/day

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dredshirtroberts · 2 days

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i did the biggest and scariest of the things on my list (the last thign on my list in fact) and it took like. MAYBE 5 minutes total including login time navigation and page loading.

now i get to have fancy Oreo Poptarts because i'm a big strong boy whose knee is slightly dislocated (it's fine i just went too hard and i'll wrap it up here in a minute) and did a big scary thing and also now gets to fully devote brain power to anxiety about the (potential) hole between two of my heart chambers and the accompanying doctor's appointment tomorrow morning.

#the lack of anxiety about this has been so bad i don't even have my alarms set and for every other dr appointment previously #i had those bitches up a week ahead of time as soon as they reminded me about my upcoming appointment #anyway it's fine it's all fine i'm going to be fine i'll figure it all out please just don't let me lose my health insurance because i move #i shouldn't but. i fear.#and boy howdy i'm good at one particular thing and that thing is being afeared about things #oh sure my knees are fine for years while i have 3 available knee braces #i pare down to one really solid one with intentions to grab a second at some point in the distant future #and i'm feeling froggy right i'm feeling good everything is a-okie dokie so i lend my remaining knee brace out to my partner for moving shi #(cross country long haul style and they're gonna need it because heavy lifting)#forgetting of course that i'm heading into the part of the month where my joint stability (already tenuous) is reduced even further #thanks estrogen! hhhhhhhh #and i keep doing Up And Downs with squats and kneeling #thankfully it's the knee i call my bad knee even if it's both of them relatively equally nowadays #so i'm used to it being unstable and not great to stand on (and then do it anyway)#i'm mainly trying to keep an eye on it and make sure it doesn't swell up real bad like it did the first time i fucked it #when it earned the moniker of ''bad knee'' out of the two i've got #garrett's knee is fine right now but i'll probably end up bracing it when this one goes back to normal for the compensation i'm doing on it #ohhh bottle of naproxen we're really in it now #thank god it's workable though like so long as i'm In One Position and i don't sit with my leg folded up underneath me it's fine #it means i have fewer Gay And Neurodivergent ways to sit than normal but like i'll deal lmao #i just have to get through tomorrow and then i can rest the whole rest of the week until the move crew gets back up here #and then we will help with this #i'm really grumpy the thing i put off for weeks took like. a couple of clicks and a real quick county check #i really anticipated that being a longer process

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shararan · 2 months

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Havent been able to leave the house to go back to the gaming night hosted once a week with my program.... where they got genshin...... i wanna play fontaine..... and run around with my faves....

#last time i went i only managed to log in after a lot of struggle and then do weekly domains #and was catching up with my old home supporter who hosts it #since we hadnt met in five years due to me moving then moving back #anyway im banking on next week #holds thumbs and vibrates #sharan talks #i need to severely hurry with building that new pc #but got potential dental costs coming up due to like #i cant english rn but the thing thats supposed to pay the cost might not be egligble anymore #not insurance its specific to the disability law my care and support falls under #trying to find out if i can reapply but if not im gonna have to pay #which ill be able go but only cause ill have to take it from my pc savings #which would set me back a littke #oh well im pain free now though and that matters more #and my laptop can handle basic ffxiv and i got access to genshin even if not at hone #so its honestly going fine all things considered))#good way to break isolation too #as long as my body and sleep cooperates

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thoughtportal · 3 months

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Opinion Here’s how to get free Paxlovid as many times as you need it

When the public health emergency around covid-19 ended, vaccines and treatments became commercial products, meaning companies could charge for them as they do other pharmaceuticals. Paxlovid, the highly effective antiviral pill that can prevent covid from becoming severe, now has a list price of nearly $1,400 for a five-day treatment course.

Thanks to an innovative agreement between the Biden administration and the drug’s manufacturer, Pfizer, Americans can still access the medication free or at very low cost through a program called Paxcess. The problem is that too few people — including pharmacists — are aware of it.

I learned of Paxcess only after readers wrote that pharmacies were charging them hundreds of dollars — or even the full list price — to fill their Paxlovid prescription. This shouldn’t be happening. A representative from Pfizer, which runs the program, explained to me that patients on Medicare and Medicaid or who are uninsured should get free Paxlovid. They need to sign up by going to paxlovid.iassist.com or by calling 877-219-7225. “We wanted to make enrollment as easy and as quick as possible,” the representative said.

Indeed, the process is straightforward. I clicked through the web form myself, and there are only three sets of information required. Patients first enter their name, date of birth and address. They then input their prescriber’s name and address and select their insurance type.

All this should take less than five minutes and can be done at home or at the pharmacy. A physician or pharmacist can fill it out on behalf of the patient, too. Importantly, this form does not ask for medical history, proof of a positive coronavirus test, income verification, citizenship status or other potentially sensitive and time-consuming information.

But there is one key requirement people need to be aware of: Patients must have a prescription for Paxlovid to start the enrollment process. It is not possible to pre-enroll. (Though, in a sense, people on Medicare or Medicaid are already pre-enrolled.)

Once the questionnaire is complete, the website generates a voucher within seconds. People can print it or email it themselves, and then they can exchange it for a free course of Paxlovid at most pharmacies.

Pfizer’s representative tells me that more than 57,000 pharmacies are contracted to participate in this program, including major chain drugstores such as CVS and Walgreens and large retail chains such as Walmart, Kroger and Costco. For those unable to go in person, a mail-order option is available, too.

The program works a little differently for patients with commercial insurance. Some insurance plans already cover Paxlovid without a co-pay. Anyone who is told there will be a charge should sign up for Paxcess, which would further bring down their co-pay and might even cover the entire cost.

Several readers have attested that Paxcess’s process was fast and seamless. I was also glad to learn that there is basically no limit to the number of times someone could use it. A person who contracts the coronavirus three times in a year could access Paxlovid free or at low cost each time.

Unfortunately, readers informed me of one major glitch: Though the Paxcess voucher is honored when presented, some pharmacies are not offering the program proactively. As a result, many patients are still being charged high co-pays even if they could have gotten the medication at no cost.

This is incredibly frustrating. However, after interviewing multiple people involved in the process, including representatives of major pharmacy chains and Biden administration officials, I believe everyone is sincere in trying to make things right. As we saw in the early days of the coronavirus vaccine rollout, it’s hard to get a new program off the ground. Policies that look good on paper run into multiple barriers during implementation.

Those involved are actively identifying and addressing these problems. For instance, a Walgreens representative explained to me that in addition to educating pharmacists and pharmacy techs about the program, the company learned it also had to make system changes to account for a different workflow. Normally, when pharmacists process a prescription, they inform patients of the co-pay and dispense the medication. But with Paxlovid, the system needs to stop them if there is a co-pay, so they can prompt patients to sign up for Paxcess.

Here is where patients and consumers must take a proactive role. That might not feel fair; after all, if someone is ill, people expect that the system will work to help them. But that’s not our reality. While pharmacies work to fix their system glitches, patients need to be their own best advocates. That means signing up for Paxcess as soon as they receive a Paxlovid prescription and helping spread the word so that others can get the antiviral at little or no cost, too.

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#article #washington post #Paxlovid #covid #pandemic #health

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songofwizardry · 7 months

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r/ukvisa is a treasure trove of useful info and experience and has saved me so many times by digging up home office policies buried on the website that could get a visa rejected but boy does it not take a lot for several people on that sub to throw disabled people/"illegal" immigrants/asylum seekers/the entire concept of taxation and socialised healthcare/etc under the bus

#yes it fucking sucks that we have to pay the ihs #it sucks double that you have to pay the ihs even when you are paying national insurance #i do not like being taxed twice when the tory besties with millions barely get taxed either!#the solution to that is not 'get rid of the nhs it barely works and move to private healthcare entirely' can you actually hear yourself #or to say 'well i shouldn't have to contribute to the nhs as i never get sick ever and i pay for private healthcare when i do get sick'#or 'the government is so busy bleeding money from us the Good Legal High-Earning Immigrants Who Deserve To Be Here and ignoring the people.#... crossing in small boats who don't deserve to be here'#i am not even paraphrasing much lol 'this government hates people who want to be here legally' is a running comment on the sub #my good pal they hate ALL immigrants #they hate some of us less than others but they're not after us bc they have some sympathy (???) for asylum seekers they're doing it bc they #see a cash cow that isn't their besties and are trying to make it ridiculously difficult to get in the country. bc they don't like immigran #this coupled with labour's announcement today that THEY would actually be good and harsher with small boat crossings and i guess kill more #asylum seekers as though that's a matter of fucking pride #has pissed me off ok #rhetoric in this country towards 'less desirable' immigrants and asylum seekers and refugees has always been vile but god #have suella braverman and priti patel really done a number on it bc it's so so unabashedly violent in the last few years #i'd also like to point out that people struggling to be in the uk 'legally' (quote marks for a reason) & resorting to other means is a #direct consequence of the hostile environment and how hard it is to get a visa logistically financially etc #anyway i don't understand the 'it is hard for me therefore let me make it fucking harder for everyone else instead of attacking the people #in charge who made it this way and benefit from us being screwed over'#the model minority thing got in our heads and infected us you gotta cut it out and stop trying to be the good immigrant and ffs don't do th #tories job for them #i am. mad. ok i'm done now #ukpol #immigration #abolish borders today pls #2023 is an experience #my post

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inkskinned · 10 months

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so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.

this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.

somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.

i used betterhelp.

i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.

the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.

they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.

the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.

i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."

i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.

the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.

i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.

in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.

the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.

betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.

i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.

there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.

in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.

i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.

#writeblr #the book....#coming soon #hey so if ur someone who has ever said “you need to write a book”#i wrote the book #it's ... probably the best thing ive ever written #this is maybe too honest lol #okay to reblog thank you for asking i love u i am in love with u our wedding will be in may

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vanessagillings · 29 days

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I’m posting the ever-so-rare photo of myself alongside one of my characters based on my childhood because today is World Autism Acceptance Day, and I wanted to show my little corner of the internet who this particular autistic person is:

I was officially diagnosed in February, at age 38 (I’m now 39). A lot of people thought I couldn’t be autistic. Some people who know me in real life still don’t. And until around 10 years ago, I didn’t think I could be either, because I was nothing like the stereotype media portrays. I was told that autistics lacked empathy (untrue), and never played make-believe (also often untrue) and only enjoyed STEM. I was — and am — an empathetic artist -- and make believe? I can spend days sketching finely bedecked bears brewing tea or carefully choosing the right words to weave tapestries of fiction — though perhaps my hyper focus was a bit of a red flag. Even so, how could autism describe me? I was a good student. I got straight A's. I didn’t act out in class. I can make eye contact…if I must. And lots of girls hate having their hair brushed with an unholy passion, right? Clearly I swim in sarcasm like a fish, so autism couldn't be why I was so anxious all the time, could it?

If someone had told me when I was younger what autism ACTUALLY is — instead of the nonsense I’d seen on screens — I would have seen myself in it. I didn’t hear that autistics have sensory issues until I was in my mid-twenties, which is when I first began to really research autism symptoms, and I had almost all of them: sensitivity to light, smells, fabrics, temperatures, textures, and certain touches, all of which make me feel anxious, I fidget (stim), I never know what the hell to do with my hands or where to look, I talk too little or too much, I have special interests, I have entire animated movies memorized shot-by-shot and can remember the first time and place I saw every movie I've ever seen but I often forget what I'm trying to say mid-sentence, I echo movies and tv shows (my husband and I have a whole repertoire of shared echolalias, making up about 20% of our conversations), I was in speech therapy as a kid, I have issues with dysnomia and verbal fluency, I toe-walk, I can't multitask to save my life, I like things just-so, I’m deeply introverted but not shy, I need to recover from all social interaction — even social interaction I enjoy — and I find stupid, every day things like grocery shopping, driving and making appointments overwhelming and intensely stressful, sometimes to the point where I struggle to speak. It turns out, I am definitely autistic. My results weren't borderline. Not even close. And while these aren’t all of my challenges, and not everyone with these symptoms is autistic, it’s definitely something to look into if you present with all of these things at once.

So why did it take me so long to get diagnosed? The same bias that exists in media threads through the medical community as well, and because I'm a woman who can discuss the weather while smiling on cue, few people thought I was worth looking into. Even after I was fairly certain I was autistic, receiving an official diagnosis in the US is unnecessarily difficult and expensive, and in my case, completely uncovered by my insurance. It cost me over $4000, and I could only afford it because my husband makes more money than I do as a freelance illustrator — a job I fell into largely because it didn’t require in-person work; like many autists, I have been chronically underemployed and underpaid, in part due to physical illness in my twenties, which is a topic for another day. But it shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn’t be so hard for adults to receive diagnoses and it shouldn’t be so hard for people to see themselves in this condition to begin with due to misinformation and stereotypes. Like many issues in America, these barriers are even higher for marginalized groups with multiple intersectionalities.

It’s commonly said that if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person. This is why it’s called a spectrum, not because there’s a linear progression of severity (someone who appears to have low support needs like myself might need more than it seems, and vice versa), but because every autistic person has their own strengths and weaknesses, challenges and experiences, opinions and needs. No two people on the spectrum present in the same way. And that’s a good thing! No way of being autistic is inherently any better than any other, and even if someone on the spectrum struggles with things I don’t — or can do things I can’t — doesn’t make them more or less deserving of respect and human dignity.

But speaking solely for myself, the more I learn about autism, the happier I am to be autistic. I struggle to find words and exert fine motor control, but my deep passion and fixation has made me good at art and storytelling anyway. I find more joy watching dogs and studying leaf shapes on my walks than most people do in an entire day. More often than not, the barriers I’ve faced weren’t due to my autism directly, but due to society being overly rigid about what it considers a valid way of existing. My hope in writing this today is that maybe one person will realize that autism isn’t what they thought — and that being different is not the same as being less than. My hope with my fiction is to give autistic children mirrors with which to see themselves, and everyone else windows through which to see us as we actually are.

If you’re interested in learning more about autism or think you might be autistic, too, I recommend the Autism Self Advocacy Network autisticadvocacy.org and the following books:

What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic by Annie Kotowicz

We're Not Broken by Eric Garcia

Knowing Why edited by Elizabeth Bartmess

Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, PhD

Loud Hands edited by Julia Bascom

Neurotribes by Steve Silberman

(trigger warning: the last two contain quite a lot of upsetting material involving institutionalized child abuse, but I think it’s important for people to know how often autistic children were — and are — abused simply for being neurodivergent).

Thanks for reading 💛

#autism acceptance day #actually autistic

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