#i'm writing the hurt part right now

[vikingpoteto]

Trying to understand Kuai Liang's mindset as he reforms the Lin Kuei. Most of the people he knew were corrupted or forced to join the Cyber Initiative. His best friend is gone.

Maybe he remembers the brother he wanted to avenge. Maybe he remembers a Bi Han that loved him and protected him when they were younger. Maybe he reforms the clan thinking he's doing what his brother would've wanted.

Then Noob Saibot appears and he's their enemy and now he hates Kuai Liang and what he's doing to the Lin Kuei. Does the fact that he is a wraith changed him? Does Kuai Liang remember his brother right? If Tomas and the others were still alive, would they side with him? Is he even doing anything right at all?

#poteto rambling #mortal kombat 11 #kuai liang #sub-zero #bi han #noob saibot #I'm writing a fic #it was supposed to be hurt comfort #i'm writing the hurt part right now

[hopeswriting]

part 1 part 3

The look in Tsuna’s eyes has changed, and it makes Nana want to cry.

It’s not a bad change. It’s not one that makes him unhappy or that makes it hard to look in his eyes. If anything Tsuna’s gained confidence, standing straighter, speaking louder and looking people in the eye longer. It seems he’s trying to keep it subtle and unnoticeable, but even if he wasn’t, she wouldn’t be surprised if Iemitsu and her were still the only ones to see the change in him plain as day.

Not when it’s only ever been him and her in the mansion against the rest of them ever since he was born.

It’s only ever been him, her and Iemitsu too against the rest of them when he finds the time to stand by their sides, when having been Vongola first and for much longer before becoming her husband and Tsuna’s father allow him to. Nana noticed the change in Tsuna first, and she doesn’t know if it’s right of her to wish it’d unsettle Iemitsu the same way it unsettles her.

The look in Tsuna’s eyes has changed, and it makes Nana ashamed and guilty.

When did it change?

She can’t tell. One day he was her little Tsu-kun the same as she’s always known him to be, and the next she was looking in his eyes and feeling like she was seeing them for the first time in her life.

Why did it change?

She can guess. It’s only ever been him and her in the mansion against the rest of them ever since he was born, but it seems Nana has been failing to meet him halfway, forcing him to look into himself to become his own strength and support.

Tsuna shouldn’t even feel like it’s only the two of them against the rest of them. Not when he’s been born in this world, not when it’s the only world he’s ever known, unlike her who married in it, who loved her way in it. They spend time in Namimori whenever they can, only being Nana, Iemitsu and Tsuna, only being the Sawada family, but surely it can’t have that much weight compared to the life he’s known the most all his life, can it?

But maybe it has, because Tsuna has always taken from her the most rather than from Iemitsu. Iemitsu has always happily and lovingly agreed to that, loves to remind her of that fact whenever he can, and she never considered the thought that fact might one day feel bittersweet to know.

Nana frustratingly wipes the slow tears dripping down her cheeks. She’s alone in her room, too big and luxurious. No doubt something most people would dream of, but it’s never been a dream of hers, has never been a part of what her ideal life looks like. She sits in the armchair, keeping her eyes away from the too large bed she doesn’t get to share at night as often as she’d want to.

She retreats in her room at times when she feels too painfully just how much ill-fitted she still is for the mafia world, even after all these years. She’s learned to put up a perfect front, to be the trustworthy and reliable wife of a high-ranked and powerful mafioso. She’s learned when to smile and when not to, when to demand respect and when to let it slide, when to be accommodating and when to exert her higher influence and status to make them accommodate her, but it’s still just that, a front. It’s still not who she is, nor the way she wants to be a trustworthy and reliable wife to her husband when it comes to his job.

Today it stings especially deep that Iemitsu wasn’t able to make it to dinner even though he said he should be able to, and she couldn’t even bear to finish dinner with Tsuna first before retreating in her room. Not when the look in his eyes has changed.

It’s not a bad change, and she’s even proud of him for it, she is. Tsuna’s growing up, of course he’s growing up. It’s not something any parents can stop their children from doing however much they wish they could, but he isn’t supposed to grow up that fast. Shouldn’t be forced to, shouldn’t feel the need to.

He shouldn’t be growing up so fast not even herself noticed when it happened, shouldn’t have had to do it alone, and it makes her want to cry, makes her heart clench.

She’s learned to be a mafioso’s wife, but she seems to have forgotten to also be a mother at the same time.

She believed she could be both when she decided to become part of Iemitsu’s world instead of going her separate way from him, resolved she would be both. Both Iemitsu’s wife and the wife of a mafioso, as well as Tsuna’s mother, and not just the mother of the son of a mafioso, but here she is anyway.

Here they both are now.

Tears keep trickling down her face, and she doesn’t care to wipe them away anymore. She doesn’t have anyone to wipe them away for her either, doesn’t have anyone to trust the secret of their existence with. Not anyone who’d understand them anyway.

Never mind that she was a civilian most of her life before becoming mafia, because it’s not as if all mafiosi want their children to follow in their footsteps or don’t wish they could get them out of it too. Mafiosi of lower status or of no status at all gaining a higher status through marriage is a common practice too, and similar enough to her situation to allow understanding.

But Nana chose to marry in this world, chose to love her way in it when she was completely free from it and could have remained so. Iemitsu and her both resolved to do everything they could to have the best of both worlds, and she can’t think of anyone who’d understand she truly believed they could achieve it if they just tried hard enough, because she’s the one who was a civilian most of her life.

She can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t laugh at her face or wouldn’t look at her with disdain and contempt should she confide her tears in them.

Of course Iemitsu’s split between his family and theirs, and has to choose his family so to keep theirs safe, if for no other reason. Of course he can’t make it back to them as often and for as long as she’d want him to, and one day might never come back to them at all, leaving her without a husband and Tsuna without a father.

Of course Tsuna will grow up to become mafia too, and she wants to raise him to be a mafioso if she cares about him surviving the mafia and living in it for as long as possible. It’s the world she gave birth to him in, and the life she gave birth to him to.

But now she wants to blame them and their world for it when she chose to become one of them too? When she chose to make their world hers too?

They’d be right about everything, but Iemitsu swore.

Nana loves him, of course she does. He’s the love of her life, she knows it deep in her bones without a shadow of a doubt. When he told her the truth about just what his job was and she wondered just how many other things he might have lied to her about, she’s still never doubted his love for her, nor a second of him loving her.

Ultimately it’s what made her stay, but Nana has always wanted children more than anything else in the world. She’s always wanted to love them and see them grow up and live long, safe and happy lives. If not for Iemitsu swearing to her their children would be able to choose, wouldn’t be forced in anything, that he’d see to it they wouldn’t be no matter what, she swears she would have made another choice because she loves Tsuna more than anything else in the world, she does.

Iemitsu swore.

He lied.

He didn’t mean to, is still trying not to, but here they all are now.

Because Tsuna is an heir to Vongola too, even if he’s only the spare, their very last option should it ever come to that, which is the only reason why they live in the Vongola mansion despite how it politically poorly reflects on CEDEF when it comes to its independence from Vongola.

Anger burns alive in Nana’s chest at the sight of her too big and luxurious room.

It always burns alive too whenever everyone acts as if they’re entitled to see Tsuna as only the spare heir, one they don’t want and don’t think anything of at best, and so they feel all the more entitled to disregard him completely until they’ll have a need of him, if such a day should ever happen. As if they wouldn’t throw themselves at his feet and beg him to save Vongola from meeting its end should such a day happen.

Nana hates the sight of it, yet doesn’t allow herself to hold onto her anger, has no right to. Iemitsu swore, but it’s both their failures that he isn’t able to keep his promise. Because Nana hates even more the way they feel free to only see Tsuna as someone they might one day need but don’t care about in the meantime even in front of her, as if they weren’t talking about her son, but she knows who she has to blame for it.

After all a good mafioso’s wife hasn’t anything to say when people praise her son whenever he shows potential to become a great mafioso, and she shouldn’t want to take his defense when they look down at him for the many ways he’s ill-fitted to become a mafioso, shouldn’t feel happy, proud and relieved at that.

Nana hides her face in her hands, the sobs she’s been holding back stuck in her throat and choking her.

“Mama?”

Nana startles, hastily wiping her eyes dry as she stands. “Ts—Tsuna?” Tsuna’s half in her room, half still hidden behind the door. She smiles. “Did you already finish eating?”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No, of course not,” she says a little too fast, walking to him. “Come on in. You know I always have time for my little Tsu-kun, right?” Tsuna gives her a small smile, fully stepping inside but staying at the door. “Do you need something?”

“Why didn’t Papa eat with us?” Nana freezes. “He said he would too.”

“I’m sure he tried, but sometimes he still can’t because of his work. Because he works hard so he can take care of us.” Tsuna says nothing, his eyes intent on her, and she kneels in front of him, taking his hands in hers. “Because he loves us,” she feels compelled to say by the way he looks at her.

“You don’t like it here.”

Nana’s smile falters, and it feels stiff when she forcefully keeps it on her face anyway. “It’s… a little lonely sometimes. You know how much your mama loves your papa, right?” She laughs, but Tsuna’s lips don’t even twitch. “If I could, I’d spend all my time with the both of you, so sometimes I just miss him, that’s all.”

“You were crying.”

Nana smiles wider. “I just miss him a lot today. But I’m okay, so you don’t have to worry.”

Tsuna looks down, his shoulders dropping. “But I like Namimori better too.”

“Your dad loves us,” Nana says again, squeezing his hands, and she doesn’t know for whom she says it. “That’s why he wanted us to live together here, so he could still be with us and still keep working at the same time. You know that, right?”

“But I love you too. So I’d let you go so you can be happy too.”

Nana stops smiling, and she can’t make herself smile again even when Tsuna shyly catches her eye again from under his eyelashes. She wants to squeeze his hands even tighter, but she doesn’t want to hurt him. “Tsu-kun, you… there’s something you decided you want to do, isn’t it? Is it anything Mama can help you with?”

“I’m okay,” he says first, because of course, she’s been his mother just as long as he’s been her son, and the smile ghosting her lips is genuine. “I just want to make friends. I… feel lonely too. And…” he looks her straight in the eye, squeezing her hands back, and the new look in his eyes is the most obvious she’s seen it yet “… I want my people. I want a family too.”

Nana’s heart clenches, clenches, clenches.

Iemitsu and her failed him both, and so he had to look in himself to find the strength and resolve to be the one to give himself the choice. Maybe to even make it should it come to that.

He’s not saying Iemitsu and her aren’t his family. To him there’s always been family and family ever since he was born, and if he doesn’t want to become Vongola’s family but Vongola still won’t let go of him in case they end up having a need for him, then he’ll just have to carve a place of his own within it so he can call it home and family too.

“I love you too,” Tsuna says again. “Can it be enough?”

Can he be enough?

Can she stand by him even if it might mean she’ll have to stand against Iemitsu at times? Even if it might mean she’ll have to help him go against family at times?

Nana slaps her hand against her mouth, tears spilling out of her eyes before she has any chance to stop them, Tsuna’s hopeful and uncertain voice breaking her heart.

In the next second she holds him tight against her, burying her face in his hair. “Of course it’s enough. Oh, Tsu-kun, I’m so sorry. You’re everything I’ll ever need. Of course, of course, always.”

Tsuna says nothing, but holds her tight too, and when his body shakes and she feels her shirt growing wet, she cries harder.

Her baby boy, her little Tsu-kun, and that she made him lose faith in the fact she loves him for exactly who he is, she thinks him good enough and perfect just the way he is, and that she’d never change anything to him and will always love him no matter what is crushing.

When has he started thinking even her might wish he was better at being who he is? When has he started losing faith in her love for him?

She can’t tell.

How can she not be able to tell?

But Tsuna still wants her to be his mother, is willing to give her the chance to make up for her failures as his mother up until now, and she won’t let him down, not ever again.

And Nana loves Iemitsu too, she does. He’s the love of her life. It hurts to know Tsuna won’t ask the same of Iemitsu, especially when it’s love that’d make Iemitsu not want to let go of him either, and she can only hope he’ll do so somewhere down the line sooner than later, but it’s still an easy choice to do. It’s not even a choice at all, and when—when, hopefully—Tsuna will ask the same of him, she can only hope his answer will come to him as naturally as breathing too.

She’ll stand by Tsuna and will always choose him over anything and everyone else in the world, of course she will.

Nana can’t tell how much time has passed when they finally pull back from each other. She helps Tsuna dries his tears, and he laughs as she does, making her laugh too, both of them smiling bright and wide.

She cradles his face between his hands, leaning his forehead against his. “You’re perfect just the way you are, Tsuna. There’s nothing about you you need to change, and Mama promise to always love you no matter what, all right?”

He marks a pause, looking into her eyes, but then smiles, tears gleaming in his eyes again. “Okay. I love you too.”

“Did you finish eating?”

He shakes his head. “I wasn’t hungry anymore after you left.”

“Then will you go tell Madi we’re sorry, but we’d be grateful if she could prepare us something warm again? I’ll be right behind you.”

Tsuna beams, and she smiles wider at him. “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

He cheers, throwing himself in her arms for a quick hug before running out of her room. She laughs, standing up, and finds a mirror to make sure she’s presentable again before leaving her room too.

She doesn’t look like much with her wet cheeks, red eyes and disheveled hair. Then again, she’s never looked like much in any of their eyes, has she? Even after she met their standards of what they expected the wife of Vongola’s CEDEF’s boss to be. Of how they expected her to be.

She supposes she was a civilian too long for them to not keep seeing her as a civilian before anything else, and one too clueless to ever realize just the full extent of the influence and power her status holds. The authority her status holds too, as long as she makes use of her influence and power right. Especially when she’s only been doing the strict minimum in being mafia, and her personality being what it is likely works against her too.

Good. Let them keep thinking that way, as it’s all things she’ll make work for her now. Things she’ll make work for Tsuna.

Nana learned how to be a good mafioso’s wife. She can start from scratch again and learn how to be Tsuna’s mother too.

And if it’ll help her be a better mother to him, if it’ll help her help him be happy in the world she gave birth to him in and in the life she gave birth to him to, she can also learn to be the wife of Vongola’s CEDEF’s boss and the mother of one of Vongola’s heirs.

She will.

#katekyo hitman reborn #khr #khr fanfic #sawada nana #sawada tsunayoshi #wip khr #brt (aswoi) wip #hope's writing #mine #cannot believe a part 2 saw the light of day THIS ISNT WHAT IM MEANT TO BE WRITING RIGHT NOW 😭😭😭😭 #anyway. we like nana in this house just to be clear #we acknowledge she could have been a better mother to tsuna and the way and times she /wasn't/ hurt tsuna deeply in a way he'll carry all #his life #but we also acknowledge she never meant to and has alwas loved him and taken care of him to the best of her abilities #and that she was a good mother to him most of the time and that most of what makes tsuna tsuna comes from her too #so jot that down <3 #also i'm aware in this verse tsuna & iemitsu relationship would be... better and closer than it is in canon #while at the same time not necessarily because this tsuna is still canon tsuna at his core #and i'm trying to not be biased and strike the right balance between the two but i'm not sure how much it's working lol #and actually it's funny how hard it is for me to not be biased against iemitsu? #like i'm TRYING to unlearn that bias but #why is it tsuna's daddy issues hit so close to home? does it mean something? #i'm sure it doesn't <3

[remylong]

ventposting with a character url is so funny like she would not be saying all that

#i guess it's also because of this particular fandom #bc i associate it so strongly with my friends/writing/blog & most of the cool fun things that have happened to me/that i have accomplished #which are i guess like. the good parts of me? #that like writing for it/thinking about it/having a fandom url for it when im treating the people around me so horribly #makes me feel like. idk. a little bit sad and a lot bit sick #like i'm ruining the last good part of myself #which is insane because it's a not-that-great podcast from 2020 it's literally not that deep but 2 me it's always been more abt the ppl #like. i dont know. i hope i haven't ruined this place yet. i hope i haven't hurt the people here as much as i've hurt others. i hope #(and this is going to sound stupid because the people in question will probably read this entry but it's true) #that the people here still have reason to like me. #even though i don't really deserve it #i guess i just want there to be some place in the world where i can pretend not to be selfish and cruel and sinful and pathetic #a chronic liar a worse procrastinator a corny writer a terrible friend a worse student/employee/whatever #which is of course undermined by the fact i am writing this on this blog! online! publically! instead of in a diary no one will ever see #but i feel like my blogs have always sort of been an extension of myself? more now that i have my irls/name/face on here and the whole #I Prommy I Won't Ditch This Friend Group This Time(community note: she is going to ditch the friend group as soon as it becomes inconvenien #sometimes it feels more real than my actual body that exists in the world #so i guess if i put it down here it makes it. like. real right? like it makes it carry a little bit of weight that spiralling doesn't #whatever. this is going to make me unemployable for the rest of forever LOL #also the autocompleted tags r going to jumpscare me forever #sorry i couldn't tell any of you this to your faces btw and had to like. myspace 2008 vaguepost it #what can i say i just love to yap

[turtlemagnum]

thinking about how the people around me, particularly people i dont know anymore, impacted my fantasy setting. the raccoon people i added because of a friend who wanted to be a raccoon. goblins existing in the way that they do because of someone i still know who really likes a specific kind of goblin, and made me like them too. even minor things, like deciding that a character's eyes were gray because the person i was talking to also had gray eyes. there"s definitely a lot of me in there, but there's still little bits and pieces of others in there too

#a pretty significant plot point for one of my characters is heavily inspired by stuff my mom dealt with #i really hope i can properly convey the gravity of the topic. particularly with tact due to how poorly i've seen it handled #in my writing i try to approach any topic with the baseline amount of empathy that people deserve. i feel *a lot*. #i sincerely hope it comes through that i care so much about so much #a particularly hurtful exchange i recently had was me casually saying that i care about a lot of things and my grandpa almost accusitorily #asked “like what” #i'm generally pretty open about what's on my mind. i try to connect with people time and time again and so often do i get nothing in return #it makes it hard to go on. sometimes. #one day. i hope i'll meet someone who cares as much as i do. cares about me as much as i care about them. #if i meet even one it'll have all been worth it. #part of me feels like saying “i can't bear to live like this anymore”. but i can. and i have. i can bare a lot actually #i don't think i'd be alive if i couldn't #there's a lot wrong in the world right now. i can't bear to watch most of it. this of course makes me feel even more guilty #at the very least i've made a habit of clicking the arab dot org buttons daily. i can't handle watching but i can at least help. #in a small way. that is. #i definitely feel like i needed to get that out of my system. rambling is what i do. after all #i feel like i have an abnormally strong will to live. i remember coming very close to a suicide attempt once. the razor actually cut into my #wrist just a little bit. i very much wanted to die at that point. on an emotional level #but i just couldn't do it. i need to live. i just need to. it'll have all been worth it. eventually. #eventually.

[peninkwrites]

.

#i never make vent posts or anything like this but I am just. so torn up about all of this #please don't take this too seriously this is my personal ramblings not a statement on some important part of the situation #ok? my feelings are my problem when there are people out there being tangibly hurt and harassed for coming forward about a serious thing. #i don't think finishing my fics would be supporting him as a cc. that isn't really my concern? #but right now i am disgusted by his very name. i can't write right now. #i don't know what to do. #i wish i had started the Mafia AU sooner. That fic is over 6 months in the making and I had/have so much story I wanted to tell. #it would be easier to cut him out of that series #but the community is so torn up who's gonna read it? I know I should write for my own sake too #but the people I met #the damn server I set up #it's because of this. #this fandom existed so independently of the ccs for so long in reference to their characters #i don't know why we have to lose that #but at the same time I understand people's discomfort. I both can't blame people for leaving and wish they wouldn't. #I don't know where I'm at comfort-wise too and maybe we're all just waiting to feel less horrified #but i already miss people just writing meta and random days with the whole dash rambling about a specific character #i know it hasn't been long. #but I guess I'm more worried it's gone forever. #i didn't feel like what we did had anything to do with him until his presence ruined it. #the cc had been on thin ice for me for a while i just. ignored his presence and focused only on rp characters. #like. why should I abandon talking about c!Wilbur and c!Quackity etc etc because one motherfucker turned out to be terrible? #this stuff is not a priority right now of course considering the reason this is happening is a matter of justice and accountability #which is why im sort of just rambling here instead of making a proper post #i've wrapped so much of my life around this fandom for the past two years. probably an unhealthy amount. but i don't know how to let go #i didn't realize that the running backtrack of my brain has been my fics. these characters. CONSTANTLY #i literally don't know what to think about. I've been writing almost nonstop about this stuff for 2 YEARS. #I've lost my joy of creation. my emotional crutch. hopefully temporarily but my god. #dream situation #vent

[noxtivagus]

i shld sleep oh my god

#🌙.rambles #i am somehow not rlly sleepy despite barely having sleep but my head does ache slightly. but just a few more stuff left in this week n #i'll properly rest for a bit ! bcs next week even though we're gna have a break ofc there's like.. prom n then that vacation right after T_ #gna be fun but i'm. definitely gna be rlly tired. n.. nah i need to stop overthinking abt sm stuff #just. anxious that i might end up being too shy. usually in social events like that i realize i #end up pushing myself a bit too much n then it ends w me just putting on a strong facade #i'm worried too i think bcs two of my friends haven't.. reconciled yet? so. yeah it is possible i may have to deal w some stuff during prom #fuck. i'm just. worried abt a lot of things in general. but i'm mostly overthinking it. everything. #sigh in general i'm being too harsh on myself again. wtf maybe it's the sleep-deprivation or smth bcs ik i'll manage it all #i believe in myself n know i'm capable but. it's just.. overwhelming rn i think. n it. hurts bcs it's like before in a way..? n like my wol #i wonder. what we'd all do if we were hypothetically given the chance to be able to do whatever we wanted in a day n have whatever we want #without changing the reality we have now or yeah no consequences at all. just a lil day in an alternate world we could control #if you were to choose for yourself n only for yourself what would you do? #sob ig i relate w rinoa too bcs of that strong facade part. i wrote that for my wol too #but like even w all that in the end uh. every time i read these sort of stuff it comforts me deep down #bcs i remember back then when i rlly just had my family #that.. loneliness. i write abt it a lot huh. not that i'm exactly seeking for something. maybe before bcs i didn't talk w my friends anymor #but now i suppose it's just something painfully constant. but not really too #i can't.. put it into words rn n i'm low on sleep. but i rmb just daydreaming to myself back then of my wol's development though #from heavensward.. sorta hiding herself n having to be strong for others. though she so desperately just wants to let her guard down #n be free yk. a break from all her responsibilities n rest.. she's young after all. but while i do relate with that it's still #yk particularly w the context of my wol being yeah the warrior of light in ffxiv. but. i rmb writing of how then that was being strong for #her. n.. yeah she was healing from stuff then. that's hw. but in stormblood ooh i wrote here that she put her emotions to the side #bottled them. became more serious n i tied that w being a samurai main back in stb w duty stuff help this connects well but it's funny #hesitant in heavensward to trying to do things more on her own in stormblood to.. accepting it all in shadowbringers #shy/quiet was more in hw while being serious/calm was in stb. raghhh i rmb my notes well in 2021 but i'm so afraid to look at like #the stuff i wrote last year 💀 but. oh my this is embarrassing but i do like how i even just dump my thoughts. it's bittersweetly beautiful #maybe i'm trying to accept everything at once or yk putting too much pressure on myself to improve holistically. #like.. i want to write before i grow older than my fav charas yk? n then just think of lots of stuff too n. #be productive. study. n idk just more more more in general but i could be less harsh on myself. yeah

[dayssinceabrandcrossedmarkiplier]

45 days since a brand crossed Markiplier

1/07/22

#markiplier #okay so... I know this is a mark centric blog which is why I'm doing this in the tags instead of a specific post #but I also know a bunch of you are also part of the mcytblr community #so before I carry on I'm just going to drop the ol' #tw death #tw cancer #right so #I am sure a bunch of you are hurting right now and will for who knows how long (maybe even forever) #that's okay and your feelings are incredibly valid so don't tell yourself they're not #I loved Techno too #I woke up to the news and was crying within 5 minutes as I listened to his dad talk and it started hitting me that this was real #it's been nearly 2 hours now at time of writing (which is roughly 12 hours before this goes up) #and while my emotions are mostly stable rn I'm still in that weird zone of *I'm somewhat 'okay' but any small thing could set me off again* #but yeah just wanted to say I get how you're feeling and if anyone wants to talk my asks on main are open (anon too) #please take care of yourselves as you grieve #here's some tissues a hug and your favourite comfort food #and hey he said it himself #he's taking on the kingdom of god rn #so I'm sure he's doing alright wherever he is

[themagical1sa]

Go write a love letter for him! Then you can give it on valentine's day! I think it's pretty obvious that you both like eachother, why not confess first?

🫂

Well, you see– [loud construction noises from the neighboring house making my speech incoherent /j]

#[ 🗣️ | the magical girl replies ] #[ 🫂 | hug anon ] #the last time i sent a crushie a v-day letter they confessed they kind of. cheated on me #we were mutual crushies (they did the 'crush-back' to me as we Filipinos would say) and we were basically in a mutual understanding #friends with feelings fr #feb 14 2021 i write him a poem like i did my friends #feb 15 2021 he confesses he'd been s/xting one of my now ex-bestie. #lmao imagine making a cute hand-written card and origami and it gets set on fire by accident #and to top it all off: my ex-bestie went like 'dont blame him. blame me. but im not apologizing because u two arent even a thing yet' #what in the disrespect of my friendship and trust #the worst part of feb 15 2021 was that *it was an exam day* #so i get heartbroken and then gaslit and i end up with a headspace so bad i couldn't do my practical writing exam #i'd never felt so angry before. my blood went warm to hot and i was shaking #i was screaming so much in my head it hurt too much #i hated my crush i hated my bestie i hated ME because who else let this happen? who introduced one to the other? #well it's about to be two years since anyways and i like to think i'm over them lol #my main concern is *how my crush trauma now affects current crush feelings* HAHAHHAHAHhahahaha. ha. #sometimes i'd want to be aro instead but i'm not aro. i experience every aspect and every form of love #the scope of how i feel love also happens to include romantic love #like ik how there's love for family & friends & creators & craft & people & also romantic love. ykw i mean right #so there's... that going on haha #new person new time different outcomes right?

[stellacendia]

The problem with writing certain AUs sometimes is that you just love canon so fricken much that when you take out a certain element for the AU you sacrifice such incredible stuff

#stella speaks #just watched one of my favorite episodes of my favorite show #and i'm writing an au right now #but this episode can't happen in the au #which is like. a good thing. because no trauma #but also as much as it hurts i love what this episode does for the characters so much #yeah it hurts them but what they get to build afterward? beautiful #i might have to find a way to let a version of this episode still happen #because how can i give that up? #is the part about loving canon relatable on this website lol

[neil-gaiman]

I'm sorry Neil, although I love your writing and agree with your opinions on most subjects I have to disagree with you on the writers' strike. No-one should have a more privileged life as a result of being clever and creative. I worked from the age of 15 to the age of 65 in low-paid jobs, taking 1 year off to go to drama school and 3 years off to get a fine art degree. I worked in terrible but necessary jobs, labouring, stacking boxes, unloading trucks, running errands, filing, going to work on a bicycle at all hours of the day and night on shift work in all kinds of weather. Even when I was a student I was still working in part-time cleani8ng jobs and even during periods of unemployment I worked in volunteer jobs for charities and social services.

According to Mensa I have an IQ of 160 and according to Plymouth University I have a BA hons in Fine Art but I cannot accept the idea that writers and other creative people should avoid normal jobs like driving an "Uber" or working in an office/shop/factory/construction site. To accept that idea would be to create a new aristocratic class when we should abolishing the old princes and aristocrats.

What we need, I feel sure, is a redistribution of labour so that everybody who can do so would spend some time each year in blue collar work and everybody who can would get higher education and a chance to make art of one sort or another.

The idea of doing other jobs to supplement writing or drawing shouldn't be seen as a terrible thing, a punishment or a suffering. Sharing the jobs around should be seen as normal.

I mean, I've done my half century of sweat labour and it didn't hurt me too much. I'm retired now and still making art of various kinds and I've never asked anyone to pay me for any art piece I've made. making art, writing, drawing etc. is the fun stuff which we get to do in exchange for the blue collar stuff which puts food on the table.

The worst pop song ever written was Sting/Dire Straits song "Money for Nothing" which ridicules the working class from a position of educational privilege.

So what's my question? My question is: What's wrong with a writer doing other jobs to make ends meet? Sounds perfectly fine to me.

Nothing's wrong with a writer doing other jobs to make ends meet. Writers and artists have been doing that since the dawn of time. Actors too.

But by the same token, there's nothing right about assuming that writing isn't a blue-collar job, or that writers and other people who make art can only make it for love and that thus they need other jobs to subsidise their craft.

I like living in a world in which the people who make the things that make the world worth living in get paid for their work. For me, that includes the people who make films and TV, books, art and music and comics.

Having spent a lot of time on film and TV sets, it's a blue-collar world on set, and everyone is working long and hard to make the shows you love. I'm never going to suggest that the riggers or the gaffers or the make-up team or the focus-pullers should drive ubers in order to have the privilege of being on the set and working there.

Or to put it another way, from the most blue-collar writer I ever knew...

#wga strike #wga strong

[criminalamnesia]

HIIII!!! I just wanted to say that i really love ur writing! I've read ur traitor series and I can't wait for part 4! I'm a new author, and english isn't my first language, so it's sometimes very hard for me to write bcs i'm stil not that good, but ur fics have helped me improve<3💗!

thank you so much!🫶 im glad you’ve enjoyed the series! and speaking of part four, here it is :)

ALL PARTS CAN BE FOUND HERE

simon didn’t turn to watch you leave the gym.

he stood there, eyes forward, mask clenched in one fist. he could feel the blood drying on his skin. he made no move to wipe it away.

he didn’t blame you for your anger— he couldn’t. he understood the rage. had felt it himself a time or two.

but he couldn’t take everything lying down.

did he deserve your wrath, your fury? yes— and he knew that. there was no making up for what he did; he realized that, but why couldn’t you understand?

he’d never fully taken his walls down around you, and that was no fault of your own. he was a guarded man, and his past gave him every right to be.

he had been burned and broken too many times. he’d seen the people he loved murdered because of him.

he swore he would never let that happen again. he put those walls up, and you knocked some of them down.

but there were some you’d never gotten through, at least, simon told himself you hadn’t. there was always something he was holding back, a piece of himself he wouldn’t give freely. he told himself it was because he couldn’t stand to love you so deeply and then watch you leave.

but really, it was because he needed an out. he needed a way to justify his leaving if something ever happened— and that’s what got him here.

simon trusted the 141 with his life. he trusted his captain with his life. price had never led him astray; john knew his face well before any of the others. well before you.

and when someone you trust so deeply, someone you’ve followed for years, tells you that the person you love has betrayed your team?

you can’t help but believe them. and that’s what simon did.

the evidence was coincidental at first. wrong place, wrong time. but then, everything started to seem like more than a coincidence. pieces of a complicated puzzle were fitting together. things only you and the rest of the 141 would know were leaked.

and all the signs pointed to you.

and although he didn’t want to, simon couldn’t help it. the second price had confided in him that you may be the rat, simon began to distance himself. you had been confused, but he had offered no explanation.

price was the one to question you first. it was a heated conversation in his office, consisting of him showing you the evidence and you becoming furious at the accusations.

johnny came to you next, buttering you up with his flirtatious and unarming words before asking if you’d leaked information.

then there was kyle, who pleaded for the truth. he told you that a case was being built against you, and that if you came clean now, things wouldn’t be so bad.

simon never tried to talk to you about it. the other men would tell him what you’d said, but he had never gone to talk to you himself.

maybe it was pride. simon wasn’t trusting, not after his past. he had let the 141 in, had let you in. and now you were a suspected traitor, and he was angry at himself. angry he hadn’t seen it sooner; angry he’d let you in at all.

but maybe it was hurt. hurt that you’d done this to him, to the team, after knowing everything they’d been through. after stitching up wounds on the battlefield and taking bullets for one another. after sharing simon’s bed and whispering you loved him.

all he knew was that he trusted price. and as evidence built, so did the distance between the two of you, until you were tied to that chair.

and simon had taken his hurt, his anger, out on you. he wasn’t proud of it, and he knew now that he was wrong. but he was still a little angry. angry because you couldn’t see his side of things— not like he could see yours.

so, he was an ass. he didn’t apologize. he snuck flowers to your bedside but kept his distance. he told you to watch your tone because you were still part of the team, and speaking to price like that was only something an outsider would do.

and he told you that he’d spared your life because he had. anger had consumed him, and truthfully, you were lucky he hadn’t done worse.

even if he’d smothered his feelings for you with rage, he still harbored love for you, and that’s why some part of him held back.

he knew you would probably never forgive him. he had made his peace with that.

but he couldn’t stand the fact that you couldn’t understand why he’d done what he did.

the creak of the gym door opening broke simon from his thoughts. he pulled his mask back on before turning around and making his way to the door.

it took one firm knock on the door for price to answer.

the door clicked open, and price sighed when he saw simon, scrubbing a hand over his unruly beard before letting the taller man in. price turned, walking back to his desk chair, while simon closed the door behind him and locked it.

“this is a bloody mess,” the captain said, falling heavily into the chair. it squeaked at the sudden weight, old leather crinkling and crackling.

“doc came and saw me earlier, ‘fore she left for the night. told me about some new injuries, and yelled at me for letting that happen.”

simon didn’t speak. price’s eyes met his, and he sighed again.

“fuckin’ hell, simon. what the fuck did you say? doc said she had to stitch up both their hands.”

“doesn’t matter what I say,” simon spoke, eyes still on the captain “they won’t fuckin’ listen.”

price shook his head. “that’s not true, ‘nd we both know it,” he sounded tired as he spoke, dark bags under his eyes. he paused for a moment, then spoke again.

“spoke to laswell after you left earlier. she said she’ll try to speed up the transfer process. tryin’ to avoid more fuss, and im not fightin’ it any longer.”

“they’re part of our team,” simon spoke, tone rough.

price shook his head. “they are, but I can’t keep doin’ this. can’t keep pushin’ off transferin’ because of you lot. it may be better for us, but not for them.”

the room fell quiet. simon inhaled, exhaled. his fists clenched at his sides before quickly unfurling once more.

he didn’t have a right to be mad at you for leaving, but he was.

“laswell say anythin’ else about tha’ transfer?” simon asked.

price leaned back in his chair, arms folded across his chest. “not much. no word on where or with who, but even if she knew, doubt she’d tell us. for their sake.”

simon gave a small nod and made to turn, but froze as price spoke again.

“she did say she didn’t know if it would go through. they’d have to pass another eval.”

they both knew what that meant. if laswell said that, then she didn’t believe the transfer would happen. kate wouldn’t outwardly say it, but price had known what she’d meant.

pushing the transfer through wouldn’t matter if you couldn’t pass a physical and psychological evaluation— and laswell didn’t think you could.

although he wouldn’t admit it, price was unsure, too. torture was something that took an incredibly devastating toll on the mind and body.

but torture at the hands of your team? there was no telling the damage that that would do to someone. to you.

an honorable discharge was more likely. and, if that was the case, then your rage would likely grow tenfold.

you career, your livelihood, taken from you by the hands of the men you trusted the most. your family, cutting you up and pushing you out.

damned by your team and your country, regardless of everything you’d done for both of them during your service.

you were just another cog in the machine, one that had been damaged and discarded, and a discharge couldn’t make that any clearer.

he thought back to what you had said in the gym earlier, before you’d left.

‘you should have killed me.’

maybe he should have.

thanks to everyone for your patience! also just incase you didn’t see my post about it—

im no longer doing a taglist! my side blog @troiastitans will reblog my works from now on, so if you want to know when I post, follow that account and allow notifications!

as always, thank you for the love! (also I hope you all enjoyed a little peek into simon’s head!)

#cod mw2 fic #captain john price #gaz call of duty #soap call of duty #ghost call of duty #captain price #call of duty modern warfare #call of duty #simon riley x you #simon ghost x reader #simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #simon ghost riley #simon riley #johnny mactavish #john soap mactavish #johnny soap mactavish #kyle gaz garrick #kyle garrick #John price #simon riley x gn reader #simon riley angst #ghost x gn reader #ghost x you #ghost angst #ghost x reader #ghost cod #141!reader #141 x reader #task force 141

[loganlermanstanaccount]

Show me where it hurts (part 1)

Miguel O'Hara x spiderwoman!reader

(AO3 Mirror), Part 2, Main Masterlist

summary: Miguel's acting weird, and you make it your mission to find out exactly what's going on.

warnings: no warnings for this chap, pg-13, swearing and canon level violence. smut next chapter xoxo

a/n: this is a combination of 2 asks and this post I saw on here a while ago: flirty/ snarky fem reader, Miguel during a ""rut"" (I don't know if it counts as a rut really, but its to do with his animal instincts/DNA) and Lyla playing matchmaker.  I had so much fun writing this, enjoy :D

(i wrote this pre seeing spiderverse 2, so i think characterisation is a little off, esp for Lyla, apologies! I'll fix it in my upcoming fics)

edit: I use the term "bichita" which I have been informed can be read not as I intended in Spanish. I'm not a native speaker so I want to apologise in advance. I'm doing more research for my future fics and leaving this up as a testament to my stupidity. Spanish speakers, feel free to correct me / clown my ass in the comments. My bad guys :(

wc: 3.6k

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You think Miguel is avoiding you. 

One of your closest friends, giving you the runaround for months, it seems. Calling the two of you close friends is a little extreme, sure. You've only known O'Hara for two years, and been in love with him for slightly less than that, thank you very much. And yes, he refuses to call you by anything but your last name. And the last time you saw him he wouldn't so much as look at you, but that was besides the point. 

"..the point," You tell Lyla, in between exasperated bites of cereal, "... is that aren't elite forces of spiderpeople supposed to, you know, have some spiderpeople kick ass once in a while? And where exactly is our fearless leader? I haven't seen O'Hara's scary ass in weeks, and I'm starting to miss it."

She gives you a look, one that says this isn't what I'm programmed for , but you pointedly ignore it. 

"His ass, by the way." You clarify. "I very specifically miss his ass. Remind me to get his routine. I know girls that would kill for…"

"How the fuck did you get in here?" A voice croaks. You turn behind you and see Miguel, not in his suit, but wrapped up in a blanket like he's just woken up. And he looks rough, like a train ran him over on the way here: puffy eyes, splotchy skin, tension kneaded into his brow. 

"Wow." Your spoon drops into the milk. "You look like shit.." 

He furrows his brow even deeper, if that was possible. " Mierda. You shouldn't be here." 

"This isn't quite the welcome party I was expecting, man. I'm the only one to actually turn up to one of your meetings, and this is what I get?" 

"I thought I told Lyla to cancel," He mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

"Cancel? Since when do you miss a chance to talk about rules and protocol?" 

"I don't have time for this-" 

"-and I'm not leaving without a proper explanation. Is everything okay?" 

"It's actually way worse now you're here." He deadpans. 

"Haha ." You turn to Lyla. "You drop everything to travel halfway across the multiverse and this asshole won't even say thanks." 

"Thanks, but this asshole needs you to leave. Now." 

This is the most he's spoken to you in forever, and you hate that you like it. You just want his attention, however it comes. If that means dragging this out so maybe he acknowledges you, touches you, looks at you - then so be it. Squinting, you get closer to him. You scan his face for anything to latch onto. You put a hand on his shoulder, still searching. 

"You sure you're alright? You know you can tell me if-" 

"Si, si." He grits his teeth, looking away. "M'just fine. I'll explain…. later."

"...because I'm your right hand man?" You grin, poking at his brow. "Stop frowning so much Miguel, you're gonna ruin that pretty face of yours."

He flushes, nervous, and swats you away. "-what? N-No. You're not my right hand man and I like my face just the way it is. Now, leave. "

Making your way to the door, you tap your nose teasingly. "You know where to find me!" 

When the door closes with a click, you make your way down the corridor, and stop in your tracks when you hear it. It's muffled, but with the strain of your supersenses you can make out Miguel's voice just beyond the wall. 

"I just…. don't want her to see me like this… Lyla, it's not happening… I can't tell her…." Tell her what, exactly? 

Resolutely, you make up your mind. Miguel O'Hara's got a secret. And before you leave for home, you're gonna do everything in your God given power to wear him down and find out. 

~~~

Despite his insistence otherwise, you liked to think of yourself as O'Hara's right hand man - and most of the other spiderpeople thought so too. You were one of the very first he recruited, after crash landing onto your earth like a spiderman-shaped meteor; the two of you were inseparable. Miguel was stubborn and headstrong and thought he was right all the time. Infuriatingly, he was, but that didn't stop you from telling him to get his head out of his own ass when his ego grew too big. 

He was different around you, you think. Softer, sometimes. Harsher, other times. He told you what you needed to hear whether you wanted to or not; the result of mutual respect and agonising persistence. Slowly, you had chipped away his hard exterior; the one he built because he thought he needed to push people away. In that regard, you were similar, but this need manifested in you like a weed - an awful, awful compulsion to joke and laugh at your own expense, to keep others at an arm's length. You had spent your whole life picking and pruning away at yourself, looking for perfection. Even after all this, multiverse-hopping and fighting alongside people who were the closest things you had to friends , it wasn't enough. There was still something missing. 

Ironically, Miguel had told you something similar the one of the last times you had spoken. You had fucked up a mission, well and truly. In the aftermath, all you can remember is coming back to base, limping on Jessica's arm. 

"She's hurt!" She cries out. Lyla materialises and leads you both to the med bay, inspecting any visible wounds. There's a deep laceration, sticky with blood, at the base of your stomach. You shift onto the bed and hiss with pain. 

Miguel is quick to follow, face twisted with confusion, pain, sadness. Even in your haze, you feel the tension radiating off of him as he drags over a cart of supplies. 

"What happened?" He strains. 

"I don't even… it happened so fast. We got ambushed, and all of a sudden I'm on the ground. I wasn't thinking straight and… " She sobs. "...she jumped in front of me. God, she saved my life-" 

"-wasn't your fault, Jess." You croak, trying to sit up. "And I'm fine. Just need to walk it off…"

"Sit, bichita," His nickname makes you frown, despite yourself, and you settle back down. "Lyla, what's the damage?"

Your vision goes spotty, and Lyla's voice barely registers. All you can feel is searing pain in your side, but Miguel is warm, oh so warm. You clutch his arms, and force him to look you in the eye. 

"M'ready, Miguel." He nods weakly, but you don't think he understands. "I mean it . I can lead, j-just need another chance and I won't let you down… Jess, tell him that I can-" 

"It's okay. I believe you. You just need to relax for me, hmm?" He clutches at your hand, tight, and it's like you're the only two people in the world. "You did good. I promise."

Faintly, you nod. You feel a pinch at your arm, and Jessica's there, with an empty vial of something in her hands. The pain washes over you, and you fight to keep your eyes open. In those last few moments of light, you swear you feel a shaky kiss pressed to your temple. 

"Sleep, mi bichito amoroso. Sleep."

When you come to, you're still in the medbay, moonlight streaming through. Well, artificial moonlight. Time worked a little differently here, something Miguel explained to you a while ago - God knows what about dilation and quantum interference. It makes you smile now, remembering his frustration as he tried to explain to no avail. You were the only spiderman this side of the multiverse without a degree in quantum tech, you had said with a lopsided smile. 

You move to sit, and pain shoots up your side. Groaning, you push through it, determined to get out of this bed and find the others. As if on cue, Miguel walks in, almost leaping towards you. 

"You should… mierda ! You should be resting in bed."

You pout as you stumble into his chest. He hooks an arm around you and leads you back. You clamber in, sighing. "M'fine, O'Hara."

"Your guts were halfway out of your body less than 24 hours ago. So stay put, or you might give me another heart attack."

You scoff, incredulous. "You were worried?" 

He shrugs. " 'Course I was."

"Why? You know I'm practically indestructible." You give him a shit eating grin, and poke the frown appearing at his brow. He doesn't bat you away like he usually does. 

"Famous last words, bichita." He sighs. You can't speak a lick of Spanish, but you know he only calls you that word when you've frustrated him to his limit. So you take it as a win, for now. 

He drops into the chair next to you. "How are you feeling?" 

"Just peachy, dollface." You wink, and he doesn't so much as groan. 

"I'm being serious. You went through something pretty traumatic…"

"You want me to tell you it hurts, so, so bad, daddy? " You pout and flutter your eyelashes mockingly. Miguel shifts in his seat, unable to make eye contact. 

"That's not what I meant."

"What did you mean, O'Hara? I feel fine. And in a couple of days, I'll feel even better, and I'll be up and about. I can finish what we started and-" 

"-no, absolutely not." He frowns. "A couple of days? I'm sending you home-" 

"You can't do that! On whose fucking authority?"

"On the authority of you almost fucking died ! Keeping you safe is our priority right now-" 

"God, is this my punishment? This is a low blow, O'Hara. You know how hard I've worked for this: months of surveillance and intel a-and I did everything by the book, just like you told me to." You croak. "I fucked up . I know that, and I feel terrible. Give me a chance to make things right; that's all I'm asking. I can do it, I know it. "

He looks at you for a moment, something heavy in his expression. His face contorted, he strips you down to the bone with just his gaze. His voice is so quiet, you almost miss it. 

"....you're still trying to prove yourself, aren't you?"

Honestly, it catches you off guard. You don't even know what the fuck that means, let alone why he said it.

"I don't… I d-don't…?" 

"They all love you. Respect you. More than me I think, sometimes." He chuckles at that. "You're good at what you do. The best . What else are you trying to prove? What else do you need ?" 

Your throat goes dry. You couldn't speak if you wanted to. 

"I'm not punishing you. You made a mistake, but you don't need to be crucified for it. I just want to keep you safe. I can't… we can't lose you."

"Miguel-"

"-this isn't a discussion. And I'm not trying to argue, although I know how much you like to argue." He inches closer, cupping your face gently. You try to move away, blinking back tears. But his hands are steady and he strokes your jaw with so much tenderness you think you hear your heart break. He's pretty, so pretty. You don't deserve him, you think. "There'll be time to fight, bichita. Rest. That's your mission right now."

"C-can't sleep." You breathe. "It hurts." 

Miguel pauses, head tilted like he's thinking. He taps your shoulder. "Scoot over."

You do as he says, and he slips into the bed with you. It's a tight fit, but he manages, placing you on his chest with an arm gently around your shoulders. You bury your face in his hoodie, sniffling and hoping he doesn't notice you choking back sobs. Absentmindedly, he settles into a rhythm, gentle breathing and playing with your hair, soothing you softly. He pretends he can't hear the tears. 

"M'gonna stay here until you're asleep. For as long as you need."

You nod, unable to speak for fear of breaking down. 

~~~

The days after felt like a blur. You woke up to Miguel gone, and an ache in your heart. Jess visits as much as she can, and Ben calls you a couple times, to see if you're okay. Peter B brings Mayday, and she clambers all over your bed, bringing some life into the room. Miguel doesn't visit per se - you hear whispers of him, Lyla visiting in his stead for comprehensive status updates. Once, you wake up in the night to see him on the adjacent chair, head lolling in deep sleep. He looks peaceful, calm - one of the first times you haven't seen his brow furrowed with worry. Of course, he's gone by the morning. 

The very last time you saw him, he opened the portal home. It was weird, after everything, but if Miguel felt the same you wouldn't know. Talking at a thousand miles a minute, he alternates between assuring you they'll be fine without you and situation reports from spider people all across the multiverse. Things you'd missed whilst bedbound, asking for advice before you left. He trusted your judgement and the thought warmed your heart, almost making you forget that he completely brushed past the previous nights before. 

You still remember the last thing he had said to you, which would've been weeks ago, now. 

"...and if you need anything, and I mean anything, you call me directly. Not Jess, not Ben, and certainly not Peter B. Call me, and I'll answer, I promise. You need help, you need advice, you just need someone to talk to, then-"

"-I call you. I get it, O'Hara. Will do." He opens the portal, watching as you walk towards it. He can't take his eyes off of you, even though you can't see him. At the last moment you turn, and run towards him. You almost knock him over with a hug. Burying his head in the crook of your shoulder, he hugs you back, ever careful of your injury. Separating, your smile almost knocks him over again. Weakly, he smiles back as you head through the portal, back home. 

You're left with that feeling, of his arms around your body - warm, so warm - as you putter about by the switchboard. After careful deliberation (you were really, really bored ) you'd taken to manage the Multi Modal Multiversal Switchboard - as aptly named by Miguel. Everyone else called it the Big Red Phone of course, but he had insisted on calling it by its proper name . Every. Time. 

The thought makes you chuckle as you call up Peter B. His icon flashes on the screen in front of you. With a click, he picks up the call, his face materialising holographically in front you. A little hand reaches up and tugs at his ear. 

"Ow… ouch … Dad's on the phone, honey."

"Aww! How's my favourite Parker doing?" 

"Not bad, actually! MJ just made us probably the best burger this side of New York-"

"-sorry, Peter? Me and May are trying to have a conversation." You hear her giggle in the background. Her gap toothed grin pops into frame and she babbles excitedly. "...yeah, exactly May. That's literally what I said."

"Okay, okay, that's enough." He puts the toddler down and watches her scurry away. "You're feeling better, I see."

"Yeah, back in action. Thought I'd check in."

"All good here." He squints, trying to take in your surroundings. "You're at HQ?" 

You hum.

"Could've sworn Lyla cancelled…"

"Yeah, didn't get the memo. But I think something's wrong with O'Hara."

He gives you a weird look. "Uhhh, what makes you think that?" 

"He won't even look at me. Was it something I said? Something I did?" Your eyes narrow. "...what do you know, Peter?"

"Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" He scoffs, a little too quickly, clutching his chest like you've offended him. He's stared down some of the scariest villains around, but the look you give him is truly chilling. "Just… uhhh. You didn't hear this from me." 

"Naturally…"

"We tracked 'em down, the guys that ambushed you and Jessica."

"The Sinister Six? From Earth-215?"

"Yeah, but by the time we got there, it was just Kraven and some of his goons. Miguel got there first, and…." He gulps. "He was pissed. Trashed the whole place looking for the rest of 'em. Beat Kraven half to death and we had to pull him off."

"Shit."

"Yeah, it was pretty rough. Never seen him like that before. And just generally? He'd been weirdly quiet, a little grumpy, more aggressive on missions. I don't know what's gotten into him."

"Hmmm. Thanks, Pete."

"No problem, sweetheart. And if the big guy asks… "

"...this didn't come from you, I know." Weakly, you smile. "Say hi to my favourite Parkers, for me." 

" 'Course I will. We should celebrate, if you're back officially. Mine and MJ's is always open."

"Good to know. I'll see you around."

He waves goodbye, and the hologram clicks off. Sighing, you try to piece together what you've just heard. 

Miguel: acting weird. Well, you knew that already. Aggressive was new. And Lyla? She had canceled, but not for you, for some reason. An honest mistake, perhaps. But Lyla doesn't make mistakes… 

You stew for a couple of hours, puttering about the switchboard, twiddling your thumbs. Something's wrong, and for some reason you're afraid to see him. To have him look straight through you, again, when you ask to do the same. Show me where it hurts. Tell me how to make it better.  

On the way there, you chew your lip in anticipation. In the corridor, you're outside the door to his place, hand hovering above the door. To knock, to call. In the harsh fluorescent light, you hesitate. 

"Lyla?" Nervously, you sink down onto the floor. It's hard to explain, but you don't expect her to actually come; to materialise in front of you. 

"How can I assist you?" She says with a ding. 

"Uhh… hi. Just wanted to talk." You pause, clicking your tongue. "Can you be honest with me?" 

"I can only be honest with you. It is not in my programming to lie, unless specified by my owner."

"Sure. Cool. It's about him, actually. Is Miguel okay?" 

She tilts her head, as if processing your request. "Okay is a subjective term. Is Mr O'Hara alive? Yes. Is Mr O'Hara physically well? Yes. By those terms, he is okay ."

Too vague for your own liking. "I guess I meant more… his emotional state. To the best of your knowledge… in your opinion , Lyla: is Miguel okay?" 

"...I believe Mr O'Hara is experiencing some emotional turmoil."

You frown. "Oh. Do you know why?" 

"Mr O'Hara has instructed me not to disclose that information with you."

"Fair enough. But you don't have to tell me… I could just ask questions?" 

She nods. "There is nothing in my programming that prevents me from answering some questions within certain parameters." 

"Did I do something? Not just today but… last time I was here. Did I say something to hurt or upset him? Is that why he's acting weird?"

"No." She says blankly. "And yes. I suppose it is… complicated." She gestures around that word. 

"I'm a little confused, Lyla."

She sits next to you, on the cool tile. Not that she could feel it, but it feels more intimate - like two friends talking. The extent of Lyla's consciousness, you weren't sure of. Was she alive? To you, she might as well be. Could she think, feel, emote? Maybe, maybe not. You weren't smart enough to understand the nuances of her programming. But you were human enough to see it in her - something glittering beyond the surface. 

It could be projection, but you swear her voice is softer. "He has a name for you. When he speaks about you, and to you. I have it logged in my memory database. Do you know what that is?" You shake your head. 

Lyla opens up her palm and projects videos and images - little Miguel's popping up in her palm, tinny and gruff voices ringing through the hallway. They say your name, shout your name, whisper it. Some say other things in Spanish. Curse words had always been your assumption, and he had given you no reason to think otherwise. Now, having it played back to you, you hear a tenderness in his voice you would've missed. Words and phrases that come up again and again…

"Bichita." She repeats. "Bichito del amor. Mi bichito amoroso. "

You shake your head, still confounded. "...I don't speak Spanish, Lyla." 

"Little bug. Sweetheart. Lovebug. My little lovebug." She clears her throat. "I believe they are terms of endearment."

Steadfast, she directs you towards her palm. Another small Miguel appears, and you think it's him from this morning. 

"I thought I told you not to let anyone in, Lyla?" 

"I did not let her in. She let herself in using the code you previously gave her, Mr O'Hara."

"Yeah, for emergencies. Fuck. Mi bichita, too smart for her own good."

"...If you are in distress, I believe she would understand, Mr O'Hara."

"I just think it's too much. I don't want her to see me like this." 

"According to Alchemax files, previous subjects showing this kind of aggression benefitted from-"

"Lyla, it's not happening, no chance. I can't tell her."

The figure blinks out of her palm. "Mr O'Hara has forbid me from telling you about certain things."

"...but not from showing me." Your eyes meet hers. You give her a watery smile. "Thank you." 

With a hint of a smile, she nods and is gone from the corridor. You are left alone, with nothing but your thoughts of little lovebugs rattling around in your brain.

_

_

_

#miguel o hara x reader #miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o'hara #spiderman 2099 #spiderman 2099 x reader #across the spiderverse #kat_writes😼 #this gif is fucking crazy btw

[areislol]

"would you kiss me for $10 or the hottest person in the world for $1000?"

ft— blade, gepard, dan heng, jing yuan, luocha, welt, sampo, luka, argenti, dr. ratio

warning — none, just fluff! might be ooc, established relationship, gn! reader, no yanqing for this ;( mentions of kissing, might be cringe..? chinese names are simplified. not proofread.

a/n— y'all i apologize if they're ooc (can't justify it i haven't even played hsr yet) so yes. ENJOY as this is my second time writing for 'em

wordcount. 4.2k

刃 blade

✧ .... he knew it was one of those.. silly media questions that couples do to one another. and he hates you for actually doing them (not really he loves you too much)

✧ he continued to stay silent as he sat on the bench, watching as you sat beside him—anticipating for his response that will decide whether or not he will sleep on the couch or not.

✧ "ugh you big bum just answer the question!!" you groan, slumping down on the bench.

✧ blade cocks his head and raises his brow, smirking at you. "you mean the complex question that will probably lead you unhappy if i don't say the answer you were hoping for and then not talk to me for the next couple of hours as you're petty and—"

✧ you quickly shut him up with your palm over his mouth, you were now mad at him for being too god damn right. warmth spread to your cheeks as you stared at him, completely flustered.

✧ "you better shut that mouth of yours baldie." you threaten, still keeping your palm over his mouth when you felt the icky, wet and textured feeling gliding across your palm, it was his tongue.

✧ wasting no time you pulled your hand back and stared at your palm before vigorously wiping it on your shirt, absolutely disgusted. "ewwww!! and you still haven't answered my question!!" you pout.

✧ blade huffs (he's very sassy), "yeah not after calling me baldie. i'm not even bald." he was so serious about it, it was very amusing to you.

✧ you pout even more, scooching closer to him. "okay i'm sorry for calling you baldie.. and yes you aren't bald. now will you please answer my question?!" blade continues to glare at you, thinking about his answer. well, he was only pretending to anyway.

✧ he already knew his answer the second the question slipped out of your mouth, obviously, kiss you for $10 (credits). even if it was for $1000 he could easily get that amount of money in a day and plus, you are the most hottest person in the entire universe.

✧ but he decided to tease you, he put on his thinking face, tapping his finger on his chin. "hm... i really don't know it's so hard to choose..." he hums, looking down at your face as he smirks in amusement at your silly little mad face.

✧ "so hard? SO HARD FOR WHAT????" you asked, leaning in closer. oh you were for sure getting irritated now.

✧ blade chuckles before engulfing you in a tight hug as you sat on his lap, face buried in his chest. "of course kiss you for $10, i don't need $1000 anyway."

✧ "what about the pretty part?" "you are the hottest of them all, y/n."

✧ you hummed in content, happy with his answer before speaking again. "see, it wasn't a trick question at all." blade rolls his eyes. "uh huh... so you weren't going to quote-on-quote, 'ground' me if i said the wrong answer?"

✧ "....no...."

✧ (btw he was still a lil hurt when you called him baldie. like wow, it really hit him deep)

杰帕德 gepard

✧ the second you asked him the question he did not hesitate and answered within 1 billion light speed.

✧ "you of course! i don't want to a random stranger who i don't know for $1000, i don't need that money when i have you."

✧ "oh— gepard—" yeah, you almost burst into tears at his answer. it was so geniune, sweet and adorable. even his face said it all!! he looked at you with such sincere eyes as he told you his reply!!

✧ gepard almost freaked out thinking he said the wrong thing when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he immediately held onto your shoulders, apologizing if he did anything wrong.

✧ you shake your head no and wipe away your tears dramatically, "n—no i'm fine gepard i'm just— i didn't expect you to say your answer so quickly! when i saw other couples doing it the other person is always hesitating or something."

✧ gepard is confused, was this a test or something? (poor baby doesn't know) and so you have to explain to him what the trend is all about and all that jazz.

✧ he doesn't think that it's a bad trend or anything, if anything he encourages you to ask him more questions!! anything you ask, he will reply asap 100%!!

✧ and so you asked more questions.

✧ "you don't care about the money gepard? that's a lot though, $1000!" you exclaim, gepard shakes his head and smiles, "i already said why i don't need that money, love, i don't need the money when i have you, you're priceless."

✧ EUGHHHHHHHHH HE JUST HAS TO HIT YOU WITH THAT. you smiled back and gave him a kiss on his cheek before backing away. "that's so sweet of you... okay next question, who is the hottestperson in the world?"

✧ gepard only stares into your eyes, mesmerized by your face, his eyes are trained on you and only you as his thumb caresses your cheek. "you, of course, you're the most hottest.. although i'd rather use prettiest instead, you are the most prettiest and amazing person in the entire universe."

✧ safe to say his face was peppered with kisses after that, not that he minds it.

丹恒 dan heng

✧ "what kind of question is that?" is the first thing he says, looking at you in confusion as he closes the book he was reading.

✧ you had just entered his room, phone in hand before asking him the question out of the blue so he assumed you saw something from the media which now... lead to this.

✧ you shrug, going back to your question. "don't be trying to change the topic, what would you do? kiss me for $10 or kiss the hottest person in the world for $1000?" you repeated, your brows furrowing. to dan heng, it was crazy scary how you looked right now, so desperate for his answer.

✧ "well obviously the hottest person in the world for $1000, that' so much money!" he replied, knowing what this was going to lead him to. "......so... you would kiss the most hottest person in the world for more money?"

✧ dan heng cringes as he nods his head slowly. your eyes narrowed as you began to glare at him, soon, you stormed out of his room, pissed, and with a right as well.

✧ dan heng sighs in defeat before getting up from his seat and following you to where you always went when you were mad, to the kitchen.

✧ and he was right, you were in the kitchen just snacking on food you just bought the day before, when you spotted him you turned around, your back facing him. "baby c'mon im sorry i was just joking.."

✧ hearing him call you "baby" did something to you but you didn't want to give in just yet. you were mad at him still. you pout (not like he can see you but still) and continue to munch on your food angrily.

✧ "i didn't mean to, i promise i was just joking. i would much rather kiss you for $100 i pinky swear." .... "pinky swear?" "pinky swear."

✧ safe to say you accepted his apology as he absolutely peppered your face with millions of kisses before engulfing you in his arms.

✧ "you're ridiculous..." dan heng sighs, resting his eyes. "yeah well you love me so" well, he can't deny that.

景元 jing yuan

✧ jing yuan is definenetly doing the mathematical calculations in his head right now. because what in tarnation are you talking about?!

✧ he stares at you like you're crazy for a second before sighing, looking down and closing his eyes shut (he reminded you a lot like a disappointed dad...)

✧ "what do you mean? why are you asking me this out of the blue..." for one, he is a tad bit afraid that if he says the wrong thing you will sentence him to three (3) days to sleep on the couch, yeah, you banish him from your SHARED bedroom multiple times when he said the "wrong thing".

✧ you repeat your question again, waiting for his answer. "what a silly question, i would kiss you of course, with or without the $10." he breathed, planting a kiss on your forehead before pulling away and smirking, he knew that that was what you wanted to hear and the kiss was the cherry on top.

✧ for a few seconds you just sat there, too flustered to do anything. YES YOU KNEW IT WAS JUST A FOREHEAD KISS BUT IT'S JING YUAN OKAY

✧ "hm? is something the matter, my love?" he questions, leaning in closer to your face, he was much more taller than you (obviously) so he was quite literally towering over you, his face was so close to yours.

✧ you shake your head before going in for a small and chaste kiss and closing your eyes, you can feel the smile on his lips as he pulls you closer to him by your waist and deepens the kiss. your brain was starting to get fuzzy as you felt more and more delirious. jing yuan just knew how to make you fold.

✧ "hey! this isn't an excuse to make out with me you know?" you pull away breathless, looking quite dazed just for this "simple" kiss. jing yuan hums, resting his head on your shoulder before speaking up.

✧ "you know you love it." at his words you sigh and shake your head, "well i can't deny that..." you reply with a smile as you run your fingers through his soft hair.

✧ a few minutes go by in silence, you assume that jing yuan was asleep by how calm and quite he was, when the silence was broken. "does this mean i can sleep in our shared bedroom?"

✧ your brows furrowed at his words, was that all he was thinking about? "mmmmmmm now that you mentioned it..." "no." you chuckled, patting his head. "i know i know, yes, you get to sleep in our shared bedroom."

罗刹 luocha

✧ "what an odd question.." luocha replies, observing your very serious face. he found it amusing how you looked so serious after asking such a silly question.

✧ you whine and shake his arm, "just answer the question luocha it is very serious!! i need to know your answer!!" .... okay yes apparently it was very serious as you literally called him by his name and not some cute nickname.

✧ luocha offers you a soft and tender smile, the one he always does every time he spots you and or is with you (it never fails to make you swoon), "of course you, i don't need the money when i have you, are you doubting something my dear?"

✧ you shake your head at his words, happy with his answer. "no, everything's fine don't worry! thanks lychee." luocha then engulfs you in a hug all of the sudden, the scent of flowers filled your nose as his hair tickled your face.

✧ "your hair's in my face babe—" you mumble, moving the strands of hair off your face. luocha quickly apologized before pulling away, he cups your cheeks and stares deep into your eyes, which confused you.

✧ luocha continues to stare at you for a good hot minute, he was thinking about something. "say, did anything happen to you that prompted you to ask me that question? did someone do something? did i do something wrong?"

✧ he's so cute. anyway, you shake your head. "no, why?" luocha sighs in relief before taking his hands off your cheeks. "i don't know i assumed something happened that made you question me with that.. question. thank the lord i didn't do anything."

✧ kissing his cheek, you sighed dramatically, "well actually something did happen.. a certain somebody hasn't given me any attention for the past couple of hours"

✧ luocha playfully rolls his eyes, "my fault, princess/prince" and that's how he ended up peppering and littering you with kisses all over your face and no, you couldn't escape him even if you wanted to.

瓦尔特 welt

✧ if you keep asking him such questions he's only going to age more, physically, you're going to give him too many wrinkles if you keep on making him furrow his brows and frown.

✧ all you can hear is him heaving a great big sigh as he sets his mug down on the table, staring down at you. "the hottest person in the world?" he asks, you nod your head while smiling, you somewhat knew his answer already.

✧ "well it's you of course." he replied without any hesitation, you hummed and gave him a peck on his cheek. "right answer."

✧ "but why $10 only? you're worth more than that you know." he added, you only shrugged your shoulder. "i don't know it's what the text says" "the text?" "yeah, look!" you held your phone up and pointed at the screen where there was a couple, one of the partner asked a question—the same one you asked him.

✧ the other partner states that they would kiss the most hottest person in the world for $1000, it then showed a clip of the person sleeping on the couch. the answer was easy really, welt didn't understand how bad one person can mess something up.

✧ "well he was stupid, answer was easy." you agreed and put your phone away. "simple right? i knew you would say the right thing" you continued, welt only smiles in pride. "of course, i know what you want to hear, but i hope you know i would never kiss a random person, even if they were the hottest."

✧ your heart melts as he speaks, his words really sinking into you. "awwhh welt~" next thing he knows you're absolutely hugging the shit out of him (and rubbing your face in his chest), not that he minds.

桑博 sampo

✧ "well would you kiss me for $10 or kiss the hottest person in the world for $1000?" sampo repeated your own question back in a somewhat sassy tone. you were a bit shocked to say the least, i mean, how dare he not answer your question but answer your question with the same exact question!! (same energy ykyk)

✧ but obviously, you're used to his antics as you roll your eyes playfully, closing your phone. "seriously, shampoo. answer the question." "woah woah—shampoo? i said to call me anything but that!" he whines as he uses his hands to talk (as usual), very much exaggerating everything.

✧ you shrug your shoulders with an unamused "hmph" and don't reply any futhur. sampo dramatically sighs in defeat. "but babes, if you really think about it $1000 is a lot of money.." you raise your brow at his answer. "you're only thinking about the money?"

✧ sampo shakes his head, he grabs a hold of your hands while looking at you so sincerely it kind of scared you as he was always so... non-serious. "no, of course not. but just think about all the things i can buy for you...and me...food, flowers, more food, clothes and so much more! wouldn't you want all of that?"

✧ you think about it for a second and replied, "well although those are nice, wouldn't you much rather kiss me instead for $10? we can.. still buy something with $10, plus my kiss is unlike any other!"

✧ "yeah, i know." sampo snickers, upon his reply you narrow your eyes at him, your unamused face screamed "what do you mean by that?" in a menacing type of way. sampo quickly clears his throat before you could get any ideas (you had already gotten a few).

✧ "what i'm tryna say is that yes, i would rather kiss you for $10 but.. i think—" you immediately cut him off with a solemn face. "sh. i don't want to hear anymore of you." sampo can see that you're visibly upset at his answer. shit. he didn't mean to say the wrong thing.

✧ his grip on your hand tightened as he moved in closer to you. "no, wait babe i didn't mean that. i was just playin' i promise i would rather kiss you, your kisses are a one in a billion and i really don't care about the money and—" once again, you cut him off, but for a good reason this time.

✧ you giggle softly and shush him up with your index finger pressed up against his soft lips. "i know what you mean sampo, don't go on a big rant now you aren't in trouble." a clear sigh could be heard from sampo. "thank the stars.."

✧ " but babe! you haven't even answered my question." you gawk at sampo. "... oh well..."

✧ and now it was your turn to tease him, be prepared for a pestering and probing sampo!

卢卡 luka

✧ luka is quite stunned at first because for one, the question was out of nowhere, and two, WHAT DID HE DO THAT MADE YOU QUESTION HIM (you have a habit of asking him random questions out of nowhere)

✧ "did i do something wrong?!" is the first thing he says, he says it like it's urgent it caught you off-guard. you shake your head no and chuckle. "no, why? it's just a question don't worry."

✧ as you both were beside each other, sitting down on your couch, luka leans in closer to you where his nose is just barely touching yours. "well.." he whispers before giving you a long and tender kiss on your lips, it was soft and delicate, it wasn't intense or hot—just simple.

✧ "you, obviously." he begins as he pulled away slowly, his deep, sparkling blue eyes staring down at yours so softly and genuinely. "plus in my eyes you're the most prettiest person in the entire world, actually—no, in the universe!" the way he beamed at you as he spoke his words made your heart flutter. he was so sweet.

✧ luka's sweetness and innocence of a child (not quite literally) never failed to make you tear up, his charisma and optimistic personality pulled you in. but back to the moment. "awww luka you're too sweet ☹️" your cute lil pout made luka's head jump out of his chest and right back in, you were all too adorable.

✧ "oh you know it's nothing.. just stating the facts!" he chuckles, wrapping an arm around your neck and pulling you closer to him where your hips touched each other.

✧ luka rested his head on top of yours, his chest heaving up and down calmly. "wait, so you would kiss me even if you only got $10 other than $1000?" you asked, not bothering to move your body to face him.

✧ "yup! i would still kiss you for free too, money or not. if you still don't believe me.." luka lifted his head off yours as he faced you, you mirrored his actions and turned to face him. "hm?"

✧ luka began to kiss your face, first your cheeks, then it was your nose, then your forehead and finally, you're lips. this time he pressed his lips onto yours for longer as he used his left hand to cup your cheek. everything about this moment was wonderful.

✧ when he finally lets go, you both are left breathless and yet still yearning for more. "do you believe me now?"

银枝 argenti

✧ argenti is quick with his response, catching you off-guard. he was just standing out in the public (well more like posing to you and other people as he always looks like he's a model posing for his pictures) when you came running to him with your phone in hand, looking quite excited. which got him excited as well.

✧ but despite the silliness of the question he quickly answers your question with no hesitation. "why, you of course. i would kiss you any day, anytime and anywhere." he spoke with such sincerity and calmness it instantly made you fold. his soft and luminous grey eyes boring into yours.

✧ argenti moves in closer to you where his chest is looming over you. but even if he was taller than you, you were quite used to him doing that so you weren't afraid at all. "why do you ask?" you shake your head and smile up at him, happy with his answer. "nothing special!!"

✧ argenti stays silent for a couple of seconds before cupping your cheeks with his hands, your hands reaching to hold his with yours, the cold, hard metallic texture. you stare up at him, confused, but don't speak. you wait for him to do whatever he needed to do.

✧ before you knew it he had leaned down, his lips barely touching yours, his hooded eyes staring down at your lips. a kiss. his lips were so warm and soft, they did not part whatsoever, it was just soft, slow, gentle and sensual kiss. his lips were softly pressed against yours for a good hot second when he gradually pulled away, the tingling and exciting sensation still lingered on your lips.

✧ when both of your lips parted, it seemed like you two had forgotten that you were out in public, unaware of the many stares that were coming your way (i mean can you blame them? they are witnessing a very gorgeous couple passionately kissing. but not in that way.)

✧ after argenti pulled away and observed your face for any signs of discomfort the corners of his lips began to pull up after seeing you smile shyly. you were so adorable. "and that would be $1010." he whispered, gently pinching your cheeks.

✧ a cheerful and tender grin grows on your face at his words. but before you could utter a word or sound your eyes land upon a rose being held right in front of you by argenti. his signature rose.

✧ "a freshly picked flower for you, my rose." he breathed, his other hand pressed against his chest as he slightly bows. what a gentlemen he is. you smile in embarrassment before gratefully take his flower and slightly bowing before thanking him and smelling the rose. "thank you so much! it's breathtaking...."

✧ "just like you."

真理医生 dr. ratio

✧ "be completely and utterly serious with me with me right now." you added, using big words to really make him think about it. not like he ever does (he's always thinking logically).

✧ ratio sighs, yes, he gave you that sigh. "what? don't give me that sigh. just tell me your answer and then go on with your life again!" you said, doing your sigh this time. ratio is clearly and visibly thinking about his answer.

✧ "wow. are you really thinking about your answer?" you spoke, raising your brow in complete confusion. ratio shoots you a stare and shakes his head. "yes, really, but the answer is simple, you." although his answer was what you wanted to hear you wanted to know why. i mean, he was your boyfriend after all but still.

✧ "i thought you said you would let me go on with my life after answering your non-sensical question." he replied bluntly, cocking his head to the side. you mumbler under your breath as he was right. "yes well just one more thing, please?" and of course, he could never say no to you.

✧ "simply because i love you. i don't need to kiss anybody, especially a random stranger that is quote-on-quote, extremely attractive, for $1000 or more. even if somebody offered me a million i wouldn't take it, simply because they are not you. your kisses are different and have a different feel compared to theirs. and i am 100% positive that their lips are probably not the best unlike yours. not only that but it would be completely unreal for me to meet someone extremely attractive in the world as nobody is. but to me, you are the most wonderful and amazing person i have ever met. and not only that but—"

✧ you roll your eyes playfully before shushing him up with a finger pressed up against his lips. "okay okay i get it smarty pants" you giggled, removing your finger from his lips. ratio only grinned upon your words.

✧ "hm, well that's a good response. you're the best!" you beamed before kissing his temple and pulling away, heat rushing to your cheeks.

✧ as you were about to walk away you stopped in your tracks, causing him to stop what he was doing and looking your way. you turned around, facing him. "did you mean everything you said?" you questioned softly. the corners of ratio's lips curled up. "of course, i promise."

note: if you would like to be added to the honkai star rail taglist pls just ask me!! dont be shy

taglist 🏷️ : @sanestlyneyfan @akhiran @elenasstxarr @irantoyouwithoutthinking @stygianoir (if i forgot to tag you i apologize! dm me/send an ask to be in the taglist if you want.

liking + following + reblogs are very much appreciated!!

another note: second hsr post YAY I HOPE Y'ALL ENJOY THIS

#hsr x reader #honkai star rail x reader #blade x reader #dan heng x reader #jing yuan x reader #gepard x reader #luocha x reader #welt x reader #sampo x reader #luka x reader #argenti x reader #dr ratio x reader #honkai star rail x you #hsr x you #—✧ · . fandom: honkai star rail

[actual-changeling]

we do not talk enough about the moment right before crowley puts his sunglasses back on. the "nothing lasts forever" is devastating and if you're like me your eyes were so full of tears you couldn't see the screen the first time you watched it (just like crowley, look at us all twinning in sadness!).

there is a shift that happens in his eyes and i think it is absolutely fascinating and heartbreaking at the same time.

we begin with crowley averting his gaze from aziraphale's face and staring off into the distance instead, and you can see his spirit break. that crowley just lost the one thing in the world he cannot live without and we can see it written across his face like a neon sign.

then, as you'd expect, he gives into the need to cover up his pain, to try and make himself less vulnerable, and even before he lifts his glasses he looks down so aziraphale can no longer see his eyes.

now, the next part is what would not let me out of its grasp all day. we know it happens because of his demeanour afterwards and up until the kiss, but you can actually watch as crowley makes himself numb to the world.

i am intimately familiar with dissociation as a trauma and stress response, and while you can never fully control it, you do eventually find the switch in your mind that makes you snap back into the haze. crowley has had six thousand years to get really, really good at leaving reality behind when he needs and/or wants to.

that's exactly what he does.

he still looks sad, and yet there's just something distinctly distant in his eyes, the shift from openly heartbroken to "i don't want to feel any of this let me leave".

glasses? on

emotions? off

hotel? trivago

i have stared at those four frames more than any person probably should and i don't know if it's the light, if i am going insane, or if there is a single tear sliding out of his right (our left) eye. i'm probably insane and the light is a bitch so if anyone has some high resolution shots or anything that could answer that question without a doubt PLEASE do add it.

by now you are probably ready to threaten me with a knife in a dark alley but before you do that or drive your car off a cliff, let me tell you the best part:

aziraphale notices.

they might be communicating on two different frequencies but aziraphale knows crowley. he knows and loves him, and, most importantly, over the last few years he has gotten used to seeing crowley without his glasses. aziraphale could probably write a book on the expressions in his eyes alone and watches that shift happen and is devastated.

look.

he tries to make himself hope the same second, tries to convince himself crowley is putting on his glasses so they can leave together, but he knows.

aziraphale sees the light leave crowley's eyes, sees crowley leave, knowing that he is quite literally running away from him. you and me against the world, angel, but in that moment crowley firmly pushes him back to "the world" (or tries to, anyway).

the entire season we see crowley take off his glasses whenever he enters the bookshop to the point where he's running around without them on in broad daylight with jimbriel right there.

can you imagine how hurt and confused aziraphale must be?

because what crowley is telling him, if we really, really break it down, is that aziraphale is no longer a safe person for him. and repairing that trust is going to take time and work, no matter how much crowley loves him, how badly they love and need each other.

anyway to seal this off and really rub in the pain - how it started vs. how it ended. <3

oh one last thing: now crowley no longer has a single person he can be himself around, no one that knows him, no one he trusts. no one in whose presence he can take his glasses off.

and outside of the bentley and his own flat, he no longer has a place to do so either. the bookshop was theirs. with aziraphale gone, is it really a safe place anymore? is it somewhere he can just let himself be knowing he will be looked after and protected?

easy answer: no.

alright, off i go. see y'all on the next angst post or in the tags.

#alex talks good omens #good omens #ineffable husbands #crowley #aziraphale #good omens season 2 #go2 #aziracrow #crowley x aziraphale #ineffable divorce #the final fifteen #good omens meta

[noxtivagus]

I LOVE FINAL FANTASY SO MUCH

#🌙.rambles #coping mechanism!!!! all left i have to do for school this week is just smth easy for math :] then after that it's the weekend n all #i will use fiction ! as an escape ! wooooo . my thoughts are suffocating. n i am so goddamn tired c: #fuck i am so tired of being trapped in my mind n being bind down by my past n everything. just everything #wait i feel like crying why is dynamis playing god i love ff sm.... i am actually crying rn it saved me. it really saved me back then. n no #i am such a goddamn slave to sentiment. to nostalgia. to memories n the past n everything i have lived through. it all means sm to me n #that's one reason why it hurts. i love it all so much but it's so fleeting it hurts.... oh this is bad i am actually crying a lot right now #how do i carry it all? how do i remember it all? i can't die i can't forget i can't deny all these bcs as much as it hurts #it reminds me that i'm alive yk? these memories these words serve as proof that. in the past. once upon a time it really was real #n the concept of reality is something i'm so weak to bcs it feels so lonely in my inner worlds #oh despite all this pain i'm still soft at heart huh. i'm crying so much. #so much thoughts i have. that i don't know how to write. but i try so much to share what i can despite how afraid i often get #when you live a life i have. in these worlds i have. in my head. it's so lonely. it's so so lonely #n. god ffxiv makes me so vulnerable in a way that. fiction is something that's. i really grew up with it being #sometimes even stronger or more present than my own reality #i've always loved the stars too. the moon. celestial beings. everything i've read in those books; whether it be fiction or non-fiction #but always. always something far from my reach. so to have something so real to be a part of #wait i'm crying even more i remember again HAHA fuck wait listening to dynamis rn is making me even more emotional #hermes as a character. i feel like he felt like he didn't belong. he wanted answers. to be understood. to understand. #n we're so similar in that regard. n i'm so weak to those sort of similarities yk? it means sm to me when i've always felt so different #ffxiv here is. it's fiction. so i can freely lose myself here. fly as high as i can without fear of. idk. maybe the #vulnerability n ephemerality of reality...? it's so beautiful. it really is n i wonder if i ever really belong there #sob i realize. there. i've been so accustomed to always reaching out futiley to something i can't have. does not exist. or yeah #reaching out to a past i cannot relive. just to remember again how it was exactly in those moments. or a future i'm uncertain of #or the present. which i'm not ever quite sure about what exactly it is. or what's going on. or myself. #understanding. understanding.... until i understand all i can of this world n finally accept that i too am living n real. i won't give up. #there's so much to life that will forever be left undone. i'll do as much as i can. so i can hold unto my humanity. unto reality. im crying #i did not expect to cry so much tonight;;; but maybe i still underestimate the pain i carry. i deserve too the kindness that i give others #because i'm human too. i'm young. n i know what that means to me. sm thoughts sm words it hurts sm im crying. but fuck that i'm still alive #i'm so confused i'm so lost. on what really is my reality. on who i am. god it's so overwhelming i don't know where to start it hurts .

[ao3commentoftheday]

any advice about how to deal with posting a fic and getting radio silence? I know ppl aren’t owed engagement ofc, but I feel embarrassed at having spent so long on something no one cares about, and although I liked thinking about the characters and fandom before (and was considering writing more about them), now I can’t think about it without feeling that overpowering embarrassment 😭 part of me wants to delete the fic, but that would mean having to open ao3 and look at it again LMAO

sorry for the venting, I know this is probably a me problem, but has anyone else felt this, and if so, is there any way to make this pervasive shame go away??

*hugs* This is a very painful thing to experience and there isn't really any way to make it just go away, unfortunately. However, you can reflect on it a bit, when you're ready to.

Writing and posting are separate activities. If you've enjoyed writing the story but you haven't enjoyed posting it to the Archive, you can always continue writing just for yourself. This may or may not be something you'd enjoy - you know better than I do whether some of your enjoyment came from the anticipation of a reaction to your work.

Try to analyze where your embarrassment is coming from. Is it worrying that your story was poorly written? A lack of a reaction doesn't mean that the story is bad. Being unpopular doesn't mean it's bad, either. If your story is good to you, then it's a good story.

Is your embarrassment from feeling like you were "caught trying." Is it a cringe at the idea that you put effort into something that someone else doesn't (appear to) find valuable?

Is it actually embarrassment at all? Are you feeling a different kind of hurt instead? Did you hope that someone in particular would read your story and now you feel ignored? Did you hope to be embraced by your community and now you feel shunned?

These are difficult questions that I'm asking and you might not want to think about them right now. That's okay. You don't need to if you don't want to. You can definitely delete the fic and pretend it never happened. Or you can log out of that AO3 account and create a new one and never look back. Maybe you just need to take a week or a month off for a hiatus of sorts and when the ache isn't as bad, you'll be able to face it all again.

When I felt this way, it was because I felt like I'd put something into my community and that I'd been ignored. But since that time, I've found one person who gives me all of the community support I used to get from an entire fandom, and now when I post something on AO3 I don't actually need a response anymore. I get all of the fun and excitement and validation etc from my conversations and RP threads with my best friend.

Once you've got a little distance from the pain of this moment, try to figure out what it is that you were hoping to get and then figure out how you can get it. Maybe it's through posting fic to AO3, but maybe it's not.

Let's see what others can suggest. This is not something you're experiencing alone, anon. So very many of your fellow fan writers have experienced this too ❤️

#asks and answers