#i'm trying not to be so harsh on myself

[allthisloveforyou]

so, with 3 episodes to go, i have to say i don't really know what to feel.

since there's still tomorrow's episode – and then next week's – i'm not entirely willing to form opinions yet. but on the other hand, some of these thoughts have been lingering in the back of my head for the past week or so and i need to put them into words.

thing is, i don't mind angst. it would be foolish of me not to expect it considering the way the story has unfolded and the themes of this drama and the fact that we're getting close to the end. so yeah, i don't mind angst – as long as it's done well. but you see, this is where my fear comes in.

bc i don't just want a happy ending, i want a good one. i want an ending that makes sense. i want an ending that does right by its story and its characters. i've seen how other dramas i've enjoyed (even loved) start to crash and burn within the last 2-4 episodes and it fucking hurts to spend all that time getting invested in a story only for it to fall apart right at the end. while i don't think castaway diva has been perfect so far by any means, i have considered it one of the best dramas of 2023 (that i've seen) and i would hate for that to change just bc of the ending. week after week i've sat on my couch, almost giddy with excitement, knowing there's a new episode waiting for me. and although i'd say i'm pretty easy to please, that doesn't actually happen all that often.

it's not just the happy ending that's important to me; it's how we get there as well. if it's only angst for angst's sake and everything that that entails – characters making choices that go against their previous actions and words or the story going around in the same old tired circles – then i don't want it.

#who knows honestly #i could be eating my words tomorrow night once i've watched ep 10 #and yes of course #there's no such thing as perfection #but i need this to end well #is that really too much to ask for #also: i still don't think i can convey my thoughts properly but whatever #i'm trying not to be so harsh on myself #this is mostly meant for me and my silly little blog #castaway diva #personal

[tradingjack]

having fun with colors for once :P

thanks @creepycoffins for the awesome dtiys :D

#creepycoffinsdtiys #trigun #millions knives #vash the stampede #i haven't drawn nearly enough knives. posted him even less #him and vash are so fun to draw :P ik they have the same face but it's like. fun to experiment with how different i can make them look yk #also admittedly. did most of this at work during downtime so if it looks funky..... my bad #the lighting isn't the greatest aight?? it's night shift and there's no windows but they do dim the lights #i did do the limited coloring i did at home lol. wasnt gon bring more art supplies to work #trying to get back into the swing of things with my drawing. i got myself a huion display for my birthday this year! #on top of my traditional i wanna do more animated stuff #primarily animated bc honestly i don't really wanna learn digital painting or whatever. im not interested in that and i like my harsh style #i'd also like to do more original work. i think last year was literally just trigun fanart lmfaoo #we'll see how things turn out ig #i'm not really holding myself to doing anything bc i don't see that turning out well. i am applying myself to more fan projects at the leas #tho those i'm applying more as a writer lmfao #well anyway. enough about me. i actually really like the drawing this was based off of! i didn't include the full body designs #and tbh vash's design is almost entirely cut out just cuz how the pose worked out :( #so i would highly suggest checking out the original art by the person i tagged! #and their other art's pretty banging as well :D

[theambivalentagender]

Me: God, I've spent the last ten minutes trying to get these fucking pupils lined up right and these eyes correctly sized and spaced. This is such a basic thing that I am completely fucking up. How could I have ever called myself an artist? No one will ever take you seriously if you can't figure out something this simple.

The Ace Attorney anime series:

#art rant #ace attorney anime #ace attorney #since I know there are people who hate on the anime I do wanna clarify I'm not one of them #I love the anime and I think it has a great style #this is more of an “if I can think this media is great when it has a 'glaring error' like this once in a while” #then maybe I shouldn't be this harsh on myself perhaps #heck it's not even that bad but it looked a lot like some of the eyes I've been staring at angrily trying to correct recently so

[untoterxhund]

either gonna remake again in the future and hand out the url privately or gonna clean out the followers list again me'thinks. so if you wanna stay mutuals and plan on writing w/ me in the future when I can actually dedicate time to doing so w/out any stressors or anxiety spikes then please, slap that heart real quick for me.

if not, it was a pleasure to write and talk for a bit and wish y'all good luck on your future endeavors 'n stuff.

#010 //: out of character. #am I trying to make it easier and less anxious on myself to write here? yes. why? too much trauma w/ discord rp servers to warrant trying #and tbh I shouldn't feel pressured or afraid to even post stuff here thinking that I'm gonna get harsh words or nasty side-eyes despite #the content not even being that bad or triggering at all compared to other things I've seen on my dash. #long story short i wanna be here but something is making me feel unwell/not be here but can't pin-point the cause so the solution is to wip #didn't I do something like this last month? yes. everyone has their coping mechanisms. mine is mhw and seeking the once a month validation #'cos it either feels like i'm just a number to most people or just the one partner they decide to write w/ 'cos their bored or something #I wanna be someone's fav. who they scream to @ 3am about muses and hcs not just another number to their follow count :( #all in all? I will reblog this the next few days just to ensure that everyone just a fair chance as this makes it's rounds before commencin #the purge/remake just as a /FAIR WARNING/.

[apatheticlexicographer]

MOTHERFUCK i did not realize how much those antidepressants made me feel physically psychologically and dare i say spiritually like a peat mummy

literally 2 days off them and i've experienced more joy, lucidity, motivation and general good vibes than i did in the whole 2 months i was on them 😭😭

#now granted i did only sleep for 3 hours #but i felt more refreshed and energized today than i ever did when the pills forced me into 8 hours of pseudo-death a night #MY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE IS BACK TO NEVER SHUTTING TF UP #it was practically bones for so long oml #i'm usually annoyingly verbose but i was only able to say like 5 words at a time before i forgot how to end my sentence #yeah i'm prolly gonna lose the rose tinted glasses in a few days when the novelty wears off but for now #it's so nice to feel like myself and not like a lobotomized skinwalker trying to wear my own mannerisms convincingly #(obvsly they help some ppl or they wouldn't be an option to prescribe but GOD they fit my brain chemistry as well as a fork fits an outlet) #<<<<<<I CAN DO THAT AGAIN!!! I MISSED MY STUPID METAPHORS AND MY BAD PUNS AND MY SLIGHTLY OUT OF POCKET JOKES #i was fucking trying but it fundamentally doesn't work if u Try #yoda moment but whatever #yippeee #god did they fucking '''cure''' my ADHD instead of my depression #ok if this is what some ppl's experience of ADHD meds is like then the 'they made me feel like a robot' thing makes a LOT more sense #personally they just make me feel like. yk that one comic abt ADHD with the dog metaphor #yeah amphetamines my beloved let me hold the leash rather than becoming a human dogsled to the whims of my psyche #actually i think i was rather uncharitable to my current dream mask normal pills #i just happened to get mega bitch burnout for 3 months and then spend 2 in the aforementioned peat bog where souls go to die #when not impeded by outside circumstances i think they actually are completely fine #maybe not QUITE as agressively effective as my previous prescription but the ritalin was str8 up harsh #i tried it again for a week and it made my heart beat like it was being powered by a caffienated hamster #but when i used to take it i was already experiencing Real paranoid gerbil anxiety so it just kinda blended in #i only noticed the Severe Health Issue i got bundled as a side effect #and i keep having to remind myself not to go rose-tinted abt how bad it rlly was in retrospect #do i just need to leave a sticky note on my mirror like 'hey dumbass that was NOT a net positive period of ur life' #lexi stfu challenge

[shoechoe]

I only lurked on the Internet for a long time and still do not post on most websites I visit but it really is nice to have a place where I can talk about things like animated shows and music and other assorted interests without being judged

#personal #i will go on and on and on about the things i like and IRL it makes people sick of me #especially because my friends when i was younger were mean about my interests #i remember one time (i was 13) i was hanging out w/ my friends and we were watching shows so i put on invader zim #and then in the middle they said ''turn it off this show is so stupid'' and the rest of the night they watched superstore #i had to uh... resist the urge to run and jump out the window the rest of the time #people including my parents would make fun of the music i liked since i was like 11 #it would get to the point where i would snatch my headphones out of people's hands and obsessively clear every tab so they wouldn't see it #i would also get made fun of because i was bad at drawing (by my own parents too) and was kind of awkward in general #it made me very self conscious about so many aspects of myself i really wasn't happy #i think i am only starting to get a little better about it #and i'll be honest i'm not innocent when it comes to making fun of people for harmless interests too. the behavior is contagious i think #i try not to do it now i'm not proud of it #not to be too incredibly vent-y. but i really like feeling more comfortable talking about things i enjoy somewhere #i have found more friends that have some similar interests to me now and old friends have apologized and gotten less harsh #which helps. but also posting paragraphs on the internet about random shit helps too

[psilactis]

as a person who grew up loving anime and seeing the relevance and importance of found family over blood family, and as a young queer adult who keeps reading about how important community is for a person whose very identity goes against the 'traditional family' it's (really) kind of disheartening to realize I'm never going to have my own found family. Especially when your blood family just... Isn't there

#Been thinking about this a lot #When I was a depressed pre teen I had accepted I was doomed to be alone #But then I found friends. Real friends #And I though. Hey. Maybe they could be my family #But as an adult going through an impossible situation with next to zero support or care I'm having to come to terms again #That I'm never really going to have that. A family. #Not unless I conform to what society expects of me and find a man to get married and have children with (I'd rather die) #It's been a rough few days while I come to terms with that #And try to come to terms AGAIN with the fact that my parents don't love or want me #I think it'd be easier if they just disowned me all together instead of making me go through this. #And it's horrible because I'm stuck in a situation I can't get out of very fast. It's a long process #Of getting a job and accumulating money so I can move out #And not getting the support from my parents but seeing my brother get it.... It drives me insane #I hate being o psych medication but I have to be or I'm going insane #I keep wanting to harm myself or kill myself and it takes everything in me to not make a harsh decision #Right now there is nothing keeping me going other than inertia of decisions I made a few months ago. #I have to keep moving because I'm terrified of what is going to happen if I stop. #Psych medication isn't helping. Therapy isn't helping. Exercising isn't helping. #I keep having dreams that I find someone who truly loves me and it's so.... Warm. Comfortable. Safe. I just want to keep asleep in them. #Forever. #It's a pain to wake up and realize I'm never having that in real life. Just a warm hug. #Yesterday I realized if I attempted suicide it would take people a few days to find out #And it's not because I don't talk to people. I do. But. It's always me starting conversations these days #If I don't say anything usually no one starts talking first #Which is fine you know? But also so lonely

[reginrokkr]

I've just come to the realization that I never stated something important about this blog in my rules (which I'll try to update tonight), but I was meaning to address that the view of a great part of the fandom doesn't represent my view of Dainsleif nor does it seem to reflect truly from what have of him in canon thus far. So if you have expectations that it will be that way, you're getting set for disappointment. Trust me that it's as upsetting to me to notice hints and clues of a lack of interest when people start to catch wind of this, so I might preface it before anything in hopes that it won't keep happening. If you'd like to have a bigger insight on what I mean, be my guest and take a look at this post.

Since I'm at it, I'm also going to say that I won't post plotting calls anymore, as I've realized that they simply don't work for me in more ways than one and it's not worth the headache with everything I have to worry about studies-wise, these take enough of my headspace to start stressing over something like this. That isn't to say that I don't enjoy plotting or that I won't plot at all, I adore it to bits. What I mean to say is that rather than being the one engaging into plotting, I'll either 1) like other people's plotting calls if there are any or 2) I'm leaving the door open for any of you to come poke me if you want to plot something. But it no longer will start from me.

#◟༺✦༻◞ what lays behind the mantle of faux stars ┊ooc.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ trust not the gods; nor overthrow them ┊psa.┊ #it's one of those low days for me #so I might as well curate myself #and be active in trying to avoid these #from keep happening to me #I'm deeply sorry if any of this sounds harsh #but it gets to a point where it's exhausting to me #and I want RP to keep being a nice experience to me #for the most part

[astrxealis]

good morning ^___^

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #i'll work on my homework for the coming week raghh only a bit left and then the next week after this next one #is the second to the last week but also most tasks are due then so hip hip hooray but also noooo #anyway my point is i'm stressed at the idea of more homework ... most of them are group projects so i'm kinda chill though #mostly just worried about doing my parts so i get good scores in yk. peer evals and shit. uhh and the indiv ones ew #i have time to work on that one the whole of next week but i'll try to finish the other three by this weekend #and then during the week wnvr i get new tasks i'll do them asap #but fuck projects lol i hate getting more homework come on #anyway i'll also try not to be harsh on myself for just getting a simple One mistake ..... this is a big problem with me it really sucks #but yeah that's it. sorry for rambling about me with school AKSBJDBAJD ANYWAY i dmed a bit w a good friend yesterday and #THEY ARE BACK INTO GBF AND FE3H LET'S FUCKING GOOO what a coincidence those are my favs at the very moment #+ xv hehe. anyway. YEAH like. so yeah. and then bestie but the wifi stopped working at night so i left her NOOO then played xv tho so ok #okay that's all i'm tired of typing HIII HAVE A GOOD DAY NOON EVE EVERYONE !! #don't forget you're important. for a lot of reasons but if you need one atm then it's you're important to me AYEEE <3 but fr yes #and then... take care of yourself! even if it's hard just the little things help and then you feel really good afterwards :] 💗✨ you got this

[noxtivagus]

evening has come again huh

#🌙.vent #i'm really sorry for the vents lately but i need a way to let it out. & this. this is as far as i can go with that #i need to do better again i know i can i have to :') people waiting for me. others n me.... #last night i downloaded a game for my friend. for her. & then another friend i told her i'll reply before the day ends :< 'take your time' #she said but sob she opened up abt smth n i wna help i really do & fuck it just hurts too bcs i know the ppl around me are. struggling too #i try not to put others b4 myself if i'm struggling like rn but :< i hate the helplessness. wish i cld do smth more for you #i wish i could at least be enough to help them. for you for you whoever you are i would always be willing to make these sacrifices #i'm gna cry it's been so overwhelming lately bcs i'm filled with so much hope and despair simultaneously #what do i do? which do i choose? how do i decide? how am i supposed to do. enough. find a balance #n then other friends i haven't gotten to replying yet today bcs oh i'm too worn down right now n i hate it so much i'm sorry #& other than all the stuff i want to do for myself and for others there's also things like school n #it hurts you know? i'm very much aware i've been worrying my family lately. i can't. sleep properly. i can't bring myself to finish eating #:< n then it also gets overwhelming when i. look to better things. bcs it gen makes me v happy when. idk i feel inspired or creative or wtv #but it hurts when it's also simultaneously so overwhelming bcs it's so hard to do something with it #& thinking of good memories. how fleeting those moments were. how times have changed. but also of. of how more may come #but maybe. maybe only if i'm better. if i'm not this hollow husk of my usual self? fuck i know i'm too harsh on myself. unnecessary pressur #i'm more than it i know. but at times it's just so hard to feel better when i'm. 🥹 i really really don't want to be a disappointment. #for others n. for myself.... bcs i know as always in the future. wtf the fuck happens then. i do know that parts of me will never change. #wnvr i look into my past i'll always know that i deserved being more kind to myself. bcs i'm human too. #this empty feeling of being stuck somewhere being hope n my despair hurts v much bcs it's so contradicting & overwhelming #n i wish in these moments i cld be enough for my future self. n for those around me #i wish i was better at communicating! tell everyone i know how much i appreciate them! how much i wish they'd stay in my life #i wish i cld really just say but i'm afraid that my honesty might scare you away. so instead i hide. you probably don't feel the same nyway #crying it hurts i think past experiences have made me too used to people leaving. but i can't be vulnerable enough to be #soft enough to the extent of being so honest. i've been hurt before when i was kind n younger n naive sure but oh so innocent #struggling sad n it was so bad then that i. oh i remember how it hurt.... i refuse to let myself go through that extent of loneliness again #i wish though that. i could. revive my mind. my motivation my inspo my creativity hasn't exactly dulled but it's become more passive #am i afraid that if i really be myself then i'll be alone again? if i'm weird if i'm too honest n soft n. i don't know. #it hurts feeling like i'm stuck with being too little n too much at the same time. how do i. just be. enough. for you. for me. #it hurts i'm crying i'm sorry i'm so sorry fuck i'm so overwhelmed n lost i don't want to think right now it feels so empty n i'm tired

[mishkakagehishka]

I love psychoanalysing myself based on my fave characters and tropes btw it's always more interesting to look at it from deeper angles

#like sometimes i gotta stop myself and wonder but is it really that deep #but that's usually when i get to a conclusion i don't like #like no i'm not obsessing over unlocking shu's praise voicelines bc [redacted] it's just bc he's usually so harsh #that i love the gap and the way he's trying to combine praising someone with his tsundere personality. shut up

[smol-tired-binch-blog]

*head in hands* oh God my parental issues affect my view of Kiryu

#it feels so DUMB and CLICHE like is it not enough for me to fully understand this man and why he does what he does and the fact that it #always comes from a good place and yet his actions nearly ALWAYS hurt those around him so it makes me irratated with him. Is it not enough #for him to be a mirror that reflects back at me and reminds me of everything I hate about myself? Is that not enough? #Noooo I have to go and care about Haruka more than the writers do so what I see is a girl who wants stability and who loves her father #who tries to be like 'im always here for you you can always count on me' but in practice is distant and leaves her to struggle alone #the one man she always knows will be there is the same man she can count in to never be there. his actions being fuelled by love and his ow #untreated issues somehow don't dull the pain but they do make you think you should be grateful for what you have and don't be harsh #It is at this point I May Be Projecting but always I'm correct. Anyway their relationship isn't 100% me n my dad ofc #I wouldn't even say we're both LIKE the characters but I'm seeing the threads. I'm seeing the reflection. I dont like it dnbmhfgndgdn #smol speaks #once again life would be easier if I JUST hated Kiryu but he makes it very difficult to do so but he also makes it difficult to like him #He's so fuckin stupid. But also his upbringing sucked. His views of the world and how he's 'supposed' to act clash with his inherent desire #and nature to be selfless and help others. Trying to prove to himself and others a 'true yakuza' is some beacon of honour #the people's champion. imo he is proven wrong time and time again but he refuses to hear it. At what point does it stop being a case of #standing your ground an act worthy of respect but then becomes bullheaded stupidity #selflessness into selfishness. courage into idiocy. love into hurt. fuck off Kiryu. get some help. you have it #smol plays yakuza

[daz4i]

🥲 wdym my lecture's in a week

#went over the script now but my sleeping pill started clouding my brain around 5/8 of the way through #so idk if i caught it. which is an issue bc this is the part i know less 😭 #it's cool it's cool i'll just. go over it every day this week. try to properly rehearse too. with the presentation as well #i'm worried tho i feel like i haven't rehearsed enough. ik for a fact i did that more with my last one #but also here ik the material better so i'm more confident in that ig?? also i has significantly less time to practice 😭 #idk idk my mind's a mess of stress rn...... i will be fine tho i have no choice #i thought i fucked up my previous one too but everyone said it's great so maybe i'm just too harsh on myself #(i mean i definitely am lol i'm scared that if i drop the harshness i'll become too lax. but that's true in general not just abt this)

[neinnerr]

I care a lot about the opinion of my sister since she basically raised me, this is a really hard hit because now i know that she finds issue with everything i do and say, she thinks of me as a person who thinks about myself like morally superior to her and others when I just feel helpless, there's nothing much else i can do but to share with her the information available on the internet about the several crisis's happenings all around her, she thinks that i talk to her about things that matter to me to shame her somehow or that i express opinions to criticize her all the time, and I don't know how to feel about this at all. It's not like i talk about world issues all the time, but when i do, I don't do it out of a desire to make her feel bad. I don't open my mouth with the intention of hurting her in any way, but now I know that when i speak to her all i say she will take it the wrong way because she sees me like i operate specifically to say mean things to her. Like all I say the assumes i do in bad faith. How can I be at peace knowing that she has such a poor image of me?

#I'm spiraling a little bit #I'm pretty hurt about this but i see where she's coming from #i act without restraint with her because i felt comfortable to do that #i did not know this was causing her distress #now the only thing left to do is to act more carefully around her and watch my words and actions more meticulously #it pains me to feel this way because i thought i could freely be myself with her #but my intention is not to be an asshole and i guess i care about our relationship more than i do about my authenticity #sometimes i am harsh and i know it's a character flaw I'm not proud of it #so i guess all that's left is to try and change my behavior #i still feel pretty distraught #i felt attacked but not in the way that i would respond angrily but more like i feel ashamed and guilty #And I'd like to get on my knees and ask for forgiveness #i don't want to be hated by her

[robinsnest2111]

thinking about everyone who experienced me, premium front row seats and audience participation included, at my absolute worst and still want to have something to do with current day me. idk what I did to deserve you peeps in my life and I hope every single day I can be a good friend to you now that I'm actively trying to heal 🙏

#every single day i am trying to learn the intricacies of interpersonal etiquette and being a nice person #all the things i did not learn in childhood or teen years because i was too busy being actively traumatised and struggling to survive #i'm so incredibly sorry for what i did to everyone around me during that time and i know i was such a difficult creature to deal with #not looking to be forgiven. just putting it out there that i still hold a piece of love in my heart for everyone who crossed my path so far #it's getting close to my 27th birthday... guess i'm feeling very introspective and looking back on how far I've come #how much i have survived. all the bad and the ugly and the utterly fucked up #how far i've come and all the good things I've experienced too #and all the people who helped me grow into who i currently am #some things can never be forgiven or forgotten. and i still think about it every single day. it'll probably haunt me forever #that's okay tho. i just hope i'll gain the ability to see the whole picture and be less harsh with myself in the future #humans make mistakes and cause harm even if they don't mean to. being scared and confused make you do the most nonsensical shit #idk. just. thinking. #reason 24601 i need a competent therapist to work through all my accumulated issues of the past 27 years of my life #i know i'm decently self aware but that'll only get me so far. feel like i'm walking in circles

[kathaynesart]

BABY HEIST!

BEGINNING || PREVIOUS || NEXT MASTER POST

I'm sick as a dog, but at least it gave me the time to stay home and finish this update! This special though is definitely going to be lasting through into the new year, but I figure I would rather take the time to see it to completion rather than try to stuff it into some arbitrary date. It was so fun finally getting to do Casey Sr and Raph though. I wanted to give these two some time to shine since we see so little of them in Replica.

MOTHEROOD/CASEY TED TALK TIME UNDER THE CUT

I will admit... I've never been a big fan of the dumpster baby scenario for Casey Jr. It's not a bad scenario at all! Plenty of amazing stories have used it and it certainly embraces the "found family" theme of TMNT. It just always seemed a little unrealistic given the harsh state of the world (or at least as unrealistic as you can get in a story about brain aliens and mutant turtles haha). It's certainly an easier and simpler setup (removes the dad out of the picture for sure) but I wonder sometimes if this choice of origin story gets picked a lot simply because it's difficult to envision Cassandra going through pregnancy and typical motherhood willingly. However, if that's the core reason, I feel as if that does her character a great disservice!

After re-watching a few episodes with her, it's shocking the amount of depth of character Cassandra has (even compared to some in the main cast). I love her because while she's a passionate woman who makes mistakes, she's also extremely introspective and sensitive (something we see a great deal in the Brownie episode).

While I have never been a mother myself, a good number of my closest friends have been. Some of whom I could have NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS seen becoming mothers. Yet those people end up becoming some of the most amazing moms I've ever seen. Being a mom changes you, both physically and mentally in a way that I think gets glossed over in general storytelling. While I can't necessarily show that change much in Replica, I can at least give a nod to the fact that Cassandra, for all her flaws, is an amazing woman who I think would be an awesome mom! Thank you as always for your support!

#I'm going to go sleep now #rottmnt #rottmnt replica #replica #save rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #unpause rise of the tmnt #kathaynesart #raphael #cassandra jones #also adoptive parents are just as awesome too! #just wanted to explore this specific experience more with Casey Sr