#i'm safe

[blackbearmagic]

so ya boi has been super depressed, like clinically, for way longer than usual and it led to me heading down to the local psych urgent care for an evaluation today

During the eval, which was over zoom, the person assessing me asked me if I keep any "gods or ancestral gods" in the house.

I'm thinking "weird question for a psych eval, but okay sure", and I get about two sentences into describing my weird pagan ways before she leans into her screen and says "GUNS. Do you keep any G U N S or have ACCESS TO GUNS in the house."

so that's probably the funniest thing that's happened to me recently

#the bear roars #I'm safe #I got a referral to their outpatient day program #I'm kinda looking forward to it? #it's time away from work but it'll be structured and dedicated to figuring out what went kaboom in my brain a month ago #and unkabooming it #and giving me the tools to prevent future kabooming

[dutifulsilence]

You push yourself too much sometimes, I think. Just breathe, and know you're doing good. Things will still be there tomorrow when you rest, and no one will be mad about it.

ooc ; not sure if this was meant for link or for me as the mun, but it came at a decent (?) time because i'm probably going to take a week or so away from tumblr. I need that rest because I really have been pushing myself too much lately. So definitely going to be taking a break.

Apologies that I'm taking this break right after offering those starter calls, I will get to them when I'm in a better state of mind.

explanation below the cut - tw for mental illness

i ended going to urgent care today because i was having an extensive mental breakdown at work that I am still recovering from. like full on panic, crying, sensory overload, and suicidal thoughts. it was bad. UC doctor didn't seem to take me very seriously because I wasn't actively threatening to harm myself or have a plan to off myself, but he did double my antidepressants, which means I have to adjust to the higher dose and that's going to mess me up.

I will be available on discord in a couple of days - taking a small break from there as well until the weekend at least. i will not be discussing my breakdowns or how i'm doing, but if you wanna talk plots, muses, just stuff in general, great, I'm open to that.

I promise I'm not going anywhere, I'm not planning to hurt myself, I am trying my best to keep from get that bad, but in order to do that, I need to relax and step away from a lot of things - including RP.

Queue will remain going since i can't be bothered to pause it and it's just an art queue. I have drafts all put together to work on when I'm in a better mental state. Might sneak on to work on them if I feel up to it.

#ooc ; salem speaks #also @ my sibling since i know you'll read this #i'm fine #i'm safe #i'll see you sunday if not earlier

[edenorisshitposting]

Not again....

#if you know you know #personal #check the news about my country #I'm safe #I happened to be at my parents further away from the action #I hope things will be ok

[rainbowcrowley]

damn i managed to recognise a trigger after it happened BUT before it completely fucked me up

that's a new one - now i gotta find out how to deal with this huh

#i'm safe #and still feeling okay-ish #just gotta make sure it doesn't Fuck Me Up too bad #idk how but i guess some serious self care id in order #starting with listening to that doctor who audio book i bought a weeks ago #and trying to sleep #we'll see how i feel tmrw ay #addi.txt #personal #tw mental health talk

[thetimemoves]

ENOUGH ALREADY

#maine #one more thing i can scratch off my bucket list #baby's first active shooter alert text #i have been under 'shelter in place' order since last night #he's still out there #horrifying #surreal #so fucking unnecessary #but guns! second amendment! #ironically i had read this article not too long ago #and then woah #it's suddenly my new lived experience #i'm safe #my husband is safe #but that one mile across the river feels very very short #guns #gun violence #mass shootings #i know i know #if sandy hook didn't result in major changes #pretty much nothing well #still i hope

[therapythoughtstogether]

Guys, I'm safe!!!

Kind of flashy GIF (and great news!) ahead

I made it out.

I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. I have really bad flashbacks. But I'm finally safe. I know it will take me time to proces what I've been through.

A huge THANK YOU to everyone who has showed me support and helped me stay strong through this all. Thank you for sending asks, thank you to all the anons who have showed me so much love. Thank you for the positive thoughts, good vibes, prayers.

A new chapter is starting for me now.

#therapy thoughts #I'm safe #yassss #I made it out #the nightmare is over #I'll have to deal with the trauma #but I'm safe to start healing #abuse survivor #tw flashing gif

[numinous-queer]

When we began to prepare to foster a kiddo, I took a red yarn bracelet we got at a friend's wedding (referencing the long red thread of fate), and unraveled it to its three component threads. I braided them as tightly as I could - one strand for me, one for my wife, and one for the child we wanted to love. "Hope is a thing with feathers" I quoted to myself a day later, so I started to look for them on my daily walks with the dog. I collected big beautiful cardinal feathers as bright and passionate as my wife, glossy crow feathers full of corvid trickery and intelligence, and bluebird feathers for me, for the joy I wanted to feel.

The night we accepted Sola's placement in our home, I took the most beautiful feathers and wove them into a latticework in the thread - a modified witch's ladder. Every feather felt like a nail holding together the home we were building for her, and the life we wanted together. As she has been with us these 8+ months, I have continued to collect feathers - from the pond where she loves to watch the duckies, from goose feathers blown up to our very doorstep, to any scrap of anything that could have come from a bird. I was so desperate that I'd scramble to pick up any feather-shaped leaf or detritus on my walks, thinking I'd feel better if I could just add another feather to my collection. "Keep her happy, keep her safe, keep her with us" I said out loud into the dust of the garden shed every time I added a feather. (Oh God oh GOD keep her safe)

Last weekend, I buried the feathers in our backyard by a bench where I spent so much time crying as I worried about kiddo's future. There must have been hundreds of them collected since 2021. As I laid them out individually, I wept over them and tried to say goodbye to specific dreams I had of being Sola's father. I was going to bring her on a trip with my wife's parents to the beach this summer, with pony rides already scheduled. I was going to bring her to toddler gymnastics in July. I was going to make summer picnics our new tradition. I was going to collect pumpkins with her every year on her birthday. I was going to dance at her quinceañera. I was going to read The Hobbit out loud to her like my dad did for me. I was going to finally teach her to ride the tricycle her little legs were too short for. I was going to break the news that dinosaurs were extinct and we couldn't see them at the zoo. I was going to find kid concerts in the park for her, because ever since she started to talk she wants to sing her heart out. I was going to keep her safe and dedicate my entire life to making her laugh.

Her last day with us is going to be May 23rd, and it is the hardest thing in the world to pivot to pretending that I'm happy about this for her sake. She's 3.5, too little to understand, and takes her cues from us. If she sees us crying, she'll conclude that panicking is the right thing to do, and might even blame herself or think she did something wrong. My wife and I are essentially taking shifts putting on a brave face for her, and it's killing us slowly. It's working insofar as Sola seems in good spirits, and I'm just begging the universe that stays the case. We can't move the date or change this outcome, and now our most important job is to help her feel okay about this.

We don't know what will happen, but bio mom has indicated that she likes and trusts us and wants us to stay in the picture. Assuming her mom keeps in touch with us, my wife and I would like to become Auntie and Uncle figures to Sola. If we can babysit sometimes, maybe we can stay in her life and keep an eye on how she is. It may be possible to make some of my dreams for her happen, even if it's not as her Daddy. I'm going to have to hold onto that hope in the days and weeks to come.

Irl friends, please reach out to me if you can. After she's gone on the 23rd, I'm going to collapse in a pile and cry for a million years. I need to feel like there are people around who understand the depth of anguish we are feeling. Thank you to everyone who has already been helping me walk this road. @howdydowdy, I owe you everything; thank you for fielding so many hysterical phone calls. I'm so glad you got to meet her and see how special she is. Thank you ET for sharing my joy and my grief and my rage. You kept me sane by reminding me that I wasn't losing my mind, it was our circumstances that were outrageous. And thank you to everyone here who has reached out in solidarity as we entered parenthood the extra hard way. Together, you all got me to a place where I could help this child as much as I could and as long as I could. Now I just have to hope that it was enough.

#the kid #I'm safe #but that's about all I can promise right now #if anyone has experience finding a grief counselor please let me know #personal

[parlerenfleurs]

Alright the function of the executive is not working because too many options, so I'll outsource the decision,

#Bloom talks #Polls are a-blooming #instead I'm on my phone as you can imagine #will pick a winner after like. 10 votes I guess. unlikely I'll get more or even that in a short span of time #especially while the americans are I think asleep or something I can't ever keep track of timezones #IF I get an insane amount of votes I might be persuaded into going out but as it will never happen #I'm safe

[justsomegoblin]

I'm going to mindlessly reblog stuff today because I'm literally just kinda stressed with all the alarms saying to evacuate. And just hoping friends, coworkers and their families are alright. Just looking at the alarms to evacuate becasue of the fire getting closer and closer to the place I live

#I'm safe #I honestly don't think it's going to get here... it's just stressful idk how to say it anyway... #my apologies if I reblog anyone without tags today #I'm safe as in I live in the middle of the city kinda. and the fire is basically all around it

[phtalogreenpoison]

ok. so this is just a vent post. and if you don't want to read that, that's so totally fine!

but i feel like im losing my mind. oh of course now is the time i decide to be paranoid about what im posting on the internet. but i am so so emotionally exhausted. like if two certain people don't interact with me because neither of them live in my area and have lives of their own (as in i don't want to wake them up), then i literally feel feel like im ripping into pieces (they're my two best friends, and all thigns considered, i have a pretty healthy relationship with both of them). and even though i'm pretty sure i have a cluster b pd,, (my psychiatrist thinks maybe), but my therapist said she didn't think so when i asked her. like am i making this up? is it all in my head? i'm in a pretty good place this notwithstanding, so am i just making it up for attention? i don't know, i know i do kinda want attention with this.

also. feeling like i should feel more when i interact with people. like yes i care about people, but if i reach my limit, i have to fake empathy so i don't fuck up the relationships in my life. and right now? i genuinely don't know if i'm telling the truth or lying or not. maybe i'm too codependent on friends. but i've just had my attention called to it recently, and it's kinda hitting me. like what do you mean other people don't flee the library because they feel like someone's watching them even though you know logically that's not true? what do you mean everyone else cried at the end of a story and you felt nothing other than an abstract idea of how you could be a proper support to people/fix things? anyways.

sorry. my heart's just hurting right now, and i don't know how express this. but i need to get it off my chest somehow.

like im not even saying i'm a bad person here. which is surprising, but good. i just feel like a monster in human skin, but one who's learned how to express the kindness they want to express.

#ramble #vent post #ramble! #vent #actually mentally ill #mentally fucked #mental illness #mental health #actually cluster b #npd #bpd #questioning npd #questioning bpd #i'm safe #btw

[shanzodragoness]

Adulting. Not story related

Thinking I had a preference for beard or no beard...

Find yourself a man who looks hot af either way, bc mine does 😁

#adult life #boyfriend #he's hot with and without #I can post about how insanely attractive he is #bc he doesn't know my tumblr #I'm safe

[the-coffee-god]

tbh the best part about my bf watching voltron is the common interaction of

me, pointing at the screen, "i wrote smut about this scene"

#in my defense he's very supportive #and has 0 interest in fanfic anyways #i'm safe #bf watches voltron

[quatresnuku]

So I'm not quite sure what happened but last night at Itaewon there was a stampede in the crowd and also people were drugged and passed out and over a 100 people have died. All of my friends and coworkers are safe we didn't go out last night. I personally had a migraine yeaterday so I didn't hear about any of this till I woke up this morning.

#quatresnuku #my life #south korea #itaewon #i'm safe #this is scary #expat in korea

[therapythoughtstogether]

Update on my situation - I'm safe now!

Pinning this because kind strangers who come across some of my older posts are still concerned about me 🥺

This gif represents me hugging (if that's ok) each of you who has showed me support in the distance, who has prayed for me, sent good vibes, positive thoughts, sent asks helping me not to give up, etc.

I have you all in my heart and in my thoughts and I wish that life treats you kindly. The world is a better place because of you all 💫.

#therapy thoughts #life update #I'm safe #thank you all #I appreciate you beyond words #abuse survivor #DM survivor #rape survivor #ptsd #bpd #it's time to heal #healing takes time #but I'm here for it

[sleepless-crows]

i've just been listening to debut the past hour and procrastinating, listening to taylor can't be an unhealthy coping mechanism???

#i'm safe #now #still stressed #but #streams #text

[leaveherwildliketheflowers]

Tw: pregnancy, SI, self harm

Events of today:

Saw baby's heartbeat ❤️

Cried when I got home from overwhelming feelings of fear and joy.

Started spiraling into depression, hopelessness and fear by lunchtime.

Called the Suicide Prevention line after work because I was home alone and making plans to hurt myself.

Also reached out to a maternal mental health hotline.

Cried some more about how awful I feel for being so emotionally unstable and distraught when today was such a happy day.

Got stood up by my therapist, who never really admitted that she never told me she needed to move our session time, only to have her cancel our pushed back session.

Cried more because I'm sad and scared and frustrated and feel guilty that all of those emotions are outweighing the joy I feel about the baby news today.

I feel very alone. Hubs wants me to be happy and keeps trying to dismiss how frustrated and upset I am by saying how great today was. And today WAS great. Amazing actually. I saw my baby and she was healthy and growing and had a strong little heartbeat. But I'm also scared. And sad. And I don't know how I am going to make it through the next 8 months. And I would rather die now than lose this baby. But I can't control the outcome. I feel trapped and alone and lost and scared and like the world is crashing down on me. And I shouldn't feel that way because my baby is alive and the ultrasound went as well as I could have hoped. I should be so happy that none of the other stuff matters. So how am I even thinking of hurting myself when it would hurt her? What kind of shit mother am I?

I promise this is my last rant for the day. I'm even tired of hearing myself talk. I need to just go to bed.

#personal #emotional rant #tw: pregnancy #tw: self harm #tw: SI #I'm safe #I'm taking care of myself #I'm just a wreck emotionally and I don't have a reliable outlet at the moment