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letsgetshlushies · 1 year

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TW: all kinds of mental issues, trauma dumping, talking bad about my friend etc

I finally reached my fucking breaking point. I've been busy with uni and all kinds of other stuff and now I'm on break between the 2nd and 3rd semester. I go to "art" school but it's more like digital art like programming, web design, game design, film etc. I'm working on my final projects for this semester and I'm doing pretty well. For my film class I wanted to film a trailer for a non existing 80s horror slasher and my friend from uni volunteered to work with me on the project (so the grade will count for both of us) I asked my best friend like a month before break started if she and her bf would play the main characters in the trailer and she said yes. From there on we planned everything, scouted locations, made probs etc. At one point my best friend says it would be nice if we could wait with filming until feb 13th because then she will be done with her last exam and i said sure, i know this is important for you so I will just work on my other projects before that.

In the last few days since the 13th i asked her countless times when she and her bf will be ready to film and i never got a proper answer. My project partner now managed to get the filming equipment from the school and on wednesday we would be good to go. I ask my best friend again if she has time from wednesday on. She said no. She works from today until Thursday, which i fully understand, but then goes to tell me she will spend thursday to sunday at her bfs place? Why? She knows i have to finish the project until the 5th. That would give us less than a week to film, cut and edit. I'm so fucking mad at her. If I would have known this I wouldve asked someone else or decided on a different idea entirely. I waited until the 13th so she could study for her exam and now that its time for my project she just goes to spend time with her bf? And my project partner is obviously affected by this too but Miss Antisocial obviously couldn't care less about anyone but herself or her boyfriend. I get it, you hate people and you're better than everyone else but why are you making that someone elses problem. I'm crying so much because this is my project and my responsibility and it's all falling apart right before my eyes. I was so excited to finally do this idea, especially with my best friend and I was so glad to have found someone who would do the project with me. We always say that we are soulmates. Eachothers ride or die. So why is she being so selfish now?? I just don't understand. I never had a single real friend up until 9th grade and the moment we met I worshipped her. And now it turns out she's just like everyone else. I am so sick of people. I am so sick of everyone. All humans suck and I wish this fucking planet would just explode already. I don't wanna be one of those cynical assholes that say you can't rely on anyone but obviously it's true. I have absolutely no idea how to manage all of this now. Why can she not put her plans aside for my sake just like i did for her? Is my education not important? Am I not important enough for her to do that for me? I hate people and I wish I wasn't one of them. People who will drop you as soon as they have found someone else. She started replacing me with her boyfriend the moment they got together. And my aroace ass doesn't understand. I hate love and I hate people who love, it's fucking disgusting and annoying and all my friends are dating and no one gives a shit about me. Friends are only placeholders until people find romantic love and its absolutely disgusting. All my friends with partners will ignore me and my messages until they finally can spare a second to type a one word reply. I'm so sick of everyone. I feel so alienated from everyone. I will never be able to related to anyone. I feel like nothing is real. I feel inhuman, like I'm a different species that got dropped on earth and I'm only here to observe. And now I'm crying and shaking because of that dumb fucking project. And as always I know I will get through this. And I also know I can't be mad at my best friend. She is my best friend after all. And if I would get mad she would play the victim card like she alwaya does. She will guilttrip me and trauma dump on me and tell me she will kill herself until I fold. I'm always the one who backs down. I'm always the one who understands. I never complain, I never tell anyone about my issues, I just nod my head and listen. That's what this fucking blog is for i guess. This will be the first time I tag a post because maybe someone has an answer for me.

#trauma dump #rant #trigger warning #mental illness #feb 23

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lostinthelightss · 4 years

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literal chaos fire (ch.8)

amazing banner by @downn-in-flames / down-in-flames@FFT

find it elsewhere: fft | ao3 | ff.net | hpff learn more: chaos universe link to other chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 link to missing moments: 5.5, 7.5, 8.5, 15.5

pairing: Lily Luna Potter / OC genre: AU, Humor, Romance rating: mature audiences

summary:

Victoire Weasley is a masters student in infectious diseases handling a devastating break up with her girlfriend of two years. Lily Potter is a first year law student navigating a figurative minefield that is the star quarterback’s unrequited affection. Molly Weasley is pursuing her bachelors in engineering while pining over her best friend - who doesn’t seem to realize it.

Three women, three vastly different lives, all coming together with group chats, family dinners, and a whole lot of chaos.

chapter summary:

James [the older twin]: look, i just came out to have a good time James [the older twin]: and honestly im feeling very attacked rn James [the older twin]: also @Fred [the smart dumb one] are you not gonna say anything??

Fred [the smart dumb one]: lol yeah, fuck you james <3

OCTOBER 30TH, 2021

‘literal chaos fire' (psychiclilz, mollydramatic, VickyBaby) 9:39am

VickyBaby: still on for tonight?? VickyBaby: no one will know what hit em when we show up together

psychiclilz: yeah, but after last night i think im going easy on the drinks

VickyBaby: WHAT??? VickyBaby: its halloween eve VickyBaby: last year you called it ‘hoe christmas eve'

psychiclilz: hey i threw up again last night psychiclilz: i need one night off

mollydramatic: urghhh me too mollydramatic: not the vomiting part mollydramatic: the needing a break part, even if i probably wont

VickyBaby: you both went home hella early, wtf happened??

psychiclilz: i got a drive home after puking in the bathroom sink psychiclilz: it went 0-100 real quick

mollydramatic: *YOU* DID THAT???

psychiclilz: SORRY, I THOUGHT IT WAS BETTER THAN THE FLOOR

mollydramatic: THERE WAS A TOILET TWO FEET FROM YOU mollydramatic: ROSE MADE ME UNCLOG THAT

VickyBaby: ew, now im gonna vom

psychiclilz: call it payback for the couple costume

mollydramatic: bitch

psychiclilz: you know u love me

mollydramatic: ... mollydramatic: ugh i do mollydramatic: fine, i forgive you

VickyBaby: anyways, where'd you go last night mollz? VickyBaby: you usually dont tap out that early...

mollydramatic: just wasnt feeling it mollydramatic: oops, rose is calling! mollydramatic: haha, gotta go mollydramatic: talk soon! mollydramatic: see ya! mollydramatic: text me if you need me! mollydramatic: or dont, ill be busy mollydramatic: hahahhhaha

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(Lily Potter, Victoire Weasley) 9:52am

Lily: she's acting really squirrely

Victoire: yeah, somethings off Victoire: kind of like you that night flynn picked us up... Victoire: what did happen between you two?

Lily: how am i supposed to remember? Lily: it was like 2 months ago Lily: psssh Lily: wow, like you remember all ur drunk nights Lily: get real vic Lily: you black out like the rest of us

Victoire: neither of you are good at hiding things Victoire: you know that right?

Lily: shut up, this isnt about me Lily: do you think it had to do with the angel girl? Lily: emily? Lily: and why she left early too?

Victoire: emerson Victoire: idk Victoire: if there was a fight over lysander, dont you think we wouldve heard?

Lily: yeah, you would think...

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(Lily Potter, Scorpius Malfoy) 2:07pm

Scorpius: you guys are still coming over tonight right?

Lily: why, are you planning another costume mix up? Lily: i dont think molly will let go of totally spies, so whatever she said, shes lying

Scorpius: i told you last night i had nothing to do with that Scorpius: you asked me not to get involved between the two of you Scorpius: and i havent

Lily: yeah but rose has

Scorpius: i have no control over rose Scorpius: she makes her own decisions Scorpius: i, however, will do whatever she tells me to

Lily: ur such a sub

Scorpius: hey, dont knock femdom til you try it

Lily: VOM Lily: I DIDNT NEED TO KNOW THAT

Scorpius Malfoy set his nickname to rosie's sub.

Lily: oh my god, i think i might actually have to astral project over there just to slap you Lily: *this* is what you break your nickname rule for??? Lily: THIS???? Lily: VOM

rosie's sub: rose would like me to tell you she knows it was you who puked in the sink

Lily: yeah, molly already gave me the third degree Lily: also she cant be okay with that nickname

rosie's sub: actually im fine with it -rose rosie's sub: he vetoed rosie's peggee -rose

Lily: VOM Lily: UGHHHHHHHH

Lily Potter cleared Scorpius Malfoy's nickname.

Scorpius: i thought it was funny -rose

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‘literal chaos fire' (psychiclilz, mollydramatic, VickyBaby) 2:28pm

psychiclilz: Attachment: 2 Images psychiclilz: VOM

mollydramatic: WHY???? mollydramatic: WHYYYYYYYY mollydramatic: I LIVE WITH HER mollydramatic: I SHARE A WALL WITH HER mollydramatic: oh my god, can you faint from traumatic news? mollydramatic: im seriously light headed mollydramatic: if i die from a heart attack this is your fault

psychiclilz: I KNOW!!! psychiclilz: i actually almost threw up again

VickyBaby: ... VickyBaby: i dont think ill ever be able to look either of them in the face again

mollydramatic: and yet, we're expected to be there in like... mollydramatic: 6 hours

psychiclilz: i actually dont know if we should go psychiclilz: oh god what if shes wearing leather as part of her costume tonight psychiclilz: i will actually have a breakdown

VickyBaby: oh god, i actually just retched

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‘old fogies' (Fred [the smart dumb one], Lily [ur 15mins older], James [the older twin], Molly [the dumb smart one], Rose [the granger], Vic [the science beb]) 8:38pm

Fred [the smart dumb one]: WOOOOO @Rose [the granger] tell ur bf we are heeeere Fred [the smart dumb one]: let me innn!!! Fred [the smart dumb one]: let me innnnnnnn!!!!!!

James [the older twin]: *shakes gate*

Rose [the granger]: calm down Rose [the granger]: buzz up - 265

Fred [the smart dumb one]: thaaanks rosie

Rose [the granger]: <3

9:14pm

Vic [the science beb]: SORRY!!! Vic [the science beb]: it took a little longer than we expected Vic [the science beb]: plus there's no parking on scorps street

Rose [the granger]: buzz up - 265 Rose [the granger]: WAIT WHO TF IS DRIVING???

Lily [ur 15mins older]: after last night im taking a night off from drinking, so DD

Rose [the granger]: good, dont throw up in scorps sink

James [the older twin]: THAT WAS YOU???? James [the older twin]: OH MY GOD, THAT IS WEDDING STORY POTENTIAL!!!

Molly [the dumb smart one]: fukc yu james, i cleaned itt up, is my story

Lily [ur 15mins older]: yeah, fuck you james Lily [ur 15mins older]: dont forget i have access to all your baby photos Lily [ur 15mins older]: AND all the photos Fred sends in the group chat

Fred [the smart dumb one]: lol yeah, fuck you james <3

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saintkimora · 7 years

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ok, here is a full account of what happened yesterday and the new events from today. caleb if you are seeing this please respect my privacy and stop reading now

ok so it started the other day. caleb texted me at night saying he wanted to talk to me about something serious the next day. i asked what it was about and he said he just wanted to be friends but i didnt read too much into it bc he is impulsive so i figured he would come to his senses the next day

so then yesterday happened. i had just gotten out of sociology at like 10:40am and i saw that he had texted me all these things about breaking up. then when i got to my car he called me on the phone. he then proceeded to break up with me over the phone. his reasoning was that since hes prob moving in a few weeks, he wanted to stop being boyfriends now that way when he does leave itll hurt less than it would, so like easing himself out of the relationship basically. i think its a stupid idea

so these are the issues i had. the first was that he broke up with me over the phone, not even in person. and like i was crying over the phone and his tone was just like very cold and detached and business like and that really hurt me bc he obv knew i was crying but i didnt feel any sympathy from him whatsoever. like if he was crying i would obv be comforting him and trying to make him feel better not talking like a robot. another thing that hurt was that he gave up on the long distance relationship before we could even try it. it made me feel like i was so worthless and unimportant that he didnt even feel like putting forth the effort to make our relationship work. and the fact that he did this all over a 10 minute phone call on his way to the gym. and then like 20 min after he had the NERVE to post a video on his snap story of him at the gym saying “feeling so good *blushing smile emoji*” like that really hurt my feelings and when i told him that later he was like “oh stop making everything about you it was just how i was feeling after working out” but like? i know he obv wasnt saying that he felt so good about breaking up. but what bothered me was that like after he broke up w me, i was a mess i was literally crying all day and i couldnt do anything but cry i was so upset. and then here he is just going on with his day like its another normal tuesday. like the fact that he was capable of being so happy not even a few hours after breaking my heart made me feel like i was nothing, like it was just an errand like “oh im gonna break up with perry then go to the gym lol” and the fact that he did it over the phone just made me feel so insignificant like i was nothing to him and that really hurt. and like ive tried to be the best boyfriend i can be for him and i try to do everything he asks of me so for him to just break up with me in such a dismissive way makes it feel like he doesnt even care

so i was crying in my car, like really bad like i was BAWLING. so i went to the student counseling center and asked for a crisis meeting and i got set up w this counselor named josh. he was nice and tried to help me calm down and focus on orgo. it was nice to have someone to talk to i guess

so then i went home. he called me again to like try to explain himself but only made me feel worse. he was like “you know when i move im not gonna be able to see you everyday and cuddle with you and fall asleep on your chest anymore” and that just made me sadder and i was crying again on the phone. then later we were texting and he was like denying breaking up with me. like, you said you wanted to just be friends and you explicitly said that you didnt want to be boyfriends anymore so how is that not breaking up??? and he said “i was trying to have a conversation with you but all you did was cry.” with the period to show how serious he was. and it really hurt me when he said that bc it felt like he was mad at me and using me crying against me, like i somehow did something wrong by crying. again if he was the one crying i would not be holding it against him like that so i really wish he didnt say that bc it made me feel bad for being emotional which should not be something to feel bad about. and at the end of the call he didnt say i love you like he always does so that hurt my feelings as well

and like i took away the hearts from his contact name and changed my phone backgrounds since they were pictures of him and that just made me really sad

i skipped psych and anatomy lecture but i couldnt skip my anatomy practical. i cried when i was backing up my car to leave bc i saw the “hi <3″ that he wrote in the dirt on my back windshield a while ago and it just set me off. so i got to school and i was planning on having this be the dropped grade so i wasnt like worried but i got a 90 anyways so that was nice. the prof was like “perry whats wrong you look depressed” and i was like im just a little sad today and he was like why and i was like “bc my significant other broke up w me” (i used s/o bc idk how my prof is about those things so i didnt wanna say bf). he told me this story about how in his senior year of college he had such bad mono it was misdiagnosed as hodgkins disease so he was given 18 months to live and his gf of 4 years left him after finding out. so he told me “perry, girls are like a bus. if you miss one, another one will come along in 15 minutes. if i had daughters i would tell them the same thing about guys” so that was nice that he tried to cheer me up. then when i was leaving from the other room (bc we leave our stuff in the other room during the practical) the TA came to me from the main room and wished me luck on my finals so that was nice of him

so then i went home. then at 10pm i met w caleb in person in his car. we talked and at first he would not let me get a word in and he just kept defending himself and what also upset me was that he thought the reason i was so upset was that he was moving and he was so defensive like “i wish i could stay here but i have no choice i cant afford to live here its too expensive” and like that is not what upset me!!! i already knew he was moving ive had time to accept it what upset me was how he broke up w me for no reason w almost no warning and did it in such a cold way. and like the way i see it is since hes leaving instead of easing ourselves out of the relationship to stop us from getting hurt when he actually leaves (which wont happen bc itll hurt regardless), i figured we should make the most of our time together and enjoy each other as much as possible since we’ll have plenty of time to get over each other AFTER he moves. so when i told him my point of view he was like “i wish i thought of it like that, im really bad at this” so that was how i resolved the issue. he was hesitant about keeping the bf label but i told im i really wanted to and i didnt see a point in taking away the label now anyways. i also told him i at least wanted to try long distance instead of giving up before it even happens. i dont remember what he said to it though lol i was too emotional. but yeah the beginning of the convo just felt like he was berating me and i started to cry again bc i dont like it when hes rude to me like that

then he told me that im so sensitive i could see a squirrel in the road and cry and i had to explain to him that i am not a sensitive and emotional person! im normally v reserved w my emotions like ive only cried maybe 3 times the past 8 years and that im just emotional when it comes to him bc i care about him so much

another thing that bothered me was that he said every relationship teaches a lesson, and from ours he learned not to rush into things. i dont get that bc yes we did rush but that wasnt really a bad thing? like he wouldve moved regardless so taking things slow wouldnt have changed that. and like since we rushed into things it will hurt more when he leaves since we are closer than we would be if we took it slow but also like, if we didnt rush we wouldnt have gotten so close and had so much fun together in the first place. so imo the benefits of getting so close so fast vastly outweighed the pain of him leaving

so everything would be great except for this next part. he told me the easing out of the relationship thing was bc he got the advice to do that from his mom and leeann. so when i got home i made a post calling leeann toxic and his mom stupid for interfering in our relationship. and like yall can tell that obv i was kidding and just exaggerating for humorous effect like i dont really think his mom is stupid or that leeann was toxic, just that their advice in the situation was bad. but caleb texted me this morning being so rude calling me disgustingly disrespectful for saying that and he said that “next time you think about doing this remember how it felt when i dumped you (so he admitted that he did dump me) - and get those tissues ready” (since ive been using a lot of tissues since i was crying so much). that really really hurt my feelings bc 1. he is once again using me crying against me and 2. it shows a total lack of sympathy for me crying, like it felt like hell yesterday i was so upset and he knows that so for him to threaten to put me through that again just shows he doesnt really care about me or my feelings.

he also said i need to stop using him and leeann and his mom as “characters in your online stories” like...these arent online stories? this blog is where i vent and talk about my feelings since i dont have anyone to do that with irl and i need to get them out somewhere im not writing these posts to be mean it just feels good to put my thoughts into words instead of bottling them up and even my therapist thinks its a good thing for me to do

so he said that but i was NOT having it. i typed up a long text in response and even i admit it was kinda mean. like in his he said “dont even talk to me for the rest of the day” so at the end of my text i said “dont talk to me ever i am perfectly fine w never talking to you again the rest of my life so bye have fun in new hampshire or whatever” and he was like “perry stop you dont mean that last part” and then he called me and once again got defensive he said he was just trying to have a convo w me and i was being aggressive for no reason. like, no??? a convo would have been texting me like “perry i know its your personal blog where you post your feelings but this post upset me and this is why” not coming at me with 4 super rude texts out of nowhere. so he was trying to play the victim and paint me as irrational and that im overreacting just like he did yesterday and i didnt like it! he was just dismissing my feelings again. so i went OFF in this phone call like wow i really snapped and it felt good tbh

like i think he was just expecting me to sit there and take it and apologize like i usually do when he gets like this but i am done doing that! so i think he was caught off guard that i stood up for myself. i was like caleb i really dont care i have the most important orgo test of the semester today you already took yesterday from me but today i am not entertaining it if you have an issue call me after my test” and i ended the convo and hung up and then he texted me “good luck on your test” like ok hi king of passive aggressiveness

so thats it. i felt good at first but later on i felt bad so i texted him apologizing for snapping at him but i said i wont discuss the tumblr issue until we are in person. i asked if he was free tonight and he said no he wants a day or two to be separate and normally i would understand but like...hes moving in a few weeks i really dont want to waste time fighting and being in this weird place

not to be out of order but another thing that got on my nerves was when we made up last night. he said “once i move youll have more free time for things like school, work, maybe going to the gym” like once again here he is commenting on my appearance! like yes i know im scrawny and i wish i wasnt but im sick of him taking jabs at my looks like my body, acne, and eyebrows when i literally have NOTHING but nice things to say about how he looks. it makes me feel bad when he points out my flaws like that and a good boyfriend is not supposed to make me feel like that

now for the most recent development. leeann sent me this LONG fb message bc caleb told her what i posted about her. like why does he have to expose me like that! i didnt read the message i was like “yeah im not reading this but just so you know i was kidding i wasnt serious i was exaggerating lol” and she was like ok lol

i just dont know why she thinks i care about her input on MY relationship? like youre calebs friend not mine to be frank i dont give a fuck what you think about whats best for my relationship like you dont know me so mind your business

and thats another thing. in the past caleb has gotten pissed at me for sharing our business too much (by telling my friends (who he will literally never meet since they all went away for school) and by posting on here) yet here he goes telling leeann everything! seems hypocritical to me

and heres a second thing. i have always told caleb that my blog is my personal space where i can safely vent and talk about my feelings and that he should respect my privacy by not reading my personal posts. and ive told him that if he does wanna read them then hes doing so at his own risk bc im not going to filter myself bc this is MY space not his so if he really wants to overstep his boundaries and look at my posts then he cant get mad at me for them bc HE is the one choosing to read them even after my warning! so i dont think he should be getting mad at me especially when i was in such an extreme state of mind yesterday since he put me through the worst day of my life for no reason which literally couldve been 100% avoided if he had just waited to talk to me in person instead of breaking up w me over the phone. and like now i feel like this isnt even a space place for me to express myself anymore since theres a chance of him seeing. and i tried blocking him before but he made a new blog and wont tell me the url so i cant block him smh

so yeah thats everything that happened. im kinda stressed rn w this whole leeann drama even though he shouldnt have been reading my posts in the first place. like its just so much drama and i dont like how it feels and idk why this relationship turned sour so fast and i wish he would just be nice and sweet to me again. so hopefully things get better

#this is so long omg #if any of you actually read all of this or even just skim it i love you <3 #personal

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