#i would feel like i dont belong or like

[bogkeep]

it was always a strange dichotomy. every middle school classmate i had told me i'd be a millionaire when i grew up, a Famouse Artisté. it's easy enough to imagine as a teen, i suppose: skill equals fame equals money. i was doubtful about this prophecy, not because i wasn't confident in my ability to draw, but because it was hard to imagine a world where i'd be paid for it.

it was an ice breaker game at summer camp. horrible one, really - everyone in a group were given a character profile. now we had to imagine that it was the zombie apocalypse, and the helicopter to safety was two seats short and we had argue why we deserved a spot. the character i got was an asshole doctor of some kind. i don't remember if i argued my way into the helicopter or not, but i do remember the feeling that's been hanging over me my entire life - if the apocalypse happens right now, i have nothing to contribute.

there's something really painful about it. i have cultivated a skill for my whole life, i can make art and tell stories that are entirely unique to me, there is no way to get someone else to create in the exact same way i can, and yet - i've contributed more to capitalist society by sitting in an empty hotel reception for eight hours a day.

which made me develop anxiety, to boot.

i illustrated two children's books. they're some of my best work. the contract i signed was industry standard and the indie author who had hired me was incredibly kind... but even after stock sold out i had earnt little more than some pocket change.

in high school we had an outing to dig our own snow caves that we would spend the night in. in teams, thankfully. i have so little physical strength to speak of, most i could do to help was clear away the snow rubble and toss it outside. i know, i know, my classmates reassured me it was an important job to do, i was an invaluable member of the group, sure - but it's that feeling, you know?

what would my task be in the communist solarpunk commune?

a person cannot be useless. it's a human being. they just exist, no ifs and buts about it. one can only be useless in the eyes of an ableist, capitalist society that sees no value in being alive beyond production and profit.

sometimes i receive messages from internet strangers to tell me something i said - often several years ago - was helpful to them. maybe it was a throwaway comment on a forum. maybe it was replying to a question they could've googled the answer to. maybe it was an encouraging reply to someone's artwork. turns out it mattered to someone. huh.

of course you can learn new skills. i have learnt plenty over the years! i have also learnt that there are limitations to what i can do. that some of the obstacles i face are not in fact obstacles everyone faces. it's not that i can't break tasks into smaller steps, it's more that half of those steps are going to be "rinse your hands because you Touched a Thing and now you're going to have to touch Another Thing." i wonder if that's adding to my cognitive load or something.

i was never raised to be a man, so by all accounts i do not understand why i'm so haunted by the spectre of toxic masculinity - what would i do if i was a medieval peasant and a war broke out? what if i was in a pre-historic hunter gatherer society and i was expected to hunt? what if i was a humble farm boy discovering the sword of the chosen one and the world depended on my non-existing courage to face certain death?

look, it's stupid. these are not scenarios i will find myself in. besides, pre-historic humans depended on community and taking care of each other. that's how we survive.

i'm not useless and i decided to make peace with being useless anyway.

we're surrounded by digital clocks. we can't really escape them. do we need watchmakers? would they save me a spot in the zombie apocalypse helicopter? no, don't answer that. i'm just happy i found something that requires a light touch and an observant eye.

#too long for twitter #I AM NOT ASKING FOR ADVICE I AM JUST MUSING AND WRITING A BLOG POST FOR THE JOY OF WRITING BLOG POSTS #not mentioned: the bachelors degree in art history i took to procrastinate with my life. #i would love to work as an illustrator still. if the opportunity to do so comfortably comes along i will take it #but im also happy to pursue my passion in my free time as something that belongs to me #number one question im asked whenever i tell someone i go to watchmaker school is 'BUT DO YOU STILL DRAW??' #it's like asking if i still breathe. yes! i still do the thing that makes me feel alive #it's just. we live in a world that's hostile to Live Comfortably and Pursue Creative Passions at the same time #and a society that can be so largely dismissive of art sometimes; all the while consuming it en masse #ah you probably get it. you dont need me to tell you

[misfithive]

Im really really hoping the theory about Wille having a birthday in s3 are true because i want Simon to give him a gift SO BADLY. I want it to be something sweet and whimsical and soft bc Wille deserves whimsy in his life. Even if it is a gag gift that Wille actually ends up keeping. I really want the stuffed animal frog like i mentioned in my unhinged s3 list bc its the opposite of the snow globe with the hard (now jagged) edges. Like a soft stuffed frog (no crown) it would be so cute :(((((( But really Simon giving Wille any kind of sweet simple gift would be so cute to me.

Editing to add a picture of what i am envisioning bc i’m annoying like that! Pls just imagine it !

#i fear young royals might be too serious to do something like this #but simon’s stuffed animal and sara’s horse stuffed animal are feeding my hopes of wille having a atuffed animal s3 #plus u know when the rich person has everythinn the could ask for but then they get something thats not expensive but very mesmingful? #idk if thats a real trope but i love if #i am also stereotypical autistic person who has 500 stuffed animals and i think everyone should have the same #i thought i posted this days ago but oh well #simon deserve whimsy too but idk i think wille making him the sandwiches and taking care of him is more what i want vs a gift #unless its like a promise ring or him giving simon something sentimental that belongs to him idk i cant explain it #plus i think it would feel vulnerable for simon to give wille something and hope he likes it which would be soooo cuteee i love shy simon #wilmon #simon eriksson #prince wilhelm #young royals #young royals s3 #yr spoiler #<tagging as a spoiler incase people dont want fan theories or something im sorry #yr s3 spoilers

[pensbridgertons]

SWANFIRE APPRECIATION WEEK 2023

day 2 ♡ season you associate with them → autumn

swanfire + red (taylor's version) (in/sp)

#sfweek2023 #swanfireedit #swanthiefedit #emmaswanedit #nealcassidyedit #ouatedit #onceuponatimeedit #swanthief #swanfire #emma swan #neal cassidy #ouat #once upon a time #** #otp: i love you; i probably always will #i dont really have a good explanation for it but they just feel like autumn to me idk #i think summer would make a lot of sense for them too but autumn is my first thought #and so i did them + red songs bc its very much a fall album and also a swanfire album <3 #and there are several more songs from the album that belong here it just would have been too many gifs 😂

[grahamcore]

so would hannibal eat turkey on thanksgiving or would it still be people meat

#and if so how the hell would he disguise it as a turkey?? because his other dishes are just ambiguous and fancy but a turkey is a turkey. #genuinely asking because on the one hand i imagine he’d be as festive as a middle aged suburban white woman for the holidays #but then i’m not sure if that’s actually true? in my soul i feel that it is but he’s lithuanian so does he observe every american holiday? #like my heart is telling me hannibal would go all out for the holidays just because he’s gaudy by nature but does that extend to thanksgivin #and if it does then how does that mesh with his cannibalistic tendencies? #i feel like thanksgiving is actually the perfect holiday for him because it’s literally an excuse to have people over just to eat with them #but that brings me back to the initial problem of disguising human meat as a turkey??? everyone knows what a turkey looks like #a heart could as easily belong to a human as it could to a cow but a turkey is a fucking turkey #unless he makes some fucked up human meat origami turkey which… going by the human heart in the cathedral he probably could #so either that or he just sucks it up and eats nonhuman meat for a day?? but would he even do that??? #I DONT KNOW ANYMORE I NEED ANSWERS #hannibal #hannibal nbc #hannigram

[danmeireader]

you know what? im feeling very appreciative of yaoi today, actually.

not to be corny, but BL was literally formative for me, as in, not only was it the only source of queer fiction available to me for a long while (before song of achilles or ari and dante or w/e, and even after, because it was translated for /free/ by these "straight" "fetishizing" "girls" lol) but also, it's how i honest to god made my first gay friend. she was showing me her anime sketches on a school trip, and out of nowhere asked me "do you like yaoi?" (idk where you are now zanne but hope you're doing well 🙏🏽)

so, i guess that's why i'm a bit over-sensitive when people came into BL FANDOMS, thinking they're """""above""""" yaoi. like, i know the genre does have its issues, and i know people should write what they like. but EVERY DAY against my will i keep getting exposed to takes and they're honestly the reason i stopped reading non-canon dynamics for mxtx (even though i used to enjoy everything!!! rip 😭)

takes like (and i quote) "they're NORMAL human beings so of course they switch" "they both top and bottom that's love baby" "mxtx is so heteronormative why did she have to call wwx a wife :/" "the more you ask me to tag dynamics the harder lwj is going to bottom"

and just. to me it reads as absolute dripping condescension.

out of all the helpless and meek yaoi bottoms to take issue with (... no disrespect to paint/er of the night but it does come up as the first example, idk if it changed) they decide to pick on MXTX??? mxtx whose FIRST BOOK is an artful take down of genre conventions? mxtx who actually subverted the tropes herself by writing hyper-competent and badass MCs who are also bottoms, and GNC MLs who are tops? but no wwx and xl are powerful so they /have/ to top, and lbh experiences emotions so of course he's a bottom. wtf

to me this is similar to saying: "all yaoi authors are shit at writing women no exceptions, so yzy is obviously 100% a product of evil step-mother syndrome and not at all a well-written villain, so if you don't like reading good yzy then you're a misogynist."

#this is just same tired dynamics disk horse feel free to ignore #i lost steam multiple times writing this bc i think it belongs in my brain and ppl should write anything they want #but i really dont what more to do to avoid seeing these takes so i hope doing a word-vomit would purge this topic from my brain? #pls #ro talks #fandom wank #long post #also. the gall of that one person 'none of my previous [western] fandoms made such a big deal about it' #like bottomlockers and toplockers didn't have that whole feud

[anxiously-sidequesting]

I love Ceren Nightchant but the thing that confuses me about him is that whenever I say "Ceren Nightchant" I don't know WHICH one I'm talking about. Like of course there is no other Ceren, but after the tutorial update he was the only character that got a personality upgrade so major it's as if Ceren WAS two completely different people. Like if someone came up to me and said "Actually his name is Schmeren and he's Ceren's younger brother they just typed in his name wrong during the update" that would actually be believable because of how DIFFERENT the personality shift was

AND THIS ISN'T A BAD THING in fact I think I actually like New "Anti Skeleton Pirate" Ceren Nightchant better than the old one IN REGARDS TO HIS NEW PERSONALITY!!! Like I will always have a special love for Old "Greetings :)" Ceren Nightchant but that's only because of Nostalgia and completely untrue facts about him I made up in my head. Unfortunately pre-update Ceren Nightchant doesn't have that much going for him in terms of how interesting he is in comparison to the new one where they gave us like a whole heaping plate of characterization and nuance to his character

With Malorn it's different because he actually has a backstory. Like he's Important to the lore. He doesn't have like any screentime but just his story ALONE is enough to spin off completely into new exciting territory; we don't NEED anything else to hook us in because Malorn already has a hook, his relationships with his fellow teachers and students + his status as a powerful Necromancer + Malistaire's legacy affecting him.

Meanwhile Ceren Nightchant was a blank slate. We know he was in Unicorn Way for some reason despite not living there, not being a trained guard in handling the Twilight Zone situation, he was Just There and I think that's the only One Single Thing that was interesting about him.

And even though that still technically is the case with the new Ceren, LOOK AT HOW HE IS NOW. He's a CLOWN, a kind, happy, ridiculously powerful and intelligent clown who has a weird intolerance for undead pillagers and seems to get along great with our character!!! That's not like, groundbreaking lore like with Malorn or even Duncan, but idk there's just something so fresh and funny and exciting about this new bouncy iteration of a character we've known nothing about for like the past 20 years

So like in terms of nostalgia and personal headcanons, Greetings Nightchant will always be special to me but in terms of like being an actual character with more of a role in the story and a fresher dynamic with the characters around him, SkeLeTaL pIrAtEs Nightchant will be no. 1 for me

#like old ceren nightchant talks to us and thats it. he says hello and good luck and we never see him again #new ceren is apparently good friend with the unicorn way lady and is actually somewhat of a skilled tactician and fighter #(from what ive seen. its been like 6 years since ive played the game so i could be wrong) #but like new ceren is more like cemented in the story more than old ceren if that makes sense #new ceren actually talks to people. he has a place in the story and he moves it along. he's useful to the plot and he belongs there #old ceren doesnt feel like that to me imo. he feels like a spectre just floating in the plot to offer us ominous advice for a sec #hes just like too detached for me. like if you took old ceren out of the original script nothing would change #he doesnt have any impact on us or anything storywise. he's just kinda there #AND THATS FINE IM NOT DISSING ON OLD CEREN. HE'S COOL JUST KINDA USELESS #new ceren feels more like a friend of the wizard's and is easier to bond with because he actually has emotions #i still dont actually know which one i refer to when i say 'ceren nightchant' cuz its still confusing #im used to old ceren more but i like new ceren more so im like '???????' #wizard101 #w101 #wiz101 #text posts #ceren nightchant

[vellichorsdesire]

personally i think laying on my f/o’s chest their hand patting my head with the other arm wrapped tightly around me while i cry no judgement from them whatsoever would fix me

#delete later maybe #vent ahead sorry </3 #i keep on overthinking toniight and i almost had a meltdown cuz of it i actually dont know whyy <//3 #i cant help but feel i’m annoying to my friendssgrhrhrggh that f/o would find me annoying as well… it hurts to think about #i feel like i dont belong anywhere sso bad it sucks so much everyone has higher prorities in their life than me i shouldnt be so expecting #it’s embarassing how much i enjoy the attention i get sometimes even the smallest message i’m desperrate for…. waaugh #it hurts a little because i have to bottle it up in a way i’mputting this here because j genuinely have nowhere else to put this i’m sorry #f/o savee me…. #❥ vels ramblings

[maledistributionsystem]

thank u for posting transhet stuff, sometimes i fall down the "all men are a danger to themselves and others" rabbit hole so to speak and it makes me feel hopeless so seeing stuff of girls loving us being men and wanting us to be men is very helpful anyways your stuff rules no matter what :) have a great day bro

Thank you for contacting the Male Distribution System Bark Line. Remember: Self-made men are loved and adored. All of them. Your message is in the queue...

Hey you're absolutely welcome! I know what you mean too, there's this very loud and proud "i hate all men because theyre evil and they suck!!" mentality that has (in my opinion) a rather large presence in queer spaces and it makes existing in them as a trans man really, really exhausting. Especially when some people decide its okay to say these things to your face, as if you aren't a man. Especially when it comes from white people, since they tend not to recognize how they look saying that kind of thing to men of color.

But hey, i have a wife and she's like the coolest/strongest/lovliest person i know, and is my best friend. I promise there are literally millions of girls who love trans men and don't think we're becoming evil/violent/dangerous, and who also don't think we're hurting ourselves/making ourselves uglier.

I also know a handful of other men who have wives/fiances/girlfriends, and I wont lie and say that it was easy for them, especially since they tended to go for cishet women, but they're in long happy relationships nowadays. You can do it too. I promise dude :)

You take it easy and have a great day!

#MDS Bark Line #i'm gonna use the tags to continue a line of thought i had but didn't feel necessary to respond directly to nonny with #it really truly fucking sucks that it feels like as a trans man i have this very noticable very palpable 'decision' to make between #being seen as a man-full stop-but also being shunned from your community if you just look like some random dude bc you wanna be stealth #or accept proximity to womanhood/femininity to be given a sort of 'pass' from being assumed to be dangerous #it hurts my heart to talk to other binary trans men. you wanna know why they dont exist very much? #its because we get pushed out of spaces we technically belong in because we DONT want to be overtly readable as queer #and men get fucking tired of that and decide to make peace with cis bi/gay spaces or they decide to just not have any community connection #and thats. really fucking sad. #it shouldnt be so fucking hard to find other binary trans men who are deep in their transition. but it is. #and i feel like it really really shouldnt be. #It would really help if queer spaces would uhhhh stop demonizing men and our masculinity. :/.

[the-knife-consumer]

Forgot just how upsetting gloomed korok forest is

#idk. just this one sanctuary that was different from the rest in that all of these spirits only link and a few others #can see are offering you help and safety. care uniquely for you. a bed for YOU. YOUR sword. kept safe for 100 years for YOU. #thrown together shops just for YOU because nobody else goes here or even knows it exists. #and then you return and the people who cared so much about you dont even speak to you anymore #they cant speak. they just stand there #idk korok forest made me feel the most like i fucked up somehow #rito village was bad but still livable. if things got any worse then they would have to abandon home until it settled #but no one was in immediate life threatening danger #gerudo was really REALLY bad and people were in danger. just all crammed inside a bunker. no going into town because your #home doesnt belong to you anymore #and then the zora were ... idk felt the least pressing even though it definitely should be bc like. they breathe water. #if the water is gross theyll die. but idk something about how it was executed felt less terrible #maybe they outwardly expressed more hope? idk. same with the gorons didnt feel like there was a pressing threat #but korok forest is fucking AWFUL. god #idk. nobody in hyrule talks about it because they dont know there are people there. nobody else can see them so nobody knows #somethings wrong. with no lead into it finding korok forest the way it is just feels soooo much worse. #idk. on my first playthru i kind thought i fucked up and shouldve gotten there sooner. #it just feels like no matter what youre too late and its your fault

[dishsaop]

does anyone have recommendations for fictional media that has like. actual lesbians in it. not like supergirl Two White Skinny Girls, One Blonde and One Brunette Kiss media, or "its implied lesbianism!!!" but just regular fucking lesbians

#i say lesbians but i guess i mean sapphic #im just like. tired of gnawing #and of men also. sorry men in my life i love you but on god if i have to pretend one more man is butch just to get #content that isnt m/m or m/f im going to turn into a horse and run into the wilderness until im saved from the glue factory by a plucky #young woman except instead of letting her have her formative summer where she trains me and bonds w me and wins a competition w me #im going to commit horse suicide in front of her & change her life forever. just because im so tired of bland CW-marketable women kissing & #digging for scraps in a refuse bin while brushing aside 7002993829292929939292929399394 gay and het romances #m text #i will also take nonfictional lesbians if its like a story #not to be whiny on main but one of the hardest hurdles i had to jump wasnt realizing i was a lesbian. i came out to myself and to friends a #lesbian multiple times. but i would always walk it back when a friend would express doubt or a male friend would ask me out #bc i dont and especially then didnt know very many lesbians in person. and so i had to turn to examples #and all i fucking had were fictional women who liked men. or fictional lesbians who were so cleaned and sanitized and prettified #(you all know what i mean right. the 2 skinny white girls one blonde one brunette. im not crazy right) #and i would be like. i dont feel things when i look at these fictional lesbians so i guess i belong back here #(this is also bc my gender ended up being fuckier than i realized but shhhhh) #I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THESE TAGS but theyre too long and im lost. #anyway the point is if people werent so fucking weird abt fictional or onscreen lesbians maybe thered be a lot more people comfortable bein #out as lesbian #like sorry but this awful ouroboros of 'all lesbians onscreen have to be cute and sanitized' meaning that people write and believe wlw has #to be cute and pure and sanitized (OR a 'badge of honor' bc good for u u doodled two women together or had it as a background in ur fic) #meaning that therefore all portrayals of lesbianism continue to be like this. is just #and im also gonna be honest theres probably a lot of good sapphic media im just in the wrong circles to have stumbled into lol. so #yknow. personal viewer bias here #but i still like swing wildly between overly brandishing my dykeness as a badge to feel like im proving im lesbian #and like. backing up under a blanket bc i dont wanna be weird or annoying or freak people out #but if people just Saw Normal Ass Lesbians. aough. #im going to watch revolutionary girl utena one of these days even if i struggled w the writing style the first few episodes #I JUST WANNA SEE AN OLD BUTCH ONSCREEN GET SOME PUSSY. #like it also doesnt help im mostly femme4butch so seeing 2 femmes on screen is like. okay cool so what. but only femmes are 'marketable'

[ittybittybumblebee]

i hate my transphobic town

#i cant escape. everywhere i work it seems theres. conservatives.... #and i cant say anything abt what i think id get in big trouble if they knew. fuck tghis town. hell.. #i have no where. everyone i actually get to talk to always seems to be this way i cant Ever interact with anyone else noooooo #anytime i go to the city and see . someone who may not b Stupid . i cant ever talk to them #i read as cis. #im not out #i dont fucking get to belong in my crowd because eveyone that surrounds me would tear me apart for it #literally all i have is being Me online so i dont feel like im being squished under a rock

[solardistress]

everyone who is in the stanley parable fandom should somehow get sucked into the rabbit hole of the story and or characters and or the concept the game presents . not like ohhh i looove the narratorso much heres my design and lore for them for it kind of rabbit hole where you fixate on this character that like. you are making uo backstory for to the point it deviates from canon because youve gone too far from the game details or whatever but but really aanalyze the game the moments the dialogue for just a moment . mmfind the meaning in the words . find somethin g profound in the data the papers the desks the situation as a whole . you cant just . romanticize the characters. without. like. understanding them first . tou cwnt do anything with the characters until you inderstand them at a gut wrenching level . at least brush uo on their wiki once in a while ? play the game ? every now and then ? treat stanley right ? anyway if you like the stanley parable so much why cant you tell me about 432 and their situation . how profoundly sad their existance is and how you trea t them. how about cookie9? why do you hate themm so much. because of a review ? tou antagonize them for what ? the narrators doing ? bexause the narrator what . yeah . tou cant even explain his actions . go go play the game and hav eit rewrite your brain . go down the rabbit hole and bask in the true horror and unrealism of their situation

#how sleepy am i jesus christ #tsp #anywayy i think what im saying is pleade enjoy the gamr and the story it has actually theres so many little details and often all i see is #just. the narrator . the endings . stanley. yeah theres feeling and emotion but j want that in words i want to to see you understand it #i want to see you see it in your own way inderstand and process it in your own way and share that #i love seeing analysis posts !!!!! uughh nbrhh. not to say that like. the fanart isnt what i want no i love the fanart so much #but i wish there were more analysis posts or something idk #idk what my point was here #i love characterization . by the way . as someone who would write fanfics and has a pet peeve of correct characterization in fics and such #i just wish more people hnderstood the game as a whole and didnt just end up being like haha ships !!!!!!!! romance !!!!! like yes ! but #but also like they have something MORE than romance. something more intimate and close . not sex yeah sure whatever but they are #connected in the most horrible ways and connected so closely and lovingly and they are connected whether they like it or not #they hate each other they love each other they are each others world they are divorced theyve been married for eternity they would kill eac #other they woukd have sex they woukd kiss they would dance they would do so many things that arent romance oriented but still close in #so many fucking ways because they love hate each other and their relationship is so conplicated you think they just suddenly love each othe #no matter what now ?? after what. you think stanley is forgiving ? after being brought through hell over and over and over again? #no! they hate each others guts i tell you. but they still stick by each others sides because they dont belong anywhere else #theres love but not in any way any of us can think. theres love but not like that but also exactly like that. theres also hate #and its a beautiful mix of the two that allows them to get along so well and endure each other for so long and further #anyway fucking . i forgot my point #anyway go down the rabbit hole 👍 this game is insane and you should be insane about it too #but like. be insane about it . not the concept of romance in this game. do not pair them up just for the sake of shipping #understand their relationship. understand them. understand their circumstances. understand their problems their bate their love #them. understand them and how much they need each other. how they keep chasing and chasing and chasing only to run #in circles. anyway what was my POINT. i ront remember 👍👍👍 #i am . so sleepy

[cuntstable]

caant stop thinking about that comic i reblogged earlier about canon genderbent laios being a miserable housewife. but what if she also went to the bar with her baby. hi

#like pushing labru yuri out of the way bc idrc. just thinking about how horrid she would be as a mom like not on purpose but Ahh. #like did miss kui understand the levels of Psychological damage she was unleashing with that What if laios was a woman comic. everytime i #think about it i start clutching my head and moaning in pain like Aaaaa. ok so shes the same personality wise with the same passions and #dreams and Freak tendencies #but no outlet for them and no one around who Gets her (bevause either way falin leaves for magic school) and no way to pursue those things #just forced to settle down and have kids way too young and live life unfulfilled and repressed and always feeling like you dont belong. ahaa

[glitterghost]

Feeling the ace-solation tonight.

#asexual #aromantic even #it just feels like the whole world looks at marriage and kids as endgame and holy fuck no #people only ever focus on who is dating who and when are you having kids and when are you getting married #like what the fuck #im over here thinking about how much time i can mash together seeing friends #and what books i want to read and bring me joy #and always thinking about these fictional worlds that have brought me so much more happiness than this one #like you belong somewhere else #like what do you do when you know nothing is wrong with you but sure as hell know others would think there is if they KNEW you #in all your ace or aro or whatever else glory #i just want quiet and peace without this looming feeling of people looking at you like youre supposed to be doing more #like you're in some fucked up timeline of having to achieve these life goals that sure as fuck arent yours #like please leave me tf alone #make the norm be however you get your happiness is the goal #the feels are real tonight #an untethered feeling of floating away or something #dont mind me im going back to my asmr videos #these tags are a mess rn

[girlcrushau]

#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/ #but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to. #until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you) #and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text. #i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in. #just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me. #im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest. #and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

[lovesickeros]

Your writing is actually like so good like i literally can't do that stuff even tho I have written for God knows how many years atp like,,, HOW?? I COULDNT EVEN COME UP WITH A SIMPLE COMPLIMENT AND YET YOU WROTE

“Your eyes glow like the cresting of the sun over the horizon, painting the world in hues of gold – yet it also reminded me of the dipping of the moon below the waves, casting the briefest, most gentle of lights upon the world engulfed in darkness. In the depths of your eyes was the birth and death of stars in the infinite cosmos – glittering stars in a sea of empty, blank space that left me feeling lightheaded and breathless.” - even the gods bleed [pt 2]

JSHDHDJDJDN THANK YOU???? I worry all the flowery language feels awkward but i am a sucker for things like that i shove it into every fic i can..glad 2 know yall like it 🏃‍♂️

im also just incredibly dramatic. it's a careful balance between being descriptive enough to get my themes across but not enough to alienate any readers and if I can't describe colors then I'm going to be a menace to society and describe it in the most vague way possible. enjoy ur 500 word description of a plate /j

#asks #anon #like. i try to avoid mentioning specific characteristics (hair color eye color skin color hair type etc) #but also ensure the general theme of what im trying to convey gets across #like in the part of my fic you mentioned (etheral and otherworldly. a disconnect between humanity and reader) #both from the perspective of the acolytes and from the reader. #almost. whimsical. unnatural. out of place. #reader is the divine but they do not belong there. #i try to be vague with readers personality as well (unless specifically requested otherwise) #but i want there to be an unease. an unatural stillness. #sort of like that feeling when you see something that looks human but its. wrong in a way. in a way you cannot describe #there is something wrong and you do not know what. you know that you must run #so a vague level of horror at play um. but lowkey eldritch horror reader is my fav soooooo #i need reader to be freaking out their acolytes but pushing thru it bc why would they be afraid of their creator? of the divine? #but that feelings of wrongness lingers at the back of their mind every time they are near #also adding to it that i dont really describe about readers eyes is that it. moves #like. whenever readers eyes move so does the view of the stars/planets/galaxies moves with it. #not in the sense that the stars themselves move. but rather that like a camera the focus has been shifted. #and now they are seeing entirely new stars and galaxies. #pats reader this bad boy can fit so much eldritch horror beyond human comprehension in them! #wow this got off topic fast um. #oop 🏃‍♂️