#i was literally suicidal and in a clinic on my birthday the day i turned 25

[spaceskam]

23 + davenzi

sorry this was late as hell. special thanks to this soulmate au idea

warning: mentions of suicide

Matteo didn’t know what he was expecting.

He’d heard his whole life of this magical day where, when the clock struck midnight on his 18th birthday, his world would freeze and only he and his soulmate would be unfrozen, free to spend their day together and unbothered.  Of course, everyone else would go on with their day.  It was like the universe would put you and that special someone on a whole new plane of existence.

However, no one really talked about what happened if you didn’t know your soulmate at 18 or couldn’t find them during that day.  He’d searched on it for weeks leading up to the day, reading forum after forum of horror stories.  He’d read more than one on clinically depressed people who spiraled, 24 hours of being absolutely alone with their own head being far too much.  Or anxious people who panicked until they couldn’t take it.  He even read a few who had attempted suicide.  Matteo was hoping he wouldn’t end up in that state of mind.

Still, as he looked around the party that Jonas had thrown and invited the whole school to, he desperately wanted to see someone as unfrozen as he was.  A lonely, pathetic part of him looked to Jonas, hoping he’d be moving.  But he wasn’t, he was frozen with a giant ass smile on face while looking straight at Hanna.  Of course.

“Anyone else unfrozen in here?” Matteo called, a last-ditch attempt at seeing if his soulmate was here.  He wasn’t.

A sigh pushed out of his chest, glancing around as he pushed himself towards the kitchen.  He really started understanding how people could feel so overwhelmed and paranoid by this.  It was disturbing, something out of a horror movie where everyone was so fucking far away from him and he couldn’t do anything about it.  He was alone.

He hoped whoever his soulmate is was coping with it.

Matteo moved sluggishly as he got a cup of water and made his way to his bedroom. He really just wanted to sleep the day away. Maybe if he slept long enough, he could wake up and everyone would be unfrozen again.

So he went to bed.

-

Matteo woke to the sun rudely shining in through the window. With a groan, he reached for his phone to see it wasn’t even noon yet.  He groaned louder.  He continued to lay there for a moment, hoping to will himself to sleep again so he won’t have to spend the day with everyone completely frozen.

It was one thing to isolate yourself. It was another to be forced into it.

However, he could only take so much before he got too hungry.  So, he had to get up.  He didn’t bother getting dressed outside of adding a pair of sweats and a jacket and he didn’t bother staying inside either. He didn’t like staring at all the frozen people, but, since they froze at midnight, there shouldn’t be many people on the street.

It was the quietest Berlin had ever been and Matteo hated it. He usually loved the quiet, but it was too quiet. Overwhelmingly quiet.  Which was really fucking annoying.

Still, he made it to his favorite 24-hour sandwich shop and walked right in.  There wasn’t actually anyone there except an employee who was frozen in the back, so he let himself behind the counter.  He crafted a sandwich as best he could and left the money on the counter.  He didn’t know exactly how this worked if they’d even notice anything was gone or if they’d get any money, but it subdued his conscious and that’s really all he cared about.  Well, that and actually eating.

“What’s cookin’ good lookin’?”

Matteo froze, his eyes casting up with his sandwich partially hanging out of his mouth. In the doorway stood a guy who was staring him down with fuck-me eyes paired with a little smirk on his lips.  If this was his soulmate, and that’s what appeared to be the case, Matteo couldn’t say the universe did him dirty.  The guy was fucking hot.  Coffee colored skin, septum piercing, stunning… everything.

Everything seemed to slow down. He was way too perfect.  Mind-numbing, mouth-watering, body-aching type of perfect.

Then he bit his lip and his face slowly broke out into a wild grin, his entire face beaming. Matteo nearly fainted right then and there. Who the hell was allowed to go from that hot to that cute that fast?  And why the hell were they his?

“Sorry, sorry, that was bad. In my defense, I thought I had some time to come up with a better pick-up line. Go figure that you’re older than me,” he said, stepping further into the shop. Matteo was frozen as he watched him.

This was fucking insane. How was someone that looked like him supposed to be Matteo’s soulmate? That didn’t make any sense.

The guy was still grinning as he leaned on the counter across from him, “I know you’re not frozen.”

Suddenly, Matteo remembered how to blink.

“Sorry, sorry,” Matteo said, swallowing the bite he’d taken and wiping his mouth. Maybe he should’ve actually tried to look nice.  “Uh, hi.”

“Hi,” the guy chuckled, “I’m David.”

“Matteo.”

“Matteo,” David repeated, seeming to roll his name in his mouth and Matteo felt chills down his spine, “Nice to meet you.”

“You too,” Matteo murmured, taking him in once more before holding out his sandwich to him. David grinned but shook his head.

“I’m good, thank you.”

“So, uh, not to sound rude, but how did you find me? I mean, literally could’ve been anywhere,” Matteo pointed out. David shrugged his shoulders.

“I figured I should go to places I would go and hope for the best,” David explained, “I got lucky.”

Matteo gulped, “Yeah.”

“I just moved here too, so,” he paused, looking him very obviously up and down in a way that made Matteo’s stomach tighten, “Really lucky.”

They fell into a small vat of silence, staring at each other without any sense of shame as Matteo finished his food.  He could get used to this. David wasn’t overwhelming, he was just a calming presence that was apparently all his. He’d known that your soulmate was supposed to be calming, but Matteo hadn’t realized he would actually be getting one.  Well, he knew, but he didn’t know know. It didn’t feel real.

With David staring at him, it still didn’t.

“Wanna hang out?” Matteo managed to ask after he finished.  David blinked so slow Matteo wondered if he was fantasizing without realizing.

“That’s what we’re supposed to do, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but if, if you don’t want then‒” Matteo stopped himself, taking a deep breath. Jonas had told him that he just had to be smooth and the girl that the universe chose for him would fall for him immediately. Of course, Jonas was missing the giant ‘queer’ sign that hung over his head. Still, he had a point. Matteo dug in his pocket. “Fancy a joint?”

David glanced him up and down, “Yeah, sure.”

Matteo gave a grin, tucking the joint behind his ear and led the way outside. They leaned against the outside of the shop and the moment he lit up, he could feel the tension slip away. No more making a fool of himself in front of his soulmate.

His soulmate.

“So, what brings you here this close to the end of the school year?” Matteo asked.  David raised an eyebrow.

“Why?”

“You’re my soulmate apparently,” It was the first time either of them had said it out loud. Yeah, still insane. “Probably should get to know you.”

“Mm, maybe,” David said, tilting his head back against the wall. He brought the joint to his lips and suddenly became the cover of a magazine.

“You not gonna tell me?”

David turned his head to face him, “Killed someone. Had to go into hiding.

Matteo grinned helplessly, “Brutal.”

“I know.”

David was easy to talk to. That was obviously a good thing since they were soulmates. This was his person.  And his person was witty, hot, nice, and so much more that he would get to learn over a lifetime. He was so lucky.

“Wanna go see a movie?  I may or may not know how to work shit at a theatre,” David said, scrunching up his nose just a little bit when he gave that wide, wide smile.

“Let’s go.”

Within twenty minutes, Matteo found himself in a theatre alone with David and a movie he’d never heard of. He didn’t mind. Nor did he even really watch it.  He spent two hours with his head thrown back, staring at David and memorizing his face.

In that time spent memorizing, he also was faced with the reality that he didn’t really have a choice but to come out now.  His soulmate was a man‒and it definitely did not feel like a platonic soulmate‒and he wouldn’t be able to hide that for long.  Maybe he could lie for a while, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to.

Maybe he wouldn’t have to even really come out. Maybe he could just introduce David as his soulmate and let everyone form their own opinion. He didn’t want to have to tell everyone, that just seemed so unnecessary. It’s his thing. He didn’t want to announce it to the world. He just wanted to say “this is David, he’s my soulmate” and have people roll with it.

Once the movie rolled to an end, they got back to talking.  He found out David was an artist, that he liked to dance, that he loved movies. Matteo couldn’t think of anything interesting about himself to share.

“So basically you’re super fucking interesting and I’m a boring ass, let down soulmate, okay,” Matteo said, laughing slightly. David rolled his eyes, shifting to face Matteo even more.

“No, you’re not boring, you’re… quiet and you’re funny. You… you’re a lot of things, I don’t know, I don’t think you’re a letdown,” David said. Oh yeah, he definitely got lucky in the soulmate department.

“Did you have anyone in mind of who your soulmate might’ve been?” Matteo bothered to ask. As much as he enjoyed hearing David say that he wasn’t a letdown, he also wasn’t one to enjoy being showered in compliments. That was enough to reassure him that David actually liked him.

“No, not really. Did you?” David asked. Silence fell over them once again as Matteo debated telling him about Jonas.  It felt like something stupid to admit since Jonas wasn’t really an option, he was more of a stupid hope.  However, this was his soulmate and what was the point of lying?

“Uh, kinda. My best friend,” Matteo admitted, looking down, “But I didn’t know if it’d be a platonic soulmate or not, I didn’t know what I was going to have.”

“I thought I was going to have a platonic soulmate,” David admitted.  Matteo furrowed his eyebrows as he looked up to him again.

“Why?”

“I don’t know, just didn’t think I’d ever have someone made for me, like, romantically. Thought I’d have to struggle to find that myself.”

“Well, what if we are platonic soulmates?” Matteo suggested though he hoped that wasn’t true. How awkward would it be to be attracted to you universe-decided best friend for life?

“I mean… Not to be rude, but I really hope not,” David said. His cheeks were tinted red and Matteo could feel his own matching it. “Do you?  Want us to be platonic?”

“No.”

“Good.”

What is the acceptable amount of time knowing someone before you kiss them?

There was something a lot more peaceful about the world being frozen when you weren’t alone anymore. He had someone to talk to, to joke with, to have dinner with, to walk around Berlin with and not have anyone interrupt them. It was like a getaway without all the bullshit that involved physically getting away. It was simple and easy and he wouldn’t have wanted to spend his day with anyone else aside from David.

As they headed back to Matteo’s place at nearly 10 at night, he was sold. The universe had given him the best gift. Part of him was even a little eager to introduce him to everyone. Just, eventually.  He wanted to keep him to himself for a little longer, to get to know him a little better.

“Holy shit, there’s a million fucking people here,” David said, huffing a laugh as he weaved through the people in Matteo’s apartment.

“Yeah, but my friend’s thought it was a good idea to invite everyone in the school so the girl of my dreams would be there to freeze with me,” Matteo feigned a wistful tone, grinning at David who snorted.

“They think you’re straight?”

“Yeah.”

“How? You’d set off anyone’s gaydar from a million miles away,” David joked, giggling even more when Matteo shoved him.  They were both smiling as he led him to his room.

“Welcome to me,” Matteo sighed, throwing his arms out and collapsing on his bed.

For the third time since he met David, the universe seemed to slow down as he watched him. David walked around the room, aimlessly touching things as he absorbed the space. Matteo hated having pretty much anyone in his space.

He liked David being there.

He liked it more when David fell to the bed beside him.

“You wanna stay the night?”

“Sure.”

Life got a little better when David changed into his clothes.

“I’m kind of going to miss the silence once the world wakes up,” Matteo admitted as David crawled under the blanket beside him, “I like being here with you.”

“I’ll still be here.”

Matteo smiled, “You got a point.”

David scooted closer, tucking his hand beneath his head. It was stupid, but it felt like they’d known each other forever. Everything was so ridiculously comfortable. He’d heard how great it was for soulmates, how everything made more sense.  He hadn’t expected it to feel this good.

He couldn’t wait until David’s 18th birthday so they could do this again.

Matteo reached out, his hand resting against David’s arm and tracing nonsensical shapes against his skin. In less than an hour, life would resume.  He wanted just this. He wanted just now.

“So,” David suddenly said, his eyes anywhere but Matteo’s, “There’s something I should probably tell you.”

“Okay.”

“I… I thought I had more time, honestly, and I’ve been thinking all day about when I should tell you.  But you’re my soulmate and I figure starting this whole thing with keeping secrets is probably a bad idea,” David said. Matteo’s eyebrows slowly pulled together in concern.

“What’s up?”

“I mean, I, I have like a rough draft of how I should tell my soulmate typed up on my phone if you wanted me to send it to you, or, like, let you read it. I could read it to you,” David offered, still not looking at him. Matteo thought about taking his hand off him.  Instead, he moved it to grab David’s nervous hand.

“Just say it.”

With a heavy breath, David said, “I’m trans.”

“Okay,” Matteo said, still staring at him. David finally, finally looked at him again.

“Is that okay?” he asked, a mix of confusion and hesitation scattered all over his face.

“Yeah,” Matteo agreed. He paused for a beat. “What does that mean exactly?”

David’s eyebrows instantly pulled together and he searched Matteo’s face a handful of times before breaking out into a wild smile.  Laughter was bubbling out of him as he asked, “You just said you were okay with it without even knowing what it means?”

“Yeah,” Matteo said. Even though he was still pretty confused, David’s smile was contagious and he gave one right back. “I mean, you’re my soulmate, you know? You’re literally specially crafted for me, so I’d eventually be okay with whatever you are. Why should waste time and energy?”

“You are insane,” David said, shaking his head, “But thank you.”

“What exactly does it mean, like, for you?”

“I, uh, it means…” David paused again, looking at him and then looking away. He eventually made eye contact. Matteo added brave to the list of things he learned about him. “I was born in the body of a girl.”

Matteo nodded slowly, “Okay. So that means you’re a‒”

“Boy. I’m a boy,” David said simply, “I just have to try a little harder.”

“Sounds like work,” Matteo said, scooting a little closer. David smiled at him, an easy little smile.

“Yeah, you could say that,” David hummed, “You really don’t mind?”

“I mean, I don’t fully understand all the mechanics of it, but if it’s who you are, then who am I to do anything but accept it and appreciate you not being a dick for me not knowing,” Matteo said, again scooting closer. David pulled him into a hug, wrapping him up in his arms all nice and tight and secure.

“I’ll answer any questions you have,” David said. Matteo shut his eyes.

“Tomorrow?”

“Absolutely.”

They fell silent all over again and Matteo found solace in the fact that the only sounds he heard were David’s breathing and his heart beating.  It was better than any pillow he could’ve ever been given.

He had spent years fearing the prospect of a soulmate and he had spent the last few months worrying that he wouldn’t find him and that he’d go insane from loneliness. From what David had said, it sounded like he hadn’t expected much either.  Instead, he got to spend most of his day with this guy who he would get to spend forever with and it was so fucking easy.

This wasn’t scary. This was safe. He prayed that David felt the same way. He had to assume he did.

Eventually, Matteo felt himself drifting off and he couldn’t really have chosen a better place to do so than in David’s arms.  The last thing he heard before time unfroze and they were given back to reality was David’s voice.

“Happy birthday, Matteo.”

#idk how well i did their whole talk #please let me know if i botched it #davenzi #davenzi au #davenzi fic #matteo florenzi #matteo florenzi fic #david schreibner #david schreibner fic #druck #druck fic #3k word #request #david's pov

[yourclonazepamgeneric-blog]

You Are Going to Do Bad Things to Children

I watch her. I watch her. Advise my sibling and sister to watch out of the other vehicle window. I think they are playing some game. I believe that they think this is a game. They're too youthful to even consider understanding. My mom is on a crucial. She is searching for my dad. She thinks he is having an unsanctioned romance. She faces him in the parking area. He says nothing. It isn't as though he doesn't have a clue where to look yet I realize that it isn't valid. Not father. Not my dad. She is shouting at Clonazepam Generic him now. I don't realize whether individuals are looking presently, taking a gander at both of them, at this scene being happened before their eyes or turning away. I pulverize my youth journal when we get at home. I am a youngster. I am injured now forever. I don't have a clue what to do. So this is my main event. I remove page by page. I fix passages. You don't see the amount I cherished this book, this diary however I don't see yet how to communicate my sentiments, my creative mind. My dad gave me this book. Consistently he has given me a journal in January. 'This is yours. This is your diary.' And I grin up at him, and with this book in my grasp I can compose anything I need. Who do I accept? I am my dad's girl. I appear as though him. I don't look anything like her, my mom. I realize she despises me. Maybe they will isolate. Maybe they will get a separation. They commute home in isolated vehicles. I am numb, struck stupid. I don't utter a word. My mom is driving excessively quick. It is not normal for her. Her dress is over her knees. Is this what love is? Human instinct is human instinct. 'Daddy,' I state later. 'I don't believe she's your perfect partner. I don't believe you're intended for one another.' But he says nothing, he just winks.

 Sex, that exchange, lovemaking for me was constantly messy. I needed to stay a virgin everlastingly, unadulterated. I needed to be a sister. I realized I must be rebuffed since the beginning, make penances, consistently sport dark, and bow when I needed to supplicate however I was not Catholic. Be that as it may, my mom set that thought on the right track out of my head. She revealed to me that there were no nuns any longer and afterward I needed to be a cleric however everyone knows how degenerate church pioneers are. I realized that I felt harmed, deprived, and forlorn even as a youngster so I discovered solace in books. In any event, when I became more established and watched films where young ladies would evacuate their pieces of clothing viewed by a stirred more seasoned man I would feel nothing. Literally nothing. Possibly it originated from adolescence. The climax in both the male and the female disturbed me possibly it originated from the way that I despised my mom who I thought had been so off-base, so inconsistent with my dad (whatever had they spoken about when he charmed her I surely don't have a clue. He was refined and taught, he had a degree and she could type thirty-five words per moment and she had a confirmation) yet I cherished my dad and venerated him. What's more, for my entire life I have needed an ideal love and not a physical love. For my entire life I have needed to be shielded from the entirety of life's tempests, other ladies, more youthful ladies, young ladies, I needed to be given a haven to compose and as a grown-up I would watch the glinting pictures of erotic entertainment quietly shouting with chuckling inside. So this is the thing that people would do to consider kids, their brilliant holy messengers, and beneficiaries to positions of authority of fixation, substance misuse and abusive behavior at home. There would be practically zero exchange. I would get either madly envious of their idiotic voices despite the fact that I knew each seemingly insignificant detail from the props to the bed was phony. For what reason would I be able? What was so amiss with me? After all they were just on-screen characters acting, doing what they were advised to do, presented, coordinated, and anticipating. I was exhausted with everything and pondered where my head was at. Of affection and sex I knew literally nothing by any stretch of the imagination. It exhausted me however not the romantic tale, not the misfortune, the reject or dismissal, the darling male or female leaving. Little skank, little prostitute, those weren't words that exhausted me, that annoyed me. What's more, as I grew up the young lady in me kicked the bucket when my mom mentioned to me what occurs right now, is said right now in the house. I grew up rapidly. Misuse will do that to you. Maltreatment on account of your mom, aunties (her sisters, her sister-in-law) the Johannesburg individuals, menaces on the play area, pompous male educators, and your first sweetheart when you are away from home, ten years more seasoned than you. Did he drive me to do things I would not like to do? It hurt. They state it generally does the first run through round. I kept in touch with him letters however I was not in affection with him. The picture I had of my folks watching two exposed young ladies swimming, kissing with tongue, feeling each astonishingly out of the water, contacting one another, finishing each other here and there, stroking their arms, their bodies. They sunbathed naked. It was the first occasion when I had seen bosoms, the curve of a lady's figure and full frontal nakedness. What's more, something within me, a little voice said that my future life as a girl who adored both her mom and father and a future life as spouse, darling and mother had not exclusively been disrupted at the end of the day decimated until the end of time. I was only a kid who ought to have been sleeping in bed dreaming. Endeavored suicide is finished with the two eyes shut. This isn't my time. No passage of white light. Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton. The confession booth writers. Sylvia, Abigail the invigorated crazies. Take a gander at me. The South African repulsiveness story. A scene made of bars at the window, specialists, and therapists.

 The mental meltdown, bipolar, dysfunctional behavior, insane, crazy, lunacy isn't composed on the body except if you tattoo it on your arm with an extremely sharp edge or cutting. You can be the ideal kid yet can your mom splendidly love you in an imperfect world, in her defective world. She didn't need me with my easy merits, my stage plays and practices, my accounts, God help us, she particularly would not like to peruse my accounts. 'Leave it alongside my bed.' She said. 'I'll peruse it before I nod off.' And I did yet she had progressively significant work to do. Shower, dress, make morning meals, and go to work. 'Gracious, I'll read it later.' She said at whatever point I stood up to her about it. She was doing even considerably more significant work at that point. Watching her drama with her stockinged feet up on the couch seat, her impact points by it with her eyes half-shut, marvelous, Hitler however without the mustache and the mass of oppression. 'Kiss me.' She requested from my asthmatic sibling wearing his cowhand cap pulling his wagon around the family room. Also, I made unlimited cups of tea. Also, as I made each cup my heart would load up with trust that she would state, 'My shrewd young lady. You're growing up so quick.' But obviously she never did. We were foragers. We ate what we could discover in the kitchen and if daddy wasn't meditative he would go out and get us something to eat for dinner. My dad would cry a great deal and I would put my arm around his shoulder, scarcely arrive at it however and ask him, 'Would you like to discuss it?' yet that simply made him cry more diligently and it was much increasingly hard to make him stop. I was constantly close to the highest point of my group however there were issues, harms. They were continually battling.

 'Great night mummy. Rest tight. Sweet dreams. I love you.' No answer consequently and it skips off dividers. I am turning thirty-five verging on thirty-six. It will be my birthday in two months. Valium close by (in every case close), Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke beside my bed, Poems by Sylvia Plath Chosen via Carol Ann Duffy, Poet Laureate. Untainted in a grown-up world. The main world where I have a place is media, that and the nearby Olympic-sized pool. Stopped up in a confined youth proceeded, sentences butchered by chuckling, hacking, a closeted assortment of books (course books, verse and short story compilations, a string of J.M. Coetzee's books line a rack, The Childhood of Jesus the most recent), obscurity, traffic fills within me that was consistently the trade. I can just nod off with a bunch of resting pills. I take long snoozes toward the evening and wake up in close murkiness. Pills. Pills. Pills. Pax. Epilizine. Eltroxin. Melatonin. Clonazepam Generic. Ativan. I have no tendency to go to Paris. Rilke abhorred it there however then again Hemingway appeared to have taken to it like water away from a duck. In any case I experience the ill effects of vertigo. For the most part individuals go to Paris since it is sentimental. Isn't the Eiffel tower sentimental? You won't get me up there. I am a masochist and become restless as damnation when I am acquainted with novel individuals and spots. It alarms me. What a snicker? Did she applaud? Is it true that she was applauding? Is it accurate to say that she is glad for the way that I am a storyteller and an artist, not a government official, not a legislator's significant other or anyone's better half so far as that is concerned and not the writer or narrative movie producer I needed to be in secondary school? At the point when she sat down in the auditorium was she pleased, was she radiating from ear to ear like the Cheshire feline. Gloom is exhausting. Be that as it may, I'm utilized to it now. Like clockwork I'm transported off for a week or so to a clinic to recuperate from psychosis, mind flights. What an outing for my conscience? I can't rest. I can't eat. My sister never drops by. She doesn't live here right now, this hellhole any longer. She lives in Johannesburg. My magnificence days are finished. I'm apprehensive they've gone dead simply like all the men throughout my life. The main thing that is waited is my continuous flow composing, my journaling and my easy chair voyaging and the individuals that I love the most on the planet kicking the bucket on me when I wouldn't dare hoping anymore disregarding me to now hit the dance floor with the bold, swim with the fishes, eat dangerous sardines on toast that have an aftertaste like salt and light. The rooms are vaporous in the house. I need to make sure to take in when I return home from the emergency clinic. There's not a lot of they can accomplish for me there but rather hang tight for the fantasies, the psychosis to pass however the a sleeping disorder remains with me, winter's unresolved issue me home. I'm a claustrophobe in the word related room. They leave m

[thessalian]

Thess vs Time

A few things:

1) I just came across another post of “90s babies we’re getting old”. Iiiiiiiiiiiiii HATE this whole thing where getting old is so horrible! I mean, I get it; I do. I get the same feeling when the godsawful radio station my colleagues insist on listening to in the office at my current job and the “all-80s hour” comes on and I realise this was stuff that came out when I was only just forming memories. But honestly? It doesn’t depress me; it impresses me. It impresses me that I have seen so much history in my 41 years on this planet (fewer, to be fair, because of the whole formation-of-memories issues when one is an infant). Yeah, I’ve seen some bad shit. But I’ve seen some good shit too. I was alive when the Berlin Wall fell. I was alive when they let Nelson Mandela out of prison (day after my birthday, in fact). I have lived to see technology grow and thrive and make life better in so many ways (yeah, sure, it has drawbacks too, but work with me here). I have seen music and art and culture more or less explode, and evolve in ways that makes the world open up to so much bigger than it was when I was a kid. And given that I was suicidal for a lot of my late teens / early 20s, and clinically depressed for far longer than that, I didn’t expect to live this long.

EMBRACE THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE LIVED THIS LONG. IT IS AN ACHIEVEMENT, NOT A CRIME.

2) I love bank holidays. I mean, it’s one day of pay I don’t have, given the temping thing, but the fact that I can just chill and not worry about what time I’m going to be in bed tonight because work tomorrow is glorious. I do kind of wish it weren’t raining, though, if only because I need to make a trip to the corner shop at some point and my umbrella’s broken. Also I was pondering maybe ordering Chinese food but I hate making delivery guys come to bring me food in wet weather. Even with tips, that just seems unreasonably cruel, to make some poor shlub get on a moped and soak himself to the bone to bring me wonton soup.

3) I do also like the fact that it is raining because maybe this means that, as we move into September, the godsawful heat waves are finally over.

4) It’s D&D night tonight and we’re moving to Discord and I still need to do some tests about that, but I can do those a little later. I am going to enjoy my relaxation time to its utmost.

5) I still don’t like the Hissing Wastes - it’s kind of dull, on the whole, story-wise (one day I want to ask Gaider, Weekes et al what on earth purpose that sandy chunk of nowhere serves to anyone but a diehard completionist because it doesn’t seem to add anything and if it turns out to be the basis for the next game, given Venatori digging up dwarven ruins, I’mma punch someone), but it’s at least kinda zen. I’m honestly only doing it because I want all the shards so I can open all the doors in that Forsaken Oasis zone and get all the cold resistance bonuses to make Jaws of Hakkon a little easier. I don’t even have to do Jaws of Hakkon but I like being overleveled. Even if I do hate how hard navigation of that whole area is.

So today’s thinky-thoughts are about time, to a point - how it passes, what that passing means, and how to treasure it. Now I’m going to go heat up something edible, hope the rain stops long enough for a shops run soon, and then go do Zen Hissing Wastes while probably ‘listening’ to information about Warhammer. Between @hyperewok1, @true0neutral and @miaaoi, and the fact that the flagship store is at the end of a bus line that has a stop literally a block away from my flat, I have a feeling that even expressing interest is going to be bad for my wallet, and I admit to being terrified of even trying to get into it because of all the tabletop hobbies, this one seems most inimical to women. I have been to a lot of Warhammer shops but I have never seen a woman at the war table, or even working in one. I’ve avoided a lot of the sexism that comes with the roleplaying community and I’m not sure I want to start now.

#Thess has a bank holiday #Thess has a weekend

[schizophelia]

February 1st, 2018: Journal

Before I start my journal I wanted to say thank you to everyone who wished me a "Happy Birthday" yesterday/today. I appreciate all the messages. They made me smile.

So my 22nd Birthday was yesterday. I didn't post how it went because I was so tired and went to bed around 8:50pm last night. My Birthday was okay. I went to the small city with my dad for his doctor's appointment because I was scared to be home alone. After that he took me to my friend's house for a couple hours so she could give me my gift. That went okay. She did my makeup and we took pictures at the park and got them developed so we could scrapbook them. She went or drive me home but there was an accident on the highway so we had to turn around and I had to stay at her house longer and waited for my mom to pick me up and take me home after work (she works in the same town my friend lives in). So my mom brought me home. I didn't really do much yesterday after I got home. I was just soooo tired from the day.

Today I helped my dad bath the dogs because they smelled bad. They both hated it but they got treats afterwards so it was okay for them I think. Today I also had a nap. I couldn't stay awake I was so tired. I am still tired. I feel so tired and lethargic it's ridiculous.

I slept really well last night. Went to bed around 8:50pm and woke up at 6:50am. Though I didn't get out of bed until 8am because bed is warm. I've been sleeping better lately. It's really nice. I might lower the Temazepam (my sleeping med) on Monday. I just want to get through the week/weekend.

Still no voices. I'm getting used to the quiet. But I have a feeling they will come back soon. They always come back. I haven't been seeing demons or spirits anymore. Or rats or any other animal. It's really quiet and strange. I hope I will be okay.

My friends said taking my medication is a good thing. But I still have my doubts and days when I don't want to take it. Today my friend and I talked about depot injections and I thought about getting them. But the scary thing is not being able to get the medicine out of me. That's why I'm hesitant. When I was in hospital, Dr. M (ward program doctor) recommended them to me. I told her no. But now I am considering it if I go off to school because if I get an injection, no one will know I take an antipsychotic. There's literally so much stigma around taking antipsychotics and I feel like that would freak people out if they found out. But another thing too is what if the weather gets bad in the winter and I can't get to a clinic for the injection? Like there's so many factors involved. It's not a for sure thing; it's merely a thought. My friend said it would increase med compliance. Especially because the Invega is so important.

I haven't reported this in a while but I just wanted to say that my mood is still okay. There are days when I do get depressed but it's not so often. This makes me want to stop the Fetzima 80mg. Fetzima is my antidepressant. I don't think I need it anymore. I don't have chronic depression anymore. My one friend said it's because of the medication that I'm not depressed but I don't know.

It's supposed to get really cold this week. I'm talking like -20's due to windchill. It's literally the worst. I fucking hate snow. It's so stupid. It's pretty sometimes but it prevents people from doing things. I haven't driven a vehicle in months because of the snow. Winter driving freaks me out. I even hate being in a vehicle during the winter. Hate it. I much prefer summer when I can wear pretty dresses and stuff.

I'm really worried about some of my friends. Some of them are so sick and lie about how they're doing. It worries me because they are suicidal and I'm worried that they will actually do it. I don't want to see any of my friends dead. That would make my year shitty. If you are reading this and are struggling, please get help. I worry about all my friends. I just want everyone to be okay. But I know that doesn't necessarily happen. I'm here if you ever need someone to listen. I care.

My mom told me last night that she doesn't think I'll be able to study psychology at university and become a psychologist. She said school will put me in debt so much and that I might not be able to handle it. She said college would be a safer bet for a different program because it's less school. I applied to both college and university. I hope I hear back soon. Honestly, I don't know if I'll be able to handle it as I haven't been in school since 2015 or work since 2016 (I think). Going to school or working full time is what scares me because I can hardly find the energy to to do something as basic as showering or brushing my teeth. Everything is so hard right now because of the lack of energy and lack of functioning.

Anyway, that's basically all that's on my mind.

Meds:

Invega 9mg

Fetzima 80mg

Temazepam 15-30mg

#personal #journal #medication #Invega #Fetzima #temazepam #friends #injections #psych ward #antipsychotic #antidepressant #college #university

[jessdunn18]

dennis

@drfrankenhyde Dennis was a loner and had too much time on his hands. His thoughts often got the better of him. He was 6'2 pale and built like a plump ham. His parents commented on his biggest insecurities often. His father who was the shape of a tree stump would mock his weight. His mom who was like a mix of a hobit and a tomato would mock his complexion and his stature. His dark hair and eyes made everyone assume he was goth. Nope just depressed. He had a hunched posture that he only fixed when he had to serve up burgers to the ungrateful jackwads that pissed and moaned about "too much mayo" at the "sub slammer" a hoagie shop perched between a subway and a quiznos in his food court. He remembers what he thought the first time he saw the place on his 14th birthday while he was stood between his then friends Jake and Austin. "Is this some kind of a joke" However since then the subway had gotten a few too many bad health inspections. The quiznos had been taken over by sketchy people since it was the only food court area that was open 24-7 and it was virtually made uninhabitable by us normal folks.  Now he shoved out shitty knock off subs at prices that were just a dime or two under the prices and a hair or two below the quality. Literally there was a girl named libby making them whose hair was flying out like it was afraid of her scalp.

Each night Dennis went home, chucked his 4 dollar "SS" cap into the corner and perched himself in the tiny office chair in his room. A room that was meant for a 5ft nothin' highschool home coming queen. The ceilings were low the walls were beige and the door was a tone of peach only described as "Vomit". He'd sit in front of his computer searching and clicking and sometmes jacking off until his eyes were blood shot orbs of disturbed mass histeria. He watched conspiracy theory videos, he watched videos of people being blown to bits by bombs and high powered rifles. He'd go onto the 50/50 page of reddit and hope for the gruesome ones. He even winced in anger when he saw a puppy playing with bubbles once. He would usually wake up after slumping down and feeling the rush of cold drool against his chin stuble. Tonight was no different he stood up slowly and stretched making a shadow on his wall the looked like bruce baner turning into the hulk. "hah, i wish" he thought to himself.  He slumped over to his bed which was a twin. His parents really wanted a girl. He fell asleep as usually painfully heaped into a fetal shaped mess barely covered by his blankets. "God i hate this fucking room" he said and passed out. After 4 hours of something inbetween sleep and an awkward balancing act he woke up to a shouting match going on between his parents in the hall. He shook his head and stood up and hulked over to the door and looked out to see them screaming. "Dennis, will you tell your mother we are not..." "oh gee dad i'd love to bu-" *Door slam* "Fuckin' nuerotic windbags" Dennis sat back down his his chair and rubbed his eyes. He was going to give it another college try. You see he would just fuck around online at night. Trying to see shit taht would mentally scar himself. However during the day he researched ways to actively end his existence. "The sooner i'm dead the sooner these fuckers can either divorce or hate fuck and concieve the little girl they've always wanted" he coughed to clear out his throat and lungs.

"Uh...lets see here" he said talking to no one. "Suicide no pain...no mess..." he typed out those words and pressed enter. His slow computer took ages to load the results. "Oh come the fuck on..another reason to do it" he said and chuckled. "aha!" he saw the screen finish loading and a result came up that was an answer to his prayers. "...Dr. Marve for the psychiatirc college for human on human intervention invites anyone wanting assistane reaching their demise to take part in this ..." he continued reading and clicked on the link. He found a phone number and an address and walked down the street and used a pay phone so his parents wouldn't have any evidence of who was involved. They never wanted him and he didn't really think they loved him but...he new some how they'd be pissed at whoever helped him. He popped a coin into the all but rusted dial. He feverishly mashed the buttons almost missing the last seven with his burly hands.  The phone started ringing and he chewed his lip as the held the reciever to his ear. He smelled like a mix of sausage and B.O. "Uggghh now i know where the homeless sleep...uh..." just then a woman picked up. "Uhmmm...*clears his throat* ...is this Dr. Marves self end assistance office n 91124 bridgetown , washington?" "Why yes it is ,why is it that you're calling, ...?" "..well i...uh" "...just kidding we know why already just a little post post moterm humor" the woman said with a giggle and under any other circumstances this would have freaked him the fuck out. However he had called her. "uuhmmm ...anyway ..i was wondering if i could make an appointment for a consultation..I have the money ...." "Oh no its free the people who pay are the ones who apply to assist the dead" The woman said. "Oh...awesome..i mean...cool" He stammered. "Yes it is.." she said sounding almost evil. "uh..you mean this really doesn't like bug you? to work some where that helps with this sort of thing?" He asked feeling odd now about it himself. "oh no we just ask that the individuals make absolutely sure they have nothing to live for or leave behind. We don't like a lot of loose en--- i mean ...messy paperwork" She answered sounding as if she was smiling. "well thats me, i'm 22, no life, no friends,,nothing..not squat..so uhm when can i come in?" He asked getting back to the point. "walk ins are welcomed" She said seeming to soften up her odd eagerness. "great i'll be there this afternoon..bye" Dennis hung up and started walking to the bus station.

He came upon the bench which was empty. Which was good because the last thing he'd want was some old woman making small talk with him. He imagined the conversation in his head. Her asking him "where ya headed" him saying "to an appointment" and from there she'd either bore him about details about her ever present medical visits which would lead him to either rudely stare forward and ignore her or blow up in her face about how ..thankful he was about being on his way to kill himself. He saw the bus approaching and shook himself internally as to stop spacing out. He whipped out his bus pass and steped onto the bus. He got on and the bus smelled even worse than the phone reciever. Like a mix of pepper farts and garbage juice. "uggghhh now i know where the homeless fuck..." he said under his breath. He picked a seat. It was acrossed from a man wearing headphones and texting. He could make out the messages on the reflexion in the glass behind him.

"vanessa speak to me, its been two days, I know i proposed at lego land. i see that was wrong now i'm so so so so sorry.." *send noise* All Dennis could think to himself was ..glad I'm about to dodge that bullet. He smiled to himself and leaned against the back of the seat and dozed off.

He woke up to the bus jolting and him almost flying off of his seat. "Whoa shit!" he said catching himself against a somewhat sticky pleather seat. That had tears so old they now looked like old war wounds. He stood up and shook his head awake. He saw the clinic sign as he stepped off of the bus.

"Dr. Marve's, Where we make life complete" He rolled his eyes and began walking toward the door. The cliinic was a little hole in the wall. He looked like it used to be a chinese restaurant or something. It barely seemed big enough to do any kind of medical shit. He got closer to the door and looked the place up the down. "Hmm, guess this is as good a place as any to die" he shrugged and reached for the door handle. It creeked and he felt goosebumps rise up on his arms. "Christ!" he said he steped inside and a blinding light sent his pupils into spasms. His vision got a bit blurry "Oh shi-" he said blinking quickly so his eyes were adjust as the door shut behind him. "Welcome, can i have your name and why you want to die" he heard as his eyes regained focus. He recognized the voice from the phone. "Hi, I'm Dennis, people used to call me Denny, my dad calls me Denise!" He said sarcastically and walked up to the counter. "And why do you want to die?" The woman said a small smile that looked painted on stuck fast on her face. "A lot of reason, I'm overweight, my parents resent me, i have no friends, i work in the food court and i can't even make a pastrami on rye right..." he was cut off by the womans interuption. "no no...the most poinient reasoning, ...like...for instance if you were struggling with your sexuality, if you were in some kind of horrible chronic pain, if you were terminally ill and afraid that it would get worse, multiple personality disorder, someones threatened to kill you or maybe multiple someones and you wanna beat them to the punch" she said making a small punching motion inward like friends do in cheesy buddy movies as she smiled at him and tilted her head. "The fuck..? No...i just hate my life, ...don't peopl ever come in here wanting to die for that reason?" He asked almost becoming angry. "Yes...and some of this back out..and we like no mess as i've told you ...so i was just making sure..." she spat back at him and then looked down at some paperwork. "now....uhm lets see here the doctor can see you...." she paused for what felt lie 20 minutes. "Now...." she said perking back up and smiling at him. "...right through that door". She pointed at a large steel door that looked like something out of a psyche ward. "uh..thanks.." Dennis thanked her timidly and started lurching over to the door. There was no hint as to what was behind it...there was a small window but it was boarded up. Whiched seemed more than a little sketchy but Dennis didn't care. He was tired of being alive. He had been depressed and sad and emotionally devoid for too long. He lacked any kind of motivation or want or need out of life. He had nothing to lose and nothing to want. So he oppened the door and thank god it didn't screech at him and there were no blinding lights. Just a sign that said "don't touch wet paint." the sign looked old. He found a door that said "Dr. Marve" He knocked softly. "Uh..doc ya in there" He said feeling his voice crack and realizing how dry his mouth was. "One second suzanne..." he heard from behind the door and a few foot steps later and he was face to face with a man who didn't look like the kind of guy you'd think would want to end lives for a living. "Hello, you must be the young man who called earlier" he said smilng. "i spoke to your receptionists tho-" Dennis started. "i have all the phones tapped, so uhm..whats was your prefered method of...Danny..?" the Doctor asked him. "Its Denny...can i come in or...?" He asked. "Oh yes sure..." the Doctor said and leaped out of the way and two stepped back to his desk and sat down. Come take a seat. "Okay..." Dennis sat down and looked around. "Are you sure you are the right doctor, i mean you don't seem like the kind of person who wants to help people kill themselves" Denny said the doubt showing up in his voice. "What makes ya say that, is it cause i'm a doctor, aren't doctors meant to end suffering, life is suffering so by helping people end their lives i'm ending the leading cause of suffering" Dr. Marve said seeming a bit annoyed but stil too chipper for Dennis's liking. "hmm...Okay..ya talked me into it...You asked me my prefered method...what do you recommend?" Dennis asked sitting back and relaxing a bit in the chair.

Dr. Marve looked puzzled and also sat back in his chair. He spun around and looked out the window. "Well, that depends, Denny,...do you want pazazz and bang or something quiet...do you want a rush...or something small.." he slowly started turning back around. "..do you want TO BE COMPLETELY OBLITERATED ...OR DONATE THAT SLAB OF FLESH YOU CALL YOU TO SCIENCE?" He said finishing off yelling in Dennys face. Dennis didn't even flinch. "Doc, look i'm starting to think this place isn't legit. Between you and better bozo out there i'd swear this fucking place isn't an office or medical clinic at all, but just you and some bitch who escaped the psyche ward and wanna freak people out" He finished what he was saying and began playing with a loose piece of rubber on the sole of his shoe. Dr. Marve sat back down and brushed the small wrinkled out of his shirt.  "no no...i could see where you'd get that idea but no...i just like to get someons blood pumping one last time before it stops, now...how do you want to die?" He asked again this time quietly but looking Dennis straight in the eyes. He pulled out a syringe and walked over to Dennis. "what the hell are you gonna do with that?" Dennis said tensing up in his chair. "nothing...unless you want me too" The doctor placed the syringe on his desk and leaned on the edge of the desk with his arms crossed. "Hell, i'll even leave and you can do it." He said nonchalantly shrugging his shoulders before walking back to his chair. "okay. I wanna be put down in a decent way. I'll take the injection..but i'm a big dude make sure you've got enough to do the job there doc." Dennis said and pulled up his T-shirt sleeve. "oh it'll do the job." The doc said and picked up the syringe and walked over to Dennis and pushed it into his upper forearm. After that the doctor tossed the syringe in a plastic binned marked "sharps".  At first Dennis didn't feel much. Then he felt his fingers and toes going numb. He felt his nose twitch. He wasn't feeling pain. He felt like he was falling asleep sort of but one of those hidden sleeps. Like you're tired but not tired enough to admit it and before you know it you're waking up and its morning. Dennis felt his mind become less aware which was probably a blessing. He looked around the room one last time the walls were turning into jello and Dr. Marve was knealing down to check his pulse. "Almost there"...He felt nothing and it seemed over. Everything went black and he thought  "so this must be death...Theres a whole lotta nothing"..he said in that dark emptyness for what felt like days. Just then something felt jagged...he could feel himself again. "Damnit, i went to hell...i was afraid of this..." He could hear voices...and he could smell chemicals and feel something like against his skin. Just then it hit him. "i'm not dead..I told them that little syringe full of shit wouldn't do the trick" He was alive but he couldn't open his eyes..he wasn't breathing. Just then he woke up...He was strapped to a bed...He was stuck there. He could feel his head getting foggier. He was losing his memories, his thoughts, his feelngs, his friends, his family, he felt panicked and then all of a sudden he couldn't feel anything. He couldn't remember who he was. "Denny boy!, how is my little patient?" Dr. Marve said walking over in a white lab coat that was covered in God knows what. "whose Denny?" he answered. "Well, my friend, you were,..you wanted to die...i'm sorry, Denny wanted to die..so we killed him, Now you can be whoever you want" Dr. Marve said smiling. "...who are you?" He asked. "i'm a miracle worker, and about to be bloody stinkin rich!"  Dr. Marve exclaimed.   "Are you sure about this Marve, are you sure no ones gonna come looking for him like they did the others?" Suzzane the receptionist asked a hint of sadness and desperation hanging in her words. "Don't be silly, he's just some kid...we'll let him lose and he'll be found by the authorities wondering around Zoosky park in his socks and boxers and they'll take him home where he'll have a new life where everyone loves him cause they've missed him." Dr. Marve said now sounding as if he was desperate to believe his own bullshit. "but he won't be him, not...not after this" she said panicking. "Thats what he wanted, Denny wanted to die, he's dead now, and now ...whoever this sap becomes next will be much happier you'll see." The doctor said stripping off his lab coat and putting on his regular coat and hat and grabbing his briefcase. "you're just gonna leave him here?" Suzzane said looking at Denny's body and stroking his face.   "no we are, now come with me toots we've got plans to make!" He boasted and grabbed Suzzane by the wrist and pulled her out the door. She watched as the empty minded man strapped to the slab dozed off again. She hoped desperately that some of his memories would reform while there were out.

The next day Dennys body awoke and was now free of its restraints. Suzanne was standing over him with a smile. She rubbed his hand. "welcome back Denny, ...how was your nap?" she asked. "Denny,...is that me?" the person asked sounding less sedated and loopy. "Uhm...it was...., do you remember anything..?" She asked him. "I remember a needle...and darkness...and .." He looked up to the ceilng. "low ceilings" He blinked and smiled subtly.  "But our ceilings are 12 ft high...?" Suzanne said feeling puzzled.

She handed him an sausage egg mcmuffin, Denny had hated eggs but she didn't know that.  "Here i got something for you to eat just cause you don't remember food doesn't mean you shouldn't eat some."  He took a bite and made a face...and then stared straight ahead for a few seconds.   "what, what did you feel, ..or see?" She looked deep into his eyes...watching his pupils shift. He started blinking fast and spat the bite he had taken into a napkin. "why'd ya burn the eggs mah?" he said and looked irritated. "I'm not your mother..." she said and realized he could remember small things. She smiled but vowed not to tell the Doctor.

The man stood up and took baby steps around the room. He walked over to the mirror and looked in it. He tilted his eyebrows up and smiled.  "Do...ya...uhm... do you remember yourself?" The woman asked.  "Myself, ...thats me?" he said lookng at Suzanne then back at himself and mussing his hair up.   "Yes, you came in here...and wanted our help and now..you...dont' remember yourself..or anything" She said as her shoulder slumped as she walked up to Bennys body.    "Why did i need your help?" he asked.    "you were...uhm..sad and unhappy..and now you can't remember why so i guess that's a plus" she said nearly cryiing.  "It'll be okay" he said and hugged her.    "How did you know to hug me?" she asked confused.    "i don't know i must have seen it somewhere" The large man looked confused.    "...so it does remember.." she said stroking her chin.    "who is it?" Dennis asked.     "..uh...nothiing....yet" she said looking him up and down. She walked out of the room and came back in with a pencil and paper and wrote down the alphabet.  She held it up in front of him.

"Do you remember any of this?" She said. "Well, Duh, Those are letters, do you have anything besides eggs...i'd rather have pizza" He said. "Yeah i'll go get some pizza you go rest  uhm...i'll be back" she said and sped off out the door lockng it behiind her. She hopped in her car and all the way to the pizza place she was smiling and thinking "shit shit fuck" at the same tme.    She began talking to herself in the middle of traffic. "if he remembers somethings he might remember and be mad, but this is a breakthrough, if it worked...if it doesn't he could end up brain damaged in a week in Zoosk park lke Marve said...but no..shit...Suzzane you've gotta help him" she said and shook herself out of her conversation. She parked and ran in to grab two slice of pepperoni pizza, she paid with a $10 and said keep the change. As she charged back to the car she noticed a couple walking in and over heard their conversation.

"No Drew, he wouldn't just take off like that I know my Denny" The woman collapsed into the mans arms crying loudly. "There there Amy, We'll find him...He probably just passed out on the bus and ended up out of town at Rodgers again"

She watched them enter the pizza shop and sped off in her jeep back to the small clinic. She pulled around back and entered through the lab doors. She walked in to find Dr. Marve waiting with a tablet watching Denny's vitals.

"Oooh for me?" He said grinning. "uhm...no i got it for him..you can have the left over egg mcmuffin overthere though" She said smuggly and walked over and nudged Denny. "He won't wake up what did you do?" She said putting the pizza on a stand. "I'm fixing him, thats what he came here for so thats what i'm going to do!" He said. "You know he's sort of remembering things, and if we can trigger the good memories and keep him from  remembering the bad long enough, he won't have pain attached to them anymore" She said trying not to sound bossy. "That wasn't the plan Suzanne, we were meant to find them a living host, someone who was alive but mentally empty who they could toy with for a bit." The doctor sad almost screaming. "Why not try someone with dementia or something inoperable" She stammered. "Because we need someone young and strong not some brittle old cow with dead brain cells this could be a breakthrough in mind control, it could lead to incredible things Suzie!" He said sounding like a mad scientist. "Don't call me Suzie, I haven't been Suzie since August when you..." she stopped and started scratching intently at her arm.  "Cured you?" He said trying to prove a point.  "You didn't cure shit, i felt empty with those memories, but at least i knew why i felt empty now...i feel nothing...!" she screamed and collapsed in tears. Just then Dennis woke up.  "Why is she crying?" He asked looking slightly mad.  "why do you care you don't even know anything" The doctor said scoffing at his unfunny remark.   "I know enough" Dennis said. Just then he shoved the doctor out of the way and onto a syringe of his solution. He knealt down and looked at Suzanne she was scratching a gash into her forearm. "why are you doing this?" He said pull her hand away and covering her arm with his other hand.     "because i had memories that hurt me...and he took mine,...and sometimes i wish i could remember, and when i can't i just..." she fidgetted trying to reach back and start again.      "No.." He stood up holding her wrists and looking her in the eyes. "i'll help" he hugged her and they both heard the Doctor fall over with a thud.     "Ill help you too." She said and sniffled while she wiped the tears away. The both took a slice of pizza and ate it. Then they lifted the doctor onto the stretcher and strapped him in.

A little back story on suzanne. She was sexually abused as a girl. Her parents left her for dead and the Doctor found her when she was a teen. He tricked her into having the percedure. He reconsidered it for a bit and then thought it would work out better on a male brain. She can't remember the abuse but there is still sadness and pain. Baseless pain and shame...without her minds ability to explain and so she does the scratching thing as a coping mechanism and reaactionary impulse. PTSD without any understandable trauma so the brain must create some kind of trauma or prompt the body to do so.

...

The walked out locking the door behind them. Suzanne and Dennis got into her car. He hit his head on the arch of the car door. "Yee-ouch damnit happens every time, fuck!" He shook his head and then looked around. "Where am i?, Where's Doc. Marve? Why am i not dead?" He said looking straight into Suzannes eyes, then down at her arm. "Oh god,,..Did i do that to you...f i did i'm sorry i didn't know what that syringe had in iti knew...i shouldn't have let him do...thi-" she put her hand over his mouth. She looked him dead in the eyes. "Stop, you're panicking, Dr. Marve attempted to wipe most of your memories. I dont know how much you remember but i've been trying to revive whats left of your memories...he originally was going to wipe your brain like a harddrive and sell you to some people who were going to use you and mind control you to do bad things Dennis" She said and pulled her hand away. "please call me Denny" He said and looked confused at himself. "do you remember the names Amy and Drew?"She said slowly. "uhm...Amy is...uhm.." He started stuttering and winced hard and was visibly in pain and laid flat against the cramped carseat. "whats ...wha---" Suzanne looked at him feeling horrible. "...she's my mom" he said smiling. "Yes!" Suzanne said starting her car. "Do you know a Drew?" She asked unsure of the result. "i think he's my dad..." He said sounding shakey. "yes!, i saw them and overheard them talking about you at the pizza place i wasn't sure until just now that you were the Denny they were talking about but now i know. I want to take you home to them, they miss you, my parents didn't love me, and in a way i know Dr. Marve saved my life back then but ...i can't remember anything and i only stay with him because i'm scared. its all i know" She said welling up and swallowing hard. "But you're not a little kid you're a grown woman, ...surely you want to do something else" Dennis said as they pulled out of the parking lot and went off to the pizza shop hoping they would catch his parents.

After about 5 minutes they reached the redlight before the pizza shop and A green Subaru was pulling out and Dennis saw it and it triggered his brain. "Thats my parents car!" The light turned green and they pulled out and followed the car until it reached the police station. It pulled in and they followed. After they did Dennys dad go out and walked up to Suzannes car as his mother walked into the police station. "what the he--whaaa...is that...?" he saw Dennis sat there in the passenger seat. "Dad?..." Denny said confused. "what do you mean. Dad?... of course i am come here!" he walked over to give him a hug.   "I think you're my dad, so i'll hug you" Denny said and hugged him. "He thinks, what did you do?" Drew said looking angrily at Suzanne. "I need to tell you and you're not going to believe a word but the man responsible did  the same thing to me only i don't remember anything. Your son still remembers you. The truth will be hard to hear but i save him and brought him to you and he's slowly starting to remember things. He came to the clinic i no longer work for as of today. He came in yesterday he wanted to die. He was tricked into thinking we offered assisted suicides. The man responsible attempted to wipe your sons memory  it didn't work. If it had he'd be having his mnd controlled by someone else right now." She said breaking down into tears. "We gotta tell the cops and take them and go get this fucker!" His dad said. "I know exactly where he is too but we gotta hurry!".

Drew, Denny and Suzanne walked into the police station and poured their guts.  At first the police didn't believe Suzanne until she was fingerprinted and just as she was about to be questioned her finger prints came back. She hadn't been left for dead. Her parents hadn't left her for dead in fact they had been looking for her all this tme. Her parents were contacted as Suzanne told the cops where the man who she now knew had sexually assaulted and kidnapped her was located her parents were contacted.

Denny was reintroduced to his parents, and himself. He learned to appreciate life. His mind was never quite the same though. He now is the manager of the Sub Slammer and invents knew kinds of sandwiches every month.

Suzanne is starting to remember things. Just not the bad parts.

Dr. Marve had his medical license revoked.. 20 yrs ago and is now serving extensive time in a psych ward where they do experiments on him to figure out whats wrong with his brain.

I know the ending wasn't a dark as you may have thought it would be but i hope its still good none the less.

[staegeymasque]

A History of My Wasting the First Half of My Twenties

Being as I’m going to turn 25 in 2 days, I felt like I needed to get how much shame I feel over the wasting of at least half my twenties down somewhere. In fact, the last 7 years have, in my eyes, been not a complete waste, but certainly have not been even close to maximized and I can only hope I don’t repeat these mistakes with the last half of my 20s. In summation: I graduated college with a 2.7 GPA in Communication - Social Media focus. I gained 130lbs, going from 170-302lbs, albeit I’m 290 now so maybe it’s not accurate to say that anymore. If it’s worth mentioning, I’m male and 6′0″. I went through 10 jobs in that 7 years, though one is a repeat and one I only had for 3 days, not knowing that A. I wasn’t good at it and B. That I’d be let go only 3 days after being hired due to “under-performing” without being given much of a chance. So let’s be generous and actually call it 8 jobs, though that still means I’ve had more than one job per year, if only just. I was fired twice. I’ll walk through year-to-year. Hopefully this is therapeutic for me in some way. It might take a few parts. There’s a lot I need to say and not a ton of people I can really say it to.

18-19: I graduated from high school at 21st in my class, coming off a 9-month relationship that had ended badly and poisoned the well on several other burgeoning friendships. For reference, my sister was 5th. Being in the top 15%, I had a decent chance of getting into any school I wanted in my state (Texas) but not a sure thing like top 10%. I started my first job--at a gas station--a month after I graduated. I initially had a panic attack about the responsibility, almost quit and had to pass it off as being claustrophobic due to the little kiosk. I wasn’t quick enough initially to be a cashier so I only did outside work and didn’t get many hours. There was a prevailing feeling I’d be fired. I wasn’t, at least not yet, but worked quite a lot. 40 hours a week and going to college full time, working 55-60 hour weeks during my winter break because my boss was out for back surgery. After an incident involving me (on 3 hours of sleep) getting scammed out of lotto tickets over the phone, I was fired after 9 months of working there, on my dad’s birthday.

I did poorly in college because I couldn’t just skate by on being a smart kid and ignore doing homework until the last minute anymore. I didn’t want to go in the first place, but my mom insisted that taking a gap year would just make me a lazy bum that never went to college and ended up a loser, so I “chose” to go, something I’ve never been allowed to forget. I hated it every step of the way and changed from a Theatre major to a Computer Science major two weeks in. I did awfully in these classes in particular, just barely getting through trigonometry with D and not even passing my Comp Sci 101 class the first time. I passed it in the second semester with a C, but realized I could not--in hindsight, would not--do the work to succeed. I talked to my professor about it and they told me flatly that if I went to a Liberal Arts degree, I would fail. Feeling like I didn’t have another option and, having successfully taken a Speech course that semester that I did very well in and enjoyed, took the recommendation from the Liberal Arts side and changed my major to Communication, with a Social Media focus. I gained 15 lbs, going from 170-185lbs, roughly. 

19-20: After being fired and turning 19, I had time to work on my classes going into the summer. I’d actually slacked off extremely hard in my Appreciation of Music course and was in danger of failing literally the easiest class in the history of anything because I was constantly missing the course sessions to play League of Legends in the University Hall on my dad’s laptop. I’m omitting how into My Little Pony I was at this time (and when I was 18) because, though it did take up a decent chunk of my social life, I don’t feel it’s super relevant. I did a lot of pony RP, collected tons of figures and posters and shirts and such bought with my parents’ money (because I needed to save up and my mom supported my love of the show) and I’m sure it got in the way of my success, but it’s not wholly relevant.

In any case, I saved my grade in that class by meeting with the professor and telling him that I was doing tons of work at my job outside of school, and that they were working me so hard and for so many hours that I couldn’t stay awake and was having to catch up on my sleep in the University Hall just to stay functional. While it was true that I wasn’t sleeping much, or well, it was, as far as I’m concerned, an outright lie. He hugged me, told me that I was taken advantage of and that I should know someone cares about me, and changed my grade from a 50 to an 80. There are rare few times in my life that I felt worse than that, but I was getting a lot of heat from my dad and being threatened that if I failed one more course, he would pull the plug on my college education. In some ways, I wanted that, but knew it could make my parents give up on me. In some ways, I wanted that, too. I felt I had no choice. I never missed another class and got an A for the course.

I had a blip on the radar job working overnight at Walmart over the summer, as well. It pushed on a little too long, got in the way of a group project where I shouldered the blame for not doing any of the work (even after we ran out of time on the actual presentation day and I improvised to keep us going for the rest of the time period required to pass). I got the lowest grade in the group and went from having an A in the course to only being able to get as high as a C in the course. I’ve hated group projects ever since, though I will concede not doing enough of the work mostly because I hated the idea the other members came up with. The job was terrible, although I liked being nocturnal, and midway through this incident I quit after 4 months there. i had a rough time with my video editing class, and my education slowed to a halt as I meandered along only taking 1 or 2 classes a semester. This is easily one of the lowest points in my life and I struggled with suicidal feelings regularly. I had a good base of friends both in real life and online and games to distract me, as well as mostly supportive (if harsh, in my dad’s case) parents, so that network kept me ambling along, if only just. I gained another 20lbs here, going from 185-205lbs.

20-21: Very little worth talking about happened here. I went to college with quite a bit of improvement. I was also going to a dermatology clinic at the time to get treatments for my acne-prone skin. My dad chewed my ass in the lobby at one point for my GPA being “shit” and me knowing it, and I started crying and had to think about it the whole time I was getting the uncomfortable whole-body UV light treatment done, because I knew he was right. Me being me, I took “my GPA is shit” and made it “I’m shit”. If nothing else, the treatments really did fix my acne and I went from constant breakouts to currently having almost no acne at all. 

I was also in an online relationship (and, in my eyes at the time, a pretty intense one) with a guy in New England and played a lot of tabletop games. The relationship was good enough for a long time and I cared a lot about this other guy. He got a job and stopped taking drugs “for me”. We were very in love and all that, but after a bit longer than a year I found out he’d gotten back on the drugs and was talking to other people basically the same way he’d been talking to me. I told him to go get fucked and broke up with him. I was hardline anti-drug at the time (and in some ways still am) and his usage disgusted me, given it was marijuana and lots of alcohol, if I recall right.

Apart from that it’s a pretty nothing that year that I almost remember nothing from. I’m sure I met some new friends online but I’m terrible with remembering the positives. Moving on.

21-22: After nearly a year and a half of joblessness I was basically told that shit was over with and I was going to be employed. I looked for a bit and landed a job at a small Walmart-like “little of everything” store in a run-down part of the next town over. I worked full time (or as much as they could give me, which was almost never a full 40 hours) during the summer, and for the most part I enjoyed the job. It was very relaxed and I could basically just screw around on my phone most of the time while I was working, until a customer came in or a shipment needed to be sorted, or a delivery needed to be unloaded into the back room and processed. That changed when, doing my usual thing one day, I got sent home because it was “slow” and later found out it was because the assistant manager said I wasn’t doing anything. Which was true, but I was also under the impression that was sort of fine, I’d done it all the time with no complaints before, and so did everyone else. I got very upset and, with my hours dwindling (at my request, but I’d wanted to work 20 hours a week while in school and they only had me on 10-15), I quit after 3 months and went to work at Domino’s after getting a job there.

The job at Domino’s was great for the initial honeymoon period. I got to drive to all kinds of places I’d never been while listening to music and relaxing in my car, the tips were amazing and helped me earn way more than I ever had before, even with the gas expenditure, and I hardly had to help in the store at all when there were lots of deliveries. I worked the oven (taking out pizzas and sandwiches and such, labeling them and putting them on the heating rack for delivery), the front counter, washed dishes and cleaned up in the back when I wasn’t doing deliveries. I loved it, I considered it my best job ever. 

Then, like always, the problems started. I liked all my coworkers, and the manager, quite a lot, but I very much disliked the owner of the store. He was pushy, rude about how much work was being done, and made everyone walk on eggshells. On top of that, I had to deal with tons of shitty customers once they taught me to work the phones, and while most nights were good for tips, the lack of a consistent schedule was wearing on me. I could go in at 5pm and get out at 7pm one night, then go in at 5pm and get out at 11:30pm the next night, all based on how busy the store was (or wasn’t).

If I closed, I at least knew I would be there from 6pm until 1:30am most of the time, and could plan around it. This is also where I started taking other people calling out “sick” personally and realizing how much it was affecting me, especially since I never called out. Following an incident where the power went out in the store and the manager, instead of shutting us down for the day and letting everyone go home, decided we’d do things “the old fashioned way” since the ovens were still working, and take orders by hand over the phone, attaching them to the boxes with tape. The day after, I put in my two weeks because I felt like the owner didn’t give a shit about any of us there. It was 9 months into working there. I got hired on to my next job, at GNC, on my birthday when I turned 22.

I don’t really remember anything from school at this time. I’m pretty sure it was an average semester that ended in Bs, Cs, and an A.

I’ll cover 22 and onward if I bother with another part.

#wasted time #twenties #regret #depression #self-critical #low self-esteem #theraputic #long reads #longform #reflection