#low self-esteem

[bloody-bee-tea]

Height difference

This isn’t the first meeting Jiang Cheng attends–not by far–but he still feels like a child that is allowed to sit at the grown up table.

He’s the youngest by far, even though Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen bridge the gap somewhat, and he’s also the most inexperienced one.

And he feels as if no one ever lets him forget it.

The worst by far is Jin Guangshan of course, the condescending asshole. Jiang Cheng almost sneers just looking at him. The only somewhat non-negative thing Jiang Cheng has to say about him is that he at least treats all of them equally bad. It doesn’t look like he has much regard for Lan Xichen or Nie Mingjue either, and even though those two are accomplished war-heroes he treats them with the same disdain as he does Jiang Cheng.

At least Jin Guangshan’s behaviour was to be expected.

What came as a surprise–and therefore hurts much more–is the way Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue treat Jiang Cheng.

He had hoped for some guidance from them and instead he gets treated like a child at worst or ignored at best.

Lan Xichen falls into the latter category with how he seems determined to not even look at Jiang Cheng and instead of asking him questions directly he addresses them to the entire room even though everyone knows that Jiang Cheng is the only one able to answer some of them.

It makes Jiang Cheng fume but he guesses that’s at least better than what Nie Mingjue does.

He doesn’t miss a single chance to put Jiang Cheng on the spot, clearly waiting for him to slip up and lose face for himself and his Sect but Jiang Cheng refuses to do so.

He always comes especially prepared for these meetings and no matter what Nie Mingjue throws his way Jiang Cheng always has an answer.

Not always the most satisfactory, he is painfully aware of that, but at least he doesn’t have to stammer his way through an excuse.

Nie Mingjue is clearly displeased by the fact that he hasn’t slipped up yet if the look on his face is anything to go by and the satisfaction Jiang Cheng gets from that is enough to fuel his nights of studying in preparation for these meetings.

Still, it hurts and it’s exhausting to know that all of them are against him. He could need allies and guidance most of all and instead he’s here alone, fighting, and feeling as if the other three Sects would gladly see his downfall.

“Sect Leader Jiang, what is your insight on these attacks?” Nie Mingjue asks him, effectively jerking him out of his thoughts and Jiang Cheng clenches his jaw in an attempt not to glare at him.He knows that he should have brought these attacks under control when they were happening in his lands but he didn’t manage to find out what caused them and it seems as if Nie Mingjue is not going to let him forget it.

Never mind that all the dead already weigh heavily on his conscience.

Jiang Cheng is aware that everyone is looking at him expectantly and so he sits up even straighter. He gives a brief account of everything that he does know and he is painfully aware of how little it is.

“I see,” Nie Mingjue says once Jiang Cheng is finished talking. “Thank you.”

Jiang Cheng just barely manages to hold back his scoff; he knows he’s being judged harshly for not being able to protect even his own lands.

He knows that he failed his people and he doesn’t need Nie Mingjue to point it out to him.

Still, he has to be polite to these people because the consequences of a less than proper behaviour are unthinkable.

He barely managed to rebuild Lotus Pier and he’s not keen on losing it so soon again.

Jiang Cheng manages to hold his own for the rest of the meeting but once it’s concluded he can’t help but to give in to the urge to flee.

He needs space and room to breathe; a place where he doesn’t have to pretend, if even for just a few short minutes.

But not even that is something he gets.

“Are you alright?” Nie Mingjue asks him, clearly having followed Jiang Cheng into this garden and he inwardly chastises himself for not hearing Nie Mingjue’s footsteps.

He should have been more alert.

“I’m fine,” Jiang Cheng bites out, turning around just far enough that it’s no longer considered rude and he hates how Nie Mingjue stares down at him.

At least Lan Xichen has the grace to never hold their height difference–however little it may be–over him like Nie Mingjue does.

And even Nie Mingjue is only a few centimetres taller than him, though he certainly tries his hardest to make it look like that much more.

“You seem agitated,” Nie Mingjue says despite Jiang Cheng’s clear wish to be left alone and Jiang Cheng instantly freezes.

He can still hear his father’s voice, saying those exact words with a voice heavy with disappointment at Jiang Cheng’s lack of control of his own emotions and it only makes the anger in him burn brighter.

How dare Nie Mingjue judge him. 

“I know how hard it must have been to talk about the attacks,” Nie Mingjue goes on and now Jiang Cheng can’t hold back his scoff.

Hard, right. Nie Mingjue even sounds sorry, but Jiang Cheng knows better. 

“It’s never easy to talk about a failure, is it?” Jiang Cheng sneers at him and then walks away without a look back.

It’s a risky move; Nie Mingjue could take it as a slight against himself and his Sect and that would mean dire consequences for Jiang Cheng but at the moment he can’t find it in him to care.

Let there be consequences; he’s sick and tired of Nie Mingjue looking down on him, lording his height over Jiang Cheng as if that would mean anything and he’s especially tired of the way Nie Mingjue tries to make him look like an inexperienced fool.

He stalks off in the direction of his quarters, half a plan forming in his mind.

Damn this beast that is taking so many innocent lives and damn Nie Mingjue as a whole. He’s going to find the monster and he’s going to kill it, even if it’s the last thing he does, if only so he can stick it to Nie Mingjue that way.

~*~*~

Jiang Cheng is painfully aware that he overestimated himself. Quite literally painfully aware, even, because the wound in his side burns like it’s on fire and Jiang Cheng wonders if the monster wasn’t venomous on top of everything else.

It would just be his luck, really.

Jiang Cheng’s steps are slow and unsure as he makes his way back to his quarters and his side feels warm with blood but it doesn’t matter.

He slayed the beast and that is what is important. Now Nie Mingjue won’t be able to rebuke him anymore or look down at him for not being able to handle this on his own.

Jiang Cheng feels a little bit as if the fantasy of Nie Mingjue’s surprised face is everything that keeps him on his feet right now and so it takes him a moment to realize that Nie Mingjue really is in his quarters and that it’s not just his imagination.

“Wanyin,” he breathes out and then a second later he is right there, hugging Jiang Cheng close to his chest.

A very irritated part of Jiang Cheng notices that somehow despite the not so pronounced height difference between them his head fits neatly under Nie Mingjue’s chin and he distantly wonders if Nie Mingjue is making himself bigger somehow.

“What are you doing?” Jiang Cheng somehow gets out and he’s confused when he feels a minute shudder run through Nie Mingjue.

“I’m hugging you,” Nie Mingjue gives back and Jiang Cheng is left staring into nothing because this really doesn’t make any sense.

“Why?” 

“Because I thought you were dead.”

Normally Jiang Cheng would bristle at that, since it’s insinuating that he’s not strong enough to take care of himself but Nie Mingjue’s voice shakes just like his body does and it makes Jiang Cheng hesitate.

But even a moment to think does not mean anything smart comes out of his mouth next.

“You know I hate you, right?” he wants to know and he feels how Nie Mingjue nods his head. 

“I know.”

“Then why are you hugging me?” he demands to know, and there it is again, that shudder.

“Because I don’t hate you,” Nie Mingjue whispers. “I’ll let go of you in a second and then you can be as mad as you want, but just–I thought you would die.”

Jiang Cheng doesn’t know what’s possessing him but when Nie Mingjue talks about letting go of him, he flinches and his fingers unconsciously grip Nie Mingjue’s robes harder. 

Nie Mingjue must have noticed because he squeezes Jiang Cheng just a little bit tighter and even though it tugs uncomfortably on Jiang Cheng’s side he goes almost boneless with contentment at their position.

“What is going on?” Jiang Cheng breathes out, too confused to even form a coherent sentence but even like this he notices when his traitorous hands tighten their grip on Nie Mingjue’s robes even further.

“I am hugging you because I was scared for you,” Nie Mingjue says again. “I’m not sure why you’re hugging me back,” he then admits and Jiang Cheng knows he should let go of him but he can’t bring himself to do it.

Just a little while longer, Nie Mingjue had said it himself.

“But you don’t–you look down on me,” Jiang Cheng mutters, convinced about this and remembering all the moments that prove it as well.

“You are a tiny bit shorter than I am.”

“That’s not what I mean!” Jiang Cheng bristles with indignation. “You make it a point to be as tall as possible only to talk down to me.”

“I–oh,” Nie Mingjue whispers out and Jiang Cheng tenses in anticipation of the confirmation that is surely going to come his way now any second. “I’m trying to look taller to impress you,” Nie Mingjue then admits and Jiang Cheng blinks.

“What.”

“I’m just–” Nie Mingjue takes a deep breath and pushes Jiang Cheng away, who almost fights him on it before he realizes how stupid he is being.

He didn’t like the hug anyway, there is no reason why he should fight to keep it.

“Wanyin, when I say I don’t hate you, I mean that I am in love with you,” Nie Mingjue explains in that tone of voice that Jiang Cheng sometimes uses with the youngest disciples.

He doesn’t like being treated as if he’s six and his instinctual reaction to the tone means that the meaning of the words need a moment longer to hit him.

“You’re what? But you think me stupid and incompetent!”

“I don’t! When did I ever say that?”

“You don’t have to say that, your actions speak words, and they are received, loud and clear.”

Jiang Cheng frowns at Nie Mingjue, daring him to refute his words and he’s not at all prepared for the way Nie Mingjue’s face falls.

“You think I’m what? Trying to make you trip up? To make you look like a fool?”

“Is that not what you’ve been doing?” Jiang Cheng wants to know, but all of a sudden he’s unsure in face of Nie Mingjue’s genuine confusion and distraught.

“No!” Jiang Cheng has never seen him display any nervous habits, but right now he’s wringing his hands in front of his chest and Jiang Cheng distantly wonders if he picked it up from Nie Huaisang or the other way around.

“I was trying to guide you! Xichen hates opposing anyone too much to outright pay attention to you and it’s not as if Jin Guangshan would ever leave a good hair on you so I thought if I roped you into the conversations, if I made you speak up just a bit more, then the others would see that you can hold your own. And you’re new to all of this; I remember when I first ascended as Sect Leader. I desperately wished for someone who guided me through all of this, if even with a simple question. I’m sorry if my attempts came off as condescending.”

Jiang Cheng can hardly believe his words but when he replays the last meeting in his head he goes cold. What Nie Mingjue said is true. He was simply trying to get Jiang Cheng involved in everything and Jiang Cheng’s own insecurities and issues have coloured his actions in a less than favourable way.

“You don’t think I’m incompetent for not being able to deal with the monster?”

“Wanyin, the monster wreaked havoc in all of our lands, not just yours. And none of us ever got to see even a hair of it. Until you now, it seems,” Nie Mingjue says, his eyes falling to Jiang Cheng’s bloody side. “And you got hurt for it! Why didn’t you say?”

“It’s not as if you let me,” Jiang Cheng grumbles but now that Nie Mingjue has brought attention to it, his side starts to throb again.

“I’m sorry. Let me bring you to a healer and then you don’t have to endure my presence any longer, alright?” Nie Mingjue asks and gives him a small, if pained smile.

“No,” Jiang Cheng finds himself saying before he can give proper thought to it. 

“No? What do you mean no? You need a healer!”

“No, I mean, it’s not okay that I don’t have to endure your presence any longer, “ he says but he knows that the words don’t make any sense even as they leave his mouth unfiltered.

“I–don’t understand,” Nie Mingjue admits and Jiang Cheng grinds his teeth together.

He doesn’t want to say it, he doesn’t understand where this is even coming from but the thought of Nie Mingjue walking away suddenly seems bad and if he’s being honest with himself then he wouldn’t mind another hug.

It had been kind of nice, fitting into Nie Mingjue’s arms like he had.

“I mean that I don’t want you to leave.”

“But you hate me,” Nie Mingjue cautiously says and Jiang Cheng fights the impulse to stomp his foot on the ground like he truly is six years old.

“I–might have made that decision based on a misunderstanding,” he finally admits and he doesn’t know what to do when Nie Mingjue’s face softens at his words. “And I would like to correct that.”

“I would be more than happy to stay available until that misunderstanding is cleared up,” Nie Mingjue says with a twinkle in his eyes and then reaches out to brush an errand strand of hair out of Jiang Cheng’s face.

“But a doctor first, mh?”

Suddenly not only Jiang Cheng’s side feels as if it’s in flames.

“Lead the way then,” Jiang Cheng snaps at Nie Mingjue in an attempt to hide how flustered he is.

“Sure,” he easily gives back and leaves the room to bring Jiang Cheng to a doctor.

Jiang Cheng is slow to follow though, still mulling something over in his head and when Nie Mingjue questioningly turns back around Jiang Cheng has almost worried his lower lip bloody.

“Wanyin?” Nie Mingjue asks, clearly worried again and while Jiang Cheng squares his shoulders in preparation of what he has to say, he can’t quite meet Nie Mingjue’s eyes.

“And maybe afterwards, you could–hugmeagain?” he rushes out, embarrassed beyond belief but he has to admit that it had been nice.

Nie Mingjue had smelled nice and his arms around him–even the fact that Jiang Cheng’s head perfectly fit under Nie Mingjue’s chin is now something that makes his face heat up with something else than anger.

It clearly takes Nie Mingjue a moment to untangle his mess of words but once he does he steps forward and takes Jiang Cheng’s hand in his.

“Once your wound has been treated,” he promises. “You can have as many hugs as you want.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” Jiang Cheng snaps out, falling back onto that familiar anger but it only makes Nie Mingjue laugh.

“My mistake,” he immediately amends, though he is clearly still amused. “We will start with one and then see where it takes us. Better?”

“Marginally,” Jiang Cheng huffs out and then walks past him to finally get to the promised doctor.

He does feel kind of lightheaded and he’s blaming the blood loss for it.

There surely couldn’t be any other reason.

And when Nie Mingjue smiles that soft smile at him again and Jiang Cheng’s heart rate picks up, that has to be because of the poison, Jiang Cheng is certain of it.

It couldn’t possibly be because of anything else.

(There is no poison and by the time they reach the healer his wound has long since scabbed over. Still, Jiang Cheng maintains his stance.)

Link to my ko-fi

#bt writes #mingcheng #the untamed #mdzs #nie mingjue #jiang cheng #canon compliant #hurt/comfort #misunderstandings #injury #love confessions #low self-esteem

[quietly-by-myself]

not sure if you’re taking requests rn but i’m shooting my shot anyway and you can always come back to this if you want to :)

a lot of your stories are constantly on my mind but lately i’ve been missing redshift! i‘d love to read something either from fearons early time with jules (maybe fighting his addiction/ withdrawals/ getting clean in general) or something in the future with fearons recovery of all of the horrors from the main part! i‘d love to see how his his state is in general after what he went through and also how his relationship with jules is now potentially different (but still loving! hopefully at least).

I love requests!! To your second request - we're about half way to 3/4s of the way through the story with Archimedes and Fearon.

This is some fluff, not really whump in the traditional sense. It's angsty as hell though.

Barely Worthy

CW: mafia whump, addiction, low self-esteem, vampire-human relationships, mentioned consensual spice

Jules knew something was wrong with Fearon. Even if he’d only known the vampire for a year, he’d gotten to understand that vampire in a way he hadn’t understood many creatures before. 

Fearon wasn’t a shy creature. Straightforward and cold at times, Jules sometimes wondered how he’d fallen in love with Fearon. It was early and Fearon had a track record of short relationships. He’d been up front with Jules about that.

However, when Fearon came back from the speakeasy’s doctor, the way that Fearon hung his head told Jules everything he needed to know. It was still awkward to care for an ex-mafioso. A creature brimming with power relying on him of all people for comfort was a strange thought. Even as Jules took Fearon’s hand, he could feel that power.

“Fearon, something’s wrong.”

Fearon looked up at Jules. His eyes were brimming with tears, not power. More importantly, Fearon was afraid. Jules knew what fear looked like and that was how Fearon looked.

“The depression, he says the shit caused it.”

Right. A long-term user of a medication meant to treat anxiety was going to have serious effects.

“At least you’re not throwing up everything anymore.”

Fearon shook his head, moving Jules’ hand away gently. “I don’t deserve you, Jules. I don’t fucking deserve anything. I- I’ve hurt people. People I thought I loved and those I hated. I don’t want to hurt you, too.”

So, this was one of Fearon’s moods. Moments of extreme sadness and worry. Jules wished he could help, but he had no idea what Fearon was going through.

Tears rolled down Fearon’s cheeks. Jules reached up to wipe them, but Fearon moved his hand away, turning away, and wrapped his arms around himself.

“Fearon-” Jules sighed. A tinge of anger flared in Jules’ chest.

“I knew what I signed up for. You told me everything long before we started dating. Friends with benefits. Whatever you want to call what we have. I- I can make decisions for myself. You need to stop worrying about other people and start worrying about yourself, Fearon.”

Fearon took a breath, looking at Jules. “How can I not worry about you, Jules? You’re human.”

“And I’m a damn tough one, Fearon. I’ve survived a hard life. Now, I want you to worry about yourself. Not about me. Not about the place you escaped. You. You need to focus on getting better so you can be who you want to be.”

“But I don’t know what that is.”

“Fearon, I don’t think anyone does. We just have these- vague notions of what we should be. I know you, Fearon. You want to be a better person. Vampire. Whatever. I want you to be better. To feel better. You need to get off the clonazepam and stay off it. These ups and downs are hurting you.”

“I know. I know. I’m just- it’s hard. I don’t feel like myself without it.”

Frustrated, Jules blurted out, “Do you even know who that is?”

Silence filled the room. Fearon’s crying soon turned to sobs. “No. No I don’t.”

“Fearon- I didn’t.”

Fearon cut him off. “It’s okay, Jules. Just. When I was with my Boss, he determined who I was. So the answer is no, I don’t know who I am. But I want to know who I am.”

“It’s familiarity?”

Fearon nodded, wiping his tears. Jules sighed. He would never understand addiction, not the way that Fearon experienced it with alcohol, men, and clonazepam.

“Familiarity is the right word for it. I’m scared.”

It was strange to hear a powerful vampire admit he was scared, but Jules found a response on his lips immediately.

“I am too. I’m scared of seeing you lose yourself to your sorrow and vices. You’re a good person, Fearon. You’re strong. You can do this.”

Though perhaps misguided in retrospect, Jules’ words seemed to penetrate Fearon’s shields.

“I will.”

#mafia whump #addiction #low self-esteem #vampire-human relationships #mentioned consensual spice #whump #whump writing #asks #whumpblr #whump community

[pursuitoftruth]

i can pinpoint a myriad of things that helped tank my self-esteem over the years, but having my 11th grade english teacher make us craft an ABC book of our faults and flaws to go along with “the scarlet letter” is really high up on the list.

#personal #about me #american education system #things not to do as an educator #low self-esteem

[the-enchanted-mistakes]

Oh for the love of- Misc! You need to stop obsessing over your master and let him go. It's not healthy to keep the thought of them trapped in your mind, and never moving pass that point in your life. People come and go and the best stick around for as long as they can. But if all you are looking at is the past, you will never see those in your future.

#minion talk #minion thoughts #low self-esteem #self worth #self value #(i like your question anonymous #(very true) #(its indeed unhealthy) #(sadly this is the one of Misc's weakness) #(obsessive can form low self-worth) #:) #(fucked up character are fun) #(looking forward if they ever grow out of it) #misc the enchanter #minecraft oc #minecraft ask blog #anonymous #obsession

[whump-blog]

i think nearly a year ago you wrote a drabble about a pet whumpee and their old friend caretaker. could you write a continuation of that? maybe there is some more progress in the recovery, maybe whumpee starts to recognize their friend… <3

Hello anon, thank you for sending this ask. I really enjoy it when someone is interested in something I write enough to want to read more.

I'm sorry I haven't answered sooner, I've been very busy these last two months. But I swear I started writing this second part the same day you sent me this request.

Thank you and I hope you're still around here to read this :D

CW: catatonic whumpee, low self-esteem, fear, angst, feelings of guilt, past pet whump, recovery whump

Part 1

The days in Caretaker's house seemed to affect Whumpee. Headaches and sudden flashes in the middle of everyday actions had been increasing over the last few months.

Today Whumpee had been tidying the house, cleaning as he did every Monday. Leaving everything perfect for the person who gave everything for him.

And then as Whumpee swept the floor looking distantly at Caretaker, something happened, the event was unexpected and sudden.

It was the light, maybe? The time of day? The smell? The atmosphere? Or something that Whumpee couldn't explain. But the sight of Caretaker standing there against the light of the window, just passing by, brought to his mind, something like a déjà vu.

But it wasn't just that, no, it was something stronger, the image that entered the retina of Whumpee's eyes stiffened him.

Everything seemed to come together. The flashes he had been having, the headaches and the disjointed images and sounds that came and went out of nowhere came together like pieces of a puzzle to give him the answer he hadn't been looking for.

It all seemed to make sense. And Caretaker, as usual, was quick to notice Whumpee's startled face.

"Whumpee?" called Caretaker.

The broom slipped from Whumee's hands, and he stared blankly. In shock. A thousand thoughts raced through his mind, and the world seemed too much. Overwhelming. And then the information frenzy stopped.

Caretaker ran towards him, but Whumpee was no longer present.

-----

Whumpee had been catatonic after recovering his memories. During which time, Caretaker had had to care for him almost as much as the day Whumpee had arrived at his home.

Whumpee spends all day in bed, looking out of the window, but seeing nothing. He eats when Caretaker puts food in his mouth and lets himself be carried away so that his friend can give him a bath. It is not that he is not objecting; it is simply that Whumpee is not there.

Eventually one day, as Caretaker was putting Whumpee to bed, Whumpee reacted. He came back as suddenly as he had left. He grabbed Caretaker by the wrist as he was about to leave the room. Whumpee pulled him by the arm and hugged him, leaning his head on his shoulder. Emotions burning in his chest, he shed only a few tears that were enough to accept the forgotten truth.

Caretaker could no longer contain himself either, and decided to share the moment of release of long-held anguish with his friend.

-----

After that, life went on as before Whumpee regained his memories, almost as if nothing had happened. Whumpee and Caretaker went back to their routines. Only now, while watching TV, eating dinner or cleaning the house they could talk about the old days, their adventures together and the times they had shared before Whumpee was turned into a pet.

Anyone would have thought that the worst was over, now Whumpee had nothing to fear. His friend who had always been by his side would not let anything bad happen to him, and Whumpee knew that.

But there was something else, as the days passed a deep fear grew in Whumpee's mind. He knew that now that he had recovered his memories, he would have to leave. Go back to his old life. The thought disturbed him, and Whumpee could not accept that truth and face Caretaker.

How could he be so ungrateful? Even now that he had all the pieces of his life, he decided to refuse to do what he was supposed to do. Pack his bags and stop living off Caretaker's work, but instead of doing that he continued, like a parasite, to take advantage of Caretaker's kindness.

Then, like the cowardly worm he was, he began to do everything in his power to make sure Caretaker wanted him in his home. He cleaned every day, always cooked for Caretaker, ironed the clothes, made the beds and saw that everything was perfect.

Caretaker of course noticed this, but Whumpee brushed it off. He excused himself by saying that he enjoyed doing something in return for all that Caretaker did for him, besides, he was in the house all day anyway!

And things, for a while, seemed to be going according to plan until one day they weren't.

Despite all his efforts, the stress of what might happen in the future had been building up in Whumpee, causing him to make a mistake that day, a simple mistake, a stupid mistake that had resulted in revealing the secret he had wanted to keep from Caretaker.

He had forgotten to turn off the water in the sink when he had finished washing the dishes, and it had ended up overflowing. The floor was soaking wet and Caretaker was about to arrive home.

The situation reminded Whumpee of what had happened in the first few weeks at Caretaker's house, when Whumpee had not yet recovered his memories. And just as the day of the burnt dinner incident, Caretaker arrived in the middle of the disaster.

And at that instant when Caretaker crossed the threshold Whumpee burst into tears, kneeling on the wet floor, his tears mixing with the water that was spreading everywhere.

Caretaker lifted him off the floor and carried him out of the kitchen. Sitting him on the living room couch.

"Wait here," said Caretaker, leaving Whumpee, who was listening to the footsteps on the wet floor. Caretaker had returned to the kitchen to turn off the tap and once again solve all the problems Whumpee was causing.

When Caretaker returned to Whumpee's side, he was still crying, only now silently. His elbows on his knees and his face staring at the carpet on the floor. Caretaker knelt in front of him to gain access to his eyes, the entrance to what words could not convey.

"Whumpee, you know it's all right, there's nothing serious going on that can't be fixed. You know me, you know I'm not going to get angry or hurt you." Caretaker tried to explain as he always did, with simple, comforting words.

Whumpee cried harder after those words. Knowing that Caretaker deserved an explanation and not for Whumpee to add to the sadness he had already brought him since he came back into his life.

"It's…it's just…it's just… I… I… I-" Whumpee continued to sob, unable to utter his thoughts, "It's not perfect…" he finally admitted.

"It's okay whumpee it doesn't have to be perfect… everybody makes mistak-"

"No, it's not; you don't understand… you… if it's not perfect… now that I have my memories... there's no excuse, there's no reason for me to be here-" Whumpee broke down again as the cards were laid out on the table. Now he just had to listen to his destiny.

Caretaker said nothing, from where he was kneeling in front of Whumpee he just watched him with a perplexed expression. He stared at nothing for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts, but when he looked back at Whumpee he did not say a word. His face showed understanding and no words were needed as Caretaker took Whumpee in his arms and the two shared a moment of a warmth that no person could have put into words.

#whump #whump writing #pet whumpee #pet whump #whumpee #caretaker #slavery whump #slave whumpee #conditioning #conditioned whumpee #dehumanisation #angst #feelings of guilt #low self-esteem #recovery whump #recovery #fear #catatonic whumpee #red writes... #answered ask #ask #anonymous #anon #anon ask #whump request #Thank you :D #heart anon

[self-improvementgirlie]

What Are The 2 Main Causes Of Lack Of Self-Esteem?

n the realm of psychological intricacies, the concept of self-esteem takes on heightened significance for women, whose experiences are often colored by societal expectations and personal narratives. This post delves into the distinctive tapestry of female psychology, exploring two primary contributors to low self-esteem – negative self-talk and maladaptive cognitive patterns, alongside the profound impact of experiences of trauma or abuse.

 

2 Main Causes Of Lack Of Self Esteem

Negative Self-Talk and Maladaptive Cognitive Patterns:

Defining Negative Self-Talk for Women:

Negative self-talk, the silent dialogue within, takes on unique hues for women. Shaped by societal expectations related to appearance, behavior, and achievement, this self-criticism magnifies perceived shortcomings, fostering an environment where women's self-esteem becomes intricately tied to societal ideals.

 

Understanding Maladaptive Cognitive Patterns in a Female Context:

Maladaptive cognitive patterns, deeply ingrained, are often influenced by gender norms and stereotypes. From over generalization to personalization, these patterns become part of the narrative shaping a woman's self-concept, influencing perceptions of her abilities, body image, and worth.

 

Impact on Women's Self-Esteem:

For women, the impact of negative self-talk and maladaptive cognitive patterns is profound. It goes beyond undermining confidence to fueling a pervasive sense of inadequacy, particularly in the face of societal expectations. The resulting self-concept can hinder personal growth and positive self-regard, underscoring the unique challenges women may face in their journey toward healthy self-esteem.

Experiences of Trauma or Abuse and Their Impact on Women's Self-Esteem:

Defining Trauma in a Female Context:

Trauma for women encompasses a spectrum of experiences, including gender-based violence, objectification, and systemic discrimination. These experiences, often intertwined with broader societal issues, can leave enduring imprints on self-esteem.

 

Impact on Women's Self-Esteem:

The aftermath of trauma in women's lives can evoke pervasive feelings of shame, guilt, and worthlessness. Negative core beliefs about one's identity and capabilities become deeply ingrained, shaping the lens through which women view their own worth and navigate societal expectations.

 

Healing and Intervention Tailored for Women:

Addressing low self-esteem rooted in trauma necessitates a nuanced approach, acknowledging the gender-specific impact of these experiences. Therapeutic interventions, such as trauma-focused therapies and support groups, become vital tools for women on their journey to reclaiming a positive self-concept and fostering resilience.

#confidence #low self-esteem #self-esteem #low self-confidence #low confidence level #how to build my confidence #how to build my self-esteem #how to build my self-confidence #femininity #feminine energy

[kim-poce]

Sidekick 18 - The Plan (1)

Previous | Next

Masterlist

CW: implied past emotional abuse and manipulation, hero whumper, sidekick whumpee, low self-esteem.

=-=

Ma’am Rose’s base was incredible doesn’t matter how you look at it, first of all it got a whole level for dormitories and recreation, and two whole gardens, which showed that whoever designed it had people emotional and psychological health in mind, most people think that as long as there is food and breathable air everyone is okay. Zen had met people who thought the latter was optional when people leaving on the base couldn’t be productive.

The base had also one thing Zen had only heard about in underground bases; sunlight. It was a mirror system or something, so only the light was coming and the toxic air was out. It was surprising in itself, also it makes sense why Rose —a villain— insists on staying in this base instead of changing it.

Zen took a deep breath, walking alone in the hallways as naturally as he could pretend, if he got his information right the duo wasn’t in the base the whole day today, which is usually worrisome, he hoped they weren’t on the superficie —too long breathing that air was bad even if they are healthy— but he wasn’t thinking about it today, no, not today.

Today he was glad Freya wasn’t around, after all, he isn’t smart, Freya would catch him red-handed before he could do anything at all, and he had to do something, he knows, for logic, that the team doesn’t like him, but on the other hand, who does? Who would even like him? At least they gave him somewhere to live, he can’t just let Rose get them, after all, they aren’t as good at taking pain as Zen is.

The first thing he did was to find the central room where the henchmen in charge of looking at the cameras’ footage were. The pattern of the base map was complicated, one thing was to find a way up and down the levels, another thing completely was to find a specific point.

Luckly, Zen had experience, the team rarely explained anything before ordering him into villain’s bases, he was good at finding his way and avoiding people’s eyes. But of course, there was still a big issue there; they were watching, whoever was in the footage was watching. He had to walk naturally, pretend he knew where he was going, pretend he was allowed to leave his room.

“Mini hero!” A voice called from behind and Zen swallowed hard before turning around to meet the unknown villain. “I knew it was you, mini hero!”

…Mini hero? “W-who…?” Zen tried, looking down, the person in front of him was wearing casual clothes, so they were either a high-ranking villain in there or they were on a holiday and decided to wander out of the dormitories. What a lack of luck…

“You are that Zen, right?” the person gestured up and down at him, “When I heard Ma’am Rose had captured a mini hero ‘Zen’ I wondered if it was you, and now looking at you there is no doubt you are the Zen Campbell.”

Zen swallowed hard. He knew what the villain was talking about, he knows he is easy to remember, his height alone was memorable, he was too short to be a hero, he was memorable even without the long silver hair and bright red eyes, he would be easily pointed out of a group even if that video wasn’t all over the internet.

The video of the torture, before the public knew he worked to Hero. Everything changed after that day, since then everyone knows he is Hero’s, anyone who recognizes his face knows who he works for, even here, in this city so so far away, people still know he belongs to Hero. They know he is weak too, they know that only Hero is kindhearted enough to pick him up. After all, who would want a brave but weak and idiot little boy under them? Since the video he became a brave young man, but a useless person no one wants.

“Y-yes,” Zen said in a low voice, his confidence in his plans going down the sink. “That’s me.”

“Of course, I doubt there is anyone who looks like you,” The villain said with a smile. “You got quite the look you know?”

“Y-yeah,” Why are they smiling? Why are they acting so friendly? What do they want from me? Why don't they mock me arealdy and leave? … Why did I leave my room?

“What are you doing here, mini hero?” the villain asked, and Zen did his best not to flinch and, of course, failed, flinching hard and taking a step back.

“S-sun,” he tried, he wasn’t so far from the area with natural light, it wouldn’t be weird to look for a little on warm light, would it?

“Alone?” The villain asked, forwing. “Well, I guess you do whatever, everyone knows you are Ma’am little protegee now.” Zen swallowed hard when the villain gave a few taps on his shoulder. “But, you sure you can go there alone?”

“I-I… Ma’am a-allowed me too,” he lied. Was it a too obvious lie? Should he confess and apologize?

“I didn’t mean it,” the villain said, still smiling. Why does everyone in that place smile at him so much? Do they want to hurt him this badly? “I mean, can you find your way there?”

Oh, right… Maybe this is about the video too, Zen was never in the spotlight after that, so they don’t know, they don’t know what he is good at and what he isn’t. Everyone must think he is stupid, idiot and useless. Hero said it wasn’t time to show him yet, but still, this question hurts. Zen tried, he tried really hard, he trained and put in a lot of effort, he is —was— a sidekick, a hero-to-be, yet no one knows it, right? No one knows he tried, no one knows how hard he worked, right? Will he always be the boy Hero took pity on?

“I-I can, it- I know where it is,” Zen said.

“Sure? The path can be tricky, tho,” The villain said, again patting his shoulder, “But whatever I guess, I’ll be going. Nice to see the mini hero around, you helped me win the bet, I knew it was you.”

Bet… Zen tried not to think about it while the villain walked out into the maze-like hallways, once he couldn’t see the person anymore he went to the path he was sure led to the cameras room, at least he had one thing on his side, if people think he is that much stupid he can just say he lost his way if he is caught where he shouldn’t be. That’s good.

Yeah, yeah, that’s good it doesn… it doesn’t hurt, it’s good that they think it, it’ll… It'll help me. He thought it to himself over and over while taking each step closer to his cumply and certainly stupid plan.

=-=

Taglist: @cupcakes-and-pain, @whump-blog, @wolfeyedwitch, @canigetanamenforbritney, @notyouradveragefarmgal, @extemporary-username, @melancholy-in-the-morning, @rose-pinkie, @latenightcupsofcoffee, @nicolepascaline

#whump #sidekick whumpee #hero whumper #low self-esteem #villain caretaker #Zen the Baby #unknown villain isn't mean #whump fic #Sidekick

[badbacksadsack]

I’m grateful to have a safe space and life and joy today. I woke up, albeit slightly tired because I was in waiting mode for the shop that I ordered between 11 and 3 but I did everything I set out to do. I have food, and toilet roll and just my basics sorted. I am happy I did another task at the same time as waiting so i could focus my energy and attention somewhere else. I managed to make some yellow dettol floor water which smells lovely and did the bathroom and corridor. I would like to eat breakfast and hoover today and enjoy some rest based living. Not let the noises of the day overstimulate me but be in control of what I am in control of, like my breathing, saying positive affirmations to myself when I need to, being gentle and loving because I need that loving compassion to feel like I have the energy to keep being resilient. I am about to come onto my period this week which is okay as it is completely natural, my body is doing great and handling everything I need her to🥹 I love how intentional I’m being with my peace lately, I don’t think I would have the peace I do had I been choosing to focus my time and energy completely on my previous unstable relationship, going through the rollercoaster motions. I love that I am choosing me, my peace, my stability and my future over fake love (performative romance), shallow attention and surface connection. I can be happy again I just have to keep letting go of the heavy baggage I carry, it’s a choice to be burdened with not loving self in a world that profits off having low self esteem. I love my reassuring smile, my perfectly human being body, I love my inner strength and resilience, I love my hair and my skin, I love how black I am all over, I love how much creativity and joy radiates all over my community all over the world. I know hate has been taught so it can be unlearned, I know the answer is love. I want to pause in kindness and to give the benefit of the doubt, because that’s how I want to behave, treat others and be received. I choose joy and choose me. I love myself and I know I have to be gentle setting and respecting my own boundaries, so I feel comfortable to set them with others and accept that everyone needs healthy boundaries to thrive. I’m getting out of survival mode, I have everything I need alhamdulilah from food to cleaning supplies to kitchen roll reserves to toiletries. I am grateful that I have everything I need and even when I don’t, I know I have the capacity to keep myself safe and nourished. I’m grateful to be here, praise be to the most high.

#loner #dysphoria #self deprecation #isolation #executive dysfunction #low self-esteem #depresso #anxious avoidant #isolated #actually bpd

[viaviv124]

Trust us and don't cry

God fucking damn it. He messed up again. He knew he did, only further proved by the sharp pain in his left side, unable to tell where the initial wound striked just a moment ago, causing him to topple over and fall to his knees, gasping out quiet curses as he did. 

Dust knew, he just single handedly messed up the entire mission by carelessly getting injured instead of watching his back like he was told to do. It didn't take long for the others to abort the mission and escape back home, him included. 

As soon as they were back in the castle Dust instantly 'took a shortcut' to his room. He didn't need the others to tell him what a failure he was after wrecking the mission. Papyrus was covering that already, as well as his own thoughts. 

"You are really so incredibly useless, Sans!" he heard his brother's voice ring out, louder than anything else that he might or might not hear right now "Even that free EXP is more useful! I'm honestly surprised at how you're still alive! If it was me deciding, I would've gotten rid of such a burden!" Dust didn't respond. He didn't have to. It was true after all. He was the one fucking up mission after mission recently, always disappearing fast enough before anyone could yell at him. He was pathetic and weak, as further confirmed by the tears that started quietly making their way down his cheekbones. "You are so weak and pathetic. A failure. I am ashamed to be called your brother. Oh well, what was I expecting? You always knew how to not do anything right! And now you're even bawling over your own failure! You do not deserve any kind of comfort or compassion, so shove it!" Quiet sobs made their way out of his throat as Papyrus kept scolding him. 

The mass murderer doesn't know how long he cried before he heard a firm knock. As if a button was pressed, he instantly went quiet. Or, well, tried to at least. He forced his sobs down and felt them building into a lump in his throat, making breathing the air he didn't need ultimately harder. His sniffs could not be prevented entirely either. Still, he forced himself to be quiet as he heard a voice on the other side. "Dust, open the door." The voice was firm and could only belong to the King of Negativity himself. Why would Nightmare seek him out? Had he finally had enough and wanted to get rid of him? Not like the hooded skeleton could blame him. All he did was fuck up after all. He could hear Papyrus' scolding again, "See? Even your oh-so-beloved boss gave up on you! You can't even be used as a simple tool anymore, that's how useless you really are!" 

Another firm knock was heard and Nightmare called out again firmly, "Open the door." But instead of following the order, Dust just sat on his bed, fearing to be killed, or worse, being brought back to his Timeline with that demon child. He quietly choked out the suppressed sobs, not being able to hold them down any longer. His throat felt sore and hurt like hell. God, he was pathetic. 

Once again he lost all his awareness of his surroundings as he curled up and quietly cried. Suddenly he felt something move next to him. His fight or flight instinct triggered and in milliseconds he had a sharp bone summoned and took a swing at whatever entered the room. Before he could hit anything his wrist was held with a strong grip and Dust finally realised who was in his room and blocked his attack. 

It was Nightmare and a tentacle was wrapped around his wrist. 

Great. Just fucking great. He tried to kill his boss. Now isn't that dandy. At least he hoped that his own death would be quick. "Calm down," the corrupted skeleton spoke before getting rid of the attack and letting go of the smaller's wrist, who rubbed it slightly, avoiding his boss' gaze. "I've been told you were injured earlier today," he proceeded to speak, eyeing the left half of Dust's body, the hoodie covering it was already drenched in leaked magic. "'m fine," the skeleton in question responded, mumbling "sorry…" he added just as quietly. "I'm not mad," Nightmare reassured him as he slightly lifted the drenched hoodie, much to the injured skeleton's displeasure as he flinched. "Would you prefer getting rid of it yourself?" "No need." The corrupted skeleton looked at him suspiciously, "Are you hiding something from me?" No answer. The taller sighed before getting rid of the soaked hoodie either way. 

He was met with quite a few nasty scars, which didn't heal properly and were only loosely shut due to high LV. Dust attempted to cover himself with his arms and lowered his gaze even more, if that was even possible. Now Nightmare had proof that he was useless and only fucked everything up. He expected to be scolded, yelled at, punished, just ANYTHING, but nothing of that sort happened. Instead Nightmare's gaze softened and he put his hand first on the new wound and then the scars as he applied healing magic. The touch itself stung and hurt alot, causing Dust to flinch and gasp. Pathetic, showing himself so vulnerable. "If he wanted to, you could die any second. You're not worthy of his mercy," Papyrus spoke up again. The now hoodless skeleton tensed up even more, trying to hold back tears without success. Suddenly he felt a hand on his right cheekbone, carefully wiping his tears away with a thumb. "Dust, look at me," Nightmare's voice sounded softer than before and Dust hesitantly raised his head. His face was a mess. Various tear streaks painted his cheekbones and more tears were flowing down. His eye sockets had very clear bags from crying and his mismatched eyelights were shaking slightly. He didn't want to be seen this way and he wanted to avoid seeing Nightmare's expression so he squeezed his sockets shut. Painful and pitiful sobs made their way up again and his entire body shook. He was so incredibly pathetic. 

As Nightmare kept healing him with one hand, he gently moved his other hand from his cheekbone to the back of his skull, caressing it slightly. His tentacles carefully laid on his back, gently pulling him in a hug and laying him against his body. Dust's breathing and shaking increased as he subconsciously clinged to the other. Then somehow something inside him just snapped. He cried loudly, apologising over and over for being a pathetic failure, half of the time barely being able to speak properly. Dust couldn't make out what or even if Nightmare spoke to him. All he could do was cry, cling to him and feel him gently petting him. 

The next thing he noticed was Nightmare lifting his tentacles, removing a part of the security he felt, causing his breath to hitch and to whine out painfully. Then he felt something else around him. It wasn't Nightmare's tentacles but something else that was familiar, however he still refused to open his eyes. His senses blurred again as he kept crying, not even being able to form a single thought. Whatever just came hugged him as well, from one side even carefully kissing away his tears. And another weight laying on his shoulder. He could also feel being pet and comforted. 

He never felt like that before. It was a warm feeling, not painful at all. It felt safe. 

Finally he could make out all the blurry voices that spoke to him as he cried.

"You don't need to apologise. You're doing well. You're fine. Nobody is mad at you." Nightmare's voice. It sounded soothing and reassuring. He had finished healing his injuries and gently caressed his ribs. 

"You did a great job. No need to cry." Horror's voice. It was soft and caring. It was also him kissing away the tears. 

"Dusty, you need to stop worrying in that thick skull of yours." Killer's voice. It sounded a bit more caring and reassuring than usual. It was also his head laying on his shoulder and gently nuzzling his neck. 

"You did nothing wrong. We got you, alright?" Cross' voice. It was soft and reassuring. It was him joining Nightmare in petting and comforting him. 

It took Dust a bit longer to properly calm down, though when he did, he was panting slightly. He was also still clinging and pressing himself against Nightmare, eyes closed. The exhausted skeleton felt himself gently and carefully pulled away a bit, which was met with a pained whine. The shaking kicked in again until his back was gently laid against a different frame. It was probably Horror. Killer had repositioned himself to just hugging Dust for now. Before Dust could form any coherent thoughts yet he felt something held against his teeth and Horrors low but soft voice was heard clearly. "Open, please." He did as told and parted his teeth, only to be met with refreshing, cold water. He drank the cool liquid down and after a few sips the bottle or glass, he wasn't sure, was pulled away. "Good Job" Horror praised him and gently nuzzled his skull before passing him back to Nightmare, who began caressing his skull once again. "Do you want to open your eyes?" Dust shook his head slightly and clinged to the King of Negativity once more. No, he didn't want to. He was too scared. And he didn't want to openly accept their care for him. He didn't deserve it after all. "Come on, Dusty! You're fine! We'll protect you from anything that hurts you, alright?" This was the first time he heard Killer's voice so compassionate and caring. A soft kiss on his temple from Cross and the words "You're safe, I promise." gave him the courage he needed though. He wanted to believe their words. He wanted to believe them so much. So he did his best to ignore Papyrus' taunting insults and opened his sockets.

The first thing he saw was Nightmare's upper body and himself clinging to the taller's sweater. He took a shaky breath and looked up. Nightmare had a soft and incredibly caring expression. "You did well, Dust. Good Job" Dust tightened his grip a bit before hesitantly turning around to see the others. Horror had a worried and loving look on his face. His hands gently wiped the remaining tears away. "No need to cry. We're here." Killer's look made Dust question his own sight. Killer's soul was shaped as much as an inverted heart as possible and his dim eyelights carried so much care and love. He pet his head. "See? You're fine!" Cross looked by far the most worried, though his gaze was really reassuring too. He laid a blanket around Dust's, still exposed, upper body. "You can always rely on us."

Dust was overwhelmed, to sum it down. He didn't understand. Why did they care so much? Why weren't they mad? All Dust did the past month was fuck up and be a burden. And now he was so pathetic to break down in front of them, bawling his eyes out and barely being able to tell left from right at the moment.

"You are loved and cared for by everyone here. Trust us, Dust, and don't hide your feelings like that." Loved? He was loved? But before he could question it further, the three skeletons in front of him came closer and all joined Nightmare in hugging him. Before his mind could react to that, all 4 skeletons around him gently kissed him. First Killer, then Horror, then Cross and lastly Nightmare. Dust could feel the tears returning. He really didn't understand. Killer swiftly wiped them away before they could fall and said "No more crying, Dusty. That was enough being sad, okay?" Nightmare gently stroked his cheek "You don't need to understand. It's alright to be confused. Just trust us in taking care of you and your pain. You deserve it." Dust nodded slightly, admitting defeat. 

Maybe it was okay to let the others take care of him and love him. 

Maybe, in some way or another, he did deserve this. 

Maybe he is allowed to be happy, afterall. Despite everything he's done.

Maybe, just maybe, he didn't fail anyone. 

#fanfic #undertale #undertale au #ut au #dust sans #nightmare sans #horror sans #killer sans #cross sans #hurt/comfort #emotional hurt/comfort #A lot of crying #Low self-esteem #Self doubt #bad sans poly

[mental-health-advice]

I'm really struggling with self-esteem and self-worth issues lately, and the slightest piece criticism is enough to make me feel suicidal. I feel I've broken under the pressure and expectations of being an adult (18) and every time I've tried tell my parents (read: had an emotional breakdown about it) it's been dismissed as childish and narcissistic. Not to sound petulant, but being an adult is so hard - all the responsibilities and "suck it up, you're 18!” is making me feel so depressed - I honestly wish that I was a child again, because I feel like I need the gentle way you'd reassure them - I feel so fragile right now, like I want someone to say "you're not a bad person if you forget to ask to brush your teeth." (Physically disabled, live with parents)

I don't know how to ask for their help in finding a therapist, or getting extra extra help since they are so dismissive of my mental health issues.

Hey there,

I think it’s normal for anyone to feel overwhelmed with the stressors that come with being an adult. It would be so much easier to not have any responsibilities in life at all and especially when we are struggling or just finding life tough in general.

Having low self-esteem and self-worth issues can be really debilitating in itself as it can really affect one’s quality of life and especially if you are disabled on top of that. Despite still living at home with your parents is it worth having an in-depth conversation with them if you feel comfortable in doing so? Maybe if you were to sit them down and talk to them about what you struggle with and the fact that the slightest of criticisms makes you feel suicidal right now, they may be more understanding of you and your needs (in regards to support with your mental health and/ or other physical health issues.) It can be so disheartening when our own parents are dismissive of us and what we are struggling with the most, and especially if they don’t even try to understand. Sometimes us being like a ‘broken record’ as such can make them see that we are really struggling and that it isn’t just a one-off thing or a phase that will improve on its own.

I want you to know that you can also always contact a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling, and that this may even be a good starting point in you getting some much needed help and support. I say this because you could practice with them how you could approach your parents and what you may say. The counsellor may also be able to give you other advice or refer you onto other relevant services that may be able to help you. Through talking to a counsellor, they can have a better understanding of you, what you need help/ support with more specifically and just have a much broader knowledge of what is going on for you. Is this something you may feel comfortable in doing?

I also want you to know that we are also always here for you and you do not have to go through any of this alone, so please do reach out to us if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #mental health support #dismissive parents #low self-esteem #low self-worth #being an adult #responsibilities #disabled

[bloody-bee-tea]

Not right

Fun fact for a not entirely fun fic: this is my 170th Mingcheng fic. Also WWX is just a little manipulating in this, so take this as your warning.

Jiang Cheng knows that Nie Mingjue is unhappy as soon as he opens the door to his and Wei Wuxian’s apartment.

“Hi,” he breathes out, but his heart is already making it’s way down to his stomach.

“Hey,” Nie Mingjue gives back, but he can’t quite meet his eyes.

“Come in,” Jiang Cheng says, praying to all the gods he knows that Wei Wuxian is going to stay out for a while longer.

There’s no way in hell he’ll manage to come with an explanation for Nie Mingjue’s presence on the spot and he never bothered to come up with something just in case. He was always so certain that he could schedule Nie Mingjue’s visits during the time when Wei Wuxian was out. And truthfully it hadn’t been that hard, because most of the time they were at Nie Mingjue’s place anyway.

Which made his presence here, unannounced, now all the more worrying.

Nie Mingjue steps into the apartment and Jiang Cheng is quick to lead him into his room, hoping to minimize the danger of Wei Wuxian seeing him immediately when he comes back home.

“What’s going on?” Jiang Cheng asks, heart in his throat, and he pretends it doesn’t matter to him that Nie Mingjue didn’t even greet him with a kiss.

“Wanyin, I think we have to talk,” Nie Mingjue starts with and Jiang Cheng sinks down on his bed.

His eyes get caught on one of the packed boxes in his room and he wonders if he’ll have to unpack them again. He is due to move in with Nie Mingjue at the start of next month, but right now that seems more than unlikely.

“Sure,” Jiang Cheng finally says and his voice  sounds wrong, even to himself and it seems like Nie Mingjue catches on to that as well.

“No, Wanyin,” he rushes out and kneels down in front of Jiang Cheng to take his hands in his. “I’m not going to break up with you.”

“Right,” Jiang Cheng tonelessly says because he doesn’t trust this.

He always expected Nie Mingjue to walk away from him and it seems like today is finally the day it will happen.

“I’m not,” Nie Mingjue repeats again, with more vehemence, and tightens the grip on Jiang Cheng’s hands. “I’m just—you’re moving in with me. I want to tell your family before we take that step.”

“No.” Jiang Cheng’s answer is immediate and final. “They can’t know.”

“My heart,” Nie Mingjue says with a sigh. “They are your family.”

“They are going to ruin this,” he shoots back, shaking his head. “They are going to ruin this.”

“I love you. They can’t ruin that.”

Jiang Cheng scoffs at that. Nie Mingjue is not the first one to say that, only for his family to swoop in and do exactly that. The only difference is that this time Jiang Cheng knows better and he will not lose the one good thing he has going for him right now.

“But they will, they will, why won’t you trust me on this?” he breathes out, but when Nie Mingjue shakes his head he knows that it’s futile.

And it only makes Jiang Cheng more desperate.

“Mingjue, you don’t know,” Jiang Cheng gets out. “They’ll say something that makes you doubt this, that will make you want to break up, because they got into your head!”

“Do you really trust me that little?” Nie Mingjue asks, his voice low and soft and Jiang Cheng wrenches his hands out of his grip.

“It’s not about you,” he tries to explain, but he knows that Nie Mingjue could never understand how his family has this way of getting into people’s head, of ruining things for Jiang Cheng. “Even if they don’t get into your head, they will get in mine,” Jiang Cheng whispers, wiping a shaking hand over his mouth.

“And what would they do there? Don’t you love me, too?”

“Of course I do,” Jiang Cheng immediately answers. “I love you. But you know how I—my self-confidence is already shit. And it’s like that because of them. They will start saying things and when they realize they can’t get into your head they are trying for mine. How I am ruining your life, ruining you and I will believe it. I will break up with you not because I don’t love you but because of that.”

This is also something that happened before and Jiang Cheng is not keen on living through it again. Even if they make it out of this confrontation as a couple still, the lingering doubt will eat Jiang Cheng alive. And in the end he’ll call an end to it, only to crawl back to his family, his tail tucked between his legs.

He’s not keen on repeating this.

“You’re making my life better,” Nie Mingjue shoots back without hesitation, reaching out for Jiang Cheng’s hands again. “You’re making it better by being in it, by being with me, by being yourself. I won’t let you believe anything else.”

Jiang Cheng clenches his teeth together. Nie Mingjue is stubborn enough to actually manage that and Jiang Cheng slightly relaxes, threading their fingers together.

It doesn’t change the situation right now, though.

“Mingjue, please. Not today.” He takes a shaky breath. “I’m not saying never,” he goes on before Nie Mingjue can say anything. “I’m just asking you to wait. A bit longer. Until we’re living together and I’m not here anymore.”

His voice breaks off at the end, feeling sick with nerves until Nie Mingjue lets out a long breath.

“Fine,” he agrees. He doesn’t seem happy about it, but he agrees. “We’ll do it once you live with me. I’m just—” he reaches up to cup Jiang Cheng’s cheek in his hand. “I don’t want to pressure you, but they are your family, and keeping us a secret feels—”

“Disgusting,” Jiang Cheng mutters because this is also not the first time he hears this. “You think I’m ashamed of you.”

“It feels wrong. And I think you don’t trust in our relationship as much as you could—or should,” Nie Mingjue gently corrects him. “But that’s alright. Baby-steps, right?”

They agreed on that early on, when Jiang Cheng finally allowed them to become something more than simple friends and it was the one thing he was very adamant about. Jiang Cheng knows he’s not entirely right in the head, not with the family and history he has, and he needed Nie Mingjue to take it as his pace at first. Still needs that, to be honest.

“It’s just—I’m sorry,” Jiang Cheng wetly gets out and Nie Mingjue immediately moves his thumb under his eye, catching the stray tear that threatens to fall.

“Don’t be. I’m sorry for barging in here, I know you hate it,” Nie Mingjue admits and Jiang Cheng swallows back his accusing words. “And I’m sorry I did it despite knowing that. I think—I think I wanted to force a confrontation.”

Nie Mingjue does seem genuinely sorry but Jiang Cheng can’t help the spark of anger that goes off bright and how in his chest.

“Well, that’s just great,” he hisses, but this time when he wants to yank his hands back, Nie Mingjue holds them tight.

“I’ll leave right now and it’s no harm done, right?” Nie Mingjue tries, but just in that moment, as if the universe wanted to mock him, they hear the key in the front door.

It would almost be comical how wide Nie Mingjue’s eyes get suddenly but Jiang Cheng can’t think past the sudden panic in his chest.

“No,” he gets out just as Wei Wuxian calls out to him.

“A-Cheng, I’m ba-aaaack!” He uses the stupid sing-song voice Jiang Cheng hates so much and Jiang Cheng closes his eyes, seeing his world already crumbling around him.

“He doesn’t come in here, right?” Nie Mingjue asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

“He doesn’t,” Jiang Cheng mumbles, his head hanging low. It’s the only hard rule Jiang Cheng managed to established with Wei Wuxian.

His room is absolutely off limits.

“That’s fine then. You were over at our place yesterday, right? We’ll just say you forgot something and I was in the area and Huaisang asked me to drop it off. That’s all. No harm done.”

Jiang Cheng shakes his head, his lips pressed together.

“It’s not just Wei Wuxian who doesn’t come into my room. No one comes in here, ever. It won’t work.”

“It will. We’ll try. If he doesn’t believe us, we’ll just say I wandered in here on my own. You can even yell at me, alright?”

Nie Mingjue shoots him a quick smile but it does little to settle Jiang Cheng’s nerves. But he eventually nods, because it’s not like they have any other option.

“Okay. Come on then,” Nie Mingjue says and gets up, using his momentum to pull Jiang Cheng off the bed.

Jiang Cheng feels unstable on his feet, but he stumbles over to the door, wrenching it open and walking out into the hallway.

“I’m here, quit your yelling,” he gets out, hating how shaky his voice sounds and he’s overly aware of Nie Mingjue’s presence at his back.

When Wei Wuxian sees them, he freezes on the spot.

“Your room is off limits,” he finally gets out and Jiang Cheng crosses his arms in front of his chest, shooting a glare at Nie Mingjue.

“Which he knows now, too,” he bites out and Nie Mingjue has the decency to laugh nervously.

“I was just here to drop something off. I didn’t know,” he agrees and while he clearly seems to think that this is working Jiang Cheng sees how Wei Wuxian narrows his eyes.

“What is going on here?” he demands to know and Jiang Cheng desperately hopes that they can save this somehow, still.

“I forgot something at Huaisang’s yesterday. He was just nice enough to bring it back,” Jiang Cheng says but Wei Wuxian shakes his head.

“No way.” He pauses for a moment. “Is this what you’ve been keeping from me?” he then asks, glaring at Jiang Cheng. “Him?”

“I’m not—” Jiang Cheng starts but Wei Wuxian cuts him off with a loud laugh.

“You want to tell me you’re dating him?”

“No,” Jiang Cheng bites out. “I just told you what happened.”

“Yeah, I don’t believe that for a moment. You’ve been keeping secrets lately. And I mean, I get it,” he says with an amused laugh and Jiang Cheng frowns.

“What’s there to get?” he demands to know, even though he knows it’s the entirely wrong thing to say.

“Listen, I was just here to give something back to Jiang Wanyin,” Nie Mingjue chimes in, and Jiang Cheng is grateful for the distraction. “I’ll take my leave now.”

“I don’t think so,” Wei Wuxian snaps out, glaring at Nie Mingjue. “Are you the reason my brother has been keeping secrets from me?”

“I’m not keeping anything from you,” Jiang Cheng tries, but he knows it’s too late.

Wei Wuxian smelled blood and he’s not going to let this go again.

“Right.” There’s a thoughtful look on his face, one that sends a shiver down Jiang Cheng’s back and before he can come up with another—probably futile—lie Wei Wuxian darts towards Jiang Cheng’s room.

“No!” Jiang Cheng yells out as he lunges forward, but his fingertips only graze the back of his shirt and even Nie Mingjue is not fast enough to stop him.

“I knew it,” Wei Wuxian whispers, standing stock-still in the middle of Jiang Cheng’s room and taking in all the packed boxes. “What is this?”

“Nothing,” Jiang Cheng says, because he can’t stop trying even though it’s absolutely useless.

He is useless.

“You’re moving out. To move in with him?” Wei Wuxian nods at Nie Mingjue. “You know that’s stupid.”

“It’s not,” Nie Mingjue chimes in, clearly shedding their flimsy lie, because he comes to stand just behind Jiang Cheng. “He will move out by the end of the month.”

“No he will not,” Wei Wuxian says and Jiang Cheng shrinks in on himself.

This is exactly what he was afraid of.

“You don’t get to decide that,” Nie Mingjue says, the frown audible in his voice and Wei Wuxian laughs.

“Ah, but A-Cheng knows better than to do something as stupid as this. Isn’t that right?” His voice has gone low, almost dangerous and Jiang Cheng shudders.

He doesn’t know when it all got so incredibly fucked up in his life, when Wei Wuxian stopped being his brother and his family stopped being his family and instead turned into this, but he knows he’s not strong enough to do anything against them.

“I—” Jiang Cheng cuts himself off with an audible click of his teeth and he leans back into Nie Mingjue.

This is his one chance; despite all of his fears he does trust Nie Mingjue and if he’s not going to stand up for himself now then he’s probably never going to do it.

“I’m moving out in two weeks,” he says, his voice shaking and he goes cold when Wei Wuxian glares at him.

“To ruin his life? Mingjue-ge, I’m sure you don’t know, but A-Cheng is a bit of a bad luck charm. I wouldn’t take him in if I were you.”

“You’re living with him and you seem to be doing fine. I’ll take my chances,” Nie Mingjue snaps out but Wei Wuxian only smiles at him.

“Ah, but that’s because we’re family, isn’t that right, A-Cheng? I bet he told you all about his last relationship, right? How he ruined that? He’s just not worth it.”

Jiang Cheng tenses at his words, but Nie Mingjue’s hand at his back is warm and comforting.

“He did, actually, and he’s definitely worth it,” Nie Mingjue says without missing a beat and Jiang Cheng forces himself to keep looking at Wei Wuxian and not whip his head around to look at Nie Mingjue in surprise.

He has not told him about his last relationship but he appreciates Nie Mingjue’s efforts.

Especially since it seems to take some of the wind out of Wei Wuxian’s sails.

“You told him?” Wei Wuxian whispers and Jiang Cheng swallows heavily.

“I did. Because I love him, and nothing you say will change that.”

“Of course not,” Wei Wuxian sweetly says. “Because he thinks the same, right? He doesn’t mind that you’re just a little bit too slow, and a little bit too stupid, am I right? He doesn’t care that you’re too angry and too stuck-up to be any fun, isn’t that right, Mingjue-ge?”

The words ring in Jiang Cheng’s ears, his fingertips going numb all of a sudden and he sways on the spot.

This is everything he feared; Nie Mingjue might pretend like it doesn’t matter to him, like the words don’t mean anything but now that they are out in the open, they will make their home in his mind and it might take him a while but eventually he’ll come to see that Wei Wuxian is right.

Wei Wuxian is always right.

“That’s right,” Nie Mingjue sweetly gives back. “I don’t care and I don’t mind. I love him like he is.”

Wei Wuxian blinks at him for a moment before he turns his eyes towards Jiang Cheng.

“A-Cheng, come on,” he says, his voice teasing and light again. “You know you’re no good for him. When will you finally stop trying to ruin other people’s lives?”

“I’m not—”

Jiang Cheng takes a deep breath, focusing on the hand on the small of his back and Nie Mingjue’s steady presence at his side.

He’s already taking this better than the last person Jiang Cheng was stupid enough to introduce to his family and Jiang Cheng thinks that maybe, this can be it.

Maybe this is his chance of getting out with someone he loves.

“I’m moving out,” he decidedly says, hoping that Wei Wuxian doesn’t notice his shaking hands. “It’s already decided.”

“What are your parents going to say? What is jiejie going to say?” Wei Wuxian wants to know and Jiang Cheng shakes his head.

“I don’t care. I don’t care what they say or think. I’m moving out, Wei Wuxian, and I won’t be coming back.”

“Are you sure about that? Is that why you are with him? Because he gives you a way out? Do you even love him or are you just using him?”

“I do, I love him,” Jiang Cheng whispers but he’s afraid of what these words will do to Nie Mingjue.

There is just so much shit Wei Wuxian is throwing at them that could cause doubt in Nie Mingjue’s mind.

“Don’t make me laugh, A-Cheng,” Wei Wuxian says and Jiang Cheng snaps.

“Stop calling me that,” he yells, much to Wei Wuxian’s apparent surprise. “I hate it, and I hate you and this family. I’m going to leave, with him, and you can’t stop that.”

It takes Wei Wuxian a few seconds to get his bearings back and when he does, he snarls at Jiang Cheng.

“You don’t love him, you’re not even capable of that. You’re just with him because he’s the first person to treat you somewhat decently,” he sneers and something in Jiang Cheng breaks.

“At least you’re admitting that you never did that,” he whispers and turns towards Nie Mingjue. “Let’s go.”

“A-Cheng,” Wei Wuxian calls after him but Jiang Cheng pushes Nie Mingjue out of his room, and he moves without complaint.

“A-Cheng, wait,” Wei Wuxian yells, rushing forward and grabbing for Jiang Cheng, but Nie Mingjue puts himself between them with a side step and Wei Wuxian’s hands uselessly slide off him.

“He made his point clear. He’s coming with me. We’ll be back to take his things later this week and if something should be missing, be sure that I will call the police on you,” Nie Mingjue tells him, his voice cold and hard and usually that kind of tone makes Jiang Cheng shrink back, but not this time.

He feels safe, behind Nie Mingjue’s back.

“A-Cheng,” Wei Wuxian says, his voice now quivering a little and Jiang Cheng can just imagine the look on his face, the puppy-eyes he’s making and he knows that if he turns around, Wei Wuxian will get his hooks back in him.

“No,” he says and starts moving again.

“A-Cheng, he won’t stay with you,” Wei Wuxian yells after him. “You know that, he will leave you once he really sees who you are, and don’t think you can come back here. If you go out of that door, that’s it.”

Jiang Cheng hesitates briefly at those words but then Nie Mingjue is at his side.

“You have me,” he whispers. “You have me. It’s okay.”

Jiang Cheng takes a deep breath and then continues moving, tuning Wei Wuxian and his yelling out.

He’s not sure he really remembers how they get back to Nie Mingjue’s place, but then Nie Mingjue is putting a warm mug into his hands and Jiang Cheng blinks up at him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers and Nie Mingjue sits down on the couch next to him.

“For what?”

“For—this. Me. Wei Wuxian.” Everything, he doesn’t say, but he thinks Nie Mingjue gets it.

“You warned me,” Nie Mingjue says with a shrug. “I should have believe you. I should have listened to you. I’m so sorry, Wanyin.”

“Just—don’t do it again. They are all like this,” Jiang Cheng admits with a whisper and Nie Mingjue nods.

“Alright.” He hesitates briefly and Jiang Cheng immediately tenses. “I’m just wondering about one thing,” he then goes on and Jiang Cheng huffs out a bitter laugh.

“Of course. Of fucking course,” he mutters and puts the mug on the table, getting up to put some space between himself and Nie Mingjue.

“No, it’s not—” Nie Mingjue tries and then cuts himself off. “I just want to know if Wei Wuxian couldn’t be right. I’ve been nice to you. Did you—imprint on me because of that? Do you really love me, or are you with me because I was the first to be nice to you?”

“Fuck you, Mingjue,” Jiang Cheng hisses, grasping for the burning anger inside of him with both hands instead of letting the desperation overwhelm him. “This is what they do!” he yells at him. “They are already in your head, don’t you see that? This is what they do!”

“I’m not—okay I guess I am questioning your decision, I’m just worried. I don’t want to take advantage of you. I don’t want you to think that you have to be with me because I’m nice to you.”

Nie Mingjue sounds pained and Jiang Cheng can tell that he is genuinely worried about this. It is enough to make Jiang Cheng deflate.

“No offense, Mingjue, but if that were the case I would be with Huaisang. Because he was the first to treat me like a decent human being. He befriended me and he showed me what family could be like. You were second at best, maybe even third, after Xuanyu. So don’t flatter yourself.”

“Alright,” Nie Mingjue says with a chuckle at Jiang Cheng’s outburst and holds out his hands for him. “Point taken. And I just want you to know that I’m worried for you. Nothing Wei Wuxian said can change my feelings for you.”

Jiang Cheng wants to interject because surely between all the things he said there must be something but Nie Mingjue silences him with a look.

“Yes, I am curious about what happened with your last relationship but I’m not going to pry if you don’t want to talk about it. And for everything else he said—I don’t think he knows you at all. Nothing what he said was true and just because he said it, doesn’t mean I’ll start to believe it. I know you’re not stupid and slow and too angry. I know you, and he clearly doesn’t.”

“It’s—he always says those things about me,” Jiang Cheng whispers and allows Nie Mingjue to pull him down on top of his lap. “Often enough that I—” started to believe it, he wants to say but Nie Mingjue cuts him off with a kiss.

“I’ll tell you the opposite just as often then,” he whispers when they part and Jiang Cheng’s eyes burn with tears.

“Just don’t let me go back there,” Jiang Cheng begs him. “Don’t make me go back.”

“Never, my heart. You’re my heart and you’re going to stay with me for as long as you want. And when you tire of me, I’ll make sure you continue to move forwards, further away from them, I promise.”

“I’m not going to tire of you,” Jiang Cheng softly complaints and leans their foreheads together. “You’re my soul, just like I am your heart. I have no intention of leaving you.”

“Alright,” Nie Mingjue nods. “But Wei Wuxian is not coming back into your life, right? The things he said and how he said them—I don’t want him near you again. It’s not right.”

That is enough to make a sob break lose from Jiang Cheng’s chest and he buries his face in Nie Mingjue’s neck. Everyone always kept telling him that Wei Wuxian only meant well, that he was family and surely it wasn’t so bad, that he should go back and try to make nice with him and this was the first time someone was on Jiang Cheng’s side.

“I’ve got you, my heart,” Nie Mingjue mutters and holds him through it all, stroking a hand up and down his back. “I’ve got you.”

“I love you,” Jiang Cheng sobs out, his hands clutching at Nie Mingjue’s shoulders and still he’s crying.

It takes him a long while to calm down again, but Nie Mingjue doesn’t let go of him once.

And for once in his life, he feels safe. He feels right, in Nie Mingjue’s arms and Jiang Cheng is going to try to keep this for as long as he can.

Nie Mingjue certainly doesn’t seem opposed to that and for now that is all Jiang Cheng needs at the moment.

Link to my ko-fi

#bt writes #mingcheng #the untamed #mdzs #modern au #established relationship #low self-esteem #emotional manipulation #abuse even #not wwx friendly #angst #hurt/comfort

[overcomebyemotions]

I know I used to say this in a low self-esteem way, but you deserve better than me, and I mean that genuinely

#depressing thoughts #things i'll never say #spilled thoughts #spilled feelings #low self-esteem #letter to my boyfriend

[sheltiechicago]

Tshabalala Bongani: Montsho – South Africa, winner

Montsho, meaning ‘black’, is a word used in South Africa to make fun of a dark-skinned person. The photographer Tshabalala Bongani says: ‘This photograph explores the emotional effects of childhood teasing: depression and low self-esteem. Montsho opens conversations around the representation of the black body and black lives, challenging the idea that blackness is homogenous. For me this photograph is about both destruction and preservation; it’s about what we choose to embrace after going through trauma’

Sony World Photography awards 2022

#tshabalala bongani #photographer #montsho #south africa #sony world photography awards 2022 #black & white photography #depression #low self-esteem

[amore18de]

Fleabagging: Warum landen wir immer wieder in ungesunden Beziehungen?

Fleabagging ist ein neuer Dating-Trend, der in den letzten Jahren immer häufiger aufgetreten ist. Der Begriff stammt aus der gleichnamigen britischen TV-Serie "Fleabag", in der die Hauptfigur immer wieder in ungesunden Beziehungen landet.

#Fleabagging #Unhealthy dating patterns #Toxic relationships #Self-sabotage #Low self-esteem #Emotional baggage #Repeating mistakes #Red flags

[kim-poce]

A Mean to be Good 9 - Missing

Tell me if the tag worked, please?

Hero = Indigo

Villain - Garra

Previous | Next

Masterlist

CW: low self-esteem, emeto, panic attack, fear of punishment.

=-=

Garra had left the house again, Indigo’s instincts screamed that he was up to no good; which, coming from a villain, is to be expected.

They found a way through the guilty coming from doing nothing to stop the criminal, telling themselves that they were never a proper hero anyway. So why try?

The immediate problem was Clara. It’s not his fault, I brought this upon myself. They thought again as the girl jumped over the couch they were sitting on.

“Alone again?” She asked with a mischievous smile on her face, drawing her claws already. “Don’t you have an annoying hero job to do?”

“I’m on a break,” they explained. When did their ‘get beaten up one day only’ plan become ‘surprise vacation in Garra’s place’? “You know this.”

“I know that your little team is looking for you, they have a search group and everything. Hmmm is it… how did they say?... ‘Indigo, a respected hero and loved friend, disappeared two weeks ago, we are offering a reward to anyone who has clues…’ clues on something, well, they want you back, you act all sad and lonely so I thought you were kicked out or something.” she said casually.

Indigo jumped from their seat, forcing themself quiet right away when Clara almost attacked them —she doesn’t attack if he gets quiet and doesn’t resist— “W-what? You-” deep breath “You are lying, right?” Yeah, she is lying, she lies a lot I shouldn’t believe.

“Holdup,” Clara said, reaching for her phone and handing it out after a bit.

Indigo felt their heart racing, looking at the images on the screen. Why are they looking for me? Well, they don’t.. don’t hate me, but I didn’t… I didn’t think they would truly- They swallowed hard, sweat covering their face. They will be so disappointed when they find out I’m here, find out I was just too… scared? Ashamed? to call… they don’t hate me yet but they will. I’m bad, I’m such an idiot, a traitor, a-

Clara got closer, making Indigo step back and lose their balance, falling on the carpet.

“N-not now please,” they begged, looking up at the girl standing in front of them.

They should have kept quiet, they should’ve been still and she will leave them alone, but their body had other plans; tears streamed down from their eyes, their stomach turned, the guilty, fear, anxiety, and gods-know-what-else were mixing themselves inside them.

They ran.

Indigo had barely reached the toilet when they let out all the contents of their stomach. Just then noticing their mistake; they ran.

Clara was just behind them now, and the words seemed to be broken; begging her to wait would be useless.

They flinched when her hands touched their back —not the claws yet, they were hoping she could just get done with it and leave— they steeled themself when she crouched down by their side.

“I really didn’t see this coming,” she said.

Indigo was unable to hold back another flinch, they were unable to properly breathe.

Clara frowned, “You think I’ll hurt you?”

“l-later,” Indigo managed, “p-please, I won’t tell Garra, I-”

“I won’t hurt you right now,” she said, almost offended. As if she didn’t play with their nerves the whole time in the past two weeks, “I’m not a monster. I wouldn’t hurt you while you are… panicking? I guess that’s what you are… doing?”

Indigo's head was a kaleidoscope of images of the ‘Missing person’ pamphlet, their teammates' declarations, their faces, the faces they will have once they find out the truth, and somewhere in there Clara, her “plays” and claws, and the way she wakes him up all the time and how she never allows their nerves a second of rest.

“L-leave me alone,” they said.

“You seem to need some help so-”

“From you?” They snapped, head buzzing, blood running way too fast, “You are making it worse! Oh! I see, you want to see this, right?” they gestured to the toilet and back to themselves, “You want to see just far you can take me? How hard you can humiliate me? Is that what you want? You must be pretty happy then!”

“I didn’t do this!” Clara argued, “I just show you the news, I didn’t mean to-”

“Oh, didn’t you? Truly? Weren’t you trying to mess me up? To make me like this? You have pushed me to the edge this whole time, and now you want to act as if you care?”

“I didn’t mean to do… whatever this is!” Carla snapped back, “I was just having… fun…” her voice become low as if she had just realized the meaning of her words.

“I know! I’m sure you were having the time of your life when I was fucking panicking three days ago.”

Clara frowned, “I thought you were pretending I-”

“Leave me alone!” He shouted, the shower and the tap turning on, water raising around Clara. She stepped back, eyes wide.

It was the first time Indigo saw fear in her eyes, but they didn’t have time to think about it because Garra arrived, opening the door to the sight of the hero threatening his sister.

“G-garra,” their voice was low, the water fell down drenching everything, “I-I swear I wasn’t-” they glanced at the scared teenager in front of them and at the water around her, “I wasn’t- I wouldn’t hurt-” They swallowed hard, lowering their head. “I’m sorry.”

=-=

Taglist: @rose-pinkie, @wolfeyedwitch, @neverthelass, @insaneinthepaingame, @simplygrimly, @whumpy-writings, @latenightcupsofcoffee, @grizzlie70, @extemporary-username

#whump #hero whumpee #low self-esteem #emeto #panic attack #fear of punishment #A Mean to be Good #my writing #Indigo #Garra #Carla

[badbacksadsack]

guurrrlllll

my boyfriend asked me for a short term loan to pay for half of his rent and he said he'd pay me at the end of the month

not only did I pay half his rent but now I have found out that the money he was supposedly looking after for me as 'I'm not one to save' in his monzo account he 'never uses' is completely gone

just poof

his excuse??!

gurl he said he doesn't know what had happened

he said he must not have been checking his spending

he doesn't know how it's got to this point

do I chalk this up to naivete on both our parts or do I deserve to be upset? confused?

like I feel betrayed, like I've caught him being sneaky, what a shady situation this is

he still says he's paying me at the end of the month

but honestly I think this has fractured my trust ever lending anyone money again

I hope he sticks to this promise (this time)

luckily years of watching judge judy made me make him sign a contract I made on google

but bruh I can't afford to lose this money or do up legal action and he knows this

honestly this is something I can't fathom

like LITERALLY BOUGHT ME FOOD, WEED, CLOTHES WITH MY OWN MONEY WTF

I would never do anyone like I'm being done

I don't deserve this, he might have said sorry and he will pay me back but I'm sad I'm mad but lowkey glad that I finally realise that I don't fucking deserve this

onwards and upwards queen this world ain't built for us

#depresso #loner #isolation #dysphoria #self deprecation #executive dysfunction #low self-esteem #existential crisis #anxious #venting #mentally ill #relationship #partner #money problems