#i want to do the thing but my brain wont let me do the thing

[soulpunkdancer]

i want so desperately to write but everytime i try i just cant ???? WHY??????????

#like its so annoying #i want to do the thing but my brain wont let me do the thing #and it sucks

[variksel]

takes a drag of my coolguy cigarette I dont know man the fact that all of the s1 dads' original dad haha funnyman tropes were at first only jokes to make fun of middleaged middleclass middlebalding cishet white american men with but the second their fathers and the traumas of the daddies' pasts stepped into the plot they tied themselves into the initial premise and dad tropes so fucking perfectly i mean TAKINGANOTHERBIGINHALE darryl the christian who married his highschool sweetheart and started living the picket-fence "kid-and-a-house" american dream relatively young while idolizing his own dad has a father who died before darryl had properly talked with him and found out more of his faults and nuance henry the pacifist pretentious vegan dad has a father who thinks hes better than everybody else and wants his son to repress his anger and anxiety because he feels he is morally above emotions glenn the distant but cool rocker dad who tours the country without his son on christmas eve has a dad who glenn wasnt even sure if he had died back on earth because it had been so long since he had heard of him ron the emotionally detached stepfather who doesnt seem to care to remember his stepsons name or a single fact about his personality has a father who used everything in rons life to hurt him including his love for his dog AND his love for his father when he asked him to go fishing with him knowing despite all hes done ron would still somehow desperately want to make his father proud fuck me running anthony burch doesnt get enough credit

#darryl wants to be everybodys shield and- #not realizing that he cant do that and also people wont let him if he doesnt share his own burden #this podcast makes me insane #also while i was writing this my brain went he doesnt see himself as a good enough father so he tries to act as someone who tries to carry #he feels like hes failed as a father because his marriage is on the rocks despite marriage being forever. he thinks he shouldve had his- #happily ever after already but things keep going and life keeps moving and not everything is perfect and he doesnt know how to deal w it" #thats all i just really had to like put this all out there #dungeons and daddies #dungeons and daddies spoilers #dungeons and daddies odyssey #dndads s1 #dungeons and daddies season 1 #darryl wilson #dndads glenn close #glenn close #henry oak #ron stampler #paeden bennets #oakworthy

[puppyeared]

if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified

#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing #i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though #at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself #as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed #escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date #although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL #ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting #workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety #i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back #AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO #im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts #i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem #in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material #and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school #maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess #only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard #hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms #i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work #not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall #anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh #yapping

[unicornsaures]

ill forever adore going through my old sketchbooks because its like going through memories i never knew i had

#dpdr my beloathed<3 #memory gaps i hate you !! #like what the fuck do you MEAN i cant tell when somethings real and somethings not #its ironic how my longest lasting memories are when i was drunk #like you would THINK that would be the most forgotten thing #but nope! #maybe because msot of the times i was drunk deeply affected me as a person #and i wont stop reminding myself about it #but! #brain if youre gonna fuck up my memories please let me forget the oens i want to forget pls n thanks #ugh #vent post #vent #dolirants #i love projecting onto laurens though if you couldnt tell #riddling that bitch with anxiety and paranoia and dpdr and rvery problem ive ever faced #honestly i think my mind starting blocking out just..everything #like everything ever #8th grade wasnt even bad ? #likr maam could i like #idk #remember that pls? #7th grade i understand #but like ? #can i remember the rest? #ughh #me ranting in the tags again

[normal-internet-user]

Why is being productive so hard?

#normie rambles #it's genuinly so frustrating #i want to do things but i like physically can't #i can't sit down and do my homework #i can't clean my damn room #but i want to #like why? #i want to do it so why wont my brain fucking let me???

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol #this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable #im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work #property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me #like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well #and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for #Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too #like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and #down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy #last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just #feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b #put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back #down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then #that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her #i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better #on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out #dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really? #ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious. #i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles #but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol #unrelated

[stayteezdreams]

Sorry for still not posting. Things are still a bit complicated and rough in my personal life.

xx

#post #update #sort of #delete later #Im still here #just lurking and relogging mostly #I do want to write but my brain wont really let me #i guess for some context: my dad and mom were sick and in and out hospitals since january this year #my dad ended up on hospice and died two weeks later (on Feb 28th) #my mom came home but her health is not well either #I have been her caretaker for over 5 years #its getting to the point where she might end up on hospice too #she might be in End Stage COPD #she goes through phases of being perfectly fine #to needing to be watched and taken care of 24/7 #so its been rough #dl #personal #I am also dealing with probate and estate stuff with my dads death #we are tight on money and stressed #and there is also a brother who is deciding to make my life hell #so yeah... #things are rough #bare with me #lol #i'll be back eventually I just hope you guys are still here #<3

[failsquirrel]

the eternal question of if the fictional universe that is heavily analogous to the real world should have actual media from the real world or similarly named thinly veiled references

#this is about if pokemon would exist in the catworldverse. the issue is furbies already do and it woukd be a lot to retcon the existence of #them into a thing thats obviously a furby reference but isnt actually a furby. idk my explaination for that is that humans left furbies #there and the cats just sort of rediscovered them and brought them back to life #would media be the same? this is going to be something ill have to work out. the overall 2000s internet vibes means that media will play a #huge part of the setting. i feel likei have to justify the existence of everything in the lore but it might be easier to just say fuck it #and go the sparklecare way of having everything that exists in the real world but with a silly name but idk my brain wont let me do that #without justifying it somehow. like. WHY is it that thousands of years later these highly evolved cats are living in a world almost exactly #like the earth 2011? i think finding the balance of realism vs. cartoon absurdity is hard to pin down #as of now im going on the idea that out of some sort of religious reverence since the humans of the 2000s created them the cats just #emulate their culture. like how every western european country wanted to be greece and rome sooo bad in the middle ages #meowing

[jenna-louise-jamie]

at work i keep getting shown the “correct” ways to do things like sweeping the floor and it's driving me a bit crazy. like i can see you're doing it faster than me but can you let me do one thing at my own pace. please. because im doing it better, even if it's slower.

#i worked as a residential house cleaner because my mother was one #if she saw the way they want me to clean things she'd have a brain aneurysm #i work in a kitchen now btw #also its kind of like im sorry boss but thats not how my brain works #if you hand me a broom and tell me to sweep i won't be able to stop until the floors are clear enough to my personal liking #they swept so fast and aggressively for max 10 seconds. respect and everything but i took my time in a different section and guess what its #more clean #so let me have this #that in particular irked me for some reason. other corrections they've given me its fine idc #but my mother would set brooms on fire she only believed in vaccuming #so if you give me a broom i have to make the floor clean enough so my mother wont astral project into my work place to scream at me for not #doing a good enough cleaning job #no one show this to my boss though please its just between us #my text #this whole tantrum could also be because once i do something one way i can only do it that way forever and i dont want to change #im not a fast worker. but i promise i do my very best

[foxships]

Man... i wish i could actually draw any of my self-insert/selfshipping stuff because I could use that little bit of serotonin

#i am complaining about my inability to draw what i really want to draw again dont mind meeeeee #i just i could just!!! draw!!! #it's been so hard for me and i haaaaate it #why wont my brain let me do the one thing i can actually do decently well lmaaaao #ANYWAY *rolls away* #sanura rambles

[hkpika07]

Please for the love of God can intrusive thoughts stop can my brain and body calm down I want to sleep tonight.

#my brain is yelling shit at me trying to believe things about stuff and about myself that arent true and i know arent true #and my anxiety starts to believe it even though its not true and its a vicious cycle. and god. i just want to sleep #but my brain and body are too awake and adrenaline and im scared it wont calm down and i wont sleep #how do i turn off my thoughts. someone take away thw intrusive thoughts please. i want my brain to stop talking for once. leave me in peace #i want to sleep. but everythung wont let me. im in for a long night arent i. i hope my meds will kick in but they arent currently #and its worrying me. how do i shut off the thoughts i hate them i want the intrusive thoughts to stop #please for the love of god. #vent #tw vent

[icewindandboringhorror]

feeling sick constantly in the background all the time is like.. usually negligible-ish.. until multiple various chronic background issues all happen to overlap at once and then it’s like 

#Like usually I cycle between like. joint pain issues. chest muscle injury stuff. back pain. stomach problems. headaches. etc. #There is never a day that I feel totally normal for the most part. but it's usually just little things here and there on and off #chronic things that seem to flare up sometimes. But then every once in a while it's like the flare ups align and I'll have 6 of the problems #at the same time and then is AaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #For some reason it's okay to deal with one or two of these things at any given time. but if I have to deal with like 3+ at once #or two of the old ones plus one NEW thing I've never had before or etc. etc. #I just can't even do anything. I run around stressed out of my mind unable to focus on any tasks or do anything but feel bad #then I cant even play games or do fun stuff becuause my brain wont let me be distracted from fixating on the fact that I feel bad #It's kind of the same way that it's stressful for me to go into grocery stores because my brain LITERALLY just is not capable of tuning out #all of the noises and lights and sensory information - so it' gets overwhelming quickly. I also just literally cannot tune out sensory infor #mation from my body. so if something feels even a LITTLE weird or a LITTLE painful or is even slightly different than usual #especially if it's overlapping with multiple other 'low level chronic pain' type things then my brain is just like.. being given way too muc #h information that it still cant tune out and then I can't focus and just walk around in a daze for however long until one of the issues #goes away on it's own (like joint pain flare ups usually come and go etc. etc.). or until I see a doctor abut whatever the new thing is #and maybe something they do or say actually helps or etc. etc. #Idk I have SO SO much I want to do the beginning of the year and so many projects to finish and things to post and schedules I have #written out for me to get on (like excercising more consistently and etc.) and it's just furstrating for my brain to just be like #ah.. nope.. we are not doing that. instead we are going to be completely incapacitated by a host of physical issues #which I think most ''normal people'' would just ignore like ''oh yeah I'll just load myself up on ibuprophen and coffee and energy #drinks and advil and sleep supplements and this and that'' or whatever but I can't do that it just makes stuff worse. I have to just sit for #days having a mind battle like 'okay yes we're having these problems.. but we can still like.. do SOMETHING right? we could like.. write #or draw. or things that don't take much energy'' and brain is just like NO!!! WE CANT!!! BECAUSE!! THING IS WEIRD!!!' and it's like okay #but thing is going to be weird. there's nothing we can do about thing being weird right now. so we should just focus on something else #'NO!! CANNOT TUNE OUT THING BEING WEIRD!! lets just fixate on it instead and wander aimlessly from thing to thing never able #to fully focus on any other task. hee hee''. anyway. hhghh.. sometimes I just get tired of having Various Ailments at any given time #especially unexplained ones or weird recurring problems that doctors haven't done much about because then it lends to paranoia like #'what if something is seriously wrong but I just dont know it yet?' which could be the case. I mean hopefully not. but I just hate stuff #being unexplained. because if there's no clear answer then the answer could be anything. even somehting bad. *** :V #ANYWAY gghhb... just bothered at the moment. I was going to come here like 'hey maybe I could post some drafts or pictures or something that #could feel productive!' but.. i dont feel like it. i dont care. too focused on Bad Feeling. just going to complain instead lol

[dreamingofthedteam]

catching on blueberry episodes took me like 1-2 months but I got hyperfixated.. I have never went further with lore tho and the most interesting stuff happens after I think. but then you need to watch whole vods and shit started happening then so I never went to it

yeah but the thing rn is...im not getting that hyperfixation on it. maybe all i want is the dnf lore on it idk

also yeah the prison stuff that im very excited about is so SO far in the lore that its just a distant dream that i'll ever be able to catch up to it and theres no way im going to go looking for full actual vods

and the thing about half the ccs on that server being like weird is that...i wanna create a divide between the cc and the c yk? but its so difficult to do when i can literally see faces in the episodes

#idk i feel like i need to watch the entire thing otherwise i feel like im doing myself and the dsmp fandom injustice #like if i wanna know about it i wanna know about it in full #my brain wont let me just have the overall summary and be satisfied with it #it wants the whole pain and joy and everything or it doesnt want anything #maybe im pedantic like that but idk what to do with this #ask.mandragora

[ichorblossoms]

having ttw Thoughts while reading house of leaves but it's nothing that's lead to a breakthrough yet so i'm just like soaking in the vibes

#ttw's been in limbo for the past few months. as it is wont to do really #there's a lot of nebulous connective tissue that's currently the middle of the story and it needs more direction but nothing has really bee #particularly exciting for my brain to gnaw on #also honeybee's been my brain's Focus for the past few months so it's not like i'm twiddling my thumbs with nothing to write #but yeah house of leaves and ttw it's like. okay the House super parallels what i want of the undertow as this like. nebulous structure #that's kind of alive on its own and doesn't adhere to any actual expectations of space #(the undertow is like. the semi-literal bowels of the city of sanguine) #and i knew that going in to the story that it was going to be similar so that's somethign that's sparking some things #but also the main character. one of the mains idk how to even articulate that. main narrator i think. #anyways he reminds me of leon as someone who doesn't have much going for him being super fucking susceptible prey of sorts for this...nebul #ous entitiy #not to mention my thoughts on the city of sanguine as like how a city is given life by its denizens. and that interpretation of the city- #affects how the undertow manifests for different people #and how it (sanguine) wants people to stay but will happily let you go if it knows you'll come right back to it #but if you want to Leave it'll happily trap you in endless corridors for ever and ever #and serena being the only one of the main cast who was born and raised in the city and therefore has such a deep connection to it before #yknow. realizing it's Alive in a way #vs the rest of the cast who have all moved to the city and don't see sanguine the same #vs leon too who has absolutely adopted this city as their home and what that means #oh that is a Tag Ramble hello #rambles #thicker than water

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hello darkness my old friend. I have insomnia again #it seems i wont get back to sleep. making this the 4th night in a row of 4 to 5hrs sleep. woof #is it insomnia or am i on the bleeding edge of hyp0mania? idk its weird. i can feel the strain in my head #my thoughts dont connect as well. its like im being pulled in two directions. my brain becoming spaghettified. growing thin around the #middle. but im not as tired as one might expect. ive been pretty productive and optimistic but anxiety and internal restlessness are up #like im tired but also i need to get up and pace around. maybe jump up and down. maybe run in circles. #the energy comes in waves. sitting in lectures or sitting for the extended addition of l0tr has been somewhat unbearable #bc im so contained. i would not ever get up and walk around while those things were happening but i desperately wanted to #ugh. whats my problem? who's to say. could also b the medication. i see the psychiatrist next week and i think ill beg to b put back on #lam1ctal. just bc when i was taking it on a super low does i had a week or feeling the most normal i think i ever have in my life #anxiety and evil thoughts were so small and i felt happy in a way im not sure i ever have been #like i think under normal circumstances i just have a low capacity for joy. at most i feel neutral. like i was telling my friends how i #might do some field work in winter and they were enthusiastic abt it and i kno y bc it sounds cool but idk i just dont feel anything abt it #i cant see past the pain it will take to get there. and i mean mood wise i feel alright on 4bilify like in a nutral way but stable isnt #the same as feeling happy. but maybe its all just in my head. 25mg lam1ctal shouldnt b enough to b effective #but idk i think im just sensitive to the chemicals in my body. including hormone fluctuations. idk. i hope she lets me switch. #itll b a pain in the ass to readjust in terms of going off what im on now and it might not work #but theres literature on retrying lamicta1 and they say to avoid inflammatory reactions in the first 2 months. which i did not do. oops #not that i was trying. i didnt think abt it until id had a million holes poked in my skin and was experiencing a mild tatt00 allergy #ugh. anyway. tbh id prefer this being hyp0mania vs insomnia bc then at least i can continue to function a bit during the day #ive never done anything that wild while hyp0manic aside from injure myself from over exercising and make bad choices in how i spend time #ie become insane abt something and not b able to think abt anything else. ugh. and i guess at this point ive tentatively accepted the idea #of being bip0lar. so i swear to christ if i was misdiagnosed ill b so mad. its just that if i fill out an 4dhd and bip0lar checklist. i #get a way heavy positive with bip0lar and the 4dhd is meh. so i think i just have overlap in symptoms due to dyslex1a and 4utism #ugh. me and my collection of diagnoses. so it goes #unrelated

[redswaberkez]

OUR PSYCHOLOGY LECTER TALKING ABT BRAINWASHED AMERICANS MY GOD LADY UR LIVING IN RUSSIA AND CALLING SIGMUND FREUD UR COMRADE AAAAAAAA WHO IS BRAINWASHED???

#bro its a psychology class but Im legitimate losing my sanity rn #WHAT A FUCKING SHITSHOW #she said ur shouldnt lye down and eating chrisps u should make ur dreams come true #what if my dream is eating chrisps on da couch #but ummm here is the problem i want to do things but my dumbass sick brain wont let me do that 🥰 WHAT ABOUT THAT HUH