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teacupsandcyanide · 1 year

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hi everyone check out these funny shirts

As an Asian-Australian, one of the delights of my youth was being surrounded by Asian products with bad English on them. Personally I think it's fine to have a giggle at them as long as you don't call it "engrish" and you understand that Westerners are not immune to being similarly bad at other languages. People simply think "hey that other language looks cool, I'm gonna put it on a shirt" and they don't let not knowing a single word of that language stop them. I get really nostalgic whenever I see Asian products with bad English specifically, and I wanted to share a haul with you today, in order of most coherent to most absolutely bananas. I would encourage you to read the image descriptions.

[Image ID: A white t-shirt emblazoned with photos of broccoli and black text outlining the nutritional value of broccoli per 100g (3.5 oz). Text litters the design reading "CALORIE 36.0" and "CABBAGE FAMILY". The masterpiece is headed by the word "Broccoli". To the side of this shirt is another, smaller shirt, also white. The design of this shirt is much simpler, with just the word "Broccoli" in green, and a small picture of broccoli. /.End ID]

Specimen 1: Broccoli shirt. This fits into the popular category of fruit, vegetable, and drink-based attire. Common examples of this tend more towards strawberry, milk, avocado, citrus, and chocolate, though, so the broccoli is distinctly more left-field than the more favoured carrot or radish, typically considered cuter vegetables. I appreciate this diversity and the funducational approach, as well as the fact that there is a smaller, matching shirt, as if for a child or especially large dog. I like how the smaller shirt is tastefully simpler but still includes both a written and pictorial depiction of broccoli, so you get a clear idea of what the shirt's deal is. @redgoldblue when you're finally ready to let me dress you up like a smaller version of me and carry you around town telling people that I'm a vampire and you're a porcelain doll haunted by my human ghost, I think we should start here. Rating this a 6/10.

[Image ID: A black t-shirt cropped to a v-shape, with matching black arm bands/arm warmers. This shirt has a band of distorted pink texture placed exactly where the tits would be, were the wearer a tit owner. Over this texture is the picture of a tabby kitten with a blue ribbon around its neck and a pink rose tucked into said ribbon. The kitten is smiling a Mona Lisa smile and standing on some disembodied piano keys. The words "Here on earth, Joy iy youry" are written in warped pink comic sans. There is something in the upper right corner in tiny pink writing, which reads in part "joy/delight" and then devolves into inscrutable text. /.End ID]

Specimen 2: Sad girl kitten shirt with matching emo arm warmers. Obviously we've all felt when here on earth joy iy youry. Universal human experience. Love the tit highlighter. Shirt looks like the someone communed with Beezlebub to design it. 8/10

[Image ID: A grey t-shirt, slightly over-sized/loose fit. Design looks very American; it has a cartoon planet with a ring around it. Black text arching above the planet reads "INTERNATIONAL" and over the planet green block text continues "Pretty Girls Club". Underneath the planet is more black text reading "FOUNDED BY BINCH CITY". On one side of the shirt there's a slit that cuts up to approx just below the tiddy zone, or at least to the midriff. At the top of this slit are two clothing tags with mostly unreadable text on them, but one reads in all-caps "CHOOSE HAPY". /.End ID]

Specimen 3: Shirt for pretty girls who choose hapy. "Binch city" might say "beach city" but I'm choosing to believe that it says "binch", as "binch" is infinitely funnier. Slit is a wildly unexpected choice but doesn't do enough to alleviate the overall boringness. 4/10.

[Image ID: A blue shirt with one mismatched sleeve in slightly darker blue. Has two large starry cartoon eyes and blushed cheeks hovering, disembodied, on the lower right side, below which is a horizontal cut in the cloth that gapes open like a mouth. Dangling from the hem of the shirt below this face are two long strips of fabric with little chicken feet. The main body of the shirt has a speech bubble reading in large white text "Can you tie a bow for me?". /.End ID]

Specimen 4: Really can't get into this one, lads. Hopefully you too have the dreadful moment of realisation that "Can you tie a bow for me?" means that the cartoon face is inviting you to use its chicken legs to tie a bow through its open maw to hold its mouth wider open in a parody of a grin. This isn't speculation by the way, it's demonstrated in accompanying pictures. 10/10 for "oooh absolutely not."

[Image ID: A white t-shirt totally blank but for the photorealistic picture of a fat ginger cat taped to it with a thick strip of silver duct tape. Cat doesn't look mad about the arrangement. /.End ID]

Specimen 5: This Guy. 21/10, absolute mad lad.

[Image ID: A white t-shirt with some food and drink on the centre, drawn in a sketchy coloured art style. There is a small bowl of apples, and a bottle of milk labelled "milk". There is also a teapot made to look like a fridge, with its door slightly ajar and an even tinier bowl of fruit and a tinier carton of milk sitting on top. Next to this is a plate of either cheese or butter, with a breadknife lying on top and some remnants of unidentifiable food to the side. Words under this plate read "more parsley". There is no parsley on the plate. There are also larger words reading "Good enough to eat BUT DON'T!" with an arrow pointing towards the plate of cheese butter. /.End ID]

Specimen 6: Good enough to eat!!! BUT DON'T! I like that the milk is labelled "milk" so you know what it is. The teapot fridge situation raises more questions than it answers. I feel that the "more parsley" note gives a sense of philosophic allegory to the whole thing. There's no parsley on the plate, but is that why more parsley is needed? Can you ask for more when you have nothing, or do you simply ask for parsley? This design also reminds me of a lot of Korean stickers I've used. 10/10, classic.

[Image ID: A photo of a person wearing a shirt. The shirt is black and oversized, with a large pink toy rabbit dominating the centre of the design. Over this rabbit are all caps in pink and white, reading "MXCHN SAEAY". Beneath the rabbit in smaller white all caps are the words "JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE INVITED' DOESN'T MEAN YOU" then below that also in white all caps the words "FROM THE MIND' OF JORDAN PEELE". /.End ID]

Specimen 7: FROM THE MIND' OF JORDAN PEELE. Now we enter the ever popular gibberish category, crossing over slightly with the category of "selecting random things from Western culture to reference nonsensically", which happen to be two of my favourite categories. I once saw a collection of shirts with the disembodied heads of two of the kids from Stranger Things and text reading "EMILY + ME <3". I don't know enough about Jordan Peele's films to be sure that this isn't actually a coherent reference, but I know enough about Asian shirts to say with some confidence that it probably isn't one. Absolute delight, pleasure to have you here, 11/10.

[Image ID: A cream-coloured ringer t-shirt with navy blue edging at the sleeves and collar. It has a navy blue picture that at first glance looks like a cute cartoony drawing of two people at either a shop counter or having dinner. On closer inspection the picture doesn't actually make sense. There are two people sitting at a table with their backs turned to the viewer, their faces turned to talk to each other. But also the table seems to be two school desks, and at the same time be inside a coffee shop counter. The counter has what looks like a pitcher and coffee press, and two short stools in front of it. The table/desk situation merges into the top of the counter. There is also a light overhead and something that looks like an inkblot picture floating above the coffee press. Crowning this conglomeration of visual gibberish are letters spaced together like made-up words, arching over the whole drawing. These letters/words are "DNHELIE COST" then "1997", followed by "ENJOG DOPS COSRN SN". More words are on the front of the counter, "ene Lirenocs [unreadable] ENJOG Meanris". Somehow, next to all that are perfectly legible words saying "let's go!". /.End ID]

Specimen 8: HELLO? Truly in the total gibberish category now. Prime specimen of its genre. I took a psychic damage hit trying to describe the image. 9/10, point deducted because the design is clearly made up of stolen images merged together.

[Image ID: A white t-shirt with actually coherent design and English. Artwork of an cranky black cat over striped colours with vector art of a syringe above. Layered above and below the main image are the words "I GOT VACCINATED BUT I STILL WANT SOME OF YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM ME". /.End ID]

Specimen 9: Speaking of obviously stolen artwork, this is to a Westerner a totally normal shirt but I cannot describe to you how jarring it was to see this amongst my cutesy frog overalls and FROM THE MIND' OF JORDAN PEELE streetwear. I've tried to recreate the experience by saving this one until towards the end but I fear that unless as a child you also went to Morning Glory semi-religiously to look at journals with "lovely day girl" and bootlegged Disney princess chibis plastered all over them, you simply will not be able to experience the same emotion via the empty illusion of forced immersion. 2/10, clearly stolen, design is too coherent, this is an imposter in my lands.

[Image ID: A white cropped t-shirt printed with pink and blue pastel lettering. Lettering reads "Friendly Reminder, not being racist is not enough". There are pink hearts between the words "is not enough". Below this is a text bubble outlined in pink, which contains smaller black text that reads "Nothing will change unless we recognize and actively work against our own internalized biases, unless we are willing to risk our comfort for the sake of others". /.End ID]

Specimen 10: The only thing more jarring than the vaccinated cat shirt is this, also an obviously stolen design, but worse. This is the inverse of an imposter in my lands. I've seen artwork like this since 2011 on a thousand passive aggressive tumblrina blogs. Why is the DNI page of a white 23-year-old who does nothing but start fights over Steven Universe and have "soft baby pet" in their bio on a t-shirt sold alongside DNHELIE COST 1997. When I look at this I experience two emotions. The first emotion is a complicated inner conflict between knowing I agree with the basic principle of the artwork and not being able to separate it from some of the most unbearable people I've ever crossed paths with. The second emotion is this:

[Image ID: A screenshot of beloved fictional character Mike Wazowski standing in front of a door and screaming at his best friend, Monsters Inc employee and lauded foster parent James P. Sullivan, known to friends as Sulley. Foster child Boo, commonly referred to by Mike Wazowski as "that thing", stands in monster cosplay to Sulley's left. /.End ID]

Okay, I've saved the best for last.

[Image ID: A grey acid-wash t-shirt with a picture of a black skeleton floating with its arm spread out, glowing infra-red. Above its upturned hands are hovering a black star and a globe respectively, also both glowing. There are lightning strikes around the skeleton and poor definition red roses at its feet. Large hippy font words above the skeleton read in all-caps: "MENTAL ILLNESS". Below the skeleton similar all-caps read "SOCIAL MEDIA MAKE YOU BE A DIFFERENT PERSON". /.End ID]

Specimen 11: I believe that if you're a regular tumblr user you fall into one of 6 categories:

you are the kind of person who likes tea and libraries

you think this shirt is somehow problematic

there is some part of you that wants this shirt

you are the kind of person who likes tea and libraries and there is also some part of you that wants this shirt

you think this shirt is somehow problematic but there is some part of you that wants this shirt anyway

a complicated sexy lil mixture of all of the above

Please if you reblog this post put in the tags which category you fall under, for science. Also rate this shirt.

#hmp42 #i've tried my best with the IDs but i am new to this #I tried to strike a line between evocative enough to have the psychic damage of the image #and not too just for laffs #i use subtitles and while i like some humour it does also annoy me when people put random jokes in

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boringkate · 11 months

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Here’s a Mega folder with a handful of junk for you trans girls to watch

https://mega.nz/folder/g14TWJaL#u5hER7DzOJbdJbAR0mhtBQ

///TGIRL FEATURE FILMS (alphabetical order)

Adam (2019) it's about a cis boy who's mistaken for a trans boy and rolls with it. Big cast of trans characters including a tgirl played by a tgirl who everyone wants to fuck. Directed by a trans dude. Highly legit. If you're still hung up on pre release speculation based on the novel then you're the most annoying person alive.

Assassination Nation (2018) The first half is Euphoria and the second half is The Purge. ONE OF THE BEST TGIRL MOVIES OF ALL TIME.

Bit (2019) Lesbian girl power vampire movie where the main character is a tgirl played by a tgirl. It's solid. I find it frustrating that they hint at her being trans without explicitly acknowledging it (and she's passing as fuck, so it's easy to not notice), but I know that's what some of y'all want.

Boy Meets Girl (2014) Cis dude for trans girl love story. Pretty normie, but also you see her fully naked (gock out) at the end.

Funeral Parade of Roses (1969) Extremely 60s. Cool as hell.

Lady Daddy (2010) South Korean romcom about a trans girl played by a cis girl who tries unconvincingly to back pass when she finds out she has a kid. Very cute.

Lingua Franca (2019) written directed and starring Isabel Sandoval. An undocumented trans woman immigrant in New York deals with a cis dude partner being a cis dude. Which is also the plot of The Garden Left Behind (2019).

Myra Breckinridge (1970) Raquel Welch is a trans woman and her goal is the destruction of the last vestigial traces of traditional manhood! It's Fight Club! It's Hackers! It's divisive, but it's probably my favorite movie!

So Pretty (2019) Literally the first scripted feature length (non pornographic tho it does have cock) film to feature two trans women played by trans women kissing eachother.

Something Must Break (2014) THE OTHER BEST TGIRL MOVIE OF ALL TIME. Drugs. Crimes. Gock. Slow motion pissing. Slow motion park Fucking. Genuinely the most beautiful sex scene I've seen in any movie. And she makes it to the end still alive and more sure of herself and at peace than ever.

Tangerine (2015) Groundbreaking and also a bunch of the secondary characters are real life pornstars (which I think is neat).

The Garden Left Behind (2019) This and Lingua Franca (2019) really are tgirl twin films, but (like with Antz and A Bug’s Life) the vibes and details make them distinct (I assume tho tbh I’ve never watched Antz).

///TGIRL DOCUMENTARIES

Bambi (2013) about a trans girl showgirl in 50s/60s paris

Paris is Burning (1990) basically it's Pose.

Shinjuku Boys (1995) Trans dudes working in a tokyo club that caters to tboy chasing cis girls. There's at least one trans girl in the mix too.

///FORCED FEMINIZATION

A Reflection of Fear (1972) They raised her as a girl and it made her do murders! It drags in places, but the girl in it is so ethereal and it has ageplay vibes and daddy issues.

Memory Run (1996) A very fun direct to video scifi action flick about fighting fascism by blowing up your pre transition self with a rocket launcher + it's based on a novel written by a trans woman.

She-Man A Story of Fixation (1967) Notable for being such a cliche sissy maid fantasy while also coming out so early + it was Bob Clark's first film lol.

Sleepaway Camp (1983) A more famous version of Reflection of Fear.

Surrender Dorothy (1998) A MUST WATCH. I personally bought a physical DVD and made an ISO of it for you because I was unsatisfied with the quality of the only copy that seemed to exist online. I ALSO PERSONALLY CREATED MY OWN SUBTITLES FOR IT BECAUSE EVEN THE DVD DIDN’T INCLUDE ANY! WHICH TOOK HOURS TO DO!

The Skin I Live In (2011) A rapist is kidnapped and turned into a girl by a mournful vengeful plastic surgeon. Which was also the plot of Victim (2010). I never really vibe with Pedro Almodóvar movies, but I recognize this is the preeminent forced feminization film.

///SHORT FILMS

Gender Troublemakers (1993) Some 90s Toronto trans girls fucking and discoursing. Explicit tgirl on tgirl action. This is the only one on the list that I haven’t actually watched yet. I’m hyped to watch it tho. Seems mindblowingly rad af.

Happy Birthday Marsha (2018) It's about Marsha P. Johnson.

I don't Know (1971) I'm obsessed with the trans girl in this one she just keeps popping up in all kinds of early 70s stuff. Directed by Penelope Spheeris (who is the sister of the cis gf in it).

Mesmeralda (2019) AN ABSOLUTE BANGER HOLY FUCK THE VIBES ARE OFF THE CHARTS! PLS WATCH THIS! I refuse to apologize for it being 15GB or to re encode it. It’s worth every byte and I want to ensure that this full quality copy doesn’t disappear off of the internet.

Pat Rocco's Changes (1970) It's that same girl again!

Queens at Heart (1967) I can't get over that hairdresser girl thinking she's back passing. Most adorably weak boymode ever.

Shangri-La (2021) Another Isabel Sandoval joint.

The Yellow Wallpaper (2021) Freshly post op girl with a supportive boyfriend goes unhinged.

Undress Me (2012) Jana Bringlöv Ekspong did a few short films. Give janabringlove a google after watching this.

///JUST LIKE BTW

Some of these would be tough to find elsewhere, but most of the movies are also watchable on fmovies and/or can be torrented in higher quality.

After you've worked your way through the folder then just start doing Google searches for trans films. Look at IMDB keywords and letterboxd lists. There are so many more out there. These are just like my personal picks.

#trans #trans girls #trans films #queer films

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lovewithmary · 7 months

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(not) moving on — a max verstappen x stark!oc x charles leclerc series

★ fc: madison beer ☆ summary: evangeline "evie" stark is in love with her best friend, max verstappen, but he tries his best to keep her at arm's length. but what happens when she starts to get close to his fellow drivers in the paddock? ★ note: idek why i like creating stark ocs, but it’s fun. This is purely for my own entertainment but I don't know if I'll continue it. It depends if people actually want to see more of this. (realistically, I might continue it because I want to see it lol) btw how do people do the subtitles?? like I'm so curious I want to do those

schat = darling in dutch

next series masterlist

liked by landonorris, charles_leclerc, and 20,492,182 others

eviestark: life lately 💜

comments

user1: MY WIFE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP???

user2: she’s actually living the life rn

user3: SCHAT??? ANG???

user4: the random tony stark jumpscare in the photo dump LMAOOOO

user5: who is the guy with tony stark in the 7th photo?? ↳ user6: i’m pretty sure that’s peter parker, an employee of stark industries??? he’s started out as an intern in high school but he’s rumored to be the COO once evie becomes CEO of stark industries

user7: WHO TOOK THE 2ND PICTURE

user8: not the single guys from the f1 grid in her likes 😭😭

user9: THE WOMAN IN THE BACK IN THE 7TH PICTURE IM CRYING

user10: the first and second picture giving me 'boyfriend took these for me' vibes

user11: she looks so pretty and happy in the 4th picture <3

"You're playing with fire by posting our text messages, Ang," Max said, his voice shushed as he walked around the paddock.

"It's fine, Maxie. They'll probably connect me to a random famous person who is Dutch and then it'll blow over in a week," Evie dismissed.

"It doesn't really help that the guys are in your likes constantly," Max grumbled, and he heard Evie laugh.

"Some of them are pretty cute, and I think some even tried messaging me but I never saw them until it was late," she responded.

"Who?"

"Aww, Maxie, are you jealous?" Evie cooed, her tone sweet yet mocking at the same time.

"No... I just never expected them to be brave enough to message you," Max said.

"If you must know, I think it was Charles and Lando who tried. There are probably others, but I haven't seen them,"

"Did you respond to any of them?"

"Of course not, I'm loyal to you and only you,"

"Schat..."

"I know, I know, you wouldn't touch me with a ten-foot pole like that," Max could practically hear her rolling her eyes.

"You know we're just best friends, right?"

"And I'm saying I'm loyal to you and only you as a best friend."

"Are you doing anything soon?" Max was quick to change the subject, feeling as if he didn't, awkwardness would settle in and he hates it whenever Evie doesn't speak since he's fully aware that he loves hearing her talk considering how passionate she gets about things.

"Stark Industries' Gala is happening and Pepper's making me get a date for the event,"

"Why's she making you?"

"Something along the lines of I have to be seen with someone that isn't MJ, Peter, Ned, and Shuri," Evie sighed.

Max laughed at her situation, knowing that while Evie knew a lot of people, there were only a few that she could trust completely. And luckily for him, he was one of them. He was probably the first, considering they've known each other since she was 6 and he was 8.

"Good luck trying to find someone,"

"It's not even trying to find someone I'm struggling with. It's trying to find someone that's decent enough to spend my night with,"

"Who were you going to ask?"

"Well, I was going to ask you, but since we're best friends I don't think me bringing you as my date to the SI event would be something best friends do,"

"I'll go," Max said, shrugging.

"Wait, seriously? Like you going means you actually have to dress up,"

"I know,"

"The dress code is black tie. That means you can't wear your Redbull uniform like you're a walking billboard,"

"Do I really wear it that much? I saw people that were shocked when I wore a white t-shirt,"

"You're a millionaire who wears the same thing every day. So basically, every millionaire man,"

"I'm going to wear Redbull head to toe to the Gala now that you said that,"

#f1 imagine #f1 instagram au #f1 x oc #f1 ig au #f1 oc #f1 smau #f1 social media au #f1 x reader #f1 x y/n #f1 x you #max verstappen x oc #max verstappen fic #max verstappen smau #avengers crossover #charles leclerc x oc #charles leclerc fic #charles leclerc smau #charles leclerc x reader

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satoryuga · 2 years

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Honestly, it's a fault of mine but I'm very sensitive and I cried a lot over this, even right now. I tried to report that blog days ago, but I was told in the report response it would remain because no violations were found. I sent another report today, but it feels helpless.

I don't understand anything about what's happening.. I was told often here before that I should block people who are rude to me or doing things that make me feel uncomfortable, but I did that so I'm being punished? There are people who go there and say they want me to be harmed, beaten or raped. To have my home address and have other information about myself shared online like it’s nothing... I'm seriously very much afraid, so much so that I can't even go to my home and staying with my parents now. I think the people who can follow this person and send messages of encouragement are also very scary and evil people.

I've always kept quiet and never said rude things to anyone, despite the terrible messages that would come in every day on this website before I closed the message function. I've never been treated like this in any other gif sharing place I go to. Many sisters in my life told me not to interact with English speaking friends because if they find fault with you and make them angry, they'll call you with misogyny like you've never seen before. "You will be attacked for being born a woman who dared to be happy" is what my gif Twitter friend told me.

I would like to keep posting gif here. Because gif here is a very different format from what I was used to, so I could be a little creative. By being here, I learned how to make subtitles in gif that I was able to present the entire scene of beautiful words for this place and my Korean gif sharing community.

There were people who were nice to me, and there were people I was happy when I saw their user ID interaction with my posts. It has an invisible link but I would like to believe that not everyone was waiting secretly for the opportunity to say that they hope for my rape and abuse. Likewise, I would like to believe that there are people who will not be friendly when someone agrees that I should be harmed.

I'd like to come in again for the Donbrothers this time and the time after until the end, but I'd like to say that I don't want to interact with people who say terrible or disgusting things. Don't force myself to endure it. I really don't want to.

Even though I say I want to post again for the next episode, but I'm really so afraid, I might not have the strength to come in. My heart is so broken, all I can feel is betrayal and fear. It hurts so much. I don’t know if I can heal from this, so it’s best for me to remain with my family and stay away for a while so I can breathe again.

Thank you very much for everything up until now. I hope that this translation can be understood. My hands are shaking and I've crying over and over, so I might not have typed well enough for a coherent translation.

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rubyreduji · 8 months

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ahegao and arousal — ljh

summary: jihoon just wanted to have a nice night watching anime with you, how was he supposed to know the show he picked was a hentai?

tags: smut (minors dni!) warnings: explicit unprotected sex, hentai, ji is kind of a perv, creampies, spanking, scratching, finger sucking, pinning, multiple orgasms wc: 3.6k an: ANON I SCREAMED WHEN I READ THIS LIKE AHHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE YOU i made up my own anime plot for this hehe but watched wotakoi while writing bc office romance

orignal request: woozi and reader are at a sleepover and are both anime geeks but what’s playing is not anime and more hentai

Akira, long time secretary at Hayashi Corp, spends her days doing errands for her boss, Hiroshi, and keeping the office running. The mundane pace of her life is suddenly thrown for a loop when the new data analyst, Kaito, is hired.

That’s what the description of the show Jihoon picked said. It sounded like a cute little work place, slice of life romance anime at the time of Jihoon scrolling through what show to watch with you tonight. Oh how wrong he was.

Last week you hunted Jihoon down and insisted that it has been far too long since you two had a day to spend hanging out just you two, so Jihoon invited you over for an all night anime marathon. It’s no secret that you two are giant anime buffs, and so it was difficult for Jihoon to find something that both of you have yet to see. So when he came across this new anime he thought it was the perfect pick. It had an 8.7 review and tropes that Jihoon knows you enjoy, making it the perfect show to watch with you.

The show started out fine, a bit cliche but overall carrying the same cute aesthetic of all romance animes. Sure there were a few throw away fanservice bits, but Jihoon didn’t think anything of it. Until he did.

Jihoon’s ears burn as he tries to figure out where to look. He can’t look at you, that would just make him even more flustered, but staring at the TV is out of the option. Even as Jihoon stares at the wall, he can’t escape the lewd sounds playing out of the speakers. He can’t exactly tell what the characters are saying due to it being in Japanese, but from the excessive moaning and slick sounds, he can interpret it.

The show was going so well, to the point where the two of you were starting to root for a male lead, and then all of a sudden Akira is being cornered in an empty meeting room by Hiroshi (who is the wrong male lead, by the way) and their clothes are flying off and then Jihoon had to stop watching.

His curiosity gets the best of him though and Jihoon glances at the TV, just to take a quick peak, only to get a full view of an animated cock being slid into an exaggeratingly wet pussy (why is it uncensored!?). She cries out as the subtitles read, “He’s so big!~”. The image changes to the bouncing of Akira’s unnaturally large tits as Hiroshi starts to thrust into her. Above her tits is the image of her face, screwed up into a classic hentai ahegao.

Now, Jihoon is well…a man, and men have certain urges that need to be taken care of every once in a while, and Jihoon often finds himself looking to certain content to help out those urges. He of course carries shame for it and would never actually admit that he watches hentai (a lot), but it's a fact that’s hard to hide when his body is reacting to the scene the way it normally would if he was watching it alone.

You haven’t spoken a single word since the scene started, and Jihoon just prays to god that you’re not looking at him or his lap.

Now in theory, Jihoon could just turn the TV off but then that would force both of you to face the reality that you have now consumed porn together and Jihoon doesn’t think he can handle that. Just thinking about it makes Jihoon’s dick twitch even harder.

Jihoon takes a shallow breath and finally risks a glance over at you. He’s shocked at the sight. Your bottom lip is placed between your teeth, being chewed up as you stare intently at the screen. Your knees are pulled to your chest and there’s a slight gleam in your eye as you watch the scene. Is it possible that you’re…enjoying this?

Jihoon allows himself to get a better look at you, as it’s clear you’re solely focused on the show. He watches as you take a shaky breath, your thighs squeezing together as well. The sight drives Jihoon just slightly insane, and it doesn’t help you’re in the skimpiest pair of sleep shorts and a tank top, sans a bra.

You and Jihoon have been friends for a while. You two met coincidentally at an anime convention, You were cosplaying as one of his favorite characters and Jihoon made sure to get your socials. You were interested in his own socials though, noticing the OST covers he uploaded occasionally. When it was revealed you two are from the same area, you two quickly became close. Now, nearly six years later, you’re one of Jihoon’s closest friends.

The only thing is, Jihoon has a fat, massive crush on you. He has for years now. It doesn’t help that the characters you cosplay the most are either some of Jihoon’s favorites or characters who are the biggest victims of fanservice behaviors. One time you cosplayed a character who fell under both categories and that night Jihoon shamefully jerked off to the pictures you sent to him.

And now you’re here, dressed in revealing clothes, sitting on Jihoon’s couch, invested in the porn scene playing on the TV.

Jihoon eyes travel down from your face to your chest, where your tank top does a poor job of hiding your cleavage. He can see the way your chest swells with each shuddered breath. It’s clear now that you’re very into this, and Jihoon wonders for a brief second how wet your panties are.

Jihoon then quickly chides himself, looking back at the wall and away from you. That’s where his gaze stays until the scene ends. Once the show goes back to being a seemingly innocent romance anime, Jihoon finally allows himself to glance over at you. To his surprise you’re staring back at him.

“I, uh, can’t believe she’d hook up with Hiroshi,” you say, breaking the silence between you two. “Clearly Kaito is the better choice.”

Jihoon coughs, clearing his throat. “Y-yeah. It’s also kinda weird since he’s her boss…”

The conversation fizzles out quickly after that and you and Jihoon go back to watching the TV in awkward silence. Jihoon can still feel the ache in his cock as he watches the characters fumble around each other.

Jihoon can barely even focus on the show, too busy trying to think about anything that will get his boner to go down. He’s not sure what’s happening on screen when all of a sudden you start squealing.

“Oh my god Jihoon, it's happening!” You launch yourself across the couch to grab at Jihoon’s arm. He’s startled for a moment, his skin burning where your fingers dig into his flesh. He glances at the TV to see Kaito walking Akira back to her home.

You don’t let go of Jihoon as you settle down next to him, your body now pressed up against him rather than across the couch. God Jihoon swears his cock has never been so hard in his life. He’s sure the pillow placed over his lap is anything but subtle.

You’re not looking at Jihoon though, too invested in the conversation the two characters are having. Jihoon glances down at you, only to realize that was a bad choice as he’s now staring straight down your shirt at your cleavage. For a moment Jihoon thinks about how he wouldn’t mind seeing how your boobs bounce while he fucks you.

Jihoon’s still focused on you solely, when you gasp. He glances at you and then the screen to see the two characters posed in a kabedon. It doesn’t take long for the two to start making out and Jihoon can already anticipate what’s going to happen next. Your fingers dig into Jihoon’s arm before you realize what you’re actually doing. You go to pull your hand back, but you stop halfway through, your fingers just barely ghosting Jihoon’s arm.

“We can just skip this scene,” Jihoon finally says, seeing the internal conflict going on in your mind. He moves to reach for the remote but you stop him.

“N-no, it’s okay,” you tell him, in a voice that’s smaller than normal. “U-unless you don’t want to!”

“No, it’s uh, it’s fine,” Jihoon says. You give a slight nod, not moving your hand away.

You and Jihoon quiet down once more, staring at the TV, both of your cheeks warm. On screen Kaito is bending Akira over the counter, his cock pulled out and rubbing against her slit. Jihoon hears the labored breath you take, as your fingers slightly tighten on his arm.

Jihoon flits his eyes to glance at you, noticing the intrigued look back on your face. His fingers twitch on his lap as he stares down at your thighs, pushed together. The lewd sounds of moans and squelches fill the living room and Jihoon is five seconds away from getting up to go relieve himself in his bathroom.

Jihoon knows you. If something goes wrong you’ll both just brush it off and forgive and forget it. Fuck it.

Jihoon reaches out and slides his hand over your thigh. You jump a bit and Jihoon goes to pull back, but you stop him.

“No! You’re uh-, you’re fine.”

Jihoon just nods, trying to pretend like his mind isn’t reeling right now. His thumb brushes over your bare thigh, caressing the skin.

Your thighs are soft and he does his best not to full on grope the fat there. Just touching you like this has Jihoon’s cock leaking desperately in his boxers and he thinks about how good it would feel to touch in other ways as well. The swell of your breasts under his palms, his plump lips against your tender neck, his hard cock nestled inside of you.

Jihoon lets his mind wander too much, and the last image makes him squeeze your thigh hard, causing you to let out a moan.

“Fuck, Jihoon,” you mutter.

“I’m so sorry!” Jihoon shouts, quickly pulling his hand away. You’re quicker though, grabbing his hand and placing it on your upper thigh, his fingers just barely brushing against your crotch. Jihoon’s mouth goes dry.

“F-finish what you started, Ji,” you tell him, your voice thick with lust.

Jihoon gulps and nods. He moves his fingers to press against you harder and you automatically spread your thighs to give him more room. Jihoon can already feel how wet you are and he stifles a groan. You let out broken gasps as Jihoon continues to rub at your clit through your shorts.

Jihoon can’t take his eyes off you, staring at you the way the swell of your breasts heaves with each breath. Jihoon shifts his position to face you so he can reach out his free hand. It hovers over your chest for a moment before he finally pushes forward, grasping your boob in his palm. Your breath stutters before you release a low moan. Jihoon can feel the clench of your thighs around his hand.

Your pussy is dripping now, soaking straight through your panties and shorts. Jihoon’s cock is also leaking, begging to be slid into your warm walls. His cock strains against his shorts, like it’s trying to break free from the confines itself.

Jihoon groans and pulls his hands off of you and you whine. You’re not left untouched for too long though as Jihoon hooks his fingers into your waistband and starts to pull your shorts down. You lift your hips to help him out, pulling your top off your body as well. Even though your clothes did little to cover you up, seeing you fully naked drives Jihoon insane.

He stares at your slick pussy and he nearly drops to his knees then, thinking about how heavenly it would be to be in between your thighs, but his dick twitches a little too hard and he knows he has to get inside of you now. Jihoon pushes his shorts down his legs and his cock finally springs free.

“Jihoon please,” you whine and Jihoon groans. He sits back down on the couch and grabs you, pulling you onto his lap. You look pretty, perched on Jihoon’s thick, pale thighs. Your pussy rubs up against his cock and Jihoon can feel your arousal spread across his length, lubing it up.

“S-shit,” Jihoon curses. Your fingers grasp his shoulders tightly, your fingernails just starting to dig in, and the slight sting goes straight to Jihoon’s cock.

“C’mon Hoonie,” you mumble. “Just fuck me.”

That’s all Jihoon needs to properly line himself up and slam right into you. You whine loudly at the feeling as Jihoon slides right into you, your cunt already so need that there’s no resistance. Just as Jihoon expected, your walls are soft and warm as you clench down around him.

Jihoon grasps your waists, slowly guiding you up his length before pulling you back down. Jihoon can see you biting down on your lip as you roll your hips against him. He reaches up and gently pulls your lip out from between your teeth with his thumb. Before Jihoon can tell you he wants to hear your moans, your tongue darts out and licks at the pad of his thumb before you lean down and take his whole thumb into your mouth.

Jihoon’s hips buck up into you as you suck on his thumb, your tongue swirling around it. You look down at him with your sultry eyes and for a moment Jihoon wonders if you’ve wanted him just a long as he’s wanted you.

You gradually speed up your pace until you’re fully fucking yourself on Jihoon’s cock, fast and hard. You pop your mouth off of Jihoon’s thumb, finally letting your moans flow free. To Jihoon, you sound like an angel singing. As you bounce in his lap Jihoon can’t help but stare at your tits as they bounce in front of his face. He realizes that if he stares for too much longer, he’s going to cum too soon.

He leans forward and starts to pepper kissings along your neck and chest. His fingers trail up your torso until they come to your tits. He palms at your chest, hard and mean, desperate to feel you up as much as he can.

Your fingernails dig into Jihoon’s shoulders even harder, slightly dragging up and scratching him. Jihoon would never consider himself a masochist but the pain burns delightfully and suddenly he wants you to tear up his whole back.

“F-fuck, Ji~” you whine. “Your cock feels suh’good.”

Your cunt squeezes Jihoon’s cock, so close to milking him for all that he’s worth. Jihoon doesn’t bother taking his mouth off of you, just humming against your collarbone. Jihoon’s body feels like it’s burning up, the feel of your soft skin pressed against him, your warm cunt wrapped around his aching cock. If he doesn’t cum soon he’s sure that he’ll implode.

Jihoon reaches between your body and snags his finger on your clit, rubbing at the bud rapidly to get you closer to your orgasm. You gasp and whine as your hips get more frantic, breaking your steady pace.

“G-gonna cum,” you say between broken breaths. You lean down and capture Jihoon in a kiss. The feeling of your lips against his is new and Jihoon already can’t get enough of it. Jihoon pushes his tongue between your lips, licking into your mouth to taste you better.

You move your hands up to cup his face, tugging him into you even harder as your body trembles in his grip. Jihoon can feel your walls fluttering around him as you reach your high. That’s all the signal Jihoon needs to let go as well, finally letting himself spill right into your cunt. Your hips soon come to a stop and lift up off of him as your body slumps down onto his.

“You know,” you mumble into his neck, your fingers now playing with the hair on his nape, “I’ve always kind of fantasized about this happening.”

“W-what?” Jihoon asks, his mind already dizzy from his orgasm and now your words aren’t helping.

“You’re hot Ji. Like, I’ve never met an anime nerd as buff as you. You’re also just like…really nice and caring? I don’t know, ever since we met a small part of me has always wanted to fuck you.”

“Shit,” Jihoon groans. “You’re saying that we could have been fucking for years now? Baby I don’t think you know how badly your cosplays turn me on.”

“You’re gonna turn me on again,” you murmur.

“Good,” Jihoon responds. “Because I still have one more round in me.” Even after cumming, Jihoon’s cock is still hard and he easily flips you around and presses you down against the couch. Your face is now buried in the cushions as Jihoon pulls your hips up to meet his.

“S-shit,” you gasp.

Jihoon pushes his thumb against your folds, rubbing at them for a moment before pulling one to the side. Your cunt is shiny from your arousal and as Jihoon forced your entrance open, some of his cum from earlier starts to spill out. Jihoon is tempted to finger fuck it back into you, but it’s not too much of a loss when he can just give you fresh load.

Jihoon’s tip rubs up against your slit, teasing you. You wiggle your hips slightly, begging for him to put it in. Luckily, Jihoon is just as desperate as you are and pushes his hips forward, his tip easily sliding into you.

You just had Jihoon inside of you and yet the feeling of his cock rubbing up against your walls as you moaning and drooling on the couch cushions.

“So good for me,” Jihoon mutters to himself. “Fuck how do you feel ever better the second time.”

Jihoon’s hips slam into yours, rough and slow, making each stroke intentional. His grip on your hips is tight, making sure you stay in place as he fucks into you.

As much as Jihoon loves staring at your tits bouncing in his face, the view from the back is just as good. He can’t help himself as he lifts his hand up, letting his palm smack against your ass as he brings his hand back down. He watches satisfied as your ass recoils, the fat jiggling deliciously. He repeats this action a few more times until he’s sure your ass is warm and stinging from the hits.

“H-hoonie, faster, please,” you beg. You push your hips back, trying to force Jihoon to pick up his speed.

“You need more, baby?” Jihoon coos teasingly. “Want my cock to pound your little pussy?”

“Yes,” you sob out. “Need you to fuck me hard.”

“Okay baby, your wish is my command.” Like a switch flipped, Jihoon starts to plow into you, the head of his cock ramming into your g-spot with each thrust.

Jihoon slides his hand up your spine, his fingers coming up to cup around the back of your neck, and he pushes down, holding you against the couch. It’s dirty, your ass sticking up in the air as your face is squished against the cushion, but that just gets Jihoon going even more.

“You look so pretty like this,” Jihoon tells you. “Back arched just for me.”

You can’t even respond, just letting out a spew of babbles and moans. Your fingers grip onto the edge of the cushion and Jihoon wonders if it’s second nature for you to dig your nails into something when being fucked. He’ll have to test that another time, your nails raking over his back as he fucks the life out you.

For now he’ll stick to railing you into tomorrow.

“S’close,” you slur. “P-please. Need to cum.”

“Aww, you need to come? Okay baby, cream all over my cock.”

Jihoon continues to abuse your sweet spot with his cock as your body tense under him. Your cunt clenches down tight into a vice grip as you whine high pitched and loud. Jihoon rubs at your hip as you orgasm. It isn’t until you fall spineless to the couch that Jihoon allows himself to fill you up once more. He milks himself dry inside of you, making sure you’re stuffed full. Jihoon knows you’re on birth control (you’ve complained about the change in hormones to him before) but the knowledge that Jihoon pumped you full with two loads still drives him slightly insane.

Jihoon slides out of you and slumps down on the couch as well. You shuffle around so you can cuddle up into his side and press a soft kiss to his jaw.

“This was fun,” you mumble and Jihoon laughs.

“Yeah…we should do it again.”

You grin. “We should.”

Before Jihoon can say anything else, you’re both caught off guard by a loud shout coming from the TV. You both whip your heads back to the screen, it seems in the midst of your own fun you both forgot what started it all.

A smirk crosses your face as you look at Jihoon. “You know, for my next convention maybe I should dress as Akira. I think I have a blazer sitting around in my closet somewhere…”

The thought alone sends Jihoon’s mind reeling. The thought of you dressed up in a tight blazer and short skirt, knowing that the character is from a hentai. He’s not sure he would be able to keep his hands off of you.

“And who knows, maybe you could dress up as Kaito with me.” You send a wink Jihoon’s way and it’s enough to have Jihoon’s dick twitching to life a third time.

Oh yeah. He definitely won’t be able to keep his hands off of you, but something in Jihoon tells him you won’t mind too much.

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theehoneeybee · 3 months

Text

Late Night Sugar Fix

pairing: Edward Naston/gn!reader word count: 1.3k warnings: swearing, brief mentions of murder, implied stalking, usual Gotham things

synopsis: the night shift at the diner was always quiet, few people willing to venture out into Gotham at night, except for one regular who came in on an almost nightly basis.

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

a/n: i'm back in my paul dano era. I used to write for him back on an old blog of mine and it's nice to do it again :)

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

Another slow night. The drops of rain trailing down the window carried the colours of the glowing city lights with them. The small, old TV perched in the corner re-aired news segments from earlier in the week. The sounds barely reached your ears and the subtitles lagged behind the speech.

The diner had become quieter over the past couple of weeks. With two vigilantes using the city as an oversized playground, and crime at an all time high, people weren't too keen to leave the house. Especially at night.

There was a few regulars who still came in, fellow night shift workers coming in for a much needed cup of coffee after a long day. The familiar chiming of the bell pulled your head away from the TV, turning around in your chair to greet the stranger.

His back was turned to you, his green jacket decorated with dark spots from raindrops. He set his umbrella gently down by the door and shuffled over the the bench, taking a seat on the cracked black leather stools.

"Evening," you greeted him. "What can I get started for you?"

The man barely makes eye contact with you. "A cup of coffee please, and, um, do you have any pumpkin pie?"

The clear frames of his glasses rested on the bridge of his nose, little droplets of water clinging onto the lenses. His soft brown hair stuck to his forehead. The umbrella must not have done its job. You gave him a nod and went out the back to prepare his order.

Once you came back, the man had cleaned off his glasses and his attention was now focused on the TV screen. You placed down the food, matching his gaze to look up at the screen.

It was a repeat of a news story from earlier in the day. 'The Riddler terrorises Gotham' the subtitles read, the face of the news reporter was replaced with one of the Riddler's infamous livestreams. The reported called him all sorts of names, 'murderer', 'villain', 'terrorist'. You couldn't help the small scoff that left your lips. This caught the strangers attention, half turning his head to look at you through the corner of his eye.

"Look, I don't agree with the killing," you quickly tried to justify yourself, hoping you hadn't offended him. "But at least he's doing something. I know too many people who have suffered because the cops don't do shit."

An emotion you couldn't quite place flashed on his eyes, leaving just as quickly as it appeared. He nodded, looking back at the TV. "Someone had to do something."

You spend the rest of the evening aimlessly scribbling in your notepad, occasionally turning to the TV for some lacklustre entertainment. The man left, giving you a small nod on his way out. As you cleaned up the plates, wiping down the counter, you glanced at the door.

He left his umbrella.

You leant against the counter, idly flicking between the pages of a newspaper that a customer had left behind.

"I speak without a mouth and hear without ears," you read the riddle printed on the thin pages aloud, "I have no body, but come alive with the wind. What am I?"

"An echo." The answer made you jump, no longer alone in the diner. "The riddle," the man gestures to the newspaper in your hands, "It's an echo."

The same man from yesterday with the clear frames and mousey brown hair was back. You never even heard the door bell ring. Same routine as last night, he sits down and orders a slice of pumpkin pie and coffee. You watched him out of the corner of your eye as he ate, filling in the puzzles from a newspaper of his own.

Strange, you settled on, was the best way to describe him. He kept his head down, occasionally shifting awkwardly in his seat and adjusting his glasses, a nervous habit. Strange, yes, but he also was also endearing. Or maybe you just pitied him, the same way a sad puppy is both adorable and heart breaking.

The man was about to leave, folding the newspaper into a neat little rectangle and tucking it into his jacket. Before he had a chance to go, you dashed into the back of the diner to reunite him with his forgotten umbrella.

"Wait!" you called out to him, "you forgot your umbrella yesterday."

"Oh," he says quietly. "Thank you." He took the umbrella from your hands.

"I never got your name, by the way. I know all my regulars by their names," you explained.

He stares at you, eyes obscured by the reflection of light on his lenses, expression unreadable. "Edward," he finally introduces himself.

It was around the time that Edward began to frequent the diner that you began to notice strange occurrences.

When you would walk back to your apartment, the sun barely peaking over the tall city buildings, it felt like you were being followed. You could feel a pair of eyes searing into the back of your head. A wave of relief would wash over you once you finally stepped into your apartment.

On one of the few nights off you had, you were laying on the couch when a card was slipped under your front door. Getting up from your comfortable spot, you half-opened the door and peered down the hallway. Empty. It was a small greeting card with a cartoon owl of the front with the text 'owl always love you' written in cursive.

'I have keys but no locks. You can enter, but you can’t go outside. I have space but no room. What am I?' was scribbled messily on the inside of the card.

You didn't sleep that night.

You and Edward had developed an unspoken friendship. Each night you found yourself looking for forward to his visit. While you didn't talk very much, there was a mutual enjoyment of each others company. He would help you solve the puzzles in forgotten newspapers. Edward was very intelligent, always quick to answer. While he liked crosswords and dabbled in sudoku, you learnt riddles were his favourite.

"Are you any good with computers?"

Edward looked up from his puzzle, "I'm okay. Why?"

"Well I've been having this issue with my laptop," you explained. Whenever you tried to use it, it would work for about a minute before the screen blanked. Only a small question mark could be seen, flickering in the top right of the screen. You didn't want to waste your money bringing it to a repair shop or buying a new one, so your best bet was asking Edward. "It's probably a virus from one of those shitty free streaming sites."

"I can come take a look at it."

You scribbled your phone number down on a scrap piece of paper. "Thank you so much."

You had texted back and forth with Edward to arrange a time for him to come to your apartment to look at the laptop. Was it the smartest move to invite an almost-stranger into your apartment? No, but Edward seemed trustworthy enough.

'I'll be there soon :)' his message read.

Soon, there was a knock on your door and you were letting Edward into your apartment. He took a seat at your desk as you booted up your laptop.

"It'll be fine for a few minutes and then-" the screen went black. "Bam!"

Edward adjusted his glasses, bringing the laptop closer. "Yeah, I see what you mean." You watched anxiously as he fiddled around with it to little success.

"I don't think I'm going to be able to fix it here," Edward explained. "However, if I hook it up to my computer at home I should be able to get the virus off it."

"So it can be fixed? I don't need to buy a new laptop?" Edward shook his head no. "Oh, thank you! You don't mind doing it do you?"

"It's okay. I'll give it back to you at work tomorrow."

You thanked Edward profusely as he left your apartment, laptop in hand. When you sat down on the couch, fear punched you in the stomach. The blood drained from your face when your realised that,

You never gave Edward your address.

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