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uncurlinglikeflowers · 3 years

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Queer Trauma, Coming Out, & the Long Road to Self-Love and Healing

As I’ve reflected on my past, I’ve discovered that my adolescence may be one of, if not THE most traumatic time of my life thus far as a queer person. The last few months with my incredible therapist have made me realize that the years of anxiety, panic, fear, self-loathing, confusion, and depression have scarred me deeper than I had previously thought. She also made me realize that this is at least partially because I have never really talked about it openly and in depth in a healthy and productive way before, which is what inspired me to start this blog to share my experiences with others that are currently struggling with their identity, or to allow those that are also currently healing from the trauma of their previously closeted life feel a little more seen.

I knew from a VERY young age that I was different, but didn’t know how or what it meant. I was a lonely kid for a lot of my childhood without many friends. I didn’t want to play football with the boys during recess. I sought companionship at lunch with a table full of girls more often than not, which in itself also made me feel incredibly self conscious at the time as well.

I asked, (with incredible shame) for the “girl’s toy” from the backseat in the McDonald’s drive-thru because I loved to play with the mini-Barbies and craft entire storylines for them. They were easier to hide in my room than regular sized Barbies. I spent most summers off school alone playing video games and reading book and book after book. I didn’t really click with the boys down the street. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and the color purple. I was lonely without really knowing what it meant.

I feel as though that fear I felt in my childhood and adolescence held me back from SO much. Middle school in particular was absolute hell. I hated it. I always felt constantly insecure and uncomfortable. I had absolutely zero confidence or self love. I hated my body and how I looked.

While other kids experienced their first relationships and first feelings of romantic love, I was convinced that it was just not a possibility for me. On top of being deeply closeted, scared, confused, lonely, and in deep denial, girls didn’t go for me anyway. I was the awkward chunky guy struggling with his identity feeling like he had to make up for it by working extra hard to get perfect grades and give himself 100% to other people. I tried not to think about it too much, but hearing about relationships, seeing people kiss in the hallways between classes, and girls talking about what they liked in boys which was the complete opposite of me... it was hell.

To make my self consciousness worse, I felt supremely uncomfortable in gym class and the boys’ locker room in particular. I was ashamed of my body and also self conscious for wanting to look at the other boys; terrified that they would catch on and beat me senseless. Hearing them consistently call each other f*g in a very VERY negative context drove me deep into the closet as the identity I already felt shame for was directly correlated with being a ridiculed outcast, and something that was inherently, disgustingly wrong and unacceptable. The worst insult teenage boys could deliver to each other in the safety of an unchaperoned locker room in a hick town often not kind to queer people or those that were different. I SO desperately wanted to fit in with the other boys instead of being any version of who I actually was.

Part of that façade of blending in with my hetero peers involved having a girlfriend for two months in 8th grade. We didn’t even kiss, let alone approach any sexual situations. I’m sure she had her suspicions. I was utterly obsessed with the concept of blending in by having a girlfriend like the other boys and just having someone special in my life, even if we really didn’t even do any couple things.

Upon reflection, I don’t think the concept of ever being sexual with her ever crossed my mind in the slightest. Even the idea of kissing her scared the hell out of me, and not just from first kiss nerves. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right for me. Don’t EVER tell a kid they’re too young to know. Fast forward to modern times, my first kiss with a girl was with a close friend YEARS after I came out. Go figure.

The idea of caring about and loving myself was non-existent at that time. It’s a very VERY new and ongoing journey for me. I didn’t really care about myself at all. I hadn’t learned how to. Mom was in and out of cancer treatments, and would later pass during my senior year of college and kick off my coming out process, but that’s a whole other post for another day. Spending pretty much my entire childhood watching mom deal with being sick, I didn’t want to cause my family any more discomfort. I was full of self loathing, fear, and confusion, but it seemed irrelevant and unimportant because I didn’t want to be a hindrance.

Instead, I tried so desperately to be the perfect kid and son by befriending my teachers, being a model student, and joining band and a bunch of organizations to stay as busy as possible to stay distracted and impress everyone else.I didn’t love myself because I didn’t think I was allowed to or deserved to in my own head. While I did finally make more meaningful friends in high school, I continued to go through the motions to make my family proud to make up for the scared closeted kid who thought he had to make up for his queerness as though it were a shameful weakness, and it seemed to be the only thing that could possibly matter at the time.

Non-surprisingly, I never really knew any openly queer boys in grade school. It probably legitimately wasn’t all that safe to come out in that environment. I’ll never forget the two boys I saw holding hands in a Wal-Mart that absolutely shook up my entirely reality, because I had never seen romantic same-sex affection in person before.

There was a lesbian couple at my school, but people said awful, degrading things about them behind their backs constantly and acted like they were the biggest freaks. Another boy in my grade in high school hadn’t come out yet officially but was very flamboyant, and thus was treated just as awful as the lesbian couple, if not worse. Other kids just regularly said despicable things about him without even knowing him at all. I even heard parents make blatantly homophobic jokes about him.

His life had to have been hell, and as a fully out queer adult, I still regret not being able to stand up for him more. That definitely forced me deeper into the closet. He wasn’t even out but got talked about like he was some disgusting abomination. How could I ever assume that I could ever come out, let alone kiss, date, and love another boy? I HATED the idea of any attention being placed on me, so I just wanted to survive school at that point.

I had multiple people throughout high school ask me if I were gay just as though it were the most casual question rather than a triggering inquiry that sent me into a mental frenzy every damn time it was presented. Having one of the jock boys ask me such a deeply personal question in passing on the way to my seat in Algebra class was traumatizing. I of course always said no, as at the time I was still convinced it was a passing phase and that I couldn’t actually be gay.

At home, in the days of Myspace, I got anonymous messages telling me they were pretty sure I was gay. The anonymity was arguably worse in some ways.

At a young age, I became hyper aware of how I carried myself, talked, and acted. I loathed hearing my voice or seeing myself in pictures, for fear of sounding too feminine or standing or emoting too gay. I obsessed over the concept that boys and girls carried their books a certain way, or the boys would be labelled as queer. I was paranoid about where I shopped for clothes, the colors I wore, and the length and fit of my shorts.

In middle school, I got a lilac colored trapper keeper for school that I ultimately had my parents take back to the store for a different one because I felt so self conscious about it all day. At home I played with my little Barbies, but didn’t dare tell the kids at school for fear of rejection and isolation. Overall, I felt grossly incompetent, irrelevant, and unimportant in my own mind. Unworthy of love and of course, deeply ashamed for my attraction to the other boys.

I never had anyone whatsoever to help guide me through the coming out process, because I didn’t know a single queer person who could. I’ve now dedicated a good amount of my energy trying to be that person I desperately could have used then for anyone else that needs that role to be filled, and for someone to tell them that someone is incredibly proud of them. An obscene amount of queer people don’t ever hear “I’m so proud of you!” when they really need it the most.

I also didn’t have any good queer representation on TV or in movies, so I really did feel completely alone at times. Most queer characters in media existedly solely to be made fun of and mocked, ratcher than celebrated, properly represented, or God forbid, given a legitimate love story, and the public’s reaction was so frequently one of such repugnance and disapproval.

This was also probably about the time that a close family member told me that he had punched a gay guy for hitting on him when he was younger, a story he again felt the need to share with a now ex-boyfriend and I when we were dating, as though that’s not a horrifying thing for an already scared and closeted queer to hear from their own family.

I think during middle school in particular is when my anxiety and depression issues started, but I assumed either that I was being a baby and that my feelings were invalid, or that it was just teenage angst. The idea that boys and men should mask their emotions and feelings and feel shame rather than expressing them was, (and seemingly appears to continue to be) a very real thing in small towns and society in general.

It didn’t occur to me at the time that I was experiencing varying levels of almost daily trauma that would fuck me up well into adulthood. If you take anything at all from this post, let it be that the conversation around mental health, (and men in particular in this instance) NEEDS to change.

Another particularly noteworthy event in my queer adolescence was when two of my friends, (both girls, shocker) discovered gay porn on my computer. While they pestered me about if it were mine while they laughed, I of course lied. I felt a deep shame and utter humiliation. On reflection, fucking IMAGINE if they had been able to be gentle and understanding with me and told me they loved me and still would even if I were gay. From then on I was terrified that they would bring that day up to our other friends as a joke. Perhaps they did a time or two, I don’t recall. These same friends made jokes about the queer kid I mentioned earlier, and both parents of one of the girls regularly gossiped and made homophobic jokes about him when I was at their house

By the time school dances rolled around, I knew I would never be able to go with anyone but friends. Even if I weren’t still deeply closeted, I’m pretty sure my school still had pretty strict rules against bringing same-sex dates to Prom. While I definitely had fun with my friends at the dances we went to, I so desperately longed for a world where I could dance with a boy who loved me like everyone else was able to.

The loneliness and isolation I felt at the end of those nights could be unbearable because it didn’t seem possible for me, even as I looked into the future. I was fully convinced I would live a very lonely life without anyone to love me the way I craved. I didn’t belong in that world, and wouldn’t ever be set up for that kind of happiness, joy, and feeling of content. I would live for everyone else but myself because that’s just the way the world worked for us queers.

I wish I had had just one single person then who gave me full permission to be my authentic queer self on any level. Someone who could hug me and tell me life after high school and college could and would be vastly different. Someone to tell me I wasn’t an unlovable disgusting freak, but rather a kind-hearted boy who deserved a deep love someday because I was a valid and gentle soul who deserved the world. I certainly deserved more than the shame and pain that constantly haunted me.

Maybe then I wouldn’t have thought about death before 30 so much and obsessed over it well into my college career. I might have realized that I needed to learn to be gentle with myself and take care of and prioritize me and my own happiness. So many people let me down and convinced me that I was a filthy sinner and an over-emotional kid with invalid perspectives and feelings. As most of my closest friends, (that I cannot stress enough have been the ones to save my life and encourage the authenticity that I present so proudly today) came into my life after I had already come out fully, they weren’t around during those dark early struggles.

Sometimes as an adult I still wonder what it would have felt like and how profoundly different my life could be if someone had held me close and sincerely told me they’re proud of me for what I survived and overcame, and told me that they can’t wait to see my eyes light up with the love I’ve always dreamed of in a boy, and that I still continue to seek.

Young, baby gay Travis would be in absolute awe if he knew what life had in store for him back then. To see a future version of himself painting his nails, wearing whatever he wanted, dancing with strangers at pride festivals, having the time of his life at drag shows with his queer family and falling in love with boys? Proudly holding a boyfriend’s hand walking downtown in a busy city? Openly telling his dad about the cute boy he’s going on a date with? Going Facebook official with a boy? Being a super vocal advocate and inspiration and mentor to not only queer family, but to people he hardly talks to but manages to influence and inspire just by unashamedly being himself? Genuinely looking forward to kissing his new husband in front of family and friends on his wedding day, knowing it’ll be one of the happiest days of his entire life?

Holy. Actual. Fuck.

Travis of six or seven years ago wouldn’t have even dared to dream this big, let alone baby gay Travis. He probably would have been utterly mortified but SO comforted to see that future life when he didn’t believe it to be any level of possible.

I’m so fucking proud of myself for this journey, and no one will ever take that away from me or water down my trauma or the grueling work I’ve put in. Genuinely, this is the one thing in my life that makes me absolutely burst with pride.

I think I want to learn how to keep baby Travis in mind with this pride without having to revisit the trauma in the process. Look back at him with open arms, excited to see him learn and blossom into his actual self someday. Even if he could have desperately used someone like the me I am today, he survived then, and continues to persevere today.

He’s queer as fuck, and proud to shout it from the rooftops. He’s a voice and an advocate for the voiceless. A shining light and beacon of hope for those still navigating their terrifying escape from their closeted life. He’s going to meet a man someday and love him so deeply in the way baby Travis always dreamed of. Above all, he’s going to continue to make that little guy so incredibly proud because he knows now the importance of loving himself in the process.

I’m so proud of that scared little boy. I just wish he could have known then how proud he would make himself one day.

As you talk with the queer people in your life, please keep in mind that just about all of us have incredible trauma directly tied to our identities. Talk to them with love, compassion, and understanding. Tell them how proud of them you are for pursuing their own happiness in the face of oppression and rejection.

Demand better from elected officials. Advocate for us. Shut down homophobic ideals, even if you think it’ll make your family and friends uncomfortable to hear. Support queer content, artists and creators. Be a proud ally, but don’t ever allow yourself to take the spotlight away from actual queer people or our queer spaces. Mourn, love, and celebrate with us.

Understand why pride is SO fucking important to us, and why you never have to worry about needing your own pride events. Listen to us and love us for exactly who we are, and were always meant to be. Love is the most incredible, beautiful, and often rare human experience we’re able to experience during our short time on this planet, and it should always be celebrated.

Happy Pride!

#pride #gay #lgbt #journaling #love #queer #coming out #coming out stories #queer trauma #adolescent trauma #self love #healing #trauma

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werevulvi · 4 years

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This is not a coming out post or a declaration of new labels in any way, shape or form what so ever. This is merely me venting new thoughts and trying to detangle my feelings. I'm just experimenting around, alright.

I took a break from venting to my partner about my endless gender anxieties and instead turned to an online friend for advice on my situation, because he was open to hear about it, and asked me about my wish to go back on testosterone. This barely adult trans guy who's 10 years younger than myself, only been on testosterone for about a year and fairly recently had top surgery, has become a little bit of a mentor for me... ironically. As just a couple of years ago, I was a bit of a mentor for him as an inspirational "trans elder."

Is it right that I unload my deep, heavy inner struggles on him for advice about transition/detransition stuff? Debatable, but I'm pretty sure I have good influences on this kid, as he has matured and wised up vastly for the past couple of years that we've been friends. And yes, he's totally fine with my "terfy" gender critical, radfem opinions, despite being a transmed/truscum himself. We usually get along just fine, despite our different views. He looks up to me.

So, for whatever it's worth, I really value my friendship with him and I have a lot of respect for him.

So, anyhow. I had a chat with him yesterday, in which he kindly tried to substitute for my absolutely useless therapists. Much appreciated. And it helped me to get a new, fresh perspective on it that sparked a lot of new ideas and feelings within me. Even as a gender critical person, I think it's important to not narrow my mind down to only listening to that one world view. If I'd do that, I'd be no better than the hive-minded TRA's, okay.

What's so fresh about his world view is that he doesn't believe in nonbinary, because he understands that the only sexes that exist are male and female, and that intersex is not a third sex, and otherwise has the quite typical transmedicalist view of gender identity being connected to dysphoria and that that's something trans people are born with, alright. Furthermore, he accepts that he's bio female and always gonna be that way, but just feels better living as a man and passing as male.

So he would never shove the nonbinary label down my throat, like almost everyone else has (including my quack of a gender therapist who literally spews fake-science), and he understand that I really have dysphoria when I describe it to him, despite having mostly thought of me as "a regular cis woman deep down." He understands that my traumas fucked with my perception of gender, takes my autism and BPD into account (he's also autistic and his sister has BPD); but is also quite open to the idea of atypical dysphoria in binary trans people, and that trans men don't have to be masculine, etc. He's also totally fine with my sex-based views on sexual orientation, but regards his own sexual orientation as gender-based. So his perspective differs slightly from my own perspective, but we do have a lot of views on trans stuff in common, and are both respectful of each other's differing views.

That should be the necessary background info about him, I believe. So like... he's not like the harmful TRA's on twitter, even though he has shitty views on bisexuals (yes, that was him in my previous, angry post about bisexuals, lol. We got over that.)

What he suggested to me was basically (my rough translation of a snippet from what he said, what stood out to me the most): "Why not be openly FtM? Accept your female traits (then I mean body and terms like lesbian and that too) but put yourself in a male identity? It sounds kinda like that is what fits the best in your situation when the only thing you have dysphoria over is just what's socially male traits och not the directly bodily." It hit me hard because I had never seen it that way before. It opened up a new posibility, and that's really all I'm saying here. It's a posibility, and I want to explore it. Just telling me that I can be FtM if I just feel like it was not what I needed to hear. I discarded that from others in the past, claiming such an assertion to be silly and illogical. I miss my breasts, I regret my top surgery, I love my female body and I'm proudly a lesbian - I cannot possibly be a trans man because I don't have enough dysphoria for it! -I kept thinking.

But then... when I was instead told that I could be FtM based on that I actually want to and like passing as male, and that I can actually totally be a hyper-feminine, lesbian trans guy who is fine with his female body underneath the clothed surface... THAT lit a light in me. So, why I had been repeatedly discarding the option to be a feminine trans man in the past, wasn't because I genuinely thought it was a dumb idea, but because I didn't believe it could even be an actual option, based on my dysphoria being so... female friendly. Now... I feel like it could be an actual option.

I mean I have healed... A LOT. I've healed my connection to being female a lot. I've even accepted and embraced that I'm a lesbian. I made most of my dysphoria go away. Those are HUGE things that should absolutely not be flushed down the drain. But fact is I'm still dysphoric and without really having seen it that way before, I have been presenting as a feminine/gnc male quite a lot throughout my detransing, and that's what I'm the most comfortable with. I've stated it many times: That I love looking like a gnc man. Being a "male-passing bearded woman" oooh sounds like a trans guy to me?! Well, could be. I've felt consistently uncomfortable trying to pass as female, and my dysphoria has gotten worse the longer I've been off testosterone. Quitting voice training and saving out my beard again felt like two huge reliefs; to embrace my beloved T traits and accept that I cannot possibly hate them.

They are mine, they feel intrinsic and crucial to my body and I want them to stay. Now I'm hassling with my gender clinic to get back on testosterone again. I am going to. If at all possible.

I feel a sense of relief, but also defeat, at the thought of going back to my old label as a trans man. However, it wouldn't be the same as it was back then. I'm a proud lesbian now, I have enough pussy power to empower a whole nation of insecure women, I'm fine with being considered a woman based strictly on my biology, I've healed my connection to my female sex. I feel like a completely different person compared to the miserable, self-hating trans man I was prior to mid 2018, and I would never go back to being that sorta trans man again... but I'm contemplating the posibility of being a lesbian, openly female, gender critical trans man. Because as my friend said: why not? Let's address gender identity quickly: Would I then identify as a man? No, not really. If so, I'd wear the label trans man or FtM in the sense of being a dysphoric female who's happily transitioned, (hopefully) back on testosterone, happily male-passing and living as sort of a man socially. Then I mean living as a man in the sense of deliberately passing as male, going by male terms/pronouns (except from labeling myself lesbian and being fine with using female terms on occasion, depending on the context) but not actually identifying as any sorta gender in particular. Then why calling myself a man at all? Well... because I look like one and I love looking like one. People cannot see or hear in my voice that I'm actually female, and they don't need to know that, except from when they actually do need to know that. I want to be open about my sex being female but I feel like maaaaybe I'm not actually comfortable with calling myself a woman. At least not like 500 times a day. Because personal comfort is more important than politics. Repeat that after me.

This does however, unfortunately but of course, make me re-think my wish got get breast implants. Do I regret my top surgery? Yes. Do I miss having boobs? Yes. But it's hard as hell to present male with obvious boobs that I'd be unable to bind. Both because the implants would likely damage my internal tissues badly if I kept them pressed down like that, and because I've already whacked my ribs from previous binding pre-op. It would be way too dangerous for both those reasons. I can't help that the thought of being a trans man with silicone boobs, after top surgery, sounds insane to me... but I'm trying to look beyond that and focus on what I want for myself and what matters to me personally. If I actuallly, truly, madly, deeply, want new boobs for myself and my private personal life because I think that would improve my connection to my chest... then I should do that regardless of how insane it may seem... because of the label I'm slapping onto my ass.

The questions spinning in my head, about my chest, are:

Can I live with it?

Can I accept that I made a mistake to have top surgery, but move on with my life with how things became?

Would it be easier to become fine with it if I reclaim my former male identity, or just another escape?

Was my wish to get new breasts only connected to my identity as a woman?

Would I be able to let go of my grief and regret, and find the silver lining of having a flat chest, as a self-loving and self-caring, openly FtM person, while presenting as male?

Could I allow myself to enjoy going out bare-chested in public and enjoy the summer breeze, or pool water, directly caressing my skin, if I'd embrace that I actually enjoy looking like and living as a man who is actually female?

If I willingly and wantingly present as male, not just skipping trying to pass as female out of convenience, but embracing my male-passability as a positive thing that I actually enjoy; would that also make me comfortable, or at least okay with, not having breasts?

I need to think through all of those questions. I'll soon have my consultation for breast reconstruction. Fuck. I need another summer to explore and experiment with being flat-chested and how I really, really feel about it. My god, why is this so hard?! (breathe... relax... it’ll be alright.) Yes, I have healed my connection to my femaleness, but was that ever equal to me being happy with living as a woman? Perhaps I went too far with it to actually detransition, when there was an in-between option all along, that I just glossed over and discarded without even entertaining the thought. Perhaps the middle ground that I need to be, is not nonbinary... but a lesbian, openly female trans man? I need to experiment and explore this new-old option which I feel just opened up before me. I'm freeing my aching chest from the heavy breast forms and tight bras, even trying out packing my underwear again (I kept my small "Pierre" packer (uncut version) which is perfect for when wearing skirts, as it barely shows any bulge at all... because boner+skirt is just a really bad look alright), while still wearing my usual feminine style. I'm vaguely considering going swimming in just bottoms again (whether panties or shorts). I'm playing with the rare, male name Saphir in my mind as an alternative to my similar-sounding birth name Sara (which I currently go by, officially), and asking myself gently how I would feel about going by he/him pronouns and male terms again; just to play around and feel things out.

So far... it feels pretty fucking good. But it's only been one day and that's not a lot to go on. I need to give this a hell of a lot more time. I am not done yet. I'm merely starting, again. I only wanted to vent these thoughts and feelings while they're still fresh in my mind. So please excuse the mess, I'm still under construction and it's unfortunately taking a little longer than expected. Thank you for your waning patience.

#detrans female #ftm #gender critical #ftmtf...tm?#just exploring the idea thats all #transition #testosterone #chest issues #labels schlabels #lesbian #dysphoria

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w1tchy13itch-blog · 7 years

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idk your scholars but 30 through 40 for them (all of them if you have more than one) thank you!

Hoo baby baby I have five little squirts and I am ALIIIIIVE because I love this specific selection of questions!!

I’m on mobile so there isn’t any formatting or gifs this time, but I will edit it on my PC later what it isn’t dead XD.

For the sake of brevity I’m only gonna include a scholar if the question applies to them well.

✨✨✨✨✨

30. Is your scholar self-conscious about anything? If so, what is that thing?

❤️ Lillie: YES. Lillie always feels like she is annoying people. Because she is so hyper and talkative she gets told to shut up or to slow down a lot, usually in polite ways, but as a consequence of her lower self esteem it takes the wind out of her sails pretty fast.

❤️ Darcy: He feels like he is expected to be a clone of his sister and has a huge inferiority complex. It doesn’t help that he’s also trans which means being compared to his sister not only strips him of individuality, but also triggers dysphoria.

❤️ Abby: She’s self conscious about what the media says about her. When in public she clings to her security guard and wears identity concealing clothes like how Michael Jackson used to put paper bags on his kids heads to hide them from the media.

31. Does your scholar get along with their parents or guardians?

❤️ Lillie: Heck yes. Her parents helped her get out on puberty blockers at 10 and managed to assist her in changing her legal name and gender by 16 even though her grandparents disapproved.

❤️ Vivi&Darcy: Yes. They have three parents, two mothers and a father, in a polygamous relationship. This made it easier to raise twins for the parents and so there was less drama during their formative years.

❤️ Flora:Of all my scholars, Flora has the best parental relationship. Her biological mother and her stepmother both are open minded. They made sure Flora was humble and aware of her privileges and also the power she has to help others.

When Flora messes up or makes a mistake, they don’t berate her endlessly but they sit her down and get her to reflect on what she’s done and how to avoid it again later.

❤️ Abby: She was taken by CPS from her birth parents at age 8 so that goes without saying how she gets along with THOSE parents. Her adoptive parents took her in because when they went to the adoption centre in search of a baby they fell in love with 12 year old her instead.

They are constantly doing what they can to help her heal from her trauma, and have studied up about her culture to make sure she never loses touch with it despite now living in a whole new world. They are very proud of her artistic achievements and are the first ones to buy her albums.

32. What is their sexuality?

❤️ Lillie: straight asexual

❤️ Vivian: bisexual polyamorous

❤️ Darcy: bisexual

❤️ Flora: lesbian

❤️ Abigail: lesbian

33. What is their gender?

❤️ Lillie: transgender female

❤️ Vivi: cis female

❤️ Darcy: transgender male

❤️ Flora&Abby: cis females

34. What is their favorite part about their crush’s body?

❤️ Lillie: She loves his (Tadashi’s) nose and lips. If/when they get together, Lillie will trace them with her fingertips and kiss them gently.

❤️ Vivi: she loves Claire’s hair and Alistair’s chest.

❤️ Darcy: Axel has a lot of tattoos and you bet Darcy can’t get them out of his mind.

❤️ Flora loves Abigail’s tummy and boobs. Abigail loves flora’s hands.

35. What is their favorite part about their crush’s personality?

❤️ Lillie: She loves how serious Tadashi is taken. She strives to someday be acknowledged like he is. His work ethic and cunningness makes her feel inspired.

❤️ Vivian: she is purely smitten with Alistair based on his charm. He’s a warm and inviting person. She likes Claire’s dedication to her department and silent disposition.

❤️ Darcy: he’s a sucker for the cocky flirty type. Axel is basically equal halves of both of those.

❤️ Flora loves Abigail’s artistic expression and her deep soul. Abigail loves Floras confidence and motherly instincts.

36. Is your scholar selfish at all?

❤️ Vivian is very full of herself but doesn’t let that get in the way of helping others. She’s just a little narcissistic.

❤️ Darcy is definitely a little selfish, but most of it comes from an inferiority complex he developed over his sister.

❤️ Abigail is selfish for trust/trauma reasons. She’s a little too dependent on Flora at times.

37. Does your scholar have any silly secrets?

❤️ Darcy’s giant mega crush on Axel is his silly secret.

❤️ Flora’s favourite music is rap/hip hop, and she can sing/rap really well but doesn’t cos it looks weird for a skinny white chick to break out into 2Pac all of a sudden.

❤️ Abigail thinks Shrek is the best kids movie ever, knows the whole movie by script and owns the soundtrack.

38. Does your scholar have any big secrets?

Only one scholar has a big, deep secret, and ironically it’s the happiest scholar I have;

When Flora was 14 and overseas with her parents, she had a one night stand for the hell of it with a boy, and later in another country found out she was pregnant. She was so afraid to tell her parents that by the time they found out, she was showing, and was not willing to abort it because of how long she’d had it inside her. She gave birth to a son who is now being raised as her brother by her mothers who were very shocked but also willing to help her through it.

39. What is their favourite article of clothing?

❤️ Lillie: Shirts, preferably cute femme ones, but with a goth color scheme.

❤️ Vivian: Sundresses

❤️ Darcy: oversized jackets

❤️ Flora: button up shirts

❤️ Abigail: shoes and accessories.

40. What is their least favourite article of clothing?

❤️ Lillie: school uniform

❤️ Vivian: sneakers and gym socks

❤️ Darcy: anything feminine

❤️ Flora: sweatpants

❤️ Abigail: anything leather (sweaty!!!!!)

✨✨✨✨✨

I AM SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG BUT I WARNED YOU

And THANKS FOR THE ASK AAAHHH!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

#se scholar #sweet elite #sweet elite oc

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poetryofyouth · 7 years

Text

Self realizations

tw: gender dysphoria, depression, bullying, homophobia, etc basically don’t read unless you want to feel down and hate me forever

(please don’t reblog)

(I just finished these >1800 words of rambling, it probably doesn’t make sense, and if you read this you know me better than my therapist, sorry bout that)

I used to be an asshole, I mean I still am in some ways, but my assholery nowadays is mostly just me being cynical towards conservative/homophobic/transphobic/ignorant people who also are assholes in my humble opinion.

I used to kinda be a homophobic /transphobic/ignorant asshole and I just get sick at what kind of an abusive dick I was.

I picked at my younger brother for liking the colour red, painting his nails, wanting to dress up as a princess in my old costume and other things. I used the word “gay” as an insult and a curse word. I picked on a relatively flat chested girl in my class and talked about her small breast behind her back because,,, peer pressure?? I told transphobic jokes, called trans* people “it” or their birth pronoun I made fun of people in public who didn’t look obviously look like a woman or a man and called them “it” when trying to find out what sex they were with friends. I actively told homophobic jokes, laughed at homophobic jokes and encouraged the use of slurs I didn’t stand up for queer people. I used to think being gay was bad and being trans was sick I don’t think I knew that non-binary was a thing, but I would have laughed at anyone trying to tell me there were more than two genders I used to feel disgusted at trans women I mercylessly used queerness as a punchline in jokes I used to desperately kling to gender norms and basically made fun of anyone who defied those Like I remember how wrong it felt when we played family at preschool and a boy wanted to be the mum, it was weird and wrong to me. And I then I used to think that gender wasn’t really a thing at all just because my expericene with it was?? basically

And it’s not my parents fault I was a douchy kid. They didn’t give a single fuck when my brother and I played with my Barbies, or with his Lego. They didn’t care when we both dressed up as princesses or as pirates, or when I painted his nails bright pink (because he wanted me to). It was always me who was an asshole and abusive. And gosh I was an agressive kid, I loved to scuffle and sword fight with sticks while at the same time thinking it was wrong because that’s what boys and only boys do. I definatley didn’t have a rough childhood or anything, it was just me.

Basically, I was a total bag of dicks until I was, probably, 14, when I couldn’t escape the reality of my queerness anymore. I still did some of the things then, but it had more of a bitter aftertaste and I had fallen madly in love with a girl I knew for like a week before never seeing her again. I was probably in love with my female best friend before that, since I was 12, but didn’t really know since “girls can only have crushes on boys”. There was this game, Pflicht, Wahl oder Wahrheit, kind of like truth or dare, and the standard question was always “which boy do you have a crush on right now?” and i just couldn’t comprehend the concept of that. I read in magazines how it should feel like to have a crush on a boy, and it just didn’t happen? I tried making myself fall in love and pretended to, but you can’t just force these things, obviously. And I got never picked on as a kid, I would have been the perfect victim, shy, quiet, fat, ugly,..., but I guess I was just lucky. And my class all the way through school was great.

Anyways, I was fourteen and I knew I was gay, it still sounded disgusting in my head, and had a crush on a girl I hadn’t seen in months. I started isolating myself and simply not talking to anyone in my class and hiding at the bathroom in the breaks just to avoid people. I don’t think I was depressed then, but I think that’s where it started, even though it took years to reach peak crisis. With 15, i still wasn’t out to anybody irl even though i read an watched a lot of things about sexuality and finally kind of stared to accept this part of myself. Then, in 10th grade, I did a foreign high school year in the USA. I was randomly placed in Ohio, with a hyper conservative family, i don’t think i need say more. During my first month, I subtly asked my host mother what she thought about homosexuality, and she straight up told me “I don’t like gay people”. Great, obviously coming out wasn’t happening there. I saw the humorous side ot this, sometimes, when I felt like a undercover liberal queer spy who is for health care and likes Obama more than bush. I wrote so many emails to friends without sending them, about me being gay. I couldn’t even say the word lesbian without feeling weird. During that time, I also started to self harm seriously. And even though I wasn’t out to anyone, I was bullied for being gay by two girls during lunch. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t deny being gay, so I just sat quietly and told no one about anything.

When I got home things got a little better, I chopped of my hair and died it red and loved it. I came out to two friends, and slowly to others as well. They were all super accepting. I had my first (and only for now) girlfriend at 16 and came out to my parents, who of course didn’t mind and kind of knew before. I still cried, and I love them to death. So everything should have been fine at that point exept it wasn’t and I was a depressed self-harming suicidal mess until I attempted suicide in September 2015 when I was 17. Then I was locked up in a psychiatry for 3 months. Even after that I was too broken to continue school, since the pressure and especially one of the teachers were the main reason for my mental health issues. So I was a high school drop out and i still feel ashamed for that, one year later. Mental health issues make everything harder. And even though my internalized homophobia was not the only reason, it definately contibruted to the mess i was.

Again, I have never been bullied by my Austrian class mates (the asshole ohio girls were not at home) but still my class teacher appearently thought my issues and the reason i dropped out was because of bullying and scolded my class mates for being mean. When I heard that, months later, I felt super guilty these guys have never done anything wrong to me in their life!

That’s where schools go wrong, they say bullying wiill not be tolerated and don’t do anything to help victims of bullying, and accuse students of bullying when the actual reason other students feel down is just school itself.

In fall of 2016, I went to New Zealand for three months and volunteered in environmental protection, and this was the most healing thing I could have done. Seriously, no amount of therapy or medication could compare to knowing I am doing something for the planet, for the future. Of course that’s not for everybody, but for me it was the best possible thing to happen

So I’m in an allright place right now, not cured, but okay for the most part. I can say i am happy being gay and wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I have also started to accept my queerness on another level, the gender queer level. I identify as non-binary, that might change, but i’m fairly comfortable with it.

Right now I am in a weird dysphoric mood (yeah who would have guessed?) and feel really bad about my chest. I need to buy a binder. I felt so uncomfortable with my fat curvy body for the last few days. And binding with a wide belt and bandages is not healthy, I know, but I need to do something to be able to look in the mirror!

I think my picking at the girl with small breasts stemmed from jealousy, same with picking on my brother for doing traditionally feminine things. I wanted to not be a girl so bad all my life, all the signs were there, but I just pushed it into the back of my head and acted like the ignorant assholes i hate today.

One of my fondest, little childhood memories was when i was probably just 6 years old, and had short hair and basically looked like a little boy. My brother’s preschool teacher once thought I actually was a boy and asked my brother about his “brother”, refering to me when i went with my mother to pick him up form preschool. And hearing this stranger calling me “boy” was just a feeling of total bliss, I was so excited and happy because I was not called a girl. Unfortunately my mother corrected her.

I grew my hair out and had long hair consistently for 10 years until I cut it off again. At first it was a feminine pixie cut, now it’s basically a men’s haircut. I don’t even go to a hair dresser, my mum cuts mine, my father’s, and my brother’s hair, which is great, because I hate going to hair dresser.

I sometimes get “misgendered” in public and it’s still great, I just love being perceived as masculine (well when I’m feeling and presenting that way, but when I’m not I don’t get misgendered, at least I haven’t yet). I think it’s called gender euphoria, and love that word.

I haven’t completely figured out either my sexuality or my gender identity so I just identify as queer. I’m out as a lesbian to my friends and family, I don’t know when I will be able to talk to them about my gender identity/pronouns. Especially because there isn’t a pronoun in German I feel as comfortable with as “they/their”.

And sometimes I still wake up and think “maybe I’m just faking it for attention, maybe I’m just a neurotypical, straight, cis girl who wants to feel like a special snowflake on the internet” even though straight and cis and girl feel so wrong that I feel as uncomfortable saying them as I used to feel uncomfortable saying “lesbian”. Well maybe I always knew that I wasn’t really a lesbian. The words I love now are queer, non-binary, and gay. And using/hearig them doensn’t make me anxious or uncomfortable. I just started smiling typing them. I am happy with these words, maybe just for now, maybe forever.

TL;DR My internalized homophobia and transphobia and lack of understanding of myself and my sexuality turned me into a depressed asshole, and I hope to attone for these sins by being the queer person I am without feeling guilty.

#kats thoughts #tw: gender dysphoria depression bullying homophobia #please don't reblog

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werevulvi · 5 years

Text

Splitting and merging

I've done a lot of inner work to figure myself out, in my detransition and prior to it. I randomly started reflecting over it again, and this is the (really comprehensive) result. When I look at my gender expression as a spectrum from the most masculine I presented as in my trans man days, to the most feminine I presented as in my pre-transition and early detransition days, I feel that both of those extremes are uncomfortable for me. I've lived most of my life through differently gendered personas. It's been three of them: Kazanndra - was the name I created at age 12 for a self image I wanted to become. She's a hyper-feminine version of myself. We're talking long hair, shaven body, no facial hair, big boobs, narrow waist, big butt, heavy makeup, short skirts, tight tops, high heels, painted nails, etc. Personality wise she's melancholic, submissive, self-harming, and hyper-sexual in a way she tries to take back control by never saying no to any man and being very submissive. She is, in fact, a slave to her own pain and a pawn of patriarchy. For many times in my past, I felt like she was the only kind of woman I could possibly want to be, and if I couldn't be her, I'd rather be a man. Everyone kept telling me I shouldn't be like her, which was one of the things that drove me to transition. She is the mental image and tragic manifestation of my internalised misogyny. She's a trauma queen. John - was the name I went by as a trans guy, and thus he was the persona I tried to become in my transition. He's not so different from Kazanndra in his personality, but copes with the same issues through a lens of false masculinity instead. As he's also hyper-sexual in a very similar manner, he's submissive with men in a way to try to erase his femaleness by fucking away the pain. He is more so a manifestation of my internalised lesbophobia, a combination of the misogyny and homophobia I turned towards myself. He attempts to always be the polar opposite of what I actually am, he's the brick wall to my vulnerability, the anger to my fear, and he's the "masc gay man" to the femme lesbian I really am.

These were not actual alters, but rather like roles that I acted out, or different masks that I put on, taken to an extreme. I was never diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, but I highly suspect I had OSDD, cause of my actual alter. I knew I did not meet enough criteria of DID to be diagnosed with it. Just to clarify. Both of those two personas are my most extreme states. I lived through them at different times of my life thinking they were the real me at those times, but they always pushed each other away which created a huge inner conflict. When I first figured I might be transgender at age 15, I was terrified of transitioning and flipped over into playing out and almost becoming Kazanndra, as a response to my fears about transition and my past traumas, until I was 19. During those 4 years, I lived most of my life through the Kazanndra lens, but on rare occasion John peaked through and that messed with me. I used to refer to those 4 years as my "trans denial" period. At age 19 after more abuse I flipped the switch and instead lived through John believing I was him and that Kazanndra had just been a persona and a coping mechanism, which she was, but she was also me. While seeing myself as a trans man and living through my John persona, Kazanndra would pop up on occasion just like it had been before, but in reverse. That too, messed with me. Anna - was my only actual alter, and I didn't live through her but rather side by side with her, as if we were two people sharing one body. She was very different from both Kazanndra and John, she was feminine but not to an extreme and much more natural in her expression. She was happy to be female, but also very dominant and assertive in a way I could described as "masculine" and her trauma showed through a complete lack of sexual interest, bullying and violent tendencies.

I'm no longer split into those three parts, but have become somewhat of a mix between them. But I also have aspects that neither of them had, the aspects they all existed to eliminate: my vulnerability and my lesbianism. Both John and Kazanndra drove me head first into seeking out men sexually, in very self-destructive ways, while Anna attempted to stop me with a trauma-induced asexuality, but neither expressed even the slightest hint of attraction to women or any actual attraction at all. They covered it up, and quite effectively, but my genuine self did shine through every once in a while, as a form of forbidden longing for the warmth of my actual attraction to women. And by the end of the time that I had with Anna as a separate entity alongside me, I for the first time ever noticed she was not against me dating the person I was into: my current girlfriend. She was only ever against me being with men, and now I know, she was trying to protect me.

Now I'm no longer split, but I'm only beginning to realise what kinds of effects that has had on me. Basically, John merged with Kazanndra by the end of last year when I started having a beard as a woman, my lesbianism emerged from my depths, and together they became Laura. And by spring this year Laura merged with Anna, when I started incorporating her style into my own, found more strength in my vulnerability, and I yet again became Sara. Laura was a sort of transition in itself. She was definitely on the right track, my first agonising steps to accepting my femaleness and coming to terms with my transition and my sexuality. She was not a persona, but also not the full me. She was a gateway, or a path, that I much needed to travel through. I was healing through her, but she was not my end goal. Sara is more than just my birth name; it is the name of my whole child self before I split. And I think that's why I've been starting to feel connected to that name again since around spring this year, which was when I fully merged. Perhaps the reasons I could not connect to it before was related to how split up I was as a person. But now, as a whole person again, I realise that all of my personas and alters smacked into one coherent personality, is me, Sara. So to be Sara is my ultimate goal, but that too is a work in progress.

I do not remember much of the child that I was, before the age of 9 when my traumatised mind split into two halves: me and Anna, and then continued to fragment into personas as I grew up. She's too young for me to fully reach within myself. Although I do keep trying, cause I think reaching her is an important puzzle piece in my further healing.

How Anna is connected to why I transitioned is, I think, more indirect than anything. She was never male-identified. In fact she was closer to the genuine me than ever I was myself even (which is a scary thought, but true), and she was the aspect of me that was the most connected to my femaleness and very defensive of it. However, her existence was a direct response to my traumas, and my transitioning was another direct response to my traumas. So they're indirectly connected cause they stem from the same source. They were two different escape mechanisms that clashed. Anna was against me transitioning. She felt it as a direct violation of her autonomy and as me destroying her (our/my) body. It was a huge conflict which even led to her raping me, one desperate night back in early 2011 when I had been self-medicating with testosterone for some 6 or 7 months. My transition created a huge inner conflict within myself, to say the least. I didn't take Anna's existence into account that she was still somehow... me. I wanted to erase her, not merge with her.

Since my detransition now, I can no longer think of myself as "non-binary" but I'm rather just trying to find a healthy balance between my extreme masculinity (John) and my extreme femininity (Kazanndra), to have them co-exist peacefully instead of fighting and switching back and forth, while also taking what once was Anna into account. I've discovered that for me I best express that healthy balance as a bearded, deep-voiced, hairy woman with an affinity for red lipstick, dresses and long hair (yeah I'm saving that fucker out again). It's me being assertive, strong-willed, logical, a realist and not afraid to take space; while also being emotional, dreamy, vulnerable, nurturing and creative. It's me combining dominance with submission in a healthy and playful way that feels enriching and healing, and what it actually is, is me combining familiar comfort with going outside of my comfort zone and finding healthy ways to express my sexuality with another woman as a woman myself. To listen to my boundaries but also dare to explore my desires. Instead of searching for gender labels anymore, I'm finding harmony in my androgyny and coming to peace with my biological female sex, and with my homosexuality. The only labels I do and will wear are woman, detrans, lesbian, femme and I may on occasion describe myself as androgynous or gnc. My healing began in early 2017 when I broke up with my ex and became friends with Anna. I swung to the most masculine extreme of my John-persona I had ever been. During that year I rejected my attraction to women completely and planned on getting SRS to rid myself of the last remaining visible aspects of my femaleness. It was my ultimate denial, a strong reaction to my tapping into my traumas and little by little sorting them out. Then in early 2018 I started vaguely connecting to my body as I began to listen to it. My mind had finally started to let go of its tight grip on my denial. Mid 2018 I swung back to my Kazanndra-persona as I detransitioned. A few months later I merged my Johh-persona and Kazanndra-persona together and discovered my true lesbian sexuality. A few months after that, I merged with Anna and felt a new, stable calm within myself and felt myself grounding more. I started missing my birth name, and eventually took it back. Alongside all that, I've been working hard on my relationship issues in the past and now believe I have the most solid, healthy relationship ever, with my girlfriend. It all started with one idea, two and a half years ago: I'm gonna start listening to myself, allow all and any kinds of thoughts and feelings to exist within me, and not push any of them away. They're not dangerous, and I know I know that. I followed that idea through, made it into a promise. Eventually it led me here, to my utter astonishment. I do not regret that, but it's been a very difficult journey that I was not prepared for at all. I believe it's all connected. Why I transitioned, my personas John and Kazanndra, my alter Anna, my internalised lesbophobia, my intrusive sexual thoughts about men, my traumas, my (birth) name, how I struggle to figure out what is my authentic self, even my style and gender expression, and so on. And detangling that massive heap of psychological wounds for the past couple of years has almost become a bit of a hobby for me by now. It's no longer terrifying, but exciting instead. It's always been rewarding, seeing my true self shine through the cracks and form into a more and more solid and clear image in my mind, slowly over time. I did most of that inner work myself and had very little help from any actual therapy; although my girlfriend has been an immense support and invaluable help in giving me advice, listening to my endless rambles, comforting me in my panic and helping me stay on the right track. For that, and much more, I am forever grateful for her. The rewards I’ve gotten have been a newfound ability to ground myself and finding peace, comfort and love coming from within myself to protect and care for me. It will always be worth it.

#detransition #healing #inner work #personas and alters #dissociation #trauma #androgyny #gender critical #lesbian #internalised lesbophobia #becoming more integrated #birth name #reflecting #dysphoria #dysphoric femme #i love my awesome girlfriend and she deserves some credit alright

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