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wordsablaze · 6 years

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Sacrifcing The Sacrifice

Possessed-Jace's comment cuts deeper than Magnus cares to admit but Alec is ready to get over himself and remind his boyfriend of their limits, limits that definitely don't approve of their current plan and require apologies to re-establish. Enjoy!

A/N: If I was a good fixer, I’d call this a fix-it, but hey, I’m just not okay with malec’s situation right now...

Alec Lightwood.

Ha.

He might as well be Alec Darkmetal.

Magnus is hurting and he knows it but he can't do anything to stop it or help because seeing Jace cry had wrung out his emotions like a wet towel, except the water is acid landing on his ever-growing guilt and he can't figure out which way his heart is pulling him and it's all just so wrong that he barely feels like himself.

He can't tolerate it for an entire two days before he gives up and stops even trying. He's knocking on Magnus' door before his mind can truly process his decision and the door is opening before he's ready.

"Alexander," Magnus states, looking him over as if looking for a problem he can fix.

And, at that moment, Alec has never hated himself more. It's not that he's self-conscious or insecure, it's just that he despises the way Magnus automatically thinks he needs something every time they meet as if that's the only reason they should interact anymore. He wants to be angry at Magnus but he can't because he knows it's his own fault, he knows it's because he never gives Magnus enough credit, he knows it's because he always takes Magnus for granted when he should be doing the exact opposite.

"Magnus, I need to say something."

"I'm not going to stop you."

"No, Magnus, it's not about me... Or Jace... Or anyone else," Alec says, "It's- It's about you, about us."

Magnus blinks and Alec can't blame him for being sceptical. By the angel, he hadn't even looked at Clary after finding out she might be Valentine's daughter in case she'd somehow betrayed them, he can't imagine how wounded Magnus is feeling after finding out once again that Alec might choose Jace over him in a heartbeat despite everything they've been through.

But then Magnus is letting him in and Alec is being led to the study where there's no evidence of the power Magnus possesses or the late nights they've spent together. It hurts him to see the place devoid of their love but he tries to keep his resolve because he figures it must hurt Magnus more than it can ever hurt him.

"I'm sorry," Alec whispers, "Magnus, I haven't- you know I haven't had much experience and I've always just assumed you're capable of, I don't know, reading my mind, but now I know I've been wrong."

"Wrong?" Magnus echoes.

Alec nods, clenching his jaw as he decides to stop delaying what he really means to say. "I'm so sorry for what Jace said."

Magnus has a look in his eyes that Alec doesn't even remotely recognise when he says, "It's okay, I know how powerful and important the parabatai bond is to you."

As soon as the words have left his lips, Alec is shaking his head, understanding where Magnus is coming from, and he feels like an incompetent child again. Of course, Magnus would think that he holds his parabatai bond in the highest regard, he's immortal and he's seen more Shadowhunters than Alec can imagine. Alec isn't those other Shadowhunters though, because Alec is irrevocably in love with Magnus, and he can't let Magnus go on thinking that he's just another parabatai bond.

"No." Alec breathes for a second before looking at Magnus directly. "No. Magnus, Jace is my parabatai but he's not the centre of my world. Not anymore."

"Alexander, it's okay-"

"No. It's not, Magnus. I would lay down my life for Jace but, before I met you, there was nobody I'd try to live my life for-" he takes a shaky breath to try and find confidence- "you're different, you're... You're not bound to me with runes but the bond I feel with you, it's stronger than anything I've ever known."

He moves back as Magnus steps forwards, not because he's running away from their love but because Magnus' touch sends his brain haywire and he needs to say this, he has to say this.

"Jace was wrong," Alec continues, "he was wrong about everything. I... I wouldn't have chosen him. Magnus, I would have chosen you, I will always choose you."

There's a fire in Magnus' eyes that Alec wishes he could see more often, that Alec knows he'd been the one to douse, that he wants to keep burning forever because it's utterly pulchritudinous.

"Jace wasn't the one who offered me drinks more complex than our security systems and he's never been the one to make my days seem too long when I'm away from him. Magnus, I- I love you. And I'm sorry for being such an ass to you instead of just letting you know that I can't stand the thought of not being with you."

Magnus blinks and the blink lasts forever. He opens his eyes and Alec is nervous, more nervous than when he'd been waiting to get his first tune. There's nothing to be scared of, though, since Magnus simple smiles and says, "Thank you, Alexander."

Alec breathes because Magnus doesn't hate him and he's never been so relieved but he still hates himself for the way Magnus is feeling so he shakes his head, not ready to leave it at that.

"I need you to promise me something."

"Of course," Magnus replies in an instant but this only makes Alec feel so much worse.

"You have to promise me because you truly believe it, not just because I'm the one asking you."

If Magnus is shocked, he hides it well. Taking his silence as an agreement, Alec nods. "Promise me that you'll never forget you're irreplaceable."

Magnus opens his mouth to argue but Alec moves forward and places a finger on his lips. "You aren't replaceable, Magnus. You're the love of my life and I can't bear the thought of you dying for me, thinking that your sacrifice is something I would appreciate."

"I thought you wanted to save Jace?" Magnus asks quietly, too quietly.

"No! I mean, yes, but not if you're the collateral damage. I can't lose you, Magnus, and I'm sorry I haven't made it clear. I love you and losing you would tear me apart. Please, please promise me you won't throw yourself into danger. Promise me, Magnus?"

Magnus is embracing Alec before he can start to notice any movement and then they're close enough to hear each other's breathing, to feel each other's love, to forget who they are when they're not together.

"Are you sure?" Magnus questions and Alec knows exactly what he's asking because Magnus is never one to ask anything unless it's vital.

"There's nothing in this world worth losing you over," Alec murmurs.

"I knew you were my favourite Shadowhunter for a reason." Magnus' tiny attempt at humour is all Alec's heart needs to stop panicking so he pulls back enough to kiss Magnus' forehead and let their noses brush as they lean on one another.

"I'm sorry for being a jerk."

"It's alright, Alexander, I forgive you," Magnus says easily, the forgiveness slipping from his lips like Simon trying to tightrope across Niagra Falls. He loves Magnus for it, he truly does, and yet, he can't accept it because he can't be sure Magnus isn't hiding his true emotions like he has so many times before even though Alec isn't worthy of such kindness.

"Maybe you shouldn't," Alec argues as the two of them separate, "and maybe I deserve to be unforgiven."

He believes himself, too, until Magnus gently rubs circles into his palms and shakes his head. "You've never said anything so stupid."

Alec laughs. It's small and dry but it's a laugh and he loves Magnus for it so he pulls the warlock close once more, letting their personal bubbles fuse until they're one, floating high into a sky made from apologies and forgiveness.

"This calls for a change of plans," Alec announces eventually, grinning at Magnus with what he knows is a ridiculously lovestruck expression. But looking ridiculous is nowhere near his top priority because the thought of sacrificing the warlock embodiment of perfection won't let his heart rest. He wishes Magnus didn't look down on himself but he knows nobody is perfect and he's ready to make the effort of reminding his boyfriend how worthy he is, how precious he is, and how non-contingent he is to Alec.

"We'll figure this out, don't you worry," Magnus assures him despite both their eyes being closed.

He'd be lying if he said he didn't grin like an absolute clown upon hearing the soft determination in Magnus' beautiful voice. He wouldn't, however, be lying if he said he'd never been happier to put Jace back into danger. He still cares for Jace but there are some sacrifices he can't live with making, Magnus being one of them.

"I love you," he breathes as if saying it over and over can finally persuade Magnus to accept his importance. He wishes he could do something more solid, something more meaningful to show his love, but he can't change who he is and this is the best he can do.

He only realises his heart had been waiting like stretched elastic when Magnus replies: "I know."

Alec might have wood in his name but his love for Magnus is far from that, stronger than any metal to exist, and he'd rather corrode or wither away before he can be responsible for his perfect, magical boyfriend sacrificing himself and thinking such a thing is even remotely tolerable, because it's really not and it never will be, no matter what's at stake, not as long as he has anything to say about it...

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