#i should probably tag them like that shouldnt i

[itsdefinitely]

Can you please draw some Murder Paulkins (Paul 23 and Emdroid)

normal couple activities

#emma matthews #paul perkins #droid23 #hatchetfield #id in alt text #definitely art #yeah paul 23 said he hated musicals but that was when he was still pretending to be paul matthews. you have to see the vision #paul 23 gets really good at repairing emdroid and hums while he works #i should probably tag them like that shouldnt i #paul 23 #emdroid #tw blood #oh im having Thoughts (<- clone headcanons)

[walnutcookie]

ok watch this. lol (i blocked them)

#dude you did NOT need to put that in my tags #put that on your own blog you dont need to bitch about it on my drawing #do you see what i put on the banner #the ''you are not obligated to interact at all'' #you dont NEED to like the post you can just scroll #im just asking people to reblog it if they are going to like it because the ratios Upset Me #(i shouldnt need to explain why theres like a million posts explaining why you should reblog artists work) #if you dont want to do something as simple as scroll then you dont need to see my art lol #sorry for bitching about this im probably no better than them at this point i just. come ON im asking something very simple Just scroll.

[devilfruitdyke]

on my soapbox again but. not every opinion should be an identity because then every dislike turns into oppression

#hi weirdgirlfag if you see this we're going through it #anyway i was in the t.ransid tag because someone asked them about it and hm .. #rapid fire take time #if you identify with wanting to have trauma yr probably traumatized #if you identify with having ocd (for example) you probably have obsessions/compulsions but feel like you need a label for validity #if you identify with being a different race yr a weeb who should log off and realize you can actually appreciate cultures. #rather than literally being born there #if you identify with a different age you probably wish you were less constrained by weird ideas of maturity #and most importantly. you need to consider yrself as religious/spiritual for believing in past lives and dimension shifting #those are metaphysical beliefs and you shouldnt be swayed into believing some cult tiktoker while able to maintain yr atheist identity #..when you look in the mirror. #theres not even anything bad about having those as spiritual beliefs i just dont want people with preexisting beliefs on religion #to be talked into increasingly more controlling shit #ps. t.rans-opinion doesnt have to be a thing because opinions are different than rigid social constructs. you can just lie.

[sugarsugarmp3]

i turn 21 on monday and i just know im not going to enjoy this weekend at all...

#BIG vent in tags #the last two months have been honestly some of the worst of my life i am always always thinking about this rly shitty thing happened #and now i have to go home for my birthday weekend which i know i should be happy about and it is a good thing #but i just really dont want to go and i feel like a bad person for feeling that way #im doing better than someone i know and i need to go home and be there for them #i wanted to be in my apartment and relax with my friends #ive had 4 midterms this week and i am just exhausted with everything #and its not like it being my brithday will make my weekend bc thats literally impossible #and i feel so shitty about feeling this way bc im not the one who needs help right now and my bday shouldnt even be a priority in my family #bc we have bigger problems rn #but i still wish it was better. plus today sucked #i just am always awkward with people and i wish i was better at social stuff and ive felt rly lonely bc i only hve a few good friends #and trying to make friends is so impossible bc it seems like i keep doing the wrong thing and not being able to vibe with people #rn im just thankful for labs bc having constant lab partners are the only social interactions i get in almost all my classes #this girls would sit next to me in genetics and we would talk but i hvent seen them in a few weeks and i dont know their names #and im not great with faces so i cant even go up to them if i see them and i wouldnt even know what to say if i did #i see the same people in my classes but im sure they think im weird bc ive never talked with them but i always accidentally make eye contac #and one girl in 4/5 of my classes i sometimes talk with but i dont even know if she likes me and i acciendetnally made eye contact with her #while waiting for a lecture to start but then made no attemot to talk to her bc i thought itd be awkward and she probably thought i was #ignoring her #its just this week. its been so so shitty i dont know how to change thus

[cinnabeat]

u know what actually fucked me up as a child was reading the chicken soup for the soul books

#i remember reading one and like sobbing my heart out the entire time #and it would take me AGES to feel well enough to go read another book #my elementary school library had so many of them #like i would pass by the shelf and actually get anxiety at the thought of reading another one #i think i even told myself once like no just bc theyre really sad doesnt mean i shouldnt read them bc theyre good and probably helpful #half the reason why i probably give good advice now #and also probably why i cant handle emotional heavy stuff anymore #i should read one again #oooh no i should recommend them to my friend she was looking for books to cry #michi tag #ngl i think the titles and the covers are super misleading bc i thought it was a self help book which it kind of is #but it made me think it was like feel good stories and it kind of is again but it in no way prepared ne for the emotional devastating ones #sometimes i think of railroad tracks a little too hard and get unreasonably upset and i dont remember what the story was about but i no it w #was sad as hell

[voidcoretxt]

shaking crying throwing up projectile vomiting i just wish i was in a place in life where i can start streaming or at least doing youtube stuff...

#DO NOT OPEN THESE TAGS THEY GOT SO LONG AND IM NOT EVEN FUNNY IN THEM JUST MENTALLY ILL... #going to like. basically boarding school #idk how those work but like during the week ill be in dormitories and ill only be back for the weekends #and ugh dorms r no place to do that stuff and currently home isnt either so 🙃 #13th of september... The End Of All That Garbage starts then and theres no way therye gonna b fighting in court for more than a month #so like. #might come out in october mayyybe ? #then i could go try to get hrt but Laws Exist and i can only start at around the end of april :I #and i probably shouldnt do that then bc i do not want to make myself A Target by being openly transgender #but also back to streaming if i am perceived as a woman ill cry and kill myself ( only half joking ) #so like. ig my last year of hs would b a good time to start and ill be 18 by then so i wont even have to tell my parents #and 4th grade ppl have more important shit to worry abt than some tranny so ! thats the earlier possible date for me. fucking hell #and omg even if i didnt have All The Issues ( transgenderism ) i still could start streaming when i have my own place so like. at 17 at best #since we should be done with selling our old apartment in warsaw by then and mums chill with me being by myself for a bit when im older #like before its legal for me to live alone #i just. fucking hate waiting i wish i was 30 and none of this shit would matter #UGH. and it would be nice to have some sort of following in uni or id have to drop streaming #since id still have to Work to Make Money as well as Study and i cant have too busy of a schedule #so it would only be worth it as a job and not a hobby #and no matter what id rather not drop out i really want to do architecture and a degree Will Be Helpful #why the fuck am i worrying abt so much this isnt even a quarter of it all and i already have filled myself with stress. my shoulders hurt #a lot of things hurt actually i should stop sitting on my legs or theyll hurt #ugh and its so humid in my room but thats bc its humid outside #and i cant close the window bc my room gets sorta stinky bc of my lizards terrarium #jeez and i have to deal with that too since hes badly placed adn doesnt get enough privacy which makes him stressed #which in turn makes ME stressed #ANYWAY uh. i should speak abt all that stuff with a therapist and not in my tumblr tags i think #voidcore.txt #ethan cringe compilation

[possumsarecool]

..

#romy yelling #vent #i feel bad and want to talk about it but dont have anyone to talk to about it #and i prolly shouldnt post about it publicly #truth is that the person i Should talk to hasnt texted me back in a week #and im worried they. dont like me very much.. #but im too much of a chicken to fucking ask them if they think im annoying #cuz i dont want to stop talking to them #fuck ive written this post and tags three times to get out the personal details #and theyre back #I'll probably be fine in a couple days #it just sucks rn #i shouldn't post this but if i dont ill just write this post again and again and again #fuck i keep adding tags im stopping #to the notes app w this fucking problem #ps thanks to my followers for either bearing with me or skipping over these posts

[cheesit-notes]

Simon Riley + Hand Kisses

tags: kissing obviously, ptsd for simon basically, gn!reader, overthinking simon, simon getting violent at one point, a/n: sorry i was gone for a week! i want to say i worked on stuff but ive been busy with things and this was the only thing i did. im not all that happy with the time to result ratio of this tbh but i love the idea of Simonand hand kisses so enjoy!

Ghost who cannot stand any and all kinds of intimate touches. he doesn’t like intimate touches. no, actually, he loathes those touches. it reminds him of a time he’d really rather forget. there’s no way to really kiss him without having to slowly practice. underneath the mask, he’s nothing more than the emotionally scarred, vulnerable Simon Riley who went through far too much for any human.

the first time both of you technically kissed, you had asked if you could kiss him, he said yes because you looked like you wanted it so badly. the two of you stood awkwardly in his barracks. he’s wondering if he should’ve changed clothes earlier, he just got back and was still in his uniform, probably smelled fowl, but you didn’t say a word. ah, he thought he could handle it. he really did. but to kiss was a lot easier said than done. and he’ll never fully forgive himself for shoving you away slamming you against the wall, and he was choking you. he didn’t actually hit you, you tell him that everyday, but the fact he fully intended to hit you for the moment scared him. plagued with the thought that he truly was no different from his father; he could barely look at you for the weeks following that, much less talk to you. no, he refused to do so much as to stand near you; petrified he wouldn’t snap out of it in time, terrified he’d hurt you.

months later, he asked if it’s alright to try again. the kissing thing, you know? it was months after the previous attempt, you and Simon had already reconciled, as much as possible anyways, so the question left you a little confused. you were happy to, but only if he was really ready. and he said he was, he swore it. although.. looking at you, thinking back about the previous attempt, made him anxious. but he already said he would. so he should? he should stick to his words, right? youd probably think hes a coward. god, a man shouldnt be a coward. and he cant be a coward. and all these thoughts ran through his mind. he doesnt realize he’s zoned out and that you’re staring at him with a concerned look on your face. its not until you decide to speak does he snap back.

“are you sure you want to do this?”

he’s not even sure what to respond. what did he want?  he’s only really thought about what you wanted. it’s not like his wants really mattered in his eyes.

“you know, we don’t have to do this. we can still have a perfectly fine relationship without–”

“no! absolutely, no, we.. we have to kiss.”

he insisted, almost yelling like he’s afraid he wouldn’t be heard. and that you’d leave him because you’d think he couldn’t kiss you, because he couldn't give you of a normal relationship. and you deserved it. you deserved a normal relationship with someone who could give you what you wanted. and god, he wishes he were normal.

anyone could tell he was agitated. honestly, it isn’t easy for you. you could tell he wouldn’t handle it well if you kissed him directly. but if you didn’t then he’d isolate himself, thoughts spiralling like a roller coaster in his mind, and you couldn’t be sure when or where the ride ended. so, grab his hands, hold them in yours, and plant a gentle kiss on each. you hold his hands, looking into his eyes, and for what felt like hours, the two of you stayed put like that. until Simon told you to leave.

it caught you off guard, you’re a little taken back. but respecting his wishes, you leave the room. not even a minute after you leave, Simon slumps against the wall, he can’t stop the hot, burning tears from falling. maybe it was how soft your lips felt against his caloused hands or how careful you were with him, how you knew that he likely wouldn’t react well to either choice and yet you made the perfect one.

Simon Riley who sometimes holds your hand, silently hoping you’d kiss his hand again. he likes it when you give each knuckle a peck. if you bent down on one knee, you’d look like a knight kissing the princess’ hand, and Johnny would say this whenever he saw the chance. Simon Riley who still isn’t ready to kiss you directly, but he’s slowly working on it. Simon Riley who will probably learn to like different types of kisses, but right now, he's smitten over you and your hand kisses that make him feel oh so loved.

next time he holds your hand, give him a kiss, will you?

#cod mw2 #cod mw2 x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #ghost x reader #simon riley #simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley #lieutenant ghost #cod mw ghost #hand kisses #mmmm yes #cheesy likes cod?!

[yonpote]

I feel like people are conflating continuing the joke with invading their privacy… like no one is stalking them or sneaking pictures or bothering their friends and family asking about them we’re just continuing their joke that they set up within our fandom space. Which is exactly as we should be doing imo

yeah exactly. like i think when outsiders dont understand that we are in on the bit that makes some sense, but when it's PHANNIES especially phannies who joined post coming out???? it seems strange.

oh i didnt really explain why this kinda behavior is homophobic as well. (disclaimer: me calling an action homophobic is not the same as me calling an individual homophobic.) a lot of ppl use pj and sophie as a direct comparison straight couple example. pj has only directly called sophie his girlfriend once, and it was in the context reading someone's poorly written article about him lmao. otherwise, its known that they met in uni, have lived together since then, have worked on nearly every kickthepj project together, and generally their on screen energy is really sweet and funny. they also have a cat together and call themselves a family. it's not a stretch to say they're together in the slightest. in fact, it is just natural to assume so.

BUT when dnp who are now publicly out, have been very open about how much they mean to each other, have lived together since dan was in uni, have worked on nearly every project together (even in solo projects the other would help out behind the scenes), have a clear on camera chemistry together, had co-parented a fish, a pigeon, and several houseplants and possibly plan to get a dog or other pet in the future... suddenly it's wrong to assume anything.

i understand the fear that may come from having been in the phandom since when they were closeted and it was much harder to talk about it without seeming like youre aligned with stalkers or ppl who harassed their families or dnp themselves to reveal more information, but thats not the case anymore, and ESPECIALLY if you discovered them post-gay, it's such a flimsy argument to say anyone is breaching privacy in that way.

now there are still some like unspoken basic decency and boundary rules. you probably shouldnt be @'ing them in your smutfics or even your pretty innocent theories about them being super duper in gay love. dnp themselves understand that if they aren't being @ tagged in something, it's probably not meant for them to see, and even acknowledged that in the twitter memes video. but us talking about it in our own spaces, especially on tumblr where they arent on as much but also on twitter BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT THEYRE NOT MEANT TO SEE IT, is not the same as being like hey @/danielhowell @/amazingphil do you fuck nasty i gotta know if you fuck nasty. (but even if i were to do that, i feel like its very clearly a joke lmao)

so like just dont worry about it, if you still personally dont like seeing ppl talk abt this stuff regardless, you can mute and block people, you can blacklist tags, you can curate your own experience to fit your needs and you dont need to harass other people into suiting your needs.

#myrambles #sorry if it seems like im just repeating myself over and over #but like ppl shat on me when i talked abt it on twt and idk i just constantly feel the need to explain this shit #cuz i think some ppl (often younger) dont understand that ppl are just gonna post stuff you dont wanna see #and its up to you to curate your own experiences #and i dont even wanna try to argue about adult spaces vs minor spaces or whatever like i make it pretty clear that my own space is 18+ #so if ur a minor and you hate the shit i post i actively beg you to block me and leave me aloneeeee shout out to the twt stalkersssss

[sanjisblackasswife]

whats yor hot take on fanfiction? love your writing btw!

thank yeww

uhhh… hot takes is like an unpopular opinion righhhhhtttttt ?????cuz if so…i have alot🗿🗿🗿🗿

non con fics are just romanticizing rape, idk why people just wont say rape they are literally the same exact thing. it weird either way. (dub con too kinda)

writers that just do “x black readers” shouldnt have to justify why their x readers are only black.

people that complain about OTHER peoples fics publicly (im talking abt on tt those miserable mfs) when 90% of us only write as a hobby are pathetic. YOU write something then.everybody can have an opinion but to act like our drabbles should be scholarship worthy pieces are insane.

i think fics that contain tags to disrespect/blaspheme other religions are probably the worst things ever. absolutely terrible 0/10. seek Christ whats wrong w u🗿🤚🏾

i think people that try to justify alotta dark content by saying “its just fiction” i think thats a stupid ass excuse because i believe that whatever u produce is something youre just exposing you internally like yourself…so... however i do also think if yk a writer that produces dark content just BLOCK them. u cant stop anyone on the internet from posting what they want. going and sending them hate mail does nothing.

#stares right at the jjk fandom for the first one #yall really love rape/incest/dark shit w those men man #its insane #n weird #but anyway #anyways i said what i said🗿

[desudog]

i feel like a vital thing often missing from a lot of discussions of abuse and mistreatment and mental illness because many people just assume its "obvious", even though if you are mentally ill it means you will commonly see things in ways they dont present and trauma can make you read situations different is:

when someone says your feelings are valid- they are not saying your accusations must be as well.

if you say, "i feel really grossed out, my parents own a picture of me newly born. im naked in that pic, clearly its porn right? my parents own my newborn pictures for sexual reasons!"

and your therapist or a friend etc says "that sounds really stressful for you." or something, theyre not saying "yep, and they should go to jail."

the truth is, your parents probably own that picture because... its the first picture they have of you. they probably dont think anything of your nakedness, i mean, they probably changed your diaper and bathed you and dressed you so much the idea of you as a baby naked is totally nothing to them. you may have alarms go off due to your overactive trauma fear responses that may make you constantly on edge of being hurt by things that didnt happen.

trauma and mental illness can make us jump to a lot of conclusions. it can seem really practical in our heads, but can be taken from 1 to 100 really far too fast.

For example, disordered thought may produce a train of thought like this... my friend liked a post i fandom tagged we both are in the fandom for, even though they dont know this blog is mine -> my friend is sneakily interacting with me -> my friend is tracking me -> my friend is stalking me -> they know my IP -> my friend WILL dox me -> my friend is going to try to get me killed -> my friend is going to kill me...! by the end of the thought train you may be completely convinced this person you spoke to 4 times is actually genuinely going to attack you in your home. but "shares a fandom and liked a post that was fandom tagged" is very much a different statement than "going to break into my house with a gun", even if you dont see it, and if you actually start accusing that person of being a serial killer, thats not appropriate.

the fear you are feeling is stressful! its there and real, the fear shouldnt be swept away- but the delusion is not. please remember to try and ground yourself and follow it BACKWARDS, not forwards. if you assume everything only happens in bad faith, you will live in a very scary world. if you assume a parent feels aroused when viewing baby pictures and not that they are thinking, "what a stressful day that was, but you were so small and magical. what a miracle!" than you are misrepresenting a majority of people in favor of a non-conscious victimization instinct.

its really hard to break out of, but until you do... dont throw accusations at people about like, being child predators or serial killers. dont use your delusion to hurt other people. if you can find the resistance, please resist.

[v-arbellanaris]

Re: rarepair Hell. I would like to know how many pits we mutually occupy, so. Could I get a list of like, idk, your top ten (based in enjoyment level) rarepairs? And/or headcanons but I would prefer "and".

okay i'll assume you mean dragon age specifically MFDSKJFSDKJF but okay, i'll list some!!!!

the obvious ones:

fenders (fenris x anders) : i love a good narrative foil

zevistair (zevran x alistair) : idk if this counts as a rarepair but!!! their canon flirting banters always make me go sooo insane. that you can include zevran in the foursome w alistair if alistair is hardened (lol) makes me INSANE. they are basically canon aND YET!!!!!!

warden x loghain : ive written so much abt them already. you get the idea

nanders (nathaniel x anders)

the less obvious ones:

anders/merrill (bonus: anders/merrill/isabela): for all the same reasons i ship fenders (which i would argue is still relatively a popular pair, so not quite rarepair??); they're such good mirrors, they're both encapsulate what the other fears. anders being 100% okay to hurt people despite being a healer vs merrill being a blood mage who has never wanted to hurt anyone is just *chef kiss*. you can take a look at this for more compelling reasons to ship them.

fenris/merrill: for all the same reasons as above. i think if u dont ship each individual LI of the kirkwall polycule w each other, u shouldnt say u ship the kirkwall polycule.

solavelyan / soladaar / soladash / solas x non-lavellan inqs: i still think it should've been a romance option for all inqs tho i suppose they didn't really have the time to develop a non-lavellan route for them, but i love thinking about it, and i love the vibes for it so much. again, i love narrative foils, and i think it's so natural to be drawn to someone who could understand you like that.

alistair x bethany: a not-templar and a not-circle mage, in the wardens together. i think they'd really like each other and have a very interesting kind of energy!!! they've both got these secret bitter/spiteful sides to them, there's a lot of parallels (like alistair thinking warden conscription is a good thing bc it was for him and bethany having v different emotions abt being a warden in general). i've also really enjoyed most of the fics i've read for them.

nathaniel x f!cousland: UNFORTUNATELY THOUGH i dont think i've been able to find the kind of fic i want for them in the tag. i've got too many wips as it is, but maybe one day i'll write the nathaniel/f!cousland fic of my dreams...

nathaniel x anora: this one is admittedly @rosella-writes' fault, but they've got me by the THROAT as a concept

m!hawke/cullen: LIKE ESPECIALLY IF IT'S ONE-SIDED FOR CULLEN it's something that can be SO fascinating to explore (esp in an amell worldstate). [shaking cullen] babygirl what is WRONG with you!!!!!!!

m!hawke/sebastian: sebastian grappling with his admiration for hawke vs his chantry vows but THIS TIME make it mlm..... i think this is probably baby vee coming through w how hard i used to ship d/estiel in the early 00's LMAO. fsr they hit the same beats in my skull.

morrigan/leliana: noooo girlies don't fight haha <3 they should dump the warden and kiss instead <3

josephine/the iron bull: i read a few fics for them that admittedly captured my interest. i think their dynamic is something that could really be interesting to delve into for so many reasons. i've read the evidence and i find it compelling enough to put on this list

#asks #i did not do headcanons but hopefully my lil blurbs make sense for why i ship them #this is not an exhaustive list this is just what i can think of/remember right now #BASICALLY. i'll ship anything if i find it compelling enough tbh

[mossymultiverse]

mossy log #15

yall would not BELIEVE the month(s) ive had. ....ok actually yeah you probably would,

k so. broke a bone for the first time. that was fun. ....is it weird that that's only mostly sarcastic? ....anyway, im not gonna tell yall a whole bunch about what happened because i Do Not Feel Like It (sorry, maybe if u ask me more i'll elaborate? but rn its just a bunch of scribbles that i dont feel like untangling), but uhh. basically ther was a landslide, and i broke a leg, and got a whole buncha other more minor injuries, and the hospital staff were absolutely lovely and i do feel kinda bad for scaring them so much. but also. it was mostly not my fault. ....it also wasnt their faults, it was just unfortunate circumstances.

anyway! so, because of that, i learned how to use crutches, and learned a lot more about hospitals and the like. i prolly shoulda kept yall up to date WHILE i was recovering, but, uh, in my defense, i forgor. mainly because i was a bit busy with.... well, recovering. and trying to trick my brain into Not trying to get me tf outta there.

i also miiiighta gone into a bit of a Trance, probably to heal? gave the staff a right ol scare with that, whoops. shoutout to my brain for. basically everything, actually.

so anyway, now that i have fully recovered, remembered that this blog exists now, and also made sure to properly connect it (it should be fine, but yknow, if anythin weird happens just assume it's me trying to fix some timeline bs. nonlinearity can be wonderful! it can also suck So bad.), uhhhh im goin back to (hopefully) travelling more! small, quick hops, probably not gonna stay in any one place too long. ive been a bit stir crazy. ....huh, i remember that story. that was fucked up. ....yknow, i havent been there in a while. maybe.... well, who knows! right now im chillin with my bois, zuko was delighted to see me again, and it turns out tee is Very good at turning up places he shouldnt, so that's exciting. that being said, i dont plan on staying here more than a week, and then it's off to another place! and then another and another! and so on!

now, let's see if i remember any of my tags.... /lh

#mossy log #unreality #[ ooc divider ] #unreality // #teehee. oops. #listen i love this blog im just also really silly. #luckily i do actually have an ic excuse! so. here ya go!

[valacirya]

i saw your comparison of the jedi and the valar and i just wanna say you are 100% right on that one. ive been screaming that shit to the void because there are those loud fuckers who kept insisting that the valars are tyrants and i was like where? *Adjusts my big glassses* fucking hell where? i mean you do you but like to say the valars are tyrannical or stupid is fucking funny, because they're more like confused and had misunderstood the eldar which makes sense becuase they're different, they're gods or whatever. if anyone should be called a tyrant it should only be melkor and sauron, yet they get leeway because they're more popular. ive seen more takes and post give justice to melkor and sauron yet that energy was never there for manwe because apparently he was more tyrannical than melkor? fucking melkor? sorry i probably shouldnt be this pissed but i just saw something that had me reeling like y'all are you serious.

We need a Valar defense tag like the Star Wars fandom has a Jedi defense one! Look, everyone's entitled to have and share their own opinions but I'm as frustrated as you are because the anti-Valar stuff is pretty much all I ever see. And a lot of it treats the text as if it portrays the Valar as perfect when that is very much not the case. They make big mistakes and the text acknowledges that; Eru himself criticizes the Valar. But I don't know how you can read the Silmarillion and HoME and conclude that the Valar were malicious tyrants. Besides, isn't it more interesting to think about the consequences and implications of well-meaning and loving but incredibly overpowered demigods living among mortals (yes, elves are mortal compared to the Ainur)? Dismissing them as "oppressors" is just so boring. And I don't like to judge but I can't help it, because of some of the meta/fics I've read had Manwe and Namo sounding like Judge Frollo. Also, obligatory fic rec: go read Better a Holy Discord by clothonono on Ao3 if you haven't already. It is brilliant.

#valar

[trekkele]

You mentioned in one of your tags that you'd like to write a fic where the batkids find out Alfred wasn't so awesome a parent to Bruce and I wanted to ask if you'd like to share some ideas and directions where you could imagine it going?

Would it change the way the kids think and act around Alfred? Or Bruce? And what are some Major Mistakes Alfred made that in retrospect make a lot of sense regarding Bruce's parenting? And what sent the boulder of realisation going in the first place?

I know it sounds like I'm asking for spoilers or the actual, complete plotline which you probably haven't thought out yet, but I'm just curious about various versions of situations and realisations you think could happen. Or things that you'd like to work into your fic but it just wouldn't fit.

Basically, I love your writing and I love this kind of DramaTM within the Batfam and I'd cherish any crumb of information you would like to share.

Thank you and have a wonderful day! <3

Ok so this premise does rely on good dad Bruce, not because shitty parents cant come from shitty parents (they do, usually) but because i think seeing Bruce not do the things Alfred does would be how the kids (specifically Dick) realize what kind of parent Alfred is.

And this is really a reaction to the “Alfred is a saint for putting up with Bruce” fandom attitude because if you, as a parent or a guardian, are incapable of parenting a kid, no matter how difficult that kid is, it is your responsibility to either find a way to become what your kid needs or find someone who can. I know a lot of us had shitty parents but a traumatized nine year old shouldnt be “put up with” or “handled” they should be parented. At the very least they should be loved, and they should know they are loved. (Gets off parenting soapbox, climbs onto fandom soapbox)

Also every time i think about this fic i start thinking “maybe Alfred deserves some more grace” because he was put in a pretty impossible situation immediately after losing two people he deeply respected, if not loved, and lets be reasonable the 80-90s were uh, not an ideal time for difficult parenting, and the therapy available for children back then would have probably made things worse if not outright given Bruce ptsd (if he didnt already have that), so theres that. On the other hand, Alfred is also fairly consistently shown as being deeply unkind about idiosyncrasies, and unwilling to admit when he’s wrong.

And theres only so many times you can call your adult child an idiot, and imply that you believe every one of their choices to be invalid or wrong, before it turns out that you are Part of The Problem, or at the very least, A Bitch.

Anyways.

The thing is, i dont think it would change much. I think they might stop taking Alfreds word as gospel, especially in regards to Bruce, and i think they might be more forgiving towards Bruce when he messes up in the long term, but the truth is that whats it going to change? How do you apologize to someone for that? What are you apologizing for?

Because ultimately i dont think Bruce is ready to admit that Alfred is, or was, wrong. Bruce knows he was a bad kid, a difficult kid. His teachers and his family and the newspapers, and even Alfred, have admitted that Bruce was a hard kid to raise. Probably harder to love. He’s never surprised when people leave him, after all.

He does know his own kids don’t deserve that style of parenting though. But thats because they’re better than him. He has to do better because they deserve better, because he chose to be there for them. Alfred never really got that choice, did he? Bruce’s parents trusted Alfred, and Alfred stayed out of his respect for them. Not the bratty kid who cried for a year and refused to speak and would hide under the bed instead of sleep.

And thats another thing - if Bruce admits that Alfred wasnt a good parent, if he admits that Alfred made some terrible mistakes, does that mean he’s betraying the trust his parents placed in him? Is he casting blame onto two people he can only idolize, because to do otherwise is to admit he doesn’t remember much of them anymore?

As for how the kids find out, i think Dick realized in his own. I think Jason realizes because Dick stops him from walking in and interrupting a conversation between the two and before he can ask whats going on he hears Alfred slap Bruce. Im not sure about the rest.

*i started answering this, got distracted, finished writing it in my head, and then forgot i never answered it in reality. But i think thats most of what i wanted to say.

#asks #but feel free to ask me something specific #i think hitting your adult child is a Big Deal #i think hittinh your child child is a Big Deal #but the batkids wouldbt be around to see it #and to answer this before it comes up #no i dont think alfred hit bruce. i think the slapping is a. like once a year thing #but it does display a level of comfort with that behavior that Jason would recognize #also once is too much lbr #i love alfred i do but WOW fandom refuses to engage with any of his more complicated behaviors #that man did a decent job with bruce but he absolutely fucked up in some way #cw abuse mention

[party-gilmore]

Check ALL The Warnings In The Tags If You’re Ducking Below The Read More.

DISCLAIMER: This is a post about me specifically and my broken fucking brain. I am not trying to make any sweeping statements about colonizer guilt or “activism burn-out,” of which others have made EXCELLENT points and i am not trying to draw away from those conversations at all. This is specifically about how my panic disorder and suicidal ideation are making it difficult for me to safely manage my level of involvement and interaction online, at the expense of the ability to actually put in the work for change out in the real world.

OKAY.

Last post on mobile. Tumblr is officially deleted from my phone. we are on Set Amount Of Time A Day - PC/Desktop only for a while.

To be very clear the point of this is not looking for sympathy or trying to be guilt trippy, just trying to get a hold of where my head’s at and let y’all know I’m not gonna be around so much but that I’m okay. Or least, this is me TRYING to be okay.

i CANNOT let the doom-scrolling keep affecting my ability to actually do anything that might actually help. The way i’ve been interacting on this site, trying to Stay Informed but blurring that line and crossing into constantly seeking more and more details that i NEED to admit i can’t handle, whether it’s the level of detail or the constantness of it or both…

the paralysis and anxiety and panic and - there’s an actual word for when you keep vividly imagining the absolute worst possible outcome but i can’t remember what it is, probably something else starting with “doom” - anyways the point is i clearly don’t have the ability right now to:

a) have any kind of ready access to The Horrors without making it… LITERALLY constant in my life. i don’t have the control to take it in measured doses, i need to recognize that if i have any kind of access all the time it WILL be a 100% deep dive nothing but the fucking trauma and abominations being inflicted on others in detail from the moment i get up until i finally clear my head enough to sleep for a few hours. which yeah i KNOW Palestinians in Gaza don’t GET that luxury it IS 24/7 all the time for them and I wouldn’t be complaint about that at ALL honestly if it weren’t for the fact that right now CLEARLY i do not have the fucking ability to

b) stop that from paralyzing me from any Real Action. It just locks me up. It SHOULDNT i should be able to compartmentalize that shit because physically for now i am fine my family is fine but instead i just fucking sit there , blankly staring as I scroll through atrocity after atrocity after atrocity that powerful governments are supporting, feeling like i cant do shit cuz it’s just getting worse and worse, then guilty that i feel like giving up, then GUILTY that i feel guilty because who am i trying to guiltrip here who CARES if I feel guilty when i’m not in the same situation they are they have it so much worse and they keep on going what would YOU do in that situation huh if you can’t even handle THIS - then that kicks of the vivid imaginings of me and my family experiencing that kind of slow death and dismemberment and being crushed by rubble then of course because we’re in america close to dc my brain jumps to nukes and how we’re in the zone JUST far away enough from DC for it not to kill us outright it would be slow and horrifying and painful and could i bring myself to at least get in the car and make it up to them so we could at least die together or would it be alone and afraid like all these people around the world are going through, that Palestine is going through, that my government is putting them through -

anyways it’s that spiral that keeps me sitting and scrolling and sitting and scrolling and wallowing in - what i genuinely thought was me just being a shitty fucking person but i realize now was actually genuinely - an anxiety attack (that’s the one that’s slow and creeping, right? panic is the fast sharp one) like an actual physically can’t shake myself out of “i forgot my brain was fucking broken, the adhd meds aren’t gonna magically fix everything” anxiety attack. Every goddamn day.

And let me be very clear again about my point here my point is not to try and guilt trip or garner sympathy my POINT is -

I cant do the kind of shit that actually helps anyone, in real fucking life, if I keep sending my brain into lockdown panic “All Is Lost, You Suck, Just Fucking Die” mode.

I want to be better, do better, be stronger, not have to look away at all. But I can’t trust myself not to fucking…. wallow in the goddamn despair of it all right now. So I need to take that option away.

Because who’s it really for, honestly? All the sharing and the posting? There’s a limit to what actually helps. The people following me have already made up their minds, one way or another. Sharing more of the same old shit isn’t going to actually CHANGE anything. Once youre through the new information of the day, the shit people actually need to know that they might not already… it feels like it’s just fucking… performative bullshit. like it’s all about making sure people SEE you still sharing all of this stuff. Oh look i’m still involved see how involved i am see how i’m still reading and sharing and posting all this stuff arent I a Good Activist?

What does any of that matter if it’s breaking my brain so much I can’t actually do any activism???

I would rather be considered weak and selfish by strangers on the fucking internet who don’t see me sharing as many posts as they think I should, but who ACTUALLY KEEPS WRITING the emails and MAKING the calls and SEEKING OUT events and disruptions and protests that maybe i can actually PARTICIPATE in

Than to keep showing off how i’m not “Looking Away” online but then spend every night sitting on my couch doing Fuck All about it, locked in a perpetual doom scroll through my For You page, imagining my flesh slowly burning and melting off as I hoist my whimpering dying dog’s body into the back of my car and desperately try to reach my parent’s house in time to say good bye and all go together, then shoving all that down into a flimsy box at the last minute to be able to smile at my mom and act like I just swung by to help with the floors instead of absolutely needing to see her and my father alive right now and touch them and fucking hate myself for indulging in that when Palestinians can’t so much that i force myself into an even deeper doom scroll next time as penance because how dare i look away for a MOMENT i can see them i can live i NEED to MAKE myself look at what’s happening-… rinse and repeat.

#thoughts of death #some suicidal ideation #mostly the worst bit is the last paragraph i might’ve gotten a little carried away with explaning my most common imagined death scenario #via Nuke #uuhhhh what else description of a hopelessness spiral #that i’m TRYING to fight it’s not going great but i’m TRYING #i think that’s about it. i swear despite these tags it’s a HOPEFUL post. it’s just i gotta be more realistic about how utterly FUCKED my #ability to stay sane about all this is in order to actually TAKE the steps i need to take to do something USEFUL about it #OH and brief but descriptive mention of dog death for those particularly sensitive to it