#via Nuke

[party-gilmore]

Check ALL The Warnings In The Tags If You’re Ducking Below The Read More.

DISCLAIMER: This is a post about me specifically and my broken fucking brain. I am not trying to make any sweeping statements about colonizer guilt or “activism burn-out,” of which others have made EXCELLENT points and i am not trying to draw away from those conversations at all. This is specifically about how my panic disorder and suicidal ideation are making it difficult for me to safely manage my level of involvement and interaction online, at the expense of the ability to actually put in the work for change out in the real world.

OKAY.

Last post on mobile. Tumblr is officially deleted from my phone. we are on Set Amount Of Time A Day - PC/Desktop only for a while.

To be very clear the point of this is not looking for sympathy or trying to be guilt trippy, just trying to get a hold of where my head’s at and let y’all know I’m not gonna be around so much but that I’m okay. Or least, this is me TRYING to be okay.

i CANNOT let the doom-scrolling keep affecting my ability to actually do anything that might actually help. The way i’ve been interacting on this site, trying to Stay Informed but blurring that line and crossing into constantly seeking more and more details that i NEED to admit i can’t handle, whether it’s the level of detail or the constantness of it or both…

the paralysis and anxiety and panic and - there’s an actual word for when you keep vividly imagining the absolute worst possible outcome but i can’t remember what it is, probably something else starting with “doom” - anyways the point is i clearly don’t have the ability right now to:

a) have any kind of ready access to The Horrors without making it… LITERALLY constant in my life. i don’t have the control to take it in measured doses, i need to recognize that if i have any kind of access all the time it WILL be a 100% deep dive nothing but the fucking trauma and abominations being inflicted on others in detail from the moment i get up until i finally clear my head enough to sleep for a few hours. which yeah i KNOW Palestinians in Gaza don’t GET that luxury it IS 24/7 all the time for them and I wouldn’t be complaint about that at ALL honestly if it weren’t for the fact that right now CLEARLY i do not have the fucking ability to

b) stop that from paralyzing me from any Real Action. It just locks me up. It SHOULDNT i should be able to compartmentalize that shit because physically for now i am fine my family is fine but instead i just fucking sit there , blankly staring as I scroll through atrocity after atrocity after atrocity that powerful governments are supporting, feeling like i cant do shit cuz it’s just getting worse and worse, then guilty that i feel like giving up, then GUILTY that i feel guilty because who am i trying to guiltrip here who CARES if I feel guilty when i’m not in the same situation they are they have it so much worse and they keep on going what would YOU do in that situation huh if you can’t even handle THIS - then that kicks of the vivid imaginings of me and my family experiencing that kind of slow death and dismemberment and being crushed by rubble then of course because we’re in america close to dc my brain jumps to nukes and how we’re in the zone JUST far away enough from DC for it not to kill us outright it would be slow and horrifying and painful and could i bring myself to at least get in the car and make it up to them so we could at least die together or would it be alone and afraid like all these people around the world are going through, that Palestine is going through, that my government is putting them through -

anyways it’s that spiral that keeps me sitting and scrolling and sitting and scrolling and wallowing in - what i genuinely thought was me just being a shitty fucking person but i realize now was actually genuinely - an anxiety attack (that’s the one that’s slow and creeping, right? panic is the fast sharp one) like an actual physically can’t shake myself out of “i forgot my brain was fucking broken, the adhd meds aren’t gonna magically fix everything” anxiety attack. Every goddamn day.

And let me be very clear again about my point here my point is not to try and guilt trip or garner sympathy my POINT is -

I cant do the kind of shit that actually helps anyone, in real fucking life, if I keep sending my brain into lockdown panic “All Is Lost, You Suck, Just Fucking Die” mode.

I want to be better, do better, be stronger, not have to look away at all. But I can’t trust myself not to fucking…. wallow in the goddamn despair of it all right now. So I need to take that option away.

Because who’s it really for, honestly? All the sharing and the posting? There’s a limit to what actually helps. The people following me have already made up their minds, one way or another. Sharing more of the same old shit isn’t going to actually CHANGE anything. Once youre through the new information of the day, the shit people actually need to know that they might not already… it feels like it’s just fucking… performative bullshit. like it’s all about making sure people SEE you still sharing all of this stuff. Oh look i’m still involved see how involved i am see how i’m still reading and sharing and posting all this stuff arent I a Good Activist?

What does any of that matter if it’s breaking my brain so much I can’t actually do any activism???

I would rather be considered weak and selfish by strangers on the fucking internet who don’t see me sharing as many posts as they think I should, but who ACTUALLY KEEPS WRITING the emails and MAKING the calls and SEEKING OUT events and disruptions and protests that maybe i can actually PARTICIPATE in

Than to keep showing off how i’m not “Looking Away” online but then spend every night sitting on my couch doing Fuck All about it, locked in a perpetual doom scroll through my For You page, imagining my flesh slowly burning and melting off as I hoist my whimpering dying dog’s body into the back of my car and desperately try to reach my parent’s house in time to say good bye and all go together, then shoving all that down into a flimsy box at the last minute to be able to smile at my mom and act like I just swung by to help with the floors instead of absolutely needing to see her and my father alive right now and touch them and fucking hate myself for indulging in that when Palestinians can’t so much that i force myself into an even deeper doom scroll next time as penance because how dare i look away for a MOMENT i can see them i can live i NEED to MAKE myself look at what’s happening-… rinse and repeat.

#thoughts of death #some suicidal ideation #mostly the worst bit is the last paragraph i might’ve gotten a little carried away with explaning my most common imagined death scenario #via Nuke #uuhhhh what else description of a hopelessness spiral #that i’m TRYING to fight it’s not going great but i’m TRYING #i think that’s about it. i swear despite these tags it’s a HOPEFUL post. it’s just i gotta be more realistic about how utterly FUCKED my #ability to stay sane about all this is in order to actually TAKE the steps i need to take to do something USEFUL about it #OH and brief but descriptive mention of dog death for those particularly sensitive to it

[dostoyevsky-official]

for the umpteenth time, there is no appreciable oil or gas to extract, but the idea that this is all happening because the israeli government wants to resurrect a harebrained 1960s plan to build a new suez with nukes is doubly astounding. you don't need to contort yourself into pretzels to get at the real answer — we know what simple evil drives the israeli government.

#any government worth its salt had crazy infrastructure plans to be built via nukes in the 60s

[cielcloudds]

you ever just have those MD runs where you get the most broken combination of EGO gifts so everyone on the team turns into the equivalent of a hydrogen bomb which results in you being able to pull funny little plays like this

#limbus company #project moon #yeah so from floor 3-5 I got a bunch of ego gifts that turned everyone (mainly ryoshu) into walking nukes #like excluding the bits where you damage the fairy this fight took like 2-3 turns #also pretty sure ryoshu did like 400-500+ damage with her skill 2 at one point via critting???? #regardless faelantern was the coughing baby in the “hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby” this fight

[prince-liest]

i just saw the snippet where alastor actually uses the traffic light system (oh boy) and im so stuck between thinking vox either immediately fucks right off into the ceiling lights or gets german suplexed all the way down to the 7th ring of hell :skull: either way, vox is not getting out of that one with a flick on the wrist

The correct answer is ofc "Vox immediately fucks off right into the ceiling lights specifically to avoid getting German suplexed all the way into the 7th ring of hell" WHEEZE

But! Yes! It ends probably not as poorly as you are imagining, but that's mostly because me writing smut always turns into an exploration of trust and intimacy, and what's an extension of trust if not getting told "hey. stop. now." by an eldritch horror instead of getting eaten by said eldritch horror?

#ask #personal #my writing #I'm actually almost done with the fic #it took 4k words to get to the actual sex #now it's 9k words and Alastor still needs to have a little dissociation about the reality of having his endocrine system yank him around #y'know. #as a treat. #(a treat for ME!!!!!) #god you know this isn't a safeword fail fic #but there is literally nothing on this planet fucking earth that I love writing more than safeword fail fics #I almost did it but it would've nuked the radiostatic dynamic from fucking orbit via dubcon and it didn't feel like an okay ending to me #I WILL FIND A WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVENTUALLY!!!!! #Viv pls tell me what Lilith's personality is actually like and I'll write one hell of a lili/luci safeword fail fic I PROMMIE #anyway sorry these tags are a mile long #it's 11:30 and I am Le Tired #anonymous

[wizardnuke]

here's the lap harp i got the other day + a messy rendition of flu game :^) ignore the mistakes. ignore them

#can yall see this its a white screen for me #im going by ear and counting strings more than im using the key on the side other than b and f sharp #i've always been a bad sight reader which nuked my chances whenever i tried for regionals in school #i learn via repetition then i go by muscle memory always and forever amen #and i played wind instruments. strings have never been my friend #the fine motor skills involved. #also i know it's slightly out of tune i just do not care #harp

[nikomedes]

"but helping viridian dive would be terrorism" "thats-- thats what im here for. and we just DID terrorism" "yeah, but they did BIG terrorism and we did SMALL terrorism. its different" "we also did terrorism better" "yeah we also did it better"

i love ttrpgs

#our glorious deposing a military dictatorship via mass environmental destruction #their foul striking down a monarchy by detonating an evaporation nuke in a populated city #dot txt

[silvershewolf247]

I tend to headcanon that Andy was living with Kyle for a while after Child's Play 2, kind of hopping from place to place. So now I'm imagining baby Andy practicing piano at one of her friends' houses and Kyle buying him a portable keyboard.

#my timeline is like 10-13. He's living with kyle #13-16 he's bouncing between a variety of sucky foster houses #16-18 he's at kent #18-22 he's serving in the military and dating Kristen #22/23 is when Chucky is ressurected by Glen and sends him letters to fuck with him #which nukes his relationship #23 he lives with mom and mike for a while #then by 24 he's bought a cabin and starts earning extra money via hunting and prepping for Chucky #andy barclay #kyle no last name #kyle simpson #i fucked up the timeline #its 8-12 with kyle #12-16 in foster

[jpdrawsalot]

Im still mad that mcd never really got any merch outside giant posters. Tempted to make my own standees and charms for my own enjoyment and serotonin. Like yes its a lot of work for a personal thing but the thought of a small Garroth watching over my antidepressants on my desk or protecting my keys is comforting to me

#my ramblings #jesson has nuked my fanart on redbubble in the past despite profiting off of an animation i made via reaction video so im. hm. #but at the same time. ibby bibby little knight guy attached to keys. small priest who you can sentence to crimes via your fridge perhaps. #throw your flirty shadow knight in your kitchen sink. cleanse him of his evil with a bubble bath #mcd #minecraft diaries #idk. thinkingg about things I yearn to own and have the power to make lol

[bending-sickle]

rewatching supernatural 8x15 and dean resolutely Doesn’t talk about him getting slammed with visions of hell by calling it “some other crap”

and i just realized that if they close the gates to hell it wouldn’t just be demons they’re locking away forever, but souls being currently tortured.

and okay some probably deserve it, but we have seen many instances of people being tricked into selling their souls for a deal, not to mention the ones who had no better option.

so no one thinks locking them away with the rest of hell is…not particularly cool? does no one think of the souls? or the torture factory?

#ya whatever sure crowley makes everyone stand in line forever #i bet that doesn’t make demons #in later seasons when souls are getting stolen and fasttracked into nukes or whatever it’s all via torture #idk i zoned out for a lot of those last seasons #randomness #supernatural

[lathrine]

for the totally opposite end of the spectrum: a WIP that is a) much more polished and b) of an extremely well developed thought

#things ive drawn #wip #solerinth #vynniel #world of warcraft #these boys have known each other for literally half a day #dont even know theyre going to get married and have kids #sol was SUPPOSED to be albino and then i gave him black hair. oops. now he just has intense heat sensitivity and is incredibly #which is great for when he dies via plague exposure when sylvanas nukes undercity with a bioweapon and then sol comes back as a san'layn #the one sad thing about this wip is that i didnt start it with comic intentions so i didnt design gud panels and spacing #and now i just super dont want to reorganize and redraw things so its just very Boxy. doesnt feel great on my brain #thankfully SUPER fixable!! very very fixable! i just have to sit down and do it

[pepsimaxolotl]

Everytime I discuss splatoon lore in front of someone who’s never played the game I’m guaranteed to get at least one “what the fuck, I just thought it was a funny squid paint ball game”

#‘haha oh yeah humans are extinct after nuking the icebergs in WW5 and the main gameplay mode is based off a war as well that killed 1000s’ #agent 8 ran away from a dictatorship only to be kidnapped forced through inhuman testing where the reward is death via blender is also fun #instant whiplash to anyone

[iii-days-grace]

I rarely go into the tags and I hoard a LOT of posts in my drafts as you can see, so just for shits I've been trying to see if I can actually max out my queue (currently the limit is 1000 total and 50 posts a day).

#i would rather just stay here in our own little ecosystem than interact with non-RPF people who might get pissy about it #i got deleted once idk if it had anything to do with that but i dont want to get nuked again #my biological niche is keeping old posts circulating via the queue like a benthic invertebrate recycling nutrients #original post

[space-ninja-fashion-show]

good news: saryn prime has finally emerged from my oven

bad news: i have no goddamn clue how to build her for ESO (and if the builds i find will even work without the arcanes) and how to play her effectively, and bc random saryns in ESO are by default expected to be carries it's actually giving me quite a lot of anxiety to learn

#kata's chatter #gonna do my research and trial and error obviously but if anyone has an eso nuke build and user manual for her that theyd like to share #i would most definitely not say no #i dont have her fully levelled yet bc i was doing nightwave today but eh #most of her levels i got via an actually competent saryn in the squad in SO which was v lucky #i got to just run around smacking things #and glaring at the cerata for doing shitall bc i was just levelling it as fodder #been in too much pain to play these past couple days and damn i missed it #warframe

[dyketrickfoot]

sigh i saw someone say somewhere that the party split might lead to scanlan learning healing word do you know how much money i would pay for that to happen. that was his most used spell in c1

#out of all the casters he's been nerfed the HARDEST. keyleth has an arsenal of elemental spells transport via plants and plane shift. #pike can heal (and so can keyleth in a pinch) but she's also a nuke. #scanlan. they had him learn polymorph and lightning bolt in s1 but they haven't used it since. they only let him have 1 spell. grggrgrg #tlovm spoilers

[baby-kirby]

kingdom hearts with no context my beloved

so nonsensical

so whimsical

#kh #pooh bear rides a balloon up a tree. fucking sephiroth shows up. donald duck nukes a bitch. hercules mopes around. goofy dies #donald tries to alter the timestream threatening all of reality. goofy becomes a turtle. chip and dale are spaceship engineers #mickey gets choked. designer clothes become a priority. hoverboards are real. scrooge has a monopoly over the ice cream and popsicle market #christmas gets saved via excessive violence. ghosts exist. anime villain gets randalled in the scare factory. donald manipulates a kid #all of this happens in the same universe

[thetardisisnotourdivision]

What people think being on school council is like: important meetings, decisions, authority, privileges.

What it really is:

Me: so there's this issue (bullying, hygiene, mental health etc) that needs addressing.

The headteacher: Ah yes we have a wonderful system in place for that (explains the system in great detail) so it doesn't need dealing with actually because we're awesome.

Me: I'm trying to tell you that the system is shit and it needs fixing sir -

The headteacher: ARE THERE STILL HASH BROWNS IN THE CAFETERIA, GUYS?

#no sir if you nuke the city you will be seen as the bad guy #yes sweetie hash browns are great buy your students are literally being slowly killed by the systems you've put in place #can we address that? #HASH BROWNS #it's like being an evil advisor #or the babysitter of an overgrown child #I fucking swear #school council is a fucking trip #We're also only told where the meetings are at like ten o'clock at night via this email thing we've got set up on this app #The night before the meeting #So usually there's like three people total there and the headteacher (who I swear is such an npc) #Anyway I'm supposed to be doing maths revision #Reblog to help me procrastinate