#i respect how unapologetically open that dude is in ways that might be “too much” for some people & really connect 2 that

[fandom-monium]

Kinky but Not Really

Summary: In which you make an odd request, and Spencer tries to fulfill it. “I don’t want to disrespect you...”

WC: 1.8k

TW: Spencer Reid x GN!Reader, fluff, cussing, established relationships (blegh), light use of sexual themes including light degradation, light violence, and the slamming into walls (nothing explicitly sexual or nsfw bc im a wimp), specifically post-prison Reid, ft. Garvez and Rossi

Spencer loves you. He’s never doubted that for a second.

Your laugh as you throw your head back. Your eyes, the way they crinkle when you grin too wide. Even your style, whether you’re in joggers or suits, just does something to him he can't quite explain. Really, he loves you. 

Even if you’re weird.

Spencer knew what he was getting into, okay? He didn’t consider it earlier in your friendship, but as time went on and you two grew more comfortable around each other it became apparent that he wasn’t the only… outlier in the team. By the time you officially got together, he was already used to it.

But somehow you still manage to surprise him.

“You want me to what?” 

“I know it’s a lot to ask,” You wince as Spencer coughs. With his sleeve, he wipes the coffee dribbling down his chin, staring at you as if someone hit you over the head. It has to be the only viable explanation, considering what you’ve just asked him. “But hear me out.”

Spencer sits up and sets his mug on the coffee table. “Wh...what? Why? No-what? When?”

You wring your hands together, shifting your weight foot to foot as he squints at you. “Okay. When: um, some time after you came back from prison? I think? Why, I’m not sure. That’s why I’m asking you.” 

“I don’t know, (Your Name),” Spencer rolls his lips together, anything and everything that could possibly go wrong racing through his mind. 

“Nothing extreme! I don’t expect you to slap me across the face⏤”

“Oh my god⏤”

“Just small things! Start off light,” You think for a moment. “Like shoving me around or smacking me. Calling me names.”

“I hear where you’re coming from, but I don’t want to…” He flushes, his voice hushed like what he's about to say is forbidden, “disrespect you.”

You take his hands in yours with a bright smile, “Hon, I love you, but please. I’m the one asking you to get violent with me.”

“What the-when did you up your demands?”

You continue, “Like, if you think about it, you’d be doing me a favor. Respecting my wishes by ‘disrespecting’ me. So, what do you think?” You watch him carefully, legs tucked under you, a hopeful sparkle in your eyes. He can almost see the dog tail wagging behind you.

How can he say no?

"Alright, if that's what you really want," Spencer sighs, smiling as you break out into a grin. He laughs when you tackle him into the couch, thanking him repeatedly. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll try. But starting tomorrow.”

“That’s fine!” You sit up, smiling down at him. Your lips wiggle as you try to suppress your anticipation. “No pressure, just do what you feel comfortable with and we’ll see from there?”

Spencer bites his lip and nods. “Sure.”

⏤

The men of the BAU are distinct; you can tell just by looking at them.

David Rossi, though the eldest, the senior, is suave and has a level of sophistication that could only come with age. It’s in his blazers, his stride, the warm yet knowing eyes. A reassurance that eases the people around him.

Matt Simmons rocks the young dad vibes, with the smooth-shaven face and simple clothing. Not to mention a smile that makes him good with both children and adults alike.

Then there’s Luke.

“You!”

Luke nearly falls out of his chair as Garcia stomps over, sitting up in attention as the click of her pumps grow nearer. “What? What happened?”

“You! You happened,” Garcia hisses, looming over him while Rossi comes up from behind. 

“Penelope, we don’t know for sure⏤”

“Who else could possibly do this? Matt and you could never. Only this troll could have done this,” She whips back on Luke, her eyes⏤usually bright with mischief⏤burning and accusatory. “Fix it!”

And just to tick her off, because that’s the purpose of their relationship: “No.” 

She sputters, fuming pink as her lipstick. And as Luke revels in the oncoming eruption, sneering at Garcia, Rossi⏤that wise geezer⏤squints at him.

“You don’t know what we’re talking about, do you?”

“... Not a clue.”

Maybe I should've retired. Rossi sighs, “Spencer and (Your Name) have been off today, and we think they’re having a fight.”

“And you think I have something to do with that?” Luke's face pinches in offense.

“You didn't see them today, have you?" 

"No?"

Garcia, shaking off her fury, is more than ready to spill the tea. "Kay, so this morning on the way up, I saw Spencer and (Your Name) waiting for the elevator and Spencer just snatched their coffee. And he didn’t even bother to let them into the elevator first.”

Luke frowns, “I mean, it's a bit ungentlemanly but I don’t think that means they’re fighting.”

(Had she shared the lift, she would have seen how apologetic Spencer was, nearly bursting into tears as he hands you the cup of coffee, throwing you whatever cash he has.)

“And during lunch I caught them down the hall by the break room,” Rossi recounts, wincing at the image, “They were talking in hushed tones, then Spencer shoved passed (Your Name) and stalked off.”

(If he’d check on you, he might have caught the proud gleam in your eyes, grinning wide at Spencer’s attempt at getting rough with you.)

“And you still think I’m involved?” Luke raises an eyebrow at Garcia.

She’s completely unapologetic as she scoffs, “Listen, I don’t know how Spencer can stand being friends with you, but clearly you influenced him in some way because before he met you, he was my sweet summer child. Now…” She withholds a sob, Rossi sympathetically patting her shoulder. “You’ve tainted him!”

“I… I don’t know how to respond to that.”

“Then don’t,” Garcia sniffs, drying away tears. “Just bring our Spencer back!”

“Bring me back from what?”

They jump in unison, turning to find Spencer has returned from his break and is now back at his desk. He eyes them curiously as they fumble for an explanation.

“Hey, Doc,” Luke, deciding to end all this turmoil, asks, “Are you and (Your Name) having uh... lovers quarrel?” 

“A what?”

Garcia shoots him a look, “A ‘lovers quarrel’? Really?”

“Well, I doubt they’re fighting, and honestly a lovers quarrel sounds much less intense than⏤you know⏤fighting.”

“No, we are not fighting. Why would you think⏤oh, you saw...” Spencer’s face falls, melting into embarrassment. 

"Saw? Son, we witnessed," Rossi huffs as he crosses his arms and stares down Spencer. "Would you care to explain?"

"I know what you're thinking, but I swear it's not what it looks like. This is..." After his explanation, his embarrassed flush only deepens at their mortified expressions. 

"I've never wanted to be this close to you."

"My sweet summer child is no longer."

"Guys, chill. I for one am glad Spencer is willing to…” Luke gives him an awkward smile, “keep it interesting. The best relationships take effort, right?”

Spencer hums, nodding, “Exactly. We’re doing great⏤”

“Hey, guys,” You greet as usual.

Without missing a beat, he faces you and snaps, “Damn it, (Your Name), for once stop running your mouth and get me a drink.”

Luke, Garcia, and Rossi freeze, gaze switching between Spencer and you, waiting with bated breath. They haven’t seen Spencer remotely like this, not since prison. And despite knowing that you asked for this, they’re fully prepared to throw themselves in front of him just in case. 

But instead of reacting violently as they expected, you pause, taking his poor attempt at a glare in stride. Then you smile, heading to the coffee machine. “Sure, no problem.”

Spencer turns back to them. “See? B-better than ever...”

“Dude, are you crying?”

⏤

“So you couldn't do it, huh?"

Shoulders drooping from exhaustion, Spencer slumps against your desk and sighs, “No, I’m sorry.”

You shrug, “It’s okay. Thanks for trying though. As a reward, let’s get take-out. My treat." You press a kiss to his cheek, but the smile you shoot him only serves to make his heart sink. “Meet me at the elevator, k? I’ll get my things.”

“Okay...” As Spencer shrugs on his satchel, he can’t help the guilt squirming in his stomach. Why does he feel like he disappointed you? Or more accurately⏤didn’t meet your expectations. Sure, you’ve had your fair share of disputes and as Luke put it, “lovers quarrels”, but never has he felt so… defeated.

Is this what failure feels like? It sucks.

So as the elevator shuts, as it dings with every descended level, as you babble about what you should have for dinner, Spencer makes an executive decision. 

A final stand, if you will.

You turn to Spencer, “So, what do you want for dinner⏤”

You yelp as your back hits the wall, the back of your head cushioned by Spencer’s palm because he’d rather kill himself than hurt you, pressing his body against yours. Warmth envelopes him, and as you meet his gaze, he musters all the dark emotions he can, the side of him he didn’t realize he had until prison. He feels it⏤the fury, the disgust, the merciless violence⏤bubble to the surface, and he can’t deny the satisfaction he gets seeing your eyes wide with shock; the entire day you’ve seen him coming, taking every one of his attempts like a joke in spite of his best efforts.

At least now he feels like he’s got the upper-hand.

Spencer leans in, bumping his nose against yours in an Inuit kiss. It’s a gentle contrast to his next words, and as your breath hitches, he bites back a smirk, pulling back to meet your eyes.

“What I want is for you to shut your mouth and put it to good use.”

Your jaw slackens.

The elevator dings and you both jump, Spencer quickly pulling away from you as the door opens to the parking garage. Luckily, no one else is around and Spencer leads the way as you head for your car. But you’re silent as you walk, and he wonders if he went too far. Was he too rough? Disrespectful?

“Hey, (Your Name), are you⏤” Spencer looks over his shoulder, only to halt at your expression. 

You give him a toothy grin, face flushed and eyes crinkling as you tilt your head at him. “Yes?”

...Ah. If you keep looking at him like that, his heart might burst.

Letting his bag drop at his side, Spencer pulls you into a tight hug, and for a moment you sway together, hearts beating in time, breathing steady.

Spencer sighs, “I don’t get it.”

“It’s okay, I don’t get it either!”

He smiles into your shoulder, chuckling. Yeah, he loves you.

Especially because you’re weird.

⏤

AN: hello took a break from studying and wrote this trash at 2 am whoops

to the user that requested some rough d/s smut with degradation and rough play, im sorry but my asexual ass just could not with this one. but as a kinky asexual i rolled with it✨

pls take the “rough” play and “degradation” lightly. it’s not supposed to be accurate representation. this is just reader and spencer experimenting and having fun!!

i love that yall have the hots for post-prison reid while im over here just wanting to tuck him into bed and kill anyone that brings him harm😳

#spencer reid x reader #mgg x reader #matthew gray gubler x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid #mgg x y/n #mgg fanfiction #mgg imagine #mgg fic #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds

[calamity-bean]

top 5 favorite things about American Gods 2.08

So, season 2 of American Gods! It’s done! It’s over! It had some things I loved and some things I didn’t love and I’m glad I was more involved in the fandom this season than I was during the first one, cause meeting new people and discussing week to week has been great fun! I’ve loved talking with y’all. As far as the finale episode goes, here, too, there were things I loved and things I didn’t. For now, though, I wanted to focus just on the positives and highlight a few aspects of “Moon Shadow” that I wholeheartedly enjoyed. (Listed in roughly the order they happened, not ranked by fave.)

1. The whole conversation between Shadow and Laura in the cemetery. In addition to being filmed in a really beautiful way (visually, it’s almost like a conversation between lovers looking at each other as they lie side by side in bed... except they’re lying on tombs, with a great gap between them, surrounded by death and decay), this convo hit a lot of important notes. I particularly loved that we got to see the backstory of Shadow’s nickname — a rare glimpse into what their relationship was like when times were good. And I loved that Shadow remembers this cute, funny little moment, a moment from when he was deeply in love with Laura... and then looks at her now and tells her not to call him puppy. For two seasons, Laura has been clinging to this idea of fixing things between them, and Shadow has loved and missed her enough to at least warily entertain the idea... but they’ve both (rightfully) gotten to a point now where it seems ridiculous to pretend that their relationship could simply go back to the way it was before. It’s good that Shadow be allowed to acknowledge his pain and his anger and to distance himself from her. It’s good that Laura be made to see that though she can still care about Shadow and try to protect him, he’s not her puppy. I don’t think this conversation gave full closure to their relationship, but it was a long time coming and an important step.

2. Salim. Everything about Salim. Salim buying liquor for Sweeney’s wake, and how cute and fumbling he was as he did so, and the way he referred to Sweeney as a friend. Salim’s outrage and horror at the idea that Wednesday and Shadow might actually have committed the crimes the media claimed. Other characters seem a bit amused at his panic, but frankly, that just highlights how out of touch many of the gods are from normal standards of behavior. It also highlights the fact that Salim's kindness and goodness are not rooted in being a doormat; they are rooted in a strong, deeply felt sense of morality that goes hand in hand, imo, with his strong and deeply felt devotion to his faith, which he is quietly but unapologetically courageous in his love for even when others criticize or tease him for it. Salim’s long-suffering loyalty to the things and people he believes in is not a sign of passivity or naivety, but of standing resolute in the face of a frightening and unjust world.

3. Technical Boy is BACK and he’s had a SOFTWARE UPDATE and I have some mixed feelings about what direction they might be taking him, but overall, I can’t deny how happy I was to see him?? As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, one of the weirdest surprises of this season for me is that I’ve actually grown... shockingly fond of Tech Boy. The big reason for that, I think, is that compared to many of the other New Gods, he has so much personality! A smug, bratty, annoying personality, yes, but a personality, and it makes him feel vastly more real and HUMAN than, say, Mr. World. What we’ve seen so far of Tech Boy 2.0, on the other hand, feels... less human. More remote. More uncanny. And more chilling. I did enjoy that, in a way, and I really enjoyed his scenes with Mr. Xie — especially the point in the discussion about Jacob and the angel at which Tech Boy turns on Xie, suddenly becoming so much more ominous and threatening than the “old friend” he’d always been. I’m definitely interested to see more of new Tech Boy... I’ll just be sad if he’s lost all of his old personality.

4. Laura committing Grand Theft Sweeney, which still leaves us in suspense (though I’m pretty confident the showrunners wouldn’t have had her take him if they didn’t at least intend to bring him back to life) but is such a compelling development in Laura and Sweeney’s always compelling relationship. The fact that Sweeney has feelings of some sort for Laura is kinda old news; I think a lot of us have figured as much since season 1. But one thing I’ve truly appreciated about season 2 is how it’s started to show us that Laura cares about and is drawn to him as well. Getting to see Laura stoically refuse to show her grief and anger in front of other characters, yet secretly be SO upset, was great. I also love how apparently not one of the six other people in that funeral home (nor the police converging on it from throughout the area) noticed her marching outta there with the world’s giantest dead dude slung round her neck like a feather boa. It’s difficult for me to imagine cool, composed Mr. Ibis being surprised by anything, but I reckon walking back into the mortuary after Salim and the Jinn left, only to discover an empty slab, might’ve raised an eyebrow or two at least.

5. Last but not least... We’re headed to Lakeside, y’all!! Obviously, this was just a last-minute little detail, so there’s not too much to say, but I did like the way the show uses the Mike Ainsel drivers license not only as a disguise but also as a subtle suggestion to Shadow himself, cluing him in about where he should go next. I don’t know how effectively that hook would come across to people who haven’t read the book, and I have a lot of questions about how the Lakeside arc is going to function in the show, but for now, suffice to say that I’m very excited for it, as it’s one of my favorite settings/subplots in the book.

Honorary mentions also to Shadow’s grief and guilt and torment over Sweeney, which I’m glad came through so clearly — I’ve got a lot of feelings about those two as a pseudo-brotp, and Shadow’s soft little line about how “sorry doesn’t change anything” was ouch — and to the opening sequence dealing with the infamous 1938 broadcast of War of the Worlds. I actually have... mixed feelings about that sequence within the greater context of the episode, the season, and the show; I think the narrative arc that it’s linked to has problems with pacing and with lack of actual development / follow-through, and ultimately, I think this episode was similarly anticlimactic in that respect. But that subject definitely merits its own post (assuming I feel up to writing one at some point), and as a standalone, I think that sequence was a very effective and entertaining way to set the stage.

#american gods #shadow moon #mad sweeney #laura moon #salim #technical boy #ag meta #ag 208 #ag spoilers #my meta #op

[spacecharr]

Why I’m Not Threatened By Old Men

A (high) treatise on why young women shouldn't be afraid of all old men.

Written by a (high) young bi woman of colour.

---

Lemme start by saying I wrote that title because I thought it would be clickbaity. And I wrote the subtitle like that because I'm being "funny" and I anticipate it will generate trolling. My popcorn is getting cold, and I want a show.

And incidentally, it's all true.

Because this is SpaceCharr pontificating on #authenticity and weed, son!

My local Starbucks is small, has a tiny little patio, limited seating and serves a wildly diverse customer base. From your Basic Skinny Pumpkin Spice Latte Bitch(TM) to uniformed police, from sharply dressed businessmen to soccer moms with three kids and a Burberry purse, from punk-rock loud and proud visibly LGBTQ folks to button-down sweater-vest old-schoolers, and from local college kids to retired old men.

It’s fascinating to see the crazy range of people and it makes for eavesdropping lazily on some hilarious (and sometimes very serious) conversations ranging all over the place.

And for some reason, I have a really really easy time getting old white men to talk to me. 

Lemme lay some context: I’m a friendly gal. I’m sociable, (I’ve been told) charming, easy going, and very casual. I remember in elementary being given feedback by my teachers that I was “unapproachable”, and they were worried I would have difficulty making friends. From junior high on, I purposefully (after much coaching from my parents and my mom especially) sought out opportunities to learn better social skills. As an only kid, I didn’t have any siblings to be guaranteed friends with, and my relationship with my extended family was spotty at best. 

So if I wanted friends, I knew I’d have to get them on my own. (Troll Note: I know some dipshit’s gonna be all “omg sure #thathappened. Like a grade schooler can know that” - and you’re right! Grade like, 3-6 me had no fuckin’ clue. But 20s me? Who’s gone through a bunch of psychotherapy? Now she knows a bit more)

I learned interpersonal skills. I did drama, I joined clubs, I did Toastmasters (fuckin’ fantastic, btw, look for your local chapter), and I even did the Dale Carnegie Interpersonal Skills course that’s based off How to Win Friends and Influence People (1000% recommend, A+ on how to be a decent human despite its manipulative-sounding title which is brilliant). I learned how to be a more approachable person - and I learned why people find it approachable.

I saw the difference in how people received me when I spoke formally versus when I spoke in a very familiar tone (”hello” vs “hey, hey!”). I noticed that I could easily put the people I was dealing with off-balance in a good way (relieved surprise) with humour and well-meant self-deprecation. I learned through trial and error what body language and touch cues elicited in terms of responses across various types of people. It became second nature for me to analyse and act on these, and my knowledge of these techniques helps me daily in my work as a consultant.

So now, after several years in the workforce, multiple significant life events (aka I’m relatively old), and more overall life experience, I’m often described by my coworkers and friends as “very friendly and often happy”. Of course, according my sibling-like co-scoundrels in my cube farm, I am “disgustingly upbeat” - but they say it with love because they know I’ll tease them relentlessly, too.

I have found over the years that I have actually changed down to the core of that grade school girl. I’ve gone from a kid who struggled to make friends and who was seen as unapproachable, to a person who can very quickly establish good rapport. 

(side note: holy fuck I just realized I went from Dandere to Deredere... I’m a fuckin’ anime side character, shit)

Kind of the best example of what I mean is an interaction I had with a new massage therapist at this place I had a gift card for. That is to say, a complete and total stranger whom I had never interacted with or seen in the past. The shop I was at had you wait in the reception area with the receptionist until the RMT came to get you. So this dude came out to meet me, introduced himself and we chatted easily for a bit. After not even a minute of us chatting, he and I were laughing together and shared an easy chemistry. The receptionist - remember, who’d been there when the RMT and I introduced ourselves for the first time - then asked me “oh, are you two old friends?” to which he and I laughed and said “no, we’re just friendly”.

Anyways - that’s the context.

I’m a friendly gal. Sociable, a bit charming, easy going, and easily able to manipulate her own behaviours in order to make the other person feel more comfortable.

In Harry Potter-code: I’m a Slytherin who can play a Hufflepuff, but only because it gets me what I want - your cooperation and rapport - more easily. However, I also do genuinely mean those nice Hufflepuff-like actions - just, there’s an ulterior motive attached.

I’m also young, and obviously with South Pacific Islander blood in me (exotic features - I’ve been told I’d be cast in Miss Saigon if they ever did a musical in my city - I took it as as compliment, since I’m friends with the old white dude who told me that and he did mean it as a compliment).

Let’s put this together:

Exotic, tan-skinned young woman

Chatty, friendly, skilled at making people feel comfortable

Can make someone feel like an old friend

Easily self-deprecating and humourous

In a Starbucks with chatty retired old dudes and a lot of shared seating

Can anyone else see why my title makes more sense? (Legit, I am high, so if it doesn’t make sense, that makes sense)

Lemme spell it out for you bois: I’m an old perverted white man’s wet dream.

(yes, I’ve been told such to my face; yes, I believe from experience that most of the people who won’t believe me are straight young men - not out of malice, I think, but out of a belief that people aren’t that bad [not that old men finding young women attractive is bad - acting on it in certain ways however, can be]).

I’ve worked out of the Starbucks I mentioned several times in the past. As a consultant, I have a measure of flexibility in my schedule and I find I work best on some of my problem solving and documentation work when I’m out of the office. The change of scenery and the need to shut out the environment to “see” my work helps me - plus I don’t get drawn into the co-scoundrel shenanigans.

And I’m not kidding you - 8/10 times that I go there, I make a new old white man friend. Even the bi dude I met (srsly, it feels like since I made the decision to be openly out, I’m meeting more and more bi people everywhere when before there was nobody) was an old white dude.

I fuckin’ love it.

I am a young, bi woman of colour who loves having old white man friends. 

Because they’re just as chill, non-judgemental, self-deprecating, sociable, and easy-going as I am. And they appreciate my dad jokes and bi puns. Seriously. Dads everywhere - we all secretly love your jokes.

And, y’know what? I think more young women - LGBTQ or not, PoC or not - should want to have old white dudes as friends. 

INB4 tumblrinas: I don’t mean resurrect Hitler and be his gal pal. I mean don’t dismiss a possible friend just because they’re old, white, and have a dick. Use your brain - not every human is good, but likewise, not every human is bad. We come in shades in all ways.

I won’t tell you what to do, because I don’t know. What I want to share with you is why I feel the way I do. And let you do what you will with it - because I’m not interested in changing your mind. I’m interesting in trading stories and adventures - and understanding more about each other through that exchange.

Here’s why I love being open to talking to old white dudes:

Dad jokes. I’m not kidding. I love Dad Jokes.

They’re often past the point of giving a shit about society, so if you have a genuine, good-natured conversation about your point of view, chances as they won’t give a shit as long as you’re happy and no one’s dying.

They have amazing stories. I can’t tell you the number of times a new friend of mine has launched into crazy tales of things they got up to when they were younger.

They have great advice. Often, they’ve made some pretty bad mistakes. And they’re all too happy to share their lessons and spare someone else the trouble.

They often just want a chat. They don’t need a new friend, they don’t want your number, they just want a lively conversation with someone who isn’t gonna call the cops on them.

It’s so freakin’ easy to make their day and make them smile. And the genuine surprise when they find a young chickie they’ve no doubt had to weigh the pros-and-cons of talking to, who is easy-going and as happy to make their acquaintance as they are hers? It’s so cute. Old man smiles are so cute.

They respect you for being unapologetically who you are. They know that they’ve invited themselves into a talk with you - and they’re willing to carry and/or exit that talk if they find you being openly yourself. (which means if “yourself” is a fuckwit, they’ll just drop you if they know what’s good for ‘em; but then you’re just a fuckwit in Starbucks)

I guess for more location context, I should add that I live in Canada; it’s not an uncommon occurrence here for spontaneous conversations to happen. It might be more rare in other places, though. My city is also quite progressive and has a fairly active and supported LGBTQ scene.

All this said, it’s just a really nice experience in my mind to have good relationships (passing conversations, spontaneous coffee clubs, casual friendships, or more serious friendships) with old dudes as a young woman.

It’s like having a legion of second father figures, or uncles, more accurately fun drunkles, and older brothers. 

I enjoy several significant friendships with old dudes:

I go for coffee almost every week with two white old dudes and a dudette (I’d say “old” but she’d punch me out): our conversations range from politics to wood relationships to name calling to sibling-like teasing.

I have three co-scoundrels at work that I’m close friends with, all are old men. None are in a position to help me with anything at work, but damn are they hilarious and they’re a ready Friday-afternoon morale boost with their antics.

I have a very close old Japanese-Canadian friend. We have a complicated and somewhat tense relationship, but ultimately I think it can be said that we have a certain platonic love for each other. Though we don’t speak frequently, we’re both very significant to the other. He was my taiko instructor.

I have another very close relationship with one of my long-standing old dude friends. He’s known me since I was 9. A single hug from this man can stop an anxiety attack in its tracks. We kiss each other on the cheek and like to weird out the ladies at Starbucks when we go there with each other by holding hands - we’re both Slytherin trolls.

Don’t forget the OG Old Guy: my proper Old Man. My papa. Our relationship was strained by my mother’s unhealthy approach to all her familial relations during my early years. But as I’ve moved out, gotten older, and gained more life experience, it feels like my dad is finally realizing I’m not a little girl anymore - that I’m a woman, with woman needs, woman wants, and woman expectations and behaviours. We don’t talk about all things, naturally, he’s still my dad. But I can’t tell you how great it feels to have a dad who I know has my back no matter what.

I feel like there’s a certain conditioning for young women to “fear” the “old white man”. Certainly for me in particular it feels like there’s lots of factors in play: my “tropical” ethnicity, my youth, my LGBTQ nature (still haven’t been asked for a threesome as a bi woman - I’m impressed with my city), and, naturally, my gender.

While I do know that those are all things that certainly do warrant a certain amount of wariness around strangers (old in my neighborhoods usually means highly conservative about, depending on the age of said person, “the immigrants” or “the non-whites”. Age from young-old to old-ass-old. They’re a product of their time.), I also think it’s vital not to let that wariness get in the way of making a possible new friend.

Anyways, I need to wrap this up.

How does this loop back into #authenticity and weed? Well, it’s been my experience that the old (white + some Asians, in my case) dude friends that I’ve made are some of the best people to help you be yourself.

They have anecdotes to illustrate benefits, cons, risks, and rewards; they have dad jokes and puns to bring some much-needed levity; they don’t give a fuck about the other Starbucks goers - for better or for worse; and they - just like you - just wanna have a good day and be able to be themselves.

Does this apply to every old man? No. Does it not apply to every old man? No.

If you’ve read this far, you have the brain capacity necessary to give someone a chance. Now, you’ll wanna do some preparation if this is nearing your max capacity, because you wanna make sure you’re not letting the wrong old man come talk to you all friendly-like. 

But once you find one who’s just a swell dude? Cut ‘im some slack, maybe remember that he’s struggling to speak your vocabulary as much as you’re struggling to understand his. 

Sit back, drink some coffee, smoke a joint, and share a story once in a while.

Anyways. That’s been SpaceCharr Pontificating.

Cheers, buds.

Stoner note:  My hand rolling’s gotten so much better. And the weed I have doesn’t seem to smell as strongly as the pre-roll I had that one time, so I might sesh in the park at some point. I have my inaugural shroom trip this weekend - bestie agreed to tripsit! Yay! And she’s bringing the whole Planet Earth HD collection! - so it might not be for a while. I want to give the experience the attention it deserves, plus I need to establish a clean baseline to experiment accurately with microdosing.

#authenticity and weed #weed #lgbtq #bi women #idk what are controversial tags so just idk like add em? #high on: pinner #idk what strain but I bet it's a sativa #and my hand rolling has gotten so much better! #microdosing #shrooms #dandere #deredere #dandere to deredere #wtf #dont judge me son im pontificating #SpaceCharr Pontificates #yeah #defs sativa #sativa #harry potter #slytherin #bisexuality

[lovegodherself]

there’s these two guys i know (GUYS) and they hated to all the boys and were saying it’s so bad and it’s the worst movie they’ve ever seen and my fragile heart can’t take it and can’t properly verbalize why they’re so so wrong can you help me

Aw cutie omg YES okay I actually have a lot of thoughts on this!! I’ll put it in a read more since I wrote an essay (complete with footnotes) lmao…

Okay so to preface this: I’ve been thinking about the male reception to/interpretation of this movie since one of my (straight) guy friends casually said the other day that he thought To All the Boys was “good” but Set It Up was better, which is totally fine - and I loved Set It Up too - but it legit hurt my feelings because To All the Boys is so tender and personal and resonated with me on such a deep emotional level that his dismissal of it felt almost insulting to me (and he *liked* it so I can’t even imagine having to listen to someone trash it like that - you’re braver than any US marine)… Now up until this point I’d only talked about To All the Boys with girls and gay guys, who all seemed to wholeheartedly adore it (or were at least happy to swoon over Peter Kavinsky with me), so even though I was taken aback that he thought it was just ~okay, I didn’t even try to argue or challenge him on it - which is not like me at all - because my internal gut reaction was like “wait, of course you didn’t love it, it’s not FOR you!”

Let me explain:

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before is told entirely from the female perspective. Not only was it written and directed by women, and based on a novel by a woman, but its sole protagonist is a teenage girl - the entire story is told from her POV and her actions and emotions guide us through the narrative. In contrast, Set It Up, which also happens to be written and directed by women (it’s amazing how good rom-coms are when they’re created by people who actually love and understand the genre - what a concept, right?) has dual protagonists in the Glen Powell and Zoey Deutch characters, who carry pretty much equal weight in the story. That creates an easy entry point for male viewers who might otherwise have trouble identifying with women and/or relating to stories about them - they’re spoon-fed a “dude” perspective to identify with and can mindlessly consume the rest of the movie. If that element is missing, they’re genuinely lost.

That’s where I think a lot of guys* just don’t ~get~ To All the Boys, which is unapologetic in its femininity and doesn’t make any kind of concentrated effort to entice or win over the straight-dude audience. We’re all so conditioned to view male stories/characters as neutral/universal and female stories/characters as specific/niche that for women, something like this feels revelatory and refreshing, while for a lot of guys, it can be confusing - even threatening - because they can’t comprehend a story that isn’t bending over backwards to cater to them. On top of that, from the very first scene it’s rooted in female fantasy and focuses so heavily on female relationships** that they probably feel that it just isn’t for them, or is making demands of them that they resent. Does that make sense? Basically I just think they’re put off by the inherently feminine sensibility of the movie and their inability to process that manifests itself as “I hate it, it’s bad.” *Steps down from feminist soapbox*

Now, if you just want to hit them with specific examples of things that are inarguably good about To All the Boys, that’s just about the one thing my master’s degree in film criticism is good for so here goes!!

Things To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before Gets Really Right:

The visuals. The cinematography and color composition are completely stunning and manage to feel at once classic and really fresh.

The set design, especially the interiors. I love that the girls’ bedrooms reflect their different personalities - Margot’s is bright and pristine, mostly composed of whites and neutrals (safe) with subtle pops of color and lightly decorated with a few sophisticated details/accessories, while Lara Jean’s is more colorful and whimsical, like a daydream, and a bit of a cluttered mess but still so pretty and soft and warm, just like her. That attention to detail is impeccable; my favorite little touch was LJ’s prominently-featured bookshelf full of Nancy Drew mysteries, which is never explicitly acknowledged but there for the girls who Know™.

The authenticity. On a representation level, this movie reflects our world in a really necessary (and unfortunately rare) way, with a diverse cast of actors/characters who feel effortlessly real. I appreciate the filmmakers’ commitment to honoring the Song Covey sisters’ half-Korean background, especially since I know that was a bit of a battle for them. Also, on a micro level, I think the way all the characters interact in this movie feels pretty natural in a way teen movies don’t always get right. None of the performances feel hollow, forced, or over-the-top.

Characterization. Every single one of these characters feels like someone I know - or could know - in real life. There are no stereotypes, and every archetype (the Cool Dad, the Mean Girl, the Nosy Little Sister) all have a unique spin that makes them feel super original and interesting. Also Peter Kavinsky as a love interest is so key because he’s a truly good, kind guy and their relationship is totally respectful and healthy, especially by teen movie standards!

The depiction(s) of grief/loss. I lost my dad last year and it’s really affected the way I consume any kind of media, but Dead Parent Content in particular is obviously always touchy. It’s rare to watch things that deal with that subject in a way that feels genuine and honest without being emotionally manipulative, and when you do it’s not always easy. Very few things tackle the subject thoughtfully and gracefully enough that it resonates but is still watchable*** and I thought this movie did an absolutely perfect job. The scene with her and her dad in the Corner Cafe makes me weep - I could write an additional 5-6 paragraphs on why but I’ll just say that her hesitance to even talk about her mom is such a fundamental aspect of her characterization/story that the catharsis when it gets broken open is deep and effective. Also them talking about her (and the way they talk about her) brings her mom into the story as a character (not just a theme or a concept) and I thought that was really well done and important!

I have to physically restrain myself from writing more but in summary I’ll just say that those guys not understanding this movie would suggest that they just don’t understand girls, which is their problem, though you might want to suggest that they take notes on Peter Kavinsky (and Lara Jean’s dad for that matter) if they want to be good men and boyfriends and eventually husbands and fathers, lest they die alone and unloved! If you do feel the need to engage, I would recommend challenging them - ask them to back up their opinions with actual reasoning, or ask what kind of movies they like (and if they answer with typical, predictable nonsense, ask why they thought they’d like a movie like To All the Boys to begin with) because guys like that are usually just looking to bait a reaction and tend to crumble/shy away when you flip the script on them. ALSO if this is really “the worst movie they’ve ever seen” - and I promise you it’s not - but they’ve clearly not seen Netflix’s The Kissing Booth**** which is hands down the best hate-watch of 2018 (I’m lowkey obsessed with how reckless and insane that movie is) and they’re missing out.

Bless you if you read all that… I hope it helps!

* I say “a lot of guys” because obviously there are plenty of guys out there who do love and respect women and are interested in watching movies that tell our stories - that’s just not who we’re talking about here.

** Even though her relationship with Peter is the through-line of the story, it’s her relationships to the other female characters that inform the conflicts, resolutions, and character dynamics: her inability/unwillingness to open up to anyone comes from her fear of losing people like she lost her mom, the film’s inciting incident happens because her younger sister loves her and wants more for her, the whole arrangement with Peter is born out of her inability to lie to her older sister, the primary conflicts that arise between her and Peter are the result of her strained relationship with her ex-best friend Gen - I could go on, but you get it.

*** I have an ongoing list of Quality Grief/Loss Media Content for anyone who needs it or is interested.

**** No offense if you like The Kissing Booth. To be clear, I enjoy it very much but it is, by no stretch of the imagination, anything even resembling a “good” movie.

#to all the boys I've loved before #anonymous #ty sweet anon for giving me an excuse to wax poetic abt my two fav subjects: this movie and how stupid boys are

[hallelujuh]

shay’s favorite albums of 2018

10. Hivemind by The Internet - TI are insanely underrated and definitely helped me remember how much I adore R&B music. I literally love the bass lines so much - I’ve learned about half of the ones off this record, honestly. Syd’s vocals are amazing as ever, seamless and sexy and gorgeous, and I just, I love R&B music so much, gotta get into more soul shit. Favorite track: Bravo.

9. Sweetener by Ariana Grande - Somehow Ari flew under my radar for years; I simply did not care about her, and rarely heard her music on the radio, let alone sought it out. But some friends succeeded in getting me into it, and now I respect her as a singer and a person. She’s been through hell, and I admire her strength. Not to mention she’s incredibly talented as a singer. I have a hard time with pop records, because of the lack of substance and depth, but this record is a look into a person I think we’d come to forget was a person at all; it’s all her feelings, her heart on her sleeve, and it’s awesome. Not to mention her voice is literally so damn pleasant to listen to, I could fall asleep to it, haha. Favorite track: Successful. 

8. Dirty Computer by Janelle Monae - Miss Monae literally has so much going for her. She’s so immensely talented at everything, and after her success in the film industry, it was nice to witness her return to music. Dirty Computer is fun, personal, and reminds you that Janelle deserves a lot more attention and admiration as a musician, because she does some really innovative and unique stuff that is always something special to behold. She’s a damn good rapper, too, and the accompanying short film to this record was really cool. Favorite track: Screwed. 

7. Pray for the Wicked by Panic! At The Disco - After being a fan for literal ages, I finally saw Panic this year, so that was pretty damn cool. Pretty much DoaB Part Two, but that’s not a bad thing. The music is fun, Brendon’s vocals are as awesome as ever, the production is smooth as hell, and the songs were a damn blast live. A little too uppity for me, but several of the songs have been on replay at times. Favorite track: One of the Drunks. 

6. Trench by Twenty One Pilots - I have a love-hate relationship with 21p, and I’m not emo anymore, so I nearly didn’t even listen to this record, but I did, and I, grudgingly, liked it very much. It doesn’t deviate significantly from the sound of Blurryface, but incorporates a lot more bass in (which I appreciate, as a bassist). It’s also notable this album was lighter in tone, at least sonically. That’s nice. Had a bit of punk, in there, a New Wave sound, almost. Pretty interesting. And deep subject matter. I wish this band hadn’t been spoiled for me. Damn. Favorite track: Bandito. 

5. Queen by Nicki Minaj - A truly fitting title. Nicki’s always exuded a majestic sort of power, a confidence, strength, and sexiness we all can admire, and she’s never faltered in that, but she’s definitely at her top form here.  Favorite track: Barbie Dreams. The Biggie-sampled beat makes an already awesome song even better. This is essentially Nicki’s Control; honest, biting, but also wonderfully comedic and light-hearted. I will literally never forget listening to this for the first time, absolutely awed at every rapper she managed to playfully go at, and how clever each sneak-diss was. 

4. KOD by J. Cole - Cole’s been my favorite for years, and each of his recent albums have resonated with me deeply because of how genuine he comes across, even when he’s rapping about the typical things a rapper might rap about. Somehow Cole does it in a unique way and always makes it his own, so I never tire of the same topics. And he’s real, real as fuck; unapologetic and confident, but not assholish or excessively cocky. I really applaud him for that. Favorite track: 1985. Cole’s proudly embracing the fact that he’s not a youngin in the rap game anymore, and taking the role of a older figure, a wise one who advises his younger peers to reconsider their careers and their admittedly slim chances of remaining relevant. It’s brutally honest, harsh but not cruel, and absolutely admirable. Not the mention the beat is chill as fuck. Whole thing gives me goosebumps; easily one of the highlights of Cole’s career. 

3. Kamikaze by Eminem - Okay, I’m a former hardcore stan who’s turned critical in recent years, but this record fully blew me away. Marsh got relevant again! With the dope flows! Damn! One of my favorite parts of this record was the reactions - watching people remember that Em is not one to be fucked with. Not to mention the now-iconic MGK beef. What a bunch of horseshit. Killshot totally roasted the dude, though. Favorite track: The Ringer. What a way to open a record! Holy shit. I re-listened to this one repeatedly because it was so unexpectedly incredible, with the way the flow is changed up frequently, and the wordplay never falters, clever as ever. Renewed a lot of people’s faith in Em’s abilities, I think; myself included.

2. Iridescence by Brockhampton - In last year’s post I said how excited I was for what the future had in store for BH; and boy, was this year a good one for them. On this record, despite the absence of Ameer, they hold their own without him; Matt, Joba, and Dom even seem to step up to the plate, in fact, and each member spits fire, so that the manic energy from the Saturation Trilogy remains. Said trilogy helped them establish their winning song-writing and production formula, and this record polishes it.  Favorite track: Weight. Absolute goosebumps. The whole track has an otherworldly energy, but the transition from Joba’s verse into Dom’s is especially visceral. Joba’s holds an enthusiastic nihilism of sorts, and optimistic perception of life’s pain, while Dom’s is deeply depressive and harrowing, his voice full of a hurt and his words holding a wisdom beyond his years. It’s a beautiful track, through and through. 

1. Post Traumatic by Mike Shinoda - This album pretty much saved me this year. I’m very thankful to Mike for putting his feelings to music, because these tracks helped me sort out mine, and I connected to each individual song in a way I haven’t in a long time. I would actually kill to go to a show of his; it’d probably be somewhat of a spiritual thing for me, considering how deeply even the studio versions resonate. Favorite track: Hold It Together. I literally love every song on this album (except IOU...), and each is uniquely special, deeply personal, and beautifully resonates, but this one stands out for some reason. I think that breakdown towards the end adds a lot. Some other favorites are About You, Ghosts, Make It Up As I Go, and Running From My Shadow. And there’s not even words for Brooding.

honorable mentions

Expectations by Hayley Kiyoko - This one very nearly made my list, but Hivemind ending up dethroning it. It’s a great debut, full of gay bops that really kicked off 20gayteen well, I’d say. (Favorite track: Wanna Be Missed. Fun fact: My most listened song for all of 2018.)

Mania by Fall Out Boy - It’s unfortunate that my long-time favorite band didn’t make the list, but I just couldn’t get into the sound of this record. (Favorite track: Sunshine Riptide)

Bloom by Troye Sivan - He’s so big now! A big boy! I’m so proud of how far he’s come. I wasn’t as big on this album as I was on Blue Neighbourhood, but it’s still a solid sophomore record. (Favorite track: Dance to This)

Be the Cowboy by Mitski - Mitski’s sound is an aquired taste... I’m still not entirely in love with it, it’s so otherwordly in a jarring way? But I applaud her innovation. (Favorite track: Nobody)

extended plays

they’re too short to be included in my top albums, but i wanted to mention them anyway.

Lake Effect Kid by Fall Out Boy - The Chicago fuckers strike again! While the themes took away from the, uh, relatability, of the music, they’re still solid tracks that deviate from their earlier 2018 effort in a pleasant way. (Favorite track: Super Fade)

My Dear Melancholy by The Weeknd - Abel is one of my favorite musicians of all time (and was my most listened to for two years in a row) and he’d never disappoint me. MDM is sad, harrowing, and visceral, proof that Abel continues to be one of the best artists of this decade. (Favorite track: Call Out My Name)

#2018 #mine #txt

[kiruuuuu]

I asked you and you said feelings are also acceptable, so I took it and ran :) I hope you like it! Keep showering these older dudes with love ♥ (Rating T, lots of introspection, ~1.3k words)

.

Drops of water are drumming on the wooden roof overhead, creating an almost magical ambient noise interspersed with thicker drops falling onto the wet ground. Rain has always been Montagne’s favourite weather and rain in the English countryside in the middle of summer is a beautiful experience – the stately country home in his back, wide open fields ahead of him, a bulbous glass of Marc in his hand and he feels waves of nostalgia washing over him. He’s in an odd mood today, a mixture of seeing Thatcher overwhelmed with gratitude at the fact that everyone came, tasting the sharp bite of the Pomace brandy and watching the others interact effortlessly like puzzle pieces that fit. He couldn’t even say why or for what but his heart weeps and rejoices at the same time, selfishly longs for more, whatever that means, mourns for what has been lost, is grateful for what is still there.

He withdrew from the party not because he felt the need to distance himself but because he felt the need to approach himself, address this strange pressure in his chest that’s not yet unpleasant. It’s only a short run from the back door to the pavilion and Montagne doesn’t mind getting his shoes dirty if it means he can enjoy the refreshing, fruity brandy in the privacy and cosiness of the fancy gazebo Thatcher and his mates built themselves years ago. Even after decades, they’ve stayed in touch with each other, sometimes met up here and have openly encouraged use of the house whenever anyone so desired. As far as Montagne knows, it belongs to one of their families but they all come here now and then, invite guests, family, friends. Each of them has a key.

Squelching footsteps alert him to someone’s presence, a familiar groan announcing a certain someone who first shakes himself like a dog and then, with a sigh, plops down on the bench next to Montagne, making no effort to be anything but loud or preserve the quiet serenity of the place. Regardless, Montagne can’t help but smile – it’s so typical. He’s never been different, always came barrelling in unsubtly. “Am I disturbing you?”, his voice rasps, accent thick, and the tone of it makes clear that he wouldn’t leave even if he were.

It could be dangerous. Montagne is feeling wistful already and being faced with him of all people, right here, right now, might trigger something in his current fragile state of mind. Still, he turns, lays his eyes upon Tachanka who’s watching him attentively, curiously, seeming open and approachable in his casual clothing. Something takes hold of Montagne’s heart, strengthens its beat to the point where he’s sure the other man can see it through his shirt. “No”, he replies softly, “you can stay.”

A nod and Tachanka leans back, studies him mutely. Oftentimes, he has the desire to fill silences, used to distract Montagne from his thoughts as if he were afraid of what was going on in the Frenchman’s head. Now, he sits, listens to the water dripping and drumming. “What are you drinking?”, he wants to know eventually and this question is a lot easier to answer than the ones Montagne anticipated.

“Marc de Beaujolais”, he says and willingly hands the small glass over when Tachanka reaches out. There was a time where Tachanka would’ve downed the contents in one go, grimaced and then complained about the taste just to mess with him, just to break out into booming laughter and refuse to offer to get Montagne more. The playfulness between them has faded, however, there’s a distance between them, born of respect and the things Montagne said that he cannot unsay. The Russian sniffs at the clear liquid, turning the glass a little, and then hands it back with an unimpressed scowl. “It’s not for everyone”, Montagne smiles, “I haven’t had it in years. It’s Cathérine’s favourite.”

The name sparks no ill will on Tachanka's face, not anymore. She was never his rival, the divorce had been the end of her and Montagne’s relationship after all and though they were still on good terms, talked regularly, she herself never stood in the way. It was the idea of telling her about Tachanka, having to tell their daughters, exposing this side of himself that filled him with dread, made him recoil. He wasn’t comfortable with himself, had to fight the idea that his life had been a lie up to that point a year ago. It wasn’t a good environment for something as unstoppable, sensual, overbearing as Tachanka.

He misses him. There’s no sugar coating it, Montagne misses him, the lazy kisses in the morning, the neverending innuendos, the company, the carnal side of it all – his entire home, his shower, his sofa, his bed, they all whisper of panting breaths, tight embraces, muffled moans, distracted, affectionate gestures. The months that seem endless in his head were staggeringly intense and shook him to his core. Maybe that is also why he felt the need to put an end to it: it was too much, he wasn’t prepared, lost his footing and wasn’t confident Tachanka could catch him if he fell. Tachanka never does anything half-heartedly and his confidence and devotion made Montagne feel like an impostor, as if he was leading him on. He didn’t allow himself to commit.

He regrets it.

The revelation feels like a punch to his stomach and he can’t breathe for a second, forgot how, almost breaks the delicate glass between his fingers. He thought about meeting with him, a few times, to see whether they could form a tentative friendship but ultimately didn’t for a number of reasons. Fearing that he’d come to this conclusion was one of them. They’ve moved on, asking for a second chance would be selfish, inappropriate, maybe even insulting. Tachanka accepted his decision and so should he.

“It’s fucking unbelievable how much the old bastard can drink”, Tachanka speaks up and Montagne knows exactly what he’s doing: giving him an out, an excuse to partake in small talk and then go back to the party, no harm done, no hard feelings, hardly any feelings at all. He hates that the Russian deems this necessary, assumes Montagne feels uncomfortable in his presence. Hates that he’s probably right. The rain has lessened, the noise of it allowing for his thoughts to clear up a little.

“Yes”, he agrees and looks back to the large house that seems more and more appealing, like a distraction. “I should probably go -”

“I’m sleeping in the guest room downstairs.” He announces it matter-of-factly and so it takes Montagne a moment to parse this information. “But yes, let’s go back.”

His mind staggers. Was that – he’s floored, watches as Tachanka gets up and turns away but it was definitely – it was an invitation, no? So that means –

“Wait”, he says hurriedly.

They’re both motionless but it doesn’t feel that way to Montagne, to him Tachanka is sliding away, out of his grasp, inevitably gone if he doesn’t do something. He thought he’d lost him already, thought he’d drifted away and is astonished to find his hands still holding on to his body. There is a chance. He thinks of teasing remarks, crude humour, unapologetic touches, blunt honesty and what he once perceived as threatening has always been his heart’s desire, he realises now, how was he so blind. He can almost feel Tachanka's skin between his fingers and so he tightens his grip and pulls.

The glass shatters on the floor, splashes its contents over the wooden planks and is immediately forgotten as Montagne’s breath mixes with Tachanka's, their bodies melting into each other and their lips touching, gently at first. The shards crunch under Montagne’s shoes and it’s extremely satisfying, feels almost as good as the strong arms encircling his torso. Reciprocating his tight hold.

He didn’t think he deserved a second chance. But he’s boundlessly grateful that Tachanka does.

#rainbow six siege #tachanka #montagne #tachanka/montagne #fanfic #oneshot #request #I hope I did them justice

[modernart2012]

Green Thumb

for @unnaturalalien​

on AO3

Otabek has a green thumb. It gets him into trouble.

The first (second, on a technicality) time Otabek meets Yuri, he goes back to Almaty and plants gladioli bulbs deep in the ground. It will take time for them to grow, because it is still winter and the ground is hard, and Otabek is sure he should have put them in a planter then the green house. But. They are swords for a soldier, and they will struggle but survive and thrive, or not.

 “Gladiolus?” His mother asks incredulous when the flowers pierce through the soil come spring. Otabek hums noncommittally at the green spears poking through. Then he leaves his mother puzzling and goes to practice.

The gladioli have grown to their full height and bloomed an array of colors when Otabek is again moved to plant something. Or somethings. The only bulbs he could find were alstroemeria and yellow tulips, but they would bring a bright pop of color to the garden, but they are unapologetic in their cheerful color.

 He doesn’t get much of a chance to do more than stick them in the ground before Yuri’s flying in - ostensibly, because his flexibility has failed to go to shit even though he’s hit a growth spurt that puts him above Otabek in height, and Yakov’s freaked himself out into arrhythmia, so off Yuri goes to Otabek’s coach for a bit. “Yakov doesn’t believe in the power of yoga,” is what Yuri scathingly informs Otabek of when he steps out of the airport. Otabek nods, because that’s as good a reason as any, especially for as storied a coach as Yakov, and how set in his ways he reportedly is. Though why to Otabek’s coach is anyone’s guess, up until Minami comes in chattering like a particularly cheerful and/or excited chicken. The shock of red in his hair doesn’t help the impression.

 His coach tells him, in poor if passable Russian, “I know you told me you were going to get me a rooster, but I didn’t think you’d seriously do it.” If Otabek didn’t know the context - his coach has been complaining about her recent addiction to eggs causing her grocer concern - Otabek’d be making the same face as Yuri, who would later take him aside and inform him that if his coach has trouble waking up in the morning, maybe he should get a better coach? It takes some hurried explaining that his coach, in attempting to not stick out like a foreign Canadian thumb, has taken up learning Russian. And also probably forgot the word for chicken.

 The face Yuri makes then - awkward horror coupled with pity, eyes wide and green - is one Otabek will cherish forever. Mostly because he laughs so hard he has to take a moment to remember how to breathe right.

 That has nothing at all to do why he goes and buys a planter and pushes in tiny seeds of marjoram, green like meadows.

The marjoram makes for tasty western-style chicken, and quells the ache in Otabek’s chest that  is not homesickness, for all that it feels the same as when he longed for Almaty.

 Or as Yuri so helpfully puts it, the next time they meet, “Oh no, you’re a foodie.” Then spams him links about western herbs after Otabek beats him - a bad collision in the Free Skate warm up had left Yuri concussed and barred from performing. Yuri had understood and conceded with something like dignity to the ISU official, even if he raged about it privately between waves of headache. He’s glassy eyed and stormy, like the moss in Canada, but Otabek will never tell Yuri that.

 This means there’s only one thing to do. Otabek stares down Viktor - predictably going pure healthy in the grocery store and giving no thought to flavor, no you cannot make protein drinks for every meal - until Katsuki digs out Viktors wallet (and doesn’t that say something, that Katsuki holds his fiance’s wallet) and hands it over. Otabek buys sorrel, savory, thyme, tarragon, and sage as fresh as he can get them, then buys the seeds too - maybe one of those greens will be closer to the right green; the marjoram is too green and not enough tinges of sky blue to suffice.

 Then he makes dinner, because Yuri’s kitchen is off limits to Yuri as long as he’s concussed.

 The chicken takes the flavors well, but perhaps it would work better on something like pork? They discuss the idea at length, with Yuri baldly claiming it would work best in pirozhki. Because fried foods are a good idea to eat for an athlete.

 After, when Otabek is home, he pushes the seeds into the same planter as the marjoram. Then, upon further reflection, horehound and goldenrod, to balance the sudden infestation of green. Herbs are tasty.

Otabek knows his mother is quietly judging him. His father just believes he’s taking an interest in a hobby, and keeps passing him horticulture books discreetly. If blatantly passing books across the breakfast table can be called discreet.

 Still, it is tacit approval if anything, so Otabek uses it as permission to completely take over the garden. He’s always wanted apple trees, and the peach tree and cherry trees are more for beauty than function. He’s smuggled a blackberry bush over by the pond, and far more flowers than should be reasonably put in a garden.  Sure they don’t need azaleas burning red-pink in definiance - they’re fucking delicate to grow - but they’re pretty and all the Aunties are jealous.

 Yuri FaceTime’s to see the garden, hearing from Seung-gil through JJ that the garden is absolutely out of control. Otabek is planting larkspur, in thin long spears of blue and purple and pink. “Come to the gate, asshole. Let me in.” The background had seemed suspiciously familiar, but they FaceTime regularly, it’s not a huge thing for a place to seem familiar.

 Yuri’s in the garden almost immediately, “Holy shit. How many plants do you have in here.”

 Otabek looks away and tries not to think about the actual count. Its... larger than anyone would actually want to think about.

 Yuri spends a good portion of his illicit break - “I caught Viktor and Piggie,” being the most he says on the subject, leaving Otabek and his mother to fill in the blanks with (respectively) furrowed brows and pinched lips - in the garden, taking photos, and complaining about being bored whenever he’s not at practice or napping.  

 Otabek’s mother gifts him a book on flowers when Yuri leaves. Otabek doesn’t know what to make of that, but gifts Yuri a forget-me-not in a pot. He had too many plants anyways.

“Dude. How do you pick the flowers you plant.” The question comes out of nowhere, and ambushed Otabek blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

 “They remind me of you.” The he freezes, because he’s never meant to tell Yuri that in such transparent terms, and flees to ice for his Short Program.

Most people would think it’d be hard to run away from someone in the staging area of an ice skating rink. They’d be wrong. Otabek isn’t the largest person ever, so slinking around in a crowd without being noticed is something he can do easily. Granted, it only works around the people who don’t know him, and out of his costume and sports suit, but it works.

 He’s nearly completely out of the complex when he gets beaned in the back of the head with something that makes a soft swooothump upon contact. Otabek still stumbles, and is about to yell at whoever threw the whatever at him, when he notices what they are. Forsythia, gardenia, and sunflowers. An odd bouquet, a mishmash of colors and types of flowers that can only mean it was a specialty bouquet someone had made specifically. It’s the first  time Otabek has gotten such a bouquet, though more popular skaters like Viktor probably get their fair share. Otabek takes it, because it’s probably from a shy fan and while he’d certainly have preferred not to be hit with it, it’s still nice to get a bouquet like this. “Thank you,” he calls down the empty corridor behind him.

His mother falters when she sees the bouquet. She nearly drops her favorite teapot and trips over the family cat, then keeps sending him concerned glances for the rest of the night. Otabek has no idea why, though his father just pats him on the back and congratulates him. On what, he’s not sure. Hopefully the medal; if not then the strawberries. It’s a little late in the season, but maybe they fruited while Otabek was away?

 Otabek ignores it in favor of preparing for the next season. It’s almost the Olympics and he wants to go and represent Kazakhstan.

 Except his older sister comes home. She’s technically an international consultant and always in foreign places, so her being home is something of an event. She takes one look at the garden, at his bouquet flourishing in it’s vase, then drags him off by the ear.

 They go to a bar on their bikes, and she buys a round of beers. “So, who’s the special someone?” Otabek calmly finishes his mouthful of beer and then stares his sister down. She raises a single eyebrow and stares back. They both take after their mother like this, to their father’s eternal humor.

 This goes on for a bit, until his sister breaks. “Do you not know?” She gestures at him to not speak when he opens his mouth. “All your flowers and plants - they’re all pretty telling. Friendship, happiness, adoration, joy? Ardent attachment? And those one’s in the vase? All tell of someone who liiiiikes you.” She grins and Otabek freezes.

 “The last one was a fan bouquet.”

 She waves it off, “Fine, that one’s out. But the rest?” Her grin is deadly, and Otabek knows better than to cross that grin. But he doesn’t really want to respond, and that might be worse?

 “Oi, hag, back off.” Yuri yanks out a chair, spins it around, and sits on it backwards. How or why he’s here is certainly in question, but Otabek isn’t going to question someone saving him.

 “Yura, this is my older sister.” His sister waves in cheerful greeting.

 Yuri sizes her up. Then dismisses her, and Otabek will weep at Yuri’s grave. “Did you like the flowers?” Yuri asks apropos of nothing. His sister spits out her beer, Otabek is sweating bullets.

 “Did you throw them at me?” His sister’s shoulders are shaking. This is not helping.

 Yuri shrugs. “I was in a rush. Did you like them?” He crosses his arms over the back of the chair, eyes sparkling. “I used the book your mom gave me to look up their meanings.”

 Otabek swallows thickly. “They are lovely.” It’s the truth. His sister is dying. He prays for swift mercy.  

 Someone in Heaven must be listening, because Yuri’s phone rings. He answers it angrily. “What? You’re shitting me. That fucking asshole. You tell him to turn right the fuck back around -,” Yuri looks up and his eyes are storms. “Fuck you, I’ll be right there.” The to the world at large. “I’ll be around later - there’s an asshole I need to murder.”

 He leaves in a storm of punk. His sister leans over the table and murmurs sotto voce. “You certainly can pick them, Otabek.” Then she goes back to giggling.

Otabek likes to think he knows himself well. Daily meditation and yoga are supposedly good for that sort of thing, and he’s prone to self-introspection anyways. He leaves his sister and goes home, steals his mother’s favorite flower book and carefully looks up each and every plant he’s planted. While he’s been picking for color all this time - the colors that  look like Yuri, or something that reminds Otabek of Yuri - the meanings of each are damning too. He’s knowingly and unknowingly declared himself to anyone who’s cared to look, and he feels exposed. That Yuri knows too...

 But something his sister says sticks to him. He goes back in and carefully pages to the right flowers. Forsythia, gardenia, sunflower. Oh.

 Thankfully, his parents are out and his sister has informed him she’s going out with old friends while she’s in town and not to wait up for her. It means there’s a lack of audience, which is good and bad. Good because the fewer witnesses the better, but bad, because he doesn’t know what to do with this information. It’s not wrong, really, but it’s also - something fragile and new to him, something he wants to curl around and be firm in before he lets it go into the universe.

 He doesn’t have long to decide, as someone rings the doorbell impatiently. Probably Yuri then.  Otabek lets him in. “Sorry about that,” Yuri apologizes brusquely. “Old man was giving me shit.” Meaning Viktor most likely. Otabek nods sympathetically.

 Yuri grins, lightning bright. “So you did like my flowers!” The vase is still out, and the book still open. Otabek hopes he doesn’t look guilty. “You know, it figures you’d use something other than words to tell people how you feel. A whole garden is a bit much though.”

 Otabek busies himself with making tea. A whole garden isn’t much when you consider other people they know. Viktor and Yuuri Katsuki come to mind immediately, but so do JJ and Isabella. Perhaps the whole of ice skating needs to be written off as a wash overall? “The plants remind me of you,” he says uselessly. It’s not new information, technically, but it feels right to say.

 Yuri is startled, eyes wide. “Oh.” A beat, then, “I don’t know how to take that.”

 Otabek sighs, “Me neither.” Something twists across Yuri’s face, shock, anger, acceptance, despair. “But. I like it. And I like you.”

 The tea kettle whistles in the silence.

 Yuri hunches over, strange in his too thin too tall frame to be stooped over like a sleeping bird. When he looks up, his face is clear. “I like you too.” An admission, but another thing already known only waiting to be put to words.

 Which makes things easier and more difficult. “Perhaps, maybe.” He falters.

 Thin hands clasp his. “Selfies in the garden you grew for me?” Mischief abounds, and maybe the marjoram was green enough. “Then, you, me, and Breath of the Wild?” As Otabek is lead out, “That should be fine as a date right?”

 Otabek nods just once, even though Yuri can’t possibly see, and the answering squeeze of his hand is enough.

#otayuri #yuribek #otabek altin #yrui plisetsky #otabek has a green thumb #its cute #art writes #i don't feel liek double typing all the flower meanings #go check the AO3 for those

[dippedanddripped]

This past January, Buffalo native Alvin Worthy, known throughout the music world as Westside Gunn, expedited his passport in order to attend Paris Fashion Week. At 37 years old, it was his first time leaving the United States. His Griselda Records collective provided the soundtrack for Virgil Abloh’s Off-White™ Fall 2020 preview and Westside was as at home as ever sitting front-row for the festivities.

He was so inspired by the trip that he booked some extra time in the City of Lights to record a new project, motivated even more once Abloh confirmed that he’d like to create the cover art. What resulted was Pray for Paris, a project that manages to balance the boasts of aspirational opulence attained with some of the grimiest street rap in the industry today.

Westside Gunn has never pursued subtlety, which is more apparent than ever on his latest record. Pray for Paris opens up with a recording of the auction of Leonardo da Vinci’s “Salvator Mundi” painting at Christie’s New York, which sold for a record $450 million USD. As the gavel announces the final sale, it’s clear that Gunn is positioning his latest creation as a rap album of bespoke luxury.

Abloh’s cover art, a photoshopped reworking of Carvvaggio’s 1607 oil on wood painting, “David with the Head of Goliath,” adds the burden of Westside’s three chains around the conqueror’s neck. The aesthetic audacity aligns perfectly with Westside Gunn’s past hand-painted album covers, which alternate between vintage wrestling references, faceless FLYGOD fashion poses in Balenciagas and an unapologetic Hermès-rocking Hitler with his third eye stamped on his furrowed brow.

Jacopo Raule/Getty Images

There’s a moment on last year’s WWCD album where the vision Worthy has been plotting out over the past decade, even before he was Westside Gunn, comes to fruition. Rapping alongside brother Demond “Conway the Machine” Price and cousin Jeremie “Benny the Butcher” Pennick, his voice rings in the “Dr. Bird’s” chorus in an antagonizing echo. “Told Virgil write ‘BRICK’ on my brick,” he yells, essentially speaking their eventual collaboration into existence.

Even years before the “Dr. Bird’s” chorus, before the Shady Records and Roc Nation deals, and before his Griselda crew was captured at Kanye West’s Wyoming ranch, Westside was pulling inspiration from Abloh’s initial foray into fashion, PYREX VISION. “It’s not like I’m just supporting him now because of Off-White™ or Louis Vuitton, like all of a sudden I got a record deal and I can afford it. No, his first shirt was on my back,” he said.

Gunn fights against what he perceives as the limitations of being labeled a rapper. It’s a line straight out of Kanye’s big book of philosophy and even something Tyler, The Creator mirrored in his post-GRAMMYs speech. “I don’t even wanna be considered a rapper. I bring so much more to the game,” he told HYPEBEAST. “I love art, fashion, design, executive producing, putting songs together with the skits — all of that sh*t I love more than actually rapping.”

For someone who doesn’t consider himself a rapper, Westside Gunn managed to curate one of the year’s best rap albums, creating a world where he’s at its very center, surrounded by some of the most talented veterans in the hip-hop world today.

Westside revealed that he had been battling a coronavirus diagnosis shortly after the release of Pray for Paris. He joined HYPEBEAST to talk about his recent recovery following his first time out of the country, maintaining his FLYGOD status and the creativity that sparked his collaboration with Virgil Abloh.

HYPEBEAST: First off, how are you feeling? Where are you in the process of recovering from COVID-19?

Westside Gunn: I’m feeling good, man. There’s people dying from this sh*t and it did its little tornado tear-down but I’m building back up. I’m losing my mind because I ain’t smoke in weeks. But everything is just a process and I’m trying to get strong again.

We’ve been working and honestly I’m more motivated. I needed this project because this sh*t just got me more focused and looking forward. I’m not just sitting here on some pitiful sh*t.

What was the inspiration behind the title Pray for Paris?

Just the way I killed [Paris] Fashion Week. You had to pray for everybody in Paris the way I was doing it, man. People there, especially the paparazzi, they didn’t know who I was, but they knew who I was after Fashion Week. It was a dope experience. It was the first time I ever left the country.

I went out there with all my jewelry on with my big security guard from Buffalo. I had like four or five people out there with me. It was really last minute. Every show I went to I got dressed up in one-of-one pieces, so it was like FLYGOD on steroids. Just pray for that country man.

How do you feel about hip-hop’s cultural influence in the fashion world right now?

I think it’s beautiful. I was actually doing fashion first. Griselda Records came as a spinoff from my fashion line. To see hip-hop being accepted so much in fashion now is great, but I’ve been fly my whole life. I was designing jean suits and sh*t in high school. I always was ahead of the game when it came to fashion. Even when it comes to the Virgil connection.

I sent him pictures of me in 2013 when he did PYREX VISION — his first introduction to the fashion world and I was supporting him then. I always say, it don’t matter what you buy, it’s gotta be in you. I love looking on Instagram and seeing what everyone’s doing with their style because at a point in time, it felt like I was the only person doing that type of sh*t. So now that the hip-hop community is accepted by certain brands, it’s pushing the culture forward.

Virgil created the cover art for this project, too. How’d that collaboration happen?

When I was out in Paris, after all the fashion shows and all the partying was over, I still had three days left. I was so influenced by everything that took place that I went into the studio. I was with Virgil the night after I first recorded and I was like, “I already knocked out three, tomorrow I’m gonna finish the rest.” Virgil told me, “This sh*t is crazy. If you do that, I want to do the cover.” So of course, who would say no to that? It actually inspired me to record more because if he did the cover, it’s gonna be a different kind of crowd that actually listens to this.

This is gonna gain more fans for Westside Gunn on a fashion tip. It’s like I’m not even a rapper, I’m an artist. I don’t even wanna be considered a rapper. I bring so much more to the game. I have an ear for production. Some people are just rappers. That’s what they do: they’re good at rap. But I love art, fashion, design, executive producing, putting songs together with the skits — all of that sh*t I love more than actually rapping.

“I always been a supply and demand guy. I was in the streets, I lived by it.”

There’s no mysterious book of rhymes of Westside Gunn or a file of 10 unreleased Westside Gunn songs. Everything I’ve ever recorded is out. You can be like, “Yo, let me hear some new sh*t.” My new sh*t is Pray for Paris. There’s no song that’s just sitting in the computer, bro. Rapping is like the tenth thing on my list I do. But it’s important because everything else that I do before I rap inspires those raps.

You’ve always made sure that your Griselda merch and vinyl releases have incredibly limited runs. Have you looked to any brands for inspiration on keeping supply vastly lower than the current demand for what you create?

Even when I was doing clothing and I wasn’t rapping, I knew that I was doper than the majority of the game. There was a void and I wanted to fill it and bring a balance of the underground culture, the boom-bap culture, people say “backpack rap” or whatever you want to call it — I knew there was something missing.

Everyone wanted to be more from the south, or like Chicago drill music when that became big. People in my lane weren’t popular, they weren’t getting those looks. People always wanted to push forward the popular sound, what’s in the clubs and what’s on the radio. I always been a supply and demand guy. I was in the streets, I lived by it.

You gotta think like a street corner hustler back in the day. Like six, seven people be on one corner or in the projects and they gone fight for the same fiend. And I was like, “Why do that? I can go to a whole other city with no competition and make triple.” I applied my street methods to hip-hop and fashion. You give a crackhead free crack, that’s the best crack they ever had. They gone do anything to come back and get that again.

It was like, “Okay, everybody want to listen to this, but I’m about to make this popular.” It’s really like the dope game.

You linked with Tyler, The Creator on this record, both as a producer and as a featured artist. What was it about his energy that you gravitated towards?

Tyler is somebody who I respect because he’s himself. He don’t give a f*ck. A lot of people be scared to be themselves. In this game there’s a lot of make believe bullsh*t, man. A lot of these people that you see, well they not like that in real life.

With Tyler, he’s himself at all times. He don’t care who in the room. It could be the toughest dudes in the room and he might rap some off the wall sh*t and tell another dude that he’ll kiss him. If you know him, you respect it because that’s him. He’s a good dude with good energy.

As you can see, he killed the project on both levels, on rhyming and production. I’m thankful for that. I actually hit him to congratulate him on the GRAMMYs and that’s when he said he was making a beat for me. When he came to bring me the beat, he heard what I was already playing and he started rhyming.

You also connected with The Alchemist and featured veterans like Freddie Gibbs, Roc Marciano and Boldy James. How competitive were you when trading bars with those guys over The Alchemist’s productions?

Alchemist is Griselda, man. You know how Mobb Deep was always Havoc and Prodigy? The Alchemist was their third unofficial member. Basically what Alchemist was to Mobb Deep is what he is to Griselda right now. He was already a legend before he got with us and now he’s a part of the Griselda sound. Him working with Boldy, now that’s extended family. Because before I was on him, but I wasn’t on him. When I was listening to [The Price of Tea In China] I was like, “Dude is incredible. He remind me of like a Detroit Benny.” It was so vivid.

I always was a fan of Gibbs and I’ve been doing sh*t with Roc Marci for the last five years straight. Benny [The Butcher] went on tour with Gibbs so you build these relationships. Then when it comes time to start painting these pictures, you go to your family and you go to the best. The first time I heard The Alchemist beat [for “$500 Ounces”] the first person I thought of in the world was Gibbs.

“With Tyler, he’s himself at all times. It could be the toughest dudes in the room and he might rap some off the wall sh*t and tell another dude that he’ll kiss him.”

With me, it’s never competitive. I go on the beat and just do me, man. That’s never been my thing to compete. I was the guy who early on pushed Benny to be like, “Yo, I’m about to just sing a little hook that’s catchy that people gone remember from me, but I need you to spit 100 bars straight of the craziest sh*t you can think of.”

You have songs like “Shower Shoe Lords” and things Benny was performing for the first year and I wanted to see him kill it, not see who was better on the mic. I know what he can do and I want him to shine. Now look at Benny today.

There always seems to be a fork in the road when major labels and additional management step in and alter an artist’s course. Even after Shady Records and Roc Nation, that hasn’t happened with Griselda. How have you managed to maintain that vision?

One thing for sure, these guys been around me my whole life. And Daringer been in my life for too many years, man. This is family and family is first. Of course people have their misunderstandings and little arguments but when you a real family, that sh*t don’t mean nothing. Everybody’s grown. At the end of the day, we here for the culture. We know what we signed up for.

This sh*t was all written. We gotta remain strong because what we’re doing is legendary. We from somewhere where nobody ever came from. We also all slept in a cell. We lost key members of our crew. We almost lost Conway. We dealt with the shootings. So now it’s about giving the world some of the illest hip-hop of all time.

Is there any advice you would give to your younger self about maneuvering through the industry?

Don’t rush. Everything’s gonna happen organically. I’m very blessed. Even with a few bumps in the road, I learned from them so it could never happen again. I take the good with the bad. I’d tell myself to let everything happen organically and if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.

Four years ago, Griselda was still considered just underground boom-bap and nobody was really listening. Today we’re spoken of from every big name you could possibly think of. There were a few moves I made prematurely around three years ago. Those things can still come back to haunt you to this day but you live and you learn, man. You keep working.

You have your own day in your home city now, too. The Mayor of Buffalo declared August 28 as Alvin “Westside Gunn” Worthy Day. What are your plans for celebrating this year?

I’m trying to put a wrestling ring in the middle of the hood. I might have nWo [New World Order Wrestling] come out. My love for wrestling is next level. I’m not saying I’m the king of the city or any of that sh*t, but I have the most influence and me having my own day makes me want to give back.

Of course I want to do a concert but who knows with what’s going on in the world right now. This corona sh*t got everything backed up. We might still be in the house during my day. But God-willing if everything clears up and I can do something, I wanna do it for the streets because that’s where I’m from. They’ve backed me and showed me love.

How did your love of wrestling help inspire your career as a rapper?

It came natural. One thing about Westside Gunn, since my first project in 2012, Hitler Wears Hermès 1, you always gonna get art, you always gonna get wrestling. It’s the same thing you’re getting in 2020. My first album cover was an art piece, this cover’s an art piece.

“We all slept in a cell… we almost lost Conway. We dealt with the shootings. Now it’s about giving the world some of the illest hip-hop of all time.”

There’s wrestling on the first [album] and there’s wrestling in this one. I can only be me. I’m only giving the world pieces of who I am. I grew up watching wrestling and I just incorporate everything in my life into my music.

Outside of Pray for Paris, there’s been some rumors about you teaming up with Madlib for a collaboration. Any updates?

Only update I have is that it’s still happening. Everything’s just a chapter right now. After the Pray for Paris chapter I need to give the world part eight of the Hitler Wears Hermès series and then I’ll give you the project with ‘lib. That’s a lot for 2020, but you’ll definitely get all of them.

The Griselda Records lore of the past half-decade plays out like a movie. Let’s say a Griselda major motion picture comes out. Who’s directing?

Sh*t, me. (Laughs). I was there. Nobody knows the story more than Westside Gunn. Of course I could easily say Hype Williams because he hasn’t done one since Belly. We could do some sh*t like Belly in 2022 or 2023. I love how Hype did that one, I love how Dame Dash did Paid In Full — that’s one of my top five movies because that story was so incredibly shot.

Especially being from the streets and knowing the story. I’m not gonna say no Scorsese or some sh*t like that. The reason I say me is because I have the confidence. I feel like I’ll be able to capture Griselda like how Dame and Hype captured their’s.

#griselda records #westside gunn #fashion blog #music blog #pray for paris

[entergamingxp]

Down and out in Orgrimmar and London • Eurogamer.net

Spend any amount of time on any popular gaming message board when the issue of LGBT+ representation raises its head, and you can guarantee there’ll be someone waiting in the wings to, at the very least, remind LGBT+ players that it’s 2020 and ‘nobody cares they’re gay anymore’ – oh, and ‘Would you mind keeping your sexuality out of my video games?’. It’s not exactly surprising then that countless LGBT+ gamers around the world are still seeking the comfort of like-minded individuals and social spaces, both in-game and in real-life, where they’re free to be themselves without abuse, judgement, or fear of repercussions – and to simply enjoy the games they want to play.

“I think in mainstream culture there is this wishful idea that because we’ve had too many seasons of Will & Grace…things are just fine and dandy for the queers in our society,” Benjamin Bon Temps, founder of the long-running Rough Trade Gaming Community tells me, “Sadly, nothing could be further from the truth. While things are better, and the average Bubba Beercan Gamer might be more open-minded and respectful, there is still the same slew of tired asshats firing off verbal fag bombs and ‘this stupid dungeon is gay’ type bullshit.”

It’s a sentiment shared by Matthew Hardwick, co-founder of the on- and offline LGBT+ community London Gaymers; “Online spaces can be generally quite a negative experience for minorities as it is,” he says, “but with insults like ‘fag’, ‘queer’, and ‘gay’ often thrown around in a derogatory manner, it can be particularly hard for LGBT people.” By way of illustration, Hardwick relates one of his own experiences, when someone he’d played online with for over a year immediately bombarded him with abuse on finding out he was gay in party chat. “[He] said I should ‘die of AIDS’ and ‘ass cancer’ before threatening to come to my home to murder me.”

Although Hardwick admits this is one of the more extreme responses he’s encountered, the constant minefield of anti-LGBT+ vitriol can be exhausting for players – and he points to an academic study by Jason Rockwood, backed up by London Gaymers’ own research during MCM panels, which found 80% of people have heard anti-LGBT+ slurs online. When I ask Hardwick to describe these encounters in his own words, he simply responds, “Dehumanising”.

It’s for precisely these reasons that countless LGBT+ gaming communities have been established around the world in an effort to provide a safe, welcoming space for LGBT+ players and allies, and remain as popular as ever. The London Gaymers, for instance, started life as a Reddit community and Google group back in 2012, with the goal of providing a means for LGBT+ players to easily find others to enjoy video games with. “What online spaces existed already were toxic, and not very welcoming to any minority that was open about their identity,” explains Hardwick.

And if proof were needed as to how much demand there still is for welcoming social spaces for LGBT+ players, the London Gaymers has, from its humble beginnings, now grown to over 3,750 people on its Facebook Group and over 1,800 regularly visit its Discord channel. Additionally, it has active guilds and clans hosting regular gaming nights for the likes of Minecraft, Final Fantasy 14, and Sea of Thieves; it has one of the largest LGBT+ WoW guilds in Europe; there’s a dedicated space available for women, including non-LGBT+ players, looking for somewhere to play, and for other women gamers to talk to. And London Gaymers even has a pretty large Animal Crossing Turnip Exchange community too.

“Many LGBT people face an increased risk of Mental Health issues,” explains Hardwick, “Isolation, anxiety, and depression are all issues many LGBT people face. Having a group that can knock down some of the barriers to battling those by providing a friendship group and space to express yourself is important”.

Some of London Gaymers members attending real-world Pride.

Inevitably too, these online communities have gradually spilled out into the real-world, and London Gaymers now hosts LGBT+ nights focussed on everything from board games and ping pong to bowling and laser tag. Crucially, these activities help provide real-world connections and spaces some may struggle to find ordinarily. “They may be feeling isolated or nervous, and not be willing to attend gay bars without people they know they can talk to about things they are interested in,” says Hardwick, “or they may be nervous about their appearance or perception in a traditional gaming space. The group provides that intersection for LGBT people to be themselves in both their nerdy-ness and their queerness.”

These days, thanks to London Gaymers’ size and scope, the group is able to use its influence and community to assist other gaming and LGBT+ organisations. It’s hosted panels on games industry representation at MCM, given talks to studios and government departments, and it regularly embarks on fundraising efforts with its members, for charities including the likes of SpecialEffect, the Terrance Higgins Trust, LGBT Hero/GMFA, and the Albert Kennedy Trust.

In real terms though, the London Gaymers reaches but a small fraction of LGBT+ players online and around the world, and thousands of other LGBT+ gaming communities continue to thrive, each catering to different audiences and niches. One of the oldest and most established of these is the MMO-focussed Rough Trade Gaming Community, described by its founder Benjamin Bon Temps as a “counterpoint to and escape from the general immature, homophobic bro culture that still permeates gaming spaces” and, more importantly, a “fun, safe, relaxing space where people can bring their authentic selves and play together” .

“Any queer can tell you that being seen and accepted feels awesome,” he says, “and we do what we can to help make that happen for our members.”

Real-world events are an important part of London Gaymers activities.

The RTGC had its unofficial beginnings over 17 years ago, when Benjamin joined a Dark Age of Camelot guild “comprised of mostly gay dudes and a few ‘mo-friendly military guys”. The group was eager to move over to superhero MMO City of Heroes but, says Benjamin, “I knew from somewhat bitter experience in DAoC that the gaming community at the time was absolutely rancid with frequent expressions of homophobic slang. Furthermore, there was, and still is, a ‘don’t tell, don’t share’ attitude from players claiming to be tolerant and accepting, yet [who] lose their collective minds if a queer character options or storyline is introduced in their favourite game, or if you reveal the gender of your partner in guild chat.”

“Much of the social aspect in gaming happens during the downtime,” he points out, “waiting on other players, recouping between battles, repairing armour etc., and that’s when chatting about our lives happens. I’ve heard countless stories from other members of RTGC about how they’d have to lie about the gender of their partner and other details so as not to instigate the possibility of harsh comments from other intolerant players.”

While some groups prefer to offer a somewhat sanitised space for their members, Benjamin notes the RTGC is relatively unique in that it has never shied from the subject of sex. “There always seems to be a secondary censoring of queer lives and stories by the mainstream,” he explains, “something along the lines of ‘Okay, you are gay and you can talk about it a little, but nothing about your sexual acts, preferences or fetishes please’…but I’ve always been at least mildly interested in what excites people, whether it be geekery or in the sack or sling.”

And so, from that goal of building a community that didn’t just enjoy games, but celebrated all kinds of sexual expression, the Rough Trade Gaming Community was created as an “unapologetically queer [place to] celebrate geekdom and fetish life.” Benjamin admits the group “might not be everyone’s cup of tea” thanks to its openness to fetish and kink, but says he believes it’s a “good fit for the queer person who may feel too queer, too kinky, too hardcore in mainstream gay social spaces.” What’s more, it happily welcomes “heterosexual-identified players who, because of their own kink, political views, spiritual practices, or whatever else, don’t feel comfortable in standard gaming social spaces” too.

RTGC’s Taint guilds continue to have a significant presence in WoW.

“We’re also a great testing ground for those of us emerging, or considering emerging, from the closet,” says Benjamin, “We are a very welcoming bunch for the most part and online experimentation in a gaming environment can be a fun and safe way to experiment with self-expression.”

It’s a social mix that’s clearly working; the group now organises real-life meets around the likes of San Francisco and New Orleans, and Benjamin is proud to have helped build a community that can cater to both younger gamers and “an older and more mature player”.

These days the RTGC has over 9,000 active users online, split across six officially supported games (World of Warcraft, World of Warcraft Classic, Final Fantasy 14, Guild Wars 2, Elder Scrolls Online, and Phantasy Star Online 2), alongside a variety of forums and social media sites including Facebook. “Our Xtube channel has close to 2 million views,” notes Benjamin, “but honestly most of those are probably from me.”

One of the RTGC’s most high-profile activities comes in the form of Pixel Pride, an annual virtual Pride event that started out back in the group’s City of Heroes days and is now celebrating its 16th year. “We wanted to show how many players in the game were queer,” says Benjamin of that initial event, “so every queer superhero in the game wore the colour red and we flew, leapt, and teleported to a central meeting place, and had a great time.”

These days Pixel Pride takes place every July on World of Warcraft’s Proudmoore server that many of the group’s guilds calls home, and this year’s pride celebrations – which occurred last weekend – passed in a flurry of ‘donations, support, dancing, laughing, flirting, and duelling in their skivvies’.

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“Pixel Pride,” explains Benjamin, “is important because of the ease of accessibility for folks who can’t and don’t want to find parking at real world Prides, for folks who for whatever reasons can’t be fully out in the real world, and to also remind the non-queers on our servers that we are here, and we are legion, and that the toon tanking in your party, or healing your ass in a dungeon, or peeling aggro off you in PvP might be one of us, so watch your fucking language.”

Benjamin also believes Pixel Pride is valuable for those group members in rural areas too. “We know that queers can tend to flock to big cities to find their tribe, but we also have tons of players who live in remote areas as well”, he says. “I’ve heard from folks like that who are grateful for our Pixel Pride celebrations because, due to distance, or being in the closet, or mobility challenges, that is the only Pride they can safely or reasonably attend. This has, of course, become even more important during the current pandemic.”

Yet despite the obvious demand for the kind of LGBT+ communities and spaces fostered by the likes of London Gaymers and the RTGC, resistance still remains in the wider gaming community to the idea that visibility for LGBT+ players is even necessary, usually, and tellingly, alongside the declaration that ‘politics doesn’t belong in video games’.

“In much the same way a fish can’t really tell you what ‘wet’ feels like, because it is all they’ve ever known, straight folk can be blind, and sometimes stubbornly and wilfully so, to how inextricably enmeshed expressions of affection, sexuality, longing, romance etc. are in our everyday lives,” says Benjamin. “It permeates everything we experience, games included. Every game I’ve played has some element of a love interest storyline, an unrequited romance, etc. It is just fair play that some of those reflect our lives as well.”

A note from an RTGC member attesting to the importance of Pixel Pride.

The good news, though, according to London Gaymers’ Matt Hardwick, is that attitudes do slowly seem to be shifting. “Anecdotally, I would say things have improved over the years, certainly within some areas of online gaming,” he tells me, “[but] there is still a long way to go.”

“I think that developers play a big part in this. Weeding out toxic behaviour is something that a few studios say they are dedicated to but is seldom reflected in their feedback loops or reporting processes,” Hardwick continues. “Gamers at large can help by calling out the behaviour when they see or hear it. Remind them that whilst they may think it’s trash talk they have no idea how their words affect those around them. I do however appreciate this is often easier said than done and that’s why spaces like London Gaymers exists – nobody wants to paint a target on their back – but using reporting processes is always one small step that doesn’t require you to interact with trolls.”

Yet while a harmonious gaming future will ultimately benefit everyone, and is a goal worth aiming for, Benjamin doesn’t think it will spell an end to LGBT+ gaming spaces.

“It can obviously be challenging to be your true queer self, in the ‘real’ world and in-game, and a lot of old, tired attitudes and beliefs can get in the way and make that difficult to attain,” he says. “Once we have though, one of the great blessings about being queer, for me anyway, is the ability to be a little left of centre, to be slightly outside what is considered ‘normal’ or ‘average’. I think that is intensely valuable, both for queers and for the heteronormative, relative ‘centre’, to have that perspective and space for folks who don’t feel they fit in with whatever the fuck ‘normal’ is.

“For that reason, I think and hope we’ll always occupy that space, to question and challenge expected norms, ‘common wisdom’ and convention. To not have that, to have everything and everyone in one homogeneous space, would dilute the colourful and diverse part of the human experience and that would just be boring as fuck…Things could be, and certainly might be, better than they are today, but whether that happens or not, the Rough Trade Gaming Community will be here as a space for anyone fun, friendly, and ready to play.”

from EnterGamingXP https://entergamingxp.com/2020/06/down-and-out-in-orgrimmar-and-london-%e2%80%a2-eurogamer-net/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=down-and-out-in-orgrimmar-and-london-%25e2%2580%25a2-eurogamer-net

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Coachella’s 2019 Lineup Is An Expertly Crafted Vision Of Where Music Is, And Where It’s Going

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We’re only three days into 2019 and already one of music’s biggest annual talking points has arrived. Go on social media and you’ll see countless takes about how Coachella’s 2019 is its worst ever or its best, with even a few rare evenhanded approaches that paint the latest docket as neither inherently good nor evil. The reality is that your opinion of the Coachella lineup largely depends on your opinion on the state of music in 2019. As is its power and prerogative, Coachella holds up a giant mirror to the cultural zeitgeist every year, reflecting the trends and interests back. If you don’t like what you see, it isn’t the fault of Coachella, it’s more that the music trends of the time aren’t resonating with you.

Few, if any, other festivals can do this because few have Coachella’s reach and vision. Sure, virtually any festival would love to book Lady Gaga following the Super Bowl or LCD Soundsystem’s first large-scale reunion shows or a Beyonce set that felt like it stopped the world from spinning for a couple hours. But no one else can do this, in major part because of the cultural cachet that the festival was worked so hard to build. This year will be the 20th Coachella and no other music event in the world matters in quite the same way. You don’t get there by trying to please everyone, you get there by constantly pushing forward and evolving as unapologetically as the music world at large does.

So while this list of artists that will descend on the gorgeous Southern California desert in April might just look like a list of names, we can break down what it means for the state of music as a whole, starting with a pop star who owned last year thanks to her artistry, her savviness, and a narrative that showed her to be one of the bravest and most resilient public figures to emerge in ages.

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— Coachella (@coachella) January 3, 2019

Ariana Grande

Feel like Ariana Grande could be in play after the critical love she is getting for this record.

— Philip Cosores (@Philip_Cosores) August 20, 2018

There’s no question that Ariana Grande owned 2018, and there is little inclination that she is going to slow down for 2019 thanks to an expected new album, Thank U, Next. But while songs like “No Tears Left To Cry” and the title track for her upcoming record became some of the biggest of her career (enough so that she actually gave the former song a huge live debut at Coachella last year), it felt like the booking that would make the most sense for Coachella couldn’t happen due to Grande’s gnarly tour schedule. But Grande is not going to let her moment pass her up and will complete a travel schedule that is generally unheard of for an artist of her caliber: Friday and Saturday performances in Indianapolis and St. Louis respectively, with Coachella on Sunday and then back to St. Paul for her arena tour again on Monday. For week two, it gets a little easier with her Coachella set sandwiched between stops in Denver and Salt Lake City on the days before and after. With Grande now the youngest ever Coachella headliner, she’s also showing that she might be the hardest working, too, a trait that also applies to Coachella’s second-biggest headliner.

Childish Gambino

Childish Gambino was an easy headliner to predict almost a year out. He scored the biggest musical hit of his career in 2018 with “This Is America,” was nominated for a ton of Emmys for Atlanta, starred in a Star Wars movie, and made a music video that is already an all-timer. For a festival that has long loved (and catered to) the celebrity class of southern California, getting a legitimate Hollywood star to close out a night is a no-brainer. Coupling Donald Glover with Janelle Monae on Friday, another musician/actor that represents something bigger than just a recording output, gives the festival a star quality that it has rarely seen previously.

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No Kanye?

By all reports, Tame Impala seems to be the last headliner added thanks to negotiations breaking down late in the game with Kanye West. But even without Kanye on the lineup, his presence is majorly felt. Why else would Kid Cudi be so high up on the Saturday bill? And with other slots by known Kanye associates like Pusha T and 070 Shake, the stage was set for both an epic West headlining set and possible Kanye guest appearances throughout the weekend. That’s not saying this is off the table. Kanye loves showing up unannounced (and has previously done so at Coachella on numerous occasions with the likes of Jack U and The Weeknd), so we can’t count out a MAGA hat appearance just yet. But this ultimately feels like a gift to anyone that’s a little sick of Kanye’s political ramblings, as well as to rock fans who didn’t have a headliner in their preferred genre in 2018.

And let’s not discount the presence that Tame Impala’s Kevin Parker has had across genres of late, working with the likes of Travis Scott, ASAP Rocky, Zhu, and Lady Gaga. Who knows what the band has in store for 2019, but the possibilities have never felt more open. Still, this does ultimately feel like a lost opportunity for Kanye to do something special and get himself out of the doghouse in many fan’s eyes.

International Acts

Coachella has always acknowledged that it is more than just an LA festival or an American festival, and has booked accordingly throughout its run. If you walk around the polo fields, you’ll find fans traveling in from the far corners of the world just to take in the spectacle, and more and more, the sounds of non-English artists are resonating domestically. This previously manifested in acts from Mexico to serve its Spanish speaking audience and the occasional act from much farther away, like X Japan or Mbongwana Star. But because non-English language music has found its way more and more into American pop music’s consciousness, this year’s Coachella finds artists representing the worlds of Latin trap and K-pop and J-pop and reggaeton, and not just in the tiny font. Bad Bunny, J Balvin, and Blackpink all pop up on the second line and are already proving to be some of the most anticipated artists on the bill, with other acts like Hyukoh, Perfume, Rosalia, and Los Tucanes de Tijuana showing up further down the lineup. Every festival features artists from around the world, but Coachella is actively curating a festival that incorporates a global sound as diverse as the musical tastes of the general population. This really feels like a tipping point in the best possible ways.

The Music From 2019 We’re Excited To Hear

One of the most exciting aspects of festival lineup announcements is the glimpse it gives as to what is to come for the year. With Coachella, that includes someone like Solange, who has already hinted at new music to come and seems primed to make that a reality (and, it should be noted, guested with sister Beyonce last year and has previously had Beyonce guest with her at Coachella). Of course, Tame Impala falls into this category too, if mostly because the band has already played Coachella in support of their most recent album, 2015’s Currents. And in addition to already announced new music from artists like Maggie Rogers, Gesaffelstein, and The 1975, we now know to expect likely new tunes from Beach Fossils, Kaytranada, Four Tet, and others. And of course there is the possibility that headliner Childish Gambino has a record to offer before April.

Philip Cosores

The Best Music Of 2018

This is an argument I make every year, but I’m going to make it again. When you think of the ideal music festival, wouldn’t it be filled with the very best music that has been created in the last year. Like, isn’t that the hope? And like it does every year, Coachella is filled with just that. Kacey Musgraves, Janelle Monae, The 1975, Soccer Mommy, Ariana Grande, Jon Hopkins, and Pusha T all placed highly on our best albums of the year, while Childish Gambino, Unknown Mortal Orchestra, Juice WRLD, Sheck Wes, Ella Mai, Anderson Paak, Zedd, and Chvrches all found their way onto our best songs list. In our genre categories, we featured Playboi Carti, YG, King Princess, Kero Kero Bonito, Smino, Christine And The Queens, Sophie, Turnstile, Hop Along, Blood Orange, Let’s Eat Grandma, and U.S. Girls. And both Rico Nasty and Maggie Rogers were named on our best concerts list. In all, it’s hard to figure how a lineup could better represent the best of what music has to offer in exactly this moment.

And Not To Mention…

And even with all these shout-outs, it feels like Coachella does not run out of talking points. How about a DJ set from Stringer Bell himself, Idris Elba? Or great local artists like Steady Holiday, The Garden, and Ty Segall & White Fence? What about finding out whetherGucci Gang, the collaboration between Gucci Mane, Lil Pump, and Smokepurpp, ends up being any good? Or whether the festival’s resident old dudes, Weezer and Aphex Twin, can attract the young kids? Rising stars like Khalid, Billie Eilish, Tierra Whack, and H.E.R. will have coming out parties in the desert, while buzzy underground artists like Yves Tumor and Khurangbin will have the chance to see if they can make sense in a more pop-oriented environment. In all, this is what music is in 2019, and whether or not that resonates with you depends on how you view the state of music as a whole. Popular music in 2019 is younger, more diverse, possibly not even in English, and cares little about the traditional gatekeepers that decided what was cool. And that’s what Coachella is now, too. It’s not about what Coachella was, it’s about what Coachella will continue to be.

source https://uproxx.com/music/coachella-2019-lineup-reaction/

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