#i relapsed during summer 2023

[mainfaggot]

tw eating disorder talk in the tags btw. just me being open for the first time in a long time but no numbers or specifics that could be triggering do nawt worry

#i was hospitalized for an nervosa in jan 2022 #and since then i have relapsed two times in the past two years #i was reading my journals and food logs from the inpatient and outpatient progreams #and wow. i was so fucking unwell #two years ago i was so severely depressed and so severely malnourished #i was incredibly frail in every sense. it was scary. I thought I'd die of starvation before suicide at one point #but ever since i was released in the spring of 2022 i told myself that if i wanted to kill myself it wouldn't be from an eating disorder #because I'd want to eat a nice last meal at least 😭💀 #also because the way i was suffering at my worst was terrifying and so painful in the slowest way possible #skip to present day #i relapsed during summer 2023 #i was restricting my intake+over exercising+lost almost all the weight that i was restored to and was getting frail in every sense again #but i was running on adrenaline and i was working 6-15 hours a week and cooking 'for fun' so no one noticed #it was not fun cooking btw i was being neurotic about portions and calories and ingredients #LOL anyway #I've been in a semi recovery period for the past 4 months #but over the past 2-3 weeks I've been struggling really hard mentally again #like i feel insane. i cant turn off the calorie counter in my mind. i cant eat certain things out of pure unfiltered anxiety. im clinging #to this feeling of immediate and temporary relief that i get from controlling things #i follow my meal plan provided by my registered dietitian and psychologist but #i get so anxious about it and it's crazy how fixated i get on different aspects of what/how im eating #it's like over time I've become orthorexic. HELP anyway #the point is. this break has made me have so many deep urges to go back to restricting and getting worse #for the sake of temporary and immediate relief + a sense of control #but i realised that as much as i feel i need to be in control. it's not worth it #it felt worth it over the summer but it wasn't because the c psych and RD wanted me to try another hospital program if i couldn't get myself #back on track with just their help #like being informed that my routine of neurosis was worse than i thought was so . unexpected #i thought i was fine. it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it was back in late 2021 or early 2022 #but it was bad! i had low blood pressure i was getting hypoglycemic i was dizzy i was lightheaded i was getting sick every month

[anapisces]

Okay so

Today is January 17th, 2023 and I am officially back on track

I have let myself go so much during the summer and did absolutely 0 efforts to try and stop myself.

Now I got a new office job and a new boyfriend (well I started the job in November and I got with my boyfriend in September so it's not that new)

But I am officially back on track, tracking food, no eating between meals, no dinner and super light breakfast and lunches.

I'm not trying to go back as a pro ana account but I hope I can use the tricks I got during all my relapses to try and make myself a good healthy diet.

I can do this. Yep.

Ps: posting this so I can be accountable for the 3 people who might give a shit👀❤️

#Diet #Healthy diet #diet plan #low cal #high restriction #meal plan #bpd shit #pls help

[g-kat423]

I'm glad that you've eaten, but your girl dinner is making me a bit concerned, but you did say you're not really that hungry, but I'm worried you will be later, but you said you'd be making breakfast by then, so I guess it's all good, unless your breakfast is another few pieces of salami and a handful of grapes...

I appreciate the concern, but the end of this message is coming off as a bit passive aggressive. Forgive me if you didn’t mean it that way, it’s hard to interpret the tone of text on its own.

Trust me, I eat enough. More than enough most days.

A general trigger warning for eating disorders and calorie counting. I feel it’s necessary to explain myself so people can understand where I’m coming from. Gonna put this under a read more

Before waking up and having the salami and grapes, I had around 1700 calories. I am an avid MyFitnessPal user and I haven’t gone a day without it apart from my inpatient stint in august of 2022 where I wasn’t allowed a phone. Even if I didn’t eat, that’s a perfectly fine amount of food for someone who is going on 31 years old and isn’t all that active due to chronic health issues.

I won’t deny my history of having an eating disorder. I’m not currently diagnosed(originally diagnosed with anorexia at 17 and later bulimia which became my main struggle for years), but if I did speak to a professional, I’d likely be diagnosed with OSFED or nothing at all because my weight and behaviors don’t currently match up with any anorexia subtype or bulimia since I no longer purge(apart from one slip up back in December which was the first time I had purged in 2 years).

Currently, my focus is on maintaining a certain weight range and curbing binge eating behaviors so I’m less likely to engage in harmful compensatory behaviors like severe restriction/fasting/purging.

When my health took a nose dive in 2022, I already wasn’t in the best place. My weight was the highest it had ever been because I had gotten into a horrible habit of comfort eating during the worst of the pandemic. It was the only vice I had. I lost weight pretty rapidly over the course of may 2022-may 2023 because I kept getting worse and instead of seeking comfort through food, I sought control in the only way I could, my weight. I couldn’t control my pain, I couldn’t control that doctors wouldn’t listen to me, but I could control how much food did or didn’t go into my body. I reached my lowest adult weight ever and likely would have gotten to a dangerous point, but by some miracle a doctor finally listened and I was able to get my pain under control. I had the desire to live and eat again. I needed the fuel to go on the walks I was so excited to be able to do again. I gained up to a healthier weight where I was active/energetic and able to maintain that for months, but then the combination of my surgery and the holidays, I fell back into comfort eating. While I’m still a healthy weight, I am not as lean as I’d like to be. I was much happier in the body I had over the summer because I was skinny, but in a healthy way for my height/age. I’m looking to get back to that so it really doesn’t hurt me to eat in a deficit, in fact that’s my secondary goal to curbing the urge to overeat.

TL;DR

I do have a history of an ED but I don’t feel at risk for a full blown relapse. I’m also not one of those people who can eat intuitively. Even when I had outpatient treatment for my ED, while I initially didn’t track calories, I had a structured meal plan. The reality is, If I want to maintain a certain weight, I have to track my calories because when I don’t, I always default back to overeating and binge eating behaviors. I’ve accepted that that’s just how it’s going to be for me because binge eating to obesity, which I did, was just as unhealthy for me as starving myself down to underweight. There’s also diabetes in my family and heart disease on top of my own health issues like POTS and the likely connective tissue disorder so it’s best I stay on top of things and strive for controlled eating habits and a leaner physique.

#anon