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gay-snom · 3 years

Text

contextualizing lwj’s coming to terms with his feelings subplot!

i wanna talk about the role of confucianism in this subplot because i think it’s something some western fans might not pick up on. basically, the sociopolitical climate of confucianism in his character arc, and a little bit about his interaction with the public image theme.

disclaimer: i’m not chinese but i do have a double minor in chinese and asian studies and have written a few papers on confucianism.

we’re gonna be talking about the novel bc i feel its a little more in-depth and nuanced than lwj’s “what is black, what is white” monologue in cql. namely the tension and misunderstanding in wwx’s first life and how lwj got his scars. i feel like it’s pretty well accepted that wwx made lwj reconsider his world view, so i’m just gonna expand on it. also i want to point out it's pretty unspoken in most of the text, but lwj is also affected by/used to explore the public image themes, as his image the is ideal confucian scholar.

confucianism is centered around the ideas of how to behave “good” in sociopolitical contexts. basically it boils down to a belief system on how society should be run. if everyone follows confucian beliefs, you will have an ideal society. the main text is the Analects, which you can read here. it’s been around for a few thousand years (like around 200 BCE ish), had a huge revival in the tang dynasty (618-907 CE). it was put on imperial exams, the emperor’s cabinet had confucian scholars, etc. this is just to say confucian values are important to historic society, especially upper-class scholars, which seems to be a role cultivators commonly fill in xianxia. here are some basic tenants:

being a gentleman/scholar/superior man (君子 jūn zǐ) : partly being learned in the arts, literature, music, poetry, etc., mostly behaving righteously and dutifully.

filial piety: usually described as obedience. it's not simply obeying everything elders tell you, it includes doing it with reverence and thankfulness for their sacrifices for you.

leading by example: if leaders/the government is righteous, the people will follow. lwj has his flock of juniors that are all strong cultivators and the lan sect is just generally known for being moral and good.

rites/rituals: a focus on politeness and holding proper ceremonies, sacrifices, and funerals

speech: there’s some great meta about the register he speaks in here, i just want to touch on think carefully before you speak, only speak sincerely, etc.

tldr; lwj is THE perfect gentleman (even his title contains the character suffix 君 -jūn, like lxc. which, while this character is not uncommon for cultivator titles, it wasn’t chosen carelessly either. also not to be confused with 尊 -zūn). seriously, look at almost all of book 10 and you'll see don't do/consume in excess, don't talk during meals, sit only when your mat is straight, etc.

okay, so Why is understanding his feelings for wwx so troublesome?

1.2 "They are few who, being filial and fraternal, are fond of offending against their superiors. There have been none, who, not liking to offend against their superiors, have been fond of stirring up confusion... Filial piety and fraternal submission! - are they not the root of all benevolent actions?"

in other words, people who are filial will never create political tension. so like, morally, wwx should be considered horrible person! he’s not only snubbed the jiang sect. he was a head disciple who undoubtedly had younger students looking up to him. and then he goes and stirs up some huge political issues! he is now a bad role model for the people below him and disrespected the people above him. lwj has an entire image to uphold, he has poured his entire life into following these rules and beliefs, and then wwx comes along. would continuing to be in wwx's life taint lwj? there are some contradicting teachings in regards to interacting with wwx:

15.4: "Do not take counsel with those who follow a different Way"

15.28: "When the multitude hates a person, you must examine them and judge for yourself. The same holds true for someone whom the multitude love."

15.36 "When it comes to being Good, defer to no one, not even your teacher."

this is part of the reason lwj had so much trouble accepting his feelings. he didn’t know how to handle this situation, making him appear distant during/directly after sunshot. if he judges wwx's intentions to be pure, it's then not wrong to be friendly with him. but wwx still is morally wrong by society's standards. now, lwj has to not only figure out his feelings, but also reconcile this with how he still thinks wwx is Not a bad person, despite everything. what if he does get "tainted" by wwx? will it hurt the reputation of his sect? that would be un-filial, right? he spent his whole life memorizing rules that are probably extremely similar to sections in the Analects, and now these mixed messages (coupled with the relatable gay panic) are overwhelming.

onto the next! there’s something unspoken in the scene where wwx discovers why lwj has the whip scars. as other posts have mentioned, lwj taking wwx back to the burial mounds and nursing him is high treason. however, this action is also extremely un-filial. also his entire image is built around being a perfect gentleman, if this were to get out to the public he would lose absolutely everything. he would be just as irreparable as wwx.

“I was worried if those from another sect found you first, WangJi would be considered your accomplice. The best scenario was his name being forever tainted, and the worst was his life being taken away right then. Thus, along with Uncle, we chose thirty three seniors who had always thought highly of WangJi... ”

there’s no way lwj didn’t know what would happen if he did this. obviously as lxc says, if this got out, he would lose basically his entire face. and even though lxc didn’t mention this, it would definitely lose a lot of face for the lan sect as well since lwj is so prominent. the decision about what elders to bring is also notable.

“...As if he knew all along he would be discovered by us, he said that there was nothing to explain, that this was it. Growing up, he had never talked back to Uncle, not even once. But for you, not only did WangJi talk back to him, he even met with his sword the cultivators from the Gusu Lan sect...”

so yeah, he obviously knew they would come for him and what the consequences would be. and he still talked back! that’s already not a good look for the lan sect. but attacking them? totally unforgivable! lwj gives up how he was raised and the importance of filial piety, what he has held on to until this major plot event. since it's basically the biggest "fuck you" to his uncle and his clan, this was not a decision he made lightly. lwj shows them he cares more about wwx and His Own ideas of right and wrong than the sect’s or society’s.

Wei WuXian dug his hands into his hair, “...I-I didn’t know... I really...”

when was the last time wwx was at a loss for words? wwx spends a few paragraphs after this lamenting how he hurt lwj, but he's not unaware of the gravity of what lwj did. it's an underlying assumption from being raised in the culture. i would argue his first instinct is "oh god he gave up what for me?" since those lamenting paragraphs are after lxc finishes speaking.

"But he said... that he could not say with certainty whether what you did was right or wrong..."

this is something thrown around a lot in the Analects, that not even confucius can say for sure what is right or wrong. what better way to show lwj is still a perfect confucian than have him paraphrase confucius himself?

“...WangJi was a model for the disciples when he was young, and a prominent cultivator when he grew up. In his whole life he had been honest and righteous and immaculate--you were the only mistake he made!”

here’s the confirmation that the world and even his family thinks of him as a perfect gentleman, the top tier of society, and it was all thrown away for wwx. this is just so heavy. the mistake thing? thats not only because lwj is fraternizing with an enemy. lxc and the rest of the sect who knew are terrified this will forever corrupt lwj personally, not just publicly. lwj was so devoted to believing this was the right thing to do he offered up everything he had. the gravity of this decision is insane. it’s very obvious that he loves wwx, it’s just that he struggles a lot internally to accept everything that is happening.

as for helping wwx leave after the massacre, is this gentleman-ly of lwj? was it actually in-line with his image? is it more honorable to save someone who is dying, at the cost of your own health, than to look away? isn't looking away a form of resentment? i wasn't able to find a specific passage about bystander-ness, but personally i think it qualifies as "bad intentions." there is also this passage for what it's worth, originally it was about government suppression:

12.19: "...What do you say to killing the unprincipled for the good of the principled?" Confucius replied, "...why should you use killing at all?..."

lwj is always more actions than words, and he was not fucking around. his core beliefs really haven't changed, and remain very strong throughout his life. he is still righteous enough to accept his punishment, graceful enough to search for wwx's body since there was no one else to do the funeral rites (10.22/10.15), caring enough to take in a-yuan, upright enough to still spend his years going where the chaos is.

just with this one action, the audience knows he has come to terms with realizing that authority isn't always just, and neither is the public opinion/opinion of other gentlemen. he has reconciled. this is him standing for what he believes is right. this is his devotion. this is his own choice. just. poetic cinema...

anyway that's it for my first meta post! i would love to hear your thoughts, feelings, opinions, discussions, other meta ideas, whatever! thank u for reading! <3

#its My post and i get to pick the subplot #i have...brainworms #wwx and lwj are foils in the public image theme change my mind #mdzs #mdzs meta #lan wangji #mo dao zu shi #stfu #meta

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robininthelabyrinth · 4 years

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Lan Qiren is in Qinghe for whatever reason, and hears JGY playing for NMJ. He recognizes the melody, but now what? They just came out of a war, the Lans are still weakened. He cannot go against the Jins alone, he learned that his nephews are as stubborn as their fatheir in their love and doesn't want LXC stuck in the middle, the Jiangs are still weak and recovering. There's only one person who can help him save his nephew's brother/boyfriend/soulmate/fiance/something? LQR visits Yiling.

Lan Qiren had once wanted to be a travelling musician, before his elder brother ruined both their lives.

He’d always been sensitive to music, even more so than most of his clan. When he was very young, he’d told his mother about the music he could hear all the time, in his head, the good music and the bad, the harmonious and the discordant, and she’d gently stroked his forehead and told him that one day he would learn to play something so beautiful that he could drown it all out.

He never had.

She was gone now, his mother, heart-broken and aged faster than she should have – another casualty of his brother’s selfishness, that he called love. Lan Qiren never denied that his brother’s song was a love song, the pure notes of the xiao calling out to a dream lover, beckoning but never summoned in return; it was only that long before his brother had met his wife he had already heard the way the high treble of his song was unstable, straining, powerful but without foundation. The direction of the music was the wrong way around, however beautiful: too many high notes, untethered to reality – untethered to anything, really.

Not to family, not to duty, nothing.

He didn’t care about anything, his brother. Only himself.

Lan Qiren still played, of course. He’d never been especially good at fighting – that had been the specialty of the mighty Qingheng-jun, noble and above it all – and it turned out he was a fairly good teacher, of music and cultivation and morality. That worked out for everyone: it meant he could stay home, where it was safe, and govern the affairs of the Lan sect to ensure that there was something there for his nephews to inherit.

He was never allowed to go travelling.

Still, it wasn’t all bad. Even if his brother renounced the world, he had given Lan Qiren his nephews. Beautiful children, both of them: the simple song of cleansing for Lan Xichen, the child who smiled as lightly as the breeze; the complex chords of Inquiry for Lan Wangji, the serious child who thought too much.

Lan Qiren tried to do his best by them both, however clumsily: he tried to teach them duty, to teach them the importance of family, he tried to teach them compassion – he tried to try to stamp out his brother’s instability and inability to recognize the damage his actions could do, and did, to others. His brother had been a genius, and his children inherited his talent, but Lan Qiren would not let them become arrogant, as he had become, to think that because of their talent the road before them would always be smooth – such that the first stumble would be enough to cast them down into the abyss.

The war, and their father’s death, taught them that better than he could ever have.

Lan Qiren was not a very good fighter, and an even worse general, but he did whatever he could. He had prepared Lan Xichen as much as possible for the position of sect leader, though he’d thought there would still be years and years before his nephew would have to take it up; in the end, Lan Xichen inherited it too early but still excelled, keeping his head and remembering to think things through.

Lan Wangji was earnest and hardworking, as Lan Qiren had once been; he protected what he could, did what he could, and never sought fame instead of helping the helpless.

Lan Qiren was very proud of both of them.

He only hoped he had done enough for them.

It was usually Lan Wangji he worried about, both in the past and today: he had the family stubbornness, their tendency towards blind faith, and he too often associated with bad company, which made Lan Qiren afraid.

His brother had loved a murderess, and sought to help her escape her punishment no matter what justice required – how dare you pardon her, he’d screamed at his brother all those years ago, don’t you remember that the man she murdered was my teacher too, that I loved him, that his wife grieves for him, that his children are orphaned, who cares if you love her, she still needs to pay for what she’s done, and his brother had shrugged it all off and said I have decided and because he was sect leader there was nothing Lan Qiren could do about it – and Lan Wangji is altogether too fond of Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian, the Yiling Patriarch, who reminded Lan Qiren very much of her.

Lan Qiren had taught himself over the years not to hate her, his brother’s beloved with blood on her hands, for the death of his dreams and the cage of duty that had come down around him; those could only be ascribed to his brother. He still felt justified in hating her for the death of his teacher, who had been kind and strict and perhaps a little silly, overly moral, a stickler – he had only tried to stop wrongdoing, as he always had, and she had killed him in the defense someone she had believed was in the right without a shred of evidence, based on nothing but her belief that they wouldn’t lie to her.

Foolish.

That was the true tragedy of it. For all the damage she ultimately wrought upon his life, she was in the end little more than a stupid little girl who was, in her own way, deceived by love.

Friendship, too, was love.

Lan Qiren had brought her the signed confession of her dear friend, the woman she’d called her sister, the proof that that ‘sister’ of hers had in fact committed the crimes that the teacher had accused her of and that her counter-accusation against him had been fabricated purely as a distraction – you killed an innocent man, he had told her, voice cold, because you couldn’t be bothered to think for yourself – and that had been the thing that had made her finally realize that she would spend the rest of her life in a prison for what she had done. That there was no rescue, no reprieve; that this was the consequence of what she had done, the penalty she would have to pay, and she might as well make the best of it.

He’d finally had a nephew, the year after that.

It had been the only thing he could think to do for his brother, who despite everything he loved to the bone. They were all fools for love, in his family.

At least Lan Xichen had found himself a good love.

His childhood friend, who was as honest and upright as he was: Nie Mingjue was solemn and sincere, in need of someone to cheer him up, and Lan Xichen had no greater pleasure in life than trying to coax out his rare smiles.

Lan Qiren enjoyed ‘accidentally’ bumping into the Nie boy whenever he snuck out of the hanshi at odd hours, if only because it consistently made the other man look as though he was regretting being born. They were so shy about it, even though Lan Qiren had made it clear that he wouldn’t stand in their way as long as they did their duties to their respective families in regards to children.

Perhaps it wasn’t him that they were worried about. The rest of the world might not be so understanding; he couldn’t blame them for treasuring their love between them as if it were a tender flame that might blow out if exposed to the fierce wind.

He still enjoyed teasing them both.

This evening, though, it had been different.

Nie Mingjue’s face had been flushed red, as it always was, and he made his excuses as if they pained him – he’d never enjoyed hiding, would tell the world if Lan Xichen would let him – and that was all quite normal, but there was something wrong with his song. It was usually a steady beat, militant and powerful and inspiring, but it was oddly out of tune, another melody forcing its way in.

It wasn’t the gentle strains of two songs merging, each one yielding to the other, two songs joining together in harmony to become one – this was a clash, one melody suppressing the other and knocking it out of joint. Dangerous, disharmonic –

It sounded like poison.

It sounded like – Lan Xichen?

Lan Qiren bid Nie Mingjue a hasty farewell, forgoing his usual gentle mockery, and retreated to his own home, breathing hard. It was impossible, what he had heard, utterly impossible.

Lan Xichen would never – he loved Nie Mingjue.

Though – he loved Jin Guangyao, too, who presented himself as polite and gentle but whose inner tune was always a step off beat, sometimes too slow, at other times too frenzied. With such uneven music in his heart, it was always a surprise to Lan Qiren that Jin Guangyao could play instruments as well as he could, manipulating them with his clever fingers until they did what he wanted them to.

Lan Xichen loved Jin Guangyao, and Nie Mingjue did not, and…

There were always ways to resolve that sort of thing.

No. Lan Qiren knew his nephew, or thought he did. Lan Xichen was sincere in his affections, honest and righteous, and more than that he was caring – he would never, never, never murder one lover to more easily replace him with another.

And yet.

Lan Qiren recognized the song that was stealing into Nie Mingjue’s body, leeching away his self-control and pushing him slowly towards an agonizing death. It was Clarity, a song he had taught Lan Xichen with his own two hands, and the invading song was Turmoil, a collection in the Forbidden Library that no one but the sect elders could access – though such a restriction did not apply to the sect leader.

He hadn’t thought Lan Xichen had looked at those songs, but he had been the one who had taken their collection of books with him when he fled the Cloud Recesses. There would have been plenty of time to look over them, to learn them, to –

No.

Lan Qiren couldn’t believe it. He wouldn’t believe it. Even if the portions of the song that were Clarity sounded like a perfect replica of the way Lan Xichen played the melody, each pause and each start characteristic of his nephew – he would not believe it, not for nothing.

Not until there was proof.

He’d spent so long trying to save his nephews from his brother’s mistake – he would not now allow them to fall into their mother’s: of being too quick to judge, too trusting, too blind.

He would find out what happened first, and only then decide.

But how could he investigate? Lan Qiren knew himself: he did not have the power to take the journeys that would undoubtedly be necessary to find out what had happened, still healing as he was from the wounds of war; the strain on his heart would likely kill him. Lan Wangji had the musical talent to do it, and do it well, but it would break his heart even to ask him to consider his brother a suspect. But there was no one else so skilled in music, who lived with it day in and day out, who used it even above a sword –

There was one.

He wants to bring someone back to Gusu, uncle, to hide them, Lan Xichen had told him, his eyes troubled; they had both known without saying who that person was. I don’t know what to do. The things they are saying about him…

At that time, Lan Qiren had opposed any attempt to reach out to Wei Wuxian, that troublesome brat. He had still hoped that by putting distance between them, Lan Wangji would eventually learn to forget or at least learn to think clearly, but that was clearly not working.

He would write a letter, he decided, and send it off at once. There was no need for an introduction: Lan Qiren had been the boy’s teacher once – a teacher for a day, a father for a lifetime, no matter that they’d never one gotten along – and anyway, Wei Wuxian had been planning on leaving his mountain soon in order to attend his nephew’s first month’s party, to which he had been invited.

Lan Qiren would ask him to come to Gusu first, instead of heading to Lanling directly through the Qiongi Path. He would offer him the protection of the Lan sect in the event that someone in the Jin clan thought to make trouble, a safe harbor to go to Lanling and to return unscathed, and in return he would ask Wei Wuxian to help him figure out what had happened.

He would prove his nephew’s innocence, even if only to himself.

And perhaps he could even use the same occasion to explain to Wei Wuxian why he should let Lan Wangji go, or at minimum why he should exercise the greatest caution in the future, knowing that if he dragged himself down he would be dragging down another with him…

Yes, that was what he would do.

#mdzs #nielan #nie mingjue #lan xichen #lan qiren #wangxian #lan wangji #wei wuxian #my fic #my fics #you know that feeling when you're indifferent about a character and then you write them and suddenly you have feelings?#that's this fic #amethystshipper #polyphonic

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ibijau · 3 years

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I saw a post about, not sure where god!lxc fic goes next? I assume nhs insists on going back to the cave to make a proper offering. Lxc accompanies b/c nhs is still a little sick and nmj is busy. Nhs continues panicking about this uber-powerful god. Lxc enjoys the offering, it's nice, but not the panicking, and hey he committed to being honest? so he tells nhs he's the god. This does not have the calming effect he was hoping for --the anon who got super excited about god!lxc can't read sideplot

ok so, didn’t quite use all of that, but big thanks anon for giving me a way to at least write a little more on that AU which is very dear to me

Price of Wishes on AO3 (can’t remember my tumblr tag for it... orz)

Lan Xichen stares at the altar.

It is a small one, hurriedly installed among others inside the Unclean Realm. Its only decoration is a bolt of pale embroidered fabric from which Nie Huaisang apparently once wanted to have a robe made, and a portrait of Lan Xichen that Nie Huaisang personally painted, as promised in the temple. It doesn’t look like Lan Xichen does in this mortal form, and it probably doesn’t look the way he once did as a god, but the main attributes of his last remaining statue are there.

How long has it been since he was granted a new altar? Not since before this Nie sect even came to be, he thinks.

And now not only was he given this altar, but there are offerings on it. Nie Huaisang put incense to burn and offered flowers and rice, yes, but surprisingly others did the same, and thanked Lan Xichen for keeping their young master safe when he ran away. Even the stern Nie Mingjue, who clearly didn’t share his brother’s certainty about a godly intervention, still lit up some incense and bowed before the altar, simply because he realised how much it mattered to Nie Huaisang.

It had been a flight of fancy to help that boy and get him into the temple, just a sudden impulse to feel like a real god again, but Lan Xichen finds himself more than rewarded for this kindness. If he can keep this up, if they continue honouring him, he might well survive a century more.

Lan Xichen had forgotten what hope feels like.

But hope or not, Lan Xichen knows to whom he owes this. As days pass, he sticks close to Nie Huaisang, who is currently his strongest believer. Even the old lady, dear to Lan Xichen as she is, never had such unwavering faith in his power. She prays to him mostly out of habit, while Nie Huaisang does so out of conviction. Being near him feels like stepping into the sun after an eternity in darkness, and Lan Xichen cannot get enough of the sensation.

Besides, if they are to be married, he needs to know more about the young man whose life he will share.

Nie Huaisang is an interesting person, Lan Xichen thinks. He acts a little spoiled, but of course he is young, and Lan Xichen vaguely understands that the Nie family has gone through rough times in the recent past, and Nie Huaisang’s childishness might be how he dealt with it. At his core, Nie Huaisang is more serious than he lets on. For example, he is determined to fully repay the debt he contracted toward Lan Xichen. The altar he set up is but a first step. In spite of his brother’s warnings, Nie Huaisang has inquired what it would cost to have a safe road to the mountain temple, just as he promised to do. In fact, he goes beyond his promise, determined to find every possible detail about Lan Xichen so that he may be worshipped properly. To that end, he spends day after day in Qinghe Nie’s immensely rich library, reading through books with a speed which astonishes Lan Xichen, writing letters to make inquiries as if it is the easiest thing in the world.

Lan Xichen thinks Nie Huaisang might just be the cleverest person he has ever met, and the most stubborn as well. Both are qualities he appreciates in a follower, and in a person.

It’s quite funny to Lan Xichen to realise that Nie Huaisang is considered lazy. Perhaps he only puts efforts into things that interest him. Lan Xichen, of course, is glad to be one of those things.

In general, he’s just glad to be around Nie Huaisang. The steady warmth of belief is quite nice, of course, but that’s not the only reason. Nie Huaisang, although he apparently realises to some degree that Lan Xichen shouldn’t exist as a mortal, still tries hard to be kind to him. He gives him delicious foods, and tries to find subtle ways to look for gaps in Lan Xichen’s knowledge of the mortal world so he can fill him in and help him fit in better. He is a pleasant person to talk to, a pleasant person to silently spend time with, a pleasant person to look at even, his youthful face showing every sign that he will develop into a handsome man someday.

In just this little time, Lan Xichen finds himself quite fond of this little mortal. It won’t be unpleasant to marry him as agreed.

First, though, Nie Huaisang must mature. And part of that means heading out toward the Cloud Recesses, where Lan Xichen himself is supposed to come from, according to the narrative Nie Huaisang demanded in his prayer. It is a stressful perspective, since Lan Xichen isn’t sure he is quite strong enough to shift reality around people who have much stronger reasons to refuse his intrusion into their life, but he will try his best. It is the deal he made with Nie Huaisang, and he will see it through.

To Lan Xichen’s relief, just before they are set to head south toward Gusu, Nie Huaisang begs his brother for a full ceremony at the mountain temple, with incense and prayers and everything that can be done to honour Lan Xichen. Nie Mingjue grumbles and complains and even gets angry, but he eventually gives in, as seems to be common for him when his brother makes a request. Nie Mingjue is a wise man, and he apparently understands that little can be done when Nie Huaisang is in a mood to be stubborn about something.

So the three of them head out into the mountain, followed by a few Nie disciples who carry food offerings and some tools to clean the temple.

The temple’s floors are swiped clean. Rubbles are removed. The nearly faceless statue has its layers of dust carefully cleaned away by Nie Huaisang who climbed on its pedestal so he can reach every part, revealing details that Lan Xichen himself had forgotten. There are even some traces of colour here and there.

“I’ll have to make another portrait,” Nie Huaisang notes. “Mine isn’t accurate at all after all.”

“I’m sure this god is already more than happy with what you have given him,” Lan Xichen says, lifting his gaze from the altar he’s wiping clean. It is a struggle to keep himself from crying from joy, and his voice comes out a little strangled, but Nie Huaisang doesn’t appear to notice.

“I need to do better,” Nie Huaisang says with a shiver. “I cannot risk offending him.”

He sounds almost afraid, and his hands tremble slightly as he carefully dusts the statue. Lan Xichen stares at him a moment more, and sighs.

However pleasant everything else has been, this is one thing that doesn’t sit right with him. For whatever reason, Nie Huaisang seems to be afraid of his god self, and it taints his every prayer. This doesn’t change the value of those prayers, it doesn’t make his belief any less strong and valuable, but Lan Xichen can feel that fear almost constantly and he doesn’t enjoy it. He is too used to the old lady’s belief, simple and companionable. She treats him like an old friend to whom she can make requests, and he wishes Nie Huaisang would do the same. They are set to be married, it is the deal, and Lan Xichen doesn’t like the idea of a union set in fear.

“I am sure that god would not be offended,” Lan Xichen quietly insists. “You haven’t found anything about him in all your books and your letters, have you? So he must not be a very important god, and your efforts are sure to have been noticed and appreciated.”

“But it’s not enough,” Nie Huaisang retorts, gritting his teeth. “It can’t be enough. Nothing I do is ever enough, there’s got to be more I could do!”

Lan Xichen frowns, and looks around until his eyes land on Nie Mingjue. He heard this, and is staring at his brother with some concern.

From what Lan Xichen understands, the reason Nie Huaisang took refuge in his temple a few weeks ago was because of a great argument with Nie Mingjue regarding his capacity to do… nearly anything, really. Nie Mingjue, taking Lan Xichen as the confident Nie Huaisang asked that he be, admitted to him one day that he is terribly worried for his brother’s future. There might be a war, he said, and Nie Mingjue could die in it and leave Nie Huaisang alone to lead their sect before his time. Nie Mingjue confessed he is terrified that the elders of their clan won’t respect Nie Huaisang because his mother was of lesser birth, that some of their cousins will attempt to rob him of his birthright, that even if he becomes sect leader he will not be respected and some people will try to take advantage of his inexperience. So Nie Mingjue pushes his brother as hard as he can, demanding more efforts, more results, but it is all in vain because Nie Huaisang has stubbornly decided he isn’t good at anything that matters, and refuses to try anymore.

It was a terrible argument they had that day, Nie Mingjue said. And then, proving all his fears right, Nie Huaisang nearly died after running away and catching a fever, showing to all his future enemies how vulnerable a target he would be without Nie Mingjue to protect him. At the same time, that Nie Huaisang was ready to run away showed that he took it to heart every time he was scolded for not doing more, and now Nie Mingjue doesn’t know how to handle him anymore.

After Nie Mingjue confided in him this way, Lan Xichen promised he would look after Nie Huaisang, no matter what. It is part of the deal, as far as he’s concerned, because spouses must support one another, but also…

Lan Xichen is quickly becoming quite fond of this pair of brothers. Having been lonely for so long, he finds joy in the closeness they share, no matter how strained it might be at times. It is clear to him that Nie Mingjue loves his brother, though he struggles to show it when he has so much on his mind, and Nie Huaisang feels the same, to the point it was inconceivable for him to marry someone who wouldn’t be friendly with Nie Mingjue.

“Nie gongzi, you’ve done all you could for that statue,” Lan Xichen says, grabbing Nie Huaisang by the waist and pulling him down from the pedestal.

Nie Huaisang squeaks in surprise, fighting for a second before going rigid with fear as Lan Xichen puts him down. His face is a bright crimson when he looks up at Lan Xichen, who wonders whether that’s anger at being manhandled this way, but the other Nie just start laughing at his expression.

“Don’t seduce my brother like that, Xichen,” Nie Mingjue scolds, more of a joke than a real warning. “Look at him, he’s two heartbeat from asking for your hand now.”

Amazingly, Nie Huaisang manages to blush an even brighter colour, and leaps away from Lan Xichen. Nie Mingjue laughs again, apparently content with his brother’s perceived crush. Perceived, or real. Lan Xichen isn’t really sure what goes on in Nie Huaisang’s mind. He can feel is never ending flood of belief, the undercurrent of fear, but no particular affection so far. Then again, with fear that strong, it would be hard for any other emotion to flourish. Lan Xichen hasn’t wanted to talk directly about their situation yet, assuming that Nie Huaisang might want the illusion that this is all perfectly normal, but he’s rethinking that strategy. It is clear that Nie Huaisang, for whatever reason, is immune to the narrative that Lan Xichen created for his sake, so why not talk about it openly? If it can make Nie Huaisang any less afraid…

That is a problem for later. Right now, the temple is as clean as can be achieved with what little time they have available, so Nie Mingjue conducts the ceremonies necessary to consecrate the temple again, and invites Lan Xichen to inhabit again this place dedicated to him. Incense is put to burn for him, offerings are left on the altar, thanks and prayers are presented to him. Even Nie Mingjue, so openly reluctant to believe that there was any divine intervention to help his brother survive in the mountain, does provide a small stream of belief, hinting at a mind just as strong as his brother’s. Lan Xichen hopes that they can truly become friends over time, though he is unsure that’s possible with the lies he’s had to weave so he could fulfill Nie Huaisang’s request.

Still, there’s no harm in trying. If Lan Xichen is to spend one lifetime as a mortal, he wants to make the best of it, not only as a god in need of believers, but also as a person left alone far too long.

#xisang #nie huaisang #lan xichen #mo dao zu shi #mdzs #jau writes #that's not the tag I've used before but it'll do until I can find the right one again #Anonymous #xisang wishes au

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xiyao-feels · 3 years

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Part Two: Claims about NMJ and NHS

Intro - Pt 1 - Pt 2 - Pt 3 - Pt 4

NMJ

1) NMJ wished to protect NHS from cultivating with the sabre as a youth.

I don't think he tells us this in quite so many words, but it seems implied by the flashback scenes: his giving NHS the paintbrush, the bit where he takes 修刀 and gives NHS 修心, and course him literally telling NHS that whatever NHS wishes to do, he'd support it.

As far as I can tell there's no evidence of this. Now, to be fair, we don't see them as children in MDZS, but there is not as far as I can tell any sign that NMJ has ever done anything but strongly desire that NHS work on the sabre. Indeed, even at Hejian during Sunshot, the reason he overhears MY and LXC's conversation is because he is bringing NHS' sabre to LXC so that NHS will not be able to escape practicing with it. He certainly does not renew any kind of commitment to allowing NHS to do what he wills before his death. In CQL, we see rather less, but as far as I can tell there doesn't seem to be anything that contradicts MDZS on this front.

2) In his heart, NMJ carried significant doubts about the righteousness of Nie cultivation practices, including both the sabre-curse-inducing sabre cultivation and the practice of balancing the sabre spirits via corpses in the wall

This is quite central to the movie. It's arguably implicit in his desire to protect NHS from cultivating with the sabre, but beyond that, he is clearly extremely uncomfortable at NHS' moral challenge of Nie practices and believes at least partially that NHS has a point; moreover, it's implicit in his confessions to NHS in the tomb:

The Nie family's ancestors created this family foundation with great hardships. Unexpectedly, it was cursed by the sword spirit. I practiced swordsmanship hard and thought I could find a way to solve it, but I just followed the same old disastrous road of the ancestors.

And of course, his moral arc in the movie is about embracing those doubts and rejecting Nie tradition.

There is as far as I can tell no evidence of this in MDZS or CQL; in fact we don't learn anything about the Nie burial traditions in scenes where NMJ is still alive, and he never shows any doubt about the wisdom of sabre cultivation.

3) NMJ used to be "intelligent and wise"; it's due to the effects of the sabre curse that he is "moody and brutal".

We're explicitly told this by NHS at around 32:50: "Da-ge, look at you now, you have changed. When you were young, you were always wise and intelligent. Ever since you practiced swordsmanship, you've become moody and brutal." It's also backed up by the childhood flashbacks. The sharp distinction between NMJ and sabre-curse-affected-NMJ, shown by the way sabre-curse-affected NMJ is visually marked out, also helps suggest this.

Now, in MDZS and CQL, this…is complicated. Again, in MDZS, we don't see him as a child—the earliest we see him is still well past the time he began practicing sabre cultivation. And in ch 26 NHS does indeed suggest that sabre cultivation causes increasing irritability; it certainly seems plausible, indeed almost necessary, that he had less of a temper before he started practicing, and for that matter we see his anger grow worse as time goes on.

Nevertheless, we never actually see any trace of a calm-tempered NMJ in the text. Even by the beginning of Sunshot, his reputation as an angry man is firmly established. Consider the Nie men's reaction to his anger at their shit-talking MY, in the cave:

The entire cave was in a muddle. Everyone knew ChiFeng-Zun’s personality—the more one tried to explain, the angrier he was. Seeing that they probably couldn’t escape punishment and would have to tell the truth, nobody dared to speak a word.

Even his friend LXC says to MY, “MingJue-xiong has quite a fiery personality. It must have been truly difficult for you to have earned his approval.”

And NHS, who very much loves his brother even as he is also to some extent frightened of him, is never shown pining for the halcyon days of yore. Narratively speaking, sabre-affected NMJ is the only NMJ we know. I think…this is something a Nie brothers spinoff could theoretically do something interesting with, but the way it's presented in their relationship is all wrong.

In CQL, the evidence is much the same or just not shown. NMJ generally seems less angry (though even so, we see him be angry at the Nie men for mocking MY (in subjective CQL-Empathy, but still), at WWX for saying maybe let's not kill XY immediately, at JGY for having killed the Nie cultivators, etc.), and if anything his relationship with NHS seems better than it is in the novel, although this too is well after he's begun to practice sabre cultivation.

4) NMJ respects NHS' interests

When picking NHS to lead the other team in the tombs, NMJ tells us that NHS knows most about astronomy in the Nie, and NMJ clearly considers this valuable.

If NHS did actually have significant knowledge of cultivation, NMJ would probably respect that. However, this is what NMJ has to say about the interests NHS canonically has (ch 49):

Nie HuaiSang was absolutely delighted. He greeted Jin GuangYao again and again as he grabbed the fans in haste. Seeing how his younger brother reacted, Nie MingJue was so outraged that he almost found it amusing. He turned to Jin GuangYao, “Don’t send him those useless things!”

In a hurry, Nie HuaiSang dropped a few fans on the ground. Jin GuangYao picked them up for him and put them into his arms, “HuaiSang’s hobbies are quite elegant. He’s dedicated to art and calligraphy, and has no propensity for mischief. How can you say that they’re useless?”

Nie HuaiSang nodded as fast as he could, “Yes, Brother is right!”

Nie MingJue, “But sect leaders have no need for such things.”

In CQL, I believe we just don't see enough to say, although given that again, NHS' isn't actually studying cultivation, it seems likely NMJ' attitudes are much the same.

NHS

1) NHS is profoundly morally motivated

NHS is immediately and hugely upset with the practice of using corpses in the walls, explicitly on moral grounds, even though it was the practice of their ancestors, and even once he finds out that they're not (usually) Nie men, but evildoers.

Having been told by NZH that the blades need the corpses to suppress their aggressiveness: "But isn't that just sacrificing people?" "Zonghui, the Nie family have always been righteous. If we give sacrifice to it with life, we will become evil."

And then, to NMJ: "Wait. Let me ask you. Why is here called the Sword Sacrifice Hall? What is to balance sword spirit? I didn't understand before coming what exactly Sword Sacrifice Hall represents. I know it now. This is not balance but sacrificing flesh and blood!"

NZH: Second Young Master, you misunderstood it. Those corpses belong to evil men. The Nie family's ancestors had uses their bodies to balance the sword spirit. We also follow the ancestral instructions."

NHS: (to NZH) Evil men? (to NMJ) Aren't they human beings? Are you qualified for deciding their fate?

NMJ: The sword spirit is extremely dangerous. Generations of the Nie family all balanced the spirit in this way.

NHS: Even if they were wrong, you also follow their way?

In MDZS…I went over the chapters where he shows up, and I'm not actually sure we ever see him express a moral sentiment? I could be missing something, but it doesn't seem to be any kind of fundamental part of his character.

This is his reaction to WWX's first suggestion of demonic cultivation, when they're studying at CR (ch 14):

After thinking for a few moments, an expression of envy and yearning appeared on Nie HuaiSang’s face, “To be honest, Wei-xiong’s words were quite interesting. Spiritual energy can only be obtained through cultivation and taking great pains to form a golden core. It would take I-don’t-know-how-many years to do, especially for someone like me, whose talent seems as if it was gnawed by a dog when I was in my mother’s womb. But, resentful energy are from the fierce ghosts. If they can easily be taken and used, it would be beyond wonderful.”

And—granted this is several years down the line and NHS is keeping up his cover, but when NHS is explaining the sabre tomb to LWJ and WWX in chapter 26, he doesn't seem to have any problem with the practice. In fact, he tells us that he participated in choosing corpses for NMJ's sabre:

Nie HuaiSang was already shocked speechless. Wei WuXian inquired, “Who chooses the corpses that the Nie Sect uses for the Saber Hall?”

Nie HuaiSang replied with a glazed expression, “Usually, the past sect leaders chose and stored them when they were still alive. My brother passed away at an earlier age. He didn’t have enough, so I also helped him choose some… I kept whichever corpses that were complete with all limbs. I don’t know about anything other than this…”

In CQL...mmm. I rewatched all the pre-Sunshot scenes with him in it, and I do think he comes across as, at least, less amoral. We don't have the gee wouldn't demonic cultivation be nice scene, and you could definitely interpret him as being worried about the granny at Dafan, or even the temporary-puppets; he says you have to admire Songxiao's integrity and elegance as they depart; and while we don't see him be part of the initial 'maybe we shouldn't just immediately execute XY squad,' he does go da-ge after NMJ seems irritated at WWX, and after NMJ throws MY out he goes in and is like but why!!!! That said, in both cases where he challenges (and I use the term rather loosely for the da-ge after NMJ is irritated with WWX), he immediately backs down faced with NMJ's opposition. I really don't see any sign of the character who is so morally motivated and so sure of his own correctness he challenges NMJ, /in front of all their men/, and keeps up the challenge despite NMJ's consistent opposition.

2) NHS isn't really interested in JGY's gifts

At no point is he shown delighting over or interested in anything JGY gave him (except of course the flute for treating his brother), and in fact when JGY says that after the journey he will give him gifts he replies "San-ge, I am not afraid of difficult journeys. I'm not craving for toys either." On the contrary, gifts are associated with /NMJ/, who gave him a paintbrush as a child.

In MDZS, we see him explicitly delighted in and interested by JGY's gifts. In ch 49, we see him going over a dozen gold-lined fans, which turn out to be gifts from JGY; when JGY mentions he's going to play a song for NMJ, he expresses interest and mentions "the limited edition" JGY gave him "last time," and then when NMJ shouts at him to go to his room he runs instead "to the living room for the presents that Jin GuangYao had brought him;" when JGY shows up at Qinghe after the stairs incident, NHS "beamed as he got ready to go to Jin GuangYao and see what presents he brought this time." Considering how little time they have together on the page, the gifts show up a great deal.

In CQL, we mostly don't see a lot of NHS and JGY's interactions after JGY's legitimation but before NMJ's death, so it's impossible to directly say. However, he is at least shown to delight in and greatly value beautiful things (see at least the fan flashback in ep 35).

3) NHS is motivated by a desire for his brother's respect and the respect of their men.

This is the argument JGY uses which finally settles NHS on going along on the journey, around 14:30: "Both of you are pillars of the Nie family. You should work together. You can also prove yourself." See also his pleasure with himself at solving the puzzle quickly in the tombs; it's not a purely self-satisfied pleasure, but rather, "It seems I'm not useless" (27:35ish). When NZH replies, "Second Young Master, you are definitely not useless. It's just because everyone has their own will," NHS gives a firm little nod. NMJ's respect for NHS' skills and interests is also made central to their relationship.

In MDZS, NHS really doesn't seem to be motivated by people respecting him. Consider, again, what he says about WWX's idea of demonic cultivation (ch 14):

A golden core was a core formed by cultivators after they had cultivated to a certain point. It can store and control spiritual energy. After the core was formed, the cultivator’s level of cultivation would increase at a rapid speed, and become better and better. Else, they would only be a low-end cultivator. If disciple from a prominent clan forms the core at a later age, it would be a disgrace to tell other people of it, yet Nie HuaiSang didn’t feel ashamed at all. Wei WuXian also laughed, “I know, right? No harm comes from using it.”

Even during Sunshot, he's slacking off, using the excuse of having forgotten his sabre. (ch 48)

And then in ch. 49, after NMJ burns his things:

Nie HuaiSang roared at Nie MingJue, “Saber, saber, saber! Who the fuck wants to practice the damn thing?! So what if I want to be a good-for-nothing?! Whoever that wants to can be the sect leader! I can’t learn it means I can’t learn it and I don’t like it means I don’t like it! What’s the use of forcing me?!”

I'm not necessarily saying he wouldn't enjoy it if NMJ respected him, and certainly it seems a fair read that he would like it if NMJ yelled at him less. But by and large, he just doesn't show any objection to being thought of as useless, even before his Headshaker cover—and there's a reason that cover worked, after all.

In CQL...well, again, he doesn't really show any sign of objecting to being thought useless, as far as I can tell.

4) NHS knows about the sabre curse

JGY explicitly says so at about 13:05: "You know his sickness. He didn't do it on purpose." Moreover, if NHS didn't know, the offer of flute-playing wouldn't really make sense.

In MDZS, NMJ explicitly hasn't told NHS at least as of JGY's visit after the stairs, and there's no indication he told him between then and when he qi-deviated. Indeed, it's JGY who thinks NHS should be told, while NMJ rejects this (ch 50):

Jin GuangYao, “Brother, these days you’ve been stricter and stricter towards HuaiSang. Is it the saber spirit…?”

After a pause, he continued, “Does HuaiSang still not know about the saber spirit?”

Nie MingJue, “Why would I tell him so soon?”

In CQL, we're not told either way; this being the case I tend towards defaulting to MDZS unless I have a specific reason to think otherwise.

5) NHS, though bad at fighting, is skilled in cultivation theory

Again, JGY says so, at around 13:19: "You are good at Daoist magic" (and NHS seems to accept it). Moreover this is continually backed up by the film, with NHS making good use of it in the tomb, and then of course in the last scene having put together the true effect of the corrupted passage.

There is no indication of this in MDZS. He's interested in art and beautiful things, but he struggles with the Lan lectures. When JGY defends NHS' interests, he mentions art and calligraphy, and says his hobbies are elegant; he makes no mention of any kind of cultivation theory. As WWX himself notes, thinking back (ch 21):

In the past, Wei WuXian and Nie HuaiSang studied together, so there were a few things he could comment about this person. Nie HuaiSang wasn’t an unkind person. It wasn’t that he was not clever, but that his heart was set somewhere else and used his smarts on other areas, such as painting on fans, searching for birds, skipping classes, and catching fish. Because his talent in terms of cultivation really was poor, he formed his core around eight or nine years later than the other disciples of the same generation as him. When he lived, Nie MingJue was often exasperated by the fact that his brother didn’t meet his expectations, so he disciplined him strictly. Despite this, he still didn’t improve much.

I'm not saying he couldn't have developed in this direction after NMJ's death, but there doesn't seem to be any indication he was skilled in that way beforehand. Again, there's a reason his cover as "totally useless person" works as a cover.

In CQL, again, we don't really see any evidence of his skill with cultivation. NHS is shown flipping through his book for the answer to the executioner question LQR asks WWX; he doesn't show any evidence of significant cultivation knowledge on the road trip section (although he is shown to have a good memory for things he's actually interested in, and you could argue he has good instincts!); his wish at the lantern festival is that he passes his studies at the Lan. I just don't see it.

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#fj negativity #long meta #anger burned in his heart #we can't change places #more than one tag could contain

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jcisthebestfightme · 4 years

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5 times Yizhan isn’t one sided

Disclaimer: Again, all speculation, treat this as fanfiction. Don’t read if you don’t like it. (I’ve been in many rps before and this is the fandom in which I’ve been the most afraid of my life LOL)

I’ve seen some people saying BJYX is one-sided, “created” and “managed” by dd. Initially, it may seem like it cuz dd is more forward about his affections. But I think once you understand them, you would see how much gg cares for him.

1) Jealousy - The most obvious being during the famous “16 Minutes” on KB when dd was coming out of a hole with another actor. Gg’s face changes immediately and he didn’t even notice his hand was raised mid-air. Another instance is when dd mentions hanging out with LXC at the fan-meeting. Gg asked when they hung out and then was like “oh when I wasn’t there?” Also the time during filming when dd got too excited talking to the cameraman about motorcycle and gg was stuck in the middle. At first, I thought it’s strange to be jealous of 2 people that obviously have no romantic intentions towards dd. But then I remember my own romantic past and that ya, when you really like someone, you get really possessive even when it’s stupid. And you try your best to logic it but the emotion is still there.

Easter egg: During the fan-meeting and the bts with the cameraman, gg used the exact word “厲害！“ (Amazing!) in a warning tone. The consistency points out that he’s having the same emotion in both instance.

2) Caring - Gg cares about dd’s health a lot, in very detailed ways that surprises even me. In “9-Minutes”, he noticed a new scar and told him to wear kneepads. When dd came back from another filming and said he thought it’s “cool” he was working so hard, gg immediately rebutted, saying it’s not cool to overwork. Another thing is the “dead duck mouth hard” that I won’t repeat since I already wrote about it here.

3) Artwork - Gg is speculated to put dd into his art work. I wrote about it here. Maybe these are not on purposes but even if he unconsciously or accidentally included dd into this art, that’s also very sweet.

4) Music - Similar to drawing/painting, I think that an artist will be honest with his feelings through his music. Gg is no exception. We all know that gg loves to sing. The many instances where he may be expressing his feelings through music: (I feel like an AP lit student finding motifs LOL)

1) On 6/22/18 (special date), his WB mentions a song call “If I were a song” by Yoyo Sham that describing protecting the person he loves. My favorite lyrics is “I can be your home.”

2) During the TU bts, on 8/5/18 (dd’s birthday), gg sang “Rainbow”. The footage cut off right after “In this story” and before “Did you really love me?”

3) On a WB post in Sept 2018, gg alluded to the song “Summer’s Breeze” by Landy Wen. The song talks about a summer one will always remember, that two people were clearly in love. In the post he said “Summer breeze is over, vacation is also over.” The interpretation here is that he left behind WWX in the summer of 2018. Whether this means that he has decided to approach his feelings for dd outside of WWX’s feelings for LWJ, we will never know.

4) At a fan-meeting, gg changed the lyrics of the song “Kepler” by Stephanie Sun from “I am no longer a lonely star” to “I fell in love with a lonely star.”

5) When gg went to ttxs, he sang “Love Confession" by Jay Chou facing directly at dd.

6) Gg sang “You are the most beautiful scenery in my life” by JS at a performance in October 2018. This is an old song that he covers. Even though he sang this song first for a commercial, the commercial has not air at this point (this event is unrelated to the commercial) so it’s speculated that he really likes this song and possibly have special meaning for him to sing it. The song mentions summer.

7) He sang “Love you but lonely” by Na Ying at wmdg. Loneliness comes up again.

8) He sang “Summer Day that the Wind Blew Past” by JJ Lin and Kym, a song about remembering falling in love in a past summer. There’s also a recording of him talking about why he chose this song. He said “it’s because the song describes when love first starts in a summer afternoon with a breeze, and I want to share it with everyone.”

5) Gg being angry with dd - This may seem counterintuitive. Why is being angry love? We all know gg is a very courteous person. He actually said during an interview that people often thinks he’s “fake” because he’s so “nice” but that’s just how he treats most people, especially when he’s working. People that believes in horoscope says it’s a common trait for Libras to treat most people with a “public face” and keep them at a distance. I don’t put much weight into star signs but I do think this is gg’s personality. But what about towards dd? Gg is shown to be “mean” with him: 1) He rarely shows his “bunny teeth warning” to others but does so many times with dd. 2) He gets mad and shows his true emotions in the famous “9-minutes” where he’s mad that dd yelled at him in the morning. 3) He got mad at dd during a bts and even threw the umbrella to the floor because gg thought dd didn’t like WWX. 4) Gg got mad when he asked dd what he’s doing during his time off that day and dd said “stop nagging me”/”leave me alone”/”don’t control me” (hard to translate). They had a fight which ended with dd saying “I didn’t say for you to not care about me :(”. 5) Gg telling dd to stop looking at him during kb. This isn’t really getting angry but also show how he can be straightforward with him.

#bjyx #yizhan #zsww

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guqin-and-flute · 4 years

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@little-smartass said: 1. I also like to think that yeah, JGY showed LXC the best of him, but like... they were VERY close (however you interpret that) for nearly twenty years! there's no way they didn't argue, or have bad moments, and LXC is a very perceptive guy, I don't think he'd fully trust a "perfect" person. so I think LXC saw the very best of JGY but also enough of his less-niceness to believe that he truly KNEW JGY

2. in my personal interpretation, I think LXC believed he was the only one who really got to SEE JGY, thought he was the one JGY let down his mask around (because having to hide your true feelings behind a smile is something they for sure bonded over). LXC believes in a JGY who has some darkness, yes, but who has overcome it! and succeeded! and does good things! and imo that makes it so so much more tragic

Oh my GOD bonding over hiding true feelings behind a smile is *chefs kiss* So true. [There’s a fic in that, somewhere hmm] They had a real, long lasting relationship (of whatever stripe you care to label that as)

AND YES YES YES 100% And the thing is, he did do good things, and he didn’t just go around willy-nilly murdering everyone the whole time he was clan leader, like? He for sure knows about his resentment and need to prove himself and inferiority complex and dad issues, he just wasn’t allowed to see how deep it went and the sort of overwhelming anxiety and lopsided morality it was attached to.

I totally agree with that assessment and, weirdly, I sort of half agree with Lan Xichen that he was the person JGY let his mask down around and one of the people who got to see the real JGY. The only problem was that is wasn’t the whole real JGY. It’s my personal belief (and way of writing him) that JGY is a master of mirroring and compartmentalization of his own shit, probably out of necessity. I think that the person he showed LXC was as true and honest as he was capable of being--as that person. I think it became very clear in the Temple when he would practically eviscerate someone with his words, and then stare at Lan Xichen in hurt bemusement, saying, ‘Why don’t you trust me? Do you really think I’m evil?’ like Lan Xichen didn’t just see him hammer in on JC’s worst insecurities and tell WWX that it didn’t matter what he did, he was always going to die young. Because all walls between them were coming apart at that time and the different shit he kept locked away when dealing with certain people were coming and just sort of happening all at once.

The part of himself that he showed LXC really was upset that he was losing his trust but didn’t, like, take the time to actually look around and think ‘Yeah he can also actually see you when you talk to other people and act like a supervillain, though, you know.’

#reply #little-smartass #jgy #lxc #text #meta

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kitsune1818 · 3 years

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Tossing your question right back at you, I'd love to hear your thoughts on what might have changed (or not changed) if Nie Dad had lived!

Ive been musing this all day, to be honest, i made the mistake of reading it right before getting up. Ooops. Im not as eloquent as you and i have a patchy memory of book canon events, this also touches a lot of hc. I do believe many things would change if dad-Nie had remained alive. As you said in my ask, nmj would be maybe less angry, more forgiving, more easygoing. One hc i have is that he became sect leader young, 15 at most, I also think nmj didnt go to CR to study, by the time he meet lxc he was already sect leader. Making friends was hard, but lwj is not the only stubborn lan. Another general hc i have is that the Nies have... trouble to be seen as equal to other cultivators, regardless of how strong or smart they are, they are not gentry, they are the descendants of a butcher, an unclean profession, so they are less. Maybe with dad-Nie alive nmj would not be forced to grow up so fast, maybe he still will have nice hobbies, maybe he can spent his free time indulging in art or music and maybe nhs would be a little more disciplined in saber practice. I do think nmj is the responsible and dedicated kind of person, having hobbies and friends will not deter him from his rigorous training. I confess im among in the bunch of people that believe he is dage for everyone... or at least of everyone that manages to get close to him. He doesnt baby people, but he indulges them and is very judgemental of their life choices, with dad-Nie alive, he doesnt have to fill the dad-mother-brother roll for nhs, he is just dage, i like to imagine him being a troll and he will be so shamelessly with nhs and his friends (nhs will be all “dage stop embarrasing me infront of my friends!) just because he can and this heirs are all so stuck up with very awful parents. Nmj trust easy, but once that trust is betrayed, well, we all know Jgy never got back that trust and things only got so patched up (skin deep) because of lxc and nmj wanting to believe it even if he didnt felt it. Maybe this time around, as dage had time to be a kid and a teen he can be more innocent, more inclined to second chances. O3r maybe he wont because that is just how he is regardless of his father. Ive seen countless takes of nmj being so much like his father... im a contrary person, i got this mean satisfaction in going against certain things, this is one of them (there is a bigger one, but that one is not relevant haha). I think nmj is more like mom side if the family, nhs is more like his father, both in appearance and temperament. Which may be a little weird to see dad-Nie like nhs considering the broken saber business, but part of me likes to think that nhs saw himself in his father and his eventual madness and that made him not want to have the same fate, forgoing saber training as much as dage let him get away with. I have a lot of thoughts on the saber-master thing the nies have, but this is getting far too long and i feel like im rambling about everything instead of answering the damn question. I imagine dad-Nie being alive means we can have a softer more relaxed nmj, still strong, still dedicated and dutiful (he is an heir, he cant be anything else), he is smart and resourceful, talented. Maybe this is why wrh takes notice of him eventually, maybe this time around nmj can get along with wen xu (another hc is that wen xu is older than nmj, there is a big age gap between wen xu and wen chao), maybe, like with wen zhuliu, nmj gets noticed by talent alone. I believe at some point wwx mentions that nmj is in the top 3 people he wouldnt want to mess with (besides that one part when he slaps nmj corpse abs in a very appreciative way), that kind of speaks of nmj talent and power. I do like the idea of a Qishan Wen and Qinghe Nie alliance a lot. I admit, im very biased, i often tell that other sect leaders are... not ideal. Everyone has their faults, yes, but in the grand scheme of things, jgs is an opportunist, he wont move unless he knows he can win (and he won only because jgy gave him the opportunity... just to be killed soon after), lqr is more of a scholar than a leader, even if he does a neat job managing the sect, lxc is a mediator, if there can be middle ground he will take it and be happy even if he is just postponing the inevitable (we see this in the 3zun dynamics a lot) and jfm is a conformist, he doesnt like conflict and will look away until the fire is too big to do anything about it. Maybe im being to mean, but this is they way i see it, feel free to politely disagree with me). Qishan had the numbers if not the talent, Qinghe had the talent, but not the numbers (another hc, the Nies are the newest of the great 5). An alliance between them sounds like a sweet deal to me. Maybe as you said, an alliance between this two could end up in a mostly everyone lives. Maybe Wen Qing can have a nice friend on Nmj (bonding over little brothers, maybe?) and nhs and Wen Ning can also have a nice friendship, be less lonely. Maybe as nmj grows into a man, wrh interest can shift, maybe this time nmj can allow himself to be a little more free to have something more with someone. Maybe with dad-Nie alive things can go a little happier, maybe dad-Nie will die in some other form and nmj would still be stuck as sect leader at a too young age, maybe this time wrh can be an ally instead of an enemy. Can you imagine it? wrh being friends with the late sect leader (only dad-Nie was bold enough to be honest, instead of giving blind praise and wrh appreciating that?) and offering help to the young heir, a few years later getting struck with the realization that the young boy grew up into a fine man (the “oh shit, he is hot” realization hehe). There are a lot of scenarios i would love to explore, but this is getting long, as my usual ramblings go, i need to cook tomorrow lunch and finish certain piece i need ready by tomorrow (fuck). Hopefully i didnt sidetrack too much, nor did i miss the point. Ugh. See! im not eloquent or well versed!

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robininthelabyrinth · 4 years

Note

In that AU where LXC pretends to be LWJ and discovers NMJ's head, what if he went on a quest to put the body of his old friend together and along the way accidentally ran into NHS who's on the same mission. And they realize the other knows! (And... crying?)

AU of Two-Faced (does not take place in the same universe)

Untamed verse

“You knew,” Lan Xichen said, numb with shock.

Nie Huaisang said nothing.

Lan Xichen had expected tears, to be perfectly honest. Nie Huaisang cried at a particularly strong gust of wind, it seemed, overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being Sect Leader while being, quite frankly, as useless as he was. He was always popping over to ask for advice on decisions he had to make, to try to eel out of paperwork or decisions, to complain about how mean people were being to him…

He wasn’t crying now.

He didn’t have any expression at all, in fact, despite Lan Xichen have broken such earth-shaking, heart-shattering news – about what he’d found in Jin Guangyao’s trophy room, the mutilation of Nie Mingjue’s body, of their oath as sworn brothers, of Nie Huaisang’s own beloved brother –

“Yes,” Nie Huaisang said. “I knew. Did you?”

“What?” Lan Xichen said, not understanding at first – and then understanding all too well. “No! Huaisang, no, never – you couldn’t – you can’t possibly think that I would agree to be involved in desecrating my own sworn brother’s body?”

“I wasn’t asking if you were involved in the desecration,” Nie Huaisang said, and his voice was flat and steady and not anything like the head-shaker that Lan Xichen had grown accustomed to these past few years. “I was asking if you were involved in the murder.”

Lan Xichen’s heart lurched.

“Murder?” he whispered. “But – but da-ge died of a qi deviation –”

“An induced qi deviation,” Nie Huaisang said. “Triggered by the application, for months, of a certain piece of music that was said to calm and correct the body’s qi, but which instead acted as a spiritual poison, wearing down defenses and aggravating the underlying problem –”

“Impossible,” Lan Xichen said. “That’s impossible, it must be. The Song of Clarity is meant to heal –”

“And yet, when I played the version san-ge taught me for da-ge, he always got so much worse,” Nie Huaisang said, and there was the slightest hint of emotion in in him now: his hands were shaking, fingers white where he held onto the fan in his hands too tightly. “Probably because I was trying my hardest with it, rather than trying to remain unnoticed.”

Lan Xichen was glad that he was already sitting down, because he knew his knees would not have supported him. Nausea roiled in his belly. “You’re certain, then.”

“By coincidence, I came across a copy of the correct music for the Song of Clarity,” Nie Huaisang said, his voice dull and lifeless again. “It is not the same as what I learned – and you know the one thing that I’d never have risked with laziness was da-ge’s health. Did san-ge alter it, or did you?”

“I wouldn’t,” Lan Xichen said. “Huaisang – I would never have done such a thing. I loved da-ge, you know that –”

“I thought san-ge did, too.” Nie Huaisang’s eyes were boring holes into Lan Xichen’s skull. “And yet I also remember which one you sided with, every time they fought.”

Lan Xichen flinched. That, he supposed, answered his question as to why Nie Huaisang had said nothing, why he had let him continue to be friends with the man who murdered his friend, his brother – he didn’t think he’d be believed.

Maybe he even thought he would be betrayed.

Maybe he would have been right. If Nie Huaisang had come to him with claims that he’d thought were absurd, farfetched, paranoid, then he would definitely not have hesitated to ask for Jin Guangyao’s thoughts on the matter…

Lan Xichen tasted bile in his mouth. It was not the first time today and not, he thought grimly, likely to be the last.

A thought suddenly struck him, and he suddenly felt cold.

“Were you – pretending? All this time?” he asked. “You made yourself useless to avoid him –”

“No, I actually am pretty much good-for-nothing,” Nie Huaisang said, and for the first time in the whole conversation there was something human in his eyes, a touch of self-effacing humor. “It makes it easier.”

“Easier?”

“It’d be much easier for san-ge to get rid of me,” Nie Huaisang said, and what was truly brutal was in how casually he said it, as if it were obvious. “But as long as I’m weak and dependent on him, he won’t, and he won’t notice as I gather the evidence to destroy him.”

“Evidence,” Lan Xichen said. “What evidence? What have you found?”

What do we do next? He wanted to ask, and he was aware of the irony of asking that of the person he’d spent nearly a decade treating like a baby because he always asked him that question. How their roles had been reversed!

Nie Huaisang studied him for a long moment, then smiled faintly. “Well, er-ge, if you’re sure you want to get involved…”

“I’m sure,” Lan Xichen said. He’d helped cause this; it was his duty to help fix it.

“Don’t regret it later.”

“I won’t,” he said, even though he was pretty sure he would.

#mdzs #lan xichen #nie huaisang #my fic #my fics #I feel like this would end up Lan Xichen/Nie Huaisang down the road?#I like that pairing #sheronm

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robininthelabyrinth · 4 years

Note

Either a prompt, or just an answer! But based on your post about JGY and using microaggressions, what do you think would have happened if it had been LXC who caught him in one of his manipulative stunts and realized it was all a trick, rather than NMJ? I almost feel like he'd talk himself out of believing what he's seen, or let JGY talk him out of it, and then neither of them might have guessed at his true nature.

Lan Xichen did his best to like most people, to give them the benefit of the doubt whenever possible – truly, he did. He even thought he was mostly successful at it, purposefully looking at Sect Leader Yao’s boorish nosiness as well-meant although ill-executed sympathy or Sect Leader Ouyang’s tendency to follow the crowd as a sense of fellow-feeling taken to an extreme.

And yet –

He was certain that there was something wrong with Meng Yao.

The seeds of doubt had been planted the first time they’d met – or rather, the first time he’d seen Meng Yao, he supposed. The man had been travelling in a caravan of merchants, heading towards Qinghe; Lan Xichen, on the run from the burning of the Cloud Recesses and utterly exhausted, had abandoned his initial campground and hidden himself in a tree.

He’d intended on simply continuing onwards, ignoring his tired feet (what right did he have to be merely tired, after all, with uncle injured and father likely dying and Wangji taken away by the Wens to be abused…), but something he’d stuffed into his mouth earlier had disagreed with him and he’d just hidden in the tree instead, thinking it’d be nice to see the faces of some fellow humans, even from a distance.

He’d seen Meng Yao then, though he hadn’t known it was Meng Yao, and the way he investigated the campgrounds with a slight frown that turned into a pleased smile, as if something had worked out according to plan –

They’d bumped into each other again a few days later, when Lan Xichen was even more tired and hopeless and fleeing a badly timed set of Wen cultivators out on a night-hunt, only Meng Yao had been alone.

Alone, and with rations to spare, and a story that he’d left Lanling after his terrible disgrace to travel all on his own.

Lan Xichen had been starving at the time, too busy to think twice about it or ask about the other merchants he’d seen with Meng Yao, and it wasn’t until later that night that he opened his eyes and looked up at the moon, bewildered by the one flaw in the otherwise truly piteous story.

If Meng Yao had merely parted ways with the merchants, why lie?

The seed of doubt remained only a seed, then, and they travelled together some ways before parting – after all, Lan Xichen had assured himself, in some ways it could be said that Meng Yao had saved his life; it would be impolite, churlish even, to question him on something he clearly didn’t want to talk about.

It wasn’t until later, when Lan Xichen began to act as courier between the sects during the Sunshot Campaign, that the seed bloomed into a flower, and then began growing even more rapidly than a weed.

A weed like Meng Yao, who was brilliant enough to piece together information and yet selfish enough to use it for his own benefit instead of the benefit of all.

Lan Xichen hadn’t realized it at first, too busy lecturing himself on his pointless suspicion of his benefactor, but the information he collected – some too late to be helpful – suddenly put certain things in context.

Certain battles that didn’t have to happen, but did, and the way that they did threw Meng Yao’s merits into sharp relief – he wasn’t the best at battle, but he was excellent at clean-up, especially in aiding the common folk, but for that to happen the battle had to take place somewhere where they would suffer.

And then there were certain groups of people, Nie cultivators or otherwise, that died shortly after crossing Meng Yao – one survivor telling Lan Xichen that he hadn’t known some critical information that Lan Xichen was certain that he’d conveyed to the Nie sect in time.

He’d been about to go demand answers from Nie Mingjue when the survivor had let slip that it had been Nie Mingjue’s so-capable deputy that had given them the briefing – and that the deputy was Meng Yao.

Lan Xichen had fought with himself, not wanting to believe it. He had no solid evidence, after all, merely suspicions, and Nie Mingjue was delighted by Meng Yao, praising him as virtuous and capable. Nie Mingjue was not a man to praise people lightly, so this was evident evidence of his esteem, and a sign that Meng Yao had managed, somehow, to get in through the usually standoffish sect leader’s guard and into his heart.

But once the suspicion was there, the signs were there, too – things that Lan Xichen would have written off if he hadn’t been looking, things that he would never have noticed.

How facile Meng Yao’s face was, how responsive to his will, and yet how different he was when around different people. Lan Xichen had had to learn to read emotions from the smallest of signs to understand Wangji, prided himself on it, and when Meng Yao was around him, the little things – the crinkle of his eyes, the pursing of his lips, the quivering of his cheeks – all accorded with his words. In other words, he was sincere and true, as far as Lan Xichen could tell, and the only deviation was when he so-nobly tried and yet failed to avoid talking about the occasional injustices that he suffered, and yet those were subject that he had brought up himself, or which Lan Xichen just happened to walk in on.

It was precisely the sort of person he most liked, straightforward and sincere and just a little piteous, someone combining the best parts of Nie Mingjue and Lan Wangji and yet also reminiscent of when Lan Wangji was a child young enough that Lan Xichen could actually do things for him, to be the protective and indulgent big brother in a way Lan Wangji hadn’t needed in years.

If he wasn’t already suspicious, Lan Xichen was quite sure that he would be as enchanted by Meng Yao as Nie Mingjue was.

After all, Nie Mingjue was good with reading emotions, too – only his favorite type of person wasn’t the honest-but-shyly-pitiful type, but one who was straightforward yet restrained, who was hurt by the slights of others but who held his head high regardless, who had a spark of mischief and humor hiding behind his solemnity. And when Meng Yao didn’t know Lan Xichen was watching, that was exactly the sort of person his face said he was: his eyes dancing in amusement at Nie Huaisang’s latest antics even while his mouth remained stern, his chin lifted a little as if he didn’t even notice when other men spoke ill of him…not shy, not subject to coaxing, still young but in a different sort of way, a happy and energetic way that was reminiscent of Nie Huaisang’s younger years (and, indeed, of his current ones) rather than Lan Wangji’s solemnity, his hidden pain and earnest striving to be good.

A first-class manipulator, Lan Xichen concluded after months of study. Meng Yao’s preferred mask was a display of weakness perfectly tailored to the interests of others, and he wielded that weakness as skillfully as Nie Mingjue wielded his saber or Lan Xichen played his qiao – and as ruthlessly, too.

He was a dagger hidden in the dark.

Lan Xichen tried to warn Nie Mingjue, but to no avail: Nie Mingjue was a stunning fighter, a brilliant general, and there was none better when it came to understanding how the quirks of his enemies would translate into strategic and tactical decisions that could be used on the battlefield, but outside of that context he had always been a little naïve about human nature.

It was something Lan Xichen should have known – Nie Mingjue had never understood, not really, why the other clans would allow themselves to be insulted by the Wen sect, trod upon, why they would selfishly turn their face away from the cries of the innocent to preserve themselves, as the Nie sect had only not declared war because it was too busy helping others – and most of the time he found the almost child-like innocence and inflexibility extremely cute.

Not right now, though.

Nie Mingjue simply couldn’t conceive of someone he was close to lying to him like that. His exterior was fierce but his heart was warm; once he was convinced you were one of his people, he would never turn against you no matter how harsh his tongue might be.

So when Lan Xichen told him he needed to be wary of Meng Yao, he tried, in deference to their old friendship and the trust between them, but he just couldn’t do it. He tried to be wary, tried to watch him, and then something more important distracted him and he fell back into his old habits of trusting and relying on him – no, until Nie Mingjue somehow saw with his own eyes what Lan Xichen put together through clues, he wouldn’t be able to believe that the man was a scorpion rather than a friend.

And while he didn’t say it, the distressed look in his old friend’s eyes suggested to Lan Xichen that Nie Mingjue was worried that he was the one affected, that his suffering at the Cloud Recesses and thereafter had injured his kind and trusting nature, and that he was merely being unduly paranoid.

It was a fair point, so Lan Xichen turned to the one he trusted most.

Lan Wangji listened solemnly to his suspicions, to his concerns, and promised to investigate, agreeing that there was enough there to merit justified suspicion even if he wouldn’t commit to a final decision until he’d had a chance to determine it for himself.

That was fine.

Lan Xichen was sure that there was a problem, even if no one else in the world believed him – but he had Lan Wangji at his side, capable and earnest, and that meant he didn’t have to be the only one in the world. They would unravel the riddle of Meng Yao and shine a light into the dark spaces he preferred to hide, and they would do it together.

#mdzs #lan xichen #meng yao #jin guangyao #nie mingjue #my fic #my fics #chuplayswithfire

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ibijau · 4 years

Text

Nobody really asked for it, but time for more de-aged LXC trying to figure out what the fuck happened to him!

This and previous instalments are also on AO3

Lan Xichen opens the door, expecting his uncle, or better yet his brother. Instead he finds himself face to face with a stranger dressed in black and red, smiling in a conspiratorial manner that promises nothing good.

“Zewu-Jun, won't you invite me in?”

The man doesn't look surprised by his youth, meaning he knew to expect it. Only four people know, though: Lan Qiren who discovered him, Nie Huaisang who found out, Lan Wangji who was told, and presumably Lan Wangji's husband. Lan Xichen doesn't think his uncle or brother would tell anyone. He trusts Nie Huaisang to have kept the secret as well. The weak link, then, is this Wei Wuxian who Lan Qiren dislikes so much and thus forbade Lan Xichen from seeing. Could Wei Wuxian have told someone? Lan Xichen understands that his brother-in-law dabbles in unconventional means of cultivation, perhaps he felt one his colleagues might know how to handle his current state? But then why not...

“Ah, right, you wouldn't recognise me!” the stranger laughs. “We make quite a pair here, Zewu-Jun. I'm Wei Wuxian.”

“You're not!” Lan Xichen protests, shocked by the nerve of that man. “I've met Wei Wuxian. Even accounting for the passing of time, you look nothing like him.”

The man only laughs harder. Something about it startles Lan Xichen. The face and body are wrong, even the voice is, but the mannerism, the manner of laughing are...

“Right, right, funny story there, it's me but the body isn't mine,” the man explains with a too cheerful grin. “So Lan Zhan really didn't tell you, eh? Even after so long, if his uncle says something, he's still likely to listen. Anyway, why don't you let me in before someone sees that I'm here? I thought we could have a little chat, you and me. I bet you've got questions and fancy that, I think I have answers.”

Lan Xichen hesitates to call Shuoyue to him to chase away this intruder. It's what he should do, what his uncle would want him to do.

But it's been three months now, and Lan Xichen is starting to fear that he will never return to being the man he had grown into. A pity, a shame, a blessing, he doesn't know. But that's how things are, and if this man really has answers...

Lan Xichen steps aside, silently inviting the man to come in. The stranger saunters inside, letting Lan Xichen close the door behind him. He really does move like Wei Wuxian, it's uncanny.

“So, let's do this,” the man says, sitting at the table and taking out a jar of wine from his sleeve.

Lan Xichen half wants to laugh. This really must be Wei Wuxian, then. He's never met anyone else shameless enough to drink so openly inside the Cloud Recesses. He sits down opposite his... his brother-in-law, apparently.

“You're a clever man,” Wei Wuxian says, opening his jar. “And as I remember, you were pretty sharp as a boy too. They've been careful around you, but I'm sure you must have guessed a few things already. Do you want to tell me what you think you know?”

Lan Xichen nods.

“I know there was a war. I think it was against the Wens, but that's just an educated guess. We've been fearing open conflict with them since before my birth. My father died shortly before that war, or during it, and I became sect leader in his place. I think I was still young.”

“You weren't quite twenty yet,” Wei Wuxian confirms.

Lan Xichen startles. That's too close, that's too soon. He's just eighteen now, how could he become a war leader in less than a year?

“After the war, I don't really know what happened,” Lan Xichen confesses, still shaken by how young he rose to power (will rise to power). “But my brother doesn't trust me anymore, and I'm not sure I'm friend with Nie Mingjue and Nie Huaisang either.”

Brother would not have approved, Lan Wangji said about the marriage that appears to make him happier than anything in the world.

You can find better friends than me, Nie Huaisang had muttered, refusing to look at him.

“Wangji and Nie Huaisang say I don't grow into a bad man,” Lan Xichen whispers. “But I wonder if they're both lying to spare me.”

Wei Wuxian shrugs, and takes a sip of wine.

“What's good, what's bad?” he asks. “From what I can tell, you did what you thought was right. You've trusted all the wrong people and you've been blind to things that should have alerted you, but you weren't the only one to be fooled so I don't suppose you can be blamed. Still, even if you're not bad yourself, there are some who'll say in allowing evil to reign, you're tainted by it.”

Lan Xichen has to close his eyes and take a deep breath. It's not what he wanted to hear, but it feels more sincere than Lan Wangji and Nie Huaisang's attempts to comfort him. Lan Xichen thinks he likes Wei Wuxian.

“What evil did I protect, then?” he asks. “Will you tell me this much?”

“It's a long story,” Wei Wuxian sighs, glancing at the window. It's still early afternoon. “You won't like most of it, Zewu-Jun. But I've learned the hard way that secrets can tear apart a family and you know what? I'm tired of seeing Lan Zhan hurting over something he can't control. If he can't tell you, I will.”

And so, he does.

It is a painful, convoluted story of war, friendship, betrayal and power. Wei Wuxian is mercilessly honest about it all. He admits to his own fault, just as he denounces those of others. Lan Xichen is made uncomfortable when he hears some of the decision he's made (will make), though the worst part is that he understands why he chose (will choose) this. If Jin Guangshan said those prisoners were treated humanly, how could he not believe his elder? If Wei Wuxian killed people in so ruthless a manner, in such great numbers, how could he not join the effort to take him down before he striked again? If Lan Wangji betrayed his own sect...

Lan Xichen cries at hearing that his brother chose to stand against them, at the news of thirty-three strikes of the discipline whips. He knows the history of Gusu Lan, knows how traitors are to be treated. He hopes his brother understood (will understand) that this was the most merciful punishment he could get away with.

He cries again when he hears that Nie Mingjue has died. His best friend, his oldest friend, his confidant, the person he trusted above all others.

He doesn't understand when Wei Wuxian tells him that he unknowingly sided (will side) with Nie Mingjue's murderer, but Wei Wuxian himself is surprisingly kind about it.

“Jin Guangyao was good at being what people needed him to be. There's little shame in having been fooled by him when he fooled so many. Even I couldn't quite believe it when I first realised that he was involved. There's just one person who saw right through him.”

Lan Xichen gasps.

We all lied to you.

“Nie Huaisang?”

Wei Wuxian nods, and continues his tale, but it makes no sense.

Nie Huaisang isn't like this. He's a sweet boy who smiles and laughs easily, who pretends to cower before his brother but stubbornly does as he pleases, knowing Nie Mingjue adores him too much to punish him. He's friendly and open and honest. He's not someone who lies and hides and plots in the dark. He's not someone who pretends to be people's friends only so he can better stab them in the back when the chance comes.

The way everyone else changed... that makes sense. He can imagine Lan Wangji going too far for love. He can see Nie Mingjue becoming inflexible in his vision of justice. Even for himself, he's always been the sort to try to please everyone, so it's no surprise that he became that man who sided with whoever seemed to promise peace. But Nie Huaisang? Nie Huaisang never gave any sign that he was anything but lovely and a little silly, how could this have happened?

“It's hard, losing the person who took care of you,” Wei Wuxian notes in a voice fraught with barely contained pain. “It can break you. I certainly did for me. And when something is broken, you have to be careful or the shards of it will cut even those trying to help.”

Wei Wuxian means himself and Lan Wangji.

He might mean Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen, also.

Lan Xichen can feel a headache coming. He cried too much, and he learned too much, it feels like his skull is trying to collapse onto itself to block all this. He half regrets giving in to curiosity, but mostly he's glad he did.

Now he knows.

Now he understands.

It's not cowardice that pushed the man he became to do this to himself. He doesn't think that man really regretted those choices, not even the wrong one because they were made in good faith, and from a sincere heart, with what information he had.

Still, they were wrong choices, and they alienated him from just about everyone he ever cared for. These earnest, honest choices killed Nie Mingjue, they made his brother fear his happiness would be resented, they turned Nie Huaisang into a cruel and lonely man.

The man he became didn't want to forget, Lan Xichen thinks. He just wanted a chance for new choices, unburdened by the old ones, and he wasn't sure to deserve that chance as he was.

“That's the whole story,” Wei Wuxian says, oddly gentle now. “That's everything that happened, at least the parts that I know. There's got to be more, but I wasn't there for it, obviously. If you want more details, you'll have to ask someone else.”

Lan Xichen nods, wiping his tears with the back of his hand.

“Thank you for this, Wei gongzi. And thank you for...” he hesitates, and sighs. “Thank you for making my brother happy now, even if apparently it wasn't always so. I can't really judge the past, but I can see the present, and I like the way he smiles when he speaks about you.”

I like the way you smile when you think of him too, Lan Xichen decides as Wei Wuxian's face illuminates with a grin. He doesn't think the man he became could see this without resentment, but he can, and he's glad for it. He's glad he can rejoice in his brother's happiness and not feel the weight of twenty years of hardship spoiling it.

“Thank you as well, Zewu-Jun,” Wei Wuxian says. “That means a lot to me. I'll let you be now, you'll probably want a moment to digest all this, eh? Sorry for dumping it on you all at once, but... like I said, secrets break families. I've seen it once, I'm not seeing it twice.”

Lan Xichen nods. He feels tired, and the headache is there, unpleasantly insistent. He walks Wei Wuxian back to the door, makes him promise to come again, maybe with Lan Wangji next time. It seems to make Wei Wuxian genuinely happy, for which Lan Xichen is glad. He thinks they'll get along, the two of them. How could he not get along with someone who loves Lan Wangji this much?

Once Wei Wuxian is gone, Lan Xichen prepares some tea. It helps with the headache, and gives him time to think.

At dinner time, his uncle comes by to bring him food and give him news. There's no progress on a cure, partly because Lan Qiren still doesn't know how this happened. He still refuses to say what they both know: that Lan Xichen did this to himself. Lan Qiren is a man who can live with his choices, who can take loneliness if it is the price of righteousness, so of course he cannot understand what his nephew did. Lan Xichen doesn't tell him about Wei Wuxian's visit, and he doesn't tell him what he realised about this choice his future self made.

When he is alone again, Lan Xichen ponders what to do, now that he knows why he's here, why he's like this.

A chance for new choices.

He grabs some paper and prepares some ink. In carefully chosen words, he explains his newest choice, so his uncle and brother will not worry. They still will, of course, because they love him, and he's sorry because he loves them as well, but this can't be helped. It is something he must do.

He leaves his letter on the table, propped against a cup so that it cannot be ignored by anyone coming inside, and exits the house. In the near darkness of the rising night, it's easy to move undetected. It is easy, also, to avoid the disciples who patrol the Cloud Recesses so make sure everybody respects the curfew. He almost laughs as he jumps over the wall, elated by his own daring.

He doubts the man he'd have become would have tried to sneak out like this, partly because he can hardly believe he's doing it himself. But this too is a choice, and so is hopping on Shuoyue and turning it Northwest, toward Qinghe.

It's time for new choices.

Maybe Lan Xichen will regret those as much as he ended up regretting the others, but he won't know until he tries.

#lan xichen #wei wuxian #xisang #if you squint #mo dao zu shi #jau writes #not sure if I'll add another chapter or leave this open ended #I just love lxc a lot and I think he made the choices he had to make and there are a lot of decisions he'd struggle to regret #it caused him pain but at that time it seemed the right thing to do or the only thing to do and so he did his best #/sob I just love lxc so much okay???

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