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ashtraythief · 2 months

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Hey! So ive been a long time reader of ur underneath verse (since like.. 2018? Maybe even 2017?) and i just wanted to drop by and tell u how much im enjoying rereading ur writing! Like in general i think this is one of my fav fics series just bc its so extensive and well done and thought out and fleshed out so well it works so well? Like seeing all the different angles and the way u choose to frame things is really fun for me and kinda inspires my own writing in some aspects.

Ive never read the whole thing all in one go before so ive decided to do that right now and im just about done with the pied pipers song - more specifically willys chapter. And i kinda needed to let u know that ur series really stands out to me just bc of how many glimpses into other characters and all these different povs of the same thing like on it stands out on a technical level but then ur actual writing of these things is so good and compelling and like as an outsider pov bitch it hits the spot for me so well? Like ur writing is never stale and its always interesting.

I specifically wanted to take this time to mention that i really love willy and winstons characters and how u went about it. Like im ngl the way u wrote them kinda makes me want to cry tears of happiness for them bc they have found ppl who appreciate them and they have connections with other ppl but then the bittersweet tang of jensen and willy is kinda fucking me up rn /pos djjdjdjd like in general u really do the bittersweet jensen is stuck undercover angle really well and it HURTS so good

But yes i dont really have a good concise message or comment to leave beyond the fact that i keep stopping every few sentences to get up and jump bc im so excited about what im reading i need to get rid of that excess energy lol so sorry if this is all over the place and a really messy message! I just really wanted to let u know how much im enjoying reading it all rn. Thank you so much for sharing ur writing with us and for continuing to write for this series its so fun!

omg nonnie, I'm kinda speechless here (this is the second wonderful message in two days so I'm kinda overwhelmed. is it send wonderful messages week somewhere??)

I just am so grateful and this message made me so happy. never apologize for maybe not having a five point outline lol, this is amazing.

The underneath verse has always been my fandom baby, so praise for it is already amazing, but the pied piper fic and Winston and Willy epsecially, it just makes my heart so full. Ten years ago, they definitely started out as stock characters of mob drivers, because I didn't think this fic would get so big, but then it did, and Willy especially became a real character. a) because I knew he'd fall in love with Jensen too, as anyone does really and b) because I looooove the bittersweet undercover Jensen shtick where I write from other character's POV and the reader knows how wrong they're getting it but they don't *mu har har* (yeah I'm a little mean sometime. sorry?)

but in all seriousness, the Willy chapter, I'ev been working on that for months. And I kept adding things and rewriting things and trying to get it perfect even though I know that most people who read the story mostly care about Jared and Jensen (which is totally fair and understandable), but I care about him and there are a few people out there who do too (and I love you for it, so much), but with Willy, I just wante to do this /right/. I've come to love him so much, and he's come to be so important to Jensen, it felt like he and Winston really deserve their own story told even though that's kind of ridiculous because they're not real, but they're a little real to me now. All this to say, nonnie, this comment and your appreciation of Willy means so fucking much to me. And my poor alpha reader who read like four drafts of this (seriously, M. is a saint) and my beta readers who then had to beta four iterations of this. To know that this effort is appreciated this much honestly make me cry a little (I am not having the greatest time right now, so I cry easily but the point still stands. Thank you.)

This message was actually such an energy boost I'm currently trying to fix the next timestamp, lol so I'll have something to post next month. You're a true treasure, nonnie <3

#anon ask #underneath verse

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gayleafpool · 6 months

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Talk about Varian

IM ALWAYS READY TO TALK ABOUT THAT LOSER!! get ready

-> one thing i’ve been thinking SO hard about lately is the potential of a lady caine and varian friendship. imagine it. she lost her dad and varian thought he lost his which drove them to seek revenge against and grow to hate the royal family. they both get thrown in prison. and basically forgotten about. A FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN THEM WOULD BE SO FUNNY he would probably think she was soooo cool. wait imagine if they had cells near each other in prison. imagine if she saw the things he went through w andrew in prison and thought hm wow that was insane and fucked up. what if they meet again later on like post s3 and become sorta pals and feel like they can vent their lingering resentment toward royalty w each other and just like. idk talk about all the shit they went through. WHAT THEN HUH

-> related i get so emo about varian repressing his trauma and like, outwardly it seems like he got over everything that happened to him with the blizzard/amber/prison/etc etc but really it was more relief that rapunzel forgave him and was able to free quirin so it felt like everything should be FINE and it would easy to just leave everything in the past so he tries and he thinks he’s getter better and doing well but he’s really getting so much worse and refuses to address or process any of the shit he went through until it all majorly comes crashing down a while later. there are these little signs in the way he behaves like he acts weirdly reckless sometimes and will put himself in bad situations, just starts to exhibit signs of what happened to him. iykyk u know we know. and it’s so hard for him to rationalize this and accept this bc his feelings are so complicated bc he would tell himself that he deserved to be treated that way or even liked it because he was so lonely and desperate for positive attention so there’s this shame and guilt aspect that makes it 10x harder to talk about and AUGHHHHHHH. i could write an essay. this is so important to me. everyone be nice to me about this

-> okay lighter topic. something i always forget about varian is that he’s a good artist like canonically i think that’s so fun. THEREFORE: varian and rapunzel drawing/painting together. ENOUGH SAID!!!!! i love them

wait now i’m thinking more varian and rapunzel thoughts. rapunzel teaching him how to dance. rapunzel being one of the few people who’s happy to sit and listen to him ramble about chemistry n shit cuz she loves learning new things so she’s genuinely interested. they are so <3 IVE ALSO SAID BEFORE that i think varian looooves learning new languages and he’s really good at it and i think rapunzel would be too!! they just end up having lots of common interests

also i refuse to believe varian ever gets taller than her i just cant see it

-> mmfmfmfmfmf varian and ulla thoughts. the fact that they look so similar makes me crazy. i also like to imagine that his hyperactive inquisitive balls to the walls insane personality comes mostly from her too. cute but batshit 🫶🫶 also the anger issues. u know that image that’s like i inherited my mother’s anger yeah thats varian. also the idea that quirin is so protective of varian bc he feels like he couldn’t protect ulla esp when you factor in that varian is basically just a copy of her. WAUGH!!!!! i’m emo.

something something donella seeing hugo start to catch feelings for varian and being like oh so this little shit is EXACTLY like his mother. bc it reminds her of how she loved ulla but could never have her. and it makes her hate varian sooo bad. girl rein in the projection

this has been explosion hour with gayleafpool come again soon

#asks #KISSES U #ummm #mentions of abuse #abuse #<- to be safe #varian

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girlfriendsofthegalaxy · 1 year

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tuesday again 3/21/2023

i didn't want to sit down and write this bc i was having too much fun playing viddy gaem

listening

IT'S QUICKER AND EASIER TO EAT YOUR YOUNG!!!

"i'm starving...darling,,," is very sexy but the way the lyrics slowly slide into something more and more horrifying until the chorus hits??? mwah. lovely.

my one critique is that this song is...breathy, for lack of a better word? does not showcase the man's magnificent pipes. oh well! there are other songs.

youtube

how'd i find this: im gay, also he is one of the most popular indie artists in the World. his first album went platinum six fucking times.

reading

i read all of frank miller's sin city bc im on a noir kick and i didn't have a good time. the closest i got to fun was (deadly little, always described as "deadly little") Miho, a mute japanese??? generic asian??? assassin who is tits out not in these panels but in almost all others, rollerblading around mowing down guys with her katana. that was a painful sentence to write.

i read a lot of genre fiction. i read a lot of older genre fiction. they are not written with me, a bisexual "woman", in mind. and that’s ok bc not everything has to be written with me in mind. rarely have i read something that is more For The Boys Only!!! than frank miller’s sin city. felt kind of gross and a little put off the whole time i read these and they made me a little bit upset and afraid of men in a way i have not felt since high school. now it does feel odd to go “i didn’t think this noir was very pleasant >:(“ but miller’s work feels unpleasant and distinct from, say, chandler or hammett in a way i am still having trouble articulating. it is possible that the misogyny in chandler is a flavor i already know and barely register the taste of anymore. it may be that i got tired of looking at miller's women with twelve-inch waists and nipples as full and perky as their mouths.

mostly i think the labor market in sin city is super fucked up. women in sin city exist to have their value extracted from them in a way that is different and worse than normal capitalism. like, i can see how someone would read these comics and go full SWERF. women are literal trophies, both arm candy and in a very upsetting trophy hunting way. especially in the final volume, women are machines of potential profit. aside from one landlady and one cop and one child who grows up to be a prostitute, all the women in this whole city seem to be prostitutes or prostitutes who have married up and out. like there aren’t really even any women on the street just walking or in diners. it’s all dudes.

this is probably a comics vs novels thing, but miller is often sadistic in a way that chandler is not. a guy dies on a page to make cool art. they fuckin mow through dozens of goons a volume. if a guy dies in chandler it’s usually bc chandler's philip marlowe has stumbled across a dead body accident and it becomes a tremendous pain in order to tip off the cops that a body needs retrieving without getting framed for the kill. marlowe (and by extension chandler) is a people person-- he is a detective bc he likes figuring out what makes people tick. he is alert and it's hard to get one over on him but his resting state is congenial. despite his job, he still does believe in the concept of justice.

sin city (more of a comment than a question) says "if people piss you off you should kill them." this is not to make light of the very real Situations that protagonists in sin city find themselves, but there are very few problem solving skills on display other than "apply dick" or "apply gun". VERY RARELY, "apply pussy". that last one almost never works out tho.

aside from All That, it does contain some of the best straight up art (not just comics art) ive ever seen. the command of light and shadow is incredible. the command of negative space is incredible. panels aren’t busy unless they’re showing the chaos of a scene. he doesn't draw every single brick bc that's not important to the scene. it’s really quite stunning.

also the MOVEMENT in this fringe is incredible. do u see what i mean about the nipples tho

watching

i gotta lotta fuckin bones to pick with the manda/lorian but they're all spoilery. this shit fucking sucks man. it's twenty fucking twenty three we have had well over a century to master storytelling through the art of the moving image.

all three eps so far have felt very weirdly edited-- like a lot of changes happened after filming and there wasn't enough time for pickups?? this is a gajillion dollar show just reshoot some shit on your little fake stage i am Begging you. at least bo-katan looked hot. god she's awful i love her

again again i say to ye, what if star wars was good? i am slightly terrified that andor may have ruined me for any s/tar wars that follows but by any metric these first three s3 mando eps are simply not good television.

playing

ty @pasta-pardner for gifting me Weird West some weeks ago bc it is the new thing i am obsessed with. this first trailer gives a better sense of the Vibes than the launch trailers imo

youtube

i find it is scratching a lot of the rpg itches that new vegas does: you wander around beautiful western settings running into weird shit, followed around by a hot butch you've recruited to your cause. unlike new vegas, it is a little less forgiving and you have to really scrap and loot everything that isn't nailed down.

this is a top-down action rpg with a weird little aiming system that is sort of a 3D twinstick? it takes some getting used to, and shooting is not the part of any game i am particularly good at. here's xbox wire's screenshot, which gives a good idea of how isometric it is and what enemy detection looks like. i do wish i could expand the minimap, bc some of the locations like mines or bigger towns can really sprawl.

i have one big annoyance bc it is a thing that made me take a break and sulk for a bit: as you're traveling across the map (not open world, location-based), you can run into Travel Encounters. you can decline to engage with some of them. you cannot save within or between the encounters unless you stop and make camp. if you're on a long journey to a different corner of the map, you might run into three Travel Encounters. if you die on the third, you are catapulted back to your starting point. this is tremendously annoying in the early game, so either take short trips or get good at about-facing and exiting areas quickly.

a writer i admire likes games that let him tell stories about what happened in the game to other people-- this is a game that very much facilitates that. i was ambushed during a Travel Encounter by the some outlaws, bc i accidentally let one escape while i was trying to collect a bounty on his boss, and that specific named grunt came back with a Vendetta. but! i met a dying outlaw from the band who kidnapped my character's husband in a different second encounter, swapped some bandages for a treasure map, and he is now a Friend for Life. so he showed back up to help me during that ambush AGAINST FELLOW OUTLAWS WHO SEEM TO HAVE SOME SORT OF MEMORANDUM OF UNDERSTANDING??? mWAH. DELICIOUS. LOVE SYSTEMS INTEROPERATING.

ive put like six hours into this, and it has five chapters with five different characters. i have not progressed past the first chapter bc i am having so much fun poking around. i am so so so grateful that the first character is a wife seeking revenge and not the other way around. ppl are throwing big baby tantrums in the steam forums about this but you know what? some husbands should be macguffins sometimes. widens their perspective.

i am fascinated by the drips and drabs of lore this game is feeding me. there's an order of witches with huge underground temples that (crucially!) they did not build, but have adopted for their own uses without really understanding who built them and why. i want to know so much more about their whole shit. there are werewolves but idk what their deal is bc i haven't met any yet.

i am a simple woman! i only demand perfect cowboy western-flavored rpgs and so far this is holding up. i will have more thoughts as i go along but goddamn is it fun to play. we truly do love a competent little rpg with interesting lore and good stealth mechanics that lets you loot everything in sight.

making

mostly fallow week, wrists hurty

made this tuna-chickpea salad for lunch. it is quite rich for a lunch. there are a lot of components that may be challenging to digest all together for a milennial with tummy troubles.

this would have definitely been improved by solid instead of cheap chunk tuna (or salmon. this would be great with canned salmon) and if i actually chopped the baby spinach instead of going "it's fine" and flinging it all in. or maybe wilting the spinach, but that's a lot of extra work and this would be a very warm, wet salad :/ the point is the chickpeas really want to sink to the bottom. i like that there is no cooking involved, only assembling, but realistically i have only half of these ingredients in my house at any given time. screengrabs from the site bc i paid a dollar but there's no reason you have to

#tuesday again #tuesday again no problem #this is 1600 words i am so sorry nyx

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twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat · 7 months

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hey ari!!! hope ur doing super well <33 i dropped by to ask u a few things…….

let me know whenever u find the time to read my gojo fic… i made a few revisions over time and i’d rlly love to hear ur thoughts o valued gojo lover ;; its become very important to me , but no pressure :33

AND. need ur most brainrotting thoughts about sashishu por favor. for. research. yeah… research 🙇‍♂️

riko !!!! i hope ur doing super super well urself, im doing just fine <33 trying to finish this fic im writing so i can (hopefully) post it today pshjdh BUT its going good so far !!

i know i alr said it but !! i am so so excited to read ur gojo fic !! if i dont have time today then i will tmrw 🙏🙏 cant wait to rb it w a huge rant i took a lil peek at it n i can already tell its gonna be so good….

AND RIKO. tysm i appreciate u like no other, ive been waiting for a chance to rant abt my Absolute Beloveds……… this might get long im sorry but sashisu make me. genuinely insane

OK SO. just generally speaking…… to me, the biggest sashisu appeal is just. how grounded they are. to me. i feel like both jjk trios are very realistic but in different ways!!

like. the 2018 trio are just !! good friends and they care for each other and they have fun together. AND most importantly; they can be open w each other !! like all three of them are a lillll closed off and obviously traumatized but they can still be sincere with one another. yuji talks openly w both megumi and nobara, megumi’s whole arc revolves around him getting comfortable with the idea of leaning on others and being saved by others, and nobara’s whole character hinges on her just being unabashedly herself.

AND I LOVE THEM i really do but sashisu r just so….. different and also similar and they feel so real to me even though theyre all insane in the head.

because contrary to the 2018 trio, theyre all sort of. Cunts pshjdhd. LIKE. high school satoru is a brat and he thinks he can make friends by being a bully and hes kind despite that but hes also sooo infuriating, and suguru acts like hes better but hes rly not. theyre both assholes. same w shoko!! shes literally out here casually underage smoking and all three of them get in trouble n then blame it on each other n its just…. theyre just so fun. they bully each other but u can TELL theres love there.

and the greatest difference between the 2018 and 2006trio is that the former can be open with each other, but the latter cant. sashisu are doomed as a trio because theyre all so closed off and traumatized and repressed and they will never be as sincere with each other as yuji/megumi/nobara are.

and to me, thats the main reason why suguru defects !! not that its their fault, but the fact that they didnt notice — or maybe the fact that they DID notice but didnt know how to broach the subject — is the one factor that makes his defection almost unavoidable to me. because his best friends, his most loved people, were never the type to be vulnerable like that. and neither was he !!

theyre just so DOOMED riko….. suguru couldnt open his heart to satoru or shoko, satoru didnt notice suguru’s silence bc he was too busy making himself strong enough to protect them, and we dont know how shoko felt but she obviously didnt do anything even if she did notice smth was off. neither of them saw how much suguru was suffering, and suguru was extremely depressed and isolated and never once gave them the chance to help him.

the three of them just werent the type to have heartfelt conversations in the same way the other trio does, and i think sashisu just… figured they didnt need to. that they had that bond together and that it would always be enough. bc all three of them have these incredible powers that make them isolated and kind of miserable, but they were able to be kids only when they were together. during that one year, they got to feel that slice of normalcy and genuine friendship.

and then they lost it !! and shoko and satoru both regret it !!! and they were never able to hate suguru, and he was never able to hate them, even at the very end !!! and the thing that always breaks me is that its just so, so evident that they all loved each other. but it wasnt enough !! and i think thats such a …. grounded and real depiction of how it can be to love someone who’s ill, or traumatized, while you yourself are ill or traumatized. and you might love each other, and it might still not be enough. but the fact that the love was there still matters.

they were three child soldiers who only found comfort in each other, and they all crumbled under the weight of the world but even at the very end they still loved each other.

and for sashisu, that love never disappeared — both shoko and satoru became more responsible after suguru left, and together theyre able to protect so many of the students and their coworkers. and theyre still traumatized and arguably even MORE repressed but the two of them still stick together, and theres a comfort in knowing theyll always have that. (im ignoring the current manga arc its not canon to me idc)

THIS IS ALREADY SO LOONNGG i just. i ADORE them. theyre so good. but !! if we’re moving past just general analysis of them then !! i love to think abt…. sashisu x reader……. maybe one day ill finish my sss x reader series psjdjdj but !!!

i just think itd be such a fun n comfortable dynamic ?? bc they all complete each other in a way…. satoru is just kinda hyper n cuddly n sweet, n suguru is calm and teasing n warm…. and shoko is so chill but also so caring and . i Need them. all of them r so gorgeous i would fall to my knees and cry if i just saw them relaxing by the couch.

i feel like a reader dynamic w them would just be the four of u living together and spending the rest of ur lives doing the same things u did in high school….. going to karaoke n getting in trouble and eating food . etc etc. maybe getting a couple cats…. and a bunch of plants that would all die if it werent for suguru pshjdjs.

in conclusion they make me feel ill <3

(also riko…. pls read the pink lighter by nosferatui, its a sashisu fix-it time travel fic and its one of my favorites ever !! i still havent finished it but its complete and it genuinely changed my life the writing is so good it hurts)

#in my defense u brought this rant on urself riko………#hhhhhh they mean sm to meeeee #i rly hope akutami can squeeze out just one more tender sashisu moment….. for me specifically……..#if u have any sashisu thoughts i would loovveee to hear them riko !!! or anyone else for that matter !!!!! they r my specialest lil guys #sashisu #ask tag ✩

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briarrosescurse · 2 years

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i play the xiang route bc i can’t resist long hair male wench but specifically projecting onto mc as depression hole cope wife and the only thing that happens is my brain turned into gelatinous goo and i was never able to open the game again without punching drywall and then punching drywall again in an unending cycle of playboy route agony

and also chanyu or briar route bc ive always wanted 2 had my asscheeks impersonally delivered to me in a cardboard box by a dark haired baddy that wants nuthing to do with me (still wants nothing 2 do with me by the end)

vy i love u so much do u know that, my wonderful angelcake and love of my life. also im putting this under the cut bc i like to talk

xiang route

general outlook: as people may not have assumed so ! xiang's route is a tough cookie and def not one of the easier ones. not harder than briar's route but absolutely up there under "stop giving the players a headache". but i'm taking what you said and imagining xiang taking an interest in you, the mc, because of your depression cope wife holexistence rather apparently disinterested behavior. he likes it when they play the cold shoulder, after all! though i feel that his route would be a very exciting one that makes u look forward to what happens next; it's never not lively without him and he just makes the dialogue so awfully funny and witty, you could make whole ass compilations out of just "things that xiang says in his route that i cannot get out of my mind".

it's not that hard to get the right answers with him, at the start, but the more it follows down the road of coming to a deciding point of what ending ur getting, it def gets harder. he either shuns you out like many others, because he just. might end up treating u like any other fling. or he'll want you to stay with him, but of course, getting to that point where he even considers that possibly is almost. painstakingly hard.

surprisingly though, i don't think the answers that indicate the most obvious interest in him would instantly lead to a good ending. i think it actually requires a balance...? of not. coming on too strongly and not vanishing from the face of earth. he is a bit of a tough cookie because he isn't always easy to read, but i feel that it'll pay off.

good ending: copium good ending is xiang is ur malewife and he loves u and cherishes u and shows u that every day somehow a good ending with xiang makes me picture a very toothy grin on his face, nearly smug, but genuine enough in itself, very telling of how happy it seems to make him that ur here with him. of course, nothing's ever perfect, but it seems that saying 'i love you' isn't anymore an intimidating feat as it was before, for him.

bad ending: of course, for that there are a multitude of options LMAO but it would def fall in the line of. xiang ending up just shoving u into a corner of 'like anyone else' and not heeding u any mind anymore. kinda just. lost his interest. he felt no spark. and he doesn't intend to linger around with u any longer. so he just kinda fucks off and moves on with his life - even if you express a strong dislike for that. but really? not his problem anymore. he can find someone else who would love to have fun with him <3

chanyu route

general outlook: if i had to give his route a difficulty rating, it would be an intermediate one? LIKE. he is not. as horribly emotionally messed up. but at the same time, he isn't someone who is impressed easily either. he is just. kinda there. but his route is fun. its interesting. i feel like u get a lot of entertaining moments with him and it hardly feels like it gets dragged out too long or is too bland. I DONT KNOW i just think his route is fun to play <3 go ham and entertain the buff man <3

i just think that in order to get the most out of the route, you just kinda have to keep his interest...? sort of show him that you're worth investing in, in a sense. if that makes any sense? like at the start, he def has hardly any interest in you, no signs of favoritism, no nothing. it's really You who has to get the ball rolling or nothing. is gonna roll at all here.

i think the tone of the route would have an interesting balance between being very entertaining but also exploring some rather. grim, darker sides. (think of how the og movie and its shift tone.) i just feel like that would be very interesting to see and feel out hehe.

good ending: what's a good ending with chanyu...? i feel that there isn't much to be said or done, in that case, since his. priorities do not lie with romance. i dont think there is rlly much happening, but i would like to imagine that the emphasis lies with how your relationship changed with him in the course of the route...? from someone for whom he didn't spare a second glance for to someone for whom he holds in high regard... i want that there is. a genuine sense of having build a bond... camaraderie except ur smooching ur fellow bro on occasion.

bad ending: u get murked by him, a classic <3 LMAO IM KIDDING BUT BUT. i think a bad ending with chanyu is one where. anything of the above mention just doesn't happen or dissolves...? perhaps even goes entirely south and you're left with an enemy made. i feel like his route in general is a lot more plot action, so i'd argue that there is a very. climatic moment in this ending, where ur on opposing sides with him. i have no idea, frankly, but. huh. looks like the u get murked by him ending rlly isnt that far off then.

briar route is here!

#HI VY THANK U FOR ASKING HEHE #i hope this was good enough???JKDFLJDFKLK #its hard to write this out without any proper plot in mind #esp bc like. chanyus route would be rlly one that is very plot heavy i feel #so like. the endings rlly are heavily centered around the plot as well.#in other words u rlly might get murked by him #LMAO #twst oc #[my writing]#dating sim ask #wang chanyu #yu xiang

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khodorkovskaya · 1 year

Text

02.04.23

yesterday was a great day at the shop! there were lots of people and we made good money 🤑

other than that we've been receiving negative news one after another and it's been tough to handle emotionally. ive tried to distract myself but like the facts are there and im anxious...

my bestie came by the shop and we went to drink tea and then had a kebab at the place that's just opened next to the shop. we talked a lot about relationships and ive also been thinking about that kind of stuff ever since i bumped into B the other day.

if i think about it too much, relationships seem like a scam. what do you gain from being in a relationship with a man? what's in it for you? it feels like you're just gonna sacrifice yourself and act like a crazy person. in an ideal world id want a partner who complements me and my life, someone who really sees me and can understand me, someone i don't need to change for. but how can someone understand and see you to that level? you always have to change yourself to appeal to whoever you hang out with, be it friends or classmates or whatever. how can you find someone who is that perfect for you? and if the person is not perfect, is it even worth it?

my stepdad says i have a hygiene problem. and yeah... like i know that's not very slay of me but like ive been showering every two-three days ever since i left B and i have these weird discolouration spots on my skin now, yikes. it started off with me not wanting to see myself naked bc my naked body reminded me of him. and now im fine but ive gotten into the habit of not showering and it's not an easy habit to get out of frankly. bc honestly ive always hated looking after myself. washing my hair, bathing, using a loofah, shaving, having a skin care routine or whatever... i can't deal with the effort. the maximum i can do (or used to be able to do) is rinse myself in the shower once a day and that's it. and now i can't bring myself to do even that every day, yikes.

and it got me thinking, why do most people, as my stepdad claims, like taking care of themselves and their bodies and i don't. ive never shaved or wanted to shave. ive tried like using creams and scrubs and stuff but it was always so tedious, i don't know how people do it. makeup can be fun for a special occasion but i can't imagine how some girls do it every day. and taking care of my hair is the worst! and tbh i don't like being clean. i feel normal when im "dirty" and i can't explain why, it makes me feel most like myself. it got me thinking that for many sa survivors bad hygiene is a defense mechanism. maybe my lack of cleanliness is deeper than me just being lazy idk. bc everyone enjoys shower gels that smell like flowers and having shiny clean hair and smooth skin, so why don't i?

i thought about sex with B and funnily enough we got onto the topic with my bestie too. and idk, i feel weird about sex. i can't say that im asexual or hypersexual, but something about my sex drive and my relationship with sex has never felt normal. like im not chill about sex. maybe it's because i didn't have a healthy introduction to it, but then again, what does a healthy introduction to sex even look like? is it fooling around with a friend as a teenager and feeling safe and playful? is it waiting till marriage and trusting your partner with your life? is it progressive sex education at school where you're taught about different sexualities without shame? can you even be properly introduced to such an intimate thing in a healthy manner without shocking a part of yourself?

like... idk how to explain it. because sex is normal, it's a part of life, everyone has it. but yet it's so bizarre and doesn't logically go with anything else we do in life. why do i like things during sex that would usually repulse me? why are women submissive? why does sex resemble violence so much? why does it make you scream and cry and yet it feels good? it's so full of contradictions i really can't understand.

and my bestie and i compared our sexual experiences and found a lot of similarities. for example both of us had had moments where all of a sudden in the middle of sex our desire would just go away for no reason. like you're into it one moment and then the next everything is uninteresting and even repulsive and you don't want to do it anymore. where does that come from? also i remember with B id fantasise about him but the moment he'd want to have sex id just immediately stop being horny. why? didn't i want sex with him a minute ago?

and like, back to the contradictions of sex, it got me thinking that it's weird how the first ever sex was technically rape. and how apparently women scream during sex bc it's our primal instinct to cry for help during it. and men always fantasise about hitting women and strangling them and cnc is a big thing. and like... maybe the "original sin" wasn't eve eating the forbidden fruit and being punished for it by pain during childbirth for generations of women to come. maybe the "original sin" was eve getting raped and then now women have to deal with her trauma and convince themselves that sex is pleasurable.

and don't get me wrong, sex with B was good! and he'd always tell me that i wasn't like other girls because i was sexually healthy bc i could come easily and i wasn't coincée. but i think the issue was that im too sensitive for sex. like yes, i can come and feel pleasure and all of that, but i feel it too intensely. and sex as a concept feels super intense to me and i can't make peace with it because it's too much. it's too much stimulation, too many contradictions, too many feelings and instincts and it's just too complex for me to take in emotionally. like sometimes B and i would be having sex and id just like break down crying and shut down in the middle of it. and it felt good in a way. but it's too much for me, you know? maybe it was too much with B and now im recovering from it by not showering, who knows.

so idk. if i do end up finding the perfect partner for me, how would our sex life go? will i scream and cry like i did with B? will i make it into a competition with his exes like i did with B? will it make me feel terrible about my body like it did with B? will it feel like heaven like it did with B? or will it be healthy and calm and stable and peaceful and feel normal and safe?

#april

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toireht · 2 years

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Okay here are my thoughts on volume 2 and season 4 as a whole:

-Will being pushed to the back was so unnecessary. Him and El are kinda the main characters of this show and there was a lot of El which was rlly nice but Will really wasnt there this season and why? Like i genuinely dont understand why. I missed him hes my favorite character

^ And mike and johnathan too?? like usually mike is so important hes like comes up plans and shit and he just wasnt?? there?? and i kinda feel like mikes character was nuked this season. His (and Wills) whole plotline this season was around his relationship with El... come on I want to see little micheal wheeler fight monsters with his friends. and ive also seen a lot of people reminding us how caring he was in season 1 and 2 and yeah. he rlly was and i miss that i dont believe that puberty hit and now mike only cares abt el like his character doesnt make sense anymore and i dont know why

- I honestly lowkey hated the cali plot and i rlly feel like the show would have been a lot better if the byers never moved. like they had to relocate bc of El and Joyce wanted a fresh start or something i dont remember but they very easily could have just not wrote that in. I just think that a lot of problems ppl are having with this season could have been avoid if the byers never moved.

-Aryle... hes definitely great. But i just...you know hes a fun character but thats kind of ALL he is. he is literally just a comic relief and is pretty useless throughout the whole season besides driving the cali gang which could have easily been done by johnathan instead of introducing a whole new character that probably isnt going to stay next season because hes supposed to be in california (which you know this whole problem could have been avoided if the byers never moved)

-the way our characters were split this season was a little weird but also not? like it made sense bc the groups this season were based off of just where everyone was but like i said, i wish the byers never moved. plus all the fan favorites were in hawkins and sometimes it felt like that was the only important storyline happening. like the cali gang just felt so behind compared to what was happening in hawkins

-my whole life would be infinitely better if every season was still set during halloween each year

-As much as i love this show, I think some of its charm has been lost... As our characters (mostly talking abt the kids here because they have always been the main focus since the beginning) have grown up it feels like maybe the duffers and writers of the show have focused a little too much on the fact that they are growing up and having relationships instead of focusing on what the show was originally about. a fun sci-fi show with monsters and kids saving the day and having little lighthearted relationships in the corner. I dont know if my point if coming across right but like it felt like theres just a little too much focus on the characters romantic relationships and honestly i dont care!! i want to watch monsters and kids figuring out how to defeat them in a fun 80s aesthetic! i am tired of the drama between stancy and jancy and as much as i would love byler i would be okay with mileven if they would have focused on their relationship less bc like i said earlier his relationship with el was mikes entire plotline this season. which just makes me sad because i usually love his character. yes even thought hes a little shit thats what makes him so loveable, because hes a little shit and he used to care abt saving all of his friends

This kind of ended in a rant but those were the problems I had with this season. I was definitely disappointed with a lot of stuff in volume 2 but I still enjoyed watching it as much as I could because this show is still really good and means a lot to a lot of people. I hope the duffers can like fix themselves because I would hate to see this show get like ruined because of bad writing in the later seasons.

#stranger things #will byers #mike wheeler #el hopper #will deserves better #i hope all the points i was trying to make actually were there lmao #steve and nancy should just stay away from each other at all times i cant #st4 #st4 vol2

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jerek · 2 years

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alright. bonus lore time. i literally never thought anyone was cringe if i ever had a problem w u it was ALWAYS about wrathion.

since fall 2021 ive developed a new talent which is my cortisol randomly spiking and making my stomach too acidic which can and has made me vomit 10 times in a day and put me in ER-level pain and i think it has something to do with the lil polycule of rpers i was with back then.

roster was, iirc (at the time)

26 y/o male / nb

38 y/o female

mid 20s male

mid 20s nb

early 20s female

19 y/o me

18 year old nb

26 year old was the one who made the discord, roleplayed anduin, the rest of us were literally self shippers with ocs. (except me i played sylvanas)

was a SHIT ton of wranduin in there!!! i'm not evil though so i put up with it. i asked once can they please stop putting wrathion porn in there, they were like "thats cool bro i respect your triggers" and put it in a different channel still accessible for the girlies who love to trigger themselves.

so like. heres where the mysterious food poisoning came in. when i say 'dissociative' i may not mean DID as diagnosed by a trained professional after 15-20 tests but like. i couldnt even express to a therapist how shit i felt bc i was not consistently the same type of person between appointments. if you make me come in every week, next week i will not remember why i felt the way i felt last week. i'll vaguely remember what i said, but she's not me anymore lol.

and sometimes it's THAT, the true saint norman experience, sometimes it's possession (thinking other people's thoughts) and sometimes it's dreaming but girl SOMETIMES it manifests as like.

Imagine going up to norman bates and telling him he cares too much about his sick, declining, codependent mom.

Me but when you smack Wrathion I feel it. He's a metaphor for me. I think in his voice. I damn near pray to him ig, being a mormon I can tell you he is the only reason ive ever felt 'the spirit.'

Cringe? Yes!!!!! Out of my control? Yeah 😭

There is no center to my being. i dont identify as anything. i'm not the name my parents gave me, but i am the characters i use to puppet out whatever emotions. Internet sexting for so long has eaten away at my boundaries so much there is no longer any reason for her (who i was born as) to exist or for me to relate to her.

Rping in that group gave me so much dopamine I couldn't sleep, consistently had the feeling that my stomach muscles were splitting down the center, migraines. Literal food poisoning symptoms. It was really fun still!!!!!

And then when the wrathion shit happened like. Whispers of nzoth in the back of my brain started tickling my self defense instincts for no reason. No reason bc I had put up with literally everything including the wrathion shit, the only difference was I personally didn't enjoy wrathion porn.

I knew I was irrational. Not liking a certain type of porn is one thing, I was fighting off the old gods trying not to start some shit.

Prob shoulda communicated! Communicating last time gave me a trigger myself button though. Literally the [triggered] meme.

Eventually you get the feeling that shit is going down the drain whether you like it or not. The rp's stopped, everyone's switched to FF and your laptop can't run it. It's all just kinks, someone posting once or twice a day with "imagine li-li stormstout [redacted]" getting reacted with 😏 emojis.

So I posted screenshots bc I knew the other half of the world, the one with everyone else in it, would feel as alienated as I did. I'm back in 2015 as a 13 y/o dominatrix prude and I want the feeling of 'we know what's wrong' I got from the ER. Literally went to sleep 5 minutes later because I knew I'd be guillotined.

I wake up and I have no idea why I did that. It's been years since I tore off the chunk of me that will do literally anything to be included, those two halves don't communicate anymore.

But shit's fucked now!!

It was always about wrathion. Literally always about my shitass fixation on blizzard's favorite 7 year old to unbutton the shirt on. Girl why

#wrathion

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cephalomon · 1 year

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ok i am almost done wth pokemon ruby and i have to say i may have judged gen 3 a bit harshly. i used to not like it very much and cpuld never finish my playthroughs but now im thinkin these games r pretty good. 👍. if u care uhhh my extended thoughts will be under the read more

ok brief negative thoughts. the beginning of the game feels reeeeeally slow to me, and there are like NO good places to train until right before norman's gym. i felt like i was constantly struggling to get aaaany exp it was very annoying. controversial, but i honestly just dont find the hoenn region to be very interesting. it could be because i replayed ORAS sixty million times, though. and i reaaaaally hate how these games dont let you run inside buildings, it can be really frustrating at times, but thats nitpicky

ok thats the end of my negative thoughts. i LOVE the selection of pokemon in gen 3, and the new pokemon are almost all fantastic which is definitely more than i can say for recent gens. these designs are just so solid, and my whole team is comprised of gen 3 pokemon which doesnt always happen in other games. like, in the most recent two gens ive struggled to have more than 1 or 2 new pokemon on my team bc the designs just havent been resonating with me. pokemon ruby definitely doesnt have that problem.

the soundtrack is hit or miss for me (which, again, i think is because i played ORAS too much so the songs start to get on my nerves more easily), but when it hits it really hits. in general im not a fan of most of the town themes, but the gym theme and evil team themes are really fun. i havent gotten there, but i already know i like Steven's theme in this game. dont even get me started on steven (i love him).

i thought it would be frustrating, but playing a game without the physical/special move split has been really interesting! im having fun playing around with my teams movesets and im using some pokemon and moves i wouldnt have used before. rn one of my MVPs is a Zangoose named Kitty. Since ghost is physical in this gen, shes absolutely obliterating things with shadow ball.

one of my favorite things about this game so far has been just how interactive and alive the hoenn region is. i bitched about Violet feeling extremely barren; hoenn is the exact opposite. although i dont find the region itself to be super interesting, im extremely appreciative of how much life is in the region. every route and city has something going on, the story requires you to interact with random NPCs and explore the towns to progress.

Scarlet/Violet and SWSH felt very much like "go to city. battle gym. go to city. battle gym." but pokemon ruby feels like you are genuinely exploring this region, meeting and helping all kinds of people, etc. the region just feels like its bustling, and it makes me wish this kind of life was present in the newer games.

Overall, i think i see why these games are beloved. Although there are some pokemon games i definitely like more than these ones, these are some pretty good pokemon games.

#having fun and thats what matters most !#percy chirps

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oceanforblues · 1 year

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How it started

my father died when i was around 6 years old. we all lived in the same bulding.. kind of like a joint family. after my father died, people started to abuse my mom. she was distraught but also she was a working woman. you know how it was for women back in the day... she would go out to work and come home late and people would spread rumours like she was slutting around and hanging out with other men. the family would abuse me too. my cousins would sneak into my room and turn my tv off when id be watching tv. they would steal my toys. its like they made me a part of their family but at the same time treated me in a condescneding way. my mum ofc knew that because she was a grown woman. i didnt because i was a stupid kid. so i would always get upset with her that why would she get angry at my counsins because they were my friends.

they would make fun of my weight all the time. their nickname for me would be “bidet” because my name is bushra. i dont know why i used to find tha funny back in the day. they would call me fat, they would make fat jokes around me like oh dont sit on the bed because you will break it. they would call me moti which means fatty. my uncle, their dad, would sexually harrass me actually. actually its really weird how many times i used to get touched as a child. my uncle would take my shirt off and roll me like dough on the floor. his wife wouldnt say anything but she would always look weird when she saw it. i didnt think much of it. they had a maid who used to work for them. she was also the first person who raped me. i woudl come home for lunch aroun 11am and around that time no one else would be around. so she would take me up to her bedroom, undress me, and she would do things with me that i feel like i shouldnt put in writing. i was 8. it felt weird when i saw her a few years ago when i went back home.

oh, all of this happened while my mum was working. i guess she threw herself into her job after my dad died. which made sense. but she would focus on my brother more than me. her reasoning was that he never got his fathers love when i did so she needed to make sure he was loved more. which didnt make sense to me because he doesnt even remember father. i remember him. i remember his scent, his face, his memories, i remember the way he would hug me and hold me and how he would dance with me at night and sing with me and how he would do fun activities with me. wouldnt it make sense for her to care for me because ive been mourning him the most? she worked a lot because she wanted my brother to go to a private english school and not a boarding school like me. my grandfather wouldnt allow it so she worked to pay for his tuition. she also paid for this math class i took, which honestly came in handy even now. but yeah.

the other times i got harassed was when i went to my grammas place back in the villages. this one i remember so distinctively. it was some dude that worked for a neighbor. i remember he called me, took me upstairs to some corner and started to ask me some random questions while he slipped his hand under my shirt and felt me up. felt me up everywhere. i dont know why i didnt do anything. i never got touched like that before so i didnt know what to do. i just let him do it. all while my mum and my family was there with me. other times i got assaulted i guess would be the times some grown ass men would stare at me as i was walking to school, call me names, sing for some reason etc etc. i was unfamiliar with the concept of misogyny and sexual assault back in the day so i truly thought that was normal. i feel guilty at myself for not doing aynhting. i dont know why im crying now because it doesnt even affect me now. am i feeling bad for my past self? or am i actually grieving?

but yeah. after my dad died all that stuff happened. after my grandfather died it got worse. he died around 2015 i think. he was basically my father bc he took care of me after my father died, when he saw that my mum was too busy focusing on my brother. he wasnt the best either i mean he treated my gramma like absolute garbage but he was nice to me.

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highonthought · 2 years

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Post-Vacation Depri

It's not so fun coming back from vacation. I just miss him. The trip back is always so much longer than the trip there. Maybe anticipation that makes the trip to California so much quicker, I'm so excited to see him. But leaving us so long, I feel every second. Just saying goodbye before the terminal, before security, it sucks. And I come home, and I'm left with this feeling that I've met before. I know it all too well, I'm not anxious I'm not mad, I'm not sad either, I'm nostalgic and I just want to be with him. There's a bit of a twang, of how I felt the last time before we broke up. I didn't know what to do with all of the feelings I felt, all that pain from being away from him, but I thought it would go way if he went away. Obviously it didn't, lol. Two years later were happily dating again and I couldn't be happier.

People say its easier to remember bad things than it is to remember happy memories. And I guess that's true. It's hard to forget how I felt every second after he left the airport and I had to wait through security and walk to my two little, and walk to my gate, and then wait an hour for my flight. Yeah, and I wait for my luggage, and I wait for my bus, and I wait to get picked up from the bus stop, then I'm home, and everything is just how I left it, everything is just as it was when I left. Just stark contrast of arriving to his state, where he waits for me at baggage claim, and i can't wait to get there knowing that my bag wont arrive for another 20 minutes, because I'll get to just stand by him. And this last visit was no different. He had on a red long sleeve mock neck, and he greeted me with a smile and open arms. I just miss him, I can't help it.

We spent basically a whole week at an airbnb living together. I only ever catch a glimpse of what our lives are like when were together. Im happy waking up next to him. Making him breakfast, making dinner together, enjoying our youth together. I love danny, Im not leaving ever again. I get weird manic days where i do some crazyshit but i think ive grown, and am able to rationalize my thoughts now. And even if i cant, I know how it felt to be away from from, completely, for two years. That sucked big balls. It felt off, hes one of my best friends and confidants.

Anyway so im back from vacation with him and i cant get much of nything done because im upset, im sad, im melancholic, I miss him and i just sit and think of him, or i just want to be talking to him. Im havingbtrouble falling back into a routine. Maybe bc i didnt have much of an established pne to begin with. Its easy to just sit here and mope. But theres a pain in my chest and i get a shiver all throught my body when i remeber that im back to my own life, no more fairy tale.

I want to remeber how good it feels to do the things i like.

School

Gym

Work

really i shouldstop watching so much tv bc i never feel good after. I feel great when i come back from the gym, or when I complete a homework assignment. But its so hard to want to do better when my room is such a mess. and man, it is always a mess. But that makes it a great place to start. Im going to clean my room tonight so i can go into the work week feeling good

Sunday: hw, gym, :)

Monday: work, hw

Tuesday: work, gym

Wednesday: work, hw

Thursday: work, class

Friday: (no work hehe) gym, hw

Saturday: clean up room, rest

This looks like an easy enough week list to follow. Simple and realistic. Im glad and looking forward to it. 💕📝

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quaranmine · 2 years

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for some reason ao3 decided to be rovinphobic today and doesnt let me comment on htbahb properly? so i thought id just paste the comment here :o

when i saw u talking abt this fic on tumblr and when you started uploading the first few chapters, i was so so excited for this story. cant believe i hit a reading slum exactly as you uploaded most of it </3 but! im back now and i immediately went back to binge read this over the last two days, it has been so much fun :D first of all, yeah the concept is genius obviously. season 8 really dumped the wildest things on all of us and just expected us to be normal abt it huh. really glad somebody picked up the souleating storyline again, it had soo much fun potential and yeah you hit all of it. the themes?? and narratives?? in this story?? have been driving me insane theyre so good. going from what it means to be human to is this really me if im always wearing a facade to my identity not as a human or watcher but as a hermit sososososososo good. i have developed all the feeling for the way you portray mumbos and grians relationship like. yeah. yeah they really are that close huh. of course they end up soulmates with the most unfortunate timing possible. of course they do. i dont think ive ever felt as soft as when reading the preening scenes. ALL THE OTHER CHARACTERS TOO THO like skyduo!!!!!!!!! siblinghood is real they invented it. impulse scar everyone!! adored scar taking jellie to the void with him bc ofc. ofc he would. and the scene with jimmy ooo he really is Your Guy huh. "Jimmy held his secrets so close to his chest that people never even knew he had them" ough ough ough ough ough my man my boy my lad. i think having read the listerner!jimmy fic before that also added soso much. grian really saw the dream smp and said no thank u <3 and i think that was very correct of him BUT YEAH overall? amazing writing epic characterizations so many little lines that made me stop and just rethink how i think abt these characters haha. i am afraid i must plagiarize all of your ideas in my brian 😔 ur watcher concepts are simply too good to not be canon I HOPE U HAVE A GREAT TIME WRITING THE SEQUEL I CANT WAIT TO SEE IT

ROVINNNN MY ABSOLUTE BELOVED <3333333 first things first thank you so much for this ask i have read it over and over and i love it <333 also i would have replied to it the day you sent it but you send it like. just a few hours before i got on a plane to go to canada so i ended up a Bit Distracted and did not answer so so sorry

IM SO GLAD YOU LIKED THE THEMES!!! i go a bit insane everytime anyone comments on them because it is by far my favorite thing that i did with the fic, which was explore that concept of humanity/inhumanity/self-identity.

mumbo and grian's relationship...they make me ill! they make me ill. it's like...idk as much as LOVE desert duo, when it comes to my own writing i seem to just write mumbo and grian over and over again. they're just so. yeah. <3 im glad you like the preening scenes there will likely be more of them. it's just such an easily intimate type of scene you know? and the fact that grian up until this point has most done it alone (minus pearl helping sometimes), which is pretty uncomfortable and tedius when he can't easily reach his own back. and im so glad you appreciate scar taking jellie into the void he would never abandon her <3 it was one of my fave funny/lighthearted parts of the series

SLDFKJSLFJSFKFSF YEAH. YEAH JIMMY IS MY GUY. in a fic about grian and mumbo i manage to still insert jimmy solidarity brainrot into it. he'll be in the sequel too--not in any major role but i promise you he will There at some point because empires minorly factors into it. I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU LOVED THAT LINE. i know that i say every line someone quotes is my favorite but that might actually be one of my favorites in the whole fic. the Lonesome Dreams backstory for jimmy was in the works for a long time before I ever wrote the fic, since i came up with that before i even came up with htbahb. so I absolutely intended everything from that fic to be implicated in that line <3 also you're right, i think lonesome dreams does add to it. i may or may not put it in the series, but lonesome dreams is also planned to work with other series as well, so idk

AND YESSS THE DSMP REFERENCE i had a lot of fun with it. i chose blue and gold for the door because it reminded me of l'manberg uniforms and was less obvious than green for dream. i also like my other slight dsmp-adjacent throwaway in mcc too, where when mumbo joins the server tommy comments in chat about seeing him as a father figure (mcc19 does take place after that one collab video...just sayin')

thank you for this review i loved every second of reading it <3333 i hereby give u and other authors permission to take my headcanons and ideas. if u like directly copy/reference a bunch of things, i'd like a shoutout but otherwise i dont care because i dont own ideas and anything anyone writes is likely to be different anyway because it's their brain you know? so def feel free to use anything here <3

i am having a great time writing the sequel!! i actually have an update (not...chapter update. status update) to post no it later this week :eyes: because i finally reached a point where i can make proper progress on it. aka i was able to work out a lot of details and planning and am in the midst of writing it as fast as i can

#quara asks #save #<33333333333

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khodorkovskaya · 1 year

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13.03.23

yesterday was a very thought provoking day so i want to tell you guys about it! lots of stuff about growing up/coming of age, relationships, etc, all that good stuff!

so i went ice skating with my oxford/france bestie and my student as we do every sunday and it was so much fun! im getting more and more confident on the ice! and it was great, i love spending time with friends when we're doing something like an activity , like something with a purpose you know.

then we went to get hot chocolate as we always do and since my student's wife wasn't there, he spilled some tea! we started talking about relationships bc my london bestie was in town this weekend and her bf finally got his visa so he came to our town for the first time ever! it was his first time outside of the uk and his home country so we were all very excited! but anyway, we started talking about relationships bc to be completely honest with you, im not a fan of my bestie's bf, but i'll get to that in a sec. and my student said that he's only been in love 3 times in his life. when we asked him what about his wife, he said it's not really love as in romantic or sexual love, they're just really good companions. and... they've never had sex! which honestly kinda changes my perspective on their whole thing, but also not really. he said they've only ever done kink stuff together bc they're into latex and things like that. and since she's so much younger than him, he's never wanted to have sex with her. as he desciribed it, he's not a zizi kind of guy i.e. he's uninterested in sex in general. and yeah, ive always thought he was somewhere on the asexual spectrum and this confirmed it. anyway, that was a fun fact.

now back to my london bestie and her boyfriend, im not a fan of the guy frankly. he comes off as really uninteresting and they have this whole mother-son dynamic going on, i really don't get it. he's boring and unattractive and also probably asexual or maybe gay bc he's uninterested in sex with my bestie. so i was looking forward to seeing her and i was happy that her bf could finally come to our country, but i would've preferred it if i could talk to my bestie one-on-one without his company yknow? and then my bestie also messaged me saying that she invited another friend of ours to come hang out with us and again... i feel like such a bitch but the friend she invited is just... so uninteresting. the girl has no values and sure, she'll laugh at your jokes and talk about anything, but i can't stand her superficiality. every time i hang out with her i feel like im wasting my time.

so on my way to the bar i was already imagining all the dumb conversations we're gonna be having and how bored i was gonna be, already trying to make up excuses about how i could get myself out of this and go home and work instead of gargling air with two of the most uninteresting people i know. and i felt so shitty because i was supposed to be looking forward to seeing my bestie and i was supposed to be happy about her boyfriend's visa and i was supposed to be happy about seeing that other friend bc i haven't seen her in ages. but i was just dreading it so much oh my god. i don't know what it is. am i a bitch? am i pretencious and arrogant and do i think too highly of myself? i felt awful. and even my ed thoughts were coming up on my way there. i was like "ooo im skipping lunch today im gonna be so skinny yay". like wtf. i wanted to be happy about seeing my bestie but instead i felt guilty and just wanted to go home and work...

anyway, as anticipated, i was bored out of my mind... her boyfriend's attitude was pissing me off. i asked them what they've done these past two days, like what they've visited and what their plans were. and they said that they went to the old town, walked around the lake, ate at mcdonalds and drank wine. which is fine i guess but like... there's so much to do around here and so many things to see! you can have mcdonalds and wine in london and tbh the old town is not really worth visiting if you don't know anything about it, like it's just a couple of pretty houses, it's gonna be boring if you just walk around aimlessly. like idk if i had two days to show our city to someone who's never been, i would've done so much more idk. and then the bf was like "yeahhh this place is boring it's not for me" and when i asked him why, he said that it's because there are a lot of pubs in london and not a lot around here. like duh of course if your only priority is drinking ofc you're gonna be bored anywhere you go. idk that really annoyed me. plus they didn't even go out at night so he didn't even have a point of comparison. like sure, we don't really have pubs like as in english pubs, but we have a lot of cool bars and clubs and other fun night time activities. like i invited them to the disco on ice on saturday, which is sooo much more fun than drinking wine at home come on! but they said no! and our town is the boring one, all right!

then my bestie invited me over for dinner with her parents and her ukrainian friend. and as the night went on the more and more i kept realising that i don't have much in common with her anymore. and it was so heartbreaking bc we grew up together. we had so many integral life moments together but now it seems that they weren't so integral after all. and it sucks because no one else is gonna know what i was like growing up and it feels like such an important part of me. she's the only one who's seen this part of me and yet it has no importance anymore because we barely have anything in common now.

idk it sucks and there's not much to say. we have different lives, different views, different priorities... and i really felt like the odd one out because at the dinner table everyone was kinda on the same page (except for the parents bc they're getting divorced lol but that's another story). at one point bestie's mum asked me where i was at with my studies. she asked me if i still give language lessons and do catsitting and i was like not really. i have one student who's become a friend now and for the cats thing, if my neighbour asks me ofc im gonna help out. but im not actively looking for these kind of jobs like i did in highschool because duhh im an adult now and im working. and then the mum was like "yeah, you should stop doing that. let's find you a real job" and it really like... upset me. because what about our business? no one seemed to care or ask me any questions about it. "where's you shop again?", "you sell clothes???" like guyssss this has been my family's life for years now! and im pretty vocal about what we've been doing and the project we're working on. and yet no one cares. i don't know, it made me really upset. as if everything we've been working on is not serious. as if getting a "real job" is the only thing that matters.

i don't know, i feel like there's a lot to say but there isn't much to say... it's just that me and my bestie have grown apart. and it hurts. it hurts that i can't relate to her anymore. and i don't understand her lifestyle or her opinions or her way of viewing the world. no, i do understand. but it's so unlike me. we don't value the same things. and it sucks.

and then the ukrainian girl was talking about how she went to dubai and how it's the place to be and how she's looking for a husband. and again, i just cannot relate. and felt so left out. like i don't know, ive gone through so much these past couple of months and it's incredible. but i can't share it with anyone because no one cares. everyone has different priorities... my bestie has an office job she's comfortable at, her boyfriend complains about life and wants to move to canada to find himself, bestie's mum is leaving her husband to go live with her lover and worries about how because of the war in ukraine her job's been intense, the ukrainian girl is trying to find a husband in dubai meanwhile her hometown has been destroyed. and i... well.... i can't even explain it.

i suddenly felt really scared of being alone for the rest of my life. i remembered coming home to B and feeling like i had my person. it felt nice imagining that i was not alone because i had him. but ive always felt lonely with him. but coming home and cuddling with him was nice. im scared that i'll never find my person, someone who can see and understand me, all of me. for now the only people i can relate to are "weirdos" like my student and my oxford/france bestie. they're so much fun! but is this how it's supposed to be? how do i fit in with normal people? how do i become normal?

anyway, i walked home and cried and felt very alone.

and then i had a dream about B and how i came home and he wasn't there so i called him and said "i can't do this anymore, it's either me or [his business name]". i woke up feeling satisfied that i had finally said it. but it's too late now, our relationship can't be repaired. and i can't set any ultimatums anymore and make him choose, because i chose to leave. and he chose himself. and im gonna be alone.

#it's interesting bc my student and his wife have everything but sex #they do fun activities together #like hobbies and stuff #and me and B just had the sex and nothing else #so i felt alone and bored #how do you even find someone who satisfies you on every level?#i want a lover #fuck im so sad about this whole thing #im so scared of being alone #march

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hueningshaped · 2 years

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beffie i'm about to start having trouble differentiating your replies from mine because we're literally 🧠🟰🧠 "u are most definitely right if it means that ur always right and correct <3" SHUTUPPPP how do you always best me i'm blushing so hard,,,. stop this madness . omg YES the GOGGLES!!!!!! although his short hair is gorgeous as well i have to admit that his long hair is my absolute favorite on him<3 my vacations are also only during summer+winter break and it's ALSO me visiting my family who lives far away😭😭 i think my number 1 fear is actually ... pigeons........ i hate them so much and they seem to know since they always come my way😐 plus i get kinda scared in the dark as well especially when i don't have my glasses on because then everything starts looking a little too human for my liking😀 and no stop because YOU'RE the funny one of us!!! it's all YOU!!!!! i'm always like 😆😆 when i read through your blog!! plus u invented using emojis in a cute way why am i the one receiving praise🤨 "u make me feel appreciated and its a not very familiar feeling" i am about wreak havoc because why are you not being told how amazing and lovely and adorable you are every second of the day❓❓also how did u literally read my mind THAT HYUKA PHOTOSHOOT!!!! it's the exact reason i chose blond as my favorite color on him because when i first saw it i could feel my breath getting fainter . he's so gorgeous it is unfair :/ no way you actually played the violing😭😭😭😭 it's always been one of the instruments i wanted to learn right alongside the piano!!! i can't believe this omg ALSO my mbti is infp!! i'm not very knowledgeable about mbti but from what i've read about the descriptions of mine it basically means having no grip on reality🫥🫥 it's very fitting LMAO do you like astrology?? i think it's super interesting and when i read through my chart i felt like i was being watched because why is it so accurate🤨 although i'm not very knowledgeable about astrology either but i love reading about it!! omg,,, a gift,,, i genuinely can't wait to listen to the playlist!!!!! thank😭you😭so😭much😭 plus the beoms</3 what did i do to deserve u😔 also!!! i've had this meme sitting in my notes since i saw that you like mitski and i meant to send it to you in my last ask but i completely forgot😐 stay happy and healthy bff I LOVE U!!!!!🫶🏻😽🌺🫂💘 -🧃

my sweet glorious 🧃i don’t mean to make myself sound smart or anything but SINCE OUR BRAINS ARE SO 🧠=🧠, i’m thinking it’s bc of big brain energy 😯 (have to keep my messages concise since tumblr is against our love letters 😔), BUT im very very sorry for again taking so long to get back to you ! i feel that there’s a threat of this becoming a habit but really it was due to another obstacle i had trouble getting over and uh😔 i want you to know i only ever thought about replying to you and the joy i feel from communicating with u but anyway i digress ~ long hair beomgyu was just so perfect ive never loved a hairstyle more in my life ! it’s also ur impeccable taste for liking bg and his hair and txt hehe and aw why must our families live far away :( well at least they provide vacations for us in seeing them but still i hope you enjoy yourself and have fun !! “when everything starts looking a little human” oh god that always terrifies meee but anyway no but seriously you’re the funny and iconic one ok ☹️ im but a button, just a button ! all my giggles and smiles are only used when reading ur message hehe therefore reading ur ask = +5 years of life btw you’re the one whos lovely and amazing adorable cool wonderful etc ok 😒 and i know for a fact !!! it can’t be refuted ~! and ive always wanted to learn the piano ugh !! do u have any other hobbies :0 im always talking about useless little things i do haha omg UR INFP!? every time i come across someone infp they’re always the coolest people ever (not clickbait ‼️) the way they perceive problems and how to solve and their perspectives [you] is very admirable to me :”) and ik very little about astrology >< im pretty curious about it all i know is im a capricorn what’s ur sign :0 there were a few playlists i considered so i hope that one is at least decent to listen to (when u have time^^) 🧸 hey i do nothing for u and the beoms are complimentary as always <3 OMG THAT MEME WHJFJSJ new fav meme :”) ty for sending it to me 🥹🥹 im on another trip out of town 😭 also do u like cats or dogs or do u have a preference 😨 sorry im asking such childish questions goshhhh also this tiktok made me laugh beomgyu so funny + this era 🥹❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥 and also this compilation of beomgyu going :> is so precious im sorry im not talking about anything really and this isn’t much of a nice reply to ur ask but i just think i talk too much and im just took xcited to have a message out there to let u know im answering and im here for u and i care about u so much i love you hopefully i get maintenance to go through my skull so i can go back to normal anyways i hope that you’re doing well and being happy and healthy always 🫶🏼 take care — all my love to you ♥️ ALSO WAIT DID U SEE BEOMGYU NEW BLACK HAIR??! i just saw as i was gonna hit send haha omg i wonder if soobin is going blond and i heard hyuka might go red 😯😯😯 ANYWAY te AMO <3 — beoms + the infamous flannel

#ask >3<

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