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anneboleyns · 5 years

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I saw the downton abbey movie so now here’s kind of a rambling personal essay, under a cut for spoilers for the downton abbey movie. downton abbey movie spoilers ahead.

once again SPOILERS AHEAD also tw for death, grief, suicide attempts/etc mention.

so, i know probably no one cares but considering how active i was in this fandom and how incredibly important this show and the character of thomas was to me personally, i’m just gonna sit here and write my thoughts about thomas barrow, the show, the movie, what it meant to me, and my critique overall

so basically i always loved the show and thomas but it really took off 2 yrs ago during 2017.

i had just moved out of my mother’s house and i had just finished a rewatch of the show, i remember this so clearly lol it was september 2017 the rewatch had started like june 2017. and i remember when i got to my new apartment one of the “comfort shows” i would put on on my very own tv in my very own apartment was “downton abbey”. i believe the other that was regularly tossed on in the background was “the tudors”, obviously lol

anyways, i was so hyper obsessed. i had also JUST discovered that thomas and jimmy were legitimately shipped in this fandom. i had no idea that was a real thing when i watched it live. and i had never cared about jimmy or thought of them as an actual viable relationship. but with this rewatch they just hit different i guess. i spent hours and hours and hours at my mother’s house before the move (which was an EXTREMELY tense living situation, the month or so right before i left. i’m not getting into all of it now. if you followed me back then you know) watching this show like properly sitting and watching an episode with my sister, and then capping for gifs, which if you make gifs you know is basically spending possibly 3 or 4 hours with the same episode. like it can take that long for me personally to go through it and cap everything i want, then, sorting the caps into folders, especially if i’d capped more than one episode. completely mesmerized with the smallest details, hand and facial movements i specifically wanted to gif or be in a set, clothing movements, emotional moments, like i was just so into all aspects of the show and wanted to gif everything. my fav 4 are thomas, sybil, mary, and tom. i also adore edith and it may be a “fav 5″ now as i think i just love all of those characters equally. so i pretty much giffed every single fucking scene they were in lol. unless they were “ugly scenes” that i knew i could never make work in photoshop. sometimes i would cap it anyway and sort it anyway and open it up anyway and try but would end up deleting all the caps for that set. so all the gifs i have posted, is not even all the ones i capped. anyway

okay and then, there’s the fanfic. reading it, rereading, and writing it. it took me 2 years but i actually read close to every single thomas/jimmy fanfic on a03. at some point i only started opening complete fanfics because i got burned too many times on abandoned slow burns, and if a fic wasn’t my thing i would obviously not finish it. but definitely hundreds of works i read, saved to my phone and reread in google books. works i would think about all day.

so, june 2017 i start the rewatch. i also start planning to move out of my mother’s. a toxic tense living situation. in the past i have used harsher words like “abusive”. i can’t really use that word and apply it to my mother right now even though it is accurate. it hurts to think about. i can’t think about it. september 2017 i actually move.

the hyperfixation is in full swing. hours every night reading. reading 50k word fanfics in a single night. hours every day (or, week, i have a fulltime job) capping and coloring frames in photoshop. eventually i started writing fanfic for them as well.

so, in november 2017 my mother is hospitalized. this was not an unusal occurence. in february 2018 they tell us she’s going to die. 12 days later she died.

i’m not gonna really get into what happened to my mental state. it’s uh. bad. guilt. self hatred. like hatred isn’t even a strong enough word. i wanted to annihilate myself. i believed i deserved to be annihilated. that’s the only word violent enough i can think of to describe the depth of it. suicidal. etc. whatever.

but! i had this piece of fiction, this series, and assorted fan works. it really intensified after this. i can look back at this time last year and i remember how obsessed i was lol.

when i try to articulate what this character and show means to me, i always feel really embarrassed. at some point when i’m talking about thomas it becomes obvious i am talking about myself as well. but i’m gonna really try and objectively talk about my opinion on thomas and why i adore him and why i want what i want for him. it’s probably gonna be obvious i am also talking about myself but. anyway.

here’s the “meta” “opinion on the fictional characters” section.

thomas barrow starts the show as an antagonist. he’s rude, could even be called cruel. a bully, snide, dishonest when it suits him and honest when it hurts him. like, he’s an asshole. what he said about william’s mom. how he treated baxter. his ambition and the underhanded things he does to serve it. overall proud demeanor designed to make those around him feel lesser. feel less able to hurt him. he wants the people around him to feel like they should not hurt him. i think he might be unaware that that is his motivation. because even as he’s afraid of everyone, he craves everyone as well. he’s alone, outside, and he’s been shoved there, constantly, he’s been shoved there politely and he’s been shoved there violently and if they’re gonna shove him here outside, away from them, unfixably different from them, unworthy of them, then he will stay there. like, the meanness and the comments and the attitude. he’s already Not Like The Others. if they already don’t like him, he will make it even harder for them to like him. unless, he can get somewhere safer, which is where his motivation comes in.

i just really view thomas as a character that craves safety.

he wants others to not hurt him. he wants to get from where he is to somewhere safer, somewhere up there, where it’s even less likely for people to be able to hurt him.

so, his motivations: safety, and then, there’s love.

he constantly has this world and these people implicitly and explicitly telling him he cannot love or be loved. it’s not right, it’s not natural, best case scenario is it doesn’t even exist- he’s confused, he’s sick, he’s broken, maybe they can fix it. he’s on the outside, remember, and he just gets to watch thru the window as the others dance and fall in love and have friends and family and be cherished. he can have none of it. this is a really old story that could be told by better people and in a better way.

the loves we get to see him have all have teeth. he’s betrayed by one lover and then abandoned, someone he obviously had feelings for but also betrayed first. then we get a probably one-sided attraction, but still a friend, still someone he can actually be vulnerable with since they’re helplessly vulnerable with him as well due to the circumstances. who kills himself. and then there’s the shameless, stupid hope that almost costs him everything, but he does get a friend in the balance.

he finds a friend in baxter, another character i just adore, because she gives to thomas what he needs even though he objectively does not deserve it, at least not from her, who he has terrorized. baxter’s trauma from her abusive relationship with coyle that thomas knows and uses, the impossible situation thomas places her in, the manipulation, the bullying, some would even term his behavior abusive. baxter would have had every right to ignore thomas, to get him fired, to hurt him back. but she loves him instead. she loves him in spite of. she loves him because. she helps him, she speaks to him softly and kindly. she tells him he’s brave. she remembers him as a child. this especially touches me. the idea of thomas as a child, someone who must have been different from who he is now, and she knows them both and loves him. she looks at the grown, hurt, cruel man in front of her and she speaks to the boy she once knew, and thomas listens. slowly. but he listens. AND she tries to give him advice for finding a lover, supporting and encouraging something the rest of the entire fucking series despises or ignores.

i don’t have enough energy to really go off but, baxter is supreme. i need a baxter.

thomas clearly cannot form self esteem in the environment he lives in. the ground is dead. he can’t grow it himself. he has this ironclad sense that he deserves what the others have, the ones on the inside. it’s immovable. he deserves it, they have no right to keep it from him. maybe he’ll never, ever get it, but in his mind, in his heart, he will never stop believing he deserves it. they tell him he’s nothing, he’s dirt, he’s wrong, and he just nods and keeps walking. they can think that. they can say that. he can’t stop them. but he will not stop working for the future he wants. he will not stop until they have no choice but to let him inside.

but he wants, i think, for them to invite him inside. but he’ll never admit it, and he’ll never ask for it, and he’ll never get it anyway.

so, he tries to change himself. maybe they’ll invite him in then? no.

then, his attempts to form friendships get twisted, and aborted, and he gets tired stereotypical accusations thrown on him.

then, he tries to kill himself in a bathtub with a razor.

then, he leaves his home and spends his days bored and unchallenged and away from all of the friends and half-friends he had.

then, he’s invited back. he’s invited inside!!!! you might say. and yeah i guess. as close as they’ll ever let him. but part of him always ignored and not commented on. part of him always raised eyebrows at i’m sure. and yes, his bad behavior is also to blame for this. but see, the 2 are linked. and you can’t unlink them.

by the end of the show the others still largely tiptoe around him. but due to his now somewhat subdued behavior he’s “likable” now.

i think it’s quite a choice to have this character who is completely sharp edges have them worn away by heartbreak, torture, injury, suicide attempt, ostracisation, abandonment, and present that as a victory, as a happy ending. but guess what? it is. and i’ll take it. he was back among his friends, back home, accepted, celebrating with everyone else, and i adored it, even as the jarring notes i heard in it won’t ever fade from my opinion of it.

anyway, in the aftermath of my grief i fell heavily into this story and the many stories of thomas finding love and safety. and healing, and friends, and peace. lots different from each other and lots the same. again, i relate very strongly to this character. i was not in a mindset where i was able to be kind to myself. or think sympathetically about myself. i think i fixated so much on this character, became obsessed with finding stories where he gets told and he experiences all the things i think i wanted to be told and i wanted to experience. i couldn’t accept it, even the concept, directly. but i devoured and absorbed a billion pixels of a character very similar to me accepting it. it’s the closest the concept could have gotten to me and i’m embarrassed i only recently realized this link and that that was what i was doing considering it is obvious, and common, and normal. maybe not “healthy” but like. let’s not get into healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms rn bec i promise you the fanfic and the fiction fixation is not even at the top of the list lol

FAST FORWARD it’s september 2019. the movie is in theaters.

my mom is still dead. but. a lot has happened to me. i have happened to some people. i’ve been thru some more things now. dipped my toes and eventually completely submerged and perhaps am drowning in the entire Romance/Love/Sex section of human experience. again, let’s not get into it. but it’s a LOT.

i don’t quite have the same relationship with fiction and fanfiction as i used to. it’s been only 2 years since leaving my mother’s house, but i feel as though galaxies could fit in between the girl back there and the one here. but they’re the same! i’m working on understanding that.

i love this character and this show so much. i loved the film. there are problems- the writing and plotting is not nearly as neat and crisp and sharp. it’s more smooth, almost to a loss of definition, and instead of quick-wit it feels just... fast. there’s no time to really dive in in a film, so i’ll forgive all that, but it’s a flaw that should be mentioned. but it’s not a flaw that prevents joy in the film. i was overjoyed watching it. the things i wanted for thomas all happened. all the characters and relationships were... smoothed, i can’t describe it any other way. i feel like the bumps and corners and quirks and hidden pockets of them were just smoothed away. we know they’re there because we watched the show, but the film doesn’t- can’t- show them all.

it was frustrating for me to see thomas smoothed in this way, but also satisfying, because while he absolutely one of a kind, unique, damaged, and layered, and contradictory, really a marvelous character and well-built... he is just like everyone else. and i think he would love and hate that and i love and hate that about myself.

for this reason, i really enjoyed a scene where he refuses to help carson. carson is flustered and overworked, in a crisis, and asks barrow for help, and thomas refuses, with a smile. i adored it. carson is one of thomas’ worst ... opponents, i could say. carson hurls homophobic abuse at and about thomas several times during the series, casts aspersions on him in the film as well, and he can choke. i love that even though towards the end of the show and yes during the rest of the film thomas’ sharp edges got smoothed away, but they put this one in and it catches you right on the bone how it should- an older woman in my theater actually gasped, offended, when thomas refused to help and carson was left to flounder. i, on the other hand, thought, “that’s my boy,” and leaned back in my seat satisfied. it might be my fav moment in the film. surprising considering the AMAZING joy and tenderness thomas gets to experience in the movie (but, i think that’s just my taste right now due to a personal heartbreak i won’t get into). like, they shoved him outside, carson shoved him outside, outside the realm of normal, and this is a moment of carson needing his help and thomas going, “no, remember how you used to treat me? remember how you secretly think of me? i do. i won’t forget. good luck! bye!” and then goes on to have a terrible wonderful adventure, while someone funny and kind finally falls in love with him, he gets to stand up for himself to the crawleys in the beginning of the film as well and i just felt elated watching that scene.

i could probably write essays about the love and romance portion of his storyline in the movie. but i’m just not in the headspace to do that right now super in depth but.

i’m also annoyed he had to experience yet ANOTHER homophobic plotline. he goes out to a gay club for literally The First Time and gets arrested and called a dirty pervert. i remember this being my exact fear for the movie. like “imagine if thomas goes to a gay club and gets arrested? that would suck!!!” and that is exactly what happens. but at least it’s so quick, i genuinely think that entire plot is like 6 short scenes max. why is julian fellowes obsessed with having this character, the ONE main queer character, suffer solely because he is gay? experience so many gay-specific agonies, the depths of which i just really doubt he, fellowes, can understand. it’s really, really, disappointing. but consistent as the show did this as well. smh. at least he gets out, and his lover, richard, goes to bat for him in this movie TWICE!!!!! and stares at him with stars in his eyes, soft and enamoured? while thomas is oblivious?? I’VE READ THIS FIC BEFORE!!!! so yes that was VERY cute and all i ever fucking wanted

it’s just funny how fiction touches us differently depending on what we’re going through, especially for those of us that were lonely, neglected, children, ones who grew up with favorite characters instead of friends. i might be more “normal” i might be more “sociable” i might have more “life experience” than i used to but this fangirl inside is just not going anywhere.

this was just a ramble, i wrote it with no point in mind and i’m not rereading or editing it lol. enjoy this vague update into my life/movie review/character meta lol

#personal #i wrote this #downton abbey #thomas barrow #spoilers #death tw #suicide tw #tp

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greivous-bodily-harm · 5 years

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five years

title: five years

pairing: bellamy blake x clarke griffin

setting: (current) clarke’s pov, somewhere between 6x10 and 6x11

prompt: time travel where the present bellarke comes across future bellarke and madness ensues

notes: ok so posted this and then it deleted itself when i went to add a tag which - first off all, rude - second, is hella annoying bc i didn’t actually save the doc i typed it in buttttt using my superior intellect (which is my nickname for google) i was able to recover the doc and i actually saved it this time but hopefully it doesn’t delete itself again.

anyway, here it is:

Clarke, frankly, finds it quite hard to believe. I mean, it’s insane right? Sure, they’ve been through hell and back, and they’ve seen some weird shit in their time but… time travel? That’s too far, even for her. And yet, there she is, future her.

“Wait,” Bellamy, who had been sitting on a rock with his head in his hands the whole time, finally stands, “so you’re… us… from the future?”

Future Bellamy and Clarke sigh frustratedly.

“Yes,” she replies, “I know it’s confusing and weird and completely impossible but honestly the quicker you wrap your head around this, the better.”

“Ok,” Clarke scoffs, “no need to get bitchy.”

“Yeah,” both Bellamys agree at once.

“On second thought,” Clarke looks between the two, “I might need another minute to get my head around this too.”

“Come on,” Future Clarke insists, “I don’t how much time we have!”

“She’s right,” Future Bellamy stands next to her and slides his hand into hers, “we need to figure this out. Now.”

Clarke turns to them, “ok, but if you don’t know how this happened, then how can you know that it’s really that dangerous.”

The two time travellers exchange a look. Finally, Future Clarke speaks up, “there are certain things we know that we can’t tell you. All you need to know is that this is a time-sensitive issue and we need to figure out how to get ourselves back home.”

“Ok,” Bellamy walks forward, beginning to pace in that familiar way that means he’s brainstorming, “first of all: where is home for you guys? Second: when is home? Third… I still don’t understand what the fuck is going on.”

They exchange glances again, “home is the Eligius ship, five years from now.”

Clarke coughs, “I’m sorry, did you say the Eligius ship? Again? Mind giving some clarification as to how the fuck we ended up back on there?”

Future Bellamy runs his fingers through his hair, “listen, it’s like Clarke said – Future Clarke, sorry – we don’t know how much time we have before things start… going wrong.”

“Going wrong?” Bellamy’s brows furrow in confusion. Just as he says this, both Clarkes double over in pain. Clarke’s hit with a sharp stabbing pain in her gut, she feels like she’s going to throw up, or spontaneously combust, or both.

“The baby,” Future Clarke whispers as both Bellamys reach for their respective Clarkes.

“Wait,” both Clarke and Bellamy pause, “did you just say baby?”

Future Clarke nods weakly as both Clarkes sit down. And she just can’t help it, Clarke blurts out, “whose baby?”

Future Clarke doesn’t answer, simply looking between the two Bellamys.

Clarke and Bellamy’s eyes widen with shock. She looks up at the same time he looks down at her and their gazes meet and she doesn’t know what to do with this information. In the future, she’s going to be pregnant with Bellamy’s baby?

“Not if we don’t sort this out,” Future Clarke answers her thought. Clarke stares in horror, can you hear me? She nods.

“Why can’t I hear you?” Clarke begins to ask but she’s distracted by the Bellamys apparently locked in a furious head conversation.

“You can if you try hard enough,” Future Clarke assures her, stealing back her attention. Clarke strains her head and manages to pick up the faintest whisper. Soon, the whisper turns into a clear voice. Her voice. But not quite her.

I know he’s ridiculously hot in that Sanctum jacket but can you please stop staring at Bellamy and focus up?

Clarke rolls her eyes.

Oh, fuck off!

“Just saying,” Future Clarke murmurs.

Clarke opens her mouth to retort but both are assaulted with another bout of agony. “Fuck!” both Clarkes groan simultaneously.

Future Clarke turns to her Bellamy, “we need to get home, I don’t know what’s happening but it’s not good for Helene.”

Before Bellamy or Clarke can ask anymore questions, Octavia comes striding into the tent. “Hey guys, Gabriel and I ar- What the fuck?” she drops off, looking up to see the two sets of doppelgangers.

Clarke is about to explain but she realises she doesn’t really have an explanation for what’s happening right now, so she ends up babbling something like, “Octavia, this is me and Bellamy from five years in the future and future me is pregnant and we need to get them home but we don’t know how and also Bellamy’s the father.”

Octavia takes a few moments to clock this and then gives a small nod. “Ok,” she says slowly, “future you and Bellamy. Baby. Get home. Bellamy’s the father.” She stalls, only just realising the last thing she’d said, “Bellamy’s the father?”

“That’s what you’re dwelling on?” Future Bellamy asks incredulously. Clarke’s Bellamy just looks between the three of them looking more lost than Clarke thinks she’s ever seen him look.

Octavia brightens, “what about the anomaly?”

“Yes!” both Clarkes cry.

“That’s brilliant, O,” Future Bellamy smiles. Clark looks to her Bellamy who’s focusing real hard on a little spot in the corner of the floor, still, she can see the guilt hiding behind his outwardly neutral expression.

She reaches out to stroke his arm reassuringly, “come on. The anomaly will work.”

He nods, taking a moment to shove back the emotion that she can see threatening to spill out. “Yeah, it will.”

Totally not thinking about him like that at all

Shut up

I’m just sayin-

Shut. Up.

“You’re grumpy,” Future Clarke whispers as she walks past them.

Clarke doesn’t even deign it with a response. Why was she such a nag in the future? she wondered grumpily.

Heard that

Don’t care

“You coming, Octavia?” Bellamy asks tentatively.

She smiles sympathetically, “I don’t really think this is a journey for me. Gabriel’s out the front, though, he’ll tell you where to go but once you get to a certain point, the anomaly will start to call you itself. Promise you won’t go in there, though, ok? Just your future self.”

Bellamy nods solemnly, “I’ll see you later, Octavia. I promise.”

Clarke knows how hard this is for him, finding a way to forgive his sister whilst also not falling back into toxic patterns. It’s so hard but he’s so strong.

“Let’s go,” she whispers, taking his hand and walking out of the tent. Up ahead, she sees their future selves talking to a very confused looking Gabriel. He points North and Future Clarke and Bellamy look back to check on them.

“Right behind you,” Clarke assures them.

“You sure you know what you’re doing?” Gabriel pulls her aside.

“Nope, but what have we got to lose? Just our future.”

Gabriel gives a small laugh at that, shaking his head, “well, good luck.”

After walking for about half an hour, the pain in Clarke’s gut is just getting progressively worse and she’s ready to just throw in the towel.

“Can we stop for just a minute?” she pants, bending over and bracing herself against a nearby tree. When she pulls her hand away, it comes back sticky and green. “What the hell is this stuff?”

“The anomaly,” Future Clarke whispers, “we must be close.”

Clarke nods, taking a deep inhale and standing up again, they have to keep moving. Bellamy reaches out to brush her arm.

“How you holding up?”

“Just fantastic,” she sighs. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t think babies are supposed to hurt this much unless you’re actually giving birth.”

“Gotta be honest,” he smiles softly, “I don’t know much about time travelling babies.”

She rolls her eyes, “neither. All I know is that they hurt like a bitch.”

He laughs and she grins up at him.

Kiss him

She shakes her head, averting her gaze and pressing forwards.

Butt out

Listen, I know the only reason you haven’t done it already is because you’re scared

You don’t know anything

She pressed on as if Clarke hadn’t said anything, but I can 100% tell you he wants to kiss you just as much as you want to kiss him – if not more, actually

You don’t know that for sure

Future Clarke rolls her eyes, wanna bet?

She turns to her Bellamy and tilts her head up, without even having to communicate, he leans down to meet her lips and leaves her with a soft but chaste kiss that looks it’s been done a thousand times before. Clarke and Bellamy shift uncomfortably.

“What’s up with them?” Future Bellamy whispers way too loudly.

His Clarke raises her eyebrows expectantly, waiting for him to bridge the gap by himself.

“Oh!” he gasps suddenly, “this is before… Oh! I understand now, this is why they’re being so weird.”

“We’re literally right here,” Clarke huffs.

“Kiss already!” her future self heckles. Clarke turns beet red, coughing. She’s so distracted by the crushing embarrassment she effectively thrust upon herself that she misplaces her foot and stumbles. Before she can hit the ground, two pairs of hands dart out to catch her. One pair quickly withdraws itself and she’s left standing in her Bellamy’s arms.

“Um,” she coughs again, making no attempt to move away from his grasp, “thanks.” She looks up again into those rich, brown eyes.

“No problem,” he whispers hoarsely. He opens his mouth to say something but is cut off by Future Bellamy whistling at them.

“Yoo hoo, lovebirds, we found it!”

Why is he calling us lovebirds? You two are literally the ones having a baby together, she grumbles.

Maybe you should ask your Bellamy, they are almost the same person after all

Clarke figures that’s the end of that conversation and rushes forwards to catch up to the other two, not needing to look back to know Bellamy is right behind her. They burst through a final row of trees into a clearing, ahead of them is a wall of Clarke can only describe as green light mist.

“This is it?” Clarke assumes it is because if it’s not the anomaly then what the fuck is it?

“This is it,” Future Bellamy confirms.

“Well, I guess this is goodbye then,” Clarke states with reluctance.

“I guess so,” the other her replies.

“It was really great to get to meet you – weird, but great,” Bellamy tells them, but he still sounds confused. Clarke doesn’t blame him, she feels the same way.

“I’m glad we got this opportunity,” Future Clarke concurs.

“Is it weird that I’m going to miss you guys?” Clarke asks.

“No, I feel the same.”

For some reason, Clarke feels herself holding back tears. Another sharp hit of pain in her gut cuts the goodbyes short, reminding them of the overwhelming time pressure.

She goes in to hug her other self, Future Clarke whispers in her ear, “remember what I said.” Clarke squeezes her back then pulls away, nodding.

Clarke stands back with Bellamy as the watch the couple who look so much like them, and yet so much different, walk hand-in-hand, disappearing amongst the green.

“How do we know if it worked?” Clarke whispers.

Bellamy grins and turns to face her, “we wait five years.”

Clarke laughs, “yeah. Five years.”

If Clarke has discovered anything from this experience, it’s that a lot can change in five years.

#the 100 #bellarke #fics #my fics #blarke wine club

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fair-fae · 6 years

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this is nervewracking to ask, but i'm going to do it anyway. what did cyril do that was abusive? i can't see it, and honestly that just makes me scared that i do some of the same things and don't recognize it.

Hey, anon! This is a perfectly fine question and there’s nothing wrong with asking it (the issues lies in people who don’t see the abuse and then decided obviously that means it’s just not happening… and then go the extra mile of harassing the victim and their supporters). Thank you for asking! I’ll try to explain as best as I can, but the best advice I can give is to Google signs of emotional abuse and you can find a lot of lists of certain behaviors. Most are framed in terms of romantic relationships, but they can happen with friends, family, RP partners–anyone, in real life and online alike.Cut for length and general sensitive content dealing with emotional abuse and the dreaded “drama”

Here are some common ones that imo appeared in the logs:Isolation

Abusers often try to isolate victims from their friends/family and any other relations they might have. A sad and lonely victim makes for an easier target, as does one with no support network to help them escape their abuser. It also means less people around to find out about the abuser’s true nature. In the logs we see him try to cast doubt on her friends, telling her that her friends were bothering him and calling him “her keeper” or coming to him about her private conversations with them that they were displeased about (yet refusing to say who, to leave her questioning everyone), not mentioning her friends and tumblr followers were worried about her and trying to reach her until after the fact, etc.Walking on EggshellsA lot of people in abusive relationships describe it as feeling like “walking on eggshells.” They try to avoid doing things that might set off their abuser… but their abuser has to keep them from being content and confident to keep them in control, so they’ll find smaller and more irrational things to get upset at them about. Replying “if you want” to being asked about taking screenshots becomes a point of contention. “When are you going to stop being sad?” becomes an angry question. She’s blamed for deleting her own blog even though he knew she did it for her health/happiness. She’s blamed for the smallest inconvenience of people asking him if she’s okay even though she has no control over them choosing to reach out to him and for the most part didn’t even have any knowledge of it. Rather than answer them or ask them to stop contacting him, he ignores them, then blames her for him continuing to receive questions from them and the perception he believes that people think he had a falling out with her.

Gaslighting

This is what I saw the most of them in the logs and the most alarming thing. Gaslighting is turning everything around on the victim and making them doubt their own memory/sanity/intelligence/credibility. No, that didn’t really happen, you’re lying. No, what I did to you wasn’t that bad, it was normal, you’re just dramatic. No, I didn’t really say that, you’re misremembering. It’s a lot of lies, justifications, twisting words and scenarios, and taking things out of context.You can see how everything is spun as her fault and actually hurting him. Her deleting her blog is her fault. Him receiving messages about it is her fault. Her not doing anything about the messages is her fault, even though he just now told her it was bothering him, even though he just now told her he was still even receiving them past the first couple ones. Her being unhappy is her fault and a bother for him. Her not being enthused enough to do things with him is her fault, why doesn’t she appreciate that he so generously offered to hang out just to make her feel better? Obviously it’s all because she just hates him. He’s not treating her like an inconvenience, that’s just her mental illness telling her that. She tries to talk to him about her feelings and the way he’s treating her, and rather than acknowledging it, he turns it around–rather illogically and irrationally–about how he is actually the one being mistreated and inconvenienced.Passive Aggression

A classic way to make people feel like shit but then pretend you did nothing and act like it’s all in their head. Look at the language he uses. Calling her “childish and rash” for “expecting” him to answer messages about her even though she never said she expected that. “It’s better than nothing” when she tries to do something to address the people messaging him as soon as she finds out it’s bothering him. “I don’t think you handled something well - whatever - people handle things in different ways” in regards to her deleting her blog for her own happiness. “I would have hoped we could resolve the problem if we’d talked it over” as if he wasn’t the obstacle in that.Those are just a few examples from the first album (the others get into less passive aggression, and more… downright aggression but still have plenty of examples, “delete them - so you don’t just repost them later without my knowledge again.”).ControllingnessThe staple of abuse is an attempt to control the victim. Look how weirdly hung up he is on her deleting her own blog and not doing it in a way he approved of (I almost wonder if he’s upset because he lost the status points of having a “tumblr famous” ship partner?). Look at how, even after they stopped being friends, he wants to keep her character on his ship page after she’d asked him to remove it and he admits to intentionally doing it to make her talk to him and give him leverage over her. Look at how he won’t let her go talk to her own friends in private for advice regarding him and shames her for it being an invasion of “privacy,” as if the logs showed some personal/RL info and not just him being unreasonable. Look at how concerned he is with people on tumblr not assuming the two of them are on bad terms. Look at how, even after they stop being friends, he browses her blogs for posts he believes are about him and tries to tell her what she can and can’t say on her own blogs.It’s evident in his branding post, as well. If people cut ties with him on terms he doesn’t like, they can’t RP having a brand–because he said so. Even if they change the story of how they received it and what character gave it to them. Even if they had that idea before they met him and asked him to RP it with them. Even if they change the look of the brand so it’s no longer his design. This isn’t even a unique idea or something he came up with on his own. Branding slaves has been a RL practice. It’s been made into a trope with… pretty much every fictional slave storyline.And while I’m generally of the opinion of the opinion that IC =/= OOC, IC does not exist within a void unaffected by OOC and vice versa. It’s just speculation since there’s nothing wrong with RPing the type of character he does, but there could very well be a reason he’s drawn to an antagonist/rapist/slaver/abuser/sadist/kidnapper type character.Lack of Care for BoundariesShe says she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, she blocks him, she asks him to delete her number, so what does he do? He not only keeps her number, but texts her because he hopes she hasn’t blocked him there, too. Not even to make an apology, just to say “I would have hoped we could resolve the problem if we’d talked it over” as if he hadn’t been an obstacle in that and “if you change your mind, I’ll be here” to put the onus of fixing the problem on her. When that doesn’t seem to get a response? He keeps their ship on his page despite her asking him to delete it and says, “I used it to make a point, since I knew that you wouldn’t continue the conversation unless I had something to get your attention.” He knows she doesn’t want to talk to him, so rather than honoring it or even finding a respectable way to approach her and make amends… he’s does something against her wishes that he know will upset her so she’ll feel compelled to reluctantly reach out to him. And when he gets that platform he wanted, does he use it to apologize? Nooope! He uses it as leverage to make her delete her screenshots of their conversation.Ultimatums How do you make someone do something they want to do? Give them an alternative that’s even worse. You want your name removed from my ship list so people don’t think you’re associated with me after you’ve realized I’m not someone you want to be around? You have to message me, delete your logs of our conversation, and not say anything about me. You don’t want me to embarrass you by posting logs of your confession to me and me rejecting you? You shouldn’t do things I don’t like, then… oh, but I’d never actually do that, don’t worry, silly! :) :) :)General Narcissism There are numerous times he demands he should be more appreciated. I did all these things to try to cheer up you, be grateful no matter how I’m treating you now. I’ve been so nice to you, how dare you say you feel like I don’t care even when I’m disregarding your feelings. Heck, look at the posts about his rules regarding his branding. He acts like it’s a revolutionary idea he came up with all his own and anyone he’s RPing with is being graced with this groundbreaking idea and if they keep some element of it in their RP after cutting ties with him they’re just “piggy-backing off" his time, effort, and energy to make up for their “lack of creativity” like srsly dude??Even though he refuses to apologize or acknowledge any wrongdoing, he really wants her to forgive and her to make things up to him, to still be his friend, to still have a positive opinion of him so he won’t lose that control. He can’t just let things die. Look at how many times he brings up being “villified” to her friends, the community, etc. He is desperate to have the world see him in a good light, which goes back to the other things mentioned. Control over the perceptions people have of him. The power of popularity and being liked to better isolate victims. Respect from the community to lend credibility that he’s trustworthy and definitely not gaslighting.

And not directed at you, anon, but in general.. for all the people trying to spin at as someone mad they got rejected who was actually terrorizing him… really? The only person who brought up her feelings in the logs was him doing it to spite her. idk I’ve dealt with a lot of admirers not taking rejection well and lemme tell you, I don’t invite them to hang out IRL (I try to avoid seeing them IRL, actually), I don’t ask them to hang out with me in game, I don’t go to lengths to contact them when they’ve blocked them, I don’t ship with them and try to parade it on my blog even after the ship has been retconned, I don’t desperately try to stay in contact with them and convince them to see me in a positive light, I don’t manipulate them into messaging me when I know they don’t want to talk, I don’t try to control their lives and their blogs, and I definitely don’t threaten them with ultimatums. Honestly, nobody deserves that in any context, even if they were a terrible person themselves.

#discourse #long post #longpost

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hereitalkonandon · 6 years

Text

Some songs

I love reading what you say but I don't mind it when you don't write much, or that you don't answer my questions or say anything about most parts, it's not frustrating for me, in a way I'm relieved that I didn't take that much of your time when it happens.

I only feel it could be unfair to make you read so much about myself and take so much of your time without even doing the same thing myself, I highly doubt I could write something that long to you ever again unless it's an answer to one of your letters, so it's now sort of a vicious circle.

There's only so much I can ramble about even if I could do it forever since I would only be repeating myself as you said we would when it comes to shipping, and even if I do it so often, I try hard to not do it as much with you. I still end up failing but I always delete half of what I had originally written so that's something.

At first it was just because I was talking about things you didn't know about myself since you didn't know anything, but now you know almost everything I could tell you. I spend a lot of time doing the same activities and being into the same hobbies, just today I ran for two hours, as I've been doing for over ten years.

So what you said about me knowing your thoughts on shipping and all that, it's why I never talked about it before until now that you mentioned it, I figured there wasn't much we could say about it, other than my thoughts, but I've already told you what they are.

Whenever I felt a bit shocked about finding you, just going through your blog and thinking it was interesting and that you aren't like a real person, I would remember that I had already realized that it wasn't odd, I found you because you were so into something that not many people are into, it's only not super rare because ASOIAF/GOT is really popular.

It's not weird then, people are normally drawn to things that they relate to. And you clearly relate to Cersei and her relationship so it makes sense that I would find you.

I don't lie to people but I tend to do things like not being open about what I'm feeling and pretending I don't care about things, that I forgot something, that something is not a big deal, and making them wait when there isn't really any need.

A lot of dumb things, and I've never done that to you other than with the anons at first, because I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, knowing so many things.

I feel that sooner or later we will have nothing to say because such is life and your world is this really big place and you have all those dreams, even if I'm not exactly empty, my love for my ex-girlfriend has crippled me and it's the only personality trait I have

But it has been something different, being honest about what I'm feeling, answering right away, well as soon as I'm able to, telling you I spent hours doing nothing but writing you a letter, that I lost sleep over some of them and your blog. I'm happy that I got to know what that feels like and that I got to share thoughts with you. I'm so reserved and also often thinking about my pride, so it's the first time I do this and I don't intend to do it with someone else any time soon because I've never actually met someone that I could relate to. But I don't think we have a lot in common regardless.

I've no doubt that I could end up meeting many people, maybe in twenty or thirty years, even if I'm not intending to, but if so, that I could forget a lot of things of these days, but I know I won't forget how it felt and how important it was to me for a while.

I never cry and though I can feel pity and worry about others, I was barely a human anymore after my ex-girlfriend left when it came to anything but my feelings for her, now because of these days, I've somehow cried sometimes, I wouldn't even understand it if I tried, and I feel that even if this were to be the last interaction we had, because of you I've started gaining something back and that I'll slowly keep becoming who I used to be before it all went wrong, whether I want it or not.

Then maybe I'm just too emotional right now and I'll be the same trash I've been these four years in no time. I can't know that, and even though I wouldn't be hurting you or anyone else, I would feel like I lied today if I didn't say it.

I'm glad that something that long had some use to you, a distraction from work. I've seen you complain about your boss and I thought you were probably right about him but when I saw the post where you talked about the time he asked you if you really hated men that much, because of your picture of Eowyn, and saying men like girly women, I was sure he is the type of man that I tend to find the most annoying.

It means a lot to me that something I wrote could make you feel emotional even if you are already feeling that way, so though I wasn't expecting any comment about it because I was well aware my letter was too long, thank you for letting me know that.

And thank you for encouraging me to write, I honestly feel like poetry isn't for me, because I would only enjoy writing the kind of thing that I sent you, and the problem is that I would also just be repeating myself all over again, so that's why I would rather not try, I'm already sure of the way it would end.

But eventually I would like to find similar poetry, years from now, I think, so I can read it. I have a lot of free time, due to not having a social life, and at the same time I always need more time. I'm always angry that the day is over. I like the nights better though. I just mean I hate it when I have to go to sleep.

I already write what I want, just using my journals. I hate embarrassing myself, so since I'm aware I've no experience or anything, that's why I've been bringing it up in all my letters whenever I say I love writing. I just enjoy it a lot, but I don't believe that I'll ever feel the need to write for a public, other than also loving to write letters.

You said that maybe eternal love isn't for you, I can believe it if you mean you don't see yourself loving someone forever and that sooner or later you could get bored of them. Otherwise, and at your age, being who you are, I think it's more than likely that there will be enough men wanting to love you forever and if they are lucky they might be worth it.

And even if you said that you can't tell me how to live my life, I still appreciate reading what you truly think about things, as I've told you before, (and lately that's the problem, there isn't much I haven't told you before) so I enjoyed everything about that letter, and it was so insightful, the only problem with it is that I am who I am, but I believe the things you said are what anyone with common sense would want to do in my situation, probably what I would want someone to tell the children I won't have because I don't want them, to anyone that is important to me

I would want them to strive to be healthy and happy, I wouldn't care so much about them prioritizing purpose, like I do with my own life. The way many people do, I see what answer makes the most sense, what I would want for others, and then I choose something entirely different

I agree that you are probably loved half-halfheartedly right now, but not because of who you are or because of your boyfriend even, but because most people go through life only loving as much as that, it's not crazy that you happen to have a partner that probably, at least as of now, can only love in the way that most people love. And it wouldn't be crazy to go through other five boyfriends in a row that can't give you enough.

It's one of the reasons I relate to you, my ex-girlfriend once wrote "he wanted all of nothing" after our break up, and she was right, she didn't know a lot of things about herself but I can't say she didn't know me.

The way that I am I could never try something that didn't feel like the most intense thing ever from the very beginning, but I can see how actually dating people is the fastest or easiest way to eventually find that relationship too, and so I see why you are with him.

But being who you are, it's possible that if he doesn't eventually love you in a way that can give you back what you have been craving, then you'll move on from that relationship some day, however long that takes, and there's no need to hurry and end this one as long as you want to be with him.

It's just that I find it so hard to believe, to wrap my mind around it, that someone like you won't end up being loved in the way that she wants, and that I honestly believe that you deserve, the fact that you have the depth to realize that kind of love exists, understand it, and miss it, is enough to make me even mad that you can't have it now, even if you don't need it.

After spending so many hours both reading your blog and writing to you, it made my day to read that you no longer love him, even if it were only half-truth. From what I understood he took advantage of you and he doesn't deserve a thing from you.

But when it comes to that, I've spent all my life living like this, to me it seems almost impossible to get over that sort of love, without taking into account that you have so many other interests and that you haven't spent as much time with that person in your head as I have, it makes sense that you only think about him because you wish you could have that feeling again.

Whatever happens with your current boyfriend, what I believe you won't regret, is moving forward from your relationship with your first ex-boyfriend, and that's the best you can do.

I didn't have much to say other than repeating myself and because your letter was brief but I also didn't try to make it longer since I imagine you will have long days and be busy and then tired.

I saw that you asked for song recommendations on your blog, so these are a few that I love. Nantes, Elephant Gun, My night with the prostitute from Marseille, A candle's fire, and Cherbourg, all by Beirut, maybe you already know some of them because of the cover Florence Welch did

And then You and Me by Delays, I feel you would enjoy this one because of the lyrics, his voice annoys me but I put up with it.

Then there is this group that only had two albums called The Cinematics, perhaps you wouldn't like their sound, I think most of them have the same feeling, but I love A Strange Education, (it's also the name of one of the albums) it makes me so emotional for some reason, New Mexico, and Chase.

So I'm of course not expecting you to listen to them, and while I could just write a lot of songs that I like I decided to write the ones that I think you aren't as likely to come across by yourself, and that I find so moving that if you ever have the time to listen to them maybe you could find at least one that you enjoy.

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