#i literally feel like im about to explode. i dont have a therapist anymore so im just venting here lol forgive me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

saintobio · 2 years

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SY YN is gonna be my favorite yn of all fics I’ve read. Her character is complex. She’s very human and very relatable. She’s weak and strong at the same time. She’s proof that a kind and generous person is also capable in doing foolish mistakes yet brave enough to own them. There are only two things I see she made a mistake is first, she didn’t divorce Gojo immediately after finding out Sera and continuosly hoping for Gojo to love her at the end and second, her hiding Sachiro and faking the abortion. That’s it. Can’t understand the hate to yn and would like her to end with Toji cause that’s what she deserves. I am really disappointed with Utahime. But knowing yn, she’s definitely hurt because she feels like, Utahime chose Gojo over her, their friendship isn’t that much value for Utahime to disrespect and betray her like that no matter what Gojo and yn’s status is. Of course Gojo has a fair share of it too. He’s always the same, he always do what what he think isn’t right but still do it anyway. Always delaying in communicating things. I need to calm my nerves. Geez

Anonymous said

the previous ask about yn calling gojo her husband yn baby i really love u pls pls pls just get over gojo properly saint can u write me in as yn's bff I CAN FIX HER i can be her bestest friend in the whole word her therapist her maid her girlfriend her platonic soulmate whatever it is she NEEDS a proper support system that can steer her on a better path and not be associated with gojo, aside from her own family and toji. im taking back what i said about gojohime happening being painful, what's more painful is yn being this way. i hate how almost no one sees how she's literally coping terribly with everything and i also hate how she's refusing to get help from someone she knows or a therapist... it seems like she's giving up on life and sachiro is literally her only lifeline. i hate seeing her as a mess rn and for the future chapters of sy... saint i'll beg on my knees for yn's happiness and sanity 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽 plsplsplspls my god this fic is always making me cry because i feel so sad for yn and in a way, im always in her position to feel that no one is on my side, everyone is against me and just kept on bottling my feelings till it explode later on :"))))) i wasn't fond of reading jjk self-insert fics but i came across sn and fell in love with yn's character. from the start of sn till now, im always on her side (though i do criticise her for some of actions because im aware that she do make mistakes) and yn is literally one of my four comfort characters in life aaaah she's the only reason why im willing to put myself in misery (from the fic) again and again im so sad

Anonymous said

I will always be on yn’s side, like wtf no one but her and sachi should have a happy ending, like I really hope Gojo’s relationship with uta crumbles, he needs to grow and learn on his own and not get his dick wet with every woman that gives him attention 🙄

Anonymous said

Saint, im gonna be completely honest. I dont think I can read chapter 8 🥲 and why do I imagine yn getting a literal broken heart medical diagnosis after all this ends. I dont think I can hold on to gojoyn endgame SY7 is so painful I have puffy eyes for the past couple of hours now. i dont think I can go on anymore (tho of this is a lie bc I have you on my notifications and I just wanna hurt someone) I just want yn to have eternal rest and see her mom. I have mixed emotions bc omg idk, i just dont know. Your heavy angst is godtier writing that I literally have no idea what to feel but cryh the fuck out of my tear glands. I just hope we can all get through this (especially yn, poor girl)

Anonymous said

i knew people were going to question why yn broke down after finding out about satoru and utahime. okay… as someone who experienced having a close friend and an ex suddenly getting together… it’s different if it’s someone you know and trust. i know she told satoru to move on, but of course, she never told him to move on WITH MY BEST FRIEND. i also read someone say before that toji and satoru aren’t even friends but utahime and yn are… and not only friends but BEST FRIENDS. so before anyone compares it, IT’S DIFFERENT. give yn a break… y’all have been invalidating her feelings ever since sn. 💀

Anonymous said

I don't think yn feeling betrayed when utahime and satoru got together is invalid at all, I mean if my best friend got together with my ex husband who is also my baby daddy, I too would feel betrayed. Especially with all this drama is going on, the least she could have done is wait for satoru and yn to sort out their feelings and then try her turn with satoru.

Anonymous said

This chapter hurt so bad. Y/n definitely has every reason to be sad or hurt. There’s a difference between dating ur exes rival than sleeping with your exes best friend in my opinion. Utahime’s loyalty lies with Yn. In which she just broke by sleeping w her ex husband knowing all the damage he caused her (vise versa). Toji doesn’t owe gojo any loyalty so in my lil head it’s different . IM SO MAD FOR YN SHE HANDLED THAT BETTER THAN ME LMAOAOOAOAOAOA I would’ve been throwing hands cuz wtf.

Good chapter as always saint 🥲 you always know how to pull at my heart strings .

Anonymous said

ofc yn doesn’t own utahime or gojo and they can do whatever they want, but friendship requires loyalty too and imo, that means not hooking up with an ex on an ongoing basis and hiding it. i don’t think it’s fair to expect yn to keep being friends with utahime after that, especially considering yn said she wanted to get rid of anything that reminded her of gojo and move on. yn in the story is definitely a better person than i am lmao if i was in that situation i doubt i would care about him breaking utahimes heart.

also, just something i was wondering!! utahime mentions she’s falling in love with gojo — how long have they known each other at this point, and are her feelings more infatuation/wanting to fix him than actual love? sorry if you already answered this somewhere and i missed it.

yn is very emotionally flawed, we can’t deny that. she also makes questionable decisions, but her character is just innately unselfish that you feel bad for her sometimes 🥲 at least that’s how i feel when i have to write her pov i’m always like “damn, it’s ok girl you got this”. anyways, still so glad to see yn defenders in the ask box!! :)))

*edited bc i forgot to answer the last question. for a couple of months now, like 4-5? it’s not actual love. just infatuation and “i can’t stop thinking abt you” type of admiration

#🖤: letters to saint #series: sincerely yours

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searidings · 3 years

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HELLO I finally finished RTRO this ones a doozy it was amazing i loved it here r my THOTS

- you said you hope the ending of this obliterates me and i hope so too <3

- “There’s a terror that tugs at her heart sometimes, when she thinks about Lena.” this makes me want to eat rocks /pos

- ALDJAKDJAF “What the fuck Alex? I do a GOOD JOB of hiding my crippling fear of being left behind!”

- I need Kara “Abandonment Issues” Danvers to go to therapy pls <3

- BAHAHAH I THOUGHT KELLY WAS GONNA BE HER THERAPIST?? nvm that would probably be a conflict of interest

- Kara “goes catatonic for two hours, explodes a pillow, and cries in the shower” Danvers i love you so much

- “Who have you lost, Kara?” “Everyone.” IM GONNA COME TO YOUR HOUSE

- OH SO THIS IS THE HEIGHT MARKING SCENE this is taking me out at the kneecaps

- I feel like i’m so bad at articulating any actual thoughts cause I’m just screaming about the little moments as i read. But literally its like! It really is the little things!! They’re finally getting to where they can just have lunch together again, and see movies and go for bike rides. And Karas trying to do things that are meaningful for Lena like carving their heights in the door! Its all the little things they do that actually say “I love you” theres no One Big Gesture Kara can do to prove she loves Lena. okay i need to shut the fuck up im yearning

- BLEASE LENAS GOING TO ARGO

- literally every scene i think theyre gonna kiss

- Lena touching Karas hand “with an attention that borders on adoration” dont TALK to me dont LOOK at me

- A SMALL BOX???

- “She can’t ever, ever let Lena go. Not without her knowing that she’s scored onto the very fabric of Kara’s existence” I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE GOD IM COMING UP jesus faye this one im

- “Im choosing you, Lena. For as long as I can. Forever.” “Will you choose me?” STOPP

- “planting a Dar-Essa flower for her. Here, in the garden, under the trees.” this is where i fucking cracked dude. like crying so hard i cant read

- I? Like. The Dar Essa was supposed to grow for Kara, but got messed up. Red Daughter was Kara, in a way, but mistreated and lied to. And now that this is all over she can replant the Dar Essa and maybe itll grow for the both of them, and they can have this new start together.

- “I wish she could be here.” // “She is.” im gonna die i cant. they ask you how you are and you just have to say that youre fine-

- I cant even like. the devastation of bringing it back to Red Daughter at the end. I am obliterated <3

- Anyway booking my flight rn im gonna come punch you

BRO IM REALLY OUT HERE DROWNING IN LOV RN

#this has made my entire day #nay; WEEK #im glad u enjoyed and also were gently obliterated <3 #that came out dirtier than intended my apologies #dude i fucking LOVE writing limited third person pov especially from kara's perspective #because the opportunities to set everything up so clearly for the reader while still having kara 'dumbass' danvers completely oblivious #are literally LIMITLESS #ie kara 'nobody knows about my crippling abandonment issues because i do SUCH a good job of hiding them :)' danvers my beloved <3 #lmk when your flight gets in i'll pick you up at the airport and fight you in the parking lot :')#ty for making me soft bro #quite literally 🥺#much love #asks #thebreakfastgod

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revol-lover · 4 years

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i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok.

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though.

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend.

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020 but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic.

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

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askjennie · 7 years

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1/5 i had my first anxiety attack a couple of months ago and it was horrible i literally thought i was gonna die. i was very stressed bc of school back then. i only had two attacks after that but now, even if im not stressed anymore and even if school is almost over i still feel stressed and anxious. its soon summer break and im gonna be so lonely bc i dont have any friends. my 18th birthday is gonna suck and even if i dont like being all alone, i dont want to go back to school either.

Continued: 2/5 i try to be positive and distract myself, doing things like drawing, playing piano, doing my make up etc. but i still feel anxious, like its creeping behind my back and im worried i will explode soon. i dont know what to do. how should i handle this? i’ve been alone many summers before and even if i’ve felt bad about it, i’ve never really felt this anxious about it. it feels like some sort of monster3/5 and if i let it come to me all these negative thoughts will attack me all at once and i’ll be super depressed, sad, feel like there’s no point in anything, my chest will hurt, i’ll have trouble sleeping/relaxing, lose all my routines, literally not do ANYTHING and i REALLY dont want that to happen again bc ive already been through that one time and it was SHIT and i was so exhausted and dead afterwards and im so scared of that happening again. im scared of these feelings. they’re scary!!4/5 i just want to have a fun summer before hell aka school starts again. i want to relax and enjoy it. but these “im so lonely” and “no one wants to be with me” feelings are stopping me :( why am i so afraid of being alone? im SO tired of being the only one giving so i broke up with the few friends i had, bc they made me feel like shit and i thought i was strong enough to be on my own but i guess im not and now the last summer break i’ll ever and my 18th b-day is gonna be shit5/5 i dont know what to do. i DONT WANT this summer to be me laying in bed every day, eating fast food, watching series i dont even like, sleeping through my anxiety and be ugly and disgusting and sweaty and stuff like that. i want to have self control but i feel like im starting to lose it and SUMMER BREAK HASNT EVEN STARTED YET how am i going to get through this? :( ive thought about talking to a therapist but one’ll have to wait so long and im just tired i want to sleep all day but no i dont

Jennie: This probably isn’t going to be the best summer you ever have, and it doesn’t have to be. Let’s use that as a starting point. This probably isn’t going to be an amazing exciting summer full of BFFs and romance and drama, like a teenage summer from a movie, but that’s okay. You have plenty of time for all those things, and there’s no rush. Use this summer as an opportunity to take a break, look after yourself, and plan for the next year.

If you’re feeling anxious and depressed, and it’s getting in the way of your day-to-day life, I think you should definitely talk to a therapist. You may have to wait a while if there’s a waiting list, but if this isn’t going away on its own, isn’t it worth getting started on seeking help now? You could talk to your doctor, or contact mental health services, charities or therapists in your area. You’ve got time to do some research and explore your options. Exploring ways of looking after your mental health could be your project for the summer.

It might also be useful to look into self help resources in the meantime, if you’re not able to speak to a mental health professional straight away. There are cognitive behavioural therapy workbooks that can teach you similar techniques that you could learn from a therapist, apps that can help you manage your mental health, and helplines for if you’re having a crisis or just need to talk to someone. Try some different things, and find out what is helpful for you.

If you don’t want to lie in bed for the whole summer, then try to get out of the house regularly, even if it’s just for a walk around the block. If you have hobbies like drawing or playing piano, try to work on them a little every day, or a few times a week. Create a routine for yourself, so even though you’re not at school, you still have things to get up and do.

It’s not compulsory - it’s okay to spend time on your own - but if you’d like to find some new friends, maybe you should look for opportunities to meet new people. Maybe there’s a club or class in your community you could join, or maybe there’s some volunteer work you could get involved in. Find out what’s going on in your area this summer, and see if there’s anything you might be interested in. This might be difficult if you’re feeling anxious or depressed, but maybe getting to the point where you feel able to go and try something new could be a goal you set for yourself, to motivate you to take care of your mental health.

There are lots of things you can do for yourself this summer. It’s an opportunity to take some time out and focus on what you need, so, take that opportunity.

#advice #ask me anything #anxiety #summer break #summer #mental health #advice blog #advice column #askjennie

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m01ogna · 7 years

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regret//why i shouldnt stay up late

I dont really ever get emotional about you anymore, ive made myself so numb to the thought of you being gone, i honestly forget sometimes. But, when it does come back to me, it hits me like a ton of bricks. August 25th, 2017, will mark 3 years and its crazy how the memory of you feels like its a mix of a million years ago and last week. i know that doesnt make any sense, but when the person that was your whole world isnt there anymore, nothing really makes sense.

I havent spoken to you in a while, and it doesnt make sense as to why im writing this note here; i guess its bc tumblr was like our thing. tumblr is where we kinda learned about each other. so anyways, here i go.

Dear Rob,

idk if an after life is real, if reincarnation is real, or if you could ever “watch over me”, but im going to assume none of it is possible. over the past couple of years my life has gone through such a whirl wind. i was severely depressed for over a year bc of the loss of you. i have so many conspiracy theories about the day you passed, its honestly probably ridiculous. whenever i think about that day, i always think about what if i wasnt working that day, what if i called you earlier, etc. all of these what if’s flood my mind. a part of me always feels like i couldve saved your life, somehow. honestly i blamed myself for so long for not doing something, but then again it wasnt like this was planned. im glad our last conversation was as pure as ever. but, that conversation is what broke my heart the most. your memory was shit and if anyone else is reading this and want to know, our last conversation was about our life together. our future house, jobs, dogs, goals and aspirations and being together. im glad that i got to tell you how much i love you, the last time i saw you. you had one of the most beautiful souls i have ever come across in my life. i could never thank you enough for saving me from being an idiot and for giving me a purpose. thank you for forcing me to be myself always, put myself first, and for molding me into the person i am now (3 years after the fact). honestly, the past 2 aprils have been lowkey hard for me. april was when everything started with us and i think about you even more then. so many little things remind me of you, but i just keep it to myself. you were my first true best friend and i dont really know how you dealt with me as much as you did. after you were gone i was so fucking upset, that i stopped feeling literally any feeling. i was self medicating, i guess is a way to describe what happened(?), just to feel something and get my mind off of you and how upset i was. for a while, i wished our pregnancy scare wasnt just a scare; ive never admitted that to anyone before. i wanted more. i wanted you. i wanted something. some piece of you. i mean yeah im glad now that i wasnt 17 and pregnant, but i was being irrational in general then so its not surprising that i was thinking those things.

my life is so different now, its hard to believe. im not going to school to come home and lay in bed, sleeping from 4pm to 8am everyday anymore. i graduated community college, got my associates in art, and now im going to school to be a rec therapist. i thought growing up without you would be horrifying, and for a while it was. i lost my way, was making mistakes left and right, hurt innocent peoples feelings just so i could feel something. i finally applied what you taught me about myself and others. i have a new boyfriend, well not so new, like a year and a half new, but new to you. his name is Jimmy, and he saved me. you would like him a lot. he let me just like explode when i met him, he wasnt an asshole; just after me to get some. it was the first time since you left that i didnt feel literal trash. i cant even explain how much hes done for me and how fucking thankful i am for his existence and tolerance of me. i dont think he knows how much he holds me together. because really, without him i dont want to know what stupid things i would be doing, or how much shit id feel like. sometimes he really reminds me of you and it makes me so excited, and not to be like so focused on you all the time, but like in my head its cool to think that im like hanging out with a piece of you when that happens. idk i dont think hed want to read that, but at the same time he knows how much you mean to me.

i feel like i should wrap this up. so thanks for reading. i miss you so fucking much, boobie and of course, i love you forever.

love, meow mix

sorry to anyone who follows me reading this// clogging your dash with a fucking essay.

@doomsdayvillain

#rob #i love you

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beautifulcatastrophe3 · 6 years

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ill show you that im not nothing

May14th, 2018 I left Montecatini In a way thatI I experienced it as a devastatingly traumatic event of compiled moments; as that clock ticked so loudly I felt it in my heart as it shown my time expired or expiring. I had to make a decision that I, myself felt the inability to decide with the mental state and emotional instabilities currently happening. Felt alone, terrified, with PTSD fear -based of feeling of being re-abandoned and yet another center/treatment people are giving up on me; calling it quits.

[ As verbatim one said, there’s nothing more I can do to help you with or to try when you’re unresponsive to certain methods suggested, with intense behaviors that you have it wasn’t enough and she felt like couldn’t treat me anymore, our sessions became stagnant and she felt id benefit more in my sessions with a different person. ]

On the daily, i woke up in beast mode as ED and i constantly battle but it doesnt sleep; thrown to the front lines on daily I unequipped in every way. ◦ depending what EDwas triggering me with was then how i chose my weapon to battle. There’s plenty enough days where i felt like giving up and just didint give a shit anymore. it was just to much to deal with, but atleast i showed up. It was all i had in me to do; instead of considering the option to quit. So in no way was my AMA from even a hint that i was choosing quit on everything and therapy there. Honestly, it was simply because my ride arrived and i would feel horrible to send my ride all the way back, for a longer stay but still stuck at the same impass and crossroad. i was already afraid of leaving because i felt i wasnt ready as i was restricting still pretty often towards the end. Not only that but terrified that my transition back to PHP wasnt already set up and might not go through. Many things had me panicking and still do but i really wanted more than anything, to start going back to school and working as an EMT. i just plain missed life, working and i dont i cant really explain it. it was like my life was passing me byand i cuoldnt do anyhting about because i was too busy dying, believing i was surviving and saving myself.

On Tuesday when my ride showed up to pick me up (due to a miscommunication) ◦ When I was notified about it every fiber in my body threatened to unravel; quivering my bones that threatened the very foundation of me standing… I didn’t know what to do or what you choose, I was scared terrified, I was frozen I just stood did there. Voices going back-and-forth in my head when trying to envision both future outcomes. I just couldn’t handle it and was impulsive but chose what felt safest and where I was living with someone I felt supported by and trusted. ◦ I had been planning on leaving because at first they were planning my discharge for the before Wednesday which was May 9th 2018, since I didn’t think going to Rebecca’s House was what i felt i needed or was best for me ..

It for several reasons 1) was because I have been I treatment literally for a YEAR & 4 MONTHS STRAIGHT!! I’m like gone through every level and back up! I believe I’m ready to do my best, especially after this amazingly blessed, supportive and out of this world helpful staff stay at Montecatini for the 2nd time! This is what they helped me with and what I learned personally about myself in attributes: ALL MONTE STAFF WHOLE-HEARTEDLY compassionately, honestly with out hesitation were so selfless, demonstrating, proving, reiterating, supportingand completely save my life and helped to my life around and strives to get it back and have goals, dreams, aspirations again! As well as find the the ambition, self-esteem, pride, passion for living fully authentically me loving each moment. confidence, belief in my self, to use my voice to reach out asking support, needing help or crying isn’t weak, I’m ALLOWED TO FEEL MY FEEL, HAVE THEM, and EXPRESS THEM in a healthy appropriate manner; i could slowly learn to feel alive once more instead constant fear, exhaustion, terror of exploding the cover off my concealment where all my emotions were locked away. I had on forbidden feelings emotions along with NEVER SHOW PAIN & NEVER NEED HELP! Especially learnesd from one staff member in partiular that i love; that im to care about me, that it’s okay to put me first.

It was so hard leaving, i had gotten so close with my peers and staff that it was just heartbreaking and sometimes still i cry for missing my M1 housemates, for the staff and the staff the had quit during my stay there that hit me hard.

The staff i truly love and im glad your my Monnte Fam and support when needed i still cry at times when i remember you all. I hate goodbyes an leaving treatment centers because of the deep bonds created My therapist was beyond amazing and i was so glad i was matched with her and we bonded well together and im glad shes allowing me to keep in contact with her. My gosh my eyes are watering just typing this. My Dietician was extraordinary as well which i already knew since i had her the first time i was there back in 2016. Many of the staff i knew back then were still there and which i was surprised at who still remained. I wrote a list of all the staff i knew throughtout my stay back then and i actually found the paper!! SO im going to do it agin, just in case i want to write them. Well thats it for now. im not sure how often ill post but i will get back to you on that!

Essence Evans(Eves)

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