#i know this shouldnt be a big deal.

[angelboybreakdowns]

nothing worse than repeatedly, clearly telling your family how much something hurts you. bringing up every time they do it how uncomfortable this makes you and what an important boundary it is to you. and yet they still keep doing it and treating it like some funny little joke.

#i know this shouldnt be a big deal. #but my mom and sister constantly take videos pictures etc of me #i really really dont like being filmed #i explain to them every time they do it (probably about twice a day on average) how upset it makes me #especially because its usually things like filming me dancing or taking pictures of me sitting weirdly #so they can send them to their friends #and mock me #(not conjecture or paranoia they literally tell me thats what they do with them) #and. its such a small thing #and it really shouldnt be this big a deal #i know that #but on the other hand #if its so unimportant #why is it so hard for them to not do it? #why dont they just stop #there is literally no way they dont know how much it hurts me #that they take situations in which im happy and comfortable and make them something to be self conscious or embarrassed about #i tell them.every time. i have explained to them so many times how hurtful it is. #so the only possibility at this point is that they are deliberately hurting me just be a they think its funny #my happiness my comfort my ability to unmask partly in my own home all matter less than a cheap laugh #tags are a personal vent but main post ok to rb

[accidental-spice]

In the words of Jessica Day, "Work sucked today, my friends"

#at least im 90% sure she said that once #anyways it sucked. a LOT #i i paid for something i shouldnt have causing my boss to have to reimburse me and they were. less than pleased #and like i get that i should have communicated better but maybe so should you guys? #i dont know. i think im not completely in the wrong about this but its hard to tell right now #i just want to cry and not think about it ever again #at the moment only one of those is happening #i just. it cant have been ENTIRELY my fault #and i honestly dont know why its such a big deal #but my boss and i have VERY different minds #uuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhh #i feel like everything turned out fine but i also feel like its all my fault and everything sucks #and maybe i should stand up for myself but. i do. not. want. to #i KNOW im gonna say my thoughts on it and theyre gonna say something else and ill be like uuuuhhhhh #sure yes whatever im clearly wrong #sigh

[newvegascowboy]

also im gonna be honest, while i think rdr is a fantastic game and a well written tragedy, i really dont jive with the ultimate message of "nothing is forgiven and nothing gets forgotten". i get that at the core of thing, both John and Arthur have done some pretty heinous shit and that no amount of good deeds can make up for the lives they've taken, but so many people suffer unnecessarily, including them. the whole message of "it doesnt matter if you try" is just like... man. ok i guess.

#not fallout #kal talks #rdrposting #look i KNOW why they get the endings they do and i KNOW they're written this way intentionally because they're tragic characters #just. #i dont like it #redemption through dying is never my fave metric #being able to choose who you are and KEEP making that choice even when it would be easier not to #that is much more meaningful to me than 'you fucked up big time and thats IT for you buddy!!!' #the game vacillates wildly between 'we all make mistakes and we're all bad in some way but that doesnt mean we shouldnt keep trying' #to #'try all you want but you will never rise above your worst self' #both arthur and john really deserved to deal with the consequences of their actions but they cant do that when theyre dead

[pezpenser205]

3am monday morning mood

#insert garfield i hate mondays joke here #op #........................................................................................................................................... #........................................................................................................................ #...................................................................................................................... #....................................................................................................................... #........................................................... #............................................................ #sui mention tw if you read further for some odd reason #was highkey wanting to change my mind before the date came but now im not so sure thats gonna happen #i dont have a lot of time #2 days is not enough to get a job or change my mind so i dont even know what im gonna do #i feel like im dreaming all the time #'i dont know what im gonna do' is for sure a lie though i damn well know come on now #its simple a + b = c math #(im a waste of resources) + (i dont even like being here and am not a person anymore) = (i shouldnt be here) #i think my family will get over it like none of them even talk to me anymore (not that i make it easy but still) #i have nothing that somebody else cant have or do better than me its not that big of a deal. #like literally i cant fucking comprehend what anyone would like about me anymore #everything bad about me so clearly outweighs the 1/10 times i can be funny or dependable or considerate. #im just taking advantage of others' compassion at this point #when i say 'i am not a person' i mean that with 100% sincerity #i get surprised and scared when people talk to me and have no concept of self and no real hobbies. im just empty im not even angry anymore #im beyond unhinged tbh i have zero self awareness and feel like im the only person like me that exists and im rambling- #-and oversharing all the time and talking over others because i fail to even really understand or consider what theyre saying anymore #-and simultaneously i feel too unremarkable to be worthy of life #i feel like im playing my entire life in VR like nobody and nothing here is real. none of you are even real. #this feels the same as typing in a word document i just always feel alone no matter who im talking to or what im doing #i feel like the only real person in the world and the only one that shouldnt be here #i cant even bring myself to feel scared of death. im just. nothing. even when im crying i dont feel anything at all

[zhalar]

hate that i have to come out. i hate that!!! i hate that if i want to experience a modicum of gender peace for these upcoming two years i have to tell my new teachers that im nonbinary and would like to use [this name] even though none of my official papers have it on them, and probably wont, cuz its not A Name that i can confidently believe will pass the naming convention.. laws... of this country. I HATE THAT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO PLEAD MY CASE AND EXPLAIN MYSELF. im trying to construct this message that i’ve got no idea will even be read or noted just to have it in my student record somewhere that “hey im SOOOO sorry but if its not a problem to you i would love to feel like a human person even on a name-basis during my studies and im MORE than fine to be otherwise (mis)gendered as long as its not a problem to YOUUUUU also i know that my legal name is literally on show in every school email and profile so whatever i say here matters none cause everyone will only see that clearly gendered name and not give a flying fuck about this “”nickname”” im trying to get going since its not my LEEEGAAALL name but thats also so fine with me if i could Just get the clear to sign my emails and whatsapp messages with my preferred name thankyouuu :)” 

sorry im always complaining here it gets ANNOYING. im mostly trying to get my own brain straight about this matter. uhggh BUT ITS SO AWKWARD TO WRITE THAT MESSAGE. i dont want to explain myself but i also dont! want! to make a scene!!!! im so pissed off at myself for not opening my DAMN MOUTH when the group-wide introductions happened this week. shoulda just bit the bullet and said ive got [this] name in official papers but would prefer to be called särmä. literally could feel the nerve escaping my body when it came to my turn. fucking hell

(EDIT ive calmed down. i didnt send the message fuck this noise, im just gonna hope that i’ll get it out face to face this next week [biting through glass])

#i dont know man. im like 90% sure one of the classmates is a trans dude which. poggers as hell considering where we are #(hes got trans-flag color beads in his shoelaces and i may have seen a binder but genuinely none of my business its just smile to me) #so me coming out nonbinary shouldnt be a big deal . hopefully. but being binary trans and nonbinary are still kinda different things #for some 50yo man to wrap his mind around. clearly. when they keep referring to our group as boys and girls (men and women) exclusively #this would all be so much easier if i'd just changed my name legally and come clean to anyone in my daytoday life. bet id be more confident #introducing myself as särmä to strangers that way #särmäs sermons #its always this flavor with me lol #ALSO YEAH LMAO FUCK. FUUUCK picking my name i didnt foresee that särmä is a Work Word that people in this field Use <3 #did not fucking occur to me that o yeah woodworking = maths = geometry I FEEL SO SILLYYYYYY AND NOT IN THE FUN WAYYYYY #i could just use the regular ol finnish almanac name that ive got for situations like this one but its so clearly Male that im even LESS #confident trying to get near strangers call me that in a work/school environment #i love you trans people who take up space and are upfront and loud about your transness youre literally everything to me. #one day im gonna be like you.

[basilpaste]

love when people misgender characters in my comments! :/

#basil blabbers #WAUGH i know it shouldnt be a big deal and like. 'up to interpretation yadda yadda' #but also my tags literally SAY they/them pronouns for them. girl who is the he in this situation????? #this is very very petty. alas.

[trainingdummyrabbit]

The Horrors Persist

#piktalk #tags moment again sorry besties #i dont wanna go back to sleep but i might have to :/ (<- 40% battery) #iam simultaneously making a huge deal and not a big deal at all of this and it feels silly but also i can hear my ears ringing. so. #its dark! im lonely! i dont know what im gonna do with today! hours and hours! #and i dont wanna use all my phone battery in case of emergency but fuck dude! man!!!! #literally out here 'yeah as long as i have smthn to do i can deal with it here' Surprise Dumbass!!! #like nothings Bad yet but it could be Very Easily and i know that and i dont like that. yknow. #i do not enjoy the sensation of distance. iknow i shouldnt be such a pansy abt it all but. :( #nothing is technically Wrong i am simply aware of my limits and this happens to be one of them. yknow. #and. it is still dark. alas.

[zemnarihah]

hm. my dad is now aware that i have slept over at eriks when i visit him.

#dont love that. #he brought it up bc i have an aunt and uncle in his city and i think he was going to offer to like see if i could stay with them at some #point to visit him #he was like have you thought of visiting erik in (city)? and i was like. yeah #and he was like. have you? and i was like. yeah. and he was like how many times? and i said twice and he was like oh. where did you stay? #and i said. eriks place. and he was like. oh. well you know you have an aunt and uncle there that would let you stay right? and i was like. #yeah i know. and it was in front of my mom and sister and brother in law and HIS sister and everyone was so quiet because they know how my #dad is #and i was like in the process of leaving so i just like said bye to everybody real quick and left so im still like. agh. scawed! #idk why even its not like theres anything he can do to me its just like. god i really want to have peace with him i do not want to ever hav #another lecture from him or get yelled at by him again idk im still scared of that. and he hasnt even met erik yet and probably has a #terrible impression of him now just based off of that even though i am always telling them great stuff about him i dont want HIM to deal #with that especially because i do not think that he would take as much bullshit which he shouldnt have to but god i just have this vision o #my dad like. pulling erik aside for a talk or something if they ever meet and trying to scare him and them getting into an argument bc erik #would stand up for himself #idk who knows if that will happen im literally making up scenarios in my head to scare myself but christ. \ #the thing is also at this point in my life i just like. i have to keep moving forward in like. the whole living my life without constantly #thinking about the church's and my dad and the rest of my family's expectations. I have to. I almost lied to him but i didnt and thats #really big progress but im still so scared. but whatever. do it scared. agh!

[acaciapines]

(big sigh) so i took a shower and came out of it 30 minutes later with an entire outline for my depressing krisralsei au.

it is about...everyone moving on and kris being stuck in the past....like originally this idea was what if kris and ralsei never went through their character arcs (specifically the ones they have in i know im not well and homegrown hearts) but the more i think on it the more im like NO because ralsei would still have susie and noelle so she would go through the majority of her arc with them but kris. kris who pushed everyone away. kris who is stuck with boss-darkner-ifed dess. oh kris. oooooooh kris.

#chatter #i just really want to write a story about being aromantic #and like. look you can for sure analyze Me As A Person here #but idk. found the label loveless aro and sorta #i just feel like i want to tell a story about that and kris this ones on you #bc like.....i think about them A Lot #anyways sorry ive been in a krisralsei mood recetly #and i love that ship the best when it literally doesnt work out even #so! #homegrown hearts had ralsei pining but here. oh here #its about knowing someone had a crush on you #and shouldnt you return that? youre dating someone and you dont love them #so you have to love this other person right? #because everyone loves people. unless theyre broken #because love has to be the most important thing #so maybe you just have to force it #maybe if you keep pushing this will finally work #and if you arent happy and you hate yourself and you sorta lowkey want to die #bc then at least you dont have to deal with being the only human in a town of monsters-- #anyways kris you got a big storm coming

[grandpa-cephalopods]

(There’s a Tentatek headband with Ink Saver Main on Splatnet today!)

(Tentatek’s brand ability is Ink Recovery Up, which synergies well with Ink Saver Main.)

#ooc #(I'm a very big fan of recovery up it hasn't let me down yet #people really like to sacrifice it to run other abilities which makes it easier to outlast them in a 1v1 #I especially appreciate it when running Oldtavio's Dynamo or other ink-heavy weapons #tbf though in this generation Comeback is also REALLY GOOD and the native ability of the tentatek headband) #(It becomes that Ink Saver Main whenever you die and more #so if you have a problem dealing with players in Turf War //everyone #then it is just as valid) #(You know what you shouldnt run this generation though? Quick Respawn #Nerfed to hell- It only activates if you don't splat anyone before you die #which is innately wasting a life alskdjg #if anyone kills you that much just keep an eye on them and avoid engaging them since they're countering your playstyle)

[saoirseuwu]

.

#saoirse talks #vent #today is my dead names name day #and ive been feeling down cuz of it #i know i havent changed my name #legally #and i dont say it a lot to my family #but still #being celebrated for that name just #bleh #it shouldnt be a big deal #idk #its confusing #all i know i dont like it #and literally lost all my energy for the day

[mercymornsimpathizer]

.

#also! since im tag venting anyways #i hate hate hate when people say 'its not just about [X issue] its also about [Y and Z issue]!!!!!' #like i get what u r trying to say but like even if it WAS just an issue of peoples (mostly womens) bodily autonomy #it would still be a big fucking deal???? #like u shouldnt have to figure out the way this affects u too to actually to give a shit abt it yk #like idk i know this isnt like actually a real problem that affects anything other than my feelings but ://///

[lovphobic]

sometimes u just have to drop a 'he dont die 😒' and move on

#big fucked up if true tho. not a character i particular care a huge deal about but u know. i will be considering the 'what if tho..' #i think its so so funny how now that i know Most of what happens the spoilers (again big fucked up if true) are near impossible to avoid #compared to when i knew genuinely nothing and i heard nary a peep from anyone anywhere #like that dont make sense at all. shouldnt it be the other way around #but yeah no i am a Doubter because surely i wouldve caught a Whiff of it. theres no way it wasnt a big deal. #a new what if just spawned in my brain. false sense of security question mark #3 days ago. hm. well i guess i will just fucking find out for myself when the time for it comes! #peace and love on planet earth i aint believin any of that shit

[feralfens]

my first therapy consultation is in almost 2 hours. help what are questions youre supposed to ask at therapy. how do i get a good grade at therqpy

#also ironically i am having an panic attack because of something stupid [my girlfriend is going on a date with someone and asked if they- #could come over {implied sleeping over}. i hate that i get panicky at advocating for myself and setting boundries for my space.] #itd be easier if i could just be okay with people i barely know being in my home like theyre literally going to sleep else where so #it shouldnt be a big deal but theres just been too much lately #wanting to be a person vs needing to be a good dog #damn it i just wanted to clean #okay im calm now. thank you tumblr mutual who read all this

[lovecrazedpup]

i am going to kms

#having a like 2 minute cry bc he raised his voice and i feel awful ajdkbdksbdksb #it wasnt even an angry yell thing it was just an ‘shut up . stop it’ type yell ???? and im using yell very loosely here #it wasnt a yell but like a Louder Voice than normal #i didnt mean to make him feel bad idk i feel like an absolute piece of shit !!! i should die probably #i just asked if he wanted to get off with me n idk maybe i took the playful ‘fuck you wtf :(‘ type thing too far #i shouldve known tbh he said he was tired lol i probably shouldnt of asked in the first place #its fine i dont think he hates me but like ‘im sorry im tired okay ???’ was like ajbskbdksb im sorry i didnt mean to !!! #like i know how being pressured into that sorta shit feels and i feel so bad i rlly didnt mean to make him upset #maybe it was me talking that was annoying #idk im just stressed from everything today has been so bad #on a stupid family holiday when all i want to do is just be at home and play games and sleep in a house that i know is safe #and hes working now so we cant talk very much and i missed him so maybe i was talking too much #i feel awful man i just want to applogise non stop but i literally Cant Talk and it hurts abdskbdks #to him this probably isnt a big deal but …. #to me its kinda ??? like ive messed up ?????? he hates me now ?????? i made him feel like shit and that i only want him for sex ???? hhh #whatever idk im so tired i just wanna go home honestly #i want to restart the last 30 mins n literally just shut up #if only i could cut rn #jamie.txt