#really big progress but im still so scared. but whatever. do it scared. agh!

[zemnarihah]

hm. my dad is now aware that i have slept over at eriks when i visit him.

#dont love that. #he brought it up bc i have an aunt and uncle in his city and i think he was going to offer to like see if i could stay with them at some #point to visit him #he was like have you thought of visiting erik in (city)? and i was like. yeah #and he was like. have you? and i was like. yeah. and he was like how many times? and i said twice and he was like oh. where did you stay? #and i said. eriks place. and he was like. oh. well you know you have an aunt and uncle there that would let you stay right? and i was like. #yeah i know. and it was in front of my mom and sister and brother in law and HIS sister and everyone was so quiet because they know how my #dad is #and i was like in the process of leaving so i just like said bye to everybody real quick and left so im still like. agh. scawed! #idk why even its not like theres anything he can do to me its just like. god i really want to have peace with him i do not want to ever hav #another lecture from him or get yelled at by him again idk im still scared of that. and he hasnt even met erik yet and probably has a #terrible impression of him now just based off of that even though i am always telling them great stuff about him i dont want HIM to deal #with that especially because i do not think that he would take as much bullshit which he shouldnt have to but god i just have this vision o #my dad like. pulling erik aside for a talk or something if they ever meet and trying to scare him and them getting into an argument bc erik #would stand up for himself #idk who knows if that will happen im literally making up scenarios in my head to scare myself but christ. \ #the thing is also at this point in my life i just like. i have to keep moving forward in like. the whole living my life without constantly #thinking about the church's and my dad and the rest of my family's expectations. I have to. I almost lied to him but i didnt and thats #really big progress but im still so scared. but whatever. do it scared. agh!