#i know i cant and im so sorry i thought i could im so stipid and so selfish for ever thinking i could just be around other people with no

[sadisticmystical]

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#i made a very big mistake #very very big #while being a drunken idiot #ive fucked up so many times while drunk i should have never taken anyones word for ot that i could get better after the first one #i knew ot then i know it now im a giant worthless piece of shit and i fucked up so bad #and im so grateful it wasnt worse #every single person there should literally never talj to me again i would understand i deserve it #ill never drink again ill never do any of this over again i promise please can i still be saved #i know i cant and im so sorry i thought i could im so stipid and so selfish for ever thinking i could just be around other people with no #consequences i knew i was fucked i knew it but i thought i could get better if i tried and tried and tried my hardest #i know now i know now please i cant be in this state of pretending everything is fine i know i ruined it please just #just tell me what would be enough to fix it #twll if nothing is enough to fix it #i can never drink again i can never speak to you again i can pay for it all i can hurt myself so bad ill never forget it ill do whatever #it is you ask just please ask and stop pretending its okay its not okay im so sorry i cant do this

[strawberryspeachy]

Here i am once again bitching about the same shit with asshole boys who lead you on and pretend they dont know

Just here to reiterate that its s shitty thing to do and you need to stop pretending you don’t know youre doing it

Yea im one of those ppl who use mysef as a reason why others should fucking know better. Im not smart. Im not good at anything. And i was even stipider every prior day

I had no fucking relationship experience in high school and yet i still fucking knew when boys were interested in me and i knew that how i reacted to them affected everything from how possible they thought it was to be with me and how much i hurt their feelings

And i became friends with a boy who ended up liking me. And i played dumb for over a year because i liked his friendship and i knew that once I acknowledged that i knew i was gonna have to turn him down and i didnt wanna feel bad and i didnt want him to stop being my friend

Then the next year when i went to college and he was still in high school i fucking used it. I felt bad about myself and i wanted someone to say nice things to me. So i texted him. And i talked to him all night very personally. Then i felt better and i went to sleep. Then i woke up the next day and realized that i just gave him a lot of fucking hope and that i couldnt just let that fester so i needed to fucking stop that

So i texted him and I apologized for talking intimately with him and he of course said he was happy about it and i told him it was bad for me to talk that way with him because i didnt want our relationship to be that personal and i was bad and i felt bad about myself so i reached out for him and i shouldnt have and i was sorry for hurting him. And he did. What i have done many times since. He tried to convince me that our relationship could go that route and that he wanted to be there for me and that he was really happy that i thought of him. And i told him that he cant be. That we cant talk that way and that i was sorry for getting his hopes up. That i knew what i was doing and that i should have considered his feelings more before i did it. And i said it wont happen again.

And it didnt. I didnt do it again. I cried.. but you know what i didnt do. I didnt blame him for having feelings for me. I didnt pretend that i didnt do anything to encourage his feelings. I just fucking took the blame. And it made me feel really bad. For being a crappy person and for hurting someone I genuinely cared about.

Why cant any of the boys i talk to who have had many relationships ever fucking do this??

We stopped talking - alot. But. I could right now, send him a message and have a short “hey howre you” convo just fine. And i have with him a couple times over the past few years.

Who knows what our friendship would be like if i had shot his hope down from the very start. I do know. That if i didn’t immediately apologize for using him for make myself feel better - we probably wouldn’t still have each other added on social media