#i hope you’re ready for your perception of me to be tainted by how bad at skiing i am
Text
I Wish I Never
Lena Luthor x Fem!Reader
Word Count: 3,003
Summary:
Warnings: Angst
Note: I hope this is what you were looking for.
You close your eyes against the incessant pounding of your head. Trying to abate the oncoming migraine before it began. You know that you should just call her but you couldn’t bring yourself to. You couldn’t bring yourself to feel that heart break again. Even if it meant that you would feel better in the long run. You know that you should at least talk to someone, but every time you tried you retreated back into yourself.
No one would be able to understand what happened. Not without someone being the bad guy and you refused to have her be the villain in this. Not when she was the villain in so many other narratives already.
Though that didn’t stop your heart from breaking every time you remembered the green of her eyes. The almost childlike innocence that had appeared in those emerald orbs when you offered for her to spend the night. You had been working on a new proposal for her company and hadn’t even noticed the hours slip by; until it was almost midnight. She had been adamant that it was okay and that she could just call her driver, but you had refused. You didn’t want her going out at night when she was clearly tired, but you know that she would never care about her own personal welfare. So you had gone with the driver’s.
You remember the moment she caved because she didn’t want to make the man get out of bed so late.
You still remember the triumph that you had felt worm its way into your chest at the sight.
You only wish that feeling could have lasted.
I know that I'm better off on my own
I wish I never let you sleep in my room
Been thinking 'bout a way that I could take back
The night I lost myself in you
You know that your guest bedroom’s bed wasn’t the most comfortable so you had offered her yours. Knowing just how much she had worked that day, and not wanting her to sleep on something that could keep her up all night. She had refused, of course, because she was Lena Luthor, and she wouldn’t be a Luthor if she wasn’t stubborn. (Really the only thing that she had in common with that namesake.)
You had made a compromise instead. You would share the bed, which shouldn’t be that awkward because she was one of your best friends even if she was your boss. So, slipping underneath the covers, you turned off the lights and got ready to fall asleep. Very much aware of the warm body that was laying next to you. The warm puffs of air that were hitting the side of your neck, because Lena had shifted closer to you. Wanting to conserve body heat in the middle of National City’s winter.
You wish that it didn’t affect you that way that it had. Maybe none of this would have happened if it hadn’t.
You know that everytime I hear your name I replay
Your fingertips against my frame and lose faith
Been praying for a way that I could feel saved
But I'll never get over you
Wish that I had never let you love me although you said you never did
Closing your eyes you try to forget the feeling of Lena’s hands on your body. You try to forget the feeling of her lips working their way down. You try to forget the love and warmth you had felt in her embrace.
You try to forget the pain that followed in the morning. Even though you know it was impossible because one does not simply forget Lena Luthor. You know that you will always remember the sight of her retreating into herself. Her walls coming back up and scathing words leaving her lips.
“It was a fun time and that was it. Why do you have to make it so complicated? We shared a bed and a few good hours together, nothing more. All right?”
You remember the numbness that had spread through your body at those words. Only allowing yourself to nod before retreating back into your room. Closing the door and ignoring the sight of the normally neat and orderly bed in a state of disarray. Because, if it meant nothing to her why should it mean anything to you?
The answer to that question was simple. It meant everything to you because you love her.
I wish you would've slept in the guest room
'Cause maybe I'd still feel alive without you
I'm pretty sure that all of this was my fault
I'm the one who kissed you first and took my clothes off
You know how to make me feel all alone
Ever since that day you had done your best to avoid her. Desperately wanting things to return to the way they were, but you know that they never would. There was nothing you could that would change what happened. Not that you would change anything in the first place. Because, at least, you got Lena in some way, and even though you weren’t able to keep her you were still able to have her.
Which probably made everything worse in the long run, because you just couldn’t let her go. No matter how much your brain pleaded with your heart. It was like a dog with its favorite toy, refusing to give it up for even a moment. With each beat of your it you’re constantly reminded of what you gained that night.
And everything that you lost.
Pressing your head against the pane of glass in front of you, you try to ignore everything. Your brow crinkling with the effort of the act, but you know it would be for naught. Everything reminded you of her. Your apartment was riddled with the memories of her. The phantom of her presence haunting every inch of the place.
And it’s not like I can go outside to forget all my troubles either, you think bitterly as you stare out across the expanse of National City. She’s tainted everything.
Every safe place that you used to have would remind you of her presence, and the subsequent heartbreak she had thrust upon you. You were truly all alone in a city of millions. A feat that only Lena Luthor could have ever accomplished.
But when I'm underneath your teeth it feels just like home
You said that we shouldn't make love and just fucking
Find another way to heal
You know you drain me of myself 'til I can't see straight
Been thinking 'bout your body in the worst way
Wish that I could remove you from my veins
'Cause I'm sick of feeling so betrayed
You know that the healthy thing to do would be to forget about her. To stop moping about your apartment and actually do something productive, but every time you tried something withered in you even more. It was like your body didn’t want to get rid of Lena and the memories you shared.
Every time you started to move on your mind started replaying memories of past events. When you were about to throw away the coffee maker Lena had given you. Your brain provided you the image of her large smile as she presented it to you. Her emerald green eyes shining with excitement that she was able to get something for you. The first of many gifts that now littered your apartment, and only served to worsen your heart ache.
When you were about to take down the many pictures that hung on your walls. Your brain reminded you of the happy moments that had happened to create such beautiful images. The happy memory of the picnic you both had shared in the park. Lena wrapping herself in her coat trying not to show you how cold she actually was. The short laugh you had given as you pulled her into your side. Your words were filled with genuine exasperation and affection. “You Luthor’s truly are stubborn aren’t you?” The glare Lena had sent towards, no heat actually behind it, and feeling of warmth you had felt when she only snuggled further into your side.
Yes, your mind liked to play tricks with you. One moment it was trying to convince you to get rid of Lena, and everything that you had shared, but the next, when you were actually doing, it desperately clung on to her memory. Maybe it wasn’t ready to give her up either. Wasn’t able to give up the memories that you both had made, and the happiness that had always been a constant. Just like your heart wasn’t willing to give up the love you had started to feel for her. Love that was never given the chance to grow.
Sighing, you drop your head into your hands. Rubbing your temples in agitation at your inaction. It was driving you mad that you couldn’t do anything. You couldn’t go outside because everything reminded you of Lena. You couldn’t go into your bedroom for longer than a few minutes because that reminded you of Lena. You couldn’t sit still in your apartment because everything within it reminded you of Lena. No matter how hard you tried nothing you could ever do would make you forget her.
Lena Luthor was in your veins and there was nothing you could do to get her out. Every time your heartbeat it was with the song of her laugh. Causing your entire body to thrum with life, because Lena was everything you could ever want.
It wasn’t a surprise that she didn’t want you in return.
And I thought I'd mean something to you
More than skin to put your skin on
And I thought I'd mean something to you
Hearing a sudden rapping on your day causes your body to stiffen. Your eyes staring at the door with something akin to suspicion. You were half convinced it was either Kara or Alex coming to check on you, but you quickly rule them out. Kara would have announced her presence all ready, and Alex would have just waltzed in like she owned the place. Then who could it be?
You don’t think any of your other friends would have noticed your sudden lack in social interaction. After all you had done it countless times before when you were working on a project. The only exceptions being the Danver sisters, because they were freakishly perceptive when they wanted to be.
Another set of knocking rouses you from your thoughts and, not wanting to keep whoever’s on the other side waiting, you stand. Making your way to the door you try to think of anyone it could possibly be. Maybe Winn?
However, when you open the door your eyes widen at the person you see. Your back stiffening and your arm tensing on the doorknob. Lena Luthor in all of her glory stood before you. Out of its usual updo her hair spills across her shoulders. The raven locks shining underneath the hallway lights of your building. Though none of that truly surprises you, not even the fact that Lena was in casual wear. Having become fairly familiarized with her in such attire.
What does surprise you, and causes you to pause, were her eyes. Eyes that you could let yourself drown in if you were allowed to. Eyes that were normally so stoic with a hint of adoration and mischief, were now completely open. All of the emotions that would have previously been hidden were laid bare for you to see. In a beautiful display of heat break and agony, all standing out against the green of her eyes. The beautiful emerald color standing out against the red rim surrounding them.
Finally, after a moment, you clear your throat to speak. “Lena? What are you doing here?” You don’t mean for your tone to come out harsh, but it does, and you wince slightly at it. Though it had no comparison when in regards to Lena’s reaction. You don’t think you’ve ever seen Lena Luthor look so defeated before.
“I know I’m probably the last person you want to see,” a short scoff interrupts her words. Her eyes flashing with annoyance, but you know that it wasn’t directed at you. “No. I know I’m the last person you want to see, but you’re the first for me. And I need to apologize to you. I need to make things right between us.”
Shifting slightly you aren’t sure exactly what to do. You know what your heart wanted you to do, but it wasn’t that simple. You couldn’t just bring Lena into your arms and forgive her. She had hurt you more than anyone ever has, but that also doesn’t mean you would leave her out on your threshold. So you square your shoulders and step to the side, permeating the CEO entrance.
You watch silently as Lena moves through your apartment. The door closes softly behind her, but you stay next to it. Keeping the distance between the both of you. You know that if you get any closer you’ll fold faster than Kara does when you’re playing poker.
Lena, noticing the distance between your bodies, moves closer to you. Not stopping until she’s standing in front of you. Until she’s practically touching you, and you have to fight every urge in your body from reaching for her hand.
“What do you have to say, Lena?” you ask, trying to keep your voice unaffected. She didn’t need to know how much power she still held over you. Her being this close was already painful enough.
“Oh, darling, I have so much to say but I will never be able to say it all in this lifetime,” she responds, a brief smile flashing across her face. Before her face becomes serious again, and you automatically miss the smile. It had been so long since you had seen it. “But one of the most important things I have to tell you is how sorry I am. The way I treated you after our night together is inexcusable, and I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for it. I have never felt more like a villain than when you turned away from me. I have never felt more like a Luthor than when I let you walk away from me. I pushed you away because I thought that was best. I thought you would be better without me, because of my name and everything that it brings. But I forgot one innate thing that every Luthor shares.” There Lena pauses to catch her breath. Her eyes search your face as she does, but you can’t do anything but stare. Trying to process her words as best as you can. Taking your silence as your confirmation that you were still listening she begins to speak once more. Her words came out almost cynical. “Luthor’s are selfish beings, and I will be the first to admit that what I’m doing is selfish. I tried to do the honorable thing and let you go, but I can’t. I can’t let the one person who looks at me like I’m there whole world slip away. I can’t, and I won’t, let you go, and if that makes me selfish? Well then I don’t want to be anything else.”
You were pretty sure your brain wasn’t working anymore, and that you were about to have a heart attack. “What was the other thing?” Lena’s confused look at your question prompts you to keep speaking. “You said that saying sorry was one of the things you came here to tell me. What is the other?”
You aren’t sure what you’re expecting but Lena stepping forward and taking your hands certainly wasn’t it. Her soft gaze leveled onto your own, and you feel like you can’t breathe. Not when she was looking at you like you were the most important thing in the world. You watch, with bated breath, as Lena seems to prepare herself for what she’s about to say. But, after a moment, her smile grows into a breathtaking grin. Her eyes shimmering in the light because of her happiness. “Something that I should have told you long ago, but I was never brave enough to. I’m so sorry these are the circumstances in which I’m telling you this, darling, but I do not regret saying these words,” she says, her voice unwavering with its conviction. “I love you. More than I have ever loved anything.”
You didn’t know what you were doing but soon your lips were on hers, and it was so much different than the last time you had kissed. This time it wasn’t hurried nor was it with a frenzied passion. It was slow and it was the feeling of coming after a hard journey back. It was reacquainting two beings that were never supposed to be apart to begin with.
It was everything and more you could have ever hoped for, and you weren’t surprised that Lena Luthor was the one to give it to you.
I'm pretty sure that all of this was my fault
I'm the one who kissed you first and took my clothes off
Yes, it may have been your fault that all the heartbreak had begun. Maybe, not necessarily for it to have continued in the first place, but your decision definitely did have a part in the entire thing. If you hadn’t offered Lena your bed you weren’t sure you would be currently sharing hers. If you hadn’t kissed her first you weren’t sure her lips would be on yours ever again. If you had let her sleep in the guest room you weren’t sure you would have the love of your life in your arms.
So, yes, it may have been your fault, but you are more than happy to take the blame. After all you were the one that kissed her first.
So it’s only fair.
161 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ride to Yester Hill
The party relaxed in the winery as the Martikovs fixed them a hardy snack for the road. It was a savory mix of dry fruits with nuts and grains, with bread pieces and dry cheese thrown in too.
Strahd sat in Ruki’s pack, succumbing to the effects of boredom as they waited. for the rain to pass. His impatience was getting the better of him. But there were too many of the wereravens gathered to risk revealing himself. One of the children had already come a little bit too close for comfort, curiously reaching into Ruki’s pack before Ruki had kindly turned the child away.
He climbed up and carefully peered out into the rustic room. Aric was sitting just a few feet away alongside Jeeves.
I may as well make some conversation... Strahd reached out to touch Aric’s mind:
"Thank you for your aid once more, Lord Aric. Though it is a shame you have used another spell from that ring..."
Aric blinked at the small intrusion but turned to face the tiny bat face poking out of Ruki’s pack, "Happy to help,” he paused and lowered his voice to a whisper, “There is more room for new spells now. Perhaps Lady Ruki would be willing to donate a spell this time?"
"That would be an interesting little experiment, wouldn't it? Do you think it would be able to register abilities that are not arcane or divine?"
"I don't know,” admitted Aric, “I suppose it's possible, but it wasn't really made with other abilities in mind, so who knows.”
Strahd mused, "Ah, perhaps we could experiment and improve upon it... I have made quite a few artifacts myself... I would like to see more about this one..."
Strahd glanced about and flitted his ears to locate where the Martikovs were in the winery. Satisfied that none were nearby, he quickly pulled himself out of Ruki’s pack, and fluttered over to Linda’s bag.
Linda set down her snacks in confusion and looked to her pack, quietly hissing, “What are you doing?!”
Strahd rifled around in her pack, "Trying to see the condition of my journal. It is the final piece and it is irking me that the other parts are mended, and that this one is out of place. But I shall have to wait until I am in a man's form to use my magic to mend it..."
Linda took a small bite of food, and sighed, "Do you have to be rummaging around in my pack?"
Linda glanced at the old man, Davian, who was approaching.
"I am not immune to boredom. If there is something here that you don't wish disturbed you need only say."
"What if they hear you? There is stuff in there that makes noise."
Strahd grew still at the sound of footsteps. Davian walked by Linda and peered outside. The rain had stopped, and the light of the moon was leering down on the countryside.
“Did it stop?“ Linda asked, a little too loudly.
Davian walked by Linda, "Aye, seems it stopped for now. Yer free to leave whenever ya wish."
"I'm ready to go whenever everyone else is," Linda rose from her chair and looked to everyone else.
There was a murmur of agreement. Aric, Jeeves, and Ruki pulled their packs onto their backs and adjusted the placement of their weapons and slowly left the winery, finding their way back to the nightmares, and mounting up for the hour long journey.
Ruki opted to travel through the mists.
The woods grew thicker and the mist was more of a tangible presence as they traveled. Linda felt odd, as if someone was watching her...
A rummaging in her pack startled her briefly, before she remembered that Strahd had taken residence there.
She sighed, "For a second, you scared me there, Strahd. I forgot you were in there..."
“Apologies,“ he replied.
Strahd tried to climb out of the pack, but stopped short. He pulled and tugged, but he was caught on something. He struggled and squeaked. Finally, giving up, he reached out:
“Linda...“
“What?“
"I appear to be... stuck..."
Linda sighed and reached around to remove her pack, and brought it up to her, lecturing, "You're the one who decided to go in there. What even are you stuck on?"
She opened her pack and looked inside. She saw his tiny bat form pitifully caught in between the chains of jewelry that she looted from the Shrine of the White Sun. He struggled with his wings, but the chains from the necklaces were far too heavy for that form.
She laughed a little bit at the sight, and reached in to untangle him. She lifted him out from the pack as he clung to her hand. She brought up that form and looked at him, smirking:
“You’re welcome.“
“Thank you,“ he replied. He rested on her hand, recovering from the expended effort.
Linda gently pet the small form with her pointer finger. Strahd looked up to her, confused at the gesture.
Linda mused, "You know, you aren't half-bad like this."
He tilted his head, and flicked his ears back, "What do you mean?"
"You are quite a bit more manageable when you fit in my hand."
Strahd’s voice chuckled as she pet him, "Manageable?” he paused, “Are you saying that I am not as comfortable to be around as a human? I thought I was charming..."
She smirked,"Sure, when you aren't trying to terrorize or threaten anyone. You do have quite a few...” she sighed, “Let’s just say other ‘personality traits’... that detract from your initial attractiveness."
Strahd took slight offense, and flipped his ears forward, "What am I supposed to do when all other options fail? Terrorizing and threatening reminds the populace that I am not a man to be trifled with. I am not a man to be threatened. A man of my position cannot afford the luxuries of kindness and mercy when all others are out to get him."
Linda could not disguise her shock, "Is that really what you think? That terror is the only way to keep people in line?"
The bat paused, and his ears drooped. When he reached back out to Linda, his tone was defeated, "I... do not know any other way of rule that works. It was the way my father ruled, and his father before that.”
He attempted to explain, “We are a line of warlords, from a land of warriors... The flaws I have are shared by all of the nobility... the only difference is that I outrank them. Everyone will try to use scare tactics to get what they need from their lessers. You recall Vargas?”
He tilted his head, “Jailing anyone who refused to partake in his stupid festivals? Dmitri too, scaring his people into hiding behind their walls to keep me away... Fear is a powerful tool, and the powerful must use it to maintain order... and only with order may there be peace. That is what I was taught."
He seemed to sigh, "Although granted, I know more about order than I do of peace. The only man here who has not used those tactics of fear has been the honorable Kolyan Indirovich... but his kindness and mercy in his position did not prevent the peasants from rebelling against me, did they? Despite his pleas, the peasants still revolted. They still trespassed. Kindness and mercy... aren't well rewarded here."
"So, it's widespread.” Linda sighed, “The people are this way too. No one knows how to not be how they are..."
"I don't know how to fix the flaws. The Barovians have always been low of trust and suspicious of anything foreign.” He nodded, “Anything they do not understand, they seek to destroy. I cannot change them. I cannot change the culture. I was hoping that trade with other nations the Von Zaroviches had conquered would gradually help build up the civilization here but- "
He paused, "The Mists cut off trade. Isolated these people even further. Made them worse than when I had arrived here- a feat I didn't think possible. Nevertheless, I continued my duty of rulership."
Linda frowned at him, "But you stopped trying to make it better-"
“I had to give up on them, Linda."
Linda blinked. Give up on them?
Strahd looked to Linda and spoke firmly, "It wasn't worth the frustrations, it wasn't worth the emotional investment trying to care about people who have only ever cared for themselves, the superstitious sheep...”
Disgust tainted his voice, “It wasn't worth my aches and pains to try and change a culture so stuck in a phase of low-trust... How am I supposed to trust them not to take advantage of me? They took advantage of Sergei, they took advantage of Tatayana... people who trust too freely end up dead or worse...”
“I know I am not innocent in this regard, and that I have added to the strife and suffering... but I am not alone in this either. The responsibility you charge me, you should charge also to the Barovians. They blame all the bad luck and deeds on me... but are so blind they do not see the evil they do themselves."
"So.... this isn't just them, but a problem with the entire land..." She thought of the people she had met... Strahd’s perception of them was off. She didn’t see scheming people, just people trying to get by in a harsh land-
Land.
Linda looked to Strahd, "You are the land, though."
"My attachment here is very... complicated,” Strahd shrugged his wings, “In some ways yes, in other ways no. I am most in tune with the Land... and it sometimes will bend to my will... but the moments are fickle and fleeting. I know not how to gain direct control of it without great sacrifice."
"I got the feeling something isn't right about this place. And one of your people, Kolyan, in fact, told me that this was a feeling shared by every Barovian.”
She continued, “They aren't stupid, Strahd. They know that this place is unnatural. They think it's hell. Of course they aren't going to trust each other... because even the Land is against them. The Land they live in has unnatural intelligence and preys upon them. The Land they depend on to survive is harsh and unforgiving... and it's dying, Strahd. The people rely on it, and the Land is dying. The druids may have a point about what is going on..."
Strahd blinked, digesting the information. Finally, he asked, "Are you saying... that his is my fault?"
She shook her head, then nodded, "Not exactly, but yes. You haven't helped the situation at all.”
She paused, “However, I'm not going to judge you for this, because you didn't know. I just want you to be more conscious of it now. And you need to be better to your people.”
Her voice was firm, “Not just behind the scenes as Vasili either. You, Strahd, need to be publicly active about making Barovia a better place to live."
Strahd’s claws dug into her, but in this form, they brought her no pain. He thought about fighting it, protesting, shirking the responsibility-
Coward. He grew disgusted with his urge to flee from this. What Linda was saying was truthful... and she was being kind enough to withhold her judgement-
Kindness.
How strange... I have always thought of kindness as a weakness, and yet, this... mortal woman, Linda- she has been nothing but kind to me, and I’ve not seen her as weak.
Strahd contemplated everything he knew and had learned about Barovia. He was the Land, but there was a lot about the Dark Powers, about Barovia, about his curse that, in truth, he knew little about.
He looked to Linda, and betrayed his tiredness in his voice, "Please... tell me what I need to do. Be my shepherd. Guide me. I am so... so lost.”
Linda tilted her head to the bat in her hands... Is he... actually asking me for help?
Strahd’s voice grew feeble and unsure, “I've been here so long, and I have been too close to the problems to see how to change or fix things. My mind and soul are stretched thin, barren... devoid of anything that makes existence meaningful. I've been stuck in this unending cycle of torment for so long..."
His voice grew, stronger, determined, "I do want things to change, better circumstances... a bearable existence. I don't want to suffer anymore... I just want to know peace, truly... whether it is the peace of death, or to finally experience... content. I've never known peace. That is all I wish for."
The bat closed its eyes, “All I’ve ever wished for.”
Linda inhaled. It’s... a tall order. She pet him, and tried to keep her voice optimistic and soothing, "Don't worry. I will keep helping you. Any questions you have, I will answer to the best of my ability,” She chuckled, “Though, I don't know everything, but hey, we can always do research.”
Strahd paused and blinked his eyes open, "Nothing immediately comes to mind... save for one question...”
Strahd extended a wing up Linda’s arm, and looked up to her, asking earnestly, "Are you... alright?"
Linda felt herself go numb. That was the one question she wasn’t ready to answer.
But she inhaled, and exhaled slowly, trying to keep her voice steady as she answered, “No, actually.”
Strahd’s ears flicked backward as he looked up to her. He heard the waver in her voice, and gently pressed a clawed thumb on her arm... the most comforting gesture he was capable of in this tiny body.
"I am unsure and scared,” she explained, “I don't know if Timothy is safe, how I can get him back home. I am worried that I won't make it out of here alive, that somehow, my enemies will win.”
She trembled, “They killed my partner, John. He-he was the leader before I was. So much stronger and wiser than me. He knew how to lead and gave me hope when there seemed to be none and... I loved him. When he died, not only did I lose him, I gained his position. One I was not ready for. I spent some time alone. Away from the Order, still doing my job, and I finally found his killers.”
“But will I be strong enough to not end up like him?” Her voice was hollow, “Will I stop the Shadowfell from colliding with my home? It's very high stakes for me. And frankly.. I'm terrified. And my only comfort in all of this... is I'm not having to do it all alone."
"No, you will not be alone. I can promise you that much, but nothing else," Strahd tilted his head curiously, "This... John. You... you loved him?"
He paused and faced her, “You spoke to me of letting the one I loved go. How did you do it? How did you overcome the torture of losing one you loved?"
Linda paused. That was... another tough question.
She answered.
"Well...” She took her free hand and rubbed her neck, “I let myself feel hurt from it. I grieved. I grieved for a very long time, actually. But, I finally accepted that he was gone. That there wasn't anything I could do other than to move on. I'm finally over his death. I initially hunted his murderers for revenge, but now I do it because it's the right thing to do.”
She looked to Strahd, “I also had the support of the people around me, I had the freedom to let go.”
She looked to him with a sad smile, “You haven't had that. The Dark Powers bring Tatayana back each time you have a chance to accept she's gone. They throw your acceptance back in your face and say, ‘Here she is’. But it's never her. You have to face that and know that even though these people look like her, act like her, that they can't ever be her.”
She cupped both her hands around the bat, “And you need to let yourself grieve over her being gone and accept that. It never goes away either.”
She sighed, “I constantly think about John. Even though he's gone, it doesn't mean I have to forget him. I just have to remember the life he had. And he died without any guilt or regrets. His death probably hurt me more than it hurt him. But now I'm okay. And I know he's okay with that."
Strahd felt gnawing pain in his gut as he listened to Linda. All those times she’s died and come back...
Ireena...
No.
She’s gone.
"She's... she's really gone, isn't she? Yes... she's gone. It is beyond my power to- to bring her back... I've tried..."
Linda felt a surge of pity. She reached down to pet him with a finger again, whispering, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
The tiny bat cried out pitifully. And Strahd thanked that this form was incapable of shedding tears.
Strahd grew silent and still as Linda pet him. The touch reminding him that he was not as alone as he felt in this moment. It was a small comfort.
He finally reached back out to Linda, "I've never let go of anything. It feels... like defeat. But... at the same time... the fight is over... I feel... calm now. All that is left is... to do what I could not do for any who had died before."
Linda tilted her head, "What is that?"
"I need to find a way to say goodbye. Closure. I've... never been able to say goodbye properly... I wasn't able to for grandfather, Vasili. Nor for my parents, nor for Sergei... and not for Tatayana."
"Oh..." Linda frowned. No wonder he can’t handle grief.
Strahd explained, "I admired my grandfather. I perhaps had a better relationship with him than my own father... but when he succumbed to old age, he was given a state funeral... and my parents deemed me to be too young and emotional to handle the rigor of having a ceremony in state. He was buried in our family mausoleum in our homelands... but I had never visited there. I never had the chance..."
Strahd nodded to himself, "My parents... were assassinated by Tergs when I was away at war. I couldn't attend the funeral. I was busy... and sought vengeance for the wrongs done to them and myself. When I claimed Castle Ravenloft, I had them moved here... for safety. Our family mausoleum had been desecrated... I had them placed in the most sanctified place in the Castle... I did not have a time to actually view them entombed and put my heartache at rest. The nature of the tomb... makes it difficult to mourn them properly..."
Strahd’s form seemed to sigh, "I murdered Sergei. But it was an act that brought me a great deal of grief an pain. I loved my brother- but not enough, it seems. I tried so desperately to entomb him myself, I tried so desperately to lay him to rest at least... but I could not do so... his remains were imbued with a holy energy... I could not touch him for long without causing great harm... and I did not want to further damage his body by dropping him. No, I had to let Rahadin care for his corpse..."
"I'm sorry..."
Strahd nodded his acknowledgement to Linda and tapped on her arm with his thumb, his voice numb, "Tatayana will prove to be a trick... as Ireena is still alive, and I am unwelcome to her... and because Tatayana's body turns into mist... I have nothing left of her... save... maybe one thing that I may lay to rest in her stead."
"What's that?" Linda raised a brow.
"Her- her portrait. It hangs in my study... It is the only thing I have left of her, truly hers..."
She nodded supportively,"Alright, if that will help you."
“I don't know if it will or not..."
"Well, you can always try."
"I don't... think I want to be alone when I do so... I am sorry for asking, but... will you be there with me? So I don't... become tempted to lose my resolve?"
Strahd looked up to her, questioningly.
Linda smiled softly, “If you want me there, I will be."
"Thank you...”
A little feeling of guilt overcame him. It was as alien as his other emotions he had been feeling, “I am sorry if I have been unfair to you, and lied to you... I wish perhaps... that I had been a better man."
"It's alright. You are doing your best now," She scratched behind the bat’s ears.
Strahd closed his eyes, and savored the touch for a moment before swatting her hand away, speaking seriously, "You are doing so much, and I feel that perhaps I have slighted you... what do you want of me, Linda? Ask, and you will have it from me. I try to reward those who aid me... and I feel I have not given you enough..."
Linda retreated her hand, "I really don't want anything. I don't need any gifts. I am just doing what I think I should."
Strahd grew perplexed, "You vex and confuse me so."
Linda frowned, "Why?"
Strahd growled in frustration, "Because you don't want anything from me! You don't need money, you aren't interested in magic, you aren't interested in titles, lands, privileges, power... I can measure everyone by their greed... but not you."
Linda spoke dryly, "I already have all of those things. You just have to think of something I don't have."’
Annoyed with his lack of success, he used a little of his magical nature to peer into her mind.
His heart sank.
"Your wants... aren't of the physical nature... Safety. Success. Peace on Toril. To return your family home. Right the wrongs done in this place... Noble goals indeed..."
He spoke in a resigned manner, “But I cannot provide you these things. I am sorry."
She closed her eyes,"This is why I don't ask you for them,” she looked back down at the bat in her hand and raised it to her face, “They are things I have to do myself. To achieve. You don't owe me anything but your help."
Strahd flicked his ears forward, "Of course. It is the least I can do for you. I am just frustrated that there isn't any more I can do for you, save for lend you my aid."
Linda shrugged,"What do you want to do for me? Given that I want nothing from you?"
That stung.
Strahd squeaked in aggravation, "I don't know! I don't know! I just feel like I should be doing more- I don't know why! I just feel like... I am not doing enough! You vex and confuse me- but are kind in a world that punishes that trait- and you are kind to me of all creatures! I want there to be something more, but I don't know what! All I've done is take, and take, and take... and now that I want to give... you want nothing from me! It is frustrating!"
Linda burst out laughing, "You sound like John!"
She paused, and blushed, lifting Strahd to her face, “Do you like me?”
Strahd flicked his ears back and shifted his weight in her hand uncertainly, "I would... suppose so? I mean, I don't dislike you... and you are very charming... honest... true to your beliefs... and I trust you..."
Linda smirked and poked at the disguised vampire, "I know you don't dislike me, but do you feel more than that? What do you think of me Strahd?"
Strahd seemed to humph and turned away from her, "I don't know what to think. I've not experienced this much frustration in regards to a woman without disliking her. Congratulations."
She chuckled and rotated her hand so that he was facing her again, "That, my friend, is how most people fall in love. But that silly."
She smirked to hide her disappointment, and set him down, "You couldn't possibly... I'm not that interesting."
And I’ll never be like... her. Linda felt a little pang of sadness. I’ll never compare to Tatayana.
Strahd looked to her and saw her dejected expression, and suddenly felt irked at himself. Why must I always sabotage myself?
He turned to face her and crawled up on her jacket. Linda blinked and picked him up.
Strahd projected his voice to her, "It's not a question of whether or not I find you interesting, or attractive. But rather... if you find the same of me.”
Linda’s eyes widened.
Strahd tentatively explained, “I... am terrified of falling in love again- just to have it be unrequited. I am wary of that trap the Dark Ones had laid out for me... but you have been nothing, if not honest with me.”
“I will be honest with you, as you have been for me.”
He looked to her, “I do. You held my interest from the moment you came here, and earned my respect in the short while we have been together, and dare I say, I consider you perhaps maybe the closest I have to a friend. But I am ever a selfish creature. I want more than that."
Linda blinked and blushed.
Strahd looked away, suddenly unsure, "But I won't delude myself into thinking that you want the same thing. I can trust you to be honest with me. So answer me this... Do you like me in the same way?"
Linda’s face turned a beet red, “I...” she paused, and allowed herself a moment to breathe. She opened her flask and took a small sip of wine to calm herself.
She looked down to see Strahd anxiously awaiting her answer.
"I know it's weird, but I do..." she replied.
The bat stared up at her in disbelief, “You... do?”
Linda felt more at ease, "The more I have learned about you, the more I want to know. And the more I fall for you.”
“I have seen your flaws, but also your humanity- even though you don't think it's there. You have the will to be more than who you are now, and I want to see your progression. Be there to help you. I can't really explain it but I'm attracted to you."
She does... she... feels the same way? As eager as he was to rid himself of loneliness...
He spoke with caution, "Perhaps... we will have a time to explore our feelings in earnest... I want to help you, Linda. I... feel the same way. I've never had that feeling before. But I won't delude you either. You would be courting a monster... with a dangerous past."
She smiled and shook her head, "I already know that, and I don't care."
Strahd’s ears perked up again, a little giddy, and with good humor, "For what it is worth... I will try to be on my best behavior when dealing with these druids..."
They shared a laugh, and Strahd looked around.
"We've made it here. Let us see what was so urgent... and bring back the gem for Martikov..."
"Alright,” Linda replied.
She looked around her... there was a strange hill, atop which was a dead looking tree, strange figures chanting in the distance. The sky here was cloudy, and lit up momentarily.
Strahd fluttered off of Linda and the nightmare, and changed back into his human form. He breathed in the air, and turned around to face Linda.
"Shall I help you down, my lady?" He politely extended his hand with a smirk.
Linda smiled and humored him, taking his hand to dismount. Strahd helped her down and placed a gentle kiss on her hand before releasing her, and placing his hands behind his back.
Linda flushed at the gesture, but took a moment to compose herself, before Aric and Jeeves arrived behind her, and Ruki emerged from the mists.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Not in Arcania Anymore
Word Count: 2,163
Summary: Alexys is startled awake one night when an unfamiliar figure appears in her room. She soon finds out that this mysterious visitor is a stranger in more ways than one.
*Author’s Note*: A commission for @bad-blue-moon-rising! This time she had me do a couple for a ship she has with one of her friend’s (@xeensbin’s) OCs, and it was really fun! She has some really great OCs (and art) so if you get a chance, definitely check her out. I hope you enjoy!
Being awakened by a startling crash was the last thing Alexys expected this morning. Or really any morning. But here she was, sitting up in bed, clutching her blanket so tightly her fingers ached. She had it pulled up around her shoulders, considering for a second that it might be best for her to just hide under it completely. That usually worked; hiding and closing her eyes until the nightmare went away. The longer she thought about it, the more she realized this wasn’t a simple nightmare. Or at least, if it was, it was happening in the real world.
The creature that’d just been unceremoniously stranded in her apartment was equally confused. Before he’d even opened his eyes, he could smell that things were different. He wasn’t in Georejia anymore, in his pleasant little pottery shop, his pride and joy. He wasn’t surrounded by any of the warmth that pervaded the shop’s atmosphere, nor could he find any traces of the earthy smells of baking clay that saturated his home where he carried out his work.
No, now things smelled…well, he couldn’t quite put his claw on it. Maybe it would be alright, since being teleported somewhere by brash bandits wasn’t the worst thing he’d ever experienced. But being teleported to another dimension, to a world that was vastly different from his own, that was something that hadn’t happened to him yet. Until now, that is.
He stood up and rubbed his head, checking his horns to make sure they weren’t cracked or damaged. He hadn’t hit anything that hard, and he didn’t feel any pain that would indicate that kind of injury, so for now he figured things were okay. Next, he rubbed his arms and legs, trying to determine if anything was broken. The good news was all his bones also seemed to be intact; if anything, he’d only incurred a few scrapes and bruises. He whipped his tail around as carelessly as usual, completely at ease, and that was the last observation he needed to know that by physical standards, everything was fine.
Following this personal assessment, he examined his surroundings. He appeared to be standing in a dwelling of some sort; that was the vibe he got from the furnishings and general atmosphere of the place, plus it didn’t look unreasonably different from the kind of structures found in Arcania. But he was definitely not in Arcania anymore, there was no denying that. This place lacked an aura of enchantment, integral surges of magical energy that constantly ebbed and flowed in the air. Said sensations were as natural to him as breathing or painting pots, which only made their absence more pronounced.
How was he going to get home if he didn’t even know where he’d ended up? His mind strayed to this train of thought when suddenly his thoughts jumped the tracks entirely. His eyes fell upon the form of a small, timid looking girl, and the expression she was giving him was one of sheer terror and panic. His eyes grew wide and his claws started to tingle, his body reflexively preparing to respond to any threat of danger that may befall him. He was still a little on edge following the fight that’d gotten him dumped here in the first place, leaving his offensive senses sharp and ready to redeploy at any moment.
But the rational part of his mind wasn’t preoccupied with fighting or self-defense. When he glimpsed the girl trembling in the bed before him, the fire in his heart flickered. It was swayed by an unknown breeze, a rush of emotion that churned his stomach and heated his cheeks; the fact that he could even notice the latter part was significant, considering how high his body temperature was. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt butterflies flutter inside him, or a perceptible heat sear his already crimson cheeks. But something was unquestionably happening to him, and it was something that toppled his emotions and scrambled his thoughts. What was it going to take to dissolve the fog of admiration that had suddenly enveloped his mind?
Similar thoughts were also rushing through Alexys’s head, albeit just a hint overshadowed by the innate fight or flight response flowing through her bones. Hormones of self-preservation battled with budding feelings of fondness, but those were the last kind of feelings she needed to be having right now. Some sort of mysterious, otherworldly creature had just appeared in her bedroom without warning, and she could sense an undeniably dangerous aura emanating from him.
The being had ruddy skin and red hair and black hands and horns…he was even equipped with a scarlet tail that swished idly behind him. Clothed in what looked to be red robes of some sort, he almost looked like some kind of character out of a cartoon or anime. Even if he was, nothing about his appearance negated the fact that he existed tangibly in her room, his eyes focused on her with what seemed to be a hint of confusion. He was simply trying to determine how he felt about her, too.
“Where am I?”
“Who are you?”
The demanding questions broke from both of their lips at the same time, and Alexys pulled the blanket up even further under her chin. The creature brushed his clothes off a bit, seeming much less disturbed about this whole incident than she was. Then again, she kind of thought she was looking at some sort of monster or demon. Unusual clothes and appearance, which happened to include horns and claws and a tail, and she swore she could see some form of red fins protruding from his forearms.
She considered calling the cops, but her limbs wouldn’t cooperate. The being took a step towards her and she flinched, tears starting to well up in her eyes. She was…scared of him? He was a little surprised by that, but then again, he didn’t know what kind of world he’d happened to wind up in. Perhaps there were beings like him here that were antagonistic or dangerous, so he decided the best thing to do was attempt some communication. He carefully held his hands up, hoping she understood he was trying to demonstrate he meant no harm.
“Who are you?” Alexys demanded again, more forceful this time. The formation of her tears tainted her tone with a noticeable thickness, the weight of her worry. Now it was his turn to flinch.
“Calm down, I’m not going to hurt you,” he replied, trying to pull himself together after the fright she’d just given him. “I’m not going to hurt you. My name’s Gwyoko. What’s yours?”
That certainly didn’t sound like any name she’d heard before, but he also didn’t look anything like anyone she’d seen around here before, either. “A—Alexys…” she answered nervously, her muscles still mostly paralyzed by fear.
“Alexys…” He couldn’t deny he liked the way her name sounded sliding off his tongue. But he couldn’t let himself get distracted by things like that right now. “Um, would you mind telling me where I am?”
She observed him cautiously. “Only if you tell me where you came from.”
Well, that seemed like a fair enough request. “I come from the city Georejia, in the land of Arcania.” But I kind of get the feeling I’m nowhere near Arcania at the moment, he silently repeated to himself.
Alexys shook her head. “I’ve never heard of either of those places before. Are you from some undiscovered continent or something?”
“Something like that,” he joked weakly, feeling the heaviness of his fatigue settle on his shoulders as his adrenaline started receding. “So, where am I now?”
“In my apartment, on a place called Earth,” she explained, and he gave a long-suffering sigh.
“That’s not a place I’ve ever heard of, either.” He rested his hands on his hips, racking his brain for any kind of advice that could help him determine what his next move should be. “Um…well, this may sound a little strange, but I think I fell here from another dimension.”
Alexys’s eyes widened in disbelief and curiosity. “What happened?”
“I was just fighting with some bandits.” That last word was loaded with venomous spite. “Some no-good rotten criminals that wanted to ruin my pottery. Or take it for themselves. But I don’t negotiate with anyone who tries to slight me.”
He was getting off course, talking to himself, and after taking another look at Alexys he readjusted his focus appropriately. “Ah, anyway. I think one of them had some sort of spell or potion or something on them, and they ended up using it to transport me here. I’m not sure why it was here, specifically, or what I can do to get back…”
“But you really need to get back, right?” Alexys filled the last part in for him, and he nodded in reply. “Getting back to another dimension…it sounds complicated, but if you were able to make it here from there, I’m sure it’s not impossible!”
Such positivity and optimism; Gwyoko found his heart twisting again, but not in a bad way. “Would you even know where to start?”
“Well, you clearly come from a place that has much more supernatural power than this place does.” She gestured to her room, finally relaxed enough to release the blanket from her hands. “Maybe hearing more about your world would help? I’m kind of interested to know more about you, too. I mean, I thought you were a demon or something for a moment there.”
He couldn’t help chuckling, and Alexys felt a flutter of fondness dance in her heart. “I’m certainly not a demon, although if you know about those, maybe your world is already much more magical than you think.” He cleared his throat before continuing. “Like I said, my name is Gwyoko. I’m half dragon, which explains the horns and such. But I’m also half human, just like you. Or at least, I’m assuming you’re human; you look and smell that way.”
She hoped her scent was at least moderately appealing, too. “I am human, and that’s incredible! I mean, that you’re half dragon and all. As far as I know, there isn’t a lot of magic in this dimension. If there is, I don’t know the best place to find it…but that doesn’t mean I can’t try. And I think finding some sort of magic or sorcery would be your best bet at making it back to Arcadia, was it?”
“Arcania. You were close,” he corrected with a smile, and she knew she was blushing before she could even attempt to stop it. “And I would really appreciate that. Your help, that is. As things are, I don’t know anything about this place. I guess that’s kind of obvious, but I just mean, you’re the only person I know. So, if you don’t mind, I’d like to stick around with you. Just for now.”
“I think that would be best,” Alexys responded almost too quickly. “I mean, if other people saw you, I’m not sure how they’d react. Actually, I’m sure they’d react a lot like I did. And I don’t think you want to send a crowd of people into a frenzied panic, because it would only end up drawing more attention to you. Probably not the good kind.”
Gwyoko winced a bit and shook his head. “I’d like to avoid something like that happening at all costs, if possible. I’m not very good with crowds, or lots of attention in general. I prefer spending my time inside, taking care of my pots, preparing or painting them.” His head fell a bit. “I hope nothing bad happens to them while I’m gone. Now I don’t know what I’m going to do to pass the time.”
“If you like pottery and painting, we have that kind of stuff here!” Alexys explained, moving closer to him and patting the bed as an invitation for him to join her. “You don’t have to go without that kind of stuff. Enjoying your time here is just as important as getting you back home, so I’ll do my best to make sure you do. This might actually turn out to be fun.”
She gave him a gentle smile, and he returned the expression as he hesitantly sat down beside her. Her hand was resting on top of the bedsheets, and for a split second Gwyoko considered touching it with his own. But he’d just met this girl, and he knew that now wasn’t the right time to be thinking about things like holding her hand. With the way things had turned out, they would have plenty of time to get to know each other, and maybe after a while he’d finally gain the courage to do so. At the moment, he was just grateful he could sit beside her like this. And she was just as happy to see him smiling at her.
#self insert#selfinsert#self ship#selfship#oc x canon#self insert fic#self insert fanfiction#selfship fic#selfship fanfiction#my writing#claire writes#one shot#bad-blue-moon-rising#xeensbin#commission
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
i have herpes how do i overcome? :( im so sad cause my bf cheated on me and gave it to me
I apologize that it took me a minute to know what to say bc that’s one of the most heartbreaking feelings; feeling as if you disrespected your body, I mean. I don’t think you can simply forgive and forget like nothing happened, be angry if you must. That’s the ultimate disrespect in my book, not bad enough that he cheated but then he gave you something also. I hope you slapped that nigga silly and never looked back. I’ve been in somewhat of a similar situation and I numbed myself from feeling what happened instead of exploding and breaking up w the person I loved. Darling. Put yourself first, your health, physically mentally and emotionally, these should be all that matter to you for the moment. The only way I see possibly to move forward is to take care of yourself, first. Don’t be ashamed of having a disease, it happens and sometimes it’s beyond our control. This wasn’t your fault. This is not your fault. You’re a victim of your bf’s negligence. Whatever you do, don’t allow yourself to remain a victim, use what happened to you to teach others the importance of protecting yourself and getting checked with your partner on a usual. There’s no way you could of seen this coming and I hope you’re not holding yourself responsible. Forgive yourself, for you didn’t see this coming. Forgive yourself, because you still choose to live. Forgive yourself, because you still have yourself. Don’t allow this to taint your self confidence, although it might, don’t give in. You are still as worthy of the love you desire. This is not the ending for you, it is a beginning on a new journey. Let this inspire u to find a way to help out the community of people who struggle with this as you do. Find a way to channel your frustrations. A part of me wants to say get revenge, fuck that niggas life up, but Socrates suggest, taking revenge only taints the purity of your own soul. Your ex already must live what he has done to himself and you, that is the ultimate punishment. You are just as beautiful inside and out as you were before this happened. Remember your soul will remain untouched, remind yourself everyday that you are worthy and that you will find love and that you are enough. Insecure people cheat on people, I should know, I was one of them. So don’t allow someone else’s doing to clog your mind about your perception on self. You are stronger than you know, and you can get through this. Life will surprise you and my dear we are never usually ready. Take it one day at a time, find ways to rediscover your talents. Begin something new, learn something new, this is a big change in your life and just because you didn’t get to decide your fate then, you can redirect where it is going, now. I love you beyond words and never think you’re unworthy, you are part of God experiencing a human illusion. Don’t allow the dis-ease to side track you from experiencing yourself and all you have to offer the world. Dig deeper still, love deeper still, you are alive and that is your ultimate gift. XO
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
Don't let them see you kill
(...at least not yet)
While scrolling through some pages on Japanese culture I came across the concepts of shame and guilt culture. I immediately thought of Light and Soichiro as I read it. So let’s see how this applies to these Death Note characters.
(This is my very first meta, so please don’t be harsh with me. I’d like to hear what you think about this. For @lux-mea-lex. Hope you enjoy!)
Most Western countries are labelled as guilt cultures; mainly Middle East and Asian countries count as shame cultures. The concept itself is disputed and was established by Ruth Benedict in her book on Japanese culture, “The Chrysanthemum and the Sword “, a study which was meant to help the Americans defeat Japan in World War II by gaining a better understanding of their enemy's society. In a guilt culture, you (are expected to) feel guilty if you did wrong, no matter what other people think. Even if other people are convinced of your innocence, you feel bad regardless. By contrast, in a shame culture wrong-doing is sanctioned not by the self but by other people. You will feel shame once your misbehaviour is discovered. If no one knows you did wrong it's okay because you are not openly shamed and dishonoured. Though innocent, you can still be shamed by the belief of other people. (If you're interested, you can read more here.)
Soichiro and guilt culture
"No matter what people think of me"
Soichiro is a dutiful police officer who pushes himself to limits for "justice". In many instances, he acts according to what he believes to be right with no consideration of the way other people view his behaviour. For example when he learns Kira is suspected among his family he doesn't argue that monitoring is unacceptable like his Japanese colleagues do... he even demands putting cameras and wiretaps everywhere before L says so. He doesn't want to shy away from the truth. This also becomes clear when he talks to Kitamura later in the story (ch. 21) and straightforwardly (and obviously pained) tells him that Light is the main suspect (but he asks him not to tell anyone... simply for the investigations sake, because L told him not to tell anyone... or, most likely, he saw it as his personal failure?). Another interesting thing to note about this scene is Soichiro's reaction to Kitamura stating that the public believes L and the police to be incompetent. He is outraged.
Soichiro is angered not only because his team's competence is questioned but apparently also because Kitamura seems to care more about the public opinion than about what's really going on (people sacrificing their lives to catch Kira and a team short on staff, not on skill), typical for shame culture. Soichiro, on the other hand, is again devoted to truth, he "fights the accusation" if we apply this to the guilt cultural concept.
Just like in a guilt culture, he doesn't need other people who perceive his actions as wrong to feel bad about his choices. After Sayu's kidnapping and the notebook exchange, Soichiro immediately decides to resign from the police. He sees himself as no longer fit for the job because he put his daughter's survival first when ideally he should be ready to leave her to die so he does not have to hand over the Death Note (he demands inhumane behaviour of himself, I think). Light tries to talk him out of it by telling him that it seems as if Soichiro tries to escape responsibility. He doesn't, Soichiro wouldn't run away from responsibility knowingly (and Light should and does know. Is this his -failed- attempt at manipulating his father? Making him believe that he would assume responsibility not by leaving but by staying with the police?). In this situation, Soichiro could have easily gone along with what Light said... and make himself believe a comfortable lie. But he doesn’t.
Soichiro’s internal moral compass is extremely strong. In this case, his “audience” would have never judged him for killing Mello (which would be like a carte blanche for Light but more on that later). Soichiro can’t kill to save his life...
...but to take it. Soichiro as his own judge would also hand out his own punishments. Light actually believes his father would kill him and then himself if he turned out to be Kira, just like L suggests and Soichiro doesn’t contradict (ch. 35). In this (fake but could be real) shooting scene, there’s no one for Soichiro to justify his actions for. He does it, to quote him, because it’s his “responsibility as a parent [...] and as the chief of police”. (Btw this reminds me strongly of Seppuku, a form of suicide for samurai as a punishment). Attitudes on death penalty are interesting, too - both Light and Soichiro seem to see it fit as a punishment; Soichiro is more “consequent” about it as he would also consider applying this punishment to himself.
Light and shame culture
“If we catch Kira, he is evil.”
I remember how much this statement confused me in the beginning. What difference does it make on how morally right or wrong Kira’s actions are if he’s caught or not? I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. To me, moral standards are a fixed thing. Not to Light. What matters most to him is how other people see and evaluate his actions, very much fitting with shame culture. It’s also obvious in his speech in the warehouse.
This goes along the same line of thinking. It’s about “the people’s will” that Light, Kira had to win. Light’s main goal is that people won’t “condemn him as evil”. Other people’s opinions? Extremely important to Light. Near deconstructs Light’s dream world in which he is admired as a God by all without his killings being questioned/seen as wrong.
These panels illustrate it beautifully... what Light fought years for, being perceived as perfect, falls apart as he is quite noticably openly shamed. Look at the disdain in their eyes (and Light can’t bear it and looks away). (More about these panels and great meta on Light’s issues with perception that ties in quite well with the shame cultural concept here by lux-mea-lex.) Another panel that fits this well is Light being stripped bare, exposed as Kira in front of an audience. The shaming - something Kira!Light tried to change into an act of admiration, respect, maybe fear, if he ever “came out” as Kira to the world (which he would willingly only do in his “ideal world”, if ever). Maybe Demegawa isn’t wrong when he says “if public opinion denies Kira, Kira will disappear by himself” (ch. 77).
Remember? Even if you’re innocent, you can still be shamed by suspicion only. “There's no smoke without fire", suspicion can taint your public image irremediably.
It’s interesting to note that there’s a point where Light’s in a situation that mirrors Soichiro’s and Kitamura’s in ch.1. Light’s “boss”, a teacher, throws chalk at him to get Light to pay attention in class and says: “We’re counting on you to make us look good!”, which sounds very shame cultural, and Light actually complies and apologizes to his teacher (personal comment: what the heck?!).
When you take the concept of shame culture a bit further it fits well with the concept of Honne and Tatemae (your true face vs. the socially acceptable front you put up) or Light’s use of masks and disguises - because it’s what’s on the surface that matters most, not the truth. This supports the reading of Death Note as critique of the Japanese society.
Light would never self-apply a punishment like his father does. In the anime as he stumbles down the alley after his second “successful” use of the Death Note, he says this in his internal monologue: “It won’t be overlooked.” (Ep.1) Either he is talking about God/s recognizing his wrong doing or it’s a sort of irrational fear that people will be able to tell that he has killed. Again, it’s about the perspective of something other on his actions, judging them. And considering how easily Light considers killing someone for a small offense (I here go along Light’s reasoning of criminals “deserving to die”, this is not my personal opinion), he can’t be talking about his own opinion in ch.1 when he says: “of course, these are lives... that can’t be easy.”
However, there is one scene that sticks out because Light takes a step in a different direction.
L asks him to think on the question if it was Light’s will or not that the Kira powers have been passed on... and Light answers honestly, “it was Light Yagami’s will”, essentially fueling the suspicion of him being Kira after talking himself out of facing the truth of his weirdly discontinuous memory the whole time in the Yotsuba!Arc prior to this moment. It shows us potential in Light’s character development to becoming a more honest version of himself but this sprout never gets to blossom during Death Note as Light regains his memories and plots L’s death as Kira.
43 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
