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AZAKA HOLMES AND THE PERILOUS PEGGING OF MIKIYA KOKUTOU

Fill for the “A whodunit on who pegged Mikiya” and “I feel like Azaka/[Ryougi] Shiki has comedy potential, whether or not Mikiya is involved” prompts. Needless to say, crack fic ahead. Also, the Shiki here it’s Shiki Ryougi, not SHIKI Ryougi. It’s just that the fill is using the format of the SCP wiki’s Murphy Law stories, which uses capitalized character names.

This one has a bit of a weird story. I submitted it earlier but forgot to do it while being logged off Tumblr so I requested the mod to take it down since I’d rather do these anonymously. As a “thank you” to the mod, I improved the fill a bit, mostly on the ending. The old version ended up revealing that Mikiya had just tripped on a floorboard. The new version was actually the first idea for the ending, but it was scrapped since it involved forced pegging, which is kinda rape and that’s something I really don’t want to write. However, I managed to find a fix to this and now the new-original ending is back, in all of it’s cracky glory.

You will never guess who the culprit is.

[AZAKA HOLMES AND THE PERILOUS PEGGING OF MIKIYA KOKUTOU]

FADE INThe scene is set up at the Garan no Dou office. MIKIYA is lying on the floor, mumbling something incomprehensible with a remarkably stupid face. SHIKI and AZAKA watch with a worried look. TOUKO is too busy smoking and reading important-looking papers.

AZAKA: Good buddhist heavens! What happened to you?

MIKIYA: …my gluteus maximus… the sensation is… holy cow the pain…

MIKIYA faints. AZAKA covers her mouth in horror.

AZAKA: Oh no… no… the shock… the physical damage… this can only mean one thing…

he’s been… pegged.

A dramatic music sting plays.

SHIKI: doesn’t look too bad, maybe he could just use some rest?

AZAKA looks at SHIKI with a surprised look.

AZAKA: …you know what pegging is, right?

SHIKI: Some western dining tradition?

AZAKA looks at SHIKI in sheer disbelief. She turns around to face TOUKO.

TOUKO: If you want to tell her, you’re on your own.

AZAKA looks at SHIKI again, and opens her mouth.

SCENE CHANGEThe scene is set in the Garan no Dou office, except the place is covered in slash marks. AZAKA and TOUKO are hiding in strange humanoid metal contraptions. SHIKI is disheveled and breathing heavily while holding a knife. MIKIYA is still on the floor, now asleep.

TOUKO: …I told you the Nokia phone body armors weren’t a waste of money.

TOUKO takes off her armor and resumes sitting on her desk, doing unspecified but surely

important work. AZAKA also removes her gear and approaches SHIKI.

AZAKA: …have you calmed down now?

SHIKI: Only externally. I’m going to find out who did… that thing to him, and kill them.

A dramatic music sting plays.

AZAKA: No, we are going to find out. Your usual method of “stabbing the problem” won’t work if we don’t know what the problem is.

The camera focuses on AZAKA, who stares at the audience.

AZAKA: (whispering) Besides, I’ll get to prove to Mikiya that I’m a much suitable partner than Miss Giant Enemy Crab Vision there by virtue of rationality.

SHIKI: …just because the camera is focusing on you doesn’t mean I can’t hear you.

AZAKA: There’s no time! Think! What kind of degenerate monster could possibly do this?

SHIKI points at a trail of bloody footprints coming from Mikiya’s sleeping form, which lead to a broken window in the office.

SHIKI: someone crazy enough to jump from the third floor.

AZAKA: Let’s think… our suspect must be someone with an unhealthy attachment towards Mikiya…

TOUKO: That pretty much includes every girl in this show except me.

AZAKA: …and enough agility to survive a 3-floor fall… I believe I know who could be…

SCENE CHANGEThe scene is set up in a dimly lit alleyway with the usual KnK chiaroscuro style. Which pretty much means any alleyway in Mifune city.

SHIKI: You sure this is the right place?

AZAKA: Yes. I don’t know what exactly, but something tells me he is here.

SHIKI and AZAKA walk into a menacing vacant building. The camera scrolls up to reveal a neon sign displaying the text “UNCLE SHIRAZUMI’S UTTERLY AWESOME AND DEFINITELY LEGAL DRUG EMPORIUM (please don’t come with the police)”.

SHIKI and AZAKA walk inside the building, revealing an expectable dimly lit interior. LIO is seen sorting some boxes. He turns around and jumps at the sight of the two clearly mentally stable girls.

LIO: OH SH…! Nothing to see here! Just… selling drugs and… stalking someone who is totally not in this room with me at this very instant while I say these very words!

AZAKA: Cut the chatter, you girly junkie werewolf-wannabe! Today you pay for your crime!

LIO looks at AZAKA in confusion.

LIO: …which one?

SHIKI: Can we get to the part where I kill him?

AZAKA walks up to LIO and grabs him by his shirt’s collar.

AZAKA: Don’t play silly with me, you walking definition of degeneracy!

LIO: …at least I’m not into incest…

AZAKA punches LIO in the face.

SHIKI: …gotta say, that was a pretty good punch.

AZAKA: Thanks! Your history speaks for yourself, Shirazumi! Drug dealing! Cannibalism! Voyeurism! Staking Shiki! Listening to nightcore!

SHIKI: Wait what?

AZAKA: Once a scum, always a scum. Now, talk. Why did you peg Mikiya?

LIO: WHAT! Look, I may be a crazy cannibal, but I got limits! Besides, who knows what magic hazards Touko has set up for intruders at your lair!

SHIKI loses interest and goes outside.

AZAKA: Denying the crime, aren’t we?

AZAKA throws LIO into the floor, and walks to a door that seems suspicious because it’s the one that is closer to her.

AZAKA: bet you are keeping pictures and recordings of your despicable actions in there!

LIO: NO! DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!

AZAKA opens the door. She enters a dark storage room. AZAKA turns on the lights, revealing industrial amounts of Shiki Ryougi doujins, perfectly organized in racks. AZAKA’s jaw drops to whatever the actress can manage without requiring medical attention after filming. LIO enters the room, shaking in fear.

LIO: …please don’t tell her…

AZAKA: I won’t. Not because I care about you, but because I’m scared of the possible consequences of telling her.

LIO: Look, I did not do anything degenerate towards Mikiya… today. I was sorting these for hours.

AZAKA sighs and leaves through the door. The camera focuses on the door for a while.

AZAKA quietly returns.

AZAKA: …do you have any lesbian orgy ones?

LIO: Sorry, I sold the only one today.

SCENE CHANGE

The scene is set in the halls of Reien Girl’s Academy, where the yuri is abundant and holy. AZAKA and SHIKI walk through the halls, the former seemingly performing deep mental calculations.

AZAKA: With Shirazumi ruled out, we need to find someone else with an affinity for blood and Mikiya…

SHIKI points at herself.

AZAKA: …besides you, I mean. And I believe here we can find the next prime suspect!

AZAKA kicks open a door, revealing a regular student room. FUJINO is in said room, and is visibly distraught by the appearance of our excessively lethal defenders of what they think it’s right.

AZAKA: Game Over, Miss “Hey Roger, what do you call the middle of a song?”! We have come for you!

FUJINO looks at SHIKI, screams in terror and hides under the bed.

FUJINO: PLEASE NO!!! I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING MURDEROUS! DON’T TAKE ME AWAY, KNIFE DEVIL!

SHIKI: …what the hell is up with you?

AZAKA: Maybe you scared her a bit during your fight?

SHIKI: But I did spare her…

AZAKA: …after beating her up enough that she telekinetically destroyed a bridge out of desperation?

SHIKI: Ok, whose side are you on here?

FUJINO: …please be on my side…

SHIKI walks closer to FUJINO, who screams in terror again and proceeds to hold a crucifix between her and SHIKI

FUJINO: WESTERN BUDDHA HELP ME!

SHIKI: I’ll make it easy for the two of us. Did you peg Mikiya?

FUJINO drops the crucifix.

FUJINO: …no?

SHIKI: Well, our job is done here.

SCENE CHANGE

SHIKI and AZAKA walk through the hallways of the Mifune City hospital.

SHIKI: Why are we here?

AZAKA: With the telekinetic psychic and the crossdresser in the clear, there’s only one possible suspect left…

AZAKA kicks a door open. The camera switches to a hospital room. KIRIE is laying in bed, and looks at the general direction of our heroines of subjective justice.

KIRIE: You could have knocked…?

SHIKI: It would have taken at least two minutes for you to get in your wheelchair and open the door.

KIRIE: …good point…

SHIKI: Although, to be fair, Azaka has a weird thing against doors today.

AZAKA quickie rushes towards KIRIE, and grabs her by the collar.

AZAKA: Your days are numbered, you Stand User wannabe!

KIRIE: …they already are… you know, terminal illness and…

AZAKA: We have no time to hear the excuses of criminals!

KIRIE covers her face and trembles.

KIRIE: …I’m sorry… those girls… I didn’t know what I was doing… and I… made them jump…

AZAKA: Who cares about your gravitational conga line? This is about you pegging Mikiya!

KIRIE: …I didn’t do that!

AZAKA: That’s what a criminal mastermind would say!

SHIKI: She doesn’t look very “criminal” to me… more like pathetic, actually.

KIRIE: I didn’t do that! I couldn’t bring myself to even hurt Mikiya… beyond accidental soul-sealing…

SHIKI: …besides, don’t you need a physical body for pegging?

AZAKA lets go of KIRIE. A frustrated look can be seen on her face.

AZAKA: Damn it! I was sure it was her!

SHIKI: Doubt it. She can barely do anything but whine. Let’s go home, I don’t have the time for weak people.

Suddenly, a pillow is thrown at SHIKI’s face with surprising force. KIRIE stands up on her bed with an atypical furious look. AZAKA stared in disbelief.

KIRIE: WEAK? YOU THINK YOU ARE SO STRONG AND HAVE RIGHT TO BE A GLOOMY BORDERLINE PSYCHO TO EVERYONE BESIDES MIKIYA BECAUSE YOU LOST ONE PERSON CLOSE TO YOU AND SPENT TWO YEARS IN A COMA! I LOST ALL OF MY FAMILY AND ROTTED ALIVE HERE FOR TEN YEARS! THE IDEA OF MIKIYA TAKING CARE OF ME WAS THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT ME GOING! BUT NO, HE HAS TO BE ALL YOURS! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? A FUCKING SHELTERED CHILD WHO HAPPENS TO BE GOOD AT STABBING THINGS!

KIRIE drops down to her bed, breathing heavily. SHIKI drops her knife and leaves the room with a shocked expression.

AZAKA: …holy shit.

SCENE CHANGESHIKI and AZAKA wander through a street. The Garan no Dou building can be seen in the background.

AZAKA: Damn it! We failed!

SHIKI: I can guard Mikiya and kill the pegger if they appear again.

AZAKA: And take all the credit again! …but it’s the correct solution. (Sighs) Let’s go home.

AZAKA walks towards a building with a broken window.

SHIKI: Where are you going?

AZAKA: To the Garan no Dou office?

SHIKI: That’s the building across the street…

AZAKA: Then why is the third floor’s window broken?

AZAKA notices a trail of bloody footprints leading from the Garan no Dou building to the building across the street. AZAKA and SHIKI look at each other.

SCENE CHANGE

The scene is set at an abandoned music school which happens to be right next to the Garan no Dou office. AZAKA and SHIKI wander through the empty rooms.

AZAKA: This doesn’t make any sense… If all of Araya’s unpaid interns are innocent, who could be insane enough to assault Mikiya, survive a third floor fall, leave a trail of blood and then jump to the third floor?

SHIKI: No point in thinking, we are going to find out.

AZAKA’s expression changes from detective in deep detective-ish thinking to concern.

AZAKA: Oh no… no… no… Sweet mother of crack fic plot twists, NO.

SHIKI: …what?

AZAKA: It can’t be. She fits the criteria, but… no! No one remembers Final Record/Garden of Oblivion. There’s no way it’s her. She was just a cameo! As a freaking corpse!

MYSTERIOUS FEMALE VOICE: Azaka, Azaka, Azaka… this is Type-Moon. Any vague connection can be important! And now, after an unnecessarily long wait, I got you right where I wanted!

A mysterious female character steps out from the shadows, clad in a bloody wedding dress. The unknown girl has long black hair and clearly-evil golden eyes, and an expression that makes Lio Shirazumi look like the epitome of normality.

AZAKA: NO FRICKING-FREAKING WAY!!! You were just a cameo in a bonus chapter that wasn’t even animated, Kanata Ishizue! And your home series, D.D.D., is deader than Portal 3!

KANATA: rubbing salt in the wound, aren’t we? VERY WELL, HAVE IT AT YOU!!!

KANATA walks closer to AZAKA. SHIKI does not care.

KANATA: Let me tell you something, from imouto to imouto… (whispering) I actually got my onii-chan’s meat inside me… by virtue of cannibalism.

AZAKA gasps in the most exaggerated manner the actress can manage without needing medical attention after filming.

SHIKI: Cut the meta crap. Why did you peg Mikiya?

KANATA: Whoa there, pegging? I may be a crazy cannibal, but I got limits! I just slapped him in the butt to piss YOU off!

AZAKA: You slapped him with enough force to cause bleeding!?

KANATA: I DO EVERYTHING ON INTENSE INTENSITY! FULL FORCE! 100% MAXIMUM NO CHILL!

SHIKI: What is your problem? Why would you even want to get me pissed off?

KANATA: Oh, you want expository dialogue don’t you? FINE! It’s all because of Final Record! I was robbed of the mother of all showdowns, and I’m taking it back! Being in development hell limbo for almost two decades has given me time to think! To analyze all of your movements! After years of research, I finally found out all I needed to pick a fight with you was doing any form of harm to Mr. Nice Guy Turd!

AZAKA: It took you years to figure that out?

SHIKI: And why didn’t you just wait for us instead of making us waste time on investigation?

KANATA: Huh, I could swear I left a note near Mr. Harem Devil… Oh, forget it. ENOUGH TALK! The time has come! Shiki Ryougi, I challenge you! Today, the one-hit-kill tomboy OC meets the SCP-682 imouto! The Void faces Eternity! This fight shall be so glorious that all records of it will be rated S, because that’s higher than R! This is the ULTIMATE. SHOWDOWN. OF. ULTIMATE. DESTINY.

KANATA lifts a piano with one hand, and proceeds to play a boss theme with the other.

SHIKI: …pianos are not an officially recognized melee weapon.

KANATA: Your face is not an officially recognized melee weapon!

SHIKI: That’s it, I’m killing you.

AZAKA: Well fuck.

SHIKI and KANATA charge at each other. The moment the former’s blade meets the later, the movie freezes. After a second a message appears.

ROOT.OS

WARNING!!!: IncomaptibleHaxError

The system is unable to handle an instant deletion ability hitting and endless regeneration-adaptation ability. Please turn off your timeline, reboot from BIOS and load the latest security copy.

THE ENDA MUSHROOM YAKUZA PRODUCTIONSTARRINGSHIKI RYOUGI as THE ANIME HASH SLINGING SLASHER

AZAKA KOKUTOU as INCESTUOUS SHERLOCK

MIKIYA KOKUTOU as SERIOUSLY WHY IS EVERYONE IS THIS DAMN SHOW IN LOVE

WITH HIM IS HE SOME SORT OF PLATONIC INCUBUS

LIO SHIRAZUMI as RESPECTFUL BUSINESS OWNER

KIRIE FUJOU as ACTUALLY GETS TO TO SOMETHING BESIDES SUFFERING

FUJINO ASAGAMI as REAL CIVIL ENGINEER’S WORST NIGHTMARE

TOUKO AOZAKI as HERSELF

KANATA ISHIZUE as FINALLY A WORTHY OPPONENT, OUR BATTLE WILL BE LEGENDARY

No doors or timelines were harmed during the making of this movie.

AFTER CREDITS SCENEWe see TOUKO pick up a note left by KANATA challenging SHIKI, and burn it with magic.

The scene cuts to SHIKI and AZAKA leaving while MIKIYA drags himself to the infirmary.

TOUKO inspects the room.

TOUKO: …all alone.

TOUKO walks to a safe and opens it, revealing a lesbian orgy doujin starring Shiki Ryougi. She begins to read it.

TOUKO: …worth every penny.

#submission #fill #Kara no Kyoukai #Kirie Fujou #Mikiya Kokutou #Azaka Kokutou #Ryougi Shiki

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