#i have to force myself to eat and drink

[autogeneity]

asking chatgpt when I will feel better from being sick

#:( #it's been a week since I started feeling ill so not technically that long but ugh #funny enough I don't think I've used chatgpt at all yet #this is just a meme replacement for 'google search:' #anyway most of the observable cold symptoms are gone #but for some reason I still feel the same way like weak and tired and malaised #my body is not actively in pain but it feels like. tender? #and you know how when you drink extremely cold water and you feel it through its entire pathway #breathing feels like that like I can feel the air throughout moving against very sensitive tender innards #ordinarily by the time the clearest symptoms (e.g. running nose etc) have resolved I feel fine #I hope to god I have not been afflicted by long covid #m #whining #potentially I may also be somewhat undernourished #I have been trying to force myself to eat but it has been hard #everything is repulsive #I suspect also that lying in bed for a week and inconsistent with food intake has not been kind to my digestive system #which is in turn not kind to my appetite #Lots Of Walking seems essential to my gut function lmao

[noctilionoidea]

You very have that thing where you know something is objectively amazing and you can’t fucking stand it despite the fact you know it’s great?

I’m not talking about media I’m talking about my absolute hatred of vegetables

#My safe ones are peas potato seaweed corn and sometimes broccoli (also MUSHROOMS💖 my family hates them) #That’s it #thats literally it #i start puking if it’s anything else #I cannot get myself to eat it #I almost entirely survive off of protein and carbs #Which does not help with the dysmorphia when I’ve been shamed for my eating habits my entire life #Which is why I try to fast a lot save only drinks #And I try to exercise but it’s hard when I’m forcing myself to do it so I mainly just try really hard when I get the chance #I hate that eating comes with this tormenting sense of shame that I have no reason to be feeling as a petite girl

[wiredsmile]

okok it's 12:16am , i have to be up by 6-6:30am & this is what i have so far on this border but . . .

#( leaving this here for the night . . . saving the file & forcing myself to bed for the night !! ) #( i have a long ass drive ahead of me tomorrow morning but then once i get home tomorrow im making it EVERYONES PROBLEM ! <333 ) #( plssss do drop ur thoughts/suggestions/opinions & such tho on this !!! ) #( it'd be SUPER appreciated while i try to shake of this editing rust after TWO MONTHS HAS IT REALLY BEEN THAT LONG GOD ?? ) #( ANYWHO ! ily guys gnight/timezone hope you have wonderful morning/day/night & pls eat smthing & drink some water !! <33 ) #̗̀ ♡⃗ 𝔬𝔲𝔱 𝔬𝔣 𝔠𝔥𝔞𝔯𝔞𝔠𝔱𝔢𝔯 | abi speaks ♡⃗.˳⁺⁎

[zippers]

wish i could gain weight without eating 😭😭😭 like a sims slider i just wanna gain like 15 pounds in 15 seconds is that too much to ask of my body?!?! apparently

#put on shorts i wore when i was 12 and they are TOO BIG #i dont know how much i weigh because i dont have a scale but i was just underweight a few weeks ago #and i have gotten BETTER at forcing myself to eat but i basically only had bread fruit and a monster energy drink yesterday #and by basically i mean... i know thats all i ate #but i mean i ate a lot of bread... like a bagel #half a loaf of french bread and several slices of rosemary sourdough #my mom bought me groceries which i so appreciate but she did not really... buy me healthy foods #like... 3 different bread products... nothing to put on the bread?! when i am in food funks 80% of my nutrition comes from hummus and guac #oh she did buy me soups but my microwave is broken but i literally havent been getting enough calories to HEAT THINGS ON THE STOVE!!!! #they said i might gain weight on zoloft which i was excited before but instead i lost the same amount of weight i lost this summer in half #the time #bc at least this summer i WANTED to eat i just wasnt given long enough breaks at work to eat ENOUGH food #and i was super active. now i am an art hermit not exercisng & going days where 90% of my calories are energy drinks and the occasional carb #i think its a side effect of the meds and not #disordered eating #but im tagging it as that anyway

[fitgothgirl]

Blahhhhh need dopamineeeee I cannot moveeeeeeeee

#I haven’t been pursuing my adhd diagnosis and it’s times like this that remind me I should #(​I paused for a bit cuz of money and insurance and stuff) #but at times like this making an appt would be impossible so that’s a fun combo #outside I am 😶🫥 but inside I am 😭😫 #can’t move but can post on tumblr I guess! #literally struggling to even get up to grab my bong 3 feet away #and if you know me you know that’s a big deal lol #especially since said bong will give me a small hit of the dopamine I seek #yes I realize the issues with this/how I’m making myself worse #I read in atomic habits that lab rats with electrodes blocking all dopamine completely lost the will to eat/drink water/have sex #they just let themselves die over a couple days #really makes it resonate how important dopamine is for motivation and how you can’t just decide to force yourself if you’re too low on it #mine #undiagnosed adhd #adhd #adhd in women #adhd inattentive #adhd life #adhd problems #adult adhd

[mosstrades]

Every day I want to smoke and every day I don't because I know that beyond the arch of juvenile, relieving self-abandonment, is actual self-destruction, and there's nothing good about fracturing your ability to enjoy being alive (let alone, like, stay being alive). But when it's already difficult to connect with the 'enjoyment' part (to feel it at all, to feel you deserve it or to even believe it exists, sometimes), and you *also* take away the self-abandonment, you sort of have... nothing left going for you except the effort of self-betterment. And that's, y'know. Hard.

#not helpful that every caretaker ive ever had has been a chainsmoker #this also goes for: drinking (though less so) #and *especially* for self harm #both direct classic kinds and more insidious ones #(forcing myself not to barehandedly take cast iron skillets out of the oven at work? harder than youd think!) #ive been lucky that even though addiction runs in the family and i have mental illness ive had enough countering influences to #not fall into that trap before i knew better and could get support about it #but barreling towards your 20s like a deer towards the highway will do this to you i guess #Anyway today im going to swallow down the cynicism and try to start doing yoga and journaling again #i'll never be happy like i was but i can find something else. id rather it be nicer than getting drunk off cider and pretending i dont have #to go to work tomorrow which is what i actually want to do #nah. yoga and journaling and eating dinner. like someone who wants to live. wants to see as many sunsets as he can #and live a life where emotional intelligence and connection are not hindered #and who knows. someone who gets to feel peaceful sometimes #the effort isnt futile. it feels futile and childish but it isnt. there is a world where my heart is coherent more days than it is a fist #and thats a world worth the effort of building it #sometimes it feels inevitable though. like i *have* to come as close to self-annihilation as possible in order to earn having survived #a siren song that wont rest until i answer it and if i survive then I get to live #and everything before is just fantasy and prelude #and everything after is actually real #...guess thats something to journal about later instead of the cider thing #they werent lying that come of can age lmao #nick.txt #self harm recovery #addiction cw #vent #yeah yeah im oversharing to the void i know. its been a long summer

[mercuryislove]

I miss being a gym rat :C

#watching vids on insta of beautiful muscular women and occasionally men going HASHTAG BEAST MODE making me miss that shit #i miss when i was beefy and couldnt fit into any of my clothes bc my thighs were so muscular :c #i miss spending three hours at the gym six days a weeeeeeeeeek #what i dont miss is my extremely disordered eating! #i also dont miss trying to force myself to drink protein shakes. ugh. #anyway who wants to come whip me into shape again. lately i have been feeling so ugly and worthless. i need to lift big pieces of metal

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

#delete later #ive been holding out on calling this a depressive time but yeah i guess it is. sitting upright is hard #managed to cook dinner without sitting down but now im so fuckung tired #im dissociating a lot. im out of it abd that means im not renembering to eat or drink and im having to force myself into them #appetite is gone and most food is unappealing at best. #i went outside today and barely felt any of it which is a bad sign #im trying to remember if its pms or not. hopefully it is bc that means itll pass semi quickly #i want to sleep but im keeping myself awake all night for no reason and am struggling to force myself not to #i know i need small things to do. abd things i can do with my hands so i have some kind of physical interaction #so i bought construction toys whilsr out today. and ordered those wooden mosaic toys for kids #theyre low brain low effort things that will still give me energy #it worked. i was able to paint a lil today #but its all just shit. im tired

[tenrose]

My therapist give me "homeworks" and it seems so complicated and emotionally draining on a paper but he told me that my own avoiding mechanisms are in fact worse and more complicated I just don't realize...

#i have to go drink coffee in a public space #alone which i can do #but i have to not look at my phone or read and watch people for as long as i can #and also i have to force myself to cook #not because i have to #but becuase 'it makes me feel better' #and organise my cooking schedule and dishes in advance #because he knows that if i miss one single ingredient i won't do it #even tho there is a shop five minutes by walking from where i live #also told me to put the ingredients ready the morning so i see them and do the stuff #anyway i hope it works #i mena i do cook even tho lately it has been a slide to the void #so i hope I manage to get myself back on track #and cook and eat at reasonable hours so i can sleep earlier #so if i sleep earlier id be more fit to find another job #next time I'll talk to him about the filth I am with cleaning... even though im like very ashamed of it and hate myself for it #but i can't solve everything at once

[wabblebees]

the universe is mean as hell but at least its fucking funny

(cw for christian end-times conversion bullshit under the readmore)

#tonight has been ! bad ! and my brain was not a great place to be for most of it bc iiiiits been getting worse. again. so #i went on a walk to clear my head and Stop thinking of being dead but ! lo and fucking behold ! #its okay ill be fine i promise #but i was laughing the whole fucking way home #i always take down or wreck shit like this when i see it out+about ((also saw a fucking inf//owars sticker that was too cold to peel off so #i had to take my keys to it until it was unrecognizable)) but when i saw the front of this one i was just like ''oh gross'' and tore it off #but i uhh. wasnt rly expecting that top sentence lmfao #started fuvking cackling like a madman in the street #for context if yr reading this and don't know already/cant tell: #im a xtian cult survivor. this is conservative xtian apocalyptic propaganda shit. im furious this exists but holy shit its fuckin hilarious #reading ''hey pal u ready to die?? god lovehates yr guts'' when yr just trying not to think abt how ready to die u are... fucken incredible #i covered up the url on the bottom + im not gonna show the front ((its fucking awful tho omfg. yhe fuckign flag+white house are on there?? #wild lmfao)) bc i dont need their right-wing apocalypse-fearmongering bullshit to get any more web traffic #plus its not like this shit isnt dimeadozen further south/out west. its just been a hot minute since ive seen anyth this edgy-guilt-trippy #in this state. figures. out in the yeehaw-ass back half of mass. #anyway. i hate it here lmao #im more ok now too i promise #walked back home once my phone died + forced myself to eat food+drink water; now im back in bed and texting someone to stay out of my head #i think i might actually go out w better stickers+a knife+some nailpolish remover sometime in the next few days before im headed back home #take down some bullshit and. oooh... think i might put up one of my ''transsexuals have got to get meaner'' sweatermuppet stickers:> #hmmmmm. yeah #cw cult mention #tw christianity #cw bible quotes #cw christianity #tw suicidality #<- just in case. #anyway. i love yall. be careful with yrselves #and if you see bullshit like this please take it down. its trying to funnel people into disgusting right-wing rabbitholes. its dangerous. #bee speaks

[taichissu]

ok but i can't handle black coffee drinkers bc like

while i dislike both coffee and tea, tea drinkers just feel so Out Of It when talking about real tea and proper brewing and shit i can't really take it all that seriously

coffee drinkers are always those dude bros who actually only drink one kind of coffee ever and god forbid you add any cream or sugar to it it's this puritan who has been dating his girlfriend since high school and they don't love each other anymore they both know they cheat on each other but they don't want to break up because they don't want the change

#and their argument is always smn like #'no you simply havent learned to appreciate the flavor of pure coffee' #bro foods and drinks shouldn't be a 'skill' to 'learn' #if i dont like something im not gonna force myself into drinking it until i learn to tolerate it and pavlov myself into thinking i like it #just because 'ive been drinking it this whole time so i must like it' #liking food is not something you should have to learn #that goes out to picky eaters out there too: you dont gotta force yourself to eat something you deeply dislike just bc of other people #I'm rambling i dont even know if it makes sense #i'm just tired of how condensending every single coffee drinker has been to me my whole life when i say i cant handle bitter flavors #'you just need to learn' well i don't want to learn have you considered it #why are people trying to enforce their likes and dislikes onto other people #oh so its ok for you to like coffee but its fucked up for me to eat traditional food from my country bc its 'nasty' and 'fermented'? #fuck off #i made myself angry #also for clarification: when i say tea n coffee drinkers i dont mean anyone who's into those things brewing and blending can be your hobby #who i mean is those people who act all high and mighty and get offended when you drink cheap plain options

[flanphiptere]

Tonights been a rough night

#venting #ive either come down with something or the stress has made me sick #couldnt sleep and have been up and my stomach yearns for food but I'm too nauseated to eat #i tried drinking a protein shake but that made me gag a few times which gave me migraine #now I'm struggling to force myself to drink the rest so I at least go to bed with something in my stomach instead of hungry again #this is a hell of my own doing I've been stress starving since Friday #idek if thats a proper term but #I'm fucked up bad dude

[royalreef]

        ...... Actually, wait, ‘Ravi, you’ve been in your slayer gear for HOW LONG—??

#Glory and Gore || IC #The rumor mill || Dash Commentary #(( AH. THAT WILL SMACK MIRI OUT OF HER EMBARRASSMENT #(( TIME TO FUSS OVER HER WIFE AND GET HER OUT OF HER SWEATY SWEATY GEAR #(( she is helping her take a BATH and being SO GENTLE AND TENDER TO HER SICK WIFE #(( WHEN DID SHE EAT. SHE IS GETTING HER SOMETHING TO EAT. AND SOMETHING TO TAKE CARE OF THE POISON ISSUE FUCKING HELL- #(( (and i am being forced to hold her back from having her cross-universes chew vera out for letting ravi drink poison) #(( (she's just WORRIED!!!!!!) #To save myself for the world where I live || The subs have unionized

[bumblebeerror]

Thinking about other disabled/chronically ill people who like me choose pfps and their style/vibe around dead things and undead things.

#you’ll just never figure out the symbolism /sarcasm #my choices are live with constant pain and fatigue or be dead #boy I wonder why my pfp is an undead creachur #I’m very pissed abt this just ignore me #bumble rumbles #there are no choices #I take care of myself or I have to deal with pain #that’s it #those are my choices. #and they fucking suck #because I don’t WANT to take care of myself all the time #I don’t want to force myself to eat and drink and all this shit #it’s so much fucking work and it does so very fucking little to ease my symptoms #cool I remembered to sort of function. sweet. here’s an improvement to my pain so slight it barely matters #but if I don’t do them? congrats you can’t move without feeling exhausted #and I can’t ask for help because fucking nobody who is around enough and cares enough has the energy or attention span to do it #and nobody who does is around or would take me seriously #like in actuality #I need help with basic things like cooking and remembering to drink #and I need help on a near constant basis #but I’ll simply never get that help it feels like #so I just sort of barely manage to scrape it together #no joke my most functional days are days when someone else cooks and I snitch leftovers #and it drives me insane that I can’t just… do that. literally can’t properly feed myself #but whatever! fuck! i don’t know! I’m just fucking depressed and pissed! and failing to human!

[ioannemos]

woke up this morning feeling like i'd been beaten in the night and almost immediately got a frankly unkind email from my boss. so as you can imagine the day went great! only cried twice!

she asked why certain things hadn't been done and i countered by asking when, exactly, i was supposed to get them done when watching 20+ kids by myself, especially when some of those kids straight up refused to listen to me. or answer honestly, apparently, bc i did ask if they had homework, okay, and they said no. and not a single parent asked me why it wasn't done. not one. but they did email my boss! who was out of town! and she didn't forward the emails or email me herself about it or text me or anything so i only found out today! so that's nice

also her beef with a local woman seems likely to escalate bc now i'm in the middle of another disagreement and the local woman, who goes to my church and has been very friendly with me, said that i said things that i know i did not say. so now what. how do i deal with that.

the other librarian did back me up tho. when i was trying to explain why planned activities didn't happen and trying not to cry and failing, the other librarian said "she's been working her ass off" so that was encouraging. i'm glad someone noticed

not a word from my boss about anything i did right while she was gone. not a thing. just a general air of "i'm not mad just disappointed." and a "oh, you're leaving? okay bye abbieweloveyou!" when i picked up my stuff and left while she was still talking to the volunteer who's basically the only reason i'm still as close to sane as i am

#my skull is full of pins #i took two ibuprofen and still have a headache #i still feel like i've been beaten #yeah i didn't eat drink or sleep enough while you were gone and felt at times on the verge of a breakdown from stress #but enough about that! let's talk about how just being myself put me in the middle of your ongoing battle against your evil nemesis #aka a woman from my church who runs the food bank and seems like a decent (if forceful) person #that's a conversation i'd much rather have #/sarcasm #ugh #work #personal #abbie needs a twitter

[gobbluthbutagirl]

i have been experiencing a near-total loss of appetite for three full weeks now and if this issue does not magically resolve itself within the next 12 days i’ll be going without cake on my birthday for the second year in a row. sad!

#i was super depressed 3 weeks ago so i naturally assumed it was just that. well it’s not that #i have been having to force myself to eat & grocery shopping feels like being killed because nothing appeals to me #and i feel full pretty much all the time. and i had to stop drinking coffee because i think that was making it worse #literally so crazy to think a mere month ago i was not basing my every decision around how much it might make my stomach hurt #like damn what happened