#i fucking hate my brain honestly no one asked me to have a mental breakdown at their house (thank god i didn't cry)

[wild-at-mind]

Had a really stupid conversation via minor emotional breakdown with a queer friend about what makes an LGBTQ person 'assimilist'. From what she said I'm kind of forced to draw the conclusion 'if you say you're not assimilist, then you're not'.

#i love her but none of it makes any sense to me #i think i really just wanted her to see that this kind of rhetoric is no good if you're fundamentally unable to see yourself as having valu #to a community- which is where i'm still at sometimes unfortunately. #i would say that i may not be the only one since mental illness + self esteem issues + being lgbtq are not exactly unlinked #but i have basically never found anyone else who has my particular hangups...maybe online once ages ago #so in my own mind i'm the most assimilist lgbtq who ever existed- not even worthy to call myself queer #and it's nice that she thinks i am not like that and in fact am 'one of the good ones' #who is not assimilist- look i know that 'one of the good ones' usually means the opposite ok i know! it's just an impression i get #she's like telling me obviously i'm all good because i look like i do but all i can hear is #that if i didn't look like this then i'm an assimilist #i fucking hate my brain honestly no one asked me to have a mental breakdown at their house (thank god i didn't cry) #and then go home and that's when i cry because i saw a trans guy's 'this many years on t' post and i felt like shit because #i haven't done anything about transitioning in ages and i'm not even out at work :'( #like i know i'm an assimilist because my main reason for not coming out at work is not wanting to do the beaurocracy #of changing my name on my email and every fucking log in i have on everything- telling every single person i interact with #i just can't it's too much and my line manager is worse than useless #but i have 'my job is computer and doing emails all day' privilege so i don't like to talk to people about it

[goldeneyedgirl]

Alright! That's the first time I send an ask message to someone I don't know and probably the last one (because, honestly, is kinda scary) but listen, baby, you had NOT the right to make me addicted to a fic where the mass-murderer-nightmare-of-the-south Major Jasper Whitlock is a whole ass baby daddy!!!! Seriously, I'd never imagine I'd read something like that and LOVE IT??? I mean, I could picture Alice being a mom in some aus, since her character seems to be very attached to the idea of having a family, but Jasper???? The one who killed a thousand of vampires and non-vampires with no mercy???? I have only one thing to say: I need more.

There is no way you're as scared of me as I am of you. I think we should just agree to be scared together. 

Anon, THANK YOU for your message. All my messages mean so much to me, and to know that I've written something that you didn't expect to love? Ugh, made my day. My week. 

The thing about babyverse is that I smashed out like 8k words of it during a Bad Time; I was having some kind of mental breakdown and writing the OG version was my way of mainlining a carton of ice cream and a bucket of fries to cope with my woes. I actually fucking hate baby fics because Jasper and Alice are not parents. Every single baby-related fic that I read on FF.Net pissed me off. But my brain ran away with me and then I decided to riff on the concept and we ended up with five or six variations on a theme, one of which you guys *love*.

I think the thing that is important to remember about Jasper is that he is an ice-cold killer, one of the most dangerous vampires on the continent with a strong reputation even though he walked away over *eighty* years ago. 

In Hybrid-verse, this means there are people in the known that lie away at night wondering exactly what happened to Maria's Major because his reappearance would be catastrophic. None of his past changes because he has a son and a partner; it arguably makes it worse. He still suffers from depression, he still has guilt and shame, and now he's somehow ended up with a mostly-human son to raise.

And the fact that he wasn't close to his father, and has vague memories of Civil Era parenthood has him crazy unprepared for being a dad (he is totally stunned the first time Alice just casually breastfeeds Ollie in front of him one night; she teases him mercilessly that they can have sex and have a kid, but breastfeeding shocks him.) 

As for Alice, she's just always an agent of chaos. I have a very, very hard time imagining her as a mother - baby-verse and the AH tattoo fic are the only two I ever bothered attempting that (and tattoo-verse is kind of a riff on a lot of the AH fics written in '05, so it doesn't really count.) Alice is always going to be authentically herself, and being a mother doesn't change her. Ollie is just the best-dressed kid in the room. 

So have a little snippet of the OG, Official (if there ever is such a thing) Babyverse

“Oh my god, Jasper.”

I gaped at him as Ollie babbled at me, his chubby hands patting at my cheeks. 

It had been two months since the Cullens had arrived back in Forks, since Jasper had come home to me - and to Ollie. It had gone by faster than I thought possible, honestly. 

Edward and Bella had decided to get married in the last weeks of August - the plan was the wedding, a quick honeymoon somewhere in South America (a surprise for Bella, apparently), and home just in time to start freshman year at Dartmouth. Well, ‘home’ would be the house that Esme had picked out in New Hampshire. I didn’t know if they were even planning to come back to Forks after the wedding. 

It felt like a strange and rushed choice after being apart for a year, but I had congratulated them and was pitching in with the wedding planning. They were happy about it, and that was the most important thing. 

My own college plans were a lot more diaphanous than Bella and Edward’s, and I was mostly content just to work out my new normal with my son and my quasi-boyfriend. The summer wasn’t over yet, and I knew I’d have to have a few hard conversations before it was over - mostly that if the Cullens wanted to go to New Hampshire and play college students, I would be staying here in Forks with my family - Simon had suggested taking a bunch of community college credits online to stretch my college fund a little further and to keep me close to home for a while. 

Adjusting Ollie on my hip, I gave Jasper a Look, as he tried not to meet my gaze. Since we’ve gotten home, he’d been… well, amazing. No one had ever taken co-parenting as seriously as Jasper was, and I had never seen as many parenting books as Jasper had somehow collected that first week. The Cullen house suddenly boasted an unnecessary amount of baby paraphernalia (right down to the framed photographs that Esme had asked Dad and I for - I had been mildly horrified to see my first photo with Ollie framed on the upstairs console table; my sweaty, disorientated, and white as a ghost face with Ollie on my chest immortalised next to Rose and Emmett in a Venetian gondola had really done a number on my self esteem.)

But Jasper had give me an insane amount of things since he’d gotten home. First it had been a new baby swing when mine ended up dying spectacularly. Then - when Esme found out that Ollie was an unenthusiastic sleeper at the best of times - there had been an insanely expensive cot that was meant to encourage him to sleep. Then there were books and toys - most of them under the guise of bonding with him. And then a second set of everything at the Cullens because Jasper didn’t want me lugging so many things with me every time we came over. 

(Rosalie had - with all the subtly of an infomercial - asked me if I preferred bracelets or rings, and I had had to squash the idea of any kind of jewellery as a gift. Both of the Cullen women had grown up in an age where the birth of a healthy son and heir would have come with a sparkly piece of jewellery and I thought that was so gross. Jasper had listened to me rant for nearly fifteen minutes, bewildered, after Rosalie and Esme had been insisting he had to gift me some kind of diamond for Ollie - preferably in blue - for weeks. Cynthia had thought I was insane to refuse. The first and only gem I would accept from Jasper would be an engagement ring - when we were ready.) 

And now, there was the latest - and most expensive - of his gifts. 

“You bought me a car?” I said dumbly.

The blue SUV parked out the front looked perfectly normal; shiny and new but not out of place. It was no Mercedes Guardian or Aston Martin or whatever BMW Rose was driving. And I kind of liked that - no one would give it a second look in Forks. 

The thing was, a car had been a much contested item in my family - the ancient little car Cynthia and I had been sharing had finally crapped out beyond repair and we had ended up pooling our savings to save for a new one. We were about three thousand dollars off something decent - Dad and Simon were vetoing anything that they didn’t deem safe enough. Simon and Dad were generous enough to occasionally loan me one of their cars, and Jasper had been more than willing to chauffeur me around. 

Until now. 

“I know you and Cynthia were saving for one,” Jasper began, reaching out to tuck one of Ollie’s curls out of his eyes. I was putting off getting his hair cut because his messy hair was too cute to lose. “But I was thinking…”

“Jas.”

“Cynthia has so many co-curriculars, and spends so much time on the Res that it felt like you’d be spending a lot of time in the car - or not getting to use it as much.”

I was still giving him a Look as Ollie had moved on to grasping at my necklace, fascinated. 

“…I wanted to make sure you were safe,” Jasper said finally. “Rose helped me pick it out - and the carseat. Both have the best safety ratings on the market.”

Walking closer, I could see the carseat already fitted in the backseat. It was, frankly, perfect. I was concerned about the qualifier ‘on the market’ - I wouldn’t put it past Jasper to try and get some kind of unreleased bomb-resistant baby carseat. 

“The car or the carseat?” I asked, looking back at him - he was finally looking a little bit guilty. 

“What?”

“Which is the safest you could find - the car or the carseat?”

“Both.” Jasper looked at me and offered out the keys. Ollie reached out for them with a squeal of delight. “Let me do this for my family, Alice. I want to make sure you have what you need.”

It was hard to argue with him when he called us his family. It always made me melt a little, that he thought of us that way. I had had to squash more than one of his old-fashioned ideas of babies and parenting over the last two months, but his staunch determination to take care of us always made me give in. 

The car was staying. I didn’t have it in me to argue when he was looking at me with that oddly hopeful gaze. And he wasn’t wrong - I did need a car, I wanted it to be a good and safe one, and it wasn’t like he’d gone out and gotten me something ultra expensive… 

“HE BOUGHT YOU A CAR?”

The front door banged, Cynthia bolted onto the street, her eyes huge and her hands on her hips.

“All your brothers are married, right Jasper?” She asked before darting over to the car to inspect it. 

“Nearly.” Jasper was trying very hard not to laugh; he really did get a kick out of Cynthia’s Teenage Drama Queen brand of dramatics. 

“I am doomed to forever have to work for my money,” Cynthia sighed, pulling back and looking over at us. She’d gotten a job at Forks’ bakery slash ice cream slash coffee shop and had spent the last month acting like she was being forced to work in the mines in the dead of winter. It was eternally entertaining, and she was keeping the house supplied in free pastries, ice cream, and bread. “Give the baby to Jasper, Alice.”

I looked over and Jasper looked so hopeful, his hands already twitching.

“He always just stands there with this half sad-puppy, half-hopeful look that you’ll read his mind,” Cynthia said bossily. “Every single time, you wait for her to offer. Just take him - I do.”

Ollie let out a crow of delight as Jasper took him, babbling happily and waving my new car keys in one hand. Jasper had a look of such tenderness on his face that I felt bad he thought that I had some kind of ownership over the child we shared. That he felt he couldn’t just ask to hold Ollie. 

“Hello Oliver,” he said, holding him so carefully. “Are you being good for your mother?” He got a spit-bubble reply; it had only taken two months for Ollie to recognise that Jasper was one of his people.

“You can ask me for the baby, Jas,” I said softly, leaning against his other side; his arm wrapping around my shoulders automatically. “You can hold your son, you don’t need my permission.”

“I don’t like to upset him; he’s always so happy with you,” Jasper murmured, nodding as Ollie brandished the keys at him importantly.

I rolled my eyes fondly. Ollie was happy when Jasper held him. Our son had taken like a duck to water at the sudden reintroduction of the Cullens to our lives; Esme was good for cuddles, Emmett was the one that would give me a heart attack by tossing him in the air and swooping him around until Ollie was red in the face and laughing, and Rosalie was someone that he was entranced with - something about the way that she was with him made Ollie go all soft and angelic when he was with her. Little ratbag had Auntie Rose wrapped around his little finger - probably why she had helped Jasper with the car. 

Ollie still held a grudge against Carlisle for giving him his shots last month, hiding his face every time he saw him. Edward and Bella were terribly awkward around Ollie, but kind to him. Ollie adored Edward playing the piano, and every time Edward had played for him, he had been transfixed. 

Whilst Jasper might have been one of Ollie’s people, he was only just grasping the concept of ‘Daddy’ and Jasper being one and the same. We would get there eventually. He was only a baby. 

“Thank you for the car,” I said softly. “You didn’t have to, but I love it.”

“You do?” Jasper adjusted his grip on Ollie, before pulling me closer. 

“I do. But you don’t need to buy me or Ollie all these things.”

He really didn’t. About two weeks after he got back, Cynthia had read him the riot act and pointed out that since he didn’t sleep, he could be pulling the nightshift, and maybe slip me the occasional twenty so I could buy diapers. That had resulted in him giving me a credit card, the acquisition of the sleep-training cot, and him literally expecting to sit in the tree outside my bedroom and watch over me and Ollie. He’d been surprised when I’d given him a set of house-keys, and allowed him to bring books and a laptop over so he didn’t have to actually watch us sleep. More than one night, he’d ended up in the living room giving Ollie a bottle and reading him back to sleep. There was nothing cuter than going downstairs in the morning to find Ollie passed out asleep on Jasper’s chest, as Jasper read some heavy book over his head. 

“I want to. I love you both so, so much. This is nothing, Alice. This is just a car,” he said softly. 

“Can you two kiss so we can go inside and I can make Dad and Pa feel bad for me?” Cynthia called and I started laughing, Ollie cooing at us before giggling along with me. 

The rest of the Cullens had given no indication whether or not they would be relocating to New Hampshire any time soon, and I hadn’t asked because it wasn’t a conversation I wished to have: I was staying in Forks with my family and my son for the foreseeable future, and no amount of bribery would make me budge. 

Not that Jasper would even try, I knew that. We had talked in through and he understood that I wanted this time with my father and with Simon and with Cynthia. 

Jasper had been spending every spare moment with us, and desperately compensating for leaving me; I knew that Carlisle and Esme had given my parents half of the cost of my medical care for the pregnancy (which neither of my parents wanted to accept until I pointed out that the financial hit would affect Cynthia’s college options, not to mention finishing the house renovation. It might have been loose change to the Cullens, but that money made a difference to us.) 

#when it comes to fit i am that food critic from ratatouille #my fic: hybrid babyverse #just imagine rosalie quizzing jasper on infant care #both of them taking it more seriously than the mcats #also push presents are gross #alice is a strong independent eighteen year old #jasper is so out of his depth and he loves it

[strange-aether]

anyway i should probably start looking for a therapist again even though the last one went so badly. i need to explain emotional chernobyl to the next one because the last one led me right back to the radioactive hotspots even after i said "do not let me go here"

honestly fuck rogerian therapy. i do not like it.

i know often therapists will use it for the first few sessions to figure out what your deal is but that does not work for me because i will simply find my way back into the bad loops and those are just triggering. if i end up back in the bad loops that is backwards progress. it took me a long time to get OUT of the bad loops.

anyway i hate rogerian therapy, even as a tool to figure out what a patient's deal is, because if you want to know what my deal is you can just ask me specific questions to find out the information you need. don't try to lead me into the fucking elephant's foot inside my own brain. the big metal warning spikes are there for a reason.

i need a therapist that understands how much i understand. because they don't believe me. they don't understand that i have an aerial view. the entire topology of my mental landscape is laid out before me. if they want a map I will draw one, but don't try to make your own map by using my breakdowns as a geiger counter.

[what-if-nct]

Hey. I'm from the Netherlands, a 14 years old girl, so if you are uncomfy with a minor reaching out to you, dont feel obligated to answer this ask. This question also includes mental issues, so also if you are uncomfy, please delete this ask.

I have issues with my parents, since I'm a minor I cannot leave them. They aren't abusing me in any way, I just find their personalities not fitting with mine at all. Most of the time I feel like picking fights with them because they just make me hate them so much. They talk a lot about peoples backs and insult people. They fatshame people a lot and are really hypocritic. (I have a problem with hypocritic people in general.) They call themselves Christians while they (especially my father) are acting like total morons.

I am 14 years old, which means I have to live another 4 years with them. Another 4 years of pretending to be the perfect daughter, just because I cant permit to be in a '4 years hating each other' situation. I'm close to collapsing, I'm both mentally and physically tired. Once I can let down my facade, I have breakdowns non-stop, I've been cutting and I have problems with eating.

I have a dream, which is to become a kpop singer. Now, I might sound as a weird kpop fan. I love singing and music, I cant live without it. I would do anything to both get myself out of this situation and achieve my dream. (Kpop because they have those promotion things, which means performing more)

My parents obviously dont support that dream. They also dont support my sexuality, and dont know I have a girlfriend, they think we're having a platonic relation. This makes me sad, mostly because whenever I visit her and her family, they make me feel worthy of living. But when I return home, it's like my situation slaps me in the face and I have to pretend again.

Today, they discovered my wrist and now they want to talk. I don't want to talk to those people to invent my private space or tell me that they love me. They are intruders of my life, and they've hurt me. I have a brother, which is their son and they insult and neglect their own fucking son for his hobbies and the fact that he curses a lot. While my father does the same.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I'd so much rather live like a trainee, a life called difficult by most people. I'd so much rather live as a hated person like Wonyoung, because then I wouldn't have to see those hurt eyes from people that love me. Because I cant take that, my parents looking at me like that.

I cant live like this anymore. I don't want to see them anymore. I want them dead honestly. Please believe me if I say that I'm slowly dissapearing and only my worries are left. Because this is only a part of what's going on in my brain. I have autism and am highly intellegent. I overthink and overthink things. I'm driving myself crazy and am not blaming anyone. At the same time, I'm blaming every hypocritic ass. My parents, my school, my supposed friends. Will I be able to live like a human? Or is this just what human life is like?

I'm sorry for making this a long essay, but I'm asking you for advice. If you dont want to give advice, please delete this ask. If you do want to, thanks.

Okay,first of all it's fine, I don't mind. And I really really want to let you know, you are not alone. Sometimes being with your family is somewhere you don't feel like you belong. And you want more then anything to be somewhere you belong. You are not alone. I think my only advice is to not give up, even though it may feel like this if the only life you will ever know. That's just the circumstances talking to you. You just have to not give up, hang in there. Try to find a family within your friends. My best friend is like my sister and she's one of the people I trust the most in the world. And the moment you can spend most of your days with them things will feel so much lighter.

And four years feels like a long time. But it will go by so quickly so in the meantime research and save money and figure out the best way to reach your dreams and ignore anyone who tries to discourage you because you can do anything you set your mind to. And sometimes even adults have to keep secrets from their family, my family doesn't know I'm bi, they don't even know where I'm going or who I'm with when I go out at night. Sometimes it's hard to be who you really are with your family.

As for self harm and having issues with eating please be kind to yourself, you don't deserve to be treated like that You deserve love and kindness and I want you to try to treat yourself with love and kindness and forgiveness. I know it's so much harder said than done. But just try to find a healthier coping mechanism instead of inflicting pain on yourself. And I know you don't want to tell your parents, and I won't judge you if you pass it off as a scrape, a fall or a brush with a fence. I did that when I was your age.

I really don't know if you should tell your parents in my case I was sent to the psychiatric hospital and got therapy and put on anti depressants I still take. but I know in some cases the family reacts differently. If anyone has any better advice they could provide, that would be great. Sadly I'm still in the mindset I was when I was 12 to 15 about it and still struggle with it. But if anyone has better advice please give it. But I just want to tell you is to not give up or lose hope. It will get better.

[just-a-dumb-gay]

Tangent about dentists incoming because I need to rant into a void about how much I hate the one I saw today.

HOW DAMN HARD IS IT TO SHOW THE TINIEST BIT OF KINDESS?! LIKE COME ON!!

I went to the dentist today for a check up and to make a treatment plan. Now, I was expecting to be told right off the bat at least 4 teeth have to go. But, currently only 1 has to go and I already knew about that one. Things may change once they've checked the xray but still.

The person I saw. She was so blunt and honestly sounded like she was judging. I am well aware my teeth are all fucked up, the joys of my brain making me have to pick and choose between what self care I have the energy for or simply no motivation for any.

BUT SHE IS SUPPOSED TO HELP?! I NEARLY HAD A BREAKDOWN IN THAT CHAIR BECAUSE OF HOW SHIT I FELT ABOUT MYSELF!!

I told her I'm trying but struggle with my mental health and she basically told me "Tough shit not good enough" but in dentist speak.

I refuse to see her again. Nope nope nope. When I call and ask to see someone else and they ask why I will straight up tell them I have too much anxiety and need someone nicer.

I had to go get an emergency filling a month ago and the person I saw and her assistant WERE SO DAMN KIND AND UNDERSTANDING!! Like?! Seriously!! I thanked them both like 100 times, and before leaving and also said "Thank you both for making this so much better than my anxiety told me it was gonna be". They were patient, understanding, but still done their job and damn well. Those are the type of people that should be working in health care. Especially in a field that nobody is shy about hating because they feel judged.

Im pretty sure I'll be seeing someone different next time to get a cleaning some other shit done so that's fine. But I will absolutely call and ask to see someone else next time I'm meant to have her. Yes that phone call will cause me A LOT of anxiety but honestly better than her.

Okay tangent over I just had to get that out my system

#dentist #mental health

[sadistic-softie]

Sometimes I need to stop, take a step back, and ask myself, "Am I ok?" and the answer is always, "uuhh?????????"

therapy gets so repetative and exhausting. When am i gonna move on from complaining about the same problems actually get to the helping part? And how many therapists is it gonna take before I get there? I'm on number...7??? 8? 9???? and i hate that every single one of them has been like, ~most therapists go through the notes and records of the patients health conditions and past sessions with other therapists, but I don't like to do that here. I like to start clean and fresh with each patient so I can hear it from them. I have your chart and all your info here, but i just wanna hear if from you~. Because im so cool and all the other therapists suck mega penis~ Like stfu and please read my chart for the love of god i dont need to go through hours of sessions of straight miserable traumadumping every single time i get disconnected from a therapist and have to spend 5 months on the waiting list for a new one. And it's so easy to just get dropped by therapists too. I missed 2 appointments ever? gone. Therapist suddenly vanished from the establishment? We can't replace them! find a whole new place! Your new therapist sucks and just tells you to get over it? Give us a month and we'll see if we can find someone else for you. oopsies! your therapist got fired! Nothing we can do about that! Your therapist forced you into a situation that she knew would put you in danger of abuse? It was her job! FUCK. I literally get better therapy from calling 988, crisis lines, or abuse hotlines for 10 minutes and they're free. Might as well just call THEM on a weekly basis since they ACTUALLY FUCKING HELP YOU WHEN YOU ASK FOR FUCKING HELP. They give you advice, comfort, support, coping mechanisms, distractions, suggestions, resources, ideas, communities, etc etc. Seriously. Therapy, in all my years, barely ever does that shit unless you're on the brink of breakdown because "why is nothing working!?" nothing's working because it's literally nothing being put to work. They're putting nothing machines in your brain factory, and when 'NOTHING' is working, no progress gets made.

Honestly. Sometimes, I feel like maybe I'm just really unlucky with my therapists. I be spilling my soul to them and begging for help and they're just like. "Hmmm...that does seem very difficult...What do you think I can do to help you?" and i just...like..."I don't know??? im not really a mental health specialist??? Like you??????" and they fucking laugh and go, "Well, that is true...hmmmmm, let me think...you seem to be doing everything you cannnn...hmmmm" God, i never show it but tht shit pisses me off so bad. The more times i hear "What do you think i can do to help?" and "Hmmmmmmm" and overly fucking drawn out words, the more 'asshole' and ingenuine it sounds. It sounds like mockery. It sounds like they think I'm a toddler trying to figure out how to manuver their first 4 piece puzzle. They sound like when teachers say "I dunno. Can you?" when you ask if you can use the restroom. Like...Do you think I'm fucking around when I say I don't know what to do? Do you think I just ask for help for shits and giggles? Do you think, "I'm feeling suicidal" is just a quirky little catchphrase? Like, fuck. Just listen to one fucking thing I say. I pay you for this. Just fucking listen to me and hear the words coming out of my mouth and process what they actually fucking mean. I fucking have nobody else and I'm paying you to help me not fucking kill myself and you're gonna fucking sit there, eating cereal, talking about how your 'poor husband' was so shy "just like me" that he didn't make the first move on you when you first met, like this session is about comparing my socially crippling mental condition to a common case of the nerves, acting like you're my casual best friend or acting like this is me learning 2 plus fucking 2 in kindergarden math class with god damn counting blocks and you don't wanna give me too many hints that give the answer away. FUCK. OFF. No fucking wonder your other patients cuss you out. I bet they're soooo lucky to have you like you're sooo lucky that im so god damn polite and articulate. You like that im so articulate, huh? You really get what im saying? How about this next one?: QUIT YOUR JOB.

#therapy #is not helping #and it stresses me out #and its miserable #tw sui ideation #988lifeline #vent #sorry i got really angry #therapy is just so fucking taxing and exhausting #and it should really be the opposite #fuck i been needing to say this #sorry i fucking snapped #gonna cry myself to sleep

[mosviqu]

IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH AND I HATE ALL OF THE THINGS I GOT TO KNOW ABOUT THIS ERA THEIR HARD WORK IS NOT APPRECIATED ENOUGH WAHHH

i didn't even have the motivation to check out the last song from them ngl💔💔very sad about them but maybe i will like it after watching music shows lmao i wont give up (fully) on the 03liners💔 WAITTTT TRUE HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT INTAK WHAT THE HECK I WAS SO HAPPY ABOUT HIM (and same i saw that they are having a cb and i was like:o i forgot about u guys:o) AN AMAZING CREW!!!! also would selfishly add enhypen sunoo he is a lovely 03 liner as well🥹 (idk know mcnd☹️☹️ i heard like 2-3 of their songs but i never checked them out☹️ BUT IM HAPPY THERE IS AN 03 LINER IN THERE!!!)

IT IS IMPORTANT BUT IM STILL NOT SURE IF ITS 100% TRUE😭 i love keeho so much like that was the point where i was like yeah u are going to be my fav from here!! seeing the screenshots of it still makes me laugh so much

i can imagine that😭 my sister was in the exact same situation as u💀

IT WAS!!!! dino is lovely and i would love to see u being his body guard ngl🤣 I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THEY DIDNT DO IT💔💔just such a big heartbreak💔💔ALSO TALKING ABOUT TREASURE DID U HEAR THE SNIPPET HE POSTED OF A SONG??? it sounds very great imo

I CAN SO RELATE TO THAT!!! english is so hard without english classes i never realized that till now💔 i only talk in english with my sister but it's a mess i even just struggle to put together sentences now😭 writing my replies takes so much brain cells from me so i always just pray that u will get what i'm trying to say even if it's not correct lmao🥸 RECORDING VLOGS IS SO MUCH FUN!! i did it for a while and it was so amazing so i recommend it only sent them to my bestie but it was actually so funny😭 THE BRITISH PEOPLE GOT US REAL HARD💔

(AHHH THANK U SO MUCH;-; I APPRECIATE IT!!! HANBIN!!! I HOPE U WILL HAVE MORE MOMENTS OVER HIM LMAO HE IS VERY GREAT😌 although be careful with asking me about zbone members cuz idk three of them;-; but working on it🤞 and u can tag me or message me ofc i dont mind🥹💕) (liebestraum anon🥳💕)

LITERALLYYYY i saw a tiktok where it compared all the other dances where its a member x woman (ten or baek) and it said "so this is okay, but this isnt?" showing enha and the comments were like "we are the problem" LMAO so at least they are self-aware.

no because i was really disappointed too >:(( but the title track still slaps i said what i said. watched them perform it too and they have cute bubbly vibes i am heartbroken for the lack of interest from my side. NO BC WHEN I STARTED BIASING INTAK AND REALISED HE WAS A 03 LINER I HAD A MENTAL BREAKDOWN. ((still am a jiung girlie at heart tho). i am really excited for their cb tho it sounds amazing!!! HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT SUNOO WHAT THE FUCK AAAAAAAAAA IM SO SORRY he's my fav 03 liner. ((there are actually 2 03 liners in mcnd but i forgot the other one LMAO i honestly cant remember their names anymore but i had a very short mcnd phase lol. all i know is that i'd die for minjae thats all)

i would honestly be a good bodyguard bc i have a lot of rage in me. like i could fully fight someone if i was mad enough LMAOO. everything for dino baby <3 I DID SEE THE SNIPPET I LOST MY SHIT LOWKEY HIGHKEY I AM SO EXCITED AAAAAAA

i mean english isnt really hard for me if we are talking abt writing and stuff but speaking out loud is more difficult if you don't regularly do it >:( dont worry we are on the same wavelength i always know what u mean w your replies AHAH sometimes i speak in eng w my roommate bc she is an english major (she only picked the major bc of me and then i ended up doing psychology so i owe her this bc her english isnt as good as mine) I USED TO RECORD VLOGS W MY BROTHER but we never posted them thank god. i'm still down to do it honestly its so fun LMAO

hanbin.......i looked up his name on tiktok once and now my fyp is filled with him and im so in love he's so cute and adorable and sweet like i saw clips of ppl giving him letters and how much he loves getting them and even asked if anyone has letters for him please zb1 fans give him letters!!!!!! no bc i only know ricky, hanbin, zhang hao and matthew :,) but the more i see them on my fyp the more i am convinced to stan once they debut like i legit debated on watching boys planet yesterday bc i lowkey like survival shows but when i found out the eps are 2 hours long i decided to just....not...do that...

also a small update on the tbz recs i did some progress and i really liked diamond life and survive the night :p i have like 11 songs left from the ones u recommended LMAO but yeah i loved those two

#liebestraum anon #also when i saw you reblog my fic i almost cried

[okayish-omens]

I'm having a fucking breakdown

I'm fully an adult now and have been for some time, but fuck i haven't even figured it out yet. I'm still stumbling along trying to make the best of it

I have it all one moment, then it's all gone the next. I feel organized and on top of it one moment then U fall down the next. I know everything one moment then I know nothing at all the next. I'm energized and ready to go one moment then completely exhausted the next. I'm clear on my goals one moment then i'm at the end of my rope the next.

What will it take for me to get just a breather here? Do i have to hurt myself? I'm already under 24/7 scrutiny by myself, but i can still use my body if i need to let it go. Do i really have a mental block keeping me from taking charge or am i just being a lazy asshole? Do people around me really despise me or is that just in my head? How much of my mental state is real and how much is a self-inflicted fantasy?

I've tried asking for help from friends and psychiatrists and they all tell me to "just get over it" but i don't know how. I feel like i have fallen into a pit and instead of reaching out, everyone's just standing around complaining why i haven't "just climbed out" yet.

I'm sorry i don't live up to your standards. Hell yeah i'm frustrated about it and i hate it somewhere, but honestly i think it's time for me to move on and find a better place for myself. I wish i knew how to cure or even kill what's keeping me from making progress and longterm plans but there wouldn't be any more of me left if i did. For some sick reason i ended up with this fucked-up brain. I'm sorry i have mental issues. I'm sorry i keep forgetting. I'm sorry i don't live up to your standards. I'm sorry i'm overthinking at least three different things at any point of the day or night, i'm sorry i can't dedicate my life to you i'm sorry i'm fucked up i'm sorry my head is telling me i'm the most godawful waste of space every fucking minute i'm sorry my constant mental selfharm is keeping me from doing what you want me to do but i'm sorry i can't do what you actually want me to do because i want to live. But it's best if i leave now and not inflict any more damage or negativity around me. I'm sorry i'm a fucking misfit in a sea of grey mice. I'm trying to fit in but it's making me stand out even more. I'm not sorry i'm fucking pissed off about all the fucking backtalk because that shit should be said to my face so i can hear it. Fuck this toxic culture permeating the walls and our screens. Fuck this harboured grudge situation. Fuck two-faced interpersonal behaviour. Fuck setting double standards that seem to disadvantage me while everyone else is completely unaffected. Fuck this bias.

Fuck dreams, right? Fuck standing out, fuck giving room to people fuck open and honest environments fuck encouraging people fuck positivity just fuck all of it i guess

I'm almost at the end of my rope at the end of the cliff and you're torn between pulling me back and telling me to run to the horizon. No not almost. I am there. And i'm afraid to look back and see that the person holding the rope is also holding scissors.

I'm partly the happiest person alive but i've been completely torn down and left to dust at the same time. I've had too many impressions today, this week, month, year. I just want to go to sleep and wake up and be fine more than a lot of things really, trust me.

But i can't get there alone. I need to be guided and dragged there. There's no more power left in me for this, i've given my all. I'm running on fumes and you're telling me to run faster well i can't. If i knew why, i'd have been cured a long time ago but i'm not.

You don't accept me. Not really. You don't accept mental issues. Not really. You don't think i'm valuable. Not really. You don't see what's going on inside. Not really. After being shot three times in the chest, i'm hesitant to get back up and face the barrel again. So i'm sorry. For all of it, i fucking guess. Or not. I don't care.

#pers

[peaceisadirtyword]

Best weekend ever♥️

After the best weekend of my life and a few days visiting Cologne, I arrived home a couple of days ago. There were moments in which I thought I wouldn’t be able to make that trip, but I finally did, and I will be grateful for it every single day of my life💕

Meeting the Vikings cast for me was an actual dream. I got to see and say hello to people I admire a lot, and that’s a privilege and an opportunity I never thought I’d have. Especially seeing Alex again, that part was my favourite. All of them were so sweet and nice to us! I took pics with Gustaf, Travis, Alex and Alexander, and I look ugly as fuck but they look perfect🥰

Alex kept saying ‘hey honey’ every time we’d see each other, with a big smile and that cozy vibe he has around him. When I went in to take the pic with him and Alexander he smiled and said: Hey gorgeous!! I love seeing you and it absolutely made my day, week, month, year and life. He hugged me every time I went to take a pic with him, he smiled in a warm way that honestly made me tear up. Alexander was very nice too, and Travis HUGGED ME (the fucking Travis Fimmel, I’m still processing it) and Gustaf was so sweet!♥️ I got to talk to Alex a few times and he recognized me, took his time with me and had always a smile and nice words for me. It means a lot😭💞

On Sunday he was very tired, they made him run everywhere because they were late and he apologized to us for making us wait. You could see how tired he was even if he assured me he was okay when I asked him, but still I didn’t want to bother him too much. In fact, I had a mental breakdown on Sunday night as I was catching a train with a friend because my brain tried to convince me I was very annoying and that he hated me now🙃 I do hope I wasn’t as annoying as I think I was😂 I was just very happy, I become very annoying when I’m happy. To be honest, I don't remember being that happy in years, so that’s cool🥰

I don't know if I ever mentioned this here (I probably did because, again, I'm very annoying), but Vikings is my fav show because it helped me overcome one of the worst moments of my life. Watching that show distracted me enough to stop thinking dark things when I was all alone and after something very bad happened to me. I don’t know what would have happened to me if I hadn’t had that distraction, so I’m very thankful for that series. I don't think any of the actors could even imagine why I kept saying ‘thank you’, but I really needed to say it. I also said it a thousand times on the letter I gave Alex, which I don’t think he’ll read but at least I got to say it in some way. 

It was great. It was one of those moments I’ll remember in the future and I’ll think: “life is not so bad sometimes” 🥰 I hope you get these moments too♥️

As I said, I look terribly ugly in the pics but I’m posting them cutting me off so you all can enjoy these people’s beautiful faces too💕

:( they’re cute 🥰 and they make me happy and sad at the same time 🥲

and yes I’m very angry at myself for literally fucking up what could have been the best pictures ever

[a-lil-perspective]

.

I wonder what it’s like to not be on edge every second of every day. To not feel nervous—God, I’m such a skittish thing—to feel at ease and not the sheer tension radiating through my body, fueling that fight-or-flight even if things around me seem relatively normal.

I wonder what it’s like to feel normal, to not be seized by crippling anxiety that everyone around me is so blissfully ignorant to. I’m practically screaming warning signs and they’re all so fucking stupid or they just don’t give a damn. And I’m not sure which is worse.

I guess that’s my fault for expecting people to be as emotionally astute as I am.

I wonder what it’s like to not feel maniacal, to have healthy thoughts. I wonder what it’s like to not remember every little thing I do or say, replay it in my mind over and over and over again until it makes me physically sick. I wonder what it’s like to not feel like everyone’s watching me, waiting for me to mess up.

The thought of messing up sends me into a panic, the kind where I can’t catch my breath and I think, “God, this is it, I’m so fucking stupid, I can’t do anything right, they’re gonna get rid of me”-

I’m sitting by myself sobbing, and I feel like all eyes are on me.

But at the same time, I feel complete and utterly alone. I’ve never felt more alone.

I wonder what it’s like to not work myself into a frenzy. I constantly have to talk myself down from the figurative ledge.

I wonder what it’s like to have friends, to not be isolated, to not be stuck with my own fucking thoughts for one minute. I wonder what it’s like to function—I can fake it so well. Scarily well. Everyone thinks I have my shit together. Nobody has me figured out—and I like it that way. I shouldn’t, but I do. There’s this part of me that craves it, the confusion—I get this morbid enjoyment from being an enigma to my family and peers.

That’s not normal.

Nobody knows me—nobody ever made it a point to. Nobody ever made me feel like I was important. And at some point, my brain stopped begging for someone to care and just embraced the fact that nobody ever will. When all I’ve ever wanted was to be known, a part of me says never. I’m simultaneously crushed and fueled by the fact that everyone thinks I’m aloof, severe, and generally lacking substance.

Which, I am.

I genuinely, from a place deeper than my soul, believe that I have nothing to offer anyone. I have no positive or redeeming qualities about myself. I really can’t name one. I have thoroughly convinced myself. That nobody would ever want someone like me. That I’ll never have companionship, or understanding, or healthy love. I feel like I’m not good at anything. I can’t articulate myself. I’m not smart. I’m not dexterous. If there’s a way to fuck something up, rest assured I’m to do it.

And so I make myself indispensable.

I tell myself if I bust my ass enough, work tirelessly and perfectly and without complaint, then, and only then, am I worth anything. I’m only “worthy” when I’m serving others. Any other time, my brain tells me I am nothing more than the dirt under people’s feet. And I believe it.

I tell myself I need to be on medication. Because I know I do. I feel like I do. Because this thought process is not normal. The blatant anxiety and depression is not normal.

I don’t know if meds could even help me at this point.

But I loathe myself so much that I could never bring myself to ask for help, because I just don’t care anymore, about what will happen to me. I’ll either power through it or I won’t. Like, I’m kind of just in “survival mode” at this point.

Come to think of out, I’ve been in survival mode for as long as I can remember. Thanks, childhood.

Honestly in my mind, all I can think about is that a professional will deem my problems “typical for my age” and thus not important—I’ve always had people make assumptions about me. Downplay me. Because I’m not important. I don’t matter.

And so I don’t matter to myself.

And people get mad at me, when I say that—they tell me I’m too “negative” and should “be kind to myself” or whatever.

You can’t blame me for never learning how to love myself.

I don’t know how to—nobody ever showed me or made me feel like I was worthy of love or that I was even a person with an identity. I grew up submissive and in constant search of purpose. I don’t know anything about myself outside of my mental disorders (which I’m only just now acknowledging I actually have). I don’t… I don’t know who I am.

It feels like an out of body experience. Like I’m just a wandering soul watching myself lose my shit from afar and it’s pathetic. People around me have lives and love and their qualities and I’m over here breaking down over everything I’m not. I lost my sense of identity—or maybe I never had one. And I just, I don’t know how to find it.

The idea of talking to a professional makes me spiral, sincerely. I can’t do it, it makes me so nervous, like, what the fuck am I literally supposed to say??? “Hey I’m malfunctioning and I should probably be locked away”???

Not to mention it makes me bitter—why would I waste my time and money on someone who (more than likely) sees me as nothing more than a paycheck stub?

Sorry. I’m very cynical I guess.

Distrustful, to say the least.

I hate spending my days like this. I’m constantly on the verge of a breakdown. At any given moment. From sun up to sun down. I literally wake up nervous. The only time I feel better is when I’m sleeping.

I’ve found out that sleeping is my brain’s way of protecting me. It’s a defense mechanism. Because it doesn’t know what else to do at this point.

When I break down, I go to sleep. Sometimes I just want to stay asleep.

[variousqueerthings]

Tom Hardy Movies rated least to most queer

I made a list of some Tom Hardy movies and I rated them based on my own, non-specific criteria about what makes a movie queer. Results below the cut.

(Some films not included, because I haven’t watched them yet, because Mr Hardy’s only in them for a few minutes, because the subject matter doesn’t lend itself to this list, or because I just don’t want’em here. TV series also not included. The list is organised into both groups and ratings, because I’m doing The Most.)

Movies are divided into four groups and rated from 0 – 10 on the Queer-Scale, scroll down to the bottom if you want the ratings without the commentary.

Disclaimer: This list is subjective. Don’t come at me because I didn’t rate Inception higher, Nolan himself is as queer as cargo shorts. 

1. This movie would make more sense if it were queer

If this movie were queer it… might not become a perfect film all of a sudden, but it’d make a hell of a lot more sense than what’s actually going on. With an occasional dose of “are the cis-straights okay?”

This Means War (2012): So Chris Pine and Tom Hardy are ostensibly both in love with Reese Witherspoon, but say “I love you” to each other pretty much constantly throughout the movie and their friendship is often presented as a domestic partnership. Cool, cool, cooool.

Queer Rating: 2 out of 10. This movie hate-crimed me by having Tom Hardy literally spell out his relationship with Chris Pine, only for the script to then have him say… “can you imagine all that… but with a woman…” Later on the movie explicitly denies polyamory is possible. Fuck this film.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012): Batman movies should always be queer. Mr. Hardy’s the only one who acceptably camps it up, despite Nolan’s best attempts to make him “acceptably gruff.” No matter what you do, Bane is a massive daddy in a mask and thanks to Mr Hardy’s honestly iconic fucking speech pattern in this film, it goes from pretty atrociously straight to just queer enough to imagine a future where Robert Pattinson plays batman and maybe adopts a bunch of kids.

(the only truly decent mask in this franchise tbh)

Queer Rating: 3 out of 10. Mr Hardy’s back is the one that’s actually broken carrying any semblance of fun in this overly long movie all on his own.

Lawless (2012): Wow, this really was the year of the not-queer-enough, wasn’t it? Look, it’s “based on a real story,” but it’s also a movie and movies don’t need to stick to the truth, and this one certainly doesn’t. Was the guy queer in real life? I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter, what matters is that it’s just kind of an eh movie and maybe being queer would add something to it. One of those “but why make someone queer? because it’s always more interesting to do so,” movies.

Queer Rating: 3 out of 10. It’s just not queer. But Tom Hardy wears cardigans and described his character as a “mother figure,” which adds an interesting dynamic to him.

2. Actually Queer but in a homophobic way

Tom Hardy plays a canonically queer character, yaaay. The whole movie contains a strange sense of the director being too not-queer to actually engage with that and everything around him is almost aggressively straight, noooo.

RocknRolla (2008): Honestly this movie has the funniest coming out scene ever + that familiar undertone of “all these manly men secretly want to fuck each other” is only heightened by one of them actually being gay and in love with his best friend. It’s such a fucking… it’s such a movie. Personally I find Mark Strong, Idris Elba, Thandie Newton, and, of course, Tom Hardy to be really hot in it, so that’s a plus. There’s a scene in which Strong’s character teaches another gangster how to do a proper backhand. It’s really gay of him. Also slow-dancing at a gay club. Butler’s character needs to get himself together, you really don’t think 2008 Tom Hardy is hot? Mate.

(left to right: functional queer, disaster queer, distinguished queer)

Queer Rating: 6 out of 10, for having an actual gay character who is played by Tom Hardy doing a sexy phonecall voice to another guy, but then there’s that feeling you can’t shake that the whole movie is vaguely uncomfortable about it, like a family member awkwardly patting you on the shoulder after they found out you were queer second-hand, but they’ve still got 50 years of bias to unlearn. Also Thandie Newton is killed, fuck that noise. 

Legend (2015): If I had a nickle for the amount of times Tom Hardy’s played a gay gangster, I’d have two nickles. Which isn’t a lot, but weird that it happened twice (looks at Peaky Blinders and thinks it ought to be three times). I’ve watched Legend three times and every time it just… loses me. And because this is a biased list, I’ll only specifically mention that it fails to make Ron’s queerness anything but a way for him to shock others. Gangsters could be gay? Gasp! On the upside Tom Hardy has so much sexual tension with everyone in this movie, including himself (why would you do that? Asks Ron, bemused. Because I can’t kill you, no matter how much I fucking want to, hisses a blood-soaked Reggie right into his ear. It’s hot).

Queer rating: 5 out of 10 because the film is just not very queer for a movie with several queer men in it.

3. Straight as a forced family dinner

It’s straight.

Locke (2013): He’s a married man who had an affair and trying to deal with the fallout of it. This isn’t a spoiler for most of the movie, it’s a pretty neat movie where we look at Tom Hardy having a bit of a mental breakdown and taking lots of phonecalls (my personal hell). Is it queer? Not in the slightest.

Queer Rating: 2 out of 10 for Hardy’s face being in almost every shot.

The Revenant (2015): Yeah, yeah, DeCaprio’s and Hardy’s characters are obsessed with each other, yeah it’s a man’s world where the only women are dead wife, kidnapped sexually assaulted native princess, or background whore, yeah, they fight each other and there’s a ton of grunting, but also… I just fucking don’t like this movie. The thin line where a storyline like this one becomes queer might be crossed for others, but not for me. Fuck these guys and their stupid  bear fights.

Queer rating: 3 out of 10 for it being about dirty men in the middle of nowhere (but you could just watch Brokeback Mountain or The Lighthouse or God’s Own Country or any Mad Max, or, or, or…)

4. Queer? Queer. Queer? … Queer…

The plots, aesthetics and/or characters played by Tom Hardy lend themselves to a queer reading, even if there is no overt intention towards queerness. Often this is because of a deliberate lack of heterosexual and/or cisgender writing, which in this day and age is still pretty uncommon not to include within a plot.

Inception (2010): Okay, I don’t even need to write about the added “darling,” or the “go to sleep Mr Eames.” I don’t need to go on about the absolutely bonkers amount of fanfiction written for Eames and Arthur, based on a few minutes of film and a boatload of chemistry. It’s queer.

Queer Rating: 7 out of 10, because the actual plot of the film isn’t very queer, but between the Arthur/Eames dynamic and Elliot Page, Nolan was really given a gift he didn’t deserve.

Warrior (2011): Okay, so first off, this might be my favourite Tom Hardy film, at least some part of my brain is fixated on it at almost all times and I’m considering watching it for the third time in two weeks. I don’t only consider it queer based on Mr. Hardy’s character, although he has no romantic or sexual interest and could be read as aroace, but because of the themes, especially those surrounding said character, who is coded as a caregiver to women and through close emotional connections to men. It’s got possibly unintentional deconstructions of masculinity and two men (brothers) who need to forgive each other and can only do so through the catharsis of violence. It speaks to me as a transmasc with several cis brothers, struggling with my own masculinity. It’s not at all written for me, but I find myself all over it. I could talk about this movie forever.

Queer Rating: 8 out of 10. I’m not allowed to say any more or I’ll never stop writing about it. I love you Tommy…

The Drop (2014): Bob’s lack of sexual and/or romantic interest in Naomi is so strange to her that she doesn’t know what he would want from her otherwise. Bob really just wants to raise a dog with her (and also forgiveness for past sins). Bob is such a rare ace and possibly aro coded character, it really throws me every time I watch this film how obvious it is. Bonus points for also being autistic-coded and not in the stereotypical ways.

(Tom Hardy’s most challenging role: pretending he doesn’t know dogs)

Queer Rating: 9 out of 10 because it’s so fucking rare to see ace and aro coded characters that aren’t, you know…. serial killers. Also Tom Hardy adopts a puppy and has a very cute, kinda lispy voice. How often does Tom Hardy play softer men like this?

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015): Very deliberately no sexual or romantic writing included in Max’s and Furiosa’s relationship. Sure, there’s not a lot of time for that in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, but it was also done with a purpose! “It was always going to be two warriors on par, starting off with very little respect for each other and ending up with a massive respect for each other.” - Charlize Theron. “So of course they meet, of course there’s a relationship, an unspoken understanding. A recognition.” - Tom Hardy.

Queer Rating: 9 out of 10. It’s not just the characters, but the world and it’s apocalyptic BDSM leather scene, the questions it asks about sustainability and about people as tools, and the found family. It’s about overcoming violence through multiple kinds of love. And it’s about watching a guy playing flame-thrower guitar. What could be queerer?

Venom (2018): Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same… No, but Eddie is queer. The only question is whether the sequel will acknowledge that aspect or not, but even if not. Even if it manages to straightly bypass the reality of a symbiotic relationship with a genderless? genderfluid? being from another world that is linked to you down to your very cells and understands you more intimately than any other person possibly could… even if all that: Eddie is queer. Venom and Eddie are in a relationship. Any relationship Eddie ever enters into will automatically become a thrupple. He makes out with Venom in the movie! Eddie is queer.

(aw yeah that tongue is going down his throat)

Queer Rating: 9.5 out of 10, because it’s still coded by the creators in the language of bromance (hey, bro, is it gay if we’re physically and emotionally closer than any other people on earth?), but the movie is so, so camp and Mr Hardy’s acting choices are beautiful – the screaming? The lispy soft voice and lack of taking up space? The lobster tank? The only people who don’t know how queer this is are the people making it apparently. Fingers crossed for that sequel!

Hon. mentions:

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002): Star Trek – even at it’s worst (especially at its worst?) – is camp af + Hardy is a straight-up baby in this film.

Bronson (2008): It’s about a real person who’s still alive, so I won’t comment on the actual man. However the film seems to code the character Bronson along an ace line and also has genderqueering Vaudeville. Someone let Tom Hardy do more of whatever was going on in those stage-bits.

(this right here: this the good shit)

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011): Another ensemble piece not massively about Hardy’s character, but it’s a movie that centers around queerness in a strange, depressing way. Tom Hardy’s character isn’t queer. Colin Firth and Mark Strong are though. The book makes me cry.

Peaky Blinders (2013-): Because it’s a TV series I left it out. There’s a lot of straight nonsense going on there, but Alfie Solomens is gay. There’s nothing in the series that disputes that and plenty that lends itself to the reading.

Dunkirk (2017): Tom Hardy plays an RAF pilot in a deep emotional connection with the other main RAF pilot. That’s immediately gay. However he’s not in the movie much because of the way it’s constructed, so I left it off.

Queer Ratings (least to most)

No queer to be found here traveller:

This Means War: 2 out of 10 - illegal movie, Tom Hardy swore he wouldn’t do another rom-com after

Locke: 2 out of 10 - straight Welshman and his straight problems. He pretty though

Lawless: 3 out of 10 - cardigan-Hardy being a mother-hen, but very straight for all that

The Dark Knight Rises: 3 out of 10 - a superhero movie that doesn’t deserve Mr Hardy’s camp talents (unlike Venom)

The Revenant: 3 out of 10 - doesn’t give me what I want out of a movie full of dirty, bearded men

Queer but we deserve more:

Legend: 5 out of 10 - timid homosexuality, considering the source material. 

RocknRolla: 6 out of 10 - hey bro, is it gay if we kill the only female lead in our massive ensemble cast

The queerest of Hardy’s:

Inception: 7 out of 10 - Elliot Page and JGL kissing was an all-around terrible choice that made no sense, we know the truth, Nolan

Warrior: 8 out of 10 - I’m still crying, Edgerton’s crying, Hardy’s crying, we’re all crying, and I think that’s really emotionally healthy and queer of us

Mad Max: Fury Road: 9 out of 10 - non-romantic love in the time of BDSM post-apocalyptic wastelands is something that can actually be so personal

The Drop: 9 out of 10 - “Fucking punk. Go out to dinner dressed like you're still in you living room! You wear those big hippity-hoppity clown shoes! You speak to women terribly! You treat them despicably! You hurt harmless dogs that can't defend themselves! I'm tired of you man. I'm tired of you. You embarrass me!”

Venom: 9.5 out of 10 - Sometimes a relationship is an anxious reporter, the sentient goo inhabiting his body, his kinda-ex-girlfriend and her new doctor boyfriend, and I think that’s beautiful

#tom hardy #mad max: fury road #venom 2018 #inception #rocknrolla #warrior 2011 #legend 2015 #the drop 2014 #the revenant #the dark knight rises #lawless 2012 #locke #this means war

[blush-and-books]

the second part to this drabble i published a week ago - but now, we get Julie's pov!

--

Julie didn't know much about the world -- the fact that she was in a ghost band after three hotdog eaters popped into her garage on a random night was proof enough of that.

But she knew that she loved Luke Patterson.

Honestly, how could she not?

All that he had to do was kiss the temple of her head when she was having a creatively-challenged moment during a songwriting session, and he had her in the palm of his hand.

And she thought he knew that.

She needed, desperately, for him to know. So she really tried to send the message. Saying "I love you" in their sweetest moments, kissing him goodbye, firmly running her thumb through the wrinkles in his forehead to smooth them out.

"I don't have to actually worry about lines forming," he mumbled one day, his tone sour.

Julie pushed through the ripples once again with a hum. "I know. I just don't like seeing you all grouchy."

He seems to frown even more at that. He's been doing it a little more lately.

It felt as though after she invited him to come and spend the night in her room, when she held him like her favorite teddy bear and relaxed against him in her slumber, that he started to change his behavior. At first, he would indulge in her initiation of kisses and reciprocated her "I love you's" at every chance he had. While there was no label on what they were or weren't...

Julie was happy. She thought Luke was happy.

But maybe she was just a form of entertainment until he got out of the limbo he was in.

Every time she told him she loved him, he nearly winced. Their touches, if any, would be small and brief. The eyes that Julie once perceived to be bright and genuine were now stony and distant whenever she made an attempt at affection towards him.

Flynn might have been right. Julie shouldn't waste her time on a dead guy when there were living people who are great.

But whenever she considered it, her heart, already cracked down the middle, pulled apart a little more.

She didn't want someone else. She wanted Luke. But he didn't seem to want her.

"Did you ever love me?"

They're alone in the studio, and Julie keeps trying to shift closer to him on the piano bench but the light from behind them accentuates the shadow of his clenched jaw whenever she attempts it. At this point, Julie doesn't know what to do - his rejection makes her feel like her brain needs to stop and take deep breaths, but then her actual breathing shallows, and she just doesn't know how to handle it.

So she asks.

He doesn't even ask what she means; just looks at her with deeply knitted confusion. She continues.

"Because- I don't know what I did, what I did to- To ruin this, whatever it was, but..." Her throat hurts to say it. "Did you ever actually love me? Like you said?"

The lines on his forehead get bolder, and she feels her hand twitch to smooth them out.

"You really need me to say it?"

She's not going to cry.

She's not going to cry.

But the sharp tone in his voice strikes a nerve, and she feels the burning against her irises.

"Say what? That you never loved me at all?"

"That I loved you, but I know you've just been pitying me the whole time!" His volume raises, and his words knock the air from her lungs. While she's in shock, he continues. "Do I really need to embarrass myself and admit that I love you, more than anything, and have just been letting you act like you love me back because I know it's all I'll ever get?"

Julie can hardly believe what she's hearing.

There's no way that Luke, her Luke, her Luke who she's held underneath the warmth of blankets and kissed on the cheek when he told her she was beautiful, thought that she didn't love him back.

That she viewed him as a dead charity case.

Her voice trembles as she says the only thing that comes to mind:

"... What?"

Luke sighs in frustration.

"Luke, wait-" He pushes up from the piano bench, and the air around Julie rushes in cold. "That's what you think of me? That I'm doing you a favor out of pity?"

"You make people happy, Julie. It's what you do. You can't help it."

She hates the way her vision blurs, because she knows she's about to cry, and she doesn't want to but her heart is breaking. Her heart is breaking for Luke.

"You really never believed it?" The corners of her lips flinch downwards into a teasingly severe frown. "Every time I told you, when it was all I could think of saying because I loved you so much... You never thought it was real?"

For the first time, Luke looks at her. Really, really looks at her. Sees her red eyes. Her damp face.

And he looks crushed.

"Getting my hopes up would have ended in me being heartbroken."

"But it wouldn't have!" She demands, her volume increasing to match his snap earlier. "Because I love you!"

At last, Julie thinks that she can see the words sink in. His pupils dialate and his jaw relaxes, and he's slowly wandering back to the bench where she sits with tear streaks on her cheeks.

"Please don't cry, Julie."

While she sniffs, he takes a deep breath.

"I'm sorry," he says next, and eases onto the edge of the seat, still far from her. "I'm so, so sorry. Please, Julie, I love you too, I- I'm sorry."

Her heart skips a beat when he says it, because it finally feels real. She thought it was real and raw the other times, but after all of this - she wonders if this is really them saying it, truly, for the first time.

"I need you to believe me when I say I love you, Luke," she insists, because she can't go through another cycle of him distancing himself. "I know you have all of this shit in your head because of how crazy our relationship is, and all of these doubts that are clearly fucking with you, but- But I really, really want you to know I love you."

A shaking sigh seems to drain from his entire body as his shoulders sag and eyes glisten against the shadow cast by the sun over his face.

"I know that now," he murmurs, a small smile adorning his face. "It's the greatest thing I've ever felt."

Julie is curious if Luke is hesitant to touch her now, to hold her, after sending her through a near-panic attack and trying to cope with the new discovery that nothing between them was ever a part of a pity-arrangement. She doesn't want to make the first move, seeing as how she sparked this entire half-conversation, half-mental breakdown; but she's sure to scoot herself to the right.

Just enough for him to notice.

And the second he does, he pulls her into his arms. It quickly morphs from a hug to one large bodily fold - Julie is completely wrapped around him, legs and arms and fingers, and his palms are pressing into every inch of skin that they can reach in order to keep her closer.

"You are the greatest thing I've ever felt," he whispers into her hair, and an easy smile grows on her face.

After that, things return to their natural order. Kisses are shared with crumpled clothing and flushed cheeks during moments alone on the couch in the studio, and Julie's bed that has always been big enough for two finally has a second occupant.

They tell each other that they love each other every time one of them has to leave the room, whether it's for six minutes or six hours.

But it never gets old. And Julie thinks that it's reassuring for the both of them to hear.

#finally the second part so yall can quit hating me lmao #jkjk #just felt like pumping this out despite my mountain of wips waiting for me #jatp #juke #jatp drabble #juke drabbles #julie and the phantoms #luke patterson

[transsexualhamlet]

alright it’s time for as requested part two of rowan reads the original sherlock holmes and compares it to yuumori

i finished a study in scarlet and holy shit was yuumori accurate to it

obviously they changed the case so that... well, moriarty was involved, and they didn’t go into detail on why drebber was an a-grade piece of shit (lol i wasn’t expecting the mormons but it was a great perspective actually doyle went big brain time on that one lmao) 

Hmmm i mean the other main difference is that Watson Is Gayer In The Original but yeah obviously that’s for a reason and the reason is william james moriarty

I have some highlights of “oh my god I need to see yuumori sherlock do this right now because he Absolutely Would” and they’re WILD

So yuh here are your Sherlock Moments

-when watson asks stamford why he might not want to board with sherlock bestie went “he’s a little queer” and watson was basically like “i like that in a man :)” like i am Fully Aware that’s not what queer meant back then but it’s FUNNY alright

-stamford is also like “yeah i mean he’s the kind of guy who would probably perform human experiments on his friends without telling them”

-watson walks into sherlock’s lab like hello new roommate :) and the dude immediately starts SCREAMING

-he’s all I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT LOOK and fucking stabs himself and drips the blood in a container, yeah yeah it makes a reaction and he’s like I AM GOING TO SOLVE ALL CRIMES EVER ACTUALLY wait who are you

-SHERLOCK THEN PROCEEDS TO SEAL UP THE CUT WITH P L A S T E R AND THEN HANDLE POISONOUS CHEMICALS WITH HIS BARE, INJURED HANDS

-watson moves in with this dude and is like “oh wow im really interested in this guy but im Polite so i cannot ask him anything” so he starts snooping around trying to figure out what sherlock does for a living?????? like he couldn’t just fucking ask???? and he’s like wow he has these clients and he kicks me out of the house every time they come over i Really Don’t Want To Think He’s Fucking Them

-obviously, and to watson’s embarassment, he wasn’t. sherlock is a virgin and it is very clear

-watson describes sherlock in the most homoerotic way possible i don’t even know how to describe it bestie goes on about his hands for a full paragraph it’s really gay man

-WATSON IS SO POLITE ABOUT IT ITS ACTUALLY HILARIOUS ISTG HES LIKE I AM KIND OF SERIOUSLY OBSESSED WITH THIS DUDE BUT I COULDN’T POSSIBLY JUST ASK HIM ANYTHING OR LIKE TRY TO GET CLOSER TO HIM I WILL SIMPLY WRITE LISTS ABOUT HIM AND DIAGNOSE HIM WITH AUTISM

-he’s also like “i don’t know i really think hes on drugs i would say he’s on drugs but also he’s like this all the time and he might just be mentally ill” lo and behold it was both

-SHERLOCK GOES TO BED AT TEN PM AND GETS UP AT 4 AM EVERY DAY WITHOUT FAIL

-m o t h e r f u c k e r  d o e s  n o t  k n o w  w h a t  t h e  s o l a r  s y s t e m  i s

-and when asked why he doesn’t know! he’s like my dear watson! i simply cannot be bothered! my brain is filled up with more important things! 

-watson compares him to some fictional detective that edgar allan poe made up and sherlock is like HIM OH MY GOD DO NOT COMPARE ME TO THAT MOTHERFUCKER I AM BETTER THAN THAT

-it’s honestly really cute watson apparently will sit and listen to him play the violin and like request pieces and stuff and yeah sherlock can play those fine

-but most of the time if he picks it up on his own sherlock will just start plucking it with his fucking hands while slouching in a chair and sitting like L Death Note and playing random notes that Vibe 

-watson HATES it

-watson once picks up this paper sherlock has lying around about yknow. deduction and all that and how you find things out and watson is like “this is Bullshit who wrote this what the fuck this is the most unrealistic thing i’ve ever read” and then sherlock is like I Wrote It Shawty and watson is like. um. oh haha i take back everything

-MAN I JUST GOTTA POINT OUT I AM A TEENAGE BOY AND I COULD NOT STAY SERIOUS WHEN DOYLE THOUGHT “EJACULATED” WAS A GOOD WORD TO PUT IN PLACE OF SAID

-lol he was like “ahahahhaa my deductions” and watson was like “but How Did You Do It” and he’s like “I WANT TO LOOK COOL WATSON DONT MAKE ME RUIN IT BY EXPLAINING”

-GHHHHHHHHHH BESTIES when sherlock was Infodumping to watson About Crimes watson was like “oh my god that’s so cool bestie!” like Once and watson described it like “i was complimenting him like he was a girl and i called him beautiful and he blushed” LIKE DUDE THATS GAY

-that one time sherlock yelled “THE PLOT THICKENS” and lestrade was like “i t  w a s  t h i c k  e n o u g h  a l r e a d y”

-dude thinks he’s wrong ONCE and has a mental breakdown in front of the entirety of scotland yard before like five seconds later realizing that he was not, in fact, wrong

I’d say that the main difference between him and yuumori sherlock is that og sherlock has a massive fucking ego and yuumori sherlock is very loud but has no ego at all. Og sherlock will brag about how smart he is to anyone who will fucking listen. Yuumori sherlock will only boast abt his intelligence around Moriarty because he knows they’re both mindfucking

Other than that... I honestly cannot come up with significant differences between them. You can really tell how similar they are especially with the sign of mary episode- dude was just like >:((((( the entire day because watson has a fiance and then he walks in on a dead body and goes now hERES SOME FUN

He’s very accurately and enthusiastically portrayed, as far as I can tell, and I think that’s really epic. I love him. I might kin og sherlock too guys ngl

#rowan screams into the void #rowan views moriarty #moriarty the patriot #sherlock holmes ????? #yeah #sherlock holmes #yuukoku no moriarty

[annastarringtonblogs]

Mental Breakdown Next Door

Hi everyone!

I’m Anna, aka Mental Breakdown Next Door. My friend Chris asked me how I managed to come up with that name, and the truth is I have no clue. I was fucking around in the home office one day, on the verge of a mental breakdown, and I told my fiance “Oh-Don’t worry about me, it’s just the mental breakdown next door.” I fell in love. Thank you brain for thinking of such nonsense. You did good kid. 

Anyways, I’m Anna, I’m 26 years old. I’m obsessed with cats. I have 2, I would honestly adopt 82 more, if my apartment and fiance allowed me to. I used to have this dream of owning a cat farm. Like I would collect all the cats and protect and feed all of them. So, like obviously not a farm, more like a sanctuary, but I was 11 years old, I didn’t know these things. 

My cats names are Pumpkin Simba and Stella Smelly Belly Luna. Listen, I understand the names are a lot. When we adopted Pumpkin, his name was originally Solo. Like what the fuck is that. I think it’s Star Wars shit. I kept calling him Simba though. I don’t know, he looks like a Simba. Stella was the smelliest little cat I had ever seen, and I instantly fell in love with her. She was scruffy and smelled like hay all over her belly. We fostered her at first and when we decided to adopt her, we said we were going to rename her Luna, but Stella just made sense for her. Here are some photos for your viewing pleasure. 

Also, I am obsessed with the Sims 4. Listen, I know the Sims is a damn mess, but it’s the kind of chaos that I crave. My fiance introduced me to the Sims at the beginning of the pandemic. Since then I have been at peak mental state to start and never finish many legacy challenges. 

Okay, now I want to talk about my fiance, Megan. I love her. Obviously. She is the most incredible human I have ever met. She is goofy, smart, and so incredibly patient with me. She has pretty severe ADHD, I love exploring her ADHD adventures with her, just as much as she loves exploring my crazy ass mental health. Here’s a super cute photo of us being in love. PSA this is a safe zone for all LGBTQ+ people, and I won’t tolerate hate of any kind. Thanks. 

If you’ve made it this far, that’s pretty cool, and thank you! So, what is the real reason I’m starting this blog? Other than rambling about my feelings, its to talk about mental health and to kinda piece together my life. I’m currently a Graduate student studying Media Marketing and Communications and we focus a lot on branding ourselves. But like who am I? I’ve decided that’s kind of my brand...I don’t know what I’m doing and that okay. I’m not going to go too deep in this post, but I’m working on becoming authentic to myself. I grew up in a pretty controlling and judgemental environment where it felt impossible to be who I really was. I always felt like I was too goofy, weird, and different. That I never truly fit in anywhere. These feelings were really formative to me growing up, and really affected my mental health journey. I’ve struggled with anxiety, depression, chaotic behavior and dissociative episodes. Through this blog, I want to talk about everyday life, as minute the problem may be, and discuss mental health in a positive light. Having mental health issues does not mean I’m a fuck up, it merely means life is hard and has fucked me up. We need more visibility on these issues and I’m hoping to have an open forum. Please talk to me about your experiences, and I will talk to you about mine. 

Thank you for listening to me, more to come! 

#mental health #lgbtq #blogger #lgbtqblogger #mentalbreakdownnextdoor #female content creator #text #blog #this is annas fiance in the tags hello... kitty cat go meow

[radiorenjun]

 I Don't Need It

• Pairing: Na Jaemin x Reader

• Genre: Angst, Comedy, Fluff

• Na Jaemin despised the idea of soulmates, he wanted to fight against fate for choosing his soulmate for him. Even if it means his stubborn childhood best friend wouldn't stop trying to make him accept about the similar tattoos on their wrists.

• Warnings: mental breakdowns, heartbreak, mentions of blood, science (ew), mentions of death, major angst, arguments, flashbacks, physical injuries, fighting.

• Wordcount : 9.4 k

• Masterlist here!

• Chapters: IX, X

• Song rec of the chapter : Start Over Again - New Hope Club

“Shit, I didn’t think it would be this bad.” Hyuck exclaimed as they finally managed to drag Jaemin out of the arcade. “Why was his wrist glowing like that?!” Chenle exclaimed as Jaemin gripped his wrist tightly, trying to make the burning sensation subside. “Idiot, didn’t you pay attention to Science class?” Hyuck replied as they watched Jeno (who had ran off to the nearest  run towards them with a small packet of ice cream mochi in his hand.

“This was the only thing nearby, put this on.” Jeno handed Jaemin the cold packet, who thanked him softly and carefully placed the packet on the burning skin. “What’s happening to him?” Jisung asked, looking at his seniors as Jaemin leaned his back against the wall, slumping against it with a heavy sigh, trying to ignore the searing pain.

“I’m fine, really. It’s just a little wrist pain. It’ll go away sooner or later. I-” Jaemin muttered under his breath before Jeno cuts him off with a strict tone. “Shut up, Jaemin. You’re not okay,” he spoke sternly before running a hand through his hair in distress. “Hyung, what’s going on?” Jisung asked, in a more serious tone, truly concerned for their dear friend.

“It’s his tattoo. It’s burning his blood.” Hyuck explained, his usual teasing tone was now replaced with a serious one. His eyes staring straight at the glowing red skin as the younger boys stared at him in shock, Jaemin’s head shot up in surprise, eyes wide to see if Hyuck was messing him or not. “Hyuck, that’s not funny.” Jaemin let out a strained laugh, letting out a sharp hiss when Jeno pressed the cold pack harder onto his skin. “It’s not a joke, Jaems.” Jeno scolded softly.

“How is that even possible?” Chenle asked, baffled. Jeno rolled his eyes as he released his tight grip on Jaemin’s wrist, causing the younger boy to glare at him, pressing the ice pack against his wrist gently. “Guess someone never payed attention to Science class,” Hyuck muttered under his breath, receiving a punch on the shoulder from Jisung. “Get to the point, hyung.” he frowned.

“From what I remembered, that tattoo is connected to your emotions. It’s like the old red string soulmate theory. It’s the only thing that connects you with your soulmate. if you found your soulmate but they reject you or hurt you in any shape or form, the brain registers emotional pain of heartbreak in the same way as physical pain.” Jeno explains briefly, as Jaemin’s eyes widened at the new information. How come he’s never heard of this before?

“When the tattoo appears, it turns into some kind of blood vessel that connects to the emotional part of your body. And when you experience some form of heartbreak that’s caused by your soulmate, the tattoo somehow produces bacteria that burns your blood on your left wrist, hence the bright glow.” Jeno adds on, sighing, a hand going back to scratch the back of his neck. Hyuck nodded, “I knew this because Jeno gave me his science notes when we had that science test,” Hyuck exclaimed, putting a hand on Jeno’s shoulder who gave him a deadpanned look.

“There are some cases that the pains were so bad that they had to be removed.” Hyuck added on. “And let me tell you, it’s not a fun process to do so. It’s pretty rare, but they say if you’re not careful, removing it might mentally break them.” Hyuck unconsciously rubbed his own wrist, wincing at the mere thought of getting a part of his skin peeled off.

“So all this time. All the chest pains, all the wrist pains I’ve been enduring, was because I was feeling emotionally hurt by my own soulmate?” Jaemin asked in a rather hesitant tone, his pupils filled with disbelief. “Not hurt, per say. More like jealousy.” Hyuck concluded with soft shrug. “Jealousy?” Jaemin gaped, his mouth opened in disbelief. He didn’t know what to say. Or if he could say anything at all. It was all too much to take in.

“Yep. I don’t know if you noticed, but every time you see Renjun and Y/N together these days, you often glare at them as if you were going to have lasers shooting out of your eyeballs into Renjun’s skull.” Jisung joked, a small smile appearing on his face, trying to ease the awkward tension around them. “You need to seriously stop lying to yourself. If the world set you up together, you’re bound to develop feelings whether you like it or not, that’s how this fucked up soulmate system works.” Hyuck groaned in annoyance.

“You’re more stubborn than Jeno when his mom told him to not get a cat because he’s allergic to fur.” Jisung nodded in agreement. Jeno turned his head to the younger boy, letting out a soft, “what?” 

“Very funny, you two.” Jaemin rolled his eyes.

“Honestly, hyung, this wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t so stubborn bout going against fate.” Chenle huffed, leaning his arm against Jaemin’s left shoulder, looking at the older boy with sympathy in his eyes. “Wait, does this mean,” Jaemin paused as his mind drifted back to you, his brows furrowed in confusion and a slight tint of horror.

“All this time, y/n felt this excruciating sensation for two whole years?” Jaemin gulped. By the way Jisung and Chenle gazed at their older friends curiously, he assumed they didn’t know any of this. A part of him didn’t want to talk bout this in front of them. Yet, another part of him was too curious yet nervous to find out the answer, for his friends’ reactions had said it all. The two boys looked away sadly, bowing their heads to avoid eye contact with their best friend. Jaemin felt his heart drop into his stomach, your innocent smile flashing through his mind, causing his guilt to fill him up even more.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jaemin asked, guilt filling his veins like a running tap filling up a jug with water.

“We wanted to. At first, we thought you knew. That’s why we were rather hesitant when talking to you since that day,” Hyuck exclaimed with an exhausted sigh, biting his lip nervously, referring to your birthday. “Then when you said you almost failed science back then because you didn’t bother reading the notes we shared, we were about to tell you,” Jeno continued hesitantly, his own eyes filled with guilt, remembering how Jaemin hated the ideas of soulmates so much, he didn’t even want to listen to the teachers explanations when it comes to the soulmate system that he purposely didn’t study for the soulmate part of the topic for the test.

“But then,” Hyuck cut him off.

2 years ago

“Dude, you barely passed Science, what’s up with that?” Jeno gaped, seeing Jaemin’s low score displayed on the pin board their school had set up beside every entrance to each class for event posters and test scores. Jaemin shrugged nonchalantly, his eyes filled with disinterest. “This was like the easiest topic of the whole semester, how in hell did you get a 72?” Hyuck exclaimed in disbelief.

“I didn’t bother to study with this one,” Jaemin shrugged, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Dude, it’s about the soulmate system. The only interesting topic in the whole school year, it’s all basic knowledge.” Hyuck deadpanned, nudging Jaemin’s arm with his elbow. Jaemin rolled his eyes, groaning in annoyance. “So? I don’t want to know shit bout that lousy system.” Jaemin replied with pursed lips.

“Shit, man. That’s kind of mean. I bet you didn’t even know that if you hurt your soulmate you’ll-” 

“Haechan! Jeno!” 

The three boys turned to see you smiling widely at them, though the smile didn’t reach your eyes. You quickly jogged up to the two boys, grabbing the, by the elbows in each hand, gripping onto them tightly. “Hey Nana!” you greeted, giving your soulmate a loving smile who just sent you a small friendly smile and a small wave. “Sorry, do you mind if I borrow your friends for a bit? I got something to say to them,” you giggled nervously, tugging them backwards to say it’s urgent so that Jaemin couldn’t catch on.

“Where did you come from?” Jeno asked, raising a brow at you. You frowned slightly, “through the wall.” You replied in a sarcastic tone, causing Hyuck to let out a soft chuckle. “It’s really urgent. I really need to talk to you guys,” you spoke seriously, tugging them back as Jaemin raised his brow at you suspiciously. “What’s so urgent that you got to take my friends away from me, huh?” Jaemin teased, causing you to let out a soft laugh.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” you winked, giggling. “But we have class in less than-” Jeno was immediately cut off by your desperate tone as you tugged them back quite roughly. “It’ll just take a second!” you said nervously, eyes pleading at them to go with the flow. Hyuck and Jeno shared perplexed looks before letting you tug them away from Jaemin.

“See you in Chemistry, Jaemin!” Jeno waved at his friend, who waved back with a soft smile before turning to the other direction to get to his locker. You pulled Hyuck and Jeno around the corner, looking back to see if you were far enough from Jaemin. “What’s up with you Y/N? You look like my little sister when she told her teacher that I ate her homework.” Hyuck asked in a concerned tone.

Your smile from before dissipated into a rather exhausted expression, sighing as you leaned back against some random student’s locker. “You guys have to promise me to not talk to Jaemin anything related to the soulmate system.” you frowned, eyes boring onto theirs seriously. Jeno frowned, confused. “Okay. Why though?” he asked questioningly.

You looked back, making sure Jaemin was nowhere to be seen before hesitantly speaking. “He doesn’t know anything bout the soulmate system. Like, literally nothing.” you started, rubbing the back of your neck in distress, letting out a pained sigh. “He’s been that way ever since we were kids, you know that, Jeno. And it’s best if we keep it that way,” you explained.

“Y/n, no. You know full well what’s going to happen. You’re gonna get hurt, like physically hurt, y/n. We need to tell him,” Jeno shook his head, refusing boldly with Hyuck nodding in agreement. You sighed, smiling softly. “I knew you were going to say that. But really, I’m going to be fine. It’s nothing I can’t handle.” you waved it off with a light smile.

Hyuck and Jeno gave you uncertain looks. “I’m serious.” you huffed with a slight pout, “I appreciate you two caring bout my well being but I’m really going to be okay. Trust me,” you held up two crossed fingers from your left hand, grinning sheepishly. Hyuck and Jeno eyed the sore mark around the tattoo on your wrist, identical to Jaemin’s which was red as if it had been gripped tightly by someone. 

“Y/n, you’re gonna get even more hurt. You need to tell Jaemin, what if he stops being stubborn if you just tell him?” Hyuck tried to reason, feeling his own wrist sting by the sight of yours, wondering how painful it could be to feel such an awful sensation. You let out a soft shrug, “I don’t want to see him sad like that. I am his soulmate after all, soulmates are suppose to keep each other happy.” you smiled, though Jeno and Hyuck could see the sadness through your pupils.

“What’s the point in that? You’re just gonna keep him in the dark so he can be happy while you suffer in pain every day? That isn’t fair, y/n. It isn’t fair to you nor to Jaemin,” Jeno furrowed his brows, feeling frustrated with his stubborn friend. Why couldn’t he just get over the whole ‘I’m going against fate because this whole soulmate system sucks’ bullshit?

You gigged softly, looking down at the sore mark around your tattoo, caressing the balloon doodle with your thumb. “You two don’t fully understand. I want him to love me, but I don’t want him to love me just because he’s forced to.” you sighed, taking your two friends aback slightly. “Maybe one day-” you shook your head profusely, trying to shake the negativity out of your head.

“No, I know one day, he’ll love me back the way I love him. I just need to be patient with his stubborn ass. I’ll never stop trying until that happens. And when that happens, maybe none of us will be sad anymore.” the sad yet hopeful smile you plastered across your lips was enough to break Jeno and Hyuck’s heart. They wished you and Jaemin could have an easier plot to your story, wishing that you wouldn’t have to go through such a painful process just to make your soulmate happy. But love makes you do crazy things, and they knew they should respect your decision.

“How are you so sure? It’s been months, y/n.” Jeno asked rather hesitantly. But he needed an answer why you couldn’t just tell him. Hyuck nodded, he couldn’t find the courage to speak. Hell, Hyuck didn’t even know what to say to you, not when you were looking at him as if you were clinging on to your last hope of life. You gave him those sad smiles you only see in movies when a main character knows they’re in for a long painful ride through life.

“I’m actually not.” you replied shortly, putting your hands into the pockets of your jacket, “But this is what love does to me. It makes me feel as if I gave up on this, I’m going to have the whole world turned upside down. I guess I’m just that whipped.” you shrugged simply, kicking a crumpled ball of paper someone dropped earlier. “Love? What is love, really?” Hyuck asked in a rather bitter tone, recalling the hurt expressions you would always have whenever Jaemin wasn’t looking.

You paused to think bout it for a moment before looking at the two boys with a knowing look, “I don’t know myself. But it feels amazing to be in love, I want it to last as long as possible. Even if it might not work out for me in the end, I just want to at least cherish it while I can,” you grinned, giving them enthusiastic jazz hands.

“So, can you promise me that you’ll both keep this between the three of us?” 

“So you both actually kept it from me all these years?” Jaemin exclaimed, feeling anger overwhelm his whole body. Hyuck’s head shot up, “she looked tired enough, we couldn’t say no, you asshole!” he shot back defensively, jaw clenching tightly. “Telling you would be like taking her last bit of hope, she didn’t want to burden you with the thought, so she kept it to herself, you ungrateful douchebag!” he spat, his face red with anger as he stared back at his friend in disbelief.

“Oh, so you decided to let her suffer internally so I can feel like shit about it later on? Sure, Donghyuck!” Jaemin shot back, pulling the frozen pack to clench his fists by his sides. “Oh, so it’s y/n’s fault now, is it? That’s what you’re implying?!” Hyuck growled, letting out a groan of annoyance at his best friend’s stubborn self.

“You ass, you really can’t see how fucking stupid you’re being? She’s your fucking soulmate, for fucks sakes! Get your head out of your ass and wake up, if you just showed a bit of interest with the whole soulmate system then this wouldn’t have happened in the first place!” 

At this point, things were getting a bit too intense for the two boys, Jisung had to step forward and grip his senior’s shoulder, in case Hyuck tried to do something to Jaemin. “Shut up, Hyuck. You don’t even know what you’re talking about! You’re just one of those people who follows this fucked up soulmate system, you just don’t get it!” Jaemin took a step forward towards the older boy, jaw clenched tightly in anger.

“Yeah, sure, if this system is so fucked up, then what bout you, huh? What about you, Na Jaemin?” 

“What about me?”

“If this whole system is fucked up, like you say it is. Then what about you? Don’t you think it’s fucked up that you keep hurting your own childhood best friend for your own selfish purposes, you prick?”

“Hyung, I think thats-” Jisung attempted to coax Hyuck to stop before he did some permanent damage to their whole friendship, only for the older boy to shrug his hand away with a harsh scowl on his lips. “Shut up, Jisung. I’ve had it with this bullshit, it’s time he opens his fucking eyes and stop acting like a fucking brat.” Hyuck spat back at the younger, causing the poor boy to sigh in defeat.

“What the fuck is that suppose to mean?” Jaemin felt his heart ache, not in the way whenever he would see you or Renjun. It was a different kind of ache, it felt as if tiny sharp objects were slowly piercing through his heart. And Jaemin was afraid that he didn’t know how to make it stop.

“It’s funny how you just tossed away her feelings for your own for two whole years. You didn’t even know that she was hurting, right? You treated her like shit for two years: throwing away her cookies, her gifts. Taking her kindness for granted, rolling your eyes at her whenever she was in the room. Not to mention talking shit bout her behind her back.”

“I do not talk shit about her behind her back-”

“Oh, really? What about those times you complained how clingy she was? How she was suffocating you with her presence? How she was getting annoying day by day, huh? What do you call that?”

“I was just-”

“You were just what, Jaemin? You were just pissed off? Or was it because you didn’t think she was right behind you listening? Or is it gonna be another of your petty excuses?”

Jaemin couldn’t respond, he didn’t know want to say. He admits that what he’s done in the past wasn’t the nicest things, but he was just upset whenever he said those things. He froze in his place, unable to find the right words to respond. Or rather, he couldn’t respond at all.

“Oh, so now you have nothing to say? Just admit that you’re being irrational about this whole situation, Jaemin. It’s not that hard to admit that you’re wrong, you bastard. No wonder Y/n replaced yo-”

Before Donghyuck could finish his sentence, Jaemin pushed Donghyuck by the chest harshly in anger. Hyuck took a few steps back at the harsh impact, his scowl turning into a smug grin. “Shut up, Donghyuck.” Jaemin growled, shrugging off Jeno’s hand when Jeno stepped forward to gently coax Jaemin to let it go before they both do something that’ll get them in trouble.

“Did I hit a nerve? You know it’s true, Na. You just won’t admit it!” Hyuck growled, causing Jaemin’s blood to boil under his skin. Both of his fists were clenched tightly, ready to punch something. Or rather, someone.

“Stop it, Hyuck.” Jeno barked, his tone getting an octave lower. At this point, Jisung and Chenle were eyeing their elders cautiously, ready to drop their snacks to the floor in case a fight breaks out. “What? I’m not lying, aren’t I? It wouldn’t take a genius to know that Y/n basically replaced him with someone clearly better for her. I mean, Renjun’s would be a way better soulmate than your selfish ass, anyways.” Hyuck taunted with a proud glint in his pupils.

“Hyuck, stop it before you’re gonna regret something,” Jeno barked once again as Jaemin clicked his tongue, his jaw clenching tightly as the atmosphere thickens between the three boys. “If only Y/n wasn’t cursed to be soulmate with an asshole like you, then she didn’t have to put up with your ungrateful ass for all these years!” Hyuck exclaimed, raising his hands up dramatically to rile Jaemin up even more.

It all happened so fast.

In a split second, Jaemin launched himself onto Hyuck, grabbing the younger boy by the collar. “Take it back,” Jaemin spat in his face, tone laced with anger. Hyuck still had a proud smirk on his face, provoking the boy even more by his smug expression. “I’m happy she didn’t have to get stuck with you for the rest of her life despite being cursed for having the same tat-” 

Hyuck didn’t get to finish his sentence when Jaemin’s fist collided against the side of his face. “Jaemin! Hyuck!” Jeno ripped the two boys apart, holding Jaemin back before he causes a ruckus. Jisung and Chenle held Hyuck back as Jeno began to scold the younger boys, “Fuck off, Jeno!” Jaemin tried to shove Jeno off of him, but Jeno tightened his grip on Jaemin’s shoulder, holding him back tightly.

“Jaemin, stop it you’re making a scene.” Jeno hissed as Hyuck let out a cocky “Ha!”, getting out of Jisung and Chenle’s grip. “No, Jen. Let him go, maybe if he beats me up, he’s gonna realize how shitty of a human being he’s been.” Hyuck taunted with a sinister laugh, causing Jaemin to let out a harsh growl at his friend. “You little-”

“Hyuck, stop provoking him. Jaemin, calm down before someone calls security!” Jeno struggled to keep Jaemin at arms length from Hyuck, Jaemin’s pupils darted at the people around them staring, whispering and crying out for someone to get security. He felt anxiety crawl up his skin at the countless of eyes glaring at them, but one that truly caught his eye was your own figure walking out of the arcade.

You had a skip in your step with an enthusiastic smile on your face as you stared back at your friends, pointing at the nearest food court as you looked back at your friends. His eyes widened slightly when he saw one of your friends pointing towards the crowd around them, anger soon being replaced with a strong surge of panic.

Jaemin masked his panic with an incredulous scoff, shoving Jeno’s hand off of him with an annoyed huff before bumping his shoulder against Donghyuck who gave him a death glare as he stomped off to the parking lot as fast as he could, ignoring the eyes of strangers as he leaves his friends behind. 

“Son of a bitch!”

Jaemin couldn’t be anymore thankful that his parents were away on a business trip for two weeks, they didn’t have to see their son experiencing a mental breakdown right before their eyes. Jaemin slammed the door shut as hard as he could, hitting his fist against the door in anger, swearing loudly as he vents his anger out on the white wooden door.

His fists were red with pain, but at that moment he couldn’t find it in himself to care. All he wanted was to block out the pain he was feeling deep down inside of him and let it out before it exploded inside him. Before the pressure broke him inside and outside.  

Eventually, the sound of his fists hitting the wooden door stopped. Jaemin took a step back, panting, his hair messy, his blood boiling, his heart racing in his chest, exhaustion filling his entire body. He collapsed onto the mattress of his bed, sighing out. Jaemin felt exhausted, mentally and physically. He felt like being stuck in his room for the rest of his life. He felt like he wanted to just disappear.

Jaemin turned over to his stomach, burying his face against the soft fabric of his pillows. His heart ached even more, his wrist wasn’t burning anymore but it still left a dull ache in it’s wake. And for once in his life he wasn’t covering his soulmate tattoo with his watch or wristbands. Jaemin’s glassy eyes stared at the small tattoo that got him into this big of a mess in the first place as his mind keeps spinning in his head.

The tattoo that was once a bright doodle of a small red balloon floating in the middle of two clouds had now transitioned into  a dim crimson red, the white color in the clouds and the bright red color in the balloon were barely visible. Jaemin assumed that was probably the side effects of either the pain killers he took or the tattoo releasing bacteria from the emotional pain in his chest.

Jaemin chuckled to himself, turning his head to see the half empty bottle of pain killers standing innocently on his desk. Laughing lightly to himself at how frustrated he gets whenever the pain wouldn’t stop despite taking the maximum dosage. “I’m so stupid.” he mumbled to himself, rubbing his face with his palms in frustration.

On second thought, he couldn’t remember the last time he saw your tattoo. Jaemin’s brows furrowed, at the thought. Come to think of it, you had been covering your own tattoo up these past couple months. Either with the matching friendship bracelet he got you for your 16th birthday, joking how you should cover your tattoo with it, hours prior to when your tattoo appeared. 

You wore it all the time since then. The charms on the bracelet were large enough to cover the small tattoo on your wrist. Were you using the bracelet as an excuse to cover the marks your tattoo left on your skin from everyone else? Was your cheerful demeanor a facade all this time to cover your pain from Jaemin so that Jaemin wouldn’t feel guilty for hurting you?

Everything was a mess.

Jaemin wanted this whole problem to just disappear.

He groaned as he sat up from his bed, eyes examining his bedroom. The distant nostalgic sound of both of your laughter echoing in his mind as he recalled the times when you two used to joke around and make each other laugh so hard you had to hold your stomachs. The memory of him flicking your forehead whenever you do something annoying to make him laugh. Pupils staring at the small pebble that sat at the corner of his desk, his mind fluttering back to the time when you were 15.

 “So I have a present for you.” you giggled, barging into his room and dropping your bag carelessly in the middle of the room. Jaemin looks up from his phone, raising his brow as a smile stretched across his face. “Is it food?” he asked, an eager smile stretching across his face as he watched you pounce on his bed with your arms stretched out like a starfish. 

You turned to your best friend, giving him a bittersweet smile before letting out an evil, loud, maniac laugh, leaning you head back for a dramatic effect, abruptly turning to Jaemin with a deadpanned expression before letting out a cold emotionless, “no.” 

Jaemin frowned, his bottom lip jutting out as he whined. “And here I thought you’d finally pay me back for all the peanut butter sandwiches I sacrificed every recess.” he complained under his breath, smacking your backside with one of the pillows behind him. You giggled, sitting up as you watched your best friend pursed his lips at you.

“You wish, Na Jaemin. That’s never going to happen, that I can assure.” you giggled, shaking your head as you snatched the pillow from his hands to lay it on top of your lap. “Then what did you get me?” he asked, a confused frown forming on his lips, leaning his head to the side in curiosity. You smiled simply at him, “close your eyes, first.”

“Why?” he eyed you suspiciously, watching as your right arm reached for something inside the pocket of the peach coloured hoodie you were wearing. “I swear if you get me one of those strawberry infused tea that the 6 year old girl from across the street constantly forces innocent bystanders to buy, I’m going to-”

You let out an incredulous scoff, putting your hand on your chest with an offended frown. “Preposterous!” You gasped dramatically. “I would never make my best friend suffer by buying him a disgusting drink made by a 6 year old who eats play doh for a living!” you exclaimed with an offended tone.

Jaemin gave you an incredulous look, leaning back on the bed with his arms supporting him as he raised a brow a you. “You literally made me try her special oreo, milo, peanut butter and jam, ‘expresso’ a few weeks ago.” he said, wiggling his index and middle fingers when he said ‘expresso’. 

You gave him an innocent dorky grin in response, “no regrets.” You hissed with a smug smile. Jaemin rolled his eyes at you, “I’m serious, I’m actually concerned. Knowing you, you probably hired some weird psychic witch to make a voodoo doll of me.” he frowned jokingly. Actually, he was half joking considering you were weird enough to convince him that you were secretly a witch from another dimension.

You giggled, putting the back of your hand on the top of your head as you wailed out dramatically like those people in theaters and soap operas. “Oh dear God, Na Jaemin has no faith in his oh-so-amazing best friend! What have their friendship become!” you cried out, scrunching your face as you pretended to cry in front of him, causing Jaemin to reach his hand out to pinch your cheek gingerly.

“I don’t think ‘amazing’ is a word I would use to describe this whole experience of being your friend since diapers.”

Now it was your turn to purse your lips, causing Jaemin to send you a charming wink, rolling your eyes in response. “Is that so? I think it’s time to finally terminate our friendship.” you sniffled, wiping an invisible tear as Jaemin let out a laugh your statement. “I’m kidding, Y/n.” he cooed in a high pitched voice, putting both his palms against you cheek and squishing them together to pucker your lips.

He snickered as you smacked his hands away from your face, “get your hands off of my face, you peasant.” you giggled before sitting up straight and giving him a serious look. “Now. Close your eyes!” you frowned, booping his nose jokingly. Jaemin raised his brow at you, pushing your finger away from the tip of his nose. “Fine,” he sighed, closing his eyes slowly.

He felt you tug down the hood of the jacket he was wearing over his head, feeling your palm pat against the fabric against his eyelids .”No peeking, Jaemin!” you exclaimed eagerly, your hands moving to pull his hands out from behind him. He rolled his eyes with a small chuckle when he felt your fingers pry his own open to spread out his palms. 

“Did you get me those old squishy stress balls you keep gazing at whenever we go to the mall?” he asked with a soft giggle when he feels you place something small and smooth in his palm. “I’m too broke for that, you know that, Jaemin. Now, open your eyes!” you giggled, he felt the bed sink, signalling you probably moved to lay down.

Jaemin placed the object in his hands in his left hand, his right moving to pull the hood over to the back of his head as he slowly opened his eyes and looks down at what you have placed in his palm. His brows furrowed in confusion at the grey object you had placed in his palm, his head shooting up to look at the cheeky grin displayed on your face. 

In his palms was a small pebble.

A fucking pebble.

He squinted his eyes at you to see if you were joking, but you just kept giving him the same cheeky grin. You weren’t joking in the slightest. You two stared at each other for the next 15 seconds. Your eyes wide as if daring him to speak and complain while his dared yours to explain what level of degeneracy your weirdness has come to. 

Jaemin clicked his tongue at you. 

“You got me a rock?” he deadpanned after a pregnant pause. You were on your stomach, gazing up at him with your face in your palms with a chesire grin spread across your face. “First of all, it’s a pebble. Second, it’s not just a pebble, it’s a pebble with-” Jaemin watched you lean over to flip the pebble in his hands around. 

“A picture of Doraemon!” you exclaimed cheerfully. Jaemin stared at the small cheap sticker of Doraemon winking at him, then stared back at you with a blank expression. He bit his lip to keep himself from bursting out laughing, watching you bite back your own laughs. “You got to be joking me. Please tell me you’re joking,” Jaemin threw his head back laughing, placing the pebble on his bedsheets in front of him as he applauded and laughed at the same time.

You shook your head as you wheezed, laughing loudly as you smacked your fists against the pillow you were laying on. “Oh you WISH I was joking. Hell no, dude, you’re gonna keep a rock as a momento of my iconic existence.” you shook your head, wiping the tears from your eyes as Jaemin stared at you incredulously.

“What the hell am I suppose to do with a rock? Also what’s with the sticker? It looks like some weird omen.” Jaemin snickered, he really couldn’t stop laughing at how stupid this situation looks. You shrugged innocently, giving him a teasing grin. “The sticker adds flavor to the pebble. I couldn’t find any permanent markers to decorate it with.” you shrugged, causing Jaemin to bawl out laughing, throwing his head back.

“Remind me why I’m still friends with you?” he chuckled. You puckered up your lips gingerly, “because you just married me.” you winked, causing Jaemin to furrow his brows in confusion. “Have you been eating to many candies again, y/n?” he asked, placing the back of his palm against your forehead. You huffed, slapping his hand away, eliciting soft giggles from your best friend.

“You accepted my gift, that means we’re married!”

“How so? What kind of weird nonsense have you discovered this time?”

“Hush, this is actually a really cute fact.”

Jaemin sighed, nodding his head as he gestured you to continue on. You grinned gingerly, “Did you know that when penguins propose to their mates, they give their mates a pebble? Like some sort of wedding ring!” 

There was a pregnant pause. Jaemin just giving you an incredulous smile, his cheeks flushed pink as he wonders how adorable this moment could possibly get. “Is this your way of saying you want to marry me or is this your way of calling me short?” Jaemin teased, his sweet wide smile never leaving his face as he leaned over towards you.

You raised your brows in surprise, a bright pink tint appearing on the soft skin of your cheeks. “Welp, this clearly backfired.” you muttered under your breath, causing Jaemin to let out an amused laugh. “What were you even trying to do here?” he exclaimed, stretching his arm out to gingerly pinch both of your pink cheeks as you whined out in embarrassment.

“I just want to pull a little harmless prank to make you blush. I clearly didn’t think this through.” you said, gripping his wrist as you try to pry his hands off of your cheeks. Jaemin giggled, his heart fluttering. “You’re getting weirder day by day.” He mumbled to himself, shaking his head profusely at you.

“Shut up, I thought it was cute and funny at the same time.” 

“Would you marry me though?”

“What?”

Jaemin gulped, shaking his head when he realised he said that out loud. “Would you marry me though if we had the chance?” he asked shyly, rubbing the back of his neck shyly with a bashful smile. You leaned your head to the side, pondering for a small moment, attempting to ignore the heat rushing through your cheeks. “Would you?” you mused, chuckling at your best friend who just gave you a dopey grin.

Jaemin shrugged, “I don’t see why not. It’s better than marrying someone you met because of a stupid birthmark.” he smiled innocently. You rolled your eyes at this. “Your resentment towards the soulmate system will always be an unattractive point. I hate to be the person who blows a candle, only to have the same lame soulmate mark as you.” you joked, causing Jaemin to smack you with the pillow beside him.

“Rude!” he exclaimed with a laugh. “What if you were that unfortunate soul?” he asked with a giggle, causing you to frown. “Well screw that, I’ll peel the damn mark off of my skin.” you shot back, giggling in between words as Jaemin pouted at your words, pursing his lips in response. “Wouldn’t that be ironic, though? We’ve been friends since diapers, I’d be damned if I have to spend the rest of my life with you.” you commented.

Jaemin stopped laughing, leaning back on his arms as he took a moment to think about it. “But wouldn’t it be better that way though? Like, you wouldn’t have to go through that awkward introduction phase when we could just move on to the honeymoon phase.”

You scoffed. “I’d rather barf in my cereal.”

You let out a loud ‘oof’ when Jaemin tackled you against the sheets to smack you with his pillow repeatedly.

Jaemin chuckled to himself at the memory, smiling sadly at how ironic yet cliche this whole ordeal was. He walked over to his desk, picking up the pebble from the space in between his books and stationary. He tossed the pebble in the air, catching it in his other hand. His eyes pausing at the old Doraemon sticker on the pebble, half of Doraemon’s face had disappeared. (Jaemin’s weird desires to peel things off had kicked it when he was tossing around the pebble in boredom)

His thumb glazed over the sticker, causing it to fall off of the pebble and to the carpet floor. “Shit!” Jaemin cursed, kneeling down to find the Doraemon sticker. ‘Y/N’s gonna kill me,’ he thought to himself with a chuckle as he picked up the sticker, it took him a few seconds for him to realize that you two weren’t friends anymore. ‘Right, she probably doesn’t care about some stupid sticker anymore.’ he frowned, sighing heavily.

He gently placed the sticker back on the pebble despite the fact that it couldn’t stick anymore, placing the pebble back on his desk as he stood back up on his feet, He looks back down when he felt his wallet slip out of the pocket of his jacket when he stood up. His heavy heart weighing down on him when he looks down at his wallet.

His wallet had fallen open, revealing the photo of you two when you were still kids slipped into the transparent pocket of his wallet. Jaemin picked up his wallet in between his fingers, his heart dropping to the pit of his stomach as he collapsed back on the mattress of his bed. He tucked his arm under his head as he turned over to his side, never keeping his eyes off of the picture in his wallet.

The picture was slightly blurry. Baby Jaemin was attacking you with his latest transformers action figure, his lips puckered to make dramatic sound effects. Baby you had your face scrunched in laughter, a hand outstretched to shove him away by his shoulder. You had a barbie doll in your free hand, protecting your barbie from his transformers figure.

Baby Jaemin’s cap was floating in mid air, having been knocked off of his head when you threw your doll’s hairbrush at the perfect moment. The one who took the picture was your grandmother, who truly believed that you two were soulmates since the dawn of time. Jaemin’s frown deepened at the thought of your beloved grandma. How she would use any given time to take at least one picture of the two of you together. How she would walk in the middle of your play time to five you two some cookies or treats she made.

 “Grandma, what’s a soulmate?” you asked in the middle of your play date with Jaemin. Your grandma smiled simply, sighing as she leaned her cheek against her palm. “Soulmate, huh?” she repeated as Jaemin sat beside you in front of her with a cookie in his between hands. “A soulmate is like..” your grandmother paused, eyeing the two of you as you sat side by side with cookies in your hands as you obediently listened to your grandmother’s words.

“To me, a soulmate is like a best friend. It’s the one person who knows you better than anyone else.” she explained briefly. “More than your own family?” Jaemin asked, chewing in between words, causing your grandma to chuckle. “Almost more than your own family,” she winked, grabbing a cookie of her own out of the container filled with chocolate chip cookies.

“It’s also someone who makes you a better person in life, because most of the times, they inspire you to be a better person. A soulmate is someone you can carry with you forever.” 

“Forever? Wouldn’t they get bored?” You asked with an innocent tilt of your head. Your grandmother smiled briefly, “well, would you get bored of playing with Jaemin, Y/n?” she asked, causing the both of you to look at each other. You shook your head with a bright smile, “never! Jaemin is my best friend!” you exclaimed, causing Jaemin to let out a loud cheer. “And y/n is mine!” he exclaimed, wrapping his tiny arms around your figure as he gingerly pressed his cheek against yours, causing you to giggle. 

“That’s good. Though, a soulmate will always support you and believe in you. They will stay by your side no matter what. They’ll always be there to make you smile.” your grandmother explained. “Does that mean a soulmate is someone who can make you happy all the time?” y/n asked, eliciting a soft chuckle from your grandma who just nodded simply. 

“Exactly my dear!” she exclaimed. “Gross,” Jaemin teased, scrunching his face in disgust at the thought. Your grandma chuckled, leaning down to fondly ruffle Jaemin’s hair. “Jae, you shouldn’t say things like that. I’m sure you’ll understand and change your mind when you’re older and more mature.” she spoke gently, making Jaemin scoff lightly, crossing his arms stubbornly.

“No I won’t! Just you watch, Grandma! I’m not going to have a soulmate when I grow up!” he exclaimed with a huff. You giggled as you hugged your barbie doll to your chest, “well I do! It sounds like a forever friend!” 

Jaemin raised a brow at you, tilting his head in confusion. “A forever friend?” he asked. You nodded eagerly, pulling your barbie doll away from your chest to play with it’s bendable arms as you continued to explain. “A friend that’s going to be with you forever and ever like Mr. Snuggles!” you exclaimed, pointing at the big teddy bear leaning against Jaemin’s power ranger action figure.

“I wish I could meet my soulmate now!” you exclaimed with a bright giggle. “I’m sure they’ll be the nicest person ever!”

At this point, Jaemin couldn’t hold back his tears. His heart aching like never before, but this time he didn’t bother grabbing the bottle of pain killers near him. He puts his wallet on his nightstand as he sniffled, his heart overwhelmed with different emotions all at one. Guilt. Anger. Regret.

Jaemin furiously wiped the tears from his face, his frustration growing by the second. “Fuck!” he cried out, sobs coming out of his throat as tears continuously cascade down his cheeks. He turned over to his stomach, burying his face in the soft fabric to muffle his cries and sobs.

They say karma hits back at the best of times. It was no different with Na Jaemin. Like what your grandma had said, he’d change his mind of his perception of this whole soulmate system. There was no point in fighting against fate. How could he be so selfish as to let the people he cared about get hurt? How could he be so foolish to take your kindness for granted?

Jaemin’s eyes screw shut tightly, trying to stop the flashbacks going through his head. He knew he couldn’t stop the nostalgic memories from flooding through his mind. After all, you two shared every moment of your lives with each other that it would be preposterous for the world to not make you two soulmates. This is what he wanted right? He wanted you to go away.

Now, he just wanted his best friend back. He wanted you to give him cookies again every week. He wanted you to sit next to him during every class you had together and make weird jokes or express abstract opinions of a certain topic. He missed those times when you two would go to the arcade to get the biggest stuffed animal in all the crane games you could find and play some Mario Kart afterwards.

He missed how you would sneakily wear his hoodie in the middle of class because you ‘were cold’ or ‘forgot to bring yours’. He missed blasting music loudly from his car radio as he drives you both to school, headbanging aggressively to the beat of whatever song was playing on the radio. The way you would comfort him by buying him desserts or cookies from the nearest bakery whenever he received a scolding from Coach or the former Team Captain.

Jaemin paused, remembering your bright smile when you stood in front of Renjun. That genuine smile you always used whenever he was in your line of vision. He sighed at the vivid memory, He moved so he was laying on his back, sniffling back his tears as his mind spun even more as he couldn’t help but think that maybe Donghyuck was right.

Whenever he was a jerk, Renjun was always there to comfort you. He was always there to help you whenever you were on the brink of failing a certain subject while Jaemin would always ditch you for practice or to hang out with Jeno and Haechan. Maybe it would be better if Renjun was your soulmate instead of Jaemin.

He’ll make you way more happier than he ever could. Jaemin’s heart clenched against his chest at the thought of you being in a romantic relationship with someone else. Though, who was he to complain if you and Renjun were secretly into each other? He knew it was very unlikely for a someone to fall for someone else that’s not their soulmate, but it wasn’t completely impossible for one to do so.

All that you ever wanted was to have someone by your side for the rest of your life to make you smile when you’re at your worst. Jaemin couldn’t even do that back when he broke your music box. What was the point in asking you to forgive him now if you wouldn’t even look him in the eyes without giving him an expression equivalent to what an injured puppy would at their owner?

You deserved someone like Renjun. 

Maybe Hyuck was right. You were cursed to be born with a soulmate like him. You were cursed to have the same stupid tattoo as he did on your wrist. You didn’t deserve to suffer that much emotional pain for such a long time for his sake. You didn’t deserve all the pain he put you through. And he knew he didn’t deserve to have you in his life.

Jaemin spent the rest of his day crying his eyes out. Finally letting out the pent up emotions that his actions had caused him, letting his heart scream out in pain as it tries to release the tension that came with longing for the feeling of holding your delicate heart in the palms of his hands. At that single moment, he never wished for anything so bad as he did when he wished he could start this whole soulmate ordeal over again.  

T A G L I S T : @candiednickles​ @itlittlefangirl​ @cherrym4rk​ @gotoartistprofile @d-nghyck​ @kingjvngins​ @aconeptun​ @chaeshii @lixseu​ @morks-watermelon​ @12am-musings​ @cherrystay​ @lowkeyviv​ @btm-taeyong​ @gothmingguk​ @luvlyjaemin​ @cowward​ @smileyyuta​ @cakelyn @uncovermenow666 @comically-sleep-deprived​ @wtfhaechan​ 

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