#i fought so hard and the water pattern perspective is still bad :’-)

[ameriel]

au week 3 | slice of life/beach day

#my art #friend ocs #au week #TUMBLR IS DOING SMTH YUCKY TO THE QUALITY please view full size #i fought so hard and the water pattern perspective is still bad :’-) #ANYWAY…. i feel like ceth would wear the most modest ass swimwear #this isnt even enough im fully picturing like. wearing board shorts over a wetsuit lol. i love her

[avenger-hawk]

Tagged by @altraes (thank you, it was fun to do this~)

List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

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(I wrote the first paragraphs because my first lines alone don’t make much sense lol)

1- ACQUIESCENCE (Minato/Itachi) my first fic ever. darkish but just a little, angsty. I’m proud of it cause another author wrote a sequel to it.

 to ac·qui·esce: to accept, agree, or allow something to happen by staying silent or by not arguing. A flurry of leaves, swept away by the autumn wind, caught the Hokage's attention while he took off his large hat. That time of the year should have been warmer.

2- THE WILL OF FIRE (Shiita, Danzo/Shisui, Danzo/Itachi) This was dark and shiita fans didn’t like it lol.

 Just like his owner, Danzo's studio was dark and dusty. The man didn't look as old as Hiruzen, but he was twice as scary; thus would think a boy of Itachi's age. Not him. He was not allowed to be afraid.

3- WHAT HE WANTED (Itasasu) Even tho I rewrote it cause I didn’t like how I initially characterized them and their dynamics this is my most popular fic. Maybe because it’s a post-ending, canon divergent, fix-it kind of story. Maybe because it’s Itasasu and I put so much love into writing their dynamics and, also, in giving Sasuke a good ending since canon didn’t do him justice.

Sasuke is where everybody wants him to be: in Konoha. With the battle and the arm he also lost the urge to fight. He's had enough of traveling. He's tired of chasing and being chased. So tired that even if he meant every word about starting a revolution, being the Hokage and build a new era, he had wondered, though only for a moment, if he would be able to really accomplish such tasks all by himself.

4- IN POWER WE ENTRUST THE LOVE ADVOCATED (Itasasu) THis is my second most popular fic. This one too was written after the ending and tried to give Sasuke justice. I planned to write a sequel but I got busy with other projects and lost interest in it.

The gates open, letting the shinobi in after a successfully completed mission. Being on duty the following day Sasuke declines his team mates' proposal to have dinner together, the reddish sunset light forcing him to squint as he walks towards the Hokage's office.

5- PRESSURE (Itasasu) Taken from In Power that can be read as a standalone oneshot.

Itachi wakes up to the sound of pouring water.

6- IN DREAMS (Itasasu, Izuna/Sasuke, DARKFIC). This is one of the darkest things I wrote. The Izuna/Sasuke crackpair was for @admiral-izusasu. The plot, the dynamics, everything has a double, or triple reading, plot related and metaphorical for other, real-life issues such as knowing people online, and emotional abuse from narcissistic people. I wrote it when I was fighting against one of these psychos, on tumblr itself, so this fic has a personal meaning for me. But also the plot and the canon divergent ending thing is cool, I think it’s one of my best fics, even though I coulnd’t care less about izuna.

They say that nature will always find a way. After the end of the war flowers keep blooming like nothing happened even if the light is fainter, filtered from the tall branches of the Shinju tree, now grown into a forest spread all over the world.

7- SOMBER CREATION PALE DESTRUCTION (Madara/Sasuke dom/sub-ish). Darkish? Who knows, I write darkfish stuff all the time. I was (and am) very proud of this fic, the canon divergent turn it took (who am I kidding, it’s really cool lol) and the weird relationship/dynamics these 2 created. So I didn’t update it anymore, because doing so would break their thin balance. Ssssh, don’t tell me it doesn’t make sense, I don’t believe you xD

History teaches that Madara Uchiha died at the hands of Hashirama Senju. Their statues were erected in the Valley Of The End where their battle was fought, where the shinobi god ended his best friend's life in order to protect the village they founded together. No one knows that Madara didn't die there.

8- IN THE DARK (kakashi/Sasuke, mob/Sasuke noncon). This is a very dark oneshot that I’m proud of, cause it ‘explains’ canon Sasuke personality in Shinden and later, and that I use as prequel for many fics, like WHW but also OFAF and Broken Things (see later for both).

Things never went as Sasuke wanted. After the war it's no different, although everything seems fine at first, Team 7 finally at peace with each other, the war ended and the village that Itachi protected, even as a dead man, safe. Nevertheless he is arrested when he's still in the hospital.

9- VICTIMS OF PEACE (Shisui/Sasuke dom/sub-ish) I am so proud of this fic, of its non massacre universe, of the dark-ish slow burn relationship between Shisui and Sasuke I wrote, tentatively at first cause no one did it or thought much about it, and because that non massacre filler was bad, but still it was inspiration. I know shiita fans hated me even more for this cause shisui is only paired with itachi, and also itachi/itasasu fans were disappointed but still. This is maybe the fic I’m most proud of.

If a traveler arrived from a random village in the Fire Country he would certainly notice how different Konoha was. He would not be able to pinpoint exactly why at first, because the buildings, houses and shops are similar, just like their gardens, fields and animals. Only after some thought he would understand that the difference is in their people: other villagers are relaxed and casual, even loud. Children run around the streets, chasing each other, playing tag or hide-and-seek. Their fathers bring them presents and their mothers buy them new clothes.

10- OF FEATHERS AND FANGS (DARK Narusasu) I received a lot of hate for this one, which makes me proud of it even more. so many naruto stans were butthurt by my characterization of him as a possessive not sunshine selfless boy and their dynamics as crazy.

Jiraiya used to complain that the first sign of getting old was waking up at night for no reason and not being able to fall back asleep. For Naruto, this only happened after the war.

11- BLACK ROSES (Itasasu, dom/sub-ish) Smutty Bloody Darky Hokage Itachi/Anbu Sasuke oneshot

Because of his farsighted politics, his loyalty towards his allies as well as his iron fist against his enemies, Itachi quickly became one of the most respected leaders in the shinobi world, and because of his unequaled diplomatic skills, along with his vast culture, impeccable manners and refined appearance, he became popular among nobles, including the Daimyo, whose official visits increased since the Uchiha rose to power.

12- NELL’IPOTESI GRANDE (=IN THE BIG HYPOTHESIS) (MetaMoro, not Naruto) I’m very proud of this one cause it’s a psycho-pass inspired longfic set in a retrofuturistic Italy with a totalitarian consumeristic regime. But that fandom is so shitty and they all hate me cause I called them homophobic fascists so no one cares. The excerpt is translated too.

He’s reminded of Pirandello’s* words as he’s riding the automatic taxi across the city, exiting the center towards EUR. COmpared to Milan with its skyscrapers, multilevel streets, automatic cars and incessant novelties, the capital is basically the same as it was portrayed in old illustrations: renaissance and 20th century buildings, seagulls, pines among the Roman ruins, sycamore trees on the Lungotevere, that was probably already busy with traffic when people travelled on horse carriages. (*an Italian writer)

13- DA UOMO A UOMO, MANO NELLA MANO (from man to man, hand in hand) (Metamoro) lol I was hated a lot for this one too. tbh the hate I received in the Naruto fandom is nothing compared to this other shitty fandom

For an artist like Fabrizio, mainly focused on expressing what he has inside, public relations are the hardest part of his job, especially when it’s about events where, instead of fans, of whom he perceives the sincere affection, other artists and professionals are invited. His experience taught him that most of them are hypocrites ready to jump on the winner’s bandwagon as quickly as to throw mud at the loser.

14- STRENGTH THROUGH WOUNDING (wip) (Obito/Sasuke, Obito/Itachi, dark.-ish) 

There is something nostalgic in the eerie way the boy's screams resonate through the dark cavern-like hideout, their pain bouncing from one curved wall to another, their anguish filling their crevices. It’s like hearing his past self from an external perspective, like Madara did. Which is fitting, for Obito is Madara now.

15- WORDS UNSAID (wip) (Kakashi/Sasuke) 

A black flame that cannot be extinguished: they had been warned about Amaterasu by Jiraiya, but seeing it was impressive nevertheless. The whole area was surrounded by black flames and the rain pouring hard could nothing against it. They found Sasuke there, surrounded, imprisoned by black flames that were extinguishing themselves, so they found a breach.

16- BLEEDING ME (Metamoro vampire/priest darkfic) No one can understand this in the Naruto fandom but it’s an AU interpretation of the Da UOMO A UOMO character dynamics where one is an emotional vampire-like person. I’m very proud of this fic tbh.

According to folk stories the forest was so big and full of dangers that God himself put a church where it ended, so that its priest would protect the people living nearby. It was a small, white building that didn’t match the typical stones and wood brownish ones of that region, with no stained glass windows or fancy columns, spires or gargoyles, only crosses with skulls and bones, and an engraving in an unknown language.

17- WILD CHILD (Metamoro cop/drug dealer AU). At this point I hate that fandom so much but I like my ideas and I write only for my girl whom I met in that very shitty fandom.

Everything seems bigger in children’s eyes. Like the playground in the courtyard of the church, with its slides and swings that for Ermal’s siblings were the setting of countless imaginary adventures which they told him in detail, enthusiastically interrupting each other, when he picked them up after school.

18- TRUE COLORS (Itasasu, dark, dom/sub) By now I’m only interested in writing dark IS and I enjoyed writing this one lol

"I knew you had it in you. You're a sadistic control freak. Even more than me." Orochimaru's voice resounded in Itachi's ears. Again.

19- OF FEATHERS AND FANGS 2: TO REPAIR WITH GOLD (Dark Narusasu). Cause I didn’t piss off NS fans enough I guess? lol this is ongoing and I like this idea so much

It's a rainy day in Konoha but no one seems to notice. Everyone is focused on the Hokage delivering his eulogy.

20- BROKEN THINGS (Shisui/Sasuke) My latest creation, I’m so proud of it cause it’s Shisasu again, my rarepair! and it was supposed to be a oneshot but it got longer because they have such a cool dynamic that things just happen and get longer.

In the Land of Water summers were hot and damp, autumn and spring were damp for the frequent rains and winter was no less, with its cold temperature and ubiquitous dampness. It wasn't a problem for Sasuke though.

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Tagging: @renamon15 and all the other authors I can’t remember right now and who want to do this, tag me back so I can read your first lines lol

#I'm not reading nar fics so xD #I'm actually back into reading my old favourite bleach fics cause I used to be into bleach so much before naruto #ask meme/tag game #my writing #fics & art recs #lol for some reason the pressure first line seems funny out of context

[thelittleredheadedmusician]

First Lines

So @klaineharmony @wordshakerofgallifrey and @radioactivepigeons ​all tagged me to do this so uh here it is. This is NOT including academic stuff. But it IS including original work. 

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag some lovely people!

Hitch Hiker - my book:

It’s raining, hard enough to hit the windshield in fat drops though he can still clearly see the wet road ahead. Oliver isn’t speeding, in high school he would’ve flown around the curves out of town. But now? Coming home and in bad weather? He manages to stay just below the speed limit. And a good thing too.

I don’t want to linger any longer - DCU, Batman, Green Arrow:

Alfred was leery of the summer camp. Bruce went to public school partially because of Martha's pointed remarks regarding democracy and public education, partly because of her pointed remarks regarding Thomas's own time at boarding schools and prep schools surrounded by equally rich and entitled boys. Alfred never said anything at the time, it wasn't his place, and would never say anything now but, he whole heartedly believed both. Especially after his own childhood in private schools, even if the times and the British and American systems were very different. Regardless, Bruce was remaining in public school with all the trials it entailed. Including the socializing problem.

untitled post final chapter short for Hitch Hiker:

“I’m so glad I get to be here for this,” Eve practically flung herself onto the couch, bouncing slightly before settling. She’d just gotten dropped off after rehearsal and was miraculously still teeming with energy.

Give Me the Stars - an original short story:

Morgan leaned closer to the mirror, shifting her hair so she could examine the new growth near her scalp. It was a dark, almost dull brown and the scalp itself didn’t seem red or irritated. She half combed her fingers through it while she shook her hand loose of the strands. Where the few centimeters of brown ended, a shifting cascade of colors began. A swirl or wave or reflection of green and blue and purple with notes of black and pink and sometimes silver. Like an oil slick made tangible. Except, after two months it’d lost its glimmer, its shine. Which didn’t really matter since Morgan spent about seventy percent of the time tucking it up under one hat or another.

glitter and gold - DCU:

She hadn’t been expecting the second explosion. None of them had been expecting the second explosion. Luckily, they were all clear of the debris but Steph’s ears were ringing. A gut feeling said her comm had been knocked out but it’s not like she’d be able to tell right now anyway. She swayed, unsteady. But Batgirl had to worry about the people around her, not herself. A cursory glance looked as though the block’s residents had gotten back far enough before the blast hit. Leaving them covered in dust but unharmed.

five phones on the table - DCU, Titans:

The long table with its numerous chairs was, by proximity to the kitchen, a dining table but due to the nature of the building it occupied doubled as a meeting and strategy table. The small net, paddles, and light plastic balls stored in an innocuous box in the kitchen meant it tripled as a ping pong table.

Adulting Fail - DCU, Titans, Nightwing:

“RICHARD JOHN GRAYSON,” Donna says and for an instant he wonders how a woman who has never met his mother can sound exactly like her. But then again, Donna has always been and will always be his older sister, never mind the fact neither are sure if it’s by three months or three thousand years.

Seventh Floor Walkup - DCU, Titans, Nightwing:

Dick may slightly regret asking his friends to help him move. See, he didn’t have the funds for real movers but had promised pizza if they helped. Except Roy and Garth could each eat a whole pizza, Donna could eat two, and Wally half a baker’s dozen. Which left Dick carrying eleven boxes of pizza to his seventh-floor walkup.

Et tu Brute - DCU, Flash, Batman:

“What the-?” Barry shifted his momentum with ease, turning from where he’d been running towards the Batcomputer and Bruce waiting there for him to instead run towards the metallic object low to the ground and glowing a dull green he’d spotted out of the corner of his eye.

you were shunned and burned your cradle - Newsies:

Being a changeling in New York City hurts. It makes his skin itch and his lungs burn and his eyes water. From the iron that surrounds him, fills the very air along with the smoke. If he’s not careful when he reaches out or brushes against something his skin comes away with a sharp, searing scar.

The Devil Wears What? - DCU, Hellblazer, Zatanna:

“What is this?” John slurred, arm flopping towards the television screen.

The Hattrick - DCU, Green Arrow, Hellblazer:

There is a strong possibility that Mia is in hell. It’d be vaguely poetic and certainly fitting if her personal hell were an empty warehouse. The fact John Constantine is here definitely sells the idea.

Inhouse House Party - Les Miserables: 

“I thought we agreed that we weren’t doing Halloween this year?” Enjolras half grumbled, half called up the steps. “In light of the fact that there is a global pandemic and we’ve been responsibly quarantining and social distancing this whole time.” Despite his complaints, he still fixed the ridiculous headband he wore as part of his costume. The halved wiffle ball glued onto it made pretty decent looking fly eyes, but the weight was weird and the whole thing kept slipping as a result.

Second Time is Coincidence - DCU, Green Arrow, Hellblazer:

“Oh c’mon,” Mia groaned, slumping against the bonds that currently had her suspended from the warehouse ceiling. “Not you again!”

Three Musketeers - DCU, Batfam:

Bristol was technically in Gotham City limits. Though the gilted mansions and private woods with pastures and stables seemed like a whole other world in comparison. The residents liked to think so too, especially because – despite Gotham’s robust public transportation system – it was almost impossible to reach the rich suburb from the city proper. It was because they lived in this separate world that Bristol’s wealthy residents often fought to receive special treatment or even secede from the city all together.

Deal? Deal. - DCU, Hellblazer, Zatanna:

“No,” John whined, drawing it out into about six syllables. He stretched his arm out, nearly falling off the couch in the process, but Zatanna just pushed the half-empty glass of whiskey further away from the edge of the coffee table and out of his reach.

Pumpkin Guts - Les Miserables:

There had been strange noises coming from the kitchen all afternoon. Combeferre was staunchly ignoring them because he’s trying to finish reading this journal article before anyone else came home. Having Courfeyrac in the vague direction of behind him and doing who knew what all is more than enough of a distraction. Besides, Ferre can fairly well ignore the sounds coupled with Courf’s slightly off-key humming of Nightmare Before Christmas.

Sunrise Shadows - DCU, Batgirl, Starman:

It was late, or early depending on your perspective, and Steph was that bone deep tired that came after a fight to save the fate of the world. Which was fine, they’d won, but she didn’t really know where in the world she was and Steph really just wanted to crawl into bed. Maybe take her suit off first. Possibly slap some Neosporin on her cuts and scrapes. But mostly sleep.

The Good Stuff - Newsies:

Kath pulled her favorite armchair into the doorway of her apartment. The antique wingback her friends had helped her liberate from a thrift store in Queens and then clean and reupholster. It was, undeniably, too heavy to be shoved across the hardwood like that but Kath wanted to be comfy. And there were the little felt things on the legs to protect her floor.

Salt and Iron - DCU, Batgirl: 

Steph pried her bedroom window open before slipping in and closing it firmly behind herself. Then locked it for good measure. Sure, she’d seen some weirdness since first putting on a mask, and just a few months into her time as Batgirl she’d even fought off some Segway riding vampires with Kara. But this was different. For one, they weren’t real vampires but Dracula from an old film brought to life. For another, it looked like literal hell had overtaken Gotham.

Well, I either have really long opening lines or my understanding of what constitutes opening “lines” is skewed. Also my formatting didn’t always past so poo on tumblr for that. Hmm, this is mostly Halloween fics but also fairly indicative of what I write which is nice. I like that I start with dialogue so often, it’s weirdly fitting for me as a person. The cold open musing on Gotham’s social, political, economic structure at Three Musketeers isn’t my favorite but I am obsessed with it. I think Second Time is Coincidence is my favorite because Mia’s response to John is the only response anyone should ever have to John Constantine. 

All of my friends have already been tagged~ 

#long post #writing #own writing #my fic #original writing

[theatresweetheart]

Thorns and Arrows

Fandom(s): Sanders Sides, G/t

Prompt: “I’ll take real good care of you, I promise.” With prinxiety? Maybe with big Roman and tiny Virgil? — Asked by @arc852

Summary: Virgil, after narrowly escaping capture by humans who believe his witchcraft is demonic, ends up getting caught by Roman instead.

Warnings: Brief mention of Remus, brief mention of Deceit (Darien), multiple descriptions of blood, disturbing use of language, talk of death, character being treated inhumanely, fear, fainting, crying, swearing, fire. (I think that’s it, but please let me know if I missed anything!)

Pairings: Platonic Prinxiety, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it Logince

Word Count: 4140 words.

A/n: So, I actually had a lot of fun writing this and getting to play around with different perspectives and such. Also, a huge thank you to the ever lovely @hiddendreamer67 for being a fantastic beta and helping me edit! 

(Also, as a side note, I decided not to add this into the ask with the prompt, only because it had gotten so long. Adding “Read More” into my asks has been problematic for now, so I might do every long story like this and the shorter ones answered in asks. That is still to be decided.)

Anyhow, enjoy! 

Taglist: @isle-of-gold  (Feel free to let me know if you ever want to be tagged in future works!) 

                                      +~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

Life is a cruel mistress, some would say.

She taunts and giggles and gifts more misfortune to the already unfortunate.

To those that had been born into a life with little to no chance of success or survival, she can be loving and kind and extend assistance and a caring hand. Or, she would sit by, watch and grin at the suffering she caused.

Virgil didn’t want to be ungrateful, but as he stumbled through the overgrown underbrush of the forest in a panicked escape from the king’s knights close behind him—with swords and shields and bows and arrows ready—he felt as though he had every right to be sour about his life.

“Halt in the name of the King, witch!”‌ One knight shouted, causing the witch himself to reel and press on forward faster. “You will cease your useless attempt and repent in the Halls of the King before the Royal Court!”

If he had wanted to repent and be dragged back to the court to either be hung or drowned, he would have already turned himself in.

The sounds of his own breathing got loud enough that it was the only thing he could focus on. The blood rushing in his ears, the adrenaline pounding through his veins.

His coven had already been ravaged by fire and death and destruction, his familiar was nowhere to be seen—which worried him greatly—and now he was running blindly through a forest he didn’t know his way out of.

He was in an area of the forest that he had never had the chance to see. A place he had never been taken to, or shown around. He was completely on his own when it came to navigating his way out.

To put it lightly, Virgil was terrified.

The sound of an arrow whizzing by his head, nearly nicking his cheek, made him recoil and duck to the other side, catapulting himself over a fallen log and continuing his sprint.

There was just so much that had gone wrong in such little time. This morning had been like any other morning, quiet, relatively peaceful. He was going to try and spend most of his day perfecting his potions, only for that to have changed within the hour.

How had the knights figured out his coven existed?‌ A false accusation by one of the paranoid townspeople, claiming they had seen another of Virgil’s coven commit a heinous act of witchcraft.

It hadn’t been hard to figure out that the townsfolk were bluffing. It also wasn’t hard to understand that the townspeople didn’t like him or his coven in the first place. They were isolated and kept to themselves a lot, only entering the town square when absolutely necessary. To an outsider, they almost did look a tad too much like witches, but they had never been accused of it before.

There had been rumors, Virgil remembered, when he was little. He remembered staying close to Darien, a hand latched onto the older witch’s jacket as they navigated the town. People would whisper to each other, point and stare, but nothing had ever come of it. It remained only as if it were a whisper on the wind.

There had always been paranoia within the town about the forest and what lurked inside of it, which was understandable.

There were terrible creatures that lurked in the night, searching and stalking for an easy meal. If you didn’t know how to fight back, it would be far too easy to lose. Sometimes, even if you did know how to defend yourself, you just weren’t strong enough.

Some of the animals that did haunt the night were wolves and bats and coyotes and such, but then there were mystical creatures as well; the fae, werewolves, and vampires, which were rare, but there. They mostly lived among the people and not so much in the heart of the woods. It was easier to feed that way.

There were even creatures that were so big they’d be able to swallow a human whole if they so desired.

Now those were the encounters that would strike fear into anyone’s being. Anyone that had a rational head on their shoulders would avoid a giant at all costs.

Then there were the so called “giant hunters”‌ who decided it would be a good idea to go after these massive beings and try to claim fame and fortune.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t likely anyone would return from such a quest.

Not that Virgil felt a shred of pity for them. They had made their choice—no matter how stupid—and it had cost them their lives. So, the only way to go about that was to learn from their mistakes and never make the same choice himself.

The twang of another arrow being loosed caught his attention, but the searing hot agonizing pain that rose from his left shoulder was the thing that shattered every coherent thought in his head. The yelp of pain that came sharply from his mouth made the knights behind him cheer in glee; they had hit their mark!‌ It was only a matter of time now before the witch stumbled and dropped.

While his vision was hazy, Virgil wasn’t letting the arrow get the better of him. He needed to get out of here. He needed to find– to find… find what exactly? What was left for him? His coven was nothing but ashes, his familiar was possibly dead and he was being hunted. It really was only a matter of time before he stumbled to his knees and let the knights have their way with him.

But there was also the sharp resilience that said this isn’t what his family would want for him. The fact that giving up meant losing immediately. The moment one gave up was the moment one lost.

Chancing a glance down at the wound, Virgil saw a steady stream of crimson blood oozing down his left arm, dripping off of his fingertips before it had the chance to dry. He needed to dislodge the arrow, find some way to heal the wound before he bled out…but without a safe place to stop and rest, it was pointless.

Without his eyes on the escape route, he had failed to notice the steep drop down the bank in front of him. Just as his foot caught on a stray root, a sharp cry was ripped from his throat and he stumbled and slid to his knees. Unable to hold himself up any longer, he collapsed to the ground and rolled onto his uninjured side just enough to see the knights approaching him quickly.

The sounds of the armour and weapons clattering got closer and closer, until Virgil could see the three knights standing over him. Looking red in the face and furious, but almost mixed with a horrible look of glee. They got to take what they wanted of him. Torture him, kill him.‌ Anything they so desired.

His chest rose in panting breaths, unsteady but in an almost recognizable pattern. Hazily, his eyes slid over each and every knight, taking in what they looked like. Burning their images into his brain as the last thing he would probably see before they ran him through. He memorized every little detail, including their unbearable grins, sneers and sharp looks that said so much more than words could.

“Absolutely pitiful,”‌ the one to his right said, voice dangerously low. He crouched down, prodding Virgil roughly in the injured shoulder and grinning as the witch hissed at the unwanted and painful touch. “A single arrow takes down the last witch of that disgusting coven. You’d think it’d have more fight. At least a will to live.”

Of course Virgil had a will to live, but surrounded like this, too weak to even try and utter a simple spell?‌ His odds weren’t looking great. But that knight could go and take what little knowledge his fat head carried and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.

“I almost feel bad,”‌ a second voice piped up, cruel and unrelenting. “Get it up boys. Bring it back to the King.”

The first knight got down lower, so low that Virgil could feel his breath against his neck. It was a vulnerable section of skin for someone’s mouth to be hovering over and he was half afraid that the knight would take the advantage to sink his teeth into his jugular. Of course it wasn’t a human move, but it didn’t stop Virgil from worrying about it. He even tried to writhe away to the best of his ability but was stuck in place by the third’s heavy grasp. “The King ain’t gonna be happy with you,”‌ he snarled, “I‌ like to think that your coven got off easy.”

The thought that being burned alive in your own home was getting off easy, made Virgil feel so unbelievably sick that he felt bile rising.

There was no way that Darien and Remus had gotten off easy. Buried under rubble with heat from all sides, heat that you couldn’t escape, that you choked on and eventually made your suffering so unbearable—

Virgil coughed, blood painting his lips. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling heat prickling the back of his eyes. The water threatened to spill, but he fought back the urge. The knights already had enough reason to mock him; he didn’t want crying in front of them to be another.

The first knight grinned wider. He pushed himself away from the curled up form on the ground and circled around to the other side of him. He grabbed Virgil under the shoulder where the arrow was still implanted into it, before seemingly like he had a better idea. “Hold the witch down,”‌ he said to the other two. “Roll it over onto its back.”

As he was pushed onto his back, Virgil’s eyes snapped back open, blurred as they were, and they locked on the first knight. They widened as he noticed the knight’s hand wrapping around the shaft of the arrow.

He’s going to pull it out. It’s going to get ripped out without care or precision.

Doing that, could ruin his shoulder for life. There was only so much healing magic could do when you weren’t skilled enough in the practice. The fact that the arrow itself was going to be ripped out the opposite way it had been shot in made his stomach churn.

“N-no!”‌ Virgil had finally found his voice, but the demand came out weaker than he had anticipated it. The three men above him didn’t seem to care about his protest as the arrow was grabbed half a moment later. “W-wait, please! Don’t— don’t do this!‌ I’ll go back willingly…ju-just leave the arrow alone!”

“So, it talks,”‌ The second knight snarked, his hands tightening on his good shoulder. Virgil’s eyes frantically searched the features above him, the world beginning to darken in his terror. “It’ll only hurt for a few days.”

“Don’t worry though,” the knight said, giving an experimental tug on the arrow shaft, watching Virgil’s pained expressions carefully. “I’m sure you won’t live that long anyhow. So, perhaps, it’ll only hurt for the rest of your miserable life.”

Virgil tried to prepare himself for the feeling of something being torn out of his body, but nothing could have prepared him for the excruciating feeling that rippled through his entirety.

The arrow head had been so far embedded into his shoulder that it had nearly been poking out the other side. It had torn through layers of skin and had caused the wound to enlarge. More blood spilled from the gash and Virgil almost felt numb. So much agony was flushing through his body that he could hardly put two and two together.

He choked on his breathing, blood made another reappearance as he coughed, gagging at the unbelievable amount of torment.

It only made the knights howl with laughter, looking down at the witch. He wasn’t a big kid, in fact Virgil was actually remarkably small for someone his age. His short stature only made it easier for the knights to keep him trapped.

Virgil gasped, trying to find a way to steady himself enough to process just what exactly was happening to him.

Die.

The word was so sudden and startling that he almost couldn’t fathom the meaning of it.

You are going to die.

Everything that had happened in his life was going to be rendered meaningless. As if he had never done anything at all. There was no one left to remember him.

They’re going to kill you right here, right now so the King will reward them as heroes.

He squeezed his eyes shut, tears finally spilling over. He choked on a sob and shook his head, trying to get them off. Trying to get them to let him go. Trying to do something that could possibly save his life. Anything.

You’re going to die and there is nothing you can do about it.

His mind was alive and buzzing, but numb and everything was confusing and he couldn’t see straight, he could hardly breathe. There was so much assault happening to him that his senses couldn’t comprehend everything. From the sharp, stinging pain in his shoulder that was going to kill him if he didn’t get it treated to the electric buzzing going on inside his head from the constant movement and chatter, or even when it came to noticing the quaking in the ground that hadn’t been there before.

Wait.‌‌ What the holy hell was that?

“I didn’t think witches understood human emotions,” the first knight said, snapping the arrow between his two hands and tossing it to the side idly.

He seemed to be the only knight that hadn’t honed in on the difference in the air around them. The way the ground kept shaking in a steady and oddly familiar pattern. It was timed and paced, but shook with a passion. It felt like…like… oh.

Oh no.

No, no no no!

Virgil was too scared to open his eyes, knowing that his consciousness was just barely holding on. It was only a matter of time before it was over for all of them. Seeing through the blood loss and tears wouldn’t help either, but he knew what was coming. He knew that it was way worse than what the knights had in store for him.

“L-let me go!” He grit out, almost trying harder but with his strength failing him, he sounded pathetic.

“Now, why would we do something like that?” The knight crooned. “We caught you and now we’re going to fulfill our duty to the King.”

“No!”‌ Virgil’s voice verged on shrill. “You— you don’t get it!”

The footsteps were getting closer, more prominent. The earth shook with every footfall and the force rattled through him as he was laying flat on the ground.

It was then that the knight seemed to realize what was happening. The first knight was turning to see something he did not want to see.

“What?” The knight barked in surprise, immediately on his feet with his sword drawn. The other two followed suit leaving Virgil on his back, heaving with gasps and anguish.

Just as the knight had gotten the word out, the darkness slid over them, casting the four humans into its shadow.

Virgil knew that it wasn’t a cloud blocking the sun; it was something far worse.‌ Far more dangerous.‌ Something that made him want to be dragged away by the knights and thrown in front of the king. He’d rather that then suffer a death at the hands of a giant.

“Now isn’t this quite the sight,”‌ the rumbling voice from overhead made Virgil flinch further into himself, keeping his eyes screwed shut. He had already memorized the faces of his other tormentors, he didn’t need to see this one too. “The King’s men, supposedly meant to protect the citizens of the Kingdom, attacking one of their own.”

“A‌ witch!”‌ The knight barked, his hold on his sword wavering, terror eating away at his insides. It was obvious how frightened he was, but the stubbornness within him refused to let it show. “It is no member of our society!”

Roman scoffed, his eyes locked on the quivering little form on the ground. “I don’t want to assume, but I‌ would believe the witch would prefer to be addressed as a he not an it.”

The knight threatened to take a step towards the witch again, but Roman moved forward more, to match in confidence and challenge the knight. Giving more of a protective loom over the group of three knights.

“Witch or not, he is still a person,” The giant said, a growl just under the tone of his voice. “Or is that too hard for your bitty human brains to understand?”

The second knight reeled back from that, looking white in the face. His terror was clear to read. The third knight was harder, but the quivering of the blade showed real fear. The knight that was still talking back just seemed to be an idiot.

The first knight met the giant’s eyes, fearless and stupid. “I suppose that means monsters stick together.”

A sharper look filled Roman’s eyes, almost immediately the aura darkened, and he leaned down so much so that they were nearly at eye-level. He hovered just over them to assert his dominance in the situation. To further assert himself, he planted his hands on both sides of the group of knights—even though he was carefully aware of where the little witch was cowering, sobbing, bleeding out and shit I‌ have to deal with these fools quick.

So, he focused all of that irritation and frustration into staring, unwavering, at the knights in front of him. Their swords were nothing compared to him. Humans were absolutely nothing compared to him. “Keep using language like that and I will scrape you across the forest floor like old gum.”

Finally, that got the reaction he had been wanting. He wanted fear, and he wanted them to regret stepping into his part of the woods and torturing an innocent person—witch or not—as if they could get away with it. As unbelievably angry as he was, he knew that he would have to treat the little human and his injuries.

“I’m going to give you a single chance to leave without getting hurt,” he said, voice dangerously low. ‌A menacing snarl that reverberated through his chest and rumbled around them like a thunderstorm waiting to happen. “Get out of here. Now.”

The two other knights had no problem sticking their swords into their sheathes and bolting in the same way they came, their armour clanging together as they escaped. The first knight held his ground, but when chocolate brown eyes stayed locked on him, unrelenting and cold and unsympathetic, the knight felt his heart jump into his throat for the first time. He took an unsteady breath and his resolve shattered when he watched Roman bare his teeth in a sneer at him.

It took nothing for him to scamper off in the same direction as his colleagues.

Now, with the threats gone, he could pay some attention to the witch that was still bleeding out on the ground.

His hands moved from their defensive position, that he had been using to keep himself upright, to one that was encompassing the little human. Curled around the tiny shivering form as if to protect him and ward off any further predators that intended to harm.

“Hey,” his voice was softer, as quiet as he could get it to be without causing more alarm. Perhaps after everything though, Roman would still be registered as a threat because of what the witch had just witnessed. He watched the tiny form flinch away from the sound, one hand moving to cover the gaping wound on his shoulder. “This might not sound all that…reassuring, but you don’t have to be afraid of me.”

The witch gave the tiniest shake of his head in a clear and obvious distrusting “no,” but his eyes remained screwed shut. The human’s hands were smeared in his own blood, the ripped white shirt he was wearing had been stained crimson with the thick liquid.

Biting into his lower lip, Roman let his gaze flicker. The creature was obviously in a great amount of pain and he seemed to be losing consciousness. “I‌ know you have no reason to trust me, but would it help if you knew my name?” Without an answer, he was sure the human was starting to doze but he needed him awake. So, talking to him was the only rational thing that came to mind. “My name’s Roman. I know this is an odd way to meet someone, but it makes for an interesting origin story, don’t you think?”

The witch groaned up at him and for a moment, he thought they were actually communicating, only to be let down—unsurprisingly—when the human didn’t react anymore than that.

While he wanted to get him patched up as soon as possible without moving him, as that could agitate the wound further (or so Logan said), Roman needed to get the human back to his home. There, he had medicines and remedies that would help begin the healing process. And, if the knights were right and the human was a witch, he should know some healing spells himself, too.

Quickly making up his mind, knowing that he couldn’t leave the half-conscious human here by himself to go and retrieve medical supplies, he began to close his hands around the tiny form before pausing. The human hadn’t even looked at him once and Roman didn’t want to startle him by just suddenly grabbing him and hefting him high into the air.

“I’m gonna have to move you, alright?‌ That way I‌ can take you back to my place and my friend and I‌ can get you all fixed up,”‌ Roman chattered at him quietly, explaining his plan while also asking for permission. “That way you’ll be right as rain in a couple days. Will you let me do that?”

The witch made a small noise and Roman was ready to roll with that, when instead it opened its mouth. He held his breath, wanting to make sure he didn’t miss anything important.

“…nuh.”

It sounded like a no but even knowing that the creature didn’t want to be moved, Roman couldn’t just leave it here to die. At least, not in good conscience.

His shoulders drooped and he couldn’t do it. “Sorry little buddy,” he said quietly, the apology doubled as a warning.

It seemed the witch understood that much as the eyes fluttered open lazily. The brown eyes were glazed over, that much was obvious to tell. The little one was watching but Roman didn’t think he was actually seeing. Or if he was even able to connect what was happening right now to reality. The little thing had to be inches away from death and, if worse came to worse and Roman couldn’t save him, at least the human would be in safe company when he passed.

Refusing to let that thought rule his motivations, he carefully scooped his palms underneath the tiny being, incredibly savvy to how he cried out with such a heartbreaking noise. The little one was absolutely petrified.

Heart crawling up into his throat, Roman cupped the human between his two hands and lifted the little one off of the ground and out of its puddle of blood, into the cupped bowl of his palms.

The human groaned in agony and Roman was quick to coo to him, making small comforting noises in the back of his throat. Trying to make the awful situation better as he rose to his feet. “Shh, shh. I know, little one, I‌ know,” he soothed, “I know it hurts but I’m going to get you back home and I’m going to get you all patched up. I’m not gonna hurt you, you’ll be okay.”‌

He felt so horribly guilty that he hadn’t heard the commotion earlier. He knew it wasn’t right to blame himself for this, but he couldn’t help it. Not with how the witch was trying to focus on him, only to let his eyes slip closed.

It looked as though he was ready to accept his fate.

Roman couldn’t let him do that—not without at least trying first.

“You’re okay,”‌ he hushed the tiny human, “no one’s gonna hurt you again. You’re safe with me, I‌ swear it.”‌

Roman looked up briefly to make sure he was heading in the direction that would lead him home, before focusing back down on the form in his hands.

“I’ll take real good care of you.” His voice was nearly a whisper, a silent vow as the human began to drift off into full unconsciousness. “I‌ promise.”

#Brook writes #Sanders Sides #g/t #giant #tiny #giant/tiny #infinitesimal!sides #TSSides #Virgil Sanders #Roman Sanders #Logan Sanders #Prinxiety #Platonic Prinxiety #Logince #Human!Virgil #Witch!Virgil #Giant!Roman #Remus Sanders #Deceit Sanders #Remus tw #Deceit tw #gore #blood #swearing #fear #fainting #fire #disturbing imagery #disturbing language #Thorns and Arrows

[sonicringbond]

Sonic Ring Bond: The Journey - Scene 24

And it’s finally Saturday! That means we have a new update for the story. A little more action in this scene than some of the prior ones, and also a bit more story seeding. Somewhere buried deep in the background I do have an actual plot and this scene will hint at it yet a little bit more. But instead of me talk about it, enjoy for yourself...

    ~I was right about the mountains being perfect for running. Hidden crags and land bridges where Rings gathered and waited to be collected were everywhere. Places where I could run loop-de-loops if I so desired and winding caves both small and massive. Of course, with Draw on my back I couldn’t enjoy it at all. It’s almost been that way the whole time out here.

    ~But I can’t complain.

    ~Like me, someone else out here is having it hard so I just need to get to them as fast as I can. Ooh~! It’d be so much easier if I was running on my own, or not. Having Draw hold a Ring in front of me so I can dowse their location is a big help while running at these speeds.~

    “I-I-I don-don’t see, h-how th-this i-is h-helping!” Draw fought to say as Rosy’s incredible speeds left him bobbing and desperately trying not to be scratched up by Rosy’s spines. Holding the Ring he could not even hold on tightly for dear life. As he had no real perspective of how fast Rosy could get, it would have shocked him that she was not even running at half of the top speed she could manage without having to fight her clumsiness.

    “Well, I got the call for help after giving my cards a Ring so it makes sense to use a Ring to find them,” Rosy tried to explain, but she was skipping across falling stalactites in one particular cave before bursting back out on the mountain side meadows and could not dedicate more time to Draw than that.

    How far they ran was difficult to tell as Rosy’s path was anything but straight, and several clouds had obscured their surroundings on more than one occasion. One far larger cloudbank became as a fog, crackling with electricity and Draw could feel his hair stand on end. The phenomenon would have simply excited Rosy instead if she were not in such a hurry, but traveling well below the speed of sound her ears picked up another reason to be wary.

    “Now what?” Draw asked as Rosy came to a stop and let him off her back. Unsteadily trying to find his footing he offered Rosy no resistance as she took the Ring he held in both of her hands.

    “Quiet please Draw,” Rosy asked as she closed her eyes and focused on the Ring and her surroundings.

    Doing as she said, Draw also imitated her twitching ears and turned his to his fog hidden surroundings. Beyond the crackling of electricity tearing through the air, he could hear machinery somewhere not far off.

    “I wonder what type of machines those are?” Draw queried as he turned in the direction he believed they were coming from. “They don’t sound very large…”

    “Let’s go find out,” Rosy suggested with a smile as she let the Ring vanish into her body. “Whoever needs our help should be over that way too. Maybe they just got stuck and need a hand.”

    “Or worse since they’re about to meet you,” Draw joked and earned a pout from Rosy.

    “Ooh~! You really are so mean sometimes Draw!”

    ~I know he didn’t mean any harm by it. He was just having a little fun. But still.

    ~Regardless we did not linger in the fog and with Draw on my back again we hurried ahead to see what awaited us. It was not what I was expecting, but it wasn’t far off either. Machines the size of what we were hearing, I had too many encounters with mean ones before.~

    Bursting out of a cloud bank Rosy and Draw were afforded view of another beautiful mountain meadow on the side of a mountain. But the bleating of frightened sheep and the clanging of steam powered machinery made for a cacophonic discrepancy to the scene’s beauty.

    “What are those!”

    Pointing as best he could, Draw attempted to bring Rosy’s eyes to the source of the mechanical ruckus and fear of the sheep. Seeing a plethora of two-legged and four-legged brass machines that resembled clockwork imitations of the stone golems throughout the land, Rosy whined out her response.

    “Robots! Why are there robots here!”

    “Robots? Draw asked and looked at Rosy curiously. “You mean like automata?”

    “But they look like golems too~! So maybe they’re robo-golems!”

    “I think autogolem makes more sense,” Draw countered. “Either way, they’re golems so put me down so I can get to work.”

    “Wha–?” Rosy looked back confused.

    Draw was already attempting to break free and Rosy scrambled to an awkward stop and slid on her face through the grass. Whining as she sat up on her knees, she saw Draw was already drawing back a notched arrow.

    “Draw, wait! Do you even know where to shoot?”

    “It should be fine,” Draw assured Rosy and eyed the forehead of an autogolem on the far side of the grouping. “If they’re golems it shouldn’t matter.”

    *Thwip*

    Draw’s arrow flew nearly true, a rising wind taking it off course and past the framework of one autogolem into its inner gears and cogs. The automaton locked up for a moment and jerked about violently before the wood shaft was crushed by the gears and the stone head fell away. Looking down at the arrow for a moment, the autogolem soon lifted its head up to see where it came from.

    Spotting Rosy and Draw, its glowing green eyes flared red for a long moment and soon all the autogolems stopped what they were doing to turn and look at the two travelers.

    “I think you made it angry,” Rosy nervously laughed while poking at her mouth.

    “It would have been fine if the wind didn’t pick up just then,” Draw dismissed the growing threat that was starting to approach them. In fact, he began to walk towards them. “I just need to get closer. Or use an explosive arrow. That old tower had the supplies to make some more.”

    “Eh?” Rosy gasped in questioning panic. “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Draw! If you fire one of those–”

    “Don’t worry,” Draw smiled confidently at Rosy, “you can outrun my arrows, can’t you?”

    “What~!” Rosy exclaimed loudly but didn’t trust Draw’s smile and bolted for the golems

    Building speed, she leapt up into the air and curled into a tight ball. Compared to when Draw’s arrow struck them, Rosy was a force of wanton destruction and bits of shredded metal and clockwork flew every as she collided with the autogolems.

    Uncurling and skidding to a stop, Rosy looked around desperately for signs of anyone who had been trapped by the machines. She did not see anyone, and the sudden explosion from Draw’s next arrow made it even more difficult.

    “Draw~!”

    Whining out in frustration was not going to help, and Rosy forced herself to quickly bash and pull apart as many autogolems as she could to slow Draw’s next shot. As she scrambled about trying to do what Sonic made look so easy, she also kept her eyes open for signs of the errant victim who had called for help. Even with the autogolems falling quickly, Rosy could not see any sign of someone in danger. ‘Yet these mean old robots looked like they were picking on someone.’

    Soon, the last autogolem fell and Rosy was joined by Draw in the devastation they left. Draw wore a satisfied expression but Rosy had puffed up her cheeks to the point that her face was red and her eyes were watering.

    “What’s wrong now you weirdo girl?”

    “Stop calling me names!” Rosy snapped. “That was really dangerous and we both could have gotten hurt!”

    “I thought Rings kept you safe?”

    “They do,” Rosy confirmed, and would have offered a counterpoint but trailed off wordless as her anger subsided. There was no sign of anyone in need of rescuing and Rosy knew Draw would argue if she mentioned that the victim could have gotten hurt. “Oh phooey!”

    Kicking a dismantled autogolem body away, Rosy huffed about looking for any signs of a person being present. She already knew there was no one, and her curiosity was defusing her bad mood faster than her feet carried her. Eventually she just had to ask. “I wonder what was powering them. I didn’t see any gems like the normal golems. Maybe it was Rings?”

    “That would mean we just broke a bunch of stuff of the Engineers,” Draw mused teasingly. “First we ran off and now we wrecked their stuff. I guess that makes us enemies now.”

    “What! No! I’m sure they’ll understand if I explain everything.”

    “But will they believe you? Fortune tellers aren’t known for being reliable.”

    “My cards never lie to me! Someone needed help! And I’m sure… I’m sure we helped them.”

    Confident as Rosy tried to be, she slumped down to her knees. She knew someone was calling for help. She knew her dowsing was not wrong either. This was where she was supposed to be.

    “Maybe I should consult–?”

    Pausing as she reached for her shoulder puff, Rosy noticed an odd brass sphere on the ground amid the wreckage. Reaching down she picked it up and studied it for a moment. It was nothing particularly special, but there were odd patterns engraved into. It made Rosy think of, “…a seal?”

    With a twist of her wrists Rosy popped open the sphere at its center and light like the color of Rings emerged from within.

    ~But it wasn’t Rings that powered the robot golems. I wasn’t really sure what it was. It had a teardrop shaped head with a ball of some kind floating above the tip. Really, all it was was a head that was small enough to look lonely in my palm with pretty gossamer wings that didn’t seem connected to it either. Yet it flew and looked at me with large eyes, glowing a color that matched its body and Rings. I hadn’t known it at the time, but that was my first ever encounter with a fairy.~

Scene 24 · CLEARED A Tiny Voice, End

-----

And there we go, another scene and week wrapped up. And yup, that is a Sonic and the Black Knight fairy. I had debated for a while if I was going to use them or not, but things have gone in a direction that allows for it so I’ve added one to the story. The next scene will be focusing more on how it ties into our little traveling party and being more character focused than anything.

I hope you enjoyed and are looking forward to the next scene! Thank you everyone!

-----

Special Thanks to Cutegirlmayra Story by @JoshTarwater/SonicFanJ Inspiring Song – What Makes the Sky Blue – Tsutomu Narita – Granblu Fantasy Original Soundtrack: Promise

Fair Use Disclaimer

Sonic the Hedgehog and all affiliated characters and logos are the express property and Copyright© of SEGA SAMMY HOLDINGS used without permission under Title 17 U.S.C Section 107 of the Copyright Act 1976 in which allowance is made for “fair use” for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. “Fair use” is use permitted by copyright statute that might otherwise be considered copyright infringement. The Sonic Ring Bond: The Journey alternate universe (AU) consumer written work of fiction is a non-profit transformative work primarily for personal use and can and will be taken down without warning or prior notice at the request of the copyright holder(s) should it not be recognized under “fair use”.

*Sonic Ring Bond logo created by DEE Art – twitter.com/daryliscute.

Sonic Ring Bond AU and Sonic Ring Bond: The Journey are the creation of Joshua David Tarwater/ynymbus/sonicfanj/@Joshtarwater and is to be, including all contents herein considered for all legal purposes the property of the Sonic the Hedgehog intellectual property (IP) and copyright owners, SEGA SAMMY HOLDINGS. All story contributors via prompt, suggestion, written scene, art, and all and every other contribution acknowledge that all contributed material is forfeit for legal purposes to SEGA SAMMY HOLDINGS upon official request from SEGA SAMMY HOLDINGS.

#sonic the hedgehog #sonic fan fiction #sonic au #sonic au series #sonic ring bond #the journey #classic amy #amy rose #rosy the rascal #au amy #amy redesign #sonic oc #patch #draw the koala

[cosmictulips]

Good time, it's very nice to know you exist 🍵🛶🏰🪔🍯🍯🍯 I'm 18, T, libra sun, leo moon, cap ris. if u could help, that'd be a big thank you

recently I've been feeling kinda shut off from any type of spirituality, universe, can't trust my own mind because i don't want to make things up and go with a lie, not imagination play - a terrible lie to oneself. so, i can only trust others. been asking for a clear sign that i wouldn't doubt for as long as i can remember, and nothing... am i tryna knock on the door that wasn't meant for me? then i don't understand anything. i feel left out of my own life. i try pulling out any advice, but then, my intuition may be just wishful thinking. nothing i ever do comes as i intend. I've let go of logic, of expectations, but it feels like a one way communication. can't remember dreams. locked out of everything and losing hope. i don't think it's a wall i made. i don't want to make up a voice in my head, it is my biggest fear, i want to actually hear one.

so, one question - why am i being unanswered?

pun unintended

thank you in advance, you're very kind.

have a wonderful weekend, and every weekend some good news

Hey Friend =) I truly hope other people see this ask too because I think your ask is very important.  so I hope you don’t mind that I kind of get personal with you.  Truth be told,  I’ve been feeling the exact same way recently.  it’s happened when I was first starting out with the Craft -as I like to call it -  and it happens from time to time.  even now.  these past two weeks have been a wreck for me and it really feels like I haven’t been heard by the universe.  No, not heard.  I’ve been heard.  but to me, it feels like I’ve been deemed unworthy.   

And especially with divination,  reading for myself has always been wrong.  which is why I no longer trust reading for myself.  and I don’t particularly trust it when people say they read for themselves. because too me, how do you know you’re not lying to yourself? I always, always tell people to be careful because the universe can and WILL tell you what you want to hear.  it’s hard approaching divination with a very unbiased, neutral head.  and it’s kind of why I’ve fought some people over their readings.  people only ever project to others and to the univeres what they want. so if I or you were to tell them otherwise, it’s wrong. 

So you’re right to take a step back if it doesn’t feel right to you.  and here’s where I’m going to start contradicting myself a little bit here.  You need to start trusting yourself.  fully, undoubtedly and ruthlessly.  trust yourself so much that people almost think you’re full of arrogance.  and that’s the key word, almost. Be open minded enough to new ideas and to change the way you think of things.  but always, always trust yourself to know what is best for you. Only YOU are going to know the best route to take for yourself. 

I started being answered when I started trusting the guidance that was coming in for me.  I started to notice the little signs at first.  Notice any repeating numbers?  colors?  any certain phrases you hear too often? read too often?  is there an animal or group of animals that tend to show up at odd places?  slowly start to take notice of these things.   Also,  truly dig deep into what you believe in.  if you want to get into spirituality,  ask yourself why. what is it that you believe that matches that.   I got into it because I felt so alone in a church and no one was listening.  and for awhile, I was thrown in circles the minute I opened myself up to the universe.  but instead of blocking it out,  I kept pushing.  I kept trying to see the pattern, and I kept trying to change it. 

and that could be what’s happening for you.  I know you said that you think it’s not a wall you built. but darling, it is.   I think it comes from a fear you’re not ready to recognize yet.   it could be the fear of the unknown, it could be a fear of failure,  but you’ve built a wall.  

Spirituality is made for everyone.   It’s okay to have blocks,  to doubt your abilities and be unsure of whether or not the universe actually hears you.  the universe brought you to me.  so obviously it hears you.  =) 

but you cannot hear it and I think that’s what needs to change.  

So let me give you some advice on what I do when I begin to feel these blocks. like I have been recently. 

1. I pray to my gods.  you don’t have to be into worshiping gods.  you can simply pray to the universe like I did and still do from time to time.  You’ll know it’s listening when you feel the warmth of the sun, and the gentle breeze of the wind.  perhaps you’ll see an animal or two ;) my sister is a good example of this, she sees dogs everywhere when she’s looking for a sign from the universe lol.  2. I turn to divination.  My readings for myself may not be true but it’s good practice.  I also turn to other forms to try to grow in those skills as well.  Runes, bindrunes, automatic writing,  etc there’s SO MANY divination techniques.  tarot may not be your thing but scrying might be.  look around and see what fits.

3. I play hertz music.  I find that music really helps me out lol.  hertz is juts frequency waves set to a certain wave length so parts of ... our... ... so like our energy can pick up on it.  there’s a better explanation for it but for me, it really helps lol  4. I keep pushing.  even when it feels like I’m not being answered, and sometimes you won’t be answered. that’s the thing.  the universe wants you to better yourself. and to grow.  and sometimes that means trusting yourself to know where to go because it won’t give you an answer.  be brave, and go forward. 

I’ll go more into what I want you to do, but let me pull out your cards first so you finally have a reading lolol.  

So for you I pulled the Lovers, Strength, The Sun and the Knight of Pentacles. with the Ace of Cups as the overall energy. 

so it’s really what I’ve been saying lol.  The knight of pentacles here is telling me to move slowly.  it’s okay that things don’t make sense to you right off the bat.  Patience is a virtue here.   Going into your craft, your practice,  it’s okay to question things.  spirituality is a lot different than most religions so coming from a different place and settling into a new one can be tough.  it requires a lot of change.  and that tends to scare some people.  Ya know?  we’re all so used to hearing different things -mostly bad-  about sprituality and how it’s all “fake”  but darling,  dipping your toes in and slowly breaking the surface is how everyone starts out.  Once you get comfortable with the idea and with your own intuition the fun will begin. 

Next you have the Lovers, Strength and the Sun.  This is telling me you need to let yourself love.  bring courage and strength into this.  It’s going to take you loving yourself,  being confident in yourself and going forth even if it seems fake.  does that make sense?  You might have a mental illness. I’ve got some strong anxiety that borders on paranoia.   Okay,  but in my heart of hearts I knew this was the call for me because I’ve seen too much shit to not believe spirituality wasn’t my path.  so I forced myself to be more confident in my abilities.  I forced myself to be open to the universe even if it felt like I was talking to a wall.  I forced myself to sit down and learn divination and kept a dream journal even if most nights there was nothing but darkness.

and you need to bring that to yourself.  if you are serious about this,  learn to open yourself to the universe.  In the beginning I had to lie to myself.  it’s just what it is.  but the more I connected to the universe,  and the more I began to trust my intuition,  the more the lying ceased to happen.  because suddenly it was true.  suddenly those signs told me I was on the right path.  and suddenly everything I was studying made sense.  given time it will make sense for you as well. 

People, including me,  are telling you what you already know.  You just don’t trust yourself to hold onto those words.  you don’t trust yourself enough to put that same love into you and out into the universe.  and maybe you’re afraid of getting hurt.  being vulnerable to the universe does mean that sometimes we go through rough patches.  we have to break old cycles for new ones to begin. but much like the Lovers,  once you make that choice to love and be loved,  you will shine. 

The ace of cups tells me there is something new coming for you.  but you have to choose to let it happen okay?  you have to stop thinking you’re not good enough and that you’re not being heard.  because you are... because you’re here talking to me ;)   the universe wouldn’t have sent you to me if that wasn’t the case.  and I think a part of you knows that. 

so here’s what I want you to do.  Take the first steps.  Start keeping a dream journal.  the only way we as humans can recall our dreams is if we’re actively thinking of them when we first wake up.  that means no media ;)  lay there and think about what you dreamed.  Like last night I had a dream I set the house on fire and was crying that I lost a textbook.  idk, it was weird lol.  dreams don’t have to make sense.   write them down.  keep a glass of water by your bed. for some reason it helps. 

If you’re gonna sit there and tell me but you’ve tried everything, try again ;) try it from a new perspective.  instead of going in all “this is going to fail”  think of it as “this has already worked once and I’m doing it again to better myself”  

let your confidence shine.  I had to lie to myself everyday until I finally believed I was a decent human being.  I still struggle with it but damn have I gotten noticed by more people who tell me that I literally shine like the sun.  people notice your changes.  some of us just won’t say it ;) that being said, be prepared to fight for your beliefs. 

Learn what your beliefs are. Learn to defend them.  because the universe does not take this journey lightly.  the minute you start to doubt that you’re ever made for this, is going to be the second it closes on you until you force yourself to try again.  much like how we’re both in this spot now ;) trust and KNOW that the universe wants what is best for you.  

Tap into your higher self and your shadow self.  work on what needs to be healed and what your higher self wants for you to do.  this could literally be anything from getting therapy, to doing art, to listening to music, to talking to people who have hurt you.  like it’s endless but it helps.  

Lastly,  understand that these things take time.  You have some major energy wanting to work with you.  you need to start trusting yourself more, and letting down that wall. you built it, you can destroy it.  

I don’t hear a voice telling me which way to go.  I get feelings.  very strong ones.  that I’ve had to learn are different from my anxiety.  In the beginning that meant I had to pretend to ignore the feeling to see what the reaction would be.  when something happened and I knew it was going to happen,  I knew what I had felt was my intuition. 

Learn to recognize what is your instinct and what is your intuition. my instinct is that my hands get a little shaky and I can’t stop moving around.  my intuition keeps me still.  it’s quick and alert.  for you it could be something different.  you might actually hear a voice.  

I’m willing to work with you if you want me to.  I’ve been in that exact same situation and form time to time I feel the same way.  it’s never about the destination, it’s always the journey.

You’ve got this.  You know you do.  break down the wall,  and come join us ;) I hope this helps sorry for the long.... long post lmao If you ever need anything, please reach out =) 

#free tarot reading #tarot reading

[newwayastrology]

AN ACTUAL CONSULTATION EXAMPLE I get requests sometimes for the cliet to tape the consultation. I usually tell them that there will be no need for a tape because they will remember the one or two main points shown in the horoscope. In this case, the client said that she was going to take my Course and that listening to her own consultation might be of benefit later on down the line. She taped it and then wrote it out for me to use for instruction. This is it below: The first thing I always do is look for a hemisphere emphasis. The hemisphere emphasis is like the introduction to a book. It gets you in the ballpark of what to expect. Everything in a chart is within the context of the hemisphere emphasis. Here, it is northern and that immediately introduces a parental concern. Seeing that there is a parental concern, you look for corroboration and that is easy to see with the 4th House activity and the close square between the Sun and Moon, which is always an indication of parents who were not on the same page during conception, around the time of birth, or just in general. All parental rulers are involved in tension so there’s little doubt here that there was a substantive parental concern to discuss in this consultation. Whenever there is a parental concern, there is a psychological pattern that follows in real life that brings in self-esteem concerns, a delay in finding out just who one is in life (causes a lot of mistakes to be made; this is seen when the ruler of the Ascendant is involved in tension or is retrograde)) and it all usually spills out in relationships with people, especially personal relationships. This is psychiatry, real life expectations. The 2nd House (self-esteem) has obvious tension shown between the rulers of the 2nd House and 5th House, as well as the rulers of those Houses. What does that tell us? First, an explanation. In a Natural horoscope (has Aries on the Ascendant, Taurus on the 2ndm Gemini on the 3rd, etc), the 2nd House is always square to the 5th House. The 5th House is one’s sexual identity. It’s where we look to see if there are any challenges giving love. So, when there are planets involved that tie these Houses together, we expect that there is something about the way this woman feels about herself that causes a challenge of some kind when it comes to giving love. Let’s break it down with significator dynamics. The Moon is square the Sun and Saturn. This incorporates the 1st, 2nd, and 7th Houses – delay in identity realization, self-esteem, and relationships. We start to get the beginnings of a theme. The Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in the 2nd squares Venus. It refers to overdoing things, relationally and sexually. When Venus and Pluto are in hard aspect, there is usually a relational perspective that causes problems for the person because it is out of line with what’s possible in that person’s reality. The sexual identity is the 5th House. What happens to that identity during sex with someone else is shown through the 8th House. The 8th is ruled by Uranus and Uranus trines Venus and has no tension. So, this leads us to believe that she is just fine when she is having sex with someone else. The issue here is what she brings to the table when it comes to giving love. Mars squares the Ascendant, exactly……anger taken in from the early home. Mercury-Neptune in 4 equates to idealism/confusion in the home. Now, I check to see if there is anything at the Sun/Moon midpoint. There is nothing contacting it but it is at the Aries Point, which means a projection of ego and relational things that is worn on the sleeve for all to see. I also see Venus=Ura/ASC=Mars/Ura=Sun/Node. It’s all relational/sexual stuff. The Sun-Moon-ASC blend of Scorpio-Leo-Cancer suggests a deeply privately, controlling emotional life energy that is expressed through a personality that needs recognition and it is all expressed through an emotional security-seeking image. You’d expect a person with a strong sense of purpose with fixed emotions that easily dramatize sexual or sensational matters. Expectations of fulfillment from others is strong, especially when it comes to ego security and love needs. Notice the red marks in the aspect grid. They are quintiles. When there are multiple quintiles, creativity needs to be important, if nothing more than in a serious hobby. Quite often, it is a part of or focus on creativity in the job or career. One midpoint picture, Sun=Mer/Ven, is another indication of creativity. The period on the end of the sentence is Neptune conjunct Mercury. This is a decided, emphasized creativity…a strong focus of imagination. It also refers to confusion at home. Plu=Ven/Sat really, really emphasizes the relational/sexual control factors shown in the chart. Then, on the other hand, there is Mars=Ven/Plu, a very sexual midpoint. And, Ven=URA/Mc=Mars/ASC. I have three concerns to address with her: parents, self-esteem, relationships/sex. THE CONSULTATION Me: Thanks for being exactly on time. Even though this is Skype, it is good to meet you. We are going to have a great discussion today. Her: I am excited. My goodness, what a sexy voice you have. I would be standing over your shoulder if we were married. (laughs). I know how these women are out here. (That statement from her immediately told me that her issues relationally are because she is controlling and she is controlling because she is insecure. She is insecure because the relationship model she got from home through her parents is dysfunctional). Me: Thank you. I have received voice compliments my entire life but you didn’t pay me to talk about my voice so let’s get to you. In a nutshell, the central energy of this horoscope is probing, passionate, deeply emotional and needs to have control by knowing everything. This basic energy is expressed through a personality that needs recognition and ego security. All of this is expressed to others who don’t know you very well through an emotional, nurturing image. In a nutshell, this horoscope suggests that you come from a parental situation that wasn’t necessarily fulfilling and functional. From this, you absorbed feelings that created self-esteem concerns that affect your life intensely when it comes to relationships and sex. As well, there is anger absorbed from the parental situation that probably caused you to make a lot of errors in life before you finally understood who you are. Let’s begin with you telling me about your parents. Her: They fought all the time and I mean physically. I have seen them hit each other a million times and they’ve been married 25 years! Me: What do you think you took from their relationship? Her: I’m a real bitch. I was married and divorced three times by the time I was 21 years old. I don’t take no shit. (Rulers of the 1st and 7th in conflict) Me: Your libido is strong or does it suffer from all this anger you’ve absorbed and make things difficult when it comes to being intimate? Her: My libido is overwhelming. I have been to Sexaholics Anonymous for it. There was a time when I couldn’t even wipe myself after a pee without masturbating. It’s nothing for me to come a dozen times a day masturbating. And, during sex, hell, a kiss on the neck makes me cum. I am very multi-orgasmic, even explosive. I squirt like a urination. Me: So, then, would you say that you are controlling, sexually speaking? (Saturn means being controlled or being controlling.) Her: Unfortunately, yes. There was one time when I had a real bad day at work. My boyfriend had a root canal that day. When I got home, he was just trying to deal with the beginnings of pain but I needed to get laid. I didn’t at all care about his feelings. I want what I want when I want it. I guess I am controlling, huh? I knew I was wrong. His jaw was swollen and everything but I needed to cum and that’s all I cared about. Me: It’s good that you understand that you were wrong in retrospect. The idea is to be thoughtful BEFORE an act, not afterwards. Tell me about the importance of creativity in your life. Please, at least say you have a creative hobby. And, oh yea, what did that guy do? Her: By the time I got done giving him head, he forgot about his pain and did me. When I came in from work the next day, he was gone and had taken all of his stuff. Creativity? I manage a clothing design company. I approve or reject all designs and I am responsible for the prudent use of an 8-figure budget. Even at home with sex, I am very creative. I like to play games. I like to find ways to bring a man almost to “that point” and then stop and go watch TV or something. Then, I’ll get him again and stop. I start this on Friday night and do it again on Sunday. By the time Sunday comes, he is about to lose his mind. Creativity underscores everything I do. You are good and your wife is lucky. All you’d have to do is talk to me and I would climax. Me: You are a mess. What a flirt but ya know, that is what you do to try and control the room. It rescues your fragile sense of self-esteem but no matter how many sexual conquests you have, you still aren’t comfortable looking in the mirror, right? Her: Like I said, you are good. Sex rescues me. I suck at relationships but I am a champion with sex. Me: Have you ever considered therapy to address these buried feelings of anger, the fractured self-esteem and the rest? Her: Really? Do you think it will help? Me: Absolutely. There are some things in the depth of you that you need to address and understand so that you can be more productive, relationally-speaking. Plus, the pain. You have a confident personality but we both know that you are as soft as water. All you did was teach yourself some behaviors that hide the pain. You don’t want anyone to know how very vulnerable you are to suggestions that offer emotional security. The perfect situation for you is having a great family that is very secure with a husband who treats you like a queen. Her: You are trying to make me cry, right? Me: No, you are trying to prevent yourself from showing real emotion. You’ll show sexual emotions because you control those scenarios but when sex is removed, you become an actress because your model for relationships is based on terminally feuding parents. You’ve got to be comfortable with who you are and understand that you were a victim in the traffic pattern of your parents. They didn’t fight because of you. They had issues before you were born. Did either of them have a great upbringing? Her: You are scary. No, neither one of my parents had both parents. You just went to my soul. I feel naked. Well, look…..is there anything major showing for the rest of this year? Me: Not at all. But don’t let that get in the way of therapy. Her: Okay. I am embarrassed about the flirting with you but really, your voice is heavenly. I know I am not the first woman to say it. It’s just the truth. You can’t possibly have any more to talk about with my chart. If you do, too bad. Nothing else is important. I’m going to seek out someone to talk to professionally. I don’t want to continue this way just being a nice piece of ass for men. I want something meaningful. I don’t want to have to offer sex just to snuggle with someone on Christmas Eve, you know? Me: Let me know how the therapy goes. We covered the main theme of your horoscope. If you were with another astrologer, you might get a lot of information that isn’t really helpful. I go straight for the jugular. Most people have one or two major issues that, if cleared up, work wonders for fulfillment in life. Get that therapy, okay? Her: I will. One last thing…..tonight, thinking about your voice is…. ME:…..JUST STOP. You are insane. See ya. Her: (laughing) Okay. Bye.

[cooperjones2020]

Nobodies Nobody Knows, chp. 4

Summary: She is the lamp in Hero’s tower, the scissors in Delilah’s hand, the blood in Guinevere’s bed. She is a million and one metaphors and all of them are his undoing. (Some of the scenes from Second City but from Jughead’s perspective. More a character exercise than a story.)

ao3–>http://archiveofourown.org/works/11434950/chapters/25935420

Nobodies Nobody Knows one / two / three 

Second City one / two / three / four / five (ao3)

“Okay, let’s get back to Sweetwater Subtext for a second. As we’ve said, The Final Fissure had an obvious ending point with the reveal of the murderer. I know you can’t give me any spoilers, but what’s next for these characters? Will there be a third entry in this series?”

“Unclear.” She looks at him then, confused, he thinks. Fair enough, so is he. He has no idea what he’s projecting, what signals she is receiving that he may or may not intend.

“Oh. Um, okay. Any idea what does come next then?”

“Well, The Final Fissure is gonna be a TV show. We’re still working out if I’m going to be involved, though right now I’m leaning no.”

She moves to put up her hair and—he can’t be sure, but—he thinks he sees the lightest of tan lines on her left ring finger. His stomach bottoms out. It insists this is the Worst. Thing. Then his liver quips back, no it’s the Best. Thing. At that point his brain comes back online and shuts the conversation between his bodily organs down by reminding them that it’s actually a completely irrelevant thing cause this is a job anyway, not Betty back in his life. Also, it’s probably just the dim light in the bar. His stomach growls.

“Would you mind if we took a break? I could use some food.”

“Oh of course, I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize, I was just on a roll earlier and skipped dinner.”

“Jughead Jones voluntarily skipped a meal?”

“I wouldn’t call it voluntary. Sometimes the muse is actually a slave driver.”

When he has recovered, in no small part thanks to some fried pickles and mozzarella sticks, he says, “I didn’t mean it like that earlier. It’s just, I don’t know, I think it would be kind of weird if me and Archie talked about you. That whole same-ex-girlfriend thing.”

“You know, sometimes I even forget we dated. It was such a weird, hazy time in my life. I fought so hard for so long to be my own person, not Polly’s sister or Alice’s daughter. By the time senior year came around, I was tired of fighting everyone’s expectations. Veronica was back in New York, you were on the south side. We were the only two left, of the core four, and it just made sense, you know? So we went to the back to school dance together, and then homecoming, and then winter formal. And before you know it was prom and we’d been dating for eight months.”

“I always thought you two would get married and have the 2.5 kids and white picket fence thing. You know, even when we were dating, I think I thought that in the back of my mind.”

She rolls her eyes at him. “I know. It wasn’t in the back of your mind. I seem to recall a certain speech in a certain red-headed person’s garage at a certain other person’s birthday party.”

“God, I’m never going to live that one down. Once I managed to go an entire eleven months without thinking about it, and then the memory just crept back in. Here, Jughead, you think you’re making progress on your social skills, well remember this?” He feels his sympathetic nervous system begin to stir just at the memory.

“Well that was never in the cards for me and Archie, and I didn’t want it to be. Dating him was just…comforting you know? Comfortable. And I could really use that then.”

“Do me a favor and promise me that you will never tell Archie that. You guys may be best friends and he may be ass over elbows for Veronica now, but no guy wants to know that sex with him was just comfortable.” That sounds light, teasing. Not like hypotheticals about her and Archie tortured him for years. Right?

Betty holds up a pinkie and waits for him to take it. “I promise.”

“I was surprised, when I walked into Mary’s and found you.”

“I had gathered that. Though you were probably no more surprised than I was.”

“What made you decide to move?” He’s wanted to ask her since that night. Has almost asked Mary a dozen times, but has chickened out each and every one.

“I was just so sick of New York, sick of my job. I was running on a cycle of adrenaline—benzodiazepines—caffeine—melatonin that was unsustainable. I got home from a stakeout one morning at 5 am and I realized I was doing important things for other people, breaking big stories, but as a result I missed out on doing important things for myself. I was making decisions I otherwise wouldn’t have made.

“Then I got a call from Cynthia—my editor—offering me the job here. It was a deus ex machina, just what I needed at just the right time dropped out of the sky. It felt like a good time to pull the rug out from under myself. To look for a new dream.” God preserve him from a girl who drops literary devices into everyday conversation.

“And that’s okay, you know? I feel like the hardest part is telling other people, people who knew me then. Like I’m afraid they’re going to think I’ve compromised, but I’m happy. Dreams change. Well, at least for most of us.” She bumps her elbow into his arm.

Weirdly, now he wants to hug her. Well, he’s wanted to hug her, to touch her, since she came in, as much as he’s also been terrified to. But he wants to tell her he’s proud of her. Which is dumb. She doesn’t need his pride. She doesn’t need anyone.

“I think you probably filled your quota of breaking big stories before you even left high school. I’m glad you realized you weren’t happy and did something about it.” He pauses and takes a big breath. “And I’m glad you’re here. Glad we could do this.”

She smiles his favorite smile at him, the one where the corners of her lips curve down. “Me too.”

“Polly said Jellybean works at Pop’s now.”

“Yeah, for about a year.”

“Does that mean you get free burgers?”

“No.” He wishes. “Only half-price. But yeah, she mentioned last week that Polly and your mom come in sometimes with the twins.”

“Yeah. Her and my mom have gotten a lot closer the past couple years. Since my dad died.”

“Oh, Betts, I’m sorry.” It’s not as hard to be sincere as he would have expected.

“It’s alright. He’d been sick for a while. We…made our peace with it. With each other. But you know what’s sick? My mom’s been happier since. Like thirty fucking years and I’m pretty sure they were both miserable almost the whole time. How do you get to the point where it’s not even worth trying to go after happiness?”

“Sometimes you fall into a pattern that isn’t worth the effort it would take to break. Not everyone is as brave as you. I’m certainly not. And they had other things they were living for. Polly. You. I think that’s something I’ve learned since FP got out. My mom died, too, before— well, before. I think that’s that one thing that really fucked my dad up. That he didn’t get a chance to make it right with her. I’m sure it’s why he’s been a model citizen ever since.”

“No, Juggie. He was always so proud of you. I’m sure it’s for you. For what you’ve done for him, and for Jellybean.”

His anecdote about Archie and the Thanksgiving mashed potatoes makes her laugh, and this reinsertion of Archie into the conversation seems to find the balance, to negate his earlier slip-up. Archie’s antics sound like childhood and friendship and fun, and the air around them now is thinner. He breathes easier. He thinks he manages to achieve that lightness, that ease that he fought so hard for earlier in the night.

She’s playing with her water glass, twisting it back and forth in her hand, when he remembers. There are no red marks or indentations, but he at least expects to see the silvery threads of her half-moon scars cutting across the palm of her hand. Maybe it’s the bad lighting again? Or his eyes. Honestly, probably his eyes at this point. She catches him staring.

“I don’t do that anymore. I…haven’t since college.”

“Can I ask what made you stop?” He resists the urge to cup and kiss her hands, like he did in a booth at Pop’s, all those years ago.

“I had to de-escalate. It didn’t work at first. I just switched to picking at my skin—my nails or acne or scabs. I still have pretty bad scars on my shoulders. But when I got to college, I was able to see a therapist who my mom couldn’t interrogate so that helped. She told me to hold an ice cube when I have the urge to do something destructive.”

He wants to confess something to her in return, wants her to know how much he appreciates her sharing these pieces of herself with him, of all people. But he’s afraid he’ll open a door he won’t be able to close again. So he just urges her to go on. “An ice cube?”

“Yeah, to cup it in the palm of my hand. Anyway, I’m a work in progress.” Her eyes jump from her hand to his face. “Wait. How did this turn into you interviewing me?”

“Well technically we’re still on our dinner break.”

“Okay, whatever.” She asks him a few more questions, but his mind is still on her hands and her battle scars and the memory of them in the booth at Pop’s.

“I should probably go home soon.” He doesn’t process her words until she stands and begins to pack up her bag.

When the check comes, she grabs it before he can. “Nope.” She elongates the word, lips popping on the p. “My interview, my expense report.”

He can’t convince her to get back on his motorcycle, so he makes her promise to let him know she’s gotten home safe. He swipes her phone, inputs his number, and closes the uber door behind her before she has a chance to protest.

He’s already home, laying on top of his bed with his clothes still on, when she texts: “home and locked in where the bad guys can’t get me.”

He shoots back: “don’t forget to check under the bed. sleep tight, betts.”

He grins at the darkened ceiling like an idiot and waits a long time for sleep to come.

#bughead fanfiction #riverdale fanfiction #bughead #betty cooper #jughead jones #riverdale #mine #second city

[kosa12-blog]

Inside Chris Cornell’s Lifelong Struggle With Fame: The Soundgarden Frontman Battled Demons as He Became a Rock God

Ask anyone yesterday, and the answer would have been that Chris Cornell had seemingly survived the sort of demons that had consumed so many rock 'n' roll stars before him, including fellow founding members of the very Seattle grunge scene that birthed Soundgarden in the 1980s. So when people started to wake up this morning to news that Cornell had died at the age of 52, the grief that started pouring out from his fellow artists and legions of fans was palpable. A few hours later an autopsy confirmed that Cornell had committed suicide by hanging himself. And as the tributes to his musical prowess are written—his was considered to be one of the greatest voices in rock, a booming yet nuanced voice capable of leading a headbanging frenzy in a packed stadium and commanding silence with an unplugged ballad—the feeling of shock will be unshakable. After all, he died in the middle of a tour, hours after Soundgarden performed at Detroit's Fox Theatre. Only in hindsight does Cornell's final bit of creative license onstage, mixing in a bit of Led Zeppelin's "In My Time of Dying" with his band's "Slaves & Bulldozers," seem fraught with meaning. Celebrity Deaths: 2017's Fallen Stars Though it's unclear whether he knew about Cornell's tribute, Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page tweeted upon hearing the news, "RIP Chris Cornell Incredibly Talented... Incredibly Young...Incredibly Missed." Sources told TMZ this morning that Cornell's wife of 13 years, Vicky Karayiannis, has been telling people around her that Chris had been showing no signs of depression, much less indicating he was suicidal in any way. Moreover, she reportedly said, it was unfathomable he would take his own life because he was so devoted to his three children, son Christopher and daughter Toni with Vicky and daughter Lillian Jean with his ex-wife, Susan Silver. And as far as any identifiable outward behavior went, that is often the case. Soundgarden, which had reunited in 2010 after more than a decade apart, was reportedly recording its first new album in five years. Audioslave, which Cornell formed with Tom Morello in 2001, played its first show together in 12 years just months ago for Prophets of Rage's political protest affair, the Anti-Inaugural Ball. Cornell even did a stage dive and was comfortably caught by dozens of outstretched hands.  Also a noted solo artist, the rocker had also just contributed the titular track for the film The Promise, set during the days leading up to the Armenian Genocide. (His solo pipes were quite sought after for movie soundtracks, notably including Singles, Great Expectations, Mission: Impossible 2 and Casino Royale.) Last month he shared a photo from his trip to Greece, where he visited a refugee camp  with the International Rescue Committee and brought his daughter Toni with him to the Vatican for a screening of The Promise. In 2015 when Cornell was on his solo Higher Truth tour, Toni joined him onstage at New York's Beacon Theater one night to cover Bob Marley's "Redemption Song," showing off her own impressively strong voice. (Asked what his advice would be if his kids wanted to pursue music careers, he said, "Make sure that it's inspired, that's your chief goal, 'cause I also believe that success comes from that.") Between Soundgarden, Audioslave and his five solo albums, Cornell seemed to almost never be not working throughout the course of his three-decade career. Though they had already been rocking out for a decade beforehand, Superunknown, their fourth album, put Soundgarden on the mainstream map in 1994, debuting at No. 1 on the Billboard 200 and going on to sell more than 9 million copies. The haunting, doll-head-melting video for the smash-hit track "Black Hole Sun" won Best Rock Video at the 1994 MTV Video Music Awards, and the band won two Grammys in 1995, Best Hard Rock Performance for "Black Hole Sun" and Best Metal Performance for "Spoonman." Musicians Performing Live on Stage But though Chris Cornell was the consummate rock frontman, from his scruffy handsomeness to his booming gravelly voice and magnetic stage presence, it was making the music that consumed him, and while he wholeheartedly appreciated his fans, he didn't love the scrutiny that accompanies fame or the expectations and pressure that goes with being known for a certain type of music. "It's about trying to step out of being patterned and closed off and reclusive, which I've always had a problem with," Cornell told Rolling Stone in 1994 nine months after Superunknown catapulted Soundgarden to the next level of success, explaining the meaning behind the song "I Day I Tried to Live." "It's about attempting to be normal and just go out and be around other people and hang out. I have a tendency to sometimes be pretty closed off and not see people for long periods of time and not call anyone." With Kurt Cobain's suicide on April 5, 1994, still fresh in everyone's mind, and fresh off the smash success of Superunknown, Cornell (who was a huge Nirvana fan but didn't consider himself a friend of Kurt's) also told the magazine that it was "hard not to be a little bitter" about the commercialization of Seattle as this whole grunge music "scene." "We lost good friends in the process," he said. "And all of a sudden you realize that it's turned into something that's considered a fashion statement. It's like mining. It's like somebody came into your city with bulldozers and water compressors and mined your own perfect mountain and excavated it and threw out what they didn't want and left the rest to rot. It's that bad." He continued, "All of a sudden you see it on TV, and people that you know and love are getting the wrong idea because of what they saw on the news. You can't help but think that somewhere, somebody's been robbed. And I don't even think it's me. I think it's everyone." "We've always been fairly reclusive and damaged," he said of himself and his band mates. Though Cornell considered Soundgarden a bit removed from the Seattle machine, he was proud of where the band came from. "But outside of the people that were involved with the Seattle scene when it was happening, the rest of the country and the world and probably a lot of the bands that play in Seattle now think that what the Seattle scene was about is Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Nirvana and Alice in Chains—guitar-based rock with punk influences and '70s influences. Period. End of story. And that's so far from what was going on." His perspective would evolve in the ensuing decades, but, perhaps rooted in his hard-fought beginnings to get his band off the ground, Cornell the singer-songwriter always felt somewhat at odds with Cornell the rock star.   "I was always the kid who listened to records on my own, in my bedroom, spending hours focusing, always gravitating to deep album tracks and those weirder ones. That was kind of my thing," he reflected to TheStranger.com in 2015 while talking about whether he had mixed feelings about commercial success. "And if one of those made it on the radio, it was always a little bit surprising. The same way it was surprising to me when 'Black Hole Sun' was a single when everybody seemed to unanimously choose it as one. I don't think we thought of it as a song that would make it on the radio." Ultimately, touring as a solo artist, whether he was singing stripped-down versions of his songs that were his own, Soundgarden's or Audioslave's, helped him reconcile what could be misconstrued as his competing sounds. Going acoustic or thereabouts "brought it all together under one umbrella, and I started to feel like, oh, that's who I am," he said. "It's not a mystery. It's not a puzzle to solve. I'm this guy, and that's my entire history." Soundgarden broke up in 1997 and Cornell immediately got to work on his own solo debut, 1999's Euphoria Morning (16 years later he changed the spelling to the originally intended Mourning), then headed out on tour. But while he would later say that he never wrote—effectively, anyway—while under the influence of any substance other than coffee ("always my biggest vice"), Cornell's issues were starting to catch up with him. "Alcohol's the only drug that affects your entire brain," he mused in an interview years later about why being under the influence and writing didn't mix for him, as it has for many creative types. "It would do this one thing, I suppose, that's good for someone in terms of the expressionism, which kind of relieves you of your fear, and you become less inhibited. But then for me, for whatever some reason, the doors that need to open to where it becomes almost like I'm the conduit to something else, it's not just a construct—that just doesn't open up. I think alcohol dumbs, whatever that is, down...And other drugs too. Nothing ever made me more inspired, or more able or more capable as a songwriter. "It's not like I didn't try. I wrote things drunk before. I just made sure nobody every heard them or saw the lyrics," he laughed. "I would destroy it." Celebrity Rehabbers He went to rehab in the early '00s but didn't talk much about it until years later. "I went through a serious crisis with depression where I didn't eat a whole meal every day. I was just kind of shutting down," he told Seattle PI in 2006, talking about the period after Soundgarden broke up. "I eventually found that the only way out of that was to change virtually everything in my life. That was a very frightening thing to do, but it was worthwhile... " "But I felt there was something on the horizon that was going to be very big and I didn't know what it was going to be, but I felt like it was out there somewhere." Rehab "was something I didn't want to do and I guess I was intimidated by it. I thought I was smart enough and that it wasn't really necessary. But it got to the point where I had to do something." He told the U.K.'s Mirror in 2012 that rehab was inevitable, even if Soundgarden had initially stayed together. Cornell described his battle with substance abuse as "a long slow slide and then a long, slow recovery—but there was self-discovery too...For me it was mostly alcohol—from my late teens until my late thirties." One of the reasons that so many people were unaware of what plagued him was that Cornell barely missed a beat as far as his musical output went—a fact he acknowledged to the Mirror. "I came out of rehab," he recalled, "and immediately went on tour with Audioslave, sold millions of records and was playing in front of crowds of 10,000 or 20,000. It's not what most people go through. Most of the time, coming out of rehab people have a destroyed life, struggle to just work again and get a job. "I sort of had an identity sitting there waiting to be embraced. I was very lucky I was able to see that and not take it for granted. It helped me climb out of the mire. I saw how hard it could be." Shocking Pop Star Deaths Cornell met Vicky in Paris and lived in the City of Light for a time, at one point opening a restaurant (he had held restaurant jobs and worked as a sous chef in his struggling-musician days) called Black Calavados with his wife and brother-in-law while he was also making music with Audioslave. A few years ago, the Cornell family relocated to Miami. "I wasn't sure how that would work, being creative here, living here, writing here," he told the Tampa Bay Times about his new home in 2015. "But I just started doing that, and it seems to be doing great."   Soundgarden reunited in 2010, but Cornell also continued to record and tour as a solo act. Asked in 2015 about changing the name of his 1999 album Euphoria Mourning to its originally intended, more morose spelling, he told Rolling Stone that the record company had preferred "Morning," thinking it would cause less confusion. "It was a pretty dark album lyrically and pretty depressing, and I was going through a really difficult time in my life," Cornell recalled. "My band wasn't together anymore, my marriage was falling apart and I was dealing with it by drinking way too much, and that has its own problems, particularly with depression...But mentally I wasn't together enough to really know what was right. So I went with 'Morning,' and it's bothered me ever since." His own struggles made him particularly attuned to the unsuspecting ease with which tragedy could strike those who seemingly would have more lifelines than most. Asked about the impromptu cover of "I Will Always Love You" that he sang at a fundraiser for Barack Obama in 2012 that was held a few days after Whitney Houston's death, Cornell told Vulture, "There are a lot of feelings in people who are stars who had an effect on a lot of other people. Anyone that suffers depression and addiction, as it relates to the entertainment business, often there can kind of be a cocoon [around them]. "Though you would imagine someone like that would have more resources to get better, it can often be the opposite. You're kind of enabled to continue whatever lifestyle it is. There's sadness to anyone that dies before their time, and specifically ones that seem to affect people in a positive way. It doesn't matter if it's Whitney Houston or a nameless, faceless person on the street. That's just as big of a tragedy for me." He was also very aware of the sad endings that had befallen so many fellow musicians, not least of them the ones who got their start in his hometown, such as Cobain and Alice in Chains' Layne Staley, who died of an overdose in 2002. And it seemed, including to those close to him, up until less than 24 hours ago, that Cornell was not facing down the kind of pain that can get the better of anyone, no matter how big the success or how loving the family.  "There's something about losing friends, particularly young people, where it's not something that you get over," Cornell told Vulture. "I don't believe there's a healing process. How do you, really? In what way can you stop and say, 'Well, it's god's will.' I always thought that line I've heard a million times—twice as bright but half as long—is bulls--t. It's tragedy. I just carry all of that with me all the time. "All I can do, if anything, out of respect for my friends that are no longer here, is to do my best to lead a good life and and take advantage of the fact that I'm still around, take the opportunities I have that they should've had."

#Inside #Chris #Cornell’s #Lifelong #Struggle #Fame: #Soundgarden #Frontman #Battled #Demons #Became

[neuxue]

Wheel of Time liveblogging: The Gathering Storm ch 8

Siuan reminisces, Egwene Amyrlins, and ACTUAL COMMUNICATION.

Chapter 8: Clean Shirts

Haven’t seen that chapter icon in a while.

Siuan now – there’s been a lot of quick POV shifting in this book so far. I suppose it’s been mostly centred on Rand and Egwene – and their various affiliates – these past several chapters, but it definitely lends a feeling of a quicker pace. Which works, given where we are in the series.

No sailor would miss [those clouds]. Not dark enough to promise a storm, not light enough to imply smooth waters either.

A sky like that was ambiguous.

The whole world balanced on the edge of a knife, with little to tell right now which way it will eventually fall. Rand himself barely balanced between Light and something very like Shadow. A world uncertain, moving towards the ending.

What, you thought I was going to ignore Portentious Atmospheric Details?

HA. IT GETS BETTER.

On a day like this, however, when there were gloomy clouds but no proof of storms, the dockmasters would charge a full day’s rent. And so the fisher had to make a choice. Stay in the harbour and wait, or go fishing to recoup the dock fees.

A fisher. Or should I say a Fisher. This delights me.

She doubted many fishers had chosen to go out this day.

Well I can think of one probable capitalised exception…

Lelaine has no time for symbolically important discussions of the sky.

Siuan could still sense shock in some of the Aes Sedai she passed. Egwene was to have been carefully controlled. What had gone wrong?

Egwene. That’s what went wrong. You Aes Sedai all thought you had a prayer of controlling Egwene in the first place, failing to realise that this is the girl who took one look at someone else’s Call To Adventure and said ‘mine now’. And that was just her starting point.

Siuan would have taken more smug delight from those looks if she hadn’t herself worried about Egwene’s continued captivity in the White Tower. That was a lionfish’s veil indeed. Potential for great success, but also great disaster.

Yes, well, that describes approximately every single situation in the plot as things stand, so. I’m sure it’ll all be fine. What could possibly go wrong? Aside from everything?

Lelaine and Romanda are still doing their thing, though things seem to be shifting slightly in favour of Lelaine at the moment. Okay.

I’m a bit ambivalent about this particular conflict at this point. On the one hand, it’s probably more realistic for it to continue, especially given Egwene’s absence and the sense of uncertainty that brings. On the other hand, I find it hard to actually care about it, because Egwene’s arc has moved past this, and so this ends up feeling a bit stale. But then, just because her story is no longer just with the rebels, that doesn’t mean the rebels should magically have all their problems solved; that would make it too easy. So it works, I just don’t really care. Ah well.

When she’d first been Healed, her reduced power had been a disappointment. But that was changing. Yes, it was infuriating to be beneath so many, to lack respect from those around her. However, because she was weaker in power, many seemed to assume she was weaker in political skill as well! Could people really forget so quickly? She was finding her new status among the Aes Sedai to be liberating.

That’s an incredibly mature and sanguine way of looking at it. And the fact that this doesn’t even scan as self-deception is truly impressive. There are indeed advantages to her new situation, especially for one with her political acumen combined with a prominent past and a present need for discretion, but to truly understand and embrace that – especially without then giving up the advantage it conveys – takes a special kind of resilience.

So Siuan’s sent Lelaine off on some pointless political trail of distraction, mostly by mentioning Romanda. You would think that if your goal were to become the political leader of a group known for their politicking and manipulation, you’d at least try to hide what can be used to manipulate you. Romanda and Lelaine are so perfectly unsubtle and they fall for this shit every time. It would be fine as a front, maybe, but it isn’t even a front. They’re really that easily led.

The Amyrlin needed to hurry up and finish with her plotting in the White Tower. What good would it do to undermine Elaida if the Aes Sedai outside crumbled while Egwene wasn’t watching?

It’s a fair question, and does highlight the complexity and delicate balance of Egwene’s entire situation. She won the rebels and brought them this far, and she’s winning her strange not-quite-war in the Tower, but she can’t forget one while she deals with the other. That’s rather the point, isn’t it? The Aes Sedai need to be unified; the Tower needs to be whole. Otherwise something is always going to be falling apart.

Either Lelaine is teasing Siuan about having a crush on Gareth Bryne, or she is actually that oblivious.

And Siuan is definitely not going to let Lelaine pay off Siuan’s debt to Bryne. Because reasons.

That would just move her debt from Bryne to Lelaine. The Aes Sedai would collect it in far more subtle ways, but each coin would end up being paid one way or another, if only through demands of loyalty.

Okay that is definitely a valid reason.

Lelaine is indeed actually that oblivious. How has she risen this far?

Siuan gets a ride on the back of a turnip wagon, which makes this the second time in this series that Aes Sedai have ridden with vegetables. The cabbage merchant from Avatar is probably sweating nervously somewhere.

Secrets, those powerful, dominating secrets. They had become her life. No love save for youthful dalliances.

So Moiraine was just a ‘youthful dalliance’? I think not.

No time for entanglements, or much room for friendships.

I suppose she could be putting Moiraine in the ‘frienships’ category here, which…okay. In a general sense, I have no problems with that. Nor will I ever, under any circumstances, try to argue that friendship is in any way less meaningful or important than romantic love.

And very likely, Moiraine wasn’t intended to be specifically implied by ‘youthful dalliances’, or even by ‘friendships’; they were close friends and they loved each other, but they both chose the Blue Ajah and they both knew what dedicating themselves to this cause would mean: they would have to put it above everything, including their own personal wishes or relationships.

So, fine, it’s not a direct slight and I’m not trying to go out of my way to find things to be indignant about. But my issue here is more that…it’s as if the relationship Siuan and Moiraine shared in their younger years is forgotten by the narrative itself. Because either Moiraine was indeed a ‘youthful dalliance’ – thus implying that ‘girlhood things should be left behind with girlhood’ as Tarna put it – or Siuan’s relationship with Moiraine is so insignificant that it doesn’t warrant a mention at all. There’s a sense of oversight there, and it bothers me a bit.

On its own, it might not stand out as much of an issue. However, there’s a pattern here of including but then almost simultaneously dismissing love between women. This isn’t even a particularly egregious example, but it becomes frustrating when mixed in with the tendency to treat ‘pillow friendships’ as a kind of youthful phase that all but the evil ones grow out of.

No series is perfect, and you can’t have everything, and I’m sure Jordan and Sanderson had good intentions – or at least, did not have bad intentions – with regards to this sort of thing. But the execution falls short for me sometimes.

She’d focused only one one thing: finding the Dragon Reborn. Helping him, guiding him, hopefully controlling him.

Moiraine had died following that same quest, but at least she had been able to go out and see the world. Siuan had grown old – in spirit, if not in body – cooped up in the Tower, pulling her strings and nudging the world. She’d done some good. Time would tell if those efforts had been enough.

She didn’t regret her life. Yet, at this moment, passing army tents […] she envied Moiraine. How often had Siuan bothered to look out of her window toward the beautiful green landscape, before it all had started going sickly? She and Moiraine had fought so hard to save this world, but they had left themselves without anything to enjoy in it.

Having said all of that, I absolutely love this bit here. I do really love the way the friendship aspect of Moiraine and Siuan’s relationship is presented. They are bound so closely by love and a shared goal, but one of those has had to take precedence. They loved each other before prophecy took over their lives, but their shared secret and their determination and devotion forced them down different paths.

And yet, from both their perspectives there has always been a strong, if understated and often bittersweet, sense of the friendship that underlies this shared quest. They never came to resent or hate one another, and they both kept firmly to their aim, and accepted the rest as it came. It didn’t destroy their friendship because they both accepted that the quest would have to come first. And so when it did come first, and when it did separate them, and when it did – at least as far as each of them knows – kill the other one, they understood that, too. It’s a strange kind of mutual trust and understanding upon which to build a somewhat strange relationship, but there is something rather beautiful about that.

And Siuan’s musings here are really lovely, in that same kind of bittersweet and nostalgic way. Take what you want, and pay for it. She and Moiraine have both lived by that. Siuan has no regrets, because this life is the consequence of the task she accepted. And she may envy Moiraine, but even now she does not resent her.

The last line especially is beautiful. I really, really hope Siuan and Moiraine both survive what is to come, and reunite at least once to share in the completion of their decades-long task. Even if they then go their separate ways – because that is how it has always been for them, and somehow it works.

Or they could just decide fuck it, let’s retire early and go on a roadtrip full of pranks and mischief to see the world we’ve helped win for ourselves. That would also be acceptable.

Siuan the Amyrlin hadn’t had any time for entanglements, but what of Siuan the attendant? […] Was there, perhaps, room in her life for a few more changes? 

The wagon reached the far side of the army camp, and she shook her head at her own foolishness as she hopped down, then nodded her thanks to the wagon driver. Was she a girl, barely old enough for her first full-day blackfish trawl? There was no use in thinking of Bryne that way. At least not right now. There was too much to do.

So I’m quoting this mainly for the last part, because my usual line when complaining about characters getting caught up in romantic subplots is ‘stop cheating on your plotline!’

Which is to say, I appreciate Siuan’s priorities here. Even though I’m probably supposed to roll my eyes and tell her to just live a little, the world is ending after all.

Though I don’t particularly mind the thing between Siuan and Bryne; it’s relatively unobtrusive and doesn’t interfere too much with the plot or either character’s competence.

And by ‘thing’ I mean…utter failure at flirting and an ongoing low-level prank war.

“I have to say, Siuan, that I’m surprised. I had assumed that an Aes Sedai would know little of work such as this, but rarely have my uniforms known such a perfect combination of stiffness and comfort. You are to be commended.”

Siuan turned away from him, hiding her blush. Fool man! She had caused kings to kneel before her! She manipulated the Aes Sedai and planned for the deliverance of mankind itself! And he complimented her on her laundering skills?

The thing was, from Bryne, that was an honest and meaningful compliment. He didn’t look down on washwomen, or runner boys. He treated all with equity. A person didn’t gain stature in Gareth Bryne’s eyes by being a king or queen; one gained stature by keeping to one’s oaths and doing one’s duty. To him, a compliment on laundry well done was as meaningful as a medal awarded to a soldier who had stood his ground before the enemy.

It took rather a lot of explanation and narrative enforcement to make that work, but I think it does work in the end. It certainly fits with what has been established about Bryne’s character. He doesn’t give a single shit about where someone is supposed to rank; he cares about character and competence. He gave the army to Egwene when most Aes Sedai still thought she would be little more than a puppet, because he could see in her something worth serving.

So…yeah, it’s a bit of an insulting compliment, from a certain perspective. Siuan’s indignation is not entirely out of place, and I like that it’s acknowledged. But I also like that she understands Bryne enough to know that it is actually a meaningful compliment – and also that he clearly understands her well enough to know that she would be able to take it as such.

Ah, and now we’re back to the question of why Siuan broke – or truth-twisted her way out of – that oath in the first place.

“So you claim I’m a liar?” she demanded.

“No,” he said. “Just an oathbreaker.”

Ouch. Point to Bryne.

“That question drove me here, you know,” he said. “It’s why I hunted you all that way. It’s why I finally swore to these rebel Aes Sedai, though I had little wish to be pulled into yet another war at Tar Valon. I did it all because I needed to understand. I had to know. Why? Why did the woman with those eyes – those passionate, haunting eyes – break her oath?”

That’s…a surprising amount of openness and honesty, and I rather like it. Especially because Siuan has been wondering for so long why he did follow her, and why he stayed. And she toyed with the idea that it might be because of her, but then discarded it as a silly fancy, but now thanks to the wonders of this new invention called communication, she knows that really is a large part of the reason. So credit to Bryne for deciding to just…tell her.

“Another excuse,” he said softly. “Another answer from an Aes Sedai. Will I ever have the truth from you, Siuan Sanche? Has anyone ever had it?” He signed, and she heard papers rustle, the candle’s light flickering in the faint stir of his movements as he turned back to his reports.

“When I was still an Accepted in the White Tower,” Siuan said softly, “I was one of four people present when a Foretelling announced the imminent birth of the Dragon Reborn on the slopes of Dragonmount.”

His rustling froze.

Yes. Honesty begets honesty; it’s not the first time that has proven true in this series. Bryne finally gives her an unguarded truth…and so she finally gives him this. And it’s no small truth. This is the foundation of most of her adult life, and it’s been a secret and a burden for so long, because she has so long had to work within a system of secrets and shades of truth, all the while carrying something of this gravity.

Very, very few have ever had the truth from her. Moiraine. Rand, arguably, in TGH, though even then it was given somewhat as manipulation. And Bryne’s reaction here shows that he knows just how closely-kept a secret this has been. That he knows just how much of the truth she is actually surrendering to him, here.

I always love moments like this, when a character finally faces another and tells them everything. When done well, it grants a particular and very satisfying sense of catharsis – especially when the reader knows the secret, but has watched the character carry it so long in silence, never able to truly explain themselves, and often suffering for it.

It’s a great moment of honest, open communication, on both sides. That’s a rare thing in this series, but the payoff is almost always worth it; the moments where characters finally do communicate are often beautiful and fitting and genuinely effective.

I think this is a large part of what makes the whole Wheel Of Absolutely No Communication thing work, at least for me. It’s frustrating as hell sometimes, sure, and there are definitely moments where I want to just bash characters’ heads together and tell them to JUST FUCKING TALK TO EACH OTHER FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED.

But, while characters frequently and spectacularly fail at doing exactly that, moments of genuine honesty don’t tend to result in further misunderstanding. When characters do finally open up to each other, it is almost always rewarded.

Where some authors lose me is when they bend over backwards to prevent those moments from ever happening at all, or else let them happen and then force the miscommunication or misunderstanding to persist anyway. Instead of feeling realistic, it almost always ends up feeling contrived. WoT toes that line sometimes, but the payoffs make it work for me.

So we get a quick recap of New Spring, because Bryne clearly hasn’t read it yet.

“There was only one other person I knew I could trust, and she is now dead.”

And neither Siuan nor Moiraine could really afford to grieve, when they thought the other to be dead. They knew it could come to this, but…it’s such a loss, for both of them. Please let them at least find out that the other is alive.

“You blame me for the loss of a barn and some cows. Well, then I suggest that you consider the cost to your people should the Dragon Reborn fail. Sometimes, prices must be paid so that a more important duty can be served. I would expect a soldier to understand that. […] Should I have spared even a moment when the entire world was wearing the hangman’s noose?”

She held those eyes, demanding an answer.

“No,” he finally admitted. “Burn me, Siuan, but no. You shouldn’t have waited.”

And he offers to hold her oath fulfilled. She refuses, of course, but this is what I mean by payoff. They have each been entirely truthful with each other at last, and instead of answering in the negative here, or refusing to understand, he accepts her explanation. And she doesn’t question his. There is a reward for honesty.

Now they’re back to incompetent flirting, but progress has been made. They trust each other now, and that’s no small thing. Oh, they trusted each other before, but more in the sense that they each believed the other to be a decent person. Now they both know something close to the full truth, and they each revealed it willingly, and the very act of doing so – each one knowing how much it means for the other to speak that openly – has forged a much stronger bond of genuine trust. They’re together in this, now. Even if they can’t sort out other definitions of ‘together’.

When other oaths no longer have a hold on me, she thought. When I’m certain the Dragon Reborn is doing what he is supposed to, perhaps there will be time. For once, I’m actually starting to look forward to being done with this quest. How remarkable.

…Okay, and with that line, I am now far more worried about her survival than I was a few minutes ago. I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not I think Siuan will make it; I could see it working both ways.

Bryne has worked out her Tel’aran’rhiod schedule, and possibly the general notion of Tel’aran’rhiod itself. Of course he has.

She’d have to do something to get back at him. Mice in the bedsheets.

Ha. Oh, Siuan, you are incorrigible. Nice throwback there, to a prank she and Moiraine planned back in their Accepted days, given how that time has been on Siuan’s mind this chapter.

“A sword, Siuan?” Egwene’s voice suddenly asked. “That’s novel.” Siuan looked down, shocked to find herself holding a bloody sword, likely intended for Elaida’s heart.

Things I didn’t know I needed: Siuan Sanche with a sword. Is there fanart? Please let there be fanart.

Egwene was getting very good at the calm serenity of an Aes Sedai. In fact, she seemed to have grown measurably better at that since her capture.

Well, she’s had a lot of practice. And more than that…it’s not a brittle mask of serenity on her. It’s true serenity, an outward reflection of inward calm purpose and understanding. She’s not trying to make herself harder in order to face pain, or make herself seem stronger in order to appear commanding. Instead, she has come to understand, and with that has come a strength that is unforced.

She showed more of herself around Siuan than she did the others. They both knew how heavily Egwene had relied on Siuan’s teaching to get where she was.

Though she’d probably have made it there anyway, Siuan admitted. Just not quite as quickly.

Siuan and Moiraine dedicated themselves to the task of finding and guiding the Dragon Reborn. But they – Siuan especially – have arguably been more successful at finding and guiding Egwene.

That’s not to say they failed in their task; Moiraine did find Rand and has been a lasting influence on him, especially once she realised that she needed to approach things differently. Meanwhile Siuan is no longer Amyrlin and has not seen the Dragon Reborn in over a year, but she has been instrumental in helping Egwene become a true Amyrlin. Which will, I have no doubt, end up being a critical step in ensuring the world’s survival. Without Egwene as Amyrlin, I struggle to see how Rand and the White Tower would reconcile to the point where they could approach the Last Battle as allies. With Egwene, it will undoubtedly be difficult, but their once-friendship might just be enough.

So Moiraine and Siuan have both ended up following the task they swore themselves to, but – like so many other things in this series – not quite in the way they planned. And I like that they both played a role in guiding Egwene, as well as Rand, given all the other parallels and inversions between the two. It’s nice symmetry, both of Moiraine and Siuan and of Egwene and Rand.

Egwene decides she doesn’t want to spend a moment longer than necessary in the study of the Mistress of Novices. Shocking.

“One of the Forsaken was in our camp,” Siuan said. She hadn’t wanted to think about that too frequently. The knowledge made her skin crawl.

“Is anyone dead?” Egwene asked, voice calm though her eyes looked to be steel.

It’s nice to get an outsider POV of Egwene during this part of her arc. So much of it has been told through her own eyes, and it’s all kinds of fantastic, and it’s definitely important to see it from her perspective because a lot of it is about her own understanding and growth. But I always love seeing what characters look like to others, and seeing Egwene through Siuan’s eyes here helps to emphasise what has changed outwardly, and how very like a true Amyrlin Egwene looks to those around her.

Even when Siuan says it was probably Halima, wielding saidin, Egwene barely reacts visibly. No doubt this is a shock to her, but she lets almost none of it show. Because what good would that do? She can’t go back and suspect Halima, she can’t save those who were killed, and letting herself be thrown by this won’t help anything. So she takes it calmly, and focuses on what she can do. And on what needs to be done.

“Mother, it appears some of the men who follow al’Thor have bonded Aes Sedai.”

Egwene blinked a single time. “Yes. I had heard rumours of this. I had hoped that they were exaggerated. Did this Asha’man say who gave Rand permission to commit such an atrocity?”

“He’s the Dragon Reborn,” Siuan said, grimacing. “I don’t think he feels he needs permission. But, in his defence, it appears he didn’t know it was happening. The women his men bonded were sent by Elaida to destroy the Black Tower.”

“Yes.” Egwene finally showed a sliver of emotion. “So the rumours are accurate. All too accurate. […] “We shall have to deal with the Dragon’s foolishness at a later date. Perhaps his men acted without his direct orders, but Rand must take responsibility. Men. Bonding women!”

I can’t entirely agree with Egwene here. I can see where she’s coming from, because she is Amyrlin and Aes Sedai, and while Siuan can give her some context for what has happened, neither of them knows all of it. But…while the forced bonding of Aes Sedai is hard to call a good thing, it really was probably the best of several bad options. And the notion that women should be able to bond men but not the other way around is kind of absurd – at least, if it is accepted that saidin has been cleansed.

As for Rand taking responsibility…that’s a difficult one. On the one hand, he had no idea any of this was happening, and it wasn’t on his orders, and he was far from happy about it when he found out. On the other hand, he himself thinks of the Asha’man as his creation, his responsibility. It’s a tricky one because he thinks of them that way when he needs or wants to, but he also has all but ignored the Black Tower since putting Taim in charge of it. He keeps trying to have it both ways, and it keeps coming back to bite him.

That said, the offer of recompense kind of is his way of taking responsibility. Or at least of trying to offer as close to a solution as possible. The whole situation is a mess, and there have been several points at which there really are no good options.

It’s also interesting to see how Egwene thinks of Rand versus how she thinks of the Dragon Reborn. Here, he takes the latter role in her mind, because it does come down to issues of command and responsibility. Rand has had similar thoughts about Egwene when thinking of her as Amyrlin and Aes Sedai. It’s not fair, perhaps, but their roles are larger than they are, and they have both had to accept and deal with that. Egwene is Amyrlin, thinking about the Dragon Reborn. As simply Egwene, she has been angry with Elaida for hurting Rand. It comes back to individuals versus roles, and how that can shape what they must do and think. How she can be angry with the Dragon Reborn but still care about the boy from Emond’s Field. It is, I think, similar for Rand. As Dragon Reborn he can be angry with or suspicious of the Amyrlin, but still care about Egwene. Though at the moment he’s not letting himself care about much of anything, so that complicates things a bit.

“They claim saidin is cleansed,” Siuan said.

Egwene raised an eyebrow, but did not object. “Yes,” she said, “I suppose that might be a reasonable possibility. We will need further confirmation, of course. But the taint arrived when all seemed won; why should it not leave when all seems to be approaching pure madness?”

That might be the best reaction I’ve seen to the cleansing yet, from anyone but a male channeller. She doesn’t reject the idea outright, or go on about how it’s impossible. She’s rather willing to accept it, and just asks for further confirmation. Which is not an unreasonable request; she hasn’t linked with an Asha’man, or even been told that anyone else has. But I think she would accept some of that as confirmation, where others reject all proof that is offered in favour of saying it’s impossible. Egwene isn’t doing that. And I rather love that last thought – it’s kind of a perfect way of looking at things, isn’t it? Parallels and inversions. A victory for the Shadow at what should have been the Light’s greatest triumph, and a true victory for the Light as all else darkens.

Siuan wants Egwene to come back and look after the Hall, Egwene says she has work to do here and Siuan can do fine on her own. Which, so far, has been the case. So credit where it’s due for delegating, but at some poing she is going to need to move to reunite them.

“Do your best,” Egwene said. “But don’t worry if Lelaine refuses to be diverted.”

Siuan frowned. “But she’s usurping your place!”

“By building upon it,” Egwene said, smiling. […] “Lelaine’s gambit will only succeed if I fail to return. She is using me as a source of authority. When I return, she’ll have no choice but to accept my leadership. She’ll have spent all of her effort building me up.”

“And if you don’t return, Mother?” Siuan asked softly.

“Then it will be better for the Aes Sedai to have a strong leader,” Egwene said. “If Lelaine has been the one to secure that strength, then so be it.”

Clever. And I like how Egwene points out the win-win nature of this situation. She’s not in this for herself – being Amyrlin isn’t some kind of power-trip. She doesn’t lack ambition, and she’s made use of it to get where she is, certainly. And she needed to. But her efforts now are wholly dedicated not to herself but to the White Tower. She is Amyrlin because Elaida is incompetent, and this is the best way Egwene sees to heal the Tower and see it to Tarmon Gai’don. But she will not put herself before the Tower; if she loses, or if for whatever reason she ends up unable to do what she needs to do, she can accept that another may need to take her place. She won’t destroy the Tower to keep her position. Which is a a large part of what sets her apart from Elaida.

“I’m actually learning to deal with my…new situation. It’s not so difficult to stomach, now that I see that it has some advantages.”

Egwene frowned, as if trying to figure out what advantages there could be in lessened power.

That’s very likely more than an abstract thought; Egwene is, after all, spending all her time dosed on forkroot and barely able to channel.

“Elayne once mentioned a room to me in the Tower, filled with objects of power. I assume it really exists?”

“Of course,” Siuan said. “The basement storeroom. It’s in the second level of the basement, on the northeast side. Little room with a plain wooden door, but you can’t miss it.”

OH HELL YES BRING OUT THE ANGREAL LET’S LEVEL THIS UP.

I mean. Um. Yes, good, thank you for that advice, Siuan, I’m sure it will come in handy.

“If there was a Forsaken in our camp, I’d bet half my father’s inn that there’s one spying on the White Tower too.”

Please let Egwene take out at least one of the Forsaken. She deserves it.

Next (TGS ch 9) Previous (TGS ch 7)

#characters being honest with each other what do i do with this #Wheel of Time #neuxue liveblogs WoT #The Gathering Storm

[ulrichfoester]

Being in a Relationship with an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

Amy Eden, an adult child of alcoholics and long time writer and teacher on the subject, offers insight into navigating the waters of being in love with an “ACA.”

Have you heard the one about the confused man whose girlfriend of a year and a half suddenly got mad and left him? Just up and left. They’d never fought, not once. The relationship seemed perfectly fine. He’d introduced her to his friends and his whole family. They were engaged. They were going to get married. Then she split.

Haven’t heard that one? Well, I have. Time and again. Loving someone whose parents are alcoholics is challenging and often unpredictable territory.

How can anyone really know if their partner, potential husband or wife, came from an alcoholic household? It’s rarely clear. Sometimes it’s not known that someone’s parents are alcoholics — plenty of people have alcoholic parents without realizing it. Other times a person can have alcoholic parents and know it, but not understand the extent to which growing up in that environment affected them.

While the confused man stands shell shocked, we can examine his fiancee’s perspective. She met and fell for a wonderful man. He had his life together, treated her kindly, and wanted a future with her. It was love (it must be)! Everything seemed to be going well, and although she’d never had a healthy relationship modeled for her, this seemed good. She didn’t know that she was supposed to just be herself, be vulnerable, honest, and imperfect as well as expect to be loved for all that. One day after being and doing what she intuited her boyfriend expected of her, she finally broke. It was too much to continue faking a perfect self, being pleasing, affable, not having needs, or sour moods. The skills that had served her so well in childhood weren’t working. She felt imprisoned and false. She had to get out, to flee, to breathe.

For people who grow up with an alcoholic parent, getting into relationships is like getting on a fast ride with a one-way ticket. We commit to someone who’s interested in us because we’re the ever-loyal children of dysfunctional, rigid parents, and then we buckle up and enjoy (or something) the feeling of rushing along, fast, on a course to…wherever. The sensation of beginning relationships is much like being swallowed whole and re-wiring one’s self for a new identity — the identity of our new love, whatever he or she needs us to be. With that kind of beginning, it’s easier to understand the hallmark get close-pull away pattern that often gets established in relationships in which one partner grew up around addiction.

The Survivalist Approach to Childhood Works, Yet It Doesn’t Stop

Children of alcoholics are survivalists by nurture. We do quite well in crisis and seem most calm during chaos. We are not very at ease when things are calm and ordinary because in our world calm always meant a storm was around the bend. The ability to survive an emotionally and often times physically abusive childhood environment was essential. The ability to survive required a tough exterior or a polished one (we’re often called “well-wrapped”), our armor. It required a hyper-vigilant awareness of impending danger: bad moods, yelling, or violent outbursts, all of which could strike at any time. We came to expect the unexpected and predict the unpredictable behavior or our volatile parents.

Unfortunately, we continue to live in survival mode after we leave home and set up our own lives. There’s no national agency that visits the apartments and condos of newly sprung children of alcoholics to present them with a certificate of completion. If they did, it would read: This Certifies that You Survived Childhood and Must Now Learn to Thrive in Life. The fine print would read: It’s time for a paradigm shift, so surround yourself with uplifting people, stop trying to be what you’re not, tame your true inner self, and spend the rest of your life coaxing that person out into the open and experimenting with loving yourself unconditionally.

The Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

Two important individuals in the awareness-raising of the issues adult children of alcoholics were Tony A, author of The Laundry List and founder of the original twelve-step group for adult children of alcoholics (now ACoA) and Janet Woititz, author and psychologist. Each developed a list of characteristics and common traits that children of alcoholics struggle with. Those include:

We judge ourselves mercilessly (we considered ourselves unlovable as children)

We don’t easily relax and have fun (chaos is more comfortable)

We feel somehow different from other people (sensing deep down that something is wrong)

We have a tendency to isolate (because we feel like freaks)

We have a tendency to be afraid of authority figures (because our original ones were volatile)

We seek approval (because our self-esteem is under-developed)

We feel guilty about our needs and shame about our true feelings (needs and feelings were unwelcome in childhood)

We get addicted to excitement (like a moth to the flame that is chaos)

We react to others rather than act from our desires (because being our own self was risky if not deadly)

We tend to be very serious (we’re not sure it’s okay to let our guard down)

There are more ACA traits and characteristics on Janet and Tony’s lists.

Watch out for the Trespasser Known as Transference 

If your partner hasn’t yet done the work to distinguish between their past and their present, they may be subconsciously reacting to you as if you are their parent or as if current struggles are actually past struggles. This can be very confusing for both of you.

How might you know if your partner is transferring feelings from childhood onto a present-day situation, or onto you? Their reaction may be much bigger than the situation calls for, but not only that — their reaction will also have a feeling of intense or deep emotion and they won’t quickly recover from the upset. You might sense that something else is going on, something deeper or complex, given the level of hurt your partner is showing. You may feel that a great misdeed is being attributed to you, and that despite your apology and explanation, noting seems to lessen the hurt for your partner. They are stuck in the hurt.

When someone reacts to you, or your actions, based from their feelings about another person from the past, that’s known as transference. This happens when a person transfers their thoughts or feelings about one person onto another. (Transference is different from projection, which is when another person accuses you of embodying their own thoughts, feelings, or traits.) Because children of alcoholics grow up with so much unprocessed emotional trauma, it’s easy to understand why they would transfer their hurt feelings onto someone who resembles the original source of upset — they are yearning to have the reaction and process that was never allowed and was tamped down for years.

A transference dynamic can be wearing on a relationship; it puts one partner in the position of role-playing the childhood of the other partner with no knowledge of what’s going on. It means that one partner is having the other’s feelings and possibly accusations directed at them from another time and place, not based in the present situation. This makes it hard to learn the other person’s emotional landscape. Part of getting to know a partner involves coming to understand what they like and don’t, what pushes their buttons, and what brings them joy or causes them sadness. It’s hard to get an accurate reading on a partner’s emotional landscape if they are living in the past, still wrestling with old wounds.

And from the perspective of the person who grew up with emotional trauma, it’s confusing to be unable to differentiate the amount of hurt that comes from past wounds and what amount of hurt is coming from a present scenario. By relating to a partner as if they’re the ghost of our past, like a hitching post for us to tie our hurts to, we’re unsuccessfully resolving past issues as well as distorting what’s occurring in the present. This can bring anguish when what we most desire is to be truly present and participate in the relationship in an authentic and productive way.

Seeking to Understand, Resisting Fix-It Solutions

It can feel like walking on eggshells at times with someone sensitive, who has been emotionally traumatized, and who seeks approval. Tiptoe-living is an exhausting life. If your partner had childhood trauma, they have some self-healing work to do. It’s important for you to internalize the distinction between what “understanding” looks like for you and what “fixing” looks like. As a partner, you show love through listening (especially active listening) and by learning about and understanding the person you love, where they come from. That’s all. In terms of helping, fixing, and changing your partner and their resolution of a difficult past — that is not your terrain to adventure through. If your partner is ready and willing to do the work of helping and healing themselves, they’ll do it. It cannot be rushed and you cannot do that work for them.

Be sure that you understand where the line is between understanding and fixing, and remember the simple truth that to love is to listen and to understand. (The fix-it work is the work for a therapist and your loved one.) What does that leave you with? That leaves you with the responsibility of loving your partner as he or she is, for who he or she is, rather than who they will become or what you can shape them into.

When a partner has emotional work to do, it’s easy to make a habit of focusing on their issues. It’s incredibly common — many of the emails I receive from readers of my blog include exasperated pleas for helping their boyfriend or girlfriend get un-damaged. I can only tell them that when their partner is ready to do the work, they’ll do the work. It’s fine to share a book or forward a link to someone and let them know you think they’d be well-served by reading it, but the work cannot be forced and it cannot be done by proxy.

Turning your focus to your own personal work crowds-out the habitual wondering and worrying you’ve been doing about your partner’s problems.

What might you do with the newfound time you no longer spend attempting to fix your partner’s problems? Why, taking a look at yourself of course! It’s worth considering whether there is something about this person’s history that drew you in, that clicked-into some issues or emotional habits of your own that need to be understood. If you’ve been focused on your partner’s shortcomings, create a new habit around looking into your part in the relationship dynamics. Indulge in a self-inquiry and see what you might uncover about the assumptions, expectations, and perceptions you bring to the partnership.

Upholding Responsibility and Accountability in a Partnership

Each of us wants and deserves a partner who is responsible and respectful to himself, to us, and to the relationship. Regardless of what one’s background of emotional struggles are, meeting one another at the point of shared self-respect is how relationships maintain balance and thrive.

Being in a Relationship with an Adult Child of an Alcoholic published first on https://familycookwareshop.tumblr.com/

[denniskismet]

Diane Birch - Nous

In case you overlooked Diane Birch’s magnificently dark, brooding, melancholic yet hopeful EP Nous in 2015, there is now a vinyl version with an extra track to complete the story. Inspired by Hypatia, the 4th century mathematician and astronomer Hypatia who was (literally) torn to shreds for being too progressive and, oh, a woman, the record was written, produced and released by Birch herself on her own label, Hymnpatia (we see what you did there, Diane). Here the piano prodigy daughter of a Seventh-day Adventist preacher talks us through the eight tracks that make up this stunning piece of work. And the title? Yes, if means ‘us’ in French, but mainly it’s Greek for ‘mind’, ‘intellect’ and ‘common sense’. If you possess any of the latter, you will use it and get to know this record. 

What was the genesis of Nous? When did Hypatia first cross your path, and how does her story tie in with the record?

The theme was inspired organically by an overall state of mind which I suppose was brewing for some time. I found myself looking inward and starting to question so many of my beliefs and ideas about the world and realizing how subconsciously programmed I was, even though I've always believed myself to be progressive and unconventional. As I started to evolve within I noticed the same kinds of struggles and shifts outside in the world. The divine feminine was a very strong theme for me with Nous. Realizing how suppressed she had been within not only myself but in the world. Hypatia was of course an inspiration given the threat of her power within a patriarchal system. We are still fighting the same battles that so many strong women have given their life for, so she was a muse of sorts for the opening.

When did the title come to you? It’s beautifully ambiguous.

A friend had texted me a quote from a book she was reading and 'Nous' had been described as 'the finest point of the soul'. This really struck me and I researched it further. The older philosophical definitions point to 'awareness, understanding, intuition' etc... I also liked the ambiguity of it as it could also be referred to as 'we' in French, which seemed equally appropriate.

We won’t lie: the phrase ‘additional saxophone recorded by Stuart Matthewman in NYC’ blows our mind. How did you snare a member of ACTUAL SADE?

Ha! I'm also a huge Sade fan. Stuart has been a good friend of mine for quite some years now and also happens to be one of the loveliest people on the planet. He has such a signature sound and one that I felt would evoke the smoothness that I wanted on the album.

You recorded the album in Berlin. How did the city influence this album, do you think, if at all?

Berlin was a wonderful place for me to focus and I was deeply inspired by the history and manner in which the city has risen from the ashes of its past. It was also incredibly therapeutic to be in an environment where I could fully express myself without the pressure of NYC socially, financially, logistically et cetera. I felt very free there and the musicians were wonderful, as well as the studios filled with pristine German gear that would make any audiophile's mouth water, ha ha.

‘Thank you to my muse and partner in crime, Meshakai Wolf’, you write, and that Nous would not exist without him. Can you expand on that?

Meshakai was my boyfriend at the time and we also moved to Berlin together. He was a massive support in every phase of the album and practically dragged me out the door and into a studio from being curled up in a ball on the floor wanting to quit music. He was my muse and a creative collaborator on videos, album art et cetera, and we also wrote the lyrics for Kings of Queens together.

Ordinary Angels is the extra track on the newly released vinyl edition. Why did it need to be on here to complete the story?

Ordinary Angels was an older track like so many others bumming around in my hard drive. I'd always liked it and felt it was a shame that it never had anywhere to go in terms of a release. When we agreed a vinyl pressing with Rough Trade, I thought it would be nice to make it special and add a bonus track, so I threw it in the mix.

It’s such a great short phrase on the sleeve: ‘Produced by Diane Birch’. Are we right in thinking this is the first time you did everything yourself? Was this important to you, a moment of: ‘I’m ready’?

Yes, it meant a lot to me to feel like I'd really done something on my own. After so many years on a major leaning label and a team of people around me, I had really lost sight of my own creativity. It took a hell of a lot of work for me to build myself up to a place where I believed in my singular vision again as I had done so many years ago when I was just starting out, and it was a very rewarding experience to prove to myself that I had the power to create and do it all myself and not be at the mercy of everyone else.

---

Nous by Diane Birch, track by track

Hymn for Hypatia

“(And the light shines in darkness, and the darkness comprehended it not)”

It is a phrase in ancient Koine Greek that I crafted into a chant as an ode of thanks to Hypatia who had so many gifts and talents, yet was too powerful and bright for the times in which she lived. 

How Long

“I'm a fool, I'm a fool for cryin' / but you're just cruel, you're just cruel to leave me dyin'”

This song is about waiting to find vulnerability, empathy and ultimately love from someone that is trapped within their own perspective.

King of Queens

“King of Queens with no means to rule / there will always be a crowd to fool”

This song was inspired by the NY Mets. As someone who's never cared about baseball, I found myself in a conversation with Meshakai one day about why on earth he would spend so much time and energy watching, supporting, and caring about a team who always seemed to be losing while they painfully drag along a seemingly depressed yet unwavering fan base. As he started describing his love of the game and the Mets in particular I was struck by the poetry and romance of it all and how layered the love of the game actually was. The flip meaning of it for me again points to patriarchy and the extent to which the “kings” are still trying to assume their dominance, yet without the embracing and honouring of the divine feminine they don't have the means to “rule the world” in a deeper sense. 

Stand Under My Love

“Big sky come crashing down / there has to be a place for us in this world / with a little shelter from up above / little lies at every turn / I wanna be the face you trust in this world / when you need a little shelter / stand under my love.”

This song was inspired by wars, within ourselves and out in the world. The idea that so many people have nowhere to turn, no one who understands. It was what I wanted to sing to the refugees, even to the terrorists, to anyone that felt so pushed to their limits of living that death seemed the only option.

Walk On Water

“Take a step out, love is an ocean / we can walk on water / on water.”

This song came about regarding the relationship between a father and a son and the limits to which ego and pride had cemented a certain dynamic and behavioural pattern between them. The idea that we place limits on ourselves and our relationships with people based on our conditioning which has no absolute truth or meaning other than what we continue to give it. Borders were a strong theme in the song, and how dangerous they can be within ourselves and within the world. Again the refugee crisis had a big impact, seeing how parallel the messages were for me.

Woman

“Ancient mother of the skies / hiding behind my eyes / come out in the open before the world is broken / I am, I am / the shape of your shadow / the blood on your arrow / woman, woman.”

This was written as a kind of prayer for the divine feminine within myself and within everyone. I was really struggling to ditch the maiden seat and feel worthy of stepping up onto the throne within. I was also calling out in humble gratitude to the women who have fought to their heights and depths, often sacrificing everything for their higher calling.

Ordinary Angels

“Some kind of law / some kind of split-second magic / gone without a trace.”

This song was written during a period of pretty bad depression for me. I had been experiencing very nihilistic thoughts about life and death and perhaps confronted with yet another blow to the already exasperating desire to find meaning and magic in anything at all. It felt as though the veil of innocence had been ripped off, the drugs wore off and the lights came on to reveal there were just a bunch of actor angels wearing glow stick halos and all this time I had believed they were other worldly beings. It was my Wizard of Oz moment, I guess.

#dianebirch #diane birch #hymnpatia #hypatia #sade #stuartmatthewman

[ulrichfoester]

Being in a Relationship with an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

Amy Eden, an adult child of alcoholics and long time writer and teacher on the subject, offers insight into navigating the waters of being in love with an “ACA.”

Have you heard the one about the confused man whose girlfriend of a year and a half suddenly got mad and left him? Just up and left. They’d never fought, not once. The relationship seemed perfectly fine. He’d introduced her to his friends and his whole family. They were engaged. They were going to get married. Then she split.

Haven’t heard that one? Well, I have. Time and again. Loving someone whose parents are alcoholics is challenging and often unpredictable territory.

How can anyone really know if their partner, potential husband or wife, came from an alcoholic household? It’s rarely clear. Sometimes it’s not known that someone’s parents are alcoholics — plenty of people have alcoholic parents without realizing it. Other times a person can have alcoholic parents and know it, but not understand the extent to which growing up in that environment affected them.

While the confused man stands shell shocked, we can examine his fiancee’s perspective. She met and fell for a wonderful man. He had his life together, treated her kindly, and wanted a future with her. It was love (it must be)! Everything seemed to be going well, and although she’d never had a healthy relationship modeled for her, this seemed good. She didn’t know that she was supposed to just be herself, be vulnerable, honest, and imperfect as well as expect to be loved for all that. One day after being and doing what she intuited her boyfriend expected of her, she finally broke. It was too much to continue faking a perfect self, being pleasing, affable, not having needs, or sour moods. The skills that had served her so well in childhood weren’t working. She felt imprisoned and false. She had to get out, to flee, to breathe.

For people who grow up with an alcoholic parent, getting into relationships is like getting on a fast ride with a one-way ticket. We commit to someone who’s interested in us because we’re the ever-loyal children of dysfunctional, rigid parents, and then we buckle up and enjoy (or something) the feeling of rushing along, fast, on a course to…wherever. The sensation of beginning relationships is much like being swallowed whole and re-wiring one’s self for a new identity — the identity of our new love, whatever he or she needs us to be. With that kind of beginning, it’s easier to understand the hallmark get close-pull away pattern that often gets established in relationships in which one partner grew up around addiction.

The Survivalist Approach to Childhood Works, Yet It Doesn’t Stop

Children of alcoholics are survivalists by nurture. We do quite well in crisis and seem most calm during chaos. We are not very at ease when things are calm and ordinary because in our world calm always meant a storm was around the bend. The ability to survive an emotionally and often times physically abusive childhood environment was essential. The ability to survive required a tough exterior or a polished one (we’re often called “well-wrapped”), our armor. It required a hyper-vigilant awareness of impending danger: bad moods, yelling, or violent outbursts, all of which could strike at any time. We came to expect the unexpected and predict the unpredictable behavior or our volatile parents.

Unfortunately, we continue to live in survival mode after we leave home and set up our own lives. There’s no national agency that visits the apartments and condos of newly sprung children of alcoholics to present them with a certificate of completion. If they did, it would read: This Certifies that You Survived Childhood and Must Now Learn to Thrive in Life. The fine print would read: It’s time for a paradigm shift, so surround yourself with uplifting people, stop trying to be what you’re not, tame your true inner self, and spend the rest of your life coaxing that person out into the open and experimenting with loving yourself unconditionally.

The Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

Two important individuals in the awareness-raising of the issues adult children of alcoholics were Tony A, author of The Laundry List and founder of the original twelve-step group for adult children of alcoholics (now ACoA) and Janet Woititz, author and psychologist. Each developed a list of characteristics and common traits that children of alcoholics struggle with. Those include:

We judge ourselves mercilessly (we considered ourselves unlovable as children)

We don’t easily relax and have fun (chaos is more comfortable)

We feel somehow different from other people (sensing deep down that something is wrong)

We have a tendency to isolate (because we feel like freaks)

We have a tendency to be afraid of authority figures (because our original ones were volatile)

We seek approval (because our self-esteem is under-developed)

We feel guilty about our needs and shame about our true feelings (needs and feelings were unwelcome in childhood)

We get addicted to excitement (like a moth to the flame that is chaos)

We react to others rather than act from our desires (because being our own self was risky if not deadly)

We tend to be very serious (we’re not sure it’s okay to let our guard down)

There are more ACA traits and characteristics on Janet and Tony’s lists.

Watch out for the Trespasser Known as Transference 

If your partner hasn’t yet done the work to distinguish between their past and their present, they may be subconsciously reacting to you as if you are their parent or as if current struggles are actually past struggles. This can be very confusing for both of you.

How might you know if your partner is transferring feelings from childhood onto a present-day situation, or onto you? Their reaction may be much bigger than the situation calls for, but not only that — their reaction will also have a feeling of intense or deep emotion and they won’t quickly recover from the upset. You might sense that something else is going on, something deeper or complex, given the level of hurt your partner is showing. You may feel that a great misdeed is being attributed to you, and that despite your apology and explanation, noting seems to lessen the hurt for your partner. They are stuck in the hurt.

When someone reacts to you, or your actions, based from their feelings about another person from the past, that’s known as transference. This happens when a person transfers their thoughts or feelings about one person onto another. (Transference is different from projection, which is when another person accuses you of embodying their own thoughts, feelings, or traits.) Because children of alcoholics grow up with so much unprocessed emotional trauma, it’s easy to understand why they would transfer their hurt feelings onto someone who resembles the original source of upset — they are yearning to have the reaction and process that was never allowed and was tamped down for years.

A transference dynamic can be wearing on a relationship; it puts one partner in the position of role-playing the childhood of the other partner with no knowledge of what’s going on. It means that one partner is having the other’s feelings and possibly accusations directed at them from another time and place, not based in the present situation. This makes it hard to learn the other person’s emotional landscape. Part of getting to know a partner involves coming to understand what they like and don’t, what pushes their buttons, and what brings them joy or causes them sadness. It’s hard to get an accurate reading on a partner’s emotional landscape if they are living in the past, still wrestling with old wounds.

And from the perspective of the person who grew up with emotional trauma, it’s confusing to be unable to differentiate the amount of hurt that comes from past wounds and what amount of hurt is coming from a present scenario. By relating to a partner as if they’re the ghost of our past, like a hitching post for us to tie our hurts to, we’re unsuccessfully resolving past issues as well as distorting what’s occurring in the present. This can bring anguish when what we most desire is to be truly present and participate in the relationship in an authentic and productive way.

Seeking to Understand, Resisting Fix-It Solutions

It can feel like walking on eggshells at times with someone sensitive, who has been emotionally traumatized, and who seeks approval. Tiptoe-living is an exhausting life. If your partner had childhood trauma, they have some self-healing work to do. It’s important for you to internalize the distinction between what “understanding” looks like for you and what “fixing” looks like. As a partner, you show love through listening (especially active listening) and by learning about and understanding the person you love, where they come from. That’s all. In terms of helping, fixing, and changing your partner and their resolution of a difficult past — that is not your terrain to adventure through. If your partner is ready and willing to do the work of helping and healing themselves, they’ll do it. It cannot be rushed and you cannot do that work for them.

Be sure that you understand where the line is between understanding and fixing, and remember the simple truth that to love is to listen and to understand. (The fix-it work is the work for a therapist and your loved one.) What does that leave you with? That leaves you with the responsibility of loving your partner as he or she is, for who he or she is, rather than who they will become or what you can shape them into.

When a partner has emotional work to do, it’s easy to make a habit of focusing on their issues. It’s incredibly common — many of the emails I receive from readers of my blog include exasperated pleas for helping their boyfriend or girlfriend get un-damaged. I can only tell them that when their partner is ready to do the work, they’ll do the work. It’s fine to share a book or forward a link to someone and let them know you think they’d be well-served by reading it, but the work cannot be forced and it cannot be done by proxy.

Turning your focus to your own personal work crowds-out the habitual wondering and worrying you’ve been doing about your partner’s problems.

What might you do with the newfound time you no longer spend attempting to fix your partner’s problems? Why, taking a look at yourself of course! It’s worth considering whether there is something about this person’s history that drew you in, that clicked-into some issues or emotional habits of your own that need to be understood. If you’ve been focused on your partner’s shortcomings, create a new habit around looking into your part in the relationship dynamics. Indulge in a self-inquiry and see what you might uncover about the assumptions, expectations, and perceptions you bring to the partnership.

Upholding Responsibility and Accountability in a Partnership

Each of us wants and deserves a partner who is responsible and respectful to himself, to us, and to the relationship. Regardless of what one’s background of emotional struggles are, meeting one another at the point of shared self-respect is how relationships maintain balance and thrive.

Being in a Relationship with an Adult Child of an Alcoholic published first on https://familycookwareshop.tumblr.com/

[ulrichfoester]

Being in a Relationship with an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

Amy Eden, an adult child of alcoholics and long time writer and teacher on the subject, offers insight into navigating the waters of being in love with an “ACA.”

Have you heard the one about the confused man whose girlfriend of a year and a half suddenly got mad and left him? Just up and left. They’d never fought, not once. The relationship seemed perfectly fine. He’d introduced her to his friends and his whole family. They were engaged. They were going to get married. Then she split.

Haven’t heard that one? Well, I have. Time and again. Loving someone whose parents are alcoholics is challenging and often unpredictable territory.

How can anyone really know if their partner, potential husband or wife, came from an alcoholic household? It’s rarely clear. Sometimes it’s not known that someone’s parents are alcoholics — plenty of people have alcoholic parents without realizing it. Other times a person can have alcoholic parents and know it, but not understand the extent to which growing up in that environment affected them.

While the confused man stands shell shocked, we can examine his fiancee’s perspective. She met and fell for a wonderful man. He had his life together, treated her kindly, and wanted a future with her. It was love (it must be)! Everything seemed to be going well, and although she’d never had a healthy relationship modeled for her, this seemed good. She didn’t know that she was supposed to just be herself, be vulnerable, honest, and imperfect as well as expect to be loved for all that. One day after being and doing what she intuited her boyfriend expected of her, she finally broke. It was too much to continue faking a perfect self, being pleasing, affable, not having needs, or sour moods. The skills that had served her so well in childhood weren’t working. She felt imprisoned and false. She had to get out, to flee, to breathe.

For people who grow up with an alcoholic parent, getting into relationships is like getting on a fast ride with a one-way ticket. We commit to someone who’s interested in us because we’re the ever-loyal children of dysfunctional, rigid parents, and then we buckle up and enjoy (or something) the feeling of rushing along, fast, on a course to…wherever. The sensation of beginning relationships is much like being swallowed whole and re-wiring one’s self for a new identity — the identity of our new love, whatever he or she needs us to be. With that kind of beginning, it’s easier to understand the hallmark get close-pull away pattern that often gets established in relationships in which one partner grew up around addiction.

The Survivalist Approach to Childhood Works, Yet It Doesn’t Stop

Children of alcoholics are survivalists by nurture. We do quite well in crisis and seem most calm during chaos. We are not very at ease when things are calm and ordinary because in our world calm always meant a storm was around the bend. The ability to survive an emotionally and often times physically abusive childhood environment was essential. The ability to survive required a tough exterior or a polished one (we’re often called “well-wrapped”), our armor. It required a hyper-vigilant awareness of impending danger: bad moods, yelling, or violent outbursts, all of which could strike at any time. We came to expect the unexpected and predict the unpredictable behavior or our volatile parents.

Unfortunately, we continue to live in survival mode after we leave home and set up our own lives. There’s no national agency that visits the apartments and condos of newly sprung children of alcoholics to present them with a certificate of completion. If they did, it would read: This Certifies that You Survived Childhood and Must Now Learn to Thrive in Life. The fine print would read: It’s time for a paradigm shift, so surround yourself with uplifting people, stop trying to be what you’re not, tame your true inner self, and spend the rest of your life coaxing that person out into the open and experimenting with loving yourself unconditionally.

The Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

Two important individuals in the awareness-raising of the issues adult children of alcoholics were Tony A, author of The Laundry List and founder of the original twelve-step group for adult children of alcoholics (now ACoA) and Janet Woititz, author and psychologist. Each developed a list of characteristics and common traits that children of alcoholics struggle with. Those include:

We judge ourselves mercilessly (we considered ourselves unlovable as children)

We don’t easily relax and have fun (chaos is more comfortable)

We feel somehow different from other people (sensing deep down that something is wrong)

We have a tendency to isolate (because we feel like freaks)

We have a tendency to be afraid of authority figures (because our original ones were volatile)

We seek approval (because our self-esteem is under-developed)

We feel guilty about our needs and shame about our true feelings (needs and feelings were unwelcome in childhood)

We get addicted to excitement (like a moth to the flame that is chaos)

We react to others rather than act from our desires (because being our own self was risky if not deadly)

We tend to be very serious (we’re not sure it’s okay to let our guard down)

There are more ACA traits and characteristics on Janet and Tony’s lists.

Watch out for the Trespasser Known as Transference 

If your partner hasn’t yet done the work to distinguish between their past and their present, they may be subconsciously reacting to you as if you are their parent or as if current struggles are actually past struggles. This can be very confusing for both of you.

How might you know if your partner is transferring feelings from childhood onto a present-day situation, or onto you? Their reaction may be much bigger than the situation calls for, but not only that — their reaction will also have a feeling of intense or deep emotion and they won’t quickly recover from the upset. You might sense that something else is going on, something deeper or complex, given the level of hurt your partner is showing. You may feel that a great misdeed is being attributed to you, and that despite your apology and explanation, noting seems to lessen the hurt for your partner. They are stuck in the hurt.

When someone reacts to you, or your actions, based from their feelings about another person from the past, that’s known as transference. This happens when a person transfers their thoughts or feelings about one person onto another. (Transference is different from projection, which is when another person accuses you of embodying their own thoughts, feelings, or traits.) Because children of alcoholics grow up with so much unprocessed emotional trauma, it’s easy to understand why they would transfer their hurt feelings onto someone who resembles the original source of upset — they are yearning to have the reaction and process that was never allowed and was tamped down for years.

A transference dynamic can be wearing on a relationship; it puts one partner in the position of role-playing the childhood of the other partner with no knowledge of what’s going on. It means that one partner is having the other’s feelings and possibly accusations directed at them from another time and place, not based in the present situation. This makes it hard to learn the other person’s emotional landscape. Part of getting to know a partner involves coming to understand what they like and don’t, what pushes their buttons, and what brings them joy or causes them sadness. It’s hard to get an accurate reading on a partner’s emotional landscape if they are living in the past, still wrestling with old wounds.

And from the perspective of the person who grew up with emotional trauma, it’s confusing to be unable to differentiate the amount of hurt that comes from past wounds and what amount of hurt is coming from a present scenario. By relating to a partner as if they’re the ghost of our past, like a hitching post for us to tie our hurts to, we’re unsuccessfully resolving past issues as well as distorting what’s occurring in the present. This can bring anguish when what we most desire is to be truly present and participate in the relationship in an authentic and productive way.

Seeking to Understand, Resisting Fix-It Solutions

It can feel like walking on eggshells at times with someone sensitive, who has been emotionally traumatized, and who seeks approval. Tiptoe-living is an exhausting life. If your partner had childhood trauma, they have some self-healing work to do. It’s important for you to internalize the distinction between what “understanding” looks like for you and what “fixing” looks like. As a partner, you show love through listening (especially active listening) and by learning about and understanding the person you love, where they come from. That’s all. In terms of helping, fixing, and changing your partner and their resolution of a difficult past — that is not your terrain to adventure through. If your partner is ready and willing to do the work of helping and healing themselves, they’ll do it. It cannot be rushed and you cannot do that work for them.

Be sure that you understand where the line is between understanding and fixing, and remember the simple truth that to love is to listen and to understand. (The fix-it work is the work for a therapist and your loved one.) What does that leave you with? That leaves you with the responsibility of loving your partner as he or she is, for who he or she is, rather than who they will become or what you can shape them into.

When a partner has emotional work to do, it’s easy to make a habit of focusing on their issues. It’s incredibly common — many of the emails I receive from readers of my blog include exasperated pleas for helping their boyfriend or girlfriend get un-damaged. I can only tell them that when their partner is ready to do the work, they’ll do the work. It’s fine to share a book or forward a link to someone and let them know you think they’d be well-served by reading it, but the work cannot be forced and it cannot be done by proxy.

Turning your focus to your own personal work crowds-out the habitual wondering and worrying you’ve been doing about your partner’s problems.

What might you do with the newfound time you no longer spend attempting to fix your partner’s problems? Why, taking a look at yourself of course! It’s worth considering whether there is something about this person’s history that drew you in, that clicked-into some issues or emotional habits of your own that need to be understood. If you’ve been focused on your partner’s shortcomings, create a new habit around looking into your part in the relationship dynamics. Indulge in a self-inquiry and see what you might uncover about the assumptions, expectations, and perceptions you bring to the partnership.

Upholding Responsibility and Accountability in a Partnership

Each of us wants and deserves a partner who is responsible and respectful to himself, to us, and to the relationship. Regardless of what one’s background of emotional struggles are, meeting one another at the point of shared self-respect is how relationships maintain balance and thrive.

Being in a Relationship with an Adult Child of an Alcoholic published first on https://familycookwareshop.tumblr.com/