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nokingsonlyfooles · 4 months

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I Dunno What to Do

CW: I'm going to add a picture of a burn one of my healthcare providers gave me, just to express what's going on in general. I'll put everything under a cut.

Tonight, over a phone appointment (because she doesn't think I'm complicated enough to need an in-person appointment) the gynecologist flat out told me that thyroid and estrogen do not interact with each other (not true), that because I had a total hysterectomy I produce "no hormones" and when I sputtered and said I produce lots of hormones, she clarified that I produce no estrogen or progesterone (also not true), and she doesn't deal with anything other than "hot flashes, night sweats and vaginal dryness." That is not the nature of my symptoms - I am experiencing pain, and I told her that more than once, but I didn't get any traction until I started saying, "hot flashes, night sweats and vaginal dryness" like she wanted. The spouse thought I should make a point of reiterating that my symptoms are atypical, but she cut me off before I could even start.

It's really convenient that I have three doctors "working together" (ha-ha) on this, because nothing is ever any one doctor's responsibility. It's always someone else's problem. I said, "The progesterone helped my pain but increased my anxiety." She said, "Progesterone decreases anxiety." (Once again, not true. It can, but it can also make anxiety worse.) "That sounds like it could be something to do with your thyroid. Until you stabilize your thyroid, we won't know which symptoms are caused by what." I couldn't tell her that my thyroid meds have been stable since last September and the only thing that changed was the progesterone. I physically couldn't - if you cut me off enough times and keep saying things that don't make any sense, my words'll dry up like a wash in the desert - but I don't think it would've made any difference if I handed the phone to the spouse and let him explain. Not a good difference.

Then, in the end, she told me to stop increasing and decreasing my dosage trying to feel better, because it would mess with my thyroid and... I was the one who said that. I contradicted her when she said my thyroid had nothing to do with her. But when she wanted to control my behaviour, she threw it back in my face like she knew and I didn't.

I know my pain is increased and decreased by the hormones I'm taking, because I've been taking various combinations of hormones for years now. No estrogen or progesterone at all, which happened during the early days of the pandemic, caused the worst pain imaginable. I couldn't wear a shirt. I was taping my breasts and wearing sports bras two sizes too small just to keep them compressed and out of the way so nothing would touch them. I did that so much the tape cut my skin. Estrogen and progesterone lessen that pain, but I still have pain.

I've changed the way I carry my whole body and sleep because of this pain. I am always hunching to protect my stupid tits, and I don't reach across my upper body or hold things against my chest or let people hug me, even when I have a good day and they don't hurt so much. I'm that used to it. Because I'm not getting consistent care. And this tortured posture is contributing to my shoulder pain. Now that I've managed to wring estrogen AND progesterone out of this reluctant doctor ("You don't need progesterone unless you have a uterus. It'll make your breast pain worse. You might gain weight." *pointed look*) it hurts less, and I tripped over some exercises that are helping, but my shoulder has been hurting for years now too.

And that brings me back to my family doctor, who is supposed to take the lead and coordinate all these things, and who, in fact, gatekept me from a hormone specialist of any kind for over a year, and then referred me to these people who don't listen and don't seem to understand very basic things about hormones. At least, the gynecologist doesn't - or she's trying to dumb it down so much that she's not making any sense. I hold out some small hope the endocrinologist will see reason if I sit down and explain what's going on, but I won't see him again until March.

But, the very first referral I got from my family doctor was for the shoulder pain. He sent me to a chiropractor. She did multiple adjustments that made my shoulder numb, and burned my back with the TENS unit, probably by using dirty pads or failing to clean my skin before applying them.

Oh, and she didn't tell me. She sent me home, and I noticed the stabbing pain in my shoulder seemed a bit worse. When I looked in the bathroom mirror, I saw this:

I took a picture so I could show her, but I decided not to go back. I went to the family doctor and said, "That chiropractor you sent me to burned my back with the TENS unit" and the response was *crickets*. A blank look and it was back to "prescribing" me more herbs and supplements. He didn't even look at it.

I have scar tissue back there now, and nerve damage that's making it harder to address the original issue. I tried to get healthcare, I didn't ask the right questions or push back hard enough, and I got hurt even worse. Story of my life.

He's still pressuring me to take "sea kelp" because "it has trace minerals." It also has iodine. Lots of it. I told him I wasn't going to take any more iodine because the endocrinologist he sent me to told me it could shut down my thyroid. So now he's telling me to take sea kelp for trace minerals, like I couldn't possibly remember the iodine part. No, I'm not that stupid. I went along with the herbs for a while, too long, because that was the only thing he was offering me, and traditional medicine hadn't helped much at that point. No, turns out I didn't need unregulated OTC supplements, I needed to keep making a pest of myself until I got some real medicine. And I'm still doing that.

I just want to get better. It's hard enough putting in the effort to get better when I've gone through so much medical neglect and so many problems have piled up without being addressed. But I can't put all my energy into self care, or even most of it. I gotta fight my doctors, and do research, and piss them off by questioning their judgment again and again and again.

I suspect my family doctor is al the root of this. He doesn't care, and he refers me to other doctors who don't care. (Except the vision specialist, I found her myself. But the problem with her is, my eye thing is so uncommon most optometrists don't know about it. So I'm stuck with her too.) But I can't get rid of him unless I move to another city... or find another family doctor who's taking new patients, but there aren't any. And the clinics that fill prescriptions and do referrals won't treat me behind his back. I went to one. I tried. "You have a family doctor, he knows you better." No, he doesn't. And if he keeps treating me this way, he's gonna kill me. Or one of 'em is.

I've had doctors try to kill me before. One of 'em got me to take a dose of iron that would've put me in the hospital if a random pharmacist hadn't caught it and told me to stop. This here Canadian healthcare is the best I've ever gotten.

And, oh my god, that is terrifying.

I'm going to make an in-person appointment with the endocrinologist and lay it on the line for him: "This is what's happening. I'm getting contradictory treatment from three sources and my life is in danger. I don't have the authority to sort you out. If you can't take charge of this mess, no one else will." But if that doesn't work, or if he cuts me off before I even say it and goes, "I only treat thyroids" I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I don't like that so much of the fallout lands on my spouse. He lost someone due to this kinda neglect and I do not like hammering his trauma buttons. So I'm venting here, but I don't like doing that either. My problems are so persistent and so stupid that I sound like a scam artist or a nut. (Look, they dropped Agent Orange on my dad and didn't tell him until I was in my thirties. That's at least one big reason my body doesn't work right. I didn't even have a chance.) And he's gonna read this and get upset anyway.

But this is how I'm best able to say things, in text, and I need to say it. Maybe if I practice it here, I'll be able to explain it better to the endocrinologist. Or maybe someone'll see it and tell me some Canadian method of getting rid of an awful doctor that I'm unaware of. Other than waiting for him to get disbarred or die, ya know?

This is essentially the situation I grew up in: the people who are supposed to take care of me don't want to, but they're going to smile and say they are, and any problems I may be having are all my own fault. If I want care, I gotta steal it like Coyote grabbing fire off the gods. 'Cos I need that shit to live. But that takes so much social engineering and effort and I'm so damn tired. I'm not a Trickster or a Hero. I'm hurt. I've been hurt a long time. I ain't never gonna be "normal" but what I've managed to claw out of this broke-ass system proves that I can get better.

If they'd only let me.

#health stuff #healthcare #or the lack thereof #doctors #canada #cw: injury #maybe body horror too i dunno #vent #trying to stay hopeful #oh boy but i'm running out of options #this is more than i've ever had but i'd like to be better instead of less worse #and the difference between those is care

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lonely-soul-02 · 1 year

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Noel leaves Oasis: reading between the lines

From Tales From the Middle of Nowhere

Translating Noel:

The Roundhouse was...erm...very odd: that was fucking excruciating and my heart was ripped to shreds.

What' siz' name exploded with pretend rage: Liam was the angriest I've ever seen him

Strange cat: I know exactly why he was angry

Probably on his man period: I know exactly why he was angry

Didn't notice him getting any more hairy though: it's a miracle he restrained himself as well as he did

Onwards and sideways: we are fucked

Didn't stick around for the gig...couldn't be arsed: didn't want to fight with Liam, especially with him in that state and me in my state

Too many squares for my liking: Liam's people suspect I'm leaving and are not shy in letting me know what they think of me

The Gig in question, The Roundhouse Liam's anger on full display

youtube

Translating Noel:

I didn't enjoy it one bit: worst night of my life, maybe even worse than the Roundhouse gig

Dunno: I know exactly why

Couldn't get into it: couldn't concentrate I'm so upset

Very strange: we are fucked

Don't feel too clever: Don't know if I'm doing the right thing

Outrageous stomach ache: I feel sick with the stress and anxiety of what I am about to do

I'm coming down with summat: I can't handle this

Might have to get the doctor out: I'm not ok

Hope it came out of the speakers all right: hope nobody noticed my distress

Gutted: Heartbroken

Oh well there's always tomorrow: I know we're done

The gig in question, V Festival, Oasis' last

youtube

Translating Noel:

Dearly beloved: Dear Liam

I have been forced to leave Oasis: you have forced me to leave Oasis

The details are not important: the details are too much for me to handle

...the level of verbal and violent intimidation towards me has become intolerable: Oasis is no longer a safe space and I am too tired and emotionally vulnerable to try and resolve our many issues

The lack of support from my bandmates and management: no one will help us, everyone just stands by and watches us destroy our relationship

...has left me with no other option: I know I've always claimed to be the band's problem solver but I can't solve a problem as big as us by myself

...seek pastures new: I have to look out for myself

Thanks to @lily-bluey for the PDF

#oasis split #gallagher relationship #oasis #team gallagher #I feel sorry for both of them #they needed help and didn't get it #I don't think Noel really wanted to leave #he would come to regret it in the months afterward but was eventually resigned to seeing it through #not enough reaching out too much northern-men-don't-have-feelings #roundhouse gig

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mswhich · 1 month

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20 questions for fic writers

Tagged by the marvelous, magical @elder-flower! Exactly the thing I needed to keep procrastinating on my WIP! edited to add I just noticed that Tumblr turned all of the numbers into the number 1. IDK, I'm not gonna fix it, just roll with it.

How many works do you have on AO3?

56.

What's your total AO3 word count?

675,992

What fandoms do you write for?

Lots and lots. Lately, 2001: a Space Odyssey. But also a lot of original works, plus Formula 1 RPF, Harry Potter, Teen Wolf, occasionally some Taskmaster RPF.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Unforced Error (Harry Potter), 3798 Forged in Flames (Harry Potter), 3722 (my first fanfic!) No Secrets (Teen Wolf), 2738 Bondmate (Original Work), 1326 The Frontier Spirit (Original Work), 1280

Do you respond to comments?

God, I try, but I'm so bad at it. I always feel so awkward about comment replies. I wish I could just click like on them and leave an emoji or something. I do try to get to as many as I can, though.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I dunno if you'd call it angst exactly, but I've written a fair amount of noncon where the "bad guys" win. Probably Experiment XB-20, which ends with someone finding out they've been getting repeatedly memory wiped and then nonconned, shortly before getting memory wiped again.

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I write a lot of happy endings, tbh. Let's just say that the large majority of my fics end reasonably happily for most participants involved. (With a few notable exceptions.)

Do you get hate on fics?

You would think I would. I write a lot of unrepentant noncon, often with underage characters. I write RPF. I write incest. But apart from the occasional "wtf" comment, I've so far managed to avoid attracting significant hate. If I did get a hate comment, I would just delete it. I am too old for drama.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Fuck yes. All kinds! I have been writing smut since I first started writing fiction. Stephen King once said, in response to a question about why he wrote horror fiction, that if he and Louis L'Amour both visited a lake, Louis would write about cowboys herding cattle near the lake, whereas King would write about a creepy lake monster; that's just how their brains work. Well, I would write about people having weird, power dynamic-y, kinky sex near the lake. That's how MY brain works.

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Not really, but wouldn't rule it out.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I have occasionally had people report to me that my fics were stolen and nameswapped. AO3 has been pretty good about taking them down quickly though.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Many times, yes. I hope the translations are good! I have no real way of knowing.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have not, and have no real plans to do so.

What’s your all time favourite ship?

Ugh, I ship so much. SO MUCH. Honestly, probably Peter Hale/Stiles Stilinski. It just works for me. Age gap, characters who are smart as fuck and morally gray, power dynamics, and werewolf powers. It has everything.

What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have most of a novel-length fic written in the Harry Potter fandom. It's post-War and Snape comes to stay at Grimmauld Place while they're rebuilding Hogwarts. Ginny Weasley is the only person there at first, and they kind of circle each other warily at first and then come to a cautious detente, which turns into a bit of a friendship. There's something weird going on with the portraits in the house, though, and when Snape notices it, there's an action sequence that ends with him getting them the fuck out of Dodge and going on the run. I actually love this story, it's entirely drafted and 80% written, and I just had to work out a couple plot issues at the end. And then the HP fandom kind of blew up and the creator turned out to be one of the literal worst people in the world, and I just don't know if I can ever bring myself to finish it. We'll see.

What are your writing strengths?

Uh. I....don't know? People seem to like my fics for the most part, but I'm not sure I could nail down exactly why.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I repeat myself too much. I say the same things repeatedly, over and over again, reiterating on a theme. But joking aside, I swear I spend half of my time in editing removing stuff like this.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I'm fine with it, if it fits the characters and it works. I prefer it if there are either a lot of English cognates so you can kind of work out what they're saying, or if the author translates it in the author's note.

First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter. I found a shitload of Hermione/Snape fic, read as much of it as I could find, and then thought, you know, I think I could do at least as well as some of these? So I tried my hand at it and have never really quit writing fic since.

Favourite fic you’ve written?

I'm saying two. One is Crown of Neon Lights, because I love the characters and story so much. And the other is Bondmate, same reason. But really I love most of my fics. They are like my precious babies and I adore them all. tagging (pls feel free to ignore) @whimsicalmeerkat @jammerific

#writing meme

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onebizarrekai · 1 year

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some ibvs-related stuff

you probably noticed that it's been quite some time since ibvs updated (like. eight months) and while ibvs tends to have pretty large time gaps between updates, this one has been particularly long. it's been more of an unannounced and uncoordinated break, to be honest. I was hoping that I could at least update it before the end of the year. I still kind of want to do that—maybe it'll be easier after my next concert is over in the next few days—but yeah, it has been a long time.

I've been having a really hard time creating stuff lately. sure, I've cranked out a few dsmp pieces, I made a lot of danganronpa art and writing this year before I did that, but I mean like, in the last while. maybe the last 6 months or so. I don't even know how I posted anything in august. like, yes, my ao3 says I cranked some danganronpa stuff out in august, but I don't… really remember writing anything in august. I barely remember what I was doing in august. I guess they were like, partially completed wips already so all I had to do was get them done. I dunno.

I finished one fairly long-ish fic in the last month. I uh, had to post it anonymously for reasons, and I'm proud of what I wrote, but that's pretty much all I've been able to get done done. I guess this is part of the problem? not really ever feeling done with stuff. or maybe forgetting how much I've achieved and only being able to focus on the stuff I haven't been able to. and I have all these ideas for this same fandom and I'm struggling to get those done too. and like, my v3 fic series is just kinda collecting dust because I haven't been thinking about danganronpa in the last few months. that's just how it is, I suppose.

I've also just had like, the worst writer's block ever for ibvs and I'm just shoveling around in fandoms (and often misery) trying to stave off stress. I keep looking back at it and going "am I happy with this" and like, I am. I should be. I'm pretty happy with it, but the longer I go unable to write it the more I feel like I'm just adding things to the story that aren't gonna matter to anyone even though… it is that. it is the story. I'm writing it for fun. it doesn't have to be perfect. it has to start somewhere, but every time I try to write it it feels like I'm off in the deep end. I have to remember everything. I have to backtrack and make sure I know what I'm talking about. I have to make sure that I don't write anything that, well… is boring as hell.

I've been getting caught in a lot of negative thinking and I'm both trying to focus on mental health while also feeling like the things I'm doing on behalf of 'focusing on mental health' are actually either sustaining the problem or making it worse. like it's making me feel more lethargic and more trapped and less able to create things. I'm trying to get a therapist, but no insurance-covered psychologist who lives in near me is willing to do in-person sessions. one of my issues is feeling like I'm stuck at my computer and stuck online and stuck inside where everything is nonpermanent and I can't move; doing online counseling would make things worse. I don't really get it. I'm hoping I get a proper one soon.

anyway… we'll see if I feel better after the concert is over. maybe after I actually manage to get a therapist. thanks for the patience, everyone.

#random stuff #just like. mental health or the lack thereof stuff #I've been doing show stuff basically nonstop since like. june #got a break in november #but is it really a break if I still have a gig in december

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babstheyaga · 7 months

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Have you ever think about what would happen if reader from the "reality" got isekai into FMOGD universe? The whole situation would go exactly like the novel or manga type beat of "I got isekai into my favorite book/game/show!" Imagine waking up one day at school that seems familiar like you read the description of somewhere, yet you couldn't say that you've seen the place before in your entire life. Then you heard the voice that sounds awfully similiar to what you've heard in the movie theater awhile ago.

"Hey, you gonna wake up or keep napping like a baby?." The voice from above tease you playfully before you slowly refocus your gaze.

This guy look awfully familiar, black hair in wolf cut, mismatch eye colors, goth punk clothes, lots of piercing.

Oh it's Mirage...OH IT'S MIRAGE!

As you look up at him up side down, you realize you're laying on his lap. You felt tears pricking at the corner of your eyes as you felt the flooding tsunami size of glee filled your whole heart. You called his name with a sob then spring up to embrace him tightly while babbling out sweet nothing words to pour your heart out to the character that you finally met and get to hug physically.

How you got here, and how to get back to "reality", those questions and worry can wait. You're occupied with loving your favorite goth best friend Mirage after all.

The responses would be different for everyone, of course, as I'm not the author of your legitimate reactions, only the "character" I make you out to be in the series.

But, my response would surprisingly be either extremely similar in one aspect, and the complete opposite in the other.

Over my years of bad encounters with people, I realize I have very much so a fawn response to people I know, and a horrific flight to strangers.

Putting myself into the shoes of say a scene revolving something similar to Mirage in the hotel alone, where the reader and him have sex while she is tired up... I would have a array of reactions. I don't talk about it often, but I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder when I was 19, and since then I've learned a lot about it, like how my alters are basically only males.

I consider myself asexual for this reason. I'm basically totally unable to have any form of sexual encounter with anyone without one of my alters saying "Nope!" And basically running away, thinking the worst of how we even managed to get into that situation. It's a trauma response according to our therapist. I dunno, I know nothing about it.

My protector is a male, I'm extremely close with him, and since I learned he existed through my therapist, I've learned how to communicate with him properly. We have full out conversations now outloud, and he's been known to be one of the only people who are able to take the reins, if you will, whenever in a bad situation, which happens quite often sadly enough.

I would most likely die very quickly if I were situated in that position.

I have way too many mental problems, anger issues and bad anxiety to be able to properly put up a fight.

I guess that's why I write, isn't it? To just get away from my vision of myself in my head, and write what I would like to be on paper. It helps me build more confidence in myself, and in my daydreams for FMOD and COSIO, I envision myself, but my personality is completely different.

I dunno, I have a lot of self hatred. I'd definitely die within the first hour.

"Pick someone." Optimus said.

"I would but oh my lord i'm so not happy right now man - You-you-you-you can't - don 't put me on the spot - i swear to god i'm gonna drown myself in a river - DON'T MAKE ME CHOSE I'M BAD AT DECISIONS - I want my freaking MOM LEMME CALL MY MOM PLEASE -" I said calmly.

#related to fmod #god i love asks

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song-of-oots · 2 years

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There’s a particular character archetype that I seem to end up completely obsessed with over and over again, and I’ve been thinking about the reasons why and realising some things. So my favourite character type can be summed up as:

Evil/morally grey character with deep-rooted emotional issues who nevertheless possesses a spark of underlying decency, leading to potential for positive growth (though don’t count on it).

Examples include: Severus Snape, Sandor Clegane and Redcloak

I occasionally come across people asserting that this kind of fascination comes from a “fix-it” mentality, where silly women just like the idea of taking a bad man and making him better.

But I realised it’s not about me wanting to change someone else.

It’s about me wanting to change me.

I don’t want to get too bogged down in personal details so I’ll keep this bit brief:

I've had a lot of problems with depression and anxiety over the years. These things have been very up and down, but I've learned that even when I'm feeling well there are certain circumstances I should probably avoid because they are likely to trigger relapses (unfortunately this has rather buggered up my professional life, where there are certain types of job I simply cannot do without having a nervous breakdown). And while I've managed to drag myself out of the worst bouts of depression, I have never been able to tackle the root cause of the problem and I don't know if I ever will. (It’s not even that I don’t know what the root cause of the problem is. I do, I’ve realised what major influences caused this negative view of myself and I also know, logically, that there’s no reason to keep believing that stuff. And yet, here I am, still only partially free from it all.)

The point I’m trying to make is that deep-rooted psychological change is hard.

I think this is a part of the reason why characters like Severus Snape, Sandor Clegane and Redcloak have taken up permanent residence in my brain. What really grabs me about them is how impacted they all are by their own unprocessed emotional trauma, and how stuck they are in negative thought patterns. It’s not really the notion of absolution or redemption that speaks to me – the removal of the stain of sin and wrong-doing – it’s more about the process, the mere possibility of positive change and healing (whether it is successful or not).

It’s the fact that for these characters to achieve any kind of peace of mind and become better people, they have to face up to these emotional issues, and think their way through those thought patterns. And they each come across as desperately authentic to me because of the implicit acknowledgment that this kind of change is really, really messy and difficult. I will them to succeed, but still love them as characters to an almost painful degree regardless of whether they do or not. It fascinates me to see how different writers tackle the subject – not only with how change and transformation can happen, but also how and why it can fail.

And one may ask why I get particularly fascinated by these morally questionable characters, rather than literally any other straight-up heroic character with emotional issues who struggles to overcome them to become a better person?

Why Severus Snape and not Neville Longbottom?

Why Redcloak and not Haley Starshine?

Why Sandor Clegane and not… I dunno actually cos it’s been a while since I read ASOIAF and I think sometimes the notion of who is a ‘hero’ and who isn’t is actually quite blurry (and further obscured by the fact that the story is unfinished) but… maybe Dany? Arya? Sansa? John? Bran? This is a really interesting thing to think about actually, hmmm…

Anyway, the heroic characters are still interesting, but not usually to the point that they keep me awake at night, shredding my heart into little itty bits an setting my brain abuzz.

And I’m not sure I know the answer. There is more than one reason for my fascination with villains, but I think what’s most relevant to this particular question boils down to this: fiction is a safe space to deal with extremes. You can safely imagine the worst kinds of people you can possibly think of, and think about what circumstances, what choices made them this way? and also what could help them to change? Can they change at all??

It’s kinda funny, because it’s not like seeing these characters succeed would suddenly unlock the secret of how I, too, can overcome my demons, but nevertheless it’s still pretty damn cathartic and moving to think that they could. Whereas those that fail or only partially succeed are a reminder that struggling with crap like this is actually a very painfully human experience. And when I’ve been depressed, these characters have managed to maintain a fascination and emotional vibrancy that cuts through the numbness and anxiety. They’ve sent a message that if these people who are objectively worse than me can improve themselves – if I can even just believe in the possibility that they could – then maybe I won’t always be as disgusting as I have, at times, believed myself to be. They’ve been a part of me that my self-loathing couldn’t quite reach, and helped me to cling on when I’ve needed something to cling to.

#severus snape #sandor clegane #redcloak #my favourite characters #mental illness #mental health #even when they fail there is catharsis in tragedy #also mentioning: nastasya filippovna #she's not a villain just unpleasant sometimes #but the basic ideas are the same and i love her

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lmanburg-letter-service · 9 months

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Dear, well, the rest of SBI I guess?

It's been a looong time since I've seen you three, and I guess I sorta miss you. Not a lot though, obviously, I'm a big man and I don't miss anybody

To Phil, I hope you're okay and doing well, that you've found the person, or people? that you were looking for. It'd be so funny if the crows found them first and sent you on a wild goose chase, but guess I won't ever find out

I do hope that you managed to get yourself out of the one sticky situation that you found yourself in. I hope you're okay and haven't forgotten me because the last letter I can remember from you is one from source. I miss your stories and adventures. Maybe you'll find yourself back here again sometime soon, but I dunno, I hardly believe that honestly

To Technobladee, don't tell Wil, but you're still my favorite brother no matter how much stuff happened between us. I think I finally understand where you were coming from, with the government stuff and what-not.

I get the whole corruption and control stuff now and I guess there's other stuff with it but I don't have the energy to cover this stuff the way you did with your "Gov. Bad. Anar. Good." lectures. Did you ever get better at those? I sure hope so cus those were borin as shit to sit through

But I do still love you, even if we ended stuff on a bad note before you left the smp. I sometimes hope you got my letters, but even then, it doesn't feel like you did. I think you would've been proud of my writing improvement, too. It stopped looking like "chicken scratch" (even though it was fine and completely legible to me) after a few letters, and I'm still good at writing now aside from a few imperfections that I like

To Wilbur? I don't really know what to say. You're not Philza Minecraft. Therefore, you're automatically one of the worst people alive- or unalived-alive? At this point, you're just redeadvibed and passed Dreams stupid revival vibe check with even gayer colors than the last. (Seriously, what was it between you and Quackity?)

But really, you needed help, and I really hope you had gotten it because I think I miss you. I miss just hanging out with you and having fun in our crappy van. I miss the late night campfires where you'd play a random song on the guitar for everybody far and near.

I hated the person you became for a bit, and then I hated Phil for a bit because I thought it was his fault. Then I realized it was Philza, and I can't hate Phil. So, I blamed everyone else around me for the longest time because I didn't understand why nobody had helped you.

I don't really know where else to go with this part of the letter, I had more to say, and then I got distracted, and now I can't remember. I just,, hope you're finally okay, or at least on the road to getting there. I know it was my fault, I know I cut you off, but I genuinely miss you, I just don't know the first thing about finding you.

To the admin, sorry this is so long, boss man, I'm just realizing I could have sent in separate much shorter letters rather than one big one. I don't really want to flood your inbox, though

Anyways,

This is from Tommy, AKA The Biggest Man around (also also if this does get posted, can it be tagged with fictive tags? not forced)

[Letter Sent!]

#to: various #from: tommy #dsmp fictive #tommy fictive #dw about the length bossman! and ofc you can get fictive tags #Mod Archive

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oncetherenowhere · 4 months

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Woke up at 3am, after having two back to back terrifying nightmares. Moved to another room to try and sleep again...only to experience the worst sleep paralysis of my life. I was completely trapped. It was like I forgot all the techniques I knew to combat it; its happened before, and I've coped, but this was the worst.

Woke up fully at five am. Tried to just breathe and get my bearings together until my alarm went off at five thirty.

Managed to have a bowl of cereal for breakfast. Made coffee.

I've been getting in the habit of weighing my food. Ever since October, when my cousin passed away, I've been binge eating. I gained nearly 20 pounds in a startlingly short amount of time. I've kept it under wraps the past week by weighing my food and keeping a log, but without binging, I feel...bored. Funnily enough, though, I feel less hungry. I've been keeping a daily protein goal, eating more nutritious stuff.

Gotta get ready to go to work. Gonna slam some ibuprofen to get rid of this gnarly headache.

I made a post yesterday about how I vented to H, but how I didn't scream and yell. Later in the night, around eight o'clock, something triggered me, and I DID scream and yell. H talked me down, and helped me do a breathing exercise, but I feel totally ashamed. He's such a good husband. He doesn't deserve a spouse that has outbursts. They've been happening less frequently; I've been utilizing different techniques to calm down, to move past triggers, to center myself. I guess last night, I just couldn't cut it.

I'm very close to having my period...I'm wondering if that has an effect.

I dunno. I'm rambling a lot here. I'm just trying to make sense of it.

One of my nightmares was my mom, calling me about another death in the family. It fucked me up. We had two family deaths back to back, and I think its done something to my brain. I've been thinking about mortality a lot, recently.

I want to keep living. I'm scared I'll die. Other times, I want to die. Then, I want to keep living. The cycle continues, fear, and depression, and hope, forever and ever.

I'm trying to make the best of this. I'm trying my best.

What a terrible night.

#journal #tw nightmares #tw sleep paralysis #tw eating disorder #tw suicidal ideation #i dont know why i bother tagging these #nobody reads rhem #not meant to be passive aggressive just wondering about my own behavior #its better safe than sorry

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dramatisperscnae · 6 months

Note

Candle emoji (for inner thoughts) - Dick about Clint

[Candle For Some Thoughts? || accepting]

DG-AL-35

The day Clint Barton actually realizes how good a man he is will probably be the same day the sun explodes, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I know I have guilt issues, but Clint beats himself up over so much it's a wonder anyone else ever manages to get a bruise in on him. And, I mean, we're both kind of alike as circus kids who made good, sort of, but Clint…I almost think he's forgotten that it's okay to be only human.

That he still has worth beyond what he can do.

I mean, don't get me wrong, he's the best goddamned marksman I know - and I can and will say that to Oliver's face; I should, just to watch his expression, it'd be hilarious - but does he actually understand how incredible he is that he's keeping up with all these people, enhanced humans and metas or mutants or whatever you want to call them and even a literal god apparently? And he's doing it on his own. And yet every time something happens he's the first one to kick himself while he's down.

I'm pretty sure at this point Clint has more scars than Bruce did, and Bruce was covered in the damned things. And his childhood was worse than Jason's, what little I know of it; some things can't ever be un-known, and I'm not gonna make Clint relive hell just because I'm a nosy bastard. But through all of that he's still a genuinely good person. Who doesn't seem to actually realize that about himself. And it's heartbreaking.

I wish he'd stop blaming himself for things that weren't his fault. Brainwashing is terrible, I've seen it before. I've seen the aftereffects. Mind control, all of it, it's fucked up, and the worst part of it is that I can't argue and tell him that he didn't kill anyone. He knows he did. So do I. But he wasn't in control of himself at the time. It wasn't his fault, even if it was his hand on the bowstring. If he'd been in his right mind none of that would have ever happened. And I can't even tell him that because he'll start blaming himself for being weak enough to get brainwashed in the first place.

Like that's a sign of weakness.

It's not. He's only fucking human for fuck's sake. The best at what he does, sure, but still only human. And there's nothing wrong with that.

He's not as stupid as he thinks he is, either. I wish I could beat the shit out of whoever convinced him he was, because he's not. Maybe Clint isn't book-smart, but he's sure as fuck street-smart, and that's a different level of intelligence that's just as important. He's reckless and impulsive, but that doesn't make him stupid. If he were actually as stupid as he seems to think he'd have died at least a dozen times over by now just in the time since we reconnected.

And yet nothing I can say or do will drive any of this into that fucking hard head of his. I dunno, maybe osmosis will work eventually. As long as Clint learns to accept that he's allowed to have nice things and be loved I can probably live with it.

#Communication #normaltothemax #dick ic #nighthawk: head in the clouds

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avengernomore · 7 months

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Name: Josh, but I have been known by many names, Shadow, Cobalt, Sasuke-Mun... Star Sign: Pisces. I'mma feesh Height: I don't know exactly but like, 5'10"? 5'11"? (177cm-180cm) Middle name: David.

Put your itunes/spotify/youtube on shuffle. What are the first 6 songs that popped up?: Oh god, let's see how my music playlist on YouTube is gonna expose me... 1. BIG SHOT feat. Alpharad [Deltarune Metal Cover] - FamilyJules 2. "Spider Dance" (Vocal Music Box Cover // Undertale) - Adriana Figueroa 3. Homestuck - MeGaLoVania - Toby Fox 4. Touhou Luna Nights BGM - Stage 4 Boss - Septette for the Dead Princess - Team Ladybug 5. Eye of the Tiger by Survivor (Duet) - Gawr Gura and Nanashi Mumei 6. PCB Stage 6 Boss - Yuyuko Saigyouji's Theme - Border of Life - ZUN

Well, that could have been a lot worse.

Ever had a poem or song written about you: Not as far as I'm aware, no. Dunno how I'd react if someone had done it... probably would depend on how well I knew them. When was the last time you played air guitar: ...I dunno, actually. I'm way more likely to just jiggle my leg and tap my fingers to the rhythm on whatever hard surface is nearest. Who is your celebrity crush?: Uhhhhh... I dunno. Like, I have a lot of celebrities that I REALLY like, like Robin Williams (R.I.P.) and Daniel Craig, but I'm not really crushing on any celebrities at all? Not that those two would be likely candidates, since I'm a heterosexual guy, but nyeh. What’s a sound you hate? A sound you love?: The sound of people chewing with their mouth open and the sound of polystyrene. Sounds I love though... I'm struggling to think of anything other than meowing. Some meowing, of course. I just like talking to cats and having them talk back. :3

Do you believe in ghosts?: Not really, no. How about aliens: I mean, do you KNOW how big the universe is? No, of course you don't. No-one knows how big the universe is, that's how fucking big it is. And when you look at the sky, and see all those stars? There's even more planets than stars. We cannot be the only planet where life occured and flourished. Like, that's just statistically impossible, I think. Do you drive?: Nah. Honestly, I'm a little scared of learning, and if I did learn I'd probably just work on getting a license for an automatic. A little less to worry about when driving. If so have you ever crashed: I mean, I don't drive, but I've fallen off horses before, does that count?

What was the last book you read?: I mean, if you want a new book I've read... then I have no idea. If you want one that I've re-read, Scott Pilgrim Vol. 2 Do you like the smell of gasoline: ... in small doses. It's just a really heavy smell so a little of it goes a long way.

What was the last movie you saw?: Knives Out!! Such a great film, great to see Daniel Craig proving that he can do more than just James Bond even after so long, and Chris Evans showing that he can still be an asshole after being Captain America for so long. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?: ...Honestly, it's a bit of a draw. When I fell of the horse, like I mentioned above, I fell onto my back, couldn't get up for a minute, and wasn't in any condition to get back on the horse that day. My arm and shoulder hurt for 2 weeks, and my back was aching for a week or two after that. And that was when I was a teenager. More recently, I ended up falling backwards in a really awkward way and busted both of my kneecaps. Couldn't get up for five minutes, got up, managed to finish my walk home, and then could barely walk for like a week, and my knees still hurt 3 weeks later. That was when I was much older so I dunno which is worse really. Do you have any obsessions right now?: .....Watermelon/Suika Game. Shush.

Tagged by: Yoinked from: @yukixxnoxxtsubasa Tagging: DO IT, YOU WON'T!

#mun info #mun stuff

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thedaveandkimmershow · 8 months

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So I spent the last week detailing our wedding anniversary celebration vacation... basically, reliving it.

Why?

Long standing policy, I guess. Too much of life passes by in the rush of the present and so much is lost when it does.

Lost?

Lost to memory. Things that happened to me, to us, experiences that are overwritten by next experiences. Small things that might be important if given a little space to grow. Small things that if given space to grow might inform me in some important way.

You never know, is my point. And this is something over which I do have control: considering what has happened and allowing it to affect what will happen.

In the case of our vacation, it could hardly have gone better. It wasn't all about doing... and so there was actual relaxing happening.

Not the worst lesson ever.

I'm also reminded of how it was with us and our SLR cameras all those years ago when we were dating. We'd go places to see what there was to see... and then take photographs of what inspired us. It was a true experience of exploration and discovery, the very example, today, of which is exploring what we otherwise assumed would be cordoned off to the public–which was actually not–and discovering an entire section of park that's been closed, abandon in a way.

Click this link for the 360 experience, best if you use your phone's auto-rotate setting and look at it as a landscape, not a portrait.

The arena was definitely the biggest example of looking passed the obvious because so much was beyond the obvious. I'm impressed guests can still walk around all this. For us, it was very much exploration and discovery. After all, at some point we saw cordoned-off lanes as if for long lines of concert goers that begged the question.

Where does this go?

Which is how we found the theater, ready for some big performance. Except no. We wound up asking and, while this section of the park is no longer "online" (for lack of a better word), Universal hasn't announced what's gonna be here instead. An extension of Hogsmeade? A little bit more Seuss? Maybe something completely new?

No one knows.

But it was fun navigating to that understanding.

Here's what is used to be, though...

youtube

Photography isn't the only way we explore and discover. While traveling, especially, there seems to be more latitude for spontaneous discussion. And if not latitude across all travelers then we certainly feel a more widespread permission to engage with fellow travelers that we don't normally feel to that degree during our normal day to day work/home routine. I dunno. There's more ability to continue and navigate smaller conversations into much larger ones. There's more conversational and experiential improv we manage on the fly and the time to do it. Yes, we're a little more in the moment... but it's still exploration and discovery, the best example of which definitely comes from improv'ing our way through one evening.

It's from our first night at a bar that we found ourselves in because the first two places we checked out for dinner didn't really speak to us. So we arrive at this bar when a bunch of guests have gotten up to leave so we grab their seats and ask the bartender if that was gonna be okay which leads to an engaging conversation lasting, on and off, our entire experience of drinks and appetizers.

Toward the end, we hear a favorite classic rock song. Kimmer mentions the song she'd like to hear. I pitch the song to the band and later, when I've actually forgotten I'd done that...

They start playing the song.

So we listen from the back of the main floor and, after the song's finished, we find ourselves at the front of the stage talking to these guys starting with how we're here at Universal celebrating our wedding anniversary. Which prompts them to ask about our actual wedding all those years ago. Which leads to a discussion about wedding songs that ends with Kimmer saying how much we enjoy AC/DC.

And then this happens.

youtube

Okay yes.

More please.

Because.

Exploration and discovery pave the way for such experiences. Improv'ing conversations and experiences can lead to this. Being open and being fully engaged in these moments...

Yeah.

It's a helluva a thing that can happen.

Which makes me wonder.

Is this only possible on the road?

#travel #conversation #experience #shared experience #poseidon's fury #margaritaville #bryan malpass #tanner johnson #serendipity #open #friendly #kind #wedding anniversary #ac/dc #fun #joy #breathtaking

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knowlessman · 11 months

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idk, bnha ig. s3e22-25

oh yeah, this intro. still wondering who that with the teeth and the goggles is.

…huh. bakugo and tallboi didn't get in. -- tallboi still doing that headplant thing, huh. 'XD captain-ginyu-ass weirdo

mineta: says literally anything me: skip. -- how did we use to watch things on the television, without being able to pause or fast-forward or anything? how did we live like that?

"I'll see you at the thing, but I honestly still don't really like you, so apologies in advance!" …I think I like it when people/characters have the capacity to admit they don't really like each other without actually being each other's problem. There's a bit in Bottle Shock (which I'm not really sure why I've seen, tbph) where one guy goes "Why don't I like you?" and gets a frank, guileless answer. IIRC, the two just kinda… still manage to not like each other but also don't antagonize each other.

BUH 0_0 vampire girl WAS there

hm. All for One looks kinda like Asura from Soul Eater when he's gettin his skin figured out. -- "I hate this prison. I turned myself into an SCP and I'm being treated like it, and I hate it." -- "Then let me predict what's going to happen by rattling off a list of stuff that literally happened just before I was incarcerated" -- well, that accomplished fuckall. unless all might just wanted confirmation that there was infighting among the villains, but I'm pretty sure they already knew that.

sure, tell god explosion murder all your secrets why don't you. you almost did before. -- "kacchan, how far are we going?" deku why do you talk to people. why do you talk to this guy, specifically. -- clarification: people need to be able to admit they don't like each other and live with it and not make it their defining character trait. -- 'XD bakugo literally has a modernized version of Sid's t-shirt from toy story. hell, it probably would've been the Punisher logo if they thought they'd get away with it -- deku, never learn to play poker. anything with bluffing in it, for that matter. -- bakugo doesn't even have the self-awareness to know that he won't like the outcome no matter who wins.

"why here?" "because if we fight anywhere else, people will try to stop me from k--ing you." for pity's sake, expel this guy already. clap him back in that Lecter getup again and stop letting people talk to him who aren't trained to help monsters unlearn their monstery ways.

dang this intro got some good vocals in it. some danged good tunes.

pauses to try to read eraser head's screen d'oh. it's gonna be in Japanese anyway knowless, you idiot

"he had to retire because of me" bakugo possesses an entire inch of character depth? :O bakugo possesses a single thought in that mono-red, oops-all-burn-spells brain of his that almost approaches guilt about how he's affected somebody else? -- "don't make me think!" mono. red. oops. all. burn. spells.

"why deku?" "he gives half a shit about other people. that's it. that's the entire secret." -- "I pronounce you the Worst Most Toxic Most Abusive Ship that Anyone Has Ever Shipped." Maybe second-worst if you put Harley and Joker in front, god only knows how bad that one's gone in one canon or another. -- This is… mostly… a well-written show. I dunno about Bakugo tho, I dunno where the mangaka's head is at tbph. We have All Might being smart enough to worry about being too Might Guy, but then we also have this. -- "that's not what I wanted to hear" you don't want to hear anything, you want to be angry and hurt people. -- "I'm not keeping this secret for you, I'm keeping it because it'll be a hassle for me otherwise." the toxic masculinity this fucking biohazard of a human being puts out could power a mid-sized country. -- "to surpass deku, I'll make everything my own like he does" you'll start reading and taking notes?

"I was the cause. it's because bakugo needs serious therapy from an amazing psychologist and for some reason my stupid ass is practically the only authority figure in his life who's ever attempted to talk to him." well, him and best jeanist, who seemed to do fuckall besides give him a goofy makeover.

I guess, from the inner dialogue, that's Twice? thought it was Bakuswole

Class B has literally the Geico caveman and that goomba kid. dangit I wanna know more about them. also that dark souls helmet person.

yooo, it's gamzee again, hell yeah! shinso!

is making everyone stand at assembly while the principal says literally fuckall a thing over here, too? I didn't go to high school.

"you got caught breaking the rules, so as punishment you're basically guaranteed to fail your classes"? wtf -- "what are you???" oh come on deku that's at best like the third weirdest quirk you've seen

Tintin! That's who this noclip fucker looks like! -- "I remember him from the sports festival. he made a strange impression." oh for fuck's sake. another nudist?

hm. goblin boy can't do public speaking. big relate.

this is cool and all but his ability could still have allowed him to keep his clothes on, pseudoscientific plausibility be damned, and that would've been fine. even the point of this spiel wouldn't have been affected.

ayup. next on the list, I believe, is the Do-or-Die bonus episodes, then s4

#knowless watches bnha

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doktordismemberment · 1 year

Text

Roundup #6: Roguelike Mustard Adventure/ Cringesanity

Blah Blah:

Not a whole lot to report this week. Really just that tomorrow is my wife's birthday so we're probably gonna hang out, eat pierogis, and play Shredder's Revenge.

Other than that? I dunno... Still chipping away at learning music theory so things might be a bit quiet on the music front until I get that figured out.

Oh yeah, the grocery store I've been going to for the past seven years completely reshuffled all their aisles so it just took me almost half an hour of dungeon crawling to find mustard.

Muzak:

Heretical Sect - Picked this up without knowing much about the band 'cos I thought the album cover was cool and man it's good... Crusty doom/ death that sounds like "IVth Crusade" era Bolt Thrower covering "Through Silver in Blood."

Forn - Funeral doom leaning heavily in the direction of death metal. Manages to be both achingly sad and totally fucking crushing, often at the same time.

Isole - Like I said when I wrote about these guys the other day: I always had it in my head that Isole sounded like Nightwish but it turns out I was wrong and they're more along the lines of Solstice or early Candlemass which makes me feel extremely stupid for not checking them out sooner.

Thy Catafalque - Super proggy black metal from Hungary. In a weird way they kind of remind of Galloping Coroners crossed with Emperor or Arcturus.

Heilung - Super hypnotic "viking folk" music that is pretty similar to something like Garmarna I guess.

Gotta be honest and say I'm a little bit skeptical of these guys 'cos paganism/ heathenry comes with a lot of sketchy baggage, and over the top theatricality is not usually my thing, but they definitely scratch an itch when I want to zone out.

Second song on this newest album is really good.

Video Games:

Fire Pro Wrestling World - I really liked the Fire Pro game that was on PS2 back in the day so I've been wanting to pick up the new one for a while now. Just saw it on sale for $9 and that was enough of a discount that I finally pulled the trigger. So far it's exactly what I expected and you can play as Jushin Thunder Liger, so yeah... two thumbs up from me.

Xenoblade Chronicles - It took a while but the combat is finally making sense and I'm honestly really enjoying the story which is essentially: "Progressive Death Metal Album Cover: The Anime".

Reading:

I stalled out on my book but my iPad is charging and I swear I'm gonna finish the fucking thing this week.

Up next: Probably Red Harvest by Dasheill Hammett

Tube:

A bunch of the 90's/ 00's era Godzilla flicks.

Hakaider

Burst City

Devil's Rain

This weirdo Christian doomsday cult indoctrination DVD we found at a used bookstore for $2.

That 2000s era live-action Casshern flick that is kind of an over the top CGI nightmare, but stylized enough to be pretty cool as far as anime adaptations go... I went into this not expecting much but probably liked it better than any of the Matrix films.

Dragon Ball Evolution I was aware this existed but only sought it out after hearing it was one of the worst films ever made because I kind of collect worst films ever made.

A weird live action video game/ anime/ horror movie fan-film rabbit hole which I must say is a rich vein of hilarious cringe/ insanity (cringesanity?).

youtube

#Roundup #Youtube #Bandcamp

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yostresswritinggirl · 3 years

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100 Followers Special

(And how to participate) you don't need to be a follower to vote ack

~yostresswritinggirl

Hello AGAIN, with your back to back followers special! Exiled here, very tired, as I just closed the requests box for our 50 followers special. I asked for some recommendations and no one helped me so this is what I came up with!

Granted, it's nothing that special, I literally just dumped my notes into this so—

Please make sure to follow the guidelines and read this thoroughly to properly participate!

1. You will be given a long list of fic prompts specific to a character that I've come up with for weeks on end, please don't steal, as I will remove them after this event is done!

2. Voting! You now have the power to influence my writing schedule haha- what you need to do: is to pick three prompts from the list and send it to me; either through reblog tag, a reply, or in my ask box (not anon so we can count fairly, will not publish these answers tho so worry not)! Not in messages tho! It should be in this format:

1. Character - prompt or prompt title

2. Character - prompt or prompt title

3. Character - prompt or prompt title

example:

1. Albedo - Citrinitas

2. Zhongli - Braid

3. Xingqui - Author!Reader

The top three most voted prompt and character will be the next fics I'll publish after I'm done with the current reqs. Speaking of: Voting ends when I finish the current reqs. You'll know it's done once the counter in my blog desc reaches 12/12.

3. In addition to the three prompts, you also get to add your own prompt to it! My prompts list does not include ALL the characters that's why I wanted to give you this option too! Add a fourth number and specify a character, a prompt/idea, and the format of the fic! Format it this way:

4. Character - Prompt/Idea (Format)

4. Kaeya - What's under that eyepatch? (Scenario)

After I pooled the answers, I'll randomly pick between the bonus answers and write them last! So give it your best shot!

4. Tags-list! I thought this would be necessary for this kind of a whim special, so if you wanna be tagged, just put Tag Me! at the end of your vote. Please make sure that you're actually able to be tagged because I just tried and some users are not in my orbit huhu, look here

5. If a pocket watch/series prompt gets chosen, I will only post the first chapter, not the whole damn fic pls. Have mercy,,,

I will post a counter of the top three in my blog description and will be updated as frequently as possible. Any questions, please direct to this post or my dms <3

Without further ado, here is your choice list!

Xingqui - "My liege, would you care to accompany me on my reading break? I've picked up a romance novel and it reminded me of us."

-> Author!Reader: You met Xingqui at Wanwen Bookhouse when delivering a batch of your newly-published book. But as a ghost writer, no one knew it was you that authored such books. Safe to say it was cute watching the noble bookworm fanboy about you in front of you. [FLUFF] [FIC]

-> Headcanons with a reader older than Xingqui who's a close family friend of the Feiyun Commerce Guild. Fascinated after meeting you in a party, the noble boy aspires to become the best man for you despite the difference, promising to be the best suitable partner for you in the future. [FLUFF] [HEADCANON SCENARIO]

Childe - "Hey there, comrade! What a coincidence that we had a break at the same time, care to accompany me for a walk? I promise I won’t lead you to a fight haha... hey, don’t look at me like that!”

-> Antinomy - The 10th Harbinger (You) and the little shit they had to mentor (Childe), this fic enumerates the trials of the 11th before he became a Harbinger under your care. From strangers to mentor to friends to love- Childe made a grave mistake, now you’re once again strangers. [FLANGST] [ONESHOT]

Albedo - "Ah, it's you. I've heard of fleeting rumors that you've been pestering a certain someone just to see me. Next time, just come directly to me, I wouldn't mind the assertiveness."

-> Refer to these three as well: Albedo Fic Ideas [FLUFF/FLANGST/FLANGST] [ONESHOT/ONESHOT/SERIES]

-> “You’re Enough”: A year into being the new Chief Alchemist of Mond, Albedo finds himself holed up in his room in the dead of night, haunted as he continuously comes out empty on his research to bring his master back, feeling inadequate. So you reminded him of what he’s capable of. [FLUFF?] [ONESHOT INSPIRED BY You Are Enough - Sleeping At Last]

-> Under the Artificial Sky: Michaelangelo Scenario focused on Albedo’s sketching aspect. Grand Master Varka and Acting Grand Master Jean figured Albedo needed a break and a change of scenery, and sent him off under the guise of a commission in Liyue. What he didn’t expect was another artist from Fontaine accompanying him in this big project.(Albedo and Reader are tasked to paint the new Jade Chamber within 7 days) [FLUFF] [SERIES - 7 CHAPTERS]

-> Albedo SMUT: I had this idea while laying wide awake at 3 AM. The alchemist had been trying all remedies to shake off the stress and fatigue in his system and they all seemed to fail, no amount of sketching or discoveries can pull him away from it. So when you offered a solution he hasn’t heard, he’d jump at it immediately. “You know, some people say having intercourse with someone is a good stress-reliever.” “Intercourse? If it’s true, then please, I wish to have intercourse with you.” “Wha- wait Albedo, do you not know what that is? It’s only done between lovers!” “Convenient, I love you, anything else?” (Two virgin dumbasses do the thing to relieve stress) [SMUT] [ONESHOT]

Xiao - “I’ve taken care of every threat around this area, you can relax now, I made sure of that.”

-> What is it with you and Qingxin flowers? The Traveler had once heard of Xiao’s affinity for Qingxin flowers, and they’re flying companion boldly asked this lingering question to the adepti himself. His pupils dilate and sharpen before Paimon could finish her sentence. (An origin story about his favorite flower, and his favorite person) [SLIGHT FLANGST] [ONESHOT]

-> Just how harmful is adeptal energy to normal humans? You both found out in the worst way possible: silently, deadly. (Slight spoiler: you fucking die) [ANGST] [ONESHOT]

-> Nightmares Taste Horrible: He’s seen that look in your eyes and the ancient soul within it; you’ve lived long ago, and the only thing your soul carried now was the nightmares of a macabre timeline. Was it him or was it demons that brought you that fear? No matter, he’ll protect you even from yourself. (eating the nightmare of a dead soul reincarnated to you) [FLANGST?] [ONESHOT]

-> Go for the throat: The seal that marked you had made it all too late for him to remedy. Bleeding eyes, growing fangs, it’s just another demon to vanquish just like he’s done for centuries. What makes it different was it was sealed in you. (Inspired from Melanie Martinez’s song uhu) [ANGST] [ONESHOT]

Zhongli - “Mortals are capable creatures that evolve and adapt for means of survival, but they advance in ways that changes the world around them. This retirement, may be harder to me than it is to them.”

-> “In human history, there’s a certain noble and powerful connotation to rulers who braid their hair.” Convince to braid his hair using some historical braid trivia; that long hair behind his back should not be ignored for any longer. [PURE FLUFF] [DRABBLE]

-> History has its eyes on you: A traveling theatre hailing from the land of entertainment finds its way to Liyue for their last caravan. A certain Geo Vision man seems to resonate with your newest script: fighting and protecting your land, building up its nation, before being forced to let go of it. He resonates maybe a little too much. (Musical!Reader with heavy references to Hamilton hehe) [FLUFF] [ONESHOT]

Venti - "Can you hear the symphonies of the wind as it sings to you? That's me, guiding you and protecting you! Whenever you hear it, know that you're safe and sound under my protection!"

-> the one the bard once loved: like actual bard, you are the archer or smth, loved by Venti and Barbatos. Yandere!Barbatos undertones, very unhealthy relationship. This hurts the kokoro. [PURE ANGST] [ONESHOT]

-> The Caravan: (related to the Zhongli and Musical!Reader up there) Your caravan stops at Mondstadt for a whole week before it reaches its final destination. This new fanfare pulled in a peculiar bard who now wants to tag along for the fun of it. "I have no more responsibilities in this free land!" Just what kind of responsibilities does a broke bard have in the first place? [FLUFF] [ONESHOT/HEADCANON]

Diluc - "You look weary, and you still managed to pull yourself here. Here, a fresh and cold glass, on the house. A relieved smile should be enough payment."

-> Abandoned by The Altar: A timeline oriented story focused on your once perfect childhood relationship as Diluc's bride to be, soon becoming estranged after the death of his father and his neglect. You only wish now that he looks at you the same way he did when you heard you were supposed to be together forever when you were young. [FLANFF] (The ending gets better pls; Inspired by Still Into You - Paramore) [ONESHOT]

-> There are No Laws Against Homelessness in Mondstadt: My favorite title out of all of this ahahhaa- who says adventurers can't be broke? You're the living embodiment of that. (Good boi Diluc with a broke ass reader) [FLUFF] (Warning: homelessness) [ONESHOT]

Scaramouche - "Let's go already, the sun is setting and we're nowhere near our destination. If you wanted to linger just to spend more time with me, I would have indulged you behind closed doors anyways."

-> Scaramouche Finally Does the Fandango: Have you ever wondered how Scaramouche is like working with other people? His first assignment was to accompany you in your main region and he sees you in your natural habitat, entranced. [I dunno how to tag this, NORMAL?] [ONESHOT/SHORT]

-> Skincare bitch, how I headcanon Scaramouche as someone actually conscious and always tending to their skin. Look at that smooth skin, cute cheeks, let me pinch, eyeliner glory— In which case, that hat has more purpose than being a frisbee. (May or may not include reader. (based from a reblog convo with chels-void) [GOOD VIBES] [HEADCANONS]

-> Once Supreme: Before Scaramouche, there was someone else higher than him. Before Balladeer there was just a young man fighting for his beliefs and her Majesty. Before Mondstadt, his smile wasn't just for deception. "Someday, someone would take advantage of that smile, Scaramouche. It's not appropriate in this work environment." The day you break a man. (Harbinger!Reader again, and lots of HCs for Scaramouche, same format as Antinomy) [I also do not know how to call this, eventual ANGST] [ONESHOT]

Kaeya - "What are you doing out here in the dead of night? Citizens like you should be cozied up in bed and leaving the patrols to us Knights. Come, I'll accompany you back home."

-> Honey Whiskey: A mysterious band of dancers from Sumeru visits Mondstadt and its taverns to offer a night of alluring dances. What was supposed to be a night of drinking for Kaeya and his troops ended up becoming a tipsy surprise mission when the main dancer steps down from the stage— and ignores him?! How scandalous! (Slightly suggestive themes/You're a bad guy) [COOL?] [ONESHOT] [slightly inspired by song with the same name]

General:

-> A Musical!Reader but with a scenario with every other character, most probably headcanons master post.

-> Genshin Food prompts: From that one post, I ended up making a whole storyline of oneshots related to their special dishes. Oneshots connected to a bigger picture. By impulse you've ended up leaving your normal life behind to pursue your cooking career, starting from Mondstadt, to learn all the cuisines to establish the first ever international restaurant. With the implications of magic and peculiar customers, your simple dream turns into a harder goal. [GOOD SHIT] [SERIES] [CANON-COMPLIANT]

-> God of Time!Reader that hails from Fontaine. Do you wish to know more about their origins and their purpose in this world? [CANON-COMPLIANT] [HEADCANONS] (General since it deals with all the characters/interactions)

▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱

Tagslist-for-my-thirsty-homies:

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miss-kittys-magical-library · 3 years

Text

Someone Saved My Life

(Jack x Rin Davies, Pt 1)

Word Count: 3600

Warnings: nothing just intimacy, implied sex and a bit of angst thrown in for funsies

A/N: Jack takes Rin to the Yorkshire Moors for their first holiday together. After all they've been through together, they could use the time away. And yet their first night ends with the arrival of an unwanted guest. ((Totally didn't plan on writing anything let alone another story for the two of them. Was going to try to work on an Ivan story, but I tossed around this idea for months now, and it just felt right? Self indulgence is my new name when it comes to writing!))

Things weren't always perfect between Jack and Rin. Jack had days where he slipped back into isolation. The sadness would swell and he wouldn't sleep. Rin knew those were the times he was surrounded. Overwhelmed. And while he mostly ignored the dead, she could feel when they simply refused to ignore him.

They would come in droves and scatter about any room Jack was in. Crammed together like sardines in a can all shouting for messages to be passed to the living. Sometimes Rin would give him a wide berth, the death and decay crawled along her own skin. She would dress with every inch of her skin covered and attempt to sleep alone while Jack banished himself to the sofa. Those nights resulted in him exploding with anger and shouts of desperation to be left alone.

The guilt would wash over Rin. They're a couple, she would remember. Partners. Not just lovers and friends. You take the worst of one another as your own, and she could ACTUALLY do that for Jack. Letting him be was not a choice anymore, no matter what he believed.

Rin would go and gently talk Jack down into her lap. His thick mass of waves and curls against her bare thighs would be sweaty. He would curl on his side with a hand under legs instead of his cheek. His other by his mouth so he could anxiously chew on the already devastated thumb nail. She knew his eyes would be jammed shut.

Rin would brush the curls off Jack’s forehead with fingertips. Fingers that traced delicate and light patterns over his temples and cheeks where they wiped away tears as she hummed. Her thumb soft along his lips before they ran back up where she would press her index, middle, and ring finger into his temple. Then she would sing and fill his head with warmth and love to bring the light instead of death.

“Someone saved my life tonight..” And Rin would look up and around at them all. Her voice came out soft and full of affection. She would narrow her eyes in their direction. Silently chastising them all the while comforting Jack.

His body relaxed as she continued, “You almost had your hooks in me. Didn't you dear. You nearly had me roped and tied. Altar bound, hypnotized, sweet freedom, whispered in my ear. You're a butterfly, and butterflies are free to fly. Fly away..” Her hand would sweep in a wild gesture along the lot of them. He would be asleep, and she would be alone with the shock of the departed that they had another to see them.

As long as Rin connected with Jack he wasn't alone in his ability. They discovered that with Finch. Jack was the conjurer; Rin the conduit. A hundred years ago they would have been rich in the spiritualism movement. Now they were labeled mental and mad and stuffed full of chemicals, their gifts silenced.

Never again for either of them, Rin would hold back the dead so her love could sleep and get peace. When she interfered the protection emanated from her. They would stop shouting, stop begging, just.. stop. Rin would flick her hand like she was casting a powerful spell, her eyes set in determination. Then they would be gone.

Then there were times like this. When Jack closed up his shop with a sign that said “I'm on Holidays. Dunno when, I'm almost thirty and this is my first one.” He put himself and Rin on a train up to Yorkshire where they hailed a cab to what was theirs for the next month.

Rin gazed in delight at the two story stone cottage. It was covered in ivy and moss with a carved stone fence and a picket gate. There was a little English rose garden off to the side of the house, and wildflowers simply everywhere else. In the hills beyond stood grazing cattle and a pond. Behind the hills of Yorkshire.

“Oh, Jack,” it was just a breath that managed to escape her.

“D’you reckon it's alright?” he scratched his shaggy head. There was worry in his green eyes as he glanced towards his partner for approval.

Rin’s eyes met Jack’s, and she slipped her ungloved hand inside of his. Their palms together, she squeezed. “This is stunning,” she hoped to reassure him. Her gratitude and pleasure flowed from her body to his through her touch.

Jack had just bent to kiss Rin when someone interrupted them and cleared their throat. A feminine voice shouted, “Yoo hoo! Hello!”

The couple turned to see a stout, round faced cheerful old woman in the garden. She wore a wide brim straw hat, an old dress and an apron. Rin was reminded of a human Mrs. Potts as the elder smiled wide.

“Aren't you a delight!” she beamed. Making her way to the gate she stopped. “I'm Mrs. Barrow. My husband, Henry is round back in the barn. Oh it's been AGES since we've had newlyweds.”

Jack's cheeks pinked, but Rin giggled. “No. We're not married.”

“Oh, sinful little doves.” The old woman winked. “By the looks of him, I can see why.” She fanned herself dramatically and Jack now turned red. He scratched at his head even harder whilst his eyebrows disappeared in his hair.

“This is Jack, and I'm Wren. But you can call me Rin! Are you the caretakers? Is this your house? We're on our first holiday together.” The words tumbled out of the young woman before she could stop herself.

“Oh no, little Wren. Henry and I..” Rin had let go of Jack's hand to shake Mrs. Barrow’s. The moment she let go, the old woman disappeared. Rin gasped and turned to her boyfriend.

“She was telling us she and her husband did live here. Died from the Spanish flu a hundred years ago.” Jack gave a little shrug, but a tiny grin had crept into the corners of his mouth. “They love it here so much, neither moved on.”

Rin reached for him, and his hand covered hers. The old woman reappeared. “Sorry, Missus. I didn't know?”

She laughed heartily in response, “Sometimes Henry and I forget we're dead. Never had someone who could see us before. Let alone a couple. The moors are full of ghosts, mostly long gone. None of us here for a bother, especially since your beau here looks exhausted. Just popped in for a bit of cheek and a greeting. If you need us, give a shout ok?” Then she was gone.

“Why can't they all be like that?!” Jack almost shouted his question.

“Maybe we should move up here where they've had time to get used to it? The ones in Manchester are all.. fresh and selfish and confused.”

Rin pulled Jack towards her for a kiss. His tongue teased her for the briefest moment before he picked her up and carried her in his arms towards the cottage.

“What are you doing?!” she squealed.

“Dunno. Little biddie thought we’re married,” he leaned in to kiss her a few more times. He waggled his eyebrows, “Might as well act like it.”

“Jack, we just got here!”

“I've been ready since we woke up. We’ll have a shag then go out to the pub for a few pints and some fish n chips.”

“Romantic,” Rin rolled her eyes as Jack opened the door around her.

“Oh, you love me!” Jack set her down in the foyer then playfully slapped his girlfriend on the ass.

Rin jumped and bolted up the stairs before he could catch her. “I do!” she called down to him. “What's that vow? Till death do us part?” She started to strip her clothes off to her bra and panties. Her finger made a come here motion before she disappeared around a corner.

Jack's face fell, but only for the swiftest of moments. “Even then you wouldn't be gone.”

------

Rin snuck out of the bed as she so often did after they had sex. Mostly because it was the soundest Jack ever slept with his long limbs stretched out as if she wasn’t there. Or he would envelop her in his arms without a choice. And even though she understood Jack's desire to be with her constantly, sometimes Rin felt smothered.

Now she stood at the foot of the bed to watch Jack's breathing as his sternum rose and fell with a steady rhythm. He laid on his back, arm above his head in a languid position. The sheets barely draped across his hips to reveal the V shape of his pelvis and just a tuft of pubic hair. Rin’s eyes kept going until she felt her heart between her thighs and not in her chest.

“Go take a bath,” her brain scolded her. “Wash off the train and sex before you go out for dinner. You stand here any longer, you'll wake him up by straddling him.”

Rin’s body wavered. I mean, that was an idea. “BATH, ADERYN DAVIES!” At least her inner monologue didn't use her middle name.

Rin closed the door and turned on the hot water. She was lost in thought as it filled. How she and Jack developed a willingness to share their bodies with one another in the light. That she relished how their chests and mouths and skin dissipated into reciprocated emotions. Jack was addicted to it the way she could absorb him and switch places with him. Show him what it was like to be her. Empathy became his heroin.

Rin climbed into the tub and settled against the porcelain. She relaxed her mind and body until only her breasts remained afloat. She never took a bath. Not since her time in hospital when she and Jack met. Where the dead tried to drown them. But she and Jack saved each other.

Maybe because they were nearing the three year anniversary of that awful time, but Rin thought about it more these days. She held her hands above the water and ran her scarred fingers over the further damage she had done to herself. The long jagged line from her wrist to forearm. Usually she wasn't quite THAT bad off when she tried to commit suicide, and even now she couldn't remember what was her trigger that day.

“There's not even a word to describe how bloody melancholy suicides are when they come ‘round,” Jack would say. “Maybe desolate?”

“Did you ever try?”

“Not that I remember. Didn't wanna upset Emma. Always seems so messy. Guess maybe I was doing it slowly though, the way I lived. We're ok now, right?” he would ask and kiss her hand.

“We're diamonds, Jack,” she would respond, "Unbreakable.”

Now Rin knew he was in the doorway. It was hard to sneak up on her if you gave off too much emotion. Currently Jack was as warm and comforting as the water she floated about in.

“You alright?” his sleepy voice carried a trace of concern.

Rin looked up and back at him, her fingers still on her scar. “Yeah! Just thinking about us. This.”

The air shifted. A wicked grin played across Jack's face as he walked around the side of the tub. His naked body in full view. Rin’s face flushed and her heart raced, but she kept her composure on the surface as he stepped in to join her. His hands on her waist drew her into his lap. She threw her arms around his neck as they held onto each other tightly. Jack pressed his lips to Rin’s neck where he kissed a trail down over the curve of her shoulder.

“Jaacckk,” she whinged. “Come on I was sat here having a think, and you’re like a teenage boy with this!” She tried to hide a moan when he bent her back to capture her breast in his mouth. “Bless,” was her response.

“I can't help it!” he teased from between them. “I have so much lost time, and you’re so bloody sexy.”

“Will you put that thing away!” Rin’s voice was louder, but still had laughter in it. “C’mon Jack. This should be sweet and romantic. Somehow you always turn it into a porno.”

“I can't help that my,” Jack pointed his finger towards the water and whistled, “likes you. Loves you? Always wants to be in you.”

“Cock, Jack. It's called a cock. Shouldn't it be used to me by now? It's been almost a year.”

Jack stopped teasing Rin. He looked at her seriously now. Those green eyes seemed to search her soul as they moved back and forth over her face. “One year?”

“Yes.”

“I can't believe I had forgotten you all the time between..” his voice trailed off.

“It's ok,” Rin spoke softly.

Jack turned his bottom lip out, “Now I'm sad. So we should shag in this bathtub, then I won't be!”

Rin groaned for a long time after that. “No!! Sex in hot tubs or bath tubs or pools isnt the best. Water is a shite lubricant, trust.”

Jack pushed her away and feigned disgust. “Have you shagged in them before?”

“Once or twice.”

“With Roland?”

“What?! No! I told you we only had sex once. Then he left LITERALLY the next day. Why are you so weirdly jealous of him? It wasn't my first time. I've been with loads of men.”

Rin sat back again on her side of the tub. She reached for the body wash on a shelf, and started to use it on her arms and chest. Her eyebrow arched as if she was trying to challenge Jack to get angry at her sexual history.

Jack pulled his knees to his chest. “Are you hoping I get pissed that you've had sex with other guys? Of course you have, you're beautiful. Roland is just so.. Roland.”

“Fair play, but he has a gift like we do.”

“Ghosts and music. Worst super powers ever,” he mused.

Rin opened her arms and motioned Jack to settle in between them and her legs. He turned and laid down with his back completely pressed into her. She kissed his cheek then gestured for him to tilt his head back with her finger under his chin. Jack obeyed with his eyes closed.

Rin cupped water in her hand and poured it over his hair. She repeated the process a few times before he sunk down under the water. She marveled at how long his hair was when wet or straightened. At how long his arms and legs and torso were as he held on to her own knees that were drawn up around him. At how far he had come from the man drawn into himself high, on psych meds, with dirty fingernails and rough cheeks. Now he was open and present and relaxed in her arms.

“Birdie,” Jack started calling her that out of a desire to give her some kind of nickname. Love and darling and babe weren't enough.

“Jackie?” only Rin got away with that. She put some shampoo in her hand and lathered them together in front of their bodies before she dove into his hair.

“You're making me sad thinking about how poor I was when we met. You know, passing it from yourself to me without meaning.”

“What?” she was concentrating on massaging Jack's entire head. Her light fingers made circles and gentle scratches. Then they widened and she drew bigger circles. She didn't want to leave out one inch of his scalp.

“You're body, it's pressed to mine? You're passing along your thoughts without noticing because we're relaxed. But also, please keep doing that. Holy shit that feels nice.”

Rin kept on. She alternated from soft to a little harder to as much pressure as Jack allowed. He gripped her calf and ankles now wrapped around his waist. She used her thumbs to stroke his temples and rub across his forehead before going back to knead the rest of his head again.

Her attention back to reality instead of just on making sure Jack was cared for, she realized what had happened. “I'm sorry! Sorry. I can block it if you want?” She separated her body from his and unwound her legs. Jack held on.

“It's fine,” he reassured her. “Just let me mind your body too?”

Rin snickered, “You minded my body for about an hour already.”

Jack gave an annoyed smirk and rolled his eyes. “I mean like this!” he gestured towards her washing his hair.

“You can wash my hair. That would be lovely.”

“Why don't I..” he stroked his chin. Jack's eyes settled on the stuff she had spread out on the sink. “Shave your legs?”

“Blimey,” Rin whispered. “Really?” Her heart took to pounding in her ears. She eased him down into the water to rinse everything from him clean. “Jack that's very..”

“Intimate?” he was already standing to carefully choose what was her razor and shaving cream. He held them in her direction for approval.

“Actually, yes.” Rin nodded, “And yes. This is really different from shaving your face, y’know. I've got to trust you completely because that is a new blade, and I always nick a damn patch of skin.”

Jack sat back down in the water, placed the razor on the edge of the tub and lifted Rin’s ankle. He pinioned her foot to his chest and bit his entire bottom lip. She felt exposed, made vulnerable by this position. He was looking at the half of her naked body just below the water’s surface. The can of gel faltered as he shook it.

“Jack! You're shaving my legs, not my twat. Eyes on what you're doing!” Rin snapped her finger to catch his attention.

“I can do-”

“Keep speaking, and no sex for two days.”

Jack frowned but sprayed the soap on her shin. He spread it around from the ankle up to her knee before trying to go higher. Rin held up her hand, “Only strippers and sex workers shave that high!”

He snorted and continued on the back of her leg and made sure to get the back of her knee. She was especially ticklish there and jerked her body and giggled as a result. They both could be in trouble: Jack with a sharp object; Rin with the ability to kick him in the sternum if he wasn't careful.

“Better luck if you're facing away from me. You have to shave with the blades towards my knee. You best sit back against me like before.”

“Or,” Jack held the razor backwards with the head towards his wrist. His thumb on the grooved grip as he placed it delicately by Rin’s ankle. The handle was awkward in his large fingers as he took it gingerly and with the utmost of care upward. The blade made a path in the cream as he moved it up to her knee.

Rin inhaled as he did the same gesture again. She exhaled when the razor met her kneecap. Steady breathing with each swipe along her leg. The tip of Jack's tongue stuck out from his lips as he concentrated. He worked and focused and shifted her calf just enough to get the sides and the back. The only sound in the bathroom was the splish of water when he cleaned the blade after each path.

“Oh,” was all that left Rin’s mouth the entire time. Her eyes never left Jack's face while his own refused to break away from her leg.

“You alright?” Jack finally looked up at Rin just as he was getting a start on her other leg.

Rin shook her head with enthusiasm. Now her turn to bite her bottom lip before a giant smile crawled from ear to ear. “I'm grand! I love you.”

And just like he always did when she said that, Jack looked sheepish. Like he still couldn't believe that any.one would love him let alone a whole family of them. Rin. Emma. Billy. Jerry. They all loved him without condition.

“I love you too,” Jack smiled in kind. It reached his eyes in wrinkled skin in the corners of them. He made his way around his girlfriend’s other leg and realized something had grown inside of him. He was starting to care for himself.

So this is it, Jack thought as he finished shaving Rin’s legs, I think I love myself?

Before he could say anything the doorbell rang downstairs and scared the shit out of them both. They scrambled to their feet and started to dry off in a harried way. In the bedroom, they threw on clothes as the bell rang out again with more insistence.

“Can ghosts ring?”

“No! Not usually. BLOODY HELL WE’RE COMING!” Jack shouted as he rushed down the steps. He turned the light on in the foyer and opened the door. Rin couldn't make out anything but Jack’s shocked voice. “What the fuck are you doing here? You're two weeks early, mate.”

“She.. I should've.. Wren.. I lost my..” the words were broken up by Jack's body.

Rin made her way down and peered around Jack's shoulder. A tired, swollen eyed man stood on the front stoop. His hair was a curly mess; his goatee and mustache looked like a positive fright. She could tell he hadn't been sleeping much. It was the first time Rin had seen him alone in the last year. It was the first time Rin had seen him in PERSON in maybe seven in spite of all his promises.

“ROLAND?!”

Both he and Jack turned towards Rin and shouted simultaneously, “Surprise!”

tag @robertsheehanownsmyass @magic-multicolored-miracle @slutforrobbiebro @forenschik @super-unpredictable98 @bisexualnathanyoung @nightmonsters @rob-private @badsext @bwritesstuff @frogs--are--bitches

#robert sheehan #robert sheehan character fic #jack x rin #jack x rin davies #jack mason?#my beautiful broken man

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