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#i don't know know why Im on there my friend said it was an good idea but Im already regretting but I can't just delete it or whatever
yuyu1024 · 2 days
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Babe
Pairings: S.coups × y/n
Genre/tags: protective/possessive bf
Warning: 🔞🔞🔞 fluff but smut, unprotected sex, pet names, cursing, semi public, handjob
~~~ [lmk if i miss anything]
Words: 3k
Disclaimers:
- this story is just made up
- english is not my first language, please be nice 😊
A/N: looong time no post. ✨️I was away... got sick and mentally not doing okay... and I dont think im 100% okay yet...Its been hard but still trying my best :)
i might be coming back to writing here and there... but not consistent. Hopefully you understand...
meaning, i will be a 🐌 in updating nor posting and won't be online mostly. 🖤
(i cant promise i can jump back to the Yoongi/Suga series yet also sorry 😭 hopefully one day but not soon.)
Me writing... is depending if im okay.
Also, Thank you for the kind messages in DMs. I really do appreciate them...even tho i don't reply 🖤 pls know its very helpful.
Thank you.
P.S its been a long time since i wrote anything so.... rusty.🥲 this is my just trying to get back to it.
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Seungcheol, your boyfriend, texted you to meet him at school. Which surprised you the second you read it because it has been weeks since he went to school.
He has been doing special online classes these past weeks as he can't walk. Yet. He slipped while playing soccer with the boys two months ago causing an injury on his left leg. It was very painful to watch him yell in pain during that game. It was supposed to be just a fun game with his friends and you and their other friends watching but yeah, accidents happen.
"What are you doing here?" You gasp the second you enter the University clinic and saw your boyfriend sitting and chatting with the school doctor.
"Babe." He smiles and opens his arm, asking for a welcome hug
"Babe!" You squeal and immediately run and hugged him tightly.
"I missed you." He mumbles lightly lifting you off the floor even he's sitting on the clinic's bed.
He never lost his strength.
"Ditto." You say and kissed him on his cheek before letting go. "Wait... why are you here?" You ask again. "He can go back to school now?" You turn to ask the doctor behind you
"He can. But I still suggest no." He folds the folder his holding and sits down on his desk. "He can walk now with crutches easily yes... but... going up and down... walking building to building to classes...." doctor shakes his head
"I'm just here to visit, babe." Cheolie says caressing your back. "To report my health to him... to let know the team..."
"Oh."
"I'm sorry..." he press his lips together and giving you an apologetic look.
"I'll leave you two to talk... I have to go on a meeting now in the faculty. Just let the nurse know when you leave okay? So she can assist you with the wheel chair."
"Okay, doc. Thank you."
And as soon as the doctor leaves and shut the door close behind him, Seungcheol immediately grabs you by the waist, pull you close to his body and leans in to fully kiss you.
It feels rushed at the beginning but as soon as you find the perfect spot to lean your body weight to his, it felt smooth and just sensational. You even opened your mouth completely to let his tongue explore you.
You two haven't kissed for awhile. The rent is due.
"I missed you so much." He whisper as he pulls away to take a breather.
"This is the longest we've been away from each other..." you say as you straighten your stand
"Yeah... I got busy healing..."
"And I got busy at school... and at home..." you answer as you sit down beside him. "How are you feeling at the moment?"
"Good....well.. better now that I've kissed you." He smirks and plants a tiny kiss on your temple
"Babe..." you lean on his shoulder
"You know you always make me feel good..." he chuckles. "Also... Doc said my leg is healing pretty good..."
"That's good to hear..." you stand up once again. "So... can I--"
And before you could ask him another question about visiting him soon at home Seungcheol kisses you on your cheek and then on the back of your hand.
"Thank you for always calling me... every night... making sure to check on me... give me updates at school and being an understanding girlfriend. Even though you are tired yourself."
"I didn't do that much." You say holding his hand. "If only I could visit you personally I would..."
But you couldn't. It's not like he leaves far away from you. It's just that you wanted him to just rest. You know how he is when he sees you. He gets excited and acts everything is fine even though he is in pain.
He would probably force himself to get up when you visit him. It's kind og his thing to show off he is strong. Especially to you. He is your alpha lover.
"No...babe. just you calling has saved me from a lot of bad moods and not doing my therapies because... I'm not in the mood." He kisses your hand again.
"Well I'm glad... I could help..." you say smiling.
"And also..." he then bites his lower lip whilst smiling. You already know what he's about to say with those cheeky smirks.
"Hush..." you cover his mouth with your hand, scared that he might say it outloud and the nurse from behind the door might hear. "That's for us only..." you whisper.
He is referring to the video call sessions you do every now and then. To help him when he is... sad and horny.
"You promised... no one should know..."
"Of course..." he murmurs, his mouth is still covered by your hand. "The images are for my eyes to see and for my dick to feel only." He adds and then playfully licks your palm, making you jump a little.
"Hey!" You slap him on his shoulder
He is grinning so much. He is enjoying your reactions. "You're so adorable being shy..." he puts his arm around your waist, securing you between his legs. "My shy little fairy..." he mumbles just before he kisses you again.
You don't deny him of any sort of making out. Even at the clinic. Why woulf you? You missed him so bad too.
So bad that even his hands is skimming your body and even lifting your short A-Line skirt, exposing your bum, just to squeeze it is fine. Perfectly fine.
"Wait." He pauses and looks you in the eyes. "You are wearing a skirt this short... with no protective shorts under?"
"Hmm?" You look at him, confused for a second. "Oh."
He is yout alpha, yes. And one trait of him that is very dominant is him being protective of you. He does not like anyone hurting you, being mean to you and most especially drooling over you. You are his and only his.
"What you mean oh?" He raises a brow. "Well? Why aren't you wearing one?"
You don't have a good excuse. You just forgot. Well... you have been forgetting since he have been away.
"Y/N..."
"You're now calling me by name...." you move back away a little. "I'm sorry... I have no excuse..."
"What if some maniac sees you? When you go up stairs? Or the elevator in the media building? You know its glass right? They can see... what if wind blows and..." he sighs, frustrated. "You know how most guys are."
"I know... I'm really sorry." You pout. "I didn't purposely forget it..."
You see the change in his mood. He is very possessive of you so you know that just the idea of any guy looking at you because they find you cute or have interest of being close to you and whatever, he's already on guard.
He sighs again and also he's already grabbing his crutches.
"Leaving already?" You say in the softes tone.
"Yeah..." he stands up and calls on the nurse for assistance.
"Okay..." you lower your gaze.
You are not sure how to tame your boyfriend since this time you know you are at fault for forgetting and breaking a promise you told him after he was told to stay at home.
You stand up and sling your bag over your shoulder. "Just... call me when you get home."
"I will not call you." He says as he sits down on the wheel chair. "You're coming home with me."
"Wait. What?" You ask
The nurse enters the room and greets the two of you.
"Ready to go home?" The nurse asks
"Yes." Seungcheol smiles at her. "I have a scheduled therapy this afternoon..."
"Oh... I see... goodluck then." She says as she helps to push your boyfriend
"Y/N..." he calls your name out again.
This is the second time he called you by name. He is clearly not okay with the skirt situation. This never happened before.
***
You both arrived at his parent's house. They welcomed you and hugged you even. They thanked you for being a support system for their son even though physically you can't come because, well, they know how their son acts around you.
It's not a secret that their son is so in love with you that he's very clingy and trying to act cool and such.
"I already made food for the two of you so just reheat it if you decide to eat later."
"Oh. Thank you Mrs. Choi." You say
"It's nothing dear... also... thank you for being his care taker for tonight... we will enjoy our night on out staycation at the city." His mother says
You are stunned to hear what Mrs. Choi just said. You can't react beside just smiling and nodding. "Ah... ahm... don't worry about us... I'm going to take good care of him."
"Thank you, again." Mr. Choi says.
"We'll get going now... see you tomorrow afternoon, dear." She says to her son who is sitting in the sofa drinking his cola.
"Have fun, Mom and Dad!" He waves at them
And as soon the door shuts and you hear the car engine from outside.
"What the fuck was that?" You stomp you way towards him. "Care taker... tonight?? Babe?"
Nonchalantly he answers. "You will be staying for the night here with me... until tomorrow..."
"Why?"
"Why not?" He looks at you with a coldest stare. "Do you have any other plans? Are you meeting with anyone?"
"No..."
"And then... stay...."
"But... my parents..."
"I already told them... they are fine with it."
"When?"
"I called them earlier... before I texted you to come to the clinic."
You are in complete shock. "Cheolie..." you whine
"Now, you're calling me by name?" He raises a brow. "Why are you acting like that? It's like you don't want to stay with me."
"That's not it."
"Then what?"
You sigh. You are lost for words.
Yes you should be happy you are spending time with your boyfriend but he could've told you. You would say yes if he asked or told you.
You are just stunned maybe or confused with him doing this too since he's been being snappy at you since earlier.
"Whatever." You mumble throwing your bag to the floor and just sitting down at the chair opposite of where he's sitting.
Now you are the one in the bad mood.
"I still have the clothes and undergarments you left from last time..." he then says in a much calmer tone.
"Okay." You answer not looking at him.
You are not mad at him. You are just not happy with what he did. He probably wanted to surprise you with the idea earlier but since it got ruined during your clinic make out session. Now things are...
"Babe." He calls you
You turn your head to look at him. He looks serene now.
"Can you please come here..." he says
You get up and make your way to him, to sit down beside him.
"Not there." He says holding on to your wrist and leading you to move somewhere else. "Here..." he gestures for you to sit on top of him.
"But... your leg..."
"I can manage..." he breathes and then tugs you down so he could kiss you, cupping your face with one hand.
Your hands are now on his chest for balance support. You tried pulling away from the kiss but
"Sit..." he says in between the kiss.
And you do as he says. Kneeling down on the sofa, legs spread between his thighs, you sit down on him and slowly put your arms around his neck.
"Cheolie..." your lips part ways as you spoke and he tries to chase the kiss again but you bite your lips together. "Wait..."
"Why...?" He pouts
"What are you doing?"
"What do you mean?" He runs his hands from your legs to your thighs and then underneath your skirt.
"You were just so cold to me... not even talking to me like I'm your girlfriend... and now you're kissing me and touching me..."
He throws his head back for a second and then sighs. "Babe, I'm sorry.... I was... well..."
"I said I'm sorry about the skirt... Don't worry. I will just wear pants starting on monday...."
"You sure?"
"Yeah... I promise." You kiss the tip of his nose. "I will just wear skirts when I'm with you."
"Really?" He raises a brow with matching smirk, biting his lower lip.
"Yeah..." you move your hips forward knowing what this tiny move will do to him. "I know you like to have easy access with me when we're together..." you softly say
He grunts as he feel you move a bit more. Rocking your hips over his erection that's sort of protected by his black jogging pants.
"I know what you're doing..." he hums
"And I know you like... what I'm doing..."
His smile goes ear to ear. "You're lucky I can't stand on my own yet... If I could..."
"What will you do?"
"Carry you over my shoulders and spread you on top of my bed..."
"And...?" You put your forehead to his.
"And...fuck you 'till dawn..."
Just the thought made you horny and wanting him. But since he can't do what he usually does to you, you decide to handle this on your own.
"You can still fuck me..." you say, grinning. "We have all night till tomorrow to find a way... a position you want me to be in."
"Fucking hell, babe." He grunts, sounding excited and turned on.
You adjust your position, making sure you can access him easily. Him meaning his long veiny length that's already leaking.
"Shit! Ah!" His mouth drops the second you hold onto him. His eyebrows is showing how he's loving the way you stroke and pump him. "Babe..." he moans. "Babe... aaaaahhh..." he throws his head back, his hands on his hair, trying to hold on to reality coz he is floating in heaven right now.
"Should I... let the tip touch me?"
"Touch... you?" He looks at you, brows furrowed from the high.
You already removed your panties off without him noticing.
"Yes... like this...." you then adjust your position back on top of him and lowered yourself just enough for the tip of his dick feel your entrance.
"Babe, fuck!" He snarls throwing his head back. "Your so damn wet already..."
You let him feel the wetness for awhile before you ease him in you.
"Holy... shiiiiit!"
"Ngggeeeaaah..." you breathe in as you suck him in whole.
"You're doing great babe." He pushes the hair off your face. "Don't rush it... just... feel it... feel me..."
When he's completely in you, you didn't move. You just hugged your man and took a breather.
"I can't believe my little fairy is being so daring..."
"Because I want to give you what you want... what you need..." you mumble on his neck.
"Babe, you know I can wait till I'm healed and ready to fuck you..."
"I know..." you look him in his eyes, "but I miss it too..."
"You do?"
You nod. "Us video calling... while we... you know... is not enough... I thought it was enough... but when I saw you earlier... I really did missed you more than I can imagine."
"You miss my dick?" He tease
"Babe!" You hide your face on his neck again.
"Ugh..." he suddenly moans. "Wow. I didn't know you get tigher when I tease you."
Seungcheol starts to move his hips a little, to ease dipper into you.
"Ah..." you exhale shakily. "Cheolie...hmmm...."
"You like that?"
"I do."
Then you start to move yourself.
You leaned back a little, pushing forward and pulling backward in motion to meet his slow but deep thrusting.
"Cheolie..." you cry his name as you feel like reaching your climax.
"Just let it go..."
"Fuck!" You throw your head back, panting and shaking. "Come with me..." you say, "come....with me..." you clentch more down there, making him feel the tightness.
"But babe..." biting on his lips, hissing and trying to control himself. "We don't have condoms."
"I don't care." You lean in for a sloppy kiss. "Come with me. I need to see you... melt with me..."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Babe..."
"Please..." you beg, "I want to feel it..."
"Fuck it!" He snarls as he goes to squeeze your ass under your skirt as he picks up the pace with you
It's amazing how strong he is. Even with an injured leg he could lift his hips to meet yours.
"Aaah!!" You moan as loudly as you can as you felt something in you pop.
He growls as soon as feel his length starts to release and feel the warmth in you.
"Fuck babe..." he is panting. "Our first time you being on top..."
Embarassed after your orgasm, you hug your man and hide your face again. "I only did what I know and can..."
"You did amazing... your handjob is what I needed to get me into the a frenzy." Then he kisses the top of your head. "I fucking love you... whatever you do... makes me love you even more..."
"I love you too..." you go for a kiss again. But then burst into a giggle when you felt him move. "You are still in me... I can feel you."
A smile spread over his lips, "Maybe we should continue this on my bed. I can do other positions and pump more in you if you want."
You grin, blushing. "I'd love to."
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hyukalyptus · 23 hours
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thinking about kai with an older!femme!fwb.
cw. older!femme!chubby!reader x inexperienced!kai, sex (protection not mentioned), clit play, nipple play, cock drunk, "mommy," friends with benefits with a hint of sugar mommy vibes, reader drives a car, reader twirls hair and blushes, "good boy," "i love you," kissing.
fucking you in missionary with his thumb on ur clit, tits bouncing. he feels so so so good inside you, you can hardly control urself, melting underneath him, drunk on his cock, eyes rolled back.
am i making you feel good mommy? hm? does my cock feel good?
nodding is all you can do, but it gets the point across. he chuckles under his breath, licking his thumb before moving to ur nipple, shivers rolling down ur spine at how delicious he feels.
fuck, mommy, you looked so sexy tonight. love it when you take me out to show everyone im yours.
this fwb situation has been getting a little grey. some may see you as more of a sugar mommy than a friend, but y'all preferred the other label. the benefits being sex ...and you took him out on dates every once in a while. friend dates you'd call them. but they were a bit extravagant to be just friend dates.
regardless, you'd never tie urself down to a monogamous relationship. ur too sexy, too busy for a boyfriend. someone like you would never fall in love...let alone fall for a younger guy that was so lost before you started fucking.
so why was he making you twirl ur hair when he'd hold the door open for you? why were you so giddy when he walked outside his apartment door when you picked him up? why do you feel like crying right now? it's just that the dick is so good, you tell yourself.
kiss me. you didn't kiss much, apart from foreplay. too romantic. but he loved it. he loved feeling your lips against his, so he was happy to oblige.
the knot in your stomach tightens more and more by the second. you gasp, breaking the kiss and he knows. knows how fucking close you are. that was one thing he'd gotten really good at. knowing just when ur about to come.
are you gonna come for me, mommy? have i been a good boy? making you feel so good?
fuck..yes, yes, kai, you've been such a good boy, you whisper. his thumb finds ur clit again and fuck youre in heaven. orgasm washing over you like a waterfall, your body trembles, fingers grip the bedsheets, back arching.
fuck, kai..ohmygod, fuck, head still thrown back and i love you, kai, fuck, i love you. god fucking dammit i love you.
coming down from your high, everything comes to a slow stop and you finally open ur eyes to see his bright ones staring back at you with a smile- you love me?
shit. did u say that out loud? you definitely didn't mean to. you didn't even mean to think it, let alone speak it, and while you're coming? that's the worst possible time.
huh?
you just said you love me.
fuck, do you love him. love him with everything in you. at least you think it's love. you don't know. you've never been in love before.
yeah.. you avoid eye contact and before either of you can say anything, his lips crash into yours and fuck, i love you too.
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dhmis-autism · 1 year
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Hey hello!
Here are some colored doodles of the fun little DHMIS bodyswap idea thought up by the very fun, very smart @escargon! I did them way back when and wanted to finish them up to add to the fun lol.
It was sooo much fun to draw and I hope I made it clear whos who by the body language/dialogue but if not! I put a helpful little diagram in there. Also,as well, I think if Duck had access to a relatively-normal sized body like Reds’ that duckman is dressing up and NO ONE can stop him. So that’s the last two.
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i just came out to a real life person and i think im having a heart attack
#IT WAS SO UNPLANNED I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT AT ALL I DIDN'T EVWN THINK WE WERW FRIENDS??#she lives in the building next to mine and we go to tui together to divide the auto fare and we've been walking home 2-3 dino se#and she likes kpop and kdramas#but like there isn't that Spark yk like oh ny god i love u best friends forever its a little awkward and formal still#but we were talking about something and oh my god#when we reached home we were standing uski building ke neeche and she was like i want to introduce you to my childhood bestie i think you#two will like each other#and i was like kinda weirded out like um are we that close yet i thought we were just classmates 😭😭#so i asked ki oh why all of a sudden#and she's like 'i like you' and i look at her and laugh and she said STOP LAUGHING i don't meant it like that im straight ok#and idk something in me snapped i was like oh are u homophobic too?#but pls she didn't know what it meant 😭 so i explained ki do u hate gay people then#she said no no ofc not SO I JUST BLURTED OUT KI good cause im bisexual#THE SHOCK ON HER FACE OMG im saying this now in freaking out now but at that time i said it really coolly and proudly without fumbling#my voice didn't drop down to a low volume or waver or anything (which im so proud bc she's like the first irl person ive come out to face#to face??????? i mean obv childhood friends don't count they're all gay#but anyway she was like OH and then SHE FUMBLED she was like oh nice i respect u very much and it was so awkward i was like haan haan shut#up just don't tell anyone very few ppl know 😭and she wasn't done she was like so as i was saying#we're growing old and real good friendships are getting harder to find and i like you (stop laughing!!) and i hope we don't jinx it#and she literally touched a wooden table lying there and said touchwood???? 😭😭😭😭😭#now i am thinking why did i tell her she's so extroverted she talks to everyone we go to the same tui this town is tiny#she could tell everyone my parents could find out#but also a part of me is relieved cause im so sick of hiding something that is such a small yet imp part of me#and if she tells everyone then cool maybe there'll be more queer people i can't ve the only queer person in this town and we could be#friends and my parents eh they'd never believe something like that they'll ask me if it's true and ill say nah just rumors dumb kids#and they'll believe me because they'll want to believe me so bad#so no harm#i still don't feel very bestfriendy with her but maybe my standards are too high 😭 idk ig i can't see myself being friends with her#for a long time if we weren't forced by circumstances and i don't like her that much but im happy i got to say it#literally said it omg 'kyunki main hu. bisexual' FUCK THAT FELT GOOD
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I know multiple of these are likely important to people, but I'm asking in terms of like - which of these do you tend to focus on the MOST, enjoy the most, that is most essential for you to actually care about the media, etc.?
(For example: someone finding "Relatability" most important would likely not enjoy a show much if they have trouble empathizing with the characters/relating to it, even if it were good otherwise. Or, someone might be able to overlook bad acting and ugly costumes, as long as the Character Dynamics are fun to them, because they value that more than Aesthetics- while for others, bad costumes would be a dealbreaker.)
Also feel free to reblog and explain your answer or more information in the tags- I've always been curious about people's relationships to media, how they conceptualize it/what they get out of it, how some people value some parts more than others, how that informs their overall taste and genres they may be more inclined towards, etc. :0c
#I was having a conversation with a friend about our favorite type of media and they said the reason they DON'T like historical or fantasy#media or etc. is because they can't imagine themselves being in those situations like it's too detached from anything that they can relate#to personally. they put themselves in the shoes of the characters and apparently like feel emotions while watching stuff and actually#get into the way the characters are feeling so they kind of judge how 'good' or 'bad' a show's writing/setting/etc. are by how it makes#them feel and if they think the characters reacted realistically based on what they were feeling in the moment/what in their head they#would be feeling if they were in the postion of the character. SO apparently the distance of it being in an unrelatable setting or too#detached from our reality makes it harder for them to relate to and less able to really engage with it on that level. WHEREAS I watch#things exclusively in a very like.. detached way?? I'm INTERESTED.. it's like im intellectually analyzing everyhting that's happening and#can be intrigued by events but it's not in an emotional way? More of like a distant 'intellectual curiosity'. Maybe the premise or the#aesthetics or something about it has piqued an interest for me to observe it. to see what it's like or how it plays out. how the idea#is executed or etc. But like.. I cannot remember EVER really relating to any character or situation or projecting onto a character#or having those sorts of feelings or investment in it. That is just not a central part of why/how I watch things or what I care about#BUT after this I was thinking maybe this is my disconnect? I do not seem to conceptualize media the way some other people do and I often#walk away with an entirely different take on things. etc. So I wonder if maybe it's part of how everyone values different things probably?#maybe I literally just watch stuff and percieve it from a different frame of mind that others. More of a like detached curiosity#vaguely bemused analysis mode. Instead of a 'I am deeply emotionally invested in this and am feeling for all the characters' mode#And also I bet people who care more about plot/story are also the people who mind spoilers. Whereas for me I literally seek out spoilers#intentionally because that element of 'suprise ooh what will happen next!' is not central at all to my enjoyment. I could know literally#everything that will happen and still can find it interesting to observe - since for me#that's not the point. I'd rather know the ending so I can determine whether I want to invest the time in it in the first place. etc.#ANYWAY!! If I had to choose - I would say I'm usually heavily focused on world details and aesthetics. With only a slight preference#towards characters individually being interesting. Group dynamics can sometimes be okay but I get tired of everything being about relations#hips and romance - especially when sometimes it seems to be like. people who could not stand on their own as a character/are fundamentally#boring otherwise lol. I would watch a series of just one guy locked in a closet talking to himself as long as he was interesting and saying#things that were amusing or notable for some reason lol. I actually tend to dislike plot because most 'plot heavy' things like action focus#ed shows ALWAYS feel to me like they're moving so fast just to get from one thing to another that I'm not getting enough details. Part of#why I tend to not like movies. the time limit makes them too quick. I need a 95 hour expostion dump of the history of the entire world#and a series of 17 episodes straight where a guy is trapped in a room & the audience is just psychoanalyzing him. hghj.. Maybe I find all#characters annoying/unrelatable bc people w my personality type make bad characters/are not often represented (or are done BADLY). so then#I'm just picking 'who is the LEAST insufferable? who could i study like a lab rat?' whilst my main focus is the worldbuilding&costumes lol
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madhushala · 6 months
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#this girl was joking about another girl in my batch fasting on karvachauth for her boyfriend and it was the light jokes so it was okay#but then she said why is she doing it her caste is completely different from his her parents would kill her#and that how college relationships are only for time being until you're in college and you're there for each other's support#and that nothing in college couples is that serious and they may turn out just good friends in future#and there's no reason to worship your love because it's just 'casual'??!!#ive so many feelings and a little heartbreak#ive already tried thinking about future but you know it 2ould just spiral me and thinking tha ahead doesn't make sense know#logically speaking she's right that we can go through SO MANY changes during the college years and no one knows anything ahead#but idk like i love him its not just oh im in college and ive got a boyfriend to get my nights busier and go on silly pretend dates#i didn't date anyone for nineteen years because i just wouldn't date anyone#its just surprising me as well how i came here so clueless and how everything led to each other and then into us#and i don't say stuff like marriage and kids because that's too huge. just too huge right now to think off#and that's also a way of keeping myself humble#and i would love love love to think about a future too not just yet it's too quick and im okay understanding everything rather than diving#but what she said. is so um its messing with my brain#ofc im not letting it over weigh me not at least from a person who's with multiple seniors#sends all her money to her so called youtuber bf#and goes to private places with some other guy#who's in everything for casual#but i don't know what im supposed to do with it right now#playing around my head#or maybe i should just trust the process
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stupid-dyke · 8 days
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stayed up til 3 when I have an 8am again. I do this because I hate myself so sos sososososososososo much. It's really funny because I don;t fall asleep in class thanks to my meds but I've noticed every time I go to class after 4 hrs sleep people act weird around me which is how I know im acting really weird. And I am so extremely angry at myself. I spent 4 hours. well 8 hours. Well all day. Pretending I'm going to do homework and distracting myself with various other things on my laptop or crying on the phone to my parents. Got zerooooo work done at all i stayed up most of the nihght for literally no gain whatsoever this is pure self harm. Which I do becauase again I hate myself. Because I didn't do my work. Which i won't do tomorrow either because i'll be so tired I wont be able to string a sentence together even though I'm supposed to give a presentation haha. My favorite activity is staring at the clock on my laptop getting later and later and later. new high score etc. Who's a hypersomniac now. Imagine how much easier this semester would have been if I'd gone to bed before 2am ever. I'm so fucking angry at myself I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep now even. If I fail my classes again my parents are gonna make me live at home forever and say im too crazy to live on my own. I know I was supposed to get a therapist but I hate them all so, so, so much. I think people get that job bc they feel powerful telling some pathetic person what to do knowing I literally cannot do it and will come back week after week admittingn failure and paying
I know I was supposed to take the new experimental FDA approved drug for IH but the list of side effects is fucking terrifying and I live and sleep alone so i really don't want to take a super powerful sedative that can make you stop breathing. So I'm gonna keep taking stimualnts and lying to myself that today is the last day I stay up extremely late for no reason.
#it's really sad I'll skip the meds sometimes to try to sleep and it doesn't even help. I just feel worse while awake.#The real reason i can't sleep is because im screwing myself over by doing no work and im terrified im going to fail my fucking classes#and theyre all going to say im crazy if I fail my classes. theyre going to say im crazy and I self sabotaged on purpose#bc i dont want to succeed. Dad says that every day#Dad loves telling me everytjhing wrong with me multiple times a day every day so i never ever forget#hes so helpful. He's trying so hard to help. If i dont answer the phone he starts worrying ive committed suicide#again i was suicidal one week in 2019. Get the fuck over it. You've literally threatened to kill yourself multiple times. Fucking hypocrite#a bunch of my friends are going to graduate this semester and best case scenario i graudate next semester and then I'll lose touch with eve#ybody#and then the good times are over and life is boring and hell forever and ill get more disabled every year until I can't work and then I'll#run out of money and die#you know when I talked to my genetics professor about the alzheimer's results he said somethign will kill you eventually and it#wont be that unless you live to old age which will be good!#so true bestie. so ture#Guys lets be real here. Why the fuck. Do we live. why. It is so goddamn hard. Maybe it;s easy when u get sleep . But that hasn't happened t#me for a while#all my classes end next week and i havent done most assignments since spring break#also over spring break my parents met w a lawyer to revise their will adn afterwards dad told me im executor and explained to me what will#happen after each person in my family dies.#the assumption is that I will outlive everyone. they don't think my sister will live to old age adn they are already old#the lawyer apparently has clients with the same disability as me and all of them had the same thing happen. Once they get another disabilit#and get older it becomes impossible to manage IH and they cant work til retirement age#i just spent an hour typing this shit instead of sleeping. 4am-730am sleep lets go. I should kill myself#i hate my parents fucking advicce bc they;; be like well when i was ur age I was married it sure must suck to be single!!!! fuck you guys f
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kindaorangey · 8 months
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truly cannot explain the connection i have to the 1975's music. yes some of it is nostalgia but i genuinely do not have any other artist that has interested and confused and irritated and saddened and endeared me so much all at the same time and i do mean that about the music itself rather than about the band members. i've spent so much of my life listening to them and they cover so much ground while also having so much terrible samey shit that i wind up loving anyway. i'm so done with matty healy but i will not be able to let go of this music without giving it a proper sendoff, y'know.
#thunder rambles#n its not even the thing people have with like mcr or tøp where the music gave me something to hold onto through a rough time#ive just loved it in so many different ways and for reasons that have changed over the years like.#i know i sound like i drank the kool aid. im working on it#edit: i have some more soppy sincere things to say about why i love their music so much#it's for the same reason i don't think i'll ever love someone exactly the way i loved the friend i had in year 8#to love someone just because they're there at a point of naievete in your life#i got into the 1975 because my toxic best friend whom i had a crush on said i had to like them#and also because their first two albums are sooooo geared towards 14 y/os in terms of sound#but then abiior came out. and i didnt like the singles. and then i came back to it and i fell in love with it.#it's just so weird to simultaneously love something for nostalgic reasons and from just appreciating good art#like its all shitty nostalgia bait. but it's also genius in its conception. but also not all the concepts work in execution. but also the#raw unpolished shittiness of those things are compelling in their own way.#basically basically. i cant get over the way their music grew up with me. and also im a sucker for any art that has something to say#about the digital age#i sort of love their music like i love my siblings lol. like i have always loved my siblings even when my relationship to them is miserable.#i grew up and around you i cant exactly extract you from who i am
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larrysballetslippers · 3 months
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maryam0revna · 2 years
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okay people talk about “religious trauma”, but only recently did I find out that, as a child, one of my best friends used to wake up before anyone else in the house and panic because she was so convinced that everyone she loved had been raptured.
that she still sometimes feels irrationally afraid, almost thirty years later, and has to remind herself that surely a mass disappearance would make the news.
that this isn’t remotely uncommon.
that my boyfriend, who was raised in a very different denomination, used to have the same fears, as well as at least one of my coworkers.
people talk about religious trauma in a lot of ways, and I always associated it with purity culture, bigotry, and oppression. but these raw, granular little moments, where a 6 year-old version of my friend is gripped with terror because the house is too quiet, everyone she loves must have been taken away, and she must have been the only one that was Unworthy...it’s just so much more fucked up than I ever realized.
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seknots-izumimir · 1 year
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sometimes i look at things i write and i go "huh. my mental illness is showing"
#vent in tags#<- just to be safe idk what counts tbh lmao#GIRL WHY DID I CRY ABOUT SOMEONE CALLING A SONG FROM TWEWY MID FOR AN ENTIRE DAY??????#why do i keep comparing myself to a houseplant that dies when things go A Little Wrong??????????#hm. maybe i do need to get myself evaluated...#i need to get my eyes checked and go see a psych but i! am incapable! yay! <- knows getting a diagnosis can and probably will make my life#much harder#pls at least let me see if my eyes r fucked or if i am. pls.#optometrists aren't that expensive but it's bad to go alone i think :(#im glad people worry about me but at the same time it makes me wanna die bc like...... no.....#i should not be burdening others with my issues... ya'll have your own lives and issues....#bleh. subjecting myself to the mortifying ordeal of being known sucks#i think its kinda funny that my internet friends always know more about me than my own parents...#but it's not like my parents ever take an interest in me anyway lmao#when i said i wanted to study jp i only got a very sarcastic 'good luck' like... i was at least hoping they might offer to buy me something#to study off of... but they like never take an interest in me anyway lmao#they weren't even here for my birthday. and made plans over new years without me knowing#i only learned when i asked to go see my family for new years bc they hold a celebration and this might be the last time i can go#for like... 4 years. and i don't think i can take myself bc the route is over very windy mountain roads :(#and i... do not trust myself that much in the car... and it hurts me to drive even the 10 mins to and from school sometimes...#my knee and ankle get stiff and my hip starts to hurt... its bad :(#it sucks tho i miss my family i'm lucky if i see them once a year... but its not like the adults give a shit.#sighhhhhhhhhhh. ugh. my life isn't even that bad by a lot of standards so i feel shitty for whining about it#like yeah my parents don't really care about me but at least they feed me and haven't hit me since i was little?#idk man. i should stop talking i think.
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n4b3 · 10 months
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#genuinely just want her out of my life the pain i experienced whenever i see her is tremendous#it is equally as painful as being ill#i woke up at 4am and its almost 6 and i can't stop thinking about her#and i stupid ass girl thought everything would be fine that she would understand what im going through and cried my eyes out asking for hel#and yet i got nothing. thinking she was someone i could rely on#it is so painful to see the fragments of what we were in other people. but she has actively avoided me and treated me so badly#and yet i bite back when she does and it couldn't get any worse#and i held to that hope that there's a way it can be fixed there's hope to that promise she said she didn't want to lose me#and lose the connection we had for so many years#it's like she's that kind of person everybody likes. everybody friend. but its only there for the good times and not for the bad times#and made me wonder what does friend mean to other people? for me is for the ppl who are in the good and the bad#i just kind of realized i can't talk to her anymore bc it sends me on this spirals of why's why's why's#why is she like that with me? why didn't she kept up with her promise? what kind of shit did i do or say that made everything go south?#this is too much for me and i don't know what I did wrong#everywhere i go i just see her bc she's my classmate but also i can't scape her bc her art is suddenly in art galleries#she haunts me in a way#but i miss her so much and i just we could go back to what we used to be#and i don't understand why shes like that with me none of our common friends understand either and everyone telling me to drop her#because of her behavior#and im just here praying for someone to pop up into my life and take me out of this misery#but it is really one of the hardest things for me is to meet new people literally my Achilles heel#its so hard to go through this pain alone i can barely keep up with the illness i have this shit is the cherry on top#made me wish I had ride or dies#and I have so many reasons to hate her and treat her badly and awful and yet i don't do it... and I even forgave her what she did to me#treats me like I was the one who did what she did to me#is really so bizarre
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spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me
#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason#the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2#i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head#and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet#and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay#he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all#i have no idea what he has that i don't#but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about#not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me#not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act#im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough#for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away#from my sociopathic parents#and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough#but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d#exams#and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then#never cry#i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really#trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing#oh god this is now a ventpost#mes
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spockoholic · 1 year
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I went to a filipino food/cultural fest with my filipina friend this weekend and tried balut (steamed fertilized duck egg) which was a entertainment hit with both my friends family and with the granny who was at my table who filmed and narrated me eating it 😂 caucasian girl tries balut for the first time
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caffeinatedopossum · 1 year
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I just realized something really sad
I have two best friends outside of tumblr (my only irls that aren't roommates basically) and one of them I try to talk to constantly but she doesn't always respond, in fact she kind of barely does. I want to talk to her all the time but I always feel like I'm boring her or like she doesn't understand why I can't do some of the things I can't do.
The other one is always trying to talk to me, usually trying to call me. But I rarely ever pick up or respond or text first. My relationship with her is really complicated because some of my alters are very hurt from some things she did a while ago, others just don't trust her, and then the ones that front when we talk love her.
I have so many mixed feelings and the switches triggered by that mean I always don't answer or forget because I have dissociative amnesia about her trying to contact me in the first place... I don't know, I don't want to make excuses for myself but I genuinely don't know if this is a valid reason for treating her the way I do or if I'm an awful friend. Of course, it could also be both. I just don't know what to do. I don't want her to feel neglected by me like I sometimes do with my other friend.
#for some context about what the things that hurt these alters were ill elaborate here in the tags#so me and friend 2 have been friends for a very long time. since i was about 13-14 and were both adults now#i was raised Christian and it deeply traumatized me. i didnt deconvert until i was about 17 and even then was back and forth#i know theres a lot of variability in Christianity and maybe not everyone raised Christian will be traumatized#but i really really was. and if youve seen some of my posts about my religious trauma youll know why#when i was 18 i had just moved out of my moms house and was basically crashing on a friends couch/floor#i was extremely stressed and vulnerable at the time#and during that time my friend tried to reconvert me#i dont remember exactly what she said but it devolved into arguing and i had a panic attack over it at least once#we didnt talk for a while#shes also stated pretty directly before that she believes being transgender (which i am) is wrong#i let it slide because she apologized and stopped pushing the matter#she almost never brings it up anymore#and parts of me forgive her but other parts don't#i feel like i should also talk about the ways that shes a good friend because this is gonna make it seem really one sided otherwise#so for one shes been with me through the hardest years of my life#talking me down from taking my life late into the nights... being there when no one else was... reminding me that im worth something#shes been patient and kind and supportive all this time#she was also the person who eventually got me to realize that my parents and even my siblings were abusive and neglectful#which was a very big deal for me#i wouldnt have lived this long without her suppory#even now she checks in on me#making sure im not suicidal and reminding me that shes here for me#always reaching out if i havent responded in a while just to make sure im okay#she also struggles with a lot of the same stuff as me having had ptsd depression and an eating disorder before#so she helps me feel less alone#but now i dont ever feel close to her#and i dont know if i ever will again#i feel cruel for not telling her the truth if i haven't forgiven her yet but I don't think itd do any good for her to know
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saviourkingslut · 2 years
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i should be getting paid for the number of times ive noted concerning things in my friend's thought patterns and behaviour that she didn't pick up on and neither did her therapist fr i feel like im doing half this woman's work sometimes
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