#i do actually write but it's probably not much better lmao

[nu-fin]

One thing I think about a lot is Elias and his mum. Like, the only reason he changed his mind and decided to detonate the bomb is bc his mum wouldn’t come out and talk to him. She didn’t even want to *see* him (from Elias’ pov at least). Despite the fact that earlier in the series he was adamant that he didn’t want to have anything to do with her (although I have wondered whether that’s an idea that the Morley’s planted in his head, or maybe straight up told him to say), she’s still his mum and he still needs her. Then later in the series in the last few seconds before he ceases to exist when they’re hugging, the idea that that might be the only time in the series when he actually genuinely knows he is loved, and how the whole loop is him chasing after that feeling of being loved yet it takes the loop breaking for him to get it. Stuff like that.

#these two mean so much to me #I think about Elias’ mum way too much actually #more than I probably should do for such a minor character #like that scene when she’s looking through her box of his baby stuff with the news report about the bomb I. the background #ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING #OH MY GOD #also fantastic writing/direction #that scene says so much with no words I love it #bodies 2023 #bodies netflix #elias mannix #julian harker #Sarah Mannix #love her to bits <33 #she deserved sm better #I mean tbh they all deserved sm better LMAO #this show wants all of its characters to suffer

[natelia-aldelliz]

Guys... Listen I know I said I'd draw something for valentine's day but I had a bit of a rough week sooooo I'm just going to write it out instead, maybe I'll finish drawing it some day, maybe not. It's behind a show more because it's long.

(also there's talks about having sex but no actual sex, and like, general warnings about Ghost's backstory but it's very vague here).

Soap was hanging around outside, trying to bring himself to do something, anything. But the weather was nice for a February day, and the sun was out, and it was making him feel like a cat basking in the heat.

An arm wrapped itself around his shoulders, a huge body suddenly weighing on him. Ghost.

Soap hummed comfortably. This day was getting better by the minute. Any chill he might have felt from being outside in a tank top out of pure Scottish spite was instantly soothed.

Simon often times saw himself as a cold man, freezing to the touch, hidden behind a layer of ice. A proper little Elsa, Soap almost snorted out loud. The truth was that while yes, his fingers and toes' temperature was sometimes abysmal, especially in bed, the rest of him was the warmest place Johnny had ever been.

"I've got something for you in our room," Ghost whispered against his throat, making Soap shiver.

Simon had begun calling Soap's room theirs a few weeks ago and Johnny couldn't have enough of it. He was so in love it genuinely hurt sometimes to restrain himself from squeezing him to death.

"Is that so?" he purrs, knowing how Ghost likes that. If this day didn't end in sex he'd be very surprised. He'd long learned to recognize when Simon wanted sex and when he didn't, and the way he squeezed his pec in response to his voice was a very easy tell.

But then again Simon was way less subtle than he thought he was.

They made their way back to their room, and there it was, a repurposed shoebox, badly wrapped with cheap wrapping paper. Johnny couldn't be more excited, he had never received any gift from a significant other. To be fair he adored gifting but always felt awkward receiving.

But this was Simon. Something that Simon had chosen to give him.

He sat on the bed, leaving enough space behind him for Ghost to sit there so he could use him as a very comfortable backrest. When he did, he grabbed the gift and began opening it.

He knew that Ghost liked to tear the wrapping paper, liked the sound of it and liked tearing it into the smallest pieces possible after, but he himself loved carefully unwrapping it and folding it flat so he could later maybe do an origami with it or put a piece in his journal. Probably both.

This one was full of tape but he still very much enjoyed himself, considered it a challenge. He enjoyed the chase, wanted to drag it on. Ghost huffed impatiently behind him, a bit tense, probably nervous.

Inside the box was a weird old fashioned clunky thing. It was bright red, looked slightly like binoculars, definitely from the 70's, with a wheel of tiny pictures wedged in the top of it. Memories hit him all at once.

"Oh my god ah remember, my Ma had one of these when ah was a child! My sister and I loved it, it had pretty landscapes in!"

He put it against his eyes, excited to see what this one came with. At his biggest surprise, it was a picture of them. Simon had customised it.

The picture showed the back of himself a bit further away from the camera, pointing at something while in full gear, in a dilapidated town, Ghost's face in the foreground looking at the camera. It looked like Soap was talking to someone, but that person was cut by the framing.

"Wait, ah remember that mission, it's when ah saved Gaz from a landmine just to be shot seconds later," he laughed. "ah spent two fucking weeks in the hospital, ah was miserable. Ye kept joking ah should hiv left Gaz explode while staring at him, he was convinced ye actually wanted him dead!"

Then the next picture was indeed him in his hospital bed, unconscious but the state of his injuries told him he was probably just sleeping at least a few days after his admission, his life no longer in danger. In this one, Ghost was sleeping too, head in his elbow near Soap's head and his other hand holding Soap's hand.

"Who took this one?" Soap asked, moved by the tenderness of Ghost's hold on him in the picture. It would have been right after Johnny had admitted to maybe liking him more than friends, before they were officially dating.

"The hospital one?"

Soap hummed.

"Price did. Said it was for blackmail. Should have seen him, he looked like his child had just married the person of their dreams and had ridden off into a rainbow on a unicorn or some shit. Old man's sentimental as fuck, but I didn't call him on his bullshit, he's already old, that's punishment enough."

Soap giggled in response. The next few pictures were all of them together but each time he was either turning his back or asleep.

"Why the fuck am ah never looking at the camera?" he whined. He wanted some cute couple pictures, dammit!

"Couldn't have you suspecting what I was planning," Simon said, kissing his shoulder soothingly. Only then Soap noticed that he had taken his mask off at some point and turned to ask for a proper kiss, which he immediately got.

"Keep going, there's more pictures," Simon whispered against his lips when he tried to turn around to kiss him some more. His pouting only got him a smirk in response, so he got comfortable again and brought the slide viewer back against his eyes.

He was happy he did. The next picture waiting for him was just Simon in the mirror, almost in full gear, but with one gloveless hand dragging his trousers down so the camera could see the bottom of his stomach, follow along his happy trail and reaching the very top of his pubic hair. The picture cut of his head, but he could see that his mouth was uncovered and he was holding the glove with his teeth.

Soap groaned. "Steaming Jesus, love, you're so hot."

He felt Simon hide his face in the back of his neck, warmer than usual, and chuckled a bit. He loved him so fucking much.

There were four more pictures of Simon, in various suggestive poses and states of undress, some almost showing his cock but never quite committing, making Johnny feel like he was being teased.

He was getting hard though and so ready to be done with the pictures and access the real thing. But Simon was still tense behind him. In fact, he had only gotten tenser and tenser with each click.

Soap was unsure why. They never had a problem with their sexual life, Simon had already changed his mind about having sex after starting and Soap had absolutely no problem with that, was glad to hug him instead and reassure him when he had tried to apologize.

Simon knew that there was no pressure, ever, to have sex. Hell, Johnny would still be happy even if Simon decided that he never wanted to have sex again, and he had made sure to make Simon understand that.

Then he got to the last picture and immediately understood.

It wasn't a picture of either of them, just a little bit of paper, with a few words written in Ghost's awful handwriting.

Just a few words that made Johnny drop the viewer on the covers and turn around to grab Simon's face, worriedly looking in his eyes.

"Are you sure?" he asked, looking for any trace of Simon forcing himself. "Baby, ah'm happy to bottom for the rest of mah life, there's no pressure, okay?"

Simon looked at him with warmth in his eyes and his cheeks completely red, a wrapping bow added on top of his head. "I know," he said simply. "I just want to. I don't want to be haunted by memories anymore. I used to like it, and I want to like it again. With you. Just.... Be gentle, okay?"

Johnny kissed his forehead. "Ah dinnae think ah ken how no tae be gentle with ye, love."

#cod mw2 #simon ghost riley #john soap mactavish #ghostsoap #soapghost #listen i'm sure there are romantic people somewhere who think it's valentine's day everyday so how late can that be #to be fair i am terrible at deadlines i don't know why i keep giving them to myself cause i soon as i do i know i'm never doing the thing #i've also burnt out my drawing capacities for now so probably expect more writing than drawing for a bit while my poor tiny brain recovers #if anyone is wondering yes soap forgot it was valentine's day #not because he forgot about it - he just forgot to track the days and didn't know they were the 14th he had a gift ready tho #he got ghost a chocolate tablet that ghost had once complained about not being able to find anymore that's actually just me complaining irl #that my supermarket doesn't seem to have white chocolate tablets with puffed rice inside like they did when i was a child #i have no idea how that applies to anywhere else lmao maybe other supermarkets have them but i hate going to supermarkets i don't know #anyway lmao sorry my love language is ranting #soap doesn't generally like receiving gifts because he feels like he doesn't deserve them like he didn't have to work for them #and so he feels guilty when he gets one but he hasn't told anyone about that #he was happy there but if ghost gives him ''too many'' gifts he's gonna start feeling bad bc he has just as much issues as everyone else #just hides them better

[archersartcorner]

Y’all the humanstuck au was gonna happen eventually

IDs under cut!

[ID: Five images, done digitally, though the latter four are derivatives/close ups of the first image.

The first image shows the four Vantases, Karkat, Kankri, Kanaan (the Signless), and Kardin (Beforus Karkat) in a humanized AU, each of them drawn from the shoulders up, with a description next to their busts describing their deal in the AU. The following images zoom in on them individually, so they’ll be described further there. In the center of the image is the label, “Humanstuck Vantas Fam cus it’s 2022 and this is where I’m at at the moment.”

The second image focuses on Karkat, who’s depicted as albino, with pale skin, white hair, and red eyes. He’s wearing his signature gray turtleneck. Next to him is a bullet point description that states: “Karkat Vantas ; 16 ; Fucking high school man. Shit's rough. Fortunately he's definitely not massively autistic and never gets bullied ever. ; 100000 torn shirt sleeves (chew stims) ; Thinks Kankri's annoying and doesn't shut up, and dad's never around, so Karkat has just straight up hitchhiked to uncle Kardin's apartment before. Cue So Many worried phone calls from dad and brother. ; Is the source of many a home argument. Does usually just end up with him in tears.”

The third image focuses on Kankri, depicted as a brown-skinned human, with dark brown hair and eyes, and sideburns/stubble. He’s also wearing his signature red turtleneck. His bullet point description states: “Kankri Vantas ; 22 ; Karkat's primary caretaker, frankly. ; In graduate school and works part time, busy busy busy. ; He knows about his relationship to Kardin, actually. Found old birth records where Kanaan was not registered as his father. Kankri hasn't brought it up. He won't admit it, but he's scared Kanaan and Karkat will reject him now that he knows.”

The fourth image focuses on the Signless, named Kanaan for the AU, who is slightly darker than Kankri, and has the same dark brown hair and eyes, and similar patterned facial hair to Kankri’s, but more grown in. His description states: “Kanaan Vantas ; 40 ; Karkat and Kankri's father, though Kankri is adopted, technically his nephew. ; Is a good man and a good father, but tends to be absent. ; Often gets in trouble with the law due to protest. ; Is so so so sorry he was late getting home tonight!!! It won't happen again!! (It will.) ; As absent as he can be at times, he loves Kankri and Karkat so so much.”

The fifth image focuses on Beforus Karkat, named Kardin for the AU. Like Karkat, he’s albino, with pale skin, white hair, and red eyes. He’s also working with a white, chinstrap beard, and I apologize because I’m not sure how else to describe it. His description states: “Kardin Vantas ; 42 ; Kankri's biological father, Kanaan's older brother ; Whenever Kanaan gets into trouble, Kardin steps in to watch over the boys. ; Lives about an hour away, but has considered moving closer due to Kanaan's frequent troubles. ; Quiet, soft-spoken. ; Wasn't ready to be a father when he had Kankri, so he asked Kanaan, who Kardin thought was more stable, to take him in. He simultaneously regrets having not told Kankri and wishes to, and also fears the day he has to.”

END ID.]

#my art #described #homestuck #humanstuck #karkat vantas #kankri vantas #the signless #beforus!karkat #sorry that all I seem capable of drawing atm is reference images LMAO #wanna doodle more Humanstuck stuff so!! probably have some more doodles!! soon!!!!! #I can’t do multi people references cus I end up just writing more and more as I go along. seriously I wanna write an essay about kardin WHD #Kardin doesn’t have much space in his apartment but he does have a designated Karkat Zone whenever he comes over #karkat has a key to his place so sometimes Kardin will be like. out or in the bathroom or smth and he’ll head into the living room and- #-Well There’s His Nephew. Well. This is his day now HEBDJSBS #Kardin has had the like. ‘Kanaan you have to be there for your sons’ talk multiple times. #for Kanaan it’s not even out of malice. he cares SO SO MUCH about his sons and also everyone and he wants the world to be a better place- #-for his kids and for everyone but he gets caught up in his ideals sometimes that. Actually Being There can take a backseat at times. #probably some climactic event happens to the kiddos that makes Kanaan hit the brakes. shift that gear into fuckin reverse #it’s time to Be A Dad Kanaan. #(says kardin hypocritically) #also despite Kankri’s fears Kanaan would Never Ever consider him like. ‘lesser’ as a son thank karkat is. #Kanaan raised Kankri That’s His Baby Boy. in a million years he’d never see Kankri as just like. a tangential son. #god ok I don’t mean to rant too much in the tags I just. have a lot of feelings. I LOVE THE VANTASESSSSSS #also Kankri sews little patches into Karkat’s sweater sleeves whenever he chews holes in them and karkat pretends like he dislikes them but #-he doesn’t his brother put those there because he loves him and cares for him. little reminders for a little crab. #OK OK IM DONE IM DONE

[musical-chick-13]

I wish I liked the books. I really, really wish I liked the books.

#like I don't. dislike them. #I just. the way the prose is written is tedious on a level I have rarely experienced #they were a SLOG getting through to the point where I'm not even sure how much I remember about the differences between the books and the #show. like I do remember that some of the characters I was less interested in during the show felt more complete in the books. and some of #the politics were tighter. but like. straight-up I cannot read these last 2 if they ever come out. I can't do it. #I love the characters but the actual writing style makes my brain cry #and it's just so frustrating to hear 'but the books are so much BETTER' because like yeah I guess on some level they are but I CAN'T FUCKIN #READ THEM. AND ALSO THE SAME THINGS THAT PEOPLE HATED IN THE SHOW ARE PROBABLY MORE OR LESS ALSO GOING TO HAPPEN IN THE BOOKS #idk man. it's one thing to be told that something you love sucks. it's another thing to be told that the act of loving it makes you stupid #and like. idk anti-intellectual or something. there are plenty of books I like and make an effort to read. I just didn't like these. #I wish I saw what the rest of you did I really really do but I just don't #In the Vents #genuinely I am so sorry to like half of the people who follow me I know this will be a profound disappointment #I just HAD to get this out of my system #this blog is first and foremost A Place Where I Scream About Things #unfortunately. for everyone. including and especially me lmao.

[lunapwrites]

seven sentence saturday sunday

(many thanks to bestie @femme--de--lettres for the tag <3)

Sirius insisted there was a crack on the bathroom ceiling that, if he turned his head just so, looked like the scar on James’ knee. Remus tilted his head to the left and squinted, and then to the right. Nothing. “What is he on about?” he muttered, and took another drag. It could be that his memory was hazy — everything was a little hazy, what with the smoke — but he recalled that James’ knee-scar had looked more like the Andes, if you crossed your eyes a bit. Not like the mountains themselves, obviously (that would be ridiculous) but like one of those little topography maps, where ranges looked like crooked, bumpy lines. He couldn't remember how James had gotten it.

Just Remus over here in his having-a-perfectly-normal-moment-on-the-bathroom-floor era lol.

#there are so many better sets of sentences in this work #however #this is the only one that was seven. #the rest NEEDED more. #they could not be contained #me and the dialogue lmao #every time either of them brings up james it's like. slightly sad #but also very offhand #like talking about the weather and then #single instrusive thought about how much james loved the rain #and then back to the weather #they both loved him so much #ltl #seven sentence sunday #hp #lp writes #actually #i will be getting to write more this week i hope #what else to do on a plane? #just write probably.

[rockleaves]

getting crossed up jesus style by anne rice readers for saying the vampire lestat is better than interview with the vampire

#t #tvc lb tag #can’t remember which post i saw ‘crossed up jesus style’ in but it has permanently changed my vocabulary #is tvl GOOD? well. no. but i do genuinely think it’s better and more engaging. #the thing with iwtv is it IS incredibly ambitious but i don’t actually think that ambition pays off #it kind of reminds me of that saying about crime & punishment that it’s one part of crime followed by five parts of punishment #but because the crime louis is honest about punishing himself for (claudia’s death) happens so late and he glosses over/lies about/omits #any specifics of the other crimes he’s punishing himself for (his kills and his family and his relationship with lestat) it’s just like #annoying lmao. like without knowing some context of the later books i probably would have dnf’d it. #it’s good and interesting in the show because of the framing of the second interview and daniel being older and a better journalist who #notices and calls out louis’s omissions and lies #but reading the book i just felt like i was constantly waiting for a reason to care and didn’t get one until very late #like it was very much written like a short story. like you could tell it was her first novel after mostly writing short stories and she #just didn’t make as many changes as i think it would have needed when adapting iwtv from the short story to the novel. #tvl on the other hand is far less ambitious and far sillier but it does actually feel like a novel #anyway. like i said i get why iwtv was like that and why other people might like it but it did not work for me.

[lieutenant-amuel]

Okay, I got back to writing WBTL yesterday and now I think this story could’ve been a lot better if I didn’t write it from Valerio’s POV.

#Personal #Was Born To Lead #I’m not saying I should have erased his character #I just think it would have been better if the readers knew him as a wholesome teacher for a longer time? #He can’t rest until people know his secret so there’s going to be a reveal~ #and I think it would have been a lot more impactful if the readers knew about him as much as Gabe does #Yeah in that case I probably would have kept Emilio and his suspicions towards Valerio to make a foreshadowing or something #I just really think that I messed up Valerio with all my ‘he’s actually good but his trauma makes him do terrible things’ attidute #Becuase at least at the beginning of this story I wanted him to be sympathetic akhdnfk #And I wrote like two paragraphs in the new chapter about how much Gabe loves and admires Valerio #And really it would’ve been a lot more emotional if Valerio was indeed a kind and harmless teacher #Otherwise it just seems funny and fake #I even know why I expanded this story from Valerio’s perspective so much he was the character I thought a lot off-screen #and I suppose I just wanted to unleash all those ideas as soon as possible #Becuase really the scene when Emilio finds out Valerio’s secret and the scene afterwards when Valerio hears the voices in his head #was literally the first scene I wrote for that chapter before I divided it into two parts #I wanted to write it so much and I did and published it #Ah and in that case most of the chapter would’ve been like two times shorter lmao #Although in that case Emilio probably wouldn’t have been as developed as now so idk #I just still feel insecure about this story at times especially when I think about the things I could do different but well #I’ll try to overcome it I guess #As I said in the new chapter #As a strategist you have to think several moves ahead #if you mess up it’s bad of course but it means you have a new start to properly think everything through again #This is Ximena about chess lol #But I messed up Valerio and this is the fact

[keylovesstuff]

13 and 30? :D

Is there a trope you wouldn’t write if it was the last trope on earth?

Alternate Universe. I feel like it's already challenging to keep characters in character as they're presented in media. So not only would I have to come up with some engaging plot to drop some pre-existing characters in, but also try to keep the in character enough to make whoevers reading think "Yeah blank would totally be like this if they were in this type of universe". If they sway too far from their in-universe counterparts , its like might as well create your original story at that point (at least imo) 🤫.

Tell us an idea for a longfic you want to write in the future.

A longfic!??!! You're asking the impossible from me. It's already a challenge writing a decent 4k oneshot 🤣🤣 and at least when I think of longfics, I think multi-chapter fics and oh gosh, thinking of an overarching plot and spanning it for so many chapters 😳. No ideas in the near future, at least for me, but I think it would be so fun to try my hand at rewriting a season for a show or movie, which would probably actually help with those prints maybe now that I'm thinking about it. 🤔

#Another addition I think AUs work really well with certain fandoms and others not so very much #granted its hard to get into them for me in the first place and I really do try cause I've seen snippets of some and its so good but #getting from A to B cause context is key is hard 🥲 #like I can easily open a South Park au fic and I can read all that no problem but like others....not so much. #some people write AUs so well but I wouldn't be one of them tbh that's for sure 🤣🤣🤣 #omg now that I'm thinking about fic rewrites I know its been awhile since I've read Winx Club ones and thers probably been so many updates #So many people write them so well and you're able to see that subtle difference from how they acted from ch 1 to ch 20 like you're actually #watching it again and its just with words 😩👌🏾 (swear fics be better than the shows/movie) #That and I'm like really a sucker for everyone's interpretation or analysis for any and everything #I could never lmao...but I will read it all day 😊😊 #Thanks for the ask Spockify!! 🥰 #Key Answers

[unproduciblesmackdown]

the most recognized as comedic song being the best part of the movie musical because the conventions that serve as a mode of communicating ideas, for example "people just bursting into song" or "choreography" or "'noticeably stylized' cinematography" that accentuates nonliteral nonrealism-invoking choices, are regarded as Silly or Frivolous. and the effort to shove everything else that's more "serious" into what is expected to be read as dramatic cinema that's not stylized in any ways that seem too "Genre" which only makes [but someone's singing?] underwhelming and out of place because no other elements are supporting it

#that plenty of Thee Establishment most concerned w/the commercial angle of musical theatre is also like ''musicals? is silly'' #or rather is forever defensive about this. all the musicals you know tonys will be comfortable with b/c they're gently ''edgily'' Serious.. #that old deh interview where p&p are like ''haha eugh we're not writing MUSICAL numbers musical numbers X'D this is serious this is real'' #deh as a living room play....like don't get me wrong. all Critiques / dunks on deh the stage musical even deh the movie...are not the same #all mine are better and wiser. but actually really for example like ''ben platt old?? he hair a joke??'' are criticisms i reject lol #wait a second does anyone in the Stage Musical ever do any more dancey choreography than they do in sincerely me....probably not #remembering the great times of that jared goldsmith interview where they were telling him to walk less dancily in ywbf lmao #taking some chassés across the stage....finally looked up if ''sashay'' is just a misheard + phonetic ''chassé'' & yes #anyways and just connect this all to the broader issue of Any ''genre(tm)'' understood as like. Unserious. style that is so unartistic.... #insert joe iconis talking about it. basically that if some Noticed ''unusual'' style usage is taken seriously it's presumed ''self aware'' #such that it may be like; parody of; commentary on; homage to whatever Conventions.... #like is a movie too associated with women as creators or audiences? some style choices that might seem to have some odd effect or w/e is #then just like wow guess this isn't good enough to be an experience i can completely intellectually disengage with as viewer.... #whereas if it's Not ''''gendered'''' so associated enough w/men as creators & audience (not much room for ''&/or'' there) then like #oh that perhaps somewhat awkward noticeable Style Usage? that was innovative; fresh; if it's funny it's ''clever'' rather than comedic #Don't Even Get Me Started on comedy also being an unserious ''easy'' too-Genre(tm) lesser style / way to communicate ideas #but i'm already started! it's right in the premise! ppl not even noting Sincerely Me has any material About anything b/c like #well it's Just Funny. jared & alana are Easy parts b/c they're so often Funny & set apart from the Serious Drama of parental angst #i actually haven't seen that many movie musicals but the ones unembarrased about themselves are superior #plus the idea of Worthy funny/noticeably styleized things as being Distinguishingly ''Self Aware''....the idea of Being Funny as either #being Unselfawarely the butt of the joke; or awarely deliberately Clever as what makes one superior to others; laughing At them surely #and i'm right back as well to what i was musing on re: the limits of billions' own language and in turn the limit of ideas if it cannot eve #express otherwise / beyond....that worthiness is awarded with this Dignity backed by the elements of the medium as tv's discretion #versus if someone's undeserving & unserious; or usually deserving/serious but is messing up & we want you to notice; then #they Will be beset with some humiliation; probably at least more proximate to being Laughed At; material may go out of its way to do this #another thing is that billions seems to have so little to no room for anyone having a capacity to be Silly #people Being Funny On Purpose is largely making references or pwning another character; both establishing competitive Worthiness #another shift from 5x08 onward like. rian truly able to humor herself is gone with her desk clutter #the fate of winston's =] ness is found in 6x01 when both quants are being funny until rian's funniness goes [abuse coworker] mode #that illustration that Hierarchy generates a Joke; at someone's expense. characters (& the writing?) Can't do otherwise to him or fathom it

[danielnelsen]

im reading all my old hwu fanfics oh god.. like i was a decent writer but some of the stuff i wrote smh......... and like.. the ships. or one in particular. had to write for the most popular ship if i wanted anyone to read anything i wrote but please know that i HATED it

#if you know then you know #i didnt write much multi-chapter fic (mostly bc i like to plan things too much in advance) but that was the longest fanfic i wrote #idk where i ever got up to with posting it but the doc on my computer is 26k words #13 chapters + 1 paragraph of chapter 14 #what a waste of my life lmao. like yeah im glad i wrote a lot for a few years there. definitely a good skill and some good practice #but yeesh #im sitting here reading it and it's from the LI's perspective (which i think was a great choice on my part lbr) #and im just like..........wtf are you doing you gross irresponsible adult man. like yeah danny's VERY stupid here but you're Much Worse #im also realising that danny is absolutely the precursor to my main hawke now. VERY similar personalities #personal #when i say i hated it.. it was fun to write because i enjoyed writing and i liked interpreting the existing dialogue we had in the quests #and turning it into an actual descriptive story. and i was good at it. i was good at writing characters and their feelings #i Really enjoyed writing that character. it just sucked that the ship was horrible and i felt like i had to pretend it wasnt #dethan was the actual good ship but - for all the talk i saw - people didnt actually read it #even the one fic i wrote with chris did waaay better (but tbf that's probably one of the best fics i ever wrote; the post-proposal one) #anyway. if im cringing while reading my old stuff it's not because it's badly written #it's because the way the characters behave already made me cringe when i wrote it lmao

[pierregaslays]

.

#m.text #i’m actually at fucking breaking point with writing because i can’t do it anymore #like i know it was nobody’s fault but somehow a couple of comments that probably weren’t said with cruel intentions have fucked up my #ability to write anything for over a year #like i know i’ve written but it’s not good and it makes me fucking cry that i’ll never be able to do the thing i acc love ever again #me to 2020 me;;; she deserves so much better than this!! sorry i ruined it for u </3 #i will delete this i just wanna cry lmao

[hailsatanacab]

No cetbwa update tomorrow guys, sorry! I'm also probably going to move the update schedule around a bit—I'm thinking maybe the first Friday of every month?—because we're catching up to my backlog and I'm not happy about it haha

So next chapter will be up on the 7th of Oct, see you then!!! 😊

#cetbwa #sorry but also what can you do #i probably could rush it and finish this chapter but honestly i dont want to put out something without at least having one round of editing #(not like this is my carefree uni days lmao i actually like cetbwa) #speaking of though!! ive just been rereading it - and editing bits as i go - because it kinda feels like im losing the voice a little bit? #so i want to get a better feel for it again #and im actually enjoying it??? like? im not going crazy with myself about it so thats a fun change of pace #but i also want a little time off so i can write something for dpxdc week! #its not gonna be much i think ive only got ideas for two of the prompts so far #but itll be fun!! and i cant wait to do it!! #im having fun guys and i only wish i could write faster because i want to see it finished too haha #i cannot write fast tho ugh #dont understand how some people do it #also i gotta start replying to some comments 😬😬😬 sorry guys ily really #anyway thanks for understanding! love you all!!

[littledreamling]

I have spent the last two months thinking about this fic, the last two days writing it, and now that I’m 3.6k words into it, we’ve finally reached the scene that inspired the entire fic 🙃

#god i love and hate writing sometimes #if anyone wants to beta read it let me know! #i always hear people talk about beta readers but I’ve never actually heard anything about how to GET one #do people just… volunteer?? #personally I think I’d love to be a beta reader bc I’m so fucking pedantic about grammar and punctuation and continuity #but I really do need someone to come aling behind me and point out glaring mistakes #I can only let my roommate read my wip so many times before she threatens to move out lmao #i wanted to get this fic out today (technically yesterday) but life got in the way #and by ‘life’ i mean that i drove home from college and it was also my birthday #so i didn’t get as much writing done as i wanted #but oh well #better late than never #it’ll get uploded eventually #probably… #sandman netflix #the sandman #sandman fic #my writing #my fic

[gingerbreadmonsters]

[head in hands] do you ever get the feeling you should have waited for another 'the balance' audio to drop before you posted ur fics about it so that people were in the mood for it

#because ooh baby i very much do #it's poor planning on my part i do apologise #i just get so excited about them and i wanna share them straight away #bc i'm very proud!! and i like writing them and i like being excited about these stories with other people as well #but maybe i need to get better at holding that back #two fics about the balance - one for sunshine at the weekend and one for blake today #and both are getting next to no traction which is a little disheartening #not anyone's fault!! i'm never going to say that you should rb my fics if you don't like them #and this isn't meant in any kind of passive-aggressive guilt-trippy way #i probably just need to get better at writing things that people actually want to read lmao 🤩🤩 #i wish i was better at writing characters like david or sam or ash i'm sorry #i'll try to do better in the future #bc i want to give you what you want to see!! and those three are i know very popular and people love them very much #but yeah i probably should have held onto these until another elliott or blake audio dropped #never mind lol #i hope you're having a wonderful start to your week!! #💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕 #ginger rambles #<- you can block that tag if you like i won't be offended lol

[clericlost]

lately i’ve been feeling so much like. cheering clapping applause to be here with y’all but all the enthusiasm is stuck in a snowglobe that i can’t figure out how to break cause it’s made of fear pain agony because social anxiety every time i log on :/

#out. #negative // #it sucks to experience but honestly it sucks more than like. i know people are here to have fun and often write better when #they can actually get along w their writing partner? #and i hate that this Thing is just in the way of me and everyone else but idk how to get rid of it #it's just Paralyzing like i just get stuck and it feels impossible to shake myself out of it #and then i feel anxious about THAT lmao so. wondering if i need to just throw the towel in instead of doing this to my partners jdskfs #like i logically know it's not That big of a deal but i also know it can feel so discouraging to be excited abt smth and not feel it back #but it's not even the feeling it back that's the issue! it's just talking w people idk why my brain just flatlines over it but it's so bad #lately. when i'm in a good headspace i'm the exact same way and LOVE when i can iron down my interactions to ppl i just Enjoy being around #but when i'm in a bad headspace it's so hard to do anything other that hide in ic replies indefinteily #even with people i'm so so comfortable with cause it is very much a state of being that stems from Me not anyone else #idk. i just feel shitty for ghosting but then i feel too shitty to fix it :/ #wish i could psychically link w all of you so u could know how happy i am to write with you #idk why it's so hard to translate ooc one on one #idk why it's like there's an actual physical wall in my brain stopping me most of the time #social anxiety fucking sucks i guess lol #yeah....... killing it w my mind #i know it's probably just made worse by my recent caffiene addiction but it'll probably be a while before i can kick that shit so #idk if i should quit while i'm barely ahead or just. try to be okay with ic replies #but i Hate that cause it feels like such bad rp etiquette like. i don't wanna rp like that lol #but idk how else to while i'm like this :/ #which probably means i should take a break!! but i selfishly don't wanna lose more writing partners than i already have but then #i guess either way i might lose some people but at least if i took a break it'd feel like less shitty of a reason #ugh...... #too much to think about on a sunday afternoon

[carolinanadeau]

Embarrassing, ridiculous TMI under the readmore (not gross! just way too personal!)

I do not have PTSD and I don't want to be a part of the "flippantly using the word 'trigger'" problem at all, but I think I finally found a proper name for this harmful behavior I've wrestled with since at least high school, and it's called self-triggering.

Again, I don't have trauma... well, everybody has some trauma, but that's not the thing I'm triggering myself about here. And if I explained what I had actually been doing to myself (which may be obvious to someone who's reading between the lines but I don't want to talk about it for reasons I've stated before), it would sound laughably, mockably trivial. But the results are still an acute increase in depression and obsessive negative/angry thinking and distress and alienation from something that usually gives me joy... so it's still harmful to me, no matter how stupid and frivolous it sounds. Perhaps it's an OCD/depression self-triggering instead of a PTSD self-triggering.

I reiterate, what I'm discussing is not trauma, not EVER claiming it is, but:

In a similar vein, one set of case studies (De Young, 1984) conceptualized approaching situations reminiscent of the trauma as “counterphobic behavior” (i.e., an attempt to master anxiety by repeatedly approaching its source, resulting in a greater sense of control).  

I understand this, the "maybe if I keep looking I'll become desensitized", and "I need more information so I can better avoid this thing and people associated!" Or even "well maybe it wasn't really that bad, maybe I'm remembering it as worse than it was" (I'm not, if anything I've forgotten just how bad it was!)

Likewise, if trauma survivors perceive reexperiencing symptoms as inevitable, they may wish to decide the time and place of their occurrence, affording them a sense of control.

...is that the irrational "gotta get it over with" compulsion??  

Alarmingly, many users also report being unable to stop this behavior once they have begun despite the dysregulation and distress that it causes.

This is how it goes: I will read or even just skim through something that causes me serious emotional distress, whether that is a fanfiction with something horrible happening to characters I find comfort in, or a really nasty article full of harsh, baseless criticisms of something I love so much. (Again, these things sound laughable but to the way my mind works, it is not. Though I also do something similar with actual bad memories from my life [I think everyone does], well, you can't "reread" or refresh those. And I also have the power to delete/destroy any physical records I have of those.)

So, I will vow to never ever let this wretched thing enter my eyeballs again. I will ruminate about it and quietly seethe about the fact that it exists, and that some people even like/agree with it! I won't be able to get certain upsetting phrases out of my head and I will obsess and it will ruin my enjoyment of related things whenever I get reminded of it.

Maybe I will find ways to block or blacklist to lower my chances of seeing it. And I will be very vigilant about this for a long time and will successfully avoid it, even if I see reminders here and there that make me mad. Slowly, I'll only remember a few specific sentences from the thing, and even those may be unclear.

And then I'll suddenly develop the belief that I "have to" look at it again for some reason, and my heart will start pounding as I start bracing myself for this "inevitability".  And eventually the irrational, self-destructive side will win out and I'll do it, believing that it's like ripping a bandaid off for the greater good. Gotta get it over with, you see. I'll only glance over it, of course, because this time I already know how bad it is - I'll just read a few sentences here and there on my way to do something "sensible" like block the url or check who liked it so I know it wasn't my friends - but it will be enough to make me feel like absolute shit for days again, and now I have these fresh memories in my head to contend with and the cycle of trying to forget these bad bad thoughts and be able to freely enjoy the thing I love starts all over again.

and that's what you missed on Glee!

#honestly if I ever get a therapist it would be so much easier just to submit an essay like this rather than infodump it all out loud #I'm so much better in writing and it would feel less humiliating! #anyway I'm trying to say that I KNOW that this is for the therapist that I don't have and not for tumblr #but I'm glad I could put it into words and since I've been showing effects of it on here... might as well explain it on here #I would get SUCH anon hate for this post if I had a following. and if I had anon on. I can feel it #I'm actually worried about losing followers or mutuals for this just because it sounds cringe and insane #but like I can't fix my own experiences and my own mental health just because 'people are dying Kim' you know??? #I would cite my source but... lol. lmao even. #also I guess I didn't do a good job finally being normal on here today did I? 0 days since our last nonsense #when I returned to tumblr this is exactly who I didn't want to be anymore #but it's also weirdly cathartic that someone who cares even a little about me might know about how I feel now. idk. #on the cycle we are 2 days post the re-triggering event lol. I did something else stupid today but nothing as stupid as THAT #it's probably been ~9 months since I was first/last exposed to the content of this Bad Thing so this setback is infuriating #my original post