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nevermore117 · 1 month

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figured I might talk a little about how I've been making soap so yall can judge my dirty ass workstation

I'm making a new batch this evening so it seems like a good way to show everything from the top. This is a long post, I just like sharing my hobbies and I think soapmaking is fucking cool ok

Part 1:

Essentially, when you make soap you're mixing sodium hydroxide (or another similar base like potassium hydroxide) with water and oils and blending them up. When mixed they go through a process called saponification, during which (from my rudimentary understanding) the fatty acid tails break off from the fat structure because the hydrogen atom in the NaOH (sodium hydroxide) really wants to bond in that spot instead. The Na is an ion and breaks off from the molecule in water anyways, and it and the remaining O bond with the fatty acid tail and make a soap. Don't ask me any more please I'm not out of gen chem 2 yet.

All that means is, you take some water and some oils and some sodium hydroxide and mix it together, let it react, and you get soap. The key is the ratios of oils, water, and sodium hydroxide.

The thing is, sodium hydroxide is a strong base. Which is kind of like a strong acid in how bad it is to touch. You don't want it on your hands, you don't want it in your mouth, and jesus fucking christ it WILL blind you if you get it in your eyes. So PPE (personal protective equipment) is a must. And not just some gardening gloves either, you need proper eye and skin protection.

I have latex gloves, a long-sleeved denim shirt I got from my old job for free, and some decent protective goggles. All of this goes on before the lye is opened and doesn't come off until I'm completely done with everything. PPE isn't a joke.

Anyways. When you're making soap you need stuff like measuring bowls of course, since like I mentioned it's the ratios that matter. I measure everything by the gram with a digital scale. Silicone spatulas are also a must, I have two.

I also have an immersion blender. You COULD stir by hand, but I'm not eager to splash 10M lye around willy nilly so I got the blender. It just makes it easier and gives a better final product. I keep my tools separate from anything I would eat with bc, yknow,

, so no smoothies for this bad boy. Not pictured are plain spoons for adding stuff to the measuring bowls. I use glass bowls bc the lye can corrode metal.

Once I measure out an oil/butter I dump it into a big glass measuring cup. I could use a bowl but the measuring cup has a handle and I'm gonna be heating it up later.

Did you think I was done fearmongeroing about sodium hydroxide? Nope! It isn't just bad to touch, it's also bad to breathe! And it generates heat when you dilute it! That's hardly unique to lye, but it's still a little scary and cool.

The lye comes in little round pellets that I have to dissolve into a specific amount of water to get the right concentration of sodium hydroxide solution, and while that's happening it gives off vapors that SUCK to breathe. Ask me how I know. It's not "gonna kill you, call 911 asap", but it's "OWCH my LUNGS". You know if you breathed some in, it stings for a bit when you breathe in like something irritated the lining of your esophagus. Because it did.

So you have to make soap (or at least dilute your sodium hydroxide) in a well-ventilated area. Hence why I do this in my dirty ass garage instead of a nice clean kitchen. I have a big fan set up right next to my water bath (for keeping the lye cooler as I dilute it plus emergency water for washing), and I open the garage door to get that shit out. No enclosed spaces for me, please.

Now... actually making the soap look and smell nice. I have fragrance oils I add, plus I can also add stuff like soap colorant (NOT FOOD DYE), clay (like a clay mask), exfoliants, etc. I just kinda fuck around with trying new oils together. The appeal of this hobby for me is trying new things and experimenting.

I'll update more with actual in-progress photos once I'm done. I took these after cleaning all my supplies, I have some work I have to do before actually making soap bc it takes a while to measure everything out. Hopefully I'll find some time later this afternoonnnn

#furry.txt #soapdate #yes I know my workstation is a mess #I have to be able to pack everything down once I'm done so I can't really establish a permanent workspace #it's not actually as dirty as it looks this table is just fucking old and covered in speckles #I've tried washing it #it's just damage and not actually dirt #long post

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vanillahub · 9 months

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☄❀✂❦

@honorhunt

the salty af munday meme [Accepting]

☄ Have you ever been in the middle of drama?

// In all of my years RPing here, I've managed to avoid big dramas for the most part! Thank fuck.

So, the one that did involve was mainly due to misunderstandings, from another person. This happened about 4-5 years ago, and the person in question has come clean and apologised for jumping the gun, the way they did. It's all good between us, but the incident in question has kinda of stuck in my mind.

Essentially I had responded to one of those unpopular opinions memes, and this person's former friend looked @ my post and went straight to this person, try to push the idea I was somehow vagueposting about them and their muse. And they believed their so-called friend in question.

Which I really wasn't..... At all. Things escalated for like an hour, thankfully it all ended within that night, and next to nothing hit the public dashboards. But it was still seen as an odd incident, because other rpers who knew this person better, found their reaction to my post odd (they could tell my post wasn't a jab at all at them). Then about an year later, I was reached out by this person and we both cleared things up.

read more bc iT GETS LONG LMAO

❀ What has made you completely lose your chill?

// SEE, I'm SO confrontational avoidant, it is really difficult for me to pop off in the instant something is happening. I may grow angry and develop resentment, but that only happens after the matter.

So, looking back on some of my shit experiences. I'll have to say that it for sure was back when, I had to deal with ppl who loved cherrypicking everything I said, and distort beyond belief what I was trying to communicate. I don't hide the fact I'm not native in English, and I try my HARDEST to be as clear and straightforward as possible.

BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP TO ATTRACT PEOPLE, who cannot have a rational and level-headed discussion, and have to resort to low moves with me. Why bother coming up with arguments and yknow, keep it within the realm of things we are discussing. When you can just start acting as if, you can't understand a single sentence I write?

Yes gringos, show us how you guys simply cannot communicate with us, because we may have made a small grammar mistake while talking to you in an informal setting like Discord DMs. Just make it all about the semantics, that's such a big brain move. Only native english speakers can do this, we are the pleb and must be thankful, you guys even talk to us foreigners at all. This has unfortunately happened more than once with me, and let me tell you: this shit can get under my skin so FAST. It happened with my writing, and it has happened with some of my muses portrayals as well.

I'm being clear with my statements, but people CHOOSE to misinterpret to suit their views of me. I have always been clear about what my muses are about, but people CHOOSE to run with whatever they want to believe.

✂ A fandom that you feel isn't open and accepting?

// I've been through a handful of Fandoms around here, and I'm going to say it. The RPC that's the worst one, in being the most newcommer unfriendly. That would be League of Legends. Things were already pretty bad, back when I was into it and part of that RPC. And by the looks of it, it only got progressively worse. The Arcane show, only added to that toxicity according to some of my folks, who are still in touch with that series one way or another.

You just don't hear a lot from it now, bc now there is competition for the prize of "the most toxic online community".

❦ Has someone been jealous of you?

// There could have been, and at the same time no one may have felt like that about me. Either way, I really don't care about it, I'm not dying to find that one out. And honestly? That's entirely a their problem.

I genuinely have better things to do in my day. I pity anyone who develops jealousy of others, over tumblr RP of all things.

#[ rambles ]#thank you for the ask!#honorhunt

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lunatic-fandom-space · 3 years

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Comparing RWBY and YGO DM: The Handling and Evolution of Themes

Hey! Its been a hot minute since I last posted anything RWBY-related but Im laying in my bed right now and Im sick and bored so I guess we're doing this. Today I will do my best to analyze what I percieve to be the main themes and messages of both of these shows, or more specifically, how theyre handled narratively. Im mostly focusing on that part because, while these series do have similar themes and messaging, they are still a few things in which they are wildly different. And with that, lets start with this essay-post-thing!

1. Theres something we need to adress first

Okay so, before we can really talk about this, theres something I feel the need to clarify here: Neither of these stories was "planned from the beginning".

Now, I dont think a story being planned from the beginning or not nesscessarily makes the story any better or worse by default, however, it is still important to acknowledge because the way the story is planned is going to affect every facet of it. Things are not going to be foreshadowed properly, things are gonna be set up only for nothing to come of it, the story might drastically change directions, characters might act differently, etc, etc.

And, this is bit off-topic but, it's much better to just admit that the story was not planned than trying to pretend that it was. Like, there are a lot of reasons why I tend to be so forgiving towards YGO even though its not very good, but one of them is definitely the fact that, as far as Im aware atleast, the guy who wrote it isnt pretending to have had this big master plan all along and neither is the fandom. With RWBY on the other hand... yeaaaah, its kinda the opposite. From what Ive seen of RWBYs fandom, there seems to be this pretty popular narrative that everything was planned even though it clearly wasnt. Thats pretty bad and honestly lowers my opinion of the writers so much more than if they would just admit to not having a proper plan.

Like, I initially consumed YGO like this: Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Monsters, Yu-Gi-Oh (aka Season 0), like, a quarter of the Yu-Gi-Oh manga (I still havent finished it)

In all three of these we have the character of Yami Yuugi, or just Yami. Broadly speaking, he is an ancient egyptian gamer spirit who lives in a magical puzzle that has not been solved for 3000 years until this highschooler named Yuugi Mutou comes along and solves it, thus setting him free and allowing him to possess Yuugi and have access to the vague magical powers of the puzzle.

In Duel Monsters he's perfectly fine most of time, morally speaking. There is an instance of him almost murdering a guy and its a bit unclear what exactly happens to those he mindcrushes but overall he's very much a pretty good guy. In Season 0 most of what he does is set up these games for bad people, where they will go insane no matter what they do. From how I understand this whole Shadow Game, Penalty Game stuff, if you lose a Shadow Game, you get violent and intense hallucinations and you will always cuz yknow, gamer spirit. But if you try to cheat, which most of the bad people do in this show, you get violent and intense hallucinations as a punishment.

Since the two anime are generally considered two different continuities, its perfectly fine that Yamis characterization is wildly different in both of them. But in the manga both of these characterizations appear, basically one after the other with no real arc or consequences, for that matter. Why is that? Simply put, someone thought it was a good idea to try to turn an episodic, very slice of life-y light-horror manga into a more traditional, more plot-driven battle shounen. From what Ive heard, it was apparently largely because of network interference or something, but the point is, it changed directions incredibly drastically with little planning and everyone knows this and I can understand that for the most part.

In RWBY we have the character of Blake Belladonna, who, in the first 3 volumes/seasons atleast, was this aloof, more toned down loner-type character with a pretty strong sense of justice. She's an in-universe marginilized racial minority and she clearly cares about racial injustice. The way its initially framed makes it seem like she had a very hard life and no stable support system, which is what eventually pushed her to join a Civil Rights group/Terrorist organization (good god, the Faunus subplot is so awful, I could write a whole essay about it but Im already de-railing rn so I'll just save that for later).

Then, in volumes 4-5 it turns out her father is actually like, the mayor or chief of this island-place called Menagerie and she grew up in this big mansion with multiple guards/servants. Oh and also, apparently "space is a commodity" on there, so theres that. She still retains large parts of her personality but she's kinda like, worse somehow I think. I cant really describe it in a meaningful way but I hope you get what Im saying anyway. Then in Volume 6 she confronted her emotional abuser Adam (sorry for not mentioning him sooner but yeah, he was like, her abusive boyfriend, which is something that a lot of people disagree with but I wont really say anything about it either way because I dont really feel any specific way) with her friend, Yang, and ended up killing him.

After all that, she pretty much lost the rest of her personality, as well as her arc about all the Faunus stuff. She just kinda became the meek, generically nice, recovering abuse victim. Why? Well, the actual reason is that they didnt plan out shit and are just kinda flying by the seat of their oversized clown-pants and if they and the fandom just admitted it, I would have less of an issue. I still wouldnt be as forgiving towards RWBY as I am towards YGO because the crux of the issue, for me, is just that I dont particulary like RWBY but also like. Do you really expect me to take MKEK seriously as writers after admitting to not have a timeline because iT wOuLd CaUsE pLoThOlEs?

However, since they want us to believe that everything was planned out from the beginning, the explaination would be.... Idk, they deliberately butchered one of their main characters?? Because.. they hate her?? Maybe????

So yeah, that was quite a detour however, I would like you to keep this mind going forward.

2. Themes of the Early Series'

First, what do mean by 'Early Series' for both of these shows respectively? Well, for YGO that would have to be Season 0 or if youre reading the manga, everything pre-Duelist Kingdom. Basically, the part of the series thats a episodic, very slice of life-y light-horror series.

For RWBY that would be the first three Volumes, also known as the Poser-Era. Back then it was just kinda an action series that took place at Anime Warrior Academy (also known as Beacon) with some pretty bare minimum worldbuilding, character-driven plots and developments but now its more of an epic high-fantasy story with more of an emphasis on plot as opposed to just action.

The themes and messages in Early YGO are kinda vague, very confusing to me and if you were to follow any of it literally that would be pretty bad. For now Im just gonna say the main themes are Friendship and Identity and mostly focus on the Identity aspect.

Now, it took me a little while to figure out RWBYs deal but I think the main themes for Volumes 1-3 are also Friendship and Heroism. Once again, I'll mostly focus on Heroism and touch on Friendship more briefly later.

I dont have much more to add to YGOs themes right now, so I'll briefly go over Heroism in RWBY.

In RWBYs setting there are these man-eating monsters called Grimm that have basically infected the planet. In order to deal with that, they have people called huntsmen and huntresses that kill them and protect people. Theyre trained at special academies like Beacon and go on missions there and stuff like that. Our four main characters, Ruby, Weiss, Blake and Yang, are training to become huntresses and one day they go on this mission to clean up a grimm infested city block with one of their teachers. Obviously, that takes a long time so they have to camp out in one of the empty houses. Weiss, Blake and Yang cant sleep because theyve been thinking about this question that their teacher asked them when they were fighting grimm: "Why do you want to become a huntress?"

They have a heart to heart and we find out about their motivations; Weiss wants to bring honour back to her family, Blake want to distance herself from the White Fang (that terrorist organization I mentioned earlier) and as an extension from Adam, Yang wants to have a life of adventure. They also talk about why Ruby wants to be a huntress and it turns out that she judt wants to help people. Unlike the others, she has no motivation besides that. We're meant to listen to that and look at her as a sort-of personification of Heroism: kind, but not naive, strong and most of all, selfless. The others on her team are not portayed as bad for not being like Ruby by any means but we are clearly meant to admire her the most out of all of them.

Okay, now comes the part Ive been looking forward to the most:

3. How did these themes evolve in the Modern Series'?

Alright, before we can really delve into the way they evolved in YGO I'll have to give you a brief summary of the character progression. At the start of DM, during the Duelist Kingdom arc, Yami Yuugi is just that; A darker Yuugi. Hes more confident, bolder, his voice is deeper, hes somehow taller, more ruthless, all that good stuff. Notably, he doesnt actually seem more skilled than Yuugi even at the start of this story, but he's still dependent on Yami. Yami on the other hand, has no identity of his own or even hints at one at this point. He's just The Other Yuugi.

Then during the Battle City arc, they find out that Yami was actually a pharao prior to being sealed in the puzzle, he just didnt know because of amnesia, I guess. So now they need to find out his real name and then send him to the afterlife because hes meant to be dead, but not before saving the world from being swallowed by darkness, which is also a thing they have to do now.

Then we finally get to the Memory World arc, where Yami, Yuugi and the rest of the gang astralproject to ancient egypt via puzzle magic. Yami is trying to figure out what the hell is going on and who all these familiar people are, while Yuugi & Co are trying their best to help him. Then some weird shit happens and it turns out that all of that is not just Yamis sealed away memories, but also a giant D&D Shadow Game that will destroy the world if Yami loses. So now theres Pharao!Yami who is still clueless on the metaphorical and literal playing field and Player!Yami, who is kinda controlling himself now? I guess?? Yamis opponent, The Spirit of The Ring, has something similar to that going on where hes both controlling and properly participating in the game. So Player!Yami is now fighting against Player!TSoTR, Pharao!Yami is now fighting against Thief King Bakura (who is like, the human, ancient egyptian version of the Ring Spirit) and Yuugi is now fighting against Yami Bakura (who is like, the human, modern japanese version of the Ring Spirit). Yuugi gets Yamis real name, he and the gang go over to Pharao!Yami and tell him his name, meanwhile Player!Yami is also somehow helping as well and they defeat the Ring Spirit, thus saving the world. Then they travel to modern Egypt, the Ceremonial Duel happens and Yuugi wins, sending Yami to the Afterlife where he can finally rest and that was the series!

I originally wanted to recount the stuff that was going on with the Ring Spirit and his host as well because they parallel eachother, but this summary is already far too long and I think youll get the point without me needing to explain any more.

My point here is, that the story went from being vaguely about Identity, maybe? to being very clearly about Self-Discovery and Learning to Be Independent. I think this is a very good way to evolve the messaging of your story. How does RWBY track on that?

Well, uh... its not great. I will acknowledge that they have tried to introduce new themes and ideas since, even though I wont really be talking about them in this post. But yeah, the whole Heroism thing really regressed.

Like, I didnt explicitly say it when I was explaining grimm earlier, but theyre not going away. The grimm have always been there and people who sign up to become huntsmen and huntresses are effectively signing up for a job that will never truly be done, no matter what they do. Characters like Ruby and even more minor ones like Phyrrah have shown us that that doesnt matter when youre a hero. No life isnt worth saving, no grimm isnt worth killing, no criminal isnt worth arresting. Then, in volume 6 they find out about Salem. Salem is the Big Bad of the show, shes immortal, controls the grimm and is supposed to be very powerful.

What do our heroes do? They give up. Sike! They were just mindcontrolled by monsters or some shit, of course they didnt give up their mission (which is to bring an Important Macguffin to a city called Atlas, sorry I didnt mention it)!

But then they arrive in Atlas (which is llike, a city thats floating over another city called Mantle) and yknow, they do some plot stuff thats not really important right now until the city gets invaded by Salem and this big grimm army she has.

What do our heroes do? Well, Ruby, Weiss, Blake and some side characters are chilling, drinking tea in a mansion and Yang and the B Team were actually trying to do something, but even those efforts seem incredibly minimal.

Oh wait, I also forgot to mention that Ironwood (a fairly minor, vaguely antagonistic character up until now) wanted to lift Atlas even higher to save Atleasian civilians from danger while leaving Mantle vulnerable to Salems invasion.

What would be the most heroic thing to do?

A) Let Ironwood lift Atlas, get as much support as they can down to Mantle and save as many Mantle civilians as they can from the invasion

B) Prevent Ironwood from lifting Atlas but then split up in order to protect both Atlas and Mantle civilians

C) Prevent Ironwood from lifting Atlas and then dont do anything else

Congrats! If you choose C, you think exactly like the writers!

And I just

This is so mindboggling to me, I feel like I shouldnt even have explain how this is bad. And like, it wouldve been so easy to actually make them seem herokc through their actions, to make it seem like they did try but no.

I have never seen a central theme be this botched, how in the world did they do that? Why did they think it was a good idea for Ruby "The Embodiment of Heroism" Rose to sit in a mansion doing nothing, no planning, no organizing just ..... God, how are they this bad? Like, this doesnt even have anything to do with it being planned in any way, this is just straight up incompetence

4. Very briefly touching on friendship

The friendship is awful and its not solely because they all have the same opinions. They barely interact with eachother outside their designated pairs which leads to it all feeling incredibly hollow. Theyre also practically indistingushable from one another now, which is a shame because it wasnt always like that. Like, I dont think the characters were that well-developed in earlier volumes but they were very well-characterized. But now we've gotten to a point where you can literally copy and paste one characters dialogue onto another and literally nothing changes, it really sucks.

5. Some closing words

Damn, this took way longer than I thought it would and now Im pretty exhausted. I have no idea how yall always write these but props to you! I feel like this ended up a bit rambly but overall, Im pretty proud.

Please let me know what you think of the points I brought up! Id also really appreciate some tips on how to get better at these longer posts because I am planning on writing more in the future (not the near future, probably but yknow).

Thats all I have to say for now, thanks for reading!

#rwde #rwby critism #anti mkek #yu gi oh #ygo duel monsters #yu gi oh analasis

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storybookstalker · 5 years

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Story or headcanon form: "Harley Quinn becoming obsessed with Hero!Reader when (she/he) legitimately tries to help her reform and whatever. It looks like (she/he) made progress but they're wrong, in a way..."

AAaaa I got a bit carried away but I hope it’s still alright!

Months had gone by since that one night, you couldn’t remember much of it if you were being honest. Flashes of fire and light came to mind, Harley’s breakdown surrounded by smoke. Smoke rising from various buildings and cars. You had been in pain but exactly how much pain was anyone’s guess. The months following the mass destruction of downtown Gotham were calmer than they had been in a few years. Without Harley’s help, Joker tended to stay in Arkham longer. Not to say he didn’t escape, but hey. It’s Gotham. Thinking Gotham would be crimeless is like thinking pigs may fly tomorrow morning. But you were still in the glow of Harley’s near successful reform. When she wasn’t murderous, you found you had more in common with the woman than you thought you would have. Her therapy had been narrowed down to once a week. You were very proud, beyond happy your gut was right about Harley’s feelings and the possibility of her reform. On your way to pick her up, to take her to therapy. Then out to an early dinner.

You yawned, leaning against your car in the driveway of Harley’s group home. Living with a group of people for a year or two, whether it were a group home or simply a shared apartment, was a condition of her reform. Harley swung the door of the home open. She paused to excitedly wave to whoever was inside. You smiled.

Shifting, you were a bit confused as to why you felt as sore as you did. There was confusion towards why you didn’t quite remember much of your hangout with Harley, but you vaguely remember driving her home. You really should take more breaks from all these all nighters. Especially the “hero”ing part of it. Rubbing the back of your neck, you heave yourself from bed. You tense, hearing a loud crash from downstairs as you push the bedroom door open. The noise snapped the drowsiness from your eyes and you were quick to grab the nearest weapon, quicker to rush into the front area of your home. It smelled like bacon? Halting as your kitchen came into view, your mind blanked on the answer to the noise. Harley was in your kitchen. Making breakfast from what it looked like. She had dropped a pan, bacon and grease smacked into the floor.

“Aw damnit-” The blonde threw her hands up in an exaggerated way- “That was the last batch!”

You didn’t quite remember coming home and you definitely didn’t remember letting Harley into your house. Loudly, you question what the fuck she was doing. She’d been doing so good for so long, why was she in your house?

“Oh Suga, ya don’t remember?” She mused with that drawl of an accent that seemed to only belong to her. You went to tell her off-

She continued, “You were supa sleepy driving me ‘ome last night, so I offered to drive ya back. I didn’t wanna just take ya car and I figured ya wouldn’t mind if I crashed on the couch. Felt so bad bout all the crimin’, ‘specially with that havin’ used to be me. So I buckled up early and make ya breakfast!”

She looked up from cleaning the floor, a happy smile on her face. “I know it’s hard to trust me after all that, but I’ve been doin’ real good! Just you wait, you’ll see! I’ll blow you away with all the work I’ve put into this, babydoll!”

It made you feel bad, in a way. You were so quick to jump to the worst. Glancing down at the mess, you threw your weapon onto the nearest counter and went to go get a mop.

The two of you settled down in the living room to finish breakfast with the morning cartoons after you apologize for jumping to conclusions. Harley finally tossed you back the remote with a laugh. You moved to get the dishes but she quickly jumped to beat you to it.

“Feel free to which the channel, suga! I’ve gotta pee so you got a bit before I come back to hassle you for remote rights!” She called to you.

Smirking you flipped through channels. You paused, having landed on the News. A small ‘hmf’ sound slipped from your lips, might as well see what the media was selling. You’d check it out yourself later on. Nothing important, it seemed though. That being thought, you were about to continue flipping through channels when a new headline flashed onto the screen.

“5 people found dead in home group”

The reporter stood in front of Harley’s group home, going on to clearly tell the story with concerned eyes. Late in the night yesterday. Yesterday. You suddenly felt disgusted, dizzy. Had Harley…? Arms loosely wrapped around you from behind, a comforting gesture if they hadn’t killed people within 48 hours. You hissed, asking why as you shot away from her. After all the work, all the emotions in the last couple months. Was everything a lie? Why lie in the first place?! You trip over the coffee table, why were you so dizzy? What was Harley doing?

“Suga please! Sit down you’ll hurt yourself!” She cried out, ignoring your questions.

You glared at her, snapping. What was happening? Why would she do this? Any of this?

“I didn’t lie! Sit down and I’ll tell ya babydoll.” She spoke as if she were speaking to a child, but you complied reluctantly. You snarled when she moved towards you, she slowed but didn’t stop.

“Well, suga, I knew if I didn’t do it you wouldn’t ever give me a chance yknow?” She started, why was she tearing up? Crying? You were more than confused, the feeling of floating wasn’t much help. You ask what the hell she was talking about, a chance? A chance at what? A chance at peacefully killing people!?

“A chance at likin’ me!” She blurts out, tears might have started streaming down her face but it was getting harder and harder to focus. “Maybe ya would’ve loved me after while… but all those whores in that awful house! They constantly talk about you behind my back! They all liked ya I’m sure! What’s there not to like..?”

Harley lunged towards you with a sob, putting herself between your feet before you could react.

“I couldn’t let them do that suga! I couldn’t-” She gripped the end of your shirt, pulling it to her- “I’d worked so hard to get ya to like me! They were horrible an’ disgusting, sometimes they was fun. But your dignity’s always been more ‘portant than me! So they had to go honeybunny!” She paused, sounding far away.

You felt much too heavy to react. You wondered if Harley was smiling, you must have asked why.

“Because I love ya so much suga’ pea.” Whatever drug she had slipped into you finally slapped you unconscious, and you were left to the thoughtless void.

#Yandere Harley Quinn #Yandere DC #Yandere x reader #DC yandere #yandere #yandere headcanons #yandere writings #genderless reader #gender netural reader #gender netural #yandere dc x reader #yandere harley quinn headcanons #harley quinn headcanons #harley quinn #harley quinn dc #dc

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asheternal · 5 years

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[DO NOT REBLOG PLEASE.]

(THIS IS NOT FACT, IT’S JUST MY PERSONAL VIEW. Keep that in mind! How I interpret media is probably different than your own perception! This also has one vague personal anecdote about my past with abuse as forewarning.)

(Also I avoid canon names as to keep this shit out of tags so this may sound incredibly dorky, apologies.)

This by no means is meant to discredit or harm abuse victims- please take this as a “bringing some nuance” to the discussion rather than an outright attack on someone’s ideas/beliefs. If I wanted to or planned to attack people- I’d reblog them and go off. This is a discussion on the concept, not anyone specifically. If you see the ship as abuse personally- that’s your perspective. I have no right to tell you not to think that way and this mini-essay does not carry that intent.

C*tradora is a ship people are starting to consider abusive and while I agree in present context it might be to a degree (though I’d call it TOXIC, not abusive) I feel like people forget that things between both of them can very much change.

Abuse cycles only exist when the line is indoctrinated into believing that their behavior is right- when it’s a situation where they can’t find outside support to break that thinking... though Cat has two key characters who will most likely push her to a redemption arc- Scorpy and Entra. Both can be easily re-goodguy-ised due to their already neutral stances on the horde vs. everyone else, and it’s clear Cat relies on them both to some degree as she’d have never fully gotten the chance to overcome BADMOM without them.That can lead into Cat trying to make amends with Ador- bringing up her abandonment issues, possibly finding her homeland- finding out that she’s the princess of beasts or idk attractive cat people. It’s a very open plotline if you look at her original iteration from the 80s.

Sidenote- this argument was a common one back when barnmates was released and people shouted that lap//idot was abusive when it really wasn’t. It was toxic, that is until Peri learned to respect Lapis’ identity and allowed Lapis to approach her on her own merit. It took true redemption to finally push both of them to their true selves- to true recovery. Both had to lose everything before they could remotely consider healing, be it limb enhancers or having to flee to the moon out of fear. (Even if their progress wasn’t really shown, rushed writing of a subplot is a valid crit. of their relationship.)

The abuser in that ship was neither of the two involved- it was the abuse they suffered from their upbringing, from homeworld, which is very similar to the evil horde. In ALL of their cases, they only learn and heal once AWAY from their abusers, the narrative of “cat is becoming an abuser BAD SHIP” is one that is very.. understandable to some extent, but also sort of harmful to people who suffered parental abuse or other forms of systematic abuse. It’s saying “this pair is bad- all people who were abused will become abusers” and that’s frankly untrue and very nihilistic. I’d say if you’re a victim who never got help/didn’t fully recover long after escaping, you have a higher probability of becoming an abuser or showing abusive tendencies, but the notion that Cat WILL become an abuser or IS becoming one is highly flawed IN MY OPINION.

I’d argue that cat struggles with being toxic herself while in the horde, though once she distances herself she’ll become less and less consumed by it. We won’t see this until we see more of the show- it’s only the FIRST SEASON, so making big assumptions like “this ship will ALWAYS be abusive” is incredibly shallow. This isn’t an issue you can apply black and white thinking to- it’s an incredibly grey sort of relationship. Likewise- cat is still a TEENAGER (I know it’s hard to remember with some animation styles) and until you hit a certain age (it varies from 18-21, it’s an ongoing argument I’d rather not open up as I have a very individual based belief that it’s all on your personal development rather than age) who is living under AN ABUSIVE DICTATORSHIP where they intentionally brainwash these youngins into being super soldiers. It’s very much implied that cat was abused more heavily for developing feelings for her equal, hence why BADMOM was so keen on abusing cat. It’s why she was seen as “poisoning” Ador and was responsible for behavior Ador did that she was by no means in control of.

Alright, anecdote time because abuse and abandonment issues are like.. a big thing with my past. I used to, when I was in an abusive relationship/friendship, do what Cat does to some degree- when I could escape I didn’t. When I could do the right thing I didn’t. When I could hold my own view on the world I didn’t. When everyone told me I could get away from the abuse I didn’t and yknow why?

It’s easier to let it keep happening while being fully aware it happens. Hence why Cat KNOWING BADMOM was abusing them was such a hit in the face. Cat is a VICTIM, she doesn’t know anything better than what she has and the thought of having NOTHING is far more horrifying than the “comfort” of your normalcy- which is far from normal, it’s abuse. As an outsider, even as a possible victim yourself, it can seem so.. irrational for someone to keep going back, it can seem like they’re just reveling in the “power” aligning with abusers as a victim can have, but it’s anything but that. Sure- you can ham it up and act like that’s your intention, that you’re no victim, that you’re just “doing what’s right” but in the end all you’re doing is admitting you’ve fallen to the parasitic existence that is being a true abuser.

What happens when the victim, the host, is subject to repeated failures in the eyes of an abuser? You’re abandoned, thrown away. You’re demoted, mocked, called a “traitor” and left to fend for yourself. (In a hypothetical horde that is. Real life isn’t as theatrical... I’d hope.) Those people who wanted to help you may not be around still- you may have scared them off, they may have forgotten about you, they may have given up. Though in time alone you start seeing the world for what it is, eventually people come back once they see you’re away from your controller- you begin healing. People will return, just not the people you expect to- not your abuser, not your abuser’s abuser. Friends, people who saw the good in you but couldn’t handle seeing you destroy yourself or others for a twisted, sick abuser.

Though, with healing comes guilt, and with guilt comes understanding. The road to redemption isn’t a single action, it’s a chain that starts once you realize how messed up your situation is. I see that in Cat- starting with when she gave Ador her sword back, admitting without her she has no purpose to her abuser, no purpose for herself. “Letting go” of her feelings for Ador is not literal- it’s never that simple, they fester- it’s a sign that the grasp her abuser had on her is starting to break, so she has to do more drastic things to justify her actions, she has to desperately find some form of “usefulness” to the horde otherwise Ador was right. Otherwise BADMOM was, to some twisted degree, right. Cat is, by the definition of the Horde- weak, because she LOVES her lifelong teammate, her role model, her best friend. Love is not allowed under the rule of the Horde as it means she’d turn on them if it meant helping who she loved, so that was routinely beat into her. Ador never showed the same “weakness” in her- she could ignore her feelings and get results, she was always useful to the horde and losing her to her discovering she is capable of feeling things the horde deems unfit made her undesirable to the big bad guy.

If I am proven wrong and cat is later on shown to be 100% abusive, then yes- I won’t defend the ship at all on that. Though in the current state it’s a far more complex situation than “is cat an abuser” or not.

This sounds like a youtube script I know, so I’ll leave you with this last thought:

We can’t mend an abuser, but we can clean off the toxicity from a victim, thus preventing good people from becoming that which torments them. It’s not going to be solved by asking people to leave their situations- it takes a lot more effort to push someone to their own conclusions which is ultimately the best way to help someone caught in that sort of situation. You cannot force someone blinded by an abuser to “see the truth” if they refuse to, though you can influence their views and offer perspective to a situation they once saw as black and white.

In the end- the true evil is the system and parental figures these characters were raised by, not each other. I hope this could bring even just a little grey thought to those reading.

Thank you.

#hey ash whatcha sayin #ultimate analysis #its back again!!! the tag!!!#sorry if this is a mess of disjointed ideas im a tad messed up due to sleep problems but i hope the core concept at least lands #long post

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trossy20 · 5 years

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1/24/2019 Millbrae, CA

So I’ve made it! Here we are in CA. West coast is truly the best coast (and yes my boo CO, that includes you too). Currently I’m in the backyard of the house (Airbnb hostel-like place) under their mini gazebo/patio thing. It was cold last night, so the chairs are all dewy, encouraging me to take a sit on the pavement. It’s not particularly warm, but the sun is out and doing it’s thing just right. It’s 0940ish; I woke up around 0900, having gone to bed close to 0100 watching Californication and Big Mouth which, no Matt, it’s not funnier while you’re stoned. I did a double last night at Marvelous Performance, but that would’ve been more impressive at Terra Nova because at this gym, I’m currently partaking in the Fundamentals level. It felt great yesterday though to have done their crossfit-level workout afterward. I’m excited for tonight, which will be another double: fundamentals strength first, HIIT class after. I’m especially excited though, for this thing they’re advertising (and I can’t seem to find any other info on it than what Matt ((one of the coaches)) told me) called something like 6-weeks to Best Self. I met a dude last night who was cool enough to just walk up to me randomly and introduce himself. I liked his energy and he was a similar height, but built! He’s been a member for a year and said he started with the 6 week thing too-- said it’s worth it especially for the nutritional/educational piece. :3 so i gotta get on registering. Imma ask more tonight. There’s an orange and lemon tree back here, with fruit but a bit too early to pick. According to the other residents, there’s also a cherry and apple tree. Our neighbors have persimmons (my like new fav fruit) and figs! Amazing. This place is a little house, longer in length than width, with about 6 bedrooms. Each bedroom has bunkbeds and from what I understand, there’s a single private room? It works though! Yknow, if you’re not OCD about things/not super bugged by messy people… A team comes to clean supposedly twice a week, but the residents report it’s been more so once a week, which isn’t cool because we’re past half capacity. Still, it works. 3 or 4 fridges in total, a kitchen, living room, tiny dining room, a basement with another tv and computers which I can’t figure out if they belong to anyone in particular or not. 3 guitars or more (mine included). A piano. Plenty of bikes (supposedly one is communal, but every one that brought their own bike is willing to share. A poor excuse for a workout bench but it can work. Communal/free laundry soap (feels weird to smell different). And a solid group of misfits. The coffee here is free (As even indicated by a little sign someone made) and there’s nearly always a fresh pot on. I shared a lot of my mush yesterday which is fine because I’m getting help paying for it anyway ty Katherine, and people are getting hooked but now it’s not even gonna last 24H x). Gotta make more today… So being here: It’s been a little disorienting to find my feelings. Today’s the first day that I’m taking a bit of time to create the space. My last day off was a bit of that, but I was so excited and distracted by my mini adventure to Sprouts that I didn’t make a lot of headway for what’s going on up there. I was starting to wonder if there’s much going on at all, just because everything is new and engaging and something’s always happening (even if it’s just netflix or someone playing video games). It’s all too easy to just let the days roll by. I checked in** on Jan 6th, was it? (**got to millbrae a day earlier and Ren gave me crap later for having us sleep in the car and not Elo/Peter’s place hehe). I wonder too, if it was too quick of a transition. I’m slowly allowing the format of my exploration to change. CO was all about meeting people via apps, but here I’ve already fallen into a group and met people way more easily in person ie Marvelous Performace, a friend of a friend, or even work/fellow travelers. As the experience pans out, I’m at least aware that allowing this format to be different is growth in itself. It makes me wonder how the next place might feel. I’ve also started to wonder about extending here… but that remains to be seen. (Been toying with the idea of WA next). There’s a crow that’s been vocal this morning, little finches chirping at a quicker pace, and another bird I don’t recognize all seemingly celebrating the quiet, warm morning. I’ve notifed just now my nose is a tiny bit stuffy, but I can still smell the sweet baked/fried goodies from whatever bakery nearby. It carries in the wind to pretty impressive distances, but I think we’re close by. My laundry is going so I’m feeling extra productive/not worried about how I should be adventuring right now instead because I need to stick around to move it over/start the next load, and that made me wonder something new: I don’t feel … inquieto. I think that translates to anxious/restless. I always think it’s appropriate to say “be still, my heart,” if one is feeling inquieto, so I guess the translation fits. Still, i think those english words are a bit deceiving. Inquieto in ronnie world is yes, both of those, but fueled by a FOMA type of energy. I’m very aware of my emotional habit of needing to feel productive/busy all the time or else I’ll begin to feel depressed (something to examine later, though I don’t think it’s necessarily unhealthy of a thing. Bagh, but who knows what I’m hiding now), but (rounding back to the Something New) I think that energy is more at peace here, and that’s what’s mainly throwing me off. “Ronnie, what do you want..?” Uhh… Idk! We can always walk to Trader Joe’s or hop on the bus or train somewhere or read.. “Shouldn’t we be out meeting people? Meetups? Destinations? Missions?” Hm. I mean I guess but I rather just ride the bus or train :3 So maybe my social quota is filled already with these rascals. I expressed to Tracy that I was a little worried I’m not worried about it (am I asexual?), when she asked if there were any new love interests. She assured me that that’s totally normal-- we go through phases of course. She went through a 2 year stretch of not even giving that thought because life was just busy. She was doing her, and that was okay. That resonates with me. I guess I have this perception that around my age, everyone should be out socializing/meeting people/flirting/hooking up/getting trashed… but cmon ronnie, was that ever really you? I do find that fun occasionally, but it’s like I’m super happy to be settling more into my grandpa-like tendencies. I think the 8hr shifts have a lot to do with it too: the life I have within these contracts is probably hugely dictated by the shift I signed up for. These 8hr-ers encourage my grandpa trends, encourage a routine, encourage my days off to be restful and adventurous in MY way. In comparison, CO was 12hr-ers, nights, but took up about 4 days a week of my life. The rest of the days? I guess just chillin with Ren XD but it’s still different. Not in a bad way! Maybe I should look into more introspective prompts. Mainly I just try to gauge the degree of my inner FOMA, or trans-dom x) “*knocks on the mental door* Hey, Ronnie? You okay? You wanna do anything in particular?” -I’m good! “*narrow-eyed look* don’t be so quick to respond now, member?” -I know, but really! We could maybe paddleboard-- it’s supposed to be 60 deg today but if we don’t totally cool because that’s a lot of work opening the basement garage and all. Member, we gotta make more food at some point. *shrugs* meetup for ideas? But yeah, no FOMA :3 “Okay.. how you feeling bout dysphoria?” -Decent. I know we’ll have our class tonight. Should probs take a progress photo and that whole 6 week thing.. :) “Worm, cool. I’m thirsty.” It’s restaurant week! Maybe I’ll text that dude and his fiance to join us :3 1040 now, gonna check my laundry, skim meetups, and look into another pair of shoes because I destroyed the active ones……..

#jan2018 #CA2018 #millbrae

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miphastudies · 3 years

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17 Questions for 17 People

Thanks @its-bianca for tagging me in this! Sorry it’s taken so long, we’re in a third lockdown and I’m pretty sure my body thinks that time no longer exists.

Nicknames: Kim, Kimbo, Kimberlim, Kimothy, Kimberley Dibberley (For some reason my family thought that a nickname based off Cat’s other personality from Red Dwarf, Dwayne Dibberley, was funny and it’s stuck with me my whole life), as well as KIIII (shouted by my sister when she was about 2 and couldn’t pronounce my name, my best friend now yells it when she wants my attention) and Kim-Kim by my Dad who refuses to believe I’ve grown up (beats Kimberley Dibberley any day)

Height: 5'9 - towering over most men is fun, I suggest it to all of you, I’d rather round it up to six foot, but I probs stopped growing at 20.

Hogwarts House: Well I got Gryffindor when I first went on that site, but being my goth self I had to take the test again until I got Slytherin - as far as I remember I had unicorn hair (or horn?) or something of the like in my wand but I’m not gonna fuel JK’s anti-trans pockets by visiting Pottermore ever again.

Last thing I googled: The soundtrack for Futurama’s Luck of the Fryrish episode, I knew Simple Minds were on it but I could’ve sworn Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty was on it, but apparently not. I spent a good half hour trying to sing it into google with their new song-analysis thing to no avail, so I ended up siphoning through all the songs Lisa Simpson has ever played on her Sax to find out what it was (I should be doing my dissertation proposal but my tutors haven’t got back to me yet so what can ye do).

Song stuck in my head: yknow wha I’m just gonna list the songs that have been stuck in my head so far today because it’s too many to be just one as I keep cycling through them (also gonna link them so you can see how garbo weird my music taste is)

Run - Joji Alive - Pearl Jam Clinging On For Life - The Hoosiers Tension - Avenged Sevenfold Boots of Spanish Leather - Bob Dylan Nutshell - Alice in Chains Jaded - Aerosmith The Sea of Tragic Beasts - Fit For an Autopsy

I’ll add my current favourite at the bottom too for good measure (Honestly I spend way too much time listening to music and I regret nothing)

Number of followers: Currently 85. I’ve got about 2k on my main blog but I’ve not touched that since July 2017.

Amount of sleep: Good lord, so I aim for 8 hours, sometimes I only get 5.5 or something along those lines, other times I depression nap during the day and can’t sleep at all, sometimes (like this morning) I’ll go to get up at a normal person time such as 9am when my body naturally wakes me up, but it’s so dark and gloomy outside and cold in my room that I just stay in bed and end up accidentally falling back asleep. 12pm gang rise up xo

Lucky number: 7

Dream Job: Hopefully I get somewhat successful in monetising my hobbies, I’m working on it all atm (I don’t know why but I really hate telling people about my plans because I’m deathly afraid they’ll mock me or do whatever they can to ensure it doesn’t happen, I’ve got this list of things I need to do for my own mental health sellotaped to my laptop stand that had things like when to clean the house, do my laundry, shower, exercise etc, and my old flatmate/friend saw it the other week and mocked me, so I haven’t followed it since and need to find some sort of other way of organising my life instead). But yeah, hopefully hobby based, I don’t want to be stuck in an office job all my life, and I want to leave the UK (although I don’t want to leave my family) so hopefully I’ll be successful enough to bring em all with me.

Wearing: Well I was gonna wear jeans and my Unus Annus longsleeve but I decided to go full kitchen witch and wear this black milkmaid looking dress with long sleeves that I’d bought for work when I got my thigh tattoo started (all the old men appreciated the legs but I didn’t make any more tips, oops)

Favourite song: My favourite song of all time would be The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony , the band formed at my college, has great meaning and has resonated with me since I first saw the music video after it was played at my Stepdad’s funeral in 2002. Weirdly enough on my last day of college, right after my last exam, I went to get the bus home - put my Spotify on shuffle (bearing in mind I’ve got 805 songs on this playlist) and this came on straight away. That’s probably not important to most people, but being pagan, I like to think that small things like these are signs from loved ones that have since passed. Not too happy that it’s used as the England Rugby theme because it gives me anxiety every time as though I feel like everyone hearing it doesn’t have the same emotional connection with the song as I do, but idk. I saw Richard Ashcroft live and he played this and I legit bawled my eyes out in public, safe to say I’ll try and hold it in next time. I suggest you all have a listen to the song or even watch the music video for it, it’s the most simple but most meaningful music video to me.

Favourite Instrument: I’m left handed and I had this Yamaha acoustic guitar that my stepdad gave me - and taught me to play when I was about 5, a few months before he died (it’s still weird to me that I had no idea he had cancer at that point and instead spent his last few months teaching me his favourite hobbies) all he had was right handed guitars, so he taught me to play Metallica’s Nothing Else Matters upside down on this 20 odd year old right handed acoustic. He hadn’t played upside down himself before but did it so I could see what he was doing. I remember sitting in our green living room on the couch with him moving my hands to the right position (I don’t know where my mum was in this scenario, probably in the kitchen). He’d brought this guitar with him the first day I met him, it was probably like 11pm but I was 4 and thought it was 3am or something, but I heard voices coming from the living room and had gone to investigate - there sat my mum and my stepdad having Chinese on the living room floor, laughing together, my stepdad saw me and had brought sweets for me and my brother for when we woke up, but he beckoned me over, gave me a lollipop, stuck a two litre bottle of tizer in front of me and told me to dip the lollipop in the drink and lick it (not a good idea as I would’ve been bouncing off the walls, but I think I must’ve had a sugar crash and fallen asleep). My mum had no idea he was coming as he’d sneakily been texting her, asking what her favourite drink was, her favourite food and flowers etc, after they met in a pub when my mum was at a hostel with my brother after my Dad had taken me. My mum told him that the council had given her a place and he decided to show up and surprise her with all her favourite things and play guitar for her after my brother and I had gone to bed, I don’t remember much time passing before we’d moved into his house (where my mum and her new husband live to this day), but they got married a few months later and I still can’t play that Metallica song (I did try to teach myself more of it though). I also had this black left handed Ibanez prestige that my Dad got me for Christmas about 9 years ago, I could play quite a lot on it but eventually just stopped. Very good at piano though.

Aesthetic: I’m not sure what this entails but I’m a sucker for neon/RGB/cityscapes and that type of malarkey. Also space. Love da space. Also whatever Cornwall would be considered as. Cottagecore? I think that’s only an animal crossing related aesthetic but I’m claiming it nonetheless.

Favourite Author: I’m a big goth so it has to be Stephen King by default. I’ve got copious first editions of his books from the 70′s and 80′s that my Mum bought when she was a teen. At my flat I’ve got Carrie, Christine, Salem’s Lot, Misery and The Shining first editions and the others are in my room at my Mum’s house. I don’t tend to read for joy like I used to, or write for fun either but I’m hoping I do more in 2021. Currently reading The Outsider by King, it sounds eerily familiar to a novel I wrote for coursework in college in 2014 and I’m half pressed to think he’s stole my brain ideas. I’m watching you Stephen. Always watching. Always.

Favourite animal sounds: I don’t have favourite sounds, but my husky Nanook is my favourite animal because he’s dumb and I love him. Also Kookaburra sounds are terrifying and you all should go listen to what a koala sounds like. When I go to Adelaide (hopefully this year, if not next) I am NOT stepping foot in a nature reserve unless I’ve got an anti-kookaburra noise suit on. They obviously don’t exist so I’m gonna have to make one.

Random: I’m part of a viking reenactment group where they use actual swords and fight each other, and we have to basically sign our lives away when we join, to say that if we die, it’s not the groups fault. I don’t actually do the fighting though, I’m part of the villager group, so I do all the crafting and food making and most of the teaching when we do shows. I’ve not yet been to a show as I’ve had uni to go to, but my parents, sister and brother do - They stayed within Whitby Abbey last year during the Viking festival where everyone did the show and the adults got drunk round campfires in the castle grounds. Zacky Vengeance once complimented my shirt if that’s something. I’m also colourblind, got glared at by Liam Gallagher in the Liverpool Echo Arena parking lot and have too accurate a sense of smell.

Sorry this was so long, obviously I felt like word-dumping and my brain has a lot to say as I find too much meaning in these things. Thanks again for tagging me! I’ve not got 17 people to tag as I don’t interact with anyone at the moment but I’ll come back to this and add people as the week progresses :)

#tagged #personal #asks

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defunctblogtobedeleted · 7 years

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5/12/17, 11:11pm - gettin cucked up

me and a particular group of my melee friends have been using the word cuck a lot still and I never really thought about where it came from. Like 4chan probably repopularized the use of the word because I saw that cuckold porn became a really big trend on there, but the way we use it isn’t like cuckoldry exactly, it’s more like getting fucked over, or stood up, or most specifically teased with a promise of a good time and then having someone back out at the last minute.

More on that later I guess. This week’s been so hectic. Wtf it’s only been like 5 days it feels like it’s been weeks already. I’ve restrategized my Get Your Shit Together (4.0) list, and the big three things are 1. pass the RPSGT, 2. get moved out of my apartment, 3. get some surgeries.

Tony actually wrote my letter for real, so I put in my application to take the test this week! My cpr aed certification is outdated so I got an online one and I’m not allowed, so I have to do a course this weekend and fix that, but otherwise I’m all set. Gotta study hard, I’m pretty fucking pumped to get a raise. Glad I’m not dying for the money rn though, the $500 to take the test and get a new cpr cert would have me stresssssed the fuck out, dude. No progress on getting someone to take my room just yet, my room’s a fucking mess, I need to do laundry, I’m kinda putting all this shit off for now tbh. We’ll wait until I’ve taken the exam I’ve got vacation this week anyway. And I talked to my dad, who gave me his blessing so to speak to get a vasectomy. I fudged a number that I told him, said that it’s 90% reversible (most numbers say 95% or greater w/in 3 years, about 50% at 10), but with the potential for in vitro fertilization even if the reversal fails I’m sure that’s about right. He told me that my mom had told him that she wasn’t trying to get pregnant for a year or so and then ‘was practically pregnant the next day.’ coupled with how mom was talking about being pregnant at their wedding I can see that lol. He basically told me that he loves all of us a lot, but yeah I would’ve definitely done that because it’s worth it to not have that kind of surprise when you can’t make money for a kid. I definitely can’t make money for a kid right now lol that would kill me. So I’ve already called the doc to get a referral and I’m gonna get a vasectomy. Gotta figure out how much my septum surgery will be too, but that’ll be a lot more -_- Me and dad were catching up for a bit and I helped him get in touch with Dr. Bruce to fix a hernia so he’s gonna be giving me some more money so that’ll help with that too though. Plus I’ll FINALLY be making sleep tech money. I’m so fucking pumped.

Plus basically the past 3 days I’ve Actually just been working. 3 patients a night for the first time this week was stressful as fuck. I mean not exactly. Just time consuming and pretty frustrating. As jimmy said “if you were still trying to get through Zelda you probably would be dying right now.” Made it through fine and that should sweeten up my paycheck just a smidgen.

Still haven’t eaten french fries, but definitely gave up on cigs. Practically like two days later. I was out drinking for Josh’s birthday and smoked a bunch. That shit was so fucking cash omg. I got blackout drunk for the first time in forevvver. Was hanging out with Jimmy, Josh, Ian, Jack, ran around with one of josh’s friends trying to pick up chicks at a bar after smashing beers into our head and shotgunning them. I have a video lol I’ll try to upload it once I have internet. Was trying to ‘flirt with all the ASA bitties’ but got too drunk and ended up boxing someone in Josh’s friend’s basement (w/ boxing gloves) lmfao. Reminded me of middle school boxing Cory Winters and having our little fight club ring lol. Drunk snapped a bunch of people, ian drove me home, it was a great fucking night. Oh and at Josh’s friend’s I ran into one of my asian friends who I could not remember for the life of me. I wasn’t sure if he was a league friend or one of brosciouss friends or a smash friend I was just so lost, but played it off really well (as always) and did jager shots with him. Fuck. Ing. Lit. First time I felt so happy and natural to be drinking in forever, too. Even got to see brett3 for a bit. Nice to be back in chapel hill. Especially when they’re good old drinking buddies like Jack. It’s so strange that I don’t really talk to anybody else from chapel hill, but then again it really isn’t.

The date with Brianna went pretty meh. We met up and joked around a bunch and thrift shopped and I bought a whole fuckton of new pants to ease the process of spring cleaning and two new sweatshirts so I’m not wearing fuzzy shit all the time now that it’s getting warmer. Ate at Ms. Winner’s and it was some delicious ass cheap fried chicken, might be my new go to in gboro now. But she like barely wanted to kiss me at the end of the date idk what’s up with her, I’ve kinda bailed out since she’s all preoccupied with her family anyway.

Instead ive gone back to what I call my “harem strats” You see, by chatting up as many girls as possible (right now juggling 4-5) I divert my attention and stay aloof enough that I don’t seem like a crazy fuck. Instead I’m just an asshole who’s two timing girls, but yknow fuck you stop judging me. This girl hit me up on snapchat saying I looked cute in my story and that we should smoke sometime. With the snapchat name Smokeahontas I could’ve sworn it was Kat, so I just go along with the convo. But then I see kat has a diff username and I was like wtfff who is this lol. I didn’t ask her though, just played along and eventually remembered when she asked for my insta that it was this girl I matched with on tinder months ago that I never followed up with (like most of them), probably because I got lazy lol. Had a sort of date with Jamie, we got some food because she was getting off work, we smoked a bit, but she was like texting the whole time and fuckin bailed out after just an episode of south park to ‘go to the beach with her roommate.’ I still have been talking to her a bunch, but Idk what the fuck is up with that, kinda whack. Super cucked by how that went. Especially because when I walked her out to her car I didn’t even get a kiss goodnight it was this weird lasting embrace like she pressed her cheek into mine to make sure I didn’t try to kiss her I guess, but still held me tight for a really long time, I was like rubbing her lower back hoping she’d like loosen up and kiss me but hooooly shit it all felt super fucking awkward. I’m hoping she’s just really conservative about dudes since she’s such a cutie, but idk. it makes me actually not give a fuck about her. I have a date tomorrow night with the other textiles girl idr if I wrote about her, but she’s cute, going to ncsu. “allergic to smoke” lol I told her I quit. (I mean I had that day before but I lied and said I did two weeks ago hahah goddamn I’m kind of a twat maybe.) Also actually got cucked by smokeahontas. It was like a situation that was too good to be true though, to be fair. She didn’t have anything to do yesterday night and wanted to hang out; when I told her I was stuck at work and said she should just smoke with me in the morning she said she actually wanted to and would stay up all night to meet up with me when I got off. Ofc she fell asleep, and when she woke up she said she wanted to go back to bed, so I flippantly said “well you could always sleep over here.” and surprisingly enough she said she was actually game for that, so our smoke and horror movie date turned into a naptime date. But an hour passed while I was eating breakfast and in the shower so I was like ‘wtf is up’ and she said she got sick and threw up. Figured I was super cucked once more by another flaker, kind of a bummed out, but not as bummed as after the dates with Jaime and Bri both went so poorly lol. Just happily told her we can try again another time, and now she’s saying she wants to do the same plan for tomorrow morning.

So There. Is. The potential for me to get laid twice tomorrow. Pretty exciting. I haven’t told anyone that I remade plans with her though. RIGHT after I told some friends about how the nap date got planned out she said she was sick. I FUCKING swear that every time I brag about one of my dates I have lined up it falls the fuck through the floor. So I’m gonna try to never do it again.

Then there’s this other theatre major girl I started talking to yesterday. Talked about horoscopes and transitioned from talking feminism to her (woke as fuck teens smh) into asking if she ate ass (jokingly) into asking if she wanted to hang. Turns out she’s actually a really cool super geeky chick and I’m really excited to spend time with her since she wants to show me jurassic park for the first time and learn how to play melee. Kinda weird that she’s only 18 still though O.o oh you, tyler.

SO yeah. That’s the sitch with that. Went from supppper fucking bummed a couple days ago about my dating situation into thinking that I’m the shit again. I think I want to establish that “i’m the best” mentality once again. Because I really am. I’m fucking amazing lmao.

Ultimately though, I’m still getting cucked left and right and I have little to no faith that I’ll find anybody I actually care about ever again but we’ll see yknow. I think that’s the strats to how I fell in love last time anyway.

hmmm. what else is there... Work in burlington is still super shitty, my commute went from an hour to like an hour and forty minutes today bc people in NC can’t drive through a little bit of fucking drizzling.

Idk that’s about all I’ve got. Next week’s lake week so gonna have to work again in a few days after some date shenanigans and hopefully I’ve got some more good stories and shit.

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